Hello all! Amanda R. here, and we've got LOTS to dish about this week so let's have at it:

Small Screen Supes

Speedy Synopses

Supergirl 1x11: Strange Visitor From Another Planet

It’s not much of a stretch to think there would be anti-alien protesters and politicians in a world with superheroes, and the episode kicks off at an anti-alien rally. A White Martian, a pretty disgusting and insidious being from J’onn’s planet, crashes the rally (literally) to bait J’onn into the open.

The DEO takes the senator from the rally into hiding, but she’s really the White Martian in disguise, trying to find the Martian she knows is hiding in their ranks. She escapes. J’onn tells the Danvers sisters about the White Martians and his past, and seriously, so. many. tears.

Meanwhile, Kara has meddled in Cat’s life by sending a letter on her behalf to her estranged son Adam. Cat doesn’t know how to talk to him, and blows it by trying to impress him with her many accomplishments. Adam and Kara have an instant connection, though, and their doe eyes at each other are overflowing with chemistry because the actors are married in real life. (Awww.) Kara helps the two connect, and still has the free time to take on the White Martian. Epic multitasking should be added to the list of Kryptonian superpowers. (Kelly)

Lucifer 1x01: Pilot

Don’t look too closely for references to Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman in this new cop/supernatural drama - it might star Lucifer, errant ruler of Hell, but that’s about where the similarities end. Snarky and (what else?) irreverent, Lucifer Morningstar has abandoned his underworldly-throne to hang out in Los Angeles and run a nightclub. This is great for Lucifer, but not so great for the order of divinity and, you know, balance in the supernatural world.

Things get really interesting when Lucifer’s friend Delilah is shot in cold blood by a drug dealer. Lucifer’s got an edge, though - he can discover anyone’s deepest darkest secrets, just by asking them to spill their guts. This is super helpful for solving crimes, but super annoying to skeptical Det. Chloe Dancer, who can’t seem to shake this handsome hanger-on. It’s even annoying to Lucifer, because his new crime-solving buddy seems strangely immune to his mind-power tricks. Truly interested in something at last, Lucifer and Chloe work together to find and kill Delilah’s killer. Like it or not, he’s in it for the long haul with Chloe. (Savannah)

Agent Carter 2x03: Better Angels

Howard Stark is back! I do so enjoy his repartee with Peggy, and he's pretty useful when your new love interest has gotten himself zapped into another dimension by zero matter. Isodyne and the LAPD are trying to cover up what happened, even if that means painting Jason as a communist threat. Peggy doesn't buy it for one second and sets out to clear this innocent man's name. She's also feeling a bit guilty for getting a civilian killed on her watch, a civilian she was starting to have feelings for, no less. Howard works his charm and gets her (and several other Pretty Young Things) into that stuffy club for Old White Men Sipping Scotch so that she can plant bugs. While there she sees that tomorrow's headlines are already written - and that Chadwick's opponent has been made to step down from the senate race. 

Back at Stark Manor, Howard takes more time away from the poolside (what a mensch) to try and solve the mystery of Jason's disappearance; science, science, OH JASON, is that YOU? Dr. Jason Wilkes is a phantom, and he uses his smarts to help Howard bring him all the way back to this world.

Peggy is putting the heat on Frost now that Jason has told her about her involvement with the zero matter explosion; turns out Frost is something of a Hedy Lamarr. We already know she's smarter than her eejit of a husband, but she's like, Neil DeGrasse Tyson-smart. What better way to hide in plain sight than by being famous for being beautiful instead of a genius? Peggy questions her and Frost plays innocent only to convince Chadwick to have Peggy killed. Is there anything sadder than a man who can be manipulated by tears? Peggy is attacked at Stark Manor, but saved by Jarvis because Jarvis is The Best.

The studio has decided that Whitney Frost is too old for her current role, but really it's just her scummy director trying to extract "gratitude" from her with a very long, uncomfortable hug. He flips when he sees the black gash on her forehead. She panics, grips him by the arm and...absorbs him into her BODY?? Whitney Frost - 1, patriarchy - 0.  (Amanda R.)

The Flash 2x11: The Reverse Flash Returns

If the episode title wasn’t a big enough clue for you, Eobard Thawne is back! Harrison Wells uses a whiteboard and some timey-wimey mumbo jumbo to explain how, but to sum up, time travel is weird. SCIENCE!

Barry is understandably shaken by Thawne's return and the entire team focuses on finding him. Cisco and Wells devise a plan to kickstart his vibe powers, and Wells takes it one step further by developing special goggles that give Cisco control over what he sees. In his vibe vision, Cisco sees Thawne kill Dr. McGee before returning to his own time. But incredibly, this is a vision of something that hasn’t happened yet, and Team Flash has the chance to stop it before it happens.

Meanwhile, Patty has a few days before she moves to another city, so we are treated to the Most Awkward Conversations Ever with Barry. Barry doesn’t want to get in the way of her new life, and is trying to put distance between them before she even leaves so that she’s not one of Zoom’s targets. Patty, however, is a smart cookie, and realizes Barry is The Flash.

Barry stops Thawne and imprisons him at STAR Labs. This causes a rupture in the timeline that affects Cisco horribly, and the team realizes they must let Reverse-Flash return to the future to save Cisco and keep the timeline intact. Barry and Thawne’s combined speed is enough to open a wormhole to the future, and Reverse-Flash is back where he belongs. MORE TIME SCIENCE!

Caitlin and Jay Garrick talk more about the need to get his speed back, Iris and Wally spend time together, and Patty and Barry say goodbye. (Kelly)

Arrow 4x11: A.W.O.L.

Diggle and Lyla’s former colleague is kidnapped as he tries to give them a message for Amanda Waller and is then murdered. When they break the news to Waller, she palms Lyla a flash drive on a mysterious group called Shadowspire that plans to infilitrate Argus. Team Arrow is on the case! But they don’t move quickly enough and the group takes Waller and Lyla hostage, eventually killing Waller when she refuses to give up some codes. Aw. You may have not been CCH Pounder Amanda Waller, but you’ll still be missed. Anyway, with her dead, Lyla’s life is next on the line which finally motivates Andy Diggle to stop being a jerk and help out.

Meanwhile, Felicity is in a wheelchair, popping pain pills and being mocked by a hallucination of the younger, goth version of herself. Don’t you hate it when that happens? Oliver calls her for tech wizardry back up, but she’s not on top of her game and ends up making a mistake that almost gets Diggle and Ollie caught. It’s scary enough to make her quit the team. But eventually, Felicity comes to terms with the risks that come with the job, tells her teenaged self to suck it, and hacks Argus in the nick of time, saving the whole team as per usual. (Amanda K.)

Legends of Tomorrow 1x02: Pilot, Part 2

This show could be just the crazytown bananapants superhero show I never knew I needed. Because trying to find any kind of rhyme or reason for most of what happens is completely pointless, at least at this stage. The team is still in 1975, this time in Norway attending a "secret" arms deal hosted by the man they want to kill, Vandal Savage. This gathering of villains was at Venture Bros-level of ridiculousness; even Damien Darhk was there, looking the same as he does in 2016. How secret is your meeting if you bid by shooting off a gun like you're at the OK Corral?? Stein and Snart enjoy their bit of subterfuge and of course they're found out; Savage can sense the HawkCouple. Oops. Firestorm saves the day by whisking off and absorbing an exploding nuke. Damn, son!

All of this was an elaborate plot device to A - let Savage know he's being hunted, and B - make Ray look like an incompetant doofus by losing a bit of his ATOM tech. Then we have our Marty McFly sideplot to get Young Dr. Stein's lab notes/device in order to keep Ray's tech from becoming catastrophic in Savage's hands. Sara is HILARS in this bit; I hope we see more of this side of White Canary. HawkCouple are trying to find the knife that Savage killed them with so they can kill him (definitely not happening in the SECOND episode of the show, show), and Carter turns into Pepe le Pew around Kendra, convinced that his unwanted handsy-ness will trigger her memories of loving him. SUPER GROSS. Cold, Heat Wave and Atom break into the owner's house to get the knife, but the owner turns out to be none other than Savage himself. Of course. Kendra and Carter swoop in to rescue them and Carter gets himself killed by Savage (hurrah!).

Rip Hunter doesn't have anything else better to do than yell at everyone on his team for cocking up the timeline, and I hope for Arthur Davill's sake that the writers find a way to make him more likeable. I mean, he's already wearing a trenchcoat and he's British - how hard can it be? In closing, I love Captain Cold's snark (and peacoat!) and I need him to have ALL the screentime on this show as well as several romantic partners. (Amanda R.)

Hero of the Week: Felicity Smoak, Arrow

I'm completely biased here, people. I spent half of last year recovering from a leg injury that left me unable to do most things for about four straight months. (I'm actually a bit surprised that the writers didn't make Felicity's new disability more of a struggle for her, but we all know that Team Arrow can't function without her.) Trauma is real, and it's VERY insidious so I wasn't the least bit surprised to see her former goth-y self made manifest by drug-induced hallucinations. Our girl told her Hot Topic doppelganger to take a hike because her friends need her, and because she knows her own mind and her value. #Overwatch4eva (Amanda R.)

Honorable mentions: Andy Diggle/Arrow, Kara Danvers/Supergirl, Howard Stark/Agent Carter, Iris West and Barry Allen/The Flash, Hawkman/Legends of Tomorrow

Villain of the Week: The White Martian, Supergirl

The White Martians of the DC universe made their debut on Supergirl this week and they are AWFUL. And hideous. And just all-around evil. When J’onn is faced with the terrible tragedy of his past, he almost makes a choice that would go against everything he stands for—all because of the White Martian that’s trying to find him on Earth. And what’s even worse, this White Martian uses fear and bigotry to spread a message of hate. Did I mention they’re awful? (Kelly)

Honorable mentions: Goth Felicity/Arrow, Vandal Savage/Legends of Tomorrow, Eobard Thawne/The Flash

Ab-tastic!

Not shirtless, but Leonard Snart in a Peacoat is my new favorite aesthetic. 

Biff! Bam! Pow!

I know this isn't TECHNICALLY an action gif set, but you can practically FEEL the steam coming out of Wells's ears. LOL. (Thanks to Kelly and Tumblr for this gem.)

Pull List

Top Titles

Black Canary #7 by Brenden Fletcher, with art by Annie Wu

MAN. That was one fierce issue! It's incredible how Fletcher's storytelling coupled with Wu's artistic vision can make you feel like you're smack dab in the middle of one of the most ear-shattering battles EVER. Team Canary needs to save Ditto from The Quietus, a singularity who absorbs all noise and sound. Future Kurt is there to make sure that old animosities are put aside so Dinah and Bo can do what they do best in order to keep Ditto safe: SCREAM. (Amanda R.)

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl #4 by Ryan North, with art by Erica Henderson

Squirrel Girl is still stuck in the 1960s, and it’s up to her and her friends to stop a DOOM-filled future! Meanwhile, we get a look at the Doom-ified timeline, which is hilariously awful. Squirrel Girl and Tippy go on a recon mission to find Dr. Doom, and discover he’s building Doombots to take over this time period and start his path to world domination. Can SG stop him in time? Of course! She’s unbeatable! Seriously, how many times can I tell you to pick this title up every month? Do it! (Kelly)

Adventures of Supergirl #1 by Sterling Gates, with art by Bengal

Supergirl is back with a new digital comic series, and it captures the mood and high-flying action of the hit TV show it’s based on. An escaped alien named Rampage is on the… rampage, and Supergirl is the only one strong enough to take her on. As she fights we get a quick glimpse into Kara’s past as she remembers a frenemy from high school. Digital issues are always short, which makes this first one fly by (no pun intended). If you just can’t get enough of Supergirl on TV, pick up this digital series every Monday.(Kelly)

Pick of the Week: Faith #1 by Jody Houser, with art by Francis Portela and Marguerite Sauvage

FAT GIRL SUPERHERO. Look at her. SHE IS EVERYTHING! Going by the alias Summer Smith, intrepid girl reporter listicle creator by day, she's Faith Herbert, aka Zephyr by night! She's left her supergroup (and surrogate family) to strike out her own in the City of Angels. She might be in over her head a bit, but this girl is determined to be the savior her city needs, even if she has to watch her superpowered ex, Torque (seriously), on his new reality TV show in the meantime. Hopefully Faith won't be on her own for long; crimefighting is a lonely life and a girl needs all the friends she can get - especially with puppy mills that need to be stopped and a possible alien conspiracy happening! (Amanda R.)

As Seen in the Daily Planet

News

Did y'all know that Stephen Amell can sing? Watch him duet with John Barrowman at HVFF NYC last weekend. (Drama nerds REJOICE.)

In other Amell news, he's going to be on Episode 6 of Legends of Tomorrow, as Oliver Queen in the year 2046. His son, Connor Hawke, will also be in this episode!

Fish Mooney is coming back to Gotham, y'all! This season! YASSS QUEEN!

New Justice League animated series - Justice League Action - is coming to Cartoon Network, and Mark Hamill will be returning as The Joker (is all you need to know about this show, obvs.)

DC Comics announces a slew of Hanna Barbera reboots, including Scooby Doo, and a post-apocalyptic Wacky Races. Penelope Pitstop as Furiosa, please.

One Million Moms boycotts Lucifer, giving it a TON of free publicity. These women make my head hurt.

Archie and the gang are coming to the CW in Riverdale, courtesy of uberproducer Greg Berlanti.

Filed under Things You Will Never Understand: CEO of Marvel donates $1 million to Donald Trump's campaign. 

In Iron Fist news: it will share a writer with Jessica Jones, and Mike Colter says that the title role has already been cast. 

Mash-ups are never going away. Disney Princesses as different X-Men.

YALSA has released their list of Great Graphic Novels for Teens for 2016. Lots of FYA faves represented here, natch.

2017 is going to bring us a graphic novel about the late, great Josephine Baker.

Trailers

"New" Batman vs. Superman trailer (seriously, it has like, four seconds of actual new footage):

I wish I cared about this movie, y'all.

DC Super Hero Girls time!

#adorbz

Justice League vs Teen Titans trailer, coming to DVD April 12:

New Deadpool clip:

Anyone else feel like this marketing campaign is trying WAY too hard to be "edgy" and "NSFW"? Or am I just the world's biggest grump?

Did anyone catch the Lucifer pilot this week? What did you think? Are you onboard the Legends of Tomorrow Time Travel Train of WTF yet? How much longer before Team Flash figure out that Wells 2.0 is sabotaging them? Are y'all ready for the return of Nyssa AND Arsenal this week? Let's dish in the comments!

In case you missed the announcement, over the next few months, we’ll be running a Between Two Lockers special series featuring your fave FYA writers and contributors.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

What’s your name?

Mandy W.

Where are you from/located?

Edmonton, AB, Canada

What do you do when you’re not writing for FYA?

I work in a technical field, and it's about as far from the publishing industry as you can get. Which goes really well with writing for FYA, because I can get my science-y fix at work, and a creative outlet through FYA.

What do you look like?

Where can you be found on social media?

Goodreads, Twitter

THE ACTUAL YA-RELATED QUESTIONS

How long have you been writing for FYA, and how did you start writing for the site?

I started working on sexy behind-the-scenes stuff—Formatting! Tags!—in Fall 2012, and I became a contributor shortly afterwards (although my very first post was a Smarty Pants submission earlier that year). I wrote my first book report and joined FYA HQ full-time in Spring 2013, and I took over FYA Book Club responsibilities in Summer 2013.

How did you come to read YA as an adult?

You can read the full story here, but TL;DR: I wanted to check out those YA books that were receiving so much hype. One great book led to another, and thus began my love affair with YA.

Why do you think YA is an important genre, for both actual Ys and those of us who are more A?

Young Adulthood is universally relatable: kids are racing towards it, teenagers are living it, and everyone else has survived it. And YA manages to tackle a breadth of topics in such an accessible way.

What are five of your favorite YA books?

Omg, how can I CHOOSE?!? OK, I'm going to choose my five for very specific reasons. (Although I could have just as easily swapped out a few titles with some of my faves from the past three years.) In no particular order other than alphabetical:

The Chaos Walking series by Patrick Ness or the Legend series by Marie Lu. OK, this is cheating to combine the two, but either works as my all-time favourite dystopian series (even if I LOVE Catching Fire something fierce).
Firecracker by David Iserson. This was my first review book that I LOVED, and I inhaled it during my first trip to Europe.
The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling. This is my go-to answer whenever I'm asked to pick a favourite book.
Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins. This was the first book I ever read by one of my now-faves.
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. This represents the YA books I read as an actual YA.

Do you have a favorite YA character or couple? If so, who are they, and why are they The Best?

ANOTHER IMPOSSIBLE CHOICE. I know I helped in choosing these questions, but I really, for the life of me, cannot choose just one of anything.

For the sake of being decisive (which I'm sure I won't be for many of the upcoming questions), I'll go with my first fave couple when I started reading YA as an adult: Katniss and Peeta. Minus the epilogue and the movies, obvs.

THE YA QUESTIONS

If your real life adolescence was a YA book ... What would you, the main character, be like?

The girl who seems all shy and quiet ... until you get to know her, and then you can't shut her up. Gets along with everybody. Can be found in the nerd classes, doing the bare minimum to be an overachiever.

Who is your secret crush?

My best guy friends, or the beautiful but dumb boy that I flirted with for the better part of a school year without any progress. Either way, dudes I should not have been crushing on.

What is your number #1 source of angst?

Lack of boyfriends. And also lack of transportation.

At what point would the reader pump his/her fist in victory?

I don't think my high school experience really had any extreme highs (or lows); it was all pretty consistently great. Maybe that time I told off a guy who COULD NOT take a hint that my BFF wasn't interested in him? Of course, it was done through email so there was no instant reaction. But he did stop bugging her, so it worked!

And who would play you in the film adaptation?

HAHAHA RIGHT because I have a lot of candidates to choose from. My only requirements would be that the actress is bilingual in English and Cantonese, and that she'd be an actual teen.

THE SLUMBER PARTY QUESTIONS

What is your #1 favorite food?

The most recent authors I've asked this to were in absolute agony over this question—and now, I AM, TOO. I shall cheat, as I am wont to do, by choosing Shanghainese cuisine: cold sesame noodles with chicken, dandan noodles,* and XLBs!

*The internet tells me this is Sichuan, but it's always at Shanghainese restaurants that I frequent, so I'm cheating once again.

Tell me about your area of expertise.

I am full of useless trivia, which is a completely unnecessary area of expertise in the age of Google.

If you could assemble your own Ocean's 11 of fictional characters, who would you pick?

I recently put together an all-female supervillain Ocean's 11, but these would be my heist-mates for the real deal (also an all-female edition, because why not):

- The Ringleader: Stella Gibson (The Fall)
- The Muscle: Buffy Summers (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and Jessica Jones (Jessica Jones)
- The Thief: Catwoman (Batman: The Animated Series), who also shows up in my supervillain Ocean's 11 because she's morally ambiguous like that.
- The Brains: Hermione Granger (Harry Potter) and Kestrel Trajan (The Winner's Trilogy)
- The Getaway Driver: Imperator Furiosa (Max Max: Fury Road)
- The Techie: Raven Reyes (The 100). Who better than a girl from the future as the expert on gadgets?
- The Spy/Chef: Melissa McCarthy in a double role as Susan Cooper (Spy) and Sookie St. James (Gilmore Girls). Because, come on—OF COURSE my heist is going to be well-catered.
- The Sleuth: Veronica Mars (Veronica Mars)

What is your best karaoke song?

Um, NONE OF THEM, but it doesn't stop me anyway; the karaoke edition of FYA JAM has the type of songs I usually go for. The ones I kind of (as in, really) want to try are “Hot in Herre” and “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” I think my lack of musical ability might be better suited to talk-singing/rapping.

Tell me something scandalous!

I hate the terms "squad" and "all the feels." Not that I care if anyone else uses them—and I've certainly used them before on this very site, just to try them out—but I avoid using them when I can.

What is your favorite adult beverage?

None of them; I prefer food over beverages. Oh, but I do like Caesars.

What is the most crucial snack food and/or movie/or anything you'd bring to an FYA slumber party?

PIE. ICE CREAM. Or a dessert of some kind, for sure.

What book have you read the most number of times?

I'm not actually sure, since I rarely reread books nowadays. As a kid, The BFG by Roald Dahl, since my copy of that has had much better days. But as a grownup, probably Harry Potter again? Apparently, I have a thing for British orphans.

YA authors are so cool. Who would you give a BFF charm to?

We usually ask this of authors about fellow authors, so I'm going to change it up by giving a BFF charm to a fellow book blogger. And obvs, I'm choosing my ladies in FYA HQ!

Out of all of the characters you’ve read, which one do you most wish you could be?

I'm actually going through the books that I've read and thinking, "Which of these characters have had an awesome life with nothing bad ever happening to them?" I don't think I've read many of those protagonists, though.

OH! Do non-fiction books count? Because then I'd like to be Mindy Kaling. (But we already knew that.)

AND NOW, MASH

Mandy W. made three picks for each category, and I added a fourth. The magic number (chosen by a random number generator) was 3.

M A S H

SPOUSE

Neville Longbottom
Alexander Skarsgard
Charles Michael Davis
Oscar Isaac

HONEYMOON

Athens
District 13
Singapore
Zagreb

# OF KIDS

1
3
2
Boy-girl fraternal twins

JOB

Astronaut
Sports doctor
Travel show host
YA book blogger

INCOME

Paid in wishes
Paid in tasty business
Paid in straight cash, homey
Paid in Magic Mike lap dances

HOMETOWN

Amsterdam
Colby, North Carolina
Tallinn
Prague

PET

None
None
A magical talking cat
None

FYI: a cat would kill me.

Sorry, friend! I hope the fact that it’s magical helps ...

VEHICLE

Jet pack
Teleportation doohickey
Time-traveling DeLorean
The Pig from The Raven Cycle

Do you have additional questions for Mandy W.? Or maybe just want to comment on something particularly awesome that she said? Head to the comments!

The Road So Far

It was a long, cold holiday season without Winchesters to warm us. But dry your tears, superfans, because the Supernatural rewatch project is back!  We’re in lean, mean shape ready to deliver streamlined recaps of your favorite demon hunters and the otherworldly entities whose faces they kick in on the regular. Some say the show should have ended at Season Five.

I, for one, say bring on Season Six.

THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME:

Take a drink every time:

•  There’s a corpse

•  A demon possesses/de-possesses and/or makes a deal with some hapless schmuck

•  Someone on the show takes a drink

•  Dean crams his face full of junk food

•  Anyone is tied up

•  Either brother picks a lock

•  Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias

•  The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty

6x1: Exile on Main Street

Monster of the Week: Djinn

A year after Sam threw himself into hell, Dean’s given up the hunter’s life for a job in construction and a cozy family type scenario with Lisa and Ben. But a series of strange occurrences (unseen screams, blood and claw marks around the burbs) prompt him to start investigating. He lies to Lisa! He pulls a gun on a terrier, scaring the neighbors!

But it turns out all the danger signs he’s been seeing were hallucinations, a result of him being poisoned! Sam shows up to save him in what is a surprisingly emotionless reunion on his side, all things considered. Sam says he has no idea how he was resurrected, but he’s been back a year and has teamed up with three of his cousins and Grandpa Campbell to keep hunting. They’ve been tracking the djinn who poisoned Dean. Dean is highly weirded out by the appearance of his resurrected relatives, but is more concerned about Lisa and Ben. He scoops them up and drops them at Bobby’s.

Turns out Bobby knew Sam was alive. Dean is furious. He’d spent much of the last year, drunk and miserable trying to find out how to get Sam back, burdening Lisa and Ben. But she doesn’t see it that way. Dean’s what she always wanted, someone Ben could look up to. The last year was the best of her life.

The djinn kill Dean’s neighbors and attack the boys! Sam fends one off with a golf club while Dean gets a really bad trip courtesy of the other. He sees Yellow Eyes forcing Ben to drink his blood, flinging Lisa to the ceiling and lighting her on fire! Grandpa Campbell shows up to save them, but interestingly keeps one of the djinn alive for possibly nefarious purposes.

After it’s all done, Sam tries to get Dean to go on the road with him. But he’s not interested. He’s staying to protect his newfound family. He does offer Sam the uses of the Glorious and Faithful Impala. Sam turns him down, which is the best evidence yet that something is terribly wrong with him.

Heaven and Hell of it All: While acting as bait for the djinn, Dean tries to get Sam talking about Hell. But Sam insists he doesn’t remember what happened, and he’s totally ok with that, having no desire to feel tortured. Um…who are you and what have you done with Sam?

Drink Count: 6, all to match Dean’s own drinking.

The Quotable Winchesters: “My God, you have delicate features for a hunter.” –Dean’s awesome Campbell cousin Gwen.

Most GIF-able moment:

Yorkies: Suburbia’s greatest threat.

Notable Cameos:

Corin Nemec of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose and The Stand, plays Christian Campbell

Laura Mennell of Haven and Alphas plays the djinn

David Paetkau of Flashpoint plays Mark Campbell

6x2: Two and a Half Men

Monster of the Week: Shapeshifter

On edge after the djinn incident, Dean makes his family move and is against them leaving the house for any reason, including work and school. His crazy (as you might expect) does not go over so well with Lisa and Ben.

While Sam is investigating the disappearance of four babies whose parents have been murdered, he stumbles upon a slaying in progress! The baddie gets away, but he finds a baby hanging out next to its parents’ corpses, and he calls for backup--his newly paternal brother to come care for it. The baby had a meltdown in a supermarket. A friendly older lady offers to help, saying she’d be happy to change the kid’s diaper, which is how you know she’s evil cause exactly no one would be happy to do that. Dean spots silver eyes in her security camera image and realizes she’s a shapeshifter! They get away, but the shifter finds a way to track them.

Upon further investigation, Sam realizes that the babies were all fathered by shapeshifters! He calls Dean with the news, but is a little late. Dean also figured that out when their charge changed skin tones. The formerly white baby is now Black. Just then the shapeshifter bursts into the motel, saying the baby belongs with the father of all shapeshifters. Sam shoots him and then says they should take the baby to Grandpa Campbell. Dean is loathe to hand him over, especially when Grandpa says he intends to raise the little guy. Before they can come to resolution, Papa Shapeshifter shows up and slaughters 1/3 of the Campbell cousins, knocks out Sam, chokes out Dean and takes the baby. The hunters tell Dean Papa Shapeshifter is an “Alpha,” or the first of each race of monsters.

While having some downtime, Sam points out that Dean’s lockdown behavior with Lisa and Ben is exactly how Papa Winchester raised them, which caused both of them to grow up to be incredibly maladjusted individuals. Dean, showing character growth, actually discusses this with Lisa. She tells him to go be a hunter and that he should come back when he can.

Heaven and Hell of it All: Dean tells Sam and Grandpa Cambell how suspicious he is that they came back from Hell. Neither seems fazed. Dean’s later suspicious that Sam purposefully used a baby as bait.

Drink Count: 6, for as many corpses.

The Quotable Winchesters: “This is like defusing an IUD with poop.” –Dean on diaper changes.

Most GIF-able moment:

I know we’re looking at the alpha shapeshifter here, but then again I also feel like we’re looking at inspirational fan fic moment.

Notable Cameos: None

Next Week: Cas is back!

Welcome to February, friends. I don’t know about you, but 2016 is flying by for me!

This month’s FYA Book Club pick is The Royal We, a book by The Fug Girls (Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan) that tells the tale of a normal young woman who falls for a prince and the ins and outs of such a relationship. (Read Kandis’ review of the book.) Here at FYA HQ, we adore the book—and its cover—so we decided to celebrate both with the February calendar.

Click the link below the images to download the calendar to use as a wallpaper on your computer or phone.

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And, don’t forget, you can also subscribe to our Google Calendar in your preferred calendar program (iCal or HTML) or print a version via the embedded calendar below.

This year, February has an extra day. We totally think it should be devoted to reading, but the powers that be will likely make us work, seeing as it’s a Monday. Regardless, have an excellent month!
 

This first week of February is National School Counseling Week, so it’s time to celebrate all the professionals who let us cry in their office and let us dream out loud when we dared to hope for a brighter future than high school. It’s also time to celebrate the wisdom of our favorite fictional school counselor, Tami Taylor from Friday Night Lights.

As y’all know, there’s a lot of wisdom beneath that head of hair styled with unicorn tears, so I find it useful to ask myself, “What Would Tami Taylor say?” So curl up with a glass of wine on the couch and take a look at some of those timeless, BAMFy Tami-isms that are just as relevant for the adult world as they are for high school.

“Well, you’re gonna win or you’re gonna lose. Either way the sun’s gonna still come up the next morning.”

Think about how many times you don’t even try simply because of the idea of failure. I imagine Tami might say that the worst No is the one you tell yourself when a daring idea dances around your brain. The more immune you can become to rejection or failure, the more likely you’ll hear that Yes.  So in 2016, what’s your equivalent of a state championship? Is it sending that scary email? Applying for your dream job? Asking your crush out on a date? Until it burns up five billion years from now, the sun will keep coming up, and you’ll be better for trying regardless of the outcome.  

“There’s no weakness in forgiveness.”

What is it about the Internet these days where everyone has this tenacity to bring people down? Make one mistake, and you’re DUNZO. Don’t get me wrong—people need to be made aware when they’re being ignored or shortsighted, but I wish we’d practice forgiveness in our own lives with that same determination. Tami Taylor had a knack for recognizing other people’s humanity, and I believe it’s a talent that starts with compassion for ourselves and our own mistakes. Like our heroine, when we move in the direction kindness, other people notice. They’re also more likely to examine their own behaviors and biases.

Listening is your responsibility as a human being.

Tami said this before she got fired for sharing all the options with a pregnant student, which was a bold move in Texas. It’s easy to have opinions, but we should all strive to be someone with skin, someone who’s in the room and is actively attempting to understand and empathize with a person’s experiences, worries, and hopes. And you don’t have to be a counselor to be that person for someone who needs it.

So often we make goals of getting our voice out into the world and having something relevant to say. But the world is full of people who need someone, anyone, to hear their voice. Figure out how to be that person for someone who’s been marginalized or ignored time and time again. 

“You never know what’s going on with somebody. You can’t take it personally.”

You only know the inside of your own head, so it’s all too easy to interpret other people’s actions as a response to you.  If a friend flakes out via text at the last minute, a grumpy stranger yells at you on the street, or a coworker looks bored at your big presentation, it’s normal to feel upset. But if you base all your actions on others’ reactions, you’ll only live the life of a chameleon. If you let those assumptions latch on to you like permanent post-it notes, you lose sight of who you are and who you could be. Stop being a mind reader, and like Tami, start playing the role you want, regardless of what the world has to say about it.

“You belong anywhere you want.”

A lot of women can suffer from imposter syndrome when it comes to their lives and careers. The truth is that if you’re in the room, then you’ve probably earned the right to be there. Never let that sneaky voice in your head convince you that don’t. And remember, if you’re comparing your insides to someone else’s outsides, you’re always going to fall short. Other people have anxieties that you can’t see. I like to imagine that Tami might quote this Dolly Parton wisdom to one of her students: “Find out who you are and then do it purpose.” Your successes aren’t accidents, so find out where you belong and own the room. Do a power pose. Be the BAMF. 

My challenge to you is to take these truths and use them this week. Scribble one on a piece of paper and stick it to your mirror.  Chant one as your mantra.  Study the ancient wisdom of our unicorn-haired queen. And whether you’re a counselor or not, be the Tami Taylor you wish to see in the world. If you’re skeptical, remember—she’s right 100% of the time. You can ask her husband.

WE MADE IT. Everyone said this X-Files reboot got great with episode three, and here we are folks! "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster" was written by the beloved Darin Morgan, who actually only wrote four episodes of The X-Files, but those four episodes are arguably some of the best in the show's history. They're funny and heartfelt, existentialist without taking themselves too seriously, and this episode was no different. We wanted our Monster of the Week episode and Morgan delivered: there was a scaly lizard were-thing, but the real monster? It's us.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES

After 14 years, the X-Files have been reopened. And while Mulder and Scully already have their hands full with a potential goverment coverup of alien technology from the Roswell crash site, they also have to solve weird unexplainable cases, like last week's case involving a doctor doing experiments on kids with genetic mutations. Read the whole recap here.

THIS WEEK'S CASE FILE

So far, this reboot has been all about suggesting that everything Mulder thought he believed wasn't true or real, and he'd been wrong all along. And now, three episodes in, Mulder has the crisis that any normal person would have in his position. He throws pencils at his I Want To Believe poster and whines to Scully that there are no monsters! Just pranksters and crazies, and he was dumb enough to go along with it. Scully lets him cry about it for a minute, then announces they have a new case, and it has a monster. Specifically, some sort of lizard man who attacked two people in the woods. One of them is Kumail Nanjiani, who is awesome! The other, well, he got his throat ripped out, which is not awesome.

Mulder and Scully head to the Vancouvery Weird Woods, where the lizard's next attack is on a transgender prostitute in a motel parking lot. She manages to hit it with her purse, and tells Mulder and Scully the monster was wearing tighty-whiteys (OMG SKINNER IS IT YOU?). Mulder and Scully wander into the nearby woods and find Kumail also hunting the monster. They follow some noises, Mulder flashing the camera on his new phone in hopes of getting a photo of the monster, but all they find is another dead body. The monster dashes away behind them and they chase him back into the motel parking lot, but while Mulder and Kumail are still trying to figure out the camera phone, the monster attacks, squirting blood from its eye on Mulder. They eventually chase the monster into a Porta Potty, but when they open the door, WHY IT'S RHYS DARBY. Kumail and Rhys in the same episode, be still my heart! Thinking they've lost the monster, Mulder and Scully leave as Rhys exits the toilet, horns disappearing into his head.

When you accidentally open your front-facing camera

Scully attemps to autopsy the body they found, but Mulder keeps trying to show her the shitty pics he took with his camera phone like a real Dad. "It shot blood at me from out its eyeball," he exclaims. Scully insists that animals don't do that but Mulder has a horned lizard queued up on his phone to show her HERE IS ONE THAT DOES.

That night while poking around the motel, Mulder realizes the stuffed Jackelope on the wall leads to a Hallway Of Creepholes that peep in on other motel rooms. He follows it all the way back to the office of Peeping Tom himself, the motel manager, who's been yelling "Monster" at random intervals and chugging rubbing alcohol, which makes Mulder think "THIS GUY probably knows what's up! He seems like a totally reliable witness!" In a flashback, Peeping Tom recalls doing his nightly creep-peep rounds when he peeks in on Rhys Darby - a.k.a. Guy Mann -  who is totally trashing his motel room and screaming things like "Please let this be the last time!" then while Peeping Tom watches, he morphs into a crazy lizard man. Mulder shows him the eye witness sketch of the monster and the photo he took of the man on the Porta Potty, and Peeping Tom confirms that they are one and the same! Mulder bursts into Scully's room to tell her all of this, because this is all it takes for Mulder to get his monster mojo back.

The next day, Scully heads to the phone store where it would appear Guy works. She calls Mulder and tells him to hurry over, but before she can tell him about the discrepancies from the victim's blood tests, Mulder hangs up. Scully goes inside to question Guy, but by the time Mulder arrives, the store is trashed and Guy had disappeared out the back door. Mulder follows him into a nearby graveyard, where Guy begs Mulder to put him out of his misery, which Mulder promises to do so long as Guy tells him the whole story.

And so we find out that Guy wasn't originally a guy. He was originally a lizard man, living peacefully in the woods until Kumail appears, attacks a man and bites HIM. He woke up the next morning having undergone both a physical and mental transformation into a human man. He knew immediately that he needed to find clothes and a job. With his newfound ability to BS his way through anything, he got a job at the cell phone store.

When your mom gets the new iPhone before you

And after a long grueling day of work, he hits up a local fast food joint, checks into the motel, and finds himself helplessly drawn to watching porn. He changed back into his lizard form that night and thought he was off the hook, but then his alarm went off and he changed back into a human and had to go to his dead-end job. He already hated his job but he was too overcome with fear to quit. How would he pay his mortgage? What even is a mortgage? He didn't know, but he knew he was a slave to it. When nothing else would cure this sadness inside him, he got a puppy, because, "The only way to be happy as a human is to spend all your time in the company of non-humans." Which, fair.

When your skin gets kinda dry in winter

But in less than a day, the dog ran away. While Guy searched behind the motel for Daggoo the dog, he found Kumail killing his next victim, and he changed back into a lizard while he watched. "Having caught a glimpse of what human nature was capable of, I wanted none of it." This, of course, is when Mulder and Scully showed up on the scene. 

Guy returned to his stupid job the next day, which was when Scully showed up and seduced him, taking him into the back room to make him say "cheese" where they commenced doing it up against a wall. "STOP," Mulder interrupts him. "You made that up." Guy admits that he did. "Ever since I became a human I can't help but lie about my sex life." Guy then finds Mulder's FBI badge and is appalled to learn that Mulder thought he was the one killing all those people. He storms away in a huff, asking "What kind of monster do you think I am?"

When you do three consecutive days of Duolingo

Mulder falls asleep in the graveyard (because normal) and awakes to the sound of the X-Files theme song playing from his phone. Scully is at the animal shelter - cluelessly petting Guy's dog Daggoo - and waiting to speak to Kumail about some interesting things she found in her blood tests, when Kumail attacks her and attempts to lasso her with that dogcatcher neck rope thing. Mulder rushes over, but by the time he arrives, Scully's handcuffing this newb on the floor like a real bad bitch. Turns out, it wasn't a monster killing people, it was a normal human being. She figured it out in those lab results, which she'd been trying to tell Mulder about all day. As the police cart Kumail away and Mulder follows suit, Scully steals Daggoo and decides to take him home with her.

Mulder, realizing he was wrong about Guy, chases him into the woods. He tells him that even though his story was completely absurd, Mulder knew he was telling the truth. Guy strips down to his tighty-whiteys and tells Mulder he's gonna hibernate for the next 10,000 years (lucky). They shake hands and Guy turns back into a lizard, then scampers off into the forest.

BIGGEST COVER UP

The biggest shock of this episode was that the scary looking monster was probably the one character in this episode that the audience SHOULDN'T fear. 

WORST KEPT SECRET

Even non-human lizard monsters fantasize about Scully making them say "cheese."

MONSTER OF THE WEEK

When you wake up on Sunday and remembered what you did Saturday night

Guy Mann was THE PERFECT MONSTER in that he actually really wasn't a monster. He was just a lizard dude, trying to live a quiet life in the woods, who was forced to become a human and get caught in rat race of humanity and he wanted none of it. Like last week's Dr. Augustus Goldman, the true monster this week was Kumail's serial killer dogcatcher.

THIS WEEK'S TOP RANKING AGENT

Darin Morgan, for saving this reboot from a shitty start by delivering an episode that can sit among the ranks of Jose Chungs and Clyde Bruckmans as an all-time top episode of The X-Files. At least in my not-so-humble opinion.

THIS WEEK'S LOSER-HUMAN HYBRID

I love you, Kumail, but in an episode where a lizard can squirt blood from it's eyes, you exposed the true evils of human nature by being a serial neckbiter. And not even the hot vampire kind. 

Runner up: Daggoo. I love Scully but she doesn't have a great track record with dogs (RIP QUEEQUEG).

FROM THE BUREAU SURVAILLANCE FILES

Honestly, someone just get me a transcript of this entire episode. Every line was quoteworthy, but if I have to pick a few favorites: 

Mulder: "So we're looking for a man-sized horned lizard with human teeth. Sounds a bit silly doesn't it?"
Scully: "Yeah"
Mulder: "You're really enjoying yourself aren't you Scully?"
Scully: "Yeah I am"

Guy, seeing an eye witness sketch of himself in lizard form: "WHAT? THREE EYES? But yeah that’s actually pretty close.”

Mulder: "Jackelopes don’t exist."
Guy: "I’d like to see you explain that to my dead friend George!”

The Psychiatrist: "Who is in more need of an anti-psychotic? A man who believes he’s a were-lizard or a man who believes that man?”

EASTER EGGS

From start to finish, this episode was full of Easter eggs and hidden goodies for OG X-Files fans.

- The stoners from the opening scene were the very same Stoners #1 and #2 who appeared in "Quagmire" (S3E22 and one of my favorite eps) and "War of the Coprophages" (S3E12).

- Mulder leaned against the grave of Kim Manners, a tribute to the long-time X-Files director who passed away in 2009.

- Daggoo was named after a harpooneer from Moby Dick, just like Queequeg, another harpooneer from Moby Dick and also the name of a Pomeranian that Scully owned for a short period of time in season three. Queequeg was eaten by an alligator in "Quagmire."

- The motel manager peeps on Mulder asleep in a red speedo, first seen in "Duane Barry."

- When Scully tells Mulder, "You forget, I'm immortal," she's referring to another Darin Morgan episode - and possibly one of the best hours of television of all time - "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" about a psychic who can predict how people will die. When Scully asks him how she dies, he famously says, "You don't." This was the basis for a fan theory that Scully is, in fact, immortal.

- They broke down the fourth wall by giving Mulder the X-Files theme song as a ringtone.

- In Season 2, Darin Morgan himself played the horrifying Flukeman, who hid in a Porta Potty in the episode "The Host."

- The creepy motel owner appeared in three of Darin Morgan's X-Files episodes: "Humbug," "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" and "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space.'"

UNSOLVED CASES

- Did someone check on that old man who was chugging rubbing alcohol? And is he still peeping on his motel customers?

- Jackelopes: real or not real?

---

What did you guys think of this episode? Did you love it as much as I did or do you prefer the more serious mythology episodes? Did I miss or forget any Easter eggs? What did you think of the idea that the Monster of the Week is actually humans?

Welcome to the Tell Me Three Things Blog Tour!

Julie Buxbaum’s debut YA novel is the kind of story that could go either way: good, if the anonymous person helping the main character deal at her new school is a good person. Bad, if, well, they’re not.

Here’s the official word:

What if the person you need the most is someone you’ve never met?

Everything about Jessie is wrong. At least, that’s what it feels like during her first week of junior year at her new ultra-intimidating prep school in Los Angeles. Just when she’s thinking about hightailing it back to Chicago, she gets an email from a person calling themselves Somebody/Nobody (SN for short), offering to help her navigate the wilds of Wood Valley High School. Is it an elaborate hoax? Or can she rely on SN for some much-needed help?

It’s been barely two years since her mother’s death, and because her father eloped with a woman he met online, Jessie has been forced to move across the country to live with her stepmonster and her pretentious teenage son.

In a leap of faith—or an act of complete desperation—Jessie begins to rely on SN, and SN quickly becomes her lifeline and closest ally. Jessie can’t help wanting to meet SN in person. But are some mysteries better left unsolved?

As part of the novel’s blog tour, Julie stopped by our lockers to give us answers to a few questions about the book … and tell us three things!

What inspired Tell Me Three Things?

I once received an anonymous email that changed my life (long story!), and so I wanted to capture that magic in Tell Me Three Things. Also, like Jessie, I lost my mother at fourteen, and figured it was time for me to revisit that period in my life and finally sort through that trauma with my fiction. It was cathartic to write from Jessie’s point of view because it gave me the necessary distance. It would have been too hard (and boring) to write about myself at sixteen.

If you found yourself in Jessie's position as a teen, what would you do?

I think Jessie handles her circumstances with so much more grace than I ever would have been able to at her age. (Fortunately, I didn’t have to move or start a new school or deal with a whole new step-family after my mom died, like Jessie does.) Jessie is far from perfect—we wouldn’t want to read about her if she were—and yet I still admire how tough she is given her circumstances. I’m not sure what I would have done had my dad suddenly re-married and re-located us, but it wouldn’t have been pretty. I don’t get mad often, but when I do, watch out world.

Alternatively, what would you tell a teen who found herself in Jessie's position?

Grief gets easier. I don’t think it’s something that ever goes away—there are times even now, twenty four years after the death of my mom, that I still feel like it happened yesterday, and the thought that I’ll never see her again can bring me to my knees. But now I know that I’m going to be okay. The fact of it—that she’s gone—is never going to be okay, but I am/will be. And that realization is just a product of time and survival. So I guess I’d say: Hang in there. You’ll be okay. I promise.

Why write YA?

I’ve been adulting pretty hard the last few years—probably so much so that I have to accept that I can’t even use adult as a verb anymore, because I’m a full-fledged grown up now. I work full time as a writer, I’m married, I have two kids, I have a mortgage, and so many of the big questions of my teen years are now answered. I know who I will grow up to be. That realization drove me to write about and revisit a time when that wasn’t the case, when the world was wide open and mysterious.

Tell me three things—they can be anything you want to reveal!

1. I’m currently obsessed with ramen, and it’s all I want to eat, and I don’t understand why that can’t be the only food group.

2. Last month I binge-watched all three seasons of Dance Academy, and when anyone asked me what I was doing, I said I was working.

3. My husband’s nickname for me is Full Disclosure Buxbaum, because I have a tendency to give way more information than is necessary and I’m incapable of telling a lie. Like my ramen obsession, it’s a problem.

You can get to know Julie better via her website or Twitter.

Tell Me Three Things will be available April 5.

Welcome back to YA Onscreen. Let's hop to!

Although we were pretty sure the Gilmore Girls revival on Netflix was already confirmed, this week it's been extra-extra confirmed! The revivial's called Gilmore Girls: Seasons, and the episodes take their titles from the James Taylor lyrics: "Winter," "Spring," "Summer" and "Fall." 

The cast and crew did a table read, the charming sets are all built and filming begins this week! As such, there is lots of scoop online, because PEOPLE ARE EXCITED:

On those four final words.

A wonderful and emotional interview with Lauren Graham.

A heartbreaking and equally wonderful interview with Kelly Bishop that also happens to confirm the involvement of Liza Weil (Paris) in the reboot.

FINALLY someone talks about Melissa McCarthy and whether Sookie will be involved - basically, she's very busy, but if they can make it happen they will. 

Part One of a great interview with Gilmore Girls creator and all-around genius Amy Sherman-Palladino. Part Two will be published later today. Thank goodness TV journalist Michael Ausiello is as obsessed with Stars Hollow as we are, or we'd never get all of this juicy dish!

Finally, if you haven't, you can follow our entire Gilmore Girls Rewatch Project here. OBVIOUSLY I will be covering the revival for FYA, and I cannot WAIT.

In other news: 

Leonardo DiCaprio is taking his passion for the environment and producing a YA adaptation of The Sandcastle Empire, a climate change dystopian novel. Here's more about that:

The novel was written by Kayla Olson and is set in 2049 when the Earth is at a breaking point due to climate change, coastal flooding and overpopulation. A radical faction known as the Wolfpack overthrows the government and takes control.

Outlander casts Sophie Skelton as Season 2's Brianna, the adult daughter of Jamie and Claire. Follow FYA's Outlander coverage here.

Also Harry Potter's magical education complex has doubled in size: JK Rowling reveals the names of some international schools, including America's! 

And finally: if Josh Hutcherson were your boyfriend.

That's it for this week - give us your thoughts downstairs!

BOOK REPORT for Where Futures End by Parker Peevyhouse

Cover Story: Dimensional Doorways
BFF Charm: Nay
Swoonworthy Scale: 1
Talky Talk: Through the Looking Glass
Bonus Factor: Future
Relationship Status: Enigmatic Blind Date

This one is a bit of a head trip, y'all. Read the full book report over at our series on Kirkus!

Previously, on iZombie: Thanks to a murder, Liv gets to visit the set of her favorite TV show, Zombie High. And Dale connects Blaine to the Meat Cute incident.

Let me just say: I feel so privileged to be the one who gets to recap this episode.

Grey Matters

During and after the investigation into the murder of a librarian, Dale and Clive track Minor’s chip, which causes Major to panic that they’ll track the dog back to him. Thankfully for him, the two only find his collar. (Major, not knowing this, leaves Minor on the bus to find a better home. And we all cried.) The two eventually find Minor, but even more importantly, they find out Blaine’s real name, his connection to one of the victims of the Meat Cute incident, and that he’s the son of one of the missing rich dudes supposedly killed by the Chaos Killer. When they bring him in for questioning, Peyton swoops in with his immunity (the day after sleeping with him).

Meanwhile, Liv tries to move on with Drake, then actually does so. *cue the Marvin Gaye*

Brain Melt

Kristen Bell reading erotica. I never thought I’d see the day, but for some reason I am totally unsurprised.

Liv actually stops herself from going too far with Drake—even after seeing what’s underneath his shirt. Girl’s got some SERIOUS willpower.

The Brain

Librarian Grace LeGare, victim of water hemlock poisoning, was also a romance novelist. An erotic romance novelist. With a VERY vivid imagination and an extremely repressed libido. Her brain turns Liv’s imagination up to 11, and has her going after pretty much any male within arm’s reach.

The Real Monster

Grace’s husband, a former firefighter and hero who lost the use of his legs in an accident five years ago, was afraid of what people would think of him when Grace’s book hit shelves. So he took a page out of Grace’s coworker’s book and poisoned her to death. Instead of, you know, talking things out like a rational human being.

(I’m guessing Clive would have been ecstatic at it actually being the husband this time, if he hadn’t been so preoccupied with the Chaos Killer case.)

Winners and Chewsers

Winner: Drake. Even when doped up on porny librarian brains and being denied by Liv because of said brains, he’s still a total sweetheart.

Loser: Peyton. For someone so smart, she made a seriously poor decision when it came to Blaine. (But really, can we blame her? Guy’s like butter. (You know .. smooooooth.))

Words With a Bite

“—But, Ravi figured it out, and he’s super desperate for an attaboy”—Liv
“ … attaboy.”—Clive

“You know, I’m working on that. My ex says I put a wall up in my interpersonal relationships.”—Drake

“The Upright Position, as read by Kristen Bell. I’ve always felt a sort of connection with her.”—Liv

“I’m gonna show you why they call it a cockpit.”—Kristen Bell, reading The Upright Position

“I’d throw this on your lap if I wasn’t planning on using it later.”—Dale

“Have you guys ever wrestled? Stripped down, oiled up, seen who winds up on top?”—Liv
“Have we?”—Major
“Strangely enough, no.”—Ravi
“Night’s young.”—Major

“Chafing a bit here. I suppose it’s too much to ask for the fuzzy ones?”—Blaine

Picking Your Brain

- Why is Liv so worried about sleeping with Drake? I’m pretty sure he’s not nearly as complicated as Blaine. Plus, we all saw what was under that shirt.

- Where can we get a copy of the audiobook of The Upright Position?

- Are Ravi and Major going to get another dog?

Let’s discuss in the comments!

Next episode: “Physician, Heal Thy Selfie”

Shameless Self-Promotion!

Check out our iZombie themed t-shirts!

Follow the whole rewatch here!

Last week, on Dawson’s Creek.

Welcome to Week 5 of the Dawson's Creek Rewatch Project, the week where business REALLY heats up between our OTP Joey Potter and Pacey Witter.

Last week Britt asked me if I also love ultimate mean girl Abby Morgan, played by Undeclared's Monica Keena, and the answer is a big fat YES. The first few episodes of Dawson's Creek are pretty heavy and overly serious, and Abby brings some much-needed levity and shenanigans to the proceedings. 

So let's drink to levity, to shenanigans, and to Abby Morgan's mastery of mean girlness:

The Dawson's Creek Drinking Game

Drink Once every time:

Joey purses her mouth or chews on her lip

Joey tucks her hair behind her ear

Joey climbs into or out of Dawson's window

Sex makes Dawson and/or Joey extremely uncomfortable

Jen brings up her atheism

Grams says "Jennifaaah"

Someone says the words "black boyfriend" in reference to Bodie

Drink Twice every time:

Dawson mentions Spielberg

You have literally no idea why Joey is mad

Pacey gives someone a really good hug

Cool Jen Lindley is totally crapped on by the universe

Onto the episodes!

1.09 "Road Trip"

Dawson is melodramatically mourning his breakup with Jen, staring moonily out of windows and refusing to eat or sleep. I'm tempted to mock him here, but that is how literally every high schooler deals with being dumped, so I will give him a pass. Joey, however, will not, and she tells him to sack up and get over it. 

And Billy, the other member of the Dumped By Jen Lindley club, is here to help Dawson do just that. Billy invites Dawson to skip school and join him on a road trip to a dive bar in Providence that happens to lie "exactly equidistant between a pair of women's colleges. Co-eds wall-to-wall, Dawson." UGH, I hate the word "co-eds." Especially since these are women's colleges - those students are actually the definitive opposite of co-eds. Obviously Billy wants Dawson to get laid so he can then rat him out to Jen, and Dawson knows as much, but he also needs a change of scenery, so he agrees. Pacey hears the slightest hint of rebellious behavior and is all "I'm in!" even though no one actually asked him, and all three boys take the ferry to Providence, which turns out to be a euphemism for exactly nothing. 

Dawson fares pretty well in this gross scenario - he immediately picks out a cute girl named Nina wearing a Film Threat t-shirt, and they talk movies all night while Billy glowers that his romantic rival isn't making a fool of himself (Pacey's doing that for him, introducing himself as the drummer for Pearl Jam to one unimpressed young woman). Billy even attempts to cock-block Dawson, but Nina coolly turns from Billy and suggests to Dawson that they get out of there, and then Dawson cock-blocks himself by admitting to Nina that he isn't over his ex yet, and he doesn't want to be unfair to Jen or Nina by moving on before he's ready. Nina's like "Respect," and they kiss a little, before she tells him to call her if Jen "doesn't come to her senses."

Not bad, Dawson! Dawson takes his newfound self-confidence and tells off Billy, who leaves Dawson and Pacey to find their own way back to Capeside. Smell ya later, Billy!

Meanwhile, Joey and Jen do some excellent girl-bonding in this episode, mutually disgusted that Dawson is road-tripping with bad boy Billy on a tail-finding mission (Billy lied and said he was taking Dawson to, and I'm quoting Joey here, "a whorehouse.") Their bonding deepens when Joey becomes the target of a vile lie told by a moron. She grudgingly accepts a ride to school from Capeside jock Warren, who then immediately tells everyone that he and Joey had sex. Joey's so accustomed to being the subject of distasteful gossip that she tries to shrug it off, but Jen is OUTRAGED on her behalf, and they cook up a revenge rumor, using Abby Morgan's relentless gossip mill, that Warren knocked up Joey. Joey is so terrific in her tearful confession to Abby - I almost believed her, myself!

But this plan predictably backfires on Joey more than on Warren, because high school is an unjust place, and Joey and Jen fight about it, which even more predictably morphs into a fight about Dawson in which some harsh but true things are said by each girl. (Joey: "Dawson was probably the first decent guy you've ever gone out with, and look what you did. You drove him right into the arms of a prostitute." Jen: "The truth is that ever since Dawson and I broke up, you've been scared to death. You've been scared because now there's no more excuses. There's no one else to blame.") But when Jen learns from Abby that Warren apparently has erectile dysfunction (in high school?! He's gay.), she immediately gives the ammunition to Joey, who uses it to squash her gossip but good. Joey and Jen make up beautifully, both girls vowing to not let Dawson get in the way of their friendship. What a great episode for both ladies - Joey is stone-cold fearless with Warren, and Jen is so supportive and cool. 

How many times did I have to drink? 16.

Guess who? Nina is played by Melissa McBride, who later chopped off all those gorgeous curls to become Carol on The Walking Dead!

Guess who x 2: Warren is played by inexplicably ever-present Eric Balfour, who was on Buffy, Six Feet Under and, of course, played Eddie on The O.C. He universally sucks.

The truest thing anybody said this week: Joey, about Dawson's Jen-related grief bonanza, "See, your problem is that you're getting off on this."

Nice Guy Dawson Leery: Of Jen, "She rejected romance, honesty and respect." Maybe she just rejected YOU, Dawson. Joey agrees: "She dumped you, not your belief system."

Bad boy Dawson Leery: Before cutting school, he turns in his math homework, a point that Pacey cannot help but gleefully belabor the rest of the episode.

Best pop culture reference: Dawson, Pacey and Billy plot revenge against a couple of drunk jerks on the ferry. Pacey's idea is Beverly Hills Cop-inspired - "Banana in the tailpipe?" - but Dawson's thinking more American Graffiti-style.

Most meta moment: The teacher who confronts Joey about her fake teen pregnancy is the same from "Detention," named Mrs. Tringle. This is surely a one-letter-off foreshadowing reference to Kevin Williamson's Teaching Mrs. Tingle, starring Katie Holmes. Teaching Mrs. Tingle didn't come out until a year later, but he'd probably already written the script and conceived of the character. 

Grams' best face: Stupid Billy BREAKS INTO JEN'S HOUSE and climbs into her bed, which is mildly terrifying, but cucumber-cool Grams puts him in his place with one look:

And Jen keeps him in his place with this: "I’d have to say no. But I’d also like to add ‘not a chance' and 'never again.’"

Least likely dialogue: Dawson tells Pacey, "“Here you go equating fun with youthful indiscretions," and Pacey acknowledges the unlikelihood of that statement, replying, "Youthful indiscretions? What am I doing, running for Senate?”

BFFs: Jen and Joey add fuel to my friendship 'shipping, sharing an "ice cream anti-social" and being sweeter and more mature than they've ever been with one another. I wish they were like this all the time!

Most recognizable song: Savage Garden's "Truly Madly Deeply."

1.10 "Double Date"

This week, Jen does the thing that every Nice Guy fears above all else: she asks Dawson if they can be friends. Dawson responds by losing his goddamn mind, and takes some highly stupid Pacey advice to show Jen he doesn't care about her by inviting her on a carnival double date with Cliff and a sweet girl named Mary Beth. Mary Beth deserves better than to be treated as jealousy-bait. This is Mary Beth:

I like her! She's smart enough to be suspicious of Dawson's motives, and doesn't hesitate to give him what's for when she discovers she's been cornered into a double date with his ex-girlfriend, a fairly crucial piece of information that Dawson withheld. The date goes very badly, with Dawson and Cliff engaging in macho carnie-game competitions and Dawson handing the stuffed animal he won to Jen instead of Mary Beth. BUT Mary Beth is also smart enough to not actually like Dawson, and it turns out she has a crush on Cliff! So she and Dawson make a Friends-type pact to rip this couple apart and keep the pieces for themselves. Neither is successful, because poor Mary Beth's idea of flirting is to marvel at the fact that "inflammable" and "flammable" mean the same thing, and because Dawson is Dawson. He confronts Jen on the ferris wheel about why she said she needed to be alone if she was just going to start dating again immediately, and Jen is like "BLESS, can this conversation please be over now?" The whole thing is an unmitigated debacle.

Moving on to way more fun stuff! Pacey is failing biology, because he's a chronic under-achiever. I blame his permanently disapproving father. The science teacher tells Pacey that he scored very highly on his aptitude tests and should be doing much better in class, so he pairs him up with another student for an extra-credit assignment to raise his grade. That student is Joey Potter, whom we'll later learn is taking the extra credit to elevate her grade from a 98 to a 100. She knows this is pathetic! She just wants to get out of Capeside so bad! Also I suspect she's bored and does extra credit for fun. 

The assignment is to observe the reproductive habits of snails, and Pacey tries to mix things up a bit by placing a third, very pretty snail in the cage for some sexy snail threesome action. Joey is NOT impressed, but she's even less impressed with Dawson's crappy antics this week.

Turns out that pretty snail was a carnivore and now Pacey and Joey must spend the day finding new snails to observe. But really, who cares about the why and the how: we get an entire episode of Joey and Pacey snarking at each other adorably! They might be in biology class, but this episode is LADEN WITH CHEMISTRY.

After a while, their snark develops a friendlier tinge, and when they have to change out of wet clothes after hiking through the creek and Pacey gets a glimpse at Joey's bare shoulder, the friendly tinge turns flirty. SO MANY CUTE LOOKS IN THIS EPISODE, particularly when Pacey tells Joey that he knows she'll get out this town: 

He realizes he's developing a crush on Joey, and he heads to the carnival to ask Dawson for his permission to act on that crush, which is better than Dawson deserves, really. Dawson WIGS OUT, offers his permission, retracts it, offers it again, retracts it again...but ultimately he tells Pacey that of course he doesn't mind if he kisses Joey, because "what could be better" than "my two best friends, kissing." Pacey sneaks away before Dawson can change his mind again, but when he tries to kiss Joey, it doesn't go great. 

She's shocked but sweet about it, and when he tells her he's attracted to her, she says she also had a good time today, but not in the same way. (YEAH RIGHT, POTTER.) Pacey handles the rejection with good grace, and then asks her sadly, "By some slim chance that you would actually kiss me back, you'd be probably thinking of somebody else, right?" Joey just makes this face: 

And it's all kind of a bittersweet bummer, but DON'T WORRY, IT WILL TURN OUT FINE EVENTUALLY. Later, Dawson's tossing and turning in bed, and then he jumps out and flees to the video store to confront Pacey and retract his permission once more. Pacey gives him a hard time at first, pretending that he and Joey are now a couple, before giving him some real good come-to-Jesus advice: 

You know, it's time you start asking yourself some serious questions, Dawson. Because you exhaust way too much time and energy on a girl you call your friend. So, you know what? Let's just set the record straight here. Who's it going to be? Is it Jen or is it Joey? Do you like the blond or do you like the brunette? These questions are not going to go away, Dawson. It's time you provide some answers.

Dawson just looks like he's going to boot until the credits roll. 

How many times did I have to drink? 10

The truest thing anybody said this week: 

The least true thing anybody said this week: 

Dawson's most clueless moment: He says to Joey, about Jen, "How could you simply be friends with someone when every time you look at them, all you think about is how much more you really want them?" Joey's like OH JEEZ HOW COULD I POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE. 

I love this Kevin Williamson quote: On the moment he knew Pacey and Joey were a possibility...

--

That's it for this week! Britt, I have a question for you, as a relative newbie to the show...does Pacey translate as well, watching him as an adult? My crush on him is so ingrained (from Mighty Ducks days, if we're being honest) that I have no idea what it feels like to watch Pacey with grown-up eyes. My whole head and heart turn smitten teenager the moment he's on the screen. 

Meet Britt here next Wednesday morning as she covers two GREAT episodes, "The Scare" and "Beauty Contest."

Hello, friends! Welcome to the middle of the season! Welcome to the slate of terrible men she will NOT be marrying by the end of May sweeps! Welcome to the second week in a row of everyone is Jane's life *knowing* she has always had one strong personality trait, but her not figuring that out until after a run of heartbreak and/or shenanigans!

AWARDS

THIS WEEK'S MVP(arent)

I do believe Alba came through with the best (grand)parenting again this week, although Rogelio was a close second for working so hard (if eventually failing) at reverse-parenting his mom.

BEST TELENOVELA TWIST

Thank goodness for a slower than normal week in Jane's real world—it lets me hand this award to Rogelio's new AMAZING show-within-a-show sending their pre-Victorian cobbler hero forward in time…to the Stonewall riots.

Like I said: amazing.

BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT

Wells Fargo. Or rather, Justin Baldoni as a product placement FOR Wells Fargo.

Runner-up: Cinderella, as portrayed by every character in their own way, and invoked by Miami’s off-brand Tinder, Cynder.

Runner-runner-up: Pretty Little Liars, somehow??? Who knew that when I saw that beanie in last week's promo and invoked RGWBIFB that it would turn out to be an *actual* Rosewood boy (if non-white) under that sk8rboi slouch.

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It's a small world when terrible men are involved!

PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN

Jane entered a graduate program for creative writing and finagled an ex-Magic Mike as her advisor; Rogelio's mom/Jane's Glamma came to town and stirred up DRAMA by lying multiple times, in multiple ways, about how Ro's dad is gay and leaving her; Rafael's mom/Mateo's Grandma proved to be a Grand-LARCENY-ma when she revealed herself to be none other than the international crime lord, Mutter, by jabbing a syringe into her own son's neck as she demanded he give up the location of that microchip Michael illegally traded to Nadine/Rose in exchange for kidnapped Mateo's safe return.

THIS WEEK

Portrait of a Writer as a Baby!Jane

Here is a secret (that is probably not so secret) about people with DREAMS: sometimes (often) we get so subconsciously scared of actually following through with the daily grind of hard work needed to achieve them, that we fixate on the lack of a specific tool or milestone or flash of divine genius and decide that absolutely NO progress can be made without it/the other/all three. This is the exact position that Baby!Jane is in when she determines that a Real Writer needs a laptop in order to be able to "write anywhere," and thus why she spends months and months and all her quinceañara money to get one (rather than just carrying around a comp book and a handful of pens). It's also the exact position she finds herself in when it turns out that it wasn't just the laptop she needed to be a Real Writer, but also for the muse to speak to her. 

Luckily, our Jane is as much a worker as a dreamer, so she manages to grasp so tightly to this pattern that the "wait for the muse to strike" thing does ultimately work out for her, both as a teen and as an adult. Unluckily, her dependence on her computer…does not. SURPRISE! Technology is dumb and unreliable, and we are its slaves!

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The face of the enemy.

Right, so present-day Jane, after spending all of her night awake tending to her muse, loses all of her work to baby Mateo's giddy first crawlabout, a pitcher of orange juice, and the lack of any form of Cloud account. GIRL. Dropbox! Google Drive! How are you not already on this (she asked, composing a recap in a CMS system that has repeatedly eaten all her work over the years because she's too lazy to open up a new Google Doc tab)???

Lena's Back, Everyone! 

As BFF Lena (HI LENA) discovers when she accompanies Jane to Computer World later that day and physically has to restrain her jaw from falling to the floor when Jane is completely blind to the pass Dax the Comp Jock was making at her, it turns out that the Cloud is not the only piece of modern technology our Jane isn't hip to. Jane is so far behind the dating times that OKCupid isn't even a blip on her radar, let alone Cynder. Jane is so far behind the times she thinks a meet cute is "the old fashioned way" of meeting a new potential partner. 

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Ugh, how does that sounds fun at all.

Lena, predictably, is horrified. And just as predictably, she sets up a Cynder account for Jane behind her back, which leads to a supes poorly matched dudebro ambushing her at a coffeeshop later when she takes off the afternoon to try and reconstitute her midnight genius from scratch (man, been there). At least Lena is self-aware enough to realize that maybe that was one step too far, and she passes all Jane's account info on for Jane to do with as she sees fit. And while Jane is initially dead set on deleting it, sight unseen, the surprise of finding four dozen messages and twice as many winks waiitng for her in her malibox leads catches her short.

Cynder, or Goldilocks?

Naturally, all the messages she has the guts to open are tamely horrifying, but the fact that they exist at all prompts Jane to experiment with what interest she could garner changing her party pictures out for ones with Mateo, and her party "likes" out for Isabel Allende and grilled cheese. And it works! She gets ONE guy interested—a cute scientist ("no, for real") who shows genuine interest in Mateo and Jane's life as a young mom. The two start chatting, then eventually set up a coffee date. And it goes so well! At least, until Jane's imagination runs away from her and starts planning her and Mateo's future with the guy, and her overenthusiasm prompts him to text his friend for a rescue call.

Jane's problem, both Lena and Xo explain later, is that she is too stuck in the idea that she needs to find Mateo's stepdad, when what she *actually* needs to do is go to a bar in search of some hookup action. It's like they don't even know her!! But Jane lets herself be swept along by their enthusiasm, and soon finds herself downing shots with Lena befoe running into Dax the Comp Jock and surprise sk8erboi, who is (surprise!) terrible. How terrible? Well, after flirting with her all night and teaching her how to (wipe out on a) skateboard, he implies that he's ready to make their hookup a one-night stand…and then proceeds to use a weekend away with his girlfriend as the reason he can't make plans with Jane on Saturday. 

Jane returns home, rightfully (and righteously) angry at both Dax and the idea that she might be expected to KEEP going on dates that may or may not turn out just as bad, JUST to get a little action. "It just seems exhausting," Jane sighs, quoting my actual inner dialogue anytime I recall that dating is a thing women my age maybe should do, "the prospect of doing this time and again for what amounts to nothing."

"Well, you're just a relationship girl," Xiomara and Alba both shrug, which seems like a fact they could have convinced Jane of before she went out and spent money and time on strange men. But whereas I regularly reach that conclusion about myself and just…stop…both Xo and Alba impress upon Jane the importance of keeping herself open to—and looking for—possibilities, because if you let yourself get into a rut, you'll be a lonely old woman set in her ways before you know it. And considering the very on-brand sex dream Jane has that night about her kid-, grilled cheese-, Isabel Allende-loving advisor later that night, it is advice Jane has taken to heart.

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I KNEW IT WAS A DREAM

(Oh, and her computer: the files come back fully restored, but it ends up not mattering because Jane took Professor Chavez's story about The Sun Also Rises to heart and lets herself be struck by a different muse, rather than trying to reconstitute the other chapter from memory. And what does she use to write it down? A notepad and pen.)

Rogelio's New Glammanager

While Xo is reveling in the fact that she was always right, Rogelio is still reeling from the revelation that his mother is a master manipulator. He is independent enough to not be completely taken in by her It's a wonderful day to be Rogelio warbling and sweet+savory breakfast apology, but it does soften him up enough to try to solve the problem by asking his father to keep up with the marriage-as-partnership-not-romance as before, at his mother's request. Alas, Ro's dad is in love and ready to move in with his new partner, and it is clear to everyone in the Villanueva home that he is so so happy, so that's a non-starter. Knowing how lonely and adrift his mom is feeling, Ro determines that what she will need to bounce back is something to do with herself, and so he does the first thing that comes to mind: he hires her as his manager for his new telenovela, Tiago Through Time (!!!!).

Or rather, re-hires her. Because it turns out (as we see in glorious Baby!Ro flashback), Liliana was his manager as a kid! Xiomara and every single person who has ever watched television and/or had a mom immediately knows that this is a bad plan, but Ro is set on it. Unfortunately, Liliana is a nightmare on set. She rewrites scenes, complains on his behalf about things he actually likes, and, worst of all, replaces his rip-away cobbler's apron with a solidly tied one.

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Xiomara tries to counsel him to keep Liliana on and just talk issues through with her as they come up, but Rogelio knows what he has to do, and fires her. Liliana is crushed, but understanding. She is also warmed up to Xiomara after Xo tries to take the blame for the decision. "That's a winner," Liliana tells Rogelio later on, as Jane listens in from the other side of the soundstage wall. "You should marry her."

It's Not a Wonderful Day to be Rafael

While Jane was whizzing through her computer drama, Rafael was waking up from his crime lord mother's tranquilizer, coming to terms with the fact that not only did she abandon him as a child, but she is a worse human being even than Rose, and then racing to the hospital when Petra starts bleeding and checks herself in. Oh, also he has to lie to Jane about how he really feels about her still, after she confesses to her coffe shop ambush date and he confesses to feeling awkward hearing about it, even if they are technically together.

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The Elena/Mutter thing gets shifted to Michael's storyline, thankfully, but Raf is still stuck with the rest. Petra, especially—stuck on bedrest for the rest of the week (/her pregnancy?)—is a tough nut to crack, because she is a tough patient to nurse, because, it turns out, she is freaking the eff out about that late-term miscarriage she had five years ago, when she and Raf were still married. Once Raf realizes that that is what is making Petra so impossible to be around that not even paid medical professionals will tend to her, he warms up and keeps her uninterrupted company, and we are all treated to a very sweet scene where they use a fishbowl to determine names for the babies-to-be. 

How Is Michael Still Employed

After realizing too late that Elena was the crime lord they were after all along—and after Rafael tells Michael that what Elena was after when she drugged him was the microchip that Michael illegally traded for Mateo—Michael has to come clean to both Susanna and his boss about it (had he not done this already??). Susanna, rightfully, storms off and immediately sets to writing up a report on every act of misconduct she knows about, and it takes Michael a fair amount of begging to get her to give him a chance to figure out what might have happened between him giving the chip to Nadine, and Nadine dying. To that end, we are treated to a truncated flashback to his and Nadine's month in Mexico, which was apparently spent apart but for weekly beer dates on the beach, the last at which Nadine used a distraction as an opportunity to break her beer bottle, slice open Michael's leg with it, insert the teeeeeeny microchip in the cut, cast a curse on it to keep it from falling out when Michael got home and cleaned the wound, and then give Michael a very cryptic message about, whatever happens tonight, know that it's ON YOU. As in, physically on you, not metaphorically on your conscience. Though feel free to keep feeling guilty, too, Michael!

Anyway, the Miami PD has a the chip now. Fingers crossed it brings Rose back to our screens!

Alba's Got a Brand New Man?

Finally, a cute cliffhanger, in the form of Jane convincing Alba to set up a retirees' dating profile, and then Alba returning to the computer later to website page search a specific name that none of us have ever seen before. So, poll:

NEXT TIME

<-- Jane the Virgin 2x09: Chapter Thirty-One

Jane the Virgin 2x11: Chapter Thirty-Three -->

BOOK REPORT for These Vicious Masks (These Vicious Masks #1) by Tarun Shanker and Kelly Zekas

Cover Story: Heading to the Masquerade
BFF Charm: Heck Yes
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: The Austen School for Gifted Individuals
Bonus Factors: Sass, Shades of Darcy
Anti-Bonus Factor: Love Triangle
Relationship Status: Will Call Again Soon

Cover Story: Heading to the Masquerade

This book is totally ready to head to the masquerade ball. All it has left to do is put on the mask.

The Deal:

In the late 1880s, a person or family’s reputation is the most important thing about them. Evelyn Wyndham, the eldest daughter of a decently well positioned English family, knows this, but chafes at the restraints of society—particularly those that come with being of marrying age. Evelyn, and her sister, Rose, would much rather spend their time nursing the sick and wounded, a hobby that has made them well-known in the village of Bramhurst.

When Rose goes missing, Evelyn can’t get anyone to believe that she hasn’t just run off to start a career. So Evelyn takes the search into her own hands, and heads off to London to investigate. She soon finds herself in completely over her head, particularly when she learns that certain people have super human abilities, and she might be one of them.

BFF Charm: Heck Yes

From the very first line of These Vicious Masks, I knew that I adored Evelyn Wyndham. She’s a total Jane Austen-esque heroine, someone who’s totally tired of the pressures of society and isn’t afraid to think it, but maintains a pleasant facade for appearance’s (and her mother’s) sake. She’s also supremely loyal, and smart to boot. She knows that her sister’s disappearance isn’t a simple runaway case, and she’s willing to do what it takes to bring her home, even if that means putting her own reputation at risk. She also has a ton of common sense, and a logical mind; when faced with the impossible, Evelyn seeks out the truth, and trusts herself to believe in facts, regardless of how crazy they might seem.

Swoonworthy Scale: 6

There are two eligible gentlemen in Evelyn’s life, but neither is who they seem to be at first, and both have some a variety of qualities that make them appealing and a handful of ones that don’t. Evelyn herself is pretty confused as to who’s the better suitor, or who she actually likes, and waffles back and forth throughout These Vicious Masks.

I have a pretty solid assumption who Evelyn will end up with in the end, but—as this is the first in a series, and nothing is really resolved—we’ll just have to wait and see if I’m right.

Talky Talk: The Austen School for Gifted Individuals

These Vicious Masks is being marketed as “Jane Austen meets the X-Men.” On the surface, that phrase is somewhat accurate—the book does have a main character who's a precocious woman ahead of her time, and features characters with a myriad of superpowers, some who use them for good, some for bad. But Tarun Shanker and Kelly Zekas have written a book that takes the best of what’s come before and molds it into something unique. There are strong echoes of Austen and her contemporaries’ plots, but that just goes to prove how far-reaching and relatable such plots are. Even when they’re not exactly deep, which is also the case with These Vicious Masks. (But that’s not a bad thing!)

Shanker and Zekas’ characters are more modern versions of their predecessors, but they stay true to the restrictions of the time period. Evelyn feels like someone who I’d hang out with today, even while she’s lamenting having to go to balls and being shamed for being in a man’s house without a chaperone.

If you’re looking for a group of costumed superheroes battling costumed supervillains, however, you’re out of luck. The breakdown of the novel is more like ¾ Austen and ¼ X-Men. There may be spandex in books to come—this is the first in a series—but, again, we’ll just have to wait and see.

Bonus Factor: Sass

I’ve mentioned this multiple times already in the review, but Evelyn is awesome. Take this exchange for example:

“[Mother] leaned in confidentially. “Evelyn, see there. The eldest from the Ralstons. I hear they have a lovely collection of stained glass windows.” Ah, yes, just my type: a stiff prideful lord-to-be with impeccable, cold deportment to prove his perfect breeding.

“Set a date,” I declared solemnly with a wave of my hand. “I shall marry him immediately.”

Rose choked back her giggle, but Mother was far less amused. “Not this childish behavior again,” she said through her teeth, which were still arranged in a polite smile for guests. “You will give these men more than a second’s thought or deeply regret this attitude in a few years’ time.”

“Yes, when I’m crying next to, God forbid, a plain window,” I said with a sigh.

You do you, Evelyn.

Bonus Factor: Shades of Darcy

One of the young men in These Vicious Masks shows up at a ball and Evelyn immediately can’t stand him, thanks to his sullen demeanor and poor manners. However, first impressions can be deceiving, and you can’t be sure of people’s true intentions until you get to know them. Sound familiar?

Anti-Bonus Factor: Love Triangle

Like I mentioned in Swoonworthy Scale above, there are two men in Evelyn’s life. And although it’s not entirely clear if either of them have marrying on their mind at the start of the novel, it is clear that there is an animosity between the two that Evelyn’s stuck in the middle of, and her feelings ebb and flow as the story progresses.

Casting Call:

Daisy Ridley as Evelyn

Relationship Status: Will Call Again Soon

I had an absolutely delightful time with you, Book. Your story, although not the most original or intense, was both engaging and engrossing, and the people you surround yourself with are more than simply pleasurable. I look forward to the next time we are together; feel free to call on my home any time you’re in the area.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a copy of this book from Swoon Reads, but got neither a private dance party with Tom Hiddleston nor money in exchange for this review. These Vicious Masks will be available Feb. 9.

Hello everyone! Catie and Rosemary here, old man masks on and emoji keyboards at the ready!

AWARDS

BIGGEST SHOCK/BEST SURPRISE

alt-A has really upgraded the mask game, and as a result s/he can now look like ANYONE. Well, any mute gum-faced uniformed lurker, anyway. We'll put out an APB. 

BIGGEST NO-DUH

Men. Are. Garbage.

MOST UPVOTED NEW COMMENT ON TRIPADVISOR: ROSEWOOD

"Luxurious hotel, but when I complained to the bellhop that someone stole my golf clubs, he just gave me a dead-eyed stare and didn't respond. One star. - Gary K."

THAT'S SO FREEFORM

Twitter is the new Facebook, Snapchat is the new Twitter… but come on, Emily, everyone knows that carrier pigeon is the new Snapchat.

#ThatsSoFreeform

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

SPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEB

SPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEB

SPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEB

SPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEB

SPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEB

SPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEB

SPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEBSPALEB

Oh and Ezra maybe killed Charlotte and even if he didn’t, he yelled aggressively at a group of girls with PTSD who are probably being stalked and framed for that murder. So yeah. HE’S GREAT.

THIS WEEK

Everyone’s story was so extremely pointless this week that we’ve decided to knock them out, Liar by Liar.

Post-Spaleb Liars Summit
After a night of what we presume to be lots of sexy hand holding, Spencer awakes lying naked next to Caleb in the Barn Bed. “Have they been doing it since last week?” Rosemary’s husband asks. We hope so! Spencer gets out of bed and makes coffee very sexily with hardly any clothes on and lots of stretching, then checks her phone to about a million freak-out texts from the Liars and one threatening text from Devil Emoji alt-A.

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Literally no chill.

She rushes to Hotel Radley to meet the girls and figure out who this new alt-A could be. Despite the fact that Sara can’t write her own name, they figure she’s probably just forcing Siri to type out her insane texts for her. She did spend two years helping Charlotte, after all, which is enough time to get an Associate’s Degree in Cyber Bullying. Hanna, who lives on the mean streets of the upper east side of Manhattan and has a boss who throws staplers at her, is like “EFF it, what can this new alt-A do to me that hasn’t already been done to me?” so she responds to the text.

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New phone, who dis?

WELL DUH PLL BARELY HAS A PARENT BUDGET HOW CAN THEY AFFORD TO INTRODUCE NEW CHARACTERS NOW? Even though they all know Sara Harvey, and this text could just further that theory, they decide maybe it’s Alison? Emily calls her to see if she’s in a place conducive to stalking, but Alison’s with Dr. Rollins at the Rollins Family Farm on a dairy tour, and it’s hard to be a cyber stalker when you’re busy tasting Amish cheeses, so Alison is probably not alt-A.

The girls are interrupted by Lorenzo’s televised press conference, announcing that they’ve narrowed down the list of suspects and even have a murder weapon. The girls are wondering what this could possibly be, when alt-A sends them a convenient simul-text:

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The Patriarchy. In the Men's Club. With the 9-iron.

“You could kill someone with that thing,” Emily says, as though people haven’t been killed with much less in Rosewood.

EMILY & ARIA

Poor, beautiful, fertile Emily Fields and her tiny skirt have nothing important to do this week, beyond being used as a foil in Aria’s increasingly whackadoodle schemes to prove that Ezra can’t really be THAT bad, CAN HE?? Aria, please call us, we have some very important things to tell and show you. The short answer is: A-YUP.

The other terrible thing about this week is that Aria now has two conniving predatory men back in her life: her dad’s around! She and the Liars first spy him getting onto an elevator at Radley, carrying an overnight bag. They all make raisey-eyebrows at each other while Aria says innocently, “I didn’t know he was seeing anyone…”

Take A Chill Pill (or 400)
It’s good to know that even #FiveYearsForward Aria is still wearing completely ridiculous clothes with bits of animals glued to them. Today two zebras are appliquéd to her sweatshirt, their yarn manes flopping all around. We would wonder if Hanna’s fancy fashion eyes ever go a bit twitchy when Aria is around, but Hanna spent most of the last episode in a mini shoulderpads robe, so she is no longer allowed to pass judgment on others. Only we are allowed to do that!

Anyway, Aria hangs around the General Brewstore, bothering Sabrina like a gnat. “Where’s Ezra? Where did he go? When did he say that? Are you sure that’s where he is? Why didn’t he tell me? I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME DOESN’T HE LOVE ME?” Sabrina is just like, you need to take a literal chill pill, here are 900 weed cookies, please get out of my face. Also, Ezra goes out of town all the time to be sad, and please stop pretending like you still know everything about him. It’s been FIVE YEARS.

via

::peace sign emoji::

Operation Infiltration
But Aria has a mission even beyond Ezra’s terrible book she’s secretly ghostwriting for him: she needs to find out if his golf club set is complete. Because if his 9 iron is missing, at least they’ll know what they’re up against. Which is… a murderer.

Sabrina won’t give Aria the keys to Ezra’s loft, so she bullies Emily into using her beautiful, fertile feminine wiles to distract Sabrina while Aria steals the key. Poor Emily is actually having a really nice conversation with Sabrina (who, for the record, still thinks that Em is maybe dying from a mysterious disease). So it’s especially frustrating when Sabrina later finds out that the conversation was just a front for illegal snooping activities, because Emily can’t make her believe that while the initial premise of their convo may have been false, all that flirting was really real.

via

Meanwhile, Aria digs through Ezra’s loft and finds his 9 iron sitting right in its golf bag hole, between his 8 iron and his 10 iron. She’s SO relieved, that she immediately decides to listen to Ezra’s answering machine messages, because she has never seen a sitcom in her life and cannot imagine how this could possibly end badly! And badly end, it does: she overhears a message from her father, telling Ezra “I have to talk to you about what you think you saw that night…” Ezra and Byron: two peas in a stupid pod. Put them on a boat and cast them out to sea.

Usual Suspects
Aria’s LiarLogic brain leaps and leaps to conclusions. We see in a flashback that Byron and Ella argued about Charlotte. Ella felt bad for her, went to see her in prison, and learned that her doctors thought she was doing better. Byron, of course, just got all pissy and shouted “Charlotte DiLaurentis will walk the streets of Rosewood over my dead body!” Now, we think this sounds like he will just off himself, but we’re no LiarLogic experts, here. We also think that PLL may have used its whole parent budget on this scene, so they’re probably going to have to kill off another one soon.

Aria drags Emily bodily away from her (very nice!) conversation with Sabrina so they can go home and spy on Byron. While Aria’s running around being frantic, Emily sits in the living room, and SOME CREEPY OLD MAN MAILMAN STANDS OUTSIDE AND WATCHES HER. 

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Emily, stay away from all windows and apparently also envelopes!!

Aria calls her dad, but he blows her off saying he’s in a meeting, and hangs up. He then turns to the person next to him in a dark car and says, “I think she knows.” !! 

Aria eventually finds her dad’s spare car key (for some reason it was stashed in one of her old purses, among a pile of old purses in her closet, and this is the inexplicable detail that we are having the hardest time reconciling this episode. What possible reason could you have to put a spare key in a pile of old purses, and not dig it out for five years??) and opens his trunk to find his 5 iron, 6 iron, 7 iron, 8 iron… and nothing else. DUM DUM DUUUUUM.

HANNA

::pointy finger emoji:: + ::pig emoji:: = ::sixteen knife emojis:: ::coffin emoji::
Just in case you did not know that Hanna has really leveled up in life, money wise, she spends a lot of this episode talking about private planes and expensive attorneys on retainer and how her boss throws literal staplers at her. Evidently a trust fund cannot yet buy a personal force field, or a nicer boss. But the rest of Hanna’s life just seems to be coming up so many expensive roses, and Emily wonders why—since Hanna seems so happy—she and Jordan haven’t yet set a wedding date. Hanna says that these last few weeks have made her fiiiiiinally feel ready, except for one tiny snag: she lied to him about where she went, that night that she deleted the security footage. And to Hanna, this one lie might be enough to make Jordan break up with her for good. This sounds insane to us, but relationships are weird, we guess!

In typical Hanna fashion, she decides to deal with all of this Right Away (which is, honestly, awesome for her). Jordan, to his credit, is not only very nice about the whole thing, telling her that shew as just looking out for her friends, but he also immediately picks up the phone and gets his “Pappy” (barf) to order up his fancy attorney to protect Hanna. She promises him that she won’t lie to him, ever again.

There’s just one teensy problem with all of this: Hanna has been lying, again, the whole time. She got another alt-A text, just to her, explaining that if she narcs on the new emoji harassment, s/he will ::bomb emoji:: them all up. So she keeps her lips zipped, even when people keep saying “are you SURE you’ve told us EVERYTHING?” She’s sure.

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The broken heart is because I'm sad!!

Marin Is As Marin Does
Hanna also stops by her house to come clean to her mom about erasing the tape. Ashely is like, wine give me strength, and drags Hanna into the kitchen for a good old fashioned lecturing-to. She’s so pissed you can almost see a wrinkle pushing through her Botoxed brow. She explains that Hanna didn’t even do a good job of erasing the footage, because it’s all backed up at some remote site called The Farm, and the police could find it any day. “So let’s go erase THAT!” cries Hanna, who never met a problem she couldn’t solve by aggressively tackling it immediately and recklessly. “We can’t,” says Ashley omniously.

So Hanna prepares herself for the worst, but her showdown with Lorenzo at RPD HQ is super anti-climactic: fancy lawyer comes out to tell Hanna that she’s free to go. The police lost the backup drive. HMMM…

At Chez Marin, Ashley’s upgraded to some harder stuff. She pours herself a few fingers of booze and takes a few swallows before opening up the box of spaghetti she’s clutching and drawing out a hard drive, labeled RADLEY HOTEL BACKUP SECURITY SYSTEM.

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Damn, girl.

SPENCER

The Morning After
Things are a little awkward for Hastings and Rivers, Private (Heart) Eyes after their night of passionate hand-holding. When they meet up at the Hastings for Senate HQ the next day, Caleb leans in to ask if Spencer snuck out because...you know, the hand holding...but she assures him last night was perfect. A suit named Gil appears and hands her a thick file on the opposing candidate, Olivia Phillips. Assuming Olivia doesn’t have a pile of dead bodies in her azaleas, we can’t help but wonder how thick Veronica’s file must be over at Phillips for Senate HQ. Spencer flips to the dossier on Olivia’s daughter, Yvonne, and cryptically asks Caleb about her. Is she nice? Pretty? Does she come with a lot of baggage? LIKE MORE BAGGAGE THAN ME? Caleb just shrugs like “Baby, what baggage?” We laugh.

Brohood of Ex-Boyfriends
With Spencer’s okay, Caleb goes to visit Toby, and we realize that Yvonne Phillips is the mystery woman that Toby is building a house for. She appears, greeting Caleb warmly and giving Toby a kiss before bouncing away, and seems lovely if not a little annoying when making inside jokes about retro television. Caleb’s like, “You know you can just take girls on dates, right? You don’t have to build houses for them.” But then Toby asks who Caleb’s building houses for these days. “I connected with someone a few years ago but the timing was wrong. That’s why I’m here, actually."

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Surprise! We're Spalebing!

Toby’s mouth says “I mean I guess if it’s what you both want it has been five years which is a perfectly acceptable amount of time so you have my blessing,” but his furrowed brow and jutting chin say DEAR GOD NO SOMEONE HOLD ME.

Meanwhile, at Ezra’s Brew-n-Books Mercantile, Spencer sits outside reading the dossier on Yvonne and sees that Toby plans to propose—soon. That's some damn good intel. Before she can properly freak out about his, she’s blinded by a flash. Someone in a black town car is taking photos of her. With the flash. From inside a car with tinted windows. “That’s not how tinted windows work,” Rosemary’s husband says, and he’s right. The new Big Bad is gonna be real disappointed when he gets those photos developed.

Instead of chasing the car to get a license plate number, Spencer heads over to Radley to prep for the next day’s town hall meeting. She’s trying to go over the deets with Gil Suit but is distracted by Toby pacing by the bar holding a ring box with an engagement ring in it. Hello, Captain Obvious. Just then, she gets another alt-A text. “Guess she is better than you. He’d never put a ::ring emoji:: on your finger.” What a bitch.

Keyboard Caleb
Spencer calls Hanna to tell her about the new A text she got and convince her they should get Caleb in on this action. Hanna’s a bit tense about the Caleb thing, but they ultimately decide to let him do his thing so that Hanna can resume being totally, mostly, sort of honest with Jordan. But before Spencer shows Caleb the A-texts, she gets nervous and deletes the one about Toby putting a ring on it.

Caleb’s on it. He’s got pixelbits of giggleberts out in cyberspace that can spoof an IPA craft beer and blue snarf an encrypted connection, Spencer tells Emily. Hopefully they can narrow the location down to the Radley and zoom in on Sara as their main suspect. She hangs up as she approaches Yvonne and Toby being all in love and shit, Yvonne noticeably not wearing a ring. When Yvonne bounces away to sweet talk her way out of parking ticket, Toby and Spencer have a non-conversation where they just say engagement ring-related phrases to each other.

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So... what.

Spencer changes into a crop top for unknown reasons, and goes to visit Toby as he’s packing for a camping trip. She accuses him of “pulling a Toby” and he basically tells her his life was easier when she wasn’t around. Ouch, baby. Ouch.

What’s Inside The Barrel: The Sequel
Caleb managed to find alt-A’s firewall, but tells Spencer as they drive to the location that it was suspiciously easy to break down, like maybe they were meant to find it. They promise that if it’s a set-up, they’ll go in there and kick ass as a couple. Speaking of our relationship status, Caleb says, why’d you delete the text about Toby? What? She thought he wouldn’t find it? C’mon girl, he’s a “professional hacker.” Spencer admits that Spaleb was new and easy and she didn’t want to complicate things. More sexy handholding ensues.

The trace leads them to a storage unit containing a single trashcan. Inside, alt-A has stuffed black gloves, a hoodie and a cell phone that beeps with a text.

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Babe, you haven't figured that out yet?

Town Hall Summit: Be the Change You Want to See in Rosewood
Spencer and Yvonne lead a delightful albeit PSA-y town hall meeting about young voters as Aria, Emily and Caleb watch from the bar. Except they aren’t watching, because Aria is on the phone with Hanna, letting her know when it’s safe for her to sneak into her mom’s office so she can figure out which of their suspects is currently booked at the Radley. But neither Ezra nor Byron are on that list, and Sara has had the “Do Not Disturb” sign hung on her door all week. “I’ll take Building a Lair for $300, Alex,” Hanna pans. No one has the heart to tell her ‘Alex’ went to GWB Purgatory after season one.

When Spencer joins them, they realize that the golf club pic that alt-A sent them had a very specific backdrop: The carpet that Ashley had custom-made for the Radley. As this thought occurs to them, the creepy Maytag mailman appears, this time in a bellhop outfit, and leaves the hotel to get into a black town car.

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And it’s….IT’S……IT’S…..WHO IS IT.

Damn. Credits.

NEXT WEEK

The return of our Holy Mona ::praise hands emoji:: but also dead-eyed Shower Harvey ::sad face emoji::. Plus a little Team Sparia action. And selfie sticks! God, it's all SO FREEFORM.

Previously: The Shadowhunters rescued SImon from the vampires (one of whom helped them out), but not without adverse effects for Simon; and a rift grows between Jace and Alec over Clary's trustworthiness due to being Valentine's daughter.

Apologies for the late post -- let's get to it! 

(For the curious: new episodes aren't available on Netflix Canada (and international) until the day after they air on Freeform, so I watch them in the morning before work and put the recap together throughout the day. Today, however, was rather busy for my day job! And obvs, that has priority, since it actually pays les bills... )

What Happened: 

Despite them having just risked their lives to save him, Simon still doesn't trust Jace and Co. (but mainly Jace, duh), believing that everything bad only started after Clary met Jace. Simon heads home, where he's greeted by BLOOD LUST and BLOOD LUST HALLUCINATIONS of Vampire HBIC Camille. He also receives a visit from Bandmate Maureen, who confesses her unrequited crush on him -- but not without accidentally breaking a framed photo of Clary and Simon (natch) and cutting herself, inciting MOOOOAR BLOOD LUST for Simon that eventually leads him back to Hotel DuMort and the waiting arms of Camille.

Since the City of Bones trip was unsuccessful in recovering any lost memories about the Mortal Cup, Clary wants to go directly to the one who hid them in the first place: the high warlock of Brooklyn, Magnus Mothercussin' Bane! But to lure hedonistic Magnus out of hiding in such a risky time with Valentine after him, our Shadowhunters arrange a meet at a Downworlder rave with the promise of returning a demon-detecting necklace that Magnus once gave to his former lover, Camille, which had somehow also belonged to the Lightwood family for years. (Small (Shadow) world!)

Speaking of LOVAHHHHS (ick): Magnus meets Alec! And the rest of the Shadowhunters officially, but MALEC HAS ARRIVED. As per tradition, this show is not at all subtle about this coupling, but it bugs me far less than it has previously; partly because Magnus is so not one to be shy and bashful anyway, and partly because...

After a bit of convincing, Magnus helps the Shadowhunters retrieve Clary's lost memories from the Valak demon that he had fed them to for safekeeping. But the summoning ceremony requires each of the participants to relinquish a "beloved memory of the one they love the most": Alec for Izzy, Jocelyn for Clary, and... Jace for Alec! (THANK GOODNESS this should put an end to Izzy's hinting about Alec being repressed.) Which causes Alec to flip shizz, breaking the spell before it's completed. To prevent the demon from getting loose, Clary kills it -- and the possibility of recovering those memories (... meaning that she, Izzy, and Alec gave up precious memories for nothing).

Back at the safety of the Institute, Clary's purple jewel necklace (not to be confused with Magnus' red jewel necklace; so many necklaces) gives her a vision of comatose Jocelyn with Valentine, who totally knows Clary can see him and demands the Mortal Cup from her!

Shadowwinner of the Week:

Magnus, OBVIOUSLY. Please continue to regale us with ratings of Renaissance painters' bedroom prowess. (Although being boink buddies with Michelangelo would put Magnus' age at least two centuries older than the Shadowhunters' estimate of 300ish years.) WELCOME BACK TO OUR SCREENS AND STAY THERE FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.

Honourable mention to Maureen, for womaning up and pouring her heart out to Simon. Even though things didn't work out in her favour, that still took major guts.

Shadowloser of the Week:

Simon, for being too stubborn for his own good. He leaves the safety of trained demon fighter headquarters to... protect his family? HOW exactly? I know his animosity towards Jace is clouding his judgement, but dude -- you're supposed to be the smart one!

Say What?:

"You don't get to talk to me, Captain America." - Simon to Jace, committing a CRIMINAL INSULT against My Husband Chris Evans with that comparison.

"OK -- COME AT ME, BRO!" - Simon to Jace, LOLOLOL SERIOUSLY? Does anyone use this phrase non-facetiously anymore?

"[Magnus] looks like the Downworld's David Guettta." "Guetta's already a Downworlder." - Clary and Izzy, crediting David Guetta with far too much sartorial awareness to put him in the same league as Magnus. (I'd have gone with the Downworld's Adam Lambert instead. And I know the youths know who he is, maybe, since he was on that Halloween train ep of Pretty Little Liars.)

"Jerky?" "It's not even 9." "It's never too early for teriyaki." - Luke and apparently Alaric, as IMDb had to tell me, in their literal only scene in the episode that contributes absolutely nothing except to remind us that they exist.

"You're so lucky to have such a flat chest." - Izzy, with a backhanded compliment for Clary. 

"Magnus, wait! You're my only hope!" - Clary, doing her best Princess Leia impression.

"This whole parabatai thing seems oddly intimate." - Clary, with the TRUFAX.

Better chemistry: Jace/Clary or Jace/Alec?

"Is he going to be OK?" "I don't know. Does he normally just lay like that without moving?" - Magnus, with the bedside manner of House.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Alec." "I don't know what you're talking about." "You will." - MALEC MALEC MALEC.

Swimfan Says...:

Here's Shadowhunter Chronicles expert, Meredith (@legallyblonde), with her take!

•  The episode wasn't very similar to the books in the overall plot, but it got a lot of the little things right. There was dialogue straight from the book ("I was alive when the Dead Sea was just a lake that was feeling a little poorly," for one), the mention of Tessa and the Spiral Labyrinth was a pleasant surprise, and the history of the ruby necklace was more than I'd actually expected from the show.  Jace's reaction to seeing a dressed-up Clary, and the ensuing awkward scene, was also similar-but-not-similar in the way of the rest of the episode.

•  We finally meet Magnus, and he meets Alec, and it was fantastic.  TV!Magnus is already stronger than movie!Magnus, and him throwing not-so-subtle flirty hints and looks at Alec made me laugh.  I'm looking forward to more of their interactions already.

Burning Questions:

•  For book fans: whom do y'all think Jace and Magnus' beloved memory would have been of? Would Jace's have been of Jace? (I KID, I KID. Maybe.)

•  I've never been to a rave, buuuuut that was a pretty lame rave, right? That barely looked any different than a night at PanDEMONium.

•  Are the Shadowhunters terribly unlucky, or just plain terrible at schemes at their jobs? Because the memory demon mishap is the second plan in four episodes to fail.

•  I'm digging the offbeat friendship forming between Clary and Izzy, but can they get a one-on-one scene without any mention of clothes or boys?

•  Based on what we've seen from Jace and Hot Hodge, do all the Institute guys train shirtless? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Related: sooooo, when does Alec get a training scene?

Next episode: "Moo Shu to Go"

Title: To Be Takei
Year: 2014
Fix: Documentary of an Extraordinary Man

Netflix Summary:

This documentary profiles the career of actor George Takei, who played Lieutenant Sulu on "Star Trek" and later became a gay-rights advocate.

FYA Summary:

To the surprise of no one that's familiar with him (except maybe one person; more on that later), George Takei is a prety awesome dude who has lived A LOT of life so far: his childhood spent within a Japanese American internment camp; his early attempts of breaking through in Hollywood; his iconic role as Lt. Hikaru Sulu; his home life with his husband, Brad; his social media savviness; his contributions to U.S.-Japanese relations; and his advocacy of LGBTQ rights.

Basically, this documentary is here to tell (or remind) you why George Takei is the cool, smart New Fake Uncle that you wished you had.

Familiar Faces:

George Takei as himself

Brad Takei as himself

Howard Stern as himself

William Shatner as himself

Nichelle Nichols as herself

Leonard Nimoy as himself

John Cho as himself

B.D. Wong as himself

Wil Wheaton as himself

Lea Salonga as herself

Couch-Sharing Capability: Medium

Documentaries might not be everybody's cup of tea, but I have a difficult time imagining why George Takei isn't everybody's cup of tea.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: Low(ish)

Alcohol isn't required to enjoy this, nor would the documentary be too difficult to follow with it. However, as a gay Japanese American who was born in the first half of the 20th century, George has def. experienced way more hardship and discrimination than most people have to endure.

Use of Your Netflix Subscription: Good

This documentary isn't particularly revelatory to anyone familiar with George Takei's life and career, but it's still nice to hear it all in his own thoughtful, humourous words -- esp. with regards to his strange, contentious relationship with William Shatner. (Although, if the interviews with the other Star Trek alumni are to be believed, William Shatner might just have strange, contentious relationships with everybody.)

If you like Southern Gothic fiction, New Orleans, and vampires, let me direct you to my review of The Casquette Girls by Alys Arden! It's a fun, spooky journey into a post-hurricane New Orleans, peppered with vampires, magic, and awesome fashion.

Alys stopped by to chat with us, and give away a signed copy of her book (details on the giveaway are at the end of the post).

THE ACTUAL BOOK-RELATED QUESTIONS

You were self-published before The Casquette Girls was picked up! Tell us a little about how that came about. Was there anything about the process you didn’t expect?

I started writing The Casquette Girls as part of a new year’s resolution to find a new creative outlet. At the time, I was traveling a lot for work, so it was hard for me to have any hobbies. I needed something that could fit into a suitcase, and writing was something my friends had always encouraged me to do, so I finally gave it a whirl! I ended up joining an online writing community called Wattpad, because I felt like I need some kind of accountability to keep me going with my heavy work schedule. And that’s how The Casquette Girls was born. I wrote the entire first draft online, posting chapters to Wattpad in real-time each week. From there it kind of went viral. Then I published it myself for fans, and then it just kept going and was picked up. I think the most unexpected part of the process was that so many people read the first draft online. It had over 1.2MM reads by the time I published. It’s still hard to process that.

A lot of people have rightly pointed out that The Casquette Girls is a love letter to New Orleans—in my opinion, it’s not just about the aesthetic and historical aspects, but also its resilience as a community. Have you seen that play out in real life?

Absolutely. New Orleans is imagination run amok, and people either love it or hate it. It’s the kind of place that exposes your insides and makes you feel, more perhaps, than you want to feel. All of that emotion can be addictive. It can be welcoming. It can be drowning. It can be mystical. It can be suffocating. It makes everyone want a piece of it; it gives you something to hang onto and resilience blooms: against corrupt politicians, and high crime, and failed systems and Mother Nature. You have to really love it to not see greener pastures in the distance. People love New Orleans and New Orleans love people. New Orleans is magic. New Orleanians are magic. They are the greatest source of inspiration for The Casquette Girls.

What does your ideal day (or night) in New Orleans look like?

My ideal day is VERY structured—I value productivity over most else—I’m writing and re-writing goals every day and planning things out hour by hour. It doesn’t mean I won’t veer, but I have a ton of stuff to get done, and the more I plan, the more likely I am to chip away at my to-do list, which I get way too much joy from. The routine doesn’t change whether I’m in New York or New Orleans, both of which, more than anywhere else, I like to wake up super early in—especially in NOLA because I love being awake before anyone else is in the French Quarter. It makes me feel like I own the streets. Then it’s a café hop to have changes of scenery while I work on various projects, a rotation of caffeinated beverages, and complete focus for every second. We said ideal day, right?

Vampires: if they’re real, do you think they’d still be pursuing relationships with humans, or would they be over it after several hundred years? Would you?

Good question! And something I think about a lot, no lie. [If] vampires are real I think they’d go through phases loving and hating humans. “Oh, they’re so endearing,” “Oh, they’re so naïve,” “Oh, they’re so dreadful,” “Oh, they’re so loveable. I hate to love them and love to hate them.” After all humans, are all so different (or are we?)

Then again, maybe they’d love us and never get sick of us, like cute little pets! I’m mean, do we ever get sick of puppies? *wink*

You, human. I shall call you Spot.

THE YA QUESTIONS

If your real life adolescence was a YA book ... What would you, the main character, be like?

Observant. Reflective. Unabashed. I’m not sure much has changed in adulthood, for better or for worse.

Who is your secret crush?

River Phoenix

What is your number one source of angst?

My parents.

At what point would the reader pump his/her fist in victory?

Hmm. Maybe when I was 16 and graduated high school and went to college. I didn’t hate high school or anything, but I was totally over all that noise.

And who would play you in the film adaptation?

Chloë Sevigny (Let’s assume this was filmed during the time I was actually an adolescent.)

The actual Alys!

THE SLUMBER PARTY QUESTIONS

What is your secret power?

Falling asleep in less than five minutes and then only needing about 5.5 hours of sleep. I didn’t know this was weird until my friends we constantly amazed by it.

What is your #1 favorite food?

Pomegranates

Tell me about your area of expertise.

I know A LOT about turning hair purple. A LOT.

If you could assemble your own Ocean's 11 of fictional characters, who would you pick?

Hermione Granger, Elizabeth Bennet, Ponyboy Curtis, Tobias Eaton, Lestat, Tate Langdon, Coraline Jones, Ziggy Stardust, Jo March, the Hulk, and Buffy.

What is your best karaoke song?

Something Fleetwood Mac . . . or The Cranberries. Yeah, Zombie by The Cranberries, for sure.

Tell me something scandalous!

The protagonist in my current work-in-progress has mint hair, and I’m really thinking about making the switch. This is scandalous no where but my salon. This is also a good indicator of how scandaless my life actually is.

What is your favorite adult beverage?

Horchata (extra cinnamon, with or without booze)

What book have you read the most number of times?

A Confederacy of Dunces

YA authors are so cool. Who would you give a BFF charm to?

Nikki Kelly! author of The Styclar Series

Out of all of the characters you’ve written, which one do you most wish you could be?

Probably Adeline Saint-Germain, so I could haunt 18th century Paris.

If you were invited to the FYA slumber party (and obvs, you ARE), what is the most crucial snack food and/or movie/or anything you'd bring?

The ouija board!

And now: MASH! We shall predict Alys' future with absolute accuracy. Alys has made three selections, we have chosen a fourth, and the magic number today is 3.

Spouse

Thor
Ponyboy
The Goblin King
Lestat

Honeymoon

Narnia
Outer space (destination TBD)
Oz
Hogwarts

Number of Children
-1 (I have no problem giving a away an egg or two to a friend in need.)
0
1
1 million

Job

Writer
Astronaut
Librarian
Sexy vampire wrangler

Income

The Shipwrecked treasure from The Goonies
Aladdin’s lamp (w/Genie) 
Lifetime supply of Butterbeer
Lifetime supply of slightly indignant unicorns

Hometown

Paris
Reykjavík
Florence
New Orleans

Pet

Cheshire Cat
Starlite
Rizzo the Rat
Crookshanks

Car

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Dean’s Impala
The Pig
1914 Rolls Royce

Well, this isn't a bad life: paid in treasure, working in space, honeymooning at Hogwarts with Lestat (tee hee), living in Florence with a cranky cat and an even crankier classic car? You've got it made! Thanks for joining us, Alys!

GIVEAWAY: Alys is giving away a signed copy of The Casquette Girls! To enter, leave a comment below with your favorite vampire and in which city you'd want to rendezvous with them. One winner will be randomly selected. Giveaway ends Feburary 18 at midnight Pacific time. US only (sorry, international readers!)

BOOK REPORT for Cut Both Ways by Carrie Mesrobian

Cover Story: You Made It, Now Lie In It
Drinking Buddy: Cry Me a River
Testosterone Level: High, But That's Not a Good Thing
Talky Talk: B for Butthead
Bonus Factors: LGBTQ, Hoarding
Bromance Status: I Support LGBTQ People, Just Not You Specifically

Cover Story: You Made It, Now Lie In It

It's not a bad cover, but it's not an interesting cover. And doesn't have a lot to do with the book, I'm afraid.

The Deal:

Seventeen-year-old Will has had a rough life. His mom cheated on his father and is now living in a McMansion with her new husband and Will's twin half-sisters. His dad is constantly renovating his house. Except he's more interested in buying materials on Craigslist, then going off on a bender. He's torn the place down to the studs, but shows little interest in fixing it up again.

Things change when will meets Brandy, a cute, funny, fifteen-year-old girl with an equally crappy home life. Soon, they're dating and doing the things that young people do when they're alone. Life is pretty great.

But then there's Angus, Will's openly gay best friend. And one night, after a little too much wine, the boys kiss. Hey, just a little experimenting, just a chance to see how the other half lives. Except Will keeps going back. And soon he and Angus are doing more than kissing. Doing a lot more.

What does this mean for Will? Where do his attractions lie?

Drinking Buddy: Cry Me a River

Unfortunately, the only characters I liked in this book were Will's smartass preteen sisters. His parents were self-absorbed. Brandy was sweet, but kind of a mess, with constant 'Just tell me if you're breaking up with me' drama when he doesn't call for a couple of days. Angus was one-dimensional, vanishing for chapters at a time, then showing up for hot sexy play with Will. And Will...oh, Will. Human beings do not exist for your pure sexual enjoyment (see below).

Testosterone Level: High, But That's Not a Good Thing

A lot of sex in this book. And that might be considered a good thing, except Will just kind of treats Brandy and Angus as his own personal pleasure dolls.

Talky Talk: B for Butthead

Will had the potential to be an interesting character, with the odd family situation, that teenage malaise, and coming to grips with his sexuality. Unfortunately, realizing that he may be bisexual results in him having sex with twice as many people and not much else. He constantly sleeps with Brandy (and even convinces her to go condomless once), all the while seeing Angus on the side.

Brandy is unaware of this. To her, Will is Prince Charming, who'd never abandon her the way her parents did. Angus is all too aware, painfully waiting for his best friend to become his boyfriend.

I could maybe understand this if Will was just experimenting, or if he was gay and too ashamed to tell the world. But he's very attracted to Brandy and very attracted to Angus (and strangely, no other guy). So Will just kind of accepts sexual favors from both of them.

I did not like Will.

Bonus Factor: LGBTQ

The word 'bisexual' never appears in this book, and Angus is the only boy Will has eyes and other body parts for. But the attraction is very real, and something not a lot of LGBTQ books discuss.

Bonus Factor: Hoarding

Will's father drinks a bit too much (which contributed to the breakdown of his marriage). He lives alone, constantly working on his house. But it's mostly tearing down, not building up. Winter is coming, and the furnace is still not hooked up. To make matters worse, Will's dad is constantly buying crap on ebay and Craigslist, filling the house up with used construction material and other stuff. Will is stuck sleeping in the attic. Is this a result of the booze? Of being alone too long? Or is this a sign of something more serious?

Bromance Status: I Support LGBTQ People, Just Not You Specifically

It must be difficult to come to terms with one's own sexuality, but this book made it seem like an excuse to treat people like human toys.

Full Disclosure: I received neither money nor beer for this review. Cut Both Ways is out now.

Huh. Well. This sure was…an hour of television. Maybe not an hour of NEW television, or complete television, but it was an hour, and it was television!

I really do love this show. I wish I didn't keep having to repeat that to myself each week. OH WELL. Let's talk Amplification.

AWARDS

THIS WEEK'S WOLF PACK PUPPY

Freed, apparently, from her revenge-matricide tunnel vision, Malia was able to drop back into her charmingly brusque efforts to mimic human empathy/friendship as she uncomfortably filled Lydia's role as pack pup mentor in helping Kira practice/hone her lightning fox abilities.

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It makes absolutely no sense that Malia would be willing to drop her fevered hunt for her killer mom NOW, after learning that the woman is literally on her doorstep, chomping at the werecoyote-bit to rip Malia's heart out, but hey! I'll take a funny, wild Malia in the middle of pack shenanigans anytime, logical or not.

BEST REACTION TO SOMETHING SUPERNATURALLY RIDICULOUS

Watching Lydia's mom dig her heels into willful ignorance as the *only* effective strategy in surviving Beacon Hills was sad and great and so very welcome, after all these seasons joking/wondering how anyone in that town could NOT know about the supernatural.

Of course the general populace would develop killer (rimshot) skills in tuning out (Dread Doctor rimshot) anything that could possibly challenge their understanding of reality so fully that they'd have to either move out of town and know for the rest of their lives exactly WHY they were forced to do so while being completely unable to share the knowledge with anyone else, or they'd have to stay and face the likelihood that any moment, on any corner could be their grisly last. Talk about a Catch-22! 

WEEKLY REMINDER THAT BEACON HILLS IS ON A HELLMOUTH

Eichen House has the only other up-to-code morgue in the county. Really, just the fact that Eichen House has its own morgue. BURN IT DOWN.

REIGNING PRESIDENT OF THE SCOTT MCCALL FAN CLUB

Hey, Melissa!!!

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BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT

The primacy of a high school education.

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Runner-up: Atomically synchronized (I assume) AT&T plans.

PREVIOUSLY ON TEEN WOLF

The Dread Doctors created a billion failed teen chimeras, one of which was our current underage Teen Wolf psychopath, Theo Raeken. Only he was the worst of their failures, because instead of dying like a good kidnapped genetic chimera kid, he survived enough to a) enter into cahoots with the Doctors on their bid to make a chimeric resurrection of the ancient Bête de Gevaudan, and b) viciously resent the fact that he is not a real werewolf/not an alpha/not the most powerful creature in existence. Cool job, guys! Because now Theo has c) gone rogue to build his own pack of zombie chimeras to "defend himself" against the Beast, but d) actually started putting the pieces in motion for some other secret but certainly nefarious plan. Why certainly nefarious? Well, constant, cold-hearted murder, mostly, but also he went into cahoots with not one but TWO other supervillains—Malia's killer mom, the Desert Wolf, and Scott's old Alpha Pack Alpha nemesis, Deucalion!

As for Scott's pack, he's slowly been winning them back one by one after letting them scatter due to Theo's machinations in 5A. He's made up with Stiles, and rescued Kira from the skinwalkers her mom tried to sacrifice her to (don't fight me on that), and half forgiven Liam for all but killing him, and helped Parrish accept who he is as a Hellhound, and called Argent back from France, and welcomed Deaton back from an even longer unmarked absence than normal (due to kidnapping). He even has Malia back, somehow, even though she never settled the murderous score that had made her cut ties from Scott and his hero hair in the first place. He's got everyone, in fact, but Lydia (and Isaac, but who except every person who has ever loved Teen Wolf is counting?). Only problem? Lydia is in Eichen House, aka a maximum security supernatural prison, with a hole drilled in her skull…

THIS WEEK

Let's just race through this, because tbh, very little happened, and definitely nothing was resolved.

One!

After getting the grim details/Polaroids about "Dr." Valack's trepanning experiments from Deaton and his remarkably productive kidnapping, Scott and Stiles gathered the newly reformed pack (minus the adults) to explain how they absolutely must must must rescue Lydia from Eichen House tonight, before she gets a hole drilled in her head that will amplify her Banshee powers/suffering and kill her and everyone in her general vicinity. Their plan is very illegal! But that is cool, because they have the sheriff and also his head deputy/Hellhound* on their side. 

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*who fought the Beast in the hospital and lived, while the Beast walked away on bloody paws that somehow defied natural laws to morph back into tennis shoes

Two!

Despite significant reservations, Kira heads off to the high school chem lab for some reason to practice using her lightning fox skills expertly enough that she can cause a a whole gird brownout. As her motivation coach, she brings Malia. It goes exactly as well as both girls/we expect ("So you've never worked for anything," Malia deadpans after Kira admits that both the lightning and the sword skills just came to her), and results in nothing more than a hundred exploded old-school lightbulbs (which the girls know about) and one eavesdropping invisible zombie chimera (which they do not). Still, Scott is very, very sure Kira will be able to perform when the time comes, mostly because she has to. You know what they say—necessity is the mother of supernatural prison break success!

Three!

The pack parents hold up their end of the plan by (Melissa) securing a pile of body bags for Scott, Stiles, and Liam to use to sneak past Eichen House Security and (Stilinski) making one last stab at getting Lydia's mom to change her mind and sign Lydia out voluntarily (she vehemently refuses, and is left with a folder full of Deaton's gruesome dead trepanned supernaturals as a result). Stilinski also hands over keys to a sheriff's van for Parrish to use to drive the boys+one real corpse through the front gates.

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Very good gifset behind that link, pls chk it out

Four!

Malia and Kira get into Eichen House by folding themselves into a crowd of evening visitors, then hiding behind a corner until Malia's "guy inside" comes streaking across the lobby, effectively distracting the lascivious orderly long enough for the two girls to slip back into the electrical room. There, Malia claws the rubber off the two cables Kira will need to use to trigger the brownout, then (after a very unconvincing "I believe you can do it") gives Kira her most effective pep talk yet: don't worry about what YOU can or can't do, fox girl! This is about Lydia. It is NOT ABOUT YOU.

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Huh. Maybe that is why Malia gave up her Desert Wolf hunt for the day!

Five!

Scott, Stiles, and Liam get down to the hall leading to the mountain-ash reinforced "Closed Wing," where, after Kira's blackout system reset, they are planning to use the key card Stiles stole the day before to get him past the gate, leaving werewolves Scott and Liam behind while he goes and finds Lydia. Only, the card reader was apparently removed after the Dread Doctors' last attack on the place, so Scott and Liam have to wolf up—and Scott has to punch Liam in the face repeatedly until he gets extra mad and extra strong enough—to break the metal gate down. 

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Uno! (This is not part of the plan)

Hayden is on Deucalion-babysitting duty, evidently, and Theo can't be such a genius if he thought it was a good plan to leave one teenager alone with the original smooth talker. Despite being weakened from whatever blood transfusion Theo's got him hooked up with, and despite being blind, Deucalion has enough of his wits about him to know both that the set of chimera claws Theo traded Malia's mom for is sitting on the lab's counter, and that Theo is planning to use them to put on his own fingers in order to try and steal the Beast's power for himself. And you had better believe that Deucalion uses that knowledge—or at least, the fact that as genetically engineered organs, basically, they are almost certain to reject their host (Theo) and kill him if he uses them—to get under Hayden's skin. Nevermind the fact that if this is Theo's ultimate plan, his zombie chimeras are definitely no more than collateral defense for him to get close enough to the Beast in the first place!

Six!

Theo's pack shows up, just like Theo promised/threatened Scott that they would! They don't bother sneaking by anyone—they just kanima swipe and electrify their way through every guard they meet, leaving enough bodies in their wake that Lydia's mom can't NOT accept that something is very, very wrong when she shows up sortly thereafter to try to sign Lydia out on her own. Their attack triggers the full site lockdown that Kira's brownout was intended to avoid, and Natalie just barely misses being sliced in two by the slamming metal panels across each window and door. Scott and Liam, unfortunately, do not miss the fistful of burly guards and their electrified batons that corner them against the mountain ash barrier that, try as they might, the two weren't able to cross after Stiles and Lydia missed their deadline. Wham! Bam! Both boys are down and beaten, until the sight of his beta's head ricocheting off the floor sends Scott into such a fit of True Alpha rage that calls to the glowing eyes of all his packs as he explodes up and knocks all the guards out.

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Seven!

Liam reaches Lydia too late—her head is already drilled, and she can do nothing but mumble about the fact that if he doesn't leave now, he'll die. He manages to get away and hide just in time to miss Valack's return, at which point he overhears first the conversation Lydia had with the Doctor earlier in 5A(5B? idk) about "SOMEONE is coming," and second the conversation they all had with Theo's pack in the flashforward several episodes ago. 

And…that's it. To be continued. No rescue in sight, everyone trapped in a supernatural hellhole. YAY.

This is very ambitious story structuring! Was it a heist? No. Was Malia very funny? Yes. Was Scott's love for his friends so moving? Very much yes. Still, I am not sure it works. But it is ambitious. Guess we'll see how it goes next week!

NEXT TIME

Okay, NOW the pack is going to break Lydia out of Eichen House. Or rather, she's going to break her own damn self out, because Lydia? Bad Boss Banshee. 

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