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Hey guys! Sorry about last week's radio silence! I wrote out a loooooooong Revenge recap - there were personal antecdotes! humorous sidebars! - and then our server engine ATE IT. And I'd spent like two hours on it!! So then I just said some curse words and took a nap. Stupid server engine.
So here's what happened last week, best as I can recall:
- TRET! woke up! And the baby is okay! Well, he's okay, except that he's got this weird disease where he is a newborn and yet somehow he looks like a three month old? And also that he's in NICU but he's just, like, hanging out there, not attached to anything, just chilling in his little plastic bassinet like every other baby at the hospital. It's a weird disease. I think I'll call it thisepisodewaswrittenbyapersonwithoutkids-itis. Also the baby's name is Carl, so, that's unfortunate. Sorry to anyone out there planning to name their baby Carl! You should . . . not do that.
- Conrad and Victoria decided to get married again! Well, I'm not quite sure if the divorce was ever final, so it may just be a vow renewal. These things are different, you know. In one, you get a bigger ring, because it means one of you cheated on the other one.
- Mason Treadwell is back!! OH MASON! He has figured out that TRET! is not TRAC! because she's missing some burn scars on her back from a juvie fire. Ruh roh.
- The dude that Declan robbed who wants to buy the Stowaway offers to . . . buy the Stowaway. And then offers to be partners with Jack. And then does. What is this plotline? I so don't care.
- Nolan totes gives Padma a taste of his patented Nolcorp lovemaking skills, if you know what I mean. And you should. That wasn't exactly a metaphor. But then, just as they're brunching on the beach post-coitus (UGH NOLAN WHY AREN'T YOU MIIIIINE???), TRAC! calls him to tell him that Padma's been digging into David Clarke's past at Grayson Global.
- Aiden (Mysterious British Dude) is casing Grayson Global under the guise of aiding Sensei in his investment, and no one cares, and no one ever will.
- TRAC!'s mom, Krazy Kara, comes back to town and ends up moving back into Grayson Manor, because what? And then TRAC!, via TRET!, forgives her for trying to kill her!
- Declan and Charlotte see each other at the hospital and have a moment, y'all. Looks were exchanged.
OKAY. Man, that didn't take two hours at all. I should just do that all the time.
THIS TIME, on Revenge . . .
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Oh my god, you're getting married??
Yes, it looks like Conrad and Victoria will be going through with it, as preparations for their nothing-fancy-just-a-hundred-or-so-guests-at-the-local-giant-country-club affair continue at warp speed. Man, rich people. Vickie goes for a statuesque smoke grey Vera Wang number, because BRIDES MUST WEAR VERA, and Conrad can't find his cufflinks! Their wedding invitations are a lot like the ones for TRAC! and Daniel's - the whole book thing? What is that about? Is that a trend now? I read a lot of wedding blogs and I have not seen a lot of book invitations. I mean, the tri-fold A7 envelope liners in coordinating colors that hold your invitation, your response card, your menu, your map and your list of fun activities, sure. But not a book.
Anyone who's anyone is going to the wedding. People not considered as anyone: Jack and Declan, who are grand-reopening the Stowaway, TRET! and Baby Carl, who are, well, you know, trashy, Krazy Kara, and, surprisingly, Charlotte, who doesn't really want to watch her parents go through this public charade. She decides her time will be better spent wiping down ketchup bottles at the Stowaway.
So, like, isn't your life sooo Jane Eyre right now?
ISN'T IT? Krazy Kara just wanders around Grayson Manor, slurring her words worse than I do these days (hint: that's a lot), fumbling for light switches and generally acting a fool. HOW MANY PILLS IS JENNIFER JASON LEIGH ON? REDUCE BY HALF, GIRLFRIEND. Reduce by half. I am worried about you. She's sending Madeliene Stowe's botox into an actual quiver. Anyway, she finds Victoria's picture of David in prison and sort of moons over it by, no lie, petting it clumsily with all of her fingers. Is she having a stroke? And then she may or may not be trying to kill Victoria. It's unclear to me. I think it may also be unclear to Kara herself.
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Hey Nolan, how's your giiirlfriend?
She's just fine, thank you, and I'm going to take her to the wedding that I was only invited to because Daniel and Ashley are mean bullies who think that they can pump me for info by being nice to me, and she's going to wear some FANTASTIC eye makeup and I'm going to yell at her a little bit while waiting on the valet because I'm KIND OF FRUSTRATED ABOUT THE DAVID CLARKE THING and now I don't know whether she likes me for ME or if she is just using me, I don't know, maybe I should just hang out with you for a while, Erin, and clear my head.
(P.S. Padma won best dressed. Her blue dress was flattering and delightful!)
Oh, hey, it's the grand reopening of the Stowawazzzzzzzzz.....
Oh. Hey. It's the grand reopening of the Stowaway. I feel like there was a time at some point in which I really used to care about what happened here. I feel like that time was before TRET! lived here. Anyway, that guy who has the supervillain name that Declan stole from is now Jack's partner, and he's already bringing his shady business deals to the table. I mean, basically he is a mobster, and Jack and Declan are too fucking stupid to figure it out. Even their liquor distributor is ashamed of them.
But that doesn't stop Jack from proposing to TRET! on the Amanda. She accepts. Congratulations, how wonderful.
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What about Mason Treadwell?
TRAC! soon throws Mason off TRET!'s lack of burn scars by throwing him onto an even bigger trail - she totally frames Conrad for White Haired Man's murder. Bad little girl. She has TRET! drop a hint about a blocked phone number or something and Mason investigates and blah blah blah some time later winds up at an airstream, finds WHM's dead body and Conrad's missing cufflink. Then Mason calls the cops and they execute a search warrant, where they then find a bunch of other evidence that TRAC! has planted. So Conrad's arrested at his own wedding!!
BUT. Victoria does say something to Mason to spark his interest - that TRAC! has a juvie record - and now he has her on his board of people and strings!
And now we've started watching Alias?
I WISH. What I wouldn't give for some bad wigs and Michael Vartan speaking French right about now. I don't know who or what this stupid Initiative is, but they're apparently the people who brought down the plane, using Grayson Global's money (which Conrad then framed David Clarke for), and they scare Conrad a lot. And now they're scaring him more. And I'm supposed to care, but I really, really, really don't.
Anything else?
Declan and Charlotte totally do it! Maybe THEY'LL have a baby! That would be hilarious!