Welcome to week forty-four of the rewatch project, superfans! Have you ever thought, “Gee, I love this show, but its 70s references are kind of dated. What it needs is an infusion of modern pop culture. What it needs is Paris Hilton”? Then I have good news!
Let’s drink.
THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME:
Take a drink every time:
• There’s a corpse
• A demon possesses/de-possesses and/or makes a deal with some hapless schmuck
• A far-off disaster is mentioned but not shown for budgetary reasons
• Dean crams his face full of junk food
• An angel is snotty
• Anyone is tied up
• Either brother picks a lock
• Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias
• The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty
5x5: Fallen Idols
Monster of the Week: Leshii
Two car enthusiasts revel over one’s latest purchase: James Dean’s Porsche, “The Little Bastard.” As one runs to get a video camera, the other’s breath starts frosting over. There’s a screeching sound and when the cameraman returns, his friend is buried face-first into the windshield.
Yay! I’ve missed the artful blood splatter.
Sam and Dean head to Canton, OH—my very own hometown, darlings—and talk to the inept local PD who have booked the cameraman for his friend’s murder. The cameraman tells the boys that James Dean’s car is cursed—“Death follows that car around like exhaust.” But a little research soon proves the car to be a fake.
Meanwhile, we watch as a history professor is murdered by a scowling, growling Abraham Lincoln. The local PD chalks this up to the work of NSA assassin, but when the boys interview the victim’s maid, she claims it was the handiwork of Honest Abe himself. So superstars are killing their superfans. But why?
Sam soon discovers the thing James Dean and the former president had in common—they are both sexy as hell. Also, they are figures at the local wax museum, a place that claims fame on the basis of their sculptures being dressed with the real life possessions of famous individuals. Like Lincoln’s stovepipe hat.
“Four score and seven years ago, I wore a funny hat.”
The boys are all set to torch Lincoln and Dean’s possessions when out of nowhere, Gandhi attacks! This is not a metaphor.
Before Sam’s pint-sized hero can take him down, Dean burns Gandhi’s bifocals. He disappears. But Sam isn’t satisfied. He thinks there’s more to the case. Just then, the bumbling local PD calls to inform them there has been another attack. Three teen girls were set upon by Paris Hilton. Two of the girls reported the heiress looked “so skinny,” as she made off with their friend.
Since Paris Hilton is not dead (fact) or a homicidal maniac (probably true), the Winchesters figure their initial ghost theory was wrong. Sam does some digging (into a corpse’s body cavity), and discovers seeds from an extinct Balkan forest, which was guarded by a leshii (pagan god who could take many forms and would drain its worshippers of blood).
Sam and Dean arm up with an iron axe and break into the museum. While they try to free the kidnapped girl, Paris comes out of nowhere, attacking them both. When they wake, they’re both tied up. She sharpens a knife and berates them on the vacuity of celebrity culture, all while dropping several of Paris’s catchphrases.
So the writers basically made her profess her uselessness on national TV. That’s (not) hot.
Dean smirks that since he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Paris Hilton, she can’t eat him. She just shrugs and says she’ll transform herself into Papa Winchester, his real hero. Ooo, burn. Also? Yikes. Luckily, before she can change, the boys break free and Sam chops her head clean off.
“Don’t say it,” Dean warns, right as Sam gleefully shouts, “Dude, you just got wailed on by Paris Hilton!”
And I have just typed that name more than I would have ever believed.
Brotherly Angst Quotient: Sam’s a big boy!
Dean is still prickly with Sam over the whole “cause of the apocalypse thing.” He throws his weight around like he’s the boss of his little brother, and Sam finally breaks, saying that them teaming up isn’t going to work unless it starts being a two-way street. One of the reasons Sam went off in the first place was to get away from Dean and his infantilizing.
Later, Dean agrees that he was keeping too tight a leash on Sam. He apologizes and even offers to let Sam drive. I shed a single, womanly tear as they renew their commitment to ass kicking.
Paradise Lost of It All: Mercifully on hold for a moment.
How Drunk Are We?: Weaving down the sidewalk. Take seven drinks for strewn corpses, both brothers tied up, and two classic rock aliases.
The Quotable Winchesters: “Your ultimate hero was not only a short man in diapers, but he was also a fruitarian?” –Dean on Gandhi.
Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:
I’ll bet #sorrynotsorry
Notable Cameos:
Paris Hilton of, you know…like, tabloids? Anyway, she plays the leshii.
5x6: I Believe the Children Are Our Future
Monster of the Week: The Antichrist
A babysitter is found dead on the sofa, her head ripped open! When the boys roll into to town to investigate, the coroner tells them he discovered a press-on nail in the wound. Apparently, the girl scratched her own brains out in the world’s worst case of “phantom itch.” When they interview the babysitter’s charge, he acts squirrely and eventually breaks down and admits he put itching powder on her hairbrush. Another corpse turns up—a senior citizen who was electrocuted extra-crispy by a prank store Joy Buzzer.
Sam and Dean confiscate the joy buzzer and do some scientific experiments to a side of pork. It cooks it nice and tender and you better believe Dean spends the rest of the episode snacking on it.
Other oddities happen in the town. A little girl who thinks the Tooth Fairy sounds creepy, hides her tooth under her dad’s pillow. Her dad is awoken by this fellow.
Yes, he wrenches out daddy’s teeth with pliers, but he leaves 32 quarters under the pillow because he’s a professional, okay?
There are kids in the hospital with pop rocks/coke ulcers. Dean’s palm turns hairy after a little bunk time. And they found a man whose face froze that way. You know.
My mom was right!
They figure out that the connection between the incidents are childhood beliefs, and right at the incident epicenter lives a little boy named Jesse. They head to his house, find his parents not home and bluff their way into see him.
This is not something good guys do.
In pretty quick order, they discover his beliefs are powering the incidents in town. Sam does some digging and finds out he’s adopted. They head to see his bio-mom, who is a total shut in. After attacking them with salt, she realizes they aren’t demons and spills that she was a virgin possessed by a demon, who also somehow got her pregnant. She was able to get a drop on the demon during the birth and exorcised it by downing handfuls of salt. Somehow, she convinced herself not to kill the baby and gave it up for adoption instead.
When Cas learns there’s a half-human, half-demon walking around, he says it’s the Antichrist—one of the devil’s greatest weapons—and he’s got to die. His powers will be unimaginable and he could undo the host of heaven with a single word. The Winchesters are not down, of course, with Sam making the case that they should just tell the kid the truth about his role in the apocalypse and he’ll do the right thing. “You didn’t,” says Cas, a burn so wicked even I feel a little singed.
Meanwhile, a demon shows up on Jesse’s bio mom’s porch and possesses her, saying its time they went and got their boy.
Cas shows up on Jesse’s doorstep with a knife. Jesse turns him into an action figure. Dean and Sam rush in and try to talk the kid down saying he’s like a superhero and they’re agents of SHIELD or whatever and they’re going to take him somewhere safe for training. But when he’s about to agree, the demon-possessed mom shows. She hurts Sam and Dean and calls them liars and tells Jesse his whole world is basically built on lies, pissing him off enough that he starts destroying the house.
But Sam’s able to talk him down by telling him the whole truth, and that he believes that despite Jesse’s half-demon heritage, he’ll make the right choices. The kid begins by forcing the demon to leave his bio mom’s body. When he hears that his presence will put his adoptive parents in danger, he leaves town on his own, but not before putting everything back to rights.
Brotherly Angst Quotient: Blissful Ignorance
Dean and Sam feel kind of guilty about introducing a ten-year-old to the true horrors of the world and making him go on the run. They wish they could have kept him ignorant. Dean takes it a step further, saying he wishes their dad would have lied to them when they were kids.
Paradise Lost of It All: The Antichrist is on the loose and has wild card potential.
How Drunk Are We?: Slizzard. Take nine drinks for corpses, demon possessions, classic rock aliases and Dean’s enjoyment of the electrocuted ham.
The Quotable Winchesters: “That'll do, Pig!” –Dean, after electrocuting a ham with the supercharged Joy Buzzer.
Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:
Cas and Sam’s intense stand-off.
Notable Cameos:
Ever Carradine of Eureka and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back plays Jesse’s birth mom.
Next Week: The Trickster’s back in my all-time favorite episode.