Welcome back, superfans! We’ve made it to week fifty of the rewatch project and poor Dean has had just about enough of this apocalypse. He’s ready to become Michael’s vessel. Can Sam stop him? Will Sam stop him?
I mean, probably.
THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME:
Take a drink every time:
• There’s a corpse
• A demon possesses/de-possesses and/or makes a deal with some hapless schmuck
• A far-off disaster is mentioned but not shown for budgetary reasons
• Dean crams his face full of junk food
• An angel is snotty
• Anyone is tied up
• Either brother picks a lock
• Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias
• The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty
5x17: 99 Problems
Monster of the Week: The Whore of Babylon
Sam and Dean are wounded and on the run from a massive amount of demons! Their lives are saved by three men claiming to be part of the “Lutheran militia.” Basically, their entire town has learned to be hunters. One of the townswomen has been talking to angels, who told her of the apocalypse and how they can defend themselves against demons. She has the same migraine/seizure symptoms as Chuck. Dean says must be another prophet.
Does she look kind of evil or am I just having youth group flashbacks?
The prophet gets a message from the angels alerting her to a cluster of demons outside the town limits. Dean and Sam head out with some townsfolk and slay the hell out of them (#sorrynotsorry). After the job’s done one of the townsfolk, a cute teen who is clearly smitten with the Winchesters’ cool, asks if he can ride back with them in the Impala. They barely have time to toss him a beer when a demon who’d been hiding under the car kills him.
At the teen’s funeral, the prophet begins having a seizure. She tells his grieving mother the teen will come back to be with her on Judgment Day. They’ve been chosen by the angels to be given paradise on earth. All they have to do is follow the angel’s commandments, which is strict adherence to a Christian moral code.
Sam heads to the town bar, which is empty because of Heaven’s proclamation. He and the bartender share a shot and the man admits to being a nonbeliever. Soon after, the prophet shows up at the church in tears, saying the angels said they can’t go to paradise because some people aren’t following the rules. A mob is incited and the dead teen’s mom ends up shooting the nonbelieving bartender dead.
Meanwhile, Cas finally shows up at the motel, acting very strangely. Sam asks if he’s drunk.
I’m absolutely using this line in the future.
Cas says the townswoman isn’t a real prophet. She’s the Whore of Babylon, who spreads false prophecy so that innocent blood will be shed in God’s name. Her job is to condemn as many souls as she can to Hell before the apocalypse ends. Cas brought a special wooden stake that can kill her, but it must be wielded by a true servant of Heaven, a label that fits none of them.
After the false prophet gets up to more shenanigans, trying to incite the town to burn a lengthy list of people, including children, alive for their “sins,” they convince the town preacher that he’s got to kill her. One problem, though. He’s the woman’s father, and even though he knows it’s just a demon wearing her flesh, he still can’t bring himself to kill her. Dean can though. She laughs and says he’s no true servant of Heaven. But when he stabs her, the weapon works.
Brotherly Angst Quotient: Hopeless
When Sam finds out the town destroyed the cell towers to keep “corrupting influence” away from the people, he’s appalled. But Dean says he doesn’t care. He can’t save these people, so dancing to the angels’ tune is their only hope. Sam is heartbroken, saying it seems like Dean’s given up. He needs his brother to be able to do this, he’s counting on him.
After the town is saved, Sam demands to know why Dean was able to wield the weapon. Is he planning on saying yes to Michael? Dean doesn’t answer, but he does sneak away and drive all night, showing up on his ex-girlfriend’s doorstep. Lisa is surprised but glad to see him, especially when he tells her that when he pictures happiness, living with her and Ben is what he sees. But when she invites him inside, he refuses, cryptically indicating the world is about to get very bad. Not to worry, though, he’ll make sure the deal he cuts includes her and Ben’s safety.
I’d be making that face too, girl.
Dean ends his drive-by crazy by kissing her and walking away, presumably to make some sort of deal with Michael.
Paradise Lost of It All: Dean seems ready to make a deal with Heaven.
How Drunk Are We?: Incoherent and in need of an IV. Take 21 drinks for corpses dropped and demon possessions.
The Quotable Winchesters: “No drinking, no gambling, no premarital sex. Dean, they basically just outlawed 90% of your personality.” -Sam
Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic: Dean talks with such fervor about killing the “whore,” and going all “pimp” on the whore, that I’m feeling super troubled about the stuff he maybe gets up to between cases.
Notable Cameos:
Brett Dier of Jane the Virgin and Ravenswood plays the cute but ultimately dead teen.
5x18: Point of No Return
Monster of the Week: Zachariah
An out-of-work Zachariah drinks at a bar, commiserating with another man who has recently been fired. But just when things start getting chummy, a bright light fills the bar, shaking the walls. Zach says it’s his boss. As the eyeballs of the people inside begin liquefying, Zach smiles and thanks the Heaven for giving him a second chance.
Dean is hellbent on finding Michael and saying yes. But Sam finds him first and along with Cas, they zap him back to Bobby’s. Before long, Cas gets a bad feeling and pops out to a distant forest where he slays a pair of angels and pulls a newly alive Adam Winchester out of a freshly dug grave.
Back at Bobby’s, Cas inscribes his ribs to hide him. Adam wakes up in a panic. Sam tries to soothe him by telling him who they are. But Adam already knows. Zachariah warned him about them when he pulled him out of Heaven and told him it was his job to save the world by being Michael’s vessel. Sam tells him the angels are lying and says they’ll find a way to save the world without killing half of it. When Adam inquires as to how, exactly they plan on managing that, Dean brings the snark.
It’s a curious thing.
Adam’s not interested in joining Clan Winchester. His mom was the only family he knew and Zachariah told him that if he accepted Michael, he could see her again. Since they can’t reason with them, Sam and Bobby hold Adam and Dean prisoner.
But they aren’t very good jailers. Zach reaches Adam in his dreams, reminds him that he’ll get to see his mom if he says yes, and pops him out of there. Dean escapes, walks up to the first street preacher he can find and tells him to get a message to the angels that he’s waiting. The good news? The preacher’s the real deal. The bad news? An incredibly pissed-off Cas is the one who answers the prayer. He kicks Dean’s ass up and down the street, reminding him he gave up everything for him.
It’s the quiet ones you gotta watch out for.
Meanwhile, Adam is in Heaven’s waiting room and he finds out pretty quickly that Zachariah is a terrible angel, who never intended to use him as Michael’s vessel. He’s just bait to get the Winchesters front and center.
Sam, Dean and Cas put together a plan to get Adam back, which mostly involves striding up to Heaven’s waiting room and having Cas throw himself at the five angels guarding the door while Dean and Sam sneak Adam out. Admittedly, not a great plan. But it does involve Cas getting shirtless so not a total loss.
And the award for most creative use of partial nudity goes to Supernatural!
There’s a showdown in Heaven’s waiting room. Zach tries to control Dean by putting Sam and Adam in incredible pain. Dean begs him to stop, saying he’ll say yes to Micahel. As Zach begins calling for Michael, Dean tosses Sam a knowing smile. Then he tells Zach he’s got conditions to saying yes. The number one condition? Michael has to kill Zach first. The angel is furious and lunges for Dean, which gives him the opportunity to shiv him.
Try being snotty with a knife in your mouth.
Zach’s dead, but Michael’s still on his way. Dean hustles Sam out. But before Adam can follow, the door slams shut, with Michael laying claim to the youngest Winchester.
Brotherly Angst Quotient: Faithless
When Dean is first zapped back to Bobby’s, he goes on a bitter rampage about the fate of the world and how he’s tired of fighting. Bobby has never been so furious, darlings. He pulls out a gun and a single bullet and informs Dean that this is the round he plans to kill himself with. Every day he thinks about putting himself out of his misery and every day he stops himself because Dean made him promise he wouldn’t leave him alone. Dean giving up is beyond disappointing. It’s a betrayal.
In the panic silo jail, Dean promises Sam that the angels’ plans for Adam only renews his commitment to saying yes. He’s sick of people dying for him. Sam does his best on trying to sell Dean on sticking together. But Dean drops a bomb, saying that he can’t because he doesn’t believe in Sam. There is no scenario in which he can imagine Sam will be strong enough to say no to Lucifer.
Later, when it’s time to rescue Adam, Sam lets Dean out of jail, saying he needs him. Dean warns Sam that if he lets him get near the angels, he will definitely say yes to Michael. But Sam doesn’t believe he will. He has faith in Dean even if Dean doesn’t have faith in him.
Sam tells Dean that the angels have Adam and they need to get him together. Dean says it’s a trap to make him say yes, and he’s going to do it. Sam says he doesn’t believe he will. Sam has faith in Dean, even if Dean doesn’t have faith in him. When Dean questions why?
Same old sentiment and it still hits me, right in the feels.
After Adam’s gone, Dean tells Sam he almost said yes for real, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how Sam trusted him. That faith restored his own. He apologizes for his terrible behavior and says its time for them both to fight destiny.
Paradise Lost of It All: Michael’s got a brand new (meat)bag.
How Drunk Are We?: Pretty damn. Take six drinks for corpses dropped and snotty angels.
The Quotable Winchesters: “That's all they care about upstairs, ain't it? Results, results, results. They don't know. They're not down on the ground, in the mud, nose to nose with all you pig-filthy humans, am I right?” –Zachariah.
Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:
They’re just trolling us at this point, right?
Notable Cameos: None
Next Week: Dean splits a pizza with Death