Happy St. Stephen’s day, everybody! Or if you're not Irish, Happy Boxing Day/December 26th/That Horrible Day Where You Have To Go Back To Work Instead of Lounging in Your PJs Until 3pm. We’re going to be maintaining a reduced schedule for the rest of the holiday week to recover from our hangovers spend time with our families, but we do have some treats planned for you all the same.
Today, Megan and Alix bring you the gift of terrible cinema! A few nights ago, we generously watched a terrible, terrible movie on Netflix together and recorded our conversation for your reading pleasure! Blood & Chocolate is based on a YA novel by Annette Curtis Klause, although, judging by the Wikipedia article, it is not actually based on anything. If our commentary seems disjointed and confusing, it’s because this complete turd of a movie is also disjointed and confusing. If you are a masochist for some reason, you can watch along with us! Otherwise, just look at the screencaps and know that you are better off not having seen this movie, even if you have the misfortune of being back in the office today.
Alix: Now, before we begin, what do we know about this movie?
Megan: So much!
Alix: Really? All I know is that it has Hugh Dancy and got 11% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Megan: We know it is based on a 90s/00s ya book by the same person who wrote that vampire one you hated. Where the vampire peed on the porch.
Alix: Gross. That book was so gross.
Megan: And this movie is German. Except apparently in English? For whatever reason.
Alix: Fascinating. Also, I think there are werewolves?
Megan: Yes, werewolves! And based on the brief Netflix description, some SRSLY fucking creepy love interests.
Alix: I didn't read that. I am so well-prepared.
Megan: Okay. Should we do a countdown? To hit play?
Alix: Yes. Countdown.
Megan: Like, 123 shoot?
Alix: Wait. ON shoot? or On three?
Megan: On shoot!
Alix: Maybe I should call you to facilitate this. Hold on.
Alix calls Megan to ensure simultaneous film commencement.
Alix: Success! We are so good at counting down.
Megan: Ummm okay, so, voiceover. We are off to a great start.
A small child makes snow angels to voiceover in Colorado, ten years ago.
Alix: Snow angels!
Megan: That is some seriously fake-ass snow for Colorado.
Alix: This is all very Twilight. Maybe they're about to be eaten by Confederate Jasper.
Megan: No! Not Confederate Jasper!
Men who are not Confederate Jasper show up and light the little girl's house on fire. She is the only one who escapes.
Alix: No, just burned alive. Cheerful!
Ten years pass, and now our heroine runs in long pants and a hoodie, when everyone else is in a short sleeves.
Megan: Aaaand now she lives in Romania. And dogs hate her. Because obviously all dogs hate werewolves?
Alix: Yes, that is clearly canon. Also wtf is this music? I feel like I'm about to watch a Bollywood movie. Which would be awesome, if confusing.
Megan: MAYBE WE ARE?
Alix: DANCING WERES!
We are not. Instead, we are watching opening credits that feature lots of helicopter shots of Bucharest.
Megan: Romania looks pretty. Lots of fountains and old Communist buildings.
Enter Vivian's aunt.
Alix: Now Aunt Astrid is here to tell our heroine about the ways of their people, which evidently involve Wonderbras.
Megan: Apparently, the only place to be safe as a werewolf is Romania.
Vivian heads out to some sort of secret nightclub, where this is happening.
Alix: Werewolf speakeasy! And by speakeasy, I mean... really mellow rave?
Megan: This is very Bronz. Why do they all dance like this? Like, slow zombies, waving their hands over their heads?
A red-dressed lady is dancing all slutty-like at a shady dude in the Werewolf Speakeasy Slow-Mo Rave.
Megan: And who is this red-dressed lady? Who eschews bras?
Alix: (and possibly undies)
Megan: Wow, red dress lady doesn't realize that she is LEADING ON a were.
Alix: I seriously have no idea what is happening in this movie, or why every single character has a different accent.
Megan: OH. They are COUSINS. So, blonde lady from the beginning is her aunt and this is her wormy son with the PACK LEADER. And Pack Leader wants to dump aunt and get a NEW mate, so OBVIOUSLY the LEAST CREEPY CHOICE is his CURRENT MATE'S teenage niece.
This skeezy date-rapist hitting on both Red Dress Lady and Vivian is apparently Viv's cousin.
Alix: You got all that from that one scene?
Megan: No. This was from the two sentence Netflix plot description.
Hugh Dancy appears. He is lurking in a church where Vivian is also lurking.
Alix: HUGH DANCY. THE ONLY REASON I'M WATCHING THIS MOVIE.
Megan: YES. Vivian thinks hanging out in churches is cool. And so does Hugh Dancy! KISMET!
Alix: Hugh Dancy likes to draw weres! Because he's writing a graphic novel about weres! I love him already.
Megan: Wow, how RANDOM that a guy into weres just MET A WERE without even realizing.
Alix: Vivian is really on a high horse about Hugh Dancy trespassing in this church. "It's bad luck to break into a church.” WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS JUST DOING.
The Red Dress reappears to fulfill her role as cautionary tale. She is stalked by Creepy Cousin and his gang of rapist wolves.
Megan: Red dress lady with no bra is back.
Alix: She's gonna get eaten! I wish by Vampire Lee Pace, but instead it's by Date Rape Wolf.
Megan: Yep, nice lesson here. She had it COMING because she LED THAT WOLF ON!
Oh good, Vivian to the rescue.
Alix: Creepy Cuz is pissed that Vivian didn't let them gang rape Red Dress.
Megan: Unfortunately, Vivian is more concerned about the pack being discovered due to murders, instead of ACTUALLY caring about the woman in question. Oh well.
When Vivian gets home, Gabriel has creepily climbed in through her window. Only, Vivian does not find it romantic at ALL. Huh!
Megan: It's GABRIEL, LEADER OF THE PACK.
Alix: Yes. We know Gabriel is sketchy because he's got intricate facial hair and an unplaceable Spanish/slavic accent. But as we learn from Gabriel, there's some kind of prophecy, possibly about Vivian. Possibly about Gabriel getting to bone Vivian? I'm not clear.
Megan: That certainly seems like a convenient prophecy. I should have used that in high school. "Look boys, you're not interested in me AT ALL. But there is a PROPHECY"
Meanwhile, Creepy Cousin has followed Red Dress home and eaten her.
Alix: Oh man, Red Dress can't catch a break. Clearly, she shouldn't have been such a slut, dancing all provocatively with her nipples akimbo.
Megan: That really is the set up here. Like, if ONLY she hadn't been LEADING the cousin on...
Alix: Then he wouldn't have had to eat her! It is all her fault.
In no clear relation to the rest of the "plot," Gabriel stabs some kind of gangster with a hypodermic needle.
Megan: So, Gabriel just killed some shady criminal and I'm not sure why.
Meanwhile, Viv is at her local news agent...
Alix: Viv found Hugh Dancy's graphic novels at a news stand! Which doesn't make any kind of sense, because I can't find graphic novels in like, actual bookstores.
Megan: Well, have you ever BEEN to Romania? Graphic novels could be like, THE THING there.
Alix: You are clearly right.
Hugh Dancy spots Vivian at the news stand/comic book emporium. Vivian runs away with the magic of parkour. Hugh is baffled and enamoured by her escape.
Megan: Wow, Viv is pretty good at parkour. But not as good as Parkour Dog, or else maybe she would have gotten away.
Alix: Maybe if she was in wolf form, she would be as good as Parkour Dog.
Megan: Now would be a great time to link Parkour Dog, who is...AMAZING. Why aren't we watching a movie about him?
There is some kind of wolf pow-wow in the woods, but it is sadly not telepathic. There are some amazing outfits, though.
Alix: STOP. VIV'S AUNT IS WEARING A VELOUR DRESS. WHAT YEAR WAS THIS MADE?
Megan: Well, she also gave birth to a murdering rapist, so the two MAY be related.
Alix: One of the gang rape wolves' shirt is unbuttoned to his navel. He looks like Fabio, or maybe JLo. Actually, it's more than one. It seems to be the wolf dress code.
Also, have you figured out what chocolate has to do with this movie yet? They keep showing shots of truffles, which makes me want to eat some, but seems to have nothing to do with anything.
Megan: Gabriel drives a very fancy car. Do these wolves have DAY jobs? I'm confused as to how they support their lifestyles.
Alix: Are there only two Lady Wolves?
Megan: Possibly.
Gabriel produces the criminal, who is here to participate in some kind of wolfy hunting ritual.
Alix: Oh! The criminal ISN'T dead.
Megan: SAC RA FICE! SAC RA FICE! Gabriel's scarf is very nice. A little weird, for a wolf pack leader.
Alix: Lady count: 3. Does this film pass the Bechdel test? I'm not sure.
Megan: well, they all seem to be talking about WOLVES not MEN, so...kind of...on a technicality?
During the hunt, the men transform into wolves. It is very fancy looking.
Alix: The wolves are part of Cirque du Soleil!
Megan: That was a VERY glowy wolf transformation. Also, there are like...50 of them? to eat ONE dude?
Alix: Viv and Gabe are not on the hunt, for some reason. Instead they are back at camp, where Gabe is molesting a very phallic knife, and looking at Viv pointedly.
Megan: I'm confused...why doesn't Viv just like...go to college or something? She obviously doesn't' like ANY Of these people. Also, these wolves are all TINY, like, it doesn't even seem to be an advantage to be a wolf in the modern era of intense hunting rifles and whatnot.
Alix: Anyway, back at Hugh Dancy's, he has not become acquainted with a hair brush. But he has figured out where Viv works, because he's incredibly stalkery.
Megan: Does Viv work in a chocolate shop JUST so this movie can be called Blood & Chocolate?
Hugh shows up at Viv's chocolaterie of employment to stalk her to put his unwashed hands in her pot of chocolate (not a euphemism).
Alix: Hugh Dancy is UNHYGIENIC.
Megan: EWWWW. Hugh Dancy is being aggressive and weird, telling her to ASK him to leave. And then she does, and he's all "YOU DON'T MEAN IT." Dude, NO MEANS NO. Pretending otherwise is NOT CHARMING.
Alix: Meanwhile, Rapist Cuz has some incest issues with Viv.
Megan: Yeah he like, totes wants his dad to bang his cousin.
Alix: Ok so to answer your previous question about day jobs, they work in some kind of a factory, which doesn't seem like it would support their extravagant lifestyle.
Megan: What's the point of being a supernatural creature if you are going to live a totally mundane day life?
Alix: Yeah factory worker in Romania is not high on my to do list.
Viv gets ready for her date with Hugh. She is trying to ward him off with her hideous fashion choices.
Alix: Is it just me, or does Viv look like one of the twins from the SVH tv show?
Megan: She DOES. She is the third Wakefield twin. The one they never talk about. WHAT IS THAT GREEN TOP? When was THIS MADE?
Alix: Not long enough ago for this to be acceptable.
In the end, she settles on this ugly dress. Hugh Dancy is so delighted with her choice that he exposits all he knows about weres.
Megan: Thank God Hugh Dancy, WEREWOLF EXPERT, is here to give us exposition and tell us exactly how one kills a were. This information will be useful later, I THINK.
Alix: Yes, thanks for the exposition, 40 minutes late, Hugh Dancy. Where were you when I was trying to figure out what was happening without the Netflix description?
Megan: Wow, Viv's dress is amazing. It’s like a shirt dress, except HOODIE shirt dress?
Alix: It's incredible how unflattering one article of clothing can be on an ostensibly hot person.
Hugh and Viv do some parkour to come here, where he tries to get her to tell him her secrets by explaining about his sordid past as a teen criminal, or something. Hugh is also wearing terrible shoes.
Megan: I can't believe Hugh Dancy just pulled the "you're hiding things from me" line. I mean, you DON'T KNOW THIS PERSON. OF COURSE THIS IS SHIT YOU DON'T KNOW, even if she WEREN'T a secret werewolf.
Alix: Hugh Dancy goes to the misguided school of secret trading, where he thinks if he tells Viv intrusive personal details, she is obligated to do this same.
Megan: Yep. Most people go to that school.
Alix: I fucking hate that school.
Megan: You would! you NEVER tell secrets!
Alix: Apparently it kind of worked, though, because Viv is turned on by his oversharing.
Megan: Wait, so, he is a criminal? or something? or his grandpa is going to kill him? I didn't really listen to his backstory.
Alix: Yeah but it doesn't make any sense, because his criminal record is from when he was 17, so surely it should be expunged by now.
Viv and Hugh go on more dates, including the universal movie symbol of falling in love: running through fountains.
Megan: MONTAGE of falling in love! lots of rolling around in the grass...
Alix: ...while Viv wears unflattering jumpers.
Megan: how has no one in her creepy family noticed anything during this entire montage?
Alix: Especially since they were following her during the first date.
Megan: Why don't they just run away together? Like, he has ZERO connection to this city, and the only thing she has is a velour-wearing aunt and a job in a chocolate store. There are CHOCOLATE STORES EVERYWHERE.
The date montage is interupted by Creepy Cuz, and there is a resulting kerfuffle in the street.
Alix: Ok I feel like we should discuss the incredible fucked-up-ittude that just happened. Viv cut herself on a rusty pipe and had a second where she wanted to eat Hugh Dancy.
Megan: And then Creepy Cousin just showed up? To ensure that his dad gets to fuck his cousin?
Alix: Yes, Cuz just appeared from a dark alley where he was clearly jerking off to his cousin's makeout sesh.
Megan: Aaaaaand Creepy Cuz goes and tattles to his daddy. This story is very fucking creepy. Why does everyone think they OWN VIV'S WOMB?
Viv is very sad and hides from Hugh by not going to work so he can't stalk her.
Alix: Now Viv has a major case of TEABS. She is just lying unwashed in bed, surrounded by Hugh Dancy's graphic novels.
Hugh is delighted to recieve a letter that is obviously not from Viv, but he is a moron so he thinks it's from Viv.
Megan: HUGH DANCY. IT'S A TRAP! That letter. is NOT FROM VIV. You are BEING SET UP
Alix: Also Admiral Ackbar would not approve of your continued insistence on wearing those god awful white sneakers.
Megan: Okay, but seriously. What message am i supposed to be getting from this story? Like, you lead a guy on, you might get killed? Your sexality isn't your own? These are not good messages.
Hugh is dumb, so he meets Creepy Cuz in an abandoned church. Creepy Cuz attacks Hugh.
Alix: Hugh Dancy just made Creepy Cuz wolf out! Is it just me, or does Creepy Cuz look a touch like The 11th Doctor, but with eyebrows?
Megan: He does a bit, except not charming, and totally ugly. I love how Creepy Cuz actually said "LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" Everyone ELSE makes Creepy Cuz do the things he does!
Alix: This is officially the worst fight scene ever committed to film.
Hugh accidentally kills Creepy Cuz with his tacky necklace.
Megan: And Hugh Dancy is saved by accidental silver ingestion. I'm actually horrified by how little silver it takes to kill a were. It's almost disadvantageous to be a were. Like, you would die just by entering a Claires.
Alix: I guess you wouldn't go to the mall much, which might explain the hideous fashion.
Viv is pretty torn up about rapist cousin. And Hugh Dancy is such a hypocrite. "If you cared a goddamn thing about me, you would have left me before we ever met" YOU STALKED HER UNTIL SHE DATED YOU, YOU ASSHOLE.
Megan: Yeah. I'm pretty sure Viv needs to take some time and "find herself," and stop hanging out with all these assholes.
Alix: Viv should probably just be a lesbian, actually.
Megan: This was very R&J, with Hugh Dancy killing her cousin
Alix: Does that mean that both Hugh and Viv will die in the end? I hope at least 50% of that happens.
Megan: I hope so, but probably just Hugh?
Alix: That would be sufficient.
Hugh has been captured for the monthly hunt because he killed Creepy Cuz.
Megan: I'm annoyed that Gabriel and Viv's Aunt are upset about creepy cuz dying. Like, I know he's your SON, but you HAD to have SOME inkling that he was a fucking monster.
Alix: There are some serious pacing issues in this movie. Although, I suppose that that is the least of our problems.
Megan: Yeah, I think the rampant misogyny and vagina policing are probably worse.
Megan: Is Viv going to rescue Hugh Dancy or what?
Alix: Hugh Dancy just stopped running from the wolves because he has some splinters? Oh no, it's just that he saw the third Twilight and he is trying to distract the wolves by rubbing his bloody arms all over trees.
Megan: Just for reference, this movie got an 11% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Alix: Who were the 11% of critics who gave this a passable rating?
Hahaha Hugh is killing wolves with the flatware he got from a restaurant. Nice.
Megan: Did they seriously not check him for weapons?
Alix: I hope he accidentally kills Viv, and then he has to kill himself because he’s so distraught.
Megan: YES.
Hugh is saved by Wolfy Viv, whom he repays by stabbing with a silver butter knife.
Megan: OH MY GOD. he DID KILL VIV!
Alix: Hahahahahaha! hahahahaha! He stabbed Viv! fucktard. Hahaha she is dying! hahahahahaha! hahahahhahaa! This is hilarious!
Megan: With a fucking butter knife!
Viv is dying of silver poisoning. What has Hugh done!?
Alix: Hahahahahahaha. This movie was almost worth watching!
Megan: You know WHAT? He is NOT going to kill himself. He is going to WRITE THIS ALL DOWN in a GRAPHIC NOVEL! hahahaha! I bet you one dollar.
Lolz, just kidding! There is still half an hour of this movie left.
Megan: Wait. THIS ISN'T OVER?! Gabriel isn't dead. Viv isn't dead.
Alix: Seriously. Pacing issues.
Hugh and Viv go and hide out in an abandonned film warehouse. The wolves won't look for them there because of the silver used in developing.
Megan: Did Hugh Dancy REALLY JUST CUT HIMSELF to test out her wolfy bloodlust? This guy is such a dick!
Alix: Now they are going to have hot bloodlust were sex? Oh no, that would be too interesting.
Megan: it faded to black...are we supposed to assume?
That night, they go to a creepy pharmacist to get some silver poisoning antidote. Natch, he calls the Wolf Authorities on them.
Megan: Oh my gosh. So this doctor that they are getting the anti-silver serum from looks like every caricature of an illegal abortion doctor. Also, I love that he just made a "hairy situation" joke.
Hugh escapes, but Gabe captures Viv and puts her in a cage, presumably for nefarious purposes.
Megan: THEY DID HAVE SEX! Gabriel CAN SMELL IT on her! (gross). I cannot believe Hugh Dancy BONED HER, while she was DYING of silver poisoning!
Alix: I can.
Megan: Yeah, tbh, I'd be shocked if he didn’t. He's kind of a monumental douchecanoe.
Hugh comes to rescue Viv by shooting at bad guys from on top of a glass roof.
Alix: Hugh Dancy is a fucking moron. Also these weres are really bad shots.
Megan: This fight scene is so boring. Like, I just don't care for any of these people. So it's pretty hard to be invested right about now.
Some other stuff happens. Viv is maybe going to shoot Gabe, or maybe not.
Megan: UHHHHHH, there is nothing more boring in a movie than a protagonist debating whether or not to shoot the bad guy. THEY ARE THE BAD GUY, THEY HAVE BEEN TRYING TO KILL YOU, WILL KEEP KILLING YOU. WHY IT IS A DEBATE? I swear to god, if I find myself in a fictional scenario, I will shoot all the bad guys.
Alix: Question: is she the alpha now? Cause she killed the alpha?
Megan: I guess so.
Hugh and Viv drive off to Paris in Gabe's fancy car. The End.
Alix: Ok, so what have we learned from this experience?
Megan: Well, if you're a woman who likes to tease men, eventually you will be punished for humiliating them.
Alix: AS YOU SHOULD BE.
Megan: And that it's TOTALLY normal to hang out with a inbred group of people who decide who you should have to marry/have the sex with, and that it's totally a NORMAL and HEALTHY relationship to date a dude who stalked you, secret shares/loan sharks you and gets mad when you didn't tell him your deepest darkest secret.
Alix: Hugh and Viv make Bella and Edward's relationship look functional.
Also, chocolate was not actually a part of this movie.
Megan: I'm telling you, she ONLY worked at that chocolate store so they could call this movie Blood & Chocolate. ‘Cause they thought it sounded sexy, and WOMENZ LOVE CHOCOLATE. And abusive relationships.
Alix: In conclusion, this movie was fucking terrible. It wasn't even funny bad. It was just bad.
Megan: They should really make a sequel where Viv and Hugh Dancy get to Paris and have to hang out with each other and realize they don't like each other at all, and have to awkwardly break up.
Alix: Genius.