Y'all! I've been rewatching The West Wing on Netflix and GUESS WHAT? TAMI TAYLOR (oops, I mean, Connie Britton; I *can* separate fiction from reality. Really.) IS IN SEASON THREE. I TOTALLY DID NOT REMEMBER THAT. It's because her hair does not look like it was spun by angels and she isn't talking with her real accent. She plays Connie (heh), one of the political advisors brought in to help Bartlet get re-elected. She works for Bruno. I had forgotten about her because I loathe season three with the fire of a thousand suns.
It makes me sad to see her in that show. It is not worthy of her sassiness. But she was PLENTY sassy last night, so let's go over the highlights! For this week's post, I'll be recapping, and Posh will follow up with some scientific analysis.
- Rayna and Juliette are going to go on tour, like, YESTERDAY, because "Wrong Song" is topping the charts. Rayna's in the recording studio laying down her part of the tracks for the studio version of the song, and now that I can actually hear the words and, you know, like, a verse, it's pretty catchy! Juliette is late, and it's pissing off Rayna, Marshall and Liam McIrish O'Donaghue McGuinness of the Irish Irishes, because she's soooo unprofessional. Glenn, Juliette's manager, claims being late isn't like her, and something must be going on . . .
- Which it is! And it's cause Juliette and Sean are having sex in the back of a limo! What could have changed Sean's mind towards premarital relations so completely? NOTHING. BECAUSE JULIETTE AND SEAN ARE MARRIED. They eloped at the courthouse. And now Juliette's deflowering her husband in the back of a moving limo. Never let it be said the girl doesn't have romance, people. Never let it be said. Obviously, everyone greets the news of Juliette and Sean's elopement with varying degrees of flipping out, none more so than Sean's mom, whose pearls are so far clutched that she nearly strangles herself to death right there in Juliette's living room. (Sean, by the way, having moved in over the day, has the infuriating habit of inviting his family over to Juliette's house unannounced. Which, I get they're married now, but jeez. Baby steps, Sean. BABY STEPS.) Mrs. Sean's Mom loftly announces that No Son Of Hers will be married in a courthouse (they have a brand to protect, you know) and plans a church wedding for that Saturday. Gosh, I hope no one else was planning to get married that weekend. She enters into full-on wedding planner mode, which freaks Juliette out. Living as an Engaged Person (I've come to realize it's an affliction not unlike a chronic illness), my advice to Juliette is just to go with it. Get it over with.
- Scarlett's having some trouble coming up with new lyrics for one of the three songs she and Gunnar have to crank out as part of their deal, and Gunnar becomes IRRATIONALLY angry about it and storms out of their songwriting session. Didn't they just kiss and make up, literally, last episode? Gunnar is totally hormonal. Maybe that soul patch is actually some sort of testosterone patch that is regulating his hormonal imbalances. It's not doing a very good job. Hayley, who is wise and all-knowing and, more, really wants a promotion, tells him to get over himself and then Gunnar and Scarlett write a song together and it is very pretty and Civil Wars-y, like every other song they write.
- In The Avery Barkley Band news, Avery Barkley is partying in Atlanta with his new record producer and knows that he'll have to bite the bullet and fire his band. Which he does once he flies back to Nashville. They do not take it well. Sadly, the two more level-headed members of the band prevent J.T. (the lead guitarist) from breaking Avery's face, thus denying us all the pleasure of seeing Avery get his ass kicked. I know. I was sad too.
- Avery graciously allows Scarlett to move back into her own apartment that she was paying the rent on, so he comes by to give her the keys. (No more Odd Couple with her and Deacon? I am bereft!) Annnnd they have sex. SCARLETT!!! But then she finds out how he dumped the rest of his band and she kicks his ass to the curb, so at least that happened. And then! She meets up with J.T. to give him some stuff he had over at the apartment and offers to sing at their gig (since she knows all their songs) and she totally ROCKS it and the crowd goes wild and the band asks her to join them. Avery is sent a video of their performance and gets a rage tumor from seeing all of his exes on stage, singing his songs.
- Rayna wants to take the girls on tour with her, because she feels like Teddy's becoming a corrupting influence. He gets very upset about this and swears to fight her. Like, in court, I imagine. Not with fisticuffs. He complains to Rayna's sister, because Teddy is a bitch, and Rayna's sister complains to Daddy Lamar, and then Daddy Lamar comes to Rayna and tells her that it would be a shame if Maddie (Lennon, the older daughter) were to find out who her real father was. Ooooh. Called it! BUT THEN!! Even better! Rayna gets pissed at this kind of underhanded blackmail and storms into Teddy's campaign office (where Daddy Lamar also is) and totally calls Teddy out on it! It turns out! TEDDY TOTALLY KNOWS THAT MADDIE ISN'T HIS! And more, Teddy totally and immediately turns on Lamar, telling him that he and Rayna have both agreed that they'll tell Maddie when the time is right and that Lamar will never, ever threaten his family again! And just like that, y'all, I kind of love Teddy. Teddy's siding with Rayna and protection of Maddie makes Rayna realize that Teddy would never put anything above the girls, so she consents to leaving them with him during the tour. Teddy and Rayna have a frank talk about not being happy in their marriage and I sort of maybe teared up a little? Cause they're staying together for the kids! Don't do that, guys!
- So what's going on with (presumably) Maddie's biological father? Well, Deacon insists on still touring with that ugly band of ugly people, though he's starting to feel like he's too old for this shit. He's getting headaches from the noise, so I'm guessing we have an "it's not a tumour!" plotline coming up soon. A reporter with whom Deacon has some sort of romantic past (right around the same time that he and Rayna broke up) comes on tour, obstensibly to interview him, but mostly to fuck him a lot. She has questions about some car accident that their mutual friend Vince was in, and it looks like Deacon may be involved.
- It's wedding day! And Juliette chooses to board her private jet to go on tour instead! Juliette, you realize that you're already married, right? Poor Sean. Married and bedded and dumped, all in one weekend.
Hey y'all, Posh here. Let's dissect us some show!
Juliette vs Rayna:
Rayna FO SHO. I mean, yes, her marriage is a hot mess, and her only means of escape is spending the next few months with Juliette, but I'll be damned if that woman doesn't handle her problems with graceful strength and determination. (It's all in the hair, obviously.) Plus, she had the best line of the night: "I only hate sunburns and hangovers. This is just business." Meanwhile, Juliette has a quickie wedding with Sean just to bag him in bed. Juliette, only assholes do that! Don't be an asshole! Even your mom knows that was a bad decision, and she's, like, ADDICTED to bad decisions. Someone get this girl a Sassy Gay Friend STAT because WHAT ARE YOU DOING. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.
Best Scene:
Teddy going off on Daddy Lamar was straight up AWESOME. It's great to finally see Teddy showing some backbone. I also totes dug Scarlett singing with Avery's old band. Her sweet country voice was getting a little tiresome, so it was an excellent change of pace to hear her growl out some rock 'n' roll.
Best Sub-Plot:
I RELISHED Avery's horror when his new producer was adding too much "dirty bass" to his tracks. Hmm, what does that taste like, I wonder? It's bitter... it's sour... oh right, perhaps it tastes of YOUR OWN MEDICINE?
WTF:
- I know I've said it already, and I yelled it a thousand times at my TV, but WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JULIETTE? You had a good thing going with Sean. WHY MUST YOU RUIN IT?
- Also, like Erin said, you're already married! Why mess up a perfectly good PR opportunity church wedding?
- Gunnar, YOU NEED TO CALM THE EFF DOWN. Scarlett just got out of a serious(ly heinous) relationship, and girlfriend needs some time to figure things out. Also, if she starts dating you before you shave off that soul patch, I might never forgive her.
Burning Questions:
- Will we ever find out what this whole Vince car accident thing is all about? (JK, of course we will.)
- Do y'all think Maddie already knows that Teddy isn't her real dad?!
- When will Daddy Lamar suffer a heart attack, which will force him to reevaluate his life and seek forgiveness in a touching holiday episode?
- Liam McIrish O'Donaghue McGuinness and Juliette hate each other too much not to hook up on tour. AM I WRONG?
So, now it's y'all's turn to step onto the Nashville soapbox. Leave us your rants and raves in the comments!