Welcome back to Beacon Hills, friends! I apologize for being so late to the party, and offer up as penance the party favors of dead wolf hordes, screaming spiderwebs, and bloody rat kings.
You're welcome.
Let's make this short and quick and just get to a final season lovefest in the comments!
AWARDS
THIS WEEK'S WOLF PACK PUPPY
I mean, good job and all, Liam, fighting that Hellhound all on your own in your first bid to be Alpha in Scott's absence (I TRULY DO NOT THINK THAT"S HOW ALPHAING WORKS), but after the whole *suddenly senior* junior pack crew filed through for their pre-registration meeting with the new and super chatty guidance counselor, I just have to give this award to Corey, who is NOT INVISIBLE, metaphorically OR LITERALLY, okay lady? He is so very very visible, right here, see him?
So visible.
BEST REACTION TO SOMETHING SUPERNATURALLY RIDICULOUS
Stiles, at Quantico, in Orientation.
And also me, in my house, on my couch, who had the exact same reaction to that amazing crisp video of one dummy Derek Hale and his very noticeable identifying back tattoo. DEREK. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A DUMMY (ilu so much).
WEEKLY REMINDER THAT BEACON HILLS IS ON A HELLMOUTH
Did you not see your party favors of spider hordes and bloody rat kings???
But also: literally an ancient Hellhound was being kept frozen in pyroplastic rock (sure) in the basement of Eichen House (literally zero surprise there). Beacon Hills is actually Hell!
REIGNING PRESIDENT OF THE SCOTT MCCALL FAN CLUB
Okay hear me out: Coach Finstock. TOTALLY Coach Finstock, right? He may SEEM like he wants Scott around like he wants to chew rocks, but honestly, by now don't we all know that the more boondoggled shouting Finstock does, the more he likes and appreciates you??
If not Finstock, then Melissa, who is just so danged proud of Scott heading off to vet school at UC Davis. Me too, Melissa! ME. TOO.
BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Self-preservation! No-good Nolan's got it; newbie guidance counselor/Hunter's got it; but most importantly, Hayden Romero, love of Liam's young life, barely minted true wolf, she's got it! Yep, Hayden took Scott's alpha bite then turned literal tail and ran with her human sister straight out of town.
Look, Liam, this sucks and all, but Hayden knew exactly whose shoes she was filling (Allison's), and exactly what happened to the person who wore them before (horrible death). Take the L and call it a W!
PREVIOUSLY ON TEEN WOLF
Scott, Lydia, Stiles, and ::somehow:: even Malia graduated high school! They also built the existence-obliterating Ghost Riders, using their collective pure love of Stiles to remember him so hard he popped back into existence. They also beat a literal Nazi über-wolf, as a reminder of where to look if we need to take notes anytime soon here in the real world. With Scott and his senior pack hightailing it out of literal Hills, sophomore pack Liam, Mason, Corey and Hayden were left realizing they would have to step up and be in charge, because lololol like the supernatural nightmares in Beacon Hills are going to settle down just because Scott left town? Oh, also Theo came back, and Peter. They were both evil; they are both (maybe) better now.
THIS WEEK
Scary Movie MCMXVII
It a wolf!
But first! It is also Scott McCall, volunteering as assistant coach for the BHS lacrosse team's summer training, despite Coach Finstock being somehow entirely unaware that he both has been doing the job all summer, and has already graduated. And honestly it is understandable that Coach is so confused, what with every single sophomore skipping ahead to senior year sometime between May and September!
Wow, Liam—we've learned by now that succeeding as Alpha takes some real out-of-the-box thinking, but that's a move even Scott never would have thought of! I guess Hayden picked a smarty after al—oh. Wait. What? Hayden, the only girl in the junior pack, the previousl-dead chimaera who was so miraculously saved by Scott's alpha bite in the very last minute of 6x10, left town during the hiatus? A season after the only other non-white female lead *also* left town after a major character development? Woof. What a bummer.
I feel dragged.
So yeah, back to that wolf, bloody and alone and standing right in the middle of the lacrosse field, right in the middle of lacrosse practice, triggering (or else coinciding with) Liam's loss of wolfish control. You're a welcome distraction, wolfie! And not least for the fact that you are proof positive of all the good will and success Teen Wolf has built up over the years, finally being able to afford something as sleek and real and classy-looking as you.
Naturally, they blew their whole budget on that cameo: the moment Scott and Liam step into the woods (after wandering away from their entire lacrosse team, again, right in the middle of practice), they find a whole clearing full of laughably terrible dead prop wolves, from whose every orifice stream just piles of skittering spiders.
Let The Right One In
Spiders are honestly the least of Liam's worries rn tho: aside from Hayden having left him (to "protect her sister"), he has to dive straight into senior year without even a single year of language credit under his belt!
The new guidance counselor, whose very pointed comments about *everything* she *sees* around *this town* definitely aren't suspicious at all, nudges Liam away from Latin and towards Spanish, then moves on to totally-not-invisible Corey, whom she nudges away from AP math and towards Creative Writing, then moves to Mason pristine record, which invites her to be boldly provocative about what HE has seen, then finishes with total stranger Nolan, who apparently had a conversation with her over the summer about un-wolfish wolves, and who she invites to follow up with her on anything else weird he sees, literally any time. Oh, and in the meantime, the entire east wing has been infested with rampaging rats of fear.
This will go well!
Meanwhile, Scott, Lydia and Malia are all in the process of packing up their Beacon Hills lives, getting both themselves and their families ready for their departure. Aside from calming Liam's nerves about taking over as Alpha (…not how it works), Scott is also very committed to making sure Melissa knows how to use a stun baton—his mom appreciates the gesture, but has a morgue drawer full of Chekhov's supernatural herbs, thankyouverymuch. Condensing the thesis behind their unlikely collective heroism/idiocy these last six season, Lydia has brought Chekhov's list of all of Beacon Hills' known supernaturals (!) to her mom, the new BHS principal (!!), insisting that, "you know stuff, which means you have to do stuff"—her mom appreciates the gesture, but also only cares about supernatural danger insofar as she cares about Lydia, and Lydia is leaving, so her hands are now washed of it, thankyouverymuch.
Malia apparently has no father anymore, so is just lounging around Lydia's bedroom, watching for her delayed flight to right itself, totally ignoring whatever new trouble Liam and crew are trying to stir up.
You know who is in France? ISAAC.
Thankyouvermuch.
Hot in Herre (Redux)
MEANWHILE, one of Eichen House's many dumb directors is leading one of Eichen House's many dumb guards deep into one of Eichen House's many deep basements to check on a resident who has been locked up in an ice room since the hospital was founded over a hundred years ago.
Surprise! It is a hot hot Hellhound!
Mmmm Eye Candy (…see what I did there)
He breaks out of his pyroplastic (pyroclastic? I can't be bothered to fact check) prison immediately, of course, and spends the rest of the episode A) stalking teens and B) fighting Hellhound Parrish fiery bare chest to fiery bare chest (remarkably both wearing the same hellfire-retardant hot shorts, despite the century separating their shopping options) before C) being tracked by that squirrelly new guidance counselor into the woods and shot straight through the skull with a spelled Argent bullet.
This last fact really sucks for our heroes, as all of their very funny, charming, horrifying running around town tracking spiders and bloody rat kings and Lydia's screaming spiderweb-filled Banshee premonitions throughout the rest of the episode hinged on the fact that this Old-New Hellhound broke free to track a mysterious thing Scott's pack let out of the Wild Hunt when they rescued Stiles, and he was the only one who knew what he was looking for. Whoops!
(My guess is a monster that generates and then feeds on fear, but who knows what form that could take.)
Will You Walk Into My Parlour
And thus are our heroes left realizing they all need to stay in Beacon Hills until this last nightmare is resolved. The only question—do they call Stiles back across the country, or not? Malia and Lydia are leaning towards yes, but Scott's the only one who has heard how truly, truly excited Stiles is to finally have started FBI Intern orientation at Quantico. Before they make any decision, he plays Stiles' voicemail for them:
Stiles loves it—not just the FBI, but life outside of Beacon Hills, and now that he has gotten a taste of it, he needs to make sure that Scott doesn't let himself get tricked into not leaving to live his life, too.
Alas, Scott has already been tricked. And Stiles, watching the FBI program director's orientation clip of a "mass murderer" (Derek) with "strange feral" qualities (DEREK) running through the woods of Pennsylvania (DEREK.), well, he's about to be tricked back in, too…
NEXT TIME
Literally who knows, but I will love it no matter what.
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