Hi, friends! I sure hope everyone survived last night's* Sunday's marathon Television Event Of The Season! Oh, and also I guess the Emmy's were on?
Anyway, enough chatting. There's WAR AFOOT(x2).
*hiiiii yes I DID start this on Monday, but then my computer stopped playing nice with the blog platform, almost like it were taken over by armed vigilante health care professionals ::see-no-evil emoji::
me IRL
PREVIOUSLY ON TEEN WOLF
Basically:
Waverly Earp calling all bad things 'balls' is my new faith system
A run-down: Scott and Malia simultaneously realized they mutually wanted to start smooching one another! And that is the end of the list of good things. In terms of literally everything else, Gerard's/Tamora's neo-Hunter army (aka all of Beacon Hills) continues to whip itself into a paranoid, terrified frenzy of racial supremacy—and now they are armed! Mama McCall almost died when Grant, posing as Nolan, shot up a pack meeting in her living room, but the fact that Melissa, Mason, and Scott's FBI dad all were nearly human sacrifices in this insane war on the supernaturals gave Tamora previsely zero pause. In fact, she responded by getting Gabe to murder a fellow classmate, and then staging a coup of Stilinski's sheriff's department! Considering she had these skewed loyalties in place already, one might now question the wisdom in staging that armed reverse-hostage situation a few weeks back when she could have started with the coup and wasted a lot less Federal good will, but also humans in the grips of primal terror/anger are not notorious for their consistent critical thinking! Meanwhile, the Anog Ité is sowing extra terror from the shadows, and has also found its other half hidden in a pack of mystery werewolves, but then left it behind? Somehow? But is now looking for it to join forces and become the ultimate, unbeatable fear demon. Also one thousand other things, not least of which is that they/her subconscious keep fucking sending Lydia alone to Eichen House. It's so much! And we have very few red shirts left in play!
So yes, as Waverly so precisely put it: the situation IS balls.
6x18
AWARDS
THIS WEEK'S WOLF PACK PUPPY
Either Halwyn or Quinn, but only because this one episode was the absolute last time either of them could be eligible. Because they died! That's what happened! They died, and they did nothing to help the pack, but no one did anything to help them, so. Life's tough.
BEST REACTION TO SOMETHING SUPERNATURALLY RIDICULOUS
Definitely Malia's repeated, ultra-elementary attempt to force the connection between Lydia and Halwyn to rekindle by slapping Lydia's hand all over the almost-dead Hellhound's ripped, naked torso.
I know he is (almost-)dead, but this still FEELS like sexual assault? I know, I know, priorities. And also, his subconscious keeps dragging Lydia into half-naked fugue states all over an increasingly armed and dangerous Beacon Hills! Really, the one person getting regularly assaulted here is Lydia. Malia! Stop forcing Lydia to do things she doesn't want to do! But also, Malia, never stop being you.
WEEKLY REMINDER THAT BEACON HILLS IS ON A HELLMOUTH
The Anog Ité's soul-entwining ritual turned out to be fatal domestic violence!! COOL. SO GREAT. AWESOME.
REIGNING PRESIDENT OF THE SCOTT MCCALL FAN CLUB
Mason, I think? Because Saint Isaac Abroad, what human would trust Theo enough to go exploring in the haunted Hunter tunnels with him alone BUT with Scott McCall's explicit encouragement/tacit endorsement???
BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Moms.
is this fan-fiction???
Yes, okay, that's actually from Tyler Posey's appearance on Last Call with Carson Daly, and I don't even know when it aired or if it was about this week's doubleheader, but whatever!!!! TEEN WOLF IS FOR EVERYONE.
THIS WEEK, TAKE ONE
Here is what happened in the first hour of the last ever Teen Wolf doubleheader: Mason and Theo dragged each other's weaknesses while searching the Tunnels Of No Return for Aaron, while Scott and Liam staked out Liam's Biology class to out Ms. Finch as a secret wolfpack matriarch, while Lydia and Malia played Morgue and then played Nurse to try and get Halwyn back from the almost-dead.
is this fan-fiction
It took a whole hour, but it boiled down to not much really happening! Yes, apparently Ms. Finch HAS been a werewolf this whole time—and not only a werewolf, but an alpha, which we finally learned when Scott used his normal human compassion (rather than his True Alpha eyes) to compel her to trigger her latent healing after her own Anog-Ité-possessed daughter ripped half her guts out. Ms. Finch is an example of what self-hatred and extreme repression will do to a person, cutting off their ability to feel productive compassion for others, letting people die rather than risk their own necks.
I keep joke-questioning how there have been so many other supernaturals in town all this time without Scott's pack knowing about any of them (like that random girl who raced out of Biology when Liam turned on the Argent hunting siren!), but I am for real finally seeing the answer: Scott's pack only knows about the very brave, and the very bad. His pack is the heroes stepping up to defend everyone against true evil; the rest of the supernaturals are the moderates Dr. King warned us about. In which case, Malia's AND Theo's participation and respective arcs of growth are all the more impressive.
Take note, Mason! Theo's bad, but he could be SO MUCH WORSE!
So Scott and Liam were totally wrong about who in Ms. Finch's pack the Anog Ité was, which makes sense because why would that person have left a voicemail on her own phone? Equally confounding, how could Liam possibly use that same phone, which turned out to be Quinn's, to CALL Quinn to lure her to the school? And while we're at it, what possible make of earplugs would be both strong enough to block the piercing shrill of an Argent sound spike at close range, but STILL allow Scott's murmurings from the hall on the other side of a closed door to come through loud and clear???
Teen wolves! That's not how communication technology works! That's not how anything works!
Anyway, the second half of the Anog Ité is Quinn, and her roars of pain are communicated psychically (now THAT one I'll believe) to Aaron, fighting Theo and kind of Mason in the tunnels, and no one can stop them finding each other in the BHHS library, and definitely no one can stop them from kissing each other's faces, and FOR SURE no one can stop them punching each other's faces right after kissing them and then starting a fight to the death and then Aaron breaking Quinn's neck and taking her half of the fear spiders for himself. And now that it is whole, no one can even LOOK at the Anog Ité to try to stop it, because if they do, they'll be turned into stone!
If only Halwyn had inscribed THAT warning on his Eichen House cell wall, rather than an obtuse half-mystically-enshrouded abstract drawing of the monster's face(s). Thanks a lot, silver-poisoned Hellhound!
Yep, so now the Anog Ité is ultra-unbeatable. Time for Episode #2!
6x19
AWARDS
THIS WEEK'S WOLF PACK PUPPY
Derek! Ethan! Nolan! Sydney! Corey, just because he is finally back and I missed him so much!!! UGH CAN'T CHOOSE, TOO HARD.
BEST REACTION TO SOMETHING SUPERNATURALLY RIDICULOUS
Just ::circles palm in general direction of Derek's face:: everything…Derek.
WEEKLY REMINDER THAT BEACON HILLS IS ON A HELLMOUTH
Not even the Demon Wolf (or his incredibly intricate and strudy knit sweater-armor) could survive it.
REIGNING PRESIDENT OF THE SCOTT MCCALL FAN CLUB
Scott himself, with a big (last) assist from Deucalion. Sometimes you have to mortally attack the ones you love, you know?
Oh also Derek, but he can't sweep ALL the awards, man.
BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Honestly??? Derek Hale!
is THIS fan-fiction
What a gloriously dramatic dummy hero. I'll take a dozen, please.
THIS WEEK, TAKE TWO
And here is what happens in the second half of the doubleheader: Chris Argent resurfaces in Brazil of all places, where he tracks down Derek Hale by way of a 1) a local police contact, 2) a local mass murder of biker dudes??, and 3) Derek's shiny, barn-busting sportscar.
Pictured: Reigning President of the DEREK HALE Fan Club!
Meanwhile, Scott and Malia entreat Deucalion to train them in the art of fighting blind (seems like this should have been a priority years ago, just on the OFF chance something like this would happen, Scott!), Lydia has more bad Banshee dreams and Whose On Firsts her way around them with Peter Hale as they bond over realizing Tamora's neo-Hunters have taken down the local cell networks, and Liam and NOLAN???? team up to try and dismantle the neo-Hunters from within. Apparently when Liam didn't kill Nolan at the abandoned zoo, they made a pact that Nolan would help them? I don't remember this AT ALL. But whatever.
So how do all these plans go?
Fighting Blind: It is not easy, and makes Deucalion wish he were blind again! Also he makes the very good point at the outset that human nature will make anyone open their eyes at the slightest hint of danger, so even knowing how to fight blind won't necessarily do any good, but then he makes them eventually take off the blindfolds he gave them to practice with, like they were some sort of mystical training wheel. Scot DOES succeed, but doing it unblindfolded seems like an unnecessary risk to take!
The Unholy Teamup: Despite Tamora making it seem like she trusts Nolan when she is using Ethan's exhausted, bloody wolfiness to propagandize to a crowd of regular Beacon Hills citizens (including our dear Sydney!!!) on the imminent threat they are all under, it turns out it was all a set-up!
Nolan runs straight to Liam with the information of a bunch of unidentified supernaturals being hooked up in the ICU to wolfsbane drips (ick), at which point Liam calls up Mason and Corey for backup, at which point Gabe corners and then thoroughly pummels Nolan as payback to betraying the humans murderous neo-Hunter zealots. Whoops!
Brazil: Derek makes Chris beg for his help, then says he'd only be going back for Scott's sake, anyway. Also he was in Brazil to track down a giant vial of yellow wolfsbane serum, which he and Chris have a back-and-forth about that is so obtuse that I have no idea what its purpose is, but it doesn't totally matter because BANG BANG BANG suprise!!! The FBI is there but then the FBI is dead beacuse the FBI was infiltrated by one Kate Argent and she shot those suckers in the back and Derek and Chris in the arm and now she has stolen the yellow wolfsbane and NO, Chris, she is not going to use it to try to buy back Gerard's love, you idiot—she's going to use it in a revenge bullet for Scott! Because Kate Argent HATES that Scott has survived as a good guy! It's insane, as always, and almost makes me see Tamora Monroe's point. But then I remember that Tamora is even more unhinged, and that the world of morality is gray, and whatever! I guess!
Lydia's Vision: All death and destruction, the Anog Ité turning everyone in the pack, even SCOTT, to stone. And then she and Peter barely find Scott and Malia to warn them that the war has officially started when a truck of neo-Hunters show up an open fire—straight into Deucalion's chest! He falls, the rest scatter to hide, and then BAM! Roscoe the Jeep plows into them, and Stiles and Derek are back!
NEXT TIME
WAR.
Oh, and also Stiles.
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