Well, this happened.
Um, I'm not even going to lie to y'all right now; I totally rewatched the last few minutes of last week's episode again. Because KISSING! And then DEACON ABS! Like, I'm about two episodes away from making one of those fan videos set to Sarah McLaughlin on youtube, or something. I'm glad Posh took over last week's ep, cause all you would have gotten out of me was a lot of exclamation marks and maybe some drool.
First, a recap of last night's events:
- Juliette has hired a private security firm to . . . well, I'm not really sure what she's hired them to do. She doesn't exactly want them to find Dante, and she seems to not care about the money (she can, after all, make back the half a million in two nights. Allow me to speak on behalf of every person reading this when I say "go fuck yourself, Juliette.") . . . I guess she's hired them to ensure that news of the scandal doesn't leak? Her assistant interrupts her to say she's been nominated for Female Vocalist of the Year for the CMA awards. Juliette's pleased, but her reaction is nothing like Jennifer Lawrence's adorable Oscars nom reaction. Maybe she needs to be wearing a track suit? Also, Juliette tells Jolene about Dante's theft but shuts her down when she tries to express any sympathy at all. Fuck, Juliette, why don't you just replace her with a robot? And then Juliette drinks a lot of mimosas when she's trying on dresses, which Jolene admonishes her for, although not because mimosas make you bloat and are not great for trying on outfits.
- Rayna and Deacon are in post-coitus bliss and talking about how nothing's changed in the last 14 years since they last did it. Really? Well, allow me again to speak on behalf of our lady readers who have had children when I say, "That's encouraging." The only person who can interrupt their snuggling without raising my immediate ire is Maddie, so it's a good thing she calls her mom to tell her she's been nominated for Female Vocalist of the Year. Maddie also tries to talk her way into skipping school to go shopping for the occassion. That's my girl!
- Meanwhile, in the home life! We learn that 9 is Daphne's favorite number, and that Maddie's school has a father/daughter dance still, even though she's, what, a freshman in high school? Are father/daughter dances actually a thing? I think I successfully blocked any I might have had in my childhood because there's no way in hell my dad would attend one with me. The shoe's on the other foot in the Nashville world; it's Maddie who doesn't want to attend with Teddy, but he advises her not to punish herself while trying to punish him. That's the one thing about Teddy - no matter how gross and creepy and oily and sleazy he is about business or Peeeggghhhyyy, he's a pretty damn good dad. You can see why a pregnant and abandoned Rayna married him, you know? When they eventually do go, they bond and dance badly and it's ADORBS.
- Gay Cowboy Will is downstairs scamming coffee off of Scarlett, which is sort of brave of him, considering the events of the night previous. He tries to play it off around Gunnar, like he was soooo drunk, but Gunnar isn't buying it. Scarlett, for her part, is totally confused about the shift in dynamic.
- Tandy comes over to the house to congratulate Rayna and hear the big news. The stark realities of the day have set in for Rayna and Tandy reminds her that it's always all or nothing with Deacon and Rayna. Is Rayna ready for that? And, meanwhile, Coleman is saying the same to Deacon! Coleman adds the bonus of comparing Rayna to booze. Romantic!
- Juliette wants a full media campaign in re: her award. How Melissa Leo of her. She wants Marshall's promise that Edgehill will campaign more for her than Rayna, but he diplomatically refuses to take sides. So she'll just spend all her own money campaigning! This involves sending the CMA committee fucking BOBBLEHEADS of herself, as well as bottles of Dom. Well, damn, now I sort of want to be on the committee.
- Coleman meets Tandy and tells her that he's not going to play her little reindeer games. He thought she was better than Daddy Lamar! Damn, Coleman's cutting deep on the Wyatt ladies tonight! Except! Later he resigns from Teddy's office! Teddy is piiiiiiissed.
- Avery still exists, so that's a thing. He's jamming (a very emo song) with some of the road crew when whoever's taken over Dante's job yells at them.
- Deacon returns home to find Dr FeelBleh feeding Sue. He not-so-gently dumps her. And then he gives her the dog! This is a TRAGEDY. Deacon, THAT IS YOUR DOG, YO. I kinda see what Coleman means about Rayna being an addiction, if this is how Deacon's going to act.
- Gunnar meets the producer who wanted to cut his demo and can't interest him in his sappy love songs, only his Nickleback-esque swagger. He has to miss the Edgehill party because of it, but Big Gay Will offers to escort her. Now that Gunnar knows that Big Gay Will is Big and Gay, he's fine with it! Gunnar acts like an outlaw with the demo producer. Well, he's no Man in Black. But Scarlett seems to like his new sound. Until she learns it's Jason's song, that is.
- Teddy comes over to escort Maddie to the Father/Daughter dance and Rayna tells him about her thing with Deacon. He's all, "you can't date him! THE TRUTH WILL OUT!" But then Maddie interrupts them, looking FABULOUS and very grown up in her silver dress. When she runs out to put on her lip gloss, Teddy makes Rayna promise that she'll "honor the deal [they] made" the day Maddie was born, presumably never, ever to tell Deacon that Maddie is his.
- It's time for the Edgehill party! Juliette's drunk on vodka cause she's sad about Dante! And at first I think it's filled with terrible dancers, but that turns out to be Maddie's father/daughter dance. Marshall tells a drunk Juliette that she needs someone to be her manager. And while Rayna and Deacon are having a little bit of a thing, Juliette interrupts them to drunkenly demand Deacon get on stage. And he quits and storms off! So she hires Avery to play guitar for her! She and he both pull off the song, which is disappointing, since I was hoping for at least some vomit or, I don't know, spontaneous combustion. Later, she and Avery sit by themselves, swigging vodka, and he helps her to her limo. And then turns down her invitation for sex. Which actually makes Avery more honorable than Juliette. Weird.
- Also, Tandy and Bucky are totally doing it, y'all! Cute!
- Deacon finds Rayna and tells her that he doesn't care what she's hiding from him; all that matters is the two of them. And then they make out in the back of a limo! Man! Why don't I ever get to make out with Deacon in the back of a limo?
- At the end of the night, Juliette's trashed and Jolene takes care of her. But her problems aren't over . . . Dante calls, and he has a TAPE.
Best Rayna James Line:
"Honey, that perfume you're wearing is 80 proof."
Rayna vs Juliette:
Um, no question, again, obviously. Juliette: lost half a mil, sent bobbleheads of herself to grown adults and tried to proposition AVERY of all people. Rayna got to have sex with Deacon THRICE in this episode (by my count) for the low, low price of not telling him that he fathered her eldest child!
Best Scene:
Can I give it to the last scene of Rayna and Deacon at the end? First, they were singing that one song I really like. Second, Rayna was wearing only a shirt, and girl has thighs like WHAT WHAT WHAT. And third, I'm pretty sure they were about to have sex, or just had sex, or possibly both of those things.
Best Sub-Plot:
Um, OBVIOUSLY I'm give it to the Father/Daughter dance. Maddie was so fancy in her dress! Plus I'm a sucker for actual father/daughter bonding on TV. And, y'all, the D key on this computer keyboard sticks a bit and I just wrote "father/daughter boning" which I just want to assure everyone I AM NOT A SUCKER FOR.
WTF:
- WTF, Juliette, you were going to sleep with AVERY. AVERY. I am sorry but that is actually the worst thing you've ever tried to do.
- I don't even have any more WTFs because SERIOUSLY? SLEEPING WITH AVERY? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Burning Questions:
- Exactly how long will it take Rayna to cave and tell Deacon about Maddie? And what happens then?
- Why are we still having to deal with Dante at all?
- How mad is Juliette going to be that her sex tape isn't with Ray J?
Y'all, these next two weeks look INTENSE. SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE. I mean, someone other than poor dead Jason, that is. Discuss below!