BOOK REPORT for Sweet by Emmy Laybourne

Cover Story: Motion Sick
BFF Charm: Hell No
Swoonworthy Scale: 2
Talky Talk: Fast and Furious
Bonus Factors: Swearing Off Sodas
Relationship Status: Toxic Love

Cover Story: Motion Sick

I find this cover very disorienting - although that could be my wicked motion sickness kicking in (seriously, I don't even have to be moving to feel motion sick...it's really sad, actually). It's thematic, but not particularly memorable. MEH.

The Deal:

Laurel's wealthy and generous BFF, Viv, scored them both tickets to the most exclusive, celebrity-filled luxury cruise of the year: the "Cruise to Lose," sponsored by brand new diet sweetener Solu. It's being billed as the biggest cruise "since the Titanic" (personal aside: OMINOUS, MUCH?). Viv can't wait to see if Solu lives up to it's promised effect of making you lose 5% of your body weight in just a few days. Laurel, comfortable in her own skin, is more hesitant. She's having plenty of fun as it is - because the hottest guy on the boat, famous former-child-star-turned-hottie Tom Fiorelli is there, hosting entertainment TV segments - and he seems to find Laurel just as interesting as she finds him.

But while Laurel is preoccupied with Tom, Viv starts acting strange. She's losing tons of weight...maybe too much weight. Suddenly, everyone around them is acting weird, and Laurel - who was always too seasick to try Solu - and Tom (who's skeptical of diet drugs) are the only ones who seem to notice. The skinnier the people get, the weirder things seem, until suddenly, the dream Cruise to Lose becomes something straight out of a nightmare.

And then shizz gets real.

BFF Charm: Hell No

Ooooooookey dokey. Here's the deal: Laurel is sweet (no pun intended) (well, I guess that really wasn't much of a pun...anyway). Like, she's friendly and supportive; she knows her friend Viv well enough to tease her and lay off sometimes, and she's admirably comfortable with her own body. I like that. Laurel knows that her worth is not determined by her dress size, but she understands that Viv struggles with her own self confidence. So that's great.

BUT.

Girl, I would not want to be Laurel's BFF in this book! Laurel is nice and all, but JEEZ LOUISE, when shizz hits the fan and people are going nuts and there's blood everywhere, Laurel sort of dumps Viv. Viv is clearly addicted to Solu - and Laurel either just doesn't get the seriousness of the situation, or she's too wrapped up in flirting with Tom until it is way, way too late. So yeah - she's nice and all - I guess - but TBH, Laurel's BFFs don't fare so well. So I think I'll politely decline this one.

Swoonworthy Scale: 2

Um, yeah - I mean, Tom the Former Child Star-turned-Entertainment Host is great - he's hot (check that six pack!) and sensitive. He appreciates Laurel for her kind spirit and inner confidence, and he isn't even tempted by super-hot reality star and Brazilian heiress, Sabbi Ribiero. He and Laurel have some genuinely steamy moments...well, would-be steamy. Because I'll be honest: the insane, terrifying, all-too-possible DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON going on all around them kinda killed the mood for me.

Talky Talk: Fast and Furious

This book is not a comedy, and it's not a horror book. It's a dark - like, really really dark - comedy. Honestly, I'm not even entirely comfortable with calling it a dark comedy, because I didn't find it that funny - mostly just freaking terrifying - but there was an unsettling note that I can't quite put my finger on. And the terror - y'all, the terror - I can't - like, I called my husband at work to tell him about it and basically have him reassure me that everything's fine. This was like, just-read-IT level of terror, where you're too scared to go to the bathroom. Maybe I'm just a scaredy cat, but the absolute most terrifying thing to me, in the world, is the thing that could actually happen. And this? This crazy spiral into insane, bloody, ugliest-side-of-humanity chaos? It could totally happen. Could. Not. Put. It. Down.

Bonus Factors: Swearing Off Sodas

I really don't want to spoil any of the particulars here, because part of the attraction of this book is the building dread as we discover just what Solu does to the body...but I can say this: it's a diet drug, and later a diet soda. I read this book, and I was too scared to touch a soda for, like, weeks. Nooooooo thank you, I'll stick to water! 

Casting Call:

Mae Whitman as Laurel

Zac Effron as Tom

Sorry, I seriously could not picture anyone else.

Relationship Status: Toxic Love

Book, I don't know what to say. I love horror, and you scared the bejeezus out of me. I think we might have a bit of a toxic relationship going on - I couldn't stay away from you, but you def. gave me nightmares!

FTC Full Disclosure: I received my review copy from Feiwel & Friends. I received neither money nor Cadbury Creme Eggs for this review. Sweet is available June 2.

The Witch Hunter is out today, and we're excited to share the book trailer with you! Author Virginia Boecker was nice enough to answer some questions about the book (and the sequel!) for us. If you haven't read it yet, check out the trailer and my review.

The Trailer

The Questions

You've mentioned that spending time in England inspired The Witch Hunter, which takes place in a world based on Reformation-era England. What about that time period caught your attention and sparked your imagination? If time travel were possible, would you want to visit?

I’ve always been interested in history—and, by extension, historical fiction. I tend to be most interested in stories set time periods with a lot of inherent conflict: the American Civil War, World War II, The War of the Roses, The Reformation. These are tough, unforgiving, hard times where exploitation and violence loom large—the perfect setting for a fantastical story. I was particularly interested in Reformation-era England because it was fascinating to me to see science portrayed as witchcraft, the violence meted out in the name of religion (still relevant in today’s world), but also having proximity to the source. Living in England allowed me to experience many of the places I’d previously only read about, which helped me to really feel the details of time period—something I hope translates directly to the story.

If I could visit any time in history, it would be 1533-1536: I want to witness the rise and fall of Anne Boleyn, Henry VIII’s third wife and the mother of Elizabeth I. Second to that would be 1559: Elizabeth’s coronation. It marks the beginning of the Golden Age of England, and what I see as Anne Boleyn’s redemption.

Elizabeth initially has a black-and-white perception of witchcraft, due to her training, but learns that not everything is as it seems. It's such a great metaphor for growing up and being exposed to other cultures and viewpoints. Have you ever had a similar experience?

I grew up in a very conservative area of the country, where people have extremely set, societal views of what they believe to be right and wrong. These beliefs were passed down to me and I never challenged them…until we moved to another area of the country that was far more liberal. Being exposed to diametrically opposed thoughts and ideas was eye-opening and educational, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cause conflict at home. But breaking free of the things you’re taught in order to define your own truth, while difficult at any age, is an essential part of being a teen: it’s discovering who you want to be as an adult.

Can you give us any teasers on where Elizabeth's adventures might take her next?

Without being spoiler-y, I can tell you that in Book 2 Elizabeth will lose something very close to her, we are introduced to two new characters, we will see an old character in a new light, and everyone will learn what it means to start over.

Sounds exciting! Thanks for stopping by, Virginia!

Welcome back to the YA Movie News Roundup! Let's do it. 

Eddie Redmayne has been cast as Newt Scamander in JK Rowling's upcoming Harry Potter spinoff Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. Redmayne's good casting because a) he's a wonderful actor and b) his face looks kind of magical and otherworldly. Harry Potter alum David Yates will direct, and this will be Rowling's first screenplay.

Lumberjanes is going to be a movie!

EL James isn't done with Fifty Shades yet - she's rewriting the series from Christian Grey's point of view. Including here because this will probably be a movie again at some point.

The Paper Towns trailer debuts during Pretty Little Liars tonight - stay tuned for FYA's writeup!

Love this new Mockingjay Part 2 poster.

Sofia Coppola is off the live-action Little Mermaid movie, which is kind of a bummer. 

Ransom Riggs talks Tim Burton's Miss Peregrine movie and debuts the cover for Library of Souls. FYA review here.

Not quite YA but relevant to our interests: 

Sarah Michelle Gellar, Reese Witherspoon and Selma Blair had the most awesome Cruel Intentions reunion/girls night, in which SMG and Selma recreated their kiss because they know what goes viral. Reese's face is MY FAVORITE.

 

'I Kissed A Girl, Again, And I Liked It!!' @SarahMGellar & @TheRealSelmaBlair rekindled that #CruelIntentions Big Screen Magic tonight w/ @ReeseWitherspoon when they attended the Sold Out performance of @CruelIntentionsMusical at the @LA_Rockwell! Such an amazing fun night w/ these phenomenal ladies! / Photograph By @Bradley206 #BradEverettYoung #DreamLoudOfficial / #SarahMichelleGellar #Katherine #SelmaBlair #Cecile #ReeseWitherspoon #Annette #CruelIntentionsMusical #LARockwell #Kiss #Cruel #Intentions #Brad #Everett #Young #Photography #Sony / Photo taken w/ the @Sony #A3000

A photo posted by Brad Everett Young (@bradley206) on

May 29, 2015 at 1:27am PDT

 

Best girls night of the year!!! #cruelintentions

A photo posted by Reese Witherspoon (@reesewitherspoon) on

May 28, 2015 at 8:08pm PDT

Juicy, behind-the-scenes of The Bachelor fiction UnReal debuted on Lifetime last night, and I wrote a preview piece about it. Posh has seen this show and heartily endorses it!

And finally, Dance Academy re-cuts of The Duff and If I Stay trailers:

That's it for this week - give us your thoughts downstairs!

BOOK REPORT for More Happy Than Not by Adam Silvera

Cover Story: Smiley Big Face
BFF Charm: Big Sister
Swoonworthy Scale: 3
Talky Talk: He Said
Trigger Warnings: Suicide, Self-Harm, Sexual Identity Issues
Bonus Factor: Near-Future Technology
Relationship Status: Tearing Up

More Happy Than Not might not make you all that happy, but it’s an important and moving read.

Check out my full review over at our series on Kirkus.

Previously, on iZombie: The brain of a mental patient leads Liv to discover that there’s video of her first meal as a zombie—and it’s not pretty. Also not pretty: her hallucination of Major being totally understanding about her whole undead situation.

This is the last episode before the season finale, and the team behind iZombie is already causing me angina.

The Brain

Kimber Cooper, a high school cheerleader is found dismembered in the woods after she and her friends hit and kill (or so they think) a man who stumbles out of the woods. Later, Nate, one of said friends and her illicit hookup, is found dead in the storage unit his band practices in.

The Real Monster

Sebastian the Max Rager enforcer is back—and he’s a zombie. He killed both Kimber and Nate for their part in the car accident … or so we think, until the end of the episode when Teresa is called to the hotel by Cameron—post Sebastian’s death—and attacked.

Gifts from Beyond

Thanks to Kimber’s brain, Liv gains a peppy perspective, a tendency to overuse the word “like” and other teenage slang, and a nearly spooky ability to connect with teenagers.

Thanks to Nate’s brain, Liv becomes a total stoner.

Life of the Dead

- Major goes undercover as a Health Inspector to check out Meat Cute, which arouses the suspicions of Candy Man. Major buys more guns out of the trunk of a car—because that worked out so well the first time—and later listens to self-help tapes while on stakeout. Unfortunately, he’s not nearly a slick as he’d like to think, and gets captured by the Candy Man.

- Peyton and Liv reconnect a little, thanks to Kimber’s brain, but the relationship becomes even more strained when Peyton is attacked in their home by Sebastian, and then sees Liv go full zombie and kill him. Liv explains what she is, and tries to reassure Peyton that she wouldn’t hurt her, but Peyton flees from the house regardless.

- Peyton and Ravi’s relationship continues to progress, to the point where they made plans for a romantic getaway in San Francisco, seeing the Vertigo sights. Sadly, the trip is cut short after Liv’s confession to Peyton.

- Evan (Liv’s little brother) drops an application off at Meat Cute, and Zombie!Sark gets excited when he notices that Evan’s emergency contact is Liv. Zombie!Sark offers Evan a job … but what kind of job remains to be seen.

Words With a Bite

“I took four years of German just so that I could sit behind her and smell her hair.”—Ravi

“Hope’s dead. How on the nose.” —Liv

“I kind of have a contact sad.”—Liv

“Yes, please! Let’s be politically correct when speaking of zombies.”—Ravi

“I’m afraid this ends with me feeling for lumps in a place I don’t want to be feeling.”—Major

Eating Smart

Liquified brain shooters go down easier when they’re hidden by cold Mexican hot chocolate.

And brains on pizza is a bad idea when there’s a hungry Det. Babineaux around.

Picking Your Brain

- Of note: The CW really does reuse its stars—two of the three members of the Asshats had roles in other CW shows: Rhys Ward played Atom (R.I.P.) on The 100 and Bex Taylor-Klaus was Sin on Arrow.

- Was that really a zombie killed in the instructional video Major watched?

- Did anyone else think, for a moment, that Spike was lurking in Peyton’s mirror?

- Why is Liv and Evan’s mom not his emergency contact?

- Is anyone not thinking that Evan’s going to come out of this being able to add "undead" to his résumé?

Let’s discuss below.

Last week, on The O.C.

Follow the whole rewatch here!

Welcome back to The O.C. Rewatch Project! Last week, Meredith asked me how I feel about HAM Ryan (which is now, and will forever be his new tough guy name), and no, she is not alone. I also have some strong crush-y feelings for angry Ryan. More punching! More brooding! More rage!

Let's drink to punching things!

The O.C. Drinking Game

Drink Once every time:

The ladies have a convo while primping in front of a mirror

Seth makes a nerdy reference

Ryan wears a wife-beater

Anyone plays a video game

Summer says "ew"

Anyone eats a bagel

Anyone references The Valley

Drink Twice every time:

Someone says "Newpsie"

Fisticuffs occur (three times for pool fights!)

Someone grabs a cup of coffee

Ryan and Seth read comic books

Someone reminds us that Kaitlin Cooper exists

3.08 "The Game Plan"

College is the word of the week, as just about everyone is struggling with selecting a place to begin their future - some place that isn't Newport.

Seth is the only one who really seems to have it figured out - Seth has always wanted to get as far away from California as possible, which is why he's chosen Brown. Unfortunately for Summer, Taylor the Terror is also thinking of going to Brown, and is gleefully rubbing Summer's nose in it. (Okay, "rubbing her nose in Brown" is a terrible mental image and for that I am sorry.)

Meanwhile, Marissa isn't sure she wants to go to college at all, and she's kind of being a huge whiny baby about the whole thing. It's understandable that she was scarred by the assault, but the thing that's really bothering her is that she shot Trey (MMM WHAT YA SAYYY), and she can't deal with having to explain it on her admissions essay. So Ryan and Johnny plot to convince Marissa to talk to the guidance counselor, which - of course - makes her totally freak out on them for trying to be good friends. After she throws a huge fit and has a miniature mental breakdown, she comes around and tells Ryan "I realized after you were probably just trying to help." JEEZY CREEZY MARISSA, YOU THINK SO? Ugh.

Anyway, Johnny and Chili tell Marissa to come to their surf contest and see how she feels about their surf bro culture, and maybe she can join them for Johnny's extreme sports world tour or whatever, and Ryan gets his panties in a bunch because he thinks Johnny is encouraging Marissa to ditch college altogether - all of this leads to Johnny running after Ryan and getting slammed by a car, so now his knee is busted and he might never surf again. He seems to be pretty optimistic about it right now, but this is The O.C. so you know this is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.

Summer resigns herself to the fact that she can't get into a school as great as Brown and might as well stay on the West Coast, but Taylor - of all people - convinces her that there are other options, like Providence College, which will accept Summer and which is only 20 minutes from Brown. Summer is right to be skeptical of her kindness, but Taylor the Terror realizes she needs friendship more than she needs to meddle and try to steal boyfriends. I love this new friendship.

Julie gets evicted from her fancy condo and has to move into a trailer park - and horror of all horrors, she has to drive her own U-Haul.

Kirsten does some great detective work and follows Julie to her new home: a trailer park. That's where we meet the landlord, Gus, who is my new favorite character. He had dreams once. Kirsten offers to start a new business with Julie - it would get Kirsten out of the kitchen and it would help Julie get back on her feet, but when Julie tells Kirsten what really went down with Charlotte, it all falls apart for about five minutes until Kirsten realizes that Julie is actually a good person now - hence why she is living in a trailer park.

Sandy invites his old Berkeley pal over for dinner, and one by one everyone politely leaves the dinner table - Seth talks to Summer and they decided to go to Rhode Island together; Kirsten goes to see Julie about this new business thing; Seth pulls Sandy aside for a heart to heart about Seth's future (this is super sweet); and Marissa shows up to talk to Ryan about going to college together. Eventually, Sandy's friend is left at the table alone, which is pretty rude, you guys. BUT! He overhears Marissa talking about her traumatic experience and encourages her and Ryan to apply to Berkeley together. It all works out for everyone!

And Seth and Summer are going to look real cute at college in Rhode Island together:

How many times did I have to drink? 8

Kirsten speaks truth to power: "I need to get out of the kitchen." She may just be bored, but she's unwittingly dismantling the patriarchy.

Cute Seth Cohen is the cutest: Look at this photo of mini-Seth! AWWWW.

Julie Cooper, still keepin' it real:

Taylor is a nerd: Taylor watches Kieslowski films. I would totally hang out with Taylor.

3.09 "The Disconnect"

The boys in this episode are Dumb with a capital D. Even Sandy Cohen does something a little ignorant (for a brief moment - very brief), but we'll get to that later. First, Kirsten and Julie are trying to come up with new business ideas, and Julie's mind is constantly in the gutter. Bless her.

It's hard to figure out what the people of Newport don't already have, but I like the way Julie is approaching this from a different angle. Sex does sell, you know.

As it turns out, Summer is kind of a smarty pants. I mean, we all already knew this - it's part of what makes her so endearing. But Seth is genuinely surprised by her 2300 SAT score, which is higher than his own.

This means that Summer could get into Brown if she wanted to; in fact, she has a better shot at it than Seth does. So they both attend the meet and greet with the admissions rep from Brown, who informs them that on average, only one student from Harbor gets in per year. What sets this student apart is a "hook," a special talent or extracurricular involvement. Summer yanks her old tuba out of the closet and Seth decides to worm his way into the drama club, and the pair of them charmingly bicker in the hallway because being smart was the one thing Seth did better than Summer - seriously, dude? Like, Seth is also great at drawing comic books, and Summer doesn't do that, so why can't it just be that? Why does he need to be smarter than Summer? Why can't he accept - and be DELIGHTED - that his girlfriend is intelligent? JEEZY CREEZY, COHEN.

This behavior is really awful. As with all lame-o behavior, Seth's comes from a place of insecurity and fear, and they both decide to apply at Brown and move forward together, no matter what happens. Why did anyone ever doubt Summer? She did save Chrismukkah, after all.

And! I think it's notable that both Ryan and Sandy are the ones who have to keep reminding Seth that she saved Chrismukkah - they're not surprised at her smarts.

Meanwhile, Marissa is spending a lot of time with Johnny because he's shacked up at home with his busted knee. In the last episode, Johnny was so optimistic and had such a great attitude about this whole situation, and now he's a total Debbie Downer - even worse because Marissa is around so much and he has Major Feelings for her. It's hard to believe Marissa could be this naive, but here we are. She uses her Newport connections (Summer's dad, a surgeon) to get Johnny an earlier appointment with a specialist, and accidentally crashes next to Johnny on his couch while watching movies and waiting for Ryan to show up. Johnny tells Summer he's in love with Marissa, but there's not much Summer can do about that, and then he tells Marissa he's in love with her, and there's not much Marissa can do about that. I do support her decision to take a break from him for a while, although that's probably not going to last at all.

And Ryan hasn't been around much because he took an internship with Sandy and Matt, the latter of whom is currently nursing a broken heart - his girlfriend dumped him when he took the job and moved from Chicago to California. So Matt takes Ryan out after work the night before a big meeting with prospective investors...to a strip club. Ryan gets a reluctant lap dance (Reluctant Lap Dance: The Ryan Atwood Story) and winds up bailing on Marissa, and Matt screws up at the meeting and almost loses his job if not for the benevolence of the great Sandy Cohen.

It's also thanks to Matt's stripper friend, who pops by Sandy's office to explain why Matt's been having issues at work - she's an old friend of his, and as it turns out, she's a college graduate who's stripping to make her way through law school, and she's the one who introduced Matt to the investors. Sandy and Ryan are super surprised that a college graduate could be a stripper - which is ridiculous, since these two were the only ones who didn't seem surprised that Summer could be smart. There's a whole lot of underestimating/undervaluing women this week, and it's kind of awful.

As for Kirsten and Julie, their party planning idea doesn't exactly pan out - their first client hires them just so he can get Julie to his place for a date, but that gives Kirsten a genius idea: a high class dating service for the Newport elite.

I love it when these two get together.

How many times did I have to drink? 6

Most recognizable song: I had totally forgotten that Client's "Come On" existed until the strip club scene this week.

Best pop culture reference: The stripper who plops down on Ryan's lap is dressed like a cop and calls herself Sipowicz. Sadly, she does not show us her butt.

Sandy Cohen is the best:

SETH, NO: This is the moment when I question my love of Seth Cohen forever.

That's all for this week! As always, a question for Meredith: how did you feel about all this weird sexism amongst our typically nice boys? I thought it was good to see the series address these sorts of assumptions about ladies, but it also seems a bit odd.

Okay guys, check back next week as Meredith covers "The Chrismukkah Bar-Mitzvahkkah" and "The Safe Harbor"!

BOOK REPORT for Uprooted by Naomi Novik

Cover Story: Grimm
BFF Charm: Yay to Platinum
Swoonworthy Scale: 8*
Talky Talk: Fairy Tale
Bonus Factors: Character Growth, Magic
Relationship Status: On Holiday

Cover Story: Grimm

If this cover doesn’t scream “I am a fairy tale,” then I don’t know what does.

The Deal:

Every 10 years, the Dragon—skilled wizard and lord of the land—takes a young woman back to his castle. What he does with the young woman, no one is exactly sure, but when they return, they’re changed. They swear that nothing untoward happens, but there’s an unmistakable difference in their demeanors, and they never stick around home for too long.

For as long as she can remember, Agnieszka has been preparing for the day when the Dragon comes to choose a new companion. But Agnieszka isn’t worried for herself—her friend Kasia, who is beautiful and graceful and everything the Dragon could ever want—is the expected favorite. Agnieszka fears for her, but a part of her is glad to not be in the running.

So when the Dragon comes to their village, and chooses Agnieszka over Kasia (more than a little reluctantly), everyone is surprised. No more so than Agnieszka, who doesn’t realize that being chosen is the first of many surprises in store.

BFF Charm: Yay to Platinum

Agnieszka is kind of a mousy girl. She’s lived her whole life in the shadow of her best friend, Kasia. She’s a total mess; she can’t keep herself clean regardless of how hard she tries. She’s somewhat timid and quiet, but sweet. Quickly, however, she learns to hold her own and speak her mind, even when it’s probably better not to. I love her character’s development in Uprooted, and would love to be her friend.

Swoonworthy Scale: 8*

Spoiler alert: When you read this book, or if you’ve read it already, you know that there’s a sex scene in it. Which, often, would make for a 10 on the swoon scale. But there’s something about Agnieszka’s relationship with her paramour that felt a little lacking. Yes, there’s enemistry in spades—which you know I adore—but the move from enemies to enemies with benefits never quite got there for me. Where’s the passion? Where are the Feelings?

Talky Talk: Fairy Tale

If I didn’t like to give people the benefit of the doubt, I’d be pretty positive that Naomi Novik discovered a long-hidden trunk of fairy tales in some remote cave in Eastern Europe before she penned Uprooted. (Or, alternatively, Novik is an eons-old wizard who decided to try the whole writing thing.) The story is written in our modern tongue, but the feelings behind the words are like something out of an ancient folk story passed down through the generations. The tale of Agnieszka and her battle against dark forces is new, but feels familiar, in the very best of ways. It’s easy to get caught up in the world Novik has created, even if I did stumble occasionally on the some of the more unusual names (Agnieszka is pronounced “ahg-NYESH-kah,” in case you were wondering) and words.

Bonus Factor: Character Growth

At the start of Uprooted, many of the characters feel a little like cardboard cutouts. They’ve either been raised to be a certain way, and therefore seem a little generic, or are viewed by others in ways that don’t fit their actual personalities. Through the book, the characters grow and change and reveal who they really are: fully fleshed out people with issues and quirks and the ability to turn assumptions on their heads.

Bonus Factor: Magic

The world of Uprooted is one filled with magic. As Agnieszka learns more about the reasons the Dragon chooses a companion every ten years, she also learns more about magic—including the fact that it doesn’t come in just one form, which is surprising and even frustrating to certain individuals she meets.

Casting Call:

Madeline Zima as Agnieszka

Suki Waterhouse as Kasia

Jamie Dornan as the Dragon

Relationship Status: On Holiday

To be honest, Book, it took me a little bit to get into your story. But once I did, I found myself wanting to know more and more about your characters and your world, long after I read your final words. I feel like I’ve wandered into an undiscovered country, one that I’d like to visit again, and frequently.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a review copy of this book from Del Rey. I received neither a private dance party with Tom Hiddleston nor money in exchange for this review. Uprooted is available now.

Welcome back to the best show on television, friends! We apologize for making you wait for this, the recap of the scariest hour cataloguing the Liars' lives yet. LEGIT HORROR. We've been anxious, too! All three of us agreed to share the burden/excitement and weigh in, but each of the three of us somehow ALSO managed to incur the wrath of season 1 A in some way in the last 24 hours. Rosemary has had no internet for almost two whole days! The Do No Evil G∞gle cloud did some evil and swallowed all of Alexis' notes then came back asking for more! Catie's dog was possessed by Ella's attack bees and nearly ate her computer whole!!

However, unlike Detective Tanner, we have LEARNED from all of Rosewood's evils. UNBREAKABLE. WE ALIVE, DAMMIT. This recap is long as hell.

(jk it's no longer or shorter than anything else we've ever written)

Awards!

THIS WEEK’S MVP

The whole group! 

via

Everyone RALLIED to save each other as season six kicked off—the Liars devoting all their strength to keeping each other’s spirits up and scheming to rescue Mona and keep Ali from joining them, even after suffering untold trauma alone behind closed doors; Mona womaning up to defy Charles, even though she knew perfectly well what punishment awaited her; Ali putting not just her freedom but her actual life on the line in her first truest act of selflessness. Females are strong as hell.

via

Runner-up: Detective né Officer Barry. Congrats, dude! Keep a low profile and do your work and don't jump to conclusions. Everyone else in the RPD, take note!

THIS WEEK’S LVP

Detective “Ali figured it out before the rest of us!” Tanner. She didn't get Detective Officer Barry's notes, apparently, so was stuck spinning her wheels while working out of Spencer Hastings’ season one playbook.

BIGGEST SHOCK/BEST SURPRISE

Shock: The legit terrifying reveal of ChArles staring at our Liars through the glass observation wall between his lair and vault. You know, the wall that had zero reason to exist because who was ever going to be in either of those rooms except Charles himself?? Oh, SHOW. You’re such a flirt!

via

Surprise: The shadow doll who’s been living under ChArles’ watchful eye for 2+ years! That not even Mona (seemed to have) know(n) she was there was the true surprise, honestly (the fact that she turned out to be Sarah Harvey, not so much—there were really very few possibilities for her identity, after all).

Runner-up: the morgue slab shot, for sheer visual shock value.

BIGGEST NO-DUH

The Rosewood police are forty steps and a hundred and twenty episodes behind.

THAT’S SO ALI

Girl’s got a double-cross hidden inside a scheme hidden inside a lie, all locked in a locket in her (fashionable bootie’s heel) pocket.

via

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

Short version? The girls were ‘napped; Andrew was “so over” everyone mourning Mona; Mona was a total badass; the blocks spelled Charles; A recreated Hell Prom; Toby was a cop (but Caleb solved the mysteries); Spencer made a thing from a thing from her brain; Jessica D had a secret second son.

Long version? Our hearts raced out of our chests as all four Liars were arrested for amateur sleuthing/annoying a police detective, kidnapped from their transport van, and trapped in an underground dollhouse approximation of their already horrifying Rosewood lives, where Our Queen Mona Vanderwaal was revealed to have been living for months dressed up to play an obsequious Alison DiLaurentis for the omnipresent digital camera eye of ÜberCreep A, aka Charles DiLaurentis. WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE. Meanwhile, back in ol’ one-street Rosewood, Creepy Andrew did many creepy things, while our boys (Toby, Caleb, and it pains us to add his name but we guess he was there too, Ezra) teamed up with the Parents Hastings to try to get the girls back. Much like the Rosewood PD, they failed. Everyone knows that if you want anything to actually be accomplished around these parts, you need to ask our girls, who, WHILE BURIED IN AN UNDERGROUND DOLLHOUSE, simultaneously organized Charles’ dream horror deathprom and constructed an electromagnetic pulse machine that knocked out all the electricity and allowed them to make a run for it. However, while Spencer very nearly unmAsked Charles, in the end he and his 40-foot high electrified fence buried in the heart of the Poconos were a hundred steps ahead of the girls and the #LiarsWereTrapped once again.

THIS WEEK

Got a Secret, Can You Keep It?

Our hellscape opens on a Yellow Blouse’d blonde chalking a sun on the cement wall of a windowless underground room. Oh, Mona! Our hearts hurt so bad for you.

Only, wait! The camera pulls back to reveal that this grimly cheerful image sits next to approximately one bajillion prisoner’s calendar tic marks. Either this is a flash forward to the solitary confinement punishment visited upon the girls after their failed escape attempt, or…

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It IS. It IS another Faux Ali, obviously Sara Harvey, all waxy-skinned and dead-eyed and trapped like all the others in Charles’ dollhouse, peering stoically from her dank, lightless cell as the five Liars race through the halls in all their Hell Prom finery, still unaware their Big Escape is going to fail. SHE knows, though. She knows there is no escape, no hope, no light. There is only Charles’ obsession, and the patriarchy’s universal promise to teen girls that not one single one of them is ever truly safe from any man’s hidden violence. “Boys will be boys,” SarAli shrugs to herself, teetering on suede camel booties back into her cell.

Aboveground, the newbie Liar Dolls+Mona are just starting to figure this out. It helps that there are very obvious clues, like the hundred thousand gigavolt electrified fence, and the bone-chilling warble of “Don’t Fence Me In” over the PA system, and the remote controlled bunker doors that slam shut and leave the five of them exposed to the elements for two entire nights and days with nothing but Spencer’s voluminous tartan monstrosity of a prom dress for the girls huddle together under for warmth.

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“How long can a person live without food?” Hanna/all of us ask. "Three weeks," Mona and Spencer answer simultaneously (don't worry about Hanna's lack of this particular piece of trivia—she manages to shock Mona with her hidden book smarts/extensive vocabulary after Spencer throws out her own extra piece of expert knowledge by recognizing the waning moon as a feature of the current season in the northern hemisphere). However, most people can only go a few days without water. Aria’s considering drinking her own pee. Emily would lick sweat off a jock strap. Things are bleak, guys! Aria doesn’t know how much longer she can handle this, but Mona, who’s been surviving for longer than the rest of them, reminds them that they’re, well, unbreakable, if you will. (Females are strong as hell.)

Eventually, Charles does crack the dollhouse back open, “inviting” them to return. Still, the girls aren't broken. They'll accept Charles' offer of "not death," but they will goddamn stick together like glue the whole way. 

Okay not the WHOLE way. While they re-entered the dollhouse with the best arm-in-arm intentions ("Let's stick together."/"Always."), we guess at some point they…forgot? And let each other go? And you know what happens when you girls separate, even across inches of space: YOU DIE.

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So the Liars got gassed and Mona got snatched and they didn't get to see each other again until after the Liars had been stripped and washed and laid out like corpses as "stop looking" messages to their families in Charles' totally normal personal morgue, where Mona, dressed to the nines in Ali's candy striper pinafore and bitchy attitude cheerfully brings them juice and water.

Side note: the fact that Emily, lifting her sheet to look at the state of her body, is relieved not because she isn't naked after all (she is), but because she still has all her organs. Have we already said how g-d BLEAK this show suddenly, acutely is? FRICK.

MonAli isn't totally brainwashed, at least. She quietly informs the girls they were only out for a couple of hours, during which time she was locked in her room. She is as scared as they are. But then her own scary-chipper Voice From Above comes on to tell them all to go to their rooms and find there surprises. Ooh! Surprises! That sounds g—

"NO," Mona declares wobbily, turning to stare Charles' camera eye down. The Voice From Above repeats itself. So does Mona. "NO," she says, more firmly this time. But then Charles puts his foot down by sounding the triple chime. "Oh shit," Mona whimpers. "Three chimes means we have to go to our rooms…or else." And she goes racing our of the morgue so fast the Liars barely have time to wrap their sheets around their organ-full bodies before following her.

"Or else what?" they all ask in turn, pressing Mona to answer. GIRLS. YOU DO NOT WANT THE ANSWER. Because the answer? Verbatim is: “It will steal you in the night and put you in the hole.”

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……………………Okay. FUCK. Now properly frightened, the girls finally follow Mona's lead, creeping back to their nightmare dollhouse doors to continue their nightmare dollhouse lives, barely able to tear their gazes away from one another as they all sense just how alone they are each about to become. One by one, the doors slam shut.

::Cue fade-in of Liars screaming::

::Cue fade-in of us screaming::

THREE WEEKS LATER

::Cue us screaming louder::

A news conference is about to start at the DiLaurentis house, with scruffy Ezra and Caleb watching from the side. Ali’s murder conviction has been overturned and—we learn from a reporter—Creepy Andrew, “star athlete and honor roll student,” is A) the top suspect and B) nowhere to be found. And C) definitely NOT actually the kidnapper. At least, according to the Hastings Law of False Surety.

Ali comes out to make a statement. She's wearing lots of flowy neutrals, looking as innocent and benign as possible. She’s as Ali as ever—big doe eyes and a deliberate quake in her voice, secretly orchestrating the entire affair. She reads a few lines about how sad she is that her friends have been kidnapped, and then looks right at the camera and says “ROCK. LOST IN THE WOODS. TOTALLY ALONE. ANDREW, please come meet me at the kissing rock. Alone. I’ll be there. By myself. NO COPS. I'm sending them ALL AWAY so I can be ALONE with my loving family.” Wait—did she not actually say all of that out loud? We could have sworn…

Caleb and Ezra, please shave, you are distracting us.

Swear This One You'll Save

Well, the boys don't shave, but they DO leave, and when they do there is no longer anything to distract us from the literal circus going on inside the DiLaurentis house. Rosewood cops everywhere! Some are Tanner shaped. Some are Toby shaped. SOME are Officer Barry shaped, but that can't be right, because this Officer Barry shape is wearing—gasp! Officer Barry has been promoted to detective! We mean, he's still stuck doing the exact same phone-call monitoring grunt work he's been so diligent at these past many head-down years, but at least now he's doing it in a fancy suit. Good for you, Detective Officer Barry. We wish you all the best. Stay away from Rosewood's teens.

Daddy DiLaurentis brings us back to the scheme at hand by repeating A LOT and AT VOLUME that he does not feel great about using his only daughter as bait. Like he thinks that maybe, if he is juuuuuuust loud enough, no one will remember how he went Out Of Town on a thousand work trips every other day after Ali returned from the dead and found her murdered mother buried in the garden. NO PARENTING AWARDS FOR YOU, DADDY DEAREST.

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 Anyway, they are Ali's friends, and it is Ali's choice. If Andrew thinks Ali’s alone, he’ll come to her house to get her. Obviously, this was Ali’s idea—or at least, the part where she lures Andrew in by claiming to be alone with two of the topmost contenders for least effectual male allies in Rosewood. The part where a hundred men and women in blue mill around openly in front of well-lit windows, surrounded by all their sting equipment, that part was all Tanner. Good job, Tanner! 

"She’ll have police protection 24/7," Tanner promises Daddy D tersely. 'We're leaving NOTHING up to chance. Wait! What's the shadow! GUNS OUT!"

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But it's not Andrew, or Charles, or any iteration of A. It's just Jason, coming through the garage with their dinner order. Oh man, RPD. You can't even account for Jason DiLaurentis—how do you expect to account for ALI?

Who, at that very moment, gets a call from a blocked ID. Another old timey nightmare hit plays when she picks up, and continues playing in our heads forever and ever, echoing through our nightmares: I wrote my mother/I wrote my father/and now I’m writing you too.

“I know I’m the one you want," Ali quavers, drawing every single word out so that Detective Officer Barry can keep the tracking software from crashing long enough to pinpoint the call's origin. "Just tell me where to go.” DUM DUM DUMMMM! The call was coming from inside the house!!! No one can believe it! No one in the RPD, we mean. Ali and Toby and Jason can totally believe it because duh. The call coming from inside the house? LiterAl child's play. For a full season, Red Coat's terror was coming from inside the DiLaurentis peephole-drilled basement. For a half season, the call was coming from inside Ali's childhood BFF partnership with crazypants Shana Swimteam. For another half season, the call was coming from literally inside a bird. Inside the house? Child's. PlAy.

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Cause/effect

But World’s Greatest Detective Tanner is willfully unaware of all of this, and so locks Ali in a crafting closet on the first floor and leaves some random beat cop to watch her, because Safety. Toby cops his way through the house (ACTUALLY SCARY) to find a black-hoodied mannequin with a pig mask over its masklike face, rocking Norman Bates’ mom-style in a rocking chair in Ali's room (ALSO ACTUALLY SCARY). It has a cell phone on it, ringing, but when Tanner answers, it’s just pig noises. LOL. Nice flair, A. The unnamed lackey they had on Ali duty wanders in, like, “Wait, was I supposed to be doing something?” and of course the Safety Craft Closet is now empty of Ali but full of a broken wine bottle (Ashley's kind of crafting!). At that very moment, Toby has a visible epiphany (srsly, his epiphany face is almost as painful to watch as his poker face later on) "recognizes" A's old timey phone ditty as “Sitting Under the Apple Tree." 

"Call it in!" Tanner shrieks, pointing at everyone as the male DiLaurentises look on, mystified. "Ali figured it out before any of us," (duh) "She's gone to the old Campbell farm."

Got a Locket in Your Pocket? Better Lock it in Your Pocket.

But psych! Ali's not going to the old Campbell farm—she's going straight into the backseat of a car where Ezra and Caleb are awaiting her, hacker computer and tracking technology at the ready (wait is getting into a car with Ezra better or worse than being in the woods alone?). SNAP. This time, A really was Ali! And Toby's timing fake-recognizing the apple tree song they baited Ali's phone with was impeccable. Any bumbling RPD officer who might have accidently gotten in the way of A/Andrew/Charles kidnapping Ali is now racing to the other side of town, where for once they will all only be like fourteen steps behind Ali, rather than the usual seventy two. And as far as Andrew is concerned, if he is the genius he thinks he is, he'll for sure have picked up the kissing rock hints Ali was laying down in her fake-real press conference.

"Cool cool cool," the scruffy bed buddies say. "Now put those incredibly practical and easy to run from a psycho kidnapper ankle bookties on." Yep! Our resident tech genius Caleb has put a tracking device in the heel of a cute pair of boots that definitely match Ali's outfit, but just as definitely are the least reasonable accesory he could have stashed the tracker in. We mean, he has been pretty well trained in the art of appropriate footwear by Hanna "Hey, I wear 3 inches or I wear nothing" Marin, so in his defense he probably does think these low-heeled booties are practical. But seriously. How about a bangle? How about an earring? How about a fitbit tracker that clips to her bra? 

Anyway, much like the RPD, Caleb and Ezra assure Ali they’ll be tracking her every step of the way, and that she’ll never be alone. Boys! At least YOU ALL have been dealing with A for the past six or one years (who knows)—you should know better than to believe that. 

Anyway, this is why we live in a surveillance state, in case any of you are really wondering (/conspiracy theorists). It's all A's fault.

Taking This One to the Grave

For the three weeks the Liars were locked away behind their steel bedroom doors, SarAli has been delivering their food and water. Not that the girls know this. A terrorized blonde wearing Ali's disappearance outfit? "Mona!!" Spencer shouts brokenly through her floor-level food grate, obviously for the millionth time. "Mona! Are you there? Is that you?!?"

Then, the Voice: Please proceed to Ali’s room, and prepare for arrival. Please proceed to Ali’s room, and prepare for arrival. Please proceed to Ali’s room, and prepare for arrival. And the doors that have been locked for so long, finally open.

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The girls that emerge cautiously from their dollhouse rooms aren’t the girls that went in there three weeks ago, though: they’re all dressed in their Labor Day outfits, what they were wearing the day Ali went missing. Argyle for Spence, sporty for Em, pink streaks for Aria, and floral for Hanna, who is the last to emerge and the shakiest on her feet. They can’t process the trauma they’ve just gone through (which is scarier than any explicit description of the ordeals could ever be), but they’re glad—and stronger—to finally be together again.

Ali’s room when Mona lived in it was already another uncanny dollhouse mimic, but now Charles has delivered a trio of cardboard boxes filled with actual treasures from Ali's actual life—past AND present. Spencer finds a newspaper report that Ali was released from prison ("We can't know if that's really real," Hanna bitterly cautions from her post at the door), and Emily realizes that they’re prepping for the REAL Ali to arrive. Which means… "What about Mona?"

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Cut to Mona alone and shaking in a pit (there are layers and layers of psychological torture in this dungeon horror hellhole), barely hanging on to her sanity. "Charles!" she screams up when he comes in and shines an industrial flashlight straight into her face. "I'm sorry! I'll be good! Don't leave me here!" But he leaves. She's evidently finally done something so bad "it" put her in the hole for good. Or who knows how long. Alexis, at least, would totally buy all three weeks. 

The girls are unpacking Ali’s stuff like no bigs, it’s just whatever! Which, like the elision of the details of what happened to them behind their bedroom doors, is more frightening than if they were freaking out of the task. Hanna cracks open a photo album and lands on a shot of them at the lakefront that one time that Ali totally ripped into everyone they knew (and most that they didn't). What a monster she used to be! they agree. What monsters we all were to let her get away with it!. But, "we're not the same people we were," Emily reminds everyone, "Ali, too." Another clue that the show really is going for the Ali Redemption storyline.

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Then, Spence and Aria have dual revelations: Spencer finds a wooden toy car with C.D. scratched into the base; Aria finds the only camera-blind spot in MonAli's yellow tank-filled closet with HE'S GOING TO KILL ME - M scratched into the back. Spencer's revelation has to shared out of the camera's line of sight; Aria's has to be shared out of Hanna's. Neither is anything like a comfort.

Also not a comfort? The girls' discovery of their own "arrival day" boxes back in their respective bedrooms, filled with real treasures from their real lives, half of which they've been missing for months. "He's been planning to bring us here the whole time," they chorus in dawning horror. "My mom is so sick she's in the hospital," Hanna chokes, thrusting another fake/real Rosewood paper with a story of fallout from their disappearance into the other Liars' hands. And that is just it for Aria, who swings around and fixes the camera's eye in her furious gaze. She is going to KILL HIM for what he's done to their families, you hear her, Charles? KILL HIM.

Recognizing that her friends are so close to the edge they're basically already falling, Spencer makes up her mind that tonight, tonight is the night they are getting out, and so loudly encourages the group to help Hanna unpack while in between shouts whispering/whizzing her way through and Etch-a-Sketch that A) they are going to find Mona and escape, and B) Charles is a DiLaurentis. “The generator still shuts down every night," she whispers. And tonight is the night they'll again take advantage of that fact.

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And then, just for kicks, we’re back in the hole with Mona brokenly singing a rendition of “Hush Little Baby” that chills us all to the BONE.

If I Show You

Back in Rosewood, Detective Officer Barry and LOL Cop Toby are the only ones obviously hard at work after the bust that was the intended Campbell farm bust. They're watching all available footage of the crowd outside Ali's press conference that morning, looking, evidently, for the moment where Andrew danced in a chicken costume behind the reporter, waving a bird with both hands. Okay, obviously not that. But they DO see the muted tail-end of a report that Radley Sanitarium is closed indefinitely after a suprise sale to a shadowy business entity (DECLODYNE???? DECLODYNE!!!!! DECLODYNE?!?!), which is really as shocking as that chicken suit thing could ever have been. Anyway, Tanner comes in to loom over Toby with her unfounded but also completely true suspicions that Toby might know where Ali went. And all we can say for his reaction to her is, Toby: we are glad you aren't trying to make a career as a poker player. Get better game!

Tanner doesn't have a chance to follow through on her suspicions/Toby's kicked puppy expression, though, because just then Detective Officer Barry spots the back of a tall young man crossing, as luck would have it, right behind the reporter towards a blue sedan with a partially visible, fully blurry plate. "Enhance it!" the whole Rosewood Police Department shouts. They finally have a lead!

Alone in the woods at the Kissing Rock, just like she promised, Ali waits. Patsy Cline's “Walking after Midnight”—the same song that was playing in A’s vault when Spencer found it—leads her to an empty car that is all prepped with a murderous GPS leading her to some nowhere woods. It seems dumb, but this really is the best outcome of the Andrew-trapping scheme they intentionally put in motion, so she gets in and starts driving. Caleb, Ezra and Ezra’s gross pedo beard follow behind her. "Don't get too close!" Caleb cautions, following Ali's tracker progress on his hacker laptop. "This had better not be a colossal mistake," Ezra mutters, white-knuckling the steering wheel. Oh, Ezra. With you, it always is.

Meanwhile, Ali finds her murder GPS bringing her to a stop at Tyler State Park. Like, a complete stop. Gas tank's empty, electrical system's dead. Cell service? HA. Ali’s still driving in the murder GPS machine, which shuts off when she reaches her destination. Hey, remember OnStar? Ali calls OnStar for help, even though we’re pretty sure Ali was never alive when OnStar was a thing, and the OnStar voice tells her to look in the trunk, Alison. Oh right, A IS A TECHNOLOGICAL WIZARD AND HACKED THE SYSTEM, are you actually surprised???

(POLL: who had “roadside assistance system” in the pool for next creepy-ingenious A message?)

When Ezra and Caleb get to the car, Ali’s long gone. Her clothes are in the trunk with the trilingual Welcome card that A forced (we have shivers imagining how they could possibly have been forced) the girls to sign. It’s one of those cards where you can record a voice message! It tells her to leave everything behind or “they die.” Sweet. So Ali changed clothes. But she left her magic tracker boots in the grass like a real life Blue's Clue, pointing toward the woods in the direction she was told to walk. Ezra literally stares into space, waiting for a clue to bonk him over the head like a dodgeball hurled by Hanna or something, but Caleb has a brain/his eye on the ground and so sees the fine footwear breadcrumbs Ali was laying down. And Ali? She is, of course, lost in the woods in that g-d yellow tank. If you factor cost per wear, they have REALLY gotten their money’s worth out of that thing. Anyway, Ezra has finally decided that the whole business feels wrong and they should for real call the cops in. Good luck getting cell service!

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Back at the precinct, Tanner is settling in for her nightly reading of boy genius Andrew’s totally real, definitely not fake planted journal about how much he hates all the girls and wants to watch them scream. COOL. But then Toby rushes in with news: the partial plate identified a car that was recently stolen! ALSO that car was just spotted on a frontage road out at Tyler State Park! They've solved the whole thing! COINCIDENCE? We think…maybe? It's hard to tell. Maybe they did really find the car. Maybe Toby is just using it as a smokescreen to communicate Ezra's report on Ali's last known location, without giving away his part in the scheme. Either way—the RPD is (sigh) on the case.

Then I Know You

When the generator finally shuts down that night Spencer wastes no time retrieving the others from their nightmare fake rooms. Spencer memorized and solved all the anagrams, she explains to them as they race down the halls, and they all spelled out Charles DiLaurentis. We love you, Spencer’s brain. In other Spencer’s brain news, she has a plan to bargain with Charles, and has paced out the hallways and identified the possible vault location juuuust on the other side of the bunk bed in the playroom.

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The sirens scream on as the girls collectively put their multidirectional oomph into moving the damn thing, but the girls are undeterrred. Emily spies a bookcase with and odd light shining underneath, so they shift their efforts and uncover a large air shaft whose grate they pop open with ease. The whole set-up is very confusing—too complex (and low) for Charles to have really used to such Phantom of the Hell Prom success the night he disappeared from under Spencer's nose, but way too easy for a likely escape route that he'd presumably want to really keep hidden from his dolls. OH WELL. Pop open the grate they do, and with the action, the sirens shut off. The silence as the girls start crawling through the vent is somehow more unsettling than the noise.

At least Spencer's hunches were right. The vault is, indeed, on the other side of the playroom wall, and it is, indeed, filled with evidence of A’s twisted soul: baby announcements, childhood pictures, that video of the two boys and the baby sister, with Jessica D, just queued up and ready to play for anyone masochistic enough (Rosemary’s brain immediately switched from panic to “Ohh, popcorn! Eat some popcorn, Liars! Aren’t you hungry? I’d be hungry if I were you!” A full popcorn machine! What a terrible, awesome set detail).

Luckily, if they have learned anything in their time as Charles' captives it is that he's always watching, and so to kick off Spencer's blackmail plan? They stop the film long enough for the celluloid (and Charles' precious memories) to catch fire and they start BURNING SHIT DOWN.

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Too bad for Charles, Ali arrives at the same time. Decision time! Which is more important to him: the girl he’s been trying to capture for mumble mumble years, or all of his prized baby possessions??

[In the woods, meanwhile, Caleb and Ezra find Ali. They did it! They did a thing! We’re honestly astounded.]

The flames spread faster and faster as Charles is frozen with indecision, until finally Aria (ARIA! of all of them!) considers the possibility, “Wait, what if Charles isnt actually watching this??” They mean, they do NOT want to die in that hellhole, which maybe they should have thought of before they started BURNING EVERYTHING in a TINY ROOM IN AN UNDERGROUND CONCRETE BUNKER WITH NO EVIDENT EXIT OR EVEN VENTILATION SYSTEM.

"We need something like a blanket!" one of the shouts, standing in front of a wall of giant curtains, as they look around for like a full, fiery minute for anything that might even remotely resemble a smother-ready blanket. "Wait!" Emily shouts, turning around. "Paige trained me for drapes!!" And she proceeds to pull down the wall of red and fling it onto the bassinet fire when OH SHIT. {INEXPLICABLE} WALL OF GLASS. And Charles, in a high tech new full face mask, is staring straight at them through it.

All Rosemary wants in life is for the girls to have jumped on him, ripped off his mask and knocked him out with something. But there's that whole wall of glass detail, so instead they start throwing even more of his stuff in the fire. And while he was willing to build an underground terror chamber and perform other hair dye-related acts of torture on these girls, burning his baby clothes just totally CROSSES THE LINE. He pulls the fire alarm (did he have the fire department out to his torture bunker to install that thing? IS THE ROSEWOOD FIRED DEPARTMENT AS BAD AS RPD??) which turns on the sprinklers and opens all the locked doors, and the girls use the opportunity to run, screaming for Mona the whole time. They find her, and it is all tearful shock and relief and girls saving girls and our embattled, unbreakable heroines limping their way as one being through the halls and to freedom.

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Meanwhile, outside, Ali, Ezra, and Caleb are just about to shrug off Ali's horror film misadventure as yet another of A's red herrings when they hear the blaring alarms from down in the dollhouse and see the smoke coming from a well-hidden vent. And as they are scrambling to find a way, any way inside, EZRA (Ezra!) spies a hidden aboveground entrance a couple hundred feet away. They uncover the doors just as the Liars burst through. 

Imma let you finish, menfolk (and Ali), but females are strong as hell.

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And then there are tearful hugs and kisses as the whole of the Rosewood Police Force descends to liberate the dollhouse and Spencer is hugging Mona and Ali is hugging Mona and Spoby is tripping all over themselves to reveal the solutions to the various mysteries they have each independently been working on. And then another lady beat cop is inside the dollhouse approaching the silent, statue-still sixth girl who was living in the shadows with our crew that whole time. "What's your name?" lady cop asks gently. "Sara Harvey," SarAli says, voice cracking. And she is rushed out on gurney to the ministrations of the EMTs.

"We met her friends," Emily says sadly, watching her go by. It is literally impossible to imagine either what hell Sara went through that whole time, or the added layers of trauma and guilt the girls will suffer knowing this other, even more innocent girl was trapped in Charles/Ali's net even longer than they were.

Which, speaking of. #Emison. Except, not for the reason we anticipate. No, Emily needs answers. "Ali," she says firmly, as Ali takes her hands. "Who is Charles DiLaurentis?"

NEXT WEEK

Won't Tell What I Said

The aftermath begins. The girls clearly have some serious PTSD and they’re dealing with it in different ways. Emily is at the shooting range, Hanna wonders if they're all just hallucinating, Ali retraces her steps by wearing the same Haute Hippie shirt she wore in this episode and asking her dad who the hell Charles DiLaurentis is. “What??” he responds. “Not what, dad," Ali corrects. "Who?”

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Preach.

Two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead.

Kisses,

A(lexis, Catie, and Rosemary)

<-- Pretty Little Liars 5x25: Welcome to the Dollhouse

<-- Pretty Little Liars 5B: Best in Show

Pretty Little Liars 6x02: Songs of Innocence -->

I've been thinking about murder a lot during the past few weeks. Specifically, character homicide.

There are so many different ways to murder your darlings. You can, as Carmen discussed, transplant their emotional core into another character. You can combine characters, or go back through your manuscript and erase the name Chris every time it comes up. You can have them move to a different city or fall down a manhole or hit their head and pass into a coma for the rest of the book. Or, as many of you discussed in the comments section, you can actually kill them. Car crash, serial killer, cancer, beheading—the possibilities are endless. MWAHAHAHA!

But just because we can get away with murder, so to speak, does that mean we should? Let’s chat briefly about killing off characters, which seems to be highly in vogue these days.

What does it mean to kill off a character? George R.R. Martin does it (perhaps a little too often for my liking) to remove any sense of safety, and remind the reader that even our favorite characters are fair game in the chaotic and brutal world he has created. John Green tends to do it to add emotional weight and a sense of urgency to the story. Killing off side characters can help mature your main character, and provide motivation for everything from revenge to self-improvement.

Heck, character deaths can even be happy occasions, such as the bittersweet death of self-sacrifice or the more overtly joyful death of a villain. But in all its myriad forms, writing a death scene is supposed to be meaningful with a capital M.

The problem comes when Meaningful becomes Cloying. Or Manipulative. Or, maybe worse of all, a Cop Out. If done properly, literally murdering your darlings can be an incredibly powerful tool in the trusty author toolkit. However, killing off a character runs an equally high risk of feeling fake or unnecessary. And there's nothing worse than reading a book where your favorite sidekick dies simply for the shock value. I don't know about you guys, but I have straight up abandoned some of my (once) favorite authors because of the poor way they handled a particularly upsetting character death.

So how do we walk the line between powerful and cheesy? What are the rules for offing your characters in a way that is both respectful but authentic, emotional without being over the top?

I bet you thought that this was the part where I pretended to have the answers. Fooled you! I’ve got nothing. I have struggled with this in my own writing, and more often than not I take the easy way out rather than grapple with these tricky questions. I admit to backing away from death scenes when they come up—surely being gravely injured in a car accident would do the trick? How about a nice concussion instead of a fatal head wound? And sometimes I find that I'm having trouble killing off an extraneous character because they quite honestly never belonged in the story in the first place. (If none of the other characters seem particularly sad about Sidekick Billy's death, that's probably a red flag.)

I’ve encountered several books on writing that address this thorny issue with a checklist; answer Yes to the following five questions and you can feel assured that your character's defenestration is, indeed, necessary. I love checklists (seriously guys, I love them), but they don't really work for me in this particular situation. Probably because I'm so good at lying to myself. Yes, of course Sidekick Billy's death will move the plot forward in a productive way! I mean, if he doesn't die, then how will Protagonist Peter find the inner courage to ask Love Interest Lucy to the Prom??

*Shrug* It always sounds legit to me at the time.

So instead of actually being helpful, I want to turn this over to you guys. How do you decide when to kill off a character? What are your tricks for killing characters gracefully? And, be straight with me here, do you think we have a bit of a character killing epidemic going on in YA these days?

Just joined us, and looking for a critique partner? Join the FYA Writes Google Group and introduce yourself!

Leah Stecher lives in New York City, where she edits history books. When not editing, she runs, dances, rewatches Firefly, and eats nachos.

Thanks for stopping by, Leah!

BOOK REPORT for And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie

Cover Story: Simple is the New Deadly
BFF Charm: Nope!
Swoonworthy Scale: 0
Talky Talk: Too Legit to Quit
Bonus Factors: Cocktails!
Anti-Bonus Factor: Antiquated Racial Slurs
Relationship Status: It's Complicated

Cover Story: Simple is the New Deadly

I own an old copy of this book (which was fun to re-read, with it's dog-eared corners and all). The cover is simple, just the title, the author, and a noose. This is one of the most famous mystery novels ever published, so I think keeping the cover basic is the way to go.

The Deal:

Ten people who do not know each other are all persuaded to travel to Indian Island, a remote island off the British coast, for a lovely weekend of dining and general hanging out. Little do they know, they have all walked into a very curious, and diabolical, trap. Shortly after dinner the first night, a voice booms out from nowhere, accusing each and every one of them present of committing a murder that has, until now, gone unpunished. When we find the voice coming from the gramophone on a pre-made record, everyone relaxes a little bit. That is, until the murders start.

The best, and creepiest, part of this book is that each murder mimics a part of a nursery rhyme that is hanging in each bedroom in the house. The poem begins with ten little Indians, and decreases in number each verse, until the final verse ends with, "...and then there were none." So everyone knows what's going to happen, but each is powerless to stop it. Is there someone else on the island, picking them off one by one? Or is it one of the guests, cleverly playing a part-- seemingly scared by day and committing these horrific murderous acts methodically one by one?

Creepy, right? Such a good read!

BFF Charm: Nope!

You do not, let me repeat, DO NOT want to be friends with anyone in this book. They have all done something pretty unspeakable, and hearing them speak about it makes you like them even less. You are not rooting for anyone in this story, actually.

Swoonworthy Scale: 0

Everyone is pretty preoccupied with not getting murdered, so there's no time for swoon in this story. Christie does write in a lost love for one of the characters, Vera, but we only experience Vera's thinking about it-- she doesn't really talk about it with anyone else on the island. She knows she did wrong (what with that murder and all) and she lost her soul mate because of it.

Talky Talk: Too Legit to Quit

Christie has gone on record saying this was the hardest book she had ever written. It is pretty ingenious, but I don't know that any armchair detectives out there could figure it out on their own.

Bonus Factor: Cocktails!

This week, imbibe at your favorite participating bar and also help out a good cause! This week is Negroni week, and hundreds of bars across the country are making this classic cocktail and donating a portion of the proceeds to the charity of their choice.

If you want to make a Negroni at home, almost nothing could be easier, since it is only three ingredients and they are all in equal parts. To stir up your own classic Negroni, you will need:

1 oz. Dry gin (like Tanqueray)

1 oz. Sweet Vermouth

1 oz. Campari

Orange peel

Combine ingredients in a mixing glass and stri quickly for about 20 seconds, to chill the liquids without adding much water to the drink. Strain over new ice in your glass. Use a lighter to pull the essential oils out of your orange peel by running a flame over the peel, over your drink. Add your peel to the cocktail, and you've got your very own tasty Negroni to enjoy. This one is bitter, and can take some getting used to (just like the characters in this book!).

Anti-bonus Factor: Antiquated Racial Slurs

Ok, this is a weird one, and I did some research on it. The nursery rhyme on which the murders are based was a traditional British rhyme that used the n-word. (Yes, you read that correctly). This word was in the original title for the book, and was replaced with the word "Indians" when published in the US. Needless to say, that term also caused a stir, so now when you read this book, it will always be under the title And Then There Were None.

Relationship Status: It's Complicated

There's no getting around it: this book has a total bummer ending. One island, ten bodies. No one makes it out alive. What's funny is I recently saw the play version of this book performed here in Houston, and I remembered some of the characters making it to the end. It turns out, Christie rewrote the ending for the stage, since producers thought it would be too sad for play-goers to watch a play where every single character gets the axe. So re-reading was fun, because the ending still surprised me (what? No one makes it out alive?!). That being said, once you know who the culprit is, you could go back and enjoy reading this one again, just to see how they get away with it. But beyond one re-read, I don't know. I can't say I won't go back and revisit this one again, and it definitely is one that sticks with you (I've been thinking about it all week). And that's why our relationship status is the way it is.

Happy Friday! First of all, big thanks to Kandis for not only taking care of Pro Tips last week, but holding down the FYA fort while we were at BEA. She rocks!

Book Related Things

Oh look, it's the 50 Shades continuation no one asked for. And it's already a bestseller.

Cool new project: Size Acceptance in YA.

Adult coloring books are here.

Rape culture in YA.

Shonda Rhimes has a book deal.

So does Gabourey Sidibe.

Reading Judy Blume as an adult, for the first time.

Movie Related Things

Lumberjanes will be a live action movie.

Eddie Redmayne has joined the cast of Fantastic Beasts.

We all want this Amy Schumer movie right now.

What a surprise: Hollywood's hottest starlets get paired with significantly older men in movies.

Awesome new Mockingjay: Part 2 poster.

And here's the new Paper Towns trailer.

Sofia Coppola won't be directing the live-action Little Mermaid.

Channing Tatum dresses as an old dude to promote Magic Mike XXL.

Spy as commentary on Melissa McCarthy's career.

TV Related Things

What to expect in Outlander season 2.

Arrested Development returning to Netflix in 2016.

Milo Ventimiglia joins the Gilmore Girls reunion at ATXFest.

There will be a Tangled TV series.

Classic Alice is back, starting June 9th!

Shadowhunters teasers.

The Unauthorized Full House Story Lifetime movie releases a cast photo. 

Miscellaneous Things

Rainbow Rowell tweeted her new map shoes, and we noticed that the same company makes these. WANT!

SkyMall is back.

Meet Caitlyn Jenner.

Betty White has joined instagram.

That's it for this week! Did we miss anything?

Do you follow us on Instagram? If not, you might have missed seeing which books we picked up at BEA that we're most excited about. (Spoiler alert: Look for more on our trip later today!) Many of those books, unfortunately, you’re not going to see reviewed around these parts for a while, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a whole bunch of exciting reviews coming your way.

Check out the image above for the covers, and then read below for the deets.

Top left

Devoted by Jennifer Matheiu
The Walls Around Us by Nova Ren Suma

(Jennie)

Top right

The Sacred Lies of Minnow Bly by Stephanie Oakes
Jesse’s Girl by Miranda Kenneally

(Mandy W.)

Bottom left

Siren’s Fury by Mary Weber
The Invasion of the Tearling by Erika Johansen

(Mandy C.)

Bottom right

Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella
Emmy and Oliver by Robin Benway
Ink and Ashes by Valynne E. Maetani

(Posh)

What’s on your TBR list this month?

THE RUMORS ARE TRUE, YOU GUYS. Book Expo of America is just as insane and amazing as you've heard, and quadruple-y so when you're spending it with the likes of Posh, Mandy C., and Mandy W.! When your sole problems are the weather and that you have too many books yet not enough suitcase space, you know life is good.

As an added bonus, this was not only my first time at BEA, but my first time in New York City, period -- so this trip felt extra special. 

Monday 

On Monday, I arrived in NYC and Mandy W. arrived via bus (straight from Washington, DC, where she hung out with FYA pals Megan, Lee, and Alexis!). First impression: dear god, this weather is hot. But the sight of the Empire State Building lit up for Memorial Day, and hanging out with Heather Demetrios (author of I'll Meet You There, November's sob-and-swoonworthy book club pick!) in Brooklyn more than made up for that.

Lee, Mandy W., and Megan in Washington, DC!

Tuesday

SIGHTSEEING DAY. Mandy W. and I braved rush hour traffic to see the 9/11 memorial (beautiful, huge, and haunting), Wall St., the NY Stock Exchange, and the charging bull, the Statue of Liberty via the (free!) Staten Island Ferry, Chinatown, and Little Italy.

Trinity Church and Cemetery appear in Libba Bray's upcoming Lair of Dreams, which is awesome, because we stumbled upon it accidentally. Some of the gravestones date back to the 1770s.

We went back to our AirBNB to meet up with Mandy C., and then went to the Met -- where my inner art-history-nerd was appropriately amazed -- and you know we took photos on the Met steps that would make Serena and Blair proud. Then we went to a Dean & Deluca (Felicity!) before Mandy C. headed off to Brooklyn for the Jenny Han P.S. I Still Love You launch.

After the Met, it was time for Book of Mormon on Broadway! 

Wednesday

You know what there's nothing like? Starting the day off with tasty bagels (the rumors are true! NYC bagels are so much better than any that I've ever had), mimosas, and books at the NOVL brunch. The Hachette HQ were insanely gorgeous, and we had two surprise guests: authors Jennifer E. Smith and Virginia Boecker! 

Jennifer E. Smith signed copies of Hello, Goodbye, and Everything In Between -- which has a blurb from our very own Posh on the back! NOVL also showed us the NOVL box, which are boxes curated by authors (this time, A.S. King) that include bookish swag. Here's an example of the box readers can win. The titles we saw at brunch were awesome -- Truly, Madly, Famously? Drift & Dagger? I Crawl Through It? YES PLEASE.

NOVL HQ and Jennifer E. Smith also described the genesis of the cover for Hello, Goodbye, which came from real engagement photos. So cool!

Posh and Mandy W. headed over to the HarperCollins Blogger Preview Event, which featured grownup books with much better cover art than what YA books get. TOO MANY TITLES TO LIST, Y'ALL. But among the ones they're most excited for are The Race for Paris, Paulina & Fran, Notorious RBG, and OBVIOUSLY Go Set a Watchman. For the cocktail reception afterwards, they also got to check out the Fox Sports Lounge (HOLLA!)

After that, Mandy C., Mandy W., Posh, and I all met up at the Epic Reads party, which was INSANE. You know that dream you have, where you get to drink copious amounts of champagne with your favorite authors? THIS WAS THAT DREAM.

 
Left: Brian's book was one of the awesome raffle prizes! Right: We're supposed to pick just one literary crush?

 
Patrick Ness with Mandy W. and Posh; Heather Demetrios with Mandy W.

 
Left: Mandy W. and Tiff from Mostly YA Lit/leader of the Toronto book club! Right: a zillion points to the house of Epic Reads -- this swag bag included the most useful gift ever, a portable cell phone charger. 

We also met Maggie Lehrman, author of The Cost of All Things and cousin of Leah from our Inkcouragement series, who was wearing the most amazing comic book dress ever. Why did we not get photos?! I think it might have been because everyone was sweating their buns off.

Thursday

Thursday was our first Javits day, and photos simply do not do the scale justice. Finally, a place where books get banners like movies! WHAT IS THIS MAGIC. 

 
Left: The ladies of FYA HQ on the floor at Javitz. Right: Meredith from Soho Teen!

 
Posh with Jennifer E. Smith (leff) and Rebecca Serle (right).

Mandy W. popped in to say hi to A.S. King.

First stop for me and Mandy C.? Meeting Ernest Cline, author of Ready Player One, and receiving a copy of Armada!

It was also the day that I got to meet Libba Bray, aka the entire reason I read YA as an adult. I told her this, mentioning that the Gemma Doyle books got me through law school (which: TRUTH), and she asked if I could blurb her books with that info. YES. I will blurb ALL of your books and maybe we can also braid each other's hair. (Lair of Dreams is THE BEST and I can't wait for you all to read it.) 

Not a puddle of fangirl. Yet. 

Did you know Julianne Moore wrote a children's book? She is every bit as stunning in person as you might imagine.

After Javitz, it was time for drinks with our friend Chelsea from Kirkus, who is in charge of wrangling our posts. She's not only super nice, but we shared the best cheese plate ever.

FYA HQ with Leila Sales, author of This Song Will Save Your Life.

Macmillian invited the four of us to an awesome Fierce Reads party, with special guests Leila Sales, Leigh Bardugo, Marissa Meyer, and Sandy Hall. Best part: it was in The Strand bookstore's rare books room. Way too much book beauty!

Next, it was off to dinner with FYA pal and author of September Girls, Bennett Madison! His hair is just as impressive as Posh has mentioned previously.

Friday

Mandy C. gets a copy of Black Widow: Forever Red signed by Margaret Stohl. She inscribes her books with the awesome message, "Girls are heroes, not sidekicks!"

Friday brought us a signing for Rainbow Rowell -- if you don't have the collector's edition of Fangirl, get thee to a bookstore! Simon & Schuster treated us to lunch, with conversation from YA authors Erin Bow (Plain Kate, The Scorpion Rules) and Abbi Glines (Until Friday Night, which will appeal to any fans of Friday Night Lights). 

Proving that it's a small, bookish world after all, I ran into Angela from Kepler's Books (friends of the San Francisco and Palo Alto FYA book clubs) -- we fangirled over Ernest Cline and their upcoming Megan Whalen Turner event. 

Mindy Kaling was there, and as you can tell from this photo, she and Mandy W. are clearly BFFs now.

Felicia Day totally touched Mandy C's hair!

 
Left: Working at the Simon & Schuster booth: Mandy C.'s hair twin, Rachel. Right: We ran into FYA reader and librarian Nic in the Felicia Day line! It was the best line of the entire week. So much geek chic and awesome conversation.

The most important panel of all: COCKTAIL PANEL, with Audrey and Faye from Simon & Schuster.

Books of Wonder, aka That Time Mandy C. Met Kass Morgan While Wearing Her #Bellarke Shirt.

Posh + Jamie are super excited for mac-and-cheese dinner!

Saturday

Saturday was Posh's big moment -- moderating a dream panel with Gayle Forman, Sarah Dessen, and Jenny Han! She NAILED IT, you guys -- and you can watch the entire thing. You have to love watching these three YA superstars talk about female friendship.

 
Left: Posh and the BFFs Forever panel. Right: waiting in line with Jamie from The Perpetual Page Turner and Elena from Novel Sounds.

After the panel, we got to meet up with Kae from PGHFYA! 

Next up: brunch with FYA pals Leila Sales, Rebecca Serle, Jocelyn Davis, Katie Hanson, and Emily Heddleson. Leila wisely chose a place that had a brunch which included Bloody Marys and mimosas.

The ladies of NYCFYA met up with us for cocktails at a gorgeous outdoor patio!

The very last event was definitely the most memorable -- the annual FYA BEA karaoke night. Bennett Madison, Rebecca Serle, Leila Sales, Jenny Han, Leigh Bardugo, the ladies of NYC FYA, Posh's karaoke superstar husband, and many more friends joined us for celebrating that we survived another BEA.

And then it was time to go home, despite wanting to live in the land of books forever. FYA is so grateful to everyone who made this trip so much fun: our friends and partners at the publishing houses, fellow book bloggers, authors, book clubs, and our readers! We've got just one thing to say:

BOOK REPORT for My Lobotomy by Howard Dully

Cover Story: Different Kind of Needle
Drinking Buddy: A Bottle in Front of Me...
Testosterone Level: Wow
Talky Talk: How? Why?
Bonus Factors: Dr. Walter Freeman
Bromance Status: The Book That Could Kick My Books' Asses

Cover Story: Different Kind of Needle

According to the jacket, this is a stock photo, and there's not much about record players in the book. Some versions have a real photo of young Howard on the cover.

The Deal:

In 1960, Dr. Walter Freeman performed a transorbital lobotomy on Howard Dully. Dully was twelve years old at the time.

In case you're not familiar with the procedure, a lobotomy involves sedating the patient (in Dully's case, they used electroshock treatment), then inserting an ice pick-like instrument (or an actual ice pick) into the eye socket. After perferating the delicate bone of the orbit, the doctor severs the frontal lobes of the brain.

They used to do this as a cure for mental illness in the 1940s and 50s. Tens of thousands of lobotomies were performed in the US alone.

Dully was lobotomized because his stepmother reported that he was awkward, defiant, lazy, and did not get along with his siblings and parents. In other words, he was twelve.

Suprisingly, the lobotomy did not cure Dully of his problems, and he wound up institutionalized, in jail, and homeless. Years later, Dully was determined to discover why he'd had part of his brain removed.

Drinking Buddy: A Bottle in Front of Me...

Dully doesn't have a lot of memories before he turned twelve (I wonder why), and relies on his brothers and step-brother to fill in the blanks. It's only after his brain surgery that he develops any sort of personality. And it's not that great. He steals, he does drugs, he drifts around California, all the while hiding the fact that he'd been lobotomized.

When I tell people about this book, they're often shocked that someone who'd had this surgery could read a book, let alone write one. That was the psychosurgery crap shoot: sometimes the patient calmed down. Sometimes they didn't. Sometimes they calmed down so much they stopped being able to speak and feed themselves. And sometimes they died. The surgery had a fatality rate as high as 15%.

Dully, with help from some NPR reporters, managed to track down his medical records, including this really disturbing image of his twelve-year-old self getting the ice pick treatment. And he wrote a book about it.

I'll remember this next time I complain how hard it is to be a writer.

Testosterone Level: Wow

So Dully's stepmother apparently had some kind of vendetta against him. She'd spoken to several psychologists about her stepson's problems, and was told she could do with some therapy herself. So when she met Dr. Freeman, she got a little creative, making up stories about Howard attacking his baby brother and repeatedly soiling his pants. In fact, Dully spent most of his adult life wondering if maybe he hadn't done something horrible that he could no longer remember. Why else would his father, a school teacher, agree to this surgery?

At any rate, it took a true pill popper lunatic visionary like Dr. Freeman to take the next logical step: brain surgery.

When nothing really changed afterward (and Howard grew to be a physically intimidating young man), the Dullys had Howard committed. He then wound up in a kind of live-in reform school, got kicked out, wound up on the streets, ran with a biker gang, did drugs, rebuilt car engines in his living room, got married, divorced, and had a couple of kids. He tried his hand at criminal activities, but was really bad at it (if you're going to sell stolen goods at the pawn shop, don't give your real name and address).

Eventually he got married again to a woman who helped him straighten out his life and face the past.

Talky Talk: How? Why?

So why did society allow this sort of surgery to go on? I mean, who'd permit a doctor to ice pick a preteen?

Dully explains it well. After the Second World War, hospitals were flooded with the mentally ill. And no one knew what to do with them, besides put them in restraints. When Dr. Freeman showed up with his Harold Hill cure for everything, hospitals were willing to listen. It became the surgery of choice. Rosemary Kennedy, sister of the future president, was lobotomized in 1941.

Then, in the 1950s, anti-psychotic drugs were developed. Like leeching and trepanning, the procedure died forever.

It's amazing to hear the story of one of the few patients who underwent the surgery and was able to talk about it afterward.

Bonus Factors: Dr. Walter Freeman

So Dully wasn't lobotomized by just any old clown, but the man who invented the transorbital procedure. After learning about the leucotomy--a lobotomy forerunner that required drilling through the skull--Freeman went all in. He developed the technique of going in through the eye sockets. He toured the country in his 'lobotomobile' (I wish I was making that up). He'd stop at hospitals and lobotomize patients at thirty bucks a head...so to speak.

Freeman was a photography fan, and would stop in the middle of the procedure to snap pictures. And yes, sometimes the instruments would slide into someone's brain while he was setting up the camera.

Dully relates how Freeman had him and two other lobotomized children accompany him to a lecture at a doctors' meeting. When the audience realized what Freeman had done to the kids, he was booed off the stage.

Freeman lost his medical license when a patient died while he was lobotomizing her for the third(!) time.

António Egas Moniz, the Portuguese doctor who originated the leucotomy, won the Nobel Prize in medicine in 1949, the same year he was shot by one of his patients.

Bromance Status: The Book That Could Kick My Books' Asses

Hey, my books are about teenage problems too! They're serious...oh, never mind. Here's my lunch money.

Previously: Paul blew up Castor HQ (and himself </3); Alison buys her mother's store, Bubbles, and slays her school trustee campaign speech; Jason kisses who he thinks was Alison, but was really Cosima reluctantly roped into clone swap; Cosima has some highly worrisome heavy bleeding; and Rachel deciphers Ethan's Dr. Moreau notes, but will only tell Sarah what it says (quelle surprise). 

Holy frack -- I go away for two episodes, and EVERYTHING HAPPENS. And by that, I mean RIP Major Dirty Paul (né Big Dick Paul). I guess I should have expected something major to happen, since it was during the same trip last year that Donnie accidentally shot and killed Dr. Leekie.

Even though Paul increasingly had less and less purpose other than double-/triple-/quadruple-crossing everybody, I didn't want him to, like, DIE. And I def. got a little verklempt at seeing the opening credits without Dylan Bruce's name for the first time. Although I do like the prospect of Sarah having no love interest at all for however long it lasts. SO MANY EMOTIONS.

Anyway. Major pants to Kandis for filling in for me these past two weeks!

Clone Club Chronicles

In addition to keeping impossibly coiffed, Delphine's new role at Dyad requires perf nail game. Except PSYCH -- she's actually just checking up on bubbly manicurist Krystal, the Leda clone that Rudy and Seth had assaulted. As distressing as that experience was -- esp. since Rudy and Seth had also killed the guy she was dating -- Krystal maintains a positive outlook. You're too good for this world, boo. 

At the only cantina in Mexico (or, more likely, the closest one to Castor HQ), Mother's already starting up the search for Sarah and Helena. She also has gnarly new scars -- like Mother, like son! -- thanks to Paul's parting gift, and she's tossing back shots and lamenting the loss of decades' worth of research. (Never mind that at least one of her Castor sons, if not two, also died that day (Miller and maybe Mark), but OK.) Mother is shocked to learn that her associate, some suit named David, has a source inside Leda, and she suspects that there are more factions than just Leda and Castor. I mean, good way to swap out Castor for a new set of clones if it doesn't work out, but the show's pretty saturated with clones as it is, you know? 

Out in the 'burbs, Alison and Donnie have a couple of new employees at Bubbles who will be boarding with them in their home: Helena and Gracie, who quickly bury the hatchet re: their shared Prolethean past. Gracie's even going to be an aunt to Helena's baby! Helena's also brought along her secret storage capsule of frozen embryos. (Although it's like, dude -- do you really want MORE Henrik babies? Then again, Helena has never really been concerned about that before, either.)

As Donnie shows Helena how to make soap at Bubbles, Helena expresses her not-so-secret newfound crush on her sister's husband. Between how Jason and Alison's mother have been treating Donnie lately, I'm glad there's someone other than Alison who appreciates the guy. Maybe a little too much, but still. 

Speaking of people who like married Hendrixes a little too much, Jason kissing Cosima-as-Alison is causing a bit of strain between our golden couple. Ali tries to clear the air with Jason, who responds with trying to jam his tongue down her throat. She insists that their relationship is strictly bidness, but he refuses to give up. "I know you felt something!" -- OH GOD, learn to take a rejection! Wearing someone down isn't a charming display of perseverance; it's disrespectful and creepy. 

Donnie isn't about to let some dude get away with macking on his wife, either. (But somehow in a non-territorial way. Probs because it's more like she owns him, and he knows it and loves it.) He lures Jason to the stockroom at Bubbles by sending a text from Alison's phone, but Jason brushes aside Donnie taking a stand for his marriage: "You work for me now, you understand? If I want your wife, I'll just take her." Which earns him a bitch slap from Donnie, who doesn't last long in this brawl, getting knocked out cold and left on the stockroom floor. OK, Jason -- you are officially beyond gross. Here's hoping Donnie will Leekie you soon. (But based on the previews, he might not have to...)

Over on Skype, Cosima and Sarah catch up with each other after the recent cray (and Shay) in their lives. Cos hands off breaking the big Dr. Moreau notes news for Scott to deliver, as well as how Rachel's only willing to tell Sarah what it says. If the notes truly contain Duncan's key to the synthetic sequence, then Dyad could use it to restart their cloning projects. Clone Club needs to figure out what the book says in order to make their next move, which means enlisting Rachel's help. 

Good ol' Rach is def. improving; she's putting on lipgloss and OMG sporting an eyepatch. She's also concerned that Delphine sees her as a threat and liability (which: Delphine's paranoia ain't unwarranted), so she's willing to translate the rest of the book if Clone Club can help her break out of Dyad and disappear to Taiwan. 

Mrs. S thinks this deal is bad news bears, endangering their alliance with Delphine and their best line of defense against Topside (which: Mrs. S's skepticism ain't unwarranted). What if Ethan was just cuckoo-pants? What if Rachel gives them a load of B.S.? But it's a risk that Sarah thinks is worth taking... and stealing Krystal's identity in order to sneak Rachel out of the country. 

Felix and Sarah take a short road trip to find Krystal at her nail salon, where Felix has booked an appointment and OMG he's using a North American accent aka Jordan Gavaris' real one! Fee's also playing straight and shamelessly flirting with Krystal, who's eating that shizz up.

Krystal's totally spilling her guts to Fee re: Rudy and Seth, just as she had with Delphine, because omg she has nobody to talk to, so she just tells everybody instead. Does she not have any friends or family at all? How does she stay so relentlessly upbeat with the shitstorm that happened to her? (Never mind that she unknowingly made out (and perhaps did more) with her own brother.) Not only that, but Fee discovers that Krystal's been OBSESSING over the incident; her instincts tell her that something ain't right, but she just can't piece it all together because no one ever makes the quantum leap to "OMG OF COURSE CLONES". Fee feels pretty shitty that he can't give Krystal the peace of mind that she's desperately looking for (and, y'know, that he has to steal her identity anyway, and for Rachel), but he blows his cover to reassure Krystal of her own worth.  

Taking a break from doing holistic shizz and being cute together, Cosima shows Shay around her lab at Dyad, where Shay immediately goes for THE copy of Dr. Moreau. (#ShayIsCray) Cos takes it away from her, giving it to Scott to safeguard. But the odd behaviour is quickly overshadowed by Delphine crashing the lab tour. (Saved by la belle!)

Aside from bringing up her suspicions re: Shay again, Delphine's here to talk shop. Using the one synthetic sequence that Ethan had given up, Dyad's European team was unsuccessful in treating a Polish clone. With Cosima in need of another treatment soon and Kira's stem cells out of the question (and continent), Cosima and Delphine need to figure out some other way to unlock the rest of the genetic sequences. If only Ethan documented his notes in some sort of book, and if only Delphine was aware of its existence... 

Oh, wait! How about that copy of Dr. Moreau that Scott's holding onto? Except Rudy somehow found out about it, and he's been waiting in Scott's apartment to unload a threat of feline violence and stroke Scott's cat (not a euphemism) like a mothercussing villian. Scott gives up the code, not the kitty, and calls Delphine out of panic. The cat's out of the bag (#sorrynotsorry): Delphine knows about the book, and she's not pleased that Castor now has it because Cosima and Scott didn't trust her enough to tell her and that they were too dumb to make a copy. 

But they weren't too dumb to make a copy! Cosima and Scott just didn't trust Delphine -- again -- to tell her about it, so they had it delivered to Sarah at Mrs. S's for safekeeping. With the help of Scott's gaming crew, they also manage to get Rachel out of Dyad, too. Rachel's new identity is all hers as soon as she finishes translating the book (WITH A GIANT MAGNIFYING GLASS omg I love it). She doesn't get too far when Dr. Nealon comes barging in with a team of goons for the extra copy that Delphine knew Clone Club must have had. (DAMMIT, DELPHINE. Why are you so good at your job?) Rachel becomes so upset with losing her book from her father that she starts seizing. Nealon brings her and the copy back to Dyad, where Delphine is majorly pissed that he took such a risk with the life of the only person who knows what the frigging book even says.

Delphine isn't going to be any happier that Rachel's been put in a coma to reduce the swelling in her brain. OR HAS SHE?!?! No; no, she hasn't, and no one at Dyad knows but Dr. Nealon. Rachel's been in surgery, all right -- but overseas for an eye transplant, being overseen by a mysterious woman in a lab coat. So who's Dr. Nealon operating on at Dyad then? It's Rachel's (unwilling) eye donor, Krystal. DAMMIT, SHOW. Because the poor woman hasn't been shat on enough? Did you have to take her eye, too!?

Just as Cosima and Delphine seemed to be getting back on better terms -- science-ing together and FINALLY hashing shizz out (and kissing! There was kissing!) -- the Rachel debacle and Cosima's involvement in it has turned Delphine's ice cold Dyad director mode back on. She lets Cosima resign from Dyad (which had been a diversion for Scott and Rachel to get away), even after initially trying to convince her to stay for her own protection, and she accepts Scott's nonexistence resignation as well. Delphine also gives Cos some reading material to go over in her new unemployment: a file on Shay, which must be undoubtedly full of dirt. 

As for Sarah, Fee, and Mrs. S., they only have the page that Rachel had translated before she was taken away. All signs point to London as being the location of the Castor original, and they have to get to him first before anybody else does. 

Clone Crush

Oh, man -- Rudy very nearly won it with his cat-stroking villainy, but POOR KRYSTAL. Just a clone trying to live her best life (until the Leda defect ravages her, at least), until she gets caught in Dyad's sights* and harvested for organs. This purse dildo's for you, Bitch Mistress of Comes-a-Lot.** 

*OH GOD, pun unintentional. 

**WELPZ, I can cross that sentence off of my bucket list now. 

Maximum Maslanys

After her latest health scare, Cosima and Sarah have a heart-to-heart via Skype. Rachel also Skypes with Sarah, then later joins her at Mrs. S's, post extraction. Along with Gracie, Helena is the Hendrixes' new houseguest, which means borrowing Alison's clothes. And maybe husband as well.

Felix Felicis

Wait, has the Tatiana/Jordan flirtation episode become an annual tradition now? (Tony's ep was also the eigthth of last season!) If so: HERE FOR IT. Even though Krystal's storyline was all-around heartbreaking, I did delight in Felix showing that Sarah isn't "the only hustler in the family."

"... I just want you to know."

Leda vs. Castor

Team Leda may have lost the original and the copy of Ethan's Dr. Moreau notes, but they have a new lead on the Castor original in London. Castor HQ might be no more, but Rudy and Mother are still alive. Although without that original genome, the surviving Castor clone(s?) only has another year or two left to live anyway. Mark's whereabouts are unknown, but he's been presumed dead before. CORPSE OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. (Yes, I'm still in semi-denial about Paul.)

Cloned Quotes

Sarah:  Looking good, Rachel. 

Rachel:  New accessories.

Those deliveries were golden. How is she SO GOOD at acting opposite herself!?

Delphine:  My security concerns, they're not jealousy. I'm French; we enjoy lovers.

Ever so pragmatic, that Delphine. 

Helena (to Donnie):  You have meat on your bones. You are strong like baby ox. This I like.

Stealing for my Tinder pickup line. 

Felix (to Krystal):  I'm pretty good with my tools. 

Sarah (in Felix's earpiece):  Wow, Fee -- you don't have to shag her, just get her info. 

He can't help it if that sexual magnetism is impossible to contain, Sarah!

Felix:  The only thing that you need to know is that you are one of a kind. You're a survivor, Krystal. And you're not alone. 

Oh, Fee. Guardian angel to all clones. <3

Scott:  Please. Denise has feline asthma. 

That entire scene was so ridic and amazing.

Felix:  What kind of monster threatens a man's cat? 

What kind of monster indeed. She has feline asthma, dammit!

Scott:  Um... can you... can you go faster? 

Rachel:  This is top speed. 

Potential spin-off: Rachel and the Dyad nerds team up for high-stakes, low-speeds heists. 

Donnie:  I may be a bitch, but I'm Alison's bitch. 

TRUE LOVE.

Biggest "OMG DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!?" Moment

I don't know why, but I didn't suspect that Dr. Nealon and Rachel would be screwing over Krystal as badly as they did. Again: POOR KRYSTAL. 

"I just feel like, you know, in spite of everything, [...] you can’t crush the human spirit." Don't know why she's a human bobblehead here, though.

Curiosity Killed the Clone

•  The woman at Rachel's surgery: totally Rachel's mom, the other Dr. Duncan, right? 

•  First Beth and now Krystal, two episodes later. Who's the next clone to curb stomp on our hearts?

•  Who else loves the lingering shots on Rachel warily eyeing (har) pencils? 

•  Donnie + Alison, or Donnie + Helena? I remain steadfast on Team Hendrix, although I guffawed mightily when Helena started hitting on Donnie.

•  Donnie Hendrix: Season 3 MVP? Discuss. (OK, I'll start. Hilarity aside, I love how Donnie's just an ordinary dude who has no pretenses on being uber macho and stereotypically manly. He took his wife's last name! He's her bitch! HE TWERKS! Vote Donnie Hendrix for your progressive heartthrob.)

Next episode: London calling to the faraway towns; Mrs. S vows to kill the O.G. Castor; OMG MRS. S SINGS; Cosima finally wises up to Shady Shay, and Delphine's like, "DUH"; Ferdinand the cleaner is back; Donnie's all bruised up, and a bloodied someone -- Helena? -- is wielding a butcher knife. 

Last week, Siren’s Fury, the second book in Mary Weber’s Storm Siren trilogy, was released. I’ll be reviewing the book later this month, but today we’re celebrating with a fun giveaway! First things first, however ...

(A word of warning: there are possible spoilers ahead. If you haven’t read the first book in the series—Storm Siren—you might want to skip the synopsis below.)

Here’s the official word:

"I thrust my hand toward the sky as my voice begs the Elemental inside me to waken and rise. But it's no use. The curse I've spent my entire life abhorring—the thing I trained so hard to control—no longer exists."

Nym has saved Faelen only to discover that Draewulf stole everything she valued. Now he’s destroyed her Elemental storm-summoning ability as well.

When Nym sneaks off with a host of delegates to Bron, Lord Myles offers her the chance for a new kind of power and the whispered hope that it may do more than simply defeat the monster she loathes. But the secrets the Bron people have kept concealed, along with the horrors Draewulf has developed, may require more than simply harnessing a darker ability.

They may require who she is.

Set against the stark metallic backdrop of the Bron kingdom, Nym is faced with the chance to change the future.

Or was that Draewulf’s plan for her all along?

I really enjoy both this series and the fun giveaways we get to run to go along with the release of the books—see: the giveaway we ran for Storm Siren. The giveaway for Siren’s Fury is equally cool: a set of Jamberry nail wraps inspired by the cover of the book.

For a chance to win, leave a comment below telling us what you’d do or what you'd turn do if you lost a superpower (meditation, martial arts, mad science, etc.). We'll randomly choose a winner next Monday, June 15. U.S. readers only, please.

About Mary:

Mary Weber is a ridiculously uncoordinated girl plotting to take over make-believe worlds through books, handstands and imaginary throwing knives. In her spare time, she feeds unicorns, sings 80’s hairband songs to her three muggle children and ogles her husband who looks strikingly like Wolverine. They live in California, which is perfect for stalking L.A. bands, Joss Whedon and the ocean.

You can connect with Mary via Twitter, on Facebook or on her website.

Siren's Fury is available now.

The Road So Far

Welcome to week 28 of the rewatch project, superfans! This week brings us some quality time with our favorite Loki-esque villain, the Trickster, as well as Supernatural’s homage to a great cult movie, Assault on Precinct 13.

Cheers to the classics!

THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME:

Take a drink every time:

•  There’s a corpse

•  A demon possesses and/or makes a deal with some hapless schmuck

•  Dean embraces the end

•  Dean crams his face full of junk food

•  Anyone is tied up

•  Either brother picks a lock

•  Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias

•  The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty

3x11: Mystery Spot

Monster of the Week: Trickster

Sam wakes to Asia’s “Heat of the Moment,” apparently a favorite song of his overly cheery brother.

And now it’s one of my favorites too.

At the local diner, Dean orders the “pig ‘n a poke” special to Sam’s disgust, and they discuss their current gig, investigating the disappearance of a man after he visited a tourist attraction called “The Broward County Mystery Spot.” They head there after hours, breaking in to see what they’ll find.

What they find is a whole lotta ugly.

Despite being painted in a shade of greenish travesty, there’s nothing genuinely odd about the place. But before they can leave, the proprietor catches them. Nervous, he trains a shotgun on the boys. Dean reacts, raising his own weapon and the man shoots! OMG, YOU GUYS, HE JUST KILLED DEAN.

A tragedy. And yes, I am speaking of the Pussycat Dolls ad thrown over this moment.

Then a funny thing happens. One minute Sam is holding his brother and weeping. The next, he’s waking up again to the stirring sounds of Asia! It’s a time loop, darlings. Sam tries to explain this to Dean, who is reluctant to believe him. Still, he agrees to check out the mystery spot in the daytime. But no sooner has this accord been reached then Dean steps out into the street and…

Gotta look both ways, buddy.

Sam wakes up again. This time he explains it to Dean by referencing Groundhog’s Day. Dean reacts as any normal person would and asks if it looked cool when he got nailed by the car.

With that cleared up, they head back to the Mystery spot and interview the proprietor. Sam, barely able to keep his rage in check at his brother’s potential murderer, scares the man into telling him there is nothing actually mysterious about the Mystery Spot. Dean suggests to defeat this loop all they need to do is for him not to die. He is then promptly crushed by a dresser falling out a second story window.

DEATH MONTAGE!

Dean chokes on sausage. Dean slips in the shower. Dean eats a bad taco. Dean gets electrocuted. Sam is in the mystery spot, tearing it apart with an axe as Dean tries to console the tied-up owner. Dean tries to wrestle the axe away from Sam. Dean gets chopped by an axe.

More than a hundred Tuesdays pass before Dean changes one small action, talking to a girl handing out flyers. She’s the daughter of the missing man. As Sam rushes to talk to her, Dean gets mauled by a golden retriever. But the next day, Sam says he discovered the missing man was a reporter who rejoiced in debunking supernatural tourist attractions. Humiliating the high-and-mighty? The boys realize that sounds like the Trickster’s MO!

They find him and get the drop on him with a wooden stake. Sam demands to know why he’s doing this? Is this fun to him?

*offers Trickster fist bump*

The Trickster’s real reason for putting Sam through this hellacious time loop is that he needs to realize that no matter what, he can’t save Dean. With that little lesson served, the Trickster puts them back into regular time. When they wake up, it’s Wednesday! Everything is great and shiny, at least until Dean gets shot to death in by a homeless guy in a parking lot. But this time, there’s no do-over, darlings.

Six months later, Sam travels the country alone, hunting creatures, tracking the Trickster and turning into a bona fide badass.

Like a performs-his-own-bullet-extraction badass.

Sam gets a tip from Bobby about the Trickster’s location. He says they need to perform a summoning ritual that will require a human sacrifice. Sam readily agrees. Bobby is beyond disappointed. He says if getting Dean back is so important than Sam should just use his blood, kill him for it. Sam does, correctly assessing that this is another of the Trickster’s games. The god appears and Sam begs him to give his brother back, promising never to chase him again. The Trickster obliges and time rewinds six months, bringing our Dean back.

Brotherly Angst Quotient: Relentless

The Trickster says he’s been trying to teach Sam a lesson, that his and Dean’s co-dependence will lead to nothing but blood and pain (and eleven seasons, apparently). But Sam resolutely refuses to learn it.

Dean’s Deal: The Trickster reiterates there is no way out.

How Drunk Are We?: OMG, we can’t even. Take thirteen drinks for Dean corpses and junk food binges.

The Quotable Winchesters: “You’re Travis Bickle in a skirt, pal. I’m over it.” –The Trickster, finally tired of effing with newly hardcore Sam.

Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:

Dean’s craving for the pig ‘n a poke can’t be satiated, not even in a hundred Tuesdays.

Notable Cameos: None

3x12: Jus in Bello

Monster of the Week:  Demons

The boys have discovered Bela’s hideout! The bad news is she’s already long gone with the Colt. The worse news? She tipped Agent Henriksen to their location. He bursts in with a team of local deputies and haul the boys off to the police station!

Back at the station, Henriksen warns the sheriff that the Winchesters are more dangerous than Hannibal Lecter. They’re such high priority that Henriksen’s boss himself comes in a chopper to pick them up. He slaps Henriksen with some paper work and heads inside the holding cell to have a look at the boys. Then he pulls out his gun and shoots Dean in the shoulder. Sam wrestles the gun away from him as he reveals himself to be a demon! Sam performs a quick exorcism, but before the demon leaves the boss’s body, he tells them to get ready—it’ll be a long night.

Seeing his boss’s dead body, Henriksen orders a deputy to check on the men posted outside. They’re all dead! So are the phones. The station is under siege with at least 30 people outside. Henriksen accuses the Winchesters of arranging the attack from the outside and SO does not want to hear their demonic explanations. Dean finds the bright side in the whole have a ton of demons closing in on them situation.

The sheriff is not into Henriksen’s “wait out the siege” plan. He comes to get Dean and Sam. But before he can release them Henriksen shoots him! He’s demon-possessed too! The boys manage to exorcise the demon from his body. He is nonplussed but goes for the joke and that makes me love him a little.

If you’re wondering if Dean tells him he didn’t shoot the deputy, you don’t know Dean as well as I thought you did, darlings.

Okay! Now everyone is on board that the station is being sieged by demons and they begin following the boys’ advice on how to secure it with salt and devil’s traps. Dean sneaks out to the impound lot to get weapons from the Impala’s carsenal and gets a glimpse at what they’re up against.

A ministry of demons. (That’s probably not the correct grouping name, but it’s metal, so we’ll call it even).

Dean hands out anti-possession medallions and shows off his and Sammy’s sweet anti-demon possession tattoos. Soon after, Ruby makes it into the station! She says the demons were sent by Lilith, the rising power who wants Sam dead. She’s furious when she hears the Colt is gone and says their only way out of this is a spell that will kill every demon in the area, including her. But to make it work, she needs the heart of a virgin—the station’s secretary. The secretary agrees when she hears it will save her possessed loved ones outside. Sam is on board with the idea. Dean?

Is not.

He berates Sam, asking when they threw out the rulebook and stop acting like humans? Sam is persuaded to his way of thinking and they decide to just open the doors and fight. Ruby leaves in a huff, saying she bet on the wrong horse. But she’s wrong about being wrong! Dean’s plan works. They let the demons in, trap them with salt and perform a mass exorcism over the PA.

Is it me or are the actors all using “CHUG!” as their motivation?

It’s over! Henriksen tells the Winchesters he’ll cover up what happened with the least ridiculous lie he can come up with in five minutes. He’ll also tell the FBI they’re dead to give them some breathing room. The brothers leave and all is well.

Until a little girl shows up. *cue screaming*

She says she’s looking for two boys, one very tall and one very cute. Then her eyeballs turn bone white and she incinerates the whole station with all the siege survivors, including Henriksen, trapped inside.

Meet Lilith.

Ruby shows up to deliver the news to the Winchesters. She gives them charm bags to throw everyone off the trail and berates them for not listening to her. Both look devastated.

Brotherly Angst Quotient: Noble and stuff

Dean and Henriksen have a nice chat. The cop says he feels like he’s wasted his life fighting something so mundane as criminals. He asks if humanity can win against something so powerful as demons. Dean says in truth he thinks the world will end bloody, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t fight while they can.

Dean’s Deal: No progress.

How Drunk Are We?: Let’s just say Keith Richards would be impressed. Take roughly 45 drinks for a buttload of demon possessions, a not insubstantial number of corpses and two Winchesters in bondage.

The Quotable Winchesters: “Anyone got a breath mint? Some guts splattered in my mouth while I was killing my way in here.” -Ruby

Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:

Don’t tell me these two weren’t the talk of the tattoo parlor after they left.

Notable Cameos:

Aimee Garcia of Dexter plays the virgin secretary.

Next week: The return of Ghostfacers. Yay?

A few weeks ago, we shared the news of The Lexie Project, Heather Demetrios' follow-up, er, project to Something Real which officially launches today! In honour of this multi-media storytelling experience, Lexie herself stopped by FYA HQ for a chat -- with a cameo from Heather!

THE ACTUAL BOOK RELATED QUESTIONS

Hey Lexie and Heather! Thanks so much for taking the time to chat with me. So we know what Heather's been up to lately (I'll Meet You There and the Dark Caravan Cycle, holla!), but Lexie -- what's been new with you since we saw you last in your family's reality show, Baker's Dozen: Fresh Batch?

LEXIE BAKER: Hey! Always love hanging out with my fave bloggers. In terms of what I’ve been up to… well, I’m sure you heard about the whole Real Life debacle. But for those of your readers who haven’t, I was on this show that started up not too long after I graduated high school. It was kind of like The Real World. There were a bunch of us living in a house and, you know, drama. And before you even ask: No, Seth Jerrick and I aren’t together anymore. Yes, I’m still mad he broke up with me by writing a note on a box of condoms. Anyway, now I’m doing The Lexie Project, which is a show about me trying to make it in Hollywood. So far, so good. First episode is next week. And, of course, I’m letting Heather Demetrios write my novelized memoir. Which is super nice of her because I so don’t have time to write a book. Or, like, literary skills.

A couple of your siblings famously quit Baker's Dozen, but you've chosen to embrace the spotlight. Have you ever considered walking away from fame?

LB: No way. How boring would that be? I mean, I’ve been famous my whole life. Being non-famous…I’m honestly not sure what I’d do with myself.

Real talk: what did you think of your sister Chloe's own novelized memoir, Something Real? Do you feel you were accurately portrayed?

LB: Ah, water under the bridge. Chlo did what she had to. I think I was sometimes portrayed as ditzy or camera hungry, but I guess that’s all I let Chloe see—like, she only saw how I played the game, not who I am. Look, you do what you have to in this business. She wasn’t able to do that, so she got out. It’s important for people to know that she didn’t lie at all about anything I said, but all that psychoanalyzing about why I couldn’t hold down a relationship was going a bit too far. I mean, what is so bad about getting laid, am I right? For the record, I’m happy, I’m living my life on my own terms—and so is she.

Heather, you previously worked with Chloe for Something Real. How have the two processes -- and co-authors -- differed so far?

HEATHER DEMETRIOS: Well, Chloe and Lexie are very different, as I’m sure you all know, but both are professional—which isn’t surprising, because they’ve been working since they were born on camera. They get that I’m writing a novel about their lives, not a straight up ghost-written memoir, so in many ways, they become characters in their own stories.

The major difference is that Chloe and I had time to go over everything together, whereas Lexie and I are putting her story out in real time. In many ways, it almost feels more authentic. Lexie’s much more involved in the process, since she’s blogging and tweeting and all that while I’m writing the novelized memoir. Chloe just said, “do right by me and we’re good.” Lexie’s more like, “do right by me or I’ll cut your face.” Kidding! But Lexie…she’s a CEO in pretty packaging. Don’t let her fool you. She’s one of the savviest girls I know. Both have become friends.

Do you have any plans to work with another Baker in the future? (Hint, hint: BENNY!)

HD: Oh, Benny. I adore that boy. I’ve gotten to hang out with him a lot because he and Lexie live in the same city, so whenever I’m in LA it’s like this whirlwind reunion that involves margaritas (I should mention that they are underage, but in Europe they’re allowed to drink and, also, I disagree with the drinking law. If you can die for your country and get married and drive a car—dude, you should be able to have a few, you know?).

Benny’s a huge part of Lex’s story, just like he was in Chloe’s. But there is no way in hell he’d ever let me do a novelized memoir about him. It’s funny, people think Chloe’s the most private Baker, but it’s really Benny. He knows how to fade into the background. He’s the real enigma. It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for, right?

Speaking of the other Bakers: Lexie, can we expect any of them -- esp. the fame-adverse ones and their hot boyfriends -- to visit you once The Lexie Project starts up? Or even joining you on your roomie's Youtube channel? Will Heather make an appearance, too?

LB: Oh, you’ll see plennnnnnnty of my fame-adverse siblings and their boy toys. No offense to Patrick, but Matt is totally the hot one. Sometimes Benny and I pretend to arm wrestle over him. I might pop onto Noelle’s YouTube, but the others…nah, I doubt it. And even though Heather has a degree in theater, I don’t think you’ll see her there either (although, I bribed her with a year’s worth of Coffee Bean and I can already see her cracking under the pressure).

Big picture time. Lexie, what are your hopes for The Lexie Project -- both the Metareel show and the novelized memoir? For your career in general? Tell me your ultimate aspirations!

LB: My whole thing with The Lexie Project is that I want people to see the real me. Not the kid on Baker’s Dozen, not the sap on Real Life, and certainly not the version the tabloids have of me. I want people to know I’m an actual person and that I’m serious about my future—I don’t expect anything to be handed to me. So, for my career, I basically want to be a combination of Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn (not the sex symbol Marilyn, but the actress and icon Marilyn). Throw in a little Meryl Streep while you’re at it. What I’m saying is: I want to be the real deal—one of the greats. Also: I want an Oscar. I mean, while we’re dreaming, I can have it all, right?

THE YA QUESTIONS

If your real life adolescence was a YA book...

What would you, the main character, be like?

LB: Um. Heather will kinda kill me for saying this, but…I’m not super into reading. I mean, I read plays and Vogue and fashion blogs—does that count as reading? I do watch the YA movies, though, and I kinda feel like Chloe would have been Katniss and I would have been that girl who’s always trying to kill her. The one that doesn’t take any shit. I can’t remember her name.

I'm guessing you mean Clove? Pro-tip: don't mess with Lexie, y'all.

Who is your secret crush?

LB: I won’t tell you my first secret crush because I know him. But my second secret crush is totally Channing Tatum. I just really, really want to make out with him. And have him dance for me.

Your wish is my command! (Wait, which which Heather book is this again?)

What is your number #1 source of angst?

LB: My weight. It’s really stressful trying to be an actress and not being hungry. Especially because there’s so much good food on set! Someone is always like, do you want something, I’m making an In-N-Out run and I look at my carrot sticks like, fuck you carrots. You guys don’t have In-N-Out in Canada, but trust me, you’d want to stuff your face with their burgers and shakes.

In-N-Out is indeed one of my burger goals, along with Shake Shack! Stupid Hollywood's twisted view on body image for trying to keep tasty business away from you.

At what point would the reader pump his/her fist in victory?

LB: Hmmm. I’d have to say at the beginning of Episode 2. Someone is a total dick to me and I was not having it. Girl power to the max.

And who would play you in the film adaptation?

LB: Oh, that’s easy—Hayden Panettiere. People tell me I look like her all the time. 

I certainly see the resemblance, but I had pictured Candice Accola's brand of sass for you when I was reading Something Real!

THE SLUMBER PARTY QUESTIONS

What is your secret power?

LB: I can make a guy do anything I want him to.

Daaaamn -- get it, girl!

What is your #1 favorite food?

LB: Those Little Debbie Nutty Bars. Goddamn, they’re good.

Tell me about your area of expertise.

LB: Social media. I love being online and interacting with my fans. Tumblr is basically my diary. I’ve never been a private person—I mean, that’s pretty hard when you grew up like I did.

If you could assemble your own Ocean's 11 of fictional characters, who would you pick and why?

LB: Um…remember the not reading part? But let me run and ask my roomie, Noelle Non Merci (yeah, the famous YouTube star), because she’ll know.

(Runs to living room). Okay, I’m back. She said these are the people she thinks I’d want in my corner:

Katniss Everdeen because she’d aim her bow and arrow at haters.
Emmett Cullen because he’d be an awesome bodyguard.
Jace from The Mortal Instruments because everyone needs some eye candy around and he’d probably beat up the paparazzi if I asked him to.
Lola from Lola and the Boy Next Door because she’d be a great hype girl.
Voldemort because, sorry, everyone needs a super bad villain in their lives.
But also Hermione because she’s super smart.
Let’s add Frankie from The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks because she’s sneaktastic (Noelle’s words, not mine, obvs).
Celaena from Throne of Glass because 1) every girl needs an assassin on hand and 2) Noelle thinks she’d be really great at breaking into banks, if the situation called for it.
Also, Nalia from Heather’s book Exquisite Captive because she is hella magical (I read that one—for the record, TEAM MALEK).
Arya from Game of Thrones—I saw the show, so that’s mine re: the need for badasses on your team.
Also Romeo because Noelle says I need a boy to talk pretty to me or I can’t, like, function properly.

What is your best karaoke song?

LB: "Irreplaceable" by Beyoncé. Dude, I rock that so hard.

Tell me something scandalous!

LB: You’ll see it at the end of Episode 2. I’m not proud of it, but it’s scandalous, all right.

The mysterious Episdoe 2 strikes again! CANNOT WAIT.

What is your favorite adult beverage?

LB: Mimosas.

What book have you read (or movie you’ve watched) the most number of times?

LB: Clueless.

Who is your "freebie"?

LB: Well, I’m currently single, so this doesn’t really apply, but it would have to be Channing Tatum. Like, I could be married to the best guy in the entire world, but if Channing came along, sorry, I am totally sleeping with him. At least once. But probably multiple times.

YA authors are so cool. Who would you give a BFF charm to?

LB: So easy! Heather, obvs.

Agreed -- I'd totally give her one, too! (AND I DID.)

If you were invited to the FYA slumber party (and obvs, you ARE), what is the most crucial snack food and/or movie/or anything you'd bring?

LB: We’d have to watch Mean Girls and eat Ben and Jerry’s---like, each girl gets her own pint. These two things are totally non-negotiable.

Girl, you're our kind of people.

MASH

Lexie provided the first three options, and the fourth option was chosen for her. The magic number was 4. 

MASH

SPOUSE 
Channing Tatum
Bruno Mars
Ian Somerhalder
Spencer Pratt from The Hills

HONEYMOON
Paris
Cancun
Monte Carlo
Xquisite Strip Club, home of Magic Mike

# OF KIDS
0
0
0
A baker's dozen

JOB
Actress
Model
Pop singer
Public notary

INCOME
Bill Gates status
Kate Middleton’s Financial Sitch
The Clintons (cuz they have mad dough)
Net worth of the Snyder family, founders of In-N-Out

HOMETOWN
LA
Miami
NYC
District 12

PET
My Yorkie, Fred Astaire
A white tiger
A parrot who tells mean reporters to fuck off
Tracker jacker

CAR
Lotus
Bentley
Maserati
DeLorean

An actress in L.A.? WHOA, this was eerily accurate. And deffo meant to be, Lexie!

Thanks for stopping by, Lexie and Heather!

The Invasion of the Tearling is the second in Erika Johansen’s series, The Queen of the Tearling. The book expands on the world of the Tearling, and shows the consequences of main character Kelsea Glynn’s actions in the first book, The Queen of the Tearling. (Check out my review of the first book in the series here; my review of the second book will be up soon.) Erika recently stopped by our lockers to talk about what inspired the series and more. Read the interview below.

THE ACTUAL BOOK-RELATED QUESTIONS

What inspired you to write The Queen of the Tearling series?

I wanted to write about a world where an idealistic ruler could actually effect change. Looking at our current world, that pretty much required me to create a new place.

Your series is fantasy, yet also dystopian. Why did you create your new world “on top of” your own?

Because both the future and the past are interesting periods, and the past always shapes the future. Looking at any dystopia without seeing a) how we got there and b) how our history continues to repeat itself makes that dystopia less interesting to me. I don’t buy the idea that a writer needs to pick either the past or the future to focus on. The Tearling is a blend of dystopian future and medieval past; I found it very realistic that people seeking to create a utopia would first abandon all technology, and that definitely means a reversion to a simpler way of life.

The Queen of the Tearling and, I’m assuming, The Invasion of the Tearling, straddle the line between the Young Adult and Adult genres. Why you do you think your story appeals to such a wide audience?

I didn’t write either book specifically to appeal to young adults; I don’t write with any age group in mind. But it has been gratifying to see so many young adult readers find something they like in the Tearling. If I had to guess, I would say it’s Kelsea. I get pretty tired of seeing only one kind of heroine out there: beautiful and self-assured. I remember feeling so frustrated in this respect when I was a teenager. There were plenty of good stories, but they all seemed to have protagonists I couldn’t possibly identify with. Very few YA fantasy authors were exploring the difficulties of feeling ugly, having serious social problems, distrusting one’s own family … and it seemed to me that the sort of YA books that did tackle these subjects always ended with that character somehow “getting over” her problems and becoming thoroughly well-adjusted by the end of the book. But adolescent problems are not so easily solved, and they frequently follow us into adulthood. I felt cheated by these comfortable endings. So I would guess many teenagers also want to see transporting, fantasy fiction deal with these problems in an honest way. Kelsea is nineteen, and she’s nowhere near perfect, and it weighs on her. She’s a work in progress, like most of us are. I think there’s great appeal in such characters, no matter the reader’s age.

Your main character, Kelsea Glynn, is a strong, loyal and determined woman. What made you write her the way you did?

I think there aren’t enough strong women in fiction. When they are strong, often the strength is superficial, physical rather than mental, manifested in the shape of a warrior. And that’s the best case scenario; far too many heroines undercut their own strength by being clingy, reckless, overly romantic or irrationally headstrong. I very much wanted to see women having more routes to success in fiction than via physical violence or falling in love. So I created Kelsea, who finds her own strength in fairness, books and idealism. She’s no Hermione Granger, but I tried my best. We need many, many more Hermiones in fiction.

Hear, hear!

For those of us who’ve read The Queen of the Tearling, and are looking forward to reading The Invasion of the Tearling, can you give us any non-spoilery hints for what’s in store for Kelsea and her friends (and enemies)?

Kelsea has to fight off the army of Mortmesne, which is coming to invade her country. As she finds herself changing in inexplicable ways, Kelsea will also get a first-hand look at what caused the Crossing and how the Tearling came to be.

THE YA QUESTIONS

If your real-life adolescence was a YA book, what would you, the main character, be like?

I would be overweight, angry and deeply unhappy. I would have very little social self-awareness. I would have my nose buried in a book, or homework, all the time, because these things seem much safer than the real world. I would be almost single-mindedly focused on my future. (Clearly, this would not be the most gripping of novels.)

I think a lot of young women would relate to it, though! Myself included.

Who is your secret crush?

Some guy who couldn’t care less about me.

What is your #1 source of angst?

The phoniness I perceive in the world around me. I identify deeply with Holden Caulfield.

At what point would the reader pump his/her fist in victory?

When I get into my dream college.

And who would play you in the film adaptation?

A much younger Melanie Lynskey.

The actual Erika

THE SLUMBER PARTY QUESTIONS

What is your secret power?

My temper. It will melt a glacier.

What is your #1 favorite food?

Bacon

If you could assemble your own Ocean’s 11 of fictional characters, who would you pick?

Hermione Granger, Nick Andros, Lisbeth Salander, Hazel the rabbit, Elizabeth Bennet, Atticus Finch, Anne Shirley, Hercule Poirot, V.I. Warshawski, Gandalf, Eowyn.

I would LOVE to read a story that included all of these awesome individuals.

What is your best karaoke song?

I loathe karaoke.

Tell me something scandalous?

American women still make only 78 cents to a man’s dollar.

What is your favorite adult beverage?

A White Russian

What book have you read the most number of times?

The Lord of the Rings

YA authors are so cool. Who would you give a BFF charm to?

Ellen Emerson White

Out of all of the characters you’ve written, which one do you most wish you could be?

Kelsea Glynn

If you were invited to the FYA slumber party (and obvs, you ARE), what is the most crucial food and/or movie and/or anything you’d bring?

Ben and Jerry’s Banana Split ice cream

Thanks so much for stopping by, Erika!

The Invasion of the Tearling is available now.

Welcome back to the YA Movie News Roundup! Let's hop to. 

The trailer for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 is live, and it is MAJOR. Brienne Tarth! Effie's hair! Poor little Prim! Hit us up with your reactions in the comments.

The Shadowhunters Twitter has released a couple of teasers.

#Shadowhunters. Coming to @ABCFamily in 2016. https://t.co/LGVbKIw2Tu

— Shadowhunters (@ShadowhuntersTV) June 3, 2015

#Shadowhunters. Coming to @ABCFamily in 2016. https://t.co/0XOmpKtxtH

— Shadowhunters (@ShadowhuntersTV) June 3, 2015

Alexis Coe's Alice + Freda Forever will be adapted into a movie by The Babadook's Jennifer Kent. Jennifer Kent is wonderful and so is The Babadook, so this is good news for fans of Alice + Freda. 

In 1892, America was obsessed with a teenage murderess, but it wasn't her crime that shocked the nation—it was her motivation. Nineteen-year-old Alice Mitchell had planned to pass as a man in order to marry her seventeen-year-old fiancée Freda Ward, but when their love letters were discovered, they were forbidden from ever speaking again.

Fantasia's the next Disney film getting the live-action treatment.

Have you seen Spy yet? You really, really should. I wrote a piece about how Paul Feig's latest is a brilliant commentary on Melissa McCarthy's career.

We have LOTS of news from the ATX Television Festival last weekend, so stay tuned for that. I wrote up the Bunheads and Hannibal panels here, and later today I'll publish a recap of the Gilmore Girls and Hep Alien reunions. ALSO THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER.

That's it for this week! Give us your thoughts downstairs.