Okay, y’all, I’m breaking this one down by plot element because, like a Frito Pie, there were a lot of things layered ontop of one another.

The Van Baalen Brothers: We start out with a spaceship (awesome) spewing some goldish fuel dust as it drifts along. I’m choosing to take that as a really, really slight Firefly reference because it’s the internet and we will Never Let It Go. This is a family salvaging business consisting of two brothers, Gregor and Bram, and their android tagalong, Tricky.

They capture the TARDIS and plan to cash in on its scrap, but the Doctor lures them into helping him find Clara before he sets the TARDIS to self-destruct. The brothers and their robot grudgingly comply, except that Tricky is no droid, he’s a Real Boy, who suffered some space accident that forced him to lose his sight, voice, and memory. After the robo-implants, his brothers tricked him into thinking he was an android. Which is all KINDS of messed up. And inexcusable? Like, realizing he’d been lied to all these years could have been very powerful, but the reasoning is wack: his jerky brothers were just being jerks and pranked him. In space. Things get Shakespearean when we learn that this prank was partially motivated by Gregor not wanting Tricky to take over as captain of the ship, which again, I say is a veritable platter of messed-up-edness. Especially because in the end, Gregor is nicer to Tricky, but we don’t really get the sense that Tricky will inherit the business as his father intended.

On the one hand, I love that it’s a pretty dark twist. On the other, we spend such little time with the brothers that they really come across as cruel. There could have been more of a parallel between Tricky finding out the truth about himself and Clara finding out about her mystery from the Doctor. Both revelations ring a little hollow because of the time-reset at the end and the fact that everyone seemingly forgets. How cool would it have been if Clara and Tricky were separated from the others, and she was the one to help him realize the truth about himself?

The Doctor/Clara/The TARDIS: Clara’s separated from everyone in the initial magnetic blast, and is stuck wandering the depths of the TARDIS alone. We get some great scenes of a massive library, the famed indoor pool, and the Gallifreyan version of the Room of Requirement where the Doctor has stashed all his knickknacks. Highlights include the Doctor’s baby cradle and the toy TARDIS that Amy created as a kid. While in the library, Clara stumbles upon a history of the Time War, and finds out who the Doctor really is (dun dun DUN!).

In addition to wandering the maze that is the TARDIS, she’s also stalked by a snarling, glowing zombie beast that winds up being the future version of herself, burned to a crisp after too much time near the Eye of Harmony. The episode’s strongest point is when things start to get timey-wimey and Clara sees past echoes of her and the Doctor within the TARDIS. I thought we might get an out-of-time version of their big confrontation, with Clara seeing echoes of the Doctor freaking out on her.

Instead, the simmering mystery of Clara’s origin climaxes in linear fashion, when the time loop completes itself and the burning Eye of Harmony turns the Baalen Bros and Clara into lava zombies. With TARDIS destruction imminent, the Doctor is backed into a corner and lashes out at Clara, telling her he’s run into her before and asking her what her ulterior motive is. Mind you, I didn’t think ALL secrets would be revealed or resolved, but I was still a little let down at how quickly and accusatorily he brings up her impossible nature only to immediately decide she has no sinister motive.

Clara says she’s scared—and rightly so, as the Doctor gets a bit terrifying—but it’s not long before they’re hugging it out and the rift in time puts everyone back to where they were at the start of the episode. I’m guessing that Clara will remember pieces of the conversation in upcoming episodes, similar to how Gregor is nicer to Tricky in the re-booted timeline, but for now the answer to her mystery is going to be teased out just a little longer.

Which brings me to…

The Lava Zombies: call me picky, but I think this would have worked better if we had one or the other: zombies or Baalen Bros. Having both at once gave the episode a case of the Too-Much-Going-Ons. Overall, this is my second favorite episode after Hide. I think I’m just being a Negative Nancy because I wanted more of Clara and the TARDIS’s voice-visual interface interaction. Or a longer, messier fight between Clara and the Doctor where she demands more answers or threatens to stop traveling with him altogether. She knew he had been time-stalking her, and then finds out he’s seen her die multiple times. Like, girl, weren’t you ever taught not to get into spaceships with strange men who know your past and future?

So, with three episodes left in this season, we’re still in the dark about the Doctor’s true identity (and role in the Time War, actually) and what’s happening to Clara. Looks like we’ll find out some, if not all the answers in the finale (minor casting/topic spoilers at the link). Aside from Clara wearing more red in this episode, I don’t have anything else to add to my Bad Wolf/Rose references. I’m also thinking that our own FYA lady Alix may have been onto something with her theory about how River may end up being connected to, or influencing, Clara.

I leave you with a potentially dumb question—if the Doctor is the last of the Time Lords, who wrote the history of the Time War?

BOOK REPORT for The 5th Wave by Rick Yancey

Cover Story: Airport Thriller
BFF Charm: Double Trouble
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: She Said, He Said EXTREME!
Bonus Factors: Aliens, The Apocalypse, Trust No One
Relationship Status: You Shook Me All Night Long

HOLEEEE SHIZZBALLS, y'all. Don't let one click stop you from reading the rest of this review over at our series on Kirkus.

Last week, on Gilmore Girls...

It's week two of our rewatch project, and Gilmore Girls is settling into the show it will become: lots of schooling, lots of flirting, lots of screwy townie action and lots of impossibly sweet bonding between Mother and Daughter. Kirk is even finally called Kirk, although he's still not quite the bastion of absurdity we will grow to know and love. And we haven't even met Taylor yet! But patience, my friends: there will be more Taylor action than we can handle soon enough.

Let's dive in, but first! A reminder of our drinking game rules:

The Gilmore Girls Drinking Game Rules

Drink once every time:

Lorelai or Rory drinks coffee.

Emily gets flustered by Lorelai's bizarre sense of humor.

Sookie is controlling about food.

Paris is controlling about anything.

Michel snubs a customer.

Luke is crotchety.

Taylor has an absurd scheme for Stars Hollow.

The girls acquire massive amounts of food and then fail to take even one bite. 

Drink twice every time:

Kirk has a new job.

You see a town troubadour.

You see a moment from the credits.

Mrs. Kim says "We appreciate your business."

On to the episodes! 

1.04 "The Deer Hunters"

Rory's having some trouble catching up at Chilton, receiving a D on her English paper in Mr. Max Medina's class. Lorelai finds out in the parent-teacher conference, after earning the ire of all the snooty Chilton parents for her wacky ways, and after some grade-A flirting with the very cute Mr. Medina. She realizes Rory must be freaking out over her first ever D, so she spends the next week helping Rory study for her upcoming Shakespeare test, worth 20% of her grade.

After an all-night cram sesh, Rory and Lorelai both oversleep (again!), and Rory drives to school in a frenzy, getting hit by a deer at a stop sign. 

She's late to class, and Mr. Medina won't let her take the test. A sleepless Rory totally wigs out and yells at everyone, including Paris for being such a jerk and ChaMM for being such a ChaMM. Lorelai is summoned to the school and she further wigs out, calling Headmaster Charleston "Il Duce" and Chilton itself "a rotting, stodgy rathole." It's great. Mr. Medina's super attracted to angry Lorelai, as are we all, and Rory's allowed to do some make-up work. We learn about her and Lorelai's lifelong obsession with getting Rory into Harvard, and Lorelai worries she's put too much pressure on Rory, but Rory promises that Harvard and Chilton are her idea, and she's not ready to give up on them yet.

In Independence Inn news, Sookie gets a rave review as the chef, but the reviewer dares to call her magic risotto "fine." She joins Rory and Lorelai in the wigging out wings, but eventually discovers that the food critic ordered the Riesling with her risotto, which is evidently comparable to drinking battery acid. She shanghais the critic at his house with her risotto and the appropriate wine pairing, because she is a lunatic and I love her. 

How many times do I have to drink?

18 drinks. 

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

7.

Flirtation quota:

We don't see Dean this episode, but Lane informs Rory that he asked about her at school and he was impressed to discover that she's at Chilton now. Rory does not appear displeased at the news. She does appear displeased every time ChaMM ambush-flirts with her (duck, it's a ChaMMbush!), because that girl has taste. Max and Lorelai do some quality flirting at the parent-teacher conference (inappropes!), and he leaves a very cute message on their answering machine. 

Most dated pop culture reference:

Upon learning that Rory was too humiliated to tell Lorelai about her bad grade, Lorelai says, "Oh, honey. You once told me that you loved Saved by the Bell. What could be more humiliating than that?" Hah! 

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

Why the magic risotto, of course! We learn that Sookie once made this risotto for her mother on her death bed, and her mother lived three more years.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

She spilled coffee on her blouse on the way to the conference, so she rocked this B-52's shirt under her suit jacket. Max didn't seem to mind.

Kirk insanity:

No Kirk in this episode, gah. We're still building up to him.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

Lorelai, trying to ease some of the Harvard pressure off Rory: "I'll still love you, even if you can't support me in my old age in the fabulous manner to which I plan on growing accustomed."

Random observation: 

We see a little more of Lane's stifled existence in this episode. Mrs. Kim's antique store/house is an austere place to live, and Lane ekes out a modicum of freedom by hiding a bunch of CDs under the floorboards and lava lamps in her closet. Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior!

1.05 "Cinnamon's Wake"

Morey and Babette, Lorelai's kooky neighbors, have been having a little trouble with their cat Cinnamon's dyspepsia, particularly after Morey shares his clams from the ever-peripheral Al's Pancake World with the old broad. When Cinnamon later departs this mortal coil, Morey blames himself, but the Stars Hollow vet assures him, "It wasn't your fault, Morey. In human years, this cat was 260 years old." Because Morey and Babette don't have children and Cinnamon was their baby (and more to the point, because Stars Hollow is nuts), the entire town comes together for Cinnamon's wake. (Get it?) We get a chance to see, amidst all of this goofiness, how beautifully in love Morey and Babette are, and it warms my heart.

In boy news, Lorelai runs into Max at the Chilton bake sale, and after trying to snub him briefly for the whole deer/test incident, she agrees to go out for coffee with him. After some further hesitation considering what a bad idea it is to date Rory's teacher, she decides to give it a shot because Max is hella smooth.

BUT she forgets to tell Rory about it in all the Cinnamon hubbub - and she forgets that Max is coming to pick her up for their first date during the wake, so she has to reschedule with him. Max is far more understanding than any man has a right to be when a woman stands him up because she's at her neighbor's cat's funeral. And Rory, after seeing Max at their doorstep, is far more understanding than any girl has a right to be when she learns her mother is dating her English teacher.

In further boy news, Rory runs into Dean at the wake, after he rides her Chilton bus with her for a couple of blocks just to flirt with her, and her general spazziness leads him to believe she's not interested. In a masterfully manipulative boy move, he vows to leave her alone. She blurts, "I am interested!" and runs away, because this adorable child has no idea how to play it cool. 

How many times do I have to drink?

10.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

4.

Flirtation quota:

Lots of Dean and Max action, who both commit the ultimate TV sin by calling Rory and Lorelai by their full names as a strange flirting technique I will never understand. This also applies to TV proposals. "Meredith Borders, will you marry me?" "Why are you using my full name, you weirdo? Do you see any other Merediths here?"

Most dated pop culture reference:

Lorelai, trying to justify her date with Max: "You can't always control who you're attracted to, you know. I think the whole Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thornton thing really proves that."

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

She makes Roquefort puffs for Cinnamon's wake, competing with Luke's crowd-pleasing burgers, and I die of hunger.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

Stop this pleather/polyester/banana clip combo right now, Lorelai Gilmore! (See, that's when it's appropriate to use a person's full name. Full names are for scolding, not flirting.)

Kirk insanity:

Hey, his name's Kirk now! Finally! He's the Assistant Manager at Doose's Market (drink for new job!), but he's still not really our Kirk. He and Miss Patty allegedly meet for the first time at the market, when we all know good and well that they've known each other since she was teaching him to dance when he was a tiny nutbar.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

When Lorelai's trying to explain Max's arrival to Rory, and she starts with, "That man is your teacher," Rory replies, "Mom, I'm a little behind in school, but not so behind that I don't know who the teacher is."

Random observation:

We get some glimpses of one of my favorite parts of Gilmore Girls this week: the friendships between Lorelai and Sookie and Rory and Lane. Those Gilmore gals have the best friends ever, and the show always pays tribute to the wonderful, supportive, hilarious thing that a friendship between women can be.

1.06 "Rory's Birthday Parties"

Rory's turning sixteen and everyone wants to throw her a birthday party. Emily plans an exhaustively formal affair and invites all of Rory's frenemies from Chilton - without Rory's knowledge. Rory is PISSED. Lorelai, however, has been getting along with Emily for the first time ever, since Emily serves pudding at Friday night dinner and asks Lorelai to help her buy something Rory will actually like. Rory, after dealing with Paris and ChaMM's general unpleasantness, blows up at Emily at the party, but she apologizes and invites Richard and Emily to her other birthday party, the next night at her house.

Lorelai's thrown a crazy Stars Hollow affair, and Richard and Emily get to see some of the life she and Rory have lived without them. It makes Emily sad and introspective, but also sweet, and it seems like the three generations of Gilmore girls might be making some progress.

Also making progress? Rory and Paris, when they find out they both want to go to Harvard, and Rory promises Paris that she has zero interest in ChaMM. (Good girl.) Rory and Dean have some forward momentum, too, when he gives her a bracelet he made for her birthday, and they hold hands. Lorelai sees this and panics, because Rory hasn't told her anything about Dean yet.

And technically, Rory gets three birthday parties, because Luke gives her a coffee cake and balloons at her diner table first thing in the morning. That dude is so sweet when he's not being super duper grouchy.

How many times do I have to drink?

10.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

2.

Flirtation quota:

Dean makes a sweet bracelet for Rory out of a medallion he found, and she swoons. Also this:

Lorelai and Luke do some heavy duty flirting when he shows up at Rory's birthday party anticipating her need for extra bags of ice, and Emily takes notice. And even Emily gets some flirty action when Richard tells her how nice she looks. 

Most dated pop culture reference:

Lorelai, teasing Rory: "And Justin is so dreamy. He can't marry Britney. I'll just cry and cry and cry!"

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

She makes a cake with Rory's face on it! (Pic at the top of the page)

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

Ahh, this insanely patterned shirt with the fuzzy leopard print collar needs to be burned tout de suite. (Also, credits moment: drink!)
 

Kirk insanity:

We're still in those black days when it's possible to have a Kirkless episode, or as I like to call them, the Dark Ages of Stars Hollow.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

Lorelai, waxing nostalgic over Rory's birth: "And while some have called it the most meaningful experience of your life, to me it was something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite."

Random observation:

The morning of Rory's birthday, Lorelai climbs in bed with her and they have an adorable conversation about Rory's birth and how much Lorelai loves her, and this exact conversation is replicated in a dream Rory has in Season 6 in which Madeleine Albright (the real one!) takes the place of Lorelai.

(Future season spoiler in this video, newbies beware!)

And onward we move, hopefully in the direction of a world where Our Kirk actually exists. The next three episodes are all major winners: "Kiss and Tell," "Love and War and Snow" and "Rory's Dance," so I can't wait to see you back here next Wednesday!

And a question for you, FYA readers: Would you rather have Luke or Sookie cater your cat's funeral? I can never decide!

In spite of a swoonworthy appearance from Colin and a slumber party complete with a Ouija board, this episode still managed to feel super boring. What gives, Awkward?

Fave slang/phrase: Due to the lack of Tamara-isms, I had to go with this gem from Sadie: "Consuela, get my spirit board!" And for those of you who think I should've gone with "shaking the creamer," GROSS and NO THANKS.

Matty or Jake or Colin (who won this episode): Matty continued on his maturity streak, which is great, but Colin managed to make the line, "You've got a bit of a stache," sound like the sexiest statement ever made. And when Matty cries, it looks like he has pink eye. Therefore, I declare Colin the victor!

OMG moment: This episode... didn't really have one? But I did get excited when Tegan and Sara's "I Was a Fool" came on.

Here's what happened:

It's been a week since Matty moved in with the Hamiltons after falling out with his parents, and the lack of personal space is starting to wear on Jenna. (As Tamara says, "You could easily pass for 25." Because Ashley Rickards is 21! I see what you did there, Awkward writers!) Per usual, Jenna doesn't know how to communicate her feelings to Matty, so she asks Val for advice. Val is, unsurprisingly, an expert at sending guys packing, and she delivers several terrible yet highly effective suggestions, including sharing his neti pot and baby talk during sex. (Val, please never, ever use that baby voice again.)

But Jenna doesn't want Matty to leave her, she just wants him to leave her house. She's emotionally and physically blocked, and when she finds Matty in her bathroom, it slips out... of both ends. Matty handles her outburst with a charming amount of humor and understanding and agrees to move into Jake's house the next day. But first, to add some excitement back into their relationship, Jenna suggests that they watch a porn... a Harry Potter porn to be precise. Hermione, nooooo!! Jenna gets distracted by the bleak nature of the porn industry, and when she mentions teen runaways without a home, her comment hits Matty where it hurts. When she finds him crying in the bathroom, she realizes that he needs a mother, not a lover, and soon Teen Mom is having a heart-to-heart with him about healing his relationship with his own mom. Teen Mom is really rocking this season, amirite?

Seriously, this is the SAME make-up technique they used when everyone at the Red Cup Hot Tub party got pink eye.

Thanks to his convo with Teen Mom, Matty realizes that it's time for him to go home and face his family relationship problems head on. He says good-bye to Jenna but then, a few moments later, he appears at her bedroom window and grabs her in a passionate embrace. Way to bring the magic back, Matty!

Meanwhile, Tamara is determined to attend the annual cheer slumber party at Sadie's, but when she crashes the event, she realizes that it's only Sadie and Lissa. Apparently, the other cheerleaders can't be forced into coming because Sadie is broke and therefore powerless to make threats (or bribes). Sadie and Tamara immediately get into it, and Sadie demands her spirit board, which ultimately reveals that Ricky Schwartz was murdered. Ugh, I AM SO OVER RICKY SCHWARTZ. Tamara toughs it out and even fights her way into Sadie's bed, but in the morning, they're still mortal enemies. Sadie admits that she's broke, but that's not exactly breaking news, is it? Seems more like a ploy by the writers to force Sadie and Tamara into some sort of unlikely friendship.

But the best scene of the show happened right after Jenna's creative writing class, in which she criticized Colin's essay for sounding pretentious, then fell asleep, leading Mr. Hall to draw a mustache on her face. (ILU Mr. Hall!) When class ends, Colin catches her in the hall and thanks her for being honest. See, he's not a douchebag! Even though he is wearing a douchey sweater! Then, to return the favor, he leans in and whispers in her ear, "You've got a bit of a stache." SA-WOON. I would seriously walk around with a marker mustache ALL DAY if it meant some close personal contact from Colin.

I'm glad that the writers aren't hurrying Jenna and Matty along, although it's obvious that Colin will make romantic waves at some point down the line. Similarly, I'm relieved that Tamara and Jake are working out. But with that said... LET'S BAKE SOME DRAMA CAKES NEXT TIME, OK SHOW?

What did y'all think? Leave your rants/raves/predictions in the comments. Oh, and Conseula, get my spirit board!!!!

BOOK REPORT for Earth Girl by Janet Edwards

Cover Story: A World of No
BFF Charm: Hell Nah!
Swoonworthy Scale: 1
Talky Talk: Internal Monologue
Bonus Factor: Space Archaeology
Anti-Bonus Factors: Futuristic Names, Futuristic Vocabulary
Relationship Status: It's Not Me, It's You

Cover Story: A World of No

I see some bad covers in this business, but this one is REALLY, REALLY BAD Y’ALL. As the Fug Girls would say, “WORDS. WORDS WORDS WORDS."

The Deal:

In a future where most of the human race has portalled off-world to live on colonies scattered around the universe, 18 year old Jarra is part of the small population of people stuck on Earth. Jarra is “handicapped,” meaning she was born with a rare immune system deficiency that prevents her from ever leaving Earth. Instead, she grew up in a home for abandoned Earth-bound kids whose parents were unable move planets with their children, or unwilling to deal with the stigma of having a handicap child.

But now that Jarra is off to college, she’s breaking down barriers by applying to an off-world school. Because all history courses are required to conduct their first year on Earth, she can get away with attending for a year before transferring to an Earth school. She comes up with a plausible backstory as a military kid and sets out to prove to her prejudiced off-world classmates that they’re wrong about handicap kids. But can Jarra keep up with her tangled web of lies and prevent her classmates from finding out the truth about her? (Spoiler: no. the answer is always no.)

Basically, it’s Camp Rock, but set in the future with space archeologists instead of Jonai.

BFF Charm: Hell Nah!

Ugh. Jarra is THE WORST. She is always trying to prove herself by being that girl, showing off at any possible opportunity. She’s kind of like Hermione at the beginning of the Harry Potter series, but unlike Hermione, she never gains any perspective or has any measurable character growth. Also, unlike Hermione, she FUCKING SUCKS. She’s always whining about how judgemental “exos” (off-planet humans) are of “handicaps,” but she is more judgemental than all of her classmates combined.

I know why she acts the way she does--years of prejudice, being abandoned by her family, desperation to prove herself in a world that considers her subhuman--but that doesn't mean I have to like her. And worst of all, she has a raging case of Mary Sueitis. Despite being the least likable character I’ve read in a long-ass time, EVERYONE LOVES HER! ALL THE BOYS WANT TO GET WITH HER! ALL THE GIRLS WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER! SHE’S THE TEACHER’S PET STUDENT! EVERY SPACE ARCHAEOLOGIST LEFT ON EARTH THINKS SHE’S BRILLIANT AND AMAZING AND A HERO! EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO REDEEMING QUALITIES OMG JUST STOP WITH THE MARY SUE EPIDEMIC THAT IS HAPPENING IN YA LITERATURE BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODES.

Swoonworthy Scale: 0

Jarra and her classmate Fian have this whole star-crossed lovers thing going on, but I just could not find two shits to give about their relationship. To begin with, Fian is soooo milquetoast. Seriously, the reason he and Jarra work so well together is that he’s willing to be steamrolled over by her constantly. It’s hard for me to feel tingly about that kind of relationship. Next, Jarra is initially attracted to him because he looks like her favorite television character. (Jarra, as somebody who seriously considered going out with someone solely because he looked like Simon from Misfits, this is not a good enough reason to date someone. Whoever he is, he will always be a comparative disappointment.) Another tick in the “no” column is that in the future, teenagers get something called a “twoing contract,” which is basically a legally-binding pre-marriage that you get in the very early stages of your romantic relationship. As someone who fears commitment like the plague, I can’t get behind that. Also, lawyers take some of the excitement out of courtship. Finally, there’s the small detail that THEIR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP IS FOUNDED ON JARRA’S PATHOLOGICAL LYING. I’m so sure this is going to work out in the long run.

Talky Talk: Inner Monologue

Edwards tells the story from Jarra’s point of view, which is shockingly not bad considering how little patience I have for her. But it is very inner monologue-y in that I really wish there was more editing here. She babbles about dig equipment for just long enough that it stops being remotely interesting, and I just can't be bothered to care about her favorite tv shows.

I also am calling bullshit on her as a reliable narrator, because there is NO WAY all her classmates actually like her. If Jarra were in my masters program today, I guarantee you that four-fifths of us would hate her and the remaining fifth would merely tolerate her. It doesn’t matter how brilliant you are when you’re annoying. Nobody respects a know-it-all.

In the end, I chose to interpret the story as Jarra being straight up delusional, as that was the only way to explain her personality. This was reinforced by a weird and completely unnecessary bit in the middle where she goes into shock and actually believes her made up backstory she tells to her classmates. So in the reliable-narrator version in my head, not only does Jarra not actually have any friends, but she also fails out of her program because she’s really bad at history/space archeology.

Bonus Factor: Space Archeology

So pretty much the only thing I liked about this book is the space archeology. Which I guess isn’t actually space archeology because it takes place in abandoned New York City, but whatever. Semantics. I appreciate the way Edwards created an entire new field of study in this future universe. Plus, she made archeology seem EXCITING! Not that it’s not exciting today, but like, it makes the book a little more interesting when you’re in a life-threatening discipline rather than dusting old dirt off a pottery shard with a toothbrush. Plus, there’s always the hope that Jarra will be spontaneously buried under a collapsing skyscraper and DIE (she doesn’t, but a girl can dream).

Anti-Bonus Factor: Futuristic Names

Ok, I get that it’s part of the world-building and what not, but I just can’t with stupid names in books. Why must every name look like an Ikea product? I just ended up changing the names for half the characters because it was so distracting... sort of like when you’re reading something written in Ye Olde Language and you just learn to swap out letters after a while. Fian became Finn, Keon became Ken, Riak became Rick, etc. Strangely enough, Jarra became Yarra, and I have no explanation for why that happened.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Futuristic Vocabulary

This is kind of the same vein, but GOD THE SLANG IN THIS BOOK WAS RIDICULOUS. In theory, I like the idea that Edwards would build linguistic shifts into her world-building, but in practice, I cannot take a book seriously that makes the word “butt” a horrible, taboo, offensive word.

Casting Call:

Taylor Swift as Jarra

Relationship Status: It’s Not Me, It's You

Book, you had a really cool premise, and if I think hard enough about it, I’m sure I can come up with some other things I liked about you. But at the end of the day, you just have a really bad personality. And that’s on you, not me.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received my review copy from Prometheus books. I received neither money nor cocktails for writing this review (dammit!). Earth Girl is available now

Title: The First Time
Year: 2012
Fix: Recapturing Those First Butterflies

Netflix Summary:

A romantic comedy centered on the two high schoolers: Dave, who until now has pined for a girl he can't have, and Aubrey, a creative type who's dating a guy who doesn't quite understand her.

FYA Summary:

Dave's in love with the unattainable Jane, and Aubrey's dating older douchebag Ronnie. When the party they meet at gets busted by the cops, they end up walking to her house and falling asleep in her room. But when they go back to their own lives, their other relationships aren't quite enough anymore. And... well, look at the title. What do you think happens?

Familiar Faces:

Dylan O'Brien as Dave

Stiles from Teen Wolf!* Who is looking, ahem, pretty good. (Like, I-looked-up-his-age-to-gauge-how-inappropriate-this-crush-is good.) Dave is pretty much the sensitive hottie I we all would have wanted to date in high school. He's an ACTUAL good guy, and not just a Nice Guy.

*Which I've never seen an episode of, but only know from Meghan's fantastic recaps.

Britt Robertson as Aubrey

This pairing is a little unfortunate because Stiles reminds me of Thomas Dekker -- i.e. Secret Circle déjà vu! -- but Dave is so (so, so, so, so, SO) much better than Adam.

As for Aubrey herself, she starts off pretty lame by laying on the edgy sarcastic chick thing too thick. But if this were a book report, she'd eventually earn my BFF charm when her genuine self shows through.

Joshua Malina and Christine Taylor as Aubrey's parents

Aubrey's parents have fairly small roles, and there's not enough screen time to accurately measure their Taylor quotient. But it's the D.A. from Scandal* and '90s Marcia Brady/Ben Stiller's wife!

*And a horrible show about corporate bros that I only watched because of Michael Vartan, if I'm being honest about where I know him from.

Victoria Justice as Jane

This girl has (had? Meh, don't care.) a show on Nickelodeon, I think. And every time I look at her, I marvel at the fact that she's still a teenager because SO PRETTY. Obvi, Dave is in love with her (although he seems to be less shallow than me).

Couch-Sharing Capability: Medium

This is one of those talky talkies, so it's not the best for having real-life convos. But it's a fairly short movie that's cute and swoony, and it's got a pretty good soundtrack.*

*Assuming you share my predilection for hipster tunes. Otherwise, please forgive my crappy taste in music.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: Low, Then Adjust Accordingly To Your Voyeuristic Threshold

I actually enjoyed this movie, so the drinky-drink wasn't necessary. Howevs, when things Olivia Newton-John, i.e. got physical, it made me SUPER uncomfortable. The close-ups, the subdued score -- plus, as inferred from Googling the photos for this movie, the leads were (are? Again, dunncare.) involved IRL. I guess props for realism, but I felt icky for looking.

Use of Your Netflix Subscription: Good

Look, this movie is not going to change your life (unless you, too, discover a newfound love for Dylan O'Brien). But it's sweet and hopeful, harkening back to a time when you're discovering yourself and love for the first time -- just like a fun YA read.

Well, this happened.

Um, I'm not even going to lie to y'all right now; I totally rewatched the last few minutes of last week's episode again.  Because KISSING!  And then DEACON ABS!  Like, I'm about two episodes away from making one of those fan videos set to Sarah McLaughlin on youtube, or something.  I'm glad Posh took over last week's ep, cause all you would have gotten out of me was a lot of exclamation marks and maybe some drool.

First, a recap of last night's events:

- Juliette has hired a private security firm to . . . well, I'm not really sure what she's hired them to do.  She doesn't exactly want them to find Dante, and she seems to not care about the money (she can, after all, make back the half a million in two nights.  Allow me to speak on behalf of every person reading this when I say "go fuck yourself, Juliette.") . . . I guess she's hired them to ensure that news of the scandal doesn't leak?  Her assistant interrupts her to say she's been nominated for Female Vocalist of the Year for the CMA awards.  Juliette's pleased, but her reaction is nothing like Jennifer Lawrence's adorable Oscars nom reaction.  Maybe she needs to be wearing a track suit?  Also, Juliette tells Jolene about Dante's theft but shuts her down when she tries to express any sympathy at all.  Fuck, Juliette, why don't you just replace her with a robot?  And then Juliette drinks a lot of mimosas when she's trying on dresses, which Jolene admonishes her for, although not because mimosas make you bloat and are not great for trying on outfits.

- Rayna and Deacon are in post-coitus bliss and talking about how nothing's changed in the last 14 years since they last did it.  Really?  Well, allow me again to speak on behalf of our lady readers who have had children when I say, "That's encouraging."  The only person who can interrupt their snuggling without raising my immediate ire is Maddie, so it's a good thing she calls her mom to tell her she's been nominated for Female Vocalist of the Year.  Maddie also tries to talk her way into skipping school to go shopping for the occassion.  That's my girl!

- Meanwhile, in the home life!  We learn that 9 is Daphne's favorite number, and that Maddie's school has a father/daughter dance still, even though she's, what, a freshman in high school?  Are father/daughter dances actually a thing?  I think I successfully blocked any I might have had in my childhood because there's no way in hell my dad would attend one with me.  The shoe's on the other foot in the Nashville world; it's Maddie who doesn't want to attend with Teddy, but he advises her not to punish herself while trying to punish him.  That's the one thing about Teddy - no matter how gross and creepy and oily and sleazy he is about business or Peeeggghhhyyy, he's a pretty damn good dad.  You can see why a pregnant and abandoned Rayna married him, you know?  When they eventually do go, they bond and dance badly and it's ADORBS.

- Gay Cowboy Will is downstairs scamming coffee off of Scarlett, which is sort of brave of him, considering the events of the night previous.  He tries to play it off around Gunnar, like he was soooo drunk, but Gunnar isn't buying it.  Scarlett, for her part, is totally confused about the shift in dynamic.

- Tandy comes over to the house to congratulate Rayna and hear the big news.  The stark realities of the day have set in for Rayna and Tandy reminds her that it's always all or nothing with Deacon and Rayna.  Is Rayna ready for that?  And, meanwhile, Coleman is saying the same to Deacon!  Coleman adds the bonus of comparing Rayna to booze.  Romantic!

- Juliette wants a full media campaign in re: her award.  How Melissa Leo of her.  She wants Marshall's promise that Edgehill will campaign more for her than Rayna, but he diplomatically refuses to take sides.  So she'll just spend all her own money campaigning!  This involves sending the CMA committee fucking BOBBLEHEADS of herself, as well as bottles of Dom.  Well, damn, now I sort of want to be on the committee. 

- Coleman meets Tandy and tells her that he's not going to play her little reindeer games.  He thought she was better than Daddy Lamar!  Damn, Coleman's cutting deep on the Wyatt ladies tonight!  Except!  Later he resigns from Teddy's office!  Teddy is piiiiiiissed. 

- Avery still exists, so that's a thing.  He's jamming (a very emo song) with some of the road crew when whoever's taken over Dante's job yells at them.

- Deacon returns home to find Dr FeelBleh feeding Sue.  He not-so-gently dumps her.  And then he gives her the dog!  This is a TRAGEDY.  Deacon, THAT IS YOUR DOG, YO.  I kinda see what Coleman means about Rayna being an addiction, if this is how Deacon's going to act.

- Gunnar meets the producer who wanted to cut his demo and can't interest him in his sappy love songs, only his Nickleback-esque swagger.  He has to miss the Edgehill party because of it, but Big Gay Will offers to escort her.  Now that Gunnar knows that Big Gay Will is Big and Gay, he's fine with it!  Gunnar acts like an outlaw with the demo producer.  Well, he's no Man in Black.  But Scarlett seems to like his new sound. Until she learns it's Jason's song, that is.

- Teddy comes over to escort Maddie to the Father/Daughter dance and Rayna tells him about her thing with Deacon.  He's all, "you can't date him!  THE TRUTH WILL OUT!"  But then Maddie interrupts them, looking FABULOUS and very grown up in her silver dress.  When she runs out to put on her lip gloss, Teddy makes Rayna promise that she'll "honor the deal [they] made" the day Maddie was born, presumably never, ever to tell Deacon that Maddie is his.

- It's time for the Edgehill party!  Juliette's drunk on vodka cause she's sad about Dante!  And at first I think it's filled with terrible dancers, but that turns out to be Maddie's father/daughter dance.  Marshall tells a drunk Juliette that she needs someone to be her manager.  And while Rayna and Deacon are having a little bit of a thing, Juliette interrupts them to drunkenly demand Deacon get on stage.  And he quits and storms off!  So she hires Avery to play guitar for her!  She and he both pull off the song, which is disappointing, since I was hoping for at least some vomit or, I don't know, spontaneous combustion.  Later, she and Avery sit by themselves, swigging vodka, and he helps her to her limo.  And then turns down her invitation for sex.  Which actually makes Avery more honorable than Juliette.  Weird.

- Also, Tandy and Bucky are totally doing it, y'all!  Cute!

- Deacon finds Rayna and tells her that he doesn't care what she's hiding from him; all that matters is the two of them.  And then they make out in the back of a limo!  Man!  Why don't I ever get to make out with Deacon in the back of a limo? 

- At the end of the night, Juliette's trashed and Jolene takes care of her.  But her problems aren't over . . . Dante calls, and he has a TAPE.

Best Rayna James Line:

"Honey, that perfume you're wearing is 80 proof."

Rayna vs Juliette:

Um, no question, again, obviously.  Juliette: lost half a mil, sent bobbleheads of herself to grown adults and tried to proposition AVERY of all people.  Rayna got to have sex with Deacon THRICE in this episode (by my count) for the low, low price of not telling him that he fathered her eldest child!

Best Scene:

Can I give it to the last scene of Rayna and Deacon at the end?  First, they were singing that one song I really like.  Second, Rayna was wearing only a shirt, and girl has thighs like WHAT WHAT WHAT.  And third,  I'm pretty sure they were about to have sex, or just had sex, or possibly both of those things.

Best Sub-Plot:

Um, OBVIOUSLY I'm give it to the Father/Daughter dance.  Maddie was so fancy in her dress!  Plus I'm a sucker for actual father/daughter bonding on TV.  And, y'all, the D key on this computer keyboard sticks a bit and I just wrote "father/daughter boning" which I just want to assure everyone I AM NOT A SUCKER FOR.

WTF:

- WTF, Juliette, you were going to sleep with AVERY.  AVERY.  I am sorry but that is actually the worst thing you've ever tried to do.

- I don't even have any more WTFs because SERIOUSLY?  SLEEPING WITH AVERY?  WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Burning Questions:

- Exactly how long will it take Rayna to cave and tell Deacon about Maddie?  And what happens then?

- Why are we still having to deal with Dante at all?

- How mad is Juliette going to be that her sex tape isn't with Ray J?

Y'all, these next two weeks look INTENSE.  SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE.  I mean, someone other than poor dead Jason, that is.  Discuss below!

Cover Story: Why?
BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 2
Talky Talk: Speed of Light
Bonus Factors: Virology, Henchmen
Relationship Status: A Whirlwind Date

Cover Story: Why?

Um, is it just me, or is this cover a little too on the nose?  With stories of young girls being kidnapped and held as sex slaves for decades, I think I could do without seeing an image of a young, identity-less girl being chloroformed, you know?  Am I being too sensitive with this?  I'm interested to hear y'all's thoughts.

The Deal:

Cady does not wake up on the floor of a cabin.  Cady comes to on the floor of a cabin.  She is bruised and sore.  She's missing two fingernails, fingernails which are currently laying on a table next to a bloody pair of pliers.  And two men are arguing whether or not to kill her.  But beyond those facts, Cady knows nothing.

Escaping certain death, she hits the road in search of her identity, her past, her family and why anyone would want her dead.  But each time she tries to get help, the shadowy figures hunting her get closer.  Will Cady ever be able to figure out who she is?  Will she even live to see tomorrow?

BFF Charm: Yay

While I'm not sure I'd instantly be 100% BFF with Cady, it seems like so long since I've given away a BFF charm (it's been, like, four books, y'all!  That's a lifetime for a girl like me!) that I'll gladly give mine to Cady.  Because even though I'm not sure I'd want to chill in the caf with pre-anmesia Cady, post-amnesia Cady's a total ball buster.  Quite literally, in some cases.  She's fast, she's resourceful, and she's hella smart, so even though teaming up with her would likely get me stuffed in a dumpster, I'm in for the ride.

Swoonworthy Scale: 2

On her travels, Cady meets Ty, an ex-homeless teen who gives her a free Big Mac and offers to let her stay at his apartment.  Ty is an awesome guy (how many teenaged dudes in real life offer their place to a girl with out thinking that's code for "and please remove your pants," right?) and incredibly resourceful, and I totally bought his and Cady's friendship.  That said, I didn't really feel the need for there to be a romantic angle between the two, you know?  It seemed like any swoon just served to fulfill some sort of checklist for YA books, and that sort of thing annoys the crap out of me.  I don't NEED kissing, y'all.  And if there's going to be kissing, make it organic to the story and the characters!

Talky Talk: Speed of Light

Henry DOES NOT SLOW DOWN, y'all.  I definitely zipped through this book quickly, as Cady ran into obstacle after obstacle or learned different pieces of the puzzle within a few hours.  And I do believe, for the most part, that thrillers should be fast-paced (notable exceptions include The Silence of the Lambs and other thrillers in which the bad guy is half the fun).  But this book was almost a little too fast paced, to the point where characterization suffered.  Some of the bad guys were just laughingly evil.  Once the mystery was revealed, I never got to learn exactly why the characters chose their choices - everything was just neatly wrapped up with some monologuing.  And while Ty's abusive step-dad and life on the street were briefly discussed, I really wanted to learn more about his past and invest in him as a character. 

On the whole, I'd definitely rather a thriller like this be too quick than too slow, but I can't help but wish for some Goldilocks-style Just Right.

Bonus Factor: Virology

Part of the mystery revolves around the hantavirus and its proliferation amongst western US states.  The hantavirus FREAKS ME OUT, y'all!  But guess what!  My own beloved Houston is currently beset with GIANT SNAILS who carry something called RAT LUNGWORM which WHAT?  WHY IS THAT EVEN A THING THAT EXISTS?  RAT LUNGWORM?  It's like some scientists got together and thought, "what's the scariest, shittiest thing we could possibly name this virus?  Dick Cheneyitis?  No, I know!  RAT LUNGWORM."  Anyway, the creepiest thing about the snail story is that somehow the giant snail EVADED CAPTURE.  So, basically, we're dealing with super fast mutants that are going to infect us with rat lungworm.  It was nice knowing you, world.  Please divide my collection of books amongst the poor.

Bonus Factor: Henchmen

There are definitely some actually-evil henchmen making trouble in this book!  And you guys know that one of my main Milk Carton items is "actual bad guys," so I loved that.

Casting Call:

We need an ass-kicker to play Cady.  JLaw already knows her fighting skills, on account of how Katniss is sooo great in hand-to-hand combat.

Jennifer Lawrence as Cady

Relationship Status: A Whirlwind Date

Well, book, you certainly took me on a whirl!  I thought I'd never catch my breath during our fast-paced, adventure-filled date!  But the problem is, I'm more of a thinking book's girl, you know?  Sure, you might call it laziness, but my ideal date is a long, emotional talk over hours of bourbon swilling, not a Red Bull-feuled trip to the Gravitron.  But I definitely think you'll make some girl out there very, very happy.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a free review copy of this book from Macmillan.  I received neither books nor cocktails for this review (damnit!).  The Girl Who Was Supposed to Die will be available in stores on June 11, 2013.

Training montage! *Drink!* Stefan doesn't want Elena to kill Katherine, so he thinks having her break cinderblocks and do pull-ups is a good substitute.  Elena is awesome *Drink!* with her detailed description of what Katherine's chest cavity might feel like on the inside.

Rebekah discovers the joys of sending out graduation invitations in order to receive cashy money, while Caroline addresses her own million envelopes and Elena obsesses about Katherine some more. 

Bonnie is meditating in the woods, when Katherine (or is it?) shows up.  Bonnie gives some exposition about the Expression triangle and her big plan, blah, blah, blah Katsia, blah, blah.  Then Bonnie witches a link between Katherine and herself, so Katherine can't go anywhere.  Absolutely nothing could go wrong with that. (Oh Shit! +1)

Stefan joins Damon at the hospital, where Damon makes one of his juice fast jokes, *Drink!* but then Mommy Sheriff shows them a patient who's been exsanguinated.  By Silas, they presume. (Oh Shit! +2)

Bonnie shows off her new magic tether to Katherine by leading her unwillingly into the old Lockwood campout werecave.  There she tells Katherine that whatever happens to her, happens to Katherine, so there we have the crux of the whole Elena killing Katherine, thing, because it's probably true in reverse, yes? (Oh Shit! +3)

At the Bronze, Elena is setting everyone on edge by playing darts, so Rebekah -- of all people -- goes over to cheer her up.  That goes over like a bag of lead bananas, so Caroline gives a try, asking Elena if she meant all of those mean things she said when her humanity was off.  But Elena can't let herself feel anything but RAGE because if she lets in one other single feeling, she'll go back to feeling ALL OF THE FEELINGS, and even she remembers how annoyed we got with her then.  Meanwhile, whatever Bonnie's doing in that cave has brought on a big storm, and the power goes out. (Oh Shit! +4)

Stefan, Damon and Mommy Sheriff figure out what Bonnie's been up to, and deduce that her next move will be to head to the center of the Expression Triangle which is… the Hellmouth Mystic Falls High School.  Oooh, maybe there's a dance!  Everyone is trying to find Bonnie, except Elena, who is KIND of reminding me of no-humanity Elena, with her "I don't care about Bonnie, I just care about Katherine" business.  Damon is awesome, *Drink!* and just sounds really worn out.  Elena is sure that once she kills Katherine, everything will go back to normal and she'll be just fine, but Damon isn't going to let her into the basement where Katherine and Bonnie are.  So she stabs him. (Oh Shit! +5)

Bonnie TOTALLY proves that old saying wrong by ACTUALLY getting blood out of a stone… and the spell is complete.  The veil is down. (Oh Shit! +6)

Damon wakes up from being stabbed, just as someone approaches, and with the veil down, we know it might be… ALARIC!!!  (Oh Shit! +7 -- in a good way) Blessed be the sweet baby Jesus!  Mr. President!!! (Sorry, Matt, but I think even you would gladly turn over your President sceptor in favor of having Alaric back.) WE LOVE YOU!  WE MISS YOU!  Nothing has been the same without you!  Please don't ever leave us again!  Okay, okay, back to the show.  Alaric proves he's really Alaric by showing Damon the contents of Locker 42 -- Scotch!  (Of course he did!)  AND he says he had to come back to look after his best friend.  (Aw, of COURSE he did!)  *Drink!* He also says some stuff about how the veil's actually only partially down, so he can only exist inside the Expression triangle, but who cares?  Alaric's back!!!  Alaric, the most beautiful sound I ever heard… Alaric, Alaric, Alaaarrriiccc…

Rebekah and Matt are getting all cozy in the candlelight at the Bronze, but that's before Kol Drogo comes in, reminding us that not everything from beyond the veil is as welcome as our president.  (Oh Shit! +8)  He's still mad about getting killed, and has decided to take it out on Elena, but first he insults Rebekah for finally getting the quarterback's attention, and then he throws a shiv into Matt's shoulder!!! (Oh Shit! +9)

Bonnie's so over Katherine's constant "Are we there yet?" but lets her tether lengthen so Katherine can go distract whomever it is that she hears coming. *coughElenacough* (Oh Shit! +10)

Elena totally gets the drop on Katherine, and starts stabbing her and burning her face, and yep, the same exact thing is happening to Bonnie.  (Oh Shit! +11)  Thankfully, Stefan tackles her before she can finish Katherine off.

Rebekah picks all of the glass out of Matt's shoulder, but he refuses her offer to heal him, on account of wanting to make sure he graduates as a human, which is honorable, and all, but seriously.  So Rebekah goes to get a first aid kit, and finds Caroline in the kitchen, cutting her wrists over and over and over, which means that it's actually Silas in the cave with Bonnie! (Oh Shit! +12)

Turns out, Silas was only joking earlier when he let her think she had seen his hideous Crow face and so was no longer controlled by him.  He's so in her mind, she can't even fathom how in her mind he is! (Oh Shit! +13)

Elena is hella pissed that Stefan stopped her from killing Katherine, and thinks he's lying about the Bonnie thing.  She IS kind of awesome *drink!* with her response to his "I can help you," and gives him a fairly long overdue punch in the face.

Matt calls Damon and tells him about the Caroline sitch, while Alaric gets caught up to speed on all of the gossip.  He really just wants to have some alone time with Damon, but Damon tries to have his head in the game.

Rebekah can't seem to get Caroline to stop cutting herself, except that smacking some sense into her was way lower on her list than it would have been on mine.  Because it works.  And Caroline's response is awesome. *Drink!*

Silas is all, "Well go ahead and drop the veil, betch, I just wanna die."  but Bonnie, as we know, had never planned on dropping the veil completely.  But then they hear Damon coming, and Silas turns into Alaric!!!  (Oh Shit! +14)  And starts Darth Vader-choking Bonnie!  So wait, was it actually Silas all along?!!  I mean, maybe I don't even care if it was… I just… Alaric!!!!

Elena finally crumbles at Jeremy's grave, and once again Nina Dobrev turns in a stellar performance, and I think Elena might be having an actual breakthrough.  That's before Kol Drogo shows up and says he guesses he'll have to kill her now. (Oh Shit! +15)

Bonnie still can't breathe, but Grandma Whitley tells her it's all in her head!  Then she tells her that she can stop Silas, too, because Expression is just a manifestation of her will!  Wha-huh?

Anyway, Damon is totally NOT fooled by the Silas-Alaric, and starts choking him with a chain!  (Oh Shit! +16) Which I'm not comfortable with at all, and have to tell myself that they're just friends wrastlin'.  But then Bonnie comes in and turns him into stone! (Oh Shit! +17)

Kol Drogo is kicking Elena's butt, but she WANTS to die.  And this would be a good time for… JEREMY!!!!  (Oh Shit! +18 -- also in a good way) I missed you and your arms almost as much as I missed Alaric!!!  Also, you're very handsome.  Also, he's awesome *Drink!* with his crossbow and asking Kol how many times he has to kill him.  Kol starts in on a joke, acting all threatening-like, when Stefan is awesome *Drink!* and runs in and snaps his neck!  HA!  Then Elena and Jeremy get to have their sweet, sweet reunion, which I didn't really get to see on account of the fact that I was chopping onions.

Bonnie and the Salvatores discuss whether they should just drop Silas into the ocean, when Elena and Jeremy show up.  Turns out, Bonnie has to put the veil back up, so they don't have much time.  If I'm not mistaken, Damon looks around for Alaric.

Stefan joins Caroline at the Bronze, but he's having a sad *Drink!* because he was hoping to see Lexi when the veil lifted.  He even got Bon Jovi reunion tour tickets, and everything.  But then she's standing right behind him! (Oh Shit! +19 -- you know the deal)

Damon WAS looking for Alaric!  And he found him!  And they share some (scotch, I'm sure) from a flask as they put Silas's stone body into the back of Damon's car.  They banter, and it's just like old times, only I never, ever want it to end.  Oh, and Alaric pulls the cure out of his pocket, and tells Damon to "go get the girl."  (Oh Shit! +20)  Meanwhile Lexi teases Stefan.

Bonnie is convinced that she can bring Jeremy back for good, even though Grandma Whitley tells her to stop, stop stop it!  Then Bonnie gets Dark Willow makeup and passes out. (Oh Shit! +21)

Matt thanks Rebekah for helping Caroline earlier, and then they see Rebekah's very first boyfriend, the vampire slayer!  (Oh Shit! +22)  They decide to make like a tree and get outta' there, but turn to see two other vampire slayers, including the one who looks like Charlie Bewley because he IS Charlie Bewley!  (Oh Shit! +23)  I didn't realize that they had killed him.  How come no one got haunted? 

Bonnie wake up to find that she actually didn't wake up at all!  Holy Shit Balls!!! (x1000)

Now THIS!!!!  This is what I call a Vampire Diaries episode!  I don't even mind that the whole Bonnie/Katherine tether  was KIND of a copout so Katherine could live, and we never really found out about the exsanguination at the hospital.  But at +1023, I think we broke the ohshitometer for the first time this year. And you?

Guys, I’ve been having a great last 24 hours!  My favorite sportsball team won a game, my home state did a solid and I got to see Sara Zarr give a talk.  Basically my good juju is set to run out any minute.  So let’s just enjoy the good life while we can and get some internet reading under our belts in the process.

Book Related Things

YA author Maureen Johnson asked people to create “gender-swapped” covers of popular books.  The results are funny, yet slightly depressing.

World’s most insecure and judgy husband doesn’t like his wife’s YA reading habit.

One woman explains why she hates The Great Gatsby.

Movie Related Things

GUYS, GUYS, GUYS!  It’s the Ender’s Game trailer!  It’s finally here!

This is super exciting because I LOVE Ender’s Game.  But I'm also hesitant because I worry the movie won’t do it justice.  Also, Harrison Ford has been phoning it in since the mid-90s.  (Actually, I feel like the terming “phoning it in” is actually giving him too much credit.  He dropped his phone in the toilet years ago.)  But even putting all that aside, I STILL don’t know how to feel because...yeah...Orson Scott Card.  Oy.

Robb Stark as Prince Charming.  I repeat, Richard Madden is the new Prince Charming.  Of your pants parts.

A Dungeons & Dragons movie may be in the works!  Just don’t wear any boob armor...it could kill you!

TV Related Things

What is going on with those accents in Game of Thrones?  One man ventures to find out.

A roundup of all the shows that have been renewed or cancelled so far.

Miscellaneous Things

Lizzie Bennet Diaries fans!  The first teaser for Sanditon is here!

For fans of webcomic Hyperbole and a Half...it’s back!  With a very honest comic explanation of where its creator has disappeared to.

What was YOUR favorite song on the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack?  (UHHH, ALL OF THEM.)

And that’s it!  What have you read or watched this week?  Share in the comments below!

BOOK REPORT for Invisibility by Andrea Cremer and David Levithan

Cover Story: Okay
BFF Charm: Yay!
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: He Said, She Said
Bonus Factors: Laurie, NYC
Relationship Status: I Dig 'Em!

Cover Story: Okay

So the look on the girl's face annoys me for reasons I don't know myself, but hey! Look at that! She's not anorexic! So yay for that! Also, I really, really like the way they did the title.

The Deal:

Stephen has been invisible his whole life. He was just born that way. So color him surprised when his new neighbor talks to him in the hall. Soon, Stephen and Elizabeth develop a friendship, and as they search for clues to answer why he's invisible to everyone but her, they discover that the world is full of cursecasters and spellseekers… and it's very, very dangerous. Elizabeth is determined to break the curse that made Stephen invisible, but how far will he let her go, if her own life is the cost?

BFF Charm: Yay

Elizabeth is all tough on the outside, gooey marshmallow in the center, and I fell in love with her immediately.

It took more time for me to fall for Stephen, because while he's a total MID (Mysterious Invisible Dude) we see things from his perspective, and that perspective is mostly just lonely, then wondrous at being able to see and be seen in return. I mean, I had to cut him some slack, because no one's ever seen him before, ever, and that would be emotionally stunting. Thankfully, he develops as his relationships do.

Then there's Elizabeth's younger brother Laurie, who gets a shiny platinum BFF charm all his own, but more on that later…

Swoonworthy Scale: 6

Elizabeth, being the only person ever to see him, is OBVS going to be Stephen's prime choice for dating, and she was so awesome, I didn't mind how quickly they fell for each other. Then as their relationship develops, it delved into very normal, very realistic relationship territory, all while they're dealing with some serious (and seriously fantastical) shit. Sometimes there's more distance between them when they're together than when they're apart.

Talky Talk: He Said, She Said

The interesting thing about the writing of this book is that I kept forgetting I was reading urban paranormal. So much of the characters and circumstances and relationships and details felt so natural, so real, that I'd be like, "Spellseeker? What?" And then I'd remember I was reading a book about an invisible boy and the girl who can see him. So I gotta say, though the genre may be tired, this book felt fresh as a daisy.

Bonus Factor: Laurie

First off, yes, he was named after THAT Laurie, and Elizabeth was named after THAT Beth. Thankfully, THIS Laurie far surpasses his namesake.  Second, Laurie not only brought the funny in this book -- he also brought a lot of the heart. His spirit was indomitable, and I loved that the authors were able to weave a very realistic thread of a young gay man and his search for true love into their story.

Bonus Factor: NYC

While there was far too little eating going on in this book -- don't get me wrong, they ate, but they were in NY, for Chrissakes! I want details of every single meal! -- it was great to read the authors lush characterization of the city itself.

Casting Call:

Alice Englert as Elizabeth

And as for Stephen?  Well there's only one person I could think of...

(He's invisible, get it?)  Sorry.

Relationship Status: I Dig 'Em!

Thanks to a recent watching of Hemlock Grove, I had an epiphany. One that I'm sure all of you, our readers, will aptly reply to with, "Duh. Have you READ your own book reports?" But Urban Paranormal is TOTALLY my guilty pleasure. SO much of the time, I can read or watch something that is totally bad, but I'll still enjoy it as long as it's got something fantastical or spooky in it, (see Hemlock Grove mention, above.) where I have a super low tolerance for other types of bad tv/books. And then once in a while, along comes a book like this one, written by two great authors, with a fun premise and nice execution, and I don't feel like I need to cover my enjoyment of it with a cough and a sheepish grin. So thanks for that, Andrea Cremer and David Levithan!

FTC Full Disclosure: I received my review copy from Penguin.  I received neither money nor cocktails for writing this review (dammit!). Invisibility is available now.

Y'all, I think I was pretty clear in my review. You need to read The 5th Wave, and you need to read it now. It's intense and emotional and thrilling and compelling and nail-biting and swoon-worthy and ALL OF THE THINGS.

Which is why we are pleased as punch to serve as a stop on the official blog tour!

When we did a giveaway for the book, we asked y'all what you would put in your backpack in the case of an alien invasion. You had some great answers (including a Kindle, Snickers bars and adult diapers), so I thought I would contribute my list as well:

- Jumbo size bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (cos calories don't count in the apocalypse)

- Pride & Prejudice (Mr. Darcy would still be more exciting to me than visitors from another planet)

- Toothbrush (I wore braces for seven years. Therefore, my teeth are the most valuable thing I own and must be cared for.)

- Toilet Paper (Cos otherwise, ew)

- Hand Sanitizer (See above)

- A Gun (I learned a thing or two from Cassie)

- Mascara (Sorry, but what if I meet a dashing hero? A girl has to be prepared.)

- Dry Shampoo (Ditto)

- Deodorant (I'm starting to feel superficial here.)

- Water bottle (I have to have ONE practical thing, right?)

Obviously, I would be dead in three hours.

And now, in case you haven't already been hooked, here's an audio excerpt from The 5th Wave by Rick Yancey. Check it out, then head directly to your local library or bookstore and GET THIS BOOK INTO YOUR GRABBY LITTLE HANDS. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, just DO IT.

INTENSITY IN TEN CITIES, Y'ALL! To paraphrase Cypress Hills, last week we understood how we could just KILL A MAN! After considering all of your, um, highly creative, detailed, and not at all frightening suggestions (srsly, take a look at those comments), most of y'all chose to cover up the murder. Because pleading self-defense with two corroborating witnesses in some I Know What You Did Last Summer pact doesn't pile on enough felonies. (Though I shouldn't judge; I personally chose to leave no witnesses, working title CYOA: Let the Bodies Hit the Floor. But that may have been out of laziness.)

P.S. This is gonna be QUITE lengthy. But you weren't planning to do work this morning anyway, right?

Silas and Sam look down in abject horror, while your strained breaths disrupt the otherwise suffocating silence.

... lifeless body... sprayed in blood... And again. And again...

Bewildered, you stare at your trembling hands. And again ... Out of your periphery, you see Sam's frantic hand gestures, while Silas stays still, his eyes never leaving you. Words erupt from her mouth; you've never seen her this animated before. But you don't hear a sound. ... sprayed in blood...

She's in front of you now, kneeling. He remains motionless. You can't look away from your hands. ... lifeless body... And again...

Sam's speaking to you. "... Caitlin, please... " And now you're fixated on Mr. Crane. What used to be Mr. Crane. "... need a plan... " Oh, that's Sam again. ... And again... You should probably start paying attention. "... self-defense."

"What?" Rasping, you stir from your haze. "No. No cops. I..." You don't dare give the words life. ... lifeless...

Sam looks to Silas with a soundless plea, which goes unanswered. She takes a moment to consider her next words. "They'll understand. Mr. Crane was a really bad guy; we've got more than enough proof. And we'll both stand by you every step of the way, in any way we can." When she glances at Silas this time, the uncertainty in her gaze has been replaced by fierce determination. To protect you.

Tears well in your eyes. You're touched by her loyalty, but you know that's not why you're crying. Now that your clarity has finally been restored, you can't think of anything other than that lifeless body. Lifeless by your hands. "I can't," you quietly plead. "What I've done..."

"OK," Sam resigns. "It's your choice, and... I'll support you no matter what. But, Caitlin -- we still have to figure out our next move. Even if we don't go to the police, they'll still find the body eventually."

Silas finally chimes in. "So let 'em."

* * * * *

The door chimes open. A slight draft grazes the back of your neck. The breeze is refreshing but surprising; you're still not used to hair this short. Or this colour.

"Sit anywhere you like." You gesture the coffee pot in your hands to the available booths -- of which there are many, since the lunch rush just passed.

You're pouring refills for the regulars perched on bar stools when the TV screen catches your eye.

... continuing coverage of the Kayla Peters case. The eighteen-year-old went missing last month, with her body found ten days ago. A group of hikers discovered her body in a riverbed some 700 miles downstream of the theatre camp where she was last seen.

Kayla. You still can't believe what happened to her. To have her life ended so senselessly by an unhinged maniac... Your best friend may have had her faults, but she didn't deserve that. No one does.

... raided the home of primary suspect Daniel Crane, the victim's high school drama teacher. His personal laptop reveals a sexual relationship with Peters, based on illicit photographs and videos that may have been taken without the victim's consent.

The FBI will need to verify the time stamps on those files before pressing charges of production of child pornography against the accused. Either way, Crane, a known sex offender in Arizona, will be charged with possession...

What the news doesn't mention is that one of those sex tapes was leaked and went viral over the weekend. You chastize yourself for being so grim, but you can't help thinking that Kayla got in death what she craved in life: to be known and watched the world over.

Crane is also facing charges for additional murders, as well as extortion and wrongful imprisonment. Police are still canvassing the woods where, yesterday afternoon, park rangers discovered the remains of Grant and Cynthia Peters, the parents of Kayla Peters.

That, you hadn't seen coming. Ironically, it's Crane's sinister depravities that really help sell your fabricated story.

The Peterses' financial records show large sums of money, presumably for ransom, being withdrawn during Week 2 of Kayla's disappearance. But the autopsy indicates that the victim was already deceased at this point, so Crane may have had no intention of letting any of the Peterses live.

Crane has also been identified as the owner of the storage unit that the senior Peterses are believed to have been held captive in. Along with trace amounts of blood belonging to both parents, the storage unit contained a second laptop with numerous voice recordings of each of them. Crane reportedly used these recordings to make phone calls that maintained the ruse of Grant and Cynthia extending their vacation in Paris.

But the content and the access date of one recording conflict with the known timeline. Police believe that this discrepancy is due to one of the amateur investigations into Kayla's disappearance -- namely, by the victim's best friend, Caitlin Landry.

You suppress a flinch at the sound of your name. Your old name. You'd known that it would come up more than you'd want it to as this case unraveled, but this was still an unwelcome surprise.

... Police received a tip to check the house from Kayla Peters' boyfriend, Dylan Corbetti. Corbetti was also a student of Crane's, and had suspected the drama teacher of wrongdoing.

Dylan:  I always knew he was a creep, and I was pretty sure he was messing around with Kayla. He didn't come to school for like over a week, so I went over there to -- I went to his home, but I thought I'd just find photos or Kayla's things or something, you know?

"OK," you say with more certainty than you've ever had in your life. "I'm in."

Silas gives a slight nod, and you can practically hear the gears churning. "Sam? I haven't told you anything yet that the whole world won't be finding out. You've still got plausible deniability."

Looking over at you, Sam takes a deep breath. "No. I said I'd stand by you every step of the way, and I meant it."

"All right. But the only way we can pull this off is if we all have complete trust in each other." His eyes linger on you. Just as quickly, as if he suddenly remembered the precarious state of your relationship, he looks away. "Do you trust me?"

Police credit Corbetti's curiosity and persistence as the key in uncovering the gruesome scene. Crane's nearest neighbour is almost a mile away and he had stopped his mail service, so the stench emitting from the house would have otherwise gone unnoticed for weeks.

"This is insane!" Sam hisses. "I might have more confidence in his plan if he didn't learn it from TV!"

Silas shoots back. "Complete trust, remember? Besides, my roommate's a chem major, and he Mythbusters-ed it. And seems to me, I'M the only one putting myself at risk right now, so -- "

"ENOUGH!" you interject. You look from one to the other. "Look, I can't do this without you. EITHER of you. And Sam -- I love you, but shut up. Silas, just keep your head down and hurry, OK?"

Please be advised that the following story and images may be disturbing to some viewers.

When police searched Crane's basement, they found several storage bins filled with an unknown fluid. Chemical analysis of the fluid and stray hairs found near the bins both suggest that Crane used a corrosive acid to decompose Caitlin Landry's body.

Sam dumps her wares next to the makeshift tarp. "Here's some handsaws from his tool shed. Why he has more than one, I don't even wanna know. But, um, if it's cool with you guys, I'd rather clean the upstairs than stay here."

You give her a grateful but weary smile. Though the real work has barely begun.

Both you and Silas are still for seconds that span eons. At last, you hear the clatter of metal against metal; Silas has chosen his instrument.

You don't look. You faintly hear the first brush of saw against skin. Then the sound is muted. Until steady drips upon plastic that grow into a trickle.

Silas' blade stops. Then starts again. The timbre has changed. Dull. Harsh. Bone, you think.

He pauses again. "You don't have to be here for this, you know."

YOU don't have to be here, is what you don't say. Instead, you pick up a saw of your own. "It'll go a lot faster if you had help."

Although highly unusual, there is precedence for the same killer being inconsistent in the disposal methods of victims. One homicide expert says that the kills were likely not premeditated, but the attempts to hide the bodies are similar in their level of attention.

Newly obtained surveillance video shows Crane breaking into Roosevelt High School to obtain hydrofluoric acid for...

Good thing Crane had the same build as Silas. And even better that their similarities ended there. Well, except for that whole inappropriate interest in younger girls thing. But at least Silas can barely order a drink in a bar, whereas Crane is -- was -- twice your age.

Daniel Crane remains missing, along with the millions of dollars he extorted from the Peterses. Prior to his disappearance, Crane requested funding advances for his theatre production; that money has vanished as well. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact...

You had always known that Kayla's parents were loaded, but you hadn't known the extent. But the thought of Kayla's death -- and Mr. Crane's -- benefitting your new life still makes you a bit queasy.

Oh great. Now the segment on you is airing again. Luckily, you've always shied from the forefront, so the only photos that the media have of you are woefully outdated. Funny to think how you're only a few weeks removed from trying to take your turn in the spotlight. And now you want nothing more than for the world to forget Caitlin Landry. You know you want to.

... a person of interest in Landry's disappearance, for writing a threatening note found among the victim's belongings.

Alexandria:  It was all a big misunderstanding, that's all. Caitlin was a dear friend of mine, and she was always so supportive of my career in theatre. The note was just a harmless joke between friends.

Coming up next: Caitlin Landry's parents, on their daughter's tragic demise...

You look away. Your fists are clenched, nails digging into your palms. STOP IT. Don't you dare cry. But you made your choice, knowing full well who and what you'd be leaving behind. And even if you could have stayed... how would you be able to face them knowing what you did?

The rest of the afternoon crawls by. You're clearing a table when the shop bell announces the arrival of another customer. You turn around. Oh. Not another customer.

"I'm going on my break now," you tell one of the other waitresses. Or maybe you told the coat rack. You can't really think of anything other than the part of your old life that you're allowed to keep.

You slide into the empty side of the booth. "Hi." The word barely escapes your lips.

Silas smiles. "Hi back."

The two of you sit in comforting silence. You don't know where to begin. Fortunately, you don't have to.

He places a messenger bag on the table. "A gift from our friend."

Sam. Your face breaks into a smile. Inside the bag are a stack of elastic-bound documents and several rolls of cash.

"Forty," he tells you. "More than enough to get you to the rendezvous. The rest is still being cleaned."

"And I'm assuming this was your idea?" You hold up your new driver licence for Landry Louise Taylor.

Smirking, he lowers his voice (into quite a sexy rumble, you might add). "Well if you don't like it, you could always change it."

You roll your eyes, but the wide grin on your face is betraying you. When you regain composure, you focus on more important matters. "And how are things going with you?"

Silas counts off. "Got out of my lease. Got my own care package. Paper was more than happy to revoke my internship, since the lead reporter already took over the story anyway. And now it's just a matter of time."

You inhale, gripping the edge of the table. "So this is happening."

"Yeah," he says softly. "Yeah, it is."

You finally notice that Silas has one arm casually resting on the top of the booth seat, and the other along the end of table. His fingers are tantalizingly close to yours.

You force yourself to get up. "I should get back to work."

Silas nods. "Yeah. I should get going anyway. Long drive."

He stays until the end of your shift.

* * * * *

You wake with a start. You sit up, heart still pounding against your chest. It's been over a year and more than 9000 miles, but the memories keep resurfacing. And again. And again. And again.

The sheets rustle. "Bad dream again?" asks a groggy Silas. Ever since the two of you dropped the act and moved into the same room a few weeks ago, it's been impossible to keep your restless nights hidden from him.

"Yeah," you reply. "Go back to sleep. At least one of us should get some rest tonight."

Silas gets out of bed. The glow of moonlight illuminates just enough for you to see his lean and unclothed body. (Just because you get to see it all the time, doesn't mean you enjoy the view any less.) "Nah," he says, ruining your fun by putting on a pair of pants. "I'll go make us some tea."

"I'll be there in a sec," you call after him as he leaves the bedroom.

You put on a thin sweater and walk out onto the beach. Hugging your arms, you watch the waves clash against the shore. And you recall the night that everything changed.

"Thanks so much for getting me," Kayla says as she enters your car. "Theatre camp was SUCH a bust. They confiscated my phone and everything. And there were absolutely NO hot guys."

"Don't you already have one of those?" you tease.

She's typing away on her cell. "Well, that doesn't mean I can't look."

Kayla tells you all about theatre camp on the way back to town. When she's not constantly interrupted by her phone, that is.

You give her a glance. "D.C. again?" you ask, referring to the name that keeps popping up on her screen.

"Yeah," she replies. "So sweet. Dylan really missed me while I was gone."

You spot Dylan walking along the sidewalk. "Oh, there he is now. Why's he hanging out with Steven Pruett?"

"What?" Her voice does a poor job of concealing her surprise. "Um, hang on. Pull over, OK? I'll just be a sec."

After Kayla hops out of the car, you luck out and find parking right away. You're rounding the corner to where Dylan was, when their voices halt your step.

Him first. "... Don't you get it? WE'RE OVER! We've been over for months, and we were barely together to begin with!"

Her now. "This new photo of mine begs to differ. And if you have any sense, you'll continue to honour our agreement."

Steve. "What agreement?"

Her. "This doesn't concern you, Tom Brady. Loverboy knows. And he's not going to do anything stupid. RIGHT?"

Mumbling. Then footsteps heading your way. You wipe the puzzled look off your face and step out to meet Kayla.

"Hey!" She's calling upon her acting abilities to appear calm, but her tapping foot gives away her annoyance. "Why'd you stop? I told you I wouldn't be long."

You suppress the questions that you're dying to ask. She'll tell you on her own, right? "Oh. I thought we'd be hanging out with Dylan."

"No, no," she insists. "Tonight is strictly bestie time. Just thought I'd get a few hugs in before Girls' Night."

"OK," you say unconvincingly. "Let's head to your house then."

You're two streets away when Kayla makes a realization. "Ah, dang it. I totally left my favourite sweater back at camp."

Pulling over, you suggest calling the camp director in the morning. She's insistent on going back tonight.

But won't the doors be locked? "Please," she scoffs. "Like a locked door has ever stopped me before."

You remain unswayed. "Caitlin, please," she begs. "It's been a really long day, and having it would really help."

You can't believe you're actually considering this. "I don't know... I'd really be pushing it with my curfew." Not to mention the extra gas money that you don't have. 

"Please?" She gives you her brightest smile. "It'd also let me spend more time with my best friend."

Sighing, you relent and turn around. Kayla dominates the conversation on the drive to theatre camp, but you don't mind. You're too busy keeping the car between the speed limit and the ticketing limit.

After maneuvering back up a series of winding roads, you finally pull up to the camp. But all hope of making curfew is gone. And it's a bit chilly, so you go to grab your jacket from the trunk.

You're still staring at the trunk when Kayla emerges empty-handed. "Wasn't there," she calls out. "Don't know where it could have gone."

You toss Kayla's bag to the ground, freeing the sweater trapped beneath it. "You mean this one?"

"Yeah!" She grabs the sweater. "And what's your damage? I have breakable stuff in there."

She goes to retrieve her bag, but you slam the trunk shut. "OK, seriously?" she asks incredulously. "Chill."

"Am I serious?" you shout. A bit louder than you intend to. "Are you freaking kidding me? I'm not the one who dragged our asses back out here for something that we had all along!"

"It was an honest mistake, OK?" she answers sheepishly. "I really thought I left it here."

Your temper continues to rise. "So you just had to have your lapdog go back and get it, huh? GAWD, Kayla -- you're so manipulative! You care more about a frigging sweater than you do me!"

"Don't put words in my mouth. I --" She stops herself and backs away. "You know what? You're upset. And before we say anything else that we might regret, I'll give you some time to cool off."

Kayla turns to walk away, when -- THUD! She collapses to the ground, the dirt smothering her screams. She tries to get up, but she can't. Your knees dig into her back as you bash the rock you're wielding into her skull.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Until her lifeless body stops resisting underneath you. With as much strength as you can muster, you shove her narcissist of a corpse off the cliff. You throw the rock and her stupid bag after her. Still seething, you stand sprayed in blood as Kayla's body plunges into the river below. And that's when the realization slams into you.

"Omigod," you whisper aloud. "What did I just do?"

Vision blurred with tears, you race home, shattering the speed limit and probably the sound barrier, too. You sneak in through your bedroom window. ... smothering her screams... You clamp your hands over your mouth, muffling your hysterical sobs. Your hands. Hands still stained with her blood.

You run to the ensuite bathroom. You jump into the shower, fully dressed. You shed your drenched clothes, and you scrub your skin raw. ... sprayed in blood...

Still soaking wet, you pace around your room. You haven't stopped crying, and now you're hyperventilating. You take a seat on your bed, but your breathing keeps getting worse. ... you bash... seething... smothering... stops resisting...

And then the world goes dark.

You tear yourself out of the past, and you follow the sound of laughter to the kitchen.

"What are you doing up?" you ask.

Sam shrugs. "This is when I'm at my most productive. Though the same could be said about you two."

The three of you hang out until daybreak. Surrounded by so much warmth and love, it's almost enough to make you forget this intense, lurking fear. That fear you get every time your emotions flare. The fear that your rage is lying in wait, to return one day to take Silas and Sam too.

Almost.

THE END

House Targaryen

Dany comes across another slaver city -- now with more slaves!  200-thousand, to be exact.  So natch, she decides to take the city.  What happens to things that don't bend?

Bran's Walkabout

Jojen and Bran decide that they need to go North of The Wall to find the three-eyed crow, but Osha just wants to go to Castle Black.  She tells them about that one time when her boyfriend turned into a White Walker and she had to burn down their tent to kill him.

Beyond The Wall

Ygritte and Jon Snow continue their witty banter as they start the week-long march to Castle Black, and we finally find out why Orell has been such a dick to Jon Snow all this time:  he's in love with Ygritte.  He tries to win her over by telling her how she should be with her own kind.  He obviously didn't get the memo about the way to Ygritte's heart.  Later on, they pass a broken down old windmill, and Ygritte thinks it's a castle.  Then Jon Snow tells her that there's no way Mance Rayder will win against the Night's Watch.  Ygritte uses personal possessive pronouns and they get kissy.

King's Landing

Tywin's meanness is cheer-worthy when he schools Joffrey in matters of the small council, but I question his wisdom on the whole "Bah, dragons…" thing.

The Red Witch sails Gendry by the castle and tells him that oh, by the way, Robert Baratheon was your dad.

Margaery explains to Sansa, that sweet summer child, that she's not getting the worst Lannister.

Tyrion tries unsuccessfully to convince Shae that even though he has to marry Sansa, she could be a sister wife.

The Brotherhood

The Brotherhood gets wind of a Lannister raiding party nearby, and decide to go do some raiding of their own, at which point Arya says enough is enough, and runs off… right into the Hound -- who I'm not sure how to feel about anymore.  This is distressing.

House Stark

On their way to Walder Frey's place, Our Robb and company get caught in a rain storm.  I'm not sure why this slows them down, considering all they've travelled through, but it gives Our Robb and Talisa some nekkid time together.  Talisa also writes a letter to her mother and drops the bomb that what-what!  She's got a Stark in the oven.

Alfie REALLY should have stayed in his room

In the most uncomfortable sex scene ever witnessed, two girls start to seduce a delirious Theon, who obviously thinks, "oh, nothing could go wrong here..." only to be interrupted by The Boy, who is overly interested in Theon's member, and brandishes a hooked knife, with the intent of "making some changes."  Ugh. 

The World's Most Unlikely Friendship

Jaime promises Brienne to return the Stark girls to their mother before heading out to King's Landing, but along the way finds out that his promise to Locke about Brienne's dad paying her weight in sapphires is about to bite her in the ass.  So he convinces the dude escorting him to turn around.  Back at Harrenhal, Locke has put Brienne in a pit, where she HAS TO FIGHT A BEAR with nothing but a wooden sword.  Jaime JUMPS INTO THE PIT to save her, sealing their place on the show as the sweetest relationship ever.

If Game Of Thrones Was YA Novel

Orell has been just waiting to work up his nerve to ask Ygritte to prom, but the new foreign exchange student beat him to it!  What's he going to do?

Quotes For Our Slambook

"While I clean her chamber pot and lick your cock when you're bored?" (Shae's opinion of Tyrion's offer.)

BOOK REPORT for The Sweet Dead Life by Joy Preble

Cover Story: Just Fine
BFF Charm: Yay!
Swoonworthy Scale: 0
Talky Talk: Self-Aware
Bonus Factors: Houston, Angels Done Right, Mystery
Relationship Status: Roomies

Cover Story: Just Fine

I'm not crazy about the hot pink, especially because this is a book that really would go over well with boys as much as girls (donneven get me started on gender marketing and boy vs girl books. This book won't make kids pull a Fred Savage and say, "Wait, is this a kissing book?" is what I'm saying. And yes, I know boys like kissing books and girls don't always. But ANYWAY, despite Jason Collins, carrying a book with hot pink will still get lots of boys beaten up, especially in this book's home state of Texas*).

*Before you get all defensive about the great state, remember I grew up there and lived there for 25 of my nearly 32 years, and I get as impatient as you do when the world treats Texas as the last bastion of crazy, BUT you know I'm totally right, because Rick Perry. Anyway, TEXAS FOREVER.

The Deal:

So, back to the actual book review. Jenna Samuels is dying, like for real dying, not the OMG-my-mom-is-sooooo-embarrassing dying way of a typical 14-year-old. On the way to the hospital, her stoner brother Casey (who is really soooooo embarrassing) crashes the car and actually does die. Lucky for Jenna, he comes back as an A-you-know-what (and not asshole - he already kind of was one of those), ready to help Jenna find out who's trying to kill her, as well as sort out what the hell is going on with their majorly wrecked mom and disappeared dad.

BFF Charm:Yay!

Not only do I salute Jenna's excellent taste in footwear (Ariat boots), I also salute her general kickassery. She's smart, funny, and manages to keep her shit together in definite shambles-making situations.

Swoonworthy Scale: 0

This book is about Jenna saving lives, yo. She doesn't have time for romance, and besides, she's in eighth grade. I was a late bloomer for sure, so when I was in eighth grade, romances consisted of holding hands at the bus stop and listening to each other breathe on the phone but never actually talking, or, like KISSING, and that's how I'd like to imagine all middle school kids. Innocent and slightly nerdy. There's plenty of time for crazy stuff later, trust me. Plenty.

Talky Talk: Self-Aware

So I really had no idea what to call this. Precocious, maybe? Jenna's voice is sharp and funny, old for her age without actually being unbelievable, you know? She also has a cute way of dropping in vocabulary words that made me laugh. Preble also completely captures the wasteland of Texas suburbs, and never once misuses (or misspells) "y'all."

Bonus Factor: Houston

People either love Houston or hate it, and I'm firmly in the LOVE IT camp. Sure, it's a nightmare of urban sprawl, and sometimes smells like sulfur after it rains, and in the summer you need to take the showered a day because of the heat and humidity, oh and did I mention the mosquitos? It's also vibrant and crazy and huge and full of delicious, cheap food and doesn't think it's too cool for school like some other cities I could mention.

(You can buy this awesome tshirt right here.)

Bonus Factor: Angels Done Right

Jenna's so embarrassed by the angel thing, she can't even say the word, so don't worry this will turn into one of those angels-are-the-new-vampire romance books.

Bonus Factor: Mystery

I love a good mystery, and there still aren't enough of them in YA, despite me complaining about it for years and years. This one's not super tricksy, but it's still fun.

Casting Call:

I reeeeally wanted to cast Mae Whitman as Jenna, but she's a wee bit too old to play a 14-year-old (and I'm one of the few who does not care when 30-year-olds play teenagers on TV). Unfortunately, my pop culture knowledge score is at a -75 right now, so I got no one else for you.

Steven R. McQueen as Casey

Relationship Status: Roomies

Book, you'd be a great roommate. You'd be loads of fun, but also know when it's time to study. Also, maybe you'd let me borrow those awesome boots? Just, you know, your NEW ones.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received my review copy from Soho Press. I received neither money nor cocktails for writing this review (dammit!). The Sweet Dead Life will be available May 14.

Wanna win a copy? Leave a comment about any of the bonus factors -- how you feel about Houston, YOUR favorite much-maligned city, angels, the dearth of mystery in YA, whatevs. Just as long as it's something besides, "Pick me!" Hey, there's no such thing as a free book. Okay, there is, but it's not like I'm asking for your firstborn child here. I don't want your firstborn child, anyway -- I have my own problems! I'll pick a winner by Sunday, May 19.

Who's ready for Pretty Little Liars to come back on? You? I thought so! Until then, take a look at Jacqueline Green's Truth or Dare, and this interview with Jacqueline herself, where she says, "Truth" whenever her turn comes up, and dishes on both her embarrassing secrets and one of the characters in her book, Tenley Reed. Check out an excerpt of Tenley's story, then read on for the interview.

Tenley blew out an angry breath as she stalked into her bedroom, yanking the door shut behind her. She was being paranoid. It was a nasty joke and nothing more. She stopped in front of the mirror, turning a little to admire her new additions. She’d gotten them done last year, when she lived with her mom’s cousin in California for the month of August. She’d gone to one of those famous L.A. surgeons whose résumé read like a who’s who of celebrity boobs. Tenley lifted her dress off, letting it fall to the floor. Even in her bra, they looked perfect. It was only when you looked really closely that you could tell. She unhooked her bra, dropping it on top of her dress. The scar lines were tiny and growing fainter by the day, but still, they were there.
She couldn’t believe someone had made such a lucky guess last night. She just hoped none of her pageant competition would notice.
Her mom had signed her up for the Susan K. Miller Scholarship Pageant, which was taking place in Echo Bay next weekend, and technically plastic surgery was against the rules. But it was fine; she would just have to make sure no one saw her topless.

Tenley and best friend Caitlin have a favorite place to hang out — a crappy nail salon in the next town over. Did you have an unconventional hang-out spot in high school? What about now?

In high school, my parents had a little shed in our backyard. It was mainly meant for storage, but my best friends and I decided it was the perfect place to hang out. We'd spend hours on end in there, all crammed inside, practically siting on top of each other. I have such good memories from that storage shed! Now, most of my hang-out spots are pretty conventional, which is kind of sad! Maybe I should get a shed… 

If you could be a pageant queen (like Tenley) or a gymnast (like Tenley), which would it be, and why? 

I'd have to say a gymnast. My sister was a gymnast growing up and I've always been awed by what they're capable of. I'd be terrible at the sport (I'm the least flexible person ever!), but I love watching the gymnasts in the Olympics and imagining for just a moment what that would be like.

Tenley has a crush on her new step-brother (eww). Name an embarrassing celebrity crush (of any decade).

My biggest celebrity crush was Jonathan Taylor Thomas as a kid. That in itself probably isn't too embarrassing (I imagine I was one of millions in the 90s!), BUT my reason for liking him was a little different than most. I was a pretty ardent vegetarian growing up (I might possibly have had PETA posters hanging in my bedroom...), so when I found out that JTT was a vegetarian, my heart was instantly stolen!

A piece of jewelry plays an important role in the book. Do you have a piece of jewelry that means the world to you?

Now, it's definitely my wedding ring because it connects me to my husband. But growing up, I had a different ring I wore all the time. It was a band of tiny, colorful gemstones which my grandfather had given to me, my sister, and our cousin. My sister and I were really close with our cousin, but we didn't get to see her all that often. Knowing we were all wearing those matching rings made me feel like we were tied together, even through time and space. 

Tenley is known throughout Echo Bay for throwing parties which involve outrageous games of truth or dare. What is the craziest dare that you accepted? 

On vacation, my friends and I once accepted a group dare to go to the local townie bar, which supposedly didn't ID. (We were under 21 at the time.) We were nervous at first, but we went through with it! We were just starting to feel the rush of a successful dare when suddenly two scruffy-looking, middle-aged men approached us. My first thought was: are they REALLY going to hit on us? They're twice our age! Then they flashed their badges. My second thought was: crap. They were undercover cops. Apparently we'd chosen a bad night to accept that dare! Luckily, we were let off with just a warning. The bar didn't fare as well, though; afterwards, the cops permanently shut it down. I've always felt a little responsible for the closing of that bar!

Thanks, Jacqueline! Now the fun part: There are FIVE copies of Truth or Dare up for grabs. All you have to do is head to the comments and answer one of the questions Jacqueline faced (no dare option, sorry, although if you want to make up your own dare and post a video in the comments just for fun, we won't object). I'll pick the winners* in ONE WEEK (also known as Tuesday, May 21). Truth or Dare is available now.

*US only, sorry!

ABOUT TRUTH OR DARE

In Jacqueline Green’s highly charged debut thriller, perfect for fans of Pretty Little Liars, an innocent game of TRUTH OR DARE spins out of control for three girls who find it’s no longer a party game. It’s do or die.
It all started on a whim: the game was a way for Tenley Reed to reclaim her popularity, a chance for perfect Caitlin “Angel” Thomas to prove she’s more than her Harvard application. Loner Sydney Morgan wasn’t even there; she was hiding behind her camera like usual. But when all three start receiving mysterious dares long after the party has ended, they’re forced to play along—or risk exposing their darkest secrets.
Paranoia builds as each little slip of paper taunts the girls with dares that threaten not just their reputations but also their lives. How far will Tenley, Caitlin and Sydney go to keep the truth from  surfacing? And who’s behind this twisted game?

Not to brag, but here at FYA, we've got some of the best readers on the world wide web. Y'all are intelligent, thoughtful and clever, and best of all, you're proud YAngelists. You're not afraid to let your LadyNerd flag fly, and that's why we love hearing from you in the comments section and via social media. Hell, we even created our Smarty Pants series just to show off how awesome you are.

And now we're taking things to the next level. Maybe it's because Teen Movie Madness brought out our competitive streak, or maybe it's due to the end of the latest Choose Your Own Adventure and the eminent return of our Cover Story feature. Or maybe we just need some excitement in our lives, and there's no more Twilight movies to mock (and drink along with).

Whatever the reason, we're pleased as punch to launch our Cover Story Contest!

Here's the deal:

1. We're giving away a customized FYA t-shirt and FYA champ can koozie, plus we'll publish the winning post on FYA.

2. To enter, fill out this form with your own Cover Story entry. Basically, you choose a YA cover (the more ridiculous, the better) and write a fictionalized blurb about the book based solely on the cover. To get an idea of what we're looking for (and to make sure you're not writing about a cover we've already tackled), check out our Cover Story listings here.

3. The deadline to enter is May 31st, 2013.

4. This contest is limited to U.S. residents. (Sorry, international readers! We still love you!)

If you have any questions, hit us up in the comments.

Now slip on your snarky pants and let the cover judgment begin!

BOOK REPORT for Towering by Alex Flinn

Cover Story: Fancy Dress Returns
BFF Charm: A World of No
Swoonworthy Scale: 0? I guess?
Talky Talk: Insufferable
Bonus Factors: Drug Ring
Anti-Bonus Factor: Literally Everything About This Book
Relationship Status: It's Not Me; It's You

You can read the rest of my review (if you can even call it a review and not, say, a written plea for literary justice) over at Kirkus!  And then scurry right back because I need to make sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Follow along the whole rewatch here!

Last week, on Gilmore Girls…

We’re on Week 3, and Gilmore Girls has finally become wholly itself, the full-fledged show that we remember and adore. The first six episodes were sort of warming us up, but with “Kiss and Tell,” Gilmore Girls has evolved into what it will remain for the rest of the series. Kirk is Kirk, Taylor is Taylor, Stars Hollow is revealed as a magical place filled with more festivals per capita than any other city in the world and the source of Luke’s crotchetiness is revealed. (Spoiler alert: it’s Taylor Doose.)

Let's dive in, but first! A reminder of our drinking game rules:

The Gilmore Girls Drinking Game Rules

Drink once every time:

Lorelai or Rory drinks coffee.

Emily gets flustered by Lorelai's bizarre sense of humor.

Sookie is controlling about food.

Paris is controlling about anything.

Michel snubs a customer.

Luke is crotchety.

Taylor has an absurd scheme for Stars Hollow.

The girls acquire massive amounts of food and then fail to take even one bite.

Drink twice every time:

Kirk has a new job.

You see a town troubadour.

You see a moment from the credits.

Mrs. Kim says "We appreciate your business."

On to the episodes!

1.07 “Kiss And Tell”

Somebody’s had her first kiss! If you guessed Rory, you’re smart, because lord knows Lorelai’s lips have been around the block a few times. Rory visits Dean at Doose’s Market, and he surprises her by laying one on her next to the ant spray. She thanks him and runs away straight to Lane’s while accidentally shoplifting a box of corn starch. She gives the juicy details to Lane, who insists the ant spray aisle is a good aisle (“An aisle where you get kissed by the new kid is a good aisle”).

Rory wants to tell Lorelai, but Lorelai’s grouchy because their fridge isn’t working, and Rory’s afraid she won’t like hearing that the kid who almost compelled Rory to drop out of Chilton is macking on her at the grocery store. When Lorelai finds out from everyone else in town, she does wig a bit, spying on Dean with Luke, but she tries to play it cool and invites him to watch Willy Wonka with her and Rory that night. Rory is not pleased that her first date with Dean will be with her mother in attendance, but it all goes really well and adorably, including a talk between Dean and Lorelai where she makes it clear that the entire town is watching him and he makes it clear that he’s not giving up on Rory. Lorelai’s impressed, and so am I. 

In Stars Hollow news, Taylor exists! And he’s got a crazy Taylor scheme in his role as Town Selectman (drink!), organizing a city-wide Autumn Fest and haranguing Luke to put up some autumnal decorations at the diner. Luke deals with this request about as cheerfully as you can imagine (drink!). Also, this:

How many times do I have to drink?

7.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

5.

Flirtation quota:

There’s obviously a ton of Dean flirting this week, and I can’t get over how cute it is that Rory thanked him for his kiss.

“That was very polite,” Lorelai teases when she hears the details from Rory.

Most dated pop culture reference:

This actually isn’t that dated, but it's worth mentioning. When Dean says he’d like to watch Boogie Nights for their next movie night, Rory says, “You’ll never get it past Lorelai. She had a bad reaction to Magnolia. She sat there for three hours screaming ‘I want my life back!’” 

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

She brings over some unnamed dessert for movie night, but since we can’t tell what it is, I will instead use this space to list only some of the snacks Rory and Lorelai procure for Willy Wonka: jumbo marshmallows, supreme pizza, Lick ‘o’ Stick, jelly beans, Caramello bars, Cheetos, popcorn, cookie dough, Hershey’s kisses, Red Vines… Dean gapes at Rory, “Wow, you can eat!” which reminds me that my friend Jon’s uncle apparently asks after me and says “That girl can eat!” every time he sees Jon because once I ate them out of house and home when they had me over for brunch.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

Let’s see, a tie-dyed shirt, hot pink clogs and a crocheted headscarf. Easy winner!

Kirk insanity:

No Kirk this episode – but that time is waning, I promise you.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

After hearing the total for all the junk food they just purchased, Lorelai marvels, “Wow, it’s expensive to slowly rot your insides, huh?”

Random observation: 

I love the scene between Rory and Lorelai before Dean comes over. Rory frets that she’ll never be able to slay the fellas the way Lorelai does, with her witty one-liners and sexy hair twirls. Lorelai gives her some great advice on charming boys, and the truth is, both of these girls do plenty of fella-slaying before the end of the series.

1.08 “Love and War and Snow”

Snow is in the air, and we learn that this is Lorelai’s favorite time of year. She goes all-out giddy over the first snow, and this year’s snowfall brings an extra present: Max is in town for the evening, while Rory just happens to be staying the night at her grandparents due to the snow storm. Rory has a great time at Richard and Emily’s, and even teaches them to enjoy a frozen pizza when their chef cancels because of the weather.

Max and Lorelai have one hell of a first date – notably, Luke seems crestfallen when he sees them walking around all moony together - and she invites Max inside for “coffee” when she runs into a moping Lane, who totally box-blocks poor Lorelai.

Why is Lane there? She’s been crushing hard on her band partner Rich Blumenfeld, and Rory’s been MIA lately due to Chilton and Dean, so Lane sort of loses all sense of reason and runs her fingers through Rich’s hair without Rich’s permission. She is mortified.

Lorelai tells Max to sleep in the living room and lets Lane sleep in Rory’s room, and Rory is chagrined to come home and find her English teacher on the couch the next morning. Rory apologizes sincerely to Lane for being such an absentee friend, and the besties make up in true bestie fashion.

In Taylor/Luke news, Luke’s super annoyed with the local reenactment of the revolutionary Battle of Stars Hollow, in which literally nothing happened but eight guys stood around waiting for an enemy that never showed. Luke thinks it’s stupid, because it is, but he ends up bringing coffee to the poor schmoes standing in the snow because under that gruff exterior, he’s a mensch.

How many times do I have to drink?

8.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

4.

Flirtation quota:

Rory and Dean flirt over literature – my favorite kind of flirting! – when she convinces him to read Jane Austen and he promises he will if she’ll read Hunter S. Thompson. Dean starts out a lot smarter than he seems later in the series.

Lorelai does a little light flirting with Luke before she runs into Max and flirts with him like crazy, but it’s not her fault. It’s the snow. “You know how I get – it’s like catnip!”

Most dated pop culture reference:

This isn’t quite pop culture, but it sure is dated: Rory has a beeper!!

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

She makes maple sugar snowflakes for the guests’ pillows at the Independence Inn.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

This sock monkey shirt paired with a fleece-lined denim jacket really takes the cake.

Kirk insanity:

He’s officially Our Kirk! During the reenactment, as Luke offers coffee to the guys, Kirk asks for an herbal tea with a squeeze of lemon, which is just the kind of quaint fastidiousness we grow to love from Kirk.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

Rory, on Lorelai waking her up by listening to a voicemail from Max over and over: “It’s all fodder for the tell-all.”

Random observation: 

This episode initiates one of my favorite Stars Hollow traditions: we see our first town meeting!

(Here, I made you this handy graphic. Feels just like you're there, doesn't it?)

1.09 "Rory's Dance"

Rory has her first dance at Chilton, and she asks Dean to accompany her despite some labored attempts on ChaMM's behalf to get her to go with him. Paris is not pleased. When Rory shows up with that tall drink of water on her arm, everyone's duly impressed or jealous - especially Paris, who brought her cousin as a date, and ChaMM, who very nearly gets into a fight with Dean despite Dean's six or seven inch height advantage.

Meanwhile, Lorelai has injured her back making Rory's beautiful dress (I love Lorelai's seamstress skills!), so Emily stays over to take care of her while Rory's at the dance. It all goes very well, with some lovely bonding moments between Emily and Lorelai, until Rory and Dean accidentally fall asleep at Miss Patty's while reading The Portable Dorothy Parker (impossible!), and Rory doesn't make it home until the next morning. This is now the THIRD plot in nine episodes that centers around one or both of the Gilmore girls oversleeping. You'd think with all the caffeine they drink, they could manage to wake up on time once in a while. Emily accuses Lorelai of letting Rory turn out like her, and the fight turns ugly, and Lorelai and Rory have an equally ugly fight once Emily leaves. Rory claims that Lorelai's only angry because she was embarrassed in front of Emily, and while she's not wrong, my mother would skin me alive if I didn't come home until the morning after my first date, so you'll excuse me if I'm Team Lorelai here.

We start to see more of Rory's spunk in this ep as she stands up for herself to Paris, disses ChaMM and asks Dean out. It's nice to see her growing a backbone, and Future Rory certainly shows more of her mom's moxie than we've seen in the first few episodes.

How many times do I have to drink?

11.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

Only two, tsk tsk.

Flirtation quota:

No flirting for Lorelai this episode, but Rory makes up for it in spades. That's my girl! She and Dean DTR and confirm that they are, in fact, bf-gf - after he rightly tells her how amazing she looks and deliberately flirts with her in front of Madeline and Louise when Louise hits on him. Dean's so swoon-worthy at this point in the show! 

ChaMM does his best to win over Rory, but his best ain't so great, and to add insult to poor Paris' injury, her cousin/date hits on Rory at the dance.

Most dated pop culture reference:

Rory, on Dean: "He's my gentleman caller." Lane: "Okay, Blanche."

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

She brings over tacos and a burrito for the ailing Lorelai, but I'm not sure she made them. This honor will have to go to Emily's mashed banana on toast despite the fact that Lorelai says about the mushy concoction, "It looks like somebody already ate that, Mom."

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

She's suffering back pain, she's frantic that her kid is missing and her mom is yelling at her, so we'll have to forgive her for these khaki jeans and the dip-dyed shirt adorned with Chinese characters.

Kirk insanity:

No Kirk, more's the pity. I'd have liked to see him play one of the aghast villagers who stumble on Dean and Rory in Miss Patty's studio.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

When Emily's angling for an invitation to watch Rory get ready for her first dance: "I figured if I got enough pictures I could at least line them up in chronological order and pretend I was there. Maybe bind them together, make a flipbook out of them."

Random observation:

This is more about the show in general - I showed it to my mom for the first time over Mother's Day weekend, and she fell absolutely in love. She's obsessed! We watched several episodes together and it was a pretty heartwarming experience. This is just to say: share this show with your moms, people. They'll thank you for it!

--

I'm a big fan of the next three episodes - "Forgiveness and Stuff," "Paris Is Burning" and "Double Date" - so be sure to meet me back here next Wednesday morning as we continue our rewatch project!

And a question for you, FYA readers: I know some people out there are Team ChaMM. If you are, please speak up, because I'd love to know why. I loathe the dude (as I suspect you've noticed by now), but I respect differing opinions!

Thanks to this episode, I've made a huge discovery.

And that discovery is... I don't like Jenna.

There! I've said it! And I kind of feel bad about it buuuuut it's true. She was my homegirl all through season one, and I was rooting for her in season two, but now... now I just wish she would go away and leave the show in the capable hands of the rest of the cast. She's basically become the Sookie of Awkward.

Fave slang/phrase: "Put your hater shades on and black out her vibes." - Tamara (Runner up: "That's really fu-jacked." - T)

Matty or Jake or Colin (who won this episode): Well, shizz, now I feel like I need to add Austin up in this mix, because he is totes adora-weird. (He better not be a replacement for Kyle!) But sticking with our three main dudes (for now), I'll have to go with Matty. I know, I'm as surprised as you are! Sure, Colin was smokin' hot, per yooj, and Jake was preciously high, but Matty continued to be INSANELY mature. He didn't bolt from the party, even though he was having a bad time, and he gave Jenna the sweetest compliment ever (which, I'm sorry, but she did not deserve).

OMG moment: It was less of a shocked OMG and more of a OH NO YOU DI-NT (ONYD) but when Jenna whipped out her "suicide" story, I was like WTF.

Here's what happened:

It's Halloween, and Jenna didn't dress up. She's already feeling insecure about her lack of a costume, but then she sees the Hot and Not Lists posted around school by a biotch princess named "Sabri." (I could have mispelled it but, as Tamara pointed out, what kind of name is Sabri?) Matty is, of course, on the Hot List, and Jenna is on the Not List. Which doesn't make sense, because Jenna is pretty, but moreover, COLIN ISN'T ON THE HOT LIST? I CALL SHENANIGANS.

In order to avoid Sabri's Halloween party, Jenna suggests that they crash the party at Colin's girlfriend, Angelique's, house. Due to the laws of nature, Angelique is super pretty, and she also happens to be Sadie's archnemesis from junior high. As Sadie puts it, "We were best friends until 9/11... the 9 to 11-year-old horseback riding competition." Once they get into the party, Sadie is obsessed with finding the Golden Horsehoe that she should have won, and while searching for it, she meets Austin, Angelique's brother. (Was he holding an oxygen mask?) I like Austin immediately, which is weird, because he likes Sadie immediately and asks for her digits at the end of the night. Well, he's a hell of a step up from Ricky Schwartz!

Meanwhile, Jake eats a pumpkin cookie, which is really a "space" cookie, which is really a pot cookie, and gets super high. He is therefore ill equipped to help Tamara when a rando girl gets her face piercing stuck on T's sweater. This scene made me feel a lot better about the time I got my bracelet caught on my sweater, because I didn't have to make awkward conversation with my wrist for the next half hour.

Meanwhile, Jenna tells a guy with a crow's head that Colin is a douche, and SURPRISE (JK, not a surprise at all), Colin is under that crow's head. She feels terrible, but he and Matty hit it off, and they eventually end up playing a game of Confession. Jenna's low self-esteem strikes again, and, in order to sound interesting, she confesses that, "I was the girl who tried to kill herself." UGH, JENNA, STOP OVER-COMPENSATING. She milks this story for all of its worth, and Colin's friends think that she's positively ENCHANTING. Oooh, maybe she'll switch schools and we'll never have to see her again! Too much to ask?

Jenna feels like a hero, but Matty is uncomfortable, and then Jake falls and breaks a coffee table. (How v. Tommy Boy of you, Jake!) While cleaning up the glass, Angelique tells Jenna that she is way out of Matty's league, which is... not true? Then Jenna finds Matty patiently waiting for her in the car, and when she asks why he likes her, he says that she is "the best person I know. Every moment I spend with you, I get better." And because she is so NOT in his league, she just says that she feels the same way. WAH WAAAAAH.

So yeah, I didn't love this episode. Guess I'll just have to comfort myself with this photo.

Helloooo gorgeous!

So, is anyone else sick of Jenna? Also, do we need to lead a search party for Ming? Leave your rants/raves/predictions in the comments!