Follow along the whole rewatch here!

Previously, on Veronica Mars...

We're taking a break from last week's comment discussion of characters of questionable likeability, because this rewatch is all about Neptune's greatest natural resource: shitty parents! All except for Keith and, like, one other dude in this set of episodes. Let's do it!

THE OFFICIAL FYA VERONICA MARS DRINKING GAME

Take a drink every time:

•  Someone says "Veronica Mars", even when they know full well who she is and there's no other Veronica in all of Neptune

•  Veronica uses her camera

•  Mars family members hug (Backup counts!)

•  Backup appears (take an extra drink when Backup gets recast)

•  Someone mentions the 90909 zip code or '09ers

•  Someone uses a disguise/alias/fake voice

•  A character, initially introduced as good, turns out to be a baddie (or vice versa)

•  Fisticuffs occur

•  Veronica has a meeting in a bathroom

•  Logan's voicemail greeting is heard

•  A Taser is used

•   Veronica mentions ponies or unicorns

•   The communal argyle shirt appears

• Season 2 specific: Someone says "bus crash"

Onto the episodes!

MARS INVESTIGATIONS, CASE 2x06: "Rat Saw God"

Remember Abel Koontz? You know -- convicted not-murderer Abel Koontz, whose daughter Amelia took hush money from the Kanes (and gave me a reason to link back to that rewatch). Abel's health has worsened, and he just wants to see Amelia one last time before he dies. Veronica's investigation has her crossing paths again with head of security for Kane Software, Clarence Wiedman.

(Real talk: Is Clarence Wiedman kind of hot? He totally is, right? That sexy voice and his extreme proficiency at his job... Just have to overlook that whole trained ruthless killer part, I mean.)

ANYHOO. Amelia has been murdered, but not before she extorted more money from the Kanes. A badly photoshopped picture reveals that Amelia's Argentinian son-of-a-diplomat boyfriend is behind it all, in a detail that's not really important nor explained particularly well (other than, "YUP! He dunnit."). All you really need to know is that Clarence Wiedman is taking care of it, while Veronica visits Abel on his deathbed and tells him a comforting lie that Amelia is well and on her way.

How many Trips to the Dentist did I take? (drink count) 9

Greasers vs. Socs + Jets vs. Sharks:

The eyewitness from the bridge on the night of Felix's murder has come forward. Except it's a totally different guy, but Logan gets arrested for Felix's murder again. Is it only double jeopardy when it's in an Ashley Judd movie it goes to trial? (Meh, don't care.)

Logan ends up jailed with Aaron, who's between prison cells at the moment. Daddy Dearest is feigning innocence -- hey, that kid with epilespy totally killed his sister! -- but Logan ain't buying it, on account of Aaron's record of trying to murder Logan's girlfriends.

On top of their rep taking a hit of late, the PCHers are PISSED when Logan makes bail. And wouldn't you know it, the Echolls McMansion goes up in flames shortly afterwards. There's a lot of trash talk (and MAN, was Hot Connor right about Logan needing to cool it with the racist jabs*), which leads to Logan buying Weevil's house and evicting the Navarro family. 

* What about the girl that they were both in love with? Or how Weevil's grandmother had been the Echolls' housekeeper for a decade? You'd think that these two would have more creative insults. 

File Under the Bus Crash:

The bus wreckage has finally been recovered, but when Keith calls Lamb out for the lack of progress in the case, Lamb is all "You're just mad because I won Sheriff! Stop being such a sore loser!" and totally spills the beans about Veronica's name being on the dead Curly's hand (which puts Keith in super protective papa mode again, interrogating Aaron about his connection to Curly). Keith breaks into the holding facility for the bus, and finds a rat taped to the bottom of a seat -- aka the source of the stench that prompted the '09ers to take Dick's limo home (not a euphemism).

Life on Mars:

So yeah, Keith lost a close race for Sheriff because he'd rather lose with honour. Woody Goodman is the new mayor, because Steve Guttenberg needs to stick around for his storyline to play out.

Meanwhile, Logan and Dick bond over having boners for each other's moms and mom-types. Newly homeless Logan also moves into Duncan's place at the Neptune Grand, because what was so wrong with the suite next door in which he had sexed Kendall? Oh, right -- wacky hijinks like this wouldn't ensue (drink!):

MVP (Most Marshmallow's Valuable Player): Cliff

I was really tempted to choose Clarence Wiedman, but Cliff is just magic. He really is the best mediocre attorney that a court can appoint.

Best Reminder That It's 2005 (That Hasn't Been Replaced by Something a Smartphone Can Do):

Wow, the VM writers really don't like Tara Reid, do they? Because she gets slammed again for no other reason than being an easy target. Her life choices haven't affected anyone but herself and, like, Carson Daly, right? Am I missing something? Leave Tara alone! (Also overheard on Buffy... )

Another outdated reference: Amelia having a Palm Pilot. And I'll spare you from the obvious joke for Logan wanting to be in an Olsen twin sandwich, because we're all thinking it, even though it's not particularly nice, and let's just move on.

And the Snark Award Goes To...:  Logan

I'd really like to just bottle up the banter between Cliff and Logan, but this moment is much more GIF-able.

Neptune Cameo:

Joss Whedon as Douglas, the car rental employee of the month

OH HAI -- look who it is, on the day that his newest venture premieres! His characer works with one of the few America's Next Top Models that I can still recognize.

Song for a Spy's Soundtrack: "Girl on the Bus" by Kissinger

Not a lot of choice, since the site I'm using only identifies one song for this ep. And that one song is requiring more than 5 minutes to find, so I give up. 

MARS INVESTIGATIONS, CASE 2x07: "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner"

Duncan's been skipping school because no one wants him there he finally went through Meg's emails and learned that one of her babysitting charges is being mentally abused. (I'll tell you right now, that shit would not have flown in Stoneybrook.) Apparently, Neptune is full of psycho kids and pervy dads, but none of the boys Meg babysat fit the bill. That's because Meg lied to protect the child's identity -- it's actually her youngest sister, gasp. When Veronica and Duncan find the littlest Manning locked literally in a hole in the wall and with stacks of incriminating admonishment notebooks, Mr. Manning calls the Sheriff on them, on account of all the breaking and entering they did to discover said child abuse. Mr. Manning is also a real gentleman, adamantly proclaiming that Veronica is a "filthy, lying whore". Thankfully, even Lamb -- a former victim of chlid abuse himself -- can see through the bullshizz. He intimidates Manning from ever pulling that crap off again. (Yay for actual-but-not-really police work!)

How many Trips to the Dentist did I take? (drink count) 5

Greasers vs. Socs + Jets vs. Sharks:

Logan needs Veronica's help, and a bathroom meeting (drink!) has him feeling nostalgic. (US TOO, LOGAN.) He wants to know who's posing as the eyewitness on the night of the bridge fight. The mystery man: Dr. Tom Griffith, respectable plastic surgeon... who has ties to a known drug dealing front. OK, not so respectable anymore!

Elsewhere, newly elected Balboa County Supervisor Woody Goodman wants to incorporate the county into a city -- one that conspicuously only includes the wealthy districts. Because that won't exacerbate the inequality problems AT ALL. I swear, some of these storylines could be a pre-recession/Occupy reminder all on their own.

File Under the Bus Crash:

Sigh, I hate myself already for this immature innuendo: Keith presses hard on Woody for more info, but there are no new developments in the case. (Aren't you glad that Woody doesn't have more scenes with Dick and Beav?) In other news, Woody's red golf shirt reminds me of Tiger Woods' red shirt, and, of course, Ron Swanson's red shirt. And then now I'm associating Ron's reason for wearing red shirts with Woody and BLEH GROSS but I'm getting ahead of myself. 

Life on Mars:

So blah blah blah, Veronica and Duncan are still dating, even though she'd rather quote along to The Big Lebowski than make out with him. SO WOULD WE ALL. Esp. since the movie would be a better distraction from ICK Kendall and Logan still boning in the next room. 

But alas, Klogall -- coincidentally, the gagging sound I make when I think about this relationship (or the name of a Kardashian spawn, whichevs) -- is not long for this world. With Big Dick on the lam*, Kendall's effectively cut off and looking for a new sugar daddy. Er, sugar son? In any case, it's all gross, and Logan sees through her transparent attempt. And sigh, he's kind of gross about it, too. 

* Yes, I wanted to add a 'b' to the end of that, for slashfic undertones to that sentence.

Honestly, they're pretty terrible here. But at least they're both upfront about disgusting...? Anyway, GLAD THAT'S OVER. Before she leaves, Kendall totally tries her luck across the suite -- naked in Duncan's bathroom, obvs. But it's unclear what -- or who? -- went down. 

Over at Neptune High, Veronica's jostling with Beaver for the top spot in the Future Business Leaders of America stock market game. (And, really, I just wanted to use 'jostle' today.) She's also getting along with new girl Gia -- mostly for investigative purposes, since Meg had babysat for the Goodmans -- but Veronica bolts when Gia turns a hang into an ambush girls' night, with Madison Sinclair in attendance and crashed by the Casablancas bros.

And during the B&E at the Mannings', Duncan secretly pocketed an envelope that Meg hid. Omg what could it all mean!?

MVP (Most Marshmallow's Valuable Player): Um...? 

By process of elimination, I guess it's Lamb? Or how about The Dude? Can I pick The Dude? (Since I make the rules: the answer is YES.)

Best Reminder That It's 2005 (That Hasn't Been Replaced by Something a Smartphone Can Do):

Rihanna's "Pon de Replay" is the go-to sleepover jam at Gia's. Wait, just exactly how many songs does Rihanna have for giving instructions to DJs? 

And the Snark Award Goes To...: Veronica

In sex ed, when Gia is wondering if the name of an STD is actually a flower: 

Mrs. Hauser:  No, Gia. Chlamydia is not a flower.

Gia:  Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.

Veronica:  Your trellis is a whore.

Trufax: I once overheard a convo with someone whose name is actually Chlamydia. I can only hope that the name is less common than the disease.

Plus! When Veronica has to cover for a prohibited visitor during one of her babysitting gigs: 

Neptune Cameo:

No one new, really. But back when I still watched Dexter (and it sounds like I made a great decision in quitting early), Dr. Griffifth played Elliot the neighbour that macked on Rita.

Song for a Spy's Soundtrack: "Run" by Air

MARS INVESTIGATIONS, CASE 2x08: "Ahoy, Mateys!"

The parents of bus crash victim Marcos Oliveres have been getting harrassed for months, and they want Keith to prove that the school district is doing it to get the Oliveres to drop their neglience lawsuit. The investigation incidentally uncovered Marcos' pirate radio alter ego -- and his gay alter ego, which prompted his parents to send him to conversion camp. Marcos' sort-of boyfriend pranked the Oliveres because he blames them for Marcos going on the field trip in the first place, in order to win back the parents' approval. While that sounds shit show HORRIFIC -- to bury a child and then get mercilessly harrassed about it -- the Oliveres also try to scam more money out of the school board.

How many Trips to the Dentist did I take? (drink count) 10

Greasers vs. Socs + Jets vs. Sharks:

Veronica and Logan look into one of Dr. Griffith's former patients, who they find at the Fighting Fitzpatricks hangout, The River Stix. (There's also a callback to the JTT punch -- you know, this episode? STOP RUBBING IT IN, SHOW.) Veronica is in trubs when her real identity is discovered by Liam Fitzpatrick -- in case you hadn't clued in on that Irish part yet. Logan comes to her aid, by pulling out a freaking gun. (Really? None of these Fighting Fitzpatricks carry a concealed firearm? Not even a shotgun behind the bar? And who says there's a crime problem in Neptune?)

Meanwhile! Weevil gets wind of cocaine being sold by a PCHer, but that's sooooo not what the PCHers are about, you guys! (See? The most non-criminal criminal element.) When Veronica accuses the PCHers of being in bed with the Fitzpatricks*, since their lackey is the star witness in Felix's case, Weevil becomes more suspicous of someone undermining his au-thor-i-tah.

* Their bitter enemies, because... why? Just criminal turf wars? Because a group of grown men against teenage bikers sounds like the makings of a great rivalry. Esp. one that hasn't been mentioned at all until this season. 

Weevil also learns that none of his boys actually saw Logan stab Felix, but he vows to find out the truth. (Clearly been hanging out too much with Veronica.) So then Logan gets abducted and interrogated, while his kidnappers play (hopefully fake) Russian roulette with Logan's hand and genitals. (Omg he needs those, you guys! Especially together, since he's stopped hooking up with Kendall.) When Logan confesses that he doesn't remember anything, he gets dumped off on a beach, miraculously complying with his ankle monitor throughout the entire ordeal. Logan also figures out that the PCHers were behind it, and he lets Weevil know that there'll be hell to pay. 

File Under the Bus Crash:

See: all that stuff about Marcos. 

Life on Mars:

UGH Duncan has Madonna/Whore dreams about Meg and Veronica, because of course he does. And Veronica is really shaken over the River Stix incident, but not because her own life was in danger:

OMG YOU LOVE EACH OTHER, JUST GET BACK TOGETHER ALREADY. (Although rationally speaking, I can see why Veronica wants to distance herself from Logan, because that road only leads to heartache and stress. But things will totally be different at the reunion -- right, Logan? RIGHT?!)

Oh, right. Duncan finally opens that letter of Meg's, because all TV characters have difficulties with opening envelopes in a timely manner. He's all surprised face before cut to black.

MVP (Most Marshmallow's Valuable Player): Logan

Usually, I'd give this to Mac just for appearing, on account of duh. But yeah, this is a pity pick. Even if it's a well earned pity pick, since the dude did get his life threatened, and he did rescue Veronica. 

Best Reminder That It's 2005 (That Hasn't Been Replaced by Something a Smartphone Can Do):

No major violations. And I don't want to get too soapbox-y, but I wish I could pick gay-to-straight camps as the episode's archaic reference.

And the Snark Award Goes To...: ? 

Nothing really stood out to me. Maybe the running joke about Veronica's boobs?  

Neptune Cameo:

Lucas Grabreel as '09er who overpays for shirts and probably drugs, too

You know, I was about to make a High School Musical joke -- specifically about Troy, since that's like the only characters I know. But then the recent Zac Efron news made me reconsider. (Dammit, life -- why won't you let me make my tasteless jokes!? Don't anyone ruin Dick puns for me!)

Song for a Spy's Soundtrack: "Dakota" by Stereophonics

I love Queens of the Stone Age, but this has a video. With green screen driving.

That's it for this week, Marshmallows! Next up is "My Mother, the Fiend", "One Angry Veronica", and "Donut Run" -- so YEAH. We're gonna have A LOT to Disqus. 

But back to this rewatch: it reeeaally highlighted Veronica's lack of friends to me. Wallace's presence provided a much-needed counterbalance to all the MYSTERIES! BOYS! dramz. Plus, Keith barely interacts with Veronica during this stretch. It's like the show's trying too hard to maintain Veronica's outsider status, and it ends up straying too far from what made it so enjoyable in the first place. Did you have an issue with Veronica's isolation too? Or did you like these episodes more than I did?

Meredith is off being Fantastic this week, so I’m here to bring you the latest news that is fit to post in the YA Movie News Roundup. Let’s begin, shall we?

Two new Divergent posters were released yesterday. The one with Four is above (obvs); the one with Tris is below. They both showcase those tattoos nicely, don’t you think?

The Fault in Our Stars is gettin’ social: The movie now has an official presence on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr. And do check out this fun “Question Tuesday” interview on the FiOS set with John Green and Nat Wolff, who plays Isaac:

Here’s our first glimpse at Julianne Moore in costume as District 13 President Alma Coin in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay. In other Mockingjay news, Broadway star Patina Miller has been cast as District 8’s Commander Paylor, Wes Chatham (The Help) and Elden Henson (D2: The Mighty Ducks!) have been cast as Castor and Pollux—Katniss’s District 13 filmmakers—respectively, and Mahershala Ali (House of Cards) has been cast as Boggs, President Coin’s right-hand man/Katniss' bodyguard.

Related: Here’s a look at a new Catching Fire billboard. (It kinda just looks like a whole bunch of posters jammed together to me, but I suppose if they’re going for a guerilla marketing feel, it works.) And here’s a new still of Philip Seymour Hoffman looking quite dour as Plutarch Heavensbee.

Marketing for Vampire Academy is ramping up, and you can keep up with all the St. Vladimir’s gossip by following the school’s gossip blog, GUSH. I couldn’t help but snort at this post, featuring this image:

I mean, really. (Am I the only one feeling the déjà vu?)

An official first look at Lily James (Downton Abbey, Secret Diary of a Call Girl) as Cinderella in the new Kenneth Branagh film of the same name has been released along with the movie’s official synopsis.

And that's it for this edition. Did I miss anything spicy? What do y’all think of Four’s *ahem* tattoos? Let us know in the comments!

BOOK REPORT for Inheritance (Adaptation Book 2) by Malinda Lo

Cover Story: Is There Something Different About You?
BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 5
Talky Talk: Abracadabra
Bonus Factors: Aliens, Internet Backlash, Love Triangle
Relationship Status: We Graduated!

This sequel to Adaptation really delivered. Check out the rest of my review over at our series on Kirkus!

Follow along the whole rewatch here!

Last week, on Gilmore Girls...

Say hi again to our old pal Mandy J! She's helping me out while I'm out of town and, as you can see, she's got it pretty well wired. -Meredith

I’m back, gang, and just in time! Rory is bidding farewell to Chilton, and we get to watch, albeit through happy tears. More on that later.

First things first. Let’s review the drinking game rules:

The Gilmore Girls Drinking Game Rules

Drink once every time:

Lorelai or Rory drinks coffee.

Emily gets flustered by Lorelai's bizarre sense of humor.

Sookie is controlling about food.

Paris is controlling about anything.

Michel snubs a customer.

Luke is crotchety.

Taylor has an absurd scheme for Stars Hollow.

The girls acquire massive amounts of food and then fail to take even one bite.

Drink twice every time:

Kirk has a new job.

You see a town troubadour.

Emily gets a new maid.

On to the finale!

2.16 “Those Are String, Pinocchio”

Lorelai and Rory stumble into Luke’s, nearly crushing themselves under the weight of their backpacks for Europe.  This trip is already going badly, and it hasn’t even begun! They collapse into chairs at Luke’s and take a break. Luke comes over to them just in time to see Lorelai taking her shoes off.  I know you’re friends, Lor, but it IS a restaurant!

Apparently, her agony is short-lived, as she and Sookie stand outside of the Dragonfly seemingly hours later, anxiously awaiting Luke’s appraisal of the condition of it. They’re ready for the worst, but aside from some minor issues, Luke gives the purchase his approval!

As we head back to Chilton, the seniors are taking their turns filming their goodbyes for the senior video. This scene actually has little to do with the rest of the episode, but I mention it because Paris calls the girl yammering on about how she’ll miss the janitors “marooned,” and I just love old timey slang!  Let’s all make it a point to bring this word back, k?

The deafening sound of crickets emanates from the Independence Inn. They have a total of  ONE, count him, ONE guest. Sookie is bored because she has no one to cook for, Michel is grossed out to touch his towels and Lorelai just tries to reassure them that the Inn isn’t closing.

She’s saying it to reassure herself just as much, though. In fact, when the owner’s son finally stops showing the “Armani posse” around, he confides that Mia is leaning toward selling. Heavy business, and the end of one of several eras for the Gilmore Girls!

Lorelai shows up with champers at Sookie and Jackson’s house, because, HOORAY! The Inn is closed, and they lost their jobs! Say what? Sookie and Jackson are as confused as the rest of us.

Lorelai is trying to “think positive,” especially because to top it all off, without her income, she can’t swing the loan for her part of the Dragonfly! Huzzah for challenges?

Lorelai tells Rory that she’s not buying the Inn because of money. Rory tells her to just use the money they got from Richard, but Lorelai tells her that because they didn’t get financial aid for Yale, she’s using Richard’s money for Rory’s tuition, instead. Not if Rory has anything to say about it!

In one of my favorite scenes of this entire season, Rory goes to Richard and Emily and asks them to give her the money for Yale. In exchange, she will pay them back after she graduates, and she will reinstate Friday night dinners. They hardly seem to care about how/if they are paid back, but look at their faces when they hear about Friday night dinners!

With that settled, it’s graduation day! Remember those tears of happiness I told you about? It’s time for Rory’s valedictorian speech.

In the MULTITUDE of times I’ve watched this episode, in every mood from deliriously overjoyed to decidedly meh to despondently depressed, Rory’s graduation speech never ceases to make me cry. I can’t recap it properly using words, so I present the clip to you, for your repeated watching “pleasure.” (By “pleasure,” I mean crying for sport.)

I mean, even RICHARD mists up! As we all (Lorelai included) wipe our eyes, Rory and Lorelai take one last look at Chilton, and remark, “It’s not so scary anymore.” It certainly is not. Farewell, Chilton! We’ll think of you fondly at Yale.

How many times do I have to drink? 

11.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?  

I’m beginning to wonder if Meredith has me recap the decaffeinated episodes on purpose. NO COFFEE AT ALL!

Flirtation quota:  

Luke tells the girls that he’s taking Nicole on a cruise. Lorelai gets snippy, which I am counting as flirty because JEALOUS! To top it all off, Luke has a dream where Lorelai asks him not to propose on the cruise! Carry the one, do the math, and figure out that you should get together already, you two!

Also, Rory KIND OF flirts with Jess when he calls after her graduation and refuses to talk. She knows it’s him, though, and does all the talking, admitting she probably loved him, but he STILL says nothing and just lets her hang up. Oh, that GUY!

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

One of my favorite recurring subplots crops up again, when Nanny and her kids come to watch Paris graduate. While complimenting the children on how wonderful they look, Paris tells Nanny’s son something in Portuguese, in a complimentary tone about his appearance, ending with “Antonio Banderas.”  Muy guapo! (Or, whatever the Portuguese equivalent of that phrase is.)

Sookie’s best dish of the episode:  

Thanks to the fire, Sookie has no one to cook for…and the world just became a darker place!

Lorelai’s craziest outfit: 

Oh, boy! This dress could be seen from space. Take off your glasses, Richard. Best not to see it too clearly.

Kirk insanity:  

Ask Kirk about Ed McMahon’s dog and his tragic exposure to mold. Apparently, he’s a mold inspector now! Also, he runs away from a mouse, but that’s not insanity. That’s just good, sound thinking!

Michel madness:

Michel rants about how he pulled towel duty, and when there’s only one guest, he knows that they’re HIS mites on the towels, and how he should’ve been a dancer. Ew, Michel! Just…ew! About the mites AND the visual of Michel in tights.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

Lorelai, when Jackson suggests Creedence Clearwater Revival for happy music when they “celebrate” the Inn closing: “Right energy, too hillbilly.”

Random observation:

So, a couple of thoughts on Rory asking Richard and Emily for the Yale money. I think it was a hella classy move on her part. She knew that she could turn to them, but also came up with mature and reasonable terms under which she promised to pay them back. Her willingness to be humble enough to ask for help so that both her dream AND Lorelai’s could come true is just the coolest move she’s ever made, and I’m as proud of her for this idea as Richard and Emily are. Why does Lorelai have to throw such a tantrum when Rory tells her, though? Does it hurt THAT MUCH to do Friday night dinners? Minor boo to you, Lor…

Also, boo to not getting Christopher back in town for this episode! He really should’ve been at Rory’s graduation.

--

So that's it! Meet Meredith back here next Wednesday morning as she takes on Season 4 with the eps "Ballrooms and Biscotti," "The Lorelais' First Day at Yale" and "The Hobbit, The Sofa and Digger Stiles." 

And I leave you with a question, dear FYA readers: what's your favorite episode of Season 3?

Welcome back to our series of the best* new shows of the fall season. We’re here to help you determine which series you might want to record all season long, what you can save for On Demand weekend marathons and what to not even bother with. We hope you’ll join in the fun.

*This might be a bit subjective on our parts, but whatevs.

(Warning! Possible spoilers ahead.)

Hostages

Premiered: Sept. 23 on CBS (Watch it online.)

Elevator Pitch

So, one word titles are totally "in" right now, and sometimes it seems like studio execs just go through a very long list of words, pick the one they think will draw the most intrigue/awe/suspense/ratings, and THEN form a show around it. So, for instance, planning for Hostages could have gone a little like this:

Inside Studio Exec's head: Hostages—now that's a terrifying word. And since people obviously love to be scared, that'll get them to watch! But since we are CBS (the most watched network), we need to make it relatable. What's relatable? I know, a family. But why would anyone care about just any family … this family has to be special. But not the dad, that's too obvious, he should be a little dead weight. It should be the mom! (Didn't I hear Toni Collette was looking to do TV since they stupidly didn't cast her in the TV version of About a Boy?) Since the mom is special, they can't take her hostage, it's got to be the family and she has to save them. Is she a female Jack Bauer? No, I like Toni, but she's no Kiefer. I know! She's a doctor about to operate on the president and the bad guys are going to force her to kill him or they'll kill her family. This is brilliant! However, still much too simple. What if the head bad guy (who has to be good looking because this is still about ratings) has some sort of good intention, like his family is also being held hostage? Oh, and even better, what if he works for the government. Not CTU, way too obvious, but how about the guy who comes out when the police have to deal with a hostage situation? (No one will see this coming!) And then, of course, everyone in the family needs a secret the audience can relate to. The husband is having an affair? The perfect son is really—gasp—not perfect? The daughter is—wait for it—pregnant!? But the real icing on the cake, will be when the hostagers (as opposed to kidnappers?) start helping the family cover up their secrets out of the goodness of their hearts because that's what complicated, bad guys with souls, do.

And there's a dog.

Familiar Faces

Toni Collette as Dr. Ellen Sanders

Dylan McDermott as Agent Duncan Carlisle

Tate Donovan as Brian Sanders

Sandrine Holt as Maria Gonzales

Rhys Coiro as Kramer Daly

Billy Brown as Archer Petit

Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio as the First Lady

Redeeming Qualities

Emily: If I'm ever going to be taken hostage, fingers crossed he looks like Dylan McDermott. Not that it's all about the hot guy, but this hot guy has a daughter that he's totally googley over, and it seems like—spoiler alert—SHE'S BEING HELD HOSTAGE, TOO! Well, kind of. So, the question is … who really is the bad guy? I like a show where it's not so cut and dry from the beginning. Also, so far, no characters annoy me. That's a pretty big feat, especially in the pilot.

Mandy: I enjoy the fact that I’m not entirely sure what’s going on behind the main plot to kill the president. I thought I knew what was going on at one point, but then the end left me questioning all I thought I knew. I also like that no one is what they seem—everyone has secrets—and Toni Collette is just a badass in everything she does. That look she gives the camera at the end of the episode? Ice. Cold.

It's Not Me, It's You

Emily: The daughter's pregnant? Really? Is there a twist these days where the daughter's not pregnant (or at least a pregnancy scare)? And excuse me, we don't even pretend to kill a dog. I almost stopped watching at that moment. I know we're going to lose some characters along this journey but cute animals and kids are off limits. I think some of the family secrets might borderline lame, and I don't think Jimmy Cooper would ever have told his wife to kill the president in order to keep his affair a secret. I can suspend belief like the rest of the world, but come on!

Mandy: I talked about this in our original Fall TV: Fresh Meat post, but I’m worried about how this show will translate (or will attempt to translate) to more than one season. I heard an ad on the radio that said the show was only going to be 15 episodes, which makes me feel better, but then I found this article in which Jerry Bruckheimer (Hostages producer) says he wants two seasons or more. I mean, yes, grain of salt #becauseBruckheimer, but … how?

Let's Do This Again

Emily: I'm all in (at least for the moment). While the show wasn't quite as "thriller-like" as I thought it was going to be, I'm always on board with "everyone's got a dark secret." I feel a potential Homeland/ 24/even Prison Break-style wild ride about to begin. I don't know that Hostages will hold up to those shows (because they are AMAZING), but I think there are a plethora of twists and turns to come. Bottom line, though, even if I was on the fence, Toni Collette's final stare into the camera hooked me in. Guys, she is planning something MAJOR, and I have a feeling it'll be awesome!

Mandy: Hostages isn’t my normal fare, but I’ll admit that I am interested to see where the plot takes us. Toni Collette is a big draw for me, and, to reiterate, there’s more going on than meets the eye. I don’t think I’ll be running to the TV every Monday night to catch this one, but there will definitely be some weekend catching-up.

What did you think? Let us know in the comments!

Is everyone you know getting married this year? Well, add me to your list as well (sorry!). In preparation for the Big Day this December, I have been feverishly blissfully handcrafting all the centerpieces for our reception. I am making flowers out of felt, and am going to show you how you can do it too! After all, felt never withers up and dies like a real flower, now does it? Plus, a felt flower is a great way to brighten up any room, it's not just for weddings!

Here's a list of supplies you will need to craft along with me:

Felt (so many colors, and so cheap!)

Scissors

Rotary blade and Cutting mat (if you have them already; if not, no big deal, stick to scissors)

Needle and thread (I recommend hand-sewing thread- it's thicker and won't break as easily)

Cute buttons

Got everything? Let's get started!

Basically, we are going to cut our felt into long rectangles, about 12 inches long (or, the width of your little sheet of felt), and 3-4 inches tall.

If you have a fancy rotary blade, you can make your edges look really fun! If not, using your scissors to cut nice straight lines is just as good.

We are also going to cut the top of some of our rectangles with little humps. These can be rounded or pointy (I do both). These are the petals of your flower, so give them whatever shape you like best!

Here's where we get to hand-sewing. I'm normally not a fan of sewing anything by hand. It seems to just come undone eventually! That's why I really recommend hand-sewing thread. It should be marked as such as your local craft store. Also, it should feel thicker to the touch than regular ol' thread. It will make your stiches more sturdy and your project won't fall apart (fingers crossed).

Double up your thread on the needle and make a knot at the end where the two ends meet. We are going to do a simple up and down sewing across the bottom (non-cut) part of our rectangle.

If you pull your thread tight, the rectangle will start to pucker up and look more like a flower!

Secure the felt the way you like it by sewing the two ends together (make it as puckered or non-puckered as you want). Now we are going to add on our other ractangle we cut earlier. This guy is going to go on the back.

You will need to keep an eye on the front of the flower to see where you want to place our fun and funky petals on the back. Also, you will probably need to do some folding of the back petals to make them fit with the shape of our front petals. Stitch everything into place. It shouldn't look pretty: it's the back, after all.

Once we have our back petals secure, we bring the needle up through the middle. Now it's time to add something cute to the front!

As you can see, I save all my little scraps from cutting out the petal shape. I layer these in the middle of the flower before adding my center button.

If you want to stop here, you totally can, but I wanted to add a little more fun to this guy. If you have embroidery thread around, use it to jazz up the edges of your flower, like so:

Now you can show off your little felt flower; affix him to you your hair pins, a tote bag, or a hat! Mine will be glued to sticks & put in glass vases. I am looking forward to seeing this project come together for you and for me!

Title: Bachelorette
Year: 2012
Fix: Dark Comedies about Horrible People

Netflix Summary:

When a single overachiever learns, to her horror, that an overweight girl she teased in high school is getting married before her, she swallows her pride and serves as maid of honor, enlisting her old clique to help through an evening of mishaps.

FYA Summary:

Imagine three of the most heinous people you knew in high school.  Now picture them 10 years later, bitter and disappointed with where their lives did (or didn't) end up going.  Invite them to your wedding as bridesmaids.  And give them a bunch of coke.  Pretty much the worst idea ever, yeah?  But a pretty good setup for a movie about some really fucked up and terrible people.

Familiar Faces:

Kirsten Dunst as Regan

Kirsten plays an perfectionist whose life hasn’t quite panned out like she’d expected.  She feels strongly that she’s the one who “deserves” to be getting married.  And this isn’t the delightful, bubbly Kiki I’m used to from her teen movie years.  She is pretty much the queen bitch of her crew and it’s not a stretch when another character refers to her as “Hannibal.”

Rebel Wilson as Becky

Rebel Wilson plays Becky, who was the girl’s fat friend and resident toadie during high school.  Now she’s got a great fiance and is the one who has really got her shit together.  Unfortunately, this character doesn’t really leave room for the normal hilarity and flair we’ve come to expect from Rebel in movies.

Lizzy Caplan as Gena and Adam Scott as Clyde

Party Down fans will be delighted to see Lizzy and Adam reunite in this movie.  And then promptly be disappointed because their characters are awful people.

Isla Fisher as Katie and Andrew Rannells as Manny

Isla plays Katie, who is the financially unstable, ditsy partygirl.  Andrew doesn’t really have a large role, but he plays Katie’s co-cowker/an amateur stripper and is pretty much delightful as he is in every role he plays.

James Marsden as Trevor

James plays an unrepentant and repulsive douchesaurus/misogynist.  (And this isn’t some Hangover type shit where he’s one of the “heroes.”  The audience is clearly meant to find him repulsive.)  Which is kind of wonderful after seeing him play the perfect nice guy who gets dumped for someone else over and over.

Couch-Sharing Capability: Medium

This definitely isn’t a party movie, but a good fit for a small group of friends.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: Low

Watching these characters is going to make you want to stay away from any and all mind altering substances.

Use of Your Netflix Subscription: Hit or Miss

This is definitely the kind of movie that is not going to be everyone’s cup of tea.  Personally, I enjoyed it because every once and awhile I’m interested in seeing some pretty irredeemable female characters.  And this movie really shows the ugly side of the power dynamics that can exist in female relationships (especially those that date back to high school.)  Chances are, if you liked Diablo Cody’s Young Adult, then you’ll get a kick out of this one too.

It's time for another edition of our series on the best new shows of the fall season. We’re here to help you determine what’s worthy of a season pass, what’s OK to watch later On Demand, or what’s so bad you’ll need to retcon yourself in order to forget it. We hope you’ll join us!

(Warning! Possible spoilers ahead.)

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Premiered: Sept. 24 on ABC (Watch it online.)

Elevator Pitch

Marvel’s slowly taking over the world, and it was only a matter of time before they edged their way onto the small screen. The pitch for this show probably went a little something like this:

May 2012. Two studio execs sit in an office in a high rise somewhere in downtown L.A.

Exec. 1: So, The Avengers comes out today, right? I’m thinking we might want to get a piece of that action.

Exec. 2: Superheroes on TV? It’s been done.

Exec. 1: Yes, but—

The man is interrupted by the sound of a million wailing voices crying out “COOOOUUUULLLSSSOOOONNNN!” The men leap from their seats.

Exec. 2: What was that?!

Exec. 1 (who is actually a closet fanboy and totally saw the midnight premiere of the movie the night before): Um, there’s this character that supposedly dies in the movie and he was really loved and, well, it’s Joss Whedon, so it’s not surprising, but …

Exec. 2: What kind of superhero is he?

Exec. 1: Well, he’s not a superhero, exactly. He’s, uh, kind of their keeper? But he’s a total badass and he’s got a great sense of humor.

Exec. 2: So, he’s a suit? But he’s a badass and beloved by fans? I like it. The man subconsciously smoothes the front of his custom Italian suit.

Exec. 1 (who is, at this point, barely containing his excitement): We could bring the character back under mysterious circumstances and give him a team to oversee. There would be hints of superhero stuff, but we could save money by just making references rather than actually bringing in any of the big names. There could be guest appearances, sure, but with all the other movies being made …

Exec. 2 (who stopped listening at “save money”): Get Joss on the phone. That guy’s always available.

Familiar Faces

(In order of appearance.)

J. August Richards as Mike Peterson

Shannon Lucio as the mysterious “doctor”

Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill

Clark Gregg as Agent Phil Coulson

Ron Glass as Dr. Streiten

Ming-Na Wen as Melinda May

Faces That Will Become Familiar (If You Keep Watching)

Chloe Bennet as Skye

Brett Dalton as Grant Ward

Iain De Caestecker as Leo Fitz

Elizabeth Henstridge as Jemma Simmons

Redeeming Qualities

Emily: Joss Whedon. I don't really need to say more, but I will. Honestly, I really had no idea what this show was about. I saw The Avengers when it came out (and loved it), and figured Joss Whedon doing a show based on the movie starring Jennifer Grey's husband … OK, I'll try it out. And I felt like I was watching the movie. It's bright and fun and the cast is quirky yet charming. I loved that Gunn was the first major guest star and figure an array of people from Whedon-verse will be making appearances throughout the season. I also really enjoy that the people we are going to follow week-to-week are not the superheroes. They're the brains behind them. I feel like it's a new spin on the genre and, honestly, quite refreshing.

Mandy: Let’s see. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. brings the Marvel universe and Agent Coulson to my living room every(ish) week. Sure, I own all of the Marvel: Phase 1 Blu-rays, but new Marvel? New Coulson? A TV series from the geniuses that are Joss and Jed Whedon and Maurissa Tancharoen? Chrismukkah has come early this year, you guys! A particular favorite moment of the first episode: Coulson talking about Maria Hill’s drawing of “a little poop with knives stuck in it.” Oh! And the funny quip about the cosplay girls hanging around outside of Stark Tower. And Shepherd Book Ron Glass being a S.H.I.E.L.D. doctor. And the comment Maria makes about Thor’s arms. And ...

It's Not Me, It's You

Emily: Pilots are rough. They're getting better over the years, but there's a lot to try to fit into a small amount of time, and in 42ish minutes S.H.I.E.L.D. was trying to remind you/tell you what happened in The Avengers, introduce you to six main characters, and produce a storyline that can be tied up before the pilot ends. It was a big feat and there were moments I felt left out of being "in the know" or maybe was just confused by all the tech-speak. A few of the Whedon-esque one liners fell short, and the almost end montage where it showed a close up of each of the agents took it just a step too far towards cheese-ville.

Mandy: What’s with the shady secrets surrounding Coulson’s vacation to “Tahiti”? (Regardless of whether he actually did die in The Avengers, but was brought back as an android/is the Vision/a clone/a mass hallucination—I’m glad he’s back in action. That fact is enough for me to stick to my “Coulson Lives!” mantra.) Also: Ming-Na—You’re on notice. You better not ruin this for me.

Let's Do This Again

Emily: Duh. It's Joss Whedon doing what he does best every week. I enjoyed the characters, there's major room for some fun guest stars, and there is a Big Bad that I feel we're going to meet sometime soon. It's all the makings for a great show that I can invest in. I'm going to need a good star-crossed romance, I just can't tell exactly who that will be, yet. But I think Agent Coulson, Ward and Skye are strong leads. It's a dark and twisty TV world we live in these days, and I think this is just the fun I need to add to my weekly viewing roster. Plus, did I mention it's Joss Whedon? You should probably know he's my hero.

Mandy: There isn’t much about this show that I wasn’t looking forward to (other than the fact that Ming-Na has a starring role); I’d been waiting for it to premiere since last October when it was first announced. It didn’t quite live up to all my hopes and dreams, which were, admittedly, quite high—I have to come to terms with the fact that a TV show isn't going to be as action-packed and amazing as The Avengers—but it’s got a whole lot of potential. This one’s already set to record each week, but I’ll likely watch it as close to live as possible.

What did you think? Let us know in the comments!

Hey y'all! Nashville is back! I'm... glad?

Honestly, after the way the first season ended, my passion for the show has subsided to a slight flicker. But Connie Britton is my girl, and I'll stand by her side til this show gets canceled death do us part.

So! Let's talk about the Season Two premiere. Rather than summarize the entire episode, I'll hone in on a few salient points for discussion:

- Rayna in a coma, I know, I know, it's seeeeeriooouuus.

- It's so good to see Maddie (Lennon) and Daphne (Maisy). I MISSED YOU GIRLS!!!

- Scarlett refused Gunnar's marriage proposal! Smart girl.

- In case you were wondering, this show is still intent on making us hate Teddy. First, he ensures that Deacon stays in jail, and then he tells a pregnant Peggy, "I can't deal with this right now." UGH. TEDDY. You need to deal with MY FACEPUNCH.

- Juliette continues to straddle the fence between good and evil, and I love that about her. She includes oral sex in the job application for her new assistant, and she's mad at Rayna for being in a coma and therefore hurting her new album sales. NEVER CHANGE, JULIETTE. Never change.

- There's been a shake-up at Edge Hill records? Or something? Was this mentioned in the finale? Also, should we care?

- Gay Cowboy Will is still pretending to be straight. LE SIGH.

- Juliette and Maddie might become friends? Yeah, probably not.

- NEW NASHVILLE MUSIC! How soon til this hits Spotify?

Best Rayna James Line:

Thanks to that damn coma, Rayna only said, like, three lines in this episode, unless you count the flashbacks, and I was too busy being distracted by the heinous hair of Young Rayna to notice anything coming out of her mouth. Seriously, I can't believe they messed with Connie Britton's hair like that. Even if it was a wig, it still means they were defacing a national treasure, and that is a FELONY.

Rayna vs Juliette: (Who won?)

Well, Juliette wasn't in a coma, so she wins by default. She also leveraged Rayna's condition to her own advantage and sexually harassed a job applicant, but then she eventually offered to pay Deacon's bail, AND she shed AN ACTUAL TEAR over the loss of her mom (and Rayna's potential death). So yeah, I'm gonna let her have this one.

Best Scene:

When Rayna wakes up!!! Because Nashville would be absolutely unwatchable without her! And also, the girls were so happy and crying and then they made ME tear up and it looks like I've still got a bit of love left in my cold dead Juliette heart for this show.

Best Sub-plot:

Is it just me, or is it really fun to see Avery and Juliette play the pot and the kettle?

WTF:

- Ok, so after ALL of that Season One finale drama, Peggy miscarried?!!! What a cop out! In other news, why Is Peggy still on this show? Oh, that's right, to play the CRAZY PERSON who lies to everyone about still being pregnant!

- Why is this editing on this show still so abrupt and terrible? It's the second season, people! Let's get PROFESSIONAL.

- What was up with Juliette's dress at the concert? That shizz is only okay when Stephanie Seymour wears it in "November Rain."

- GUNNAR. Why would you burn a perfectly good couch?! First of all, those fumes canNOT be good for you. Second of all, that couch was really nice! Dumbass.

Burning Questions:

- Has Maddie quit wearing glasses for good? Because that makes me sad.

- Please tell me Deacon does not hook up with his lawyer. I WILL CUT SOMEONE IF THIS HAPPENS.

- Did Daddy Lamar really have something to do with his wife's death? And do the writers think we care about Daddy Lamar at all?

- Was anyone else remotely compelled by the montage of the upcoming season? I mean, "I think I've lost my voice"?!!! Really, show? REALLY?

Okay, that's enough from me. What did y'all think? Hit me up with your raves/rants/predictions in the comments!

BOOK REPORT for Mara by Veronica Bane

Cover Story: Graphic Novel Wallpaper
BFF Charm: Eventually
Swoonworthy Scale: 2
Talky Talk: And Now … The Weather
Bonus Factors: Superpowers, Diversity
Anti-bonus Factor: Cliffhanger
Relationship Status: Looking Glass

Cover Story: Graphic Novel Wallpaper

I love this cover. The hand-drawn people, the symmetry, the repeating flame pattern, the downplay of the title. Everything combined creates a really strong image.

The Deal:

Mara is insular, sullen and a tad bit broken. When she first moved to Jericho to live with her uncle after a fire destroyed her childhood home, Mara went a little wild, turning to alcohol and boys to take her mind off of things. When she realized it wasn’t working, she cut off ties and turned inward. Years later, at her uncle’s insistence, she goes to a party in an attempt to make friends, and instead finds herself protecting a boy she’s never met from bullies—by threatening them with fire she can conjure from thin air.

Miles soon takes to following Mara everywhere, and at first, she resents it. But soon, the two find out that Mara’s not the only one with a gift—and not everyone in their town wants the “unusuals” to keep living their normal lives.

BFF Charm: Eventually

Mara’s hard to like. She’s moody and rude and doesn’t much care for other people’s feelings. But she’s gone through some really horrible crap in her life, so I can understand the way she acts (to a certain extent). By the end of the novella, she’s opened up a little, and I can see that she could turn out pretty awesome, given time. Plus: Having a friend who can control fire would be awesome. (Although, yes, I would be quite jealous.)

Swoonworthy Scale: 2

Mara, like I said above, once turned to the company of the opposite sex as a means of escaping her past, but nothing about it is sexy, nor are the implications of near rape that come up when a certain additional character is introduced.

Miles is much more a grounding presence for Mara than any sort of love interest. He’s a sweet, geeky guy, who can hold his own in situations even without being an “unusual,” but being in the friendzone isn’t a bad place for him to be. (Mara’s currently way too messed up to be dating anyone.)

Talky Talk: And Now … The Weather

Mara is a strange, yet compelling, novella set in the near future. Or in an alternate reality. Or in the past, but in an alternate timeline. Or … You see, I’m not quite sure. People in Mara live in houses, go to school, party with their friends, and yet, there are certain things that differentiate these individuals from the people we have might call neighbors. For example, a large population of Jericho are “Natives.” It’s not clear whether these individuals are Native Americans, or just people who lived there “before.” These people are persecuted and treated like outcasts. And then there’s Mara and her fellow “unusuals.” As far as I know, people like her don’t exist. (But could?)

Author Veronica Bane has a unique voice; the story feels very real and gritty, and yet there’s a strange “unsaid” element about the world’s she’s created. (Specifically, it made me think of the Welcome to Night Vale podcast and the sinister feeling that comes with those seemingly innocent news stories.)

Bonus Factor: Superpowers

The “Unusuals” in Mara can control the elements; Mara controls fire and other characters control water, rocks, the earth, wind and lightning. Heck yes.

Bonus Factor: Diversity

In addition to the “Natives,” there are a variety of other POCs living in Jericho, including Miyuki, who is half-Japanese.

Anti-bonus Factor: Cliffhanger

Mara is a novella, so I knew that it would be short—but the story was left wide-open at the end. And not wide-open in a “happily ever after” kind of way, but in a “What do you mean that’s it? That’s not fair!” kind of way. I am left wanting more. (And as far as I know, there’s no sequel in the works.)

Casting Call:

Malese Jow as Mara

Mara is described as having dark hair streaked with red. Thank you, Internet, for providing such a perfect photo.

Liam Aiken as Miles

Gilmore Girls-era Keiko Agena as Miyuki

Ryan Cunningham as Chris

Gus Carr as Alex

Relationship Status: Looking Glass

You came into my life, Book, like a flash … and then you were gone. You gave me a glimpse into a world not unlike my own, but yet totally and intriguingly different. I wish we could have spent more time together, but I understand that you need to do go your own thing. I wish you well.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a free review copy from the author. I received neither candy corn nor money for this review (dammit!). Mara is available now.

(Contains general spoilers for the original Vampire Diaries books and entire television show, one major spoiler for the Season 3 finale and the end of Book 3, The Fury.)

The Vampire Diaries originally started out (in September 1991, making it 22 years old -- old enough to legally drink and make numerous questionable life decisions) as a four-book series by L.J. Smith.  When the CW announced that TVD would be coming to a small screen near you in 2009, my inner thirteen-year-old danced with glee.  Finally, all my teen dreams were coming true – the bitchy blonde ice queen of Fell’s Church, Virginia was going to be brought to life!  Except that it became immediately obvious that TV!Elena was more of a mild-mannered doormat instead of an ice queen with a sacred, sworn duty to ensnare the hot new student.  Four seasons into the television show, the characters and story lines share some similarities, but for the most part, it’s another beast entirely.  (All apologies to Tyler. Too soon?)

Ever since the first season, I have been wondering who would win in an Elena Gilbert Deathmatch – in the first season, it was hands-down book!Elena, but after four seasons, can TV!Elena hold a candle to her counterpart?

In this extremely fair and definitely-unbiased-by-years-of-L.J. Smith-fandom deathmatch, we will judge The Elenas in several categories: Tragic Backstory, High School Persona, Fashion Choices, Defending Friends & Vanquishing Enemies, and finally, Diary Upkeep.

Tragic Backstory

When the story opens, book!Elena’s parents both died in a car accident about four years prior – leaving her and her four or five year old sister, Margaret, in the care of their sweet but naïve Aunt Judith.  Aunt Judith is approximately the same age as the Gilbert parents, with a nice boyfriend named Robert who tries to parent the headstrong book!Elena a bit more than she’d prefer.  Elena still misses her parents, enough that she visits the cemetery when she feels lost, but her grief has diminished enough to replace angst with high school social-climbing, traipsing around Europe, and dating boys under the time-honored Catch and Release program.

In season one, TV!Elena’s parents also died in a car accident – but just four months prior, so everything is still painfully fresh.  Unlike book!Elena, TV!Elena has a teenage brother Jeremy (keeper of some Hot Arms, we will learn later) and a young aunt, Jenna, who is still in grad school and has no idea how to parent.   When we meet her, Elena is still a cheerleader (like her mother was), still participates in the Miss Mystic Falls pageant (like her mother did), and does a little parenting of her own, since Jeremy prefers to drown his sorrows in herbal substances.  Throughout the series, TV!Elena has moments of quiet strength, but for several seasons, she is constantly being rescued by one of the Salvatores and wringing her hands over The Katherine Problem.  (Incidentally, TV!Katherine is similar to Book!Elena in personality, at least initially.)

Winner: Book!Elena has had more time to grieve, thus more time to protect herself in an icy veneer, and she retains a stubborn strength throughout the entire series.  After all, we just have to look at page 3 to see that the girl is fierce: “It was all so completely ridiculous.  Since when had she, Elena Gilbert, been scared of meeting people? Since when had she been scared of anything?” TV!Elena, understandably, is still shellshocked when we meet her, and it takes her several seasons before she’s capable of anything resembling viciousness.  This is a deathmatch, though, and book!Elena would eat TV!Elena for breakfast in her well-appointed Civil War-era home (while wearing a red silk kimono, and no, I’m not making that up).

High School Persona

Book!Elena is a bit of a mean girl (with a soft chewy center, much to Damon’s delight), but while single-minded, stubborn, and occasionally snide, she doesn’t quite qualify for the Regina George Crown of Cruelty (that honor goes to book!Caroline, who is a diary-stealing, gold-lamé-ensconced mean girl to the max).  Book!Elena does not hesitate to use people for her purpose (in fact, she makes Bonnie and Meredith take a blood oath that they will help her snare Stefan), but her cruelty is a byproduct of her laser focus on getting what—or who—she wants.   If you’re helpful, she might let you sit at her cafeteria table – noblesse oblige!  She’s bored by these silly high school boys, and it’s time to get herself a cultured Italian man.  A man…who is still in American high school?  Oh well, details, he drives a Porsche 911 Turbo and he’s built, so, kindly get out of the way before Steamroller Gilbert flattens you.  From The Awakening: “Uh oh. Elena’s got that look again. The hunting look.” “Short-Dark-and-Handsome had better be careful.”

TV!Elena, as we mentioned earlier, is gorgeous and popular, but with a distinctly nicer side (again, however, Caroline plays the role of frenemy foil for quite some time). She doesn’t go after Stefan the way book!Elena does – instead, they’re drawn to each other.  People like TV!Elena rather than fear her, but you also get the sense that she’s a victim of life’s woes for quite awhile.  Instead of being a force to be reckoned with, she needs to be rescued.  As the series goes on, she stands up for herself more – especially to the devastatingly gorgeous Damon, and tells her drug-infused brother to pull it together – but you don’t really get the sense of focus that book!Elena gives off.  (Book!Elena is the subject of a couple of rescues herself, but nowhere near the amount TV!Elena garners.  Just look here.)  All bets are off in Season 4, but it takes TV!Elena a long time and countless tragedies to get mad – by that time, her icy blonde counterpart would have stomped all over her.

Winner: Book!Elena again! This is a girl who knows how to get what she wants.  I’m pretty sure that if you stuck her and TV!Elena in a cage, and dangled a Salvatore-shaped carrot outside, book!Elena would flatten TV!Elena like a pancake to get her man. (Or men. Book!Elena finds herself equally drawn to older, darker Damon.  As you do.) 

Fashion Choices

I could cut the books some slack, being written in the early 90s and all, but no. This is the series that gave us Elena’s kimono, apricot hair ribbons, dresses like “crystallized violets,” and Bonnie wearing a dress that makes her look like “…a shimmering party favor in pink taffeta and black sequins.” (Come to think of it, that sounds like a Betsey Johnson ensemble. Perhaps I was too quick to judge?)

The first time 17-year-old book!Elena dresses for school, she wears “a pale rose top and white linen shorts combo that made her look like a raspberry sundae,” finished off with a deep rose hair ribbon.

Always a great idea to look edible around vampires. Or just teenage boys in general.

Sure, she could look like Mollie King in the photo above, but let’s be real.  This was the early 90s, the time that gave us acid-washed high rise jeans, hats with big sunflowers on them, and LA Gear.  TV!Elena, on the other hand, while not exactly edgy, almost always looks fresh, classic, and like a real teenager when she goes to school.  Er, when she bothers to go to school.  

Plus, although book!Elena has an Italian Renaissance-era gown custom-made for a Halloween dance, TV!Elena wins, hands-down, for this dress alone:

It’s as sparkly as Edward Cullen and yet it works.

Winner: TV!Elena.  Book!Elena is going to seriously regret her yearbook photos in 20 years, if the fashion police haven’t incarcerated her for eternal life.  The only way she’ll win this portion of the deathmatch is if TV!Elena flings herself off Wickery Bridge after her retinas are burned out. 

Defending Friends & Vanquishing Enemies

Out of all the categories, this is where the Elenas are most similar.  Both can be utterly selfish and caught up in their own drama, but in the end, they are fiercely loyal and protective of their friends and family, willing to lay down their lives if it helps save others.  TV!Elena makes Stefan save Matt over her (although why she doesn’t unbuckle her seatbelt and follow them, I will never understand, and yes, I am a total killjoy):

Book!Elena saves Stefan and Damon from Katherine without regard to her own life – she flings herself into the sunlight, atop Katherine, without wearing her daylight ring.  As she lies dying, once Katherine is really and thoroughly dead, she exhorts the brothers to take care of each other, and is comforted by the knowledge that her friends will be safe now.  (This is a theme we see in the show, too – Elena and the Salvatores occasionally seem to acknowledge that the brothers’ love for each other is greater/more important than their love for her.)

Winner: It’s a draw. It’s no secret that I think TV!Elena is insanely whiny, but there’s no doubt that she’d do anything in her power to protect her friends and family.  Similarly, book!Elena transforms from a single-minded, selfish ice queen to a self-sacrificing friend over the course of three books.  TV!Elena hasn’t really vanquished any of our favorite antagonists (mostly just innocent victims), but Season 4 shows that she has a little life left in her yet.  In a cage match, just threaten a sibling and these two will maul each other to death in order to save them.

Diary Upkeep

Book!Elena keeps a diary even when she is living in a barn.  Sure, it’s full of gems like “It was as if he were a thousand miles away, and his eyes…there was so much pain in his eyes I could hardly stand it,” but the girl shows a level of commitment that is unparalleled by her TV counterpart. 

TV!Elena…well, frankly, I’m not sure why they’re even calling it the Vampire Diaries at this point – the last time I recall seeing anyone write in an actual diary (or give a voiceover) was in Season Two.  A scientific Google Image Search for “Elena Gilbert writing in her diary” yields four distinct screencaps.

Winner: Book!Elena, obviously.  She’ll kill TV!Elena with flowery prose about her loooooooooove for Stefan (or lust for Damon, either way), but I’m pretty sure we all wrote things like, “And there are little things that shouldn’t matter, but they bother me. Like why Stefan still wears Katherine’s ring around his neck, even though I know he loves me.” (Girl, I know. You’ve got to respect a person’s past, but that crap just doesn’t fly. Time and place, Salvatore, time and place.)

Conclusion:

Book!Elena is pretty badass, 22 years later—but TV!Elena is showing some major potential. With her newly acquired vampire powers, she is finally in a position to actually defend herself from the trouble she attracts – and hopefully she’ll also continue to tell Damon to stick his desire for her to be human where the sun don’t shine. Because we know book!Elena would never put up with that crap.

What do you think? Who would win in a cage match? Who do you like better as a person, and as a character?  Do you think the books have stood the test of time?  Do you think TV!Elena will be any less whiny this season?  Or will Katherine take on that mantle?

Happy Friday!  In honor of Banned Books Week, we have some special banned books themed links for you.  We’ve got a lot to cover today, so let’s get our click on!

Banned Books Week Things

Here were the most challenged books of 2012!  And check out these frequently challenged or banned comic books.  And when it comes to challenging books, YA fiction is more popular than ever.

The Toast talks about banned books they love (and books they wish would be banned.)

And for some good news - the North Carolina school board that banned The Invisible Man last week have changed their mind.  (I’m sure the media attention had nothing to do with reversing their decision.  Cough.)

Book Related Things

Drama in the Goodreads world!  Goodreads is planning on removing review content and shelves that refer to the author as opposed to the book itself.  But really, the whole thing is terribly inconsistent and biased.

And drama in the academic world!  This professor had some, uhhh, interesting things to say about what he’ll teach and why.  (Here’s Maureen Johnson’s response.  And a hilarious write up on Virginia Woolf, chinese novelist.)

An author on what it’s like to ghost write for a popular YA series.  (And before you waste any time putting the clues together, it is definitely Gossip Girl.)

Stephen King has some strong opinions on Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey.  (Look, I don’t like those series either and find them super problematic.  But can we PLEASE stop using the the romantic or sexual desires of any group of women - be it “tweens” or “mommies” - as a reason to dismiss something or invalidate its worth?  K THX.)

Looking back at the Sweet Valley High series.

October 5th is Star Wars Reads Day.  Check the website out to see if there are any events taking place near you!

Movie Related Things

In FYA’s YA Movie New Round Up this week, we saw the new Divergent posters and heard Catching Fire casting news.

Speaking of Catching Fire, the soundtrack list has been released.

Disney has released its first (english) trailier for Frozen.

The internet is full of kickass fan art, and this week we’ve got Disney Princesses styled in different fashions, Miyazaki character art nouveau and this hodgepodge of adorable drawings.

Some backstory on Warner Bros. new movie deal with J.K. Rowling.

Joss Whedon fans will want to check out this in depth interview with EW.

Photos from the set of Into The Woods have leaked.

TV Related Things

Firefly is relaunching with Dark Horse Comics!  On the one hand, part of me is sad, because this is pretty much the nail in the coffin for us getting a movie or tv show sequel.  On the other hand, WILL WE FINALLY LEARN ABOUT INARA’S SPACE LEUKEMIA!??

In no shit studies, turns out Netflix and Hulu users prefer to binge watch their TV.  WHO KNEW?!

Some images from season 3 of Sherlock.

A Victorian-era horror drama about literary villains?  Yes please!  (And for you Whovians, Billie Piper will be playing a major role.)

ABC Family is developing a show with Jamie Lee Curtis and other women who survived horror movies.

Miscellaneous Things

This week is horrible tie-in products - Fifty Shades of Wine and a blood cleanse.  Uhh.

Butterbeer...as a mug cake!

A brief history of slash fiction.

And finally, Vulture has compiled their definitive list of Millennials' shared pop culture.

And that’s it!  Please share anything interesting you found this week (especially banned books related!) in the comments below.

BOOK REPORT for The Dream Thieves (Raven Cycle Book 2) by Maggie Stiefvater

Cover Story: Ronantastic
BFF Charm: Make It Rain
Swoonworthy Scale: 7
Talky Talk: Once Upon A Midnight Dreary
Bonus Factors: Dream Thieves, Empire Strikes Back
Relationship Status: Dream Lover

Cover Story: Ronantastic

Thank goodness Scholastic decided to continue in the artistic vein of The Raven Boys cover rather than some dumb repackaging bullshizz. (I shudder to think of the "new look" this book could have been given to appeal to the teen market. Cute prep school boy stock photo! Shadowy figures wreathed in mist with a goth emo font! Blue inexplicably floating while clutching tarot cards!) I really liked the artwork on the first novel's cover, so I love the fact that it has been Ronan-ified for The Dream Thieves. Even with (or perhaps because of) the heavy shading and lack of definition, you can *feel* the intensity rolling off of Ronan's shoulders, and his visage hints at the darkness that awaits. This is a gorgeously mysterious cover that truly honors its contents.

The Deal:

OMG YOU GUYS IT'S THE SEQUEL TO THE RAVEN BOYS! I'm pretty sure I've been waiting about 100 years for this novel to be released and IT'S FINALLY HERE.

So, if you haven't read The Raven Boys, please for the love of all that is holy, stop reading this review and proceed directly to your local library and CHECK THAT SHIZZ OUT. It was my favorite book of 2012, and I would hate to spoil it for you with this review.

Now, if you HAVE read the first book in Maggie Stiefvater's Raven Cycle, then by all means, continue. I promise to avoid spilling any major beans.

The Dream Thieves picks up almost right where The Raven Boy left off, with our heroes still reeling from their experience in Cabeswater. Except now Cabeswater is missing, and no one has a clue as to where it went. While Gansey investigates with his typical obsessive gusto, Ronan explores his newly discovered powers of transferring objects from his dreams into reality, and Adam continues to wrestle with his feelings of envy and otherness, which have only grown stronger since he woke the ley line. Our girl Blue is basically Head Raven Boy Wrangler, while Noah is, well, still a ghost. Elevating the stakes are two new players at the table-- the Gray Man, an enigmatic assassin with murky motives, and Kavinsky, a fellow Aglionby student infamous for fast cars and dirty deeds.

Determined to reach Cabeswater, Blue and her Raven Boys uncover new clues and old secrets, but they soon find themselves unraveling at a much faster pace than the mystery itself.

BFF Charm: Make It Rain

Cracking open this book for the first time felt just like meeting up with my college roomies and catching up over cocktails. I was like, "Oh Gansey, I've missed you! I've even missed your awful Topsiders! And Ronan! You're still such a dick! That is SO GREAT! Noah, sweetheart, how ARE you feeling? And Blue, it's wonderful to see you, but can we please talk about this Adam situation? HI ADAM, yeah, I know you can hear me, but listen, you need to GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY."

In other words, these characters already feel like cherished old friends, and it was heaven to be in their company once again. Blue knows what I'm talking about:

In that moment, Blue was a little in love with all of them. Their magic. Their quest. Their awfulness and strangeness. Her raven boys.

Speaking of our stubborn fearless heroine, I do wish this novel had given me more of a chance to hang out with her. She doesn't actually do much in the story, but this is Ronan's book, and I totally get that. Moreover, I relished the opportunity to gain more insight into Ronan's stormy psyche. He is truly a revelation, a tortured and broken anti-hero with a compassion that is both startling and heartbreaking. I need to give him approximately a thousand hugs. (Psyche! Like Ronan would ever let me get that close to him.)

In addition to the Scooby Gang, I'd like to extend charms to the wonderfully deranged Calla and the Gray Man, who is basically THE SHIZZ.

Swoonworthy Scale: 7

Just like in The Raven Boys, Stiefvater restrains from any heavy romancing, which makes the small moments of swoon that much more tantalizing. I'll refrain from spoilers, but there's one scene in particular that epitomizes the phrase, "Less is more." BRB MY PANTIES ARE ABLAZE.

Talky Talk: Once Upon A Midnight Dreary

While this book isn't written in verse (thank goodness), Maggie Stiefvater's style is deliciously dark and Poe-like. Her descriptions creep up on you until suddenly, you're submerged in a world that feels as real as our own, in spite of the fact that nothing in Henrietta is remotely normal. Stiefvater is truly a spellbinding storyteller, unfolding the plot with a shiver-inducing brush of words on one page and a walloping punch in the next. Like any good ride, The Dream Thieves is not for the faint of heart, due in part to the thrillingly unpredictable action as well as-- oh yeah, did I mention Ronan's nightmares? Because they're terrifying, which means they will soon be YOUR nightmares. The nuanced intensity of Stiefvater's writing slowly builds to an epic climax that will echo in your mind for days and even months to come.

Bonus Factor: Dream Thieves

With great power comes great responsibility, but let's be honest. If you had the ability to bring objects from your dreams into reality, you would abuse the SHIZZ out of it. Ronan's exploration of his gift is fascinating and even, at times, fun, and the concept itself adds a mind-blowing new layer to The Raven Cycle.

Bonus Factor: Empire Strikes Back

So often, the sequel to a big hit can be a major disappointment. But The Dream Thieves does justice to its predecessor and propels the story arc forward in exciting (and sometimes shocking) ways. In the vein of Empire, this sequel lurks in the shadows, sewing seeds of uncertainty over the outcome of the battle between good and evil.

Casting Call

For Blue, Adam and Noah, I'll stick with Jenny's picks.

Ansel Elgort as Gansey

I think Ansel has the look of Gansey, but I'd need to make sure he could nail that upper class Virginian accent.

Dylan O'Brien as Ronan

Dylan's got Ronan's venomous, tough exterior, but those eyes hint at the possibility of a sweet soul.

Ezra Miller as Kavinsky

Kavinsky is infamous and unhinged and I kind of love him (although I would NEVER give him a BFF charm). In other words, Ezra would be PERFECT.

Russell Crowe as The Gray Man

I don't care for Russell Crowe in real life, but I do think he's a damn good actor, and he's could definitely capture the Gray Man's foreboding (yet strangely proper) presence.

Relationship Status: Dream Lover

Book, I feel so lucky that I got to hold you in my arms and know the magic of your charms. You are everything I dreamed you would be, and I wish I could stay with you forever instead of waking back up to boring reality. But even when we're apart, the memory of you continues to enchant my ordinary life with fantastical imaginings and burning questions. I can't wait to reunite with you in the form of the third book, and until then, I'll have to rely on writing fan fiction daydreaming in anticipation.

Now, for those of you who've had the chance to read The Dream Thieves already, let's have ALL OF THE CONVERSATIONS in the comments. (So, beware! There be spoilers ahead!)

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a free review copy from Scholastic. I received neither cocktails nor money for this review (dammit!). The Dream Thieves is available now.

Welcome back to the YA Movie News Roundup, the place to dish on all of your favorite book-to-film properties. 

Catching Fire is out this week, and reviews are starting to come in. My editor over at Badass Digest wrote a great review that got me extra excited for the film, calling it a "subversive, exciting sci-fi epic" that "bests the original in every way." Read it! 

Listen to a new song from the Catching Fire soundtrack here. The Catching Fire cast dishes on their favorite YA books for Entertainment Weekly. And not for nothing, but Jennifer Lawrence looks crazy smoking hot with her new haircut. Check out pics from the premiere!

Finally, I have to say, I don't know how I feel about a Hunger Games theme park. Along with lines of lipstick and nail polish and fashion designs tied into the property, it feels a bit like Lionsgate relates more to the Capitol than the districts. 

While I'm linking to BAD, allow me to direct you toward my recap of Forever Fest, the inaugural girlie pop culture festival founded by FYA's own Posh! It was AMAZING.

Jon Favreau (Swinger turned director of Iron Man 1 & 2) is in talks to direct an adaptation of Rudyard Kiplings The Jungle Book. Live action? I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it could be very cool. Per Favreau: “I can’t say that much, but there is an interesting take that could be very cool, and the hope is to relaunch a family brand with certain mythic elements. It is my first real family film since Elf, and there are action elements and visual effects that I feel like my experience on the Iron Man films are going to be useful.” Could be interesting! 

A new Vampire Academy trailer is live! This movie looks rowdy. 

And finally, the Maleficent poster was released today and that dark fairy's lookin' pretty baller with her leather-bound horns. The trailer goes live tomorrow, so look for that in next week's roundup!

That's it for this week - let us know how you feel about the Hunger Games theme park and a new Jungle Book in the comments!

BOOK REPORT for Ketchup Clouds by Annabel Pitcher

Cover Story: Truth in Advertising
BFF Charm: Let Me Love You
Swoonworthy Scale: 7
Talky Talk: Heartbreaking Epistolary Hilarity
Bonus Factors: Message in a Bottle, Sisters, Library
Anti-Bonus Factor: Bickering Parents
Relationship Status: It's Complicated

As our FYA Book Clubs learned last year with My Sister Lives on the Mantlepiece, that Annabel Pitcher sure knows how to bring the laughs and the tears. Read the rest of the book report over at our series on Kirkus!

Follow along the whole rewatch here!

Last week, on Gilmore Girls...

YOU SAW THIS, RIGHT? RIGHT? right right right? Okay, just making sure.  

You guys, next week is "Luke Can See Her Face" and I CANNOT HANDLE IT. I cannot. So let's just barrel through these babies and get there, what do you say?

But first! a reminder of our drinking game rules:

The Gilmore Girls Drinking Game Rules

Drink once every time:

Lorelai or Rory drinks coffee.

Emily gets flustered by Lorelai's bizarre sense of humor.

Sookie is controlling about food.

Paris is controlling about anything.

Michel snubs a customer.

Luke is crotchety.

Taylor has an absurd scheme for Stars Hollow.

The girls acquire massive amounts of food and then fail to take even one bite.

Drink twice every time:

Kirk has a new job.

You see a town troubadour.

Emily gets a new maid.

On to the episodes!

4.17 "Girls in Bikinis, Boys Doin' the Twist"

It's SPRING BREEEEEEAK!, and Rory and Paris decide to go to Florida with Glenn and Janet, mostly to get warm because Connecticut is still super cold in March. There they run into Madeline and Louise from their old Chilton days, because if there's a party, those girls will find it. Rory and Paris discover, to no one's surprise, that they're not very good at spring break, as they hole up in their hotel room watching The Power of Myth and eating pizza. 

Well, when tomorrow rolls around, they do commit. They lay out by the pool, Rory makes eyes with a cute boy, they dance at a club...then Paris KISSES Rory, because you know, if you're gonna do something, do it all out. Rory, as you can imagine, is aghast, but Paris wants to know why every single person is having more fun than they are on spring break. The answer to that question is easy (alcohol!), and the girls soon suss it out. Rory has her first drink, which means she has her first drunk dial (to Dean, leaving him a giggly, unwise voicemail after Madeline calls him from Rory's phone), and it also means she has her first vomit sesh on a beach, followed by her first hangover meal (mac and cheese!). Lorelai's most proud of the mac and cheese, as am I. I am least proud of the drunk dial, and medium proud of the vomit sesh. After Rory and Paris have conquered spring break in the spirit it's intended, they use Paris' frequent flyer miles to go home early. I love those girls.

Meanwhile, Lorelai and Digger are making commitment strides! He gives her a key to his home, telling her that this is usually the point in a relationship where he splits, but he doesn't want to split. It's sweet, but more importantly, LORELAI BAILS LUKE OUT OF JAIL THIS WEEK. Wait, back up. Luke grabbed a pair of socks from his drawer at Nicole's/his place, only to discover that they weren't his socks, but some other fella's. So he stalks her, as one does, and learns that she's cheating on him. I hate Nicole, sure, but Luke's been a terrible husband, mostly because he's in love with Lorelai. So, he cracks a little and starts kicking Mystery Sock Man's car, which gets him arrested. Lorelai bails him out and comforts him, and YAY LUKE IS SINGLE NOW! Well, not officially, but for all intents and purposes. Now let's just get Lorelai single, shall we? (spoileralertnextweekomg)

How many times do I have to drink?

14

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

2.

Flirtation quota:

Rory's sure making with the come hither eyes at the cute boy at her resort, but he only shows real interest in her once he sees her and Paris kiss, at which point she immediately flees because she is wise beyond her years. Her voicemail with Dean is much flirtier than a voicemail to a married ex-boyfriend should ever be but, you know, booze. Of course, when he calls her back at the end of the episode she's still flirty (and so is he), and she's sober then, so I have no real excuse for her.

Digger really is sweet when he tells Lorelai how he feels about their relationship: "The other night I woke up and the timer went off in my head: 'Hey, buddy, it's about that time.' So I did what I always do. I thought about you, and I thought about us, and I thought about all the things that bother me, and I came up with nothing. I went over it and over it in my head. That feeling, that 'I want out' feeling - it wasn't there. What was there was the very strong sense that if I did bolt, I might as well go out and find a pointy hat, a stool and a classroom full of sixth graders, because I'd be an absolute idiot to screw this up. So I went out and made the key. And I was hoping that the key would say that this is different, and that I want you in my life a lot more than you are now." Aww. Digger. 

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

The Shins are in this episode! It must be sweeps, as they're playing the party where Paris and Rory mack. 

(The kiss is at 4.07 if you want to skip ahead, you perve.)

Sookie's best dish of the episode/Michel madness:

Nope.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

Haven't we moved past cherub tees, Lorelai? Yet another terrible pink shirt. All of her worst shirts are pink.

Outfit MVP:

I love Rory's red, yellow and orange puffy vest. So cute and sporty! The lace scarf is all wrong with it, however.

Kirk insanity:

He now runs a pedicab company (drink)! He's in terrible shape, so he huffs and puffs as he slowly drags Lorelai and Rory five feet, then takes off without his "big fat cargo," mocking Rory for gaining the freshman fifteen. UNCOOL, Kirk. 

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

Rory, recapping the weekend for Lorelai: "We sat on the beach, went to a club, we watched The Power of Myth, Paris and I kissed..." Lorelai: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You watched The Power of Myth?! I hid that from you!" Best mom ever. 

Random observation:

This is SUCH a good Paris episode. From the kiss, to the way she tips everyone at the resort, to the breezy rapport she and Rory share, to her giant beach hat and drunken giggles, this might be my favorite Paris ep ever. 

4.18 "Tick, Tick, Tick, Boom"

I don't actually care for this episode. Some important stuff happens, but the tone of it feels all wrong. Unsurprisingly, it's a Daniel Palladino episode. He's a producer throughout the show and has obviously written some great eps, but whenever a Lorelai rant goes on too long and too haphazardly (ugh, the anvils), whenever a townie scene feels inauthentic, whenever a joke falls flat as a prairie, I know I'll see Daniel's name in the credits.

Richard and Digger are...well, I'll let Richard give you the news.

So things are going well for their fledgling company, and they feel especially validated when Digger's dad (and Richard's former boss) Floyd Stiles reaches out to them at a golf game, initiating dinner plans. Richard, Emily and Digger think this is a positive development, so Digger's parents are invited to Friday night dinner. Everything is very cordial until Rory leaves and dinner is over, at which point the gentlemen retire to the study for cigars because it's the '50s. There, Floyd tells Richard and Digger that he's suing them because Digger has broken their noncompete clause by taking a (friendly) meeting with one of Floyd's clients. He's had a PI (...Keith?) following Digger so, by the way, he also announces to Richard and Emily that Lorelai and Digger have been dating. For five months. Secretly. Oh, and we learn that Richard put up his pension as collateral on the new business, so now he's in big trouble.

Emily kicks out Lorelai and Richard loses his temper at Digger, first for being careless and second for shtupping his daughter. But Digger apologizes earnestly, begging Richard to trust him, and promises he'll take care of everything, planning to countersue Floyd and call him on his bluff. Richard grudgingly tells Digger he does have his trust, and then tells Emily (who has of course been left in the dark on all of this because Richard never confides in her anymore) that everything's going to be okay. They share a drink after everyone's left, and Lorelai and Digger get drunk at his place, too. Rough night all around. 

In other news, Dean stops by Rory's dorm to drop off an extra bookshelf Lorelai ordered for the inn, and as they catch up he reveals that he's taking a break from school because he and Lindsay need money so they can buy a townhome by the end of the year. Rory's dismayed that he's taking a break from college and gives him what's for, and he grows defensive and takes off. Later, Rory's telling Lane all of this at Doose's (YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN, MAKE SURE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU), and she says she's mad at Lindsay for being so selfish. "I mean, why doesn't she get a job? What does she do all day?" AUGHH CRINGE. Of course, Lindsay overhears all of this, and it's terrible. Later, Dean sees Rory's car and beckons her into a dark alley like a shady weirdo. He apologizes for being defensive, saying he knows she just doesn't want him to settle, and he tells her that Lindsay doesn't want him talking to Rory anymore. Um, completely understandably, since he never admitted to Lindsay in the first place that he and Rory were in touch, and then she overheard Rory saying awful things about her at Doose's. But to Rory's credit, she also admits that it's understandable, but Dean tells her he's not going to let that happen. Oh, kids. You are on a stupid, dangerous slope here. 

Finally, the episode ends with Richard and Floyd on a golf course, being diabolical fat cats. Floyd's dropping the lawsuit, Richard's rejoining the firm, they're splitting the clients and Digger is out. Poor Digger. 

How many times do I have to drink?

10.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

2.

Flirtation quota: 

DEAN AND RORY, STOP IT. Stop it right now.

Digger and Lorelai are very cute this episode, especially at the end when they're all bamboozled and drunk on his couch. 

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

Kirk: "I've been up for one and a half days straight. I haven't done that since the Petticoat Junction marathon in '97."

Sookie's best dish of the episode/Lorelai's craziest outfit:

Not this week!

Outfit MVP:

I wish I had a better picture: everyone gushes over how nice Lorelai looks for Friday night dinner, and I can only agree. She obviously dressed up to impress Digger's parents. This dress also has a keyhole opening in the back and it fits her like a dream. ha cha cha.

Kirk insanity:

So why has Kirk been up for a day and a half? A newly (and badly) toupee'd Taylor is mad at him because he left Kirk in charge of the Easter egg hunt, and Kirk forgot to make an egg map. Fifty-nine rotting eggs are still hidden in the square, and all of Stars Hollow stinks to high heaven. Kirk's been working his butt off to gather the wayward eggs and make it up to Taylor in time for the upcoming flower show. After seeing a crushed Kirk chastised by Taylor, Luke goes into the square and finds the remaining eggs and then tells Kirk to take credit for it, because he is the single most wonderful human alive. 

Michel madness: 

He's awfully complainy about having to move the extraneous bookshelf around, damaging his manicure and comparing the work to being on the Amistad (not okay), but the weirdest thing is when he implies that he has a big crush on Lindsay and is jealous of Dean. This makes it CLEAR that Daniel Palladino had no idea how to write for Michel because that is CRAZY. Michel is sexless! And also way too old for Lindsay! His only love is Celine Dion, dammit. 

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

Emily, complaining about being forced to spend dinner with the bimbo wife of one of Richard's colleagues: "I'll have to bring my English-to-dumbbell dictionary."

Random observation:

Richard's turned into a real sleaze, hasn't he? It's an interesting and believable arc, even though he always seemed like an honorable person before (if not the greatest father). But his forced retirement at the firm must have done a real number on his self-esteem, and he's spent the ensuing time neglecting his wife, hanging out with Moby at restaurants, going to Atlantic City with clients and screwing over the one professional ally who's stood by him since the beginning. Not to mention having secret lunches with his ex-fiancee, although that's apparently been going on for thirty-nine years. His treatment of Digger is the worst thing he's done yet, but he's certainly going to top it. 

--

That's it for this week, and that means next week is almost here and THAT means that Luke can totally see her face, you guys!!! But before that, "Afterboom," so meet me back here next Wednesday morning so we can all swoon and squee and sigh together. 

And I leave you with a question, dear FYA readers: how do you feel about Richard's arc this season? Believable? Out of nowhere? Forgivable? 

Previously on The Originals: The internet goes crazy as the Hayley/Elijah flirtation quota reaches new heights.  Everyone is still trying to kill the hybrid baby, which angers each of the Original family members for different reasons.  Rebekah takes Marcel’s clothes off.

The Original Dysfunctional Family Drama

I love this show so much that I want to marry it and have its hybrid plot device babies.  (This seems like as good a time as any to note that the next episode, unfortunately, won’t air until Nov. 26. Blast!)

Vampire Book Club is back and they mean business.

So many great moments and lines this week.  Hang on while I wistfully gaze into Marcel’s dimples.  Okay, let’s go.

The Hunt for Hayley begins with Klaus and Elijah dropping in on Marcel’s Vampire Fight Club, eliciting such gems from Elijah as “It appears we’ve interrupted a collection of filthy amateurs,” “Not the most attractive community,” “I could use a stroll through the countryside,” and Marcel, “I liked you better in that box.”  Who took her but an especially testosterone-y Tyler, convinced that Klaus only wanted the baby because he could make more hybrids with the child.  Tyler was right about the hybrids, as he demonstrates on werewolf Dwayne, but not about Klaus’ motivations – he seemed genuinely surprised and angry when Elijah and Hayley questioned his motives.

Better, though, were Elijah and Klaus needling each other on the way to find Hayley.   They are so clearly siblings in this moment, poking at each other’s weaknesses with the kind of accuracy you only get when you’ve grown up with someone.  Klaus torments Elijah about his feelings for Hayley, and Elijah looks down his stately nose at his brother for all of his wrongdoings.  When Klaus has it out with Tyler, rubbing his nose in the fact that he killed Tyler’s mother and threw a wrench in his relationship with Caroline, it feels like a direct result of Elijah’s condemnation.

Both Tyler and Klaus are in mega-asshole mode – Tyler wants to kill Hayley and her baby in order to spite Klaus and his desire for a family/army.  He kills Dwayne when the new hybrid, curiously sired to Hayley/her baby, tries to protect the pregnant girl.  Have we ever seen Tyler quite this dickish before? (Serious question -- I don't remember.)  Klaus, for his part, is furious that Elijah and Hayley doubt his intentions, and lashes out by biting Elijah and saying “I’ll play the role I’ve been given.”  It’s a great scene and perfectly portrays the most interesting dynamic on the show – obviously Klaus is single-minded, often sociopathic, and cruel.  Many times, though, he starts to show humanity (for example, with the baby, or compelling Cami to forget her pain), goes about it the wrong way, and is hurt when no one seems to appreciate it.  Elijah, on the other hand, is the perfect “noble” older brother to whom he can never compare. No wonder he has a complex.  

Meanwhile, Marcel confronts Josh about Klaus’ compulsion and has Davina wipe the effects away, which is quite painful.  When it’s over, Davina is supposed to wipe the baby vampire’s memory, but can’t quite bring herself to do it – she sees something of herself, I think, in the “gay club kid turned vampire.”  I suspect that this will come back to haunt her. 

Rebekah is also trying to find Hayley, which leads her to St. Anne’s.  She tosses Marcel around a bit and he takes her to the Garden, showing her the plans for the house he was going to build her.  I want so badly to believe Marcel is sincere, and he might be, a bit, but I fear she is being naïve and overlooking Marcel’s other motives in wooing her – he wants to kill Klaus, or at least imprison him in the garden.  Again, his words hit Rebekah where it hurts, just like Elijah’s hit Klaus and Klaus’ hit Tyler – Marcel rightfully points out that Rebekah will never be allowed to be happy when Klaus is running around, able to control her.    This leads to Rebekah betraying Klaus – and with Tyler teaming up with Marcel against Klaus, things aren’t looking good for Klaus’ humanity any time soon.

Marcel, the Martha Stewart of the underworld, gives this tip: fifty white candles in mismatched candleabras adds an air of class to any Vampire Fight Club soiree.

The Original Mythology

- Hayley’s baby – and by extension, Hayley herself while pregnant – can sire hybrids of her own, thanks to Tyler’s backwoods blood draw.  The new hybrids defer to her, not Klaus. (Side note: I can watch these characters snatch still-beating hearts from the chests of their foes, no problem, but stick a needle in them and I’m howling with empathy.  PLEASE, WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE TRYPANOPHOBICS?!)

- Hayley’s birthmark means she’s some sort of werewolf royalty, and judging from the family Bible mysteriously left on the porch, she may be named Andrea.

The Original Body Count

- Dwayne, the new bayou hybrid was cut down in the flower of his youth by Testosterone-y Tyler.

The Original WTF

- I can’t believe how much I like Davina now. 

The Original Joseph Morgan Award for Tortured Hot People

Gif courtesy of andrealabonairs on tumblr, here.

Sign me up to be reincarnated as Hayley’s sweater during that hug – I’ll be ugly as sin but I could live with Elijah petting me.  (By the way, I love that the more casual Elijah’s clothing, the more affectionate he is.  Are the ties cutting off the blood flow to his feelings?)  Damn, never was a simple hug hotter.  Usually Elijah’s a little too buttoned-up for my taste (I’m anal-retentive enough to fuel a small army of accountants and lawyers), but that whole hand-down-the-back, hands-on-the-waist thing gave me a serious case of FEELINGS.

Your turn, or are you still mopping up the puddle of drool?  Where do you think this is going? Are we going to get a redemption story out of Klaus?  Is Elijah going to continue sporting casual wear?  Will Rebekah finally turn against Klaus permanently, or will the bonds of family keep her from doing so?

BOOK REPORT for The Princess in the Opal Mask (The Opal Mask #1) by Jenny Lundquist

Cover Story: Big Mask
BFF Charm: Yay x2
Swoonworthy Scale: 3
Talky Talk: Mark Twain-inspired
Bonus Factor: Secret Passages
Anti-Bonus Factor: Lecherous Old Man
Relationship Status: In For The Long Haul

Cover Story: Big Mask

I suppose a book with a title like this one does have to avoid the traditional Big Face—at a masquerade, one does not reveal their identity to just anyone. Big Mask is a nice spin on the norm.

The Deal:

Elara has never known anything other than the life of a servant, even though she was adopted by a family that promised to take her as one of their own. For nearly 17 years, she has lived with the Ogdens, bending to Lady Ogden’s every whim. And yet, she’s learned how to be strong and independent, instead of breaking.

Wilha has spent her entire life hidden behind a jeweled mask. As the Masked Princess, she’s the most famous face in all of Galandria (her home country), even if no one actually knows what she looks like. For nearly 17 years, she’s done exactly what she’s been told to do. But even princesses have their breaking points.

When the two are brought together, circumstances change—in the most unexpected of ways.

BFF Charm: Yay x2

Elara is sarcastic, strong-willed and has the enviable ability to turn even the worst situation into something better, merely by thinking about it in a different light. The crap life she was dealt might have broken a lesser girl, but Elara has lived through it all and become better for it. Yeah, she can be a bit of a jerk and is somewhat cold at times, but that stems from years of having no one to look out for her except herself.

Wilha has everything. Money, jewels, pretty clothes, the adoration of a nation. All these things combined might have made another girl soft and spoiled, but Wilha hasn’t quite ever felt like any of these things actually belong to her; all of the trappings belong to the Masked Princess. She’s naive and a little obtuse, but that’s not entirely her fault. Being a princess means that people often keep things from you and keep you hidden away “for safety reasons.” Wilha’s worthy of a BFF because even with all of these lovely things, she’s willing to take chances to be true to herself.

Swoonworthy Scale: 3

Hints of swoon (to come) for both ladies can be found sprinkled through the book, but there’s very little actual action in The Princess in the Opal Mask. And the action that is within the pages barely gets past meet-cute territory.

Talky Talk: Mark Twain-inspired

Without getting too spoilery, there are definite hints of Twain’s The Prince and the Pauper in The Princess in the Opal Mask. Jenny Lundquist puts her own spin on things, however, which adds spice to the well-known trope. We get to see the story unfold from both girls’ POVs, but the POVs don’t switch with each chapter. This adds to the suspense of certain parts and doesn’t disrupt the flow of other events. Both Elara and Wilha also have pretty distinct personalities, which makes it easier to tell who’s taking when.

Bonus Factor: Secret Passageways

The castles in Galandria are riddled with secret passages only the royal family and a handful of guards and trusted advisers know how to find. I’ve always wanted to live in a house with secret passages that I could use to get around without people knowing. (That and a dumbwaiter. I might not be able to fit into one anymore, but it would still be awesome to have.)

Anti-Bonus Factor: Lecherous Old Men

One of Wilha’s fathers’ advisers is obviously and creepily interested in her. I’m not positive on how old he is, but I think he’s at least in his 40s. She’s 17.

(To be clear, that’s Alan Rickman as Judge Turpin, not Alan Rickman as Alan Rickman.)

Casting Call:

Hailee Steinfeld as ???

Sorry! Revealing who I’d like her to play would be a spoiler.

Relationship Status: In For The Long Haul

So, Book, usually I’d be annoyed with you for being the start to yet another series, but I’m actually on board this time. You introduced me to two intelligent characters and a story that could go a bunch of different places. I’m excited about seeing where we go from here.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a free review copy from Running Press Teens. I received neither Swedish Fish nor money for this review. The Princess in the Opal Mask is available now.

Title: Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive
Year: 2013
Fix: LOLZ

Netflix Summary:

Red-hot comic Aziz Ansari (Parks and Recreation) shares his views on adulthood, babies, marriage, love and more in the modern era. Filmed live in Philadelphia, Ansari's unfiltered look at his own place in today's adult world is smartly hilarious.

FYA Summary:

Hey! It's Aziz Ansari, telling jokes and being funny! Awesome.

Familiar Faces:

I first saw Aziz Ansari during SXSW, back in 2006 or 2007. He was touring with the Comedians of Comedy, which included Patton Oswalt, who was the main reason I made it to the show. I remember Aziz telling this great joke about Googling himself-- it was basically something along the lines of:

"I often Google 'Aziz Ansari is a badass motherf*cker,' just so that when other people search my name, Google will ask them, 'Do you mean Aziz Ansari is a badass motherf*cker?'"

From that moment on, I was a fan of Aziz Ansari, badass motherf*cker. He's hilarious, he loves talking about R. Kelly, and he's a huge supporter of gay marriage. Oh yeah, and he's a fantastic dresser. His suit in this movie is MWAH. (That's the sound of me putting my fingers to my lips and making a kissing sound while expanding said fingers. Why don't we have a word for that? Or, at the very least, an emjoi?)

I ADORE him as Tom Haverford on Parks & Recreation, but it's great to see him doing standup as himself (well, the comedian version of himself). Which, truth be told, is... a lot like Tom Haverford.

Couch-Sharing Capability: Make Like Sardines

It's a scientific fact* that laughing along with other people just makes you laugh louder. This show is FUNNY, and your enjoyment of it will increase exponentially based on the number of friends you can turn to and be all, "I KNOW RIGHT?" and "DUBS TRUE."

*And by scientific fact, I mean based on my extensive research of laughing my ass off in large crowds.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: Buzzed

Even if you're sober, Aziz will still be hilarious, but I recommend loosening up with a few beverages throughout the show. Just make sure you stay alert enough to remember the jokes the next day, because otherwise you'll be robbed of my favorite thing, which is forcing my friends to hear me retell, i.e. butcher, other people's punchlines.

Use of Your Netflix Subscription: Gut-Busting

I'm a big fan of standup comedy. Correction: I'm a big fan of good standup comedy. And, sadly, it's often hard to find. So when I see a special like this, with a performer who is both hilarious and intelligent, I feel like I've found the Holy Grail. (Or, at the very least, something touched by Jesus sacred.) Aziz is at the top of his game in this show, and his material is fresh (with the exception of the Babies Are Stupid stuff he stole from David Cross) and insanely entertaining. And did I mention that he goes off script and improvises a whole section with a couple in the front row? That's when you know that the dude has SKILLS.

Aziz Ansari, I think I love you.

HEY Y'ALL. This episode of Nashville is definitely my favorite of the season thus far. Rayna got some action, Juliette told off a chauvinist dirtbag, Maddie and Daphne sang a song, and Deacon was real sweet. WELL PLAYED, SHOW. Let's discuss the finer points:

- Scarlett's going on tour with Luke Wheeler! And... so is Gunnar? Well f*ck.

- Maddie wants to hang out with Deacon. WHO CAN BLAME HER? Thank you, child, for bringing Rayna and Deacon back together so that eventually, they can hook up in a whirlwind of happiness and then break up in a traumatic way. Wait, maybe I shouldn't be saying thank you.

- But how precious was Deacon, wanting to be someone Maddie can be proud of?!! Dude, not to demotivate you, but Teddy has set the bar extremely low.

- Speaking of Teddy, holy shizz, he and Peggy actually got married. Even though Peggy has officially entered Full On Crazy Mode. Place your bets now on how many episodes we've got until she murders him in his sleep!

- Gunnar made a deal with the devil Jeff Doucheham!!! NOOOOOOO.

- Luke Wheeler is a handsome gentleman with a large amount of land. In other words, he's the Mr. Darcy of Nashville and utterly deserving of Rayna's affection. I mean, until we get to the season finale and Deacon returns to being a viable option. Also, he made this happen, which was awesome:

- Maddie and Daphne looks so pretty at the wedding! And they sang so pretty too!

- Who else got mad at Gay Cowboy Will for leaving the bar when those homophobic dicks were harassing Jeff's assistant and his boyfriend? And then how guilty did you feel for thinking badly of him when he got busy punching the shizz out of the aforementioned dicks? And THEN how much did you revert back to being disappointed in him when he hooked up with Layla? Gay Cowboy Will, GET OUT OF THE CLOSET ALREADY.

- When Layla told Juliette, "I'm not you. You can go save someone else." DAYUM.

- I am SO glad that Deacon asked Maddie what happened to her glasses!!! Unfortunately, it seems that she's committed to her contacts. Sigh.

Best Rayna James Line:

While I did love Rayna's straight talk with Maddie ("We made some decisions a long time ago that are really impacting your life right now. And I'm so sorry that it's caused you even an ounce of pain. But we're gonna make it right together."), I gotta give this one to Juliette:

"I guess nice just ain't my color."

HELLO NEW CATCHPHRASE.

Rayna vs Juliette: (Who won?)

Both women had a preeeetty good run in this episode. Juliette got to sex it up with Charlie Wentworth again, and then she got to tell off Bobby Belmont. But then she had to kiss Olivia. SO, this one definitely goes to Rayna, who got to spend Teddy's wedding day doing the following: shooting guns, sleeping with Luke Wheeler and watching Deacon sing. Not bad for a day's work, girl.

Best Scene:

Juliette telling DJ Bobby Belmont HOW IT IS = a thousand fist pumps.

Best Sub-plot:

Deacon and Avery!!!! From that very first milk incident to them discovering that the open mic night was at a comedy club, I am head over heels for this unlikely duo. Major pants to the writer who thought of this storyline, cos I never saw it coming.

WTF:

- Why did the show cut off Maddie and Daphne's song after only one chorus? I would have gladly sacrificed the scene with Gunnar and Zoey just to hear that entire song.

- Show, why did you have to go and make Houston look bad with those redneck homophobes? Houston has one of the largest gay communities in the country! Next time, DO YOUR RESEARCH.

- OLIVIA KISSED JULIETTE. WHAT THE WHAT. And also WHAT.

Burning Questions:

- Gunnar Hairwatch 2013: Seriously, how much higher can Gunnar's hair get? And will it lower now that he has to tour with Scarlett? Or will it get higher? i DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PHYSICS OF GUNNAR'S HAIR.

- Is that DJ guy Bobby Belmont the grossest person on the planet, or is that DJ guy Bobby Belmont the grossest person on the planet?

- What the hell is Juliette going to do about Olivia?

- Will Gunnar and Scarlett hook up on the tour? Because (and I still can't believe I'm saying this), I want her to be with Avery! Because I'm obviously on crazy pills!

- When is Layla going to totally trainwreck in the public eye and run to Juliette for help?

- When will Jeff Doucheham die a terrible death?

So, do y'all agree that this was a solid episode? Where do you think these plotlines are going? And what's driving you crazy? Spill it in the comments!