Previously on The Originals: We get a little more Original family back story, and it is predictably dysfunctional: there’s another Original witch floating around, and she’s even more demented than Esther.
The Original Dysfunctional Family Drama
"I walk this empty streets, in the bayou of broken dreams"
At least the blogger/work-from-home-lawyer uniform is comfortable, I think, hoping that somehow my coffee will overcome the four crazy days in Austin at FYA HQ, and I’ll be able to make sense. Suddenly, the room seems much brighter as a throaty voice sounds from behind me. “Let me clean up around the house while you write this recap,” someone says, and as I turn and stare, I realize that this is no hologram, no fever dream. Shirtless Marcel is standing in my living room, illuminating my messy apartment with his mega-watt smile. No way is this real life, I marvel. I’m glad I’m wearing clean pajamas as I stand and reach for the olive oil, thinking only of protecting Marcel’s skin from the dry winter air. Marcel adjusts his loincloth and—
Oh, hello there, I didn’t see you come in. Hang on while I put away this pitch for The Originals Goes To San Francisco, a Very Special Holiday Episode.
This week, Elijah is still stuck inside his own nightmares, forced to face a vision of himself as the monster that threatens his childhood self. Lesther has spelled Elijah with a sleep that can only be undone by the roots of a rare orchid, and Klaus is dead set on finding some, to help his brother wake up.
Meanwhile, Jackson is destroyed when no one comes to Oliver’s funeral except Hayley; he blames everyone but himself for their lack of loyalty. Hayley points out that the pack needs an alpha, not merely a really hot guy drinking Jim Beam. While Jackson grieves, Hayley sets out with Aiden to convince Marcel to take down Finncent and Koleb with Uncle Kieran’s witch-binding dark objects. They decide to use Cami as bait (a plan I support fully, particularly when she says to “make it look convincing.” What’s more convincing than death?).
Human Cardboard Cutout Cami “unprofessionally” tells Finncent that she would “get to know him better,” and because Finncent senses a kindred personality-less spirit, he jumps at the chance. On their date, Cami magically hears a phone call over the loud music and crowd, goes outside to take it, and Finncent comes outside to see her being attacked and kidnapped. Taking the bait, he tracks Cami to the church, where we learn that he’s not quite so dumb – he figures out the trick and snaps both Josh and Aiden’s necks.
Hayley and Finn face off, and just as Finncent gains the advantage, Jackson shows up, shoots Finncent in magnificent Katniss bow-and-arrow fashion, and definitely does not kiss Hayley despite my screaming at the TV for him to do so.
Klaus is out searching for the rare orchid while speaking with his father, Ansel, about how he regrets that Ansel was not the one to raise him. In a very sad moment, he notes that he realizes he would have been nurtured and cared for; instead, he’s paranoid and vengeful, and isn’t sure he can survive his love for his daughter. Which means, since Esther brought Ansel back, and uses love to twist everyone’s actions, he’s going to have to kill his own father before Ansel can betray him. Joseph Morgan’s man tears slay us all in this scene.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. Koleb and Davina are on a road trip to a crypt, which, by my estimation, is an expository mission designed to let Daniel Sharman talk and talk and talk. Koleb is adept with a special kind of magic (similar to alchemy) that involves using gigantic diamonds (I’m in) and holding Davina’s hand. Okay, sure.
In the end, Koleb is kidnapped (leading Davina to think he abandoned her and stole the stake, I believe), and ends up manacled to the stairs, along with Finncent, for Elijah and Klaus to torment. Let the sibling reunion shenanigans begin!
Oh, don't tease me, writers.
The Original Mythology
- The manacles bind witches from spells.
- Kamiya (chemia? Eh?) allows the practitioner to destroy one element to create another, like changing gold into silver.
The Original Body Count
- Klaus kills his own father, and somehow I can’t even blame him. Everything Lesther touches turns to crap.
The Original Elegant Uncle Elijah Ruined Suit Count: 3
- Elijah puts on a crisp, clean suit, and the fans sigh in relief. This is probably the longest he’s ever gone without destroying a suit.
The Original WTF
- I’m assuming that Lesther wasn’t keeping tabs on Klaus, Hayley, and Hope because she was already back in a new body when the baby was born. But are we really to believe this insane witch doesn’t somehow know about Hope still being alive?
- Speaking of that, does that mean Ansel (alive for four months) was resurrected after Hope was supposedly killed?
- Not going to lie; Cami’s line “I always thought a woman’s mouth on my neck would be more erotic,” made me grimace with both the terrible flatness of the line and the idea that anything involving HCC Cami could be erotic.
The Original Joseph Morgan Award For Tortured Hot People
Elijah’s awake, but Koleb’s voice (and inability to button a shirt) deserves the award -- to say nothing of the "We could make out, but that would be entirely distracting" line. JESUS, DAVINA, MAKE OUT WITH HIM. Who cares if he's a thousand year old sociopath? I'm not asking you to marry him!
Next episode: REBEKAH’S BACK!