Awkward! I missed you!!! Ok, well, I really only missed Ming. And Kyle. And new Tamara slang to try out in social settings. But whatevs, I'm glad you're back!
It's hard to believe that we've already been through two years of high school together, although technically we're only talking twelve episodes per season, which is a pretty light course load. Now Jenna is a junior! And she and Matty are together! So we don't have to deal with any more Team Matty vs Team Jake drama! Which means things are going to be a lot more boring mature from here on out. OBVS.
Now, let's bake some drama cakes and convo about the Season Three premiere!
Fave slang/phrase: Is it a bad sign that nothing really leaped out at me? Sure, there were some cute/obnoxious terms like "Pixelize us!" and a terrible "Fun House" euphemism, but the main line I loved was something that we heard in the Season Two premiere: "Commit legit." I guess I'll go with Jenna, who described Matty as "YOLO-ing." At least it's a term that can be easily inserted into every day conversation.
Matty or Jake (who won this episode): UGH. NEITHER. I might need to add Colin to this section because HELLO HANDSOME.
OMG moment: When Jake told Matty that Jenna thought she was pregnant. You know how in high school, when someone got called to the AP's office, and everyone sang, "BUuuUUUuSTED"? I totally had that kind of feeling for Jenna.
Here's what happened:
It's the first day of school, and Jenna hasn't seen Ming and Tamara all summer, because she's been "wrapped up in my cocoon with Matty." Jenna, DON'T BE THAT GIRL. While she's been getting sex touches from her man, a few things have changed, including Tamara's haircut. Our girl T is super cosmo thanks to her trip to Europe, where she totes bonded with Val (who's mom is on Team Matty, bee tee dubs) and learned that B.O. sounds a lot nicer when it's called "musk." Tamara and Jake, with a hip new 'do, are je t'aime-ing all over the place, and Ming finally got her period! Which is a big deal! Except not, because we only saw Ming for like two minutes in this episode. WAH-WAH.
How do you say PDA in French? Oh right. LE BARF.
Also, everyone is talking about Sadie being pregnant, but it turns out that she's something worse: POOR!
Jenna finds herself stuck in a creative writing class, where her teacher is OMG ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL! Dude has... aged. But hey, Kyle's in this class! HEY KYLE! Jenna is intimidated by Mr. Hall (like I'm gonna call him by his character's name) and his challenging demeanor, but it's easy to see that she needs this class-- and the hottie next to her named Colin! Oh Colin, PLEASE tell me you're here to shake things up in the romance department! (Also, this wasn't a slang term, but my favorite lines in this episode were the exchange between a student and Mr. Hall: "That would mean that no one would be in class." "And that's exactly what happened in 2009.")
After Mr. Hall asks the class, "Who do you want to be?" Jenna is having major angst. Because she... might be pregnant?! QUOI THE QUOI?! Apparently, she and Matty had a slip-up, and Teen Mom, having been down this road before, is really supportive. Jenna takes a pregancy test, and it's negative! SHWOO.
In other exciting news, RICKY SCHWARTZ IS DEAD?!! Wow, I said that I was tired of his shizz but DAMN WRITERS, THAT'S HARSH. He died in some freak accident involving peanuts, and he left behind lots of paintings, including a priceless one of him as a pimp. Keepin' it classy, Ricky, right til the end.
Of coure, the entire school goes overboard with grief, although no one does it better than Val, mourning Ricky's new life as a ghost with his "little vapor arms." Kyle, wearing a "Ricky Doesn't Live" t-shirt, organizes a vigil and passes out the Best Flier Ever Made, which features a small photo of Ricky above a huge picture of a skull covered in candle wax. "We're gonna pay tribute to Ricky. Or converse with the devil. Either way, it should be fun." Obvs, the writers heard my demands for more Kyle. THANK YOU.
While Matty is YOLO-ing and being all carpe diem in Jenna's pants, Tamara is convinced that she killed Ricky with her voodoo doll and some spells she bought from the internet. Oh honey, that only works when you're friends with Fairuza Balk. Jenna calms her down, then seeks solace in Val's office, and it's adorable to see how much their relationship has changed. Unfortunately, Val only has time for people who want to talk about Ricky, and she kicks Jenna out, then downgrades herself from VP to GC (Guidance Counselor) to help the grieving masses.
Apparently, YOLO stands for Being Shirtless and Wanting To Have Sex In a Gross Public Place Thereby Nullifying the Hotness of Said Shirtlessness.
Jenna and Teen Mom head to the lady doctor to get birth control (nice one, MTV!), and Teen Mom tells Jenna that girls always have to be vigilant. "Take control of your destiny and your body," she says, "because boys don't get pregnant. Girls do." It's a statement that sounds feminist until it doesn't, but I forgive Teen Mom, because her heart is in the right place, and also because she's just reading from a sign on the wall.
At Ricky's vigil, Matty shows Jenna that he's serious about her because WTF HE GOT A TATTOO? THAT SAYS "JENNA 4-EVA"?!! Please tell me that is not permanent. Oh Matty, you are losing ALL of the cred you built up in Season 2. At any rate, he agrees to take things a little slower physically with Jenna, although now that she's on birth control, she's no longer riding the Chastity Train.
Sadie shows up at the vigil and announces to the crowd that she actually hated Ricky, then Tamara follows suit. And so does Gay Clark! HOLLA GAY CLARK ILU! Tamara ends the ceremony with her signature eloquence: "Rest in peace, Ricky! You douchebag!"
Over at the keg, Jenna excitedly tells Jake that she's not pregnant (so she can party), and then he tells Matty. RUH-ROh. Matty confronts Jenna about it, and then he's so pissed, he decides he actually doesn't want to talk and walks away. Matty, all I can say is, YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED. EXHIBIT A, B, C & D:
So, what did y'all think? Overall, I had a great time seeing everyone again, but these two episodes didn't really impress me. They were lacking in that Awkward signature zing, and I got the feeling that the writers were trying a little too hard. Even the preview of upcoming action failed to get me excited. (Except for that one shot of Colin at the poetry reading, because DAMN. Well done, casting directors!) Obviously, I'll stay tuned, but if an abundance of Kyle can't save a series, I don't know what can.
Do you agree? Disagree? Hit me up in the comments!