Speedy Synopses:

Gotham 1x16: The Blind Fortune Teller

Jim and Lee's date to the circus—to watch the Flying Graysons, among other acts—is cut short by a fight between a clown and an acrobat. The disturbance leads to the discovery of a distraught son (with particularly red hair and an interesting smile) and a dead snake charmer, who got more than a little friendly with a number of the circus' performers, including the acrobat and the clown. Jim's investigation reveals a Montague and Capulet style feud between the Graysons and the other acrobat family, and an on-the-rocks love between two of the younger members of the families. When the circus' psychic pays Jim a visit to give him a message, Jim doesn't take him seriously, but Lee presses him to follow it up. The two find a piece of evidence that isn't what it seems, but Jim puts the pieces together and realizes that the distraught son is the murder, and the psychic, his secret father. The son isn't as distraught as he seemed to be in the beginning, and is even somewhat gleeful about getting rid of his "whore" of a mother. On a more cheerful note, Jim's case did bring the two young lovers back together, and they even talked about having a son ...

In the body part prison, Fish brought her people together and took a stand against the guards. Said stand involved a man being beaten to death, but Fish certainly made her point, and, at the end of the episode, was off to see The Manager, whoever that might be.

Additionally: Oswald, who's having an awful time running Fish's club, is payed a visit by Zsasz and a (supposedly) brainwashed Butch; Bruce makes a power play with the Wayne Enterprises board of directors; and Barbara returns to the penthouse and gets fashion advice from Poison Ivy and Catwoman Ivy and Selina (which was all for naught, since Babs' visit to see Jim was cut short when she walked in on Jim and Lee kissing in the locker room). (Mandy C.)

Agent Carter 1x7: Snafu

In the penultimate episode of Agent Carter's season (hopefully not series), all the plot chickens come home to roost, as both sides (SSR and Leviathan) are primed for what will be a wall-to-wall confrontation (on that note: oh damn, Carter and Dottie are going to be a barn-burner!). But first, a quick second for Chief Dooley. You were a cypher who tried to fill in the world-building blanks, but none of your Battle of Finow solo adventures really did pay off. In the end, you were sacrificed on the altar of of elevated stakes, but not after an implanted Norman Rockwell-esqe hallucination induced by Dr. Ivchenko got us to care more about you. Thank you for finally acknowledging Carter before jumping out of the SSR building before the prototype armor blew up everybody else.

From the three-way interrogation by Sousa, Thompson, and Dooley at the top of the episode, to Jarvis catching verbal fire, to finally offering up the truth on what happened on The Heartbreak, Carter was at her gahtdamn admonishing best. Saying what we were thinking this whole time, Carter spits hot fire on the whole goddamn system of bullshit gender roles at the SSR (and the way Jarvis portrays her in his falsified Howard Stark confession). Carter put it best on why she was running a side operation behind the SSR's back, that unless she had the men's “Reports, coffee, or lunch, I'm invisible."

Upon spying on Ivchenko's morse code communiques with Dottie, Carter convinces Thompson and Sousa to check out the adjacent building right before a compromised Dooley locks up Carter and Jarvis. He then makes off with Invention 17 for Ivchenko, who makes a break for it with Dottie. At the end of the episode we find out that Invention 17 is a chemical weapon which fills people with the kind of rage that makes them beat each other to death, as Dottie and Ivchenko disperse it into a (not so crowded) movie theater.

Next week's episode is going to be a slobberknocker, alright. (Paolo S.) 

The Flash 1x14: Fallout

We pick up right where we left off at the end of last week; post-mushroom cloud. Ronnie and Dr. Stein have successfully split and without leaving a trace of radiation. Team Flash runs all of the tests and, besides a slightly elevated body temperature, both men seem to be fine. Throughout the episode they realize that they still possess a psychic link to each other and Dr. Stein has a newfound passion for pizza (ha!). This link comes in handy after the Evil General Eiling manipulates Dr. Wells into handing over Dr. Stein; he wants F.I.R.E.S.T.O.R.M. as his ultimate military weapon. Ronnie is able to locate Dr. Stein using a pen knife (OUCH) and Morse code, and Barry swoops in to save the day.

Joe fills Barry in on the work he and Cisco did at his parents’ old house; he shows him the mirror imagery and tells him about the blood that's been shown to belong to Grown-Up Barry. When Barry realizes that this smacks of all things Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey he goes to Dr. Stein who confirms that Future Barry must be able to run fast enough to travel through time. Barry is burdened with the knowledge that he failed to save his mother and is determined that he won’t let that happen again. (Sidenote: if saving his mother means that another parent/foster parent has to die I may need a large bottle of tequila and a support group.) Joe and Barry continue to own my heart as they have another father/son bonding moment; Joe is worried that this new info is too much for Barry to bear, telling him that he’s also his emotional guardian. YOU GUYS..!

At the paper, Mr. Pulitzer himself tries to butter up Iris with a danish (really? JUST a danish?) in order to get her to research the Star Labs explosion; he believes all is not as it seems. When Iris meets Not-Ronnie later on (Caitlyn is passing him off as her cousin) she eventually puts two and two together while flipping through her files and seeing his flame-y face post-explosion. Pitting Iris against Team Flash (even unknowingly) isn’t going to do much to warm up an already lukewarm fanbase so hopefully this will all be resolved SOON.

Oh Dr. Wells. This tangled web of yours that you’ve woven and I have a love/hate relationship. You sold out Stein to protect Barry BUT you also saved Ronnie and Stein by sacrificing your quantum splicer so that they can merge/separate at will. I’d like to think that you did that for Caitlyn. You also took General Eiling down to the sewers AS REVERSE FLASH and handed him over to a certain large gorilla with a vendetta. Respect.

Caitlyn says to goodbye to Ronnie; he and Martin have to leave Central City to get ahead of the military. Too bad they don’t know about the gorilla in the sewer. It’s not the last we’ll see of FIRESTORM and it’s nice to see that Caitlyn has built a life and family for herself that keeps her firmly rooted in Ronnie’s absence.

Seriously y’all - I hope next years is the SEASON OF GRODD!

Arrow 3x14: The Return

Is it just me or was that episode about 75% flashback? Not that I’m complaining, even if Oliver’s flashback wig was at new levels of TERRIBAD. The flashback scenes juxtaposed nicely with where everyone was then and where they are now. Oliver had to go back to Starling City in pursuit of China White under Amanda Waller’s orders. He was told not to engage with anyone he knew ,so of course he did the exact opposite.

We see a struggling Thea, a otherwise occupied (absent) Moira, a drunk, grieving Quentin, a fraternal Tommy and a visiting Laurel. Seeing how his “death” has affected the people he loves tears Oliver up, even as he witnesses Tommy trying to keep Thea from ruining her life with drugs and recklessness. The glimpses of newly-employed security guard John Diggle (lolz) and his brother (sad pants) as well as a snooping Felicity Smoak brought the smiles this week.

In present day Thea and Oliver are sent to Lian Yu in order to train for their eventual battle against Ra’s. It was never going to be that simple though, not with Merlyn pulling the strings. He’s released Slade from the underground bunker. Thea Queen holds her own and even lets Slade live; Oliver does not want his sister to go down the same dark path he did. She shows amazing strength of character, especially considering that she finally wore Oliver down to admitting that he knows who killed Sara, and that it was Thea. I foresee Roy helping her get through this as he knows a little something about unintentionally murdering innocent people. Thea wants to tell Laurel; she’s sick of secrets but Oliver convinces her that this is not the way to go. Again, the paternalism with Laurel has GOT TO STOP ALREADY. She’s a grown woman, she will understand and she will support your fight against Ra’s and eventually Merlyn, damn!

Back in Starling a grieving Det. Lance is taking out his anger on Laurel. She finds him at Sara’s grave holding an unopened bottle of booze. It’s ugly and cruel and I hope the addict in him shuts the hell up after going to a couple of meetings. There was no easy way for her to tell you, dude and she’s been carrying that burden around for WEEKS. Have some compassion for your last living child already.

Flashback Oliver wants to stay in Starling (obvs) and Amanda Waller assures him that once they debrief him back in China he’s free to go. For some reason, he believes her.

Hero of the Week: Chief Dooley, Agent Carter

You weren’t a bad guy, Chief Dooley. You weren’t even the meatiest of all of the meatheads in your office. You were a damn good sleuth and, it turns out, a sad man who really missed his life at home with his wife and kids. In the end you did what had to be done for the greater good and admitted that you never really did right by Peggy Carter. A man who can admit that as he gets ready to plummet to his fiery death is a hero in my book.

Villain of the Week: Malcolm Merlyn, Arrow

This week was really tough. So many people making such terrible, selfish decisions but I’m pretty sure that trying to justify to your daughter why you drugged her into murdering her friend can’t be topped. Malcolm Merlyn, you never let us down with your new levels of scumbaggery.

Troy Barnes Award for Evoking The Feelz:

We all cried here, right? I mean, if you didn’t at least well up you may want to check that your heart is still actually IN your chest.

Ab-tastic:

Serious lack of abs this week. It will not stand! I know that DC released that Jason Momoa Aquaman pic (see below) BUT STILL.

Right in the Kisser:

Jim and Lee continue their smoochfest much to the chagrin of Barbara who catches them in the act on her way to make amends with Jim. Anyone else find it totally bizarre that Jim is all, “Sure, you can definitely come along on confidential police business and sit in with confidential interviews!” I’m not sure about Lee. I’m pretty sure that Morena Baccarin deserves a better show though.

No romance this week on Agent Carter, unless you count the scales dropping from every man’s eyes that works in Peggy’s office. Thankfully Sousa comes round in the end and believes Peggy’s full confession; hopefully trust can be rebuilt there.

Caitlyn is SO happy to have Ronnie back and safely separated from Dr. Stein. The world has changed a lot in a year and Ronnie wants them to leave Central City and start over. Caitlyn absolutely does not and when she has to say goodbye to Ronnie at the end for his own safety, it’s bittersweet but we know it’s not forever. She’s established a life for herself full of purpose and meaning outside of Ronnie and now they have to make room for each other in a different way than they did pre-explosion.

Biff! Bam! Pow!

courtesy of marysuepoots/tumblr.com

Comic Pages:

Pick of the Week: Bitch Planet #3, written by Kelly Sue DeConnick, illustrated by Robert Wilson IV

It's no secret that I am IN LOVE with this comic. I am ready to put a ring on it, and if that means getting over my fear of being repeatedly jabbed with a needle full of ink and getting a NC (non-compliant) tattoo to show my devotion than...I am almost very nearly ready to do that! 

This issue is devoted to the biggest, baddest, softest mama on BP, Penny Rolle. We see Penny grow up with her loving grandma only to be taken away for reasons never really explained. The Fathers (Big Brother) complain that she is too fat, too loud, just TOO MUCH and she needs to COMPLY. She tries her best, even owning her own bakery but there's only so much asshattery Penny can take. Thank you, Kelly Sue, for writing a story that every girl who felt that she was too fat (or too black, or too loud, or whose hair was not straight enough) to be loved for writing this book because it's clear that WE are not the problem. 

-A diversity win with Silk, the newest Asian-American hero to get her own book! Silk #1 came out this past Wednesday and it features Cindy Moon, a young woman bitten by the same spider as Peter Parker (gaining the same powers) and isolated from the world for the better part of a decade. She struggles being around others and is coming to terms with her new identity as a hero, as well as being a reporter for the Daily Bugle in the hopes it will aid her in finding her missing family.

-Invader Zim is going to be a comic! ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM!

-Finalists for the Dwayne McDuffie Award (celebrating diversity in comics) include Shaft and Ms. Marvel, which should be enough to tell you to check out the whole list of finalists.

News and Notes:

-Steven Spielberg would like to continue his tradition of directing ALL of the Indiana Jones movies, thanks very much.

-Remember when that ass-kicking 11-yr old girl wrote DC Comics last month frustrated about the lack of relatable girl heroes and the ridiculousness of gendered toys? DC has turned her into an actual hero!

ADORABLE.

-DC’s Lucifer has been picked up for a pilot while its Constantine continues to be on the struggle.

-ICYMI (and really, how could you miss it): First pic of Jason Momoa as Aquaman released, sets everyone’s panties on fire:

OH HI THERE.

-Three actors have been added to the cast of Jessica Jones, including a hottie vampire from The Originals. NICE.

-Kodi Smit-McPhee has been cast to play a young Nightcrawler in X-Men: Apocalypse. Geez, how big is this cast going to get??

Give me your thoughts, y'all! Has Gotham gotten too ridiculous for words? Are you sort of crushing on Black Widow Dottie Underwood but ashamed to admit it? How many of you are worried for Barry's OTHER parents now that he's determined to save his mom?

Welcome back to our TV Preview series! We’re here to check out TV’s midseason offerings (which we highlighted in our TV Preview: Midseason Shows post) and voice our opinions on what’s good, what’s bad, what’s meh, and what you can avoid at all costs.

Warning! Possible spoilers ahead.

The Odd Couple

Premiered: Feb. 19 on NBC (Watch online.)

Twitter Pitch

Another remake. Another missed opportunity for Matthew Perry. #RIPFriends #RIPMrSunshine #RIPGoOn

Familiar Faces

Matthew Perry as Oscar Madison

Yvette Nicole Brown as Dani

Leslie Bibb as Casey

Thomas Lennon as Felix Unger

Wendell Pierce as Teddy

Dave Foley as Roy

Lindsay Sloane as Emily

Redeeming Qualities

Emily: Matthew Perry and Thomas Lennon. I like them individually, and I think they have good chemistry together. Also, I know it's a set, but that apartment and view are amazing! I just want to watch the show to pretend I live there.

Mandy: I do enjoy Matthew Perry (I actually really enjoyed his last shows, the short-lived Mr. Sunshine and Go On.) The show also has a really stylish intro; the minimalist look is something I dig.

It's Not Me, It's You

Emily: Did anyone else have trouble hearing the dialogue over the volume of the laugh track? I don't watch many shows that have laugh tracks, but it was extremely noticeable, especially since I wasn't really laughing. Maybe that's why it felt like Matthew Perry was yelling all of his lines.

Mandy: The laugh track, the awkward interactions, the really obvious “I’m making a joke now” lines that weren’t funny. There are so many things I could bring up that I didn’t enjoy about this show. Also: Gay jokes? Really?

Let's Do This Again

Emily: I don't currently watch any CBS comedies, and I don't think this is going to make me start. I'm guessing this is pretty on par with how the others started out, and I really hope it does well for both of their careers. It's just not for me.

Mandy: I never watched the original The Odd Couple, but I’m pretty sure this remake would not make the original creators nor stars proud. The whole episode seemed forced and poorly acted, and I know the people in it can do so much better. I’m not going to bother with this one again.

Did you watch The Odd Couple? If so, let us know your thoughts below!

The Road So Far

Hey, Supernatural superfans! Join me for week thirteen of the rewatch projects which pits the Winchesters against some tried and true horror baddies, vampires and zombies.

Let’s toast to the classics!

THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME

Take a drink every time:

•  Dean or Sam flashes a badge

•  A demon possesses some hapless schmuck

•  Sam tries to talk about feelings only to be spurned by Dean

•  Dean crams his face full of junk food

•  Anyone makes a deal with a demon

•  Either brother picks a lock

•  Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias

•  The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty

2x3: Bloodlust

Monster of the Week: Vampires/Man’s Inhumanity to (Supernatural) Man

We open with a scared lady tearing ass through the woods. She trips, she falls, she hides, and for a moment it looks as if she might escape the hooded figure stalking her. Alas. In a scary jump cut, he catches her and lops off her head with a sickle.

Hers is not the first head to be so lopped, we learn, as the boys blaze toward her town in the newly restored Impala! Decapitations are rampant as are mutilated cows. Posing as reporters, Sam and Dean interview the town sheriff who has a mustache so magnificent, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t share it with you.

You’re welcome, darlings.

He of the superb ‘stache is not impressed with Dean’s insinuation that Satanists might be involved in the murders and sends them packing. Later, the boys discover the murdered girl was actually a vampire and they decide to go looking for her nest, starting at the local biker bar.  A shady character eavesdrops as they question the bartender and follows them as they leave. But the Winchesters are one step ahead, ambushing him in the alley and demanding (at knifepoint) to see his teeth.

Weirdest mugging, ever.

But it’s no vampire. It’s Gordon! He’s another hunter, primarily of vampires. He tells the boys that this case is his, but if they’re interested he’s heard rumors of a chupacabra two states over. Which reminds me, why haven’t I ever seen a Winchester battle a chupacabra? Correct that, CW! Anyway, for now Sam and Dean follow Gordon against his wishes. Good thing too, as they rescue him when he gets into some heat with a vampire in a machinist shop. Dean doesn’t just take the vampire out. He uses a table saw to take off its head.

No horseplay in shop class!

Sam is disturbed by the unnecessary roughness Dean uses in dispatching the vampire and the way he celebrates with Gordon. He calls Ellen, who tells him Gordon’s bad news and to stay away.

While Dean drinks with Gordon, Sam is abducted from the motel parking lot by a couple of vampires. They take him back to their leader, Lenore, who insists they don’t drink human blood, living off cattle instead. She just wants to be left alone, and asks that the hunters just let them leave town without killing any more of her crew. He asks how he can believe her, and she replies by letting him walk, unharmed.

He's never been so gently tied to a chair.

It’s enough to convince Sam. He tries to get Dean on board, by saying their job is hunting evil, and Lenore isn’t evil. Dean says Sam’s wrong, the job is exerterminating all supernatural creatures, evil or not.

But Dean soon changes his tune. The boys walk in on Gordon torturing Lenore by stabbing her repeatedly with a blade coated in Dead Man’s Blood. When Sam tries to stop him, Gordon pulls a knife on him. He tries to convince the brothers that vampires can’t be good, saying that when his own sister was turned, he hunted her down and killed her. Then he slashes Sam’s arm and holds it over Lenore’s mouth. But she resolutely refuses to drink. Dean trains a pistol on Gordon, telling Sam to take the vampire to safety. The two gruff hunters duke it out and Dean emerges the victor, tying Gordon to a chair so that the vampires have some time to flee town.

Brotherly Angst Quotient: Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Dean thinks Gordon is supercool. Afer trading hunter origin stories at their vampire-slaying afterparty, Dean really opens up to him, saying that ever since Papa died, it’s like a hole has opened up inside him that only gets bigger and darker. Gordon questions whether this is actually a problem. Hate will only make Dean a better killer. Later, Sam calls Dean on his weirdly intense immediate liking of Gordon, saying he thinks he’s just looking for a Papa-substitute. Dean takes this well.

Just kidding.

But later, Dean comes through for Lenore, proving he still has some empathy sloshing around his cold, dark heart. What's more, he begins to second-guess his past kills. After all, if Lenore’s okay, maybe that means he’s killed creatures that also didn’t deserve death. He admits that the hatred he carries around for supernatural beings might not be entirely reasonable/healthy. Sam is so proud, he doesn’t even punch Dean in the face when he offers to let him take a free shot to make them even.

Yellow-Eyed Demon: Not mentioned

How Drunk Are We?: Three drinks due to feelings and badge flashes.

The Quotable Winchesters: “Give you a couple of severed and a pile of dead cows and you’re Mr. Sunshine.” –Sam on Dean’s rare good mood.

Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:

Dean really loves his dad’s car.

Notable Cameos:

Amber Benson, of Buffy plays vegetarian vampire, Lenore.

Sterling K. Brown of Army Wives and Person of Interest plays Gordon

Ty Olsson of The 100 plays another vampire.

2x4: Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things

Monster of the Week: Zombie

A broken-hearted girl drives down the highway, sobbing. She answers a call from a cheating ex boyfriend and promptly gets into an accident.

Meanwhile, the boys are in town to visit their mother’s grave. While Sam buries Papa’s dog tags in her plot, Dean notices a weird circle of dead grass around the car crash victim’s grave. He thinks something is off, and it turns out he’s right when the dead girl appears in her ex-boyfriend’s house, slashing his throat.

The boys get their salt and shovels and prepare to have a ghost roast. But when they dig the girl up, her body’s not there and the casket’s covered with runic carvings. It turns out the girl had a creepy guy friend who was always in love with her, and he used his knowledge of ancient Greek rituals to bring her back from the dead.  Dean is not happy.

“Sure, buddy,” say all the Crossroads Demons, rolling their eyes in unison.

But the creepy friend is having problems of his own. His zombified crush is acting different now that she’s back from the dead. She’s all handsy and is also sneaking out of the house to murder people. Next on her list? The roommate who had an affair with her boyfriend. She attacks the girl with a pair of scissors. Sam and Dean manage to save the other woman, but they fail to kill the zombie, giving her time to snap the neck of the friend who summoned her. Later, she catches Sam alone and says that’s she still a person, and she didn’t ask for this. Surprisingly, Sam doesn’t buy it and puts one in her brainpan.

“I thought you were supposed to be the sweet one.”

She gives them chase through the graveyard where Dean lures her to her own grave and then drives a stake through her heart, nailing her to the casket and finally killing her.

Brotherly Angst Quotient: Foreboding

At Mama Winchester’s grave, Sam is concerned.

 
I can tell because he uses his concerned face.

He’s tired of watching Dean tailspin, afraid that he’s going to lose him. Dean, as per usual, doesn’t want to talk about it. But at the end of the episode he relents, saying that he’s freaked because he knows there’s a connection between his miraculous recovery and Papa’s death. He thinks he shouldn’t have come back from the dead, it wasn’t natural, and that only misery will come from it. He asks Sam what he can say to make that better, and for one shining moment, Sammy shuts his cakehole.

Yellow-Eyed Demon: Not mentioned.

How Drunk Are We?: Only one drink, darlings.

The Quotable Winchesters: “Our lives are weird, man.” –Sam.

Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:

Notable Cameos:

Tamara Feldman of Gossip Girl plays the zombie.

Chrisopher Jacot of Eureka plays the zombie summoner.

Next week: Dean and Jo team up to hunt the ghost of H.H. Holmes, the creepiest serial killer in Ameria's history. 

BOOK REPORT for Soulprint by Megan Miranda

Cover Story: Literal Big Face
BFF Charm: Yay!
Swoonworthy Scale: 3
Talky Talk: Many Monologues
Bonus Factors: Reincarnation, Prison Break, Conspiracy
Relationship Status: Fellow Party Guest That You Strike Up a Convo with But End Up Forgetting About Afterwards

Cover Story: Literal Big Face

OK, so this would be even more accurate for a book called Facepunch Faceprint, but it's still pretty on the nose. And wayyyyy better than the watery, helix-y conjoined heads of the paperback/Kindle cover, because WHAT. 

However, both covers have whitewashed -- or, rather, ambiguous-washed the half-Hispanic main character, so it's a double Big Face fail times two. 

The Deal:

Alina Chase has spent most of her seventeen years on a secluded island. That might sound like it has a lot of potential for awesome, but she's actually imprisoned there. Alina's big crime? Being born. Sort of.

You see, technology can track souls passing through different lives. Alina's has the misfortune of belonging to notorious criminal June Calahan in the previous life. And now Alina's paying for what June did, big time. At least, until a group of teens help her escape from her prison. But what's in it for them? Can they be trusted? More importantly, can Alina herself be trusted to avoid the criminal inklings of her past self?

BFF Charm: Yay

Alina's never really had any friends on account of, y'know, being sequestered in an island prison for most of her life. But resigned to her fate, she is certainly not. Even before the rescue mission, Alina's been preparing for escape on her own, training her body in secrecy to endure the rigors of such a feat. Her plight to be recognized as her own person goes far beyond the typical teenage #strugglebus for individuality; her actual freedom is at stake. I totally felt for her wanting to break free not only physically, but of the unfair expectations and prejudices that have plagued her life.

Swoonworthy Scale: 3

Alina forges a connection with one of guys that liberates her from her prison (not a euphemism for 'pants'). I found their relationship to be pleasant but snoozy; they're definitely into each other more than I am into them as a couple.

Talky Talk: Many Monologues

While Megan Miranda's world is well thought out, it does favour science-fantasy more than science-fiction -- as to be expected when the concept of souls is so integral to the story. I don't need nuts 'n bolts hard sci-fi to buy into a story, but this still required more suspension of disbelief than I'd normally afford this genre.

Because this story is told from only Alina's point of view, everything the reader learns about June is through Alina, so there's a fair bit of expositional dialogue. I generally don't care for not enough show and too much tell, and this book was no exception. But props for a creative premise, and a standalone at that. 

Bonus Factor: Reincarnation

Getting punished for what your past life did is such a raw deal. You have no recollection of what happened, but you have to pay for it anyway? Wouldn't that just be motivation to wreak havoc just before you die, since some other sucker would be saddled with the consequences? (No? Just me with the anarchy streak, then?)

Alina being imprisoned for June's crimes does seem to be the exception, not the rule, so most people wouldn't have to worry about their former selves' lapses in judgment. However, it still sets a dangerous precedence that someone can and will be punished for what they did in another life. 

(This book also had me wondering why souls usually inhabit the same gender from life to life -- although that part does get a brief mention -- and if reincarnation as a different species is possible. SO MANY QUESTIONS.)

Bonus Factor: Prison Break 

The plan to help Alina escape involves infiltrating her prison in order to break her out. Although spoiler alert: no one gets a full-torso tat for the occasion.

Bonus Factor: Conspiracy

What did June Calahan do for Alina Chase to pay so heavily for her crimes? Well, there's what the world knows, and then there's what actually happened. As you might suspect, the two aren't exactly the same.

Casting Call:

Lindsey Morgan as Alina

Sara Paxton as June

I had such a difficult time recalling her name, so I kept thinking of her as Aquamarine until I looked it up.

Relationship Status: Fellow Party Guest That You Strike Up a Convo with But End Up Forgetting About Afterwards

This book and I hit it off like we were old friends -- or like we knew each other in another life (YEAHHHH...!). I didn't know how its story would unfold, so I was eager to learn more. It kept me entertained, but once the party was over, so too was our brief friendship. 

FTC Full Disclosure: I received my free review copy from Bloomsbury. I received neither money nor froyo for writing this review (dammit!). Soulprint is available now.

All month long, FYA Book Clubs around the world have been reading Marie Rutkoski's The Winner's Curse. There's only have one more agonizing week to go until the sequel, The Winner's Crime, is released, so there's no time like the present to place your bets on what will happen next!

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE WINNER'S CURSE, OBVS.

From Amanda K., member of the San Francisco FYA Book Club:

A rival in the Imperial court will find out about Kestrel/Arin and use it to blackmail Kestrel!

From Britt, member of the San Francisco FYA Book Club: 

Prediction: The emperor's son is gay. It's why the emperor is desperate to marry him off, to keep up appearances and make sure the family line continues. Kestrel and the emperor's son initially detest being stuck together but eventually find out each other's secrets (Kestrel catches him with a hot stableboy, perhaps?) and become friends out of solidarity to protect each other's secrets... and work together to outsmart the emperor and get what they want. (If this isn't the plot of the sequel, I totally have my next fanfiction idea.)

From the Edmonton FYA Book Club (aka my chapter!): 

Given how much we loved the first book, the amount of gloom and doom that we predicted is a bit alarming. WHY WOULD WE DO THAT TO OURSELVES?!

Jessa was taken aback by how easily Arin seemed to accept Kestrel's vapid, ladder-climbing act at the end of Book 1, while Elizabeth's hoping for more demonstrations of Kestrel's strategic strengths moving forward. Basically: Kestrel and Arin need to be the smart cookies that we know them to be!

Jessa also predicted that General Trajan will die, probably at the hands of someone Kestrel loves. Possible culprits: Arin (noooo!), the emperor, and JESS. Her last words in The Winner's Curse had implored Kestrel to avenge their people, which convinces Elizabeth and Talea that Jess will become eeeeevil. (Or, at least, against Kestrel.) Ronan, on the other hand, would die a noble and heroic death, according to Talea, and I like the possible dichotomy of these two siblings becoming polar opposites in ideology.

Speaking of siblings, Elizabeth thinks that a definitive explanation to what happened to Arin's sister is forthcoming. The first book did hint at her fate, but kept the gory details thankfully under wraps. I don't know why we would want that unwrapped, other than an intense desire to cry many tears.

As for the major plot points, Jessa thinks the wedding between Kestrel and the emperor's son will take place in Book 2, and that the empire will be overthrown in Book 3. The real intrigue for Talea is what the prince will be like; maybe he'll be awesome and fight alongside Kestrel. Elizabeth wonders if he'll be a psycho or a womanizer, but hopes he'll use his powers for good when he eventually succeeds his father; the prince being evil would be too easy, so a completely platonic relationship between him and Kestrel would be welcome. So, too, would an Arin/Kestrel/prince love triangle, or an OTP of Ronan and the prince. (Please note that when this topic was brought up, there was a Freudian slip of meaning 'love triangle' and saying 'threesome'. Polyandry!) I have no idea what I want the prince to be like; none of the options sound good enough in theory, because none of them are Arin omgggggg. So in Marie I trust for this one. 

And who will Kestrel end up with at the end of the series? Jessa and Talea pick Bachelor No. 3, the prince (with 1 and 2 being Arin and Ronan). Elizabeth says Arin all the way; OMG I HOPE SO, since he and Kestrel actually are lives ruined, bloodshed EPIC. But it's for that same reason that I could also see them ending très tragically, and Talea wouldn't be surprised if one of them died, either. Like I said, WHY WOULD WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?! 

But the only burning question that I have might not even be answered when Book 2 is released. Inquiring minds want to know: what will be the colour of Kestrel's fancy dress on the third cover?!? 

Green would be a nice colour on her, esp. since it matches her eyes. Something like yellow would probably wash her out. White is a bit too bridal, as well as similar to the concept of Kiera Cass' The One. Orange could be good, but maybe too bold against the rest of the colours? Then again, what is Kestrel if not bold? And ORANGES, ARIN LOVES ORANGES. Or maybe because Book 3 is called The Winner's Kiss, the dress will be red? (Not sure where they'd get Revlon in Valoria, though.) I'm personally leaning towards purple, as it'd be regal and a mix of the two previous colours. 

Such a hotly contested debate won't be solved by me arguing with myself alone! What do y'all think?

(Obviously, the cover trend for this series is not going to die, so WE MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY THE RIDE.)

So what do y'all think will happen in The Winner's Crime? Let's speculate wildly in the comments! PLEASE NO BOOK 2 SPOILERS from anyone who's already read it. You're more than welcome to contribute outlandish theories based on knowledge from the first book, and to giggle at our naivety from the privacy of your own screen. But please don't be a jerksicle and deliberately spoil the book for anyone else! We can talk all things Book 2 in the spoiler section of the book report's comments next week!

Psst -- there's still time to enter our giveaway for The Winner's Crime!

Welcome back to the YA Movie News Roundup! Let's hop to.

Sony has nabbed the rights to Scott McCloud's graphic novel The Sculptor, with Scott Rudin (The Way Back, Clueless, No Country for Old Men, a million other titles) producing. 

“The Sculptor” centers on a young man who has made a deal with Death to sculpt anything he can imagine with his bare hands. Complications arise when he meets the love of his life with 200 days to live.

Read Jennie's FYA review here. 

Did you know that Fifty Shades easily passed the Bechdel Test? I know, I never would have guessed, either! Also author E.L. James is insisting on penning the screenplay for the sequel. 

Universal's producing an adaptation of Newbery winner The Princess in Black, by Shannon Hale and Dean Hale. Sounds cool: 

The heroine is Princess Magnolia, who by day wears the obligatory flouncy dresses, but by night becomes the Princess in Black. The book marries the princess tradition with the superhero genre, a wish-fulfillment tale for contemporary young girls who like their pink dresses and tea parties with a side of combat boots and riding into battle on horseback.

Dr. Seuss returns! 

Emma Thompson might join Emma Watson (and maybe Ryan Gosling?) as Mrs. Potts in the live-action adaptation of Beauty and the Beast! Trelawney and Hermione, together again.

Insurgent is getting even weirder with some virtual reality.

Rainbow Rowell talks about writing the adaptation of her own Eleanor & Park. Read the FYA review here. 

In not YA but relevant to our interests news: 

OH HEY, Empire Records is gonna be a real place where you can hang out for a couple of days!

Tonight the final two episodes of Parks and Recreation air, and I said a long, teary farewell to my hero Leslie Knope over at Badass Digest.

BOOK REPORT for Everybody Knows Your Name by Andrea Seigel and Brent Bradshaw

Cover Story: Cute
BFF Charms: Platinum, Love
Swoonworthy Scale: 8
Talky Talk: He Said, She Said
Bonus Factors: Reality TV, Hollywood
Relationship Status: Hooked

This book follows the romance between two teen contestants competing on a reality show that's basically The Voice meets The Real World. So yeah, obviously you want to check out the rest of my review over at our series on Kirkus.

Last week, on The O.C.

Follow the whole rewatch here!

Welcome back to The O.C. Rewatch Project! I'm so pumped about season 2 right now. Last week, Meredith asked me how I feel about the new kids on the O.C. block, so here it is: I love Zach, who - like Summer - has the potential to encourage Seth's maturity and personal growth. I firmly believe we should all live by Taylor Swift's girl code: when you see someone you think is amazing, you should try to be their friend and learn positive things from them rather than be jealous and petty. Same goes for Seth here. Moving on, I am also a huge fan of Olivia Wilde's Alex, who is THE COOLEST and can also teach Seth how to be better. Seth has so many learning opportunities. Then there's Lindsay, who I also like - to an extent. She eventually gets a little too melodramatic for my taste, but not for Ryan's, obvi. And finally, DJ. Yeah, he's cute, I guess, but he's kind of the human equivalent of a shrug.

Let's drink to Alex, who is a total BOSS.

The O.C. Drinking Game

Drink Once every time:

The ladies have a convo while primping in front of a mirror

Seth makes a nerdy reference

Someone says "Chino"

Anyone plays a video game

Summer says "ew"

Anyone eats a bagel

Summer calls Zach "Duckie"

Anyone references The Valley

Drink Twice every time:

Someone says "Newpsie"

Fisticuffs occur (three times for pool fights!)

Someone grabs a cup of coffee

Ryan and Seth read comic books

Someone reminds us that Kaitlin Cooper exists

On to the episodes!

2.04 "The New Era"

As the title of the episode implies, there are some new beginnings going on - or at least people are deluding themselves into thinking so. Julie Cooper is the head of the Newport Group, and although at first she embarrasses herself with a lack of knowledge in the board room, she later asserts her particular set of skills at an impromptu party, impressing Kirsten just enough to make her believe that this might be okay.

Seth believes he is in the midst of a new era, and although he's nowhere near being over Summer, he sets about trying to pick a new girlfriend out of the yearbook (ew), and pointing out girls on the quad who might be OK with dating him (gross, Seth, stop). Good thing Lindsay shows up to snap Seth and Ryan out of their sexist game - which they don't think is sexist because they're not grossly objectifying women by discussing body parts. Seth thinks Lindsay might be good for him, so he convinces Ryan to set up a "group hang," where Alex will be Ryan's date and Lindsay will be Seth's and they'll all go see The Killers perform and there will magically be zero drama. Hilarious.

Marissa thinks now might be a good time to stop dating, after the DJ-Ryan drama, and I've never agreed with her more, but after running into Ryan during his "group hang" and into DJ, who came with friends and not specifically to see her, Marissa feels pretty lonely, so she retreats to her pouty beach spot to pout. DJ shows up and decides they should date anyway, so Marissa gets what she wants, as usual, although it does feel like she's just hooking up with DJ for the sake of hooking up with him and distracting herself from Ryan - much the same way that Seth is just looking for a lady to distract him from Summer, but no woman will ever be enough for that. Except for maybe Alex...

Lindsay can't tolerate Seth's whining about Summer, and Summer can't tolerate Seth's weird attempts to remain in her life, which are causing her to talk about his existence more than Zach would like. But Alex sees something cute and likable in Seth, and hey, it's Olivia Wilde, so... I'd probably forget about my ex, too, if I were hanging with her for more than three seconds.

Naturally, Ryan and Lindsay end up together, but we all saw that coming from the moment he ran into her last week. Lindsay could be good for Ryan - she's very much the opposite of Marissa, though I do think she takes herself a little too seriously. Then again, so does Ryan sometimes.

And over in the world of adults, Caleb is keeping secrets from Sandy, who spied him giving a mysterious woman an envelope full of cash. Caleb warns Sandy that he doesn't want to meddle in his private affairs, lest he get burned. Oh snap. Sandy has taken his lawyer gig solo for the time being, and Caleb is his only client - but if he can win Caleb's case, Sandy might just establish enough cred to attract more business and effectively get him away from those Cheetos.

How many times did I have to drink? 12

Truest thing anyone said all week: When DJ reconciles with Marissa, he's all, "Guess I better prepare myself for some drama, huh?" And Marissa is like, "You have no idea," and I nod my head vigorously in agreement. RUN DJ, RUN.

Worst outfit of the week: Marissa really wants to one-up Summer's hideous outfit from last week with this ill-advised ensemble. I'm already sincerely against hats, but this one is particularly egregious.

Ugh, Seth: Seth is so terrible on his "date" with Lindsay. I'm surprised she put up with it for as long as she did.

Most recognizable song: If you lived through the '00s at all, you recognize every song from the set The Killers played at The Bait Shop. Alex was very into it because live music is her life. This isn't a game, son.

Best pop culture reference:

Next ep!

2.05 "The SnO.C."

There is some very basic drama happening during "The SnO.C.," an episode named for Harbor's winter dance/ball (no one can seem to make up their minds about which thing it is). Marissa's myopic white privilege is showing, for one: she doesn't invite DJ to the dance because she thinks it's not his thing and she doesn't want him to deal with her mom freaking out in front of everyone. As Ryan points out later, since when does Marissa miss an opportunity to ruin Julie's life? This really shows how much she likes DJ. As Ryan also points out, Marissa's just assuming that DJ wouldn't be into the school dance, and I think Ryan would know a thing or two when it comes to people making assumptions about others based on their background. Just because DJ is the "yard guy" doesn't mean he's not into school dances.

Okay, so when I say there is some very basic drama happening in this episode, I mean Basic with a capital B. Summer takes every opportunity to bicker with and tease Seth to the point where Zach doesn't think Summer's over it, even if Seth is moving on - or trying to - with Alex. Zach decides not to go to the dance with Summer, and after Lindsay tells Ryan they should probably just be friends to avoid the inevitable drama of breaking up, Ryan decides to go to the dance alone. And after Alex shuts Seth down (and proves that kissing is NBD by making out with a dude and a lady in front of him), Seth is going alone. You know where this is going. Seth and Summer go as friends and Ryan and Marissa go as friends, and everything seems to be pretty okay.

Zach doesn't think it's okay, and after he shows up and discovers Seth and Summer dancing together, he shakes them up with this hilarious and sad newsflash:

Then Zach storms off to soothe his sorrows with a chocolate soda at The Bait Shop, where Alex advises him to fight for his lady. Naturally, he doesn't exactly take this the right way, so he ends up returning to the dance and punching Seth's precious face.

There's a whole lot of hesitance and weird back-and-forth stuff this week: Alex isn't sure about Seth because she doesn't need a whole relationship situation, but by the end of the episode, she's into it again. Lindsay isn't sure about Ryan because she's scared to take a chance (reasonable), but by the end of this episode, they're making out and playing video games together. Marissa isn't sure that DJ is the kind of guy she can take to social functions or introduce to her friends, but he proves her wrong. Zach isn't sure that Summer is over Seth, but by the end of the episode, they're okay. See what I mean? Basic.

In grown-up world, Caleb doesn't want to tell Sandy about his affair with Renee Wheeler, which resulted in a child, but Sandy finally gets it out of him - and it's sort of anticlimactic. There's more foreshadowing with Kiki and a bottle of wine, which fills me with dread.

But possibly my favorite moment this week is when Jimmy prevents Julie from causing a scene with Marissa and DJ at the dance, reminding her of their relationship when they first met. Jimmy's parents threatened to cut him off if he didn't stay away from Julie, but that didn't stop him. All that chemistry that's been brewing in the last couple of episodes bubbles over and Julie can't keep herself from making out with Jimmy. Uh oh.

How many times did I have to drink? 14

The Social Event of the week: The winter dance! Or the winter ball. Or The SnO.C. Whatever. Marissa and Summer actually look really cute in their formal wear.

Most recognizable song: Winter dance playlist: "Desperate Guys" by The Faint, "Cool" by Gwen Stefani, "Closer" by Dirty Vegas, "Let It Die" by Feist, and "Lay Lady Lay" (cover) by Magnet & Gemma Hayes.

Best pop culture reference: Seth, appreciating Marissa's winter dance aesthetic:

Best fashion choice: Lindsay's "Freudian slippers" make me want to be her friend so I can borrow them and then she'll be like, "Oh, they're so much cooler on you. You can keep them!" And then we'll eat ice cream and hug and she can teach me science.

Secrets, secrets are no fun: By now, even those of you who are watching this series for the first time probably figured out who Renee Wheeler's daughter is even before the final moment of the episode. It was too obvious, right?

--

That's it for this week! I have a question for Meredith for next week: when you were watching the show for the first time, did you figure out Caleb's "big secret" before it was revealed, or were you shocked by the revelation?

See you guys back here next week when Meredith covers "The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn't" (LUCKY) and "The Family Ties."

Back at FYA HQ, in our Top Secret Heartthrob Selection Lab, we had heated debates regarding who belonged in our brackets. Lines were drawn, flags were waved, dance battles were danced, and we knew that there was no way every deserving hot dude could make it into March Madness. Sure enough, there were over one hundred comments on our call for wildcards -- and now it's up to you to pick between the two highest-ranked candidates.

First, the main bracket:

And now, drumroll please...your 2015 March Madness wildcard candidates!

Shane West

(Once and Again, A Walk to Remember)

vs.

Jordan Rodrigues

(Dance Academy, Camp, The Fosters)

Who will go up against Baby Leo?  Help us decide by voting before Thursday at 11:59pm CST!

BOOK REPORT for Beastkeeper by Cat Hellisen

Cover Story: Montell Jordan
BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 4
Talky Talk: Tale as Old as Time
Bonus Factors: Retelling, Talking Animals
Relationship Status: Bound Together

Cover Story: Montell Jordan

This cover is so gorgeous I want to frame it and hang it on my wall. There is nothing that I don’t absolutely love about it, from the colors to the silhouettes to the creatures lurking in the castle and trees.

The Deal:

Sarah knows when it’s time to move, just by a certain quality in the air or a faraway look in her mother’s eyes. She’s moved every year for as long as she can remember. When her mother suddenly leaves her and her father to fend for themselves, Sarah starts looking for answers. But before she can find out what’s happening, her father sends her to live with grandparents she didn’t even know she had, deep in the woods.

Where is her mother? Why did her father abandon her, too? Why is her grandmother so cruel, and why is her grandfather locked away in a room? Sarah suspected her family was under some sort of curse, but she couldn’t have guessed that when she falls in love, she will turn into a beast…forever.

BFF Charm: Yay

Sarah is determined, curious, and brave…and she’s only thirteen! When she’s sent off to live with people she barely knows in a castle full of secrets, she doesn’t let that stop her from trying to unravel the mystery of her lineage. Heck yeah she gets my BFF charm.

Swoonworthy Scale: 4

This isn’t really a swoony book, but there is a charming, mysterious boy who helps Sarah find her answers – and it’s impossible not to swoon over him a little.

Talky Talk: Tale as Old As Time

Hellisen’s prose is perfectly suited for a modern fairy tale. It’s not flowery, but rather peppered with gorgeous descriptions such as “She could well believe the half-fallen castle was as thick with ghosts as it was with dust and cobwebs,” and “Sarah took a hesitant sip of her tea. It tasted like a toothache.”

The sense of atmosphere Hellisen creates, especially, takes this from a mere middle-grade novel that maybe your little sibling would enjoy, to a timeless fairy tale that anyone could love. It’s not just a Beauty and the Beast retelling, but a story of family, jealousy, betrayal, and rising above certain legacies.

Bonus Factor: Retelling

I love a good retelling, whether Shakespeare or fairy tales, and especially the way Beastkeeper is an interesting twist on a classic tale.

Bonus Factor: Talking Animals

Am I the only one who finds Disneyland sinister, and not just because it costs $99 just to get in? All the talking animals just aren’t right, I tell you, and neither is the one that appears in this book. It’s deliciously creepy, but I’ll be staying away from Golden Gate Park at night.

Casting Call:

Megan Charpentier as Sarah

Ross Lynch as Alan

Nix the bleached-blonde hair, and he’d be perfect for a charming trickster living in the woods.

Maggie Smith as Nanna

Relationship Status: Bound Together

I’m totally under your spell, book, and I couldn’t put you down even if I tried.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a free review copy from Henry Holt & Company. I received neither money nor a pet unicorn for writing this review, despite how hard I wished for one.  Beastkeeper is available now.

BOOK REPORT for A Wicked Thing (A Wicked Thing #1) by Rhiannon Thomas

Cover Story: End of the Night Fancy Dress
BFF Charm: Eventually
Swoonworthy Scale: 4
Talky Talk: Tale as Old as Time
Anti-Bonus Factor: Cliffhanger
Relationship Status: Call Me, Maybe

Cover Story: End of the Night Fancy Dress

There comes a point in every Fancy Dress-wearing girl’s evening that she just can’t dance anymore, she just can’t make small talk anymore, she just can’t any more. And so, she must find a place to relax for a moment, even if said place is a terribly hard looking stone bench.

The Deal:

The Legend of Sleeping Beauty has been a favorite of the people of Alyssinia for a century. And in that time, many a handsome prince has tried to awoken Princess Aurora, who lies, asleep, in her tower room, after pricking her finger on an enchanted spinning needle on the eve of her 18th birthday.

102 years after Aurora fell asleep, a kiss from a stranger awakens her. And although her tale tells of the man who awakens her being her true love, Aurora doesn’t really feel anything but a general gratitude toward Prince Roderic for breaking the spell. Plus, the more she learns about the new world in which she’s awoken, the less she wants to live up to the dutiful fairytale princess the people of her country believe she should be.

BFF Charm: Eventually

When Aurora first wakes, she’s lost and afraid. Everyone she ever knew is long dead, and the world has changed in innumerable ways. At first, she’s so lost that she lets people walk all over her. She plays the role of dutiful princess, curtseys when she’s told to, and doesn’t make waves. But the more she learns about her soon to be in laws, and the way the country’s been run since she fell asleep, the harder it becomes to play the role. Even then, she’s still very unsure of herself and her place in the world. I think we could be friends, after a time, after Aurora figures out what she wants and who she wants to be.

Swoonworthy Scale: 4

The story of Sleeping Beauty is, in part, a love story. But in Aurora and Roderic’s case, that part of the story might not be the truth.

Talky Talk: Tale as Old as Time

Sleeping Beauty is a familiar story, likely one of the most famous fairy tales of all time. But in A Wicked Thing, Rhiannon Thomas introduces a world in which the kiss didn’t lead immediately to true love, and Aurora’s happily ever after wasn’t quite what anyone had expected. Although the novel isn’t entirely a retelling—the ending is changed, yes, but the basic start of the story remains the same. Thomas’ world building adds to the basic tale, but I was left wanting more.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Cliffhanger

I didn’t realize that A Wicked Thing was a series starter until I got near the end and more plots had begun than had been completed. The ending was unexpected, and left me hanging—not entirely in a good way.

Casting Call:

Elle Fanning as Aurora

Evan Peters as Rodric

Relationship Status: Call Me, Maybe

Although I wanted more resolution from our date, Book, I’ll admit that I’m more than a little curious to see what happens next. So I think I’d be willing to go out again, but know that I’m not entirely on board yet.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a review copy of this book from HarperTeen. I received neither a private dance party with Tom Hiddleston nor money in exchange for this review. A Wicked Thing is available now.

Rosemary and Alexis here, hiding behind our couches. DON'T MIND US.

THIS WEEK'S MVP

In what we think is a first for this award since we started doing these recaps, this week’s MVP is…A

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In the parlance of today’s youths*, this week A was on FLEEK**.

Runner-up: ALI! With her SHOW STOPPING apology. Please be telling the truth this time, Ali D! We are rooting for you (and also for your evil twin to be Big A. Keep the MVP award in the family, ya know?)

*Alexis has confirmed with no less than three of her YA-aged tutoring students who took her TOTALLY SERIOUSLY AND DID NOT LAUGH IN HER FACE EVEN A LITTLE BIT that this is a real thing young people say. 

**Alexis has also promised Catie that this one time, in relation to the monster human that is A, is THE ONLY time we will be using "fleek" in our recaps. Pinky swear.

THIS WEEK'S LVP

TALIA. But like, we don't even want to give her the word count?

Runner-up: Hot Andrew, for managing to dial his creep factor so high that even ROSEMARY was squirming whenever he was on screen.

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BIGGEST SHOCK/BEST SURPRISE

Burn ward mummy, for SURE.

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The patience it would take to enact this particular scheme is INSANE. Like, literally, Radley-level insane. 

Which reminded us immediately of this other great scene from the first half of the season:

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NOEL KAHN IS VARJAK

Welcome back, show that used to make us turn on every single house light, physically check behind every single curtain—window AND shower—and put group SOS texts on standby!

BIGGEST NO-DUH

As Mama Barrister Hastings points out like five thousand times, Ali's lies have finally piled too high for even Ali to be able to shovel her way out of.

THAT'S ALI, FOLKS

Locked up and beaten down, and still all Ali can think about is MONA.

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Us too, Ali. Us, too.

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

Brand synergy and growth beyond stereotypes led a self-confident, college-bound Hanna to try to rage dance her way into joining a Cinderella-themed scholarship (beauty) pageant, because tuition costs dolla dolla bills, yo. The coach refused to take her money, but did want Emily to join up. And Em agreed, because she loves Hanna and this is Hanna's season to not have enough money for college (no, no, just go ahead and forget Emiy's scholarship-panic induced HGH sports cream poisoning frat party crashing season, everyone. Em's got RareBrew bucks to pay her way with now). Spencer "forgot" to apply to any Ivies, so is scrambling for anyone—literally ANYONE—to get her a connection to Oxford. Jonny Newsie Raymond was one of those anyones, but also so was Wren, who is probably A and almost certainly murdered Melissa. Aria cheated off Hot Andrew on a math test, so now he is tutoring her in history and also creep-flirting. Hanna was the only Liar to have the guts to visit Ali in jail and tell her to her face how over Ali's miserable lies she was. And speaking of Ali's lies, the guy who fake kidnapped her but for real terrorized her and was also her alibi for/against Mona's murder tried to trade the Liars for information, before Hot Andrew chased him off with a baseball bat. Oh, did we say Mona's murder? We meant Mona's PSYCH, BITCHES plan to fake her own death as part of Big A's plan to frame Ali, as part of Mona's plan to finally unmask Big A, clear the Liars of all wrongdoing, and be the hero to Rosewood that we already know her to be. Only, Mike is pretty sure A double crossed her. And without Mona…

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WHOOPS.

So cool. We good? Let’s do this.

THIS WEEK

Three Liars and a Jailbird

The Liars minus Hanna skip school (duh) to go to lady prison and apologize for their small part in Ali's inevitable incarceration/tell her Mike's news: Mona planned to fake her death as part of a greater plot to finally unveil Big A, Mike knew all along, and now they all think Big A double-crossed Mona and that she’s really dead. Either way: oops, sorry we accused you of murder/destroyed any evidence that might have exonerated you, but also, karma is your bitch, bitch!

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Please note that throughout all of this scene and most of the rest of the episode, Aria is wearing a neck-harness/skirt combo that is A) a sign of solidarity with Ali, B) a literal symbol of the prison of lies she is locked inside, or C) her weekly terrible sartorial choice. You decide.

Ali is less than impressed with the fact that the moral of their story is, “Mona was just gonna let me rot in this prison.” Nor is she convinced of the likelihood that any of the girls will be able to make good on their promise to get her out of there/catch A. Like, have you guys MET A? NO. BECAUSE NO ONE HAS. BECAUSE A IS MORE COSMIC EVENT THAN HUMAN AND HAS YET TO TAKE ACTUAL CORPOREAL FORM. But since Ali is currently bound by the stone and mortar of the law, it's not like she can do much but let the Liars do their (Liar Logic™) thing.

The one thing she can do, however, is tell her lawyers about Magic Mike XXL. "The words feel like actual snakes falling from my mouth, but that wily fox Mona putting all her trust in the twerp means that his might literally be the only testimony that might get me out of 40-life," she tells Aria once the other girls have gone. Naturally, this does not sit well with Aria. For one, Mike could get in big trouble for keeping Mona's secrets from the police (double duh). For two, A WILL KILL HIM.

Anyway, Aria is planning to head out that very afternoon to find Ali's good buddy Cyrus and get HIM to tell her who A is, so could Ali maybe wait until she at least does that??? The hysterically exasperated scoff with which Ali responds to the revelation that the Liars are STILL convinced they can somehow take down A is just stellar. She tells Aria that she truly doesn’t want to hurt Mike, but it might be her only choice. And the pain in her eyes as she says this? BELIEVABLE. Nice acting, Sasha!

Since their summit with Ali obviously fit in before the first period bell, Aria joins Emily, Spencer and the three head to school to meet up with Hanna/confront her for flaking on their group prison visit. "We get A threats as a group; we whirl around in terror/shock/terrified shock as a group; we visit ex-ghost best friends in lady prison as a GROUP, Hanna. C'MON!"

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Hanna admits freely that after calling Ali a liar and a murderer to her face—"like exfoliating a gaping wound with rock salt!" she poetically elaborates—she totally chickened out, but no one has much time to appreciate either her rapier analogy OR her killer outfit, because Aria is vibrating so hard with fear for her brother's safety that all attention can't help but swing back to her. And our girl's got a point: they have to find A before Ali’s trial, because if Mike DOES become Ali’s get out of jail free card, he’ll also become A’s biggest target. Which is sound reasoning and not even slightly Liar Logic™. Good thing A is never ever more than a single step ahead of these girls!

London Calling, or, even WREN is preferable to F*cking Jonny Raymond

After school, Big A kicks their new plan to scatter the ever-encroaching Liars to the wind into high gear. First to go: Spencer, who, when she gets home from school, is confronted by Veronica about visiting Alison in prison, which she and Spencer's dad just spent like a thousand billable hours working pro bono to keep Spencer out of. So, not only is Spencer not allowed to ever return, she is being shipped off THAT VERY NIGHT to LONDON. Mama Hastings, you see, has called Wren and got Spencer an interview at Oxford. "WREN??" Spencer squawks. "The dude you HATE??" Yes, that dude. But (correctly) Mama Hastings hates F*cking Jonny Raymond even more, and wasn't about to leave Spencer's Oxford prospects to his sketchy contact alone.

Spencer calls a mini-summit to let the other Liars know she's off to London, England, United Kingdom (she's no Toby, after all). Emily and Aria hem about how they will figure out some way to get Spencer out of the trip, which is obvs mostly a frightened retaliation against their AM prison visit, but it is Hanna who has the real solution: TELL VERONICA THE TRUTH. 

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In case you haven't been watching the show for the last five years, Spencer does not take Hanna's advice. Secrets are kept, planes are boarded, and before you can say bangers'n'mash, Spencer is in a cape, knocking on the door Wren and Melissa's flat. Neither of whom answer, of course, because Wren is A and Melissa is dead. The English chap/NPH doppelganger who answers the door claims they are just out visiting the country, but we know the truth. WE KNOW THE TRUTH.

English NPH, it turns out, is Wren and Melissa's flatmate. He is also obsessed with saying every English term that differs from its American counterpart, just enumerating them in one long list, like he's some sort of preschool teacher or something. Which he is. GREAT. He is also very invested in filling F*cking Jonny Raymond's insufferable mocassins, just immediately telling Spencer everything she needs to do to live her Best Life. "Step one," he says, after she asks him to unlock her international data so she can let her friends know A didn't crash her plane into the Atlantic, "is maybe get off your phone and look at the beauty around you!"

We hate him.

Spencer pulls it together long enough to attend her interview at Oxford, where she pretends it's season one again and turns up the classic Hastings charm. The professor she meets with is old and Very English and use the literal words "the colonies" to refer to the US. She butters him UP. He loves her and all her academic acheivements and especially her enthusiasm at his terrible philosophy knock-knock jokes. Then he hesitates in all that love, because he has noticed that her bag is LEAKING MUSCLE BLOOD all over his million year old professor chairs. 

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What a crazy random happenstAnce!!

Out of her SKULL at the fact that A managed to sneak a vial of blood into her bag and remotely detonate it to burst at the most perfectly worst moment, Spencer decides to rack up some international charges and calls Aria to have a complete meltdown on the streets of “London” (which may LOOK like it could be Rosewood/Philly/any town they have ever visited in Pennsylvania, but is just plastered in UK flags and full of bright red double decker buses, so is definitely London, OKAY??). Their conclusion? A must have snuck that vial of blood into Spencer’s bag back in "the colonies" hoping some overzealous TSA official would find it when she went through security and she’d get carted straight off to Ali's neighboring cell. And now Spencer is scared that if she DOES come home, the TSA will uncover Big A's B-plan: a pinkie toe in her carry-on.

Spencer races back to Wren and Melissa's flat and stars just tearing through every seam of every last skirt, scarf and sock in her luggage when English NPH comes home and tells her to calm the eff down by literally infantilizing her ("when one of my KIDS has a panic attack…") and comparing her VERY REAL PROBLEMS to stolen crayons then PUTTING HIS HANDS ON HER HANDS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION.

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BURY ALL MEN (#YESALLMEN). There's probably some space left in your backyard, Spence. We'll lend you a shovel.

He is almost a bigger tool than F*cking Jonny Raymond, but his uninvited touch meditation works and she calms down long enough to recognize that at the very least, he is Wren's flatmate and thus doesn't have great prospects wrt living much longer. Fingers crossed.

Dirty Boring Dancing

Emily is working her twelfth daily shift at RareBrew after school when she is accosted approached by Claire Handelman, the Pretty Pretty Princess Pageant coordinator. There was no parent signature on Em's application, it turns out (triple duh—there are no parents) and Ms. Handelman had nothing better to do with her day than track a single contestant down in person at her place of work to shake one out of her. Unfortunately, Pam is out of town on a girl's weekend with her BFF Talia/visiting Em's dad at his base, so the pageant people will have to wait until Em can fax the form to Texas to get the signature.

That should be the end of things, but nope! Turns out there’s more to this pageant than evening gowns and sexy dancing competitions—so much more that there is a leatherbound compendium of the WEEK'S activities to hand over to Em. There’s breakfasts, brunches, lunches, fairy godmothers (for real). Emily didn’t realize she’d signed up for such a time commitment but it’s okay because time does not exist in Rosewood. Ms. Handelman is completely affronted that Emily would make such a comment out loud—"if you even KNEW how many girls would KILL to be in your shoes" (um, Emily knows)—but Emily thinks of Hanna's rage dance and apologizes. It's only seven…dozen…shifts she'll have to get covered. She's sure she can get Talia's kitchen assistant to do it for her

Only, nope! Talia's kitchen assistant can't cover for Emily because Talia's kitchen assistant is covering for Talia because Talia QUIT. Also, she talked to her smugass husband about her True Self! And now they are separated! And she is staying at a hotel! And sob sob sob poor me sob. Emily thinks she has to shoulder some guilt for this (FALSE, although the phrasing of her question, "Did I force you to have a conversation you weren't ready for?" at least acknowledges her recognition of Talia being the problem, not Em) and so offers Talia the Fields' guest bedroom as a temporary landing pad while Talia looks for a new apartment. UGH.

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Later, Emily is flashdance practicing at the high school dance studio when Talia stalks shows up to return some key. Because she hasn't actually listened to a single thing Emily has ever told her, Talia is completely baffled as to what she is doing dancing so fast and hard through her every free hour. "It's for a friend, I need to win a pageant to get her the scholarship money," Emily explains. "Money is no reason to work so hard at something like this!" Talia exclaims. Which A) is completely wrong? it's one universally agreed upon great reason? that actual rock songs have been written about? and also B) is only the second half of the real reason that JUST CAME OUT OF EMILY'S MOUTH. 

No one ever listens to the Liars. Goddammit.

Still, Emily is Emily and rather than seeing Talia's sad sack attitude as a drain on her time and energy, instead turns her into a happiness project. She drags Talia to the center of the room and spends way too mcuh time teaching her to flashdance. But Talia sucks, at dancing and at life, and when she falls on her butt her laughter almost immediately turns into hysteric sobs and Emily pulls her up to slow dance anddddddal;sa;dlfjjjf  jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj.

Oops, oh, sorry, that was Rosemary's head hitting the keyboard when she fell asleep. We literally cannot think of another romantic pairing we've seen that is this thuddingly dull to watch. Emily Fields has chemistry with, like, wood floors. But not Talia! Nope, Talia is a black hole of energy. AND YET SHE PERSISTS.

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They’re interrupted when Claire Handelman shows up (HOW DID SHE TRACK THEM DOWN) and tells Emily that the pageant people KNOW ABOUT HER and she might maybe think about dropping out and at first we—and Emily and Talia, too—are like “Bitch no you di’n’t” and snapping in a Z formation and cracking our knuckles and taking off our acrylics because we are certain she is about to tell Emily she can't be in the pageant because she is gay, but then TWIST! Turns out, what she means is that Emily is unwelcome in the pageant because of her close ties with one maybe-murderer with a looming front page headline trial named Alison DiLaurentis.

Oh. Well. That kind of makes sense. It's dickish, but it is a beauty pageant staffed with fairy godmothers. So. Yeah.

Em is too stunned to argue, but Talia is all revved up with misplaced, idiotic confidence and so charges after Claire Handelman to BLACKMAIL HER into sending Emily a check directly, in exchange for no one being told that pageant officials were pressuring a contestant to drop out because of a trial because innocent until proven guilty.

Emily's face as Talia makes this terrible, terrible chess move against someone who isn't really even an opponent yet and didn't actually require Emily to drop out of anything looks impressed, but we are hoping that is just the Emily Fields expression of "I'm about to puke."

Aria Montgomery and the Horrible, Rotten, No Good, Very Bad Day (and then Andrew Shows Up)

On their way up to Spencer's pre-London mini-Summit, Aria stops at Barrister Mama Hastings' kitchen island work desk to ask some legal advice. "Honey, I will literally tell everyone who asks and most people who don't what you tell me, if I am not actually hired on as your counsel," Veronica says apologetically. Aria is crestfallen, but then digs around her bag, eventually coming up with a crumpled dollar bill that she slides across the marble countertop.

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Veronica's heart is pre-softened by the fact that she is sending her youngest daughter off to the very burgh where her eldest was probably murdered, so she agrees to this heavily discounted rate. And so Aria launches into a very vague explanation of what’s up with Mike, without actually saying Mike’s name. And Barrister Mama Hastings tells her that if this unnamed person is impeding a criminal case, he’ll definitely face some criminal charges, and if he kept secrets that led to murder? SERIOUS TROUBLE.

Dollar well spent, Montgomery.

When Aria gets home from Spencer’s, Hot Andrew jumps out of her bushes in the first of many actions tonight that are quickly losing him the first part of his nickname. They had a study date that Aria obviously forgot about, so Andrew just waited in the dark for HOURS for her to come home. Not Hot, Andrew, not Hot. Also not to be deterred, because even though she tells him they should probably chillax on the study sessions because she's got a billion other things on her mind right now, he asks her to see All The President’s Men with him the next night. He's a terrible stalker. Doesn't he know that Aria never watches any movie in color??

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::side eyes::

Because he is being so obviously shady, Aria asks him if it’s a date and he’s like “I don’t know…do you want it to be?” And she reminds him that despite Ezra’s absence these last two episodes (AND ALSO THAT HE IS A GROWN ASS MAN), Aria is still, in fact, in a relaishe with him. "Cool cool cool, just kill Ezra then," Andrew says. "What?" Aria asks. "I said, we'll go as study buddies!" he grins. PLANS MADE.

Before she can be subjected to any more of Hot Andrew's alpha stalker moves, however, Aria has a date with a stalker of a different stripe: Hank Mahoney, AKA Cyrus, AKA Ali's (fake) kidnapper. She tracked him down to an autoshop outside of town, who told her over the phone that he had an accident and is in the hospital, AKA has nowhere to run from their interrogation. And since Emily is flashdancing and Spencer is Gryffindoring, she enlists Hanna to accompany her.

Unfortunately, what Aria interpreted over the phone as a mugging gone wrong was actually CYRUS BEING SET ON FIRE. He was burned so badly he is wound up head to toe in gauze in the burn unit, which requires full scrubs, gloves and hairnets on all visitors. Aria is on a Save Mike mission, though, so slaps some scrubs on and barrels in, stalking right past all the other patients (this will come back to haunt poor Cyrus later, we'll tell you now). 

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"WHO PAID YOU TO SET UP ALI" she demands, as Hanna stares in horror at the poor man's raw, bloody face. The nurse gives them just enough time for Cyrus to scrawl out a word on the back of a handy gauze packet on his sidetable before she returns and shoos the girls right back out. "We just need like TWO MORE MINUTES," Hanna shouts at the no-nonsense nurse as Aria tries to puzzle out what the word he scrawled, "carjack," might mean. "Why didn't you juggle panda heads or something to distract her!" Hanna shouts, this time at Aria, as Aria pulls her away from the nurse and into the elevator.

"We don't have time for your delightful Hanna Marin ravings!" Aria shouts back. She hands over the gauze packet. "What do you think carjack means? Did A carjack Cyrus? Was A trying to shut him up???" At which Hanna rolls her eyes, because obviously the C is a V so obviously the word is Varjack so OBVIOUSLY Cyrus was referring to the character from Breakfast at Tiffany's, which is that story that according Aria's very own boyfriend Ezra, Ali always put herself in the middle of, despite a complete lack of understanding about who Holly Golightly was as a person.

"But it's spelled wrong," Aria deadpans. UM THAT IS AWESOME, according to Hanna the sleuthing genius, because that means Cyrus never saw it written down. WHICH MEANS…

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THEY SPOKE. This is clever, but also verges into Liar Logic™ territory. We mean, we'd seen RAVEN5WOOD splashed across our screens dozens of times before recognizing the 5 replacing the S in the middle of it. Cyrus could just care that little about Big A/Varjak's shenanigans (/slash is A TON OF PAIN) that he couldn't be bothered to spell it the right way. But probably Hanna and Aria do have the right of it. Mystery heightened!

Flush from her success at the burn unit, Aria returns home to hug the brother she's been racing all around Pennsylvania to protect. He's nowhere to be found, but rather than panic, she thinks logically through the possibilities of where he could be, lands on "lacrosse practice," and goes hunting for his schedule. Which, naturally, he has pinned to a dartboard in his room. It is at the same height as the knothole he stored Mona's blood in last week; i.e., low enough for him to reach from the ground, but high enough Aria needs to put on an oxygen tank just to reach it. Because she didn’t see Noel Kahn* loosen the bolts on Mike's weight set last week, she climbs up onto his bench press bench to reach the schedule, and juuuuuuuust as she's about to grab it, the whole things bursts into a hundred pieces, and she falls and cracks her skull against the floor.

Luckily, Hot Andrew had let himself into her front door already, and so is right on hand to rush to her first aid. He finds the nuts and bolts that should have been holding the bench together lying on the floor next to her, and notes how they aren't a matching set. "How crazy! If it had been Mike, his skull would have been crushed! Ha! Ha!" And then he cradles her swollen ankle, totally oblivious to the silent tears sliding down her cheeks as she stares at the ruin of Mike's weightlifting equipment and accepts that A has already set out to destroy him. Her brother saving efforts are too little, too late.

And since all hope is lost there, Aria just leans in. To disaster, we mean. To disaster. It's Hot Andrew who does the physical leaning in, moving close and offering—literally—a shoulder for her to cry on, then straight up kissing her. Because kissing a crying injured girl who is having problems in life and romance is always a super good idea**.

*probably

**not

The Original Liar, No Longer

Prison has been rough on Ali's ego. Not only does she have to do everything according to someone else's plan, but she's not even safe from A's terrorizing while trapped there. We already knew this from the menacing note A managed to tuck into a fresh jumpsuit a couple weeks back, but this week A ups the game by rolling a tin can into Ali's cell, stuffed with a miniature Ali-in-orange doll and a note offering to put Ali in a barrel, herself, if she keeps making A's life hard.

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Later, while sitting at a folding table, staring at laundry tumbling in the prison's machines, Ali dazedly writes MONA in huge letters on the bafflingly dusty tabletop. A guard retrieves her, then, to attend to a new visitor—one Barrister Mama Hastings, who is there to get straight from the horse's mouth the truth about why Spencer and the other girls were visiting Ali after all this time. 

They knew the truth now, Ali says—she's innocent. She wants to defend herself and her lawyers wont let her because everyone knows she’s a liar. "Well if the lying shoe fits," Mama H replies. "Because you are a liar. Get it, you lying, treacherous little beeyotch*?" "NOT THIS TIME!" Ali swears, but it's no good. She knows thing look bad for her, but she has to try something. Mama H seems sympathetic, and tells her she’ll need a really good coach if she has any hope of surviving the stand if her lawyers do let her up there, so Ali asks for her help. And with that crazy last ditch gambit, Mama H HAS to know she is finally telling the truth.

After Veronica leaves, Ali returns to laundry duty to find that someone has finished her “MONA” finger letters with “…told everything.”

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Mona told everything (to Mike)? Or Ali was writing TO Mona, who is responding that she told everything she needed to tell as part of some plan? 

*Rosemary’s words, but we all know Mrs. H was thinking them.

Hanna Takes the High Road

After skipping out on the Ali Summit, Hanna spends most of this episode making herself scarce. She's willing to help Aria at the hospital or whatever, but that is IT. Spencer's in London, NOT taking her advice to come clean to Veronica, and Emily's busy dancing her way to Hanna's tuition money.

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Feeling like she's on the wrong side of everything, Hanna can't even muster up any excitement when Ashley appears (a second parent! in one episode! No wonder Spencer got shot across an ocean. Rosewood can't handle so many parents In Town at one time) and shows off the engagement ring she is finally wearing. "Sure, great," Hanna drones. "Real cool of Ted to make you wait so long while he decided what to do with the rest of YOUR life." Normally we are here for Hanna's spot on attitude, but Ashley is right to call her out on this particular outburst. Ted was RIGHT to take time to really consider everything that had happened, just like Ashley was RIGHT to come clean to him in the first place. They both needed time to really make sure they can be there for each other, forever.

"So you don't feel like you shouldn't have come clean? And you don't resent him needing an apology?" Hanna asks. "GO TALK TO ALI," Ashley says. Well, not really. But that was really what Hanna was asking, so that is really what she hears when Ashley responds, "no, it was the right thing to do."

So Hanna finally sucks up her courage and goes to see Ali. She brings magazines, but they are of course taken away before she gets into the interview room. Hanna starts out trying to apologize for what she said to Ali the last time she came, but Ali stops her. Stops her with an INCREDIBLE PERFORMANCE/apology of her own. "I honestly thought I was helping you guys," she starts, "telling you what to think and say and wear, but now that I am here, and every move I make and thing I eat and time I shower is outlined for me by a higher power who doesn't care one iota about what I want or think, well…"

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BRAVA BRAVA BRAVAAAAA! Sasha Pieterse KILLS it.

Ali takes a breath, breaks Hanna's gaze, then asks, haltingly, if Hanna thinks that maybe they could just start over. "I don't know," Hanna starts, and you can see Ali deflate as she anticipates the door Hanna is about to shut, but then Hanna continues, "we can try." If Ali is honest. About everything.

Including Varjak.

A-tag

A has money (twenty dollar bills). And Prison Bibles. And money (twenty dollar bills with the face of ANDREW Jackson on them) in Prison Bibles. WHY NOT.

NEXT WEEK

Hanna's going orange jumpsuit couture, y'all.

<-- Pretty Little Liars 5x20: Pretty Isn't the Point

Pretty Little Liars 5x22: To Plea or Not To Plea -->

Previously on The 100, Jasper made like Jack Torrance, the 48 44 were offered safe haven by anti-Cage folks and Abby and Clarke kind of forgave each other.

All things considered, I think it would have been highly appropriate for the show to change its theme song for this particular episode. And I think we all know what that song should've been.

I was like, GOOD GRACIOUS.

Metaphorically speaking, let's mix a little bit a ahh, ahh, with a little bit of ahh, ahh and GET TO IT.

In Egypt the Dead Zone:

Malfoy, Jaha and crew are treading through the desert, and one dude is cracking Grounder and Reaper jokes. Then he steps on a mine and explodes. TALK ABOUT A PUNCHLINE. As his limbs rain down (God, I love this show), another lady falls onto a mine and blows up, and there's blood everywhere, and Malfoy asks something to the effect of, "Anybody else want a sign?"

Unable to move due to the mines, the remaining group sits through a sand storm, because things can't get worse... or dirtier. But after the storm passes, they see glimmers of light over the horizon. Is it really the City of Light?! Knowing this show-- probably not?

Jaha slowly leads them by feeling the way with his walking stick, and even after one of the guys freaks out and almost hits a mine, they finally make it past the danger zone and excitedly climb up the hill. And then they see... solar panels? Malfoy is pissed and throws a rock at one of the panels, which causes a drone to come flying at them. Fortunately, it's not a drone operated by the U.S. government. (What, too political?) They follow it to the water's edge, where a boat floats, seemingly waiting for them. Jaha commands everyone to get in the boat so they can follow the drone, which means we can no longer call him Moses. It's Noah now, bishes!

At Mt Weather:

AJ Cage gets an update on the 44 (RIP, you three kids!) from Lt. Whitman, who can't seem to find them. The latter wants to use the fact that the kids killed ten soldiers to turn any sympathizers in Mt. Weather against them. This reminds me of the time when I was six and tried to "make gum" via a recipe from my imagination, and my mom simply said, "Good luck, sweetie!"

In the control room, we learn that the Grounder Army is camped just out of reach of the acid fog. Cue Bellamy (HI BELLAMY), who is still running around, trying to stop said fog from happening. As he discovers that his key card doesn't work, two guards accost him with guns drawn, and they know he's not Lovejoy. His cover is finally blown! And it only took, like, 24 hours in a place where everyone knows everyone else! There's a chase scene that ends with Bellamy beating a guard, taking his card and making his way to the apartment of Maya's Dad, Vincent. Vince (I'm gonna call you Vince) tells him that Jasper and the gang have been moved to a wing that's already been searched, so they're safe for now. BUT WHY CAN'T WE SEE THEM, SHOW? I WANT TO SEE THEM. Bellamy asks Vince if there's another way to get to the acid fog section, and oh hey, turns out there's this thing called the "retro-fit zone" that is off limits! And has no cameras!

HOW CONVENIENT.

Oh yeah, and Vince gives Bellamy some kind of creme brulee torch. Because that won't come in handy.

At the Grounder Camp:

Clarke is freaking out about the plan of attack as Lexa tries to calm her down. But what is Clarke really worried about? Bellamy!!!!

Lexa: You care about him.

Clarke: I care about all of them.

Lexa: But you worry about him more.

#BELLARKE!!!!!

Lexa wants Clarke to be a great leader, but Clarke just wants to keep people alive. Clarke With Feelings is back! She leaves the tent and finds Octavia sitting by the fire, and oh shizz, O totally knows about the missile. (Makes me want to start a new meme of "O Knows" modeled after Bo Knows and damn, I'm old.) Clarke tries to explain, but Octavia shuts her down with this line: "You'd have fit right in on the Council." COLD BURN.

Grounder Bodyguard informs Octavia that she's been reassigned to the guard post, and something is definitely up. Clarke senses it and tells Lexa that O won't spill the beans. "You worry about your people, I'll worry about mine."

I guess in Grounder, that means, "Sure, yeah, you can go ahead and have her killed," because that's exactly what Lexa orders. WHUT.

Clarke runs into Indra and realizes that Octavia isn't with her, so she heads to the woods, where she finds Grounder Bodyguard about to go all Katniss on O's ass. She stops him by putting a gun to his head (fierce!), and Octavia is none the wiser. Because that would make her partially forgive Clarke and that would be too easy, WOULDN'T IT WRITERS?

Clarke forces Grounder Bodyguard back to the tent to face Lexa, who immediately orders him out so she and Clarke can have some alone time get into it. Clarke is done with pretending like she doesn't have emotions and declares, "You say having feelings makes me weak. But you're weak for hiding from them." Is anyone else afraid that this tent is about to erupt into flames because SEXUAL TENSION? Then we get this HAWT exchange:

Clarke: 250 people died in that village. I know you felt for them. But you let them burn.

Lexa: Not everyone. Not you.

Clarke, taken aback, says that if anything happens to Octavia, she'll tell everyone about the missile, then she stalks out.  She obviously makes an impression, because later, Lexa sends for her and informs her that she does trust Clarke, and Octavia has nothing to fear. Then this happens:

Clarke: Maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that?

Lexa: Maybe we do.

KISSING.

OMG KISSING. CLARKE KISSES BACK!!!! I can't believe I'm saying this, because I'm Team Bellarke, but this is crazy hot! Clarke eventually breaks away and says that she's not ready to be with anyone... yet. But there's a glimmer in her eye which means MAJOR BELLARKE DELAYS AHEAD. But you know what? I'm kinda okay with that?

At Camp Jaha

WICKEN!!!!! Wick is back! Because Raven wants his help. And also because the writers have obviously been reading our recaps. Their banter immediately hits panty-melting levels, with Wick saying things like:

Humor... it's just what I do.

I was a god at fluid dynmiacs.

I'll have you know, I have great follow-through.

TALK NERDY TO ME, WICK.

Bellamy, who has finally found the vats with the poison fog, radios in, and Wick and Raven take turns passing the radio, trying to out-do each other in helping Bellamy disable the fog. (How much did you love it when Wick asked, "How's my boy Monty doing?") Bells goes through every function of the gas monitor, and Wicken has a eureka moment - activate the cleaning solution in the tanks to neutralize the pH levels of the gas. The two stare at each other over the radio as Bellamy watches the pH levels go down, and when they hit the "safe" zone, Wick and Raven hug! AND ALMOST KISS! Stupid Finn.

They send out the flare, then Raven comes back into the room and attacks Wick with her mouth. GET IT GIRL. He wonders if it's a good idea, and she replies, "We're going to war. Stop talking." Excellent foreplay, Raven. We find out his real name is Kyle, and... I'm still gonna call him Wick.

After some sexy time that WE BARELY GET TO SEE, Raven tries to slip away. Wick calls her on it and says, "If you want to do this, I'm in. But I'm not gonna play games. So figure it out." I admire this dude for being a straight shooter, but I also don't think Raven is ready. SIGH.

At the Grounder Camp

Everyone sees the flare, and Lexa admits to Clarke, "You were right to have faith in him." Well, I'm hoping she was feeling a little more than just faith but I also can't argue with that kiss you girls shared. Lexa goes into Supreme Badass mode and calls her armies to battle.

At Mt. Weather

Bellamy thought he was home free but PSYCHE, when he checks the gauge on one of the vats, he realizes that none of the acid has been neutralized. Looks like someone (mothercussing Whitman) effed with the system, not to mention cut off his radio. Fuhhhhhh! Guards break into the section, so Bellamy escapes down a vent... because he rigged up an oxygen tank with his creme brulee torch, and it's set to blow! WELL PLAYED SIR. Especially because you didn't allow your handsome face to get burned.

With the Grounder Army fully in the danger zone, Cage triggers the acid fog... to no avail. SUCK ON THAT. He gets mad, because he's a baby, and he asks Whitman what else they have. Whitman replies, "Nothing. All we have is the doors."

In the Woods

As the Grounder Army marches forward, Clarke tells Octavia that she wants to move her to the rear guard, where she'll be safe. Octavia fires back that she doesn't take orders from Clarke, and she'll fight this war with her, but afterwards, they're done. So... I'm sensing that O is still upset.

Octavia falls in line with Indra, who discloses that she knows about the whole missile thing. And she's cool with it.

Indra: Lexa is a great commander because she's ruthless. That's how we'll win this battle.

Octavia: That's wrong.

Indra: That's war.

BATTLE CRYYYYYYY!!!!!

Mt. Weather 101:

There's such a thing as a retro-fit zone. What? I got nothing.

Death Toll:

- 4 Mt. Weather guards (I think?)

- 2 Jaha followers

Say What:

Malfoy is batting a thousand right now.

"Sand. It blows."

To Jaha: "Tell me, what level of crazy is too much for you?"

Lexa, you really need to write a book.

The truth is we must look into the eyes of our warriors and say, 'Go die for me.'

And I've already got a title for ya: "Stone Cold 101."

Clarke: You can't just kill everyone you don't trust.

Lexa: Yes I can.

Burning Questions:

- Where the eff is Lincoln?

- When was the last time Jaha and Malfoy had some water? How are they not just, like, diving into that ocean/lake?

- How do you feel about how the writers handled the Raven and Wick storyline? Does she need more time to grieve? Should she just jump his bones (again) already because this is war? (Hey, that excuse worked the first time.)

- Clarke and Lexa... is there a future here? Is anyone shipping them? (And if so, what is their couple name because I couldn't figure it out for the life of me.) I kind of dig them together but that kiss pretty much sealed Lexa's fate, i.e. she will die in the season finale. At least, that's my take.

Speaking of, there's only two episodes left, and they're being marketed as the two part season finale. So....

Title: American Horror Story
Year: 2011
Fix: Keeps You Up At Night, Major Case of the Heebie Jeebies

Netflix Summary:

Exploring humankind's unsettling capacity for evil, this darkly twisted drama plays upon the power of supernatural fears and everyday horrors.

Season one summary: A Boston family makes a new start by moving cross-country to Los Angeles ... only to find that their new home might already be "occupied."

FYA Summary:

HRH Connie Britton and her magnificent hair family move across the country to make a new start after many things go wrong in Boston: a miscarriage and an affair among them. The house they move into in LA is, to all appearances, an absolute gem (even considering the fact that the previous tenants died in an apparent murder suicide), but things get very strange, very quickly, and it becomes apparent that the previous tenants are not the only people to have met unfortunate ends while living there.

Familiar Faces:

Connie Britton as Vivien Harmon

Full disclosure: I have never seen Friday Night Lights. But you can’t be around FYA HQ for long without learning of the wonders of Tami Taylor/Connie Britton, and coming to be in awe of her amazing hair. Even while playing Vivien, a woman who has had many terrible things happen to her, and who continues to have terrible things happen to her, Connie remains radiant and strong. Her having a lead role in American Horror Story (AHS) makes total sense, because she’s obviously made a deal with the devil.

Dylan McDermott as Ben Harmon

Dylan McDermott also has nice hair, and the numerous times he takes his shirt off (or walks around in the complete buff) as Ben certainly adds to the show, but where Vivian is a strong, powerful woman, Ben is a terrible, weak man. The guy’s got massive issues, and has made a serious mess out of his life. That said, he’s still kind of likeable, and his earnestness (and Dylan’s charming smile) really makes it hard to dislike Ben for long. But then you remember what he’s done, and you dislike him all over again. It’s a vicious cycle, which, I think, is made worse by the fact that Dylan is so attractive. This sounds terribly superficial, but I think if Ben had been played by someone less handsome, he would have been easier to hate the entire time.

Evan Peters as Tate

I only know Evan from his role as Quicksilver in X-Men: Days of Future Past, and he totally killed it in that movie. He, uh, kills it in AHS, but in a whole different manner. Again, I think the show’s creators did a really smart thing in casting such an attractive person for the role of Tate; it’s hard to hate him, even as his character gets more and more terrible with each passing episode.

Taissa Farmiga as Violet Harmon

Although Taissa is believable as “tortured” teenager Violet, her whining and often wooden delivery grows old pretty quickly. I’ve never seen Taissa in anything else, so I have no idea if this is her standard acting, or not-so-great qualities of the character.

Denis O’Hare as Larry Harvey

Larry is a HUGE creep in AHS, but also an amazing character. Denis is a familiar face, but also one of those actors who can lose themselves in a role, which I find so impressive. One side of Larry’s body is burned, and he therefore has limited range of motion with one arm, leg and facial expressions. Denis does a fabulous job at making it seem like all of the fake injuries, prosthetics and stage makeup are real. (Side note: The stage makeup on this show is fabulously done.)

Jessica Lange as Constance Langdon

Jessica Lange is a legend, and she brings her gravitas to the role of Constance in a brilliant way, making the character tough and strong-willed, but also sad, and filled with the weight of many missed opportunities (and imagined slights).

Frances Conroy as Moira O’Hare

I didn’t watch all of Six Feet Under, but the episode in which Frances’ character dyes her hair sticks out in my mind. Frances often plays meek characters, which is helped by her soft voice and unthreatening demeanor, but the woman has an edge to her that pops up when you least expect it. Moira is just such a character; one that seems like a total pushover at times, but every so often you see a glimpse of the terror she could rain down on her enemies if only she had a little more backbone.

Christine Estabrook as Marcy

I can’t quite remember what else I’ve seen Christine in, but she’s so perfect in the role of beleaguered realtor Marcy. I feel for her, being stuck with the job of selling the AHS house, but at the same time, I really don’t feel that bad?

Kate Mara as Hayden McClaine

Kate is a familiar name, and a familiar face, but if I’ve ever seen her in something other than AHS, it has slipped my mind. From interviews and red carpet appearances, however, I expected Hayden to be as poised and sweet as Kate comes across—boy, was I wrong. Hayden is a M-E-S-S mess, and a yelly one at that. The character is older than Violet, too, but comes across as a bratty younger sister type.

Mageina Tovah as Bianca

The role that most sticks out in my mind that I’ve seen Mageina in is Peter Parker’s sweet neighbor in the Spider-Man movies. (The Toby Maguire versions, not the Andrew Garfield ones.) Bianca is much less sweet, but not much less of a wallflower.

Azura Skye as Fiona

Azura is one of those people who’ve been in so many things, but always seems to play similar roles. I suppose Fiona is a bit different, in the end, but even so, this character’s just going to meld (in my mind) with the others Azura has played.

Lily Rabe as Nora Montgomery

When it was announced that Lily was going to play Cressida in the Hunger Games series, I had nothing to base my opinion of the casting on, seeing as I’d never seen her in anything. Now that I’ve seen her in AHS, I’m sort of glad the role fell through, and for more reasons than my major crush on Natalie Dormer. Although Lily was great in the role of old-fashioned, high-society Nora, there’s a fire to Cressida that I can’t see Lily embodying. Although, having watched the first few episodes of season two, in which Lily plays a completely different character, I might be very wrong about her acting abilities.

Eric Close as Hugo

Eric does very well at playing a cheating husband, and that’s pretty much all there is to Hugo.

Zachary Quinto as Chad Warwick

Zachary is a terrific actor with a great ability to become different characters. He doesn’t lose himself in a role (see Denis O’Hare, above) as much as make them his own, and the character of Chad is no exception. I both wanted to hug and punch Chad, and even though he’s not in the show all that much, he makes a memorable impact.

Morris Chestnut as Luke

The character of Luke is, basically, in the show for his hotness, to be a foil for a jealous husband. And Morris is so, so beautiful, so he’s perfect for the role. Can the man act, too? Of course, but that’s not really what the role of Luke calls for.

Eric Stonestreet as Derek

Eric’s in AHS for all of one episode, but does a great job while he lasts. Derek is a much different character than Cam on Modern Family—the only other role I know Eric from—and it was fun to see Eric in a different light.

Sarah Paulson as Billie Dean Howard

Apparently, Sarah becomes a series regular in successive AHS seasons, but in this first one, she’s got a very small part. It’s easy to see why Sarah was cast as a lead in the later seasons, however—Billie Dean stands out brightly amongst the other guest stars. And I really like Sarah—not from knowing her personally, which I don't ... you know what I mean—so more power to her.

Joshua Malina as Dr. Curran

I’ve seen Joshua in many things, but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen him in such a compromising and questionable role as Dr. Curran. He’s not a nice guy, friends. Don’t let his sweet smile fool you. (Dr. Curran, that is. Not Joshua. I'm sure he's very nice.)

Mena Suvari as Elizabeth Short

Mena is great at being sultry and sexy and just innocent enough to be dangerous. Elizabeth’s role is a small one, but Mena knocks it out of the park.

Couch-Sharing Capability: Please, Bring Many Friends

I started watching AHS late one night after my husband had gone to bed. (I have TERRIBLE ideas sometimes.) When I did eventually go to sleep, I tucked myself close to him and made sure there wasn’t anything lurking outside our bedroom windows. I also couldn’t fall asleep for a while, even though it was late and I was tired. If you’re one who enjoys scaring themselves into wakefulness, by all means, watch this one alone. But if you prefer to be able to sleep well at night, invite your friends. And close your blinds.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: Lots, if You Can Stomach It

Drinking an adult bevvie while watching this show might take the edge off of the “goes to 11” creep factor of the first half of the series. During the latter half of the series when everything gets less creepy and more “WTF?” weird, having a stiff drink in hand might make it easier to stomach what goes down. However, if you’ve got a weak stomach, I might suggest forgoing anything that might cause the rumblies.

Use of Your Netflix Subscription: Good

I’ve been hearing things (both good and bad) about AHS for years, but it wasn’t until the theme of the fourth season was announced (“Freak Show”) that I got interested in actually wanting to watch. Now, I do realize that each season of this show stands, for the most part, separate from the others, but I am a completist, so I figured I would start from the beginning. I enjoyed the first season, and have since watched the first few episodes of the second, but I don’t think this is a show that I need to have in my personal collection. (I am going to keep watching, though. Like I said: completist.)

Cori McCarthy’s Breaking Sky is a book about a badass lady fighter pilot. I’ll be reviewing the novel closer to it’s release date, but I’m excited to be able to give you a teaser today.

Here’s the official word:

In this high-flying, adrenaline-fueled debut thriller, America's best hope is the elite teen fighter pilots of the United Star Academy

Chase Harcourt, call sign "Nyx," is one of only two pilots chosen to fly the experimental "Streaker" jets at the junior Air Force Academy in the year 2048. She's tough and impulsive with lightning-fast reactions, but few know the pain and loneliness of her past or the dark secret about her father. All anyone cares about is that Chase aces the upcoming Streaker trials, proving the prototype jet can knock the enemy out of the sky.

But as the world tilts toward war, Chase cracks open a military secret. There's a third Streaker jet, whose young hotshot pilot, Tristan, can match her on the ground and in the clouds. Chase doesn't play well with others, but to save her country she may just have to put her life in the hands of the competition.

Meet one of the elite teen fighter pilots of the United Star Academy:

Full name: CHASE (TOURN) HARCOURT
Call sign: NYX
Position: Pilot
Height: 5’7”
Hair color: Brown faux hawk
Eye color: Brown
Age: 17
Originally from: Detroit, Michigan
Plane name and description: DRAGON, Streaker Jet Prototype 1
Years in the service: 3
Personality strengths: Fearless, daredevil, fiercely loyal
Personality weaknesses: Selfish, off-the-cuff, sarcasm is her main line of defense

Check out a teaser:

Chase dipped into it, taking off faster than the others. Her muscles went tight against the mounting pressure, and she leaned into it, breathing through her teeth. Her path was so fast that the woods blurred into an emerald scream.

Tristan had broken Mach 5. Chase was going to make it to six. He had to know she was just as tough and capable. That she would push herself until she passed out if she had to—flying  was everything.

The pressure shrink-wrapped her skin to her bones, squeezed all the blood out of her fingers, her legs. The digital sky paled, a baby blue and then a hardly blue, while the trees lost all their green.

Chase heard Adrien’s voice from far away. “Time to step down.” “More,” Chase murmured. She pressed harder, and her thoughts about beating Tristan melted into her true motivation. Dragon would only be as fast as she could be, and she wouldn’t let her bird down. She wouldn’t let down Kale. Or the trials. Or her impossible-to-please father.

She’d prove she deserved to be here. To fly a Streaker.

The gray of her vision fuzzed at the edges, right before it washed completely white.

About the author:

Cori McCarthy studied poetry and screenwriting before falling in love with writing for teens at Vermont College of Fine Arts. From a military family, Cori was born on Guam and lived a little bit of everywhere before she landed in Michigan. Learn more about her books at CoriMcCarthy.com.

Want to win a copy of Breaking Sky? Leave a comment below with what you’d want your call sign to be. We’ll pick a winner at random March 5. Per the publisher: U.S. and Canada only, please.

If you enjoy taking out of town guests to your local brewery, like we do, then you end up with the problem of a lot of extraneous glassware scattered around your kitchen. Oh, wait, did I just say that was a problem? Because thanks to this handy dandy little DIY, extra matching glassware turns into a charming gift to share next time you have a holiday or birthday party to attend!

Here's what you need to make your own candles at home:

Glass (I am making mine out of the small tasters you get at brewery tours)

Wick (you can purchase them online easily!)

Soy flakes (your local craft store will carry small bags, or an online retailer, if you want to get crazy like me, can sell you more!)

Old jar, cleaned out

Skewers

Essential oil, if you want to scent yours (optional)

Pot holders-- this is about to get hot!

First of all, wehn you melt these soy flakes down, they melt WAY down. I do a little at a time, to make sure everything gets pretty melty. Pour enough flakes in your jar so about 1/4 of your jar is full.

Place this in the microwave (Yes! It really is this easy!)

Microwave for about a minute (this brand of flakes took longer, I've also used some that melted faster. Play it by ear until you know how fast your microwave can melt).

While we're waiting that whole minute, get your wick ready. Straighten it as much as you can, but don't put it in the glass yet.

Use your pot holders to get the jar with the melted wax out of the microwave (it'll be hot!). Now is the point where you would add your scent, if you'd like to. A few drops go a long way. Swirl it around in your melted wax to disperse it equally.

Pour just a little bit of this wax in the bottom of your glass. Now stick the bottom of the wick in there, making sure it is snug against the bottom of the glass. Let it sit for a few minutes, until this wax is totally dry and your wick is definitely locked down there good.

Once our wick is secure, we can continue to melt and pour until we get the glass almost full. Use that skewer to keep the wick from falling against one of the sides of the glass.

Allow everything to sit for a few hours, and then you're done. No, really, it's that easy.

Clip the top off your wick (it should be a little too long), and share it with a friend. Or maybe keep it for yourself. It's totally up to you!

Book Related Things

Harry Potter-themed cocktails. 

The definitive answer re: why adults read so much YA.

Cover reveal for Rebecca Serle's Truly Madly Famously.

Plots of novels, turned into graphs.

Movie Related Things

What if Harry Potter were a teen rom com?

Jamie Dornan rumored to...pull out...of the Fifty Shades sequels. (Heh heh sorry.)

Gayle Forman's I Was Here has been optioned!

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl has a limited July 1 release.

TV Related Things

What! Pimp My Ride was fake?! MTV, you should be ashamed.

Miscellaneous Things

These are Apple's new diverse emoji...but wtf is up with the yellow ones?

What color is this dress for you? Here's why it changes color.

Llama drama! (Llamas are masters of the "act casual...act casual...NOW RUN!" schtick.

That's it for this week! Did we miss anything?

WHOA, Y'ALL. Teen Heartthrob Madness hasn't even officially started yet, and we already have one nail-biter in the books! Over the past two days, y'all chose Jordan Rodrigues as the winner of the wildcard vote, narrowly edging Shane West by 7 votes (2.16%) for the final spot in the tournament!

Jordan's reward for this hard-fought victory? Facing off against Baby Leo in the first round, WHOMP WHOMP. 

Here's what the bracket looks like now: 

Think you can predict the results of Teen Heartthrob Madness? Not only do we have a fillable PDF bracket for your IRL March Madness pool, but you can join other FYA readers in our bracket prediction challenge! (You didn't plan on doing any work the rest of the day, right? Right.)

To enter, save a copy of the spreadsheet bracket here (with additional instructions included), fill in your predictions, and send the completed sheet to mandy.at.fya@gmail.com by 8am Central on Monday, March 2nd. (Please put "Teen Heartthrob Madness Predictions" in the subject line.) There juuuust might be something besides bragging rights for the person with the most accurate predictions...

Which teen heartthrob do you think will become champion?

Speedy Synopses:

Gotham 1x17: Red Hood

A new gang in town, one member of which decides to "spice things up" by wearing a red hood rather than a scarf over his face, begins a spree of robbing Gotham's banks. Jim and Harvey investigate the Red Hood Gang, and quickly find that all's not well amongst the members. By the time they hit a third bank, their numbers have dwindled from five to three, and Jim and Harvey catch them in the act.

An old friend of Alfred's pays a visit to Wayne Manor, and although Bruce is enamored, Alfred knows something's amiss. When he finds Reggie stealing on the night before he's supposed to move on, Reggie stabs Alfred very near the heart; Bruce finds him and gets him to the hospital in time. (We all know there's no way he'll die.) Turns out, Reggie was hired to investigate Bruce and what he knows by the board of Wayne Enterprises.

Meanwhile: Fish finally gets her meeting with The Manager, but it doesn't quite go as planned, resulting in Fish DIGGING HER OWN EYE OUT WITH A SPOON and crushing it with her own foot. (Good grief, lady.) Barbara tries to play older sister to Ivy and Selina, but Selina is having none of it. And Butch helps Oswald get some booze. (Because lack of booze is what's wrong with the club ...) (Mandy C.)

Agent Carter 1x8: Valediction

The season finale of Agent Carter opens with the return of the Captain America Radio Adventure Hour, which tells in its own revisionist history the ending of the first Captain America movie, and foreshadows the presence of the good Captain America despite his absence from the entire run of Agent Carter. Speaking of returns, the finale spends an inordinate amount of time on the return of Howard Stark. Which don't get me wrong, Dominic Cooper is wonderful in the role, but is ultimately a distraction, especially in a show named Agent Carter. Along with his return, he hastily fills in one of the most inane mysteries of the season, explaining what happened at Finow. The Americans gassed the Russians at Finow using Midnight Oil, a combat stimulant created by Stark (the same Dottie and Ivchenko) used in the cinema last week. Also we learn that Ivchenko (whose real name is Johann Fennhoff) was at Finow and now seeks blood vengeance on Stark.

Stark decides to set up a phony press conference along with the SSR in order to draw out Dottie and Fennhoff, which quickly goes pear-shaped, and Stark is abducted by said targets of the phony press conference. Stark is carted off to his private air hangar where it's confirmed that Dottie seduced Stark into showing her his inventions six months ago, which kicked off the whole season in the first place. Stark is hypnotized by Fennhoff who uses Stark's guilt, regret, and shame in order to carry out Fennoff's grand scheme: to gas the V-E Day celebration in Times Square. The SSR is not too far behind, and finally leads to the showdown between Carter and Dottie, which, while entertaining and well choreographed, ended a bit abruptly with Dottie falling out a window into the hangar. One can make the argument that aside from both being very good at what they do, there wasn't much emotional heft or heat behind their inevitable slobberknocker. Fennhoff attempts to hypnotize Sousa, but Sousa, that skilled SOB, had earplugs in. Meanwhile Jarvis is in pursuit of Stark in his own plane, prepared to shoot down his boss.

Carter attempts to talk Stark down (who in his compromised state believes that he's going to rescue Captain America), and only in confronting the fact that Steve Rogers is dead and gone, and they should all move on, that the hypnosis breaks, and New York is saved. Fennoff is arrested and Dottie's body has gone missing (perhaps a setup for season two?). Agent Thompson, of course being the white man that he is, is given credit for stopping the V-E Day attack. Carter breaks it down to Sousa that she knows her own damn value and doesn't need validation from others, because screw their opinion of her.

Stark gives Carter and Angie one of his many properties (with a phone in every room!), and along with pledging loyalty to Carter, Jarvis gifts Carter with the final blood sample from Steve Rogers. In a final scene, she finally says goodbye to the specter of Captain America by dumping his blood in the Hudson River.

In Agent Carter's own post-credits sequence, Fennhoff (with Hannibal Lecter-esqe muzzle) meets his prison cellmate, Arnim Zola, who says they should exchange notes. (Paolo S.) 

Arrow 3x15: Nanda Parbat

Thea can no longer keep her secret from Laurel and tearily confesses that it was she (drugged/controlled by Merlyn) who is responsible for Sara’s death. Laurel doesn’t blame Thea, she blames Merlyn but Oliver still feels the need to lecture Thea on why Laurel should have been kept in the dark. Laurel (smartly) makes Thea realize that they don’t need Merlyn, Merlyn needs THEM in order to stay safe from The League. Thea decides to throw Daddy Merlyn under the bus and gives them the details of his location. Nyssa and her squad land in Starling to take Merlyn and Oliver tries to stop them. Merlyn is whisked off in a copter but Nyssa is captured and caged in the Arrow Cave. That should go over well with R’as.

Oliver takes it upon himself to decide (AGAIN) what is right for the women in his life and heads to Nanda Parbat to save Merlyn; while I can see how in the light of day Thea may come to regret selling out her (murderous, psychopathic, selfish) father it’s not like this is the man who raised her. Diggle knows that there has to be another reason he’s eager to return to the place where he almost died but being the stupidly loyal friend that he is, he goes with Oliver to ensure his return.

Felicity is over Oliver trying to get himself killed, even if she begrudgingly agrees to it for Thea’s sake. She visits Ray who has been working non-stop on his A.T.O.M. suit. She bribes him into showering, eating a meal and getting some sleep by hacking into his system and changing his password (to “password. LOL.) Adorable quips lead to kissing AND to naked time in the sheets (HURRAH!). A rested Ray finally figures out the missing equation and we’re all treated to the first sighting of The Atom zooming off into the Starling City skyline.

Meanwhile, back in the flashbacks (sigh), Maseo, Tatsu and their son are heading to the docks with Oliver, having been debriefed and released. The Yamashiro Family are heading back to Japan and Oliver is heading back to Starling. Except they forgot to factor in Amanda Waller as there are assassins waiting for them at the docks. Oliver ends up securing their son off the docks, separating him from his parents. (Seriously tho, what is Waller’s deal? Unless something else is afoot here.)

It seems totally reasonable that two men would be able to take down the stronghold of The League of Assassins, right? When Oliver and Diggle approach Nanda Parbat I may have laughed out loud. The only reason they even got in is because Ra’s is always eight steps ahead; it’s a trap of course, and Ra’s isn’t letting Merlyn go anywhere. The real shocker is that the reason why Oliver is still alive and not lying dead in the snow full of arrows is because Ra’s wants Oliver to take his place. WHAT. And back in Starling Thea throws herself and her guilty conscience at Nyssa, opening the door to her cage and telling her that she is the one responsible for Sara’s death. GIRL WHAT.

Hero of the Week: Peggy Carter, Agent Carter

Our favorite agent came full circle professionally and emotionally this week in the season finale. She may have had her thunder stolen by Jack Thompson (ugh) but she doesn’t let that influence her own self-worth; Peggy Carter will always get the job done with more clarity and competence than most of her male colleagues. Jarvis gives her the last vial of Steve Rogers’ blood and Peggy finally says her last good-bye to the (first) love of her life. Here’s hoping she takes Sousa up on that drink offer!

Honorable Mention: Edwyn Jarvis, Agent Carter

Jarvis may be the most loyal of Loyal Butlers but it was when he put Peggy’s need for closure above the desires of his employer that proved him to also be the most loyal of loyal friends.

Honorable Mention: Alfred Pennyworth, Gotham

Speaking of Loyal Butlers, Alfred is my favorite part of Gotham, even if I don’t always agree about his parenting choices. Not even a visit from an old military buddy down on his luck would make Alfred budge in his devotion to his ward. Alfred Pennyworth does not worry about saving face, not when it comes to Young Master Bruce.

Honorable Mention: John Diggle, Arrow

If anyone finally gets Oliver to face everything about himself that he denies, it will be John Diggle. He knew that Oliver’s return to face Ra’s wasn’t entirely about saving Thea from the responsibility of her father’s death - it was about getting stabbed in the chest and kicked off a cliff by Ra’s only weeks prior. It’s a very real love that John has for Oliver when he leaves his wife and baby daughter behind to keep his friend safe.

Villain of the Week: Reggie Payne, Gotham

Payne is a double-crossing, backstabbing thug-for-hire and for Alfred’s sake I hope there’s a redemption story in his character arc. Or we could all just watch Alfred kick seven colors of shite out of him. I would be down with that.

Honorable Mention: Agent Thompson, Agent Carter

EXASPERATED SIGH. You almost had me, Jack. You showed us all your soft underbelly in Russia and had become so much LESS of a dick in recent episodes, but taking the credit for capturing Ivchenko/saving NYC? You sir, are a complete and total PUNK. (It’s Chad Michael Murray. I should have known better.)

Honorable Mention: “Dottie Underwood”, Agent Carter

I will never NOT mention this Black Widow because she is AMAZING. Much like Peggy she uses the ignorance of those (men) who would underestimate her or allow her to get shit done right under their noses by hiding in plain sight. I hope they examine the serious resentment and jealousy that Dottie has toward Peggy in the next season and that we get an even larger peek into the world of the Black Widows.

Troy Barnes Award for Evoking The Feelz:

It was too hard to pick just one this week. TOO MANY FEELZ WERE FELT. Both of these moments get the prize:

This whole scene and how it ties back to the scene in Captain America when Steve is nosediving into the ocean? BASKETCASE.

GET OUTTA HE-AH WITH THE MAKING ME CRY ALREADY

Ab-tastic:

I tried to find a screenshot of Agent Sousa in his tank top and I was DEFEATED. I’m very disappointed in the internet right now. Y'all keep talking about that damn dress.

Right in the Kisser:

Sorry, Barbara. I stuck by you initially but now you’re using your bitterness and rejection as an excuse to school young girls on how to use their looks to manipulate others? NOPE. I’m sure you and Jim are the Endgame but please girl, get yourself together.

Agent Sousa is still carrying that light for Peggy and he might finally get that first date since Peggy has finally gotten some closure over losing Steve. 

Every woman in Oliver’s life is fed up with him (shocker) and so I may have whooped with joy when Felicity decided that it was finally time for her and Roy to have some grown-up sexy time. Will it turn into something serious? Probably not but I’m just happy to see Felicity take charge.

Roy reaches out to Thea while she tries to deal with the knowledge that she killed Sara. He tells her about his time under the Mirakiru and how he also killed an innocent man; he copes by doing good deeds for his widow and son. It’s not really the same thing as killing someone you and everyone you love cared about and Thea makes this point. Roy still loves Thea, you can feel it, and he’s so great at being supportive and protective while not insisting on fully inserting himself into all of her decisions. (Oliver could learn from his protege is all I’m saying.)

Biff! Bam! Pow!

LOLOLOL.(image courtesy of winterswans/tumblr.com)

Comic Pages:

Pick of the Week: 

Spider-Gwen #1 by Jason Latour, illustrated by Robbi Rodriguez

Gwen Stacy is the webbed superhero in this universe, except she hasn’t exactly been embraced as a hero just yet; she’s blamed for the death of Peter Parker and every flat-footed cop in NYC is out to get her. Thankfully, she has her friends and band-mates (The MaryJanes!) except she actually doesn’t because she quit the band. DAMMIT. And now The Vulture has decided to make her his next prize. The artwork is STUNNING, the colors so saturated and rich that I want to use them to create a color panel for my guest room. I may also need a Spider-Gwen hoodie. Gwen is snarky and world-weary; basically how every NYC teen is in my imagination. She’s up for fighting the good fight, even if she has yet to be embraced by those she’s trying to help.

-The always wonderful Mary Sue gives us a list of some smaller comic publications that you should really be checking out.

-CBR has been spotlighting comics either written by or illustrated by African-Americans all month long. You can find a complete list (with links) here!

-Kelly Thompson over at Comics Should Be Good is compiling a list of women who are working or have worked in comics in order to create a ballot for the Top 50 Women in Comics list! She was disturbed at the lack of women that made it to the finals of the Top 100 list, so go ahead and click and add your faves to the list, then come back and vote!

-The awesome Noelle Stevenson (Lumberjanes) is going to be writing the new Runaways reboot that’s coming out in May as part of Marvel’s Secret Wars event. The Runaways are a group of teens who find out that their parents are part of a supervillain collective. One rides a velociraptor. I feel that should be noted and taken as a selling point.

-The new Catwoman arc penned by Genevieve Valentine (and starting at #35) is truly fantastic. Selina Kyle has hung up her cat mask (for now) and has agreed to head up the Calabrese crime family in Gotham. In this week’s news - she’s bisexual. (CALLED IT.)

-Comic Book Wonder Couple Matt Fraction and Kelly Sue DeConnick have landed a 2-year deal with Universal TV to adapt some of their comic material for the small screen, as well as original TV concepts. They will use their own TV production company, Milkfed Criminal Masterminds to adapt the work of other comic writers/artists as well. This is HUGE, y’all! I am crossing my fingers for Pretty Deadly and Bitch Planet in but am SUPER excited that Sex Criminals has already been greenlit. It’s a boy-meets-girl story in a world where they can both stop time when having an orgasm and decide to rob banks. And it’s fantastic.

News and Notes:

-OH HELLS YES. Helen Slater is going to be on Supergirl! I know that movie is TERRIBAD but I will never stop loving Slater’s Supergirl and I will never stop being afraid of Faye Dunaway’s crazytown villain! (Also Dean Cain will star but he’s kind of a shmuck so whatevs. No, really. Go look at his Twitter feed. Or Google “Dean Cain” and “American Sniper”. I’ll wait.)

-DC is bringing the Super Friends realness, y’all. A spin-off of Arrow/The Flash is happening that will include Canary (uh, what?), Firestorm, Captain Cold AND The Atom. I don’t even know how to comment on this. #LazarusPit

-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is coming back this week! A new poster was released that hints at Raina’s new Inhuman transformation:

Poor Raina. Exec Producers drop some more knowledge on what the back half of season two will hold for the team, especially in regard to Skye/Quake’s new powers.

-Daredevil is dropping on Netflix on April 10 (mark your calendars!) and they’ve released a new poster and some stills from the show.

So how many tiimes did you openly weep during the Agent Carter finale? Thoughts on the next season? Are you still recovering from watching Fish Mooney spoon out her eyeball? How the hell is Caity Lotz going to be on this new DC show? And is Oliver ever going to stop telling everyone what to do? (Spoiler alert - no.)
 

Last week, we announced this year’s FYA Teen Heartthrob Madness and voted Mr. Jordan Rodrigues in as our wildcard. But since it’s now March (rabbit, rabbit), the time has come for the real action to begin. Over the next few days, we’ll be presenting hard scientific evidence (i.e., some really fabulous photos) for you to peruse while making your votes for the hottest and the hearthrobbiest of the teen idols in this year’s contest.

Before we get to the polls, here’s the interactive Tiger Beat bracket:

And now, the contenders!

(1) Justin Timberlake vs. (16) Neil Patrick Harris

To be honest, my first ‘NSYNC love was Lance Bass. But as I got a little older, when Justin’s bleach blonde curls started calling my name, I shifted my allegiances and have never looked back. (Sorry Lance. I think you’ve done OK for yourself.) Even now that’s he’s grown and much more dapper, I still have hope that the curls will make a resurgence one day. NPH is adorable, and he’s certainly grown up to be quite nice to look at (even in tighty whiteys), but I want to pinch baby NPH’s cheeks rather than smooch them.

(8) Jonathan Taylor Thomas vs. (9) JC Chasez

I’m pretty sure my best friend in middle school had this picture of JTT on her wall, and although I never quite understood her love of him, he was definitely the dreamiest of the three Taylor siblings. And although JC was my third pick from the ‘NSYNC lineup, his voice was always my favorite. It’s really too bad his solo career never took off.

(5) Christian Slater vs. (12) Jake Gyllenhaal

I was slightly too young to jump on the Christian Slater bandwagon, but I can understand his pale, bad-boy appeal. I was just the right age, however, to watch October Sky and fall hard and fast for the young Jake Gyllenhaal (even with his terrible hair).

(4) Luke Perry vs. (13) Michael J. Fox

I was also a little too young (or slightly too over-parented?) to be able to watch Beverly Hills, 90210, so I never really got to know Luke in his prime. But man, oh, man, I watched the three Back to the Future movies multiple times (on VHS!), and knew that Michael had something special. Plus, even though I was a free-spirit, there was something appealing about straight-laced Alex P. Keaton.

(6) Jason Priestley vs. (11) Tyrese

Like I said above, I never watched the original 90210 (or the recent remake, but I digress). But if I had, I think I would have chosen Brandon over Dylan, solely for those luscious locks. (Was Brandon vs. Dylan a thing? I have no idea.) But dayum, son, Tyrese’s muscles. ‘Nuff said, amirite?

(3) Taylor Kitsch vs. (14) John Cusack

I’m going to lose some serious FYA cred for revealing this, but I only recently started watching Friday Night Lights. So until recently, I never quite understood the appeal of Tim Riggins. I do know that he’s Major Business around these parts, however, so I think y’all know all about him and his many fine qualities. On the other hand, John is a classic, so this this a hard one for me. There are only so many people who will give you their heart in exchange for a pen and who can look that good in a trenchcoat while making a grand gesture.

(7) Usher vs. (10) Penn Badgley

I’m sorry—regardless of looks, in a battle between an entitled rich kid and a guy with serious dance moves, the guy with the moves will win every time. (Even if he did hang out with Justin Bieber.) Plus, Usher’s abs totally win over Penn’s penchant for the deep-V tee.

(2) Joshua Jackson vs. (15) Joey Lawrence

There’s something about the sidekick that gets the girl (even when he has a severe lapse in judgement and sleeps with his teacher). On Dawson’s Creek, Joshua grew from awkward duckling (see what I did there?) into leading man material, and it was easy to see why Joey picked him in the end. And speaking of Joey, the other Joey proves there can be exceptions to the whole “no one can pull off vests with no shirts” rule. Whoa indeed.

That’s all for today! Check back tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday for the rest of the matchups. Be sure to cast your votes for the entirety of Round One by this Saturday (March 7) at midnight; we’ll post the results Sunday.

Before we go, I have to know: Do any of these guys have the star power to go all the way? Let’s discuss in the comments below!