The Road So Far

Welcome back, Supernatural superfans! It’s week twelve of the rewatch project and we’re ushering in a whole new season of monsters, angst, and manly hugs. To celebrate, the drinking game has been tweaked!

Cheers to extra opportunities for boozin’!

THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME

Take a drink every time:

•  Dean or Sam flashes a badge

•  A demon possesses some hapless schmuck

•  Sam tries to talk about feelings only to be spurned by Dean

•  Dean crams his face full of junk food

•  Anyone makes a deal with a demon

•  Either brother picks a lock

•  Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias

•  The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty

2x1: In My Time of Dying

Monster of the Week: Reaper/Yellow-Eyed Demon

We begin with a close up on the twisted, broken body of The Glorious and Faithful Impala. The demon-possessed trucker who destroyed it in the finale stalks closer to our wounded Winchesters. Sam alone is conscious. Also? Armed. He threatens the demon with the Colt and it promptly exorcises itself. Helicopter rescue crews arrive on the scene and take them all away.

At the hospital, Dean wanders the halls looking for his family, unable to get anyone’s attention. With good reason as it turns out, when he sees his own body lying comatose in a hospital bed! While Papa and Sam both made out it of the accident okay, Dean sustained major injuries and now his spirit is in a liminal space, caught between life and death. Ghost Dean listens as the doctor delivers the bad news to Sam that it’s unlikely he’ll ever wake up.

Things go from bad to worse when Ghost Dean catches a freaky apparition hovering over his bedside, and his body starts coding. It’s a Reaper! He manages to scare it off through the power of yelling really loud, and his body stabilizes.

Now go away, or I will scream at you a second time.

Ghost Dean meets another spirit in the hospital, who turns out to be a manifestation of the Reaper. She says death is nothing to fear and it’s his time to go. When he tries to refuse, she says that’s his choice, but if he stays he’ll roam the earth as a vengeful spirit, turning into the very kind of creature he hunts. Dilemma, darlings!

Ghost Dean tries everything he can to think of a solution, even brainstorming with Sam over a Ouija board. But nothing presents itself. Luckily, Papa has another idea. He makes an esoteric grocery list for Sam and uses the ingredients to summon the yellow-eyed demon himself.

The first glimpse of our Season 2 villain!

Papa’s willing to trade the Colt for Dean’s life. The demon, as they are wont to do, draws out the tortuous moment, needling John about whether he knows the truth about Sam. What truth you ask? John may know, but we don’t get to find out yet. In the end, the demon is willing to save Dean, but only if Papa throws his own life/soul into the bargain, and we officially have our first deal with the devil, y’all! Expect many more to come.

The yellow-eyed demon attacks the Reaper and a moment later, Dean finds himself recovered. The Winchesters all gather together one final time and knowing what’s coming, Papa tries to make nice with Sam. Then he sends him out for coffee and lays his final burden on Dean, whispering the secret of what he’s done.

Worst game of telephone, ever.

Papa walks out the Colt and Sam returns with coffee only to find his old man’s body, dead on the floor.

Brotherly Angst Quotient: Sacrificial

As you might expect, a fair amount of angsting occurs in this episode. But nothing says Winchester family drama quite so much as when as Sam and Papa yell at each other while poor ghost Dean dances around in the background, trying to get them to stop, his helpless rage growing to the point where he briefly becomes a poltergeist.

Y’all need Jesus. Or at least a good family counselor.

For his part, John actually managed to get it together enough at the end to tell Sam he didn’t want to argue anymore and to tell Dean he was really and truly sorry for the burdens he placed on him as a child. You know, right before he uses his last breath to burden him with the secret of his sacrifice.

Yellow-Eyed Demon Hunt: Appears as Dean’s unlikely savior.

How Drunk Are We?: Bottoms up on 4 drinks, mostly due to demon possession

The Quotable Winchesters: “Dude, I full on Swayze-d that mother.” –Ghost Dean, on his brief stint as a poltergeist.

Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:

Winchester slumber party!

Notable Cameos:

Fredric Lehne, of Lost and American Horror Story plays the yellow-eyed demon (recurring role)

Lindsey McKeon of One Tree Hill plays the Reaper (recurring role)

2x2: Everybody Loves a Clown

Monster of the Week: Killer Clown

At a carnival, a little girl sees a clown.

STAB IT STAB IT STAB IT FOREVER

Because (one assumes) the girl has all the sense of a Labrador Retriever on Molly, she is delighted, rather than terrified by the sight. When it appears outside of her house later that night, she laughingly invites it in where it promptly murders her parents.

Meanwhile, with their dad gone, the Winchester brothers are especially keen on killing the yellow-eyed demon. They go to Harville’s, a bar run by hunters for hunters, to look up a friend of Papa’s named Ellen.

Where everybody knows your name (so long as you’re a monster-hunting drifter)

They find her, along with her pretty blonde daughter, Jo, who, not knowing the boys are friends, pulls a gun on Dean. When Dean grabs it away from her, she punches him and takes it back. Dean is, of course, immediately lovestruck. The pretty blonde is Ellen’s daughter, Jo. Being a person in possession of working eyeballs, Jo is also into Dean. The third member of Harville’s motley crew is Ash.

Not this one.

This one.

The be-mulleted hunter takes all of Papa’s scattered demon research, promising to compile it into something that makes a little more sense. Meanwhile, Ellen sends Sam and Dean to investigate the clown murders.

The boys are on the case! Sam, less enthusiastically so as he is rightly horrified by clowns with their grease-paint smudges, rictus grins and unconscionable color combinations. NO CLOWN, CLOWN IS BAD. *checks bathroom for Pennywise, settles uneasily back in front of TV*

To find their bad guy, the boys join up, working as carnies in what might be the only honest labor I’ve ever seen either do. They eventually track the creature to the funhouse where Sam wrenches a piece of brass organ pipe loose and stabs it. It dies. You know, probably. It’s totally not lurking behind you right now.

Brotherly Angst Quotient: We’re all okay, okay?

The angst simmers nicely as the boys put Papa to rest with a full-on Viking funeral pyre. Sam reaches out again and again to Dean, trying to share their grief. Dean? Not interested.

It’s that third “okay” that really sells it.

But he’s actually not okay AT ALL. He’s so bad off that he takes out his grief on the poor, charred remains of The Glorious and Faithful Impala.

NOOOOOOOO!

Yellow-Eyed Demon Hunt: Being tracked by a computer program put together by M.I.T. dropout and Harvelle Roadhouse’s resident barfly, Ash.

How Drunk Are We?: Tipsy. Take three drinks from Sam’s rebuffed attempts to discuss his feelings.

The Quotable Winchesters: “I know what you're thinking Sam. Why did it have to be clowns.” –Dean, making big brothers everywhere proud.

Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:

The fic’s not between Jo and Dean. It’s between Dean and Jo’s gun.

Notable Cameos:

Alona Tal of Veronica Mars and Burn Notice plays Jo (recurring role)

Next week: Vampires and Zombies

BOOK REPORT for One Man Guy by Michael Barakiva

Cover Story: I'm a Real Boy Now!
Drinking Buddy: Genatz!
Testosterone Level: LGBT Who Cares?
Talky Talk: Cue Laugh Track
Bonus Factors: Armenia, Awesome Female BFF
Bromance Status: Good Friend's Annoying Boyfriend

Cover Story: I'm a Real Boy Now!

Okay, the picture of Alek and Ethan as marionettes is totally adorable, and they look just like they're described in the book. But I don't really get the Pinocchio thing.

The Deal:

Fourteen-year-old Alek knows something is up, the second his parents take him and his brother out to dinner. Armenians never go out to dinner. Seems that Alek's grades have slipped. Not a lot, but enough that he might not end up on the honor track. So Alek is going to be going to summer school this year. He'll be missing tennis camp...and the family vacation. Unlike his older brother Nik, the perfect Aremenian son.

Consoled by his best friend Becky, Alek buckles down for weeks of academic misery. Until he meets upperclassman Ethan. Ethan the skater. Ethan the slacker. Ethan, who shows Alek how to break the rules and enjoy New York City. Ethan the hottie. Ethan the out and proud gay guy.

Alek has been kind of struggling with his own sexuality. There's a wonderful awkward scene where he tries to come out to Becky and she thinks he's coming on to her...finally!

But awkwardness aside, can Alek throw off the chains of trying to be a good Armenian boy and start dating a non-Armenian of the same sex?

Drinking Buddy: Genatz!

I liked Alek, but I wouldn't hang out with him. I kept expecting the blowup with his parents a lot sooner, and when it finally came, it was more about defending brother Nik and his girlfriend, rather than Alek's own life choices. Seriously, you've been kicked off the family vacation. The emotional blackmail alone should get you awesome Christmas presents for the rest of his life.

Still, he's likeably awkward, and when he lets his parents push him around, well, he is only a freshman.

Testosterone Level: LGBT Who Cares?

Yet another LGBTQ YA book that's about people, not sexuality. Ethan is cool enough that Alek is accepted by proxy. Becky is merely annoyed that he didn't come out to her sooner. As for Alek's parents (spoiler alert), they're angry when they find out he's dating a bad boy...because he's bad, not that he's a boy.

"And don't for a moment think this excuses you from providing us with grandchildren!"

Talky Talk: Cue Laugh Track

Let's see, a sheltered person whose parents are totally obsessed with the old country. They love America, while finding fault with all Americans. The hero breaks out of their shell, takes a class, and ends up dating a great guy whom the parents initially don't like. The hero has a perfect older sibling who constantly shows up the hero, but is also protective, and when it comes down to it, is always in their corner.

All that aside, Alek's Armenian family were so stereotypically 'ethnic' that they would make a sitcom writer cringe. They torture waitresses with insane requests. They gossip and backstab. They resent all things Turkish. They're obsessed with their sons' schooling. I think the author was trying to highlight his own Armenian heritage, but the parents came off as caricatures. The same ethnic humor we've seen in a hundred bad TV shows about whacky Italian/Jewish/Hispanic/Arabic/Korean/Polish/Indian families.

Bonus Factor: Armenia

You have to admit, this is certainly an underused ethnic group in YA literature. And one with a rich history. Did you ever hear of the Armenian Genocide? Over a million Armenians were killed by the Ottomans during the first World War. Alek's parents certainly remember, they lost family there. So when Nik reveals that his perfect, wonderful, Armenian girlfriend is actually half-Turkish...it's a big problem.

Bonus Factor: Awesome Female BFF

So Becky has been Alek's BBF forever. And yeah, she was hoping she'd end up as more, but she's supportive when she realizes that's not going to happen. But it's Alek's loss, because she's all kind of awesome. The crazy-dressing, roller blading, film buff who always has Alek's back. Her character is the most likeable in the book by far.

Bromance Status: Good Friend's Annoying Boyfriend

I liked the book, but more for the message than for the main characters. And for Becky, of course.

The DUFF comes out this Friday, and we can't wait to see Mae Whitman crush it alongside Chloe King Skyler Samuels and HRH Allison Janney. I mean, just watch this trailer and try not to be charmed. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.

As major fans of teen movies (obvs), we're excited to devour this one whole, and to celebrate, we're giving away:

- A copy of the book
- A t-shirt (see below)
- A signed poster

For your chance to win, leave a comment with your favorite character transformation in a teen movie.

Open to U.S. mailing addresses only. Prizing provided by CBS Films.

Follow The DUFF on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

Previously on The Originals: Freya teams up with Finn, Finn curses Kol to die, Finn tries to hunt down Hope, Elijah blows up a building, and Hope stops traffic.

The Original Dysfunctional Family Drama

Oh snap, you guys, that was certainly one way to leave us before a two-week hiatus!

HOPE’S HIDEAWAY FOR HYBRID HOMEBODIES: Just as Cami finds the last payphone in Arkansas, Elijah shows up (somehow magically untouched by the EXPLODING HOUSE) to escort Cami and Hope to safety. Upon hearing what happened, Hayley freaks out and starts packing so she can go to her daughter, but Klaus tells her “a queen does not run,” and assures Hayley that she and Hope will be safe in the compound.

BACK IN THE BAYOU: Klaus shows up with a wedding present for Jackson: the severed heads of all the werewolves who refused to give up Finn’s moonlight rings. Can you register for that, and more importantly, do you think Nordstrom’s generous return policy would let you return them?

DAVINA’S ATTIC OF WITCHCRAFT AND WONDER: Kol and Davina flirt all the flirts and then work on the spell for the magical dagger. It seems to work, but it triggers a nosebleed, which Kol plays off as an effect of the spell. Ladies’ man to the end, he invites Davina to the wedding; she accepts but insists that if there is music, they will be dancing.

MORGUE FOR MURDEROUS MIKAELSONS: Freya is up to no good as she goes to the morgue, unzips a really disgustingly (yet somehow kind of…less than you’d think) injured Finn, and starts spellcasting. He’s back. Yippee.

KLAUS’ KLASSY KOMPOUND: The real magic is happening at the compound, where Rebekah just happens to have a closet of wedding dresses for Hayley. Fearful that Hayley would wear combat boots to a wedding (which sounds kind of awesome to me, I wish my husband would have been okay with that), she gives Hayley a dress. Side note: I love that sleeves on wedding dresses are coming back into style. Rebekah welcomes Hayley to the family, and then runs off to help Kol.

Outside, Aiden and Josh are reunited, at which point Aiden promptly dumps Aiden – citing danger to vampires from the werewolves. What! Treat Josh like an adult!

Inside, the wedding preparations are going full speed. Hayley and Jackson are wincing at the over-the-top décor when Klaus presents Hope to her mother. In a ridiculous display of cuteness, Hayley introduces Hope to Jackson, and the baby throws herself at him. WHO WOULDN’T. Elijah looks upon the happy scene, dramatically glowering.

Which is why I really love the scene between in which Elijah starts to tell Hayley “I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you—“ and she cuts him off. He had plenty of time to tell her that he loves her, and waiting until her wedding day is downright selfish. Hayley chews him out, telling Elijah that Jackson loves her and she thinks she can be happy with him. You had your chance, Elijah, and I’m totally on Hayley’s side here.

As Jackson’s getting dressed, Aiden approaches him and asks what Jackson thinks of the werewolf/vampire situation. Jackson realizes that Aiden’s asking for himself, and notes that while Aiden might be trying to protect Josh, “there’s no way we’ll win this fight without something to fight for.” Aw.

Hayley wanders in to make sure Jackson isn’t wearing a flannel tux – I laughed out loud here – and he presents her with a pretty necklace with her “mineral totem” as her wedding gift. Then it’s wedding time, and as Klaus and Elijah look on, the werewolves and vampires are united in front of the compound. Best part: a hilarious CGI-eye-thing that’s supposed to signify the werewolves getting the powers of both Hayley and Jackson. (Later that evening, Hayley tells Jackson that she didn't just marry him for Hope and the pack -- she married him for herself, too.)

Elijah guesses correctly that Klaus is awfully smiley and charming for a reason, and that reason is that he is not planning to let Jackson live long. Elijah later challenges Klaus by suggesting that his brother is terrified Jackson might make a better father. But the brotherly argument doesn’t last too long because there’s a parade (when isn’t there a parade -- they probably have parades on grocery shopping day), then Klaus decides to make a wedding toast.

He asks all the werewolves to protect and welcome baby Hope (SURPRISE! She’s alive), and invites Hayley and Jackson to live at the compound with him. Oh, that won’t be awkward or anything…especially because Elijah has decided to be Marcel’s roomie instead. But the Mikaelsons have got to go, because Rebekah shows up and informs them of Kol’s impending demise, and they run off to the cemetery to be with him in his final moments.

Hmm, Kol’s death – I’m not sure whether to be sad or not, because, well, is he really staying dead? (That’s the trouble with The Originals and The Vampire Diaries – death never really is final, and so these deathbed scenes often have a manipulative quality.) I will be very sad if Daniel Sharman stays gone, because he’s a great counterbalance to Klaus’ psychotic charm and Elijah’s brooding nobility. But it does produce several great moments in which the Mikaelsons refuse to let Kol die alone, informing him that “always and forever is not something you can just weasel out of.” Sniffle. Come back soon, Kol (and wow, that is a sentence I just typed.)

The Original Mythology

- Freya has a “talisman” that focuses her power, which apparently is different from all the other talismans that this show has lying around.

- Hayley’s necklace symbolizes healing and courage.

The Original Body Count

- RIP Koleb, whose face and accent are gone too soon. Boy, Davina just can NOT catch a break with her boyfriends, can she?

The Original Elegant Uncle Elijah Ruined Suit Count: 4.5

- The suit remains unscathed, but for the Single Man Tear.

The Original WTF

- Marcel seems to recognize Rebekah, even in her new body.

- Another moment of appreciation for Hayley’s flannel tux line, perfectly delivered.

- And one for Klaus’ wedding gift. Jackson’s reaction, “Am I crazy or is this his version of doing something nice?” was perfect.

- Finally, thank you for making Kol actually look like he is dying horribly. He looked rough.

The Original Joseph Morgan Award For Tortured Hot People

I think Jackson wins it, although ever since one of our commenters mentioned it last week, I’m intrigued by the thought of this all being a con. He does seem almost too good to be true, but on the other hand, he might seem too good to be true because he’s not a homicidal maniac. I don’t know, but let’s all petition the writers to show us what a flannel tux would look like.

Next episode: Klaus wants to use the wolf army for his own purposes (SURPRISE), and Finn wants Freya to give him power.

Well, what did we think? Is Kol staying dead? Did you like the wedding? Is Elijah’s brooding getting on your nerves?

Welcome back to the YA Movie News Roundup! Let's do it.

Reviews for Fifty Shades of Grey are mounting up, and they are largely negative, because this movie is silly. Check out FYA's hilarious take here, and BAD's here. This Variety piece is pretty harsh. And Devin has an interesting editorial on how Fifty Shades' objective badness should in no way contribute to the cultural myth that all "women's movies" suck.

And in other Fifty Shades news: remember that ghastly Jamie Dornan cake from last week? The real Jamie Dornan ate it.

Emma Watson and The 100's Jasper are in an Amenabar movie about cults! So is Ethan Hawke, but I'm having trouble finding a YA angle on him. 

(Jasper's not in the trailer, but he's credited pretty high on the IMDb page.)

New Outlander trailer!

Aloha trailer:

Though I mostly agree with the top 8 or so, this "Definitive Ranking" of characters' importance on Veronica Mars is pretty controversial.

OH HI HARRY POTTER FUNKO FIGURES <3

First—make sure to check out the FYA valentines that went up over the weekend! It's no #rogeliomybrogelio t-shirt, but they are still pretty great.

You guys called (a small corner of) it! A big Miami (and lavender telenovela shirt) welcome to Aaron Zazo, Roman's non-violent, kidnapped-by-a-Mexican-cartel TWIN brother!

I only hope this puts the odds of dead-Emilio being a twin even HIGHER. Because sad Raf needs a chance to prove himself (and stop making me cry).

THIS WEEK'S MVP(arent)

Alba, for being her usual wise self and bequeathing just the advice Jane needed to hear to send her to Raf's rescue.

BEST TELENOVELA TWIST

The ACTUAL telenovela twist to Jane's life, of course!

Runner up: Rose A) revealing Emilio's whereabouts and B) doing so so quickly. Not expected!

BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT

The baby registry was THIS CLOSE to not being named as a Target deal at all, which subtlety always wins me over. But I'm tired of giving Target the award! So:

Hey—it's a GREAT song.

PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN

Jane and Rafael are accidental co-parents, but luckily have also fallen in love. The doctor who performed that rogue artificial insemination is Luisa, Rafael's formerly alcoholic, formerly sober, formerly shamanized, currently mental institutioned sister. The woman who put her there? Their stepmother (and Luisa's ex-lover) Rose, AKA Sin Rostro, the WOman without a face, who also btws buried their father in cement and has fled the country. And Michael, wonder of wonders, is actually ON THE CASE!!

THIS WEEK

Adult flashback! Five-ish years ago, to super mature and overprepared Jane, laying out her 5 (10…15, tops) year plan to Xiomara and Alba: save money by attending the University of Miami, work at the same time so as not to go into debt, write on the side throughout. Be tenured, published, and married without kids (yet) by thirty. Get her life settled first.

Simultaneous adult flashback! To RAFAEL five-ish years ago, at dinner with Emilio, Luisa, and the blonde of the month, where he is enduring Emilio's enumeration of Rafael's many failures and telling him he needs to work for the hotel company or be cut off. "You have done absolutely NOTHING with your life," Emilio spits, sarcastically toasting Raf with his wine.

"I am SO PROUD of you," Xiomara says to Jane on the other side of Miami, clasping her hand lovingly.

THANK YOU, PAST PARENTS

As always—good luck, you crazy kids.

OITNB Baby Registries

Speaking of crazy kids, these two are filling out their registry in advance of Jane's upcoming baby shower (where there will be NO cutesy games, thankyouverymuch). Jane's got the baby market nailed, too—it's all marketing! They need a non-prison-y, let baby explore its identity crib and that's IT. Well…TWO non-prisony, let baby e cribs, one for Jane's place and one for the penthouse.

Pause to reflect on #Jafael's future family arrangements/foreshadow Chapter Fifteen.

Before they can settle into any discussion about the wisdom of buying two of everything rather than making some more concrete steps in figuring out when they will take the next step to live together WITH THEIR BABY, there is a knock at the door. Behind the knock? Michael. His news? SIN ROSTRO IS ROSE.

via

Michael tries to make Rafael uncomfortable by suggesting that perhaps he doesn't want sweet, innocent Jane to hear all the sordid Solano details, but NO DICE, DUDE. Rafael wants Jane in the game always. And so begins the most shocking afternoon in Jane's life since the first time the Solanos inserted (ARTIFICALLY) themselves into it four and half months ago.

The Hunt (for Trust) is On

To Michael's credit, he does finally seem to legitimately be after Sin Rostro/Rose, and not after taking Rafael down. After Michael explains everything that they have discovered about Rose, and their suspicion that she might have altered her own face—AND after Jane imagines her guys in telenovela lavender, slapping each other after the accusation that Rafael might know of Emlio's wherabouts/be abetting him—Michael asks that both of them keep the lines of communication open and pass along any information, no matter how minor, that might help locate Emilio and/or Rose and/or Roman Zazo's killer.

Also, Michael is going to need to talk to Luisa, so where can he reach her? Ah, there's the terrible detective I know and resent. MICHAEL. THE SOLANOS ARE YOUR CASE. YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE LUISA IS. Of course, if he already knew, Rafael wouldn't have the opportunity to repeat aloud the ways in which he betrayed her, or to have the visible (shocked) realization that ROSE WAS PLAYING THEM and that he needs to get Luisa out, stat.

And so Rafael leaves to devote his WHOLE afternoon to doing this AND NOTHING ELSE, and Jane leaves to change for her shift and DEFINITELY NOT check up on Rafael's moves after she overhears a suspicious phone call about "money" and "him" and "getting out of this mess."

In case it wasn't obvious, neither does what they promise the other they are doing. Rafael is splitting his afternoon between procuring Power of Attorney over Luisa in order to spring her from the mental hospital, and settling the final details of paying off Aaron Zazo's Mexican cartel kidnappers. And Jane is knocking on doors she sees Raf secretly back out of, finding Aaron Zazo, himself. Who she, naturally, thinks is Roman. Who is supposed to be dead. Which, naturally, tips her telenovela freakout over the edge.

via

To JANE'S credit, her first instinct is to chase after Rafael and get an explanation from him. Unfortunately, she runs into Michael along the way, and he is so good at reading her SO OBVIOUS tells that he knows she is lying about something and also scared, and pulls out of her the Zazo secret Rafael was keeping.

Just FYI there was no actual intro title card for Aaron. Could this nonviolent "twin" be a lie??

Rafael readily brings Aaron down to meet Michael and Jane and explain the whole business—Rafael found Aaron through a private investigator, who tracked him to a charity in Mexico, where he was subsequently kidnapped by a drug cartel that Raf had to secretly pay off in order to retrieve him from safely, and he has been hiding in the Marbella until the final payments went through—but he does not so readily forgive Jane. He thought she trusted him. What happened?

Well, as Jane discovered when her BFF Lena showed off the adorable partner questionnaire she made for Jane's baby shower, it turns out Jane and Raf haven't had enough time to actually get to know each other well enough to have built up the level of trust that their shopping for cribs and baby buggies might otherwise suggest. And, btws, Rafael didn't trust Jane enough to tell her about Aaron in the first place. Which—secrecy for saftey, she knows!, but really, who was she going to tell?

Fair, fair, all fair. And they laugh and promise to get to know each other well enough to build the trust they both want and then they kiss and make up.

via

Good fight, good resolution.

Luisa and the Crazy Green Mile

Man, this was LUISA'S EPISODE. Rafael and Jane putting Sin Rostro + two together and setting to work getting Luisa released is all well and good, but Luisa's doing just fine on her own. Knowing that Sin Rostro is putting her family in danger (even if she does have the players backward) and that her being in a mental institution isn't helping her convince anyone, let alone the police, that she knows what she is talking about, Luisa has decided to break her way out and take care of the Solanos, herself. In fact, she has a plan—one that she has been building on since Rose came to "visit" her during the hurricane.

After showing Silent Betty the stolen brooch with which she is going to pick the lock, and explaining how she is going to use the daily visit of the really basic "hot" delivery guy as a distraction to get past the desk nurse, Luisa makes her escape. She is ALMOST caught by another nurse on duty, but then Betty, who hasn't spoken in 12 years, screams bloody murder and creates just enough distraction for Luisa to make it out the Staff Only door.

via

True friend love.

…where she runs straight into Rafael, who has come to sign her out. Still, way to take care of yourself, Luisa!

After she lays into Raf once more for being such a poor brother to her (says the kettle who risked his entire share of the Marbella on her medical malpractice insurance), Luisa find herself back in her suite at the Marbella, where she pulls out a keepsake box and finds a parchment Dear John letter from Rose. I have so much I need to tell you, says letter-Rose. First though is that *your father* can be found where there was fireworks.

Which sends Luisa, still in her hospital pajamas, to sit IN THE DECORATIVE POOL that was built in the trench where Rose cemented Emilio. "I think dad is underneath me," she tells Raf tearfully as he, Jane and Michael race down to see what security is freaking out about.

Not a spoiler: she's right.

Luisa FInally Tells The Greatest Love Story Ever

While Rafael starts his second act freakout over how to react to the news that the father you never stopped disappointing is dead and gone before you could redeem yourself/right when the ex-wife you thought you got rid of has shown up as equal owner to the hotel said dead father took control of from you, while simultaneously making funeral AND business preparations (it's a whole thing), Luisa heads down to the police station to tell Michael everything she knows about Rose.

And that means everything. Which gives us the third adult flashback! "Well, it was about five years ago," Luisa starts, "and I was at a girl bar…"

Rose walked in looking like Bridget Regan and wearing a tight red dress and her LIE OF A RED WIG, and totally swept Luisa off her feet. She offered to buy our lady doctor a drink, but Luisa was freshly sober. "I'm just getting out of the drug world, myself," Rose said, smoothly.

via

I want to believe Luisa and Rose are soulmates, but it is difficult when Rose is SO GOOD and puns and double entendres and Luisa is SO INCAPABLE of appreciating them.

Also, did Luisa mention the red dress? Because DAMN, is the point. And then they sat by the pool talking (about the "business" deal Rose was trying to close, AKA marriage to Emilio) and falling in love and also smooching and also LOTS AND LOTS OF pool sex.

via

Then the next night at the family dinner where Emilio was laying into Raf, Rose appeared, smoochin' up on Emilio. And then she and Luisa lied to each other a lot about what they really wanted, and thus their short affair was (temporarily) ended.

It was a relief for Luisa to finally tell this story and have someone believe her, but it also took a lot out of her, as evidenced by her longing look at the mini bar when she returns to her room. She is saved from relapsing (into alcoholism, at least) by a phone call from ROSE, who we only see from behind, in shadow (in a shot set up to look almost exactly like the introduction to the blonde clone in Orphan Black—thanks, tumblr!). 

"You're the only thing in my life in the last five years that was real," Rose tells Luisa as preamble to asking her to run away with her. And that is sweet and all, but all I can find myself caring about it is that severe blonde bob. RIP Rose's glorious red tresses.

Also, FYI: your guesses about Rose's accomplice are ALL OVER the board. Minus Milos, who I do not think should be discounted. But Lachlan was the ultimate frontrunner, with about a third of the vote. Guess we'll see!

Anyway, let's try to guess Who Killed Zazo? 

Luisa's Big Decision(s)

See? Luisa's episode!

So we don't actually get to see Luisa answer Rose. Instead, we see her crying on a sofa in the Marbella lobby after Emilio's funeral service, where Rafael finds her and pours his heart out apologizing for how he treated her wrt the mental hospital. And because the guy can't catch a (business) break, he can't afford to put enough distance between that (true) apology and the next (just as true) request he has of Luisa: that she give him her share of the Marbella. Because, you see, that silent partner company he sold a 33% share to last week…has landed in Petra's hands. (See telenovela-styled gif above) And she is trying to push the Solanos into the shadows and make hers the new public face of the hotel. And he knows how little interest Luisa has in the Marbella's business, so rather than making her sit through meetings and make decisions, he'll just take over her share. 

It is really a win/win/win. But—and I don't think Raf didn't expect this!—it goes over pretty poorly when immediately following that apology, plus Emilio's funeral, plus the news the Rose was playing them all. And Luisa doesn't hold back from telling him exactly how shitty he's making himself sound.

The opposite of "basic"

She does, at least, agree to hand over her shares. Only (and I SAW her lurking in the background!), Petra overhears this heartbreaking family discussion and immediately swoops in, sympathy face turned on full, fake story about her own ashram and shaman ready to woo Luisa into handing her 33% over to Petra. Because money, as Luisa told Raf, is the root of their famiy's problems. And she wants to do all she can to help her brother dig himself out of depending upon it.

And then she disappears from the Marbella, another step ahead of Michael, who gets word of Rose's clandestine text message run-away-with-me offer hours too late to do anything about it.

Intimacy is Hard

Is the lesson that both Raf and Jane AND Rogelio and Xiomara have to learn this week.

The latter only appear in the episode briefly, to continue their awkward dance towards telling each other how they feel in the wake of Rogelio's offer to take a lead role in a Mexican telenovela last week. This week, a second offer has appeared: to be the SECOND lead in his arch-nemesis' show, which would be hard on his pride, but would keep him in Miami. Xo is unwilling to say anything to make him stay on her account, Ro is unwilling to say anything to make her feel pressured to react any certain way, and it takes Jane sitting them down in the Villanueva kitchen and acting as mediator to get them to admit what we all already know: they have very strong feelings for each other and want to see where they go. And then they act on those feelings. Oh la laaaaaaa.

And so Rogelio is going to swallow his diva pride and stay, with Xo's love to help him shine. And Alba and Jane are going to learn to love Pasión Intergalactica, the SPACE THEMED TELENOVELA ROGELIO WILL NOW BE ON BE STILL MY TREMBLING HEART.

YES A MILLION TIMES YES

This is also the moment when Alba, in all her wisdom, tells Jane that being open and intimate with someone is the hardest thing, especially when you love them. And that one misstep in trust—like what she and Raf had in the first act with regards to Aaron Zazo—can make opening up about emotions even harder. Like what is going with Raf since the news of his father, him shutting Jane out of his thought (and emotional) processes entirely.

And so Jane returns to the Marbella to prepare a feast of Chinese takeout for Raf to return home to after his long day at the funeral and finding his share in the Marbella reduced to the minority.

"I don't know what you like to eat when you're sad," Jane says, "but I will learn." And then she says the thing that Raf needs to hear most: the she is so sorry that he lost his father. Nothing about Sin Rostro. Nothing about the hotel. Nothing about any Zazo of any stripe. Just—you lost your father, and I am so sorry. And also that she wants Raf to know that he can trust her with his heart. And then he does, and admits to her the struggle for his father's approval that he's been working through for so many years, and that he won't ever be able to accomplish now that Emilio is dead.

He's crying, she's crying, we're all crying. And then she says THE WORDS:

via

It is difficult for me to watch this without tearing up, tbh. Care and mutual support and time = love. Not societal pressure. Not sexytimes.

SHOW YOU ARE GREAT.

Jane stays the night to comfort him, of course, and the next morning wakes up to the return of his glowing smile, and the declaration that they should move in together.

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN and cue Catholic guilt.

NEXT WEEK

via

So…that looks promising. Of DRAMA.

<-- Jane the Virgin 1x13: Chapter Thirteen

Jane the Virgin 1x15: Chapter Fifteen -->

Last week, on The O.C.

Follow the whole rewatch here!

Welcome back to The O.C. Rewatch Project, where we are now firmly ensconced in Season Two. Last week, Britt asked me two questions: how do I feel about bearded Jimmy Cooper? I AM FOR IT. Beach Bum Jimmy is my kinda Jimmy. And how much did I love/hate Marissa's patio furniture tantrum? I loved it so much! It's seriously an O.C. high point for me. It's the most O.C. thing that has ever happened.

Let's drink to skinny rich white girls throwing their patio furniture in the pool in a fit of rage!

The O.C. Drinking Game

Drink Once every time:

The ladies have a convo while primping in front of a mirror

Seth makes a nerdy reference

Someone says "Chino"

Anyone plays a video game

Summer says "ew"

Anyone eats a bagel

Anyone references The Valley

Drink Twice every time:

Someone says "Newpsie"

Fisticuffs occur (three times for pool fights!)

Someone grabs a cup of coffee

Ryan and Seth read comic books

Someone reminds us that Kaitlin Cooper exists

Onto the episodes!

2.02 "The Way We Were"

It's the first day of school, and Ryan and Seth are both nervous about meeting up with the respective women they abandoned at the end of last season. Seth's right to be afraid, because Summer is PISSED - and after giving him what's for she stalks off, telling him she has to meet her new boyfriend. He's crushed, and fears becoming a loser like he once was in the days Before Summer, so he establishes a comic club to make new friends. Enter sweet, affable, handsome Zach, the adorable Michael Cassidy, who totally knows his comic stuff and is excited to join even though he's already a member of the water polo team. Also he reads several newspapers every morning and his dad's a senator. We learn that stuff later, but I want to say upfront: Zach rules. Seth loves him - until he discovers that Zach is Summer's new boyfriend. "He's the WASP version of me," Seth realizes - "the conventionally attractive, athletic, confident, completely non-neurotic...version of me." Watching Summer trade up isn't sitting too hot with our obsessive little friend.

Seth, being the clueless idiot he is, decides another Grand Gesture is in order to win Summer back, so he plans something nebulous for the Kick-off Carnival. Summer very quickly disabuses him of that notion with a speech that is both heartbreaking and totally fist-pumping in its truthiness. 

She leaves with Zach and Seth looks after her, completely gutted.

Ryan's luck is a little better with Marissa, who instantly wants to get back together, to his delight, until he finds her making out with her yard guy, DJ, a secret she's been keeping all summer. The DJ plot is so dumb because we're supposed to believe that it's somehow scandalous, or a sign of Marissa's impending descent, that she's hooking up with her yard guy, who happens to be a handsome, intelligent, sensitive, gainfully employed and age-appropriate young man. At first DJ sees Marissa making out with Ryan, and then Ryan sees Marissa making out with DJ, so now neither guy wants to make out with her. Ryan tells her they should just be friends, and she scoffs that they've never been friends, a statement which is both harsh and not entirely true. The whole dumb DJ plot is worth it, by the way, for how impressed Summer is when she learns that Marissa's been hitting that.

But Ryan's got much more interesting, non-girl related stuff going on this week! The guidance counselor calls him into her office to tell him that his grades and test scores are really impressive, and he should start thinking about college. He says he can't afford it and won't let the Cohens pay for him, and she makes it clear that he should be a shoo-in for a scholarship if he can just decide what he wants to do. She tells him to write a paper on what his interests are, but he's too busy schooling Kirsten and Sandy's architect on how to improve their construction plans. When the counselor stumbles on Ryan's blueprints, it becomes clear what he's meant to do: become an architect! She signs him up for some advanced math and science classes, and he seems so happy and proud. I love this so much!

In other romance news, Jimmy and Hailey are still lying around having tons of sex and drinking endless mimosas on his boat, and dammit, I want that life. But Hailey's kinda over it, and when she gets an amazing opportunity to work in fashion sales in Japan for her best friend, she takes it. Jimmy proposes, hoping to deter her, but that doesn't do the trick, and she takes off. Then Kirsten gently reminds Jimmy that drinking mimosas on a boat isn't exactly a life. I mean, I'd take it, but I see her point.

Finally, Caleb's being indicted, so Sandy takes him out for lunch where Caleb quickly becomes hammered. He takes Caleb home to tell Julie what happened, and then Caleb bows out, leaving Sandy to do the dirty work. Julie, as one might expect, is SO MAD, especially when she learns that the indictment was in motion before the wedding and Caleb kept it from her, effectively putting her in the same position twice when it comes to swindling husbands. She threatens Sandy that if Caleb's going down, Kirsten's going down with him, and then she takes off for a $3000 spa weekend. Everyone's a bit on edge - Sandy loses his temper at Kirsten about all the construction, and she thinks it's because she was such a hardass over the summer - but eventually Kirsten and Sandy welcome a grateful Caleb into their home. They're all eating moo shu on the living room floor when the police arrive to arrest him.

How many times did I have to drink? 17

Best Seth Cohen line: 

Best Ryan Atwood line: After positing that Summer may have moved on and then receiving the full force of Seth's neuroses, he mutters, "I'm gonna brood silently. Over here."

Best pop culture reference/truest thing anyone said this week: Seth, telling Ryan that comic fans are now the mainstream, "Spider-Man 2 - do you know how much money that made at the box office?"

Well, hellooooo, DJ: I mean, the guy can't act, but he sure knows how to stand.

Best double entendre: Summer, drooling over DJ as Marissa rails (like a real asshole) that his truck is blocking in her car, "He can park his truck in my driveway any day."

Trainwreck Marissa: She spikes her morning latte. AT SCHOOL. HIGH SCHOOL. Summer gives her a true come-to-Jesus look about this.

Summer's worst outfit: I haaaate early S2 Summer's wardrobe. She dresses like a rich, trampy mom - like Julie Cooper, in other words. It works on Julie Cooper, but not on a 16-year-old girl. White linen wide-legged cargo pants with hideous white slingback heels, and then she turns out around and you realize that shirt has a keyhole cut-out?! 

Ugh and that bag. With the ensemb and the giant hair, they're really aging up her look for the first half of this season.

2.03 "The New Kids On The Block"

Meet the new kids on the block, the hot "teens" making up Season Two's B-cast. First we have DJ (left) and Zach (right), whom we met in "The Way We Were." Now, let's meet the ladies!

On the right we have Alex, played by a brutally hot Olivia Wilde. She's the manager at The Bait Shop, the out-of-nowhere and completely excellent music club in Newport that will be the set of many upcoming dramas and kickass concerts. She's 17 but looks and acts much older, she's tough, she's been kicked out of about a dozen schools and out of her parents' house, so now she lives alone and takes care of herself. She's awesome. 

Next we have Lindsay (left), played by Shannon Lucio. She's a new scholarship student at Harbor School with a car covered in liberal bumper stickers and a giant chip on her shoulder. She's incredibly intelligent, super prickly, quite independent and pretty ornery. She is also awesome. 

Now, back to the old kids on the block. Seth is being the worst. The very worst. Literally the worst Seth has ever been or will ever be. Summer calls him selfish and he goes down one of his shitty obsessive spirals, but this one is extra-shitty because the revelation that he's selfish just makes him MORE selfish.

He talks all over poor Ryan even more than usual, and he keeps forgetting that his family is in turmoil over Caleb's arrest - like, he actually forgets his grandfather was arrested - and he comes up with this stinky ploy to convince Summer that he's selfless and just wants to be friends. The Walkmen are playing at The Bait Shop, and Summer loves The Walkmen, so Seth gets a job there, under Alex's employ, in order to earn the tickets to give to Summer and Zach. Alex, being wise and cool (and also bossy, a quality I appreciate as a bossy lady, myself), tells Seth that Summer's going to see right through this scheme, but she doesn't. She's so optimistic about New Seth that Zach can tell she's hoping Seth changes so they can get back together, and Zach, being wise and mature, tells her to take some time to see how she feels about Seth, and he'll understand if their time together is over.

So she goes to the concert alone, and Seth sits with her and congratulates himself for being so thoughtful, and she thanks him sweetly and he RUINS IT BY KISSING HER BECAUSE SETH IS THE WORST. She runs outside, crying, and he says the worst possible thing: "Maybe I can't be just friends with you." Summer, disappointed and angry, responds, "Then I guess maybe this is it for us." She walks off, and because Seth is THE WORST, he decides this means he should go back to being selfish, because being selfless didn't work out for him. UHM NO, SON. You never even tried being selfless. Anyway, he's still not done ruining everything, so he goes to the club to interrupt Summer's lunch with her dad and Zach, like he thinks that isn't the most terrible idea he's ever had. But there, he sees Summer's dad being completely charmed by the perfect Zach, and Summer smiling and holding his hand, and he just leaves, despondent, the way he deserves. 

Meanwhile, Ryan's having his own trouble with Lindsay - he runs into her at the Harbor's coffee shop (so weird that this high school has a coffee shop) and spills coffee all over her and knocks her bag over, and then accidentally punches her in the nose, and then when he's trying to help her clean up the mess, he starts gathering several of her tampons and mortifies her. He apologizes a whole bunch, but she's really uncool about it, and later when they discover that they're physics partners, she assumes he's an idiot and does the assignment by herself so he doesn't bring down her grade. Ryan's a badass who has recently made school his #1 priority, so he doesn't go for that, and eventually she learns that he's a pretty smart cookie - and also that he's not some rich water polo player, but actually a lot like her. Sparks fly, just in time for Marissa, who's arrived to attempt a reconciliation with Ryan, to see, and she takes off sadly and then sits with an equally sad Seth on a bench. She deserves it less than Seth, however. 

Caleb's out of prison on bail, but his arrest is still causing a lot of tumult for the elder Cohens. Sandy's fired from his job for working with Caleb, though he's pretty jovial about it. But poor Kirsten. Julie arrives home from her spa weekend determined to help Caleb and make their marriage work, and when she realizes that he doesn't take her seriously, she throws her weight around until he's announced her as the acting CEO of the Newport Group - a job that belongs to Kirsten. She's furious and hurt, and wants to quit - until Caleb tells her he just did it to save his marriage, and he's made Kirsten CFO because "we all know whoever controls the money controls the company." It remains to be seen if Julie knows that, a point Kirsten makes, but she got a raise so she'll allow it.

How many times did I have to drink? 8. 

Best Ryan Atwood line: As Seth obsesses, "I'm like a monster, dude, I'm all I think about. And not in the good way," Ryan responds, "There's a good way?"

Most recognizable song: The Walkmen play "Little House of Savages" to open their set at The Bait Shop.

Best Julie Cooper bitchery: Oh man, her supreme smugness when Caleb announces her as CEO is so good. 

Most meta moment: Summer, hearing a knock on her bedroom door while she watches The Valley (drink!), "It's Thursday night. No knocking until 9pm!" The O.C., of course, aired Thursdays at 8pm.

Best Summer burn: Seth tells her he has something for her, and she replies, "Well, unless it's a plutonium-fueled car to take me back to last year so I can never date you, I'm not interested."

Best Jimmy burn: He and Julie share a nice moment where she confides in him about Caleb, saying, "I don't know how this is happening again," and he teases, "Maybe because you keep marrying for money?" She tells him she didn't marry him for money, or because she was pregnant, but because she was in love with him, and uh-oh, is that chemistry?

Lindsay's backwards flirt: When she's still being a jerk and telling Ryan that he must be dumb, she says, "God doesn't give with both hands," which means she's acknowledging that he's very, very hot. I like that even when she hates him, she's attracted to him.

The truest and least true thing anybody said this week: 

Well you're half right, Cohen. 

--

That's it for this week! Britt, I have a question for you: how do you feel about the new castmates? Pros and cons? And also please commiserate with me over Seth's general awfulness in this episode. 

Meet Britt here next Wednesday morning as she covers "The New Era" and "The SnO.C."

BOOK REPORT for The Shadow Cabinet  (The Shades of London, #3) by Maureen Johnson

Cover Story: Smoke and Mirrors
BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: Straight Up With A Sense of Humor
Bonus Factors: Cults, Underground London
Relationship Status: Where Do You Think You’re Going?

Are you ready for Maureen Johnson to set your senses a-tinglin' -- and find out what happened to Stephen? Head on over to our series at Kirkus to read more!

Welcome back to FYA JAM! We've dug deep into the archives -- and our souls -- to bring you the best in breakup songs. Even if you're happily coupled up now, we've all had that bad breakup we thought we wouldn't survive, only to find out we were better off without them. This month, our playlist starts out with a breakup, descends into sadness and anger, and then, finally, finishes up with a little acceptance.

[Y'all, how glad is Jennie that Taylor Swift has shunned Spotify? Otherwise, "BLANK SPACE" ALL DAY ALL NIGHT. -MW]

[I VETO TAYLOR SWIFT NOW AND FOREVERRRRRR. - J]

1. "Found Out About You" -- Gin Blossoms

Jennie: Ah, the classic tale of boy meets girl, boy hears rumors about girl cheating on him, boy breaks up with girl.

2. "Love Stinks" -- J. Geils Band

Mandy: I love when a song tells a story, so let J. Geils and his band paint you a picture of unrequited love through music. (Related: I own this song from the Mr. & Mrs. Smith soundtrack, a purchase I still stand by a decade later.)

3. "Poor Ol' Brokenhearted Me" -- The Trews

Mandy: Get ready to rock out with your high energy wallowing out! If you were expecting the previous sentence to end in a rhyme -- well, take a guess at which lyric is my fave.

4. "Post Break-Up Sex" -- The Vaccines

Mandy: No judgment re: rebounds here. You do you. Or you do somebody else safely, if that's the case.

5. "I Never Came" -- Queens of the Stone Age

Jennie: As if I could resist following up the last song with this one. Perfect for when you're reflecting upon how bad your ex was.

6. "You're So Vain" -- Carly Simon

Jennie: This might be the reason for the previous song. If you're too busy looking in mirrors...

7. "Rolling in the Deep" -- Adele

Mandy: Adele post-breakup is pretty much what anyone would want to be: a classy, scathing force of nature.

Jennie: Where was Adele when I needed her?!

8. "Where Does the Good Go" -- Tegan and Sara

Mandy: For when you're not quite ready to get over it yet, and you're holding out hope.

9. "Dancing on My Own" -- Robyn

Mandy: For when you're not quite ready to get over it yet, and that hope is slightly diminished. At least you have your killer dance moves and the subject of the next song.

10. "Dancing By Myself" -- Billy Idol

Mandy: Billy Idol's ode to masturbation!

Jennie: You do you. Literally.

11. "You Give Love a Bad Name" -- Bon Jovi

Mandy: How could anyone resist singing/shouting along with Bon Jovi's brokenhearted battle cry? Or THE VIDEO OMG THE VIDEO.

Jennie: Ah, the 80s. #blessed

12. "Another One Bites the Dust" -- Queen

Jennie: This one was on heavy rotation after my first bad breakup, when I finally stopped crying long enough to get angry, and got replayed every time I broke up with someone else. It never fails to make me giggle.

13. "Bad Boyfriend" -- Garbage

Mandy: Toxic relationships, part 1: when you think two wrongs make a right.

Jennie: Shirley Manson is the queen of bitter breakup songs.

14. "Bad Romance" -- Lady Gaga

Mandy: Toxic relationships, part 2: when you know it can't end well.

Jennie: This song becomes more uplifting when you pretend the lyrics are about writing heaving bosoms and swords of manhood.

15. "I Hate Myself For Loving You" -- Joan Jett

Mandy: Toxic relationships, part 3: when even you're telling yourself to get a grip and end that shizz.

Jennie: And let us not forget that Joey sang this at a biker bar, on Dawson's Creek. PUNK ROCK YOU GUYS.

16. "Violet" -- Hole

Jennie: "When they get what they want, they never want it again." Ooooh, ouch. We've all been there.

17. "You Oughta Know" -- Alanis Morrissette

Mandy: If you're going on a warpath, you'd better bring along an expert. Alanis is totally necessary.

Jennie: This song was around for my breakups, and lo, it is satisfying. I was singing along with it in the car with my husband recently, and he looked a little scared that I knew all the words. IT'S A CLASSIC.

18. "Sometime Around Midnight" -- Airborne Toxic Event

Mandy: Unexpected Michael Corleone run-in with an ex! ("Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!")

Jennie: All exes should observe the Dead to Me rule.

19. "Somebody That I Used To Know" -- Gotye & Kimbra

Jennie: Eventually, unless you dated nicer people than I did, they all just become somebody that you haven't talked to since 2009.

And now, a bonus (NSFW, language) video! For when your exes realize that they can't live without you, remember: no booty calls, deck.

We'll see you back here in April, after the March Madness dust has settled! In the meantime, what are your favorite breakup songs? (Or, if you want to embrace the FYA cathartic comment section, tell us about your worst breakup.)

BOOK REPORT for All that Burns (All that Glows #2) by Ryan Graudin

Cover Story: Soap Opera Softness
BFF Charm: Confused
Swoonworthy Scale: 4
Talky Talk: Modern Magic
Bonus Factor: Arthurian Legends
Anti-Bonus Factor: Love Triangle
Relationship Status: Long Live the King

Danger, Will Robinson! All that Burns is the second book in the All that Glows series. If you have not read the first book—All that Glows—turn away now. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. If you have read the first book, however, feel free to continue below. I will refrain from major spoilers in my review, but there might be hints at plot points and details about the story.

Cover Story: Soap Opera Softness

Much like the cover of the first book in this series, the cover of this book reminds me of something one might see in a soap opera. The soft focus, the rose tint, the flowing hair and fabric. Even the title’s typeface looks like it belongs to an 80s soap (particularly Santa Barbara).

The Deal:

For hundreds of years, Emrys has been a part of the English royal family’s invisible—to mortals—”Frithemaeg,” or faerie guard. But falling in love with Crown Prince Richard changed everything, and led her to reveal her kind and become a mortal. After battling dark forces and the insane Queen Mab, Emrys figured everything would calm down … but reintroducing magic into a world of technology and human ego is no easy task. And when an ages old foe goes missing, the slow simmer of discontent reaches inferno levels.

BFF Charm: Confused

I like Emrys. Really, I do. But, for most of All that Burns, she questions everything. Her choices, her love, her friends, her family .... Some of these questions are valid, but many of them just feel whiny and self-centered. Not to get into spoiler territory, but she does get better at the end. But the emo shtick got really tiresome before that point was reached.

Swoonworthy Scale: 4

As you can see from my anti-bonus factor below, there’s a bit of a love triangle that comes into play in this book. Does Emrys love Richard? Yes—so much so that she’s willing to give up both magic and immortality to live out her years by his side. And yet, in YA stories at least, true love never runs smooth.

Talky Talk: Modern Magic

Ryan Graudin knows how to spin a story. All that Burns is the second in a series, but the action of this book held it’s own, and the plot was much more interesting than that of the first. Graudin mixes fairy stories with modern times quite well, and although the past and present can butt heads, they do so because she’s written them doing so rather than them just not meshing well.

Unfortunately, the characterizations in this novel left a little to be desired. Not until late in the book did we see the bright and fierce Emrys we met in the first book. Instead, we get a washed out version of her, one that’s constantly second guessing herself and searching for the praise of those around her. (Thank goodness for Annabelle is all I’ll say.)

Bonus Factor: Arthurian Legends

I do love a good Arthurian legend spin, and All that Burns ties the story of Camelot to modern day England in a fun and surprising way.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Love Triangle

A new, mysterious, brooding male faerie is introduced in this book, and his appeal is almost too much for Emrys to bear. (Sigh.)

Casting Call:

I cast Emrys and Richard in my review of the first book in the series. To those picks, I’ll add:

Teresa Palmer as Annabelle

Cate Blanchett as Queen Titania

Relationship Status: Long Live the King

Although I have some complaints, Book, I do enjoy getting caught up in your world. I love the mix of modern and medieval, and the idea that magic and technology—often so at odds—might someday work together. If King was an elected position—and I could vote, as I’m an American—I’d vote for your King Richard again and again … so long as Emrys was by his side.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a review copy of this book from Harper Teen. I received neither a private dance party with Tom Hiddleston nor money in exchange for this review. All that Burns is available now.

THIS WEEK’S MVP

This week, Emily is a stand-up friend, a fierce self-advocate, and a badass dancer. She trains for hours helping Hanna learn a dance for the pageant, and is staunchly on Hanna’s side when her coach gets mean. In her spare time, she examines her relationship with Talia, considers what she really wants, and confronts the situation with a level head. 

via

Runner-up to Aria, who, despite the questionable wisdom of JUST PAW THROUGH EVERYTHING as her search tactic through the personal belongings of a possible A henchmAn, ends up pulling more than her fair share of investigAtion weight this week. Making up for lost time, we guess! #ApplauseEmoji

THIS WEEK’S LVP

Jonny/Toby/All of Spencer’s Boyfriends. Jonny, for constantly undermining everything Spencer wants and likes and does, and somehow in the process convincing her to commit several more felonies. Toby, for doing his “job” so “well” that he couldn’t even have three seconds of a normal conversation with his (ex?) girlfriend. And, you know, the rest of them, just for completion’s sake. Wren is probably Big A, at this point.

BIGGEST SHOCK/BEST SURPRISE

via

We are not worthy.

BIGGEST NO-DUH

Mona went and Gone Girl-ed herself.

via/via

We repeat: we are not worthy.

THAT’S **MONA** FOLKS

Her idea of a cute little memento to leave for her loving boyfriend is a vial of her own blood.

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

Someone stole the Liars' (minus Em's) blood, and Mike was NEAR the blood fridge at the blood drive, and they don't know why, and they don't know why he's visiting Ali in prison, and they don't know why he's meeting Cyrus in the woods with big wads of cash. And if they stopped there, just listing all the things they don't know, they'd be good! But no: they did Liar Logic and have landed on MIKE IS WORKING FOR A(li). Also Hanna got into a ton of great schools that her jackass dad won't pay for, even though he is paying for her jackass stepsister to go to Dartmouth. Emily's new crusher is married, to A MAN. And another man, Hot Andrew (Spencer's old trivia rival/Aria's new tutor), followed the girls into the woods on their Cyrus stakeout and ruined any possibility of them uncovering any new facts by playing the overprotective alpha male. Spencer's new barn dweller is an insufferable hobo artist who tricked her into doing vandalism on the Hollis campus. Oh, and Mona died, which we know because of the VAST AMOUNT of blood sprayed all over the scene of the crime, even though her body was NEVER FOUND.

THIS WEEK

Smells Like Teen Spirit Liars' Summit

Since for sure absolutely Mike is Ali's At-lArge, blood-steAling henchmAn, the opening of this week's episode finds the four Liars pawing through his disaster of a teen boy bedroom, looking for vials of blood and/or large sums of cash and/or fancy morse code jewelry. Predictably, they mostly just find sweaty gym socks and jock itch ointment. We would not touch a teen boy’s bedroom with a seven hundred foot pole. Hanna gets distracted by the super expensive free weight set-up Mike’s got going on, unable to figure out why he's training to be a ninja (answer: TEEN WOLF), but everyone else is on task, because, in case you didn't hear any of them the first dozen times, MIKE IS WORKING FOR A.

Spencer is about to lay her hands on the energy drink hiding that vial of blood we saw last week when Aria finds something even more* exciting hidden in a dirty sock and makes the other girls stop what they are doing to come look. It is a silver ball and chain necklace that, according to Spencer's handy Morse code translation app, spells out "I’m with you." And because Mike is only an amateur cyber terrorist, he has kept the receipt, which shows a bafflingly recent shipping date.

via

"Probably he is leaving candy and buying gifts for Mona because she faked her own death and he has been helping her all along," we work out at home. "Probably he is ALI'S BOYFRIEND NOW AND DOING EVERYTHING SHE SAYS" Liar Logic™ works out on the show.

Okay, girls. Go with that for awhile. Good luck.

*because she is the one who found it, is why more

The Opposite of a Meet-Cute

Emily shows up at Ezra’s Books n RareBrew Bonanza and finds Talia already there, chatting on the phone with Pam Fields, her new BFF. “Didn’t… she want to talk to me?” Em asks. “I mean, I can’t actually recall the last time I saw her…” “Nope, we were just gabbing! You know how friends are!” says Talia. Yes, we always make a point of making close personal friends with our significant other’s parents. It’s just good manners. And speaking of significant Other, Emily brings up the Husband in the room. “Nah, don’t even stress,” Talia says. “Our relationship right now is just between you and me!” “And…your husband.” Three’s a crowd, is Em’s point, Talia (and Show). Pick up on it already.

So, of course, when a skinny twentysomething man comes into the Lil RareBrew Of Horrors later, it’s Eric, Talia’s husband, there to check out his competish. “I’m totally cool,” he says to Emily. “Talia explained all about how you’re just a phase she has to go through, like the time she was really into feather extensions, only this time with dating girls. Aren’t I cool? I’m such a Cool Husband, and besides, I’ve been with Talia since the dawn of time, and at the end, when all the fads have faded to dust, and dust is all that remains, still I will be there, abiding, being Talia’s husband.” Emily is used to dumb white dudes pontificating in this coffee shop (after all, she works for Ezra), but even this is too much.

The only name for that expression is "Slap Me"

The next morning, Emily pops on over to the Marin Mansion for a full Marin Breakfast Spread/to wait for Hanna to get ready for #GlassSlipper dance rehearsal. While she waits, Emily asks Relationship Queen Ashley Marin if she thinks it ever makes sense to get into a relationship you know is doomed to end, even if it’s really great in individual moments. “Are you asking about me… or you?” Ashley asks. “Just a completely random hypothetical I just thought of, for fun, for a friend!” Emily replies. Ashley’s hypothetical advice is that, hypothetically, you shouldn’t date someone if you don’t see a future with them. While we don’t necessarily agree with this advice in every situation (sometimes casual dating is okay, if you are okay with it!), the spirit of her advice, for Emily, is good. And thus, Ashley earns her keep as the Only Rosewood Parent Physically Appearing In This Episode.

After dance rehearsal, on a tip from her BFF Pam Fields, Talia stalks Emily at the school. “Why are you upset?” Talia asks. “Did Ezra find out about us?” Ezra is dead to us, Talia, keep up. And no, it’s a different vaguely creepy adult man loitering around. You know, your lawfully wedded. Who is under the impression that Em is a phase. Emily lays it out straight to Talia, and she is one hundred percent correct here: “There are now three people in this relationship. And you have lied to each one.”

via

Look at that! A teenage girl being the responsible one, who would have thought! (Us. We would have thought. Every single time, in every single interaction between any teenage girl and any adult in Rosewood, we would have thought.)

Of course, now we are scared that since Emily said the right thing and made what is probably the best choice for her, the writers will put Talia in A's crosshairs and trigger Em's DEFEND EVERYONE mode. Also, Talia is probably working for A. Eric, too. Why not.

Pretentiousness, Thy Name is Jonny Montgomery*

While Emily is taking Talia/Eriic/Mike's measures at RareBrew, Spencer is starting her day out with Hobo Artist Jonny over at Hollis, where he maybe knows a guy who knows a guy at Oxford? That is an even worse connection to try to grab hold of than Probably-A Wren via Probably-Dead Melissa, Spencer. C'mon.

Also baffled by Spencer's Jonny-proximate idiocy is Toby, who is on campus picking up class schedules for Jenna on his dad's behalf. "I am a pretentious jerk," Jonny literally says to Toby after spouting off some nonsense in Italian ("chi ama, crede," or, he who loves, trusts…jackass). "I can never see you again," Toby does not but might as well literally say to Spencer immediately thereafter. "COPS, man," Jonny tsks, shaking his head at Toby's retreating back. "AUTHORITY. Amirite?"

"Well," Spencer says, mistaking Jonny for one of those people who likes to have an actual dialogue, "This isn't ABOUT you, Jonny [her actual words]. Toby is really just caught up in the eternal struggle to do what is right in a world in which there just ISN'T a right, because the world we live in is full of a billion shades of grey and also a billion cyber terrorists at least some of whom are probably my best friends and the other half of whom are the very cops he works with, so, you know, his general grumpiness is to be--"

Sorrynotsorry, not listening

But Jonny stopped listening even before Well, because he saw something shiny in a window. His graffiti. His and Spencer's graffiti. In frames. In an art gallery. For sale.

For real that is shady, and we are totally interested in the murky morality and economics of selling found art, but DUDE. Jonny is the worst. Spencer. RUN AWAY.

Spencer doesn't run away. She gets all up in the smarmy curator's grill right alongside Jonny, then offers to be his getaway driver (and lock-picker, and wire-cutter, because Jonny is not only the worst, he’s also incompetent at crime) when he goes to "retrieve" his artwork that night in a heist that is so outlandishly idiotic that it felt like a real-life Scooby Doo cartoon.

"You are an amateur," is that face, over and over again

Anyway, Cop Toby pulls up to the getaway van when they stop for gas like five minutes post-heist, all bright flashlight beam and stern cop script.

Spencer: How are you here!

Toby: Well you only broke into a public building through the front door, under the light of four street lamps, two porch lights, and ALL the interior gallery lights, cutting the wires of paintings displayed prominently in wide open windows while literal hordes of pedestrians were passing by, and you set off the alarm, so...

Spencer: Can you stop being a cop for like TWO MINUTES??

Toby: THAT IS NOT HOW BEING A COP WORKS.

Spencer: …

Toby: THAT IS NOT HOW ME BEING A COP WORKS.

Jonny, handcuffed in the back of Toby’s cruiser: AUTHORITY, man. Amirite?

And then Toby says a hundred times precisely what we have been screaming at Spencer all along: walk away. Also that Tanner is still interested in Spencer, and interested in exploiting Toby's relationship with Spencer, but mostly he just says over and over and over, walk away. And eventually, Spencer does. Toward whatever random woods are out behind the gas station. Which are probably the same woods Aria has spent all night scaling, tbh. Because Rosewood is one block long and one block wide and infinite only in terms of time.

via

Later that night, after Veronica bails and then kicks Jonny out ("I don't know her at all!" Spencer exclaims, shocked. "YOU MUST HAVE A HEAD INJURY" we exclaim right back), Jonny tries some more mind magic on Spencer about her future and living for her or something pretentious in German or whatever. TBH, we couldn't be bothered to pay attention. We wish we could have been equally not bothered to pay attention to him kissing her on his way out the door, but alas. We saw it. It was terrible. He is terrible. Good riddance, Jonny.

Walk back, Spencer. Walk back to the light.

*Get it? Because everything is all about him.

Step Up 5B: Hanna Gets Angry

Hanna is still committed to entering that Cinderella Promotional Tie-In Pageant she learned about last week. Caleb thinks it’s ridiculous, but Hanna has her eyes on the prize: money for college, and an escape from Rosewood.

We’re so proud of Hanna, guys. Two or three years ago, she would have probably only entered a beauty pageant because Alison forced her to, as a way to psychologically torture a girl with a fragile body image and a desire to please. But today, she can get up there and do a pretty inappropriate-for-a-pageant badass rage dance, just because she wants to make money for college. For herself. And she’s been able to become this Hanna—this badass, book-reading, risk-taking, literal ass-kicking, rage-facing Hanna—because Alison left. And because Mona had confidence in her. And, importantly, because her friends had her back, unconditionally.

via

So, she’s determined, and determinedly goes to a meeting with a syrupy blonde pageant coach who is basically just CeCe Drake in 30 years. “What’s your talent?” the coach asks. Instead of answering, “Kicking the patriarchy in the literal balls,” or “Sticking up for my friends and myself,” Hanna hems and haws before going with “Dancing!” which seems to mollify the coach.

Hanna quickly enlists Emily “I’ve been dancing forever, this is not brand new information” (okay) Fields for help, and the two retire to the dance studio in Rosewood High (sure) and get their pointy-kicky-twerk on. Caleb, devastatingly, has to watch these two extremely beautiful ladies dance around for most of the episode (his only job in Hanna's story this week is to BRING HER A SANDWICH). It must be very hard to be him. He does get to serve a secondary function, though, when he shows Hanna who else is on the signup sheet for the pageant: None other than the Evil Stepsister herself, Kate. Hanna flips. First her dad, then her dignity, then her college money, now her college money again via a contest of beauty and poise?? Bitch has gone TOO FAR.

Hanna lets this rage propel her dance training, intensifying her work with Emily in a push to make the dance perfect to show Coach Barbie in two hours. And when the coach shows up, and Em and Hanna perform, the Incredible Hanna Hulk awakens for real.

via/via

HER FACE. HER WHOLE BEING. HANNAAAAAAAAA.

(Also, actual LOL at Emily's obvious horror in the fuzzy background.)

“That was… revealing.” Coach Barbie says, before crushing Hanna by telling her she’s just... not cut out for pageants. She doesn’t want it enough, and—basically—she’s too kick-ass. That second part is subtext, though, and the first part is enough to cut straight to Hanna’s frustrated, determined heart. She storms out, but lingers outside the door just in time to hear the coach insult her even further, and then offer to make Emily a star. Emily just looks at her in disgust. “I only came here to help a friend,” she says. “And also, you’re a horrible monster!” She runs out, but it’s too late: Hanna’s fled.

When Emily finds Hanna at the Marin house later, Hanna’s eating cold pizza out of the fridge. Emily reminds Hanna that Hanna is amazing, and that the coach is a terrible monster. Then Ashley helpfully pops in to say that she talked to Hanna’s dad, and Kate isn’t entering the pageant, and in fact isn’t even in Pennsylvania right now. Hanna’s still pissed, and sad, so it seems like a good time for our friendly neighborhood psychopath to say hello.

Cruel.

Hanna says that A/Ali/Mike/Whoever are just trying to keep them all in Rosewood forever. (There’s a horror movie for you). But it’s working: without college money, how can Hanna leave? “I’LL enter the pageant for you!” Emily jumps into the fray, proving once again that she’s the very very best and everyone else can just go home. “A can come after me any day of the week, anytime, anywhere.”

via

See, Talia? This is why you can’t just get into a casual relationship with Emily Fields. That girl will build you a house and win you a prize and even stab a guy to make you happy and keep you safe. She doesn’t play halfway.

Aria Does an Investigation!

While Mike is off menacing Emily for multiple coffees before RareBrew is even technically open (her text to the other Liars: "Mike is acting even scarier than normal!!!" OKAY), Aria welcomes Hot****** Andrew back into her home for another round of pre-SCAD studying. The topic this week? The Trial of the Century. AKA, the 1907/1908 trial(s) of Harry Thaw for the murder of Stanford White over the virtue of America's first sex symbol, Evelyn Biscuit.

"NESBIT, Aria," Andrew corrects her. "Evelyn NESBIT."

Pls direct your attention to the hyper-realistic panda head pinned to Aria's collar. WHAT EVEN.

It's okay, Aria. We know how strongly you associate pastries with violence-adjacent affairs between wealthy old art patrons and pretty young ingenues. We understand.

This is an amazing bit of history to weave into the show's background, and not only for its timing wrt Ali's upcoming Trial of (Rosewood's) Century. As Andrew points out, Thaw was the first  person to use insanity as a successful defense, ending up in a mental institution rather than jail (like Mona at the end of season 2). His trial—and Evelyn's public image—cause such a media frenzy that some terms used specifically for the trial are still common today ("brainstorm" and "come up to see my etchings," as a sex euphemism). "Immortality, my darlings," as Ali would say. And Thaw himself was seen as a hero by the public (as Mona hopes to eventually be) for taking down White, who eventually was proven to have seduced and spoiled many more underage girls (LIKE EVERY MAN IN ROSEWOOD).

Anyway, hopefully Aria remembers not to write "Biscuit" on her history test next week. Fingers crossed.

So, while they are studying, Mike stalks his way back through the front door, goes to his room, sees the very obvious mess the Liars left there, and explodes. 

via

"You going to be okay?" Andrew asks, unwitting of the fact that Aria has been stuffed in a box with a dead guy, Misery-ed by her dad's crazy co-ed ex, and oh yeah, has shot a stalker off a stage and lived to tell about, so yes, will definitely be okay. Still, if he's OFFERING… "Could you maybe follow him to the gym for me and see what he's up to?" she asks. 

Sure, Aria. Okay.

So Andrew Scooby Doos his way around town, following Mike to the gym and to the Beacon Hills bus depot and to the woods behind Mona's house, where Mike REALLY STEALTHILY leaves a bright foil packet in a very obvious tree hole while Andrew REALLY STEALTHILY looks on.

"The woods behind Mona's, you say," Aria muses as they debrief at Lucky Leon's Cupcakery an hour later. "Thanks dude. I got it from here." "Ummmmm I don't feel safe letting you go after him alone, or frankly going HOME alone," Andrew replies, oozing his Rosewood Alpha Male idiocy from his very pores. Look: we can understand how you might be confused about Aria's ability to take care of herself, given the fact that she is all of a foot tall and wearing a dress held together in back by nothing but a star, but considering the fact that every capable crime and act of self defense in this town has been perpetrated by girls younger and even clever than her, you should know better. Also, see Ian, Garrett, Wilden, Original Jason, etc. and save yourself.

"Also, my dad will be home tonight from Syracuse." This is a lie. Byron Montgomery is a figment of the Montgomery children's imaginations. But still, Andrew lets Aria go (after promising eye-rollingly that he will "always be here for you"), and she proceeds to spend approximately twelve hours scaling the single tree that Mike could reach from the ground.

Unsurprisingly, Mike finds her. Unsurprisingly, the foil packet is holding the vial of blood he'd earlier been hiding in the much cleverer and much more temprature-controlled energy drink can in his mini fridge.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE MY BLOOD" Aria shouts, holding the vial above his head. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING" Mike shouts back, jumping to try to grab it from her. "I BET THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE TOLD EVELYN BISCUIT" Aria shouts back. "THAT MAKES NO SENSE" Mike exclaims. And then he tells her the blood is Mona's, and then she drops it on the tree stump, where it shatters. And then she runs away to her car to escape Mike, who she is certain will kill her. And then she gets home and screams for her dad to come down to be a buffer between her and Mike in their little sibling spat. But, no surprise, Byron isn't there. Because he doesn't exist.

And then Mike comes home.

And then our dreams come true.

"Mona had a plan, Aria!" Mike explains, tears welling in his eyes. She had been saving her own blood for weeks (that bandaid on her arm after she fainted at choir practice, remember??) at Big A's command, as part of a scheme to fake her murder and frame Alison for it. If Mona proved herself, she'd FINALLY get to meet Big A (remember her impassioned pleas to Spencer and Toby at the A-frame cabin before Big A/Melissa&Shana SET IN ON FIRE??)! And then she could take that person down, make up for all her mistakes with the Liars, free Alison, and be a hero!

via

"Only, she hasn't made any of the meetings we were supposed to have," Mike finishes, crying openly. "You think A…double crossed her," Aria works out. "And actually DID murder her." Mike nods. "Well fuck." And then they hug.

Top. Notch. Acting. From both of them. 

Liars Summit: Blood Brother

And so Aria finally has something useful to tell the rest of the Liars. Mike had been talking to Ali only to try to figure out if she knew anything about A that could help him find Mona, but all he got out of her was how to contact Cyrus, who told him that he'd been paid by Big A to get Ali out of town the night of Mona's murder. And they collectively realize that 1) Mona trusted Mike A LOT to tell him all this stuff about A, and 2) that they were instrumental in screwing Ali over, and that they need to finally face her, and try to apologize. 

And as they try to work out just how to do that, outside Spencer's windows, A lurks…

A (dbag) tag

Noel Kahn wants to kill Mike Montgomery! At least, that's what we're taking away from A pausing in their attack on Mike's free weight rack to quick pump some (5lb) iron. A douchebag by any other name…

NEXT WEEK

No one, not even the promo-makers, cares about next week. #BigAReveal in four!

<-- Pretty Little Liars 5x19: Out, Damned Spot

Pretty Little Liars 5x21: Bloody Hell -->

Previously on The 100: With Bellamy’s help, Jasper incited a riot inside Mt. Weather, and on the outside, Clarke ran away with Lexa while A MISSILE hit Tondc and we wished for a Malfoy romcom.

I might just be tired, but I nearly cried like three times during this episode. And I gasped out loud at a couple of others. THIS SHOW, you guys.

In the forest outside Tondc:

In a scene that feels like a post-apocalyptic dream, Clarke looks around at the destruction. A horse, with its mane on fire, runs past her. A woman holding her own severed arm stumbles onto the path. Clarke makes like she’s going to head toward the village, but Lexa stops her and talks her into continuing to hide or Mt. Weather will send another missile to take them out.

In the village:

Abby tries to help the injured villagers. Lincoln finds Indra pinned under rubble, and pulls her free, regardless of her apparent dislike. She pushes him away, and then gets hit with a bullet. Because the people of Tondc haven’t already been through enough, the Mt. Weather spotter in the forest starts to use his sniper rifle to take out who’s left. Octavia tries to get some Grounders to help, but they’re having none of it, because Octavia and her kind “are the bringers of death.” (Harsh, but dude’s got a bit of a point.) Lincoln and Octavia get the injured Indra to Niko, and Indra tells O to man woman up and lead. Abby hears a clanging underground, which happens to be Kane, pinned under an i-beam.

In Mt. Weather:

Speaking of manning up, Jasper tells the remaining 47 (43? 42?) to grab weapons and barricade the dorm. He tells one of the girls, Fox, to smash the cameras in the hallway, but Monty stops him, saying that they’ll need eyes out there. When Jasper questions Monty’s ability, Monty’s like, pshaw. And then the two self-five (which was by far the cutest thing in a very not so cute episode).

Mt. Weather guards attack the dorms, and when they break through the barricades, they find the kids all prone on the floor. But, SURPRISE BISHES—the kids go on the offensive and attack the guards in return, starting with Jasper slashing through a dude’s leg with a fire axe.

Yeah, that happened.

The guards retreat, but grab Fox on the way out. Jasper is PISSED, and when he notices that one of the guards left behind is still alive, takes it out on him. With his fire axe.

Yeah, that happened, too.

In Tondc:

Abby finds Kane, and tries to free him, but isn’t quite strong enough to lift the beam from his leg. When she does finally pry it up some, she finds that the beam is the only thing keeping him alive; it’s pinning his ruptured femoral artery. To add insult to (literal) injury, the rubble above them shifts and a cave in covers them both in debris.

In Mt. Weather:

The guards drag Fox toward the procedure table, but before they can strap her in, a mysterious masked guard shoots them both. It’s Bellamy, saving the day once more. Maya takes Fox and Bellamy to her home, where they meet her father … who just so happens is a bit of a revolutionary. Maya hides Fox in her room, and then takes Bellamy toward the armory. The two figure out a plan to use the garbage chutes to get the weapons to the dorms.

The two split up, and President A.J. Cage finds Maya in the hall. Because he’s a huge dick, he forces her into a suit with 20 minutes of oxygen and tosses her into the irradiated hall outside of the dorm. He tells Jasper that unless they give themselves up, she dies.

In Tondc:

Octavia tries to get to the crater to start digging people out of the rubble, but the sniper keeps stopping her. She creates a diversion with some booze and fire, and the Grounders are significantly impressed. They make a break for the crater, and begin to tunnel inside.

Below ground, thanks to the cave-in, Abby is now pinned to and Kane’s doing worse. Kane tells her it’s not her fault, but Abby blames herself for Clarke’s decision, and explains to Kane about how Clarke knew about the missile. Surprisingly—to Abby, not really to me—Kane gets it, and tells Abby that Clarke’s decision wasn’t worse than the many they made while on the Ark. Abby gives in a little, but it’s still pretty obvious that she’s upset about the way her kid is acting.

In Mt. Weather:

Jasper pulls Maya into the dorm, and promises her that he won’t let her die. Monty and Miller try to pry open the garbage chute to get Maya to another level, but have difficulty … until Bellamy adds his considerable strength from the other side. Maya jumps into the shoot, followed by Jasper. After Maya’s safe, Bellamy tells Jasper about Clarke and the Grounders’ plan to attack. Jasper says something about Finn finally getting his peace talks, and Bellamy has to just go along with it for the time being. (I’d completely forgotten that the 47 don’t know Finn’s dead.)

In the forest:

Clarke and Lexa meet up with Lincoln in the forest, on their way to take out the sniper. The three try to take him by surprise, but he spots them and pulls his focus away from the village. Clarke creates a diversion by shooting back, and Lincoln attacks. Lincoln’s about to win when the sniper uses the tone device on him, causing Lincoln to get a serious headache. The sniper uses this distraction to his advantage, and holds a knife to Lincoln’s throat. Lincoln tells Clarke to kill him and then take out the sniper, but Clarke’s become a very good shot and shoots through Lincoln’s shoulder and into the guard’s heart.

In Mt. Weather:

The guards enter the dorms yet again, but find no one there. The kids, led by Bellamy, Jasper and Maya, have gone through the garbage chute. Bellamy leads them down a corridor, where they find Maya’s dad and a bunch of other Mountain People who disagree with the way Cage is running things. They’ll hide the kids for a while.

In Tondc:

A group of Sky People arrive in the village with supplies and offers of help. Together, they and the Grounders free Abby and Kane, and others trapped under the rubble.

Lincoln, Clarke and Lexa return to the village, and Lexa gives a rousing speech, but one that is soon kiboshed by Abby, who tells everyone to get back to work. Amazingly, everyone listens. (Perhaps because of the shock?)

Indra makes nice with Lincoln, even going so far as to give him a hug. And Abby and Clarke find a semblance of peace; when Clarke tells her she’s going to Mt. Weather to save her friends, Abby agrees, but reminds her not to forget that they’re the good guys.

Mt. Weather 101:

Not all of the Mountain People tow the company line, and I LOVE IT. It adds so much depth to them as a group to know that they’re not all just sheep who follow Cage blindly.

Death Toll: A lot

Multiple Grounders—from the missile blast and the sniper—at least a few Sky People who were in Tondc, at least 12 Mt. Weather guards, at least two of the 47 in Mt. Weather, and 1 sniper.

That’s what happens in war, I suppose.

Say What:

Clarke is SO DONE with Mt. Weather’s shizz.

Lexa: If he tells the Mountain we’re alive ...
Clarke: He won’t.
Lexa: How can you be sure?
Clarke: Because I’m gonna kill him.

When all is a little more peaceful, I hope Monty and Jasper get a radio show.

Jasper: You can do that?
Monty: Have you met me?

Also, I am so much more on board with Maya now.

Jasper: I won’t let you die.
Maya: I won’t let you surrender.

YES, Clarke. Thank you.

Lincoln: Your people need you.
Clarke: You are my people.

Burning Questions:

- That hug at the end between Indra and Lincoln—was there more to that than just thanks? Perhaps something maternal? (This question was inspired by a convo I had on Twitter with FYA contributor Kandis after the episode.)

- How will the 47(ish) repay the Mountain People who hid them? Do you think Abby will figure out a way to use the bone marrow without killing people?

- Do you think Octavia figured out that Clarke knew about the missile before it hit?

Let’s discuss below.

Welcome back to Your First Fake BF/GF, where we dig deep into the internet archives to reminisce about our crushes in the days gone by. Today we're kicking it back to the halcyon days of the early 2000s, the days when your smart, geeky crush also came with a defined jawline and better hair than yours.

I'm excited, too, Adam.

The Basics

- Name: Adam Jared Brody
- Date of Birth:  December 15, 1979 (age 35)
- Place of Birth: San Diego, CA
- Educational Background: Scripps Ranch High School and Mira Costa College
- Trivia: Has fraternal twin brothers, plays the drums, and is only 14 years younger than Kelly Rowan aka Kirsten Cohen.

Where You’ve Seen Him

He's most famous for his role as Seth Cohen on The O.C., but you might have also seen him in Gilmore Girls, The League, Jennifer's Body, New Girl, and Mr. & Mrs. Smith, among others. (I watched the rather terrible In The Land of Women solely for him, and, well, he was indeed the best part.)

Where You First Fell in Love

Adam (who I refer to as "the other Adam," for the benefit of my husband Adam) first appeared on my radar as everyone's favorite fake TV boyfriend, Dave Rygalski, on Gilmore Girls. HE READ THE ENTIRE BIBLE FOR LANE.

Where He’s Been

Recently, he's signed on to co-star in a sitcom called Billy & Billie -- about two stepsiblings who fall in love. I hope it's more Clueless and less Flowers in the Attic, because more Adam Brody on our screens is never a bad thing. He also appeared in Life Partners with his now-wife Blair Waldorf Leighton Meester, playing the love interest of a...lesbian? I haven't seen it, but it's now on the list.

I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE.

Your Current Relationship Status

Adam Brody tends to stay off the radar, even though he's had quite a few roles since The O.C., so maybe you forgot about him until he and Leighton Meester made the news for getting married. (That was a sad day; Mandy W. and at least one of my book club friends sent me condolences.) But that's okay -- that just means he's in the news for good things, instead of dashing our dreams like so many fake celebrity boyfriends have. I declare all interested parties still in a fake relationship.

Still Up On Your Bedroom Wall

Oh hey.

To paraphrase Dumbledore and Snape: Even after all this time? Always.

Given all the love I've shown for this series (hi, February FYA Book Club pick!), it should come as no surprise that I'm a liiiiiittle obsessed with The Winner's Curse by Marie Rutkoski. I'm pleased as punch to take part in the blog tour for its sequel, The Winner's Crime. Bloggers on this tour have been asked to discuss the following: 

The ‘Winner’s Curse’ is an economics term that means you’ve gotten what you wanted – but at too high a price.  What would you pay too much for?

When it comes to money, I'm fiscally boring most of the time. If I have my eye on something from a store -- books, DVDs/Blu-Rays,* clothes -- I would absolutely make like a Mumford & Sons song, because I will wait, I will wait for the prices that I want. Consequently, I don't actually shop a lot anymore.

*Yes, I still buy those. I like owning physical copies for what I pay way too much to give them up, no matter what my limited storage space has to say about it. 

So the only instances that I'm willing to overspend are when I'm unable to wait any longer. Not like those infomercial "ACT NOW OR REGRET YOUR LIFE FOREVER" manufactured time crunches, though. The ticking clocks that I pay attention to involve experiences. (Which, I should clarify, are few and far in between. Sadly, I do not have a Scrooge McDuck money vault to fund my every whim.)

Just a few months ago, the Foo Fighters aka one of my favourite bands (if not the) held in-person box office presales for their upcoming tour. And so my concert pal and I traipsed halfway across the city to stand in the snowy, windy cold on a Saturday morning for three freaking hours and an additional one or so indoors for our Holy Grail of tickets. For practically any other band, this would be absolute insanity. For Foo -- well, it's still certifiable. But the frozen toes were WORTH IT. Or so I told myself to justify the risk of frostbite. 

Basically me, except add gloves and ear coverage. (Why would you not cover your extremities, Lucy?!) And also ice cream, because it was given out for free in the space heater tent. #priorities

And when I found out that SF FYA would be attending a Stephanie Perkins book signing -- another fave (sensing a theme?), and an event that would never happen in the book tour desert that I live in -- I immediately hatched a plan (read: begged Jennie) to get the whole set of SP books signed, incl. the Isla that I already had. You know you're desperate when you're placing so much trust in the postal system. 

My books were near Stephanie Perkins' head!

But my biggest splurges are reserved for travelling. The last trip I impulsively decided on, I actually thought, "YOLO and whatever" when I went ahead with it. And when I'm on vacay, I always convince myself to just go for whatever I'm interested in ("Ughhhhh this will hurt my wallet. But when will you get the chance to come back here with these people again?"). For me, the allure of making memories and exploring new places with friends and family is worth every penny. Many, many pennies. But worth it all the same.

My next vacay -- with some FYA Book Clubbers from other chapters!

As these anecdotes prove, the FOMO is strong with me, y'all. That's totally my winner's curse.

Want to win a copy of The Winner's Crime? Simply leave a comment with your winner's curse. (No need to be as thorough as me!) A winner will be randomly chosen on Thursday, February 26. (U.S. only -- sorry, everyone else!)

Check out the rest of the blog tour for The Winner's Crime here! And visit the official Winner's Trilogy website for cool things like an online game of Bite and Sting!

BOOK REPORT for Kaiulani: The People's Princess by Ellen Emerson White

Cover Story: NBC
BFF Charm: Yay!
Swoonworthy Scale: 0.5
Talky Talk: Dear Diary
Bonus Factors: Robert Louis Stevenson, Hawaii, Boarding School, Grand Tour
Relationship Status: Bosom Friends

Royal Diaries Drinking Game

Take a sip when:
• There is talk of a betrothal
• The protagonist references the diary concept (i.e. apologizes for not writing often enough, has to find a hiding place for the diary, explains why she's writing in it to begin with, etc.)
• The protagonist wonders what it would be like to be a "normal girl"
• There’s a ball
• There's a trip to the marketplace
• Somebody makes a chess metaphor
• Somebody becomes deathly ill (pour one out if they die!)
• Somebody is poisoned or strangled or in some other way Ye Olde Murdered
• You wish you were a princess

Take two sips when:
• The protagonist becomes officially betrothed
• The protagonist suspects someone of reading her diary
• It's the protagonist's birthday*
• Secret nighttime adventure!
• Obvious historical foreshadowing
• The protagonist becomes deathly ill
• You're really glad you're NOT a princess

Take a shot when:
• The protagonist gets hitched
• Another Royal Diarist is mentioned*

* A particularly excellent source of drinking this time around, as Kaiulani ages from thirteen to seventeen over the course of about 200 pages.
* Possibly the greatest showing yet: Elizabeth (series MVP) and Mary both score mentions, and Victoria even makes a tiny cameo.

Cover Story: NBC

I totally peacock this cover. Which is to say that I like all the peacocks Tim O'Brien has managed to cram into the picture enough to ignore the fact that Kaiulani's middle-distance stare freaks me out the longer I look at it. Let's all just look at how pretty Kaiulani was IRL instead.

The Deal:

We all know how this goes by now, right? Kaiulani is a princess. She is second in line to the Hawaiian throne, on her mother's side. (On her father's side, she's Scottish.) Being a Hawaiian princess means Kaiulani actually gets to live that "island paradise" life that every one of your Facebook friends who has ever taken a one-week vacation to Maui can't stop talking about. She goes for a swim in her own private cove every morning, rides her pony on the beach, and spends the rest of her free time reading in the garden. Also, every time she drops her pen, a servant has to pick it up for her. (This is presented as an inconvenience, but c'mon: the real inconvenience is all the dropped pens in my life I have been forced to pick up myself.) Unfortch, Kaiulani's various guardians have decided that she needs a Proper Education, and she gets shipped off to boarding school in rainy old England. Also unfortch, there's trouble a'brewing back home, where a meddlesome contingent of American officials want to get rid of the Hawaiian monarchy altogether. Separated from those she loves most, Kaiulani must bear up under her feelings of homesickness and powerlessness, and learn how to become the princess her people need.

BFF Charm: Yay!

I defs feel like Kaiulani and I could be friends IRL or in the Narnia-like fantasy world, umoored from time and place, where all twenty Royal Diarists plus me hang out together and eat ice cream. She's very invested in her family and royal duty, which in practicable terms means she's extraordinarily gracious to everyone she meets and writes an ungodly number of thank-you notes. She also loves to shop and discuss celebrity gossip. The only downside I see here is that being Kaiulani's friend might make me look bad in comparison, because the last time I sent a thank-you note was approximately never.

Swoonworthy Scale: 0.5

I was rooting for swoon with one of Kaiulani's older, adopted male cousins (what? they're adopted, and also this is 19th century monarchy, who cares), but was left sadly disappointed. Even so:

I have been enjoying the stream of dances and suppers we have been attending, and Annie tells me I am becoming quite an accomplished flirt! I was very pleased, but she said it was meant as a mild rebuke. I told her I would just have to practice more, until my flirting skills are beyond reproach.

Attagirl.

Talky Talk: Dear Diary

As mentioned above, this book spans four years in Kaiulani's life. Like Isabel and Anastasia, Kaiulani begins with frequent updates over a short period of time and then shifts to much more infrequent diary entries for the rest of the book. This can be weirdly frustrating; it feels a bit like slowly drifting apart from a friend you used to spend time with every single day. I understand the urge to cover a good long portion of the princess' life—and usually the period of time that's skimmed over is one in which nothing exciting and/or positive is happening—but it's not my favorite Royal Diaries structure type. (Or maybe I'm just sad because the earlier, more in-depth portion almost always corresponds to the Golden Age in the princess' life, and then everything goes downhill from there. Present subject very much included.)

Bonus Factor: Robert Louis Stevenson

Kaiulani forms a friendship with the Treasure Island author as he's visiting Hawaii, and it is simply a delight. Imagine if Meg Cabot started dropping by your house for tea every week and suggesting books for you to read and writing you personalized poems (in this scenario Meg Cabot is also a poet). (Probably nobody has ever made the exact Robert Louis Stevenson/Meg Cabot comparison before, but c'mon: he totally would've been a YA author today. At least, that's what the many YA retellings of Jekyll and Hyde have led me to believe.) 

Bonus Factor: Hawaii

I mean, obviously.

Bonus Factor: Boarding School

Great Harrowden Hall isn't always the happiest place for Kaiulani, but every once and a while she and her pals get up to the exact sort of hijinks that the "boarding school" bonus factor was created to honor.

Bonus Factor: Grand Tour

AKA the American road trip/European backpacking trip of Kaiulani's day. Her Grand Tour does not exactly go as planned—in the "Kaiulani's world is crashing to pieces around her" sense, not the "luggage got delayed and it rained at the beach" sense—but it's actually quite impressive to see her redefine the genre.

Casting Call:

Q'orianka Kilcher as Kaiulani

The most depressing part of writing these Royal Diaries reviews, otherwise a delightful experience, is the absurd number of hours I sink into trying to find a suitable actress for most of the non-European princesses. Dear Hollywood: get your shit together. After spending way too long fruitlessly trawling the Hawaii Five-0 imdb page for a native Hawaiian actress in the under-thirty age range, I ended up falling back on Q'orianka Kilcher. As I mentioned when I previously cast her as Weetamoo, Q'orianka actually played Kaiulani in a poorly-received biopic a few years ago. I still stand by my statement that she's better-suited to Weetamoo, but until Hollywood takes my advice and gets said shit in order, Q'orianka's just going to have to pull Royal Diaries double duty.

Relationship Status: Bosom Friends

As this book takes place in that fabled time when girls actually had to balance books on their heads to practice deportment, it seems fitting to speak of our relationship in Anne of Green Gables terms. I feel that this book is in a sense my kindred spirit, a friend to which I can confide my innermost soul! At the very least, this book confided its innermost soul to me, and made me quite sympathetic. We had fun together, and we were also very sad together. I'm not going to inflate this book's ego by calling it the Platonic Ideal of what a Royal Diaries book should be, but I will say it is a very fine example of the form.

FTC Full Disclosure: I purchased this book with my allowance. Kaiulani: The People's Princess has been available for years, y'all. So get on that.

Happy Friday! Let's link it up, shall we?

Book Related Things

Epic Reads has put out a brief history of YA video.

Get your Harry Potter funko pop figures now!

Graphic novel The Sculptor has been optioned.

Read the first 7 chapters of The Fug Girls' The Royal We.

MacMillan Teen Books is releasing pieces of a map based on The Winner's Curse series. (And don't forget to enter our Winner's Crime giveaway!)

Amazing Twitter account: @DystopianYA.

Also hilarious: @BroodingYAHero.

You can also follow Gansey, Blue, and Ronan. (Get yourself a #SaveGansey shirt/sticker/phone case/large sign to carry to Maggie Stiefvater appearances while you're at it!)

Rainbow Rowell talks Fifty Shades and Franzen.

Movie Related Things

Three women were arrested for attacking a man when he asked them to be quiet during Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm so confused.

Watch Jamie Dornan eat his own (cake) abs.

Empire Records will be a real store! For two days.

TV Related Things

If Friends had been set in 2015.

A Mad Men teaser. Oh god, Pete Campell, could you be any more smarmy?

Miscellaneous Things

The world needed a Sexy Jeff Goldblum tee. Here it is.

Motivational posters for people who hate people.

That's it for this week! Did we miss anything? What are you doing this weekend?

One of the cool things about technology is how it has the power to bring the world closer together. Cheesy, I know, and likely to be bumped down if we ever figure out teleportation. (Or even jet packs. Hasn't science fiction constantly promised us jet packs?)

But think about how essential communication is to just about every aspect of your life: your morning reads (hi!), your errands, your work, your relationships -- your entire existence. Now crank up the difficulty factor by switching those interactions to another language. Accessible tools that bridge the language barrier are so crucial in our increasingly globalized society.

As any misguided high schooler who attempted homework with instant word-for-word translation could tell you, adapting a message into another language involves nuance and finesse beyond the capabilities of basic machine translation. Which is where a website translation software company like Smartling comes in. 

Proper translation is especially important when it comes to literature. A different choice of words could dramatically change the tone or meaning of a passage. It's why works like the Iliad and Beowulf have been translated so many times; each translator has their own interpretation, however subtle those differences may be. 

Translation is a big part of my life; I predominantly use English, but I speak only Cantonese with my family. Through my many years of malapropisms and incorrect grammar, I've learned that, when switching between languages -- be it in conversation or in writing -- what matters most is preserving what I want to say and how I want to say it. Am I being serious or sarcastic? Am I getting my point across? As long as the same information is being conveyed, the exact wording isn't as important to me as being fully understood. 

Besides, some words don't have a perfect analogue in another language. “A gloomy, romanticized world-weary sadness, experienced most often by privileged youth" might be a specific description, but it can't exactly be dropped into any sentence. Rather than awkwardly trying to make the pieces fit, a good translation should find creative solutions around such obstacles. To achieve the same effect as the original piece intended; that's really all there is to it. 

So, dear readers: if your fave books* were translated into another language, which aspect of writing would you like to remain consistent? 

*Because LOL, like it's possible to only have just one.

About Smartling: 

Smartling’s mission is to make the world’s content multilingual. By putting the entire translation workflow in the cloud, Smartling enables businesses to reach global markets more quickly, more accurately, and more cost-effectively than ever before.Through its Software as a Service solution, Smartling removes barriers for companies going global by streamlining the process of delivering multilingual content to customers anywhere in the world.

Smartling is a translation technology company. For customers who need help identifying a translation service provider, we also have a network of trusted translation partners who deliver high-quality, professional, human translation.

Smartling practices continuous deployment, rolling out improvements and new features multiple times per day. In fact, the entire company is organized around continuous improvement, so that customers get what they need as quickly as possible. Agile is in our DNA.

Website
Twitter
Facebook

Previously on Reign: Mary’s mother visited court; she was awful. Bash met a man claiming to have been pulled from his grave by a woman dressed in white. King Antoine is trying to ruin Bash’ marriage, despite having already gotten away with poisoning King Henry. But since Catherine thinks the Duke of Guise was responsible, he was shot down in the road like a dog.

For something new and different, this week's party was preceeded by a funeral! Sometimes, I miss the plague.

The Intrigue:

- Mary de Guise eulogizes her brother, while Catherine snarks the whole thing under her breath. It’s perfection. When Mama Guise joins her, she admits to being totally cool with the fact that Catherine offed her brother. Wow. Did anyone like that guy?

- Antoine notices Conde’s longing looks at Mary, and surmises he has her heart, but not yet, her bed. Annoying Antoine seems to think it’s all part of their long con on the Valois family.

Seriously, Antoine is the original "UGH, THIS GUY."

- Francis tells Lola he was looking for her at the Duke’s memorial, to tell her that he’s found a potential alliance for their infant son. However, the prospective bride’s parents want to meet Lola first. Francis tells her there’s no reason she wouldn’t impress them. (I privately think that being the mother of the king’s illegitimate son isn’t that impressive of a resumé.)

- Antoine is still trying to win Kenna over. She returns the ruby she found in the strawberries he left for her, telling him that it’s an invitation she cannot accept, and that the flirtation must stop. He tells her that it will, and then keeps doing it, even playing the sick spouse card, which that nitwit, Kenna, falls for. And then to really cap it, he offers to pay her to be his personal shopper/party planner. Yep, he’s got Kenna’s number.

- Mary’s horrible mother wants to know where Mary’s heir is, why Francis no longer visits her chambers, and whether Lola is to blame. Her mom passes her some herbs to help her relax and do her wifely duty. Mama Guise warns her that producing an heir before Queen Elizabeth does is what will secure her country. Spoiler: That shouldn’t be too tough.

- Mary admits to Francis, that her mother is right about them needing to produce an heir. He thinks it’s too soon, and not a good enough reason to be together, if that’s not what she really wants. But, she speaks so romantically of their duty. Does that not do it for you, Francis?

- Bash tells Kenna he doesn’t think it’s a great idea for him to attend the party of the man whose brother he killed. Don’t worry about it, Bash. They do it all the time on the vampire shows. She admits her absence might be missed, since she was the party planner. He’s not thrilled, since they both know what Antoine wants from her. But, of course, he has to leave, to pursue supernatural happenings. And yet again, Kenna is pissy because he has to work instead of going to another party. Yawn, you guys.

- Francis confides in his mother (as this mama’s boy is prone to do) about the pressure from Mama Guise to produce an heir. Francis doesn’t believe Mary is really ready, since she blames her attack on him. Catherine makes a very good point, that if Mary is willing, let her take the lead. Unfortunately, a king’s visit to his queen’s chambers, should be witnessed, to eliminate any speculation about whose child it is.

- Bash inquires in the village, about a healer dressed in white. A washer woman tells him that she healed her son, but blinded the other, because magic always has a price? It’s silly and Bash eats that stuff up.

- Greer takes her working lady next door neighbor, Charlene, a wig, as an apology for the whole hair-chopping john incident. Then she offers her some advice on choosing a better class of clientele. Greer is going to outfit her so that Charlene can work her charms at Antoine’s party.

- Mama Guise makes sure to fling some angry insults at Lola, as Lola is on her way to meet the von Hapsburgs, that Francis is hoping to marry their kid off to. Mama Guise guilts her about being a terrible lady-in-waiting and friend to the queen. She claims Lola and her son’s presence make Mary seem deficient and disposable.

- Bash finds the lady in white at an abbey, where she’s been taken in by nuns. She tells him she healed the sick boy, by placing hands on him. She claims the man pulled from his grave was burried alive, and she simply answered his calls. She says she only helps those who would die without her help. and that she touches others and senses their pain. At his insistence, she touches Bash and gives him vague predictions of broken hearts and violence. So, she’s watched the CW before?

- Kenna is spazzing because things aren’t yet perfect for King Antoine’s party, though it’s quite obviously already started. She frets about her clothes, and he sends her off to pick a dress and jewels from the stash he keeps. Yep, Kenna’s affections can be bought. He promises to dispatch a message to her husband, but of course has no such intention.

- At the party, Lola greets Conde in a most uncharacteristically effusive way. She mentions having had a drink with Mama Guise to steady her nerves, which explains why she’s high as a kite, and about to make a fool of herself in front of her son’s potential in-laws.

- Francis is escorted to Mary’s chambers in his robe, she’s in her nightgown, and I’m confused, because there’s a freaking party going on tonight. She tells him that she’s sure, and makes the first move. She’s obviously not that steady, and really should have had some of what Lola was having. But, it’s Francis who pulls away in protest. She lets it slip that an heir needs to be conceived to secure her place, if they go on to separate lives. He wants to know if she loves Conde or if she just wants to secure her rule in Scotland before she turns to Conde. She tell him BOTH. He tells her that he forbids her from being with Conde. Yeah, that should take care of it, Francis.

Woe is the poor ship Frary.

- Kenna arrives at the party wearing the most improbable drop-waisted, sequined monstrosity of a gown and headband. Antoine gloats to Conde. Kenna is obviously awaiting Bash’s arrival. Meanwhile, Bash is off at the abbey, awaiting word from Kenna.

- Lola meets the von Hapsburgs and their apparently unfortunate looking daughter, who she makes horrifying observations about. People should be high on this show WAY more often. Francis quickly escorts her away, believing she’s drunk. Lola gets a little too handsy with him and he realizes he needs to get her away from the party, STAT.

- Mary tells her mother there will be no heir because she was raped and that’s why she and Francis no longer share a room. Her mother is far from appropriately sympathetic. Mary tells her that she realizes now that she is her own person, and utterly alone, but perhaps better for it. Word, girl.

- Francis is attempting to get super stoned Lola loaded into a carriage, when she tells him that she remembers how he was when they were alone in Paris, including that he was a great kisser. But she also hopes that he and Mary work things out. He orders her sent back to her chambers at the castle. Which, WHERE ARE THEY?

- Having seen Francis at the party, Conde goes to Mary, knowing that Francis was supposed to be with her (“the whole castle knew of your plans tonight.” Oh, ick). Mary confesses the plan was a failure because she froze and couldn’t go through with it. He tells her to be patient with herself. She tells him not get his hopes up about this, because Francis has forbidden them to be together. Mary tells him the pressure is worst from her mother, but Conde has deduced, based on Lola performance, that Marie is quite the opium addict.

- Bash arrives at the party, nearly enraged about the good time Kenna is having in Antoine’s clothes and jewels, and not having received the intended message from Kenna. They fight outside, because Kenna wants more material things out of life, and Bash doesn’t.

- Still high Lola goes running through the castle corridor, straight for Narcisse. “Could sex with you be simple, not scary?” DOUBTFUL. Narcisse is actually gentlemanly, realizes Lola is not herself, and says that when he has her, he wants the real her. He orders a servant to escort her to her chambers and stay with her. She complains to the servant. “He didn’t even offer me a bath.” HA. It would be awesome if Lola now thinks Narcisse’s predilections are the norm.

- Mary confronts her mother about the opium, and drugging Lola. Marie says she is dying and just trying to assure Mary’s place. Mary wants her to stay at the castle and be cared for, but her mother insists on returning to Scotland. I can barely even pay attention to this discussion because Mary is wearing one of her crazy season one off-the-shoulder bohemian dresses. Mary tells her mother not to worry, because she will not let any usurper take her country from her.

- Kenna tells Antoine to stay away from her, that she doesn’t want to be his revenge. She thinks he believes her to be easy prey, because she was the king’s mistress. He tells her that he doesn’t want her as revenge, or as a mistress, but as his wife. You know, just as soon as his current wife dies, of course. He thinks she couldn’t possibly be happy with a husband of Bash’s station, when she could be a queen.

- Francis tells Catherine that there’s no hope of he and Mary having an heir. She believes that Mary could still come around, but also wants him to pursue his own joy, should that be another woman at court. He watches Lola fondly from a window. She’s in good spirits, for someone who should have a massive hangover. She’s embarrassed, but he assures her that the disclosures of the previous night were taken as a gesture of friendship.

- Charlene shares her earnings from the previous night with Greer. She’s recruited some other working girls and they want Greer to direct them to the noble parties, and dress them up, and they’ll give her a cut of the action. And this is how we get Madam Greer. HERE FOR IT. It's about time one of these girls had a career.

- Mary tells Conde that her mother is dying, and she needs to return to Scotland to rule as the queen in person. She hasn’t told Francis yet. She’s done listening to everyone else, and plans to pursue what she wants. Which is apparently Conde, by her side in Scotland.

I think she just offered to put him up in a great condo.

- Antoine finds a dazed Conde in the snowy courtyard and tells him he’s received news from England. Elizabeth wants a noble alliance with someone who has a strong foothold in France, and she wants Conde. Well, DUH. She’s probably seen him. Conde is in disbelief, but also says he can’t, while looking nauseated, and torn.

History According to Reign:

“Don’t flaunt your bountiful womb to me.” It’s a shame such insults have fallen out of fashion, isn’t it?

Sure, Elizabeth wants Conde in England. She wanted all the good-looking nobleman of Europe to dance attendance upon her, for decades at a time, while she dangled the possibility of marriage. But she never married a single one of them, and kept all that power for herself, because she was awesomely smart.

Final Thoughts:

“Mary, you’re here to do a job.” Truer words, lady. But seriously, when you're queen of your own country, maybe brood mare shouldn't be your most important job?

“Lola was fairly levitating after she had something to drink of your mother’s.” High Lola = best Lola.

I’m much more interested in a potential Lola and Narcisse affair, than a Lola and Francis one. But then, Francis is a bore.

What is poor, overwhelmed Conde is going to do?

Next week March 12:

Mary and Conde go off for a romantic interlude, while he still looks nauseous. Antoine warns Conde that Francis will find a way to kill him for this.

P.S. 

MISSING: PASTRY BOY

If seen, please return him to us.

BOOK REPORT for Knockout Games by Greg Neri

Cover Story: Look Inside!
Drinking Buddy: No...
Testosterone Level: Wow
Talky Talk: White Privilege
Bonus Factors: I Really Mean It, Baby...
Bromance Status: See Ya in Five to Ten

Cover Story: Look Inside!

The creepy guy in the hoodie is okay, but there are some awesome photographs in the inner cover. Unfortunately, my library copy has tags and identification labels all over it, so I can't really scan it for you.

The Deal:

Fifteen-year-old Erica's life is pretty crummy. Her father has taken up with another woman and left the family with nothing but gambling debts. Her mother moves them to a nasty St. Louis neighborhood, where chubby Erica, with her bright red hair and white skin, really stands out. She has no friends and her mother is always at work.

Erica eventually befriends an African-American girl named Destiny, who introduces her to Kalvin Barnes, the Knockout King. Kalvin, along with a crew of middle schoolers, plays the knockout game. You find a random target, then punch them so hard that they fall unconscious. Simple as that.

The first time Erica comes to the games, she isn't sure what to expect. But she manages to catch the whole attack with her camera. Anxious to be liked, she edits the video and shares it with Kalvin and his friends. They are impressed. They want her to be their official videographer.

Hey, now she has friends! She's popular! And since she's the one behind the camera, no one will know she's involved. And it's not like she'll ever want to knock someone out herself...

Drinking Buddy: No

No. A thousand times no. The whole time Erica is involved in the knockout games, she never once wonders if this is, you know, kind of wrong. Even when she takes to knocking out people on her own. I mean, we've all done stupid stuff to fit in, but leaving a middle aged guy face down on the sidewalk, bleeding from the mouth...is your moral compass a little broken there, Erica?

And when things fall apart and the police connect Erica with the attacks, she follows her parents' advice and turns snitch on everyone. "Just name names, honey. Tell us about the awful Negroes who led you astray. We know this couldn't be your fault."

Testosterone Level: Wow

Lots of kids, especially poor kids, break the law for various reasons: boredom, anger, a chance to make money, to make a social statement, whatever. But the knockout games are pure cheap thrills. If these kids were graffiti artists, gang members, or even drug dealers, I could understand their struggle. But this? This is just hurting people for the sake of hurting people, nothing more.

The author's note states that the knockout games are a real St. Louis phenomena, which inspired him to write this book. It's sad that middle school kids can become so hopeless that this is the only way to get kicks.

Rant over.

Talky Talk: White Privilege

Erica goes to a school where the police patrol the halls, where a dress code is rigidly enforced, and where one mistake can get your butt suspended. But when things go bad and the police come down hard on Kalvin and his crew, Erica is right at the forefront pointing out everyone involved. Except herself, of course. Even when the police come across photographic evidence of her own attack, she still gets off with probation.

I hate to say it, but that's not unrealistic. The rest of the crew are black or Latino, and all of the victims are white. The authorities don't want to see some red haired girl from Arkansas on the news. They want to see more 'colorful' criminals.

When Kalvin talks about how the police once roughed up his mother so he'd get mad enough to throw a punch, I got the uncomfortable feeling a lot of people could relate.

I didn't like the main character, but it's because she reflects a larger ugliness.

Bonus Factors: I Really Mean It, Baby...

So Erica hooks up with Kalvin (making her even less likeable when she later turns him in). He's black, which is kind of exotic for her, he likes old movies, and he's been burned by the system.

And he's full of shit. When it comes down to it, he's a guy who hurts people for fun, and lies to make himself look innocent. He's got his mother snowed, believing his expulsion from school is just a temporary suspension, and all the guys who show up at his house are there to drop off homework. He gets Erica to agree to 'no condom' and actually uses the 'let's film our love,' line. Of course he's not going to show it to his buddies. Or the internet.

Erica learns a hard lesson about trusting guys. Especially guys who like to beat the snot out of random strangers.

Bromance Status: See Ya in Five to Ten

Reading this book was an intense thrill, but left me feeling bummed out and hollow. Which is what the author intended, I suppose.

Previously on The Vampire Diaries - Kai wins the witchy merge and kills Luke in the process, Tyler leaves Liv, Bonnie heads to Greenland to find her way back home, Stefan and Caroline finally kiss and the death of Liz Forbes breaks our collective heart.

Seeing Caroline trying to navigate something as inconsistent and crushing as grief is something I can personally relate to; I lost my father to cancer about ten years ago and the hardest thing is how it takes over your entire body, making you feel like a pod person. You wander through your own life feeling like an impostor; even brushing your teeth feels robotic and inappropriate. Your reality is physically altering; life no longer contains this person and how is that even possible?

It seems Caroline and I share many coping mechanisms, such as surrounding yourself with friends, making lists and staying busy. Grief is also AWESOME at removing any filters you used to give yourself to make life pleasant for other people, as shown by her unabashed disdain for Damon as he tries to write her mom’s eulogy. He tries to reach out by sharing why he thinks Liz chose him and Caroline checks her pockets for f*cks to give. (Spoiler alert - she has none.)  He gently tells her to prepare for the incoming wave of grief and loneliness that hits after your friends and family have mourned beside you and dropped off casseroles. It’s inevitable and part of the process but Caroline on her best day isn’t comfortable with the unexpected so this should go well. We see her making a list, determined to get this funeral ball rolling, and she assigns tasks to all of her friends.

Jo is vomiting with Alaric in earshot and immediately I think that she’s pregnant. Then I tell myself that’s crazy because Alaric is a vampire and can’t get her pregnant, right? (He IS still a vampire, right? I honestly can not keep up.) She insists it’s food poisoning when Newly Empathetic Kai shows up at her door, sweaty and sick, insisting that he’s dying because he doesn’t have her magic. If he dies, the entire coven dies AND the magic that is holding together the prison worlds? Also gone. So does that mean Bonnie comes home or is trapped forever or simply dissolves into the ether…? He never makes that quite clear.

Damon is trying on ties and we flash back to him helping his baby brother (seriously, how many years are between them? Baby Stefan is YOUNG.) practice putting on a tie for their mother’s funeral, which we all know he bails on. Their father has instructed Stefan not to cry (stupid Puritans) and Damon informs Stefan that their father is a heartless moron. I can’t believe these two let a woman get between them. ANYWAYS.

Stefan reluctantly asks Damon for advice with Caroline, which immediately sets off alarm bells. Are you actually trying to convince me that Stefan is not in love with Caroline because I’m not having a single ounce of it. You can sell that snake oil elsewhere. Damon tells him that he knows what love feels like (sure, first love which is crazy intense, and first CRAZY love with a manipulative vampire, he knows that THEY feel like) and that he’s clearly not in love with Caroline (SHUT UP DAMON) and needs to pull the ripcord (TERRIBLE ADVICE). The only decent advice Damon has to offer is for Stefan to wait until AFTER her mom’s funeral to break her heart. AWESOME.

Elena and Caroline are casket shopping (how is she even bearing this?) and Elena schools Caroline in Funerals 101; folks say the worst, most well-intentioned awkward shit to grieving people. You have to know when to smile, nod, deflect and call in back-up. The last thing we need is Caroline (literally) tearing off some poor woman’s head who thoughtlessly tells her that her mom is “in a better place now”. Caroline tells Elena about her kiss with Stefan and Elena is all, Leave it until after the funeral. Yeah. I think we all know that was never going to happen.

Bonnie Bennett, taping her last Prison World video and feeling like a boss.

Meanwhile Bonnie is feeling like a total badass, having secured the bloodstone from Greenland and getting her magic back. SHE IS READY TO COME HOME. She gets all her assorted magical goodies ready down in the cave and waits for the eclipse, except all of a sudden there is no moon and it’s snowing. DAMMIT KAI. She makes her way to a cabin, passing under the Northern Lights as she traipses through snow. Inside the cabin there are many signs that Bon-Bon should be concerned, like no electricity and old-timey lamps. Unless she’s stumbled into a hipster’s retreat it’s clear that she’s in yet ANOTHER time/prison world. On the dresser she sees pictures of the Salvatore Brothers. My first thought was OH MY GOD SHE’S IN CATHERINE’S PRISON WORLD, and then I remembered that Catherine is in hell. (I bet if anyone could talk their way out of hell it would be Katerina Petrova, AMIRITE?)

At the church Caroline stands alone in front of her mother’s open casket. Stefan quietly comes in and Caroline moves forward with her plan to Discuss The Kiss and he suggests they talk alone after the funeral. His I Am Not In Love With You message has rang loud and clear to poor Caroline.

*insert long exasperated siiiiiiiigh*

The mourners start to file in after she has one more moment alone with her mom where she assures her that she will be alright. Tyler shows up drunk and Matt Donovan is having none of it. The rest of the Mystic Falls Police are there to show their respect. They give out a Last Call to their sheriff on their police radio, draping her casket in an American flag. Damon took Elena’s advice: his eulogy is for Caroline.

“Liz Forbes was my friend. In her last moments she asked me to pass along a message to her daughter...Your mom wanted you to know how proud of you she was, and she should be. A beautiful, strong woman. A generous friend and a bright light in the darkness. She said you were extraordinary, and you are. And so was she. Liz was a hero to this town, she was a hero to all of you and she was a hero to me. Goodbye Sheriff. You will be missed.”

You know Damon is thinking, "I just eulogized the hell out of Liz. OH YES I DID."

Caroline sings her mother home and Stefan is enraptured; it takes a special strength to be able to sing like that while carrying your grief. Something changes in the way Stefan sees her and he realizes that all deep loves are not necessarily built the same.

Post-funeral going’s on are at The Grill and Matt approaches a now sobered-up Tyler, telling him that he’s decided to join the police force. My heart flip-flops a tiny bit because any police force would be lucky to have Matt Donovan. He recognizes the lack of purpose and focus in Tyler’s life and slides an application across the table. It’s probably not the appropriate time to start fantasizing about a buddy cop spin-off but I might be anyway. (Matt and Tyler: Good Cop, Bad Cop.) Brotherly bonding ensues as Damon apologizes to Stefan for not being there for him at their mom’s funeral. Stefan tells him that what he and Caroline have is different and could be something very real. “I think this could turn into something even better.” Damon tells him to Go Get The Girl already! Today of all days Caroline needs to hear this, what are you waiting for??

Kai has absorbed Jo’s magic and is feeling like gahtdamn BOSS. He informs her that she’s pregnant. (TOLD YA) Alaric immediately proposes and Jo isn’t feeling his “pity proposal” at all, except that he bought a ring AGES ago and has been waiting for the right time. Alaric really deserves some happiness. His first wife left him to become a vampire (and a bitch) and then he lost Jenna. YAY for weddings!

Bonnie goes back to her cave and awaits the eclipse while the two prison worlds flip back and forth around her. She’s approached by someone in the cave who turns out to be Mama Salvatore. So does this mean that she was also a witch…? Should I be more excited about this plotline? Because I’m really not. Returning supernatural parents have NEVER worked out in the past.

Let's just all hope that she's not as crazypants bananas as Mama Mikkaelsen.

Caroline comes home to the emptiest house she will ever experience. She picks up her mother’s blanket and holds it to her nose. She senses Elena behind her even though she asked her not to follow her home. Elena has realized why Caroline wanted the funeral rushed; Caroline wants to get on with the process of shutting off her humanity because her grief is unbearable. Oh Caroline. That’s what grief is supposed to feel like but it’s not forever. Someone tell her that it’s not forever! Elena turned off her humanity AND had Damon removed from her memory so Caroline isn’t trying to hear any advice from her at all. Caroline has deluded herself into thinking that she’ll have more control than Elena did when she flipped her switch. Have I mentioned how grief turns you into a crazy person? She hugs Elena and then snaps her neck. Dammit Stefan, where are you??

Damon arrives home to find Bonnie in his kitchen and we get the cutest hug of this entire show:

images courtesy of vampire-diariesgifs.tumblr.com

She’s brought back the pictures of Damon and Stefan that she found on the cabin’s dresser and she shows him the videotape of the woman in the cave. At least this plotline means we’ll get more Kai.

Thoughts:

-Bravo to Candace Accola for an amazing performance. The little touches she imbued to Caroline’s simultaneous grief/trying to keep it together were so honest. Caroline gently patting her mother’s folded flag, her vulnerability while talking to Stefan, etc.

-Baby Caroline and her skinned arm. “But what if you die and I’m still here?...I think I’ll always need you.” Oh my heart.

-“Hey, I’m even a little bit nice now, in case you’re wondering.” I hope this isn’t the last we see of Kai.

-No silly Enzo plotline this week, thank GOD.

-The rushed funeral is a good excuse for Klaus to not have been there. Because he damn well should have been there.

-“This is the last call for Sheriff Forbes” Police/military funerals are like a punch to the gut.

Predictions for Mama Salvatore? How long will Caroline be off the wagon? Are we ready to see Matt Salvatore in uniform?