Last week, on The O.C.

Follow the whole rewatch here!

Welcome to this week's installment of The O.C. Rewatch Project! Last week, Meredith asked me which episode of season 1 is my favorite, and I think I have to go with either "The Best Chrismukkah Ever" or "The Nana." I'm just a sucker for Seth Cohen's Christmas shenanigans, as well as old Jewish ladies.

This week, we're ending season 1 and beginning season 2, so let's drink to that!

The O.C. Drinking Game

Drink Once every time:

The ladies have a convo while primping in front of a mirror

Seth makes a nerdy reference

Someone says "Chino"

Anyone plays a video game

Summer says "ew"

Anyone eats a bagel

Anyone references The Valley

Drink Twice every time:

Someone says "Newpsie"

Fisticuffs occur (three times for pool fights!)

Someone grabs a cup of coffee

Ryan and Seth read comic books

Someone reminds us that Kaitlin Cooper exists

Onto the episodes!

1.26 "The Ties That Bind"

It's the season 1 finale, and the melodrama has taken a back seat to real drama. Even Marissa isn't acting like her typical, nutty, self-involved self. Everyone is preparing for Julie and Caleb's wedding, but there's so much more important stuff going on that isn't the wedding - Caleb is in serious trouble with the feds, and he's dangerously close to losing his money and his property, and he's pretty confident that Julie isn't marrying him for his money, and while that's somewhat true, he still doesn't seem to know his bride-to-be all that well.

"The Ties That Bind" is one of those Very Important Episodes, as Teresa struggles with whether or not she should have the baby that may or may not be Ryan's. At her age and with her measly waitress salary, along with Ryan still being in high school and having so much of a future ahead of him, Teresa thinks that an abortion is the best choice. The episode approaches the subject matter with the appropriate emotional complexity, with Kirsten revealing her own past abortion to Teresa, and saying the absolute perfect thing: that she just wishes that when she was faced with this decision, someone had been there for her, and she - along with everyone else - will support Teresa no matter what choice she makes, but it is her choice to make in the end, and there is more than one option. It's such a beautiful moment, and the argument afterward with Sandy is another great examination of the complexity of the issue, with Sandy arguing the more logical points (finances, education, future, maturity level), and Kirsten arguing the more emotional and personal side of it.

Ultimately, Teresa decides to keep the baby because for her, that's the right thing to do. But she has no one to help her and no one to turn to, so she has to go back home to Chino to tell her mom and try to keep her life together as best as she can.

And this leads Ryan to decide that he needs to step up and help his friend - even if he isn't the father, he feels that's the right thing for him to do. Seth valiantly tries (and fails) to sell Summer Breeze to get some cash to give to Teresa, which goes a long way with Summer, who's still abstaining from intimacy with him after the whole prostitute thing in Vegas.

With Ryan leaving, Julie and Caleb's wedding becomes a somber affair, and I have to give it to Marissa for handling the situation with grace and maturity. She's supportive and understanding, but she still lets Ryan know that she's very sad about the whole situation and she wishes it didn't have to be this way. The moment out at the beach when Ryan reveals that he's leaving, there's a shot of Marissa where you can see how this affects her - her immediate desire is to say something to stop him, to beg him, to tell him it's not fair and it's not OK, but she stops herself from saying anything at all and solemnly listens to Ryan, who isn't just her boyfriend, but her friend. And this is the right thing for Marissa to do.

The end of the episode is so incredibly emotional, with Kirsten asking Ryan if he'd stay if she could learn how to cook, and Seth trying to put up a wall between himself and Ryan to make the departure less painful - though he reveals why Ryan has been such an important friend and person in his life in a lovely moment of candor, with Summer reminding him that she's his friend, too.

But really, it's Kirsten's emotional breakdown that destroys me. Here is a woman who was initially hesitant to bring this boy into her home, worried about the influence he might have on her own son, but by the end of the first season, he's become just like another son to her and she genuinely loves him. And then she loses both sons. It's so heartbreaking.

Ending the season with Ryan driving off with Teresa, while glimpsing Marissa in her driveway, backlit by the sun, is such a fantastic callback to the pilot, and the perfect ending for this season. Meanwhile, Seth takes Summer Breeze and sails off, leaving a farewell note behind because he just can't stay in the O.C. without Ryan.

How many times did I have to drink? 10

Most recognizable song: That's British singer Jem performing her cover of "Maybe I'm Amazed" at Julie and Caleb's wedding. But the song that's more recognizable than that is Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" playing over the last few minutes of the episode. We've heard this song before and we'll be hearing it again throughout the series, as it becomes a chorus for sadness in the O.C.

Most bromantic moment: Seth trying to sell the Summer Breeze to give Teresa money to help raise her baby. It's so selfless and wonderful of Seth, and shows how much he loves Ryan. Similarly, Ryan's gift to Seth at the end, and Seth talking about what Ryan means to him - guys, I can hardly stand it.

Pudding: 

Best pop culture reference: Seth thinks Ryan should name his kid Thor. "Thor. It's a strong name. No one's gonna mess with Thor."

Sandy and Kirsten 4Ever: These two making out in the kitchen is just the dang cutest. And kind of hot. Side note: if you're itching for more Sandy Cohen action, Peter Gallagher is on the new HBO series Togetherness and he's a total silver fox now. You should def. watch.

2.1 "The Distance"

We begin season 2 with the Cohens' home under construction, reflecting Kirsten's feelings about her broken home. Over in Chino, Ryan works in construction, which similarly serves as a metaphor for the life he's trying to build with Teresa. But he's not happy there with her, and she's not happy because she feels like she's holding him hostage, and we glean all of this from quiet moments, turned backs, and distant stares in the dark.

"The Distance" doesn't kick off season 2 by immediately putting everyone and everything back together, which makes most of the episode a huge bummer. Seth is living in Portland with Luke and his dad, and since no one knows about his dorky, bullied past back in Newport, he's a pretty big charmer with the ladies. With Kirsten giving Sandy the icy treatment, he travels up to Portland (making a pit stop in Chino to try and convince Ryan to do the same) to try and get Seth to return home, (rightfully) pointing out how ungrateful he's been. But there's nothing Sandy can do short of forcing Seth to come home, where he might just run off even angrier again.

Enter Ryan, who bails on Teresa's prenatal check-up to visit with Seth and try to make things right between them. But while he's in Portland, Ryan receives a call from Teresa, who lies about a miscarriage, knowing the baby is the only reason he's with her - without the baby, he's free to go back home to Newport, and maybe everything will fall back into place. It's such a selfless moment from Teresa, who sacrifices this faulty relationship with Ryan so he can be happy. She knows that to keep him in Chino is selfish, and that Ryan basically has one foot out the door at all times. Whatever support he's providing isn't 100%. You can't make someone commit to you. You can't force someone to be the person you need them or want them to be. I feel so bad for Teresa.

Meanwhile, Marissa is dealing with Ryan's absence about the way you'd expect, drinking at her fancy mansion pool all day, and drinking at the beach at night, where she calls Ryan and hangs up without saying a word. Summer has taken a different approach, divesting herself of Seth's belongings and dating someone new, basically ignoring her feelings for Seth.

And in grown-up news, Caleb is about to be indicted hardcore by the feds for his unethical and illegal business practices, so he's gone Full Nixon, acting straight-up paranoid about bugs on the phone and in their homes. But a handsomely scruffy Jimmy is doing OK, and he unites with Julie in the pursuit of being good, emotionally available parents to Marissa, who needs support. Even Julie is kicking off this season in a much better place, thanks to her happy union with Cal. If only she knew the storm that's about to blow in.

While much of the episode is definitely distressing, there's a light at the end of the tunnel: without the baby, Ryan is free to go home, and with Ryan returning, Seth finally feels like he has a reason to belong in Newport again. But they're both right: Monday at school is going to be awkwaaaaaard.

How many times did I have to drink? 11

Julie Cooper, world class mother: 

Best pop culture reference: Julie compares Marissa to the "spawn of Chucky and Keith Moon." Julie Cooper with a joke, guys!

Most bromantic moment: Ryan and Seth bonding in Portland and coming back home, where they easily slip right back into their cute banter. When Ryan goes to leave and he and Seth run back to each other, it's so bro-rom-com.

Good god, Marissa Cooper: This week, Marissa throws an impressively awful temper tantrum. It is ALL TIME.

Worst overshare: Hailey is limber. Caleb is not.

50 Shades of Luke: 

--

And that's it for this week! A question for you, dear readers: how do you feel about Teresa's pregnancy plot with Ryan? Do you think she made the right call in letting him go, or do you feel as though either or both of them are being selfish? I want to know your thoughts.

And two questions for Meredith: 1. How do we feel about bearded Jimmy Cooper? 2. How much did you love/hate Marissa's tantrum?

Meet Meredith back here next Wednesday morning, when she covers "The Way We Were" and "The New Kids On the Block"!

If you've read any of our The 100 recaps, then you know that we've spent the last year calling ALL ABOARD for the USS Bellarke. Bellamy and Clarke have a smokin' hot enemistry that has slowly, painfully, deliciously evolved into a mutual respect... and a simmering volcano of desire. (YEAH I SAID IT.)

While I commend the writers for not jumping the (Bell)shark(e), us shippers need an outlet for all of these pent-up feels, so obviously, we must turn to the internet. And because I love y'all, I have pored over hundreds of YouTube videos and handpicked one masterpiece that will meet all of your swoonin' needs.

(Just... set aside any rules you might have about spelling and grammar.)

Quality: Medium-High

For a fan montage, this video is pretty dang slick. The footage is in HD, the proportions are right (none of that stretched nonsense), and the audio is clear. Sure, everyone is bathed in a soft filter normally reserved for Glamour Shots, but I don't mind seeing those faces look a little less dirty.

The only reason I had to take the score down a notch is because those captions feature some atrocious spelling. And "teached"? REALLY? I'm going to pray assume that the person who made this does not speak English as a first language.

Expertise Level: Dr. Professional

FIFTY REASONS BISH. That's a lot of reasons! And while some of them are a bit of a stretch, this video painstakingly documents, like, EVERY moment between Clake and Bellamy thus far. You've got the big ones, like the hug and Bellamy worrying over Clarke, but you've also got hands touching and all manner of glances, from side to piercing. Dominil13 has not missed a THANG.

Song Selection: Epic, JUST LIKE THIS RELATIONSHIP

It's refreshing to hear a non-pop song! Most fan montages feature Evanescence or some shizz, and I love that Dominil13 chose a more score-like soundtrack to accompany this Bellarke worship. It adds an intensity to the clips, a sweeping grandeur that has me using the word "grandeur" in a post about a fan-made video based on a CW show.

Swimfan Satisfaction (scale of 1-10): 9

The only way this video could be more binge-worthy is if 1) the captions were written correctly 2) there was a scene of Clarke and Bellamy kissing. And since the latter hasn't happened yet, I consider this montage to be a juicy nugget of shipping goodness.

Honorable Mention goes to...

This video, which catalogs every look that Bellamy gives Clarke. Because that shizz needs to be DOCUMENTED.

And this video, which features some excellent editing, i.e. repeating frames of Bellamy and Clarke's hands touching:

Bonus! FYA reader KristIn posted this video last week, and it's SO ADORABLE AND FUNNY. Also, is there a training process to become an Uno Gangster because I AM READY.

So, fellow Sky People, did I miss any remarkable works of The 100 swimfannery? Hit me up in the comments with your scholarly critiques and YouTube findings!

Oh, and did I mention we have Bellarke shirts in the FYA store? Because we're here to meet your swimfan needs.

February's FYA book club book is the fantastic The Winner's Curse by Marie Rutkoski, which is easily one of our favorite 2014 reads. For those of you who haven't read the book, "Bite and Sting" is a chess-like game of strategy at which Kestrel, the protagonist, excels. The game involves tiles illustrated with animals who, yes, bite or sting, and you can play an online version here.

Kestrel watched Irex watch her, his anger mounting as he couldn't decide whether Kestrel's words were a lie, the well-meant truth, or a truth she hoped he would judge a lie. He flipped the tile: a fox.

"Too bad," said Kestrel, and turned over one of hers, adding a third bee to her other two matching tiles. She swept the four gold coins of the ante to her side of the table.

Kestrel, of course, is an intellectual badass, and I love any game that involves intrigue and suspense. That name cried out for a cocktail -- and who are we at FYA to turn down any opportunity to make a new cocktail? This one is similar to a fancy margarita, but with a distinct ginger flavor (the bite) and spicy jalapeno (the sting). 

If blood oranges (which impart the gorgeous fuschia color) aren't available, you can certainly make this with regular oranges (I'd try to find Cara Cara just for the nice floral note). Definitely use bitters -- orange preferred -- to up the complexity of the drink. And if you happen to have cocktail swords to hearken back to Kestrel's dagger, well, you get extra points. (But the real winner is whoever drinks the cocktail.)

THE BITE & STING

Makes one cocktail

½ in thick slice jalapeno
2  ½ in thick slices of ginger
.5 oz lemon juice (can substitute key lime juice)
1 oz honey (about a tablespoon and a half)
.75 oz freshly squeezed blood orange juice
1.5 oz reposado tequila
2 dashes orange bitters

Add first five ingredients to a cocktail shaker. Muddle thoroughly. Add tequila and ice; shake for at least thirty seconds or until the shaker is quite icy. Strain into cocktail coupe (double strain over a fine mesh sieve if you don't want pulp and jalapeno seeds). Add two dashes bitters (or more, we won't stop you). Rub orange peel (peel side down) around the rim and either spear on a cocktail sword or drop in the cocktail.

This cocktail tastes especially good with a Forever Young Adult book club. Don't have one? We have locations worldwide! Head on over here to join or start one! 

BOOK REPORT for Shutter by Courtney Alameda

Cover Story: Don’t Judge
BFF Charm: Heck Yes
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: Lives Up to the Hype
Bonus Factors: Shades of Supernatural, One of the Guys, Unusual Tech
Bonus/Anti-Bonus Factors: Paranormal Gore, Open-Ended
Anti-Bonus Factor: Patty Chase Award for Awful Parenting
Relationship Status: Oliver Twist

Cover Story: Don’t Judge

I am not a big horror fan. So when I first got this ARC, and saw this cover, I was like, “eh ….” And then I kept seeing the book—and the author—touted as the “next big thing in YA horror!” And I was like, “eh …” But I gave it a chance, anyway, and all of my judging and hesitation were for naught. Once again, I’ve learned the importance of not judging a book by it’s (very creepy) cover.

The Deal:

In the late 1800s, Abraham Van Helsing, Bram Stoker and a few other individuals with foresight and tenacity dedicated themselves and their families to the protection of the rest of humanity from evil. In 2015, Micheline Helsing, one of the last remaining members of Van Helsing’s line, is a cadet member of the Helsing Corps, an elite alternate law enforcement agency headquartered in San Francisco. Along with her teammates—Oliver Stoker, Jude Drake and Ryder McCoy—Micheline protects the citizens of the Bay Area from paranormal creatures like the undead (yes, zombies) and ghosts. They’re very good at their jobs, even if they’re not officially part of the Corps just yet.

When the team answers a call for assistance at a local hospital, they realize there’s no time to wait for the backup (i.e., full-fledged adult members of the Corps) to arrive. But what Micheline thought would be a semi-routine exorcism turns out to be anything but.

BFF Charm: Heck Yes

Because of her heritage, Micheline could have been a spoiled brat. She is, essentially, a princess, albeit of a paranormal hunting family rather than a royal one. She also could have been a brute, raised her entire life to fulfill the role of a Helsing, who are the brawn of the operation. (The Stokers are the brains.) And yet, she’s neither. She’s powerful and “special,” yes, but she never wants to be treated that way. She is good at her job and enjoys doing it, even when it means she’s putting her life and the lives of those around her on the line. She’s a total badass, but is also an excellent and loving friend.

Swoonworthy Scale: 6

Because she’s the last in the Helsing line, Micheline is expected (by her father) to submit to an arranged marriage for the benefit and continued strength of her family. Micheline scoffs at the idea—and rightly so!—and believes that a name doesn’t make a man. Unfortunately for her, the man she’s interested in is definitely not one of the names on her father’s list. But that doesn’t mean that there can’t be stolen glances and fleeting caresses when no one’s looking …

Talky Talk: Lives Up to the Hype

There’s a lot of hype surrounding Shutter. I’ve seen it highlighted on social media, in emails, on Goodreads. I know it’s the publishing industry’s job to promote a book, particularly when they think (hope?) it’s going to be a big hit. Sometimes, though, all that hype backfires when a book just isn’t that great.

Thankfully, Courtney Alameda has crafted a book that makes me feel that the hype was deserved. Her writing is clear and detailed. The plot is concise, but includes a little fluff here and there. Her characters feel realistic and so very cool. (But not too cool, if you know what I mean. They still have flaws.) Is the book perfect? No. It lacks a bit in world building. If you don’t know a lot about San Francisco, it can be hard to follow where the characters go. And if you’re unfamiliar with Dracula, the various names of the Helsing founding families don’t have the impact they’re supposed to have. Additionally, I found some of the descriptions of creatures and items a tad confusing; I couldn’t quite picture them in my mind.

But this is a debut novel, y’all, which makes me believe that Alameda has a very promising future—meaning lots of good reading to come!

Bonus Factor: Shades of Supernatural

To give credit where it’s due, a Goodreads friend mentioned that Shutter is perfect for fans of Supernatural. After finishing it, I couldn’t agree more. They’re different enough that it doesn’t feel like a fanfiction, but if you’re a fan of what the Winchesters do—hunting things, saving people, narrowly escaping* horrible deaths—then you’ll enjoy what Micheline and her team do.

*Only sometimes, in the Winchesters’ case. Whomp, whomp.

Bonus Factor: One of the Guys

As someone who, growing up, always felt more comfortable hanging out with “the guys,” Micheline’s place among her three male teammates felt familiar to me. She’s never treated as a lesser being, nor is her being a female ever an issue. She’s the team’s leader, and the guys follow her without question. Yes, one of them might be a love interest, but—thank god—only one of them is.

Also, Micheline is the only main female character, but there are others mentioned in passing in the book who sound equally as badass, so it’s apparent that the Helsing Corps is pretty gender-blind when it comes to recruiting.

Bonus Factor: Unusual Tech

The typical exorcism involves priests, holy water, crosses, Latin chants, etc. In Shutter, however, the tech is different. Micheline uses an analog camera in her battle against ghosts, which is an interesting and new idea in the world of the paranormal. (At least, I’ve never read about/heard of it before.)

Bonus/Anti-Bonus Factor: Paranormal Gore

Shutter is being marketed as a horror book, but it’s not all that scary. Yes, there are paranormal creatures. Yes, things get tense. But it never made me unwilling to go into a dark room after reading. It’s more gory than scary—some of Alameda’s descriptions of the creatures Micheline and team fight are graphic and more than a little disturbing. I’m all for that, in this case, but do be aware that the things that go bump in the night in Shutter didn’t attend Monsters University.

Bonus/Anti-Bonus Factor: Open-Ended

I can’t find any evidence on le Internet that Shutter is the first in a series. Nor does the book leave readers with a cliffhanger. It’s very open-ended, however, which makes me believe that there could be more to this universe than one book.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Patty Chase Award for Awful Parenting

You guys. Micheline’s dad—Leonard Helsing, leader of the Helsing Corps, direct descendant of Abraham Van Helsing—is THE WORST (for most of the book). Not only does he want to arrange a marriage for Micheline, he’s degrading, belittling and abusive. He gets a little better in the end, and there are reasons for him being a giant bag of dicks, which I won’t spoil for you here, but none of it excuses his behavior completely.

Casting Call:

Ksenia Solo as Micheline

Jesse Williams as Ryder

Bob Morley as Jude

Jude is described as a blonde, all-American guy, but he’s also really good with the ladies and calls Micheline “Princess” all the time, so I couldn’t resist casting Bob in this role.

Daniel Radcliffe as Oliver

Relationship Status: Oliver Twist

Oh, Book. I’ll admit, when we first met, I judged you by your outward appearance and rumors I’d heard. But I should have known better—first impressions might be lasting, but they’re not always accurate. Our date was an exciting, wild ride, and I am left wanting so much more.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a review copy of this book from Feiwel and Friends. I received neither a private dance party with Tom Hiddleston nor money in exchange for this review. Shutter is available now.

Hey, Liars! Remember Lesli Stone? No one else in Rosewood does either. GOOD. Mona’s plan to return to life via astral projection is going perfectly.

THIS WEEK’S MVP

The Marin queens! Hanna, for having the guts to ask her dad about money for college, and the wherewithal to call him out for his bullshit when he both refused and let slip he was paying for his stepdaughter's education; Ashely for having the guts to come completely clean to Ted when accepting his proposal, and the wherewithal to not fall to pieces as she waits for him to sort out his thoughts and come back to her with HIS answer. 

originals via alloy

THIS WEEK’S LVP

Jackass Marin. He doesn’t even deserve to have his name remembered, except I just did: Tom. Tom Marin. The waste of space that ruined Ashely and Hanna’s lives and self esteem whose only value is as occasional reminder to the Marin queens that they are Better Than.

BIGGEST SURPRISE/BEST SHOCK

Talia being married—to a man!—earned an OH SHIT from at least one of us, so we will go with that. Although a Liar being manipulated into a relationship with an unavailable adult who is full of secrets is sort of par for the Rosewood romantic course, and thus, shouldn't come as much of a surprise at all.

BIGGEST NO-DUH

Giving blood at a locAl chArity drive in Rosewood, PennsylvAniA is just taking your life into your own hands.

via

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

Hanna got into a billion colleges, while Hobo Artist Jonny did his damndest to convince Spencer that there is no rule that says you have to go to college (eye roll). STOLEN LIES came to town and carried around Mona's old Poe compendium as if it were really one of Mona's creepy dolls, and Mike freaked out about everyone (Hanna) trying to tear apart Mona's life and make it like she doesn't exist. Ezra leveled up in retch-inducing patronizing by declaring to Aria that he IS bad for her and that she needs to take time for HERSELF. Emily kissed Talia, dispassionately, because she is lonely. Pastor Ted proposed to Ashley with a cookie, even though she had given her own cookie away to Jason while Ted was out of the country. Holbrook was revealed to be poisoned by the toxic patriarchy of Rosewood, but otherwise innocent of being the person helping A(li) terrorize the girls the past few weeks. Mike has been visiting Ali in prison, despite Aria's ultimatum that he QUIT, and so obviously they all now think he is mini-A.

THIS WEEK

Liars’ Blood Summit

Although, isn’t that every week’s Liars summit? Anyway, this week the Liars are convened at school for the church-sponsored blood drive, which Ashely is running. Emily can’t donate because of CONTINUITY (that time she spent a summer in Haiti one year and four seasons ago), but still thinks she deserves a cookie. She doesn’t. Spencer takes it away from her. “No blood, no cookie!” she literally says. Four seconds later Ashley comes swinging by (GET IT. SWINGING.) with a tray of brownies…which Aria interrupts her math studying just long enough to promptly take away from Emily, too.

via

“NO BLOOD NO BROWNIE.” And Aria was raised on Ezra Fitzgerald’s Rulebook of Pastries and Bloodsport, so she would know. We mean, Emily did stab a guy once and thus should be absolved of all blood tithes for pastries for the rest of her life, but. She’s not one to make waves. She lets it go.

It is clear that Ashley is heading this blood drive because of love/guilt, because little else could persuade a Marin queen to put up with the blonde terror with a tickle in her throat and a despot's eye for gossip who shows up just then, not to donate blood, but to wheedle TMZ relationship details from Ashley and also to post fliers for the upcoming Glass Slipper "Scholarship Program" Pageant.

Alexis: there is no one bitchier than a church gossip

Rosemary: omg someone who guilts other people for not coming to church is THE WORST SORT OF PERSON

Alexis: Aria is the worst sort of person

Which is true because right as Ashley's blonde terror leaves, a wild Mike appears and knocks a billion things over “just trying to get a better look at how everything works” in the fridge with all the sample blood vials.

via

Synchronized head turn! Our favorite trope!

At their lockers post blood-drive, Spencer reminds Aria that they saw Mike standing by the coolers that held their vulnerable DNA, and if he’s helping Alison…but Aria won’t let her finish that thought. Emily tells them all to take a deep breath, and Hanna retorts that ”It’s hard to breathe when someone’s trying to set you up as an accessory to murder.” Which, fair. But Aria is in denial (duh) that he would hurt Mona, or even team up with someone who did. Plus, she has a math test and because Aria only deals with Aria’s problems, she CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW.*

If it is any consolation for the shade we will be throwing at Aria’s choices this episode, she is at least at the top of her fashion game. Girl looks GREAT.

*To be fair, none of them has ever been expected to know math before this, teacher boyfriend or no, so we should probably cut Aria a bigger break.

Aria, Meet Hot Andrew

Disclaimer: Rosemary and Alexis have WILDLY varying opinions on the return of Hot Andrew. As in, Alexis kept making notes about the next TWO scenes that followed his reintroduction, whereas Rosemary spent that same time finding new ways to comment on how great Andrew is and how one of the Liars had better get on that so that she doesn’t have to jump into a fictional TV murder town in order to do it herself. (”I stand by this.” - Rosemary) We DO still agree, however, that Hanna is perfection and Ezra is a weiner predator. In case you all were worried.

via

In class, Aria doesn’t know any of the answers on her test because this is her first math class in her history at Rosewood High, so she starts cheating off her neighbor, HOT ANDREW. Welcome back, Hot Andrew. Rosemary missed you (while Alexis still can't forgive you for being Callie's horrible rapist on The Fosters). Despite having had to hide everything having to do with A/Ezra for the last two years—i.e., like 85% of her daily life—Aria is the opposite of stealth, and so is, of course, caught.

via

She tells him she got a conditional admission into Savannah College of Art and Design (Wait – what? When? Did we not have like five hundred episodes dealing solely with how A scuppered her attempt to get into every school ever???), and they’re watching her every move, A-style, and she can’t screw up, so she panicked. Hot Andrew is not mad (just TELL me this doesn't look exactly like the face of an abuser before he hits a person? -Alexis) because he is perfect and sexy, and instead he offers to tutor her.

That evening, Aria’s homework time is interrupted by Mike’s ringing cell phone. She sees the call is from a blocked ID and, playing her big sister trump card, she answers it (ARIA). Turns out, it’s a collect call from Chester Women’s Correctional Facility from inmate ::cue automated voice recording:: Hank Mahoney. But when Aria accepts the call expecting it to be Allison, "Hank" hangs up. Cut to Magic Mike XXL, lathered up with baby oil, getting his heavy metal workout on in his bedroom. Aria knocks on his door to ask WHY Allison’s calling him, WHY he’s visiting her in jail and who the HELL is Hank Mahoney?! She knows he and Mona got in a fight the night before she died, and she wants to know what’s up. Mike plays dumb (at least - we think that's an act).

Later, we see Mike AOL Instant Messaging with Hank Mahoney. A/S/L, Hank? But alas, we learn nothing about who Hank is, only that he and Mike are to meet up later. Mike goes to his bedroom mini fridge and pulls out a can of muscle milk that produces a hidden vial of blood. Presumably stolen from the blood drive and NOT some freaky-deeky way to get swole?

via

"MUSCLE BLOOOOOD." #MikesSecret #RosemarysHusband

During their study date the next day, Aria asks Andrew for help with the subjects she’s worst at. “I guess math and science weren’t Fitz’s strong suit?” he asks. Aria is SHOCKED he would say such a thing! Andrew “innocently” points out that she could ask Ezra for help, “assuming you're still together.” This might’ve been a roundabout way of him figuring out if she’s single, but, like, kinda low blow there, buddy. Aria tries to redirect this trainwreck of a convo, but things are officially awkward. Andrew checks his phone—doesn’t want to be late to batting practice—and Aria teases him for doing all these regular teenager things. Golly shucks gee whiz, he looks up at her through his eyelashes, his life must seem boring compared to hers. No one’s EVER tried to kill him and he’s not once been seduced by a teacher!

At that moment, Emily bursts through the door and shows Aria Mike’s ATM receipt, reminding her that A’s always got money, and thus, Mike must be working for A. Aria says that Mike just took the car somewhere, so they have to follow him...they just need a ride. And it’s high time Andrew got a little excitement in his life.

via

The threesome load up in Andrew’s car, and on the way, he rightly asks what the EFF is going on, so as Emily texts Spencer and Hanna to get on board with what’s going down, she tells Andrew that Mike’s dabbling in drugs, of course. MUSCLE DRUGS. They follow Mike’s car to a sketchy diner in the woods, and Aria quickly dismisses Andrew. EVERYONE ALWAYS DISMISSES HOT ANDREW. Inside, the girls spy Mike sliding into a booth with a padded envelope where he’s met, not by a stranger named Hank, but by Cyrus, Alison’s fake kidnapper!

Spencer catches up with them outside in the parking lot. Aria won’t let Mike get hurt and tries to go after him, but Spencer stops her--they’ll follow Cyrus and figure out what’s up, but if they go in now, they get no new info. SO RELAX, ARIA. Aria’s phone rings with a call from Ezra, which she quickly DECLINES. And even though they’re in the middle of spying on something super shady, she takes a moment to fill them in on the Ezra sitch, because no time is a bad time to talk about Aria’s personal life. But she’s stopped short by a GROUP TEXT/MIKE DRIVING AWAY.

via

We missed you, group texts from A!

As visions of jail cells dance in their heads, a motorcycle speeds toward them. It would seem that Cyrus doesn’t like being followed. The girls tell him he has something of theirs and they want it back. So Cyrus offers a trade, but before he can finish, Hot Andrew appears wielding a baseball bat. “BACK AWAY FROM THEM,” he yells. Cyrus takes off, leaving the girls trade-less. Good try, Andrew, but you sorta screwed the pooch on this one.

via

Emily and the Married Woman

Because Emily is an actual angel among us, she finds time between hammering together shelters in Haiti and getting hammered by the constant terrorism of A to invite the woman who has been using her insecurities as a cover to justify sexually harassing Em at work on a bike ride. That was a convoluted introduction to say basically: Talia is no good for Emily.

Anyway, Emily has brought Talia on a bike ride to remind her of what carefree joy is, and also to convince us that Talia isn't nearly as old as she seems when she has her hair up at Ezra's RareBrew Books & Co. Talia tells a very cute/gross story about her disastrous first kiss, here at this very spot, concluding with the declaration that she'd always wanted a do-over. She then asks Emily to tell HER something.

"Ummmm my first kiss is not bikeable," Em says. "No," Talia says back. "More like, tell me a secret. Tell me what scares you most!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA um, dying by industrial mill sawblade and/or losing every girl I love to the vicious hands of A/pAtriarchy and/or my house and parents finally being blown to ashes, Em thinks, while saying "NO SECRETS HERE KISS ME."  They have zero chemistry.

via

One reason they maybe don't have chemistry is Talia's secret! Which is: she is married. To a man. Which Emily discovers when she spies Talia's married name on her employee file back at RareBrew Books & Co. and Ezra brushes off Talia's married status like he is completely blind to the canoodling going on in his own kitchen (he evidently only has spy skills when Aria is involved). 

This discovery of course puts the kibosh on Talia's continued RareBrew flirting efforts. Emily calls Talia out on her secret marriage, then storms out. She refuses to answer Talia's frantic texts that night to explain, but luckily (SIRENS! RUN AWAY!) Talia is just idling outside Emily's house like one of Emily's many old stalkers, and she MAKES Em listen to how yes, she is married, but to her best friend! Who knows Talia likes women! It's very complicated! She shouldn’t have lied, but didn’t want to scare Emily away!

Emily. RUN. AWAY. 

(She doesn't. She tells Talia she has dangerous secrets too, then lets Talia hold her hand/kiss her. It's terrible.) 

Throughout all this Talia mess, Emily also manages to: spy Mike withdrawing $400 from an ATM (where his abandoned receipt further shows that the account he accessed has $18k left in it); retrieve Aria from her Hot Andrew study session/Spencer from her Hobo Artist vandalism date; and convince Andrew to tail Mike into the middle of nowhere. We think maybe also she did a shift at RareBrew, and also saved a litter of puppies from a fire. ANGEL.

via

Spencer and Hobo Artist Jonny

So Jonny is “doing a mural” tonight at Hollis, and wants his “assistant” with him. “Another commission!” Spencer exclaims happily. “I’m painting at Hollis, yes,” he says back not reassuringly, pushing a trash bag of vegetable tops or whatever into her hands while pulling a balaclava over his face and double-checking that her cop boyfriend isn’t going to be coming around any time soon. “This sounds fun and not suspicious at all!” Spencer grins. SPENCER RUN AWAY.

She follows him to a side of Hollis’ campus she’s never been to before, one that visibly needs some TLC, and just keeps congratulating Jonny for how awesome his art is and talking about how lucky Hollis is to have him/he is to have any art skills at all. SHE, on the other hand, has been conditioned by Hastings family absolutism to believe that anything you don’t excel at, you quit. Like for one example, violin, which she loved but was not a prodigy at. So now she is just an art appreciator.

Jonny is an appreciator, too. Of Spencer’s tennis-toned butt, which he gets to stare at because—after he explains that if she hadn’t helped, he’d’ve called his emotionally unavailable ex Sofia, because he is like REALLY bad at relationships and always goes for girls who are unavailable in any conceivable way—he convinces her to climb to the top of the ladder and add some of her own paint work to the mural he has started on the building’s roof. “Looks great!” he says. “You can’t even see it!” she laughs back. 

via

NOT COOL, on a dozen levels.

Pro-tip: someone who wears his shitty relationship skills like a paint-flecked badge on his artistically holey t-shirt collar is basically a human brigade of alarm sirens. RUN AWAY.

The next morning, Spencer stalks across her backyard to throw the newspaper in Jonny’s face. No, it’s not a shot of him upshotting her—it’s a report on VANDALISM AT HOLLIS. Turns out he didn’t get hired to do anything.

via

“PRO-TIP,” she shouts at him, “vandalizing shit is not exactly something I should be doing!” And then she runs away. Good job, Spencer!

Also, good job being your insufferable self, Jonny—you finally pushed Spencer back into being Spencer. As in, you pushed her back into her house, up to her room, where she emailed Melissa (…isn’t she probably dead?) about that contact at Oxford charming ol’ Wren was always going on about.

Oxford is literally the furthest away a person could get from Hobo Artist Jonny—geographically AND philosophically. THANK GOODNESS.

(Unfortunately, after returning from being accosted by Cyrus/Andrew’s chivalry in the middle of the Rosewood sticks, Spencer apologizes to Jonny for accidentally eating all the food he has bafflingly been storing in the Hastings’ main house refrigerator, and also tells him she had fun being a vandal, she was just scared. Then HE tells her he’s “trying to have boundaries” while staring longingly and creeping us the heck out. Wren! We know you are probably Big A, but do Spence a solid and GET HER OUT OF THERE.)

The Only Bitch Badder Than A: Financial Aid

Hanna flags Spencer down in the hallway. She needs to talk to her about college, even though she knows it’s a touchy subject cuz, like, she got into a billion colleges or whatever, and Spencer…

She’s right, Spencer is touchy about it. But Hanna is realizing that college is ‘SPENSIVE, and she needs financial aid because Ashley’s unemployed at the moment. Spencer explains that financial aid is based on parents’ income, and it would appear that, even though Ashley’s broke, Ballard knows that Papa Marin has them dollars. And Hanna won’t be getting aid while his buckage stands in the way.

Hanna returns home to Marin Mansion, where Ashley apparently doesn’t understand how light switches work so is sitting in the semi-dark, swilling wine and thinking hard. Hanna wants to talk to her about the financial aid mess she is facing, but once she learns that Ashley finally womanned up and simultaneously accepted Pastor Ted’s proposal/told him about Jason, Hanna decides to wait/talk to her dad on her own.

Later, Ashley comes in Hanna’s room to tell her, with eyebrow raised, that her dad called and can’t do lunch. Hanna admits that she’s not getting financial aid because Papa Marin’s making those big bucks, so she had tried to get in touch with him about it. Unfortch for Hanna, Ashley explains that he’s off the hook when it comes to child support, thanks to some wheelin’ and dealin’ he did during the divorce. Ashley would prefer he didn’t know she was unemployed, so she pleads with Hanna to drop the subject. And Hanna agrees.

JAY KAY! Mr. Marin is very surprised to find Hanna sitting in his office the next day but we are not because Hanna rules the world. She tells him she got into some rad colleges, and he tells her he DNGAF. He agreed to $10K a year for college and that’s all she’s getting. He can’t afford more because he’s paying for his evil stepchild Kate to go to Dartmouth because she “worked hard” to get in. Cue RAGE and CURSE WORDS from your usually friendly recappers.

Reasonably upset, Hanna runs to the Brew looking for the girls but finds Ezra instead. She left her phone in her dad’s office and can’t reach anyone and won’t go back to get it. Ezra offers to play the dad/counselor/creepy mentor role, so she tells him that her dad doesn’t think she’s college material and now she won’t get to go to college. All she wanted was for him to look at her and say he knew she had it in her. Ezra tells her that his parents thought he wouldn’t amount to much (he didn’t) and he ended up working as a hot dog (a.k.a. weiner a.k.a. dick) to pay his way through college. He reminds her that he used to be a teacher (HOW COULD WE FORGET) and he knew she had it in her all along.

via

He is still terrible but this was actually really great for Hanna (and us) to hear. 

Hanna uses his phone to make the call that Aria declines while staking out Magic Mike. Figuring she'll inevitably catch up on all the A drama later, Hanna starts to leave, but is distracted by Awful Church Lady’s beauty pageant flyer. $20,000 SCHOLARSHIP! It promises, sparklingly. And Hanna’s brain-wheels start turning…

That night, Ashley returns Hanna’s cell phone and confronts her about seeing her dad when she promised not to. She teases Hanna about applying for a beauty pageant, until Hanna tells her she could win some scholarship skrilla. “Now leave me alone and go call Pastor Ted,” Hanna says (with love).

Liars’ Blood Summit, Redux

Back at Spencer’s, Aria and Hanna are staying the night because they are scared of what Mike/Cyrus will do with their blood. “A drop here, a drop there and boom, we’re all sharing a jail cell with Ali!” Hanna says philosophically. “Probably we should’ve all spent the summer in Haiti.”

We agree. Also in agreement? Magic Mike, who is downstairs creeping outside the Hastings’ dumb door windows like a regular old Toby black-hoodie. Miiiiiiike!

via

A-tag

As was established with the return of the group text at the end of their failed Magic Mike stakeout, A has the vials of Spencer’s, Aria’s, and Hanna’s blood. Add that to all the bloody evidence bags from the storage unit/ice cream factory, plus the hacked video of Hanna planning her evidence round-up break-in playing on loop, and what do you get? A planting Hanna’s blood on Mona’s bloody clothes with an eye-dropper. 

COLD.

NEXT WEEK

Hanna has pageant practice. Cop Toby is back and catches Spencer looking like a hoodlum.

<-- Pretty Little Liars 5x18: Oh, What Hard Luck Stories They All Hand Me

Pretty Little Liars 5x20: Pretty Isn't the Point -->

Previously on The 100, Maya frees Bellamy from being a blood bag so he can infiltrate Mt. Weather, Cage imprisons his father and overturns his order to release the Sky teens, and Clarke tells Abby who's really in charge.

I know the world is currently freaking out about Fifty Shades of Grey, but that shizz ain't got nothing on The 100. This show has, like, A THOUSAND shades of grey. There is so much ethical ambiguity and Sophie's Choices and blurred lines and crossed lines and I CAN NO LONGER DISTINGUISH RIGHT FROM WRONG. I mean, except for the wrongness of A.J. Cage and the rightness of Bellarke.

And this week, the show threw my moral compass in a washing machine, then hit the heavy duty spin cycle.

So let's get to it:

Mt. Weather:

The guard (Emerson) that Clarke sent off with the "secret army" info and six hours of oxygen makes it back, but barely. Fortunately for him, Cage is outside -- and in a suit suit, not a containment suit-- so he hooks him up with oxygen. Cage surveys the land and says, "The ground is ours... the ground is ours." Spoken like a true white male!

Inside, Lady Doctor and a posse of guards enter the Ark teens' room, grab one of the kids and drag him away. He's blonde and bearded, and I've never seen him before. So yeah, he's gonna die. When Jasper demands an explanation, Doc Lady informs him that the president is no longer in command. But she assures the 48 47 that, "You're incredibly special to us." Oh bitch I cannot WAIT to see you die.

Camp Jaha:

Clarke, followed by a Grounder bodyguard, strides into engineering and asks Raven if she's heard from Bellamy. There's no word, but there is plenty of tension between these two gals. BOOO. Instead of focusing on Clarke's order to disable to acid fog, Raven wants to focus on the dam, because that's not dependent on Bellamy. Clarke starts freaking out, because she has to head to Tondc for a meeting with Lexa and leaders from all twelve Grounder clans, and she doesn't have a final plan to share with them. Raven softens and assures her that they'll be ready.

The radio crackles and IT'S BELLAMY!

He hasn't made headway on deactivating the fog, because now he has a new mission: find out where the Lady Doctor is taking his friends and figure out how to rescue them. Given the change in the plan, Clarke decides to send Kane in her place to the Tondc meeting. He suggests that Abby attend, since she's still Chancellor, and Clarke's all,

Abby, aghast that everyone is totally cool with her teenage daughter running this joint, shows Kane a classroom transparency note from Jaha, informing them that he left with twelve people in search of the City of Light and reminding me that Jaha still exists.

The Dead Zone:

Speak of the devil! Jaha leads a group of men through a desert that looks so dry, I immediately chugged the hard cider I was drinking. Malfoy, who obviously doesn't give a cuss about skin cancer because he's the only one without his face covered, follows close behind, his faith in Jaha apparently still strong. They stumble upon a Grounder woman, Emori, who was left for dead after she and her brother were attacked. Jaha instructs the men to give her water, but none of them want to share, except for Malfoy, who grabs the canteen and hands it to her. Um, I'm sensing some heat here, and it's not coming from that desert sun. Jaha invites her to come with them, and she agrees to join their party and guide them to the City of Light, but only if they will carry her cart. That seems... weird?

Malfoy and Emori begin talking and fall to the back of the group, so they can have some PRIVACY, oooOOooh. In a heart to heart about their past, Malfoy tells her, "I'm the bad guy," and then she's all, "Look, I have a crazy mutant hand," and Malfoy's like, "I think it's pretty badass," and this is the CUTEST meet-non-cute EVER. Like, I can totally picture Malfoy and Emori getting their own spin-off, but it's, like, a dystopian rom com.

But then the writers have to go and RUIN IT with an ambush by a dude holding a crazy missile launcher. Who, it turns out, is Emori's partner. She grabs Malfoy and puts a knife to his throat, then demands all of the group's supplies. LOOKS LIKE MY ROM COM GOT JUST GOT CANCELLED. Right before hitting him over the head, Emori whispers in Malfoy's ear, "Due north." Or at least, that's what he tells the group she whispered, and he's ready to follow her guidance. Moses Jaha is totally down, but only about half of the group decides to follow. After Jaha commends Malfoy for his faith, the latter replies, "Faith? Nah, I just got nothing better to do." Now there's the Malfoy we know!

Mt. Weather:

Bellamy, guided via radio by Raven and Clarke, is crawling through air vents when he hears the sound of a drill. OH SHIZZ we know what that means, and so does Clarke: bone marrow extraction! GROSS! Bellamy peers through the vent and spies that blonde, bearded Ark kid. Yep, he's dead. CALLED IT. Emerson the Guard is getting the "treatment," while Cage questions him about Clarke's information. He's not worried about the supposed Grounder army, because he's got a spy (Whitman) on the ground who recently informed him about a Grounder leadership summit. OH SNAP. And Cage is going to send a special ambassador to that meeting: A MISSILE. OH DOUBLE SNAP.

Bellamy, totally buggin', asks Clarke and Raven if they caught all that, and obviously they didn't because he's on a radio in a vent shaft and... oh, they did? They heard all of that? Damn, that's a sensitive microphone.

Camp Jaha:

Since there's no way to communicate with Kane and warn everyone about the missile, Clarke decides to race over to the meeting herself. Man, this is just like when I was in high school and we didn't have cell phones, so if I couldn't make it to the mall that day, there was no way to let my friends know. Clarke, I feel your pain.

Clarke also lies to Bellamy when he asks if Octavia is in Tondc. She is, but Clarke doesn't want Bells to be distracted from his mission. But HE'LL BE DISTRACTED ABOUT YOU, CLARKE. Before she walks out the door, Raven hugs her (!!!!) and says "Don't get blown up." Operation BFF Claven is underway!

Mt. Weather:

The guards are back in the Ark teens' room, ready to take another kid. All hell breaks lose, and Jasper gets accosted by a guard... who turns out to be Bellamy! Jasper tells him to find President Wallace, in the hopes that he can help, and Bellamy gives him a gun, then punches him in the stomach. Because Bellamy knows how to SELL IT.

Under the guise of delivering dinner, Bellamy pays a visit to President Wallace, who sadly informs him that he can't help the kids escape. He can, however, buy them some time. Oh, THIS oughtta be good.

Tondc:

Octavia is still following Indra around, but she's too distracted by Lincoln's missing status to soak up any of Indra's hardass Grounder wisdom.

Clarke rushes into the village, and Octavia spots her, as does Whitman, hidden in the trees and scoping out the meeting. After pulling Lexa into an empty room, Clarke gives her the scoop on the missile and explains that they have to evacuate. But Lexa refuses, because if they leave, Mt. Weather will know they have an inside man, and that advantage is too valuable to lose. The only choice, she says, is for her and Clarke to slip away and let the missile come.

SAY WHAT?

Clarke insists that this is the wrong choice, but Lexa only responds, "You showed true strength today. Don't let emotions stop you now." That girl is STONE COLD. She leaves... and Clarke follows.

MY MORAL COMPASS JUST GOT NAUSEATED AND THREW UP.

Out in the woods, Octavia discovers Lincoln snacking on a Grounder, who moments before had been serving guard duty with Octavia. Lincoln, tearful and quivering like a junkie, admits that he just can't fight the urges anymore, so Octavia SMACKS HIM UPSIDE THE HEAD and says, in Grounder speak, "Get knocked down, get back up." LIKE A BOSS. Although now I have Chumbawamba in my head, so thanks for that, O.

As Lexa leads her away from the village, Clarke is still desperate for other options. What if they find Whitman and take him out, so Mt. Weather won't know where to send the missile? What if-- OH SHIZZ there's Abby! Clarke spots her mom, runs back to the village and pleads with her to leave. Meanwhile, Indra has noticed that Clarke and Lexa are missing, so she and Kane decide to launch a search.

That's not the only thing being launched, because here comes that missile! And IT HITS THE VILLAGE. HOLY MOTHER. I can't believe it! Wait, haha, this is The 100 so I TOTALLY CAN. Clarke and Abby are thrown to the ground, but a few seconds after the explosion, they get up, apparently unharmed. When Abby realizes that her daughter knew about the missile and didn't evacuate the village, she goes apeshit and tells Clarke that she crossed the line. "Their blood is on your hands," she says, then warns Clarke that she'll never be able to wash it off. Abby, I hate to break it to you, but NO ONE can wash ANYTHING off in this place.

Mt. Weather:

The guards are back to take another teen, so Jasper shoots one of the soldiers-- right in his bullet proof vest. Dammit! Lady Doctor wises up and selects Jasper as her next victim, but before she and the guards can get him in the elevator, their skin starts burning! Because there's a radiation leak! Because Bellamy!!! (Who, by the way, knows that Clarke lied to him about Octavia. Thanks, Raven!) While the doctor and her guards writhe in agony, Jasper frees the Ark group then comes back just in time to stick a bat in the closing elevator door to prevent Lady Doctor's escape. As she lies on the floor, begging for mercy, Jasper smiles and repeats her earlier words, "I hope you know that you're incredibly special to us."

AND THEN HE WATCHES HER BODY BUBBLE AND MELT AND DIE.

Daaaaaaamn! That was LITERALLY a sick burn.

Cage, furious about the radiation leak and certain that the Pres is somehow responsible, bursts into the cell and informs his father that he fired the missile. Wallace, incredibly upset, yells, "And it only cost you your souls!" and I can't help but wonder if this statement applies to a certain two survivors in Tondc. Then, in a deliciously villainous move, Cage forces his dad to be injected with the Ark bone marrow, so he can walk freely outside.

What's Left of Tondc:

OH THANK GOD OCTAVIA AND LINCOLN ARE ALIVE. But, based on this flaming wreckage, it looks like most people were not so lucky.

Mt. Weather Grounder 101:

There are twelve Grounder clans, and one of them is known as The Ice Nation. Please tell me that citizens of this nation are referred to as Icees.

Death Toll: A SHIZZ TON

- 2 (?) Ark teens

- 11 Mt. Weather guards

- 1 Lady Doctor

- A crater-ful of Grounders

Say What:

Clarke, when Bellamy finally checks in over the radio:

"Bellamy, you're late. Every three hours means every three hours."

"Are you through?"

Enemistry, ladies and gentlemen!

Malfoy, when a dude tries to stop him for handing the canteen to Emori:

"Touch me again, and I'll end you... in a non-criminal way."

That's it, I've 100% forgiven this dude.

Bellamy to Clarke, before she leaves for Tondc:

"Okay, be safe too."

"I will."

Look, us shippers gotta take what we can get, okay?

Burning Questions:

- This is the big one, obviously: did Clarke have a choice? Was there another, better option?

- Did her decision to leave Tondc to certain destruction totally change your opinion of Clarke? Is she still a badass leader, or a terrible one? All I know is, the writers were NOT messing around when they titled this episode.

- And was Lexa right in thinking that protecting Bellamy was worth the deaths of so many Grounders? (That's a rhetorical question, because Bellamy.)

- Did anyone else notice how Jaha keeps calling Malfoy by his first name (John)? Feels like a transformative device for that character. Which begs another question: Do we have to stop calling Malfoy Malfoy?

- How in the HELL is Clarke going to explain herself to Raven and Bellamy, who both know that she went to Tondc to warn everyone about the missile?! I fear that this throws a HUGE wrench in our Bellarke shipping, you guys. I mean, she LEFT BELLAMY'S SISTER TO DIE. That... won't go over well.

- What kind of a doctor doesn't take her own cure?!!!!!!! I mean, you can't tell me that bitch was selfless and wanted everyone else to have it first.

GAH, we have SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT. Get your asses to the comment section, Sky People.

Shameless Self-Promotion: You know we've got #Bellarke shirts, right?

BOOK REPORT for The Sculptor by Scott McCloud

Cover Story: I Made You Out of…Brick?
BFF Charm: Sassy Gay Friend
Swoonworthy Scale: 5
Talky Talk: Straight Up
Arty Art: Drained and Detailed
Bonus Factors: Deal With the Devil, Superpowers
Relationship Status: Certain Heartbreak

Cover Story: I Made You Out of…Brick?

Why is this guy hugging a girl made out of brick, what crazypants sort of graphic novel is this?, you wonder – which is exactly the sort of cover that will pull you in and make you pick the book up off the shelf.

The Deal:

David Smith is a sculptor and in his eyes, a failure. He can’t pay rent, no one understands his art, his family is dead, and he’s driving all of his friends away. What would he give to be able to sculpt anything – anything at all – with his bare hands and show everyone what he’s made of? Thanks to a deal with the devil, he gets to do just that – until his certain death 200 days later.

There are only two problems now: he doesn’t know what to sculpt, and he meets the love of his life.

Clocking in at 490 pages and over 2 pounds (yes, I weighed it), this graphic novel is epic in scope and size. (To get an idea of how big it is, check out the February TBR video.)

BFF Charm: Sassy Gay Friend

David is in SERIOUS need of Sassy Gay Friend’s “look at your life, look at your choices” spiel. (Ironically, he sort of has one, but the message doesn’t really get through.) You can’t discount his battle with depression and failure, of course, yet he still treats everyone around him like crap and makes terrible decisions.

This doesn’t discount the beauty and craftsmanship of the book, however. David’s depression and desperation are what causes him to make the deal with death; a more well-adjusted person would likely not go to such great lengths. He might not get my BFF charm, but I read the hell out of his story.

Swoonworthy Scale: 5

David definitely has a touch of the Nice Guy ™ syndrome, along with a healthy dose of seeing his new lady love as a manic pixie dream girl. When the outer layers are stripped away, there are a few really lovely moments.

Talky Talk: Straight Up

David might be an artist, but his language is as solid as his sculptures. He’s blunt and straightforward, whether he’s talking about how he feels like a failure, how he wishes he could make an impact on the art world, or how much he loves a lady.

Arty Art: Drained and Detailed

The illustrations in The Sculptor are often detailed and gorgeous (especially a few large, sweeping frames at the very end of the story), but the entire book is in a bluish greyscale. This had the effect of emphasizing David’s angst and depression. Even the happiest scenes in the book are drained of color, casting a foreboding shadow over the rest of the book.

Bonus Factor: Deal With the Devil

I’m such a sucker for any book that features making a deal with the devil (or in this case, death). You KNOW it’s not going to turn out well, but they do it anyway!

Bonus Factor: Superpowers

The ability to sculpt anything (ANYTHING) with your bare hands is a pretty sweet superpower.

Casting Call:

Darren Criss as David Smith

Jennifer Lawrence as Meg

Relationship Status: Certain Heartbreak

Oh book, I like-like you, but you just had to go break my heart. I knew going in that this wasn’t going to end well, but at least the way you did it was downright beautiful.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a free review copy from First Second Books. I received neither money nor a pet unicorn for writing this review, despite how hard I wished for one.  The Sculptor is available now.

The magical realism of Ransom Riggs’ Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children series is unique, and the found photos that are peppered between the pages are equal parts intriguing and creepy. To celebrate the release of the paperback version of Hollow City, we’re giving one away!

There’s something special about this release, however: Inside the paperback is an exclusive excerpt of and a sneak peek of some photos that will be in the third book of the series—Library of Souls, which releases this fall—and a Q&A with Riggs.

Here’s the official word:

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children was the surprise best seller of 2011—an unprecedented mix of YA fantasy and vintage photography that enthralled readers and critics alike. Publishers Weekly called it “an enjoyable, eccentric read, distinguished by well-developed characters, a believable Welsh setting, and some very creepy monsters.”

This second novel begins in 1940, immediately after the first book ended. Having escaped Miss Peregrine’s island by the skin of their teeth, Jacob and his new friends must journey to London, the peculiar capital of the world. Along the way, they encounter new allies, a menagerie of peculiar animals, and other unexpected surprises.

Complete with dozens of newly discovered (and thoroughly mesmerizing) vintage photographs, this new adventure will delight readers of all ages.

Want to win a paperback copy of Hollow City? Leave a comment below with what kind of peculiar animal you’d love to own (e.g., a talking dog, a hippogriff, a half-giraffe/half unicorn—get creative!). We’ll pick a winner at random Feb. 19. Per the publisher: U.S. and Canada only, please.

There comes a time in every reader’s life during which they begin to worry about a certain character. (Except if you’re a George R.R. Martin fan, because then you’re just worried about everyone all of the time.)

For fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s The Raven Cycle, there’s been an undercurrent of tension surrounding a certain Richard Gansey III from the very first chapter of The Raven Boys, and that undercurrent is turning into a deluge as the release of The Raven King (the fourth and final—*sob*—book in the series) nears.

But we will not go down with a whimper. Nay! We shall show on which side of the divide we stand with the latest design in the FYA Store:

Be sure to check out the other designs in the FYA Store, too! Particularly—if you’re in the Raven Cycle mood—our NYCFYA-inspired That’s So Raven design.

BOOK REPORT for Dumb Witness by Agatha Christie

Cover Story: What About Bob?
BFF Charm: Yay!
Swoonworthy Scale: 0
Talky Talk: Sit Up And Pay Attention
Bonus Factors: Cocktails!
Relationship Status: Together Forever

Cover Story: What About Bob?

It's all about Bob the dog, obviously, you guys. Christie even writes some parts of the novel from his perspective! Of course he's going to grace the cover of this book, why shouldn't he?

The Deal:

Our intrepid detective gets a letter in the mail from an elderly woman, Miss Emily Arundell, dated several weeks before. Without saying much of anything substantive, Poirot's interests are piqued and he goes to investigate. Unfortunately, the woman is already dead-- and has been for a while. Her companion/ housekeeper has inherited the entire estate, leaving the extended family, and Miss Arundell's dog Bob, confused, angry, and financially much poorer. Poirot can't leave any mystery alone, and of course begins his investigation immediately, even though his client is deceased.

BFF Charm: Yay!

This book revolves heavily around the small dog Bob, who is smart and cute, so that's a huge bonus. Although Bob was blamed for a past accident of leaving a toy at the top of the stairs, nearly killing his mistress, Poirot proves that this was false (Bob was framed!). I love the end of the book too, when Bob finds a new home. Basically adding in a dog to a Poirot mystery makes everything that much better, don't you agree?

Swoonworthy Scale: 0

Nope, no swoon here. There are unhappily-married women, unhappily-engaged women, and dead spinsters, and that's about it.

Talky Talk: Sit Up And Pay Attention

I did not guess the end of this novel, although I thought I was close. Christie manages to surprise with this story yet again, although of course all the clues are there for us to see if we pay attention.

Bonus Factor: Cocktails!

In honor of Bob the dog, this month we are making up the refreshing stand-by, the Salty Dog. Here's what you need to make your own so you can sip along at home while you read:

2 1/2 oz. Fresh grapefruit juice

1 1/4 oz. Gin

(optional) Salt for your glass rim

Ice

Moisten the edge of your glass and dip it in your salted plate or paper towel. Next, shake the remaining ingredients before pouring into your glass. It's definitely grapefruit season here in Texas, so enjoy this drink during the winter months!

Relationship Status: Together Forever

This is another little gem of a book that I missed years ago when I went on a Christie binge-read. I enjoyed it now, and I'm sure I will enjoy it again in the future!

I love me some Mean Girls, there are times when I worry about how much I dig Regina George. She's a bully, but she's also kind of... awesome? And while the message of the film is still an important one, its impact is softened by Tina Fey's hilarious script.

That's not to say that I would change a thing about Mean Girls, because PERFECTION, but since bullying is very much a serious problem for adolescents, it seems important to have films that explore this topic on a more realistic level. And that's why the trailer for A Girl Like Her caught my eye:

Intrigued? Here's the scoop on the film:

At some point, everyone has been the victim of that mean girl. In every high school, there’s at least one. The new movie A Girl Like Her gives a striking, authentic perspective on what it’s like to survive in an American high school, and what it’s like to deal with the relentless harassment of that person you thought was your friend.

Using documentary-style filmmaking that gives the movie a ripped-from-real-life dynamic, A Girl Like Her is a movie Teen Vogue called: “The most honest movie about teen girls ever..."

Starring Lexi Ainsworth (General Hospital), Jimmy Bennett, and Emmy winner Hunter King (The Young and the Restless), A Girl Like Her hits theaters March 27th.

Valentine's Day is nearly upon us -- and so is the big-screen adaptation of Kody Keplinger's The DUFF (February 20th)! And what way to celebrate both than with some The DUFF themed Valentine's Day cards? (Click each image to enlarge.)

Plus, sharing these Valentines could score you some sweet screening tickets for The DUFF, too! For a chance to attend one of the screenings below (all February 17th):

1) send a The DUFF Valentine to a friend,
2) tag one of FYA's accounts, and
3) add the hashtag #BeMyDUFF

Atlanta, GA

Charlotte, NC

Nashville, TN

Raleigh, NC

Forever Young Adult

Twitter (@4everYA)
Facebook
Instagram (@forever_young_adult)
Tumblr (@officialfya)

The DUFF

Twitter (@TheDUFF)
Facebook
Instagram (@TheDUFFMovie)
Tumblr (@TheDUFFMovie)

How many of you are going to see Fifty Shades tonight? (Related: I'll see you back here tomorrow for a drinking game.)

Book Related Things

Book plots in 140 emojis or less!

Valentine gifts for book nerds.

Poets write the best love letters.

Judy Blume, queen of the internet.

Teenage Jane Austen wrote funny stories for her family.

Movie Related Things

The number of times whips, chains, blindfolds, and other things appear in 50 Shades of Grey.

This Jamie Dornan cake will haunt your dreams.

Surprise, the 50SOG sequels were greenlit.

The greatest 50SOG review ever. The first line alone made me laugh out loud.

Jamie Dornan and Jimmy Fallon do 50SOG in accents.

50 Shades of Buscemi.

And someone is suing E.L. James for ineffective 50SOG sex gel. Wow, I actually typed that sentence.

Universal hired Lauren Oliver to adapt the big screen version of Panic.

There will be a Neighbors 2. Come for the abs, stay for...well, the abs.

Ryan Gosling may join the cast of Emma Watson's Beauty and the Beast.

Hunger Games prequels? I guess there will be a lot of dead kids and Haymitch drinking.

Samuel L. Jackson joined the cast of Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. (And don't miss our Hollow City giveaway!)

Every Snape scene, in chronological order. ALWAYS.

Romantic movie gestures that are actually creepy. THANK YOU FOR STANDING UP TO THE TYRANNY OF LOVE, ACTUALLY AND SAY ANYTHING.

Mean Girls and fine art.

Fashion designers take on Cinderella's glass slipper.

The first Aloha trailer.

Emma Watson and Ethan Hawke in a cult movie. I mean, a movie about a cult.

TV Related Things

24 romantic TV episodes you can watch on Netflix!

Coach Taylor has a new show.

Feminist Jamie Fraser. Also, new Outlander trailer.

Laverne Cox will guest star on The Mindy Project. She also got her own legal drama.

A definitive ranking of Veronica Mars characters.

Miscellaneous Things

Gillian Anderson on feminism, knocking it out of the park.

Hot dudes reading. Life is good.

Chris Pratt makes good on his Superbowl bet with Chris Evans.

Greatest t-shirt ever. I need one. Kind of NSFW (language).

Four previously unreleased Spice Girls songs.

Sexy ballet dancer + Hozier = yay.

That's it for this week! Did we miss anything? Will my liver survive what is sure to be the movie event of the season? 

Previously on Reign: Mary was warned The Duke of Guise is a dangerous man. Mary is aware that Conde has a thing for her. Narcisse helped Catherine figure out that King Henry’s bible was poisoned. King Antoine thinks Bash killed their brother. Mary had to banish Greer because her husband accidentally funded the attack on the castle.

Welcome to the most love triangles ever to appear in a television show that doesn’t feature vampires. Let's see how many of them survive the episode!

The Intrigue:

- Mary and her ladies are playing in the snow, sledding, and drinking hot chocolate. Like typical teenagers. Mary looks on a little jealously as Conde plays the solicitous suitor with Lola. When he asks her permission to take Lola to visit his estate, she pretends to be pleased. Antoine is still inappropriately flirting with Kenna. Bash catches this and tells Antoine to keep his hands off Bash’s wife, which somehow embarrasses Kenna. Then she storms off in a snit because Bash is always working too much to play with her. Like, that is her for real grudge.

Nobody has a stronger headgear game. Nobody.

- Conde drags Antoine off to lecture him about trying to ruin Bash’s marriage, and tells him to, you know, go home to his wife. Antoine reveals his wife is dying, and that’s why he seeks distraction elsewhere. But Conde knows this is really about getting revenge on Bash for supposedly murdering their brother. Conde tells him that he risks both their lives by going after the king’s brother.

How many fake animals do we think had to die to costume this one scene?

- The Duke of Guise comes back to the castle, expecting to be the king’s magistrate again, despite the fact that he turned tail and ran the second the plague came. Mary isn’t at all thrilled to have him back. He warns her that the Bourbon brothers are a threat to the throne and he’s surprised Catherine hasn’t already had them killed.

- At a family dinner, Catherine reveals that she wasn’t ill with syphilis (pity, because it was amusing) but actually poisoned. Narcisse (whom she refers to as Stefan!) waits upon her hand and foot while she recounts the tale. Francis wants him to stop doting on Catherine, but she insists he’s been a help to her. They determine that the poisoning is why Henry went mad and did horrible things, and they must figure out who’s responsible for the poisoning. So Catherine can destroy them “and make them weep tears of blood.” It’s nice that she’s feeling better.

- The Duke of Guise confesses to Catherine that he’s not really back to seek his old post, but that he’s arrived to court her now that she’s no longer in mourning. He blathers on about empire building, and her eyes glaze over like he’s reading her erotica.

- Lola and Kenna go in secret to find Greer at the village inn where they’ve heard she’s staying. Apparently, Greer has made no plans for what she’s going to do, but she has been getting drunk regularly. So, it’s not like she’s been completely wasting her time. Lola gives Greer some money to get by. But Greer refuses to go back to Scotland. She thinks she could find work as a lady’s companion, due to her noble birth. This conversation is had, while her neighbor goes about a different sort of work. Greer goes to quiet her down. “Excuse me, I have to speak to the whore next door.”

- Bash offered a reward to find out information about a valet they believe had the access to poison Henry, and he’s discovered that the valet had hidden ties to Conde. Mary objects to them treating Conde with suspicion, when he’s displayed nothing but loyalty to them. Francis needs her to keep Conde at the castle, preventing his trip with Lola, while they keep digging to find out if Conde is really guilty. 

- Narcisse is disappointed to learn that Catherine is being courted by the Duke of Guise. He assumed she was “done with all that.” But, of course, he was hoping to have his own shot at her. But she can’t forget his blackmailing of Francis and the resulting calamities. “Don’t argue with me. Make it up to me and my son.” Catherine tells Narcisse that if he pursues the lead he has on who might have poisoned Henry, then possibly they could talk about their future.

- Mary tells Conde that she wants him to stay at the castle for a party, a thank you dinner for him, and he’s understandably skeptical. Conde tells her that he knows she and Francis no longer share a bed and he wants to know if there’s nothing left there to save. He’s courting her friend because she asked him to, but he’d like her to be honest for once, if that’s not really what she wants. He’s intensely hot during all of this. And it forces Mary to admit that she doesn’t want him to court Lola. But for some reason, they don’t make out, even with me screaming at my TV for them to do so.

- Francis warns Lola that Conde is possibly a traitor. She says they were just barely getting to know each other, but that if he’s a traitor, she wants nothing to do with him. Lola tells him she was seeing Conde for Mary and Francis. She tells him she knows that he’s been avoiding her. He admits it was because of the time that Mary saw them asleep together, and he’s just been trying to spare Mary more pain. Lola understands, and tells him she thinks of him as family.

- Antoine continues to be completely inappropriate to Kenna, to the point that she tells him he’s making her uncomfortable, which he claims was never his intention. Oh, so he’s just creepy by accident? Good to know.

- The Duke of Guise runs into Narcisse and rubs it in, about Narcisse having lost everything. The Duke tells Narcisse that his friendship with Catherine won’t be continuing. When Catherine joins them, Narcisse finds out she and the Duke will be meeting in the greenhouse after dinner. “I had sex in that greenhouse once. It’s a lovely venue.” Narcisse really knows how to bring the awkward. But Catherine looks intrigued.

- Mary is donning a ridiculous amount of sparkly regalia when Francis comes in and compliments her beauty. She’s not really interested in hearing it from him. She’s angry with him for making her trick Conde into staying, and admits that she called off his courtship with Lola. He tells her that he had a similar conversation with Lola. Not quite that similar, Francis. He realizes that she let Conde think it was because she has feelings for him. Bash tells them the valet they were seeking was killed in Conde’s region shortly after leaving court. Francis decides they have to confront the Bourbon brothers directly, and if Conde’s guilty, he’ll have to be beheaded.

Poor Francis. It's not his fault he's no Hot Cousin Louis.

- Francis plops the bible down in front of Conde and asks him to open it and read a passage. Conde appears confused, Antoine a little less so. Francis tells him that it was read by his father, and his mother after him, and that it was poisoned by a valet. Conde swears that he had nothing to do with it. For some reason, nobody suspects Antoine. Francis tells Conde that he doesn’t believe him. Then Catherine interrupts with evidence that Narcisse has received, pointing to the Duke of Guise as the one who paid the valet to poison Henry. How strangely convenient for Narcisse. Conde is tearfully angry at how he’s been treated, after the friendship he’s offered them. He then accuses Bash of having stabbed their brother in the back like a coward, and leaves the room. Bash admits he killed a man during the Italian wars, on orders from Henry, who told him the man was a traitor to France. He had no idea the man was a Bourbon, he just did as he was told. He’s genuinely remorseful. Antoine forgives Bash for the sake of peace between their two nations. He claims Conde will do the same. Francis wants the Duke of Guise arrested, but Catherine says there’s no need, because the Duke will never cause anyone harm again.

- The Duke’s carriage is stopped on the dark road. When the Duke gets out, he’s shot by numerous arrows and left for dead. No one is surprised.

- Poor Greer is drinking stout for dinner again, because she doesn’t have enough money for food at the inn. She’s propositioned by a nice man in the inn common room who just wants to run his fingers through her hair. She lectures him about his behavior, but is understanding about the confusion. She offers to arrange the services of her next door neighbor. Uh, Greer. I don't know if pimping is something you really want to add to your resumé.

- Mary finds Conde sulking on a balcony. Poor Hot Cousin Louis is so upset that Mary lied to him, misled him, and humiliated him, despite knowing that he’s in love with her. She’s upset that he doesn’t understand that she had no choice. It’s all very angsty.

- Conde admits to Antoine that he revealed their Bash hand to save Antoine from seeking revenge. Because if anything happens to Bash now, they’re the first two that fall under suspicion. But Antoine says he’ll just let Bash live and find another way to make him suffer. Ugh, seriously, Antoine? Find a hobby.

- Greer is interviewing to be a lady’s companion for a Hungarian countess when Charlene, her next door neighbor from the inn busts in, because the john Greer sent her way, drugged her and cut off her hair. For some reason, the Hungarian countess is now no longer interested in hiring Greer.

- Mary is writing a letter to her mother, to inform her of the Duke’s fate. Francis wishes they’d known about the poison sooner, so that Mary could have been spared all this. He siggests that maybe they can still salvage the match between Conde and Lola. But Mary thinks they should step back, instead of trying to force other people’s hearts. Francis says he can’t move on to another, as she told him to, because his heart is closed to anyone but her.

- Antoine meets with Narcisse, to pay him for setting up the Duke of Guise to take the fall for the poisoning that was actually perpetrated by Antoine. What a shocking turn of events, said no one who’s ever seen this show. And now we have this scary bit of unholy alliance.

- Charlene gives Greer her cut of their transaction, which Greer protests, but at least she finally gets a hot meal that’s not cheap ale. Madam Greer is a fantastic turn of events.

- Conde finally figures out his brother was behind the poisoning. Conde is angry that he stood before their king and queen and claimed they were innocent. Conde tells Antoine that he’ll never trust him again. Antoine is of the opinion that Henry got what he deserved.

- Kenna finds her candlelit chamber filled with strawberry covered desserts, like the strawberries and snow she was rhapsodizing about earlier to Antoine. The poor simpleton probably assumes it’s from her husband.

- Francis goes to find Lola reading in the nursery, and tells her that he’s missed their friendship too, and would like them to be close again. As they hover over their son’s cradle, it’s all a little more intimate than “friends”.

- Mary seeks out Conde on his sulking balcony in the snow. She tells him that she owed him the truth, that she didn’t want him to be with another. But that she is Francis’ wife and she would never do anything to betray that, and she has nothing to offer Conde. He notices that she doesn’t say anything of her heart, and tells her he’s fighting his instincts every day, but that he’s aware of nothing but her. She tells him “You will be the death of me, and I of you.” AND THEN I DIED OF THE SWOON. R.I.P me.

History According to Reign:

Poor Greer. Ladies of that time would never stay alone in an inn unchaperoned, unless they shared a profession with her neighbor, Charlene. So it’s no wonder the assumptions that were made.

The Duke of Guise was assassinated, but not until 1588, and it was on the orders of King Henry III, Francis’ younger brother. So, even in real life, nobody liked that dude.

Final Thoughts:

“Find a hobby or a whore.” Conde’s advice to his brother is just plain good advice to everyone.

“Did you think that just because you don’t entertain women my age, that no other men do?” I heart Catherine so much.

OMG, why won’t Mary and Conde just make out already?!

Ugh, Francis and Lola.

Next week:

Mary is tired of pretending to be a wife when she isn’t. Francis is upset that she insists she cannot be with him. Mary tells Conde that Francis knows about their feelings and has forbidden them to be together. Mary’s awful mother returns, and reminds Lola what part she played in Mary’s ruined marriage.

If you're not also dead of the swoon, join me in the comments. We can commiserate over our televisions never listening when we yell for people to make out.

Previously on The Vampire Diaries - Jeremy finally has an exit strategy, Enzo has a boring revenge plotline and Liz Forbes is dying of cancer.

Well that was particularly devastating. If you told me five years ago that out of all the deaths on this show that Sheriff Liz Forbes would be the one to totally undo me I would’ve told you to go home and sober up. But here we are.

Let’s talk show!

-Elena and Damon have to convince Jeremy’s principal into letting him graduate early so he can go to art school (and leave the show). Damon knows when to stop beating a dead horse and eventually compels Principal StuffyPants into giving up the goods.

-Flashback to the night that The Gilberts died in a car accident with Sheriff Forbes on the scene. Present-day Liz has a box of Open Cases that she wants to finish so she can get some closure in her final days. Damon reminds us all what a true friend he can be and agrees to help Liz, even when it means having to confess to half of the unsolved crimes. HILARITY. Liz is convinced that there’s something fishy about the circumstances of That Night, including a packed trunk of luggage, an alternate route taken and a phone call from Elena’s mom two hours prior. Liz and Damon are on the case!

-In true Caroline fashion she is trying to make the best of (ie, control) the situation and has decided her mom should live out her final days at their cabin reading all the classic novels she never had time for pre-cancer. God help the person who shoves a copy of Moby Dick in my hands during my final days on this Earth. Stefan is in Super Supportive Mode and we all get a glimpse of him in Sleeveless Handyman mode. OH MY. Caroline finds her childhood bike and shares with Stefan her memories of her mom teaching her how to ride. Awww.

-Elena busts Jeremy with his Going Away doobie that Damon slipped him and they decide to smoke up together, reminiscing and bonding as only siblings can. As Elena leaves to go and answer some questions from Detectives Liz and Damon, Jeremy is waylaid by Enzo who’s all “Surprise! I bet you thought I was dead!”. Dude, if you prevent this kid from leaving this show Mystic Falls, we are going to have WORDS.

-Sarah Salvatore has been hired by The Grille to take photos for their website (with a little help from Enzo) and Matt is truly pleased to see her, probably because she’s LUMINOUSLY gorgeous. Seriously, this actress deserves better than this tired plotline. I hope there’s a twist, and SOON. Enzo has Jeremy held hostage (by stepping on his face, no less) and so Matt is forced to take Sarah to an agreed-upon tunnel under the guise of taking photos of graffiti. Enzo PLOWS through Matt with his car at top speed and then hobbles back as a Concerned Citizen, vamping out in front of Sarah in order to heal Matt. Have I mentioned how much I hate this plotline? Enzo would be much better served as One of The Gang instead of this Vengeful Loner rubbish.

-Caroline is investing WAY too much thought into what book could perhaps be her mother’s last and Stefan volunteers to take over Library Duty. Caroline is peeved that her mom is still at the office working on cold cases and Stefan finally breaks it down for her that the last book that her mom will read is a small, unimportant detail over the vastness of her life. Caroline confesses to knowing that her mom asked him to look after her and just wants him to know that she’s ok with it. There is much glorious light in the background from the setting sun and we finally get our first Stefan-Caroline kiss, full of sweetness and vulnerability. Heart emojis explode from my eyes.

Images courtesy of dracherys.tumblr.com

-Elena gets one final chance to be the Concerned Big Sister when she sees Jeremy icing his face. She’s pissed that Enzo is back. (Me too, girl, although it pains me to say it.) She asks him about the night their parents died and he clears up the mysterious phone call; turns out his mom was trying to scare him straight with a call to the sheriff after catching him getting high.

-Elena relays this info to Damon, who tells a still-unconvinced Liz. The pieces start to come together as they realize that the luggage was due to a surprise weekend at the cabin and the alternate route was due to a storm taking out some roads. You can almost hear Liz’s heart sink when she realizes that their deaths weren’t the result of the supernatural, and that her time is also swiftly coming to an end. She’s too exhausted to go out to the cabin and Damon offers to take her home. From the opening scene of this episode we know that we are going to be saying goodbye to Liz. Watching her accept her own mortality, that her life is truly done with the closing of her office door and the weariness we see settling into her very bones pulled at my heart so fiercely I thought it might snap in half.

-Alaric “takes Jeremy to the airport”, and by that I mean that he drives him to a bus stop, hands him a bag of weapons and tells him that he’ll be sending him more leads soon. Jeremy isn’t going to art school; he’s found his calling as a Hunter, only he doesn’t want Elena to worry so he and Alaric have concocted this plan. As much as I never cared for Jeremy I find myself glad that he’s living the life that he wants on his own terms.

Make sure you check Yelp for a decent barber when you arrive. For reasons. #strugglehair 

-Damon takes Liz home and helps her get into bed. I’m suddenly struck by the very real friendship these two have, and how Damon has lost his fair share of besties. He tells Liz how he lost his mother to consumption and that he wrote her eulogy only to find himself unable to even attend her funeral. Liz offers him the chance to write hers and you can tell it means the world to him. He leaves her side to get her a drink only to find that she’s slipped into unconsciousness.

-Caroline arrives at the hospital, completely frantic and racked with guilt at not being there for her mother’s final lucid moments. Stefan eases her panic by showing her how to walk through her mother’s thoughts and we see a terrified little Caroline being shown how to ride her bike by her mom. Liz promises not to let go of her bike until Caroline is ready and at this point I can’t even see the screen because my glasses are fogging up from my tears. There’s a beautiful shot of Caroline crying over her mother, surrounded by Elena, Stefan, Damon and Matt, and then Liz’s heart monitor is shut off.

Thoughts:

- “Somehow we’ll all find a way to move on without you, Jeremy. Oh hey - just did!” Damon gets me.

-”This one is me. Me. Also me. Ooooohhh, this one is Stefan. Oh wait, nope, me.” Damon Salvatore, Comic Relief.

-Damon gives Jeremy a going-away joint and all I can wonder is, Who is Damon’s weed man?

-Damon accusing Liz of being a bad sheriff because she keeps a stash of booze in her desk. “No, I’m a terrible sheriff because one of my best friends is the perp in half my open cases.” LOLZ.

-Jeremy asking Elena for her car. Dude, she just compelled you a high school diploma! Little brothers. So ungrateful.

- “Life isn’t about your final moments; it’s about the moments that led up to them.” Stefan gets all of the heart emojis this week.

-“I won’t let go until you’re ready.” MY HEART CAN NOT TAKE IT.

-Liz Forbes dying - devastating or RIDICULOUSLY devastating?

WHEW. That was a lot of emotion to process! How are you guys doing? Did Stefan and Caroline’s kiss at least put a balm on the raw, painful wound of Liz dying? Did anyone else throw a bit of confetti in the air when Jeremy got on that bus?

Also, did y’all know that Paul Wesley directed (and co-stars) in a wonderful film by the name of Amira & Sam? You can win a personalized voicemail greeting from Mr. Wesley simply by submitting a selfie of you watching Amira & Sam on Video On Demand! Details of how to watch are here!

BOOK REPORT for City of Savages by Lee Kelly

Cover Story: Boring Shades of Grey
BFF Charm: Yay x 2
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: Straight Up With a Shot of Adrenaline
Bonus Factors: Post-Apocalyptic New York City, Sisters
Relationship Status: Hot Date

Cover Story: Boring Shades of Grey

If I were to judge this book by its cover, here's what I would surmise about the story:

- It takes place in NYC. (True)
- It takes place in the winter. (True)
- It's about a war and people dying. (True)
- There's lots of dead trees. (False)

Aaaand that's about it. Nothing about the cannibals in the subways or the bombed out buildings or the death matches or ANYTHING INTERESTING ABOUT THE BOOK.

The Deal:

Sky and her younger sister Phee live with their mother Sarah in New York City. Except it's not the Big Apple as we know it. Pulverized by the Red Allies' bombs during the third world war, the city is a hollow shell of its former self, and years later, the few survivors remain trapped in Manhattan as prisoners of the enemy. It's a bleak existence, but it's all Phee and Sky have ever known, and Sarah takes great care to give them freedom-- holing up in an old Wall Street apartment, hunting for food and scavenging for books and other forgotten treasures.

Now that winter is coming (Game of Thrones reference unintended), the trio must travel to Central Park to participate in the P.O.W. census and gain safe lodging under the roof of Rolladin, the tough as nails warden. But a slight accident on their journey sets off a chain of events that expose Phee and Sky to terrible truths about their world, which is about to come crashing down. HARD. REAL HARD.

BFF Charm: Yay x 2

The book begins from Phee's point of view, and right away, I was sold. Yes, she's young and impulsive, but she's also bold and dynamic, and I had a blast walking in her badass shoes.

Phee gets a charm because I admire her, and Sky gets a charm because I am her. Or, at least, we're very similar. She's a bookworm, not a fighter, but that doesn't make her a pansy. When push comes to shove*, Sky flexes her (brain) muscles and fights back, revealing a hidden reservoir of strength.

*Even though Sky faces certain death several times, the scenario that pained me the most was when she was forced to give up one of her precious books. That's some Sophie's Choice shizz right there.

Swoonworthy Scale: 6

In the midst of their brutal adventure, Phee and Sky encounter Ryder, a British boy who has recently landed in Manhattan with several other explorers. Naturally, they both fall for him, because BRITISH BOY. He's a total dream: smart, smokin' hot and sensitive. Sparks definitely fly with a certain sister, but overall, there's not much K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Probably because there's so much D-Y-I-N-G.

Talky Talk: Straight Up With a Shot of Adrenaline

If you're a 100 junkie like me, this book's mixture of action and emotion is a good fix. Lee Kelly doesn't mince words, but she takes the time to establish a compelling backstory so that the moments of violence really pack a punch. With nimble dialogue and vigorous pacing, City of Savages is primed for devouring, and even a few obvious twists won't hinder you from swallowing this story whole.

Bonus Factor: Post-Apocalyptic New York City

The NYC in this book is much like the setting of I Am Legend, except instead of zombies, there's cannibals in the subways and psycho warlords and "holdouts," i.e. humans who have gone rogue and a little insane in the membrane. In other words, it's super rad.

Bonus Factor: Sisters

Phee and Sky's relationship is the central focus of the novel, and as they alternate between fierce love and petty squabbling, a connection emerges that feels incredibly genuine and powerful. What I'm saying is, reading this book made me wish I had a sister. (Even if she drove me crazy from time to time.)

Casting Call:

Maisie Williams as Phee

Sophie Turner as Sky

See what I did there? (Game of Thrones reference intended.)

Jeremy Irvine as Ryder

Bob Morley as Sam

Sam is Ryder's snarky older brother. What can I say, I've got Bellamy on the brain.

Relationship Status: Hot Date

Book, when you said you'd take me out, you weren't kidding. Our time together was a whirlwind of excitement, and while some of your plans failed to surprise me, there was never a dull moment between us. Sure, you didn't leave a lasting impression, but it's not like either of us was looking for something serious*, and thanks to your thrilling personality and thirst for danger, I certainly got my kicks.

*Being a stand-alone only makes you sexier.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a review copy of this book from Saga Press. I received neither cocktails nor money in exchange for this review. City of Savages is available now.

Y’all know what tomorrow is, right? One of the biggest days of the year: On Feb. 14, 1859, Oregon was admitted as the 33rd state in the union. My home state is celebrating its 156th birthday, y’all*!

*This word is not something I grew up saying, just to clarify.

It’s also—in case you hadn’t noticed the displays in pretty much every store that went up the day after Christmas (sometimes the week before)—Valentine’s Day! To help you celebrate, FYA put on their heart-shaped thinking caps and came up with some fun, cheeky, and occasionally a little risque Valentines for you to share with your friends and loved ones based on some of our favorite books, movies and TV shows.

All because we love you so!

Books

Anna and the French Kiss/Lola and the Boy Next Door/Isla and the Happily Ever After

Jellicoe Road

The Raven Cycle

Movies

Magic Mike XXL

Pitch Perfect 2

TV

The 100

Arrow

The Flash

Jane the Virgin

The O.C.

Orphan Black

Outlander

Parks and Rec

Pretty Little Liars

Supernatural

Pssst: Check out our Valentines from last year for even more love to share.

Happy Valentine's Day! At FYA, there's nothing we won't do for you, including incur liver damage while watching Fifty Shades of Grey brought to life. And because anything worth doing is worth doing right*, correspondents from both Austin and San Francisco worked on providing you with the hard-hitting journalism that you so richly deserve.

* I begged my book club to go with me. I could not face this alone.

We watched it so that you don't have to -- but in case you decide to do a little hate-watching of your own, there's also a drinking game.

Like any good reporters, we came prepared with the proper tools.

A flask, for drinking. A tie, for strangling oneself if necessary. 

Kandis and Kristin got ties from the Alamo Drafthouse: clever marketing, existential eject button, or both?

A notepad, because we wouldn't want to forget a thing. Caution: leave drunk-writing in the dark to the professionals.

The Movie

Jennie: The San Francisco contingent agrees with Austin: the movie itself actually wasn't as bad as we expected, although it was in no way, shape, or form sexy. Dakota Johnson's nipples are the uncredited third and fourth stars of the movie; I saw them so often I felt that we were old war comrades. There were an absurd amount of nipple close-ups, to the point where I was pretty sure they contained the wizened face of a crone. "We're in this together," they seemed to say. Great.

The rumors are all true; Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have all the chemistry of an exhausted mother and the tenth dirty diaper of the day. For his part, Jamie Dornan is the most beautiful sentient piece of cardboard you've ever seen. In the opening scene, featuring a be-hoodied Christian Grey running, the girls behind us said, "This turns me on more than his face will." I guess if you like chiseled men who subscribe to the Joey Tribbiani "I Smelled A Fart" School of Acting, he wasn't bad. (Yes, I know he's supposed to be a good actor in The Fall, but there was no evidence of that here.)

The true injustice of this movie is that people stole Ana's food from her twice, as she was eating it. The entire theater literally gasped, and I knew that I was among my people. Flog your sex partners all you want, but do not mess with a girl's food.

Generally, the movie was stupid but inoffensive until the last sex scene, which Ana clearly did not enjoy. 

Also, we were treated to the trailer for the latest Nicholas Sparks work of staggering genius, called, I shit you not, The Longest Ride. Choice lines included "HIS RIDING DAYS ARE OVER," and "WE COME FROM SUCH DIFFERENT WORLDS." I am probably going to hate-watch the shit out of that when it comes to Netflix.

DRINK OF CHOICE: Tequila.

WAS IT ENOUGH?: No.

Kandis: I had my first drink before I even walked into the theater, since I was expecting an epic train wreck, and the idea of watching the cardboard equivalent of Bella Swan sampling S&M required fortification. Considering everything I'd heard about the books, and the hilarious disaster of a movie press tour, I was really surprised to find the movie wasn't as terrible as I expected. That is possibly the most glowing review they'll receive. Please, feel free to use that on the DVD cover, Universal. I definitely took a sip every time Anastasia said something painfully naive, every time the camera forced me to become far more acquainted with Dakota Johnson's breasts than was necessary, and every time Jamie Dornan did or said something that I was ashamed to find sexy. I have Jamie Dornan issues that would best be worked out in therapy. Okay, so I lost track of how many times I took a drink. I give the movie four wine glasses. Because that's how many drinks it took me to get through it.

DRINK OF CHOICE: White wine.

WAS IT ENOUGH?: No.

The Drinking Game

Take one sip when...

- You think, "Don't do it, girl!"

- Christian looks constipated.

- Ana bites her lip.

 Take two sips when...

- You see a gray tie.

- Ana says something stupid.

- Ana repeats anything Christian says.

Take a shot when...

- Ana gets spanked. One per spanking, if you've conditioned your liver appropriately.

- You become intimately familiar with someone's body hair.

Chug...

- Whenever you hear a shade of gray mentioned (including Steele).

- During the entire contract scene.

- Every time you wish you were drunker.

How much can you expect to drink? Well, we counted 25 instances of constipation-face and 12 bitten lips alone, so make sure you prepare appropriately.

San Francisco survivors.

Did you see it? What did you think? 

Speedy Synopses:

Gotham 1x15: The Scarecrow

Last episode saw the fear-obsessed Gerald Crane escaping the grasp of Jim and Harvey. This week, he upped his game—killing no one new, but using their adrenal glands to create a substance that could rid humans of fear. As they're investigating, Jim and Harvey discover more about Crane, including the fact that he lost his wife in a house fire. They head to the house in question, and find Crane and his son; unfortunately, the elder Crane fights back, and the detectives kill him. It's a little too late for the younger Crane—Jonathan, natch—who was dosed by his father, and now has to live in constant terror of some really poorly CGI-ed scarecrows.

At Wayne Manor, Bruce sets out on a hike, one he apparently used to go on annually with his father. Even though Alfred offers to go with, Bruce has to go alone. When Bruce reaches the spot on the hike that he and his father used to mark with stones each trip, he throws a tantrum ... which results in him crashing down a hill and spraining his ankle. When it gets too late, Alfred goes out to find him, and the two share their own pseudo father-son bonding moment over a campfire and, in the morning, the sunrise.

Fish wakes to find herself in some sort of prison. In nearly no time, she murders the boss in cold blood and takes over the place. (And her hair looks fabulous the entire time, natch.) What the prison is for remains to be seen, but a woman is returned at the end of the episode...missing her eyes.

And Oswald takes over Fish's club, officially, after Don Falcone has a word with Don Marioni. The party's a total bust, but his delivering of the invite to Jim at the precinct gives us an awesome meet-cute between Penguin and Riddler Edward Nygma. (Mandy C.)

Agent Carter 1x6: A Sin To Err

If you're into women beating up men, this week's episode of Agent Carter has it for you in spades! We're in the final stretch of episodes, careening into the penultimate and season finale after this week. Opening the episode on a hunch from Carter that Stark was manipulated by a female Leviathan agent into giving up his goods, we are treated to a good old-fashioned Carter-Jarvis messaround! While the relationship is still fractured, the duo tracks down the last six months worth of women companions (Jarvis - "I suggest we start with the Western Hemisphere"), which leads to a great montage of jilted lovers exacting their open-handed proxy vengeance on Jarvis. Their last lead leads them to an emptied out apartment with scratch marks on the bedpost - the calling card of someone who handcuffs themselves to bed.

Once Chief Dooley is informed by Sousa (whose suspicions are confirmed after interrogating the milk truck driver from episode two), the heat is on Carter. After dispatching an entire group of SSR goons from DC in the diner, Carter and Jarvis are confronted by Thompson (who Carter knocks out), and eventually Sousa, who hesitates and lets Carter go (she needs to run back to the Griffin to fetch Steve Roger's blood before she goes Ghost Protocol). Once Carter is traced back to the Griffin, the men! Get! On! The! Second! Floor! After the SSR agents question Angie about Carter, Angie, Acts! Her! Face! Off! in order to buy Carter some time (who is standing on the balcony outside). While things are almost in the clear, Dottie confronts Carter in the hallway, where she incapacitates Carter with her stolen knock-out lipstick and is arrested by Thompson and Sousa. Only in SSR custody does Dooley acknowledge her strength and agency, to not “go easy on her just ‘cause she’s a girl.”

Meanwhile we learn that the good Dr. Ivchenko, the Russian defector from last week isn't all he's cracked up to be, and is in actuality a Leviathan double in cahoots with Dottie (sniper scope glint to communicate is a cumbersome misdirect). Ivchenko tries to use his power of psychology and his mini-Tibetan singing bowl ring to hypnotize Dooley, but instead gets intel on where the Stark tech is being locked up from one Agent Yauch, who he ends up hypnotizing into killing himself. (Paolo S.)

The Flash 1x13: The Nuclear Man

Last week, Team Flash figured out that Ronnie and Dr. Martin Stein fused into Ronnie's body and, thanks to the Star Labs explosion, turned into Firestorm. This week, they find Ronnie/Martin, and after a short battle with Barry, get him to return with them to Star Labs for further study. Unfortunately, the metahuman transformation isn't stable, and Ronnie/Martin is literally going nuclear. He runs away from Star Labs and gets himself out of town so that when he does blow, he won't take the Central City with him, but Team Flash creates a device—using some of Reverse Flash's tech—that will hopefully split the two consciousnesses. (But where will Martin go?) Barry and Caitlin get the tech to Ronnie/Martin right before he blows. The detonation catches the attention of General Eiling, but whether Ronnie and Martin are OK remains to be seen.

When he's not trying to save Ronnie, Cisco plays part-time cop with Joe, and investigates the scene of Barry's mom's murder. They find a very friendly woman has moved in, which appeals to Joe mightily, and that a mirror that belonged to the Allens caught images of the night in question like photographs, which is more Cisco's speed. They also discover blood hidden under fresh wallpaper (who just wallpapers over blood?) and when Cisco tests it, one sample is from an unknown subject, and the other is from—dun, dun, DUN—adult Barry.

Meanwhile, Iris is being super jealous now that Barry's moved on, and tries to foil his blossoming relationship with Linda. We also learn that when Barry gets excited, Barry gets excited. (Mandy C.)

Arrow 3x13: Canaries

This is the week where (mostly) everybody finds out (mostly) everyone’s secrets. FINALLY. Malcolm convinces Team Arrow that if they are going to beat Ra’s and keep Thea safe they need to have her on their team. Diggle again warns Oliver that he could lose his sister in doing so but Thea’s response to his revelation is loving and full of appreciation for what he does for their city. Her friendship with Roy also continues to strengthen as he shares with her why he does what he does as Arsenal. (If I suddenly found out that my brother and ex were crimefighting besties that would give me ALL of the feelz. I can’t wait til Thea gets her own mannequin.)

Oliver still isn’t supportive of Laurel being on the team; he’s convinced that she’s only doing it so that she doesn’t have to sit with her grief every second of the day. Laurel calls him out on his hypocrisy and is later backed up by the rest of the team on her choice to be there, fighting alongside them. They’re a different team now, each realizing that they are fighting for themselves and their city, not for Oliver and this is proving difficult for him to accept. Diggles puts a nice spin on it, telling him that he should be proud for creating something bigger than himself. Oliver will be a better man and teammate once he learns to relinquish absolute control. Plus the paternalistic shtick is getting MIGHTY OLD.

Laurel is fighting her own demons, still trying to fill Sara’s leather jacket and still struggling with keeping her death from their father. All of this comes to a head while fighting an escaped Dr. Ivo, who shoots her (twice? really?) with Vertigo, and it’s Canary vs. Canary as Laurel hallucinates her dead sister, full of rage and judgment. Back in the Arrow Lair it’s Felicity who helps a recovering Laurel finally see that she doesn’t need to be Sara, she needs to be her own Canary. It’s a wonderful scene between the two of them which helps make up for some of the terrible ones the writers have thrown at Felicity lately. Laurel realizes that she has to tell her father about Sara in order to be able to properly grieve for her and move on. Quentin thinks that she’s struggling to confess to him that she’s the new Canary (he’s taking THAT better than expected) but Laurel finally tells him the full truth and Captain Lance breaks down, lamenting having to grieve his youngest daughter for a second time.

Thea is angry at Merlyn for not telling her that Oliver is the Arrow but acknowledges that she needs further training when she’s almost killed in her own home by Chase the DJ, who, as we all know, has been spying on her for Ra’s. Chase chugs some cyanide and we all exhale a sigh of relief that we no longer have to suffer through this terrible character for another episode. Merlyn’s plan to train Oliver and Thea is to make them both face fear and stare it down, and this apparently means sending them both back to the island. You know, that island where Oliver was stranded for years and currently houses the man who murdered their mother. (Sidenote: Thea’s gear is super cute but not exactly practical; is she wearing ballet flats??)

While the show made some huge emotional strides for several of its characters this week there were also some major loopholes that felt like lazy writing. Dr. Ivo’s escape - that is NOT how prisoners are transferred. It’s ludicrous to think that a convicted felon would be trotted out in public in front of the press with only one guard. Laurel getting shot twice with Vertigo showed us the progress she was making in accepting herself and putting her guilt to rest but it still felt contrived and did nothing to make the viewers see her as capable. And finally, Arsenal and Merlyn just happened to be suited up and outside of Thea’s penthouse? Actually, it wouldn’t surprise me at all to find out that Merlyn has her place bugged, in which case, EW.

Hero of the Week: Laurel Lance, Arrow

I already know how much flack I’m going to get for this. COME AT ME, I AM READY. There is a LOT of Laurel-hate out there and I continue to be flummoxed by it. It’s hard to watch a character have all of their ugly hang out, and Laurel certainly has had that, especially in season two, but it’s part of her humanity. She really is doing all she can just to get from one day to the next without falling off the wagon by breaking out of her comfort zone and carrying her dead sister’s mantle. I can’t conceive of ever doing something so brave, even if it is a bit reckless. She is loyal, smart and won’t ever hesitate to give Oliver Queen a much-needed verbal smackdown. Her fledgling friendship with Felicity is something I treasure seeing develop week after week; she sees why Oliver values her so highly and doesn’t hesitate to tell Felicity how incredible she is. (Can you imagine how painful it would be if we had to see an insecure Laurel dish out passive aggressive BS to Felicity every week?) Laurel made leaps and bounds personally and professionally this week and I keep looking forward to her fully coming into her own as Black Canary.

Villain of the Week: Iris West, The Flash

Ok, so maybe calling Iris a villain is a bit of a stretch. Who I really want to incriminate here are the writers because SERIOUSLY? Are we really ever going to root for Barry to be with a woman who can be this selfish? Girl, you are living with your boyfriend, you need to let Barry get his swerve on! I’m issuing a plea to the writers - please make Iris West into someone we love instead of someone to whom we feel hostile indifference. PLEASE.

Troy Barnes Award for Evoking The Feelz:

images courtesy of colinodonorgasm.tumblr.com

How much did Oliver need to hear this from his sister? Thea has no idea how much of a gift her gratitude is to her brother.

Ab-tastic:

Thank God for SCIENCE. And for the Amell Cousins. 

Right in the Kisser:

Leigh and Jim heated things up a bit with a third date that ended with talk about going back to her place—but that ended abruptly when Leigh revealed that she got a new job ... as the the GCPD Medical Examiner. The office romance is totally amusing to Harvey, but not so much to Jim, who wants to keep things "professional." Leigh's willing to be discrete, but she's still basically going to do what she wants, #becausestrongwoman. (Oh, and did anyone catch that whole "let's go to the circus" bit? Wanna place bets on if said circus is the Flying Graysons?) (Mandy C.)

Not much romance happening this week for our favorite agent, but did anyone else’s heart sink a bit at the look of disappointment on Agent Sousa’s face? He loves Peggy, you guys! And he thinks she’s a dirty double agent. GAH.

Don't lose faith just yet, Agent Sousa!

Barry is completely into Linda and who wouldn’t be? The girl issued a spicy taco challenge. While Barry is a total gentleman (obvs) Linda is ready to move full steam ahead. Naked time ensues! Barry makes all men everywhere look inadequate with his ability to turn into a human vibrator, but that’s still not enough to keep Linda interested after Iris (grr) tells her that Barry is still getting over an unrequited love. Barry proves his affection by chomping on a ghost pepper; how could any girl resist? Meanwhile poor Caitlyn is having to juggle her (supposedly nonexistent) feelings for Ronnie as they try to keep Firestorm from detonating. She’s scared to believe that she could ever really get him back, which is understandable, but their pre-atomic kiss can’t be their last. That would be too cruel.

Now that Thea’s murderous DJ paramour is dead on the floor of her penthouse, perhaps she will and Roy will find their way back to each other? The couple that fights crime together...actually, does that ever work out? We shall see! Felicity continues to huff and puff around Oliver and now I just want her to find a nice, normal boy to kiss and eat nachos with. Olicity came to a head too soon and all of this misery that they are bringing to each other is now just...ugh.

Biff! Bam! Pow!

I will never get tired of watching this gif. (courtesy of hitflix.com)

Comic Pages:

-All the comic couples you can handle in honor of Valentine’s Day. There’s some great artwork here, like this Black Canary/Green Arrow piece by Phil Noto:

-All of the wonderful female DC authors/illustrators I stalk follow on Twitter together at once when they were all together at the annual DC Summit. I may have squeaked just a bit.

-Author Matt Fraction (Hawkeye, Sex Criminals) hates the 50 Shades of Grey sensation so much that he’s donating the proceeds from his Hawkeye merch (until tomorrow) to a charity called Futures Without Violence. His statements on this film that many feel normalize abuse are so right on that it made my fangirl heart go pitter patter.

-Official MarySue interview with David Lopez, illustrator of Captain Marvel.

-My suspicions have been confirmed - Sera of Angela: Asgard’s Assassin is transgender! I love that their relationship is really the heart of the story.

News & Notes:

-Our good pal Meredith over at Badass Digest wrote this fantastic piece on why the writers of Arrow have really let Felicity Smoak down this season. Warning: Hardcore Olicity shippers in the comments. Tread lightly.

-Goddess Adrienne Palicki has been upped to series regular on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.! More Mockingbird will never be a bad thing.

-Word on the street is that Joel Kinnaman is now being eyed to replace Tom Hardy in Suicide Squad.

-Gina Carano has been cast to play a mutant named Angel Dust in Deadpool.

-Hugh Jackman reacts to the news that Spider-Man has been reacquired by Marvel and will now be part of the Marvel movie universe. (Still rooting for Miles Morales instead of yet ANOTHER teen Peter Parker but I have little hope.)

How do you all feel about how our shows are treating their female characters as of late? Come dish with me in the comments! 

Welcome back to our TV Preview series! We’re here to check out TV’s midseason offerings (which we highlighted in our TV Preview: Midseason Shows post) and voice our opinions on what’s good, what’s bad, what’s meh, and what you can avoid at all costs.

Warning! Possible spoilers ahead.

The Slap

Premiered: Feb. 12 on NBC (Watch online.)

Twitter Pitch

Fastest way to release the wrath of a parent? Touch their child. There's no excuse even if the kid is … difficult. #WhoDoesThat?

Familiar Faces (and Voice)

Makenzie Leigh

Victor Garber

Peter Sarsgaard

Thandie Newton

Melissa George

Thomas Sadoski

Brian Cox

Zachary Quinto

Marin Ireland

Uma Thurman

Penn Badgley

Faces That Might Become Familiar (If You Keep Watching)

Khalid Alzouma

Nancy Sun

Dylan Schombing

Owen Tanzer

Armando Batista

Redeeming Qualities

Emily: Finally, something different! It's an all star cast surrounding a fascinating concept. If nothing else, I think the show could generate some interesting conversations. And I don't immediately dislike everyone, which just feels novel in itself for so many of the new shows on right now.

Mandy: The Slap features a spectacular cast. Every time another person showed up for Hector’s party, I found myself thinking, “They’re is in this show, too?!” I’m impressed on that front at the very least.

It's Not Me, It's You

Emily: What's with the voice over? It might be because Jane the Virgin is my favorite new show, but as soon as the vo started, I was super confused about what I was watching and suddenly thought this was going to be a parody of some sort. Not needed. And I'm so not into the "not quite but almost" affair. Why, oh, why do TV creatives feel that it is a clever storytelling technique? It's not.

Mandy: What is with that quasi cheerful intro? I felt like I was supposed to be watching a sitcom (or a British show, which fits better considering this is a remake of an Australian show) rather than a serious drama. The voiceover also made for a very different feel. I wonder, since the show seems to focus on different characters each episode, if this is a way to introduce them more quickly than usual? I’m not really a huge fan of narration, however.

Let's Do This Again

Emily: Even though I don't dislike any of the characters, not so sure I really like any of them either. And I have to say I like the pilot more than I like the upcoming previews, but still I'm interested to see where this goes. It's only 8 episodes so I'm at least going to see what happens next. If I stick around is going to depend greatly on if I start rooting for anyone.

Mandy: I’m really curious to know how this episode compared to the original version of the show. (So please, if you’ve watched both, let me know?) It was different than any other show I watch, and the difference in styles was intriguing, and yet—I’m not wholly sold yet. I’m not a huge fan of any of the characters, nor do I feel like they have that many redeeming qualities. I might check in once more, but I’m not making any promises.

Did you watch The Slap? If so, let us know your thoughts below!