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Title: The Fall, Series 1
Year: 2013
Fix: BAMF Feminism, Fucking Smart Cat and Mouse, Killer Thriller

Netflix Summary:

When the Belfast police are stalled in their investigation of a spate of murders, Detective Superintendent Stella Gibson is drafted to investigate.

FYA Summary:

HOLY SHIZZ, YOU GUYS. Holy shizz.

Allow me to preface this by saying that I am not a fan of violence-against-women procedurals.* It's the reason why I've never checked out Stalker, even to support my girl Maggie Q. That strain of weak sauce reminds me of the famous Margaret Atwood quote ("Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.") and the original title of Stieg Larsson's best-known work: Men Who Hate Women. And for those that do, and the shows that glorify that kind of brutal violence: I think we can all agree to give them a hearty, "FUCK THAT NOISE."

The Fall is no violence-against-women procedural. No freaking way. 

While, yes, the central crimes are straight up violence against women, this show also treats the murder victims as who they really were: people. Women. Lives that mattered. Lives that matter.

There's also one very intelligent, very badass, very fucking feminist sleuth at the epicentre of this show: Detective Superintendent Stella Gibson. And she is fan-fucking-tastic.

The Belfast police are stumped with a high-profile murder that only has one well-connected suspect whose name they're 'encouraged' to clear. Enter Detective Superintendent Gibson to solve this shizz up. Only, she discovers something's off. Very off. Oh, Gibson can totally clear that other dude, all right. Because she's found herself a serial killer.

*Or the majority of procedurals, or more than one fluffy procedural** in my viewing rotation.

**For the curious, this is currently Forever, although I'm a few eps behind. And obvs, it was once Castle before I lost interest. And Captain Hammer is my homeboy! (No, really. I live in his hometown, and I know someone who went to high school with him.)

Familiar Faces:

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Gillian Anderson as Det. Superintendent Stella Gibson

OK, so I've read a lot about what a hot charismatic serial killer Jamie Dornan is in this, blah blah blah here's his bulge. BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW FUCKING HOT GILLIAN ANDERSON IS?!!? Oh, wait. This is my post. So SÍ SE PUEDE I DON'T SPEAK GAELIC. (Neither does anybody on the show, for what it's worth, but we are in Northern Ireland.) All is totally forgiven for not enough Dr. Du Maurier on Hannibal, now that I know what she was up to in the meantime. (Although why not both, says the greedy fan.)

There's a reason why the Belfast police brought Gibson in -- because she's freakin' BAWS. Seriously -- my notes just say, "incredible orator, leader, Tami Taylor hair". She is the trifecta. And she's a kickass detective who gives no fucks what you think of her.

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Jamie Dornan as Paul Spector

Look, I think Jamie Dornan is a good-looking man when he has some scruff, like on Once Upon a Time back in the day -- and I don't generally like scruff. So him being all scruffy and often shirtless: that must be like, swoon city, right?! UHHHH, NO. I quickly grew immune to his charm as he did more and more serial killer things.

In the beginning of the series, I did catch myself instinctively warning Paul and cautioning him against doing something reckless, because offering unsolicited instructions to non-interactive fictional characters is something we humans like to do. But then I realized: NO, WAIT -- I want this fucker to get caught! I just got so carried away with the typical protagonist mold and overlooked that, beyond heroes and antiheroes, there are villains and super serious BAD NEWS. So, Paul -- go on with your poor instincts! Unless those instincts tell you to kill, obvs. 

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Archie Panjabi as Dr. Reed Smith

How much do I love that this character could have very well been cast as an old white dude? I don't know if the androgynous Anglo-Saxon moniker is an indicator of this, because I'm deathly (har?) afraid of Googling anything about this show when I'm a full series behind, but that's a nice thought to entertain. 

Anyway, pathologist Smith first arrives on the scene as a leather-clad, motorcycle-riding badass like that other TV role of Panjabi's (which I actually have never watched, but I know this anyway because I consume too much pop culture). But I'll always know her as Parminder Nagra's sister from Bend It Like Beckham.

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Ben Peel as Det. James Olson

I don't think I've seen this guy in anything else, except omg IMDb tells me VAMPIRE ACADEMY WTF. But the truly important thing to draw attention to is how he reminded me of a Hot Colton Haynes. (Yes, the implication is that I don't think CH is hot, because it's impossible to think so once you've seen all of Meghan's early seasons Teen Wolf recaps.) And also when he has a shirtless scene, I immediately thought, "HELLOOOO SIR ABS", which makes absolutely no sense that QEII would go to the trouble of granting his stomach knighthood, but logic clearly was not at play here. This has been a lengthy distraction to say it's better for the story to introduce him than for me to do so. 

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Niamh McGrady as Const. Danielle Ferrington

Confession: I actually don't know her from anything either, and I didn't even catch her name until near the end, only referring to her as Ginger Beat Cop in my mind before that. I don't want to spoil it, but I love her storyline and how she ends up crossing paths with Gibson. 

And lest my parade of pretty people mislead you, there are tons of other actors in this as well -- incl. many male characters of different ethics and values, in case anyone (probably unfamiliar with this site) is conflating pro-women with anti-men because LAWL, that's not what feminism is at all. I just don't really know my UK actors, and I'm scared to even look at a cast list out of fear they'll list the duration of that character's existence on the show because OMG SPOILERS. Although I will say that most of them are not minorities, because Belfast is really freaking white.

Couch-Sharing Capability: Surprisingly Great

I actually more or less binge-watched this with my mom, and even having to hurriedly explain a scene or provide backstory for something she wasn't paying attention to earlier didn't detract from my enjoyment, because I needed someone to KNOWWWWW what was going on and understand the plot to talk to me ASAP.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: None Required (Maybe), Except for Toasting Motherfuckin' TRUTH

Admittedly, I have a high threshold for on-screen violence and fake corpses, so maybe that will make someone else more uncomfortable. There's also a scene that cuts between two people having sex and the serial killer ritual, which, while disturbing, was an effective juxtaposition that didn't merely exist for shock value (AHEM, How to Get Away with Murder). OH, and the horny babysitter. Between her and how the fictional children from this series are going to be fucking TRAUMATIZED (no physical harm is done to the kids, but it's still a pretty fucked up childhood), you might want to drink. A lot. 

Besides that, there aren't really any occasions that you should need alcohol. But here are a few examples of lines that are worth raising a glass and a fistpump for (transcribed as best as I could, so apologies for any mistakes!): 

[Re: adulterous affair -- just the double standard of what's going on here] 

"You didn't think to ask?"

"He didn't think to tell me."

"I'm not interested in judging. Just in finding the killer."

"You try to justify what you do, but it's just misogyny."

And OMG the Subject vs. Object speech! So much more than a grammar lesson, y'all. 

Use of Your Netflix Subscription: SO VERY EXCELLENT

If, by some chance, you haven't gleaned how I feel about this show yet, I'll go ahead and state so now: I FREAKING LOVE IT. And is it kind of evil of me to want to recommend this to Ezria fans for the babysitter storyline? Or have Netflix recommend it to them automatically, for a different interpretation of an age-inappropriate older man/underage girl relationship? YES, PROBABLY DEFINITELY YES. Although no less evil than reminding everyone of serial killer Christian Grey before they see Fifty Shades! 

ANYWAY. BACK TO THE FALL. Series 1 was absolutely engrossing, with literal jaw-dropping moments that I did NOT see coming at all. The intricate dance between Gibson's pursuit and Spector's evasiveness is mesmerizing -- how the tables are constantly turning and the upper hand is being tossed back and forth between the two leads like a hot potato. And amidst this tense, thrilling chase -- there's sly, well deployed humour. 

All that, and this show gives you a totally rational and not at all paranoid reason for keeping a detailed inventory of your underwear drawer. THE MORE YOU KNOW.

So have y'all seen Series 1 of The Fall yet? PLEASE NO SPOILERS FOR SERIES 2 -- not even hinting at good/bad/indifferent it is, no matter how well-meaning you are. I literally just finished Series 1 last night and quite obviously, I AM STILL PROCESSING AHHHHH. Series 1 friends, LET'S DISH (with clearly marked spoilers for potential newbies)!

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BOOK REPORT for Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

NOTE: This book is the upcoming FYABC pick for May 2015! Want to join a FYA book club or start your own? Head on over to the book club page to find out more.

Cover Story: Montell Jordan
BFF Charm: Yay x 2
Swoonworthy Scale: 5
Talky Talk: Straight Up With a Twist of Poetry
Bonus Factors: Diversity, LGBTQ, Awesome Grownups
Relationship Status: BFF

Cover Story: Montell Jordan

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What a great cover. The “doodles” and interesting typeface layered over the truck parked at dusk are beautiful – and actually have to do with the story – while not being juvenile or pandering. If you have a newer copy, it’s also covered with awards.

The Deal:

This is the story of two unlikely best friends – Dante is open, optimistic, confident, and talented. Aristotle – Ari – is not, or thinks as much. Ari’s older brother is in prison, he’s the youngest brother of several much-older siblings, and his father suffers from Vietnam-era PTSD. Dante's parents are warm and demonstrative with both him and Ari. When Ari meets Dante, the two unusually-named boys see something in each other that the other lacks.

There's nothing I can say to do this book justice, so...just read it, you guys.

BFF Charm: Yay x 2

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I absolutely loved Ari and Dante. Both of them felt like real sixteen-year-old boys going through some heavy stuff. I wanted to hug them, but mostly I just enjoyed watching them figure everything out on their own.

Swoonworthy Scale: 5

Is there or isn't there something between the two boys? Or is there something between each of them and a couple of girls? There are a few incredibly nice moments either way -- nothing that will melt your pants, but I bet it will melt your heart.

Talky Talk: Straight Up With a Twist of Poetry

Sáenz’s prose is deceptively simple, yet lyrical. Even when he’s just expressing basic statements, like “being sixteen sucks,” he writes it in a voice that rings true. Ari and Dante are neither perfect, poetic specimens of sixteen, nor are they crazy crude for shock value. Dante is particularly eloquent, but it’s in an awkward and painfully self-aware way; Ari is gruff and reserved. I loved the way that Sáenz was able to capture that liminal state of being sixteen or seventeen – on one hand, the boys are desperately struggling to be adults and find their identities, and on the other, they are the very definition of young naiveté. (I mean, they think adults know what they’re doing. Aw.)

What struck me about this book is how the simplicity of the words lets the character portraits shine through. For example:

“We sat, drinking our tea and watching the rain fall on his front porch. The sky was almost black and then it started hailing. It was so beautiful and scary, I wondered about the science of storms and how sometimes it seemed that a storm wanted to break the world and how the world refused to break.” – pg 103

Bonus Factor: Diversity

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Ari and Dante are both of Mexican-American descent, living in 1980s El Paso, Texas. Ari describes himself as “darker, and not just his skin tone.” Dante, on the other hand, doesn’t feel like he’s a “real” Mexican. As the book goes on, we watch the boys struggle to define what a “real” Mexican is, and whether that label helps or hurts their developing identities.

Bonus Factor: LGBTQ

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The theme of identity and otherness is repeated in Sáenz's exploration of sexuality. How do you know who you want to kiss, and what it’s supposed to feel like? Can you love your best friend without being in love with them? Does everyone feel this way? Sáenz does a phenomenal job of depicting what it’s like to be a teenager and not know what it all means.

Bonus Factor: Awesome Grownups

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At least three out of the four parents in this book are just lovely human beings (and the fourth is lovely in their own emotionally-stunted way). Sure, they hover and worry, as many parents do, but they’re also accepting, supportive, and committed to raising good children. This is reflected in how the boys just commit small acts of rebellion instead of big ones.

I particularly loved these exchanges between Ari and his mother:

“Mom, you’re hovering. You’re going to make me say the ‘f’ word. You really are.”
“Don’t you dare say that word in front of me.”
“I swear I’m going to, Mom, if you don’t stop.” pg 136

“Do you think I’m mean?”
“I think you’re strict. Too strict sometimes.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No you’re not.” I clutched at my crutches. “Someday, I’m going to have to break some of your rules, Mom.”
“I know,” she said. “Try to do it behind my back, will you?” pg 171

Casting Call:

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Mark Indelicato as Ari Mendoza

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Diego Boneta as Dante Quintana

Relationship Status: BFF

Book, I’m not sure if I love you or if I’m IN love with you, but it doesn’t matter. You're so good and we resonated so well, I can’t picture a time where you won’t be in my life.

FTC Full Disclosure: I bought my own book because I think it’s so damned good. I received neither money nor a pet unicorn for writing this review, despite how hard I wished for one.  Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe is available now.

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Previously on The 100: Lexa and Clarke run for their lives, Jaha talks Murphy into looking for the promised land, and Lincoln makes a decision that could mean bad news for Bellamy.

I really hope y’all were hydrated last night, because that was a DOOZY of an episode. I feel a little like I ran a 4-minute mile, and I am not a runner.

In Mt. Weather:

The episode goes immediately for a gut punch by showing a shackled Bellamy as he is sprayed, dusted, scoured and drugged. The Mt. Weather bastards even take a tooth (!) and stick some sort of vacuum tube into his throat before he’s thrown into a cage to await the Harvest. Being Bellamy, he immediately tries to break his way out, but the Grounder lady in the cage next to him tries to talk him down (after spitting on him, natch), because making a scene will only get him taken to the Harvest room quicker.

(Side note: Even though I was quite worried for Bellamy throughout the episode, I couldn’t help but smile to see him clean.

… And in his undies.)

When the Weathermen finally come to take their next victim, they go straight for Helpful Grounder Lady. Again, because he is who he is, Bellamy makes a ruckus and gets chosen instead. In keeping with the treatment he received at the start, he’s shocked, drugged, and taken to the Harvest room.

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Elsewhere in Mt. Weather:

Jasper and Maya discuss that Monty and Harper are still missing. Maya reassures him that they’re not in the Harvest room, but Jasper’s worry incites her to go check again.

After she leaves, Jasper goes to confront President Wallace about his friends and all the lies. His passion gets the best of him, and he holds a sword to Wallace’s throat. Thankfully, Wallace is actually a really good guy, and lets Jasper off the hook, even going so far as to tell him that they’ll both go find his friends. When they do, Wallace frees Harper and Monty, takes Dr. Tsing into custody, and tells Jasper, et all, that they’re free to go home. But when Wallace goes to question his son about the whole situation, Cage takes control and imprisons him.

Back with Bellamy:

Maya snoops around the hospital, and discovers that the Weatherperson in for treatment is healing much faster than normal. She makes her way into the Harvest room to investigate, and finds Bellamy on the rack. She wakes him, and questions him, and he reveals who he is. She begins to free him, but a guard with terrible timing walks in on them. He thinks Bellamy’s dead—smart work starting with the pulse monitor, Maya—and takes him down. Bellamy springs into action, and with the help of Maya and the Grounder lady in the cage, kills the guard.

Maya’s shocked, but willing to continue to help him. Bellamy swipes the guard’s clothes, and they dump the body down a garbage shoot before attempting to make their way to the rest of the Ark kids. On the way, Bellamy’s stopped by a little boy, who brings tears to his eyes, even before he realizes that said little boy was the son of the guard he just killed. (THE HEARTSTRINGS. THEY ARE BEING TUGGED.)

As they reach the dorms, an alarm sounds and the doors slam close, trapping the Ark kids inside. Jasper peers out the window, worried, but spots Bellamy with Maya in the hall. Realizing that they can’t get to the kids now, what with the lockdown, Bellamy and Maya head to the radio.

In the Forest:

Snipers from Mt. Weather are watching as Clarke and a company of people ride (on horses, because apparently genetic memory includes horse riding) through the forest. Abby forces them all to stop, so she can fill a tiny canteen in a puddle. Clarke’s annoyed, since they’re so close to home. Abby tries to prove that she’s in control, but Clarke kind of laughs it off and gets back on her horse. One of the snipers takes aim and shoots … but an arrow hits him in the neck at the same time, throwing his shot off; the bullet hits a Grounder instead.

Indra, another Grounder and Octavia appear near the snipers, and Octavia battles the Weatherman who wasn’t hit by the arrow. The Grounder attempts to intervene, but Indra tells him that it’s Octavia’s kill. Girl, who’s bought in completely to the Grounder school of beauty, nearly takes him out, ripping his suit in the process.

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Clarke stops Octavia before she can make the final move, however, because she thinks the sniper might provide vital intel. Clarke asks Octavia to search his gear for a suit patch, and in addition to finding one, Octavia finds evidence that the snipers’ targets were Clarke and Lexa.

At Camp Jaha:

The group from the forest rush the injured Grounder and the Weatherman back to camp. As soon as they get there, Clarke asks Raven if there’s been any word from Bellamy. (*happy sigh*) Raven says no, and the two bicker a bit before Raven returns to engineering to rig an airlock to be a containment cell for the Weatherman. The injured Grounder dies, Indra gets mad, and Abby tried again to be motherly, but Clarke’s having none of it. She goes to see Raven in engineering, but isn’t there long before she’s called back to the medical area, where Abby reveals that the Weatherman’s blood shows signs of genetic material that could only come from someone from the Ark. Clarke’s pissed, because she knows that means that the kids trapped in Mt. Weather have already started their new roles as lab rats.

Clarke goes back to check on the radio, and nearly throws in the towel. Raven gets mad (rightly so), and tells her that she can’t give up. In a perfect bit of writing twist of fate, at that moment Bellamy comes through on the radio. He and Clarke (both look so happy on their respective side of the radio, and they) talk plans. Clarke advises him to attempt to use the Grounders in Mt. Weather as a trojan horse of sorts, fighting from within. She also promises that she’ll keep the Weatherman focused on the outside, so he can get around better inside.

As part of her plan, Clarke takes the Weatherman (whose name is Emerson) from the quarantine cell. Abby and Kane try to stop her, but Clarke puts Abby in her place with The. Best. line of the night:

“You may be the chancellor, but I’m in charge."

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And also:

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Abby makes one last effort to regain control, but Indra and her men, and even Kane, side with Clarke’s plan. Clarke leads Emerson to the gates and gives him a message to take back to his superiors: Release the Ark kids, or else. She then gives him six hours of air for an eight hour walk and tells him to deal with it.

Raven and Clarke end the episode discussing how, basically, everything hinges on Bellamy.

No pressure, Bells.

Mt. Weather 101:

So. President Wallace isn’t like President Snow at all—his son, Cage, is. Also, there are only a little more than 300 Weatherpeople alive (including a handful of adorable little children.)

Death Toll: 2

Sorry you had to die, Lovejoy, but Bellamy’s on a mission. And sorry you had to die, too, nameless Grounder. I’m sure you would have come in handy in the battle to come.

Say What:

Oh, Jasper.

Jasper: Everything’s OK … Everything’s OK … *Maya leaves* Everything’s not OK. Time to do something stupid.

Bellamy’s not effing around.

Bellamy: I need to get out of this cage.
Helpful Grounder Lady: And then what?
Bellamy: And then I kill everyone in this mountain.

Even if you’re a d-bag, Cage, you do speak the truth.

President Wallace: You’re a stain on our legacy.
Cage: Our legacy? We’ve been bleeding people to stay alive for generations. That’s our legacy.

Burning Questions:

- I know Posh posed this question last week, but seriously—where is Wick? We saw engineering at least three times this episode, and he was no where to be seen.

- Are you as worried as I am that Helpful Lady Grounder might become Love Triangle Lady Grounder?

- Do you think the Mutant is Cage’s long-lost twin? (Since he/she hasn’t shown up since that first time, I feel compelled to make up my own stories about him/her now.)

Let’s discuss below.

P.S.—Did you see that we added new designs to the FYA Store? If you’re a fellow #Bellarke shipper or a fan of Bellamy not dying, check ‘em out.

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BOOK REPORT for Victoria: May Blossom of Britannia by Anna Kirwan

Cover Story: Bottle Blonde
BFF Charm: *shrug*
Swoonworthy Scale: 0
Talky Talk: The V. Young Victoria
Bonus Factors: The British Monarchy
Anti-Bonus Factor: Patty Chase Award
Relationship Status: Grudging Friendship

Royal Diaries Drinking Game

Take a sip when:
• There is talk of a betrothal
• The protagonist references the diary concept (i.e. apologizes for not writing often enough, has to find a hiding place for the diary, explains why she's writing in it to begin with, etc.)
• The protagonist wonders what it would be like to be a "normal girl"
• There’s a ball
• There's a trip to the marketplace
• Somebody makes a chess metaphor
• Somebody becomes deathly ill (pour one out if they die!)
• Somebody is poisoned or strangled or in some other way Ye Olde Murdered
• You wish you were a princess

Take two sips when:
• The protagonist becomes officially betrothed
• The protagonist suspects someone of reading her diary
• It's the protagonist's birthday
• Secret nighttime adventure!
• Obvious historical foreshadowing
• The protagonist becomes deathly ill
• You're really glad you're NOT a princess

Take a shot when:
• The protagonist gets hitched
• Another Royal Diarist is mentioned

Cover Story: Bottle Blonde

This is a perfectly lovely illustration, but Victoria's hair color just confuses me. Why is she so blonde? I guess her hair may have been lighter when she was younger, like many people's, but even then I'd still call it more of a light brunette. The Victoria on this cover is not a light brunette. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does. It DOES.

The Deal:

Victoria is second in line for the throne of Great Britain, but doesn't know it. Seriously. There's a whole scene where she realizes she's been doing math wrong this whole time, and whoops, turns out she's two frail old men away from being Queen. That seems totally ridic, but then I looked it up, and apparently it's historically accurate. Let this be a lesson, kids: if you do well in math class, you might suddenly find out that you're the presumptive heir to some European monarchy. If you don't do your algebra homework, you'll never know! (Of course, this did not prove true for Mia Thermopolis.)

Oh, and some other stuff happens, too, I guess.

BFF Charm: *shrug*

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I know it's a fool's errand to judge people in the past by the standards of the present, but full disclos.: I am not the biggest fan of Queen Victoria as a historical figure. All the repression morality and straight-up genocide imperialism just doesn't do it for me.

But I'm also fully aware that 90% of the reason I'm such a fan of Elizabeth I, who also did her fair share of questionable things, is because I was introduced to her at an impressionable age through the Royal Diaries. (Same with Thomas Jefferson and the movie 1776, for the record.) So I tried to approach this book without bias, to let Victoria the RD character have her say as an entirely distinct person from Victoria the RL "character."

And she was...okay. Like Marie Antoinette, she struck me as particularly young, but without Marie Antoinette's sweetness. In the last forty pages or so Victoria turned into a bit of a Debbie Downer, but just managed to stay on this side of "bearable." (I get that she has problems, but Anastasia managed to be more positive about the Russian Revolution than Victoria about having to take an exam.) I cycled through a bunch of options for a BFF charm I could give Victoria—maybe? eventually? yay? meh? big sister?—and eventually I just had to shrug. Victoria, it's not you, it's me. (Frankly, just once, I'd like the book character to give me a BFF charm. Why am I always the one to define our relationship?)

Swoonworthy Scale: 0

No swoon to be had, not even for ready money. There is a great opportunity to raise a glass to the "obvious historical foreshadowing" rule of the Royal Diaries Drinking Game when Victoria plays a "the next guy to walk through that door is your future husband" game. Cue a portrait of Albert being carried into the room, and Victoria concluding that the game clearly doesn't work.

Talky Talk: The V. Young Victoria

I tend to prefer the older Royal Diaries protagonists (~14-18) to the younger ones (~9-13). I can forgive Victoria for being nine years old at the beginning of this book, though, because if Anna Kirwan had started it much later, she would've brushed right up against Queen Victoria's actual diaries, begun when she was thirteen. As essentially prequel fanfic, Victoria is both more interesting than the original (RL Vic wrote a lot of Point A to Point B stuff in her diaries) and less (pre-bowdlerization Vic was apparently pretty saucy re: sexy Prince Albert).

Sŏndŏk, as we all remember, framed its diary entries as the princess writing messages to her grandmother's spirit. Victoria uses a similar tactic, in which entries are kinda sorta addressed to Victoria's absent half-sister, Feodora. It's not brought up often and it's not really consistently employed, so when the framing does come up, it feels a bit jarring and unnecessary.

One last thing: Victoria does a lot of abbreviating, especially with "v" for "very." Some people might find this annoying, but as I totes do the same thing myself, I couldn't v. well judge! Maybs I should form a club with Victoria and Penny Hartz: peeps who love to abbrev.

Bonus Factor: The British Monarchy

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We've had one British queen in the Royal Diaries series already (and two borderline cases), but Queen Victoria was the first "modern" British monarch, closer to the way we think of them today. And I've already said I'm no monarchist, but if Prince Harry showed up on my doorstep tonight and proposed...I'd make like Phoebe and change my beliefs.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Patty Chase Award for Awful Guardianship

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It's truly sad how often I have to "award" this factor to Royal Diaries books. Victoria's mother is under the thumb of Captain Conroy, a former employee of Victoria's late father. Together they educate Victoria under the "Kensington System," which means isolating her from most other relatives and not allowing her to go walk down stairs without holding someone's hand. While the Captain is unquestionably The Worst, it's hard to know how to judge Victoria's mother. On the one hand, it seems clear that Captain Conroy is controlling and abusive towards her; on the other, she seems to wholeheartedly agree with his various awful policies re: Victoria. There's really no anti-bonus factor that covers this particular situation, so I'm just going with a general condemnation of Victoria's guardianship.

Casting Call:

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Maisie Williams as Victoria

Barring a de-aged Emily Blunt, I think Maisie could do a good job playing a very different kind of princess* than Arya.

*I know Arya's not actually a princess, but just as last time, you can't get me to change a sentence's structure to fit the facts that easy.

Relationship Status: Grudging Friendship

I admit it, Book: I was kind of biased against you when our date started. It's not your fault, it's mine—well, maybe a little bit yours—but either way, my bias turned out to be largely unfounded. I can't say that our time together had me seeing stars, but I did see things from your perspective, and that made me like you a little more. I don't think we're MFEO, but I'm certainly glad I met you when I did.

FTC Full Disclosure: I purchased this book with my allowance. Victoria: May Blossom of Britannia has been available for years, y'all. So get on that.

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HAPPY FRIDAY! 

Book Related Things

The ALA YA awards -- congratulations to FYA fave Jandy Nelson for taking home the Printz! 

365 days of YA infographic.

Harper Lee is releasing a new novel, but some people are hesitant to get excited.

Our own Mandy W. was interviewed about FYA book clubs for this Fall River, MA newspaper!

New diverse YA releases for January 2015.

Kid threatens to make his classmate disappear with the One Ring, is suspended.

George R.R. Martin's original Game of Thrones outline.

Would Dawn from the Babysitter's Club be an anti-vaxxer?

Movie Related Things

Obviously you have seen the Magic Mike XXL news, right? 

And here are 11 actors of color who would make MMXXL even hotter.

Joss Whedon on why there aren't more female superhero movies.

New Pitch Perfect trailer.

What's new on Netflix in February!

30 iconic movie looks.

Everything that's been changed about the Fifty Shades movie. 

And Target defends selling Fifty Shades sex toys.

Daniel Dae Kim has joined the cast of Insurgent. Might be the best thing about the movie.

TV Related Things

Disney has created its first Latina princess.

New Outlander trailer. PASS THE CHURCH FAN.

The CW orders the Cheerleader Death Squad pilot, and more.

Jimmy Fallon Saved by the Bell reunion.

Baz Luhrmann hip-hop drama is coming to Netflix.

Miscellaneous Things

Inflatable pub!

Determine your Disney Princess by your zodiac sign.

Are you Team Left Shark or Team Right Shark?

And now, just because I love you, and also because this is the GREATEST GIF OF ALL TIME:

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Welcome back to our TV Preview series! We’re here to check out TV’s midseason offerings (which we highlighted in our TV Preview: Midseason Shows post) and voice our opinions on what’s good, what’s bad, what’s meh, and what you can avoid at all costs.

Warning! Possible spoilers ahead.

Fresh Off the Boat

Premiered: Feb. 4 on ABC (Watch online.)

Twitter Pitch

Childhood is awkward for everyone … more so if your parents don't understand the culture … even more so if your lunch stinks. #NasRepresents

Familiar Faces

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Constance Wu as Jessica Huang

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Randall Park as Louis Huang

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Lucille Soong as Grandma Huang

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Jillian Armenante as Nancy

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Stacey Scowley as Carol-Joan

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Paul Scheer as Mitch

Faces That Might Become Familiar (If You Keep Watching)

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Hudson Yang as Eddie Huang

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Forest Wheeler as Emery Huang

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Ian Chen as Evan Huang

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Prophet Bolden as Walter

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Brady Tutton as Brock

Redeeming Qualities

Emily: The kids are pretty great. Especially the little brothers. And I'm all for a family show where family loyalty comes first. The fact that this is based on a memoir (that I hear is pretty good), I feel like there are numerous funny stories to tell.

Mandy: Constance Wu is a total delight (in addition to being absolutely stunning). Her “What is this store so excited about?” made the episode for me. The rest of the cast is also adorable, and have excellent comedic timing. Plus: The real Eddie Huang—Fresh Off the Boat is based on his memoir of the same name—is less than two years older than me, so much of the show will be extremely nostalgic.

It's Not Me, It's You

Emily: The show lacks wit. Every line spoon feeds the plot to the audience. There are no "ha ha" winks about culture divides, instead there are big neon signs explaining in detail what the joke is. Plus, it's kind of sad. I'm not going to laugh at a kid being made fun of.

Mandy: To be completely honest, I fear for the multitude of jokes about race. As a very white, middle-class person, I’m never quite sure when these kind of jokes are funny or just rude. I’ve also read that Huang was disappointed with the way the show was produced, which makes me additionally uneasy.

Let's Do This Again

Emily: I want to support diverse programming on TV, but I didn't laugh once. It's just missing some of the magic of other family comedies that are on right now. I do know it's the pilot, and pilots are usually even more rough for comedies than dramas, but unfortunately for this show, I don't think I can stick around long enough for it to find its footing. There's too much good stuff out there right now.

Mandy: I might not check in weekly, but this first episode was quite funny and sweet, so I think I’ll have to watch a few more episodes. I just hope it continues to be “we’re all laughing with you” funny and not *tug at your collar in discomfort* funny. And more Constance Wu, please.

Did you watch Fresh Off the Boat? If so, let us know your thoughts below!

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Previously on Reign: Francis tells prisoner Narcisse that he’ll be doing anything he’s told. King Antoine expects Conde’s loyalty. Mary asked Lola to offer herself as a potential match for Conde. He’s not thrilled. Mary tells Francis she needs more time.

Hey guys, it's party time! I will never stop being delighted by this show's need to invent something new to celebrate, every single week. Can you imagine if Hallmark had been around then?

The Intrigue:

- The first bloom is spotted in the snowy courtyard, generating lots of excitement, especially from Kenna, who is looking forward to new dresses and parties to enliven the “dismal winter.” Has there been some dearth of parties that we were unaware of?

- Francis proposes that he and Mary get away to an abandoned chateau in the Loire Valley, away from the bad memories their castle holds. She has qualms. Girl… me too. You know that place needs a ton of renovations.

- A woman paying her respects in a village cemetery, decorated with fake looking snow, notices what appears to be a dug up grave that looks to have been broken out of, not into. And someone or something is creeping in the forest. Yikes.

- King Antoine comes for a visit, to solidify trade agreements/check up on Conde, or for some sucking up to the King of France. He also asks for funds to take care of the French Protestant refugees that have fled France for Navarre. Francis says he’ll consider it. (That’s always a ‘no’.)

- Lola explains to Conde that the Winter’s Ease feast and ball are held at the sight of the first bloom, to celebrate - not the end of winter (which he points out, it’s totally still winter), but the promise of the end. Apparently, Conde hasn't been around court long enough to realize they will use any excuse to celebrate. He asks to be her escort.

- Antoine hits on Kenna within .30 seconds of arriving at the castle. Conde advises against that folly. Antoine doesn’t think Conde gets to be high and mighty about being into married women. With foreboding, Antoine thinks he recognizes Bash from somewhere. He realizes that it must be from the Italian Wars, and that Bash was the one who knifed their brother in the back. This doesn’t really sound like Bash’s style. And Conde would like some proof, before they go around accusing the king’s brother.

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Say what you will about Kenna, but this girl is never not ready for Coachella.

- Mary thinks they can afford to give Navarre a little money. Catherine vehemently disagrees, though no one asked her. She and Francis believe the Bourbons have always been trying to further their claim on the throne, since Francis was a sick child.

- Privately, Francis confronts Catherine about Clarissa still being alive. WHAT. Then he starts bleeding down his face, and we realize Catherine is having a real mother of a hallucination. People come running into the room at her screams, and now everyone knows the level of crazypants she has reached, although she believes her vision to be evidence of the truth of Nostradamus’ prophecy.

- The physician asks Catherine about sores on her mouth and hands, and then whether her husband slept around. UH OH. Catherine is predictably worried for her legacy, and begs Francis “Say that I died of consumption, helping the orphans!”

- Kenna brings Bash all his favorite foods AND beer, but he’s still rebuffing her. She apologizes again, for doing something, when she barely knew him, that was about protecting her own neck. He finally admits that maybe there are dark things in his past, too. But then he starts on about ghosts and stuff again, and Kenna calls him on the weird pagan nonsense his family saddled him with.

- Francis wants Narcisse to gather some intel on Navarre and whether they actually need the money Antoine has asked for. Narcisse quickly deduces that maybe this is about Conde, and jealousy, and that this could be fixed if Conde simply had an accident. Such an efficient guy, that Narcisse. YOU STAY AWAY FROM HOT COUSIN LOUIS.

- Antoine asks Kenna for a tour of the castle, She turns him down due to his questionable reputation, but he manages to flatter her into changing her mind. Sigh, Kenna.

- Narcisse tells Lola he’s heard that she’s seeing Conde. “The man is so boring and predictable, I can hardly believe it’s true.” He figures correctly, that she’s been made to do so. He suggests that after the ball, she ride with him to the hot springs, in her warmest stockings, which he’ll then remove. Winter themed flirting is kind of weird, right? He warns Lola that it’s a mistake to assume he won’t make it back on top.

- Oh, horrors. The physician is trying every syphilis treatment he’s ever heard of, and lets out a bunch of birds to peck at Catherine’s feet, to drain out the bile. It's gross, and painful. Claude could not be more delighted.

- Mary thanks Francis for his efforts to make her happy, not just the new chateau, but sleeping on the divan night after night, until she’s comfortable. She tells him that he can sleep - just sleep - in her bed.

- Now that Narcisse is out of the dungeons, Claude says she'd like him to tutor her - in the bedchamber - in case there was any doubt, and in matters of court intrigue. It’s all just as subtle as it sounds.

- Mary has awful flashbacks from the sound of a man’s breath next to her in bed. Francis tells her it’s a nightmare, one that’s over now. She allows him to hold her. Aw, poor Frary.

- Bash goes to investigate the case of the dude who dug out of his grave. The village lady tells him she’s heard similar stories from other places. Yet again, Bash is chasing weird paranormal stuff. He finds a dirty Greek guy in the woods that night, who tells him that he woke in a grave. Bash tells him Nostradamus says these things can happen. (Snort.) But the Greek guy says he was pulled from his grave, by a woman dressed in white.

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Mary very nearly looks period appropriate here. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

- Conde makes conversation with Lola, doing an admirable job of pretending that the Winter’s Ease ball looks any different than any other party of the week at the castle. Lola observes to Conde that Mary, dancing with Francis, looks happier than she’s seen in a while. Conde is a terrible date and doesn’t ask Lola to dance. Then he goes to check in on why Antoine is still hovering around Kenna. Antoine compares her to a sweet Arabian horse. I gag. He thinks Louis is too protective of his court friends, and cruelly reminds him of his brother’s death, and his family duty.

- Narcisse drags Francis and Mary from the ball to tell them that Navarre is poor and does need help with their Protestant refugees, but that the help has already been offered by England. Rumors are that English troops will arrive to assist in Navarre. Mary and Francis lose their shizz over the idea of English troops being that close to France’s border.

- Later, Lola spots Narcisse making out with Claude in an alcove, and is pretty pissy about it. She fumes to Kenna, telling her that Narcisse is unpredictable and she now values predictability.

- Mary wants Conde to spy on his brother. Considering what a “loyal subject” he’s been, he doesn’t appreciate it. “It you don’t reciprocate my feelings, very well, then don’t take advantage of them.” BURN. Conde is angry enough to seek out Lola and ask her to dance. She’s angry enough to readily accept. Sadly, it’s nothing like the angry dancing in Footloose.

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They just wanna cut loose, Mary.

- Claude and Narcisse, and their icky age difference, are getting hot and sweaty in her chamber, when she brings up the mood-killer: pregnancy. Then she tells him that she’s open to being lovers in all the ways, except the one that could leave her knocked-up, and him with with a way to marry into royalty. Apparently, that’s a dealbreaker for Narcisse?

- Francis confronts Antoine about Navarre’s real need for assistance - with a whole lot of intimidating guards at the ready. Antoine admits that England offered the help, in exchange for some strategic positioning. It all comes down to Queen Elizabeth seeing Mary as a threat.

- While Bash is in the woods with the Greek guy, they end up chased by villagers with torches. Were they all out of pitchforks? The villagers set upon and kill the Greek guy out of fear.

- The physician now has Catherine in a “mercury oven”, which looks like giant barrel, getting a super uncomfortable steam. Pretty sure they’re just trolling her at this point. They all leave her alone, calling for something to drink. Narcisse hears and comes to her aid, letting her know that Claude has already informed the entire castle of Catherine’s embarrassing issue. While discussing her symptoms, Narcisse grows suspicious. “Is it possible that you don’t have syphilis, but have been poisoned?” It’s Catherine, so it’s probably both. Narcisse figures out that it’s from something she’s touched, like the bible that Catherine took from Mad King Henry’s room, and now it’s driving her mad, too. Her chemistry knowledge (Oh Catherine, never change.) proves him correct.

- When Bash comes back to the castle, he has to talk a drunken Antoine down from a drunken scene in the courtyard. Although, it’s really just a ruse to find out how much Bash knows about the geography of Italy. Apparently, it’s enough for Antoine to decide that Bash was definitely the one who killed his and Conde’s brother.

- Kenna is disappointed that Bash didn’t make it back in time for the ball. He takes a very roundabout way of telling her that he can’t live without her. Oh good! It would be nice if one couple on this show liked each other.

- Mary wonders what they can do to convince Elizabeth that she’s not a threat to her. Dying would probably do it. Francis says there is no way, and they’re back to Mary feeling tormented and unsafe. She tells him that she wants him to be free. He doesn’t want that. “How could you send me to another?” “Because I love you, and one of us should be happy.”

History According to Reign:

Francis and Mary talk a lot about “getting away”. It wouldn’t have been unusual at the time, for monarchs to move the entire court to whatever estate they wanted, even if it wasn’t theirs.

Catherine and Francis refer to him having been sickly as a boy. Historically, Francis II was fragile, physically and psychologically, all his life. It seems certain that his frail health led to his early death.

Due to its sexually transmitted nature, syphilis was socially stigmatizing at the time. It doesn’t seem the least bit plausible that any physician would dare to diagnose a member of royalty with it.

Final Thoughts:

Catherine, in response to Claude cheerfully inquiring if she’s dying. “You sound so hopeful! I suppose I deserve that.” This family...

“Lovely to see you skulking about the castle again.”

They mention him twice this week! Wherefore art thou, Hipster Nostradamus?

Why on Earth do we trust Narcisse’s intel, when he has absolutely nothing left to lose?

Next week:

Catherine announces that she was poisoned. (Too bad Nostradamus isn’t there to explain the notion of karma.) Bash has found evidence against Conde. Francis says that if someone has plotted against them, he’ll be beheaded.

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Previously on The Vampire Diaries - Bonnie is still stuck in 90’s Alterna-Portland, Damon and Elena finally get their smooch on, Liz asks Stefan to take care of Caroline when she’s gone (WAIL), Luke merges with Kai in order to save his sisters, resulting in MegaKai.

HELLO! Yes, you heard correctly, I roughed myself up a couple of weeks back and have been recovering on lots of pain meds. This recap is coming to you LIVE from the rented hospital bed that is currently in my living room. Lesson learned - never try to put your socks on standing up or you just might fracture your shin. Also, a big shout-out to Kandis for covering for me these past two weeks! I know she took good care of y’all.

It’s Bonnie! I’ve been wondering when we were going to get back to our favorite displaced witch. It’s her birthday and while her friends are busy getting ready to celebrate in her honor, Bonnie is hitting rock bottom, more hopeless than ever that she will get to return home. At least the Salvatore Mansion has an endless supply of booze, Bon-Bon.

Elena is giving a Big Sister talk to Jeremy, trying to convince him to apply to art school and move on with his life, but he wants to stay in Mystic Falls until he knows that Bonnie is safely home. Cut to Damon wishing his long lost pal a Happy Birthday and OH MY GOD DID HE BAKE HER CUPCAKES? Ok, he probably bought them but in my mind Damon Salvatore has just added Red Velvet cupcakes to his culinary repertoire.

Caroline is, of course, totally on board with celebrating Bonnie’s birthday. Anything to distract her from her dying mom who she seems to be pseudo-stalking with constant phonecalls. Liz is going to start sending her ass straight to voicemail, you watch. Bonnie’s teddy bear, Ms. Cuddles, is front and center at the birthday table and Caroline confesses to Stefan that the REAL Ms. Cuddles is actually buried somewhere in the woods; turns out she stole her from Bonnie when they were kids and got into a fight and then sent her to a shallow grove marked with M&M’s. (As someone who had her favorite stuffed unicorn stolen from her as a kid all I can say is that Bonnie has a heart of gold for forgiving Caroline for crossing this most sacred of lines.)

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Digging random holes sounds like a great way to take my mind off of my missing BFF and dying mom. To the woods!

Caroline decides there’s no time like the present to start looking for the Original Ms. Cuddles (hey, grief does crazy things to people), loads up a shovel and traipses off to the woods. Stefan follows her and pokes fun at her until she finally lashes out. It’s a good friend who will push you to scream at them because they know it’s what you really need. When they actually DO find Ms. Cuddles her head comes off. Well, she’s HAS been buried for twelve years. It’s a really great moment that starts in laughter and ends in tears and for JUST a moment you think that Stefan and Caroline will FINALLY kiss. BUT NO. Dammit show!

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Those two. GAH.

Speaking of crazy, it’s Kai! Although now he’s merged with poor Luke (RIP) who has seemingly transmitted his ability to empathize to Kai and it’s really quite hilarious. Kai the Sociopath Learns to Feel - this is a character I can get behind, especially when he’s writing out apology letters to siblings he tried to kill. Damon and Elena agree to deliver his letter to Jo (who’s managed to hide herself away from Kai) IF he does something for them in return - send a message to Bonnie.

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Image courtesy of weheartit.com

In what is surely the most annoying and redundant of this week’s plotlines, Matt and Enzo go to Duke because Enzo wants to corrupt Sarah Salvatore in his Neverending Plot for Vengeance Against Stefan. DUDE. LET IT GO. This is such a waste of your charm and charisma, plus you’re not going to stay anyone’s favorite by kidnapping and threatening Matt Donovan.

Liv is mourning the death of her twin and it’s clouding her judgment just a smidge. Even though it will kill every member of the Gemini Coven, INCLUDING herself, she’s determined to murder Kai. She uses a spell to see through Luke’s/Kai’s eyes in order to locate him at Chez Salvatore. Tyler tries to stop her but she spells him to sleep.

Kai believes that they can all “become the collective Patrick Swayze” to Bonnie’s Demi Moore and Ghost themselves over to her. It’s successful, although Bonnie can’t see or hear them and they aren’t corporeal. When Damon sees Bonnie sipping on the best bottle of bourbon in the house he realizes that she’s going through their suicide pact. They are all yanked back to reality as Kai’s power runs out. They need to get back so that they can point her to where she can find a magical receptacle to get her home - it’s full of Katsia’s blood and it’s in Nova Scotia! Thank God the Salvatores are like me and still keep a road atlas around (hey, you never know when your GPS is going to crap out!) and Damon is able to scribble instructions on the map. Since it’s harder to send everyone back Jeremy volunteers to go alone.

Liv shows up to Chez Salvatore and “locks” Elena and Damon upstairs while she and Kai get into a FULL ON CUTLERY THROWDOWN in front of Sleeping Jeremy. Knives and forks are thrown with abandon! Did anyone catch whether or not the cake slicer was part of the action? Kai corners Liv and is about to set her on fire but finds that he can’t..! I guess he really has absorbed Luke’s empathy and it wasn’t just a ploy. Liv stabs Kai, Jeremy stabs Liv and manages to get Kai to send him over to Bonnie, who is sobbing into her final glass of bourbon. In a moment of sheer genius, Damon figures out that Liv is directly beneath them and sends a bottle of booze down the chimney which explodes into a firebomb below. It knocks her out long enough so that her spell lapses and they can get out of the bedroom.

Bonnie is in the garage with the engine running, recording her final goodbyes on a video camera. Choking down carbon monoxide, she realizes that she’s NOT trying to go out like this and tries to get into the car to turn off the engine. Jeremy is doing his best to let her know that he’s there and finally succeeds by opening the garage door. I almost want this to be the final Bonnie/Jeremy moment because it was immensely sweet seeing him be there for her like that. He returns to tell Damon and Elena that Bonnie will be ok.

Liv wakes up in her dorm room to a very calm but very angry Tyler. He managed to convince Elena to heal her and then he took her home. But Tyler Lockwood is done. He has no time for someone that would rather die than be with him, and I guess that’s fair enough (although I seem to remember a time when he would rather live seeking vengeance than be with Caroline but then again, I can hold a grudge like it’s my damn job.)

We end with all of our Mystic Falls pals moving forward the best they can; Elena and Damon engage in much smooching. She’s realized that no matter what she always finds her way back to him and that it’s time to stop living in the past. Jeremy fills out his application to art school, Caroline spends time with Stefan, boozing and stitching up poor Ms. Cuddles, and Bonnie finally sees the road atlas on the floor, complete with Damon’s instructions, loads up the convertible and hits the road to Nova Scotia!

Thoughts:

-How frustrating is it that Enzo now has the worst storyline on the show? Is it because of Kai? Too many smartasses for one show to carry?

-I never want to hear Cypress Hill again in my life. It was like a PTSD flashback of flannel and Boone’s Farm.

-”Happy Birthday, Bon-Bon.” Damon and his birthday cupcakes for Bonnie..! LOVE.

-“So I Googled how to process emotional pain and they said to write everything down in a letter and burn it.” This new Kai can stay.

-I honestly don’t remember anything about a rock in Nova Scotia covered in Katsia’s blood. Wait - who’s Katsia again? (Thanks, painkillers!)

-“You truly have an epic lack of game. Grunting at her would have been more effective.” Enzo still gets great lines, even if he’s being an epic douche who should really get himself a hobby.

-“Why don’t I re-animate your dead parents for a tea party while I’m at it?” LOLZ.

-“I would’ve done anything for you and you chose death over me.” Tyler Lockwood, getting a taste of his own medicine.

So what did y’all think? Do we all want MegaKai to stick around for a while? Anyone else relieved that Jeremy is finally leaving for art school? Will the Steroline kiss finally happen next week??

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BOOK REPORT for Silver People: Voices From the Panama Canal by Margarita Engle

Cover Story: Got a Little Captain in You?
Drinking Buddy: ¡Cuba Libre!
Testosterone Level: Welcome to the Jungle
Talky Talk: Can You Dig It?
Bonus Factors: Poetic Novel
Bromance Status: My Friend Died of Malaria in the Middle of the Panamanian Jungle, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

Cover Story: Got a Little Captain in You?

While Mateo and Anita look pretty much exactly like they're described in the book, this whole thing smacks of a retro Rum ad.

The Deal:

1906. The French have given up on this hopeless jungle expedition, leaving the Americans try to succeed where they failed (a scenario which will play out again in sixty years). Everyone's going to Panama: Jamaican laborers, American engineers, European fortune hunters, unemployed Spanish soldiers, not to mention the natives who are already there. Their mission: connect the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.

The work crews are divided into two teams: those paid in gold, and those paid in silver. The pay scale has been painstaking worked out, based on seniority, skills, the labor market, and most importantly, whether you're white.

Drinking Buddy: ¡Cuba Libre!

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Since this is a novel in verse, there are about a zillion points of view, but there are four main characters.

Mateo, Cuba. With his father suffering from PSTD from the Spanish-American war and the job marked glutted by down and out soldiers, Mateo pretends to be a Spaniard and hops a ship for Panama. He quickly discovers that laying railroad tracks through the jungle is not as glamorous as the training videos made it out to be. He's quickly recruited by a gang of Spanish anarchists to be a messenger boy for their subversive literature. He resents the Americans and their fancy houses and dining halls.

Henry, Jamaica. Part time boxer and full time digger, he resents the Spaniards and their fancy tin plates and stools. He begins to realize that maybe his bosses don't have his best interests at heart, when he's buried alive in a mudslide and they rush out to save the steam shovel.

Anita, Panama. A native herbalist, who collects plants from the jungle to make cures (and quack potions for the gold people, who will buy anything). She kind of takes a shine to young Mateo.

Augusto, Puerto Rico. An American-educated geologist, he's one of the gold people. He hires Mateo as his assistant.  Augusto discovers that his fancy doctorate and education mean little to people who can't see past his non-white skin.

Testosterone Level: Welcome to the Jungle

Imagine living by your wits in the untamed wilderness, nothing but a machete and your fists to defend yourself against the animals and bandits you encounter.

Yeah, Anita is pretty badass.

Plus there's Henry and Mateo boxing on payday, Henry getting buried alive, Mateo getting roughed up by the cops, and Theodore Roosevelt, the manliest of all US Presidents.

Talky Talk: Can You Dig It?

While this book was kind of heavy handed with the haves vs. have nots message, it did have some nice characters. And the poetry style means there are only about three words on every page. A quick read that doesn't make you memorize a lot of dates and cities.

Bonus Factor: Poetic Novel

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This is the kind of poetry that tells a story, not the kind that rhymes. This means we get to hear from all kinds of different viewpoints, including the jungle animals and trees. Spoiler alert: they're not on board with the canal thing.

Bromance Status: My Friend Died of Malaria in the Middle of the Panamanian Jungle, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

Okay, 25,000 laborers died in the effort, but it secured the United States as a world power. And it got us this book! So it was kind of worth it.

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Back in July, our own Bianca raved about Brandon Sanderson's Steelheart, saying that this superhero adventure "wrapped all the things I love into a new universe." Now the sequel, Firefight, is finally out, and we're giving away a copy!

And just in case you need to catch up, we're throwing in the first book too. For a chance to win this prize pack, leave a comment with an answer to this question: If you could have any superpower, what would it be? (This giveaway is open to U.S. residents only.)

For those of you who are ready for the next round of badassery, here's the scoop on Firefight:

Brandon Sanderson is back with a vengeance in Firefight, the follow up to the #1 New York Times bestselling Steelheart. In the book that Kirkus Reviews is calling a “rare middle volume that keeps the throttle open,” Sanderson takes readers on another a thrill ride and “presents a Marvel Comics-style mix of violently destructive battles, fabulous feats and ongoing inner wrestling over morality and identity.”

David Charleston still can’t believe it. Steelheart is dead, and he died by David’s own hand. Even the Reckoners had never killed a High Epic, but the invincible has fallen and now Newcago is free. Despite attaining revenge for the murder of his father and living his dream as a team member of the most elite Reckoners cell, David finds he has more questions than ever before, and he won’t find the answers in his home city.

Babylon Restored, the city formerly known as Manhattan, could hold the key. Ruled by the mysterious and ambivalent High Epic Regalia, Babylon Restored is a place flooded with water and painted in neon, where the inhabitants spend most of their days lounging and nights partying. David can’t seem to understand the complacency of the city and its residents, but what he does understand is that being positioned here, risky as it may be, could lead him to the answers he so desperately seeks. Because there is an emptiness in him, one left behind after killing Steelheart, that was filled unexpectedly by Firefight, who is just plain Megan to him. And David will stop at nothing to find a way to understand Epics and bring her back to him. Hopefully for good this time.

Check out an excerpt from the book here!

Visit the author online at www.BrandonSanderson.com
Follow Brandon on Twitter: @BrandSanderson

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Speedy Synopses:

Gotham 1x14: The Fearsome Dr. Crane

Gotham gives us a case of whiplash this week (no pun intended/#toosoon?) by including a whole slew of action. A new villain has come to play, and he’s making himself known in brutal ways—by killing people via the means they’re most afraid of. (He’s also harvesting their adrenal glands ...) Jim and Harvey are on the case, natch, and Harvey hooks up with a pretty woman who might be involved, through her phobia support group. She gets a little too involved when trying to make nice with a fellow group member, a Dr. Gerald Crane. (And suddenly, the adrenal gland business makes more sense.) Crane nearly drowns her, but Harvey saves her in the nick of time.

Elsewhere in Gotham, Bruce returns his keys to Barbara’s penthouse and finds Selina’s been squatting. She continues to lie about not seeing Bruce’s parents’ murderer’s face—say that three times fast—and so Jim goes to talk to Bruce. Bruce eventually absolves Jim of the case, but I doubt that’s the last we’ve heard of it. Fish has set sail for parts unknown, but her ride is stopped by pirates (?) and she readies for the fight. Maroni’s on to Penguin, and takes him out into the country to learn more about his double-crossing nature. Penguin, somewhat stupidly, falls for Maroni’s tricks, and finds himself nearly flattened in a junkyard. Thanks to the greed of humanity, however, he makes it out alive, but his double-crossing days have certainly come to an end.

Agent Carter 1x5: The Iron Ceiling

Agent Carter has a posse! This week's episode of Agent Carter is its own riff on the road trip episode of television shows. And with only three episodes left in the run, the various plot threads and bread crumbs are starting to meld and payoff together into a cohesive whole. But oh gosh, this was a great episode, and truthfully I haven't had this much fun since probably the pilot. The episode opens with a flashback to 1937 where Russia is training young girls in breaking out of handcuffs, diction like Snow White, hand to hand combat, and the occasion neck snapping of someone you just broke bread with. Dottie's such a great force in her short time being a player on the Agent Carter stage.

The rest of the episode wastes little time as the Magic Fringe typewriter/analog gChat device spits out a coded message that Carter easily decodes (no thanks to the palooka codebreaker sent from Arlington) and reveals map coordinates and logistical details for a weapons deal and exchange from Leviathan, directly implicating Stark as a the traitor the SSR thinks he is. Chief Dooley wastes little time in sending in a tactical team to Belarus. Carter wants in on the mission, seeing as she's the one who cracked the code, and given her time during the war knows the most about Europe. Thompson doesn't want her along to be babysat, nor Dooley wants a woman's blood on his hands if she bites it while over there (although he's more than willing to send in the SSR's only other two minority agents, Lee and Ramirez). The only reason she's allowed to come is because she got the legendary Howling Commandos to come with.

Aside from the intentional/unintentional Aliens reference to the parachute drop being Thompson's first actual one (eight training drops!), Carter is in her element in the field, easily being the boss we fell in love with during the first Captain America movie. The re-introduction of the Howling Commandos and Neal McDonough's glorious mustache return. That moment feels like introducing your SQUAD (tm) to a bunch of lowly jabronis who've been bullying you. Their mission leads them to the abandoned Russian training school for little girls with pigtails and murderous tendencies, where they discover a jailed engineer and his psychiatrist who've been tasked by Leviathan to build a stolen Stark schematic for them. Firefight shoot time eventually happens where Peggy is a boss, and saves a Thompson who breaks during the fight. Thompson, for all his bluster was hiding the fact that he earned his Navy Cross for shooting six surrendering Japanese soldiers on Okinawa, and burying their white flags before anybody wised up, and he's been living with that lie since he got back from the war, and Carter was the first person he told.

Stateside, Dooley is still looking into the events at Finnow, to discover Stark and an Army general got into a fistfight, and he visits with Jarvis to try and get some clarification and truth on what happened. Dottie infiltrates Peggy's apartment, discovers hidden photos of Stark inventions, and a photo of Steve Rogers on her vanity. Sousa puts it together that the blond women in Spider's club was Carter. Thompson inviting Carter out for drinks, did anybody else mark out at that? We are in the home stretch, everybody. (Paolo S.)

The Flash 1x12: Crazy For You

Another metahuman appears (haha, get it?!) to cause trouble in Central City; trouble that includes freeing her shady boyfriend from jail and stealing in order to pay back the men he owes before the two of them can skip town. Handily, Shawna’s (a.k.a, Peek-A-Boo … you tried, Caitlin) powers are teleportation; unfortunately for Barry, it’s hard to catch something or someone who’s essentially faster than he is. During the investigation, Barry gets to see and talk with his dad, Henry. It’s all good bonding until Henry goes and gets himself stabbed while looking for info that might help with the case. Ultimately, Team Flash discovers her weakness—the dark—and makes ready a room for her in their subterranean prison. (I find myself wondering: who feeds these criminals? Where do they sleep and/or shower?)

In the much more interesting side plot, Barry and Caitlin realize that they’re much too awesome to be pining for what they can’t have. So the two hit a divey karaoke bar, where Caitlin proves brains don’t always go hand in hand with singing chops, and Barry surprises everyone (except those of us who saw him on Glee) with his angelic vocals. *heart eyes for days* Barry meets someone new; Caitlin gets a wicked hangover.

While everyone else is off having fun, Hartley dupes Cisco into letting him out of prison, but in doing so, Cisco learns more about what happened to Ronnie (i.e., the reactor explosion melded his body (and personality?) with a Dr. Martin Stein).

Oh, and the episode ends with two city workers checking into mysterious noises coming from the sewers. Said mysterious noises were quite ape-like, I’m thinking.

Arrow 3x12: Uprising

Team Arrow is still Oliver-less as they scramble to try and save The Glades from Brick the Cockney Gangsta’ and his Merry Band of Thugs. I’m not sure why the National Guard couldn’t be called in but then our heroes wouldn’t get to save the day I suppose. Laurel has upped her training game with Ted Grant and it shows as she and Roy do damage control in The Glades. Once they figure out that Brick and his men are communicating via walkie talkies Felicity is able to pinpoint their headquarters—the police precinct.

Speaking of police, Captain Lance assists Team Arrow as best he can and provides comic relief when he meets up with Arsenal and is basically like, “I know it’s you, Harper, even in your fancy-nancy super-suit.” Roy’s a bit sad that he no longer needs Ollie’s cool voice modifier and our suspicions that Lance has long known that Oliver is the Arrow are confirmed. Lance’s confidence is shaken by Sin (SIN! YOU’RE BACK!), who informs him that the Blonde Lady he sees crimefighting isn’t Sarah.

Merlyn has the Arrow Cave bugged (which explains a lot) and sees the intel come in reporting that Brick is actually the man responsible for killing his wife, and not the poor sod he killed 21 years ago. Also, can we talk about how sad Merlyn’s flashback wig is? THAT HAIRLINE.  Thea continues to stand by him even though he’s a remorseless killer. It’s quite a juxtaposition between Team Arrow fighting to save people in The Glades and Thea in her luxury penthouse practicing martial arts in order to keep herself safe.

Oliver continues to heal and decides it’s a good time to head home. Is there a hidden Starling City-Asia Concord route that only Oliver knows about because I have no idea how he gets there and back so quickly. ANYWAYS. Merlyn offers his help in saving The Glades and Diggle makes the final decision for Team Arrow; even though they need him desperately they’re not going in with Malcolm Merlyn. Instead they round up all of their friends, including Sin and Ted Grant, and residents of The Glades and go ALL IN on Brick and his crew. Oliver gets home just in time to help them defeat Brick and make a grandiose speech on top of a turned-over truck. He later approaches Merlyn because he knows that in order to defeat Ra’s he needs to learn to fight like him. Felicity is furious and washes her hands of Oliver and frankly, I’m a little disappointed in her. Hopefully in the light of day she’ll see the grey instead of just black and white. (Amanda R.)

Hero of the Week: Peggy, Agent Carter

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I’ve been waiting all season for Peggy to finally prove to the men she’s working with that she’s worth more than all of them combined. Not only did she survive a dangerous mission in enemy territory and show her co-workers that the Howling Commandos do what she says, but she was sympathetic and caring and downright nice to Douchebag McGee Thompson regardless of how crappy he always is to her. Now that’s heroic.

Villain of the Week: Dr. Gerald Crane, Gotham

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Although he wasn’t super scary, the fact that he’s the driving force behind Scarecrow (or so it seems from the previews for next week) makes him a force to be reckoned with. Plus, the man is not afraid to get brutal when he comes to killing his victims. Watching Crane push a man off a roof with a noose around his neck made my stomach flip-flop quite viciously.

Troy Barnes Award for Evoking The Feelz:

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(GIFs via captainsassymills)

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Clark Kent Moment of Duh:

The fact that Det. Lance can tell it’s Roy underneath the “leather and lace,” but he still has no idea that Oliver is Arrow made me laugh out loud. Inversely, I love that Barry’s dad knows he’s the Flash, but won’t force him to come right out and say it. Henry deserves the Keith Mars Award for being such an awesome dad.

Ab-tastic:

Pretty much everyone stayed covered up this week. I suppose seeing the SSR agents (and Peggy) changing in the dressing room was that time-period’s equivalent of us seeing abs, but it’s just not the same.

Right in the Kisser:

Gotham: I love how awkward Jim was around Dr. Thompkins during their meeting, but man—guy’s got some serious moves, if that kiss in the precinct is any indication. The two of them are so much better together than he and Babs, but we all know (sadly) how this is going to end.

The Flash: Barry’s got a girlfriend! And she’s super cute. (And a CW regular—having been on both The Vampire Diaries and Star-Crossed. R.I.P. Star-Crossed.) I am excited to see where their relationship goes. She’s sassy, smart, and is breaking gender stereotypes (working as a sports reporter? You go, Linda.) Pretty sure Iris is going to have an interesting time working with her at the paper.

Arrow: OK, so. Don’t get me wrong. I love Felicity, but I wholly disagree with her stance at the end of this week’s episode. Yes, Merlyn’s the worst, but he’s also Ollie’s only option in this situation. Like Amanda said in her recap; I really hope she sleeps on this one and realizes the error of her ways.

Biff! Bam! Pow!

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(GIFs via believe-in-chemistry)

Y’all don’t even know how long I’ve been hoping that they’d make Barry sing.

News and Notes:

- Chrises Pratt and Evans made good on their Super Bowl bets. #tooadorableforwords

- Marvel Comics has announced an all-female Avengers team, A-Force, which will be co-written by G. Willow Wilson (Ms. Marvel).

- DC has announced 24 new titles and new author/illustrator pairings, including Brandon Fletcher (Batgirl) writing for Black Canary. Also, Starfire’s getting an outfit that actually covers her boobs.

- A 3-year-old cancer survivor dressed as Wonder Woman for her final day of chemo and won all of our hearts.

- Milo Ventimiglia (Gilmore Girls) is joining Gotham as villain The Ogre. I hope there’s makeup involved, because there is nothing ogre-like about this man.

- Luke Mitchell (The Tomorrow People) will appear on an upcoming episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. as an Inhuman, proving yet again that Marvel is doing things right by their TV and movie ‘verses.

- And, ICYMI: The first trailer for the new Netflix/Marvel series Daredevil was released. It’s both literally and figuratively dark.

So what did you guys think of this week’s shows? Are you wishing for more Agent Carter as hard as I am? Let us know below.

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Welcome back to our TV Preview series! We’re here to check out TV’s midseason offerings (which we highlighted in our TV Preview: Midseason Shows post) and voice our opinions on what’s good, what’s bad, what’s meh, and what you can avoid at all costs.

Warning! Possible spoilers ahead.

Allegiance

Premiered: Feb. 5 on NBC (Watch online.)

Twitter Pitch

When your son gets a job with the CIA, your KGB past is likely to come a’ knockin.’ #surprise #nowonderyouknowrussiansowell

Familiar Faces

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Morgan Spector as Victor Dobrynin

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Kenneth Choi as Sum Luttrell

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Hope Davis as Katya O’Connor

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Scott Cohen as Mark O’Connor

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Margarita Levieva as Natalie O’Connor

Faces That Might Become Familiar (If You Keep Watching)

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Gavin Stenhouse as Alex O’Connor

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David Vadim as Arkady Isakof

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Alexandra Peters as Sarah O’Connor

Redeeming Qualities

Emily: Max Medina and Hope Davis! I'm such a fan of both of them. I also really like Margarita Levieva (from Revenge). I wasn't sure about the premise, especially with The Americans currently being on FX, but I'm into it. I like the family dynamics, the twists and turns, and that the parents will do anything to protect their children. It gives the show some actual stakes.

Mandy: At first glance, I, too, thought this show sounded awfully like The Americans. But the plot was different, in a good way. I’m interested by the parents, and how their past will haunt their children, or how they’ll get out from underneath it all. Plus, I find the idea of Alex’s character, and his apparent flaws, intriguing.

It's Not Me, It's You

Emily: This is the replacement for Parenthood, and it starts with a man being burned alive? That is not OK. I almost stopped watching immediately. It's hard to go from a show that I LOVED and felt was so based in reality to one that is completely high concept and glossy. The characters are stiff, especially Alex, who isn't quite socially awkward enough to make him interesting. He just seems like a really nice guy who happens to be a crazy genius, but I'm supposed to believe he's "different" because the other characters tell me he is. And I also think it might be a character choice, but going in and out of the accents (mainly Hope Davis) kept throwing me out of the story.

Mandy: Oh, Hope Davis. Please either use a Russian accent or use your normal voice. The switching between the two was super distracting. Also: I hope the people who were apparently really awesome spies previously up their game, because they failed pretty miserably at being spy-like in this first episode. Thirdly: Please stop putting so much makeup on Scott Cohen.

Let's Do This Again

Emily: While I was entertained, the pilot didn't blow me away. However, the ending of this episode was a brilliant way to hook people in. I really want to see what Mark and Katya tell Alex, and how many double crossings they're going to have to do to protect themselves. The second episode could make it or break it for me as to if I stick around, but I'm at least interested enough to tune in to see what happens next.

Mandy: I am a sucker for a good thriller, and most of the crime procedurals that premiered this year have left me wanting. I will definitely give this show another episode or two, and I’m not swearing to a long-term commitment, but there’s promise here.

Did you watch Allegiance? If so, let us know your thoughts below!

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One week ago, the mesmerizing graphic novel This One Summer won a Caldecott Honor and a Printz Honor! The Caldecott is given to the year's most distinguished American picture book for children, and This One Summer is the first graphic novel ever (!!) to be recognized for the award. It's also the second graphic novel ever (after Gene Luen Yang's American Born Chinese) to be recognized by the Printz. (Super cool, right?!) 

Today, we have the creators of This One Summer (and cousins), writer Mariko Tamaki and illustrator Jillian Tamaki, stopping by the FYA lockers for a quick chat! 

Congrats on the honours! How did you each find out the news? Have you had time to celebrate with each other yet?

JILLIAN TAMAKI: I was lying in bed when I got the call! Best wakeup call ever.

MARIKO TAMAKI: Haven't celebrated yet although I did just receive a pretty awesome gift of champagne from our publisher.

Dang! That First Second sure knows how to treat their authors right! 

What inspired the story of This One Summer? What was the creative process like?

MT: I've always wanted to tell a summer cottage story. It just always seemed like the perfect set up to talk about being a kid.

JT: The creative process is kind of hard to distill down to a paragraph. It's pretty nebulous. But basically, for the most part, we work separately but come together at certain points to edit (text, sketches).

This One Summer, and [winner of many baller accolades] Skim before it, clearly prove that the two of you create fantastic work together. When did you first get the idea to work together?

JT: Mariko came across an opportunity to do a 25-page comic. That was the first version of Skim. We had no hopes or dreams for it, we just thought it would be a cool little book and a chance to dip our toes into comics. I had been doing minicomics before, but Skim was my first narrative story.

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Did you ever collaborate on anything when you were kids? What was your relationship like back then? Did you get to hang out a lot even though you grew up on opposite sides of the country?

JT: No collaborations! I grew up in Calgary and Mariko grew up in Toronto, which are on opposite sides of Canada (which is a very big country). I didn't know Mariko really at all until I went to college at Queen's University, which [is] not far from Toronto. Now I see her more often than my parents.

Are the two of you working on another collaboration? Any individual projects?

JT: My webcomic, SuperMutant Magic Academy, is being collected and released by Drawn and Quarterly in the Spring. It's different from the books I do with Mariko, but it still has disaffected teens. Which is a great, timeless theme.

THE YA QUESTIONS 

If your real life adolescence was a YA book...

What would you, the main character, be like?

JT Sarcastic and annoyed. Waiting for real life to start.

MT: Introverted. A chronic day dreamer.

Who is your secret crush?

JT: John Lennon. The same kid you've had a crush on for 6 years, plus a rotating cast of lesser-crushes.

MT: Back then it was usually a camp counsellor. Love those ball caps. Currently, Amy Poehler.

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Sigh, who DOESN'T have a crush on Amy Poehler?! MONSTERS, THAT'S WHO.

What is your number #1 source of angst?

JT: Everything? You.

MT: Me.

At what point would the reader pump his/her fist in victory?

JT: I can't remember any fist-pumping moments.

MT: Probably when I came out.

That's DEFINITELY fist-pump worthy!

And who would play you in the film adaptation?

JT: I can't think of any half-Japanese actors or actresses! Lucy Van Pelt.

MT: Amy Poehler.

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The resemblances are uncanny!

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Photo credit (Mariko): Sorrell Scrutton

Thanks so much for stopping by, Mariko and Jillian! 

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The Road So Far

We’ve finally arrived, Supernatural superfans. It’s week eleven of the rewatch project and the end of season one. Watch as Winchesters reunite. Dazzle at Bobby Singer’s first appearance. Gasp as the boys square off against the son of a bitch that killed their mom and ruined their childhood. (Try not to giggle too much when Meg is exorcised in a huff of black smoke.)

Cheers to facing our demons!

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THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME

Take a drink every time:

•  Dean or Sam flashes a badge and passes for federal law enforcement despite being clad in denim and/or flannel

•  A demon possesses some hapless schmuck

•  The camera gives tight artistic focus to blood being splattered

•  Dean enjoys a cheeseburger crams his face full of junk food

•  Sam purses his lips passive aggressively

•  Either brother picks a lock

•  Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias

•  The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty

1x20: Dead Man’s Blood

Monster of the Week: Vampires

A horde of good-looking, disheveled twenty-somethings attack an old man in his home. He’s a hunter though and uses a couple of tricks to slow them down long enough to retrieve an ancient revolver from his safe. But before he can fire it, the pretty people descend upon him and their leader claims the gun for her own.

While investigating the hunter’s death, the boys run into Papa! He and the old man were friends and he’d left an “in case of death” letter for John, detailing his possession of a mystical revolver. Legend has it that Samuel Colt made this special pistol for an old-timey hunter (who, I assume had a handlebar mustache) along with thirteen bullets that could kill anything.

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The Baker’s Dozen of EVIL

After a half dozen bullets were expended, both hunter and mystical gun disappeared. And now it’s in the hands of the good-looking disheveled twenty-somethings who are, of course, vampires. When Papa explains this, Sam and Dean are nonplussed, having previously believed that vampires didn’t exist. Papa said they’re nearly extinct and don’t follow popular lore.

A Supernatural Vampire Primer: They can only be killed by beheading. Sunlight hurts, as does dead man’s blood. They used to be human, they mate for life, and they totes want to suck your blood.

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Also? Really jacked-up grills.

These particular vampires are lead by Luther. OMG, REALLY?

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Not this one.

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*stifles disappointed sigh* This one.

The Winchesters break in to the vampires’ nest, hoping to steal back the Colt. It doesn’t go well. They make it out alive, but without the gun. Next idea? Using Dean as bait. He pretends to have car trouble (as if The Glorious and Faithful Impala would ever give a moment’s trouble) and lures out Disappointing Luther’s vampire mate. She gets weirdly sexual, as vampires are wont to do, but Dean draws the line at necrophilia. Don’t get judgy, Dean. WWBD? While she vamps (heh) Sam and Papa pop up from the shadows, shooting her with a crossbow arrow dipped in dead man’s blood. It acts like a poison, weakening her to the point of capture.

They try to trade her back to her compatriots for the Colt. But during the exchange, Disappointing Luther manages to get the drop on Sam, grabbing him and going for his neck. Without a moment of hesitation, Papa spends a mystical bullet in Disappointing Luther’s forehead. Bad news? They’re down to four bullets. Good news? The gun definitely works.

Brotherly Angst Quotient: Jagged Little Pill

The Winchester family reunion doesn’t go smoothly. Papa acts like a jerk, holding back information and acting like a general bossypants. He even criticizes Dean’s care of The Glorious and Faithful Impala, which is just mean, John.

Sam isn’t having it. He gets up in Papa’s face, and things get full-on aggro between the two as poor Dean tries to make peace. But later, father and son make up, John confessing that he never wanted this life for Sam and Dean. Before the demon attacked, he’d even set up college funds. He apologizes for raising them like a drill sergeant rather than a dad and says he can accept the fact that they’re different. Sam points out that they actually have a lot in common (though he mostly seems to reference their flambéed blonde sweethearts).

Even with this reconciliation, Papa plans to leave after he gets the Colt. Dean finally revolts, saying it’s not fair to leave them behind. If Papa gets himself killed, he’ll always wonder if he could have saved him. In the end, they decide to find and kill the big, bad demon as a family. Just in case that’s too warm and fuzzy for you, darlings, please note that Papa spent those college funds on ammo.

Where in the World is Papa Winchester?: Fighting vampires with his boys!

How Drunk Are We?: Sociably. Thanks to locks picked and Sam’s pouts, take three drinks.

Soundtrack: “Trailer Trash” by 88 Crash.

The Quotable Winchesters: “Vampires. Gets funnier every time I hear it.” –Dean

Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:

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The Passion of the Winchesters

Notable Cameo:

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Dominic Zamprogna of Battlestar Galactica and General Hospital plays one of the vampires.

1x21: Salvation/1x22: Devil’s Trap

Monster of the Week: Meg, Her Big Brother, and Daddy Demon

Meg (boo, hiss) shows up at a church and does her horrible flirty thing with a pastor before revealing herself as a demon and attacking. But it turns out the pastor is a hunter! He retreats to a church arsenal. Too late though. She captures him and demands intel on the Winchesters. When he won’t give it up, she slits his throat.

Meanwhile, Papa has been tracking the demon that killed his wife. It’s been reappearing lately, going after families with six-month-olds. Certain signs point to the thing surfacing in Salvation, Iowa next. The Winchesters are on the case!

Sam has psychic visions of the family to be attacked. Papa and sons plan to stake out the house and kill the demon when it appears. But Meg throws a wrench in the works! She calls and demands to talk to John.

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“krch…Oh. Meg. I’m going through a…krch…can’t hear…*hangs up* *snickers*

Over the phone, she slaughters one of Papa’s close hunter friends. More will follow, she says, unless he meets her and hands over the Colt. John plans to double cross her, heading off with a pawn shop pistol. He hopes to fool her long enough for Sam and Dean to kill the demon. Not a bad plan, except Meg brings her demon brother to the meet as back up. Soon as Papa hands over the gun?

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Big brothers, amirite?

When Meg doesn’t die (boo, hiss), they realize it’s a fake. Though John leads them a merry chase, they eventually grab him.

Meanwhile, Sam and Dean stake out the house in Iowa and talk about their feelings to the point where they almost miss the demon’s approach. The nice suburban mom is pinned to the ceiling by the time they arrive, with the demon hovering over the baby.

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Angst on your own time, Winchesters.

At the last possible moment, the boys rush into the room and catch a glimpse of the thing that killed their mother.

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Rosemary’s baby, all grown up.

Sam fires a mystical bullet straight for the yellow-eyed demon. But before it lands, the thing dissipates into smoke. The crib catches on fire and the boys barely manage to hustle the family out of the house before it goes up in flames. Sam has to be physically restrained from running back inside to take another shot at the demon watching from the burning window.

Back at the motel, they call Papa and Meg answers! There are horrified looks all around as she says they’ll never see him again.

TO BE CONTINUED, darlings!

Right now, as it turns out.

Meg’s got Papa, the yellow-eyed demon is still alive and Dean says he and Sam have to book it before they’re tracked down too. They head to see an old friend. It’s BOBBY!

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He’s one of my top five favorite coots.

In the space of two minutes Bobby offers them whiskey, mentions trying to shoot their father, and drops some relevant demon statistics on them, gruffly saying, “There’s a storm coming.” In other words, Bobby is the best. He’s also right. Meg shows a moment later, throwing Dean into a wall and demanding the Colt. While she villain monologues, Sam keeps edging away, almost like he’s leading her somewhere.

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OHHHH! You’ve been devil-trapped, son!

Turns out the Winchesters anticipated her stalkery ways and set up a devil’s trap, a rune that binds a demon in place, draining them of their power. They tie her to a chair and interrogate her about Papa’s location. Bobby is concerned they might hurt her, telling them that Meg the demon is riding an actual human girl. So they take another tack, starting an exorcism ritual. Demon Meg writhes in pain, eventually giving up the location where Papa is being held. Sam finishes the ritual, freeing the girl from the demon.

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Demon Meg is DEAD! *throws confetti*

Human Meg is grateful to be freed of the year-long nightmare she spent riding shotgun to that hideous creature. Still, she’s in bad shape due to the injuries her body sustained falling out that seven-story window in “Shadows,” and lives just long to tell them that the demons are holding Papa as a trap. The boys rescue Papa anyway, with Dean using one of the Colt’s precious bullets to kill Meg’s demon brother (also killing his human host) while they escape.

The Winchesters retreat to an abandoned farmhouse. Dean is scared about the extent to which he’s willing to go for his family, including killing that innocent guy. He’s also sorry for wasting one of the precious bullets. Papa comforts him.

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It’s everything Dean’s waited for his whole life. But when in the next breath, Papa asks for the gun, he realizes something’s off. Papa would have been furious he’d wasted the bullet. Dean trains the Colt on John. Sam’s got his brother’s back. The yellow-eyed demon possessing their father gives up and reveals himself, tossing the brothers against the walls and taking the gun.

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Yellow is NOT his color.

Demon Papa monologues, telling Sam and Dean that Meg and her brother were his kids and they’ll pay for their deaths. Furthermore, he killed Mama Winchester and Jess because they got in the way of his plans for Sam. What plans, you ask? I ask too, in a VERY LOUD VOICE, but my question fails to reach the demon (damn space time continuum) and sick of talking anyway, he begins psychically killing Dean.

But never count Papa Winchester out. He fights hard, clawing his way to resurface in control of his body long enough for Sam to get hold of the Colt. The demon takes control again, telling Sam that if he kills him, he’ll kill Papa too. “I know,” Sam says, shooting him in the leg. The demon disappears and Papa says he’s got a hold on him. He begs Sam to kill him, while Dean begs him not to. DRAMA, darlings!

In the end, Sam can’t do it. The demon escapes in a huff of black smoke. In The Glorious and Faithful Impala, Sam heads for the hospital while Papa berates him for his moment of weakness. And then, out of nowhere?

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Cliffhanger, y’all.

Brotherly Angst Quotient: Suicide watch

Sam’s willing to run into a burning building for a shot at destroying the demon and is furious when Dean stops him. Later, while possessing Papa, the yellow-eyed demon uses the Winchester’s issues to drive a wedge between them, being especially hard on Dean. He says Papa never loved him like he loves Sam and never will.

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Someone call 9-1-1, Jensen Ackles is trying to kill me with that face.

These episodes hammer home that Sam and Papa are so revenge-driven as to be suicidal while Dean just wants to hold them all together because he has built his entire sense of identity around them. Great. Now “Landslide” is stuck in my head. This is how angst is done, people.

Where in the World is Papa Winchester?: Iowa, Nebraska, scrunched down to a dark quarter of his soul while the yellow-eyed demon wears his “meat-suit.”

How Drunk Are We?: Clinically Dead! Between demons, badge flashes, pouts, and the TRAVESTY done to The Glorious and Faithful Impala, 11 drinks are belong to us.

Soundtrack: “Carry on Wayward Son,” by Kansas and “Bad Moon Rising” by Creedence Clearwater Revival.

The Quotable Winchesters: “You think you guys invented lying to the cops?” –Bobby Singer.

Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:

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Sam’s angst gets handsy.

Notable Cameos:

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Sebastian Spence of Battlestar Galactica plays Meg’s demon brother.

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Serinda Swan of Graceland and The Breakout Kings plays a receptionist Dean flirts with. Gotta start somewhere I guess!

Next week: Season 2 begins!

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BOOK REPORT for The Secret Service: Kingsman by Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons

Cover Story: What's in a Name?
BFF Charm: Meh
Swoonworthy Scale: 1
Talky Talk: Sausage Fest
Arty Art: Bloody Good Time
Bonus Factors: Spy Realism, Celebrities
Relationship Status: Friends with Benefits

Cover Story: What's in a Name?

Oh look, an English lad with neither proper gun-holding nor shoelace-tying technique, and some shadowy besuited dude looking on approvingly. This cover's pretty boring for the story it's representing.

The comic receives a slight name switcheroo for its upcoming adaptation, going from The Secret Service: Kingsman to Kingsman: The Secret Service. A change for the better, since the emphasis on the Secret Service makes me think of that Secret Service.

The Deal:

After a run-in with the law, Gary is bailed out by his Uncle Jack and offered an opportunity to finally make something of his life: join the family business and become a super-spy for MI6.

Meanwhile, a bunch of celebrities have been disappearing, and matrimony turns murderous with a massacre worthy of being a modern-day Red Wedding. How exactly are these strange incidents connected?

BFF Charm: Meh

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Gary's had a rough life, and rookie-learns-the-ropes is a classic trope. But I didn't find Gary himself to be all that interesting. Then again, it's tough for your personality to make a dent when you're paired up with a fully-formed super-spy like the Most Interesting Man in the World, aka Uncle Jack.

Swoonworthy Scale: 1

There really isn't any swoon in the way of love interests -- there might even be negative swoon -- but Uncle Jack can get it. A dapper gentleman with a sense of duty and honour who looks out for his family? HUMINA. 

Talky Talk: Sausage Fest

Look, I don't buy into the whole Girl Book vs. Boy Book bullshizz. But there is A LOT of testosterone here, and ladies are practically an afterthought: Gary's mom is stuck in a relationship with an abusive jerkhole, and the only other notable woman is the gf of the Big Bad Villain. Although women are severely underrepresented (and somewhat poorly, since the ones that do exist are basically damsels in distress), the story does try to have it both ways -- not giving female characters a lot to do, while trying not to look like a jerk -- by having the Big Bad Villain be the beacon of misogyny. So it knows what the distinction is; it's just not doing anything about it.

There are some stories that inherently feature more male characters than female ones, and that's perfectly fine. But there's nothing about this premise that requires a mostly male cast. Couldn't there have been even just one female spy in the periphery? Preferably one that doesn't become romantically involved with Gary or Jack? Or, hell -- even if all she does is supply gadgets, that'd still be an improvement. (Yes, scraps. I am even asking for scraps!) How quickly we forget the immortal words of America's greatest living poet.

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Arty Art: Bloody Good Time

The artwork is vivid and vibrant, none more so than all the spilled blood on the pages -- of which there is A LOT. The story dives right in with the carnage, so you'll figure out pretty quickly if this kind of thing is for you or not. 

Bonus Factor: Spy Realism

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As outlandish as this premise might be, Gary's spy training is v. rooted in realism. It takes more than a quick montage for him to learn the tricks of the trade.

Bonus Factor: Celebrities

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I generally like fictional depictions of celebrities (MATT DAMON!), so I was amused by how this story uses its famous cameos. And further amused when at least one of them will be in the movie, albeit not playing themselves. (There's basically no way in hell the comic cameos would have made it into the movie as they were.)

Casting Call:

A loose adaptation will be released this very week, and it looks gooooood. Plus, both Posh and Meredith have raved about it, and y'all know those ladies wouldn't lead us astray. 

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Taron Egerton as Gary

I know nothing about this guy, but based on the trailers, his Gary seems more fun and less dour than Comic Gary. And more shirtless. Which is to say, I have high hopes.

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Colin Firth as Harry Hart

The alliterative Harry Hart replaces Uncle Jack as Gary's mentor in the movie, and any choice that results in more Colin Firth is a good one. For an actual Uncle Jack casting, I'm picturing someone like a classy Jason Statham* -- maybe a British Joel Edgerton or an older Tom Hardy. (OK, I clearly have Warrior on the brain again.)

*Sorry, Statham, but you and I both know what I mean. Your characters wear suits only because they have to, not because they want to. 

Relationship Status: Friends with Benefits

The kind of fun I have with this graphic novel doesn't really stand up to scrutiny or in-depth analysis, but we have a good time when I need to scratch an itch. (An absurd and violent itch, but an itch nonetheless.) I'm looking forward to what this comic will be like in its next life as a movie, and finding out whether it'll make that leap from FWB to something more.

FTC Full Disclosure: I borrowed my review copy from the public library, and I received a Curtis Jackson overdue fine because of it. I received neither money nor froyo for writing this review (dammit!). The Secret Service: Kingsman is available now.

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Welcome back to the YA Movie News Roundup, where we have TONS of news this week. Unfortunately, most of it is Fifty Shades-related. But let's get to the hotness first!

SEXY RUMOR ALERT: Ryan Gosling may or may not join Emma Watson in Beauty and the Beast. Please let it be so!

And speaking of hotness, in case you missed it, a  Highly Scientific Analysis of the Magic Mike XXL trailer. Oh hello, sexy welding Channing:

And I guess if this is your thing, still speaking of "hotness": the Fifty Shades sequels have already been approved in light of crazy pre-sales for the first film.

In delicious schadenfreude news, Fifty Shades leads Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson hate each other.

In well, ooookay.... news: Target has been selling Fifty Shades sex toys.

In kinda funny news, Jimmy Fallon and Jamie Dornan read Fifty Shades passages in wacky accents.

In just the best news, this heinous cake is my favorite.

Because The Hunger Games basically prints money for Lionsgate, they want more movies. Prequels? Allrighty.

Universal has hired Lauren Oliver to adapt her own Panic for the screen, which is super cool. Read Posh's FYA review here.

Samuel L. Jackson is in negotiations to join Tim Burton's Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children.

Here's a new cut of every Harry Potter Snape scene, now in chronological order so we can see what a big old softie he actually is. 

Check out a handsome photo of Daniel Dae Kim as Jack Kang in Insurgent.

TBH, we LOVE this EXCLUSIVE #Insurgent still of Candor leader, Jack Kang,@danieldaekim don’t you?@Divergent DAPPER! pic.twitter.com/nUky7wuFJC

— TrisAndFour.com (@TrisAndFourSite) February 5, 2015

In not YA but relevant to our interests news (this is where the Magic Mike trailer should go, obviously, but I couldn't help but make it a priority in this post):

FYA patriarch Kyle Chandler has a new show for Netflix.

Netflix is also trying to develop a live-action Legend of Zelda series as a family-friendly Game of Thrones.

Aaaand Netflix is developing a Baz Luhrmann hip-hop drama series.

Outlander teaser!

Gillian Anderson on feminism.

Our fellas - and the amazing Rose Byrne - are coming back for Neighbors 2!

Some CW pickup news, including a Joe Hill Tales From the Darkside.

New Pitch Perfect 2 trailer.

And finally, the kickass Saved By the Bell reunion on Jimmy Fallon.

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Previously on The Originals: Finncent treats us all to even more monologues, Rebekah meets Freya, Klaus, Hayley, and Jackson come to an understanding, and Kol is locked in his body (hallelujah).

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Voted Best Hair in his high school class.

The Original Dysfunctional Family Drama

FINNCENT’S OEDIPAL FANTASYLAND: Finncent is reaching near-orgasmic levels of villainy, chanting, setting tables on fire, and throwing voodoo dolls. That is, until Freya shows up. Surprise, most manic brother! Freya confesses to Finn that she fled from Dahlia, who considers it an act of betrayal punishable by death. Finn is all, “blah blah blah yes whatever, sister I haven’t seen in a thousand years, but let’s talk about ME,” and wants to know more about Dahlia’s firstborn curse. When he mentions that Hope is hidden, Freya offers to find her.  “You have to let some things die so that others might live,” she says, resurrects a butterfly, and is rewarded with Finncent’s creepy manic smile. Okay, is this really Freya – or is she possessed by Dahlia?

Finncent sends Marcel off on a fool’s errand to collect Hayley’s blood, after a neat trick where he uses magic to remove the hearts of Marcel’s vampire army.

KLAUS’ KLASSY KOMPOUND: Elijah’s on speakerphone with Klaus and Rebekah, who fight over why Rebekah didn’t think to ask Freya if Dahlia is still alive. After they hang up, Klaus is informed that Finn has Marcel, and Kol saunters in, asking for help. When Klaus doesn’t believe him and wants information on the spell Finn is using, he just reaches out and pulls the information out of Kol’s head. This is all very well and good, except that he sees that Kol wanted to dagger him. Oops.

Kol’s response to Klaus’ (in my opinion, completely justified) anger is to disable Klaus and Rebekah and stroll right back out. Then he bursts into tears and promptly gets the sexiest nosebleed ever to grace the small screen. Right on cue, Finncent calls and tells Kol to get Klaus’ blood in exchange for Kol’s life. STOP PLACATING THE CRAZY BROTHER WHO IS NOT KLAUS.

He gets the blood while ranting angrily in Daniel Sharman’s goddamn sexy accent (seriously: thank you, writers), at which point Klaus says “I’m not going to kill you, you idiot!” They look into each other’s eyes meaningfully, and talk about family and brotherhood and stuff, but all I can think about is how #blessed we all are. Talk more, my poppets, TALK MORE.

Kol tells Klaus where to find Finn, and invites Klaus to get Finn’s spell from his head. When they go to Finn’s location, they find out – oh shit! – this was a red herring all along. Finn is off to find baby Hope. Kol and Rebekah try to overload Finn’s power so that he has no choice but to body-jump – somewhere far away from Hope.

BACK IN THE BAYOU: Everybody wants Hayley and Jackson to get it on, which is why they keep leaving brooms on the porch of Jackson’s house. It’s a werewolf tradition – engaged couples could “jump the broom,” aka get down and dirty, before marriage. (I’m going to guess the lack of broom, or engagement, even, never stopped anyone before.) Meanwhile, Jackson is building Hope a crib and managing other packs who want to join Hayley’s army. Between that and the combined powers of their gorgeous hair, I think things are working out pretty well for her.

When Marcel shows up and tells Hayley what’s up, she runs off to call Klaus. Jackson donates blood during the new Crescent pack ritual, helping Hayley and Marcel stall Finn. Meanwhile, Finn’s spell has sent Marcel’s vampire army to the bayou, blindly attacking the new pack. They retreat to a house, weathering the storm until Finn’s spell breaks.

HOPE’S HIDEAWAY FOR HYBRID HOMEBODIES: Hope scratches her head, Elijah almost goes into his red room freakout, but then Cami hands him a list of home improvement tasks. Which he proceeds to complete…in a suit. Never change, Elijah. Never change. (And thank you, writers.)

Finncent shows up while Cami and Hope are off at a farmer’s market. Since Dahlia would kill them all to get the newest Mikaelson, he is apparently planning to just give it to her so he doesn’t have to die. Finn stakes Elijah with magic and farm tools (why not!), and heads off to the house. While he’s screaming for Cami (who isn’t there), Elijah shows up for a little brotherly bonding. (Why do all the Mikaelson bonding sessions end into ruined houses?)

As Finn’s power is overloaded, Finn, Kol, and the bespelled vampires all collapse. “Family,” Klaus says, “is power.”

Meanwhile, Cami drives to the house, oblivious to what has been going on. Strangely enough, the car stops before they can quite get there. Could it be because THE BABY IS GIVING CAMI A DEAD-EYED STARE OF INFANT POWER? It’s as though she knows that Finn is inside, twirling his mustache yet again, while Elijah breaks a gas pipe, takes off his daylight ring, and blows them both to kingdom come.

And then, in the tiniest mic drop ever, Hope restarts the engine.

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"I didn't know they made microphones that small."

The Original Mythology

- To remain “immortal,” Dahlia cast a spell that would make her and Freya sleep for a century, then wake for a year.

The Original Body Count

- BYE FINN. (Although I’m sure he’ll be back somehow.)

The Original Elegant Uncle Elijah Ruined Suit Count: 4.5

- Whoa there Finncent, don’t touch the suit. At least the jacket wasn’t ruined.

The Original WTF

- “I would have been happier with a panini press,” says Hayley. HI HAVE YOU LOOKED AT YOUR FIANCE LATELY? TAKE THE BROOM.
- “Or we could go fishing and I could tell you about the summer I lost my virginity.” No one wants to know, Cami. No one. (I can’t tell if it’s the actress or the writing, but good lord that was a clunker of a line.)
- Guess Cami has Elijah’s number memorized.

The Original Joseph Morgan Award For Tortured Hot People

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Kol needs more angst-driven monologues. DAMN. I could listen to that voice all day.

Next episode: Don’t worry, Elijah’s okay. And it’s Hayley and Jackson’s wedding day.

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BOOK REPORT for Seeker (Seeker #1) by Arwen Elys Dayton

Cover Story: Shine Bright
BFF Charm: Eventually
Swoonworthy Scale: 4
Talky Talk: Past Meets Future
Bonus Factor: Mysteries to Unravel
Bonus/Anti-Bonus Factor: Series Starter
Relationship Status: Holding Back

I’ll totally admit, Seeker piqued my interest at “Scotland” and “fantasy.” Oddly enough, the book kept my interest through its lack of answers to its many questions. I can’t resist diving into a world in which I figure things out along with the characters.

Check out my full review over at our series on Kirkus.

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Did you know when you woke up this morning that it was going to be the greatest day of 2015 so far? Because the full length Pitch Perfect 2 trailer is all I can talk about, and I need you to watch it (over and over again) and talk about it with me.

Are you ready? I mean, are you REALLY READY?

OMG, I've missed those weirdos! They all look amazing, Elizabeth Banks is delightful, and this is going to be the best movie since the last Pitch Perfect.

I cannot wait, I cannot even. I am so ready. See you guys on May 15 (aka the next greatest day of 2015)!

Please tell me HOW EXCITED YOU ARE in the comments! What are you looking forward to most? Where have they hidden my boyfriend, Jesse? Also? Damn right, Fat Amy is the hot one.

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Lucky 13! AKA, the one where everything changes.*

*jk that's every week.

THIS WEEK'S MVP(arent)

Villanuevas-de la Vegas win!

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…except Jane, who was right to analyze her decision to go through with the procedure as selfish, regardless of Rafael's supportive protestations to the contrary. But Alba, Xo and Ro? Each had more than one shining moment of parenting this episode, including the mutual parenting betwen Alba and Xo during their heart-to-heart about Xiomara's father and Alba honoring his memory.

Runner up: Emilio, for not being Sin Rostro after all! Too bad you're too dead to accept the trophy, man.

BEST TELENOVELA TWIST

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BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT

In terms of fluidity, Xo name-dropping Target when talking about how excited Rafael was by his graduation plans. It fit the dialogue perfectly.

However, there was also this:

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Never change, Rogelio. 

PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN

Jane was accidentally inseminated! Old news. Also, her surprise telenovela star father, Rogelio, was "fired" from his job as a telenovela star and is struggling to find meaning in his exceptional life. Petra was finally tracked down by ex-lover/acid-thrower Milos, who concocted a false throat-cutting plan with her to prove that her mother Magda has been able to walk the entire time. Petra threw her out, and is now taking comfort for all the terrors in her life in super trustworthy jilted fiancé Lachlan's arms. Also remember how that dbag Zaz was impaled to death on the ice horn of a swordfish? Good. He was Sin Rostro's man, who it turns out was running a secret criminal plastic surgery ring from the basement of the Marbella. Michael and Nadine have found evidence that Solano, Sr. was the one running the ring/murdering his lackeys, but nope! He was murdered himself…by Rose. His wife/SIN ROS(E)TRO.

THIS WEEK

Our tentpole flashback is brief, showing ten yo Jane asking a very patient nurse a billion questions about needles and needle pain before releasing her tiny vice grip on the woman's arm and allowing her to administer a shot. "Jane is bad with needles," Voice of God narrator tells us. "And letting go." PUNNY RIMSHOT.

Always Wear Sunscreen

Also bad at letting go is Xiomara, who in the present day has her arms wrapped vicelike around Jane's baby belly, while Alba kneels in front of them pinning up the hem of Jane's graduation dress. Yep! Graduation day is finally here (…in two days. Let go, Xo!)! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TIME OF YEAR IT IS.

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Jane is excited about graduation of course, but is equally excited for her next doctor's appointment, where they will get 3D pictures of the baby (this is a thing?) and will find out the gender.

"Right but what if we DON'T do that" Raf suggests, as the ultrasound technician starts spreading jelly on Jane's stomach at the appointment. Because I guess Raf hasn't had enough surprises in his life lately? Anyway, Jane shoots him down, partly because A) Villanuevas always have girls, but also B) she is a PLANNER. So yes, lady technician. They will be learning the gender today, thank you.

Only, the technician isn't enjoying Jane and Raf's adorable discussion as much as we are, instead staring fixedly at the baby screen. Jane immediately knows something is wrong and tries to wrestle it from the technician, who hedges a billion times abou how only the doctor is allowed to read the results before Raf finally has the presence of mind to interrupt the loop and suggest she go get the doctor.

Raf, just in case you hadn't already determined, is a superhero this episode. Like, legit "we will probably find a costume and secret hero lair" level of superhero. (Next week on JtV, a special appearance by THE FLASH!).

The doctor returns to read the results, and the what they are is…inconclusive. There is a bright spot called an echogenic focus over the baby's heart, which could EITHER indicate chromosomal abnormalities, OR nothing at all. They'd need to stick a giant needle into Jane to take a fetal tissue sample to be sure—a procedure with a 1 in 300 risk of miscarriage. And also: the doc gets booked fast, so make a decision about this huge procedure soon, thanks.

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After a long discussion with her mom and abuela about how the procedure's only purpose would be to give Jane information with which she could start making plans—she would definitely not get an abortion this deep into the pregnancy, she informs Xo/assures Alba—Jane decides not to have it. It wouldn't change the outcome, and would just make her worry. Raf is super on board with this decision when Jane tells him during their goodnight phone call, and tells her to sleep well. And she DOES.

Just kidding. She does the exact thing he stopped her from doing that day she took him on his first bus ride: goes on WebMD and spends the whole night researching all the possible abnormalities and echogenis focus could indicate.

Sothe next day, instead of getting ready for graduation, she sits her family (now including Rogelio) down and explains her new decision. She can't let it go. She trusts the doctor. She has faith. And as far as graduation goes, skipping it in order to accomodate the busy doctor's schedule/48-hour enforcced bedrest is no big deal. It's just a ceremony.

Accompanied by Raf, Xo and Alba, Jane returns to the doctor's office, where, just like when she was ten, she has him count down from three before he plunges the needle in…

Petra's Big (Heart) Break

Almost as uncomfortable as Jane at this moment is Petra, who may not have a foot-long needle in her stomach, but does have this:

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Milos, you see, still loves Petra. And she should love him, too! Besides, Magda only got A BIT burned from that acid he threw at her—and what Magda did to Petra was way worse! "You are kidding," Petra deadpans. "I NEVER KID" Milos screams to the whole hotel lobby. Then he starts a breathing exercise and suggests the two of to attend couples therapy.

"Exactly zero people should blame me and my solid gold blinders wrt Scheming Lachlan, given what you are presenting me with right now," Petra responds, before swanning off to the side of that very schemer.

Those solid gold blinders do their job, too, leaving Petra alone and shocked on the front steps of the Marbella later that night, after Lachlan reveals that she has not packed her entire life into half a dozen designer suitcases in rder to join him at a new posting in Spain, so much as she has done so to sneakily kick HERSELF out of the Marbella. Because PSYCH, sister! Lachlan hates you and still holds a huge grudge about that broken engagement, and karma is a witch.

Fortunately (????), Milos is there to catch Petra as she free falls. He has had some of his (expensive! dangerous!) people look into Lachlan, you see, and he's no so charmi—oh, what's that? You broke up? Well then please accept this parting gift of a 33% share in the Marbella's ownership, which he purchased through his "family" business and intends to share control of with Petra.

From fire to fire, that girl is hopping. Sigh.

Sin ROH!stro, or: Michael Finally Does Something Right

Hot on the heels of the big "Emilio is SIn Rostro!" break in the case procured by Michael illegally snooping through the computer files of Miami's only plastic surgery clinic while on suspension for illegally tailing Rafael while obssessing over Jane, Michael and Nadine return to the Marbella to grill Rafael—and Rose!—about the incredibly inconceivable to Michael notion that Emilio could have been running a secret crime ring literally underneath their feet without Rafael knowing anything about it.

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"I literally gave you complete access to my whole hotel and also every single piece of even maybe-evidence that I could think of and ALSO zero slaps in the face," Raf respons, heroically still not slapping Michael in the face. "And if he contacts me for money or any other form of aid while on the lam, I will obviously also contact you immediately."

"Anyway, we are all just so shocked," Rose interjects supportively, sipping her noon mojito and really leaning into her mesmerizing hair game. "Just SO SHOCKED."

Emilio's former assistant, Scott, leans into the room then to remind Rafael of his and Jane's ultrasound appointment, and he looksprimed to drop some knowledge that may or may not break the Sin Rostro case one more time, but he gets a flash of Rose's har game and chickens out.

Turns out, the secret Scott was keeping was that Emilio had a mistress, who Michael and Nadine bring down for questioning that afternoon. "Do you have NSFW timestamped sex selfies to prove his alibi?" Nadine asks. "DO I EVER," says the mistress. 

Rose, for what it is worth, is genuinely surprised to hear about Emilio's affair. And then she surprises US by revealing, as she calls a mysterious other person to declare that their timeline needs to move up, that her mesmerizing hair game IS A LIE.

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How do we even live now?

Armed with evidence that precludes Emilio from being Disgusting Tom's murderer, Michael and Nadine call Scott the Assistant down for questoning, too. "Well, you know," he hedges, "guy code…

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Michael at last being my hero.

…so I didn't want to say anything until now."

A light LITERALLY goes on over Michael's head (thanks Nadine!) as he finally puts one and a billion plastic surgery recovery suite plan clues together to point the Sin Rostro finger at Rose. "We found all this evidence that pointed to Emilio, but why didn't we ever think how it just as easily pointed to HER?!" he laments. A) WE nothing. YOU laid the blame on Rafael, while Nadine was busy ferreting out the Emilio angle. B) I called Rose from that very recovery suite plan scene. I watch a LOT of tv.

Anyway, by the time they send officers to apprehend Rose, she's cleaned out her rooms and disappeared.

Poll time! Last week, there was a dead even split between those who thought Emilio was dead for sure, and those who bought into (or really, really want) my evil twin theory. This week, let's take a stab at predicting who Rose's phone call partner is…

The Passions of Sandwiches

Despite Xiomara's words of wisdom and support at the news of Santos' death, Rogelio has spent the last two weeks of show time spiraling, half-living at the Villanuevas' as he eats his way through a hundred grilled cheese sandwiches and engages in heated bidding wars on eBay to distract from the heated bidding war over his acting services.

"Job offers?!" Xo asks, sounding too much like everyone's mom. "AUDITION offers," Ro says, disgusted. They want to test his American accent! THE NERVE! Still, work via audition is better than no work at all, Xo the nagging mom says, so Ro gives it a shot.

Unfortunately, his American accent does not pass muster. Double unfortunately, WE DON'T GET TO HEAR IT. Triple unfortunately, he vents his frustrations with the entire showbiz industry to Xiomara's class of 10yo dance students (I missed you kiddos!). 

After banning him from all future dance classes, Xo suggests that Rogelio not close himself off to imperfect offers, regardless of the disappointment of this specific audition. He agrees, and within the day DOES get an offer. For a leading role! In a telenovela!

…in Mexico.

…for a year and a half.

RO DON'T GO.

Alba + Cheech, Flirting Over an Exercycle

Alba's new storyline is SO CUTE. She has apparently been going to physical therapy for her back (glad to see old plot threads not completely abandoned), and Xo is initially baffled by her anxiousness to get going. But when Xo returns to pick her mom up later and catches her flirting with a cute old stoner on the neighboring exercycle, she understands what is going on, and in true XIomara fashion encourages Alba to get her some.

"Yes!" chimes in Rogelio, when he figures out what Xo is talking about. "Any man would be luck to have Alba as his LOVER." The only valentine we need, just print it on a billion tshirts.

That night, as they are agreeing that Raf is actually pretty good for Jane and joking about his excitment at his plans for Jane and how he spent two whole hours in Target ("probably because he's never been there before!" Alba laughs, not knowing about the amazing Target date from several episodes back), Xo catches her mom off guard by asking her why she never dated after Xo's dad passed away.

"He came to this country for me, and worked so hard, and his heart gave out. For me. He deserves for me to honor his memory," Alba explains, as we all weep.

"Well," Xo replies, "don't close yourself off from the possibility of a second love forever." And Alba agrees.

Always Wear Sunscreen, Part II

Jane returns from the needle appointment sore and subdued. Rafael tucks her into bed, brings her orange juice (it makes the baby move around usually!), and lays down on a makeshift pallet of knit blankets on the floor next to her bed. When she can't sleep, he agrees to talk to her about anything other than the baby (namely, that he has made the decision to sell off part of the Marbella…like his father would have done, he says, even though Emilio's likely plans shouldn't really be a guiding light right now when everyone suspects him of being Sin Rostro, I'd argue). He promises he'd forgive Jane if her decision to go through with the appointment does end up costing the baby's life, and reassures her that her decision wasn't purely selfish, and that there wasn't a clear best choice. He does EVERYTHING, basically.

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He's such a perfect partner, *I'M* starting to suspect he's got something up his sleeve.

Anyway, the biggest and best thing that Rafael does is plan a surprise solo graduation ceremony at Jane's bedside, with Rogelio as the keynote speaker, and it is at this surprise ceremony that the award-worthy parenting really comes into focus. Ro tells Jane how proud he is of her, on this day that he has been awaiting for the two and half months he has known her. He even ignores a call from his agent to continue his speech! 

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Then Xiomara comes forward and tells Jane that she is amazing and perfect, and that the secret to being a good mom for Jane wa that there was no secret, because Xo was lucky and got a girl who became her best self all (or so Xo thinks) on her own. 

Then ALBA comes forward to say one, that not all mom's are so lucky, as Xo was the exact opposite experience as a daughter, but more importantly two, that Jane is the best gift she could have ever been given—all thanks to God. (Much like the subtle, story-correct insertion of brands into dialogue, the Villanuevas' religion is handled just as deftly. They are shown as being no more or less overtly religious that they are. It's not a message of PRO or ANTI religion, it just is what it is for their famly, which is great—and rare—to have on television).

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Points to Raf, for correctly predicting that this surprise would be one that Jane would love.

Raf's Got Something Up His Sleeve

Just as Rafael is collecting all the accolades Xiomara never thought she'd give him, Michael and Nadine are across town watching security footage of the night Zaz was murdered. On it? Rose, Emilio, AND Bellboy Tom.

"Then who killed Roman Zazo?" they ask each other, incredulous.

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I knew it was too good to be true!!!

NEXT WEEK

Jane comes face to face with a dead man, and Rafael has some explaining to do.

(PLEASE BE SECRET TWINS PLEASE BE SECRET TWINS)

Also, be on the lookout for some JtV valentines in the FYA valentines post later this week…

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