If your looking to cut down on some clutter in your life, or just add a little color to your workspace, may I recommend an easy little project I like to call Fabric Boxes.

Obviously I used them as a way to give out gifts this past holiday season. I like everything to be functional in my life, so why waste time and money shopping for gift wrap when you can make these instead?

Here's what you need to make your own fabric boxes:

Cotton quilting fabric

Stiff interfacing

Fabric scissors

Regular scissors

Ruler

Pencil

The first thing we need to do is, using our ruler and pencil, mark on the wrong side of our fabric. We want to make a square shape. I made mine 12" by 12". Start with this and see how you like the size. Using your fabric scissors, cut out two squares of your fabric. Sew them pretty sides together with a 1/2" seam allowance, leaving a hole on one side so we can turn it pretty side out. Trim the corners before we turn it though!

After we turned our squares of fabric pretty side out, we are going to press it. Then, we will lay it on top of our stiff interfacing. We want to cut a square of interfacing slightly smaller than this fabric square. I tend to eyeball it, but you can definitely measure it out with a ruler and pencil if you like.

Now comes the tricky part. We need to get this super stiff interfacing inside our fabric square. This is tough, but it just takes a little bit of pushing, pulling, and persistence to make it work.

Now we want to iron this whole project, to give it a nice look. Most stiff interfacing is fusible, so adding heat to it makes it stick to the inside of your project.

Now we want to sew all the way around the square with a 1/4" seam allowance. This seals up the hole and gives a nice look to the whole piece. Make your stitch length a little longer, since the interfacing is rather thick.

This part coming up will use the ruler and pencil again. Fold the corner of two sides together and measure 2" in from the point. This is where we will sew a stricght line. This part will be very, very thick, so go slowly and make your stitch length as long as your machine allows.

Do this to all four corners, and before you know it, you've got a fabric box! I use them to store small things around my workspace. Enjoy creating and using your very own!

Happy Friday! Let's get right to it.

Book Related Things

What it's like to share a name with Lord Voldemort.

Book Riot launches a quarterly YA subscription box.

Amber Benson talks books and Buffy.

Colleen McCullough, author of The Thorn Birds and the reason I love sexy priests, has died.

Movie Related Things

You too can have a 50 Shades of Grey teddy bear.

Here's John Oliver's audition for Christian Grey.

Mindy Kaling, et al, said cool things at Sundance.

Speaking of: here's the secret behind your new fake girlfriend Mindy's success.

Emma Roberts and Dave Franco have been cast in the movie adaptation of Nerve.

Here's The DUFF official trailer. 

And the Fantastic Four trailer.

Here's the crazypants new Insurgent poster and the Super Bowl pre-game trailer. Well...okay then...

TV Related Things

Why The 100's Lexa's sexuality matters/doesn't matter.

Miscellaneous Things

31 Valentines for unromantic people. I definitely bought one off this list.

Beards: not so sexy in this case.

Aw yeah, heartthrobs from the early 2000s!

The San Francisco Zoo is encouraging you to name a hissing cockroach after an ex.

Have some Lisa-Frank-ified celebrities!

Why unicorns really don't exist...anymore.

That's it for this week, my friends. Did we miss anything? What are you up to this weekend? 

Previously on The Vampire Diaries - Elena tells Damon she’s never felt more alive. Gemini Coven twins have to merge, and the weaker one dies. Tyler doesn’t plan to let that happen to Liv. Caroline hated Stefan for ruining their friendship, but then he held her hand. (Insert my squealing.) Stefan admitted to Elena that he wasn’t there for Caroline when she needed him. Liz is dying and Caroline convinced her that vampire blood can heal her. (Spoiler: Outlook is grim.)

So, this week was a little less Late Night with Damon and more Whirlwind of Death. Let’s talk show!

- Caroline is sleeping in her mom’s room when she hears noises and heads downstairs. Creepy looking Colin (the cancer dude she gave her blood to) is collapsing at her door and knows her name! Stefan arrives in the morning, asking the important questions, like how did he know Caroline’s name if she compelled him, and what if the blood he’s wearing isn’t even his. They expose Colin to a little sunlight to deduce that he must have died after she fed him and now he’s a vampire. OOPS.

What, Stefan? Like you've never accidentally sired anyone?

- Elena needs to head to her volunteer shift at the hospital, which is weird for someone who never goes to class. Alaric is off on some magic errand, so she calls Damon in to babysit their catatonic serial killer (Kai), not to smother him with a pillow. Before she leaves, Damon asks her out for an eggplant dinner (ugh, even the undead don’t eat carbs anymore) and to the pretentious art house theater to throw popcorn at hipsters. Then Elena realizes that they’ve been on this date before, not that she remembers it. She insists on truly starting over, not retreading old ground, like Damon’s tired pouting over the memory erase.

- Liv (and her false eyelashes) and Tyler are laying in bed together, talking Spring Break plans, when her dad knocks on the door, arriving earlier than expected, to take the twins to their birthday dinner. They're reached optimal merge age. Yeah, that's a thing.

- Jo and Elena are already at the hospital when Stefan arrives carrying Colin. Damon, and Caroline and Liz all arrive shirtly after, to Jo’s diagnosis that Colin now has “stage 10 cancer” but now he’s a vampire and can’t die. And now the same thing is going to happen to Liz.

- Elena gives Stefan a hard time for letting Caroline give her mother vampire blood without “doing more research.” It’s cool, Elena. I’m sure he tried to Bing it. Stefan rightly calls Elena out on not exactly having been rational when she lost Damon. Caroline is just trying to save her mother.

- Tyler wants to go along with Liv and Luke to the dinner with their father, where they plan to try and convince him that Jo is strong enough for the ritual and they shouldn’t have to merge. Knowing how diplomatic and rational Tyler is, they turn him down.

- Damon reminds Elena that he and Liz are close (only because Liz doesn’t know the whole story of what went on when he and Caroline “dated”). Jo comes out and her expression is not positive.

Right before he squanders my sympathy. 

- Caroline is beating herself (and a vending machine) up over having fed her mom the blood, because she’s a “textbook control freak.” Stefan corrects her: “optimist.” She’s both. They hear screaming from Colin’s room, where he’s been impaling himself, only to discover he can’t die. He begs Caroline to kill him, saying he can hear the tumors growing. Oh, YIKES. Damon does a rapid merciful heart snatch to grant Colin’s wish. Then he cruelly breaks the news to Caroline that Jo’s blood transfusion didn’t work on Liz, so Colin isn’t the only person Caroline has killed. Because yeah, Damon. Your friendly affection for Liz trumps the fact that this is Caroline’s only living family. Stefan just shakes his head disappointedly at Damon, instead of punching him in the face.

- Elena breaks it to Liz that the transfusion didn’t work and that Caroline didn’t take it well and took off. They hold hands and cry together. Stefan finds Caroline at a florist, planning the flowers arrangements for her mother’s memorial, because this is Caroline. Stefan tells her that his mother got sick when he was young, and he stayed away, so that he didn’t have to see her like that, and now he’d give anything to have another day with her. That does the trick, and Caroline take his hand, and heads back to Liz’s side.

- Liv and Luke’s dad is not happy that they’re refusing to merge. He doesn’t see anything wrong with one twin absorbing the other other and only Luke being left. Because they’re still trying to convince us that kid is somehow stronger than Liv.

- Damon goes back to Kai detail to find Tyler there, trying to wake Kai, so that he’ll merge with Jo and Liv will be safe. This somehow gives Damon an idea, so he drugs Tyler and calls Liv, asking to speak with her father. Damon verifies there’s a celestial event happening that night that would allow Liv and Luke to merge. As Kai awakens, Damon tells him he has a fresh magic syphoning opportunity for him. Damon’s big plan is for Kai to suck the vampire magic out of Liz. His price for doing so (that Damon agreed to!) is he gets to merge with Jo that night, even though she’s not strong enough yet. Sucking the magic out of Liz seems to work, but then her heart starts failing and Kai disappears. As Damon is trying to explain his stupid plan to Jo, Kai magically neck snaps him, and drags her out of the hospital.

- Liv and Luke’s dad gives them a nice speech about how they’re family and “in this together.” Then he takes their hands and starts the merge against their will. Tyler interrupts, and deservedly beats the hell out of their dad, until Liv has to pull him off. Luke gets an idea and dashes off, telling Liv to trust him. Uh oh.

It's about to get really windy up in here, yo.

- Kai threatens to rip out Jo’s heart, and she threatens to ruin his life. Sounds like normal sibling stuff to me. Then they slice their palms, grab hands, and start chanting. Because some families are just weird. Then Luke magically knocks Jo out of the way and tells Kai to merge with him instead. Kai laughs, which, fair. But Luke double dog dares him into proceeding.

- Elena is doing chest compressions on Liz when Damon comes in and suggests getting a real doctor, because he’s helpful like that. Liz flatlines while the staff work on her and we see a dream Liz packing photos of her and Caroline into a suitcase and calling for Caroline to come say goodbye. When she finds her, she sees a bloody-faced, vamped out Caroline. Liz jolts awake to Caroline having been sobbing over her dead body. Elena leaves the room, freaking out about how Caroline’s mom almost died in her arms. Uh, pretty sure she actually did. Elena says she doesn’t want to waste another minute of life and launches herself at Damon. As far as seizing life goes, it’s not terrible.

- Liz tells Caroline that none of this was her fault, and she needs Caroline to stop beating herself up about it. Liz promises to stick around for as long as she can. Liz sends Caroline off for coffee and makes Stefan promise to be there for her. “When I’m gone, she’s going to need you.” A dad Caroline overhears this outside the door.

- Luke and Kai pass out after their merge and Jo tearfully tells Damon that whoever wakes up is the winner. She’s gently trying to pat Luke awake. Liv and Tyler are with her father when he announces they have to run. He can feel that Luke is gone and Kai has won, but she doesn’t believe him. While Jo cries over Luke’s body, Kai wakes, and confirms all of our worst fears.

Thoughts:

Why does Caroline’s bedhead look better than my hair EVER?

“As far as humans go, she’s tolerable.” The highest praise from Damon.

“I could kiss you right now, you beautiful moron.” I can’t say I’m surprised that Damon has been checking Tyler out.

“Get on with it, Kai. Just listening to you talk makes me want to die.” HEART YOU, LIZ.

Since when can witches suck the vampire magic out of people? This seems like something that might have come up some time in the last SIX YEARS.

Guys, I’m concerned about the future of Steroline! Caroline will probably now think Stefan is just there because of his promise to her mother.

Next week: These jerks remember that Bonnie is stranded alone in the ‘90’s. She gets a message to them that she plans to kill herself. So they’re FINALLY going to try to save her.

BOOK REPORT for Mr. Kiss and Tell (Veronica Mars Book 2) by Rob Thomas and Jennifer Graham

Read the review for The Thousand Dollar Tan Line (Veronica Mars Book 1) here!

Cover Story: An Improvement
BFF Charm: Yes, Yes, A Thousand Times Yes
Swoonworthy Scale: 7
Talky Talk: Raymond Chandlerrific
Bonus Factors: Flashback City, PUPPY!, Deputy Marble-Mouth, Max Mac
Anti-Bonus Factor: Wallace, Where You At?
Relationship Status: Forever and Ever, Amen
Veronica Mars Drinking Game Rules: 48

Cover Story: An Improvement

The cover for The Thousand Dollar Tan Line was pretty chintzy-looking, but Mr. Kiss and Tell, while still not great, is better. It's got a bit of that noir/Hard Case Crime/cheap paperback feel to it, but I wish they'd really lean into that aesthetic and deliver some gritty, painterly scandalism, Robert McGinnis-style.

The Deal:

Like The Thousand Dollar Tan Line, the case at the crux of Mr. Kiss and Tell is related to the Neptune Grand. A beautiful young woman is brutally assaulted and raped in the stairwell of the Grand, and V's on the case. But it turns out this isn't just any young woman - it's Grace Manning, aka Meg's baby sister, aka the girl in the closet, now grown up and a freshman at Hearst College with a very uncertain memory of the attack. Veronica must battle her ancient feelings of guilt for leaving that little girl in the not-so-capable hands of Sheriff Lamb, and she's determined to find the man who did this to Grace.

Meanwhile, Wallace, Keith and Cliff are working together on a lawsuit to overturn the current Sheriff Lamb, even more unscrupulous than his brother and predecessor, but the corrupt Sheriff's Office of Neptune will go to any lengths to shut them up.

BFF Charm: Yes, Yes, A Thousand Times Yes

This is still the Veronica we know and love: feisty, loyal, sardonic and brilliant. But she's also gaining some wisdom in her late 20s, balancing out her impetuous passion with - dare I say it?! - a little patience. She's better than ever, is what I'm saying.

Swoonworthy Scale: 7

Logan's on shore leave and living with V in her cool new Dog Beach apartment, and they're getting it on at every opportunity! But LoVe isn't the only twosome making our hearts race - Veronica and Deputy Leo have quite a flirtation going on here, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't into it.

Talky Talk: Raymond Chandlerrific

I used this description for the first book, and it remains applicable: in addition to Veronica's perfect voice, Graham and Thomas have that old-school detective novel narration down pat. Check out the opening paragraph:

It was raining in Neptune. That was rare, even for early March; the little SoCal city usually boasted blue skies year-round. But the clouds had rolled in off the ocean, and now raindrops pattered across the houses of rich and poor alike, the one great equalizer in a town without a middle class.

Bonus Factor: Flashback City

There are so many flashbacks to the series in this book, subtle and overt and everywhere, and the result is that Neptune really feels like a palpable universe, a place that keeps growing and moving and existing even when we're not there to observe it. For instance, the theatre building at Hearst is named Eloise Gant Theatre Building, presumably after Casey's rich grandma. Some old-timey names that pop up here: Chardo, Norris, Cassidy, the Fitzpatricks, Danny Boyd and more.

Bonus Factor: PUPPY!!!

Yes, Veronica gets a puppy and names the little cutie Pony, because we know Veronica's always wanted a pony.

Bonus Factor: Deputy Marble-Mouth

There is so much Deputy Leo in this book, and I can hear his every line in that sheepish little mumble Max Greenfield gives the character. <3

Bonus Factor: Max Mac

Mac is THE COOLEST, and she's all over these books as V's Q. She cracks me up by continuing to refer to Logan as "Not-Piz," and when Veronica claims that she will drink the fancy victory Scotch at the Mars Investigation offices, instead of the usual rotgut swill Cliff and Keith like, Mac chimes in:

'For the record,' Mac said, 'I also drink Scotch. But I'm not picky. I'll take the victory Scotch, or the Scotch of defeat. Or the rotgut swill.' 

I love you, Mac!

Anti-Bonus Factor: Wallace, Where You At?

Wallace is my favorite character of the Veronica Mars universe, and he is not in this book nearly enough. However, when he does show up, he makes it count. When Mac calls Wallace on Veronica's behalf:

Wallace's voice was instantly wary. 'Funny. This sounds like Mac, but that's the patented Veronica Mars I-need-a-favor tone. Let me guess. You two belles are looking for a strapping black man to do something boring, strenuous or illegal for you?'

And when Veronica tempts him with "a nice warm batch of chocolate chip cookies," Wallace replies, "No chocolate chip. Snickerdoodles. Nonnegotiable."

More of this, please!

Casting Call: 

Plenty of new characters, never before seen in the series or the movie, show up, starting with grown-up Grace Manning, who's gorgeous and tough as hell.

Eliza Taylor as Grace Manning

Her long blonde hair was twisted up at the nape of her neck. She wore a tight blue dress that showed off a double take-worthy figure...Opal blue eyes, heart-shaped face, bee-stung lips - insert 1930s Variety prose here.

And oh yeah, hi there, MAC'S BIO DAD:

Peter Gallagher as Charles Sinclair

Charles Sinclair was tall and lean, with dark hair receding from a craggily handsome face. He wore a suit jacket and a button-down shirt, no tie, and he leaned against the doorway with confident ease. The very picture of middle-aged richfuck entitlement, Veronica thought.

Weevil's attorney:

Hettienne Park as Lisa Choi

The lawyer's name was Lisa Choi, a rising star who projected the riveting charisma and no-bullshit focus of Helen Mirren on Prime Suspect. Veronica had been shocked to learn that the nationally lauded prosecutor with the Hillary pantsuit and black-framed glasses was just thirty-two years old.

The tough broad from Keith's past who's returned to Neptune to run against Lamb in the next sheriff's election (she played the sheriff on Smallville and was tough as can be):

Camille Mitchell as Marcia Langdon

It couldn't possibly be the same Marcia Langdon. But the accompanying photo was unmistakable. She was thirty-plus years older, in military uniform, but he recognized her raptor nose, her heavy jaw. More than anything he recognized her eyes - sharp and hard as a flint spearhead.

And Veronica's little half-brother, who showed up in the first book but I neglected to cast him:

Noah Wiseman as Hunter Scott

In the entryway stood a small boy with sandy blond hair. He was about six years old, in a Batman T-shirt and short pants…She looked into the boy’s eyes. They were light brown, big in his small, serious face.

And finally, Pony! Let's go with this guy:

This guy as Pony

From the other side, a tiny black puppy stared up at them, her head cocked inquisitively to one side.

Relationship Status: Forever And Ever, Amen

I'm not going anywhere. As long as Veronica Mars is around, I'll be there too. 

FTC Full Disclosure: I purchased my review copy with my own funds. I received neither money nor cocktails for writing this review (dammit!). Mr. Kiss and Tell is available now.

Previously on Reign: Catherine’s dead twins and dead husband insisted she kill Claude. Mary told Francis she wants to live separate lives. Castleroy accidentally funded Protestant terrorists. Bash’s mother secretly tried to have him legitimized. Mary received Conde’s letter confessing he’s fallen for her.

Many, many things were revealed this week. But the best one, is that Catherine is still AWESOME.

The Intrigue:

- Francis confronts Mary over avoiding him - again. She tells him she saw him, when he was asleep with Lola and their baby. She says he doesn’t need to explain, but it still hurts. She also rebuffs his touch, telling him she’s still anxious being near any man.

- Kenna is being petulant about Bash having left their bed, when he tells her that Francis summoned him to offer him lands and titles. Kenna is undressing him in excitement when they’re interrupted by his mother. The former king’s former mistress breaks the news to his other former mistress that Bash passed on a duchy to her and kept the barony for himself. Kenna isn’t pleased to hear that she won’t be getting to be a duchess.

- Catherine is lounging around her chamber, having conversations with her dead husband and their dead children. She wonders if she’s going mad. Signs point to yes.

Yes, yes, Catherine. You're the fairest of them all.

- Claude tells Bash that Catherine was trying to poison her because she thinks Claude murdered her sisters when she was 5. She asks Bash to investigate and find out what really happened.

- Narcisse is having to help Francis parcel out all of his estates to the nobles. Mary comes in and asks what crime Narcisse ended up confessing to. He chose embezzlement. She commends his choice, telling him that if he’d been guilty of blackmailing them, they’d be taking his lands AND his head. She does it in such a threatening manner, that I might have squealed in delight.

- Mary receives a report that a man being questioned in the dungeons identified Castleroy as being one of the people who funded the attack on the castle. Greer denies that there could be any link between Castleroy and those men. Then Leith finds Greer tearing apart her chambers, in case there’s any evidence there. She tells him they were tricked by the radicals into providing the money. She proposes throwing herself on Mary’s mercy, but Leith says the Catholic nobles are too angry, and that won’t save her. She begs him to help make sure there’s no accounting evidence of Castleroy’s inadvertent treason.

- Catherine and Diane have a catty reunion where Catherine tells her to enjoy her expanded family - meaning Kenna. Claude greets Diane warmly, just to annoy Catherine. Ghost Henry reminds Catherine that he and their girls are there for her. No one seems to notice Catherine talking to herself ten feet away. Maybe Henry made them immune to crazy monarchs.

- Claude reminds Bash that royal children are never left alone and asks him where the nannies were on the night she supposedly murdered her sister. He’s looking into that.

- Conde arrives, planning to refuse the estates that Francis is offering to loyal Protestant lords. Mary tells him it’s all been more complicated politics than he realizes, but he doesn’t want to hear her defend Francis anymore. She puts her hand on his arm to detain him (which Francis sees from afar) but he storms away.

- Greer has no luck getting Castleroy’s ledger from the accountant because the man said he’s hidden it, so it cannot be seized by the crown. If Castleroy is branded a traitor, his money and holdings can all be seized.

- Bash located one of the nannies of the twins, who’s since married a nobleman. During intense questioning by Bash and Claude, in the presence of royal guards, the former nanny breaks down and reveals that Henry had ruthlessly pursued her, seduced her, and turned her into an opium addict. She passed out with him, and when she woke and went to the nursery, the windows had been open and the babies froze to death. When she realized what would happen to her, she got the idea to put the flowers from Claude’s dress in the babies’ throats and let Claude take the blame. She figured a 5 year-old princess would get off easier than she would. Bash promises there will be justice.

- Ghost Henry tries to convince Catherine that her real family doesn’t need her, but that he and the twins do. Then she chases the ghost girls out into the snow storm. He sends the girls off to play so that he can try to seduce Catherine while also trying to help her freeze to death so they can be together forever.

- Francis asks Conde about refusing his offer of lands. Conde knows that the lands are just another way Mary is trying to protect him and he makes the unwise comment that Francis didn’t protect Mary when she needed it most. Conde proposes airing their differences in fake sword play.

I may or may not have put my money on Hot Cousin Louis.

- While watching their mock duel, Kenna realizes that the men are really fighting about Mary. Francis gets the upper hand and snaps Conde’s pole. Conde makes to keep going after him (because he has a death wish?!) but he’s stopped by Mary and the guards.

Proof that people have always taken figure skating way too seriously.

- Bash finds Catherine lying in the snow, mumbling for Henry. Catherine is angry to hear the truth about the twins’ deaths, especially because she didn’t ask any questions at the time, afraid of hearing the answers.

- While Mary’s treats Francis’ cut face, he tells her that he knows Conde wasn’t just provoked by his issues with Francis as a ruler. “He has feelings for you, and now everyone knows it.” Mary asks if Francis thinks she somehow encouraged Conde, when she can barely stand the touch of any man, even her own husband. He tells her that he doesn’t want to bring it up, given what she’s been through, but when they produce an heir, there can be no doubt about the paternity. Mary knows her head would be on the block if there were.

- Ghost Henry is all “my bad about the freezing.” Catherine tells the ghost twins their time is over and tells Henry that he’s a lie she created, and she doesn’t want him back. She banishes him back to hell.

- After Catherine reminded Bash of all the gifts Henry showered upon Diane to calm her jealous rages, he confronts his mother about the twins. He was hoping that she just wanted the nanny dismissed for sleeping with Henry, and wasn’t actually trying to kill babies. But no, she wanted Catherine to suffer. Wow. That’s a new low, even for this court. Bash tells Diane that the estate he offered is no longer hers, but he’ll keep her secret if she leves immediately. He can’t stand to look at her, but doesn’t want her to hang. In a last ditch effort to be awful, Diane tells him that Kenna was the one who told Catherine when Diane went to Rome to try to get him legitimized. It could have gotten them both killed at the time, and Bash declares that if it’s true, then neither Diane nor Kenna deserve his forgiveness.

- Mary leverages Lola’s loyalty and he has her offer herself to Conde as a potential match. She lectures him over creating gossip that Mary now has to diffuse. Conde appreciates her fierceness and decides he’s game to see where their orders take them.

- A guard arrives at the ball with Castleroy’s ledger, claiming it contains proof of his guilt. Poor, terrified, Greer is taken to the dungeons. Mary goes to her there and says the ledger is enough to convict her. Mary says she can spare her life, but that’s all. Greer loses everything else: title, holdings, money, and her rooms and position at court. Mary hugs her and tells her to take care. Really, Mary? Like, HOW?

- Bash confronts Kenna about telling Catherine of the Rome plan. She didn’t know he could have been executed at the time and was just protecting what was hers. Bash tells her that being willing to sacrifice other people’s lives for your own petty gain is unforgivable. Ugh, Bash. Down off that high horse before you fall off, son.

- Francis goes to Mary and is sad that she’s lost Greer and can no longer be friends with Conde and feels alone. He asks if he can stay with her, sleep on the couch and just watch over her while she sleeps. Aw… and still, a little creepy.

- Diane is packing when Catherine comes in and beats her over the head with a fireplace poker. She admits she was slow to put it together, but figured out what Diane did. Then she strangles Diane to death so she can join her beloved Henry. DAMN. Welcome back, your majesty.

History According to Reign:

Catherine and Henry never had twin daughters who died in infancy. Though they did have one who was stillborn.

Diane de Poitiers died in exile at her estate. There is no evidence she was strangled by Catherine de’ Medici. (As if Catherine would leave evidence?)

It seems so unlikely that a woman of that time would have been privy to her husband’s financial dealings, and therefore extra unfair that Greer takes the fall for them.

“You have no idea what it’s like to be a girl in this world. Owning nothing, having no power, except the effect you have on men.” I love when the women get to speak the truth about that world.

Final Thoughts:

Ice Ball! I’ve missed the constant rounds of parties and festivals.

Mary’s interaction with Narcisse was perfection. I hope we’ll be seeing more of him now that he’s out of the dungeon.

Can Leith save Greer? I’m very concerned for her!

Catherine about Diane “That was a very expensive mistake.”

During the mock duel: “Is there something between them we don’t know about?” Just imagine those are yardsticks they’ve got there, ladies.

Catherine: “Why are you helping me?” Bash: “That’s a very good question.”

“I don’t care if your heart leads you my way or not, but I won’t have it lead you to Mary.” I’ve missed Mary’s ladies getting to be spunky!

Next week:

Francis hints at there being a lot of history between his family and Conde’s. Mary asks Conde to spy on his brother, and he doesn’t want her using his feelings against him. But, of course, his brother also expects him to spy on Francis.

Speedy Synopses:
   
Gotham 1x13: Welcome Back Jim Gordon

Sadly, after the intense action of last week, the city of Gotham once again slipped into complacency (of it’s normal sort). Jim spent much of the episode tracking down a killer in Gotham PD’s midst, and found (with help from Penguin, which he regretted asking for later) that the narcotics division of Gotham PD was being led by a drug dealer and a murderer. Thankfully, Chief Essen FINALLY stood up for Jim, and the rest of the department began to see that he’s actually doing the right thing.

Speaking of Penguin, he (and his crazypants mom) celebrated “his new club” a little too soon—Butch saved Fish from a terrible torture, and she returned to try to take back what’s hers. Unfortunately for her, Victor Zsasz has been absolutely itching to kill someone, and shows up just in time to save Penguin from a beating. Fish realizes it’s better to live to fight another day, and so runs from town, with a little help from Harvey.

Oh, and apparently, Bruce and Alfred have been in Switzerland? Upon their return, Bruce seeks out Selina to give her a gift, but she throws his friendship back in his face, along with a lie about how she didn’t really see who killed his parents. (Has the show completely given up trying to be about Batman at all?)

Agent Carter 1x4: The Blitzkrieg Button

This week's Agent Carter was one that was taking its sweet time to rearrange the pieces on the board. And while lacking any real action, it gave me a couple of chuckles and had some emotional heft to it. The big development this week is Dominic Cooper returning as Howard Stark, coming back to the United States after being smuggled in by underworld type Mr. Mink. And good god, the scenes with him just crackle with an energy and lightness, and give Hayley Atwell a chance to show off her own comedy chops as she plays straight woman to Howard Stark slowly bedding every single woman in the women's hotel (as every safe house Stark has its cover blown by the SSR). I groaned at the return to the women's hotel, as it is largely just a ham fisted showcase for the dumb gender roles and sexual mores of the period.

My main problem with the series so far is that the SSR scenes, trying to bust open the mythology of the miniseries seem so removed from the heart of the show, which is ostensibly the titular Agent Carter, I just find it hard to care at this point in time about dead Russians brought back from the dead, or even super cool Fringe-styled gChat typewriters. It did give us a nice stretch of scenes where Enver Gjokaj was doing great work as Agent Sousa, picking up a local dock transient who was there during Carter and Jarvis' recovery of the Stark inventions. We get a glimpse into immediate post-war life for Sousa, whose bum leg only makes people feel guilted enough for clapping for him at diners (and not clapping for other able bodied GIs at said diners). Chad Michael Murray's Agent Thompson also gets some time in as the effective jerk who actually gets things done (baiting the transient with scotch and hamburgers for intel), not to mention his demotivational speech towards Carter towards the end of the episode.

The actual show objective didn't come into focus until midway through when Carter is tasked by Stark to recover an invention for him, the Blitzkrieg Button, which is a glorified EMP device, shutting off the lights in an area. Carter sensed something wasn't right (Jarvis' tug at the ear gave her the sense something was wrong). The device, when activated produced a vial of (Steve Rogers') blood, which Stark was hoping to reclaim in order to make a killing off of in the medical field, using Carter as a corporate spy.

Carter's rebuke of Jarvis' apology and backhanded compliment that him and Stark hold her in high regard, moreso than the SSR (but not enough to deal straight with him) was great. And the mention of Captain America only re-ups Carter's resolve.

Also, Stan Lee would like to borrow the sports section when you're done.

Lastly, remember Mr. Mink? The man Carter and Jarvis duped to get Stark back? He tries to sneak into the women's hotel to kill Carter (no men on the second floor!) and for his troubles gets his neck snapped by neighbor Dottie, who steals his gatling pistol. Now things are going somewhere. (Paolo S.)

The Flash 1x11: The Sound and the Fury

While I have been really enjoying The Flash's debut season, the last couple of episodes have got me thinking if the show has hit its ceiling already. And that's kind of a sobering thought, because I largely like everybody on the show (despite some of the more questionable dialogue/character choices) and hot damn everybody has great chemistry on the show, notably Grant Gustin and Jesse L. Martin whose surrogate father-son relationship is morphing into a full blown bromance, and I for one am all in on it. This week's villain of the week was Hartley Rathaway, former protégé of Harrison Wells, who in the line of the night by Cisco, "He was a jerk, but once and a while, he could be a dick." The young Mr. Smithers sycophant with a fondness for chess metaphors and a proclivity for speaking in other languages tried to stop Wells from activating the accelerator, as there was a risk it could backfire, and for his troubles he gets fired from S.T.A.R. Labs by Wells. He didn't just lose his job, as during the accelerator explosion he lost his hearing.

Rathaway re-emerges as the Pied Piper (whose costume design just makes him look like some nerd who decided to go as a last minute millennial Emperor Palpatine for a Halloween party) after threatening Harrison at his home (hey, sweet Flash powers, Harrison) by shattering all the glass in his enclosure with this sound manipulation gauntlets. He later attacks his family's rival laboratory, and joins the pantheon of villains who wanted to be caught. While in the custody of S.T.A.R. Labs, we learn that Hartley had it out for Cisco (this episode not only serves as a character piece for Wells, but also for Cisco, who we learn in top of being a genius also has humanity). Hartley breaks out of S.T.A.R. Labs in order to gain access to bio-scans of The Flash, as the two fight on a bridge, and chess metaphors are strewn about as Harrison hijacks a satellite radio remotely in order to save Barry from be molecularly decimated.

The surrogate dad cold war heats up with Joe using Eddie to secretly investigate Harrison.

Meanwhile, Iris gets a job at the Central City Picture News in The Flash's own interpretation of season five of The Wire. While Iris thinks she is getting the joining the newspaper outfit because of her gumption, she quickly learns that she was hired because of perceived connection to The Flash. Gotta move those papers, you know. (Paolo S.)

Arrow 3x11: Midnight City

Ollie’s still MIA, but Team Arrow (minus Felicity) is trying their darndest to keep up appearances. Crimelord Danny Brickwell (a.k.a. Brick) has upped his game tenfold and is terrorizing Starling City. He even goes so far as to take the mayor and some other major city politicians hostage.

Laurel’s trying really hard to take on the mantle of Black Canary (and mostly failing), and she’s been noticed. Detective Lance, of course, thinks that Sarah’s back in town. Team Arrow helps delude the poor man for a while more.

Thanks to Tatsu and Maseo—who aren’t together any longer, which I think means bad things regarding their son—Ollie’s healing. He’s also itching to return to Starling (and Felicity, natch). Malcolm Merlyn, on the other hand, is trying to get Thea out of the city, and away from the prying eyes of the League of Assassins, but she doesn’t want to go. And Roy thinks Merlyn should keep his nose out of her business.

The end of the episode reveals that all is never what it seems in Starling, when Chase (the D.J.) calls Maseo to report (to Ra’s Al Ghul) that Oliver hasn’t returned home.

Hero of the Week: Felicity Smoak, Arrow

Although I wasn’t on board with the mopey, emo Felicity who was around for most of this week’s episode, the fierce girl we all know and love returned at the end and totally took charge of Team Arrow. Good to have you back, lady.

(GIFs via jbuffyangel)

Villain of the Week: Danny Brickwell (a.k.a. “Brick”), Arrow

I must have dozed off during part of last week’s episode, because I really didn’t realize how much of a menace Brick would turn out to be. Danny Jones is always an excellent villain, and Brick is no exception.

Honorable mention: Harrison Wells, The Flash

We now know for sure that Harrison has Reverse Flash abilities, but his endgame is still unclear. What are you up to, Dr, Wells?

Troy Barnes Award for Evoking The Feelz:

(GIFs via jbuffyangel)

Clark Kent Moment of Duh:

Oh, Quentin. You just don’t want to see what’s so plainly in front of your face, do you? *pats head*

Ab-tastic:

(GIF via blacknerdproblems.com)

Although we did get a glimpse of The Abs, they were bandaged. I know he’s got a sword puncture through them, but, really. WHO COVERS UP THE ABS?

Right in the Kisser:

Agent Carter: Peggy’s still pining for Steve, but Howard’s not letting being on the lam inhibit his gettin’ some. And staying in an apartment building full of young, virile ladies is super convenient.

The Flash: Although it’s not romantic love, the bromance between Barry and Joe is heating up and I LOVE IT. They are adorable.

Arrow: In a moment of fanservice, this week’s episode began with a loving moment between Ollie and Felicity that goes horribly wrong all too quickly. Felicity did share a true swoony moment later in the episode, but it was with the wrong guy (i.e., Ray).

Biff! Bam! Pow!

(GIF via sciencefiction.com)

Holy shizz, Dottie. All that for a fancy gun?

News and Notes:

- The first teaser for the new Fantastic Four reboot was released this past week:

- Fandoms collide! David Tennant has been cast as Kilgrave, the super morally questionable villain of the Netflix/Marvel series A.K.A. Jessica Jones.

- Joss Whedon has made his views on female superhero movies (or the lack thereof) pretty clear, but here’s more from him on that subject. (#TeamJoss-To-Direct-All-The-Things)

- We found out this week that there’s more to Agent Carter’s Dottie than meets the eye. Here’s what’s up with that.

So what did you guys think of this week’s shows? Did it feel like a bit of a filler week for anyone else? Let us know below.

Welcome to the first blog tour stop for Heather Demetrios' I'll Meet You There! The FYA book report will be posted later this week. Until then, here's the official scoop on the book: 

If seventeen-year-old Skylar Evans were a typical Creek View girl, her future would involve a double-wide trailer, a baby on her hip, and the graveyard shift at Taco Bell. But after graduation, the only thing standing between straightedge Skylar and art school are three minimum-wage-months of summer. Skylar can taste the freedom—that is, until her mother loses her job and everything starts coming apart. Torn between her dreams and the people she loves, Skylar realizes everything she’s ever worked for is on the line.

Nineteen-year-old Josh Mitchell had a different ticket out of Creek View: the Marines. But after his leg is blown off in Afghanistan, he returns home, a shell of the cocksure boy he used to be. What brings them together is working at the Paradise—a quirky motel off California’s dusty Highway 99. Despite their differences, their shared isolation turns into an unexpected friendship and soon, something deeper.

Gritty, romantic, and ultimately hopeful, I'll Meet You There explores the complicated lives of an unforgettable cast of characters. This is the story of teens outside the picket fence. It doesn’t soften the edges of adolescence or the individual consequences of war; it’s life on the fringes—maddening, weirdly endearing…and completely screwed up.

Joining us at the FYA lockers today is Heather Demetrios, who's here to talk about -- well, let's let the title speak for itself...

Peeta and Gus Ain’t Got Nothin’ On Josh Mitchell: Sex and the One-Legged Boy

There is nothing more awkward than having your husband come home to find you watching a YouTube video of a dude taking off his prosthetic leg. Even though I knew I was doing research for my novel, I’ll Meet You There, and he knew I was doing the research, it still looked bad. I mean, it was no secret I’d fallen head over heels for Josh, the Marine in my novel. Clearly I was in a place where the lack of leg wasn’t necessarily a mood killer. So I couldn’t help but feel a little dirty, like I was some kind of Internet Peeping Tom at worst, a girl foraying into the kinky, at best. But even before my husband came in, I kept looking over my shoulder like the creep I’d become. I couldn’t write an amputee love interest without knowing how prosthetics worked, I got that. But there are few things more intimate than watching a stranger take off their leg, and my paranoia kicked in, me imagining scenarios in which I’d get caught: the feds would come in with a warrant for I-don’t-know-what, my neighbor would want a cup of sugar, my friend would stop by for a drink.

**Spoiler alert*** This won’t ruin anything for you: Josh has sex in this book. You’re welcome.

Imagine my awkwardness over researching how to put on a prosthetic, clean the prosthetic, and care for one’s stump. Take that awkwardness and multiply it by ten when I begin doing research for, as I googled it: “Sex with prosthetics.” OH MY GOD. Was I seriously typing that into my browser? They say nothing ever gets truly erased, right, so does that mean that, conceivably, someone could find out my Internet history even if I cleared it? What about the NSA? Aren’t they watching everything we do online? I mean, it’s not as bad as googling “How to be a jihadist,” but it’s still pretty bad, right? I write for teens! There’s a behavior clause in one of my contracts and they’re going to find out that I’ve got this fetish and then I’ll never write again, but I’ll really never write again if I don’t get this sex scene right.

Lucky for me, I happen to be writing about a one-legged love interest when readers are swooning over two of the most famous single-legged boys in YA history: I’m talking, of course, about Peeta from Hunger Games and Gus from TFIOS. I like to think that Josh fits in very nicely with these two boys, both of whom manage to have sex with pretty, two-legged girls without it being in any way a detriment to the romance of their encounter. I like that this celebrates diversity and shows that you can be sexy and whole even if you have a serious disability. And another thing: I wanted to show that sex is important. That, to me, it’s about love and trust and growth. I wanted to show how it can heal and teach and that the decision to have it is an important one that deserves your full consideration—whether you have one leg or two. 

So there was no way around it: I had to know how to do the deed with only one flesh and blood leg. So, I read various articles, most of which basically said that it really depends on the people in the bed. Some amputees have sex with their prosthetic on, if that’s what makes them and their partner most comfortable. Some prefer to take it off, thus exposing their stump because it’s comfortable and, ultimately, it’s who they are. The culture of amputees is just as complicated as all other sub-cultures in society. For some amputees, it’s empowering to own their disability—they are my new heroes. Others like to maintain the illusion, for all the reasons you can imagine. I decided that Josh needed to have sex without the leg on. You see, Josh is a Marine. A guy’s guy. Skylar describes his sex life before he left for the war as “sexcapades.” This was someone who was used to getting some pretty much all the time. Now take this guy and put him in a war zone. Have him lose his close friends and then try to scrape their blood off his boots. Take away his leg and give him nightmares. Take away the future he thought he was going to have.

Josh has lost his swagger. More than that, he’s lost his identity. He can never go back to being the dick who ran his small town (and, everywhere, readers sigh with relief). In the summer he spends working at the Paradise Motel with Skylar, he has to figure out who he is. He knows one thing: the thought of having sex with a girl he’s falling in love with (love—that’s something he’s never had the guts to do), a girl he knows is way too good for him, a girl who’s a virgin—yeah, he’d rather go back to war and fight the Taliban all by himself than get naked in front of Skylar Evans. When Josh and Sky finally do have sex, it isn’t just two teens who really want each other. It’s about Josh finally being able to be intimate with someone as he is now, accepting himself, and learning to trust his partner to honor all that goes into him baring what’s left of the leg a bomb in Afghanistan took from him. Sex with Sky and Josh is about love and forgiveness and sheer terror and joy and not giving into the darkness.

I’ll tell you this: writing this scene is, hands down, the hottest thing I’ve ever written. Who knew sex with prosthetics could do so much to your nether regions! It’s also the most satisfying emotionally because so much has to happen for these two broken people to come to this place (Gah! No pun intended) where they can be totally exposed and vulnerable. All their fear and barriers don’t go away as soon as their clothes come off. It’s a gradual process of letting go of their mutual fear of rejection. It’s emotional and a little bit funny in that giddy, heady kind of way and it’s sweet and intense. There’s so much more I want to say about it, but I don’t want to ruin it for you. It took me a long time to get the scene right, to honor what Sky and Josh have been through, to acknowledge the miles it took for them to meet in this place where a person can become your home. I blushed every second I wrote it and every second I re-read it. And the leg thing? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thanks for stopping by, Heather! Check out Heather's website, or find her on Twitter (@HDemetrios), Pinterest, or Facebook. And check out the rest of the stops on the blog tour for I'll Meet You There!

February 2: Forever Young Adult
February 3: Andi’s ABCs
February 4: Swoony Boys Podcast
February 5: The Perpetual Page Turner
February 6: FicFare

February 9: Jenuine Cupcakes
February 10: Love at First Page
February 11: The Reading Nook Reviews
February 12: Love is not a triangle
February 13: MacTeenBooksBlog

February 17: Writer of Wrongs
February 18: GReads!
February 19: What Sarah Read

Want to win a copy of I'll Meet You There? (Trust -- YOU DO.) Skylar and Josh work together at the Paradise Motel, which features a different theme for each room. To enter this giveaway, leave a comment with a theme suggestion for a room. A winner will be randomly chosen on Monday, February 9th. (U.S. and Canada only. Sorry, everyone else!)

Pro-tip: order I'll Meet You There before this Valentine's Day and receive an exclusive handwritten love letter from Josh Mitchell! Get all the deets here. 

Last September, we ran the first FYA Photo-A-Day challenge, and you responded with over a thousand book-related photos. When we decided to do it a second time, with the help of reader-submitted prompts, we were rewarded with well over a thousand more! It was so hard to pick just four favorites each day, especially when you brought us book-related costumes, book swag, doodles, suggestions for how books should have ended, and so much more. We hope everyone who played along made some new instagram friends and had as much fun as we did.

Some highlights from January 2015:

Close Friend Casting Call:

@bookishbritney

@blueboxgirl

Character Outfit:

@brian_katcher

@queenkandis

Tasty Business:

@nttbfest

@scorpiolady3

Literary Doodle:

@rock85on

@seestephwrite

Your Book Club:

@librrae

@etkahler

Thanks for playing, everyone! We're hoping to bring you another round in the spring. If you have prompt suggestions for the next round of Photo-A-Day, coming later this year, please send them our way!

The Road So Far

Welcome to week ten of the Supernatural rewatch, superfans! These episodes. I…hmm. I’ll be frank with you, darlings. They’re kind of filler. The monsters aren’t memorable, the A plot doesn’t go anywhere. But Sam and Dean are as cute as ever and get through them we must in order to experience the big season finale next week. As an apology and for your edification, I have posted two adorable and one sexy picture below.

Let’s drink to treading water!

THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME

Take a drink every time:

•  Dean or Sam flashes a badge and passes for federal law enforcement despite being clad in denim and/or flannel

•  A demon possesses some hapless schmuck

•  The camera gives tight artistic focus to blood being splattered

•  Dean enjoys a cheeseburger crams his face full of junk food

•  Sam purses his lips passive aggressively

•  Either brother picks a lock

•  Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias

•  The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty

1x18: Something Wicked This Way Comes

Monster of the Week: Striga

A small girl, whose father has given her the unfortunate nickname of “MonkeyPuss,” says her evening prayers a creepy sing-songy way that makes me determined to either never have children or only raise heathens. Her sister is ill in the hospital. But MonkeyPuss has problems of her own. A terrifying long-fingered witch monster slips in through her window and attacks, hovering his gaping maw over her tiny face!

 
The show provides child actors with complimentary therapy, right?

Sam and Dean roll into town courtesy of Papa Winchester’s coordinates, learning six children have fallen desperately ill and slipped into comas. They head to the hospital, posing as CDC workers. While they’ve seriously upped their suit-game from the unfortunate Blues Brothers debacle, their false IDs could use some work—Sam’s says “Bikini Inspector.” Luckily the nurse working the counter is either very stupid or very blind and blithely tells them where the pediatrics ward is located.

The doctor in charge lets them talk to the family of the latest patient. It’s MonkeyPuss! Her father thinks that his girls caught this mysterious illness because they opened their window at night and let in the cold. Sam and Dean are pretty sure than they let in something else. They confirm their suspicions at MonkeyPuss’s house when they find a strange print outside her window.

That’s one giant effin’ raccoon!

The print makes Dean flash back to his adorable snub-nosed youth, when Papa was hunting the very same monster, while trusting him to watch over Sam in the motel room. He arms Lil’ Dean and makes him repeat, “shoot first, ask questions later.” Ahem.

He will most certainly not shoot his eye out.

Lil' Sam, meanwhile, scarfs Lucky Charms and watches Thundercats obliviously, proving we had at least 1% of our childhood in common.

Good job, casting director! He’s even got Jared Padalecki’s puppy dog eyes.

In the present, the boys learn the monster is a Striga, a witch-type creature that feeds off life-force, preferring to eat children when it can. It generally comes into a town, sucks it dry of kids, and disappears for twenty years before popping up somewhere else. Dean, being very cagey about his past experiences with it, claims that it can only be killed by being shot with consecrated iron at the very moment it is feeding. Worse, a trip to the local public library shows a photo of a doctor during one such epidemic in the 1800s is a dead ringer for the one watching over MonkeyPuss! He’s the Striga.

Callous as it seems, they need to use a child as bait, so they can kill the monster while it feeds. They choose a mouthy urchin whose brother has just fallen victim to the Striga, knowing the monster will go after him next. They fill the kid in on their identities and plan. Wanting to help his little brother, he agrees, though he does require several assurances that he won’t be caught in the crossfire. The plan works as well as most of their plans do, which is to say it mostly backfires and ends with Sam in peril and Dean shooting something until it is dead.

Brotherly Angst Quotient: Childish.

Dean spends the episode haunted by the past. While Papa hunted the Striga, Dean snuck out to play arcade games, leaving Sam alone. When he got back? It was feeding on him. Papa shot at it, but it ran off, alive. The one time he acted like the eight-year-old he was instead of Sam’s manny, his little brother almost got murdered by a monster and his father never trusted him the same way. Sam thinks this explains why Dean always follows Papa’s orders to the point of seeming brainwashed. I think this explains why, cute as Jeffrey Dean Morgan is, I’m never happy to see Papa show up.

Meanwhile, Sam laments the mouthy urchin’s lost innocence, and because he is Sam, twists it into a lament about his own lost innocence.

Where in the World is Papa Winchester?: Flashbackville.

How Drunk Are We?: Wibbly-wobbly. Take four drinks, each one due to Sam’s ever-pursed lips.

Soundtrack: “Road to Nowhere” by Ozzy Osbourne.

The Quotable Winchesters: “I’m not gonna open fire in a freaking pediatrics ward.” –Dean. Comforting to know he does have limits.

Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:

This junior motel clerk knows what’s up.

Notable Cameo: None.

1x19: Provenance

Monster of the Week: Ghost, murderous child edition.

We open on two hapless, though very good-looking, schmucks. This husband/wife pair just bought the creepiest family portrait ever at an auction and hung it over their fireplace.

It really brings the room together.

This, of course, results in their gruesome, throat-slitting death. Meanwhile, at a bar, Dean scams hot chicks while Sam reads the paper looking for cases to work. He comes across the dead art-lovers and insists they check it out. They go to an auction house where all the couples’ possessions have been put up for bid. The company’s owner takes one look at their flannel outfits and throws them out on their ears, though not before Dean has eaten all of the mini-quiches and Sam has charmed the pants off his daughter, Sarah.

 
He does love his canapés.

The boys settle in to the MOST FLAMBOYANT MOTEL ROOM EVER.

Polka dots aren’t a theme. They’re a way of life.

The investigation shows that the creepy portrait keeps being resold after its owners turn up murdered. The Winchesters decide to put a stop to that, breaking into the auction house, cutting the painting from the frame and setting it ablaze in the courtyard. Later, when they discover the painting has regrown itself from thin air into the frame, they decide more drastic measures are required.

They research the portrait’s subjects themselves, finding a newspaper article which reads, “Father Slaughters Family, Kills Self.” “Yeah. That sounds about right,” Dean says wearily. They also find a copy of the portrait from a book and note there are several differences from the real thing. Apparently, the portrait changes.

With the help of the auctioneer’s daughter, Sarah, they discover where the portrait patriarch is buried and burn his bones. But as it turns out, he was never the killer at all. It was his creepy adopted daughter.

She’s still pretty handy with that razor blade.

In a plot highly reminiscent of Supernatural’s own earlier episode, “Hook Man,” Sam and the pretty girl run from the murderous, stabbity ghost until Dean finds the object holding it to the world of the living and burns it. Yay?

Brotherly Angst Quotient: Celibate

During the course of trying to ply information from her, Sam takes Sarah on the world’s most awkward first date in which he stutters over the wine list and refuses to answer any personal questions. Dean tells Sam he should just hook up with her, he’s cranky from not getting laid and besides, his dead girlfriend Jessica would want him to have fun, right? Sensitive as ever.

Eventually, Sarah pipes up on the subject, asking if they’re going to hook up or what. Sam says he can’t be with any girl, his life’s too dangerous, she might get hurt or, you know, dead. Sarah reminds him that’s the girl’s choice, not his. By the end of the episode he agrees, leaving her with a pretty hot kiss.

Where in the World is Papa Winchester?: Wholly Absent.

How Drunk Are We?: At four drinks, just enough to not give this recycled plot too much side-eye.

Soundtrack: “Bad Time (To Be In Love)” by Grand Funk Railroad.

The Quotable Winchesters: “You guys seem to be uncomfortably comfortable with this.” –Sarah, on watching the Winchesters dig up a body.

Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic: Dean is waaaay too interested in whether Sam tries to get it on with Sarah.

Notable Cameo: None.

And as your reward for sticking with me, here’s your bonus sexy photo:

Provenance unknown, but a fitting end to football season, I think.

Next week: Bobby Singer!!!

BOOK REPORT for The Swap by Megan Shull

Cover Story: A Mile in My Shoes
Drinking Buddy/BFF Charm: Dude!/You Go, Girl!
Testosterone Level/Swoonworthy Scale: Ahem...
Talky Talk: Strong Characters Overcome Weak Plot
Bonus Factor: Gender-Bending Shenanigans
Bromance Status/Relationship Status: Let Us Never Speak of This Again

Cover Story: A Mile in My Shoes

Props to the designer for not having a cover with a hunky teen boy sitting with his legs crossed and his hands neatly folded, next to a cute girl picking her teeth and scratching herself.

The Deal:

Thirteen-year-old Jack is the youngest of four brothers, an up and coming hockey star, and the cutest boy in school (something he's comically unaware of). But things aren't great. His mother passed away a year ago and his father has lost all sense of humor. His four sons will be perfectly obedient manly men. That means addressing him as 'Sir.' Five AM runs. Beds to be made with hospital corners. And no breaking the rules. Ever.

Meanwhile, twelve-year-old Ellie doesn't know what to do. Her father has abandoned the family. Sassy, her BFF since kindergarten (yes, her name really is 'Sassy'), is suddenly in full on middle school bitch mode, making fun of Ellie and running with the popular crowd. Ellie knows if she was just a little prettier, if she acted just a little cooler, Sassy would be her friend again. Things could go back to the way they were before.

When Jack and Ellie both wind up in the school clinic at the same time, they kind of hit it off. Since they're both having a shitty day, Jack offhandedly mentions maybe they should change lives. The school nurse overhears this and somehow casts a spell, causing the two to swap bodies.

The nurse has vanished, school is over, and Jack and Ellie know no one will believe them. They're forced to go to each other's home and spend the weekend in the wrong body, hoping that the nurse can set everything to rights on Monday morning.

What could go wrong?

Drinking Buddy/BFF Charm: Dude!/You Go, Girl!

Now obviously this plot is totally ridiculous. We're never told how the nurse switched the two, or why. Jack and Ellie never worry that she can't or won't change them back. But the book is saved from absurdity by two genuinely likeable characters.

Jack, despite his good looks and jock attitude, is terrified of girls. Ellie, still stinging from her parents' divorce and Sassy's cruelty, doesn't realize she's pretty and has other friends.

And while the pair are terrified of the havoc the other is surely wreaking on their life, they both make a real effort not to screw things up for each other.

They totally screw things up, of course, but not maliciously.

Testosterone Level/Swoonworthy Scale: Ahem...

I know what you're thinking, but this is a middle grade book, starring a seventh and an eighth grader. Jack and Ellie play nice in each other's body, even going so far as to bathe without removing their underwear (and in Jack's case, his bra). Aside from some jokes about Ellie experiencing morning wood and Jack talking with Ellie's doctor about her period, this is all pretty PG-13 stuff.

But you have to wonder what went on between scenes...

I mean, Ellie's got to be a little curious, right? And Jack's a total horndog, obsessing about each girl he meets (including, unfortunately, Ellie's attractive, huggy mother). And when Jack first met Ellie, he said she was great looking.

I somehow doubt a thirteen-year-old boy would pass up the chance to look at real boobies, even if they were his own.

Talky Talk: Strong Characters Overcome Weak Plot

This book did have some problems. The supernatural aspect is never explained. Every male character talks in such bizarre slang it's almost impossible to understand. It's fairly obvious the kids will solve the other one's problems and learn something along the way.

But Jack and Ellie are likeable, funny kids who actually kind of make the best of their situation. Ellie likes her suddenly popularity, being able to do two-hundred pushups, and having brothers. Jack enjoys having a mother again, being able to eat junk food, and sleeping late (though old habits die hard. On his first morning as Ellie, Jack gets up and cleans her messy room).

The book held few surprises, but Jack and Ellie were engaging enough to keep me interested to the end.

Bonus Factor: Gender-Bending Shenanigans

Shull does a good job of avoiding the clichés you see in this sort of plot. I expected Ellie to break down crying in front of Jack's hockey team because she broke a nail, or for Jack to punch out some guy who tried to hold his hand. Actually, the kids are willing to go the extra mile not to be discovered. Ellie kind of enjoys running at dawn and bashing heads in the hockey rink. Jack submits to a mommy-daughter day of shopping and beauty treatments. He doesn't like it...but he doesn't hate it. And when he's forced to go to a slumber party with a bunch of girls from school...well, he has to do it, right? I mean, for Ellie's sake.

And this is only for a weekend, so things are easier to fake. Jack's brothers chalk his odd behavior up to a blow to the head in hockey practice and cover for him with their father. Ellie's mother thinks she's being morose and quiet because of Sassy and her parents' divorce.

This isn't a profound book, but it is funny.

Bromance Status/Relationship Status: Let Us Never Speak of This Again

Yeah, I'm not exactly running out to tell the world I read a gender swap book for middle schoolers. But I kind of had fun with it. Just don't tell anyone.

Welcome back to the YA Movie News Roundup, where most of our news is more YA-adjacent than strictly YA. But still, exciting stuff abounds, so let's hop to!

And first, let's talk Insurgent marketing. IT IS NUTS. See the crazy, meaningless poster above, and check the crazy, meaningless Super Bowl teaser below.

The Fantastic Four trailer, featuring one YA prince Miles Teller:

The Pitch Perfect 2 Super  Bowl teaser is, you know, pitch perfect:

Emma Roberts and Dave Franco are co-starring in an adaptation of Jeanne Ryan's Nerve, to be directed by Catfish's Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman. Read Brian's FYA review here.

New Ghostbusters! These ladies are all amazing and I love them.

What's changed from Fifty Shades of Grey the book to the movie. No tampon scene, thank sweet baby jesus.

That's it for this week! Give us your thoughts downstairs.

Previously on The Originals: Marcel flashes back to WWI and narrowly avoids death from werewolf bite, Hayley might have to tell Jackson that Hope is alive, and Finn is a bore boar.

Not the ghost of Avril Lavigne after all.

The Original Dysfunctional Family Drama

THE KINDRED’S HOME FOR WACKY WAYWARD WITCHES: Rebekah is having some crazy dreams about Freya being turned over to Aunt Dahlia, then goes off stealing apples and handing them off like the FDA Fruit Fairy. You might be stuck in an asylum, but by golly, you will GET your recommended daily servings of fruit!

We meet Freya in the common room, enjoying the finest that Tom & Jerry have to offer – Rebekah seems to recognize her, despite her being locked in a dusty coffin, but the connection isn’t quite there yet. When a nurse starts slamming Freya’s head against a table for “stealing” an apple, Rebekah punches a witch in the head and gets a broken hand for her trouble. Yeow. Us girls stick together indeed.

Freya starts lecturing Rebekah on standing beside her family, but Rebekah is too focused on escaping the asylum to realize her older sister is standing right there in front of her. Rebekah tries to get out of the asylum but Cassie – the vessel for Esther – has joined up with the Kindred people. Before they can attack Rebekah, Freya shows up to lay down some serious justice in the name of Tom & Jerry. I’m dead serious: she compares the asylum staff to a children’s cartoon. Then she strolls out the front door like a boss and gives Rebekah a message for their brothers: behave.

BACK IN THE BAYOU: Never fear, Klaus is here! He’s going to make sure Hayley doesn’t tell Jackson about baby Hope, no matter how luxuriously Jackson’s hair waves in the gentle wind or how intensely he gazes upon Hayley’s obscenely symmetrical features. Jackson says he has a secret of his own, one that Hayley might not be able to deal with: his grandfather was the wolf who killed Hayley’s parents. Hayley doesn’t blame Jackson, and looks ready to offer up her own news – but before she can, Klaus intrudes upon the couple and wants to talk to Hayley.

Hayley trusts Jackson and his potential werewolf army; Klaus doesn’t. He tells Hayley to call the wedding off. (Dammit, Klaus, two steps forward last episode and one step back here.) Hayley drops the truth bomb that it’s Klaus who is the real danger to their daughter: he’s got a million enemies and is too paranoid to see that her wedding could help Hope.

Klaus genuinely tells Hayley that he does indeed trust her…and snaps her neck, because he doesn’t trust Jackson. He informs Jackson that he intends to execute him, because apparently speechifying runs in the Mikaelson blood. I guess when you are a centuries-old hybrid you don’t have to just murder people and run. This is convenient, because Hayley shows up to defend Jackson and reiterate that ffs, Klaus, SHE TRUSTS HIM.

Klaus backs down and tells Hayley to get married and tell Jackson their secret – but if Jackson betrays her, he’ll put Jackson’s head on a spike. This is all just a means to an end, though – once they’re married, Jackson’s fate will be a little less certain.

FINNCENT’S OEDIPAL FANTASY LAND: Kol and Davina put their unlinking-spell plans aside when Davina gets panicked texts from Aiden that Josh and Marcel are still missing – unconscious and trapped in a room with Finn’s Super Villain Speeches. My god, Finncent, have you no humanity at all? No one should have to listen to more than two of those per year!

Finn wants to torture Klaus’ secrets out of Marcel, but of course, Marcel has been compelled to forget what he knows. During yet another mustache-twirling performance, Kol shows up to join up with Finn (he likes that Finn turned Mikael into a “black magic battery pack”). Finn realizes that Aiden and Davina are with him, and curses Kol to remain Koleb until his “meaningless, lonely death.” “I will not miss you,” Finncent declares, which is the worst parting shot since the Eagles sang “now you’ll have to each your lunch all by yourself.”

By the end of the episode, Finncent has figured out that Hope is alive, and he’s going to make Marcel’s vampire army find her.

The Original Mythology

- Apparently Finn has the power to prevent Kol from body-jumping.

The Original Body Count

- No one died.

The Original Elegant Uncle Elijah Ruined Suit Count: 4

- Elijah remains pristine.

The Original WTF

- Sign me up for lessons in Davina’s glitter location spell. It’s sparkle time!
- MARCEL CALLED FINN A CHUMP, which is the true gift of Season 2. ILU MARCEL.
- “You sound like Sherlock Holmes after one too many tequilas.” TRUTH.

The Original Joseph Morgan Award For Tortured Hot People

This week, I'm giving it to Klaus, who shows us all that the a hefty dose of charm goes a long way in villain speeches. Take note, Finncent!

Next episode: Finncent's on the hunt and Klaus wants to kill his family, what else is new?

BOOK REPORT for I'll Meet You There by Heather Demetrios

Cover Story: Motel California
BFF Charm: Goose and Maverick
Swoonworthy Scale: 10
Talky Talk: She Says, He Remembers
Bonus Factors: Semper Fi, Depiction of Poverty, Kitschy Motel
Relationship Status: Take My Breath Away

Heather Demetrios has crafted a beautiful and deeply personal story. And when someone hands you their heart in a hardcover, you just want to clutch it to your own and never, ever let go. Read the full book report over at our series on Kirkus! (Spoiler alert: I talk about Top Gun. A lot.)

Psst -- there's still time to enter our giveaway for the book! And to get an exclusive handwritten love letter if you buy the book before Valentine's Day! Best of all, you can help out the Wounded Warrior Project if you buy the book this week!

WHAT AN EPISODE, JANESTERS. What an episode.

THIS WEEK'S MVP(arent)

Rogelio (as Santos as Rogelio as Santos), hands down. 

via

I have this FEELING in my chest…

BEST TELENOVELA TWIST

This episode was ALL TWISTS ALL THE TIME. But I called Rose's secret a billion years ago, so while her reveal (and Emilio's demise) was epic, I am still going to go with…

There are ZERO gifs of this on tumblr. Fandom! Do better!

(Although my very thoughtful father is suggesting that it is perhaps a bit too horrific even IN context to have in looping video format, let alone out of it. Father knows best, probably.)

BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT

Welcome back, giant Target bag! And thanks a lot, because now I'm remembering how much I need a spatula, coconut water, and gummy bears.

Runner-up: real-person wardrobe rotation, with hardworking student Jane finally recycling looks she's worn before like an honest-to-goodness human.

PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN

Jane was accidentally inseminated with Rafael's sperm BY Rafael's OBGYN sister Luisa who it turns out is an emotionally unstable alcoholic who rekindled an old romance with Rose, her and Raf's stepmother who is a very good/creepy whistler and who turned on Luisa and lied about their affair in order to convince Raf and Solano, Sr. to commit Luisa to a mental institution. The Solano family is one huge telenovela. Speaking of! Jane's dad Rogelio is the sexy, lauded leading man of his very own telenovela, The Passions of Santos, on which he got Jane "hired" as a writing intern. Little does he know, Rogelio's assistant Nicholas has been scheming/making out with with the head writer behind Ro's back…

THIS WEEK

RIP Baby!Jane's Good Girl Status

Back when Jane was a wee girl, she borrowed her grandmother's beautiful gold earrings…only to immediately have them stolen by Sabrina the Teenage Witch (aka she lost them). After briefly entertaining the idea of tossing all her worldly possessions and herself out the window to go on the run, Jane admits what she did to Alba, who reassures Jane that she is her flesh and blood, and thus will always be forgiven—a lesson that will stay with her forever.

via

RIP Raf's Embargo on Seeing Luisa

Yes, Jane is ALL about forgiveness. She's even willing—nay, ready!—to forgive Luisa. She is even willing to accompany Rafael to the mental institution to meet with Luisa and her therapist for a making amends session, she informs him over a leisurely fancy breakfast. And if he doesn't want to go with her, that's fine: she'll just go on her own. 

Not for the last time this week (and probably their whole relationship), Raf tips his head and says, "well played."

At the mental institution, Luisa's heartfelt apology follows the exact pattern Raf predicted it would—even to the result of Jane buying it entirely. Only: twist! Luisa needs to tell Raf that he hurt her, too. Because he was part of the decision to send her to the hospital, even knowing how scared she would be, given that their mother was institutionalized before committing suicide. 

via

Raf tries to explain how he sent Luisa to the hospital because of what happened to their mother, but does apologize for not having made a vision board about how his decision might affect her future, explaining how he has a ton going on right now. "Like what precisely?" asks the therapist completely for thearpy reasons and not at all for Sin Rostro-aiding reasons. "Maybe if Luisa knew what you were dealing with right now, she'd be able to feel less hurt." Yeah, maybe that, too.

Well for one, Raf reports, there have been a billion murders at his hotel, including one of a corkscrew-stabbed bellboy right outside their father's door, and the police are pretty sure that their father is Sin Rostro.

"A corkscrew???" Luisa asks, remembering the corkscrew she couldn't find in her father's suite one night when she got drunk in between resuming her affair with Rose and running off to Mexico. Instead of warning Raf or Jane, though, who are right there in the hospital with her, our ice cream bar lovin' lady doc instead writes a letter of apology/warning to Rose, which she charges Jane with delivering. 

Raf finds the letter before Jane can hand it off, however. He originally plans to keep it to himself, but after Luisa calls to leave him a voicemail to at least read what she wrote before deciding whether or not to give it to Rose (sure a lot of steps that could be avoided by just saying what she means out loud in the first place), he reads his sister's warning. And between that and this adorable confession from Jane:

via

…he decides to pass Luisa's warning along to Rose. Thank goodness, too. She'd sure have been in trouble without it.  --___--

RIP Jane's UNGlamorous Target Run Internship

Fully ensconced in the world of TV interning, Jane arrives to the writers' room laden with lunch and Target booty. "Say," says Dina Milagro, head Santos writer and secret lover of Nicholas the assistant, "what would you think of maybe taking a solo stab at writing the next episode of the show, no strings attached?"

"I trust everyone!" Jane exclaims, "bring it on!"

Actually, she worries that this is another confidence-building machination of Rogelio's, so runs to his dressing room to shake the truth out of him. "Are you acting your surprise right now?" she demands. "No, I suck in my gut and raise my chin and apply twinkle to my eyes and sparkle to my smile when I am acting," Rogelio says. "This surprise is real!" 

via

Jane is glowing. It's a huge career opportunity, her dad is proud of her, and she definitely for real got it allllll on her own. 

Only, the no-strings thing wasn't quite true, as Jane discovers when Nicholas hands her the story pages for her script the next day. Because the story she's scripting? Santos' death.

RIP Xo's Vow of Chastity

Unaware of the looming twist in Santos' story, Rogelio makes his way to Xo's bed that night to discuss how great Jane is/how great all of his and Xo's various body parts are/how great it would be if they had sex right now. 

via

They are both good about observing Xo's vow, though, and just sleep. Too bad for Ro, as he could have used the boost in dopamine to get him through the trauma that greets him at the Santos set the following day. Since Nicholas' explanation of the twist involved Ro being a huge pain to work with since moving the show to Miami, Jane does her best to tone down Ro's freakout when he goes to the writers' room to try to talk his way back into the lead role. Jane does a fairly good job serving as his interpreter, until Dina refuses to budge and Ro has just had enough.

via

He is the Hanna Marin of JtV: perfection.

Rogelio is devastated at his failure to change Dina's mind, and drowns himself in recordings of him in his glory days, eventually convincing himself that it is because he is old and no long sexy that he was fired. Xo comes THIS CLOSE to breaking her chastity vow to convince him that this is the opposite of true (although her holding off is maybe more convincing?), then makes the argument that he is basically Latin George Clooney: primed for silver fox movie stardom.

"I have always had a face meant for 3D," Rogelio admits humbly.

RIP El Presidente, We Hardly Knew Thee

And so Rogelio agrees to the death scene, with one condition: that it be the greatest (and sexiest) death scene of all time. No pressure or anything, Jane.

At first Jane's dialogue is stilted and too ironic. "You have to embrace the telenovela," Imaginary Santos declares in Janes living room. And after Alba comes in to bring Jane a writing snack and some grandmotherly words of support (and some memories about the earrings she replaced Alba's lost ones with when she was a child), Jane comes up with the perfect end for Santos—made even more perfect by the discovery that Nicholas was the one setting Rogelio up to look like a diva for the past few months, all to get the role of Santos' murderous son and thus take over the lead role.

via

("I can't believe you were right, but people really ARE terrible!" Jane exclaims to Rafael on the phone right before they film the death scene. "One of the things I love best about you," Raf replies, "is the fact that you don't really believe that.")

Rogelio takes his job very seriously, however, so when the lights go up and the cameras start rolling, he kills Jane's scene. Probably the first and last time that dialogue that contains a line about an affair with "my mother's half-sister's half-sister" will make me tear up.

The scene makes the whole crew explode in cheers once it's over, and makes Jane call Rogelio "dad" for the first time, at which his heart nearly explodes from his chest and my chest and all of our chests. 

Santos is dead; long live ROGELIO.

RIP Petra the Villain

Those yellow tulips last week may have been planted by dbag Lachlan, but Ivan the Hostage relly did escape, and this week Milos the psycho ex really has arrived at the Marbella. Has, in fact, made an appointment with the Marbella Event Coordinator to discuss plans for "a wedding." 

The Event Coordinator? Petra. And if she doesn't leave the high security suite Lachlan moved her and Magda to last week to take this meeting, Rafael isn't signing her paycheck. (Harsh for Petra and her mental state, but another good reminder of what a solid manager Raf is).

Forced by politeness/her lies/Raf's threat to sit down with psycho Milos in the middle of the Marbella's restaurant, Petra does a really commendable job not screaming and/or vomiting as Milos explains how he has been in a recovery/anger management program and has sought her out to explain that it wasn't HER he was trying to throw acid at, but MAGDA, who had been doing her damndest to keep the Czech lovebirds apart. It was even Milos who threw the koruna on the ground for Petra to pick up just so he could AVOID hitting her!

"Next time maybe go with, I shouldn't have thrown acid AT ALL," Petra says, with a remarkably straight face. Well Milos knows that NOW, sure.

Petra does not forgive him. She also doesn't want to hear any of his lies about other truths Magda is keeping hidden from her, like her being able to walk for one example that Petra finds absolutely inconceivable. Still, Milos promises that if she at least hears him out—and then still doesn't want to return to him—he will leave her alone forever.

Sweet words from an abusive ex. Petra leaves him to think about it, which here translates as weeping in the back stairwell. Which is where big-hearted optimist Jane finds her. Petra finds Jane's concern sweet and all, but doesn't want Jane to think she's such a monster that she'd pity her into being a shoulder to cry on. Jane's too much a softie, though, and settles in. And Petra keeps her honesty streak up and comes completely clean…

via

I am so here for complex villain redemption and female bonding.

And then the two bond further over the fake telenovela blood smeared on Jane's arm. Which, spoiler! Petra uses to out Magda's secret later that day, after Milos throws another koruna onto the carpet to grab Petra from behind and muffle her screams to once more demand she let him tell the truth…you know, like cute lovebirds do.

The only thing better than the shock of seeing that knife slide across Petra's jugular is the robot-zombie way she comes back to life, for which there IS a gif set. Somehow it is this action that freaks Magda out enough to jump from her wheelchair, as opposed to the very serious death threat and ACTUAL THROAT CUTTING moments earlier. So while Petra is justifiably freaked out/pissed off about Magda lying to her in the first place, she is for real not putting enough weight on the fact that her mom basically let her die.

Anyway, Petra kicks Magda out. Leaving her only friends in the world right now Lachlan, who is messing with her head and also is out of the country; Milos, who only barely recognizes that throwing acid at people is not healthy problem solving, and Jane.

GREAT.

RIP Michael's Detective Career/Bad Posture

UGHHHHH the less said about Michael, the better. First of all, it is not entirely clear if Michael has been suspended from the case/the force/even at all after Nadine's diming him out to their boss last week. At the very least he is not working with Nadine, whose main concern is that he is letting his obsession with Jane obstruct their investigation into Emilio. "YOU'RE JEALOUS" Michael declares, like the completely narrow-minded misogynist he hasn't grown out of being. And then he goes off to conduct his own rogue investigation into The Plastic Surgery Clinic (like…it's the only one in Miami?) to try to find a connection between them and the Solanos/the Marbella.

There are a billion reasons I don't buy Michael as a competent detective, but high among them lately rank his continued use of his terrible brother as consulting dbag/investigation interference, and also the fact that he went to a medical clinic with the express intent to get copies of electronic patient files and rather than bringing along a USB stick, depended on them having an accessible printer (in the exam room?? what kind of sham facility IS this place).

Anyway, Nadine is totally going to accept this illegally obtained evidence that points concretely to Emilio Solano as Sin Rostro (for real: she does). Thanks, Michael!

RIP Raf's Defense of Emilio

Raf spends the entirety of this and last episode trying to keep an increasingly freakd out Rose from running to the cops prematurely and ruining Emilio/the hotel's reputation. They have no evidence linking Emilio to the secret surgery suite! Raf exclaims, two seconds before seeing Emilio hand a wad of cash over to the burly subcontractor who scared Raf away from his "undercover investigations" last week.

"Okay, we can go to the cops," Raf says.

RIP Emilio. Just, RIP.

For reasons of Rich Men Do What They Want, Emilio is only back in town at all because he decided 1) to sweep Rose away on a secret sex vacation, and 2) to move his and Rose's departure for their surprise getaway to a surprise foreign locale from two days hence to TONIGHT. When he gets Rose alone in the dead quiet under-renovation courtyard to inform her of this change, she visibly shudders at what must certainly be her imminent kidnapping by an international druglord/demise. 

To distract him long enough to form a plan of escape, Rose turns sultry and suggests the two of them get a bit freaky in the open construction hole just there under that concrete chute, pls. Emilio is baffled then excited, especially as Rose starts to unbutton her blouse/strip off her unmentionables. GREAT distraction, Rose! Only, turns out it isn't to distract the probable druglord from kidnapping her. It's to KILL THE RUBE.

via

RIP Rose, and WELCOME SIN ROSTRO

What did I say last week? GOALS AF.

via

BTW, all but 22% of you voted for some variation of this outcome last week. Smarties.

I mean, we knew Rose was a monster when we watched her lie her pants off (pun intended) at Luisa's "intervention," resulting in Luisa's being shipped off to the mental hospital. But the ice cold calm in her eyes as she calls Raf to whimper about Emilio/Sin Rostro's "fleeing the country" without her? OH MAN.

That said…do we really think Emilio's concrete grave is going to hold him? 

NEXT WEEK

Jane the Pregnant Virgin…with complications. Guys, pregnancy is SO STRESSFUL and Jane is neither me NOR real! *freaked out emoji*

<--Jane the Virgin 1x11: Chapter Eleven

Jane the Virgin 1x13: Chapter Thirteen-->

Happy February, y'all!

Check out the video below for a tour of our TBR pile, then hit us up in the comments with the books you plan to devour this month.

Last week, on The O.C.

Follow the whole rewatch here!

Welcome back to The O.C. Rewatch Project! Last week Britt asked me how I felt about Marissa's behavior in the wake of her discovery of Juke. And although I'm the first to admit that Marissa will take any excuse to act out, burst into tears, destroy some patio furniture and accuse everyone she knows of trying to destroy her happiness, I feel like she has a pretty good excuse for melodrama when she learns that her mother has been laying her ex-boyfriend. Still and always: Team Juke. Juke Forever. I miss Juke.

Let's drink in remembrance of Juke!

The O.C. Drinking Game

Drink Once every time:

The ladies have a convo while primping in front of a mirror

Seth makes a nerdy reference

Someone says "Chino"

Anyone plays a video game

Summer says "ew"

Anyone eats a bagel

Anyone references The Valley

Drink Twice every time:

Someone says "Newpsie"

Fisticuffs occur (three times for pool fights!)

Someone grabs a cup of coffee

Ryan and Seth read comic books

Someone reminds us that Kaitlin Cooper exists

Onto the episodes!

1.25 "The Shower"

It's two weeks until Julie and Caleb's wedding, and so much has to be done! First up, the shower, which Julie reins Kirsten into organizing with Marissa's help. Marissa only agrees to participate because Caleb is blackmailing her into being nice to Julie and living with the two of them - a piece of information she still hasn't been able to break to Jimmy, who's so excited to have his daughter back under his roof. So she "helps" organize the couples shower by inviting Julie's sister and nemesis Aunt Cindy. And sure enough, Aunt Cindy seems to have every intention of mortifying Julie, using such colorful phrases around her fancy Newport friends - and even worse, around Caleb - as "monster trucks," "dropping trou," "Jell-O shots" and "the entire defensive line of our eighth grade football team." Julie is humiliated and furious, but then Cindy approaches her and apologizes, admitting that she just misses Julie, who took off for Newport and left Cindy in her past. They make up, and Caleb is very sweet about the whole thing, insisting that Cindy attend the wedding and then telling Julie, "There is nothing I could find out about you that would make me walk away." Julie just looks at him dubiously in response.

Marissa's still stressing about the whole Julie/Caleb thing, but at least she has Ryan! Well, almost. They're being really cute this week, which of course means it's high time for them to hit another snag. Theresa comes to town with a black eye delivered by that dirtbag Eddie. She goes to Sandy for legal advice, and he is as wonderful with her as can be, but promises to keep it from Ryan because he and Theresa both know Ryan will do something stupid, violent and not even a little helpful if he hears about this. Unfortunately, Ryan, Marissa and Theresa all run into each other in the most awkward way possible: 

And sure enough, after hearing that this isn't the first time Eddie's hit Theresa, Ryan ignores Seth and Sandy's advice, abandons Marissa at the shower, steals her car and takes off to Chino to kick Eddie's ass. But none of that is the worst of Ryan's behavior here: the worst is the way he yells at Theresa for considering going back to Eddie. It's terrible and makes me want to throttle him  - of course Theresa knows that she shouldn't be with the man who hit her, but she needs loving encouragement and patience right now - and she gets it from everyone else, including the Cohens and Marissa. But eventually Ryan, halfway to Chino, realizes his mistake, and he returns to talk to Theresa like an adult, and to convince her to move in with the Cohens temporarily until she figures out a permanent solution. Marissa is clearly wigging about this a little, but Kirsten gives her great advice - "Make room for her to be in his life. He's not going anywhere" - so when Ryan apologizes for bailing on Marissa at the shower (with her car), she sweetly forgives him and tells him she knows everything's going to be okay between them. They hug, but the episode ends with their mutually concerned faces. 

Also concerned: Kirsten, upon discovering, the same day as Marissa and Julie, that Jimmy and Hailey are now an item. Marissa's happy for them, Julie is blissfully ambivalent, but Kirsten thinks Hailey's just dating Jimmy to get to her. It's sort of an arrogant assumption, and Jimmy says as much, though nicely: "This isn't about you. Hailey and I - it feels real...So just be happy for me, okay?" Kirsten agrees, but doesn't look particularly happy about her promise to be happy.  Jimmy, on the other hand, is gonna be happy regardless, because Caleb paid him and Sandy $2.5 million for The Lighthouse and he has a hot young girlfriend.

Also unhappy: poor Seth Cohen, who insists on meeting Summer's dad, because it turns out that Summer is a real daddy's girl. She's nervous to introduce them, and she makes it clear that it's VERY important to her that her dad like Seth, and the sweet boy genuinely tries. 

And tries...

But, being a neurotic little weirdo, of course he quickly veers into Trying Too Hard territory, talking the man's ear off about comics and Summer's "vim and vigor." He uses the words "vim and vigor" way, way too many times. Summer's dad is NOT impressed, and just like that, it seems that Summer's fallen out of love with Seth Cohen. He does his best to win her back during the engagement shower, but she keeps avoiding him, and when he finally gives her a really sweet, mature speech, she just bursts into tears and runs away like so much Marissa Cooper:

How many times did I have to drink? 15

Best Seth Cohen line: As Seth glumly tells Ryan that he thinks he and Summer are over because of her dad, he adds, "Of all the love triangles to sink us, it is the least sexy."

Best pop culture reference: Julie sure loves her some Seger! "My wedding planner's a passive aggressive nitwit who has the audacity to question my taste in music! Bob Seger is not 'so over'."

Guess who? Aunt Cindy is played by Holly Fields, who has been in approximately one million things.

Incestuosity: Seth, trying to figure out their new family tree, points to Sandy and says "Julie Cooper's going to be your mother-in-law," pointing to Kirsten, "She's gonna be your step-mom" and then, pointing to himself, "Me and Marissa, we could be related? I don't know, I can't even do that math. But the real kicker is Julie Cooper is my grandma. My grandma wears Uggs!" This is before he even finds out that Jimmy Cooper is now dating Hailey Nichol. Good lord, this group of people.

Truest thing anybody said this week: Kirsten to Sandy: "Nothing good happens at our parties. Have you noticed that?"

1.26 "The Strip"

It's time to go to The Vegas, baby! Caleb's headed there, ostensibly for a bachelor party, and Seth, Sandy, Ryan and Jimmy invite themselves along, all for different reasons: Seth's trying to get over Summer, who still won't talk to him. Ryan's trying to win enough money to send Theresa to Atlanta, where she has a cousin willing to put her up if Theresa can afford the $2k for the flight. And at first it seems that Sandy and Jimmy just want to have fun, until they learn the reason for Caleb's generous offer to buy them out of The Lighthouse: he actually bribed that liquor licence commissioner to refuse a license so Caleb could instead up-sell the property to someone intending to turn it into a mall or something, and he's in Vegas to finalize the deal. Sandy puts the kibosh on that deal with some litigation threats, and he almost punches Caleb, but Jimmy shows up to do the job instead, after learning from Ryan (who slipped up) that Marissa is moving in with Caleb and Julie because Caleb's bribing her to do so. Jimmy punches Caleb OUT, and it is awesome.

The younger Cohen gets into plenty of trouble, himself.

But before he gets a chance to do any of that, a beautiful young woman named Jenn walks up to him and starts conversing. She even kisses him, trying to convince the pool security guard that she's Seth's guest. Unfortunately, an apologetic Summer was on the phone for that one: 

But newly single Seth shakes it off and spends the rest of the day with Jenn. She takes Ryan and Seth to a shady off-strip card game where a card-counting Ryan wins a ton of money, and when Seth invites all of Jenn's friends up to their penthouse (that includes a bowling alley, an extravagance Seth charged on Caleb's credit card to Sandy's immense approval), it turns out Jenn and all of her friends are prostitutes, and their pimp wants $5k for the day. Summer arrives at the same time, and Seth is getting hammered on all sides, but it all works out in the end - Ryan wins enough money to pay off the pimp (though not enough for Theresa's travel),  and Summer and Seth make up very cutely. 

Meanwhile, in Newport, the ladies are working on Julie's bachelorette party. Kirsten very much wants a sedate affair, but Julie is begging - literally begging - for a stripper. 

She wheedles so cutely that Kirsten finally gives in and asks Hailey (her stripping expert) to find a stripper for Julie. Hailey hates Julie, so she arranges to have several firefighter strippers arrive at the party with some nebulous plan to have a stripper (who looks like Kevin Sorbo, but isn't) seduce Julie into bed so Hailey could tell Caleb she cheated on him, or something. Julie figures it out, maybe, and the two get into a crazy fight that ends in the pool. Drink three times! Poor Kirsten.

And finally, Marissa's being sweet and hanging out with Theresa in Ryan's absence, but her patience is tested to its limits when Theresa tells her she's pregnant and it might be Ryan's. Gah, poor Theresa can't catch a break. Poor Marissa, too. And poor Ryan. Poor everybody. When Ryan stops by after Vegas to see Marissa, she tells him the news and makes it clear that she is NOT going to be okay with this. I mean, who can blame her, but also she sure knows how to make everything about her, doesn't she?

How many times did I have to drink? 11.

Best pop culture reference: Seth says that they're not staying at Caesar's because Celine Dion performs there, and Sandy sighs fondly, "Hey, mock if you must, but the woman can sing, sing, sing." Oh, Sandy.

Worst overshare: Hailey, telling Summer and Marissa that it's better when your parents disapprove of your boyfriends. "Otherwise the sex isn't any good." Marissa, understanding that Hailey means Jimmy, is aghast. Hailey also makes me laugh when she asks Kirsten about the bachelorette party: "How do you get yourself into these things? Does Julie Cooper have a picture of you wearing culottes or something?

Best Seth Cohen line: 

Sandy Cohen burn: He repeatedly refers to Caleb as "Cay-Cay," mocking Caleb's KiKi and JuJu nicknames for Kirsten and Julie.

Guess who? The pimp is played, against type, by Kevin Rankin, of Breaking Bad, Undeclared, Justified and FNL fame.

The grossest thing this week: The many different times a woman calls another woman a "whore," "slut" "skank" or "bitch." Second grossest: the fact that Julie Cooper wants to go to a full-frontal strip club called The Petting Zoo.

--

That's it for this week! A question for you guys, and Britt, for you too, as we end the first season next week: what's your favorite episode of Season One? 

And meet Britt here next Wednesday morning as she wraps up S1 and kicks off S2 with "The Ties That Bind" and "The Distance."

If you were on Twitter yesterday, you may have seen this Very Exciting tweet about The Raven Cycle from Maggie Stiefvater:

Title: THE RAVEN KING! Release date: 9/29/15. WHOOO.

— Maggie Stiefvater (@mstiefvater) February 3, 2015

SO MANY QUESTIONS, YOU GUYS. What will the cover look like? Are Ronan and Adam going to be together forever? Will Noah continue to fade away? What about Maura and Butternut? Will any of them find Glendower? What is Gwenllian's purpose? Will someone please kiss someone else? And most importantly, is Gansey really going to die permanently?

(If he dies permanently, well.)

What are your predictions? Are you pre-ordering the shizz out of this? Does 236 days seem like an eternity to you, too? Are you broadcasting that you're a fan with a That's So Raven Boys t-shirt? Let's flail together in the comments (and assume that there will be spoilers for the entire series)!

BOOK REPORT for The Mime Order (The Bone Season #2) by Samantha Shannon

Cover Story: Spirograph
BFF Charm: Heck Yes
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: Focus on the Family
Bonus Factors: Hints of Revolution, House Ghosts
Anti-Bonus Factors: Caste System, Bridge Book Blues
Relationship Status: I’ll Be Your Mollisher

Danger, Will Robinson! The Mime Order is the second book in the Bone Season series. If you have not read the first book—The Bone Season—turn away now. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. If you have read the first book, however, feel free to continue below. I will refrain from major spoilers in my review, but there might be hints at plot points and details about the story.

Cover Story: Spirograph

Although this cover isn’t as complex as the spirographs I used to make (like these), I have to give it an A for effort. There is something to be said about keeping it simple.

Also, I’m glad to see the designer/publisher is keeping with the unique aesthetic begun with The Bone Season’s cover. If this continues through the end of the series, the books will look absolutely fabulous all lined up on a shelf.

The Deal:

With the assistance of Warden and a group of other Sheol I prisoners, Paige has escaped the Rephaite prison. Escaping the confines of the Oxford penal colony doesn’t mean that she’s free, though—not in the slightest. Returning home to London means picking back up with Jaxon and the Seven Seals, who don’t really want to hear her plans for overthrowing Scion and driving out the Rephaites, and prefer that she just do her duties of collecting rent and keeping the peace in I-4 Cohort.

After what she experienced and learned in Sheol I, however, Paige isn’t content to just sit back on her laurels. But inciting a group of people to create revolution, particularly when said group is splintered and focused on their own problems, isn’t easy.

BFF Charm: Heck Yes

Although she’s called Pale Dreamer, Paige Mahoney is no milquetoast. She’s fierce and determined and can be downright vicious when the situation calls for it. She’s also loyal, but that loyalty only goes so far when “doing the right thing” comes first. I’d be completely afraid to get on her bad side, but, thankfully, Paige is someone I feel like I could be friends with easily. (Even if I am a ‘rottie*.)

*A.k.a. a regular ol’ boring human with no clairvoyant powers.

Swoonworthy Scale: 6

There was a lot of action in The Mime Order. Sadly, it was not really of the swoonworthy kind. Warden and Paige still share a sizzling connection, but they spend much of the book fighting it, or talking about how wrong it is (or what other people think of it). I get that they’re “so different” and it’s “frowned upon” for them to fraternize, but … I DON’T CARE. I will go down with this ship.

Talky Talk: Focus on the Family

If you’re familiar with this series (and as I mentioned in my review of The Bone Season), you know that Samantha Shannon has created for it a very unique world. The world within the books combines the feel of an older London—thorough inclusion of slang terms and language (that makes me thankful Shannon includes a glossary in the back of each book) and old timey settings and character descriptions—with the technology of one from the future. The Mime Order, however, goes into less of the technology of the time, and so feels more old-fashioned than its predecessor.

This shift in feel is likely because the novel focuses more on the Syndicate, or the group of quasi-criminals who rule the clairvoyant society that live under the noses of Scion. It’s fun to learn more about this group, even as it’s chilling to read about the nefarious things they are/get involved in.

Bonus Factor: Hints of Revolution

Like I’ve mentioned above, after returning to London, Paige isn’t content with just picking up where she left off. She knows so much more know about the way the world actually is. And she wants to share that knowledge with everyone else. Even if it means making waves tsunamis with the Syndicate.

Bonus Factor: House Ghosts

There are a variety of spirits who exist in the world of The Mime Order, some of them good, some of them very evil. The ones that hang around in the Seven Seals’ den, however, remind me so much of the House Ghosts of Hogwarts.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Caste System

The classification system that the clairvoyants in this universe are placed into (thanks, in part, to Jaxon’s The Seven Orders of Clairvoyance) are touched upon in The Bone Season, but they become more clear in The Mime Order. And it becomes clear that this order is more of a caste system than anything, with the lowest orders being forced to live in squalor. Much like with other casts systems, there’s no real reason for it, and that makes it even harder to stomach reading about.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Bridge Book Blues

According to the Internets, The Bone Season, when all is said and done, will be a seven-book series. As much as I enjoy reading these books, after finishing The Mime Order, I find myself wondering how/why seven books will be needed to tell the story.

Casting Call:

I cast Paige, Jaxon and Warden in my review of The Bone Season. To them, I’ll add:

Ophelia Lovibond as Eliza

Alexander Skarsgard as Nick

Diego Boneta as Zeke

Relationship Status: I’ll Be Your Mollisher

Part of me wishes we could have met after your story’s finished, Book. It would be much easier to immerse myself in your world all at once, rather than diving in and out infrequently. Your world is fascinating and engrossing, and I’ll stand up for you any day, even if I do have to preface my introductions with “It might take a bit to get into, but it’s so worth it.”

FTC Full Disclosure: I bought a copy of this book with my own money, and I received neither a private dance party with Tom Hiddleston nor money in exchange for this review. The Mime Order is available now.

Song lyric episode title? Classic Holywood film reference? Hanna and Mona in bed reading Poe? Must be a Dougherty episode!

(Spoiler: we loved every allusion.)

THIS WEEK’S MVP

Hanna, for finally giving voice to what we've been saying since season one. 

via

RESPECT TEENAGE GIRLS. And act like a responsible adult. Why is this so hard?

Bonus MVP: Caleb, for having a really kind and helpful talk with Emily about Talia and how anyone ever possibly gets together with another human when we’re all so awkward and life is so hard.

Emily: I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know what I want, but I just don’t know what I want.

Caleb: Scarily, that makes perfect sense to me.

THIS WEEK’S LVP

Holbrook, for proving himself too weak to keep his sanity/temper after just a few months of just a fraction of the psychological torture our four teen leads have been going through the past two years.

You were once our only hope for adult males, Gabe! That’ll teach us to ever believe in the ability/goodness of an adult man again, we guess.

BIGGEST SHOCK/BEST SURPRISE

Finally—the Liars are AHEAD of A on something! Accidentally, sure, but still. Nuts to you, A!*

via

*…unless A is Mona who was returning home to retrieve that evidence after Mike warned her it was in danger of going missing because of probably sketchy Lesli, in which case…whoops.

BIGGEST NO-DUH

The random male stranger Veronica invited into the Hastingses’ life and made Spencer interact with almost exclusively has begun to make Spencer think non-Hastings thoughts and thus must definitely go.

At least she’s consistent?

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

A rented out a storage unit under Hanna's name FOUR months ago (a month before Mona was murdered at LEAST, and probably also before Murder Train, by the show's own internal reckoning). Spencer and Caleb broke in and found bloody clothes in evience bags and a barrel that they all think contains Mona's dissolved body. Spencer was accepted to a dozen sun&fun colleges, but won't even open the welcome packets and maybe doesn't even WANT to go to college anymore. Talia confessed to Emily that she has eyes (aka is into Em). Ezra broke up with Aria "for her own good" and Aria finally turned into an IRL emoji. Hanna and Spencer had a screaming fight over who was more to blame for the cops (aka Toby) finding Hanna and Caleb at the storage unit with sabotage supplies. It was rough.

THIS WEEK

The Liars Summit That Lasted All Day

Outside Ezra Fitz’s RareBrew Books and Latte Emporium, Spencer explains to Emily and Aria how Toby can't tell her if it was human remains in the barrel…in fact, can't help them at all anymore. The two of them are on the outs because the Rosewood PD and also Spencer's inability to stop committing felonies in her hunt for A has (unsurprisingly!) broken the sweet, honorable Toby almost completely.

Spoby's sob story is interrupted when the other girls' attention suddenly shifts to something across the street. Guys! Did you know that Rosewood's only decent coffee shop is DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET from the charm school that is the RPD? Alexis didn't. Given Rosewood's geography, it shouldn't be a real surprise. And it also explains why Holbrook was hanging around there all the time back when he was decent. Anyway, sorry. The thing happening outside the RPD that so grabbed Emily and Aria's attention is Ali's defense lawyers…handing files over to Veronica Hastings. Welcome, Liar Parent of the Week!

"WHAT" the two girls demand in unison, turning on Spencer, "THE HELL." But no, Spencer explains, despite appearances (and precedent), her mom is not actively working against her own daughter (although precedent also shows that the Liars' parents' intentions count for basically negative). She’s “consulting” on Ali’s case to find out what her lawyers know. You know, to help the girls, and find out who is getting called to testify, etc. We guess this is smart? Although it seems pre-e-etty conflict of interest-y/not technically legal—nor smart as a plan on Ali's lawyers' part—but…that’s Rosewood.

Also across from New Brew, heading towards the RPD, is Hanna, who Spencer sprints to cut off. She wants to apologize for her part in their last-week’s fight, but is also braced for its continuation. The continuation doesn’t come, though, because Hanna is a perfect angel who is extremely mature, willing to learn from her mistakes, and well-moisturized. Let’s all heed Hanna’s advice: next time you’re in a fight with a friend, take a hot bath.

via

While Spencer and Hanna worry about each other's feelings and becoming friends again, Emily and Aria are left to make small talk. Which is, of course, about Ezra, who told Emily that he’s in Harrisburg this weekend, but told Aria nothing. Bummer. Wait—we mean HOORAAAAAAYYYY (*sound of victory horns blowing*) This episode features Zero Ezra! And that’s the last time today we will say type his name, amen.

Spencer and Hanna rejoin Em and Aria, but before Hanna can get a recap of Spencer's latest recap, their attention is once more diverted to across the street, where Holbrook is Hol-back, with just the most assholiest haircut.  

"Wait, WHAT," all four girls exclaim. Why is he surfacing now? What happened to all the good work he was making on their psyches/slates of innocence while "on professional leave" doing A(li)'s bidding? Rather than take this as a clue to perhaps consider other possibilities to who might be helping A(li), the Liars decide Alison sent Holbrook back as a passive aggressive chess move to torture them in close range. Although the exact mechanism of her machinations is less clear, that’s probably not a bad assumption on this show: when something weird happens, assume that it’s because Ali is trying to destroy you.

Presenting: Lesli Stone

While the three Liars who don't work for their wardrobe allowance are freaking out over how Caleb was called in again for questioning about the storage unit and how Hanna will definitely be next, a redhead in hipster frames and a mish-mash of Spencer and Aria's best costume choices sticks her head into RareBrew Books & Co and asks Emily the whereabouts of one…Hanna Marin. “I was a friend of Mona’s,” she says, ringing one thousand alarm bells in our heads. Her name is Lesli, and she’s here to…“be there” for Mama Vanderwaal and Mona’s friends.

The Liars are skeptical, rightfully. Spencer even reminds Hanna that the last time a mysterious friend-from-the-past showed up in Rosewood, it was CeCe Drake. We admire the fact that she seems to be actually learning from Plot Points Past, but shouldn’t the go-to name here really be Cousin Nate, aka “I pretended to be Maya’s cousin to get close to you and then I tried to kill Emily’s girlfriend so she had to stab me to death”? We’re just saying: maybe do some fact-checking on this one, guys. Although, now that we think of it, CeCe also tried to kill Emily by locking her in that sawmill box that one time. Unless it wasn't CeCe, but Ali. Unless it wasn't Ali, but Mona. Unless it wasn't Mona, but EzrA. Unless it was EMILY HERSELF.

At this point we wouldn't be surprised if we were A.

So anyway, Lesli Who Is Definitely Not Here to Murder Anyone sits the Liars down for a summit of her own, explaining how she and Mona have been friends forever, since meeting one summer at Mona's grandparents' house. She was even with Mama V on Thanksgiving when the police made the call about Mona's accident!

via

(This would probably be a great time for the Liars to remember the last time they heard this story, from a certain Shana Swim Fanatic, whose proximity to Ali's grandma made them such amazingly amazing best friends that Shana was willing to kill for her. But the Liars don't blink.)

Why wasn't Lesli at Mona's very tardy and easy to schedule around any conflicts memorial service? the Liars smartly want to know. Blah blah college, blah blah professors, blah blah exams, Lesli says. "But enough not talking about me! I just want to tell you all how incredibly grateful I am that you were such great friends to Mona lo these many years, and that you are being such great support to Mama V now that Mona is gone. Just SO GRATEFUL."

"Hanna, you need to do some classic fake-ditz Marin investigating into this ginger CeCe's story STAT," Spencer declares on the phone later that afternoon. "I gotta go paw through my mom's bag of confidential documents now, but call me when you have her entire life story, annotated, notarized, and in quadrupilcate."

Hanna+Lesli (subheading: Flashback!Hanna+Mona)

Despite having literally an entirely separate other storyline this episode, Hanna also handles the Lesli situation with aplomb. She treats Mona's "old friend" with perfect courtesy, accompanying her to the Vanderwaal estate and entertaining Lesli's youthful Mona memories—all without ever quite letting her own guard down.

This is wise, as Lesli doesn’t seem appropriately…what’s the word? Oh, right: terrified…of Mona. And we mean that in the stricken-in-the-face-of-awesome-power sense of the word. Lesli keeps exclaiming over how great it was the Liars were all friends with Mona, and Hanna’s all, “Mona was… complicated.” As in, “Mona… tried to kill us, a lot, with her brain. And also her car.” But Lesli seems to find Mona’s multitudes endearing.

via/via

Lesli also expresses maybe too much? interest in a giant, uncracked spine compendium of Edgar Allen Poe, which Mona apparently loved for the creep factor. Lesli cradles the book all the way to the Brew, where Mike spots it and freaks the eff out. "You can't just scatter all the things that made a person a person and expect everyone else to go along with it!" he shouts, nearly snatching the Poe from Lesli's arms. His freakout is so intense that literally no one notices how Lesli says "Mike! Mona talks about you all the time!"

Talks. TalkS. TALKS. #MonasNotDead #MakeItSo

Hanna inserts herself between them and promises Mike that she will make sure to return the book later that day. Mike leaves, and Lesli is visibly freaked out. She doesn't want to get anyone in trouble, but… "Ah, secrets!" Hanna exclaims. "Here: we should move closer to the perpetual secret machine that Spencer's backyard barn hobo artist made then." Lesli's secret? The night before she disapperared, Mona was on the phone with Lesli when a guy interrupted and told her to hang up and talk to him. Mona was supposed to call Lesli back but never did. Lesli thinks the voice was Mike's. Dun dun RED HERRING.

Throughout her afternoon with Lesli, Hanna keeps getting struck with flashbacks to a sleepover she had with Mona, featuring (natch) cute pjs, a spooky Poe readaloud, and the Wish Game. As in, if you had 3 wishes, what would you wish for? Hanna doesn’t like the game, but she knows Mona is good at it. And Mona’s IS good at it. Her only wish: to invent the classic 2002 Jesse “Swimfan” Bradford vehicle Clockstoppers.

via

Just kidding, sort of. What she really wishes for is a stopwatch to stop real time to let her run all over the world changing people's lives at a whim, taking what she wants, when she wants it, no one ever knowing the wiser. And when Hanna wakes her up in the middle of the night to try to wonder aloud about the uneven aging issues inherent in Mona's wish, and also what would happen if such a device really existed and Ali had it and came back years after disappearing—like, would they all even recognize her, that many years older? Mona was willing to play along with the aging conceit, but freaks the eff out at Hanna's Ali hypothetical.

"NO that ISN'T how it would work," Mona spits, sitting up to stare daggers at Hanna. "It'd be US she wouldn't recognize, and then she would go CRAZY and be sent to Radley and be stuck there FOREVER AND EVER and we'd all laugh our way to the bank." "Yeah, sure, right, of course," Flashback!Hanna demurs, before snuggling back under the covers.

via

Sidenote: we love how Hanna literally looks over her shoulder when having these flashbacks.

Anyway, Sleuth Extraordinaire Hanna quickly deduces that the Poe book has a secret compartment in the spine, hiding a tiny audio cassette. And using Caleb's bottomless desk drawer of outdated tech equipment, the two listen and discover that it is one of the Bethany Young session tapes Mona and Spencer stole from Radley, with Bethany shouting about how "she's an EVIL BITCH who can make ANYONE do ANYTHING and a plan needs to be made to STOP HER."

Good job, Han!

A Brief Intermission to Discuss the Perpetual Motion Machine Powered by Secrets

I.e., Rosewood! The real city that never sleeps (or tells a single truth).

But also, an art/engineering/whimsy work done by Spencer's whimsical resident artist, commissioned by He Who Must Not Be Named to ornament the RareBrew Books & Co Emporium Store Shop. It’s truly imaginative and the scenes are gorgeously shot, but the machine's real purpose is to give Spencer and Emily somewhere to tack their personal storylines this week. In short, Whimsy Boy inspires Spencer to consider not actually going to college (while simultaneously being rude/insightful about complicated "Gilgamesh in heels" murderer girls and towns that are woven together with secrets and lies), and the whimsical whisper table he creates inspires Emily to have a moment of personal clarity in the vicinity of Talia (and Talia’s lips).

via

The machine/installation is pretty cool, even if its symbolism—and the dialogue it spurs from everyone who interacts with this ep—is extremely on the nose. Not that we didn't love Spencer's blunt, "I don't want to figure it out. I just want to KNOW." Us too, Spence. Us too.

Spencer+Veronica

Spencer's role in wAr shenAnigans this week is to dig through confidential trial documents/ask her mother very leading questions.

"How's Holbrook being back?" Spencer asks with zero subtlety after pocketing the phone she just used to photograph all the papers in Veronica's bag. "I dunno," Mama Hastings retorts, "HOW ARE ALL THESE SAFETY SCHOOL ACCEPTANCES???"

Things in the Hastings family sure have slipped, now that the bar Spencer isn't even worried about meeting is no longer acceptance to the Hastings Hallowed UPenn, but just going to college at all. Spencer is having some reallllllll privileged white girl problems right now, A or no A.

via

"This is that Jonny, right?" Veronica demands. "Lazy, good-for-nothing artists. Just wasting their potential, and poisoning teen girls' minds!" Spencer tries to get her mom to spend ten minutes trying to recall what it was like to be 17 and not know what she wants to do with her life. Veronica actually looks at her daughter and empathizes for a hot second, but then a work call comes in and the Hastings Manor is once again all about barrels and blood spots and DNA analysis. (Conclusion: the blood drops near the barrel? ALI'S.)

Aria+Mike

Armed with Montgomery-pertinent clues from Veronica's confidential documents, and also the news about Ali's DNA evidence, Spencer heads over to Aria's to debrief. Just in case(/knowing absolutely that) Aria wasn’t listening the first two times she covered current events at the top of the episode, Spencer starts their meeting giving Aria one more rundown of more or less what parents are and more or less why they might on the very (very [very {very}]) rare occasion drop into town to do something for their kids. Once Aria is up to speed, Spencer lays down the real purpose of her visit: Mike’s name is in the lady prison visitor log book. Like, a lot of times.

"Maybe we should be a bit more aware of what your lovelorn little brother is up to these days," Spencer cautions. "Maybe you should MIND YOUR BEESWAX" Aria rejoins. And then she goes and spies on just what her lovelorn little brother is up to these days.

And what he is up to is working his way through the list of Hollywood classics that Mona made for him. On tonight: THEM! (exclamation point included), a 1954 black-and-white sci-fi movie starring a catatonic little blonde girl carrying a broken doll. "Mona was, like, really into details," Mike explains. "Like…really into them." YOU DON'T SAY.

His clear-headed analysis of Mona's personality makes Aria suspicious. Well, that and the fact that he loudly walks into the hall later, puts on a jacket under the bright light of the hall, and sneaks out of the house via the front door. She follows him, and totally creeps on his meditative moment on the wooden bridge from which more than one Hastings has thrown evidence to drown.

Mike pulls a ziploc from his coat and stares at it before leaving it on the railing. Of course Aria goes to check it out, holding her floor-length sheer leopard print skirt up to keep it from dragging in the mud. Mike's big secret: he is leaving sour patch kids out for the Rosewood bridge troll! Aria turns to leave, but lo!

via/via

Their interaction is super creepy, but also not that unfamiliar to those of us sisters who had near-in-age teen brothers, we'd imagine. Teen boys are just WEIRD, and emotionally compromised brothers who feel threatened all the more so.

Anyway, Mike demands to know why Aria followed him; she demands to know why he went to see Ali in jail. Well neither answer is either of their respective business, so. STALEMATE. Not that Aria is willing to let him go without pulling the Voice of Authority card on him (she spends so much ofher time with He Who Absconded to Harrisburg that she hardly ever gets to be the authority herself, after all), and so demands that Mike never return to the jail or talk to Ali ever, ever again!

"I am DONE taking other people's orders," Mike declares, before ordering ARIA never to follow him to the bridge again, then telling her how the woods are going to come alive and strangle her before she even makes it home.

Haleb+Holbrook

Before Lesli even appears on the scene at the start of the episode, Hanna vents to Aria and Spencer about how the police called Caleb in for a second interview about his fictional storage space and anyone suspicious he might have seen. "Like maybe I dunno YOU????" Aria shout-whispers. Thanks Aria, way to make Han more nervous.

Because Hanna is a great girlfriend and subtle sleuth, she accompanies Caleb to the RPD. She is, of course, freaked out, but Caleb assures her that he "locked" all their computers so their cameras can't be hacked ever again. Ummmm like three seasons too late, hacker dude? But thanks.

Anyway, Hanna can't point out his idiocy because Holbrook is throwing a tantrum in the other room about how this department is screwing up everything he worked for and now they are blaming HIM????? Then he goes to clear out his desk by throwing every paper ever written about Ali just everywhere. He has to storm past Caleb and Hanna on his way out, so Caleb stands guard between them, scowling like a bulldog. 

via

This is a really good A-move, slow burn discrediting Holbrook, the only cop to have been making any progress at all before Mona's murder. A, you're the best/worst!

As Han later explains to Em, she thinks that Holbrook is blaming the Liars for his career tanking. Victim blaming at its (and with Rosewood's) finest.

Unbeknownst to Hanna, Holbrook follows her to Caleb's when she brings him the mini-tape, and then again after she leaves. As she is driving down the dark road, blasting music that reminded Alexis so strongly of her entire high school life she had to take a moment and breathe, siren lights flash and Hanna pulls over. She gets all her documents ready, but no one comes to the window. Hell, no one is even in the cop car at all!

So, naturally, badass Hanna gets out her tire iron and goes to investigate. And, naturally, Gabriel Holbrook, the unhinged, Rosewood-infected adult male, lunges at her from the dark throwing all this shade about how it's HER fault he lost his career, how he can't believe he was brought down by a TEEN GIRL. Ali. He's talking about Ali. But he's taking it out on Hanna. And Hanna THROWS DOWN.

via

Alexis wants a recording of this whole interaction, verbatim, to play as a daily affirmation. FINALLY someone on the show calling out the adult who should know better for failing himself and them.

Also Holbrook clears himself of being Ali's henchman entirely by name-dropping the internal affairs lugs who have had him locked up in investigative red tape (and also a hotel room) for the past many months/weeks/days/whatevers. Which, btws, Tanner knows EVERYTHING about. 

Here, a gift for us all: 

Three Liar Summit

Because Em is getting her mack on at Lolita’s RearBrew Book Disco Lounge (exhbiting less chemistry than we thought was possible for Emily to exhibit with any other human being), only Aria and Spencer are available to convene for a nighttime summit with Hanna about everything that went down with Holbrook. "We're barking up the wrong henchman," she declares, mixing metaphors EXPERTLY.

Well then, Spencer declares at Peak Spencer, it must be Mike! NOPE, says Aria. And even if it HAD been him, it won't be anymore, because he won't be seeing Ali anymore, because Aria Montgomery TOLD HIM NOT TO.

via

GENIUS.

Mike's return to Ali's visitor's table is soundtracked with Bethany Young's EVIL BITCH session tape. Who is in on the plan? WHO IS IN ON THE PLAN?

A-Tag

A returns to Mona's creepy doll room under cover of night, looking for the Poe compendium Bethany tape. They are pissed to find it missing. Good job Hanna!

NEXT WEEK

BLOOD. SWEAT. AND FEARS. So, gym class?

<-- Pretty Little Liars 5x17: A Bin of Sin

Pretty Little Liars 5x19: Out, Damned Spot -->

Fellow scholars, let us convene on a subject that's caused quite a stir in our academic community. I'm certain that all of you have given it a serious amount of study, but for the sake of science, join me in the lab so that we may tackle it from every angle with a focused, collective energy.

Per the usual protocol, we must first view our subject as a whole:

Now we must proceed to the dissection. Given the enormity of these muscles this task, I ask for the utmost concentration.

BICEPS.

CLOSE-UP BICEPS.

BICEPS WITH SPARKS.

BICEPS WITH LESS SPARKS SO YOU'RE NOT DISTRACTED FROM THE BICEPS.

DANCING BICEPS.

DANCING BICEPS WITH BACK MUSCLE BONUS.

SEXY ELBOW.

SEXY V-NECK.

FARAWAY ABS. Also, those women are the luckiest extras in the history of time.

RED ABS. And re: extras, SO LUCKY. I'm pretty sure that one Channing pelvic thrust to the face equals a SAG card.

Director: "Okay, extras, in this scene, you need to look like you're having the best day of your life."

Extras: "NOT A PROBLEM."

FARAWAY SHIRTLESSNESS.

ABS. NOT THE KIND I WAS EXPECTING.

I would ask what the cuss the helmet girl is doing but I'm too distracted by Mr. Tiny White Shorts.

I hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is that giant disco ball. IS THIS HEAVEN, is what I'm asking.

BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT THAT HAS HAPPENED OR WILL EVER HAPPEN. FOREVER AND EVER AMEN.

That... will never get old. (For more gifs from this trailer, go here.) Also, who wants a Pepsi?

I just found my new favorite kind of sandwich. And I would like to order it every day. KTHX.

SO MUCH HOTNESS. (Although did anyone else notice that Joe Manganiello's moves are straight up goofy? I mean, I wouldn't say no, but where was the choreographer?! Probably distracted by all of those abs.)

EVEN CLOSER HOTNESS.

Hahaha, you're funny, trailer... but yes. I am very, very welcome. And also #blessed.

Is this Amber Heard? Assuming she's the new love interest, I hope she's ready for everyone to hate her.

SEXY BUTT. EVEN IN BAGGIE PANTS.

I like to call this shot, "Opening Night Face." Because this is what we'll all look like when we watch Magic Mike XXL for the first time.

CANNOT. WAIT.