…because it was set so low.*

Huh. Where have I heard something almost exactly like that before? Oh, right:

via/via

Oof, Ro…should have considered your audience a little more before giving that speech/greenlighting that Tiago arc

To his credit, Michael immediately pivoted to the correct position of, "Mostly here to watch and observe," but still: Oh, men! And oh, show! Trust Jane to make a very clear statement on the damage blind male allying can wreak, while still showing great compassion for and understanding of the perspectives of the men at fault. People are complex creatures! 

Okay then! This has been Alexis Recaps JtV in Five GIFs, and I will see you next week**.

* joke originally via I think @hologramvron on twitter, but her account is protected now and there is a full reddit thread on how misandrist and awful SJWs are in regards to her and that joke (refuse to link), so that is very cool!! Love the world we live in!!!!

** JK, the rest of the 'cap is below.

AWARDS

THIS WEEK'S MVP(arent)

Xiomara, for knowing her own mind and making a hard choice for herself rather than saddle any potential future (genetically #blessed) with a mother who'd resent the job. 

BEST TELENOVELA TWIST

A REVEALED GIGOLO

BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT

Kate Middleton-approved collapsible prams, obvi. 

PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN

REMEMBER THAT CRUMPLED ROSE ALBA USED TO COMPARE CLOSED KNEES TO A WOMAN'S WORTH? Jane does! But now she's a virgin momma and she's got the major hots for Professor Jonathan Chavez so maybe that rose can be a thing of the past. Maybe. In other parts of Miami, Raf and Petra are growing close again, in spite of the fact that he is still pining after Jane and Petra did knock *herself* up with his last pre-cancer sperm sample in a bid to force him to come back to her. At least the joke is on her, ending up pregnant with twins. Speaking of babies, Michael threw a tantrum that resulted in Mateo getting hurt and Jane thinking he lost his career while in point of fact he not only got to keep his career, but got to remain in charge of the Sin Rostro (Raf's step-mom)/Mutter (Raf's real mom) crime lord investigation he illegally obstructed in the first place. And speaking of other babies, Rogelio realized he wanted to marry Xiomara so they could start having their own, at which point Xiomara realized she never wanted any more babies of her own, so she could finally put herself and her career first. 

THIS WEEK

Through a Rose-Colored Flashback

Our beloved narrator opens the episode on Jane four years ago, when she didn't have a baby but DID have a Michael in her life. She also had just as active an imagination as she does today, as well as a tendency to romanticize the most quotidian, which taken together always push her towards the rosiest of worldviews. 

via

la la

In spite of the fact that the bouquet Michael brought for Jane is like a dozen virginity flowers, the two dive into a hot and heavy makeout sesh that is only briefly interrupted by his police badge digging into her pelvis. It quickly gets so hot that she has to pull away and finally come clean to Michael about 1) being a virgin and 2) saving herself until marriage, to which Michael's response is (and I fully admit that this is lovely): "oh…then I guess we’ll have to wait until we are married."

Motherhood By Any Other Name, Part I

Cut back to the present, where our Jane is perfectly sensible to how weird being a virgin mom is, and what is she really holding onto anyway??, and oh man oh MAN is Professor Hottie a professional hottie!!! So does this mean that Jane is seriously considering having sex? Xo wants to know. Verdict: Jane is VERY open to the possibility, yes!

Moving from a former dealbreaker to a new one, Xo leaves Jane so that she can psych herself up enough to sit down and have a Talk with Rogelio about the fact that she just does not ever want any more babies of her own. The Scientology discs come up briefly as a feint from Xo about how not knowing some things about HIM might be a dealbreaker for HER, but she (unfortunately for us) backs down on that before Ro can whip them out to finally show us all what Luciana has been holding over his head since the start of the season, confessing almost immediately that the topic was just a bluff to cover her guilt. The issue at hand is babies, nothing more. What Rogelio truly thinks about Xo's decision will have to wait, however, as he is needed on set to shoot Tiago at the helm of the American women's suffrage movement as the first male feminist in history—a role that Rogelio, like the best male feminist, genuinely thinks is a noble way to highlight and honor women's struggles.

via

Oh, Ro…never change.

Speaking of women's struggles, over at the Marbella Rafael is conscripting Jane to swoop in and help Petra here at the difficult tail end of an already difficult pregnancy. She bought a pram. A PRAM. The woman needs help. And it definitely won't be welcome from Raf, as he—to her face—called her hormonal. Besides, it's in Jane's best interests to make sure Petra is happy, since they are all six of them going to be family for the rest of time (yeah, he knows just how to get to her).

So Jane drops in on Petra, faking looking for Rafael, then quickly "clearing the air" about how she knows Petra only canceled the lunch because her mother, like murdered that guy or w/e, which Jane totally gets, she means, HER mom does crazy stuff all the time, too, ya know? and maybe Petra might be interested in, idk, a do-over? Maybe to talk babies some? Maybe to copy over Jane's old baby shower registry? Maybe…for Jane to throw her a baby shower proper?

Yes, Jane's super cazh drop-in ran off the rails pretty quickly, but look, only a monster would hear that Petra is forgoing a baby shower because her mom is in jail and that literally leaves no one else to throw it and NOT offer to step up, and Jane, well, Jane is no monster.

Xo, for her part, is very impressed with Jane's growth when Jane relates this pathetic story to her later that day, and is certain the shower will be GREAT. Me, too!

The Set-up…

Over at the police station, Michael and Susanna are still the only detectives chipping away at the sprawling international crime syndicate case that is the Sin Rostro/Mutter boondoggle. At least they have the microchip Rose kidnapped Mateo for, that Nadine magically hid inside of Michael's leg skin, the one with all the names and faces of all the criminals Rose (and maybe Elena?) ever brought through her secret plastic surgery center. And now that information has been decrypted, and has delivered a seemingly random dude to the interrogation room! He SEEMS totes normal/schlubby, but in reality? He is the fixed face of a Russian mafioso, and Michael and Susanna have chosen him as the linchpin for their sting operation to trap Rose and Elena in the act.

Later, Susanna accompanies Luisa to Raf's suite at the Marbella to apologize (again) for how her romance-driven actions—or in this case, her inaction—completely changed the course of her brother's life. She delivers a very moving monologue about how he needs to remember that she is an addict, and that addiction can take many forms, and that in this case, Luisa replaced one vice (alcohol) with another (Rose), but Rafael stonewalls her, and as soon as she is done, sends her right back into the hall, where a maid's cart laden with minibar alcohol trundles slowly by.

via

This is a very hard scene! And it is done so well. On the one hand, Rafael comes off as cruel and unyielding in the face of a person who is clearly hurting. On the other, Luisa's inability to control her reactions to life's surprises has resulted in Raf A) having Mateo, through which process he B) fell in love with Jane (both events stemming from Luisa's pap smear/insemination mix-up), whom he C) lost after Luisa compelled him to propose too soon, then D) lost again after the kidnapping fiasco and subsequent Rose-hunting nightmare that could have been stopped by Luisa turning Rose in instead of communicating with her secretly, and all of that isn't even mentioning E) the two babies currently inside Petra, which are there half in part because Luisa, high on her own possible second chances, went out of her way to convince Petra that Raf might still have feelings for her. So him not forgiving Luisa after just a single heartfelt cumulative apology? Kind of understandable!

Anyway, this whole thing will come back around to matter in a completely different way by the end of the episode.

Hot For Teacher

Elsewhere in Miami, Jane and Jonathan are finally on their first real date…and it is going V WELL. Jane even calls him pretentious (re: the substantive issues telenovelas tackles without being in your face about it) and somehow makes it come off as SEXY. The date goes so well, in fact, that they flirt and smooch and sparkle right up until the restaurant closes. Jane passes on going back to his place that first night, but does agree to meet at his place the next night for him to make her dinner. Yep: SEX IS ON THE TABLE.

"Are you really going to go through with it??" Xo and the rest of us want to know when Jane gets home later that night. Well, yeah, maybe! Jonathan IS the perfect guy to "just get it over with" with, after all—he's coming off a divorce and not in it for anything serious, plus he is going on a two-year sabbatical to Thailand after the summer is over (she would have needed to find a new advisor anyway, I guess, thanks a lot dude for telling her that upront!), and above all, she is VERY attracted to him. Yes, Jane. Xo knows. We all know. 

"We all know what?" Alba asks, echoing a similar question from the top of the episode when Xo and Jane were discussing the very same thing. And just as they did then, Jane and Xo change the subject lightning quick, then race out of the room. 

Jane's second date with Jonathan goes as well as she and Xo both predicted. As in, it gets hot and heavy like Jane predicted, and is snuffed out by Jane bringing up her childhood purity promise to her abuela, as Xo predicted. And even though Jonathan himself interrupted the makeout session first to bring up his major sex milestone issues (first time since divorce), thus prompting Jane to confess anything herself, it is of course Jane's confession that is held up as the cause of the mood dying. MEN. The two do rekindle the flame a bit the next day, when Jonathan texts to apologize and Jane (channeling Petra) texts back something racy, and before long they are sexting each other so effectively that Jonathan entreats her to drive straight over without even putting on pants, but after getting pulled over for speeding and being so humiliated at being pantsless that she hallucinates Michael telling her not to have sex, well, as you can imagine, the tryst doesn't even get off the ground. 

via

This was sort of funny, but was mostly just sad and scary! Thank GOD Jonathan is a legit good dude whose primary goal was for the two of them to share something nice or not share it at all, and NOT to wrest from her the sex she promised him—this show can get dark, but it is not dark this way. Again, thank god.

So Jonathan lends her a pair of his sweats and sends her home, still flowered. There, Alba finally corners Jane with the fact that she knows what Jane and Xo have been discussing all this time—the walls are thin and she's not dumb. She tells Jane that she supports her decision no matter what she chooses, and recognizes that Jane is an adult now who will be able to face the consequences of that choice in a more mature and healthy way than Alba did when *she* had sex before marriage, but that if Jane is crying with a guy, maybe he is not the one for her to have her firs—

WAIT. BACK UP. Yes! We all heard that right! Alba had sex before she married Abuelo Mateo, and she regretted personally and was shamed by her family, and didn't want Jane to face the same. Plus, she didn't want to encourage Xo's poor youthful choices. Anyway, all of that is water under the bridge (at least for the time being, although Alba has been Googling that old flame…), so Jane should just feel free to do what she wants, and know that her abuela will always cherish her.

Oil & Water? More Like Fire & Ice

The best arc of this week's episode (or ONLY part, if you were to be trying to glean information solely from tumblr gifsets) is the one between Jane and Petra as they try, then spectacularly fail, to kickstart a close friendship based on their mutually necessary interest in babies. Unsurprisingly, the two women have very different priorities for and expectations of parenting, and just as unsurprisingly, they manifest immediately upon Jane opening up her baby shower registry. Nothing that Jane recommends will ever be good enough for Petra, because Jane's goals were practical, economical, and geared towards a single baby, and Petra's are unfettered by cost restrictions or dreams of immediate maternal affection, and geared towards two babies. 

via

Also—and more importantly—everything that Jane recommends has the implicit secondary recommendation of Rafael, which carries with it the implicit reminder of his and Jane's strong emotional connection. Which issue is exacerbated by the reveal that Rafael was in on the plan for Jane to HELP Petra, a one-two punch that lands straight in Petra's weak spots: her autonomy, and the fact she is still in love with him. And so Petra calls off her friendship with Jane before it even has a chance to start, and stands up her own baby shower. When Jane finds her working in her office and calls her out on her bad behavior, the two finally have it out, Jane aggressively confessing that because of her own history with a small family and often lonely childhood, she decided to help Petra for her own sake, not Petra's. Knowing that Jane has suffered lightens Petra's spirits immensely (lol), and after they agree that neither of them wanted Jane to give an insincere baby shower toast about a Petra neither one of them would recognize, they finally go back downstairs, where Jane's toast is…

via

Well, it is very honest. And if we can keep calling Petra's twins two babies until the end of time, I will be so happy. 

Motherhood by Any Other Name, Part II

Back at the sufragette sound stage, Xo and Ro have spent the last several days on a merry-go-round of maybes. Maybe they should get engaged. Maybe those Scientology discs aren't as scandalous as he worried (Magic Ro XXL…has a nice ring to it, eh?). Maybe Rogelio will be okay with never having babies. Maybe Xo will change her mind in a few years and want babies after all. Maybe she should investigate getting her eggs frozen now, when she's 40, just in case those few years are more than a few. Maybe Xo will keep her own last name…no, wait, not that one, that's ridiculous (sigh, male feminists…).

via

SIGH

Xo hesitantly agreed to think about freezing her eggs, but had like no time to do so after her visit to the OBGYN revealed that 40-year old eggs qualify as "geriatric" and that her current point in the cycle was the exact right time to start pre-harvesting hormone treatments, so hey, here you go, a cooler full of injections!! But while Jane was running Petra down for her own shower, Xiomara volunteered to take baby Mateo off for a diaper change, and in doing so—choosing to be on diaper duty, rather than needing to be—she realized that she's gone well past the point of wanting to be a baby's one and only. She likes being a grandma. She likes having the choice to have a baby around, or not. And she will never, ever want to give that up. And so, breaking hers and Ro's and all our hearts, she gives him back his ring.

…And the Sting

And at last it is finally time for the Sin Rostro/Mutter sting operation, the one the VoG has been promising to us all along. Russian Rando is fitted with his wire, and about to be sent off to the surveilled meeting spot to deliver his info to Rose, but then…Luisa is in a drunken car crash! And commercial break!

When we get back, we find Luisa in her hospital bed, hurt but not dead. Well, we don't find her—Rose does. "You didn't change your face!" Luisa exclaims. "Would YOU paint the Sistine Chapel?" Rose smiles back. And Jane's rosey glasses pop down over both women's vision, as Rose tries to say goodbye for good, and Luisa suggests that maybe she *would* be willing to run away wtih her after all…

via

But then Susanna is at the door in undercover scrubs, gun drawn, and Rose is realizing that Luisa set her up, and the rose-tinted lenses fall away. THIS is the real sting, and Michael and Susanna and the SWAT team they finally filled in on the whole mess have the ICU surrounded. Only, Rose was prepared for something like this, and claims to have her own men perched outside Susanna's kid brother's bedroom, ready to shoot if Susanna doesn't drop the gun and escort her out of the building. And then the VoG tells us to pay extra close attention, as one of the women is about to die, and then the two of them are wrestling over the gun, and then it goes off in Rose's hands and shoots Susanna in the shoulder, and then Rose is through the stairwell door. And the next thing we know, VoG narrator has lost sight of the very woman he told us to watch! Moments later, Luisa and Michael converge on the spot the tussle went down. Susanna is wounded, and through the stairwell door, Rose's body lies cold, a blue silk cord wrapped around her throat…

Look: no one would paint over the Sistine Chapel, but a master artist might paint a second copy to have lying around, you know, just in case. Replace artist with criminal plastic surgeon and I think you'll see where I'm going with this. But yes, Luisa, it is still very sad!

And, At Last, the Kicker

Now that that's all over, Michael stops by to tell Jane that Rose is dead and even though Elena, her mentor and murderer, is in the wind, Mateo is TOTALLY SAFE 4EVER, so now he has decided and is decreeing that it is safe for them to be together again.

via

#WhosYourHero

Look, I know this is supposed to be v v romantic (she says Yes, obvi) and all, but I just cannot NOT hear him continuing to tell Jane how things are and when/what she is or is not allowed to feel.  I just CANNOT.

NEXT TIME

We all need to come to terms with, sigh, Michael coming back into Jane's life. Whether that sigh is resigned or romantic, well, I guess that is just between you and your genetically #blessed telenovela god. 

<-- Jane the Virgin 2x11: Chapter Thirty-Three

Jane the Virgin 2x13: Chapter Thirty-Five -->

Follow the whole rewatch here!

Last week, on Dawson’s Creek.

Welcome back to the Dawson's Creek Rewatch Project! Last week Meredith asked me if I love Andie McPhee as much as she does, and I have to say: DOYYYY. The McPhees are one of the few things I remember from my attempt at watching the show when it first aired, and if they've stuck with my memory for this long, I must love them completely. Or some hazy recollection of them, anyway.

Let's drink to my failing memory!

The Dawson's Creek Drinking Game

Drink Once every time:

Joey purses her mouth or chews on her lip

Joey tucks her hair behind her ear

Joey climbs into or out of Dawson's window

Sex makes Dawson and/or Joey extremely uncomfortable

Jen brings up her atheism

Grams says "Jennifaaah"

Someone says the words "black boyfriend" in reference to Bodie


Drink Twice every time:

Dawson mentions Spielberg

You have literally no idea why Joey is mad

Pacey gives someone a really good hug

Cool Jen Lindley is totally crapped on by the universe

Let's get started!

2.02 "Crossroads"

It's Pacey's birthday! Happy birthday, Pacey! Well, at least I remembered because Dawson sure as hell didn't. He's too busy making out with Joey and obsessing over their new relationship. Gail and Mitch bust the pair macking on Dawson's bed, and proceed to corner them separately for some awkward sex advice. It's adorable and hilarious, but all of this is distracting from poor Pacey, who failed his driving test ON HIS BIRTHDAY, and on top of that, no one seems to know it's his birthday - not even his best friend. Sheesh.

Joey and Dawson continue their makeout session tour. Next stop: Joey's room, where they share their gooey feelings and relish in their happiness, and then Joey drops some foreshadowing:

Immediately after she says this, she leaves the room to check on the baby and Dawson looks through her diary like the totally insecure brat he is. This kid takes every opportunity to screw things up. He reads an entry in which Joey is particularly catty about his filmmaking hopes, dissing his movies and his whole Spielberg wannabe persona, and sure, it's hurtful, but he had NO RIGHT to look through her private things. Obviously, he confronts her about it, and obviously Joey is furious and (rightfully) thinks that the issue isn't what she said in her journal, but that Dawson snooped and damaged her trust. The truth is that Joey has been dealing with her silly Dawson love for many years, and trashing him in her journal is her way of coping with it - NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF HIS DAMN BUSINESS.

Meanwhile, Jen and Abby are stuck on clean-up duty at school and they bond when Jen drops this passive-aggressive nugget:

And then we meet Jack! Andie's brother needs a job, so Joey hooks him up with a dishwashing gig. Jack is played by Kerr Smith and he's a TOTAL CUTIE:

After Jen convinces Pacey to party it up, to hell with Dawson and Joey and their gooey love BS, Jen and Abby decide to go to his beach bash and get white girl wasted. Seriously, they share ONE bottle of champers and they're both extremely sloshed and puking by the end of the night. And Jen tries to kiss Dawson because of course she does.

Back in the realm of grown-ups, and after they've doled out some teen sex advice, Gail and Mitch each seek advice of their own to save their marriage. Gail talks to Grams, and tells her that she's maxed out her Victoria's Secret card and bought all kinds of sex toys, to which Gram naively - and hilariously - offers that having an affair isn't the answer, but maybe renewing their vows is. Mitch hits up a buddy of his, who reveals that he and his wife are swingers, convincing Mitch that removing monogamy from the equation will relieve some of the pressure from his marriage. Gail does not agree.

Suddenly Dawson remembers that it's Pacey's birthday and apologizes for being a brat, while Pacey and Andie share some totally cute moments flirting with each other like kids in a schoolyard. We also get more hints that something with Andie is a little off.

By the end of the episode, Dawson has made up with both Joey and Pacey, and takes Pacey out for a little birthday spin on the boat:

How many times did I have to drink? 11 (I can definitely handle my booze better than Jen Lindley)

Best innuendo: While Dawson and Joey are macking on his bed, an infomercial for a sausage maker plays in the background. SAUSAGE, GET IT?

Best pop culture reference: Pacey says he has "A case of the Molly Ringwalds." Aww.

Oh, Mitch: His sex advice to Dawson: "Remember, no hat...no glove."

The truest thing anybody said this week: Pacey, to Dawson: "Your life is not that interesting." Preach, Pacey Witter. Preach.

The worst thing anybody said this week: Dawson tells Joey that she looked "so pretty, so vulnerable" in his movie. VULNERABLE? Gross, Dawson.

Pacey Witter's worst shirt: There are too many to choose from this week, but this one is supremely the worst:

Abby's best diss: Referring to Dawson - "Now that you're done hanging out with Forrest Gump & Co...."

2.03 "Alternative Lifestyles"

The jerk store called this week, and they're fresh out of Pacey and Jen and Joey, but before we get into their respective douche canoes, let's enjoy this cute moment when Mitch busts Joey in Dawson's room after he removed the ladder so she couldn't sneak in:

Sigh. So for once Dawson isn't the most insufferable teenager this week. The economics teacher pairs the kids up for an "alternative lifestyles assignment," which is actually a very useful project to help them prepare for budgeting issues in their future adult lives (Dawson totally gets it!). Pacey gets paired with Andie as a lower-middle class couple with three kids, which allows for some cute play-bickering until it turns into awful, real bickering when Andie drags Pacey to look at apartments for "research." Pacey is acting as immature as usual, so Andie calls him out, and he responds by asserting that he's merely fulfilling his destiny as the black sheep of the family and unleashes a torrent of insults. Here, read for yourself:

You want to know the reason this assignment is so fascinating to you? In reality, you've never had a problem in your life. You drive around in your Saab, you buy your new clothes, and you basically throw your money away. The idea that people actually have to budget their money is like some novelty to you. You're rich and you're spoiled and that's what it comes down to!

UGH. Poor Andie. But it does give us a nice moment between Pacey and Jack, who tells our boy Witter here that they may have come from privileged backgrounds, but it's not that simple anymore, and he should take it easy on Andie. We've spent maybe a total of five minutes with Jack McPhee, but he's already just the cutest, sweetest thing - and he has no idea how to mop a floor! I want to hug him.

Joey was the odd one out in class, so she was paired up with herself to research a budget for a successful businesswoman/single mother. Bessie's been over-working poor Joey (seriously, where the hell is Bodie?), but she offers to help with the assignment since she is a single businesswoman, after all. Joey rejects the offer by insisting that Bessie isn't "super successful," delivering an obliviously obnoxious back-handed diss in the process. Instead, Joey takes her teacher's suggestion and meets with a single mother who teaches art and runs her own interior design business. It's fine, I guess, whatever. Figure out your hopes and dreams, Joey.

And absolutely zero surprise here: Dawson and Jen have been paired up for the economics assignment, which gives Jen a chance to try and win him back - and by "win" I mean shamelessly throw herself at him with all the subtlety of a banjo. Guys, JEN IS SO DAMN THIRSTY:

It's not a good look, at all. Yes, Jen can do so much better than Dawson Leery (to be fair, all high school girls can do so much better than high school boys), and it's sad to watch her throw herself at someone who is no longer interested. Jen has zero respect for herself, and I like to imagine a future where she cringes at the memory of drooling all over this painfully white and whiney little boy. Like, every time she sees a trailer for a new Spielberg movie she reflexively winces and dives for the Raisinets.

Anyway! Jen is spiraling and it's incredibly difficult to watch. Also difficult to cope with this week: Mitch convinces Gail to give the open marriage thing a shot after he gets all mopey over some dude in accounting giving her a ride home (the guy DID kiss her on the cheek in a very unprofesh manner, though). After Mitch ditches her at home for a night out on the town, Gail reluctantly goes out for an evening on her own - but they both end up alone at their respective dives and they wind up back at home in bed together, in what has to be the coldest and least comfortable bed any two people have ever shared.

Meanwhile, Pacey makes up with Andie just as a very familiar and TOTALLY UNWELCOME FACE watches them creepily from her car outside the school. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

How many times did I have to drink? 10

Least likely dialogue: "I am a sexual being." No, Dawson. No you are not.

Most likely dialogue: From the always reliable Abby Morgan: "I want you to jump the gun. His gun. And I want all the gory details."

Hello, from 1998:

The most delusional thing anybody said this week: "I'm not humiliating anybody, Dawson. And I know that you're with Joey and I accept that. I just don't respect it. And I don't mean this in a slutty, self-degrading sort of way, but I want to let you know that you've got options. And I'm one of them." YOU ABSOLUTELY DO MEAN IT IN A SELF-DEGRADING WAY, JEN.

Guess who? Tamara is back. Let's burn everything down.

--

That's it for this week! I have a question for Meredith: Which is worse - Thirsty Jen or Jerk Store Pacey? I don't even need to ask you how you feel about Tamara's return because I'm pretty sure you're flipping a table right now.

Join Meredith back here next week when she covers "Tamara's Return" and "Full Moon Rising"!

BOOK REPORT for The Girl From Everywhere (The Girl From Everywhere #1) by Heidi Heilig

Cover Story: Private Eyes
BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 3
Talky Talk: Modern History
Bonus Factors: Diversity, Alternate History
Anti-Bonus Factor: Awful Grownup
Relationship Status: Look Me Up

Cover Story: Private Eyes

They’re watching you. They see your eve-ry move …

I really like everything about this cover—the strong text, the colors of the ship and the wave, the overall simplicity—other than the eyes in the wave. (Also, sorry not sorry for that earworm, but I can’t get it out of my head, and I need someone to share this with me. *clapclap*)

The Deal:

It’s not unheard for people to become world travelers before the age of 17. However, Nixie “Nix” Song’s case is slightly different: in additional to having traveled the world with her father, Slate, and the crew of the ship The Temptation, Nix has also traveled through time, thanks to Slate’s ability to Navigate. Using hand drawn maps, Slate can move The Temptation from one time period to another, even into fantastical worlds that shouldn’t really exist.

It’s a good life, albeit an unusual one, but there’s an underlying need to Slate’s Navigation—to get back to 1868 Honolulu, Hawaii before Nix’s mother died—that causes Nix unending stress. If they travel to a point earlier in her timeline, will she disappear completely?

BFF Charm: Yay

It would be difficult to be friends with Nix, if I wasn’t a member of her crew, considering that she is never sure where/when they’ll go. But I’d certainly be game to try, because she seems like she’d be a good one. She’s super intelligent, both book-wise and street-wise, and can read between the lines in a lot of situations. Plus, she might be able to Navigate, too (after Slate finally gives in to her requests and teaches her), and that would be an unforgettable experience.

Swoonworthy Scale: 3

Nix finds herself having feelings for a couple of guys over the course of the book, but even when they’re supposed to be Big Feelings, I never really felt the swoon.

Talky Talk: Modern History

Although much of The Girl From Everywhere takes place in late 1800s Honolulu, reading it from Nix’s perspective puts a modern colorization on the story—her being a world- and time-traveler gives her a much more modern viewpoint than she might have had had she grown up in the time period she was born into. Nix finds herself thinking, more than once, about how to behave and what she can say that’s appropriate for the time period. (Side note: I’d totally screw up, and often, trying to keep all that straight in my head.) I appreciate that Heidi Heilig actually wrote scenes like this; it certainly made Nix seem much more real, knowing that she wasn’t infalliable.

The Girl From Everywhere’s plot is a unique and engaging idea, and I enjoyed the characters and world building well-enough, but I often found myself wanting more. I wanted to dive deeper into their emotions and experiences, and get lost in their stories and travels. This book felt very much like an origin story; hopefully the subsequent book(s)—yes, it’s a #1—will have a bit more substance.

Bonus Factor: Diversity

As one might expect from a time-traveling story, the other members of Slate and Nix’s crew are from a variety of times and cultural backgrounds. One is a former monk, one is a thief straight out of One Thousand and One Nights, one is a former cattle rancher from North Africa who has a “ghost wife” (and is female herself). Nix is also half-Asian, on her mother’s side. Despite all of their differences, the crew is one big (mostly) happy family.

Bonus Factor: Alternate History

I love books with plots that are adjacent to what actually happened in history, and play with unusual or mysterious true stories. In the Author’s Note at the end of the book, Heilig outlines some of the history she played with in the plot of The Girl From Everywhere, and it’s a fascinating (if a little short) addition to the plot.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Awful Grownup

Nix spends much of The Girl From Everywhere in a snit over her father’s actions, decisions, and the way he treats her. She’s not wrong to do so—he’s kind of a terrible father. But much of their struggles stem from not sitting down and talking about things, which is why I wouldn’t go so far as to give him a Patty Chase Award.

Casting Call:

Janel Parrish as Nix

Relationship Status: Look Me Up

Next time you’re in my ZIP code—and time zone—Book, look me up. I’d love to hear more about your adventures, and see the items you’ve picked up along the way, but I’m not quite willing to drop everything and go with you just yet.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a copy of this book from Greenwillow Books, but got neither a private dance party with Tom Hiddleston nor money in exchange for this review. The Girl From Everywhere is available now.

Previously: Magnus (with help) saved Luke from a lethal alpha bite; Alec and Magnus grow closer; Clary learns of her parents' Shadowhunter history; and she also figured out where Jocelyn hid the Mortal Cup.

A quick housekeeping note: I've tweaked the categories a little, because it's getting harder to single out a Shadowloser that isn't Simon (although I actually didn't even Simon this episode, either!).

What Happened: 

Clary realizes that Jocelyn used her Angelic Powers to hide the Mortal Cup in her tarot cards, which are among some of the Fray/Fairchild/Fraychilds' belongings that Luke had stored in his desk at the precinct for safekeeping. But when Luke goes to retrieve the cards, he's intercepted by Internal Affairs Dick* Fisk, due to Luke's connection to recent suspicious (demonic) activities. With Luke under investigation, Clary comes up with a plausible and fun (for her) plan to get her and Jace into the precinct: she's looking for Luke's spare key to the loft, and Jace is the scummy cheating ex who followed her there -- and gets slapped in the face. All for naught, since everything from Luke's desk has been confiscated, and some Shadowhunter stealthiness is required to steal the Mortal Cup tarot card out of the precinct vault. 

*What? 'Dick' is a word for detective! And also accurate of his personality.

Fresh out of his internal affairs interrogation, Luke finds a dead Captain Vargas in her office. Except she was also seen alive and kicking long after her corpse indicates, because a shapeshifter demon has been impersonating her. The shapeshifter and their demon pals have tracked down the Shadowhunters as they're trying to vamoose with the Cup (Izzy and Alec arrived later as backup). The team splits up to better their chances of getting away... which means that Clary totally runs into a dead end, but she taps into her Angelic Power to pull the Mortal Cup from the card, saving herself by commanding the demons away with the Cup's powers. After thwarting a fake shapeshifter Jace, Clary safely returns to the Institute, going for some major PDA with Jace as poor heartbroken Alec looks on.

Meanwhile, Simon's been busy since we last saw him. And by that, I mean GETTIN' BUSY with Maureen! But vampire hallucinations mixed with unrequited Clary feelings make for a shitty morning-after, as Simon Rosses by calling Maureen the wrong name, then freaks out and bolts. After researching vampire movies**  and walking into a family intervention for his erratic behaviour, Simon finds himself drawn back to Hotel DuMort. Vampire Camille expositions that the effects of vampire blood in his system will eventually fade. Unless, of course, he's turned into a vampire, which seems to be a distinct possibility as Camille goes in to bite Simon.

**As opposed to consulting the demon experts that he knows, but OK. Even though it took said demon experts forever to notice what his mundane family picked up on right away.

Shadowhighlights:

•  AWWW YISS -- Alec not waking up at Institute, because he spent the night at Magnus'!... except he did it out of exhaustion and nothing actually happened. (Darn! Although, obvs, the show would never deprive us of seeing Malec play out onscreen, or the fandom might REVOLT.)

•  Domestic violence is never cool, even if it was just an act, but I appreciate Clary's flair for soap opera-level DRAMATICS.

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•  Alec failing miserably at charming the female police officer, but looking so cute while doing it. 

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•  Nice cut from Alec saying Jace and Clary wouldn't be sleeping together to their intentionally racy-sounding convo about deglamouring, even if the misdirection didn't fool anyone.

•  Speaking of not fooling anyone: the shapeshifter that Clary kills was so obviously not Jace, but the camera lingered a beat or two too enough to suggest doubt. Good fakeout, Show! And good instincts, Clary!

•  Clary and Jace's first kiss so much better than it was in the movie with the Demi Lovato soundtrack. (#NoDisrespectToDemiLovato #IActuallyLikeSomeOfHerLatestStuff)

Shadowlowlights:

•  Poor Maureen! Even if the show was unexpectedly and pleasantly nonchalant about its characters having sex.

•  ... Then again, Simon thinks Fifty Shades sex is something to aspire to. BRO, NO.

•  Grown Up Izzy packing up her old clothes and professional headshot of Meliorn, and also picking up the slack on filing incident reports. OMG, the Clave sounds so boring.

•  Simon's sister, Rebecca, referring to him "spazzing out", Show? Really? I know this is more of a UK thing, but 1) the show is available on Netflix worldwide, and 2) that line could have been easily rephrased.

•  Andddd the show squanders some of its editing goodwill with the dramatic pasta drop when Simon's family discover he's gone. 

Shadowhunters of the Week:

I couldn't choose between these two -- and since I make the rules of this recap, I don't have to! Clary's starting to get the hang of being a Shadowhunter, and homegirl just WENT FOR IT with that hug and kiss. And petulant Jace might be my fave Jace, esp. since that helps balance out his cocky, arrogant side. This episode made me like them a lot more individually, although jury's still out on whether or not they can achieve parabatai hotness together.

Say What?:

"If Valentine started creating Shadowhunters or gained control of demons, it'd be like Beyonce riding on a dinosaur through Times Square. People would notice." - Magnus, making the most out of his only scene. 

"Discreet? You look like something out of The Mummy movie." - Clary to a bandaged Luke, which makes Magnus titter. LONG LIVE THIS FRIENDSHIP.

"It sounded boring anyway." - Jace, pouting after Luke tells him to stay behind.

"I'm going to bring Alec with me next time. I don't think he's ever slapped me in the face." - Jace, still not over Clary's plan to infiltrate the precinct.

"[Alaric's] on our side." "You sure? Isn't that the line he used when he kidnapped you?" "Good point." - Clary and Jace, exhibiting a refreshing amount of common sense for this show.

"This will take all day." - Jace, when Clary takes her time going through Luke's belongings. 

"I've never heard him this quiet around pasta before." - Simon's mom, Elaine, making Simon the most likeable he's been to me in ages.

Swimfan Says...:

Here's Shadowhunter Chronicles expert, Meredith (@legallyblonde), with her thoughts!

•  In the book, there's a scene where Jace says he was 90% sure Clary was a Shadowhunter when he did her first rune, and she slaps him, hard, for "the other 10%."  Their scene in the police department was so entertaining, and not just because that bit was worked in. 

•  Speaking of distractions, Alec attempting to distract the officer at the front desk area was adorably awkward, and I also liked Isabelle's version of a pep talk. (I have a lot of feelings about TV!Alec, y'all.)

•  I would be a terrible Clace shipper if I did not mention THE KISS. While the movie version was very much how I'd pictured the scene, the overly loud cheesy song (sorry, Demi Lovato) overshadowed the moment. I liked how they did it, especially with Clary taking initiative to kiss Jace.  I'm also curious to see how it affects Alec and Jace.

Burning Question:

•  Will the vampire arc finally be over by next episode's end? PLEASE OH PLEASE, it's dragged on long enough.

Next episode: "Bad Blood"

Previously, on iZombie: Liv found out that Major slept with Rita while they were broken up, and told her roommate Gilda (Rita) all about it. Drake works for Mr. Boss, but is also a rat for Blaine, and Liv told him Blaine is trying to take over Boss’ drug trade. The tainted Utopium needed to make the zombie cure was finally found.

Grey Matters

Ravi has mixed up a zombie cure, using the tainted Utopium, and the recipe they used when Liv cured Major. They test it out on one of their lab rats, and within 24 hours, they have some seriously gruesome results.

While Drake is out on the town with his bros, the cops (hi Keith Mars!) haul him in. Once in an interview room at the station, we find out he’s been feeding them information about Mr. Boss’ organization, but when asked if he knows who else is moving in on the Utopium trade, he denies knowing anything.

After hearing a story about about one of Blaine’s previous takedowns, Mr. Boss realizes that Blaine is the D.A.’s informant in their case against him. He and his lackey, Kenny, kidnap Blaine and take him out to an open grave in the woods and slit his throat and WHAT.

Brain Melt

Drake is an undercover cop! My brain pretty much exploded. That scenario had definitely never occurred to me.

Rita/Gilda got found out, and beat down!

Blaine rose from the dead! Like, what in the hell does that mean? Is he a zombie again? That was a really convenient time for the cure to wear off.

The Brain

Leslie, the overly perky owner of the coffee shop, Positivity, dies when an air-conditioner falls on her from a second floor window. Clive and Liv discover that it wasn’t an accident. Leslie was a graduate of a “human potential” seminar, and her brain has Liv spouting overly optimistic platitudes, basically nauseating everyone around her.

The Real Monster

Despite the fact that Leslie had a bad falling out with her former partner, and current business rival, and the fact that she hired an ex-con with anger issues to work the register, the killer turns out to be her daughter, Cher’s, fake French boyfriend. Although the crime was orchestrated by Cher, she talks him into taking the fall. Then she sells the coffee shop and heads to Paris - which was her plan all along.

Winners and Chewsers

Winner: Liv. I have to give it to my girl who got to deck that heinous biatch, Rita. It’s been a long time coming. Unfortunately, she doesn’t yet know that it wasn’t just boyfriend betrayal, but that her roommate was spying on her for Max Rager.

Honorable Mention: Blaine. That guy is like a cockroach. Also? Dude can SING.

Loser: Major. He’s terrified about his impending doom, with the current “cure” looking less than successful. When he tried to confess to Liv about the zombies in the freezer, should something happen to him, she brushed him off because her boy toy was on the way over.

Words With a Bite

“Maybe this is God’s way of saying ‘whoa Seattle, too much coffee.’” - Liv

“Except in Clive Heaven, things are a little bit tougher than here on Earth.” - Ravi

“Your lips are moving, but it’s the system talking!” - Ex-con Pam

“I’ve been at the lab all day, so I didn’t even get a chance to primp. So, apologies if my hair looks like I’ve been driving with my head out the window of the Millennium Falcon.” - Ravi

“That’s a pretty good ass shot of me. Feel free to hang it in your locker.” - Drake

“I was a hell of a Dungeon Master.” - Mr. Boss

Picking Your Brain

You guys, that zombie rat! I may have nightmares forever.

What do we think of the Drake reveal?! I’m so glad he’s not as shady as he seemed, but he’s still keeping a pretty big secret from Liv, and that may not go down well. Also, why isn’t he informing on Blaine? Because that’s his brain hookup, or because of blackmail?

How much did you LOVE Gilda getting what was coming to her? I may have watched it twice. Feel free to join me in cackling with glee in the comments!

Next episode: iZombie returns March 22.

Shameless Self-Promotion!

Check out our iZombie themed t-shirts!

Ah, our seasonal middle-of-dire-action storytime hour! What a fun, frustrating, lovely, infuriating Teen Wolf tradition.

AWARDS

THIS WEEK'S WOLF PACK PUPPY

Well, dang…Mason, obviously! 

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Intense.

This time for being supernatural, though, not for being the pack's newest clever human. Ugh, Beacon Hills. Leave these kids alone, already! 

BEST REACTION TO SOMETHING SUPERNATURALLY RIDICULOUS

Stiles suggesting that he'd pick up Hayden's trick of kissing the pain away from any hurt wolves in the future, that was pretty good. 

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We volunteer as tribute.

Way to maximize your riduculously low amount of screentime, Stiles! I look forward to seeing you back on the mainstage next week.

WEEKLY REMINDER THAT BEACON HILLS IS ON A HELLMOUTH

Well, it seemed to have swallowed Kira the fearsome lightning fox right into the ground once The Beast went on its rampage, so.

REIGNING PRESIDENT OF THE SCOTT MCCALL FAN CLUB

Scott McCall, tbh. He knew he couldn't take on The Beast, but still took it on, all the while with a legit plan in mind for how to follow it, should he actually survive. Good job, Scott!

BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT

Season 5's CGI budget! I mean, I knew it was good, but did you see those WIGS? They clearly spent every last red dime on rendering that Beast of Shadow and Smoke.

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Totally worth those terrible wigs.

Man, if we can't have a logical (ever) or enjoyable (this season) plotline, at least we get something so great and scary to look at in the meantime.

Runner-up: Eagle Eye Cherry, for having their über-90s pop hit, "Save Tonight," so hauntingly covered as the perfect soundtrack to the introduction of Marie-Jeanne Vallée. What a match!

PREVIOUSLY ON TEEN WOLF

The Dread Doctors terrorized all the teens who'd ever survived a major surgery/organ transplant in Beacon Hills to find the ONE that would survive a magic-science transformation into the chimaeric reincarnation of history's most deadly (and psychotic) werewolf, the Beast of Gévaudan. They mostly failed, in the process creating a whole pack of sub-par chimaera teens who died horrible, violent deaths only to be resurrected by their only pre-Beacon Hills success, the horrible and violent Theo Raeken. Among these zombie chimaeras? Liam's girlfriend, Hayden, and Mason's new boycrush, Corey, neither of whom feel any greater fondness for Theo than they do for their high school baes. Meanwhile, Parrish discovered he is actually a Hellhound, then discovered that he is actually dead, which tbh seems like something Lydia the Banshee/harbinger of death probably should have sniffed out for herself without needing help from even a single Argent man. Also what should have been sniffed out already? The sneakers covered in Parrish's blood that left tracks at the last Hellhound v. Beast showdown, which Scott's entire pack used a charity lacrosse game as an excuse to search for by sight, despite having superwolf schnozzes, every last one of them. Obviously they failed! And then Liam leapt to his almost certain death to fight The Beast in head-to-head combat, as Scott was too busy inside the school fighting off Kira and her inner fox-demon to come help. And everyone, just everyone with eyes in Beacon Hills was finally presented with a supernatural disaster they couldn't pretend not to see. 

THIS WEEK

Scary Movie: French-Indian War

We open on the North American French Territories, late 18th century. The French and Indians are losing to the British, and a dashing French soldier named Sebastien has just collapsed, too wounded to keep up with his fleeing comrade. He slips and falls into an irregularly shaped muddy puddle, unable to keep his face from dipping into the murky water. His friend returns for him just before he can drown, however, and the two manage to make their way through the woods and rain to a dark cottage in which they hope to take cover. Unfortunately, the cottage is already occupied by a terrified woman who tells them they can't stay, in the cabin or in the woods, as there is a monster haunting the trees, a shapeshifter, a demon wolf. And then the camera pulls back to show the redcoats surrounding the cottage being picked off one by one by an enormous, unseen beast, a beast which eventually breaks its way inside to where Sebastien has let his last letter to his sister, Marie-Jeanne, drop to the floor…

"That woman, who would later successfully face the Beast with nothing more than a steel blade atop a wooden pike, she'd eventually become known as The Maid of Gévaudan," Grandpa Argent's voice rudely breaks in, JUST as Crystal Reed's lovely face graces our screens once more.

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o sal (French for: o hai)

And then we are pulled away from history and back to the present, where Parrish is none too impressed by the Argent Family Story Hour. "Maybe someone should ressurect her," he snaps, then storms out the basement lair's door. Still a little peeved at learning he's nothing but an undead avatar for the hound of Hell, I guess! Or about the fact that he doesn't predict death, like Lydia, but instead causes it. Well, "fact." For a guy who was just foricbly introduced to his own supernatural flipside, he sure didn't learn much. The Hellhound does NOT cause death, Parrish! I think! I think it just is drawn to where there is going to be a whole mass of it, and works to protect the world of the supernatural from suffering any more than it has to? I dunno. But I, like Lydia, am pretty sure "cause death" is not part of the job description.

Not that Lydia is let to chase after him and make that distinction. "YOU, Banshee-girl, you are actually the best weapon we think we have," the last Argent hunters standing tell her, as they blatantly keep her from going to best weapon herself all over the school The Beast is currently rampaging through. "You're just like Marie-Jeanne, skeptical and strong! Here, stand here helplessly for the next hour listening to every detail why."

Um, OFFENSE. Lydia was never skeptical. She was constantly and violently kept in the dark about dangerous supernatural things that were ruining her life that she totally suspected to be real but could get zero confirmation of from anyone in the know. But sure, hunter men! Tell the story your way!

We Don't Need No Education

Meanwhile, inside the school The Beast is currently rampaging through:

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Typical BHHS Tuesday

Yep, Liam survived! His guts are maybe about to fall out, but he totally survived, and now Hayden and Stiles are teaming up to get him through the post-lacrosse massacre mayhem to safety and to kickstart his healing. Stiles' suggestion, as always, is to find a way to hurt Liam more; Hayden's is to kiss the pain away. Which I think is a thing Liam did for her in 5A? (Oh—it is.) Anyway, it works, and soon enough Liam is on his way to mending.

Over at Scott's end of the building, things aren't much better. Kira and Lori Talbot are MIA, probably digging into Fox v. Wolf Round 2 down in the boiler room or something, so Scott is left all alone to wade through the still-stampeding sea of teen bodies to save whomever he can while keeping The Beast at bay. 

It does not go well.

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Hello from the other siiiiiiiiiide

Nice knowing you, True Alpha!

La Chasseuse

Back in Grandpa Argent's version of 18th-century France, Marie-Jeanne is hacking away at an apple while all the men at the tavern table behind her discuss the new monster to be terrorizing the local woods. She smirks skeptically at how croyable they are in the face of rumored magic monsters, but before she can voice any objections to the men sending an actual hunting party out after the imaginary creature, the tavern door swings open to reveal her long-gone soldier brother Sebastien—last seen holed up inside the Canadian cottage descended upon by the Montréal demon wolf, now miraculously returned, whole and hale. 

"If anyone is going to go out to hunt zis 'beast,'" he says boomingly, "it certainly must be ze best hunter we all know of—my own sister!" Alors, how could Marie-Jeanne possibly decline after an introduction like that?

And so she leads the hunting party the very next night, obviously expecting nothing worse than a large rabid dog, regardless of what Henri the town mystic/owner of the least worst fake French hair warns. Thankfully, that very same Henri is there with a fistful of mountain ash to fend off The Beast just as it is about to run Marie-Jeanne down.

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Like, it has lava in its veins?

"Zat was no wolf!" Crystal Reed's French accent cries out. YA DUH, Henri replies. It was a werewolf.

"See?" the Argent men tell Lydia, back in the present day. "She was just as reticent to believe as you were. NO. IGNORE THAT BANSHEE CALL IN YOUR SKULL. We're sure the school is fine! Back to the story…"

No Dark Sarcasm In The Classroom

Meanwhile, inside the school The Beast is still rampaging through:

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You're gonna need a bigger truck

Yes, despite the fact that the entire pack knew that the lacrosse game was going to be a major and majorly dangerous standoff, and despite the fact that Melissa, Deaton, and Braeden all were certain that the Desert Wolf would track Malia down there, full moon or no, no one invited Braeden to come help. Makes sense! She probably had a sexy Skype date with Derek to stay home for. At least he knows the deal anytime shotguns are mentioned, though, so I'm sure she will be right over.

Malia is no wallflower while she waits for Braeden to roll in shotguns blazing—nope, she's shaking down every scared-shitless sophomore she passes for any information at all on where Stiles is. Partly because the Desert Wolf threatened him in not so many words not so many long minutes ago, but mostly because she still puppy lurves him. Aw. 

La Chasse

"So Marie-Jeanne went back to Henri's Druid cabin and spent 1/1000th as long discussing the existence of werewolves and other supernatural creatures as your friends took considering whether or not to maybe tell you even part of what you already knew, Lydia," Grandpa Argent says, picking right back up on the Beast of Gévaudan yarn. 

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No, she meant your wig, dude. ALL y'all's wigs.

And what conclusion did Marie-Jeanne reach after Henri was done explaining werewolves? That she needed to know how to kill one, obviously. Which meant first needing to know how to identify one. This they accomplished by spiking several flagons of wine with wolfsbane, and gathering the whole town (well, the men of) together in the tavern to collectively toast to all the dead lost to the Beast, whether gone missing or during the hunt. One of the men shudders and breaks his glass, which Marie-Jeanne interprets as a sign. She brings him outside to the well to help him clean his hand, and only a few words pass between them before he knows that she knows that he knows what she is looking for. He gives her a cellar key, telling her everything she needs to know will be down there. 

Everything is, of course, bodies. So, so many bodies. Marie-Jeanne returns with her crossbow, aiming at the man's chest. He begs her to shoot, to put him out of his misery, but she sees the blood still dripping from his palm to the snow and realizes that he is not the Beast after all (healing factor? I guess?). "You are covering for 'im," she says, thinking through the problem out loud. And then the camera cuts to inside the tavern, twenty minutes ago, when her brother drank the wine and started reacting, and his friend crushed the glass to keep Marie-Jeanne distracted.

Marie-Jeanne races inside to confront her brother, and his personailty flips on a centime. He is the Beast, and he kills anyone and everyone who gets in his way (#reasons). HOW is he the Beast? Drinking from the footprint left behind by another werewolf, obviously (this is a real detail from some werewolf mythologies; human beings are insane.), which, if you remember, is what Sebastien did right before taking shelter in that poor Canadian woman's cottage. It is implied, via flashback to his glowing eyes and vicious candle blowing-out, that Sebastien was the wolf that slaughtered everyone inside and out of that cottage that night, but the first attack on the British soldiers *very clearly* came from deeper in the woods, and Sebastien had to have another wolf's paw print to drink from, so I would NOT BE SURPRISED if something about that werewolf's lineage came back into play in Season 6. Jeff Davis is notorious for laying groundwork for future storylines very early, and very subtlely.

Anyway! Just my own two centimes. For her part, Marie-Jeanne couldn't care less. Sebastien leaves her with a kiss on the foreheard, certain in his manly, brotherly way that he is safe from her, the only hunter who could possibly ever beat him, because she has too much familial love to ever actually kill him. My man! You have clearly never met an Argent woman before!

Hey! Teacher! Leave Those Kids Alone!

Meanwhile, back at the school The Beast is still, continuously rampaging through:

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Just here to prove me and my watchcap are not The Beast, TBH

Yep! Scott has finally revealed his true nature to the entire school population, or at least his entire, terrified lacrosse team. On the one hand, they were all smart to hide out in the library, because it is v unlikely that The Beast has wits enough to dig his host teen's ID card from his pockets to swipe in. On the other: it is The Beast. It can bust through whole buildings, nevermind the worst secured high school's dumb wooden library door.

This is exactly what it does, barely a moment after Scott successfully gets the human teenagers herded up to the second floor stacks. Scott knows he is in no shape to take The Beast one-on-one, but Parrish is too mopey to let the Hellhound out, and no one else is around, so…FIIIIIIIIGGGHHHHHHT.

And then! SUPER FIGHT! Because there is Liam, leaping in for a second go! And there is Braeden, shotguns, as promised, blazing! And there is Malia, coyote claws extended! And there is—nope, that's it. Still no Hellhound!Parrish, and still no Banshee-screaming Lydia or pistol-blazing Argents, and still no psycho-kitsune Kira, and still no Talbot sibling, and still no Hayden, and, insanely, still no Theo. But everyone else is there!

Oh, wait. Nevermind. The Beast is OUT. Like, straight out, through that giant shatterable window that used to be Derek's loft's only view of the real world. Dang. But not all is lost! Because Scott's big idea, fighting The Beast alone? Getting (finally) its scent.

La Victoire?

Lydia couldn't be at the library helping out, you see, because she was too busy hearing Grandpa Argent drone on* about how Marie-Jeanne spent three years tracking her brother all over the French countryside, and working with Henri to prepare the best weapon to kill him: a spear with a steel shaft forged with wolfsbane, mistletoe, and their own family blood. And between that magic and her own hunter's ingenuity…

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BOOM. A spear right through the heart, and a promise to him in his last dying moments that they would subject him, the man, to the Damnatio Memoriae. Which she and her whole village did, burning every paper he ever touched, every piece of property he ever owned, committing his name to no one's memory but her own.

"And if he remembers who he is now," Grandpa Argent warns, "the teen inside him will be dead forever." YES WE KNOW. WHY DO YOU THINK LYDIA IS SO KEEN TO GET OUT THERE TO FIND PARRIS AND HELP HER FRIENDS. But while she already knows that reason for the pack in general would care so deeply about finding The Beast and saving The Teen, what she doesn't know is why the Argents specifically seem to have such an obsession with her being the one to do it.

Marie-Jeanne married Henri, is why. Henri Argent. She was the first Hunter, and thus they are the last hope of her line to keep The Beast at bay. Well, actually, they present it as a much more callous, "if you beat The Beast, the Argent name will be remembered for doing so" way, which doesn't really track at all for Chris? But w/e. Doesn't matter. Lydia isn't having any of it. However strong and smart Marie-Jeanne was, and whatever heroic name she got passed down through history, she didn't beat The Beast alone—she had her friends, and the town, and so does Lydia. 

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Besides: she's not an Argent, and she is definitely not Allison. Which I definitely don't think was her disrespecting anyone! It was just Lydia being her regular boss bitch self, reminding these two dudes that what is it at stake is not a legacy: it's lives. And the more help they can get, the better. 

Unfortunately, right at the moment, Parrish is leaving his gun and badge on the Sheriff's desk. DUDE. TIMING. READ THE ROOM.

*hate the storyteller, love the story

Daaaaaaammmmmmnnnnn, Mason! Back At It Again With Them Bloody Vans*!

Following The Beast's scenet allllll the way into the school parking lot, Scott and Liam finally stop at the trunk of a beautiful, familiar, black car. Inside the trunk? A pair of beautiful, familiar, high-top sneakers. On their soles? Parrish's sticky red blood. Whose car is it?

Mason's. And just as he appears and Scott and Liam realize aloud what it all means, Corey materializes out of thin air and disappears Mason right along with him.

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Is it me you're looking for?

So Corey *did* figure out Mason's identity before anyone else! Somehow when they kissed? Even though they had kissed like, a hundred times already, THAT DAY?? But sure! It makes as much sense as Mason having placed his own bloody sneakers neatly in the pristine trunk of his own car without knowing he'd done so (he's an unconscious shifter, not a Hellhound sleepwalker), or every single one of this friends ignoring the smell of Parrish's blood on him/his car every day since the hospital fight, or no one in Mason's life/Melissa thinking about the fact that they are hunting down teens with two sets of DNA in them and not remember, huh, wasn't that Mason at some point?

In any case, we all know now, and it is VERY BAD NEWS. Mason is the best! I am sure he will survive the season, but it is a bummer that not even he gets to stay human. Beacon Hills truly is a Hellmouth garbage town, ruining the lives of everyone to cross its boundaries. I miss Isaac, but I guess at this point, I'm glad he was smart enough to remove himself from a world that would probably otherwise by now have killed him.

*probably not actually Vans, sorry memers

NEXT TIME

More mayhem!

<-- Teen Wolf 5x17: A Credible Threat

Teen Wolf 5x19: The Beast of Beacon Hills -->

Title: The Last Five Years
Year: 2015
Fix: Rom-Non-Com Musical

Netflix Summary:

A novelist and his actress wife recall the story of their relationship through music, starting from opposite points in time and meeting in the middle.

FYA Summary:

Beca from Pitch Perfect and Winn from Supergirl sing about the ups and downs of their relationship and the ups and downs of being an actress and a writer.

Familiar Faces:

Anna Kendrick as Cathy Hiatt

It’s no news that we’re big fans of Anna’s here at FYA HQ. She’s not only gorgeous, but she’s ridiculously talented, both onscreen and off. But nowhere does she excel more than in a musical—and in The Last Five Years, Anna steals the show as Cathy. There are hints of other roles of hers in Cathy, such as Beca from Pitch Perfect, but Cathy’s (unfortunately) a much more melancholy character.

Jeremy Jordan as Jamie Wellerstein

Until seeing this movie, I had no idea that Jeremy was a singer; I never watched Smash, and I’m not well-versed in the musical theater scene. He’s quite good, and he’s also quite good at playing a lead role, which those of us who watch him on Supergirl don’t really get to see. (Don’t get me wrong, Winn’s adorable and a great character, but he’s totally a sidekick.) It’s unfortunate that Jamie’s kind of an awful guy at times.

Couch-Sharing Capability: Low, Unless You Have Musical Theater Friends

Unlike most musical movies I’ve seen, which have large amounts of non-musical moments interspersed with the musical numbers, The Last Five Years is overwhelmingly song. The plot is easy to follow, but if you’re not a fan of musicals, this isn’t a movie for you.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: High

Although The Last Five Years is billed as a romantic comedy, there are very few minutes of levity. It’s an overwhelmingly depressing movie, and it’s hard to watch two people who were once in love (or at least lust) fall apart. Just watch out if you get sad when you’re inebriated, because that characteristic combined with this movie would not make for a pleasant evening.

Use of Your Netflix Subscription: Break Glass in Case of Too Much Happiness

I went into The Last Five Years looking for a smile, and finished with an ache in my heart. The movie was well acted and well sung, and I think the odd chronological order of the scenes was interesting, but man—what a downer.

We're pleased as punch to be joined by one of our faves Heather Demetrios, author of Exquisite Captive, the first book in the Dark Caravan Cycle trilogy. In honour of the upcoming release of the sequel, Blood Passage (available March 1st), Heather's here today to talk about the challenges of writing a second book in a series. Take it away, Heather!

I love series—especially trilogies. There is nothing more satisfying to me than living with characters I love in a world that I’m dying to be in over the span of several books. They tend to be the books I remember best because I necessarily have to devote more time to them. Most of my favorite characters are in series in part because I get to spend hours by their side. Can you imagine there being just one Harry Potter or Throne of Glass? One His Dark Materials, one Alanna? Hell no. Though sometimes crazy-making, it’s a delicious sort of torture when I have to wait for the next book. We’ll call it literary foreplay. By the time I get that book—whether I had to wait a year or a day—I am so ready, so hot and bothered for that story to continue.

All that being said, when an author decides to write a story in series and then falls down on the job I am NOT OKAY WITH THAT. Author and reader are entering into a contract with one another when embarking on a novel, or novels. It’s built on trust: I, author, will not waste precious hours of your life with a sub-par book; you, reader, will pick up my book, trusting I’ve upheld my end of the bargain. I get seriously pissed off when a series doesn’t get better as it goes along. And I get really annoyed when I’m reading a trilogy and book two is a lame-ass placeholder that does nothing but torture the reader unnecessarily and do very little to move the plot or character arcs forward.

That’s why I was terrified to write the second book in my Dark Caravan Cycle, Blood Passage. I didn’t want to let down myself, my readers, or my story. I didn’t want to write a bridge book that wasn’t as good as book one or book three. I didn’t want to save all the goods for the grand finale. I didn’t want it to only be a set-up for book three. And I really didn’t want to torture my readers or my characters. A few pet peeves about book twos (ones I promise not to do to you):

1. Most stories do not need to be told in series. And of the stories that are written in series, not all of them need to be three books. Two might suffice. But the author, instead of writing two badass books chock full of awesomeness, writes two good books sandwiching a mediocre book. Not cool.

2. Have you noticed how a lot of book two’s keep the romance in peril? Why does it have to be like that? I mean, sometimes it’s necessary for the story, but more often than not I can see the author behind the curtain trying to lengthen a romance’s arc unnecessarily. Pro tip: think of other things for your plot instead of making the romance do all the heavy lifting. It’s like, oh no another obstacle and another and another and, whoops—now you don’t know if they get together or not. The author’s dangling book three over your head and you’re swiping at it like a cat desperate for its toy.

3. I hate when a book two doesn’t really move the plot forward. It’s full of filler, usually in the form of unnecessary romance drama (like separating the characters for no reason other than to torture everyone involved, including the reader) or convenient situations that feel contrived. I’m willing to suspend my disbelief quite a lot, but book twos are often full of scenarios in which the protagonist is conveniently set up to do x so y can happen because PLOT. 

4. It’s all a set-up for book three; it’s too easy to see the machination of novel writing at work. Characters are being put in place, hints about future challenges are made without there being real, necessary challenges in book two.

5. It provides too much or too little backstory reminders from book one or puts exposition in inelegantly. I won’t assume you re-read book one or recently read it. It’s important that necessary backstory be given to the reader, but it needs to be done in a seamless, natural way.

There is nothing more satisfying than a good book two of a trilogy. All parties are happy and even more excited for book three. These are some of the things that make a book two sing:

1. It has all the things that made you fall in love with the series in the first place: it’s chock full of new settings, new major developments, believable romantic tension (if there is romance), and action scenes that move the story forward rather than simply just appear for no reason.

2. Introduces new characters that draw the reader deeper into the heart of the story by giving us their backstory and making them essential to the plot and the protagonist.

3. A protagonist who continues to grow and learn both about herself and the world around her. The last thing you want is a protagonist who is just waiting to have revelations in book three.

4. An exciting journey. In fantasy in particular there is often some kind of physical journey the protagonist and her allies take. This journey should only be in the book if it’s necessary and it should entice the reader by deepening the story’s world and revealing new things about it.

5. Good writing. Anyone ever noticed how sometimes the actual prose is lackluster, as if the writer is saving up all her good metaphors for book three? The writing should be just ascharged as book one.

Here are some of my favorite book twos (some are from longer series):

The Subtle Knife (Phillip Pullman, His Dark Materials)
The Ask and the Answer (Patrick Ness, Chaos Walking)
Lola and the Boy Next Door (Stephanie Perkins, Anna, Lola, Isla)
Crown of Midnight (Sarah J. Maas, Throne of Glass)
Dirty Wings (Sarah McCarry)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter)
In the Hand of the Goddess (Tamora Pierce, Song of the Lioness)
Anne of Avonlea (L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables)
Where She Went (Gayle Forman, If I Stay duololgy)
The Story of a New Name (Elena Ferrante, Neapolitan Novels)

If you’ve had some disappointing series…don’t give up! There is nothing more disappointing when a series doesn’t live up to expectations but for every one that doesn’t…there is one that does. Happy reading!

About the Author:

When she’s not traipsing around the world or spending time in imaginary places, Heather Demetrios lives with her husband in New York City. Originally from Los Angeles, she now calls the East Coast home. Heather has an MFA in Writing for Children and Young Adults from Vermont College of Fine Arts and is a recipient of the PEN New England Susan P. Bloom Discovery Award for her debut novel, Something Real. Her other novels include Exquisite Captive, the first in the Dark Caravan Cycle fantasy series, I’ll Meet You There and the multiplatform serial novel, The Lexie Project. She is the founder of Live Your What, a project dedicated to creating writing opportunities for underserved youth. Find out more about Heather and her books at www.heatherdemetrios.com, or come hang out with her on Twitter (@HDemetrios) and any number of social media sites.

Thanks so much for stopping by, Heather!

Blood Passage will be available on March 1st.

BOOK REPORT for The Madwoman Upstairs by Catherine Lowell

Cover Story: Grown Up Doodles
BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 7
Talky Talk: Reader, I Married Him
Bonus Factors: Brontë Sisters
Relationship Status: We Are Family

Cover Story: Grown Up Doodles

Not much to say about this cover, which is pretty and suggests the literary adventure within! (Grownup books so often get better covers.)

The Deal:

Sam Whipple is the last living descendant of the Brontë sisters. After her eccentric writer/alcoholic father dies, the dry-witted, formerly homeschooled Sam crosses the ocean to Oxford, in order to study English literature. (Only...she doesn't really like English literature, it seems.)

Her young, hot professor James Orville is the Mr. Rochester to her Jane, but he seems to hate studying the Brontës just as much as Sam does. When her father’s well-worn and annotated copies of Brontë books start showing up on her dorm room doorstep, Sam has a mystery on her hands. How did those precious books survive the fire—and is there really some sort of grand Bronte inheritance left for her?

This Jane Eyre retelling is full of (sometimes outrageous) literary analysis, humor, and slow-burn swoon—perfect for anyone with a fondness for the Brontë sisters and their contemporaries.

BFF Charm: Yay

Sam might not be for everyone, but to me she’s a drily hilarious smartass who somehow manages to get away with saying things I could only dream of. Of course, she’s also got some Shit To Deal With, like her unwelcome fame, the bizarre inheritance scavenger hunt, and making sense of why her mother left and her father raised her the way he did.

Swoonworthy Scale: 7

Now, while I should perhaps clutch my metaphorical pearls at a professor/student relationship, it was really hard to feel that way in the book. James pushes Sam away for a good portion, remaining professional, while delightfully harsh about her work product, which makes the age and power differential seem less one-sided. (James is a very young professor and Sam is an adult, mind you.) The fun of their relationship is watching him slowly wear down in the face of her relentless pursuit of her family mystery. HE LIKES HER, aww!

Talky Talk: Reader, I Married Him

Even if you’ve only made your way through Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, and/or The Tenant of Wildfell Hall once, you’re going to be in a much better place to understand some of the literary analysis and humor present here. (In fact, I finished the book having thought about the works of the Brontës a lot differently than I had before!)

Beyond the Brontës, Sam is delightful in her own right. She somehow gets away with saying things that I could only dream of, and it all works out in the end. This email of hers is a particular favorite of mine:

Dear Dr. Orville,
Hello. This is difficult for me to write, as I would prefer never to see you again. But would you please drop by my Tower sometime tomorrow afternoon?

Cordially,
Samantha

Yeah, I never got away with talking to my profs like that.

Bonus Factor: Oxford

As someone who longs to go back to school in order to have pretentious academic discussions with other like-minded souls, the idea of doing it at Oxford is even better. The Oxford of this book is appropriately moss-covered, misty, and dramatic, with an inordinate amount of teacher-student meetings in pubs. SIGN ME UP.

Casting Call:

Matthew Goode as James Orville

Who wouldn’t be hot for teacher when Matthew Goode is involved? I couldn’t think of anyone specific for Sam, but when I think “young, professorial, English, and hot,” Mr. Goode is always at the top of my list.

Relationship Status: We Are Family

Book, I wasn't sure what to expect when we went out on our date, but you quickly won me over with your deadpan charm and scholarly discussion. Instead of falling in love and figuring out we're related*, how about we just agree to be literary sisters? 

* I promise that will make sense later. It's not a spoiler for the book's plot, I promise.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a free review copy from Simon & Schuster. I received neither money nor a pet unicorn for writing this review, despite how hard I wished for one.  The Madwoman Upstairs will be available March 1.

Previously: Pike and his goons—including (sigggghhhh) Bellamy—massacre the (peaceful) grounder army, and Jaha returns to Arkadia to preach (crazy) about the City of Light.

THIS WEEK ON THE 100

Kane, Abby, Octavia and Miller continue to wage their secret rebellion against Pike by spying on him and his minions, who’ve decided that they need arable land to keep the Arkadians alive … arable land that just happens to be under a Grounder village. Octavia hears the plan, and attempts to get the Grounders to leave, but they decide to retaliate instead, which results in both a loss of the land and of Monroe’s life.

Meanwhile, Abby is preoccupied with Raven’s nonexistent pain, and the “keys” Jaha’s passing out amongst the Arkadians. Although there’s no evidence of drugs in the systems of those who’ve taken it, it’s obvious that there’s something up with the apparent cure-all, and so Abby puts a stop to the dissemination. But not before Raven hooks ALL-E up to the Ark’s system, looking for another version of the upgrade (or, as ALL-E and Jaha reveal, an upgrade). But it turns out that the upgrade, and ALL-E’s human creator, weren’t on the Ark—instead, they were on the all-but-forgotten (or purposefully forgotten) 13th station, Polaris.

 MOMENTS

- Kane and Miller being spies together.

- Miller having a moment with Bryan.

GIFs via aaronslivesy.tumblr.com

- Abby saving Jasper from ALL-E (and himself).

- Monty running back into the poison gas to save Monroe.

HOLY SH*T X 100

- Monty’s mom is OK with killing a kid?!

- Aw yeah, Abby! Way to make the first move.

- Jaha forgot who Wells was! OH SNAP, ALL-E, WHAT ARE YOU. (Other than silicon-based filaments that block pain receptors, natch. SCIENCE!)

- Titus captured Malfoy! And Titus is somehow connected to Polaris!

ARKADIAN OF THE WEEK

Octavia not only saved the Grounder kid, but also she kept her cool while acid sap dripped on her. Then, when she heard her brother once again being a horrible idiot and going along with Pike’s plan, she took action to save more innocents—even when said action also meant risking her own life.

SAY WHAT

“Bet you didn’t think we’d be breaking the law together when you arrested me on the Ark, huh?”—Miller, being adorably cocky

“My job is to keep us safe, not to be liked.”—Pike, speaking the truth.
“Then keep up the good work.”—Kane, replying sassily for us all.

“We’ve all been through so much that it’s hard to recognize hope, even when it’s right in front of us.”—Jackson, being the perfect segue for a Kabby moment.

GIFs via barryspivot.tumblr.com

“You only get scars once you’ve healed.”—Jasper, breaking my heart. (He might be super emo, but I can’t help but feel bad for the guy.)

“I don’t know if your death will bring me peace. But I know I don’t deserve it.”—Clarke, doing the right thing. (Maybe?)

BURNING QUESTIONS

- WHY ARE THE FARM STATION ADULTS THE ABSOLUTE WORST?!

- Why couldn’t Arkadia just build a farm outside of the village, rather than razing it to the ground? I’d bet the Grounders would lease them the land for the right price. (Or would have prior to the massacre, that is.)

- So Raven’s just cool with only being able to see ALL-E after taking the CiL Pill? (I know it would be COL pill, really, but CiL is so close to chill.)

- That rip over Emerson’s chest was in a really awkward (i.e., wardrobe malfunction) place, right?

- Did Jackson take the CiL Pill to get over the pain of Abby not loving him back?

- So at least one person survived the destruction of Polaris, yes? And landed on the surface to spread the CiL Pills?

I’m finally interested in the City of Light side plot, thanks to the end of this episode. And am also apparently all about the sweet moments amidst the hard ones. (Still totally disappointed in Bellamy, however.) What say you? Let’s head to the comments.

Next episode: “Thirteen”

Shameless Self-Promotion!

Check out our The 100 themed t-shirts!

HI EVERYONE! Catie & Alexis here, more or less!

AWARDS

#5YEARSFORWARD: BIGGEST SHOCK/BEST SURPRISE

The fact that every one of the Liars completely failed to take even a single picture of the hole to Murder Narnia. IT’S 2016! YOU HAVE A PHONE THAT EMOJI-A KEEPS TEXTING YOU ON! USE IT!

#5YEARSFORWARD: BIGGEST NO-DUH

The obvious fact that reintroducting Ezra to her daily life was a recipe for Aria's imminent unemployment.

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MOST UPVOTED NEW COMMENT ON TRIPADVISOR: ROSEWOOD

“My daughter and I were in the area this past week as part of a weeklong East Coast college tour, and had picked the date for our visit to Hollis specifically to coincide with the public lecture being given by the psych department chair (my daughter is interested mainly in psychology and criminal justice, and had told me her college brochure research indicated Hollis to have one of the best cooperative programs for the two this side of the Mississippi). When we got to the hall the talk was scheduled for, though, all we found was a crowd of people eating pig-topped cupcakes in exchange for answering a ten-page survey being distributed by the campus paper. And then, not only was the chair of the psych department NOT there to give the talk my daughter had been so looking forward to, but the survey questions didn’t even make sense! What newspaper anywhere is interested in knowing what the most isolated cabin trip five dozen people have ever been on is? My daughter insists that she is just as interested as ever in attending Hollis, but I just don’t know! ??? out of 5 stars. - John K., Stanford, 2016

MOST LIT ALLUSION

Let’s go with Caleb responding to Melissa’s cover story about how helpful to the polls her trip Out Of Town was with “Hail, the conqueror,” and say it is a nod to the 1944 Preston Sturges war hero/local politics satire, Hail the Conquering Hero.

“One writer described Hail the Conquering Hero as "a satire on mindless hero-worship, small-town politicians, and something we might call "Mom-ism," the almost idolatrous reverence that Americans have for the institution of Motherhood," and Sturges himself said that of all his films, it was "the one with the least wrong with it." (x)

On the one hand, this seems like a stretch…but on the other, it is the EXACT stretch PLL is prone to making.

THAT'S SO FREEFORM

It continues to be necessary to video chat with dumb boring boys, all the time.

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

Aria found a ladder leading to Murder Narnia through a hole busted into the back of the closet in Sara Harvey’s Radley Hotel room/Charlotte D’s Radley Sanitarium room, and Spencer followed her down. Aria’s parents wrote over every memory of what sneaking around for romantic trysts ever did to their family and snuck around on romantic trysts until Aria caught them and they finally admitted they’d gotten re-engaged. Aria’s new guy/publishing house co-worker Liam surprised us all with a visit to Rosewood to “talk” about “Ezra’s” newest “chapters” and how much their editor loved them/how obvious it was to him that Aria was the real author. Hanna blew up at her new guy, Jordan, over the fact that in like a single week she has had to bury her high school torturer, submit to endless police questioning about her possible role in said torturer’s murder, and leap off the her dream career path by quitting her NYC fashion job, and refuses to return to the city with him. Spencer cornered the Hollis reporter assigned to write the fluff piece about the snake person daughters of the Pennsylvania senate candidates working together to get out the youth vote, and accused him of conducting a much more invasive investigation into the Liars’ role in Charlotte’s death. State Police Detective Tanner swooped back into town to start her own invasive investigation, and informed Ali that some intrepid Rosewood citizen found a secret local restaurant called The Two Crows from which they called the DiLaurentis house phone on the night Charlotte ran away, then definitely did not plant (false?) information about the hollow metal rod murder weapon with her to track how long it took to spread to the other Liars. Caleb professionally hacked into Veronica’s opponent’s daughter’s cell phone on a hunt for emoji-A and came out the other side with new medical records about a recent possible resurgence of Veronica’s old Vague Illness, then smooched all up on Spencer until she interrupted their nightly face-caressing session with the discovery that Melissa’s suitcase was missing a hollow metal rod piece from its broken handle. Le gasp!

THIS WEEK

Rad Ali Summit
Remember when the Prom Moms all got drunk, and Pam led the charge to shake down Ken Dad for his miserable treatment of Ali/all their daughters? Well apparently that fiery, child-protecting Mama Bear spirit is in the Fields’ women’s blood! Because now Em’s beautiful eggs have all been stolen by emoji-A, and she is on the WARPATH, Sara Harvey dead in her sights.

Emily’s first stop is Sara’s hotel room (Sara having evidently checked out in a rush, after having thoroughly trashed the pin-tidy room Team Sparia broke into the week before) so that she can show Ali, for some reason, the hole busted through the back of the closet leading down to Murder Narnia. Hanna tags along, using her “in” with hotel management to gain honest access to the room, and is delightfully obsessed with images of Sara eating food off the dirty hotel carpet the whole time.

Emily, meanwhile, is so frothed up about Sara’s potential involvement in her egg-napping that she can’t think straight, and after finding the drywall in the disaster room’s closet smooth and intact, blindly interprets Ali’s “maybe this isn’t the right room” as “I really don’t think that Sara Harvey, whom I love and am defending to the death, had anything to do with anything,” rather than the “…so why don’t we check some others, or get to Murder Narnia via the exterior door” sense she almost certainly intended. “WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING HER, THIS GIRL HAS TWO FACES,” Emily exclaims, right as a maid with two literal faces (spoiler) wheels her cart through the room’s hall door.

Proving Aria’s assessment of the size of The Radley’s closest re: Boston apartments, the girls close themselves inside to avoid detection, and still have more than enough room to each pace around and wave their arms wildly as they argue, not quietly, over their next plan of action. Well, as Hanna and Ali argue; Emily is too busy banging her fists against the back wall, all “I’M NOT LEAVING UNTIL ALI SEES MURDER NARNIA.”

Eventually (thankfully), the bespectacled maid moves into the bathroom on the opposite end of the room, and the girls take the opportunity to sneak out the room’s ajar front door. Like dummies who have never snuck around a building they didn’t belong in, though, they let the door close loudly behind them, and the sound attracts the maid back into the main room. And then we see her turn to the cart and remove her 80s granny sunglasses, and the next thing we know, her glasses, her gloves, and her whole g-d face are lying in a neat pile on top of the maid’s cart, and we are never sleeping again.

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Aaaaand... nightmares.

ARIA

It's Not THAT Complicated
Despite the fact that everyone Aria ostensibly works with ostensibly has enough experience reading to know when and how to read between the lines (and also how to do some damn background research), not a one of them has picked up on the fact that maybe a junior publishing assistant committing so hard to supporting her former high school English teacher’s swan-diving career that she has basically moved back to Murdersville, PA is weird enough to warrant deeper inquiry. Nope! It’s just “wow you really are such a dedicated student, wow what a great teacher he must have been, wow maybe if I keep repeating the fact that no student owes her mere high school English teacher this dang much and you keep repeating that IT’S COMPLICATED *you* will eventually be the one to see the flaw in your own logic.”

Seriously, NO ONE (Liam) will shut up about how great Aria is as a human and a publishing assistant, but also how maybe as NAUGHT BUT A MERE FORMER STUDENT she should probably just call it a day.

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Anyway, as Aria repeats as they continue this cycle at Brewbarella’s yet again: it’s complicated. And while we appreciate Liam’s gentle joke about Ezra being so unfit for publishing success that he’s eating his cornflakes with rum, Aria does not, and refuses to untangle the knot of reasons why, and to come clean to their editor in the hopes of getting her own book contract, and of admitting to herself that she’s already turned out better work than fucking Ezra Fitz ever will. “He’s going to feel so betrayed,” she opines. “…by his old English student??” Liam repeats, loudly. “IT’S COMPLICATED,” Aria repeats, louder still.

Salad Daze
At lunch later that afternoon, Byron is working really hard to remind Aria of all the reasons she really shouldn’t be on board with this second wedding gambit, but she is too absorbed by thoughts of Ezra’s future disappointment in her as a person a thousand times better than he will ever be to really pay attention, or even to eat her salad. The last straw comes when Byron asks her to be the officiant at the ceremony, stressing that SHE is the writer in the family.

“I AM NOT YOU TAKE THAT BACK,” she exclaims. “Er, I mean…I just wouldn’t want Mike to feel left out.”

Nice try, Montgomery, but that was the wrong bluff to shoot for. Mike’s not coming! Why? Well, the reason Byron GIVES is that he thinks Mike is still bitter about the way the marriage ended the first time, and that he doesn’t trust Byron not to hurt Ella again (which: fair), but that is obviously just a cover for the fact that Byron and Ella got wind of the bloody swath their son was cutting across SoCal’s supernatural hotspots and decided not to extend an invitation in the first place.

“UmmmmmmK then I guess I’d be happy to,” Aria mumbles. YAY.

Boo
After lunch, Aria decides she has not yet filled her quota of Men Explaining Things to Her and so she heads to Ezra’s Brewzilla Books loft to finally come clean about the drunken mess she cleaned up for him. His dumb face is predictably patronizing at the news, just as predictable as his bruised-ego tone when he demands she tell him HOW happy his editor was to get Aria’s chapters instead of his.

Naturally, Aria offers to be honest with her editor about her own misconduct, and likely lose her job, rather than let Ezra go in and take the fall for his own damn drunken self, but he won’t let her. “You thought you were protecting me, and that a potential future jury might be more sympathetic to a manuscript about my painful history losing women in my life to extreme violence; this wasn’t a career move, it was an act of love, and you are forgiven.”

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BOTH/NEITHER??

And then we think—we THINK—he tells her she “can” just write the rest of it, rather than have him turn in his new chapters with a note that he’s taking a brand new direction. “Why not? Dickens got paid by the inch,” is a thing he actually does say, but we are standing so close to this raging inferno of hate that all we could hear every time we tried to rewatch the scene and make sense of what actually happened was the snap and crackle of oxygen burning up.

Anyway, her mixed prints are nice!

Somehow It Gets Worse
Obviously the next important step is for Liam and Ezra to meet! So they do, at the hotel. Ezra starts telling Liam all about how he’s TOTALLY not still into Aria, did not write this book about her, at all, doesn’t still have a lock of her hair in his wallet or a pair of her underwear in the back of his drawer, no sirree. Liam, to his credit, is like, “a-what-now?” and when Aria shows up she’s like “oooooh shit.” Because, if you have forgotten, Liam still thinks that Aria was just Mr. Fitz’s star pupil. Or, he USED TO THINK that.

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We do, again
Aria has to take a break from her boy drama to re-marry her parents. Her speech as they gaze adoringly at each other is very sweet, even if it is—in typical Aria fashion—all about her. “These two, they know who they are and what they want. What an important, nice thing for a couple to have.” As the music swells and her parents kiss—chastely, your daughter is standing right there—the camera pans to Liam, striding up the aisle, stealing the dramatic moment all for himself. Poor Byron and Ella couldn’t even take center stage at their own damn wedding.

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Ta-da! It's meeeeee!!! 

Liam and Aria talk after the wedding. She says she’s sorry about lying about Ezra; when he asks her why she did, we think for just a second that she’ll be like, “well, it was ILLEGAL,” but of course she’s just like, “Well, it’s complicated.” IS IT???????????? Anyway, Liam says that her writing (for Ezra, remember) makes it pretty clear she loves him, but she explains that maybe the process of writing was just her way of working through her lingering (complicated) feelings. Which actually, sort of, makes sense. It does to Liam too, being a Litbro and all, and he kisses her for the trouble.

HANNA

The Wedding Hanner
Since growing into herself and her own confidence in high school (thanks, MonA), Hanna has never been one to let the world keep her down. So what, she lost her high intensity, highly offensive, High Fashion job in NYC? She’ll just pick up freelance styling projects on her own, right here in Rosewood! The dream, obvi, would be to style the launch party of Mona’s alternative high school for the maniacally gifted and talented, but you gotta take what you can get, and right now, what Hanna’s got is the upcoming Montgomery re-hitching. Team Hella in the house!

“This silk beauty isn’t even on the racks yet,” Hanna gushes, holding up a very elegant and modern cream bridal gown. “That’s great but is it elegant ENOUGH,” Ella counters, before devolving into a story about how she and Byron were such cynical hippies in college they insisted on getting married in a barn dressed like cowhands the first time they got married, which just explains so much about Aria, honestly. Anyway, so this time she wants to do this wedding thing properly, elegantly, which means… “Can you show me what you had picked out for yourself?” Ella finishes, simultaneously showing support and enthusiasm for Hanna’s future wedding AND coopting Hanna’s plan and making it all about her. Which ALSO explains Aria so very much.

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Hanna, for her part, is in such deep turmoil over how she left things with Jordan and how Caleb has started things with Spencer and what it means that these First Loves are finding their way back to each other after all these years, though, that she doesn’t even absorb it. “I know just the dress!” she beams, and promptly denies Jordan’s newly boring ringtone for the thousandth time that afternoon.

Hella Hot Dress
Hanna’s perfect dress is, strangely, the exact opposite of what Ella asked for. Okay, it IS elegant and lovely and looks beautiful on Ella, but it’s blacky-gray-sparkly and extremely un-bridal. It’s like a dress you might wear to a fancy winter wedding, if you were not IN the wedding. But! Ella likes it, and she even gives Hanna permission to style the tables at the wedding too, so Hanna can continue to avoid her own wedding by immersing herself in someone else’s. Seems very healthy!!

By the end of the episode, though, Hanna’s finally thinking that maybe there’s something to all this wedding nonsense. So she sticks a veil on her head—the most important step!

via

Good job, you are now Married!

Oh, right, the finacé: she finally gives Jordan’s boring rich face a call, and picks a date for the wedding. Literally. She just, like, SAYS the name of a day. No checking on venue availability, or family schedules, or even WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK IT IS. Just like any old number that pops into her head. Anyway, it’s May 17. Mazel tov!

SPENCER

Should’ve Used a Duffel
Spencer’s Cause of the Week is Melissa’s Broken Suitcase, the missing periscoping handle from which is the murder-weapon-red-herring du jour. Remember when MonA gleefully riled the Liars up with that fake shovel handle murder weapon back in Season One? They don’t!

Y’all, at this point we don’t even remember WHY they are looking for the murder weapon. Did Emoji-A ask them to? Do they think it will help solve the case? Eliminate a subject? Once again we need our own serial killer wall just to keep track of this show.

When Melissa gets home, Spencer and Caleb accost her about Murder Suitcase. Melissa’s barely gotten out of her car when they bear down on her like a grand inquisition: but WHEN did you break your suitcase! HOW did it break! what was the minimum force necessary to CRACK the metal handlebars, in newtons! Etc. Melissa waves it off, saying that the cab driver from the Philly airport took an especially bumpy ride back to Rosewood to avoid traffic from the Phillies game, blah blah, the suitcase must have extracted its own handle, snapped said handle in half, thrown a bit of it away, and retracted itself back down, all just bumping around in the trunk. You know how these things happen!

Spencer thinks this all sounds suspicious (she’s Spencer, she thinks the weather report sounds suspicious), but Caleb does her one better by getting all Sherlocky about it. “Melissa got home two Saturdays ago… but that means the sun would’ve been at an angle of 17 degrees above the meridian meaning the glove could NOT have fit his left hand meaning this painting was completed AFTER that building was demolished meaning the crossword is hiding a secret code meaning… the Phillies game was in BALTIMORE that day!!!”

Basically, Melissa be lying.

Later, Hanna comes by to tell Spencer and Caleb about more of Melissa’s lies. Years ago, (“years ago!” it’s like 3 years, okay?), in London, she ran into Melissa in the bathroom of a fancy party or bar or something. Everyone is dressed really nicely and talking on their cell phones long-distance so we’re surprised the faucets aren’t just dripping out pound coins or something. Anyway, Melissa gets over the surprise of running into Hanna very quickly and launches into a whole rant about “that person who preyed on you and…” oh, she’s not talking about Wren, she’s talking about CHARLOTTE. Charlotte, who evidently has been using her phone privileges to call Wren to tell him about how Melissa killed Bethany Young, causing Wren to leave Melissa. This, evidently, is motive for Melissa to kill Charlotte, although we feel like Melissa should really be thanking her instead.

Sometimes You’re The Pigeon
Spencer’s other, more serious, Cause of the Week is her mother’s medical records. She’s upset that Veronica has been covering up her Vague Illness recurrence, and not because of her health or anything silly like that (well, Veronica does assure her that the doctors have given her the all-clear). No, she’s upset because Veronica has predicated her campaign on transparency and honesty, and yet this whole time she’s been sitting on this big ol secret. Politics! Now, Spencer can’t SAY that she knows that the opposition knows, but she DOES know that they know, and now her mom knows that Spencer knows and okay everyone just needs to start telling each other things because this is getting ridiculous. Veronica spins Spencer’s annoyance into a very sweet mother/daughter moment, saying that she’s glad she did this—ran for office? No, had kids.

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dawwww, moms!!

The sweetness is not to last, though—Spencer comes home a few days later to find her mom apoplectic. Apparently, someone on their team leaked information that Yvonne had an abortion in high school—and Mama Perkins is running on a pro-life platform. It doesn’t look good for the Perkins Camp, but it looks equally squicky for the Hastingses, who’ve prided themselves on running an aboveboard campaign—no mud-slinging. Veronica hisses that the leak has been traced to Spencer’s IP address, but Spencer swears she didn’t do it. She and Caleb have a quick tête-à-tête—was it Mona? Was it Sara? Melissa? Emoji-A?—but before Spencer has hardly girded her defenses before Caleb steps up and takes responsibility to Veronica. She insists he resign, and also get the hell out of her house. As he leaves, he tells Spencer he didn’t do it—but he could tell they needed a scapegoat, and he’s happy to take the fall. CALEB. THIS IS A LITTLE STUPID, BUT MARRY ALL OF US, PLEASE.

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Yep, just like that.

EMILY

All Ova It
Spencer is in a loosely-tied dressing gown and Emily is still somehow showing way more leg. Emily has to go to the Hollis bursar to enroll in some classes to finish her degree, which is apparently her plan now. But she just wants to go spelunking in Murder Narnia again. She got the fever! Mostly because, you know, Emoji-A has her actual ova. Spencer tells her that Sara’s just playing on her fear, and Emily is like, “YES, ACTUALLY, IT’S NOT LIKE SHE STOLE MY CHAPSTICK.” And Emoji-A, or whoever, is playing dirty: they deliver Emily a package of baby books, with instructions to “Start talking before our baby does.” Which is HELLA CREEPY in so many ways. Is Emoji-A going to conceive a child WITH EMILY? What does she need to start talking about?

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Ok but hypothetically... what WOULD they name it?

Emily heads to the bursar, where she is chatted up by a cute boy who invites her to a lecture by their new psych professor, so that he can brown nose a little before class even begins. What a tedious boy thing to do. Also, y’all, we think that the show is actually using Rosewood-Induced White Boy Face Blindness against us now, because we didn’t recognize this guy as the reporter who’s been tailing Spencer and Melissa until they actually said it was him. So, here’s a spoiler in case you are just as dumb and blind as us: this is the same reporter guy!

It takes the girls awhile to put these pieces together, too. Emily facetimes him—Damian—in front of Hanna, and she thinks he looks familiar, but doesn’t quite grok the whole deal until Em is already on her way to meet up with him. Luckily, she SOS-texts her really quickly, letting Emily know that he’s a seedy reporter, but she just gets this flirty grin on her face and invites him out for dinner. We think she may be planning something… (um, we hope).

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Ah, two can play at this game! ...whatever game it is...

See Emily Run
Later, after Hanna and Spencer somehow determine that Melissa could’ve texted Charlotte from some creepy forest motel, Emily decides she’s the best option to go and investigate said creepy forest motel. Alone. In the creepy forest. It feels very old school PLL (possibly because this is the exact same “creepy forest” set that they’ve used a billion times), but quickly turns into some sort of farce. A giant black SUV appears over the horizon, and tries to run Emily down, but she dives away just in time! Then she runs up to the motel, banging on the doors, but no one will let her in… and the SUV pulls up again, trying to run her down, but she dives away just in time! … then, this literally just KEEPS HAPPENING, for about ten minutes. It honestly looks like they just looped the footage.

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It's gone... now it's back! Now it's gone... now it's back!

Eventually she climbs up on top of the motel (sure?), where she finds the suitcase handle murder weapon! Great job Em! Oh wait, the SUV has looped back around again and rams the wall until Emily drops the handle—which disappears.

Illogical Conclusions
Later, Em debriefs with Hanna, by listing a bunch of conclusions she’s made about this attack: one, she KNOWS it wasn’t Sara, because Sara wants to expose Charlotte’s murder and this person was covering it up. Two, that means that there are TWO people, with separate motives, targeting the girls. And three, oh shit.

ALI

Alliot, Please
Ali and Elliot, Please are chilling at home when Ali receives her first Emoji-A text: “Does the good doctor know why Charlotte ran out of your ::house emoji:: that night? I do!” Eep! She confesses to Elliot, Please that Charlotte was angry with her, Ali, for dating him, her doctor—and that’s why she took off that night. Elliot, Please at first appears to try to make this all about him, but it soon becomes clear that he’s really just trying to lessen the guilt burden on Ali by taking the blame himself. It would almost be sweet (see: Caleb, this episode), if this wasn’t such a strange and kinda icky relationship to begin with.

The two of them don’t find it icky, though, and he tells her he loves her, foreverz style. She looks literally fourteen here, but guess what? They’re going to the chapel. They’re gonna get married! And they’re going to do it TONIGHT. Since Aria is now an internet-ordained minister, they pop over to her place for a quickie ceremony.

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We do, please!

EMOJI-A TAG

More evidence that Emoji-A is your grandma: they’re spending their night figuring out how to program a universal remote. With wedding cake!

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NEXT TIME

The Liars figure out what we've known all along: the only way out of the mess they're in is to burn it all down.

via/(alternately: Daria)

KISSES,

A(lexis and Catie)

<-- Pretty Little Liars 6x16: Where Somebody Waits For Me

Pretty Little Liars 6x18: Burn This -->

Happy Friday! We made it. Let's get to it:

Book Related Things

Raven King news: there will be a song, and the first review is spectacular. (Not that I have a countdown on my phone or anything, but 60 days, people. 60 days.)

Cool: Simon & Schuster creates imprint for Muslim-themed children's/MG/YA books.

President Obama has nominated the first woman and the first African-American to head the Library of Congress.

Hmm. Teen Mulder and Scully YA novels? Okay...

Cover reveal and details about Leigh Bardugo's Crooked Kingdom.

Our own Savannah worked on the Open Ebooks project, providing ebooks to low income students, and described here by Michelle Obama

This is cool: Rock Paper Books re-issues classic books with fun covers.

Which To All The Boys I've Loved Before guy do you belong with?

They've found the bones of the real Tess of the D'Urbervilles.

Shameless plug: The Fug Girls included The Royal Tea cocktail in their weekly royal roundup!

Brilliant. The Setup Wizard - Daily Accounts of a Muggle I.T. Guy working at Hogwarts!

NFL player Mike Evans had an amazing Harry Potter groom's cake at his recent wedding.

Movie Related Things

What It's Really Like to Work in Hollywood (If You're Not a Straight White Man)

Wade has been cast in the Ready Player One movie.

TV Related Things

Mallory Ortberg is at it again. Ryan Atwood: lesbian?

"The first book devoted to the feminist reverberations of My So-Called Life." Be still, our hearts!

Cruel Intentions casting news: Sebastian's son cast, and Sarah Michelle Gellar has officially joined.

Johnny has been cast in the Dirty Dancing TV remake. We here at FYA like the cut of his...well, abs and biceps.

Jackson will be in the Gilmore Girls revival, but not Sookie? Hmmm...

Luke Perry is going to be in the Archie TV show. I feel like I'm saying "hmmm" a lot today.

Miscellaneous Things

CAKE MAZE.

That's it for this week! Did we miss anything?

BOOK REPORT for The Conspiracy of Us (The Conspiracy of Us #1) by Maggie Hall

Cover Story: Go West, Young Fancy Dress
BFF Charm: Single White Female
Swoonworthy Scale: 7.5
Talky Talk: Page Turner
Bonus Factors: Da Vinci Code, Globetrotting, Being Rich
Relationship Status: Whirlwind Romance

Cover Story: Go West, Young Fancy Dress

You could argue that this is an appropriate use of Fancy Dress, given that the main character wears a ballgown at some point. (Although it's gray, not blue.) Buuuuuuut you could also argue that there are at least a hundred things in this book that would've made for a better cover--The Louvre! The Eiffel Tower! The winding streets of Istanbul! I get that the compass is a symbol in the story, but really, it's just rubbing salt in the wound by reminding me of all of the other directions this artwork could have gone.

The Deal:

Thanks to a father who ditched her and a mother whose job constantly moves them from place to place, Avery West has become the world's best builder of emotional walls. She never gets attached; she never gets her hopes up; she never cares too much. But when Jack, the hot new guy in school, asks her to prom a few days before her next move, she decides that lowering her guard for one night can't hurt.

Of course, she's completely wrong. Her walls--and her entire life--are blown to bits when Jack informs her that she's a member of one of the twelve families in the Circle, a secret community that controls the world. After being whisked away to Paris with the promise of finding her father, a member of one of the families, Avery quickly becomes entangled in the deadly politics surrounding an ancient prophecy and, together with Jack, dives into a dangerous race against time to unlock it.

BFF Charm: Single White Female

I think Avery's a good gal--she's smart and spunky, but like any real teenager, she has the occasional confidence crash. Maybe it's because her personality is a little bland, or maybe it's because I was boiling over with envy for her fabulous new life, but I found it waaaay too easy to project myself into her shoes. Sure, there's the pesky threat of imminent death, but that's a minor detail when you're jet-setting around the world with not one but two insanely attractive men. (More on them below.) And did I mention the fact that the Circle, and therefore Avery, is filthy rich? When she needs a ballgown, the entire Prada store in Paris closes just for her. Um, Avery, if you ever need help living your life, I'M HERE FOR YOU GIRL.

Swoonworthy Scale: 7.5

So, Jack is what's known as a Keeper, which is just an artsy name for the families' bodyguards. He's noble, handsome and British, so even a tree would have chemistry with him, and since Avery is a living, breathing, very pretty girl, there are immediate sparks. Stoking that fire is the fact that Keepers are forbidden from romantic relations with family members. CUE THE DELICIOUS TENSION.

I am definitely a fan of Jack, but I was also crushing hard on another Keeper, Stellan, who is ruthless, sexy and Russian. It's not clear from this book whether or not there's a love triangle in the works, but there's clearly an attraction, and Stellan has a pet Russian name for Avery SO girlfriend might have a serious problem on her hands. And by serious problem I mean hot dudes. On her hands. LUCKY DUCK.

Talky Talk: Page Turner

This book hits the ground running and doesn't waste time with flowery descriptions or reflective interludes. While Maggie Hall takes care to develop her characters and carve out some emotional depth, the main focus is on the action and the intrigue, and that's totally fine by me.

Bonus Factor: Da Vinci Code

It's easy to suspend disbelief once you've downed Hall's magic potion of history and conspiracy theories. Like one of Stefon's clubs, this book has everything: Napoleon, clues hidden in artwork, the Illuminati (a.k.a. the Circle), Alexander the Great, a hidden tomb, an enigmatic prophecy and more. And the best part? So far, it all makes sense!

Bonus Factor: Globetrotting

It only takes 40 pages for Avery to get from Minnesota to Paris, where the rest of the book takes place (with the exception of a quick jaunt to Istanbul). Seeing as how international locales are on my YA milk carton, I relished this escape to foreign places.

Bonus Factor: Being Rich

Fringe benefit to ruling the world: you get ALL THE MONEY. Like, one of the Circle families lives in the Louvre. They party with world leaders and famous actors. They buy luxury brands like they're shopping at Target. They take private jets to Turkey just to hit up a club for one night. In other news, I am OPEN FOR ADOPTION.

Casting Call:

Poppy Drayton as Avery

Douglas Booth as Jack

Austin Butler as Stellan

Relationship Status: Whirlwind Romance

From the captivating premise to the relentless pacing, I got some major thrills from this book, and I'm very thankful that I don't have too wait too long to get more action (if you know what I mean) from the sequel, which will be released on on March 8th. COME TO MAMA.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a free copy of this book from G.P. Putnam's Sons, but got neither cocktails nor money in exchange for this review (dammit). The Conspiracy of Us is available now.

As the FYA Does Vegas group exchanges a flurry of emails, preparing for the upcoming 2016 trip (you're totally welcome to join us!), it got me thinking: what's the best trip you've ever taken? Has it been a far-off locale full of delicious food and spectacular sights, or a road trip with your best friends? Did you relax or did you schedule every second of the day? 

And most importantly: did you run into these guys?

As always, feel free to talk about anything you want, and introduce yourself if you're new to the open threads! We love chatting with you all.

Previously on The Originals: Mikaelson Prophecy of DOOOM. (Yep, I’m sick of it, too.) Stefan Salvatore came to New Orleans (via a crossover with The Vampire Diaries), and pissed Klaus off by leading Huntress, Rayna Cruz, there. Davina believes that Aya will help her bring back Kol. Aurora was tedious and insufferable, and teamed up with Aya,

The Original Dysfunctional Family Drama

Apropos of nothing, Elijah confesses to Freya that he daggered Rebekah. She’s less than thrilled, but she’s quickly distracted by the arrival of Good Hair Salvatore, who, despite the fact that they’ve never met, needs a favor. He needs her help shaking his Huntress tail. But first, Freya has to play exposition fairy for anyone who arrived for the crossover event, but hasn’t been watching The Originals.

Hayley goes searching for Aurora, and finds Lucien (who I forgot even existed). Aya confronts the Mikaelson boys before they can get to her. How do these two ancient people not recognize a trap when they see one? Aya has her witches drag them into a conversation with Tristan and Aurora on some witchy plain. Hayley and Lucien try to talk Marcel into helping them stop the spell, since Lucien doubts it will work, and knows that Aya will try it out by killing Klaus first - which would neatly take out Lucien, Marcel, and Stefan. Hayley and Stefan smuggle their way into the Strix building in the (very sexy) trunk of a car. As Marcel and Freya try to break the Mikaelson boys out of their witchy prison, and the Strix compound, Rayna Cruz inconveniently shows up. Marcel is unable to get Davina to stop the spell, and she succeeds in breaking Klaus’ sire line. Elijah’s line remains intact, so Aya is unable to do much to him. Elijah tries to kill her, but is too soft-hearted to do so. My queen, Hayley, does not share this problem.

Davina feels betrayed that Marcel wasn’t on her side, even though she was trying to free him. That rift may take some time to repair. But Davina clearly siphoned off a ton of Klaus’ energy during the spell, and she uses it to resurrect Kol 1.0.Stefan and Klaus have a heart-to-heart about their mutual beloved, Caroline. Stefan promises to do right by her. He suggests that Klaus also do right by Hayley, since she seems to care about him, for some reason.

Holy Fang

Tristan and Aurora are down for the count! PLEEEASE let this be true.

Aya is also dust! Sorry, girl. You had it coming.

Kol is BACK. I'm shaking my head at your choices, Davina.

Winners and Losers

Winner: Davina. She unlinked the vampires, weakening the original family, exactly as she meant to do. And she got her boo back. But is she going to have anyone else left on her side?

Loser: Klaus. He took the unlinking of the sire line pretty hard. It didn’t seem to be just about the lack of built-in protection, either. He took it as some kind of emotional loss. Teary JoMo is the saddest.

Original Snark

“You know, Aya, when this is over, we should be better friends.” Aurora, GIRL. Aya would totally kill you as soon as you're no longer useful.

“You’re an old friend, are you?” Freya rightly surmises that this is impossible, as Klaus doesn’t have any of those.

“Would you mind it terribly if you spared me the deadbeat dad lecture?” Elijah is right. Don't be such a whiner, Tristan.

“Is this really the best help we can get?” No, Freya. But Caroline Forbes was busy.

“You deserve to be free of Klaus. We all do.” Davina isn’t wrong.

“You’re a dark one, Freya Mikaelson. Vervain ropes, penetrating spells… Throw in a pinot and a cheap motel and you’ve got the beginnings of a romance.” Could you just try not to be a creep, Lucien?

Haunting Questions

- I get why (real life couple) Stefan and Hayley have chemistry. But I could totally ship Stefan and Freya, too. However, it looks like dark horse Lucien might have a chance with our girl. How do we feel about that?

- I can barely even remember the reasons for the du Martell’s evil plots. Can you? It’s hard to believe that even a crazy lady would carry a torch for Klaus this long.

- If the du Martell and Strix threat is gone, whoever will the Mikaelsons feud with next?

Next: “An Old Friend Calls”

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Caroline gave birth to Alaric and Jo's twin girls and we all sobbed when he named one of them for her mother, Stefan fell on a sword (literally) for Damon and is now marked by the Huntress, Beau was murdered by said Huntress, Mary Louise and Nora are now on the run, and Enzo informs Damon that he didn't actually kill Elena.

What Went Down

Stefan is on the run from Rayna and she is HOT on his trail. A brother can't even take a pit stop to get a new phone charger without a vengeful supernatural hunter throwing her sword at him. (You would think that Rayna and Stefan could find mutual ground in their shared loathing of Julian, especially since Stefan managed to murder this man who made Rayna kill her own father, but perhaps the writers are saving that tidbit for another episode.) Stefan hightails it to New Orleans, home of The Mikaelson Clan and a cloaked bar that will render him invisible to Rayna. 

Who doesn't love a scene that includes Klaus drinking bourbon? I'm not sure I want to know anyone that doesn't. Klaus is instantly suspicous of Stefan's arrival, but hides it with good manners and a generous open bar. Stefan is selective on how much catching up he does, but he should know that you can't fool Klaus Mikaelson. He's furious when he realizes that Stefan has led Rayna Cruz back to New Orleans (her original stomping ground) and kicks Stefan out of his bar. Stefan knows he's doomed, and is so distraught that he leaves his phone behind. Klaus answers a call from Caroline and if you listened closely you could hear a collective SQUEE from all four corners of the globe. COMPLEX FEELINGS, Y'ALL.

Caroline has agreed to go with Alaric to Dallas and help him get set up with his two little ones; she needs a distraction from worrying about Stefan, and I think we all know that she's not going to be able to say goodbye to those two little muffins. Her surprise conversation with Klaus results in shared parenting experiences, ultimately leading her to feel normal for the attachment she feels towards little Josie and little Elizabeth. Klaus promises Caroline that he will keep Stefan safe and my love for him KNOWS NO BOUNDS.

Meanwhile Damon and Bonnie go to an estate known as The Armory, a house full of supernatural objects collected over the centuries.Turns out that they're the organization that helped Matt tumble Enzo into his Murder Van all those episodes ago, and since then Enzo has been working for them in exchange for (eventual) info about his family that abandoned him. To a workhouse. Oh Enzo. You sweet, sad man. Tyler has been at The Armory, recuperating from Damon beating his head against the pavement. It says a lot about my indifference toward Tyler Lockwood that I barely remember this happening. Damon and Bonnie backtrack from agreeing to help Enzo/The Armory use Stefan as bait to track Rayna (they REALLY want The Phoenix Sword), so Enzo tosses Damon into Tyler's recovery room and knocks out Bonnie. This doesn't bode well for my Benzo 'ship, guys. Enzo is more than happy to leave Damon with Tyler since it's a full moon that evening but that's not going to stop Bonnie from CUTTING OFF ENZO'S HAND in order to get Damon out - except Tyler also gets out and he almost kills Bonnie. (I'm confused. I thought Tyler had control over his transitions since he's a hybrid?) Since her magic is rendered useless at The Armory Damon isn't able to heal her with his blood and he has to take her to a hospital. He decides that all he does is put the people he loves at risk and tells a comatose Bonnie that he's going to leave. 

Mary Louise and Nora are on the run but are captured by The Armory when they make a pit-stop for Fritos and Vitamin Water. Oops.

Rayna somehow manages to lure Stefan off the road and into a trap that she's laid that causes him to crash. She's waiting for him, crossbow in hand, but this is Klaus-Country, and he whisks in, killing Rayna (for now) and saving Stefan. They leave the werewolf-infested bayou and head back to New Orleans; Klaus thinks he knows a witch that can stop Rayna. Yay for crossover episodes!

Holy CRAP

-Bonnie cut off Enzo's HAND. And he managed to re-attach it to his arm? Is that how vampire healing works, because DAMN.

-That phone convo between Klaus and Caroline...!

-Klaus telling Stefan that he needs to let Caroline go..! (I mean, he's speaking from experience here.)

-Enzo is an ancestor of the St. John family - the same family who own The Armory!

Vamp of the Week: Klaus Mikaelson

Sure, Klaus was going to let Stefan be murdered by Rayna but it only took one phonecall from Caroline to turn this 4,000 yr-old monster into TOTAL PUTTY. He dishes out some solid advice to Stefan, and it's not even self-serving (for once). Klaus knows what it's like to be the brother that's in constant need of bailing out, and he's seen what this has cost Elijah over the millennia so if Stefan wants "normal" he will have to choose between Damon and everyone else. (I mean, he's not entirely wrong, is he?)

Hero Hair/Nefarious Grin

Hero Hair: GIRRRRRL you better flip-toss that hair of yours because who else would cut off the hand off a man she definitely has (unconscious) hot pants for in order to save her bestie than BONNIE EFFING BENNETT.

Nefarious Grin: Is Tyler a villain? This week, not really. But he is damn smug and annoying, and he almost killed Bonnie. I need all of the head-shaking gifs to properly express my disdain for this man.

Sound Bites

Stefan: "So, how are Elijah and, uh, whoever else you brought back from the dead?" Klaus: "Oh, you know the Mikaelsons. Never a dull moment." Wait until Stefan meets Freya.

Klaus: "So she carried two lives in her womb. She gave birth to them. And now she plans to turn those cooing little faces over to Alaric without so much as a hiccup of hesitation. You’re right. That sounds like the Caroline I remember." Klaus Mikaelson: Forever Keepin' it 100.

Damon: "Once whatever crap Enzo gave you is out of your system and magic works on you again I’m going to give you my blood and heal you. Okay? But in the meantime, there’s something Iw ant you to know. You are a terrible friend, you know that? Do you have any idea what I’d have to go through if you’d died today? Years of guilt. Crippling, self-loathing guilt. Not to mention the resentment I’d feel if I was forced to break in a new drinking buddy. You’re not supposed to die for me, Bon. Neither is my brother. But no matter what I say or how hard I drill it into your skulls, you’re not gonna stop trying, which is why I have to take myself out of the equation. It all ends tomorrow. You’ll never have to worry about me again." I thought Stefan was the Salvatore Brother who relished in being a martyr.

Burning Questions

What are The Armory going to do with Mary Louise and Nora?

How is Benzo EVER going to happen now?

How epically is Enzo's newly found family going to let him down?

How much longer do we give Caroline and Stefan? (Sigh.)

Does ANYone care about Tyler Lockwood?

The flash forward: why have the Mikaelson's left New Orleans??

What did y'all think of this week's episode? I'm digging this new mythology with The Armory, and it gives Enzo some heft to his backstory which is long overdue. Let's convo in the comments about how much Tyler Lockwood is The Worst! And how much Klaus is The Best!

Some of our favorite shows are going on hiatus after this week, but that means they're going out with a bang. We get some fantastic new characters making their TV debut (VIXEN!), jaw-dropping bad guys, and even a musical number. Let's get to it!

Small Screen Supes

Speedy Synopses

Supergirl 1x14: Truth, Justice, and the American Way

After a rocky couple of weeks at work, Kara is shocked to find that Cat has hired a second assistant (a little out of spite). The new girl, Siobhan Smythe, is ambitious and ruthless, not only eyeing Kara's job, but eventually Cat's. 

Meanwhile, Kara says goodbye to her Aunt Astra in a ceremony with her fellow Kryptonians. Non informs her that once their two weeks of grieving is over, he's coming for her. Dun dun DUN.

The DEO, while investigating Non and whatever his "Myriad" plan might be, also has their hands full with a vigilante hunting down the escaped prisoners of Fort Rozz. Master Jailer won't let anyone, not even Supergirl, stand in his way of capturing and punishing the criminals.

Cat has noticed that Maxwell Lord is missing, and puts James and Lucy on the case. When Lucy uses her contacts in the government to uncover evidence of the DEO at Lord's labs, James lets slip that he knows of their existence. Lucy is fed up with James keeping secrets, especially ones related to Supergirl, and storms out. James realizes that he can't keep lying to her if he wants a shot at a relationship with her.

The DEO figure out Master Jailer's next target, and when Supergirl attempts to save him, she ends up captured herself. She wakes up in his lair (he's a bad guy, it's a lair) powerless, but in no time Alex and the DEO arrive and free her. Master Jailer is defeated and Kara learns that justice isn't as black and white as she thought it was. She convinces the DEO to set Maxwell Lord free.

Lucifer 1x5: Sweet Kicks

This week opens with a bang (sorry, couldn’t help it) as Lucifer and Mazikeen are front and center for a shooting at a posh fashion show. The fashion fiasco turns into a case for the police when fashion designer Benny walks out for a bow and ends up dodging gunshots - and in the resulting panic, an innocent woman is trampled to death.

Lucifer manages to get himself assigned to the case by sweet-talking Chloe’s boss, using his demonic wiles to convince her that she needs his particular brand of help. Conveniently, Ms. Lieutenant desires something; for political reasons, she wants to whole-hearted approval of the Latino communities in her jurisdiction. And as it happens, Lucifer is great at striking deals. Agreeing to deliver her the results she wants, Lucifer manages to get himself assigned to the case - much to Chloe’s annoyance.

On the case together once again, Lucifer and Chloe are met by Benny - the beleaguered designer himself - who implies that a few grouchy gang members might be responsible for the shooting at the fashion show. Meanwhile, our other favorite earth-bound demons Amenadiel and Mazikeen enjoy a coffee klatch, where we learn that good old Maze is actually very interested in leaving Earth - as soon as possible. They realize that everyone’s favorite Lord of Hell hasn’t been sharing very much recently - well, not with them; but he has been sharing (a lot) with his sexy therapist. Disguised as a fellow practitioner, Amenadiel seduces her into agreeing to share more information about “their patients.” Combined with Mazikeen’s reluctant pledge to help, it’s starting to look like Amenadiel might have a shot at dragging Lucifer back to Hell.

Hot on the trail of the grumpy gangsters, Chloe and Lucifer track a few down. They discover that poor designer Benny isn’t as innocent as he seems - he’s free and able to design today because another gangster, Yellow Viper, ended up in prison. Positive that this colorful gangster has to be the shooter, the Dynamic Duo Luce & Chloe track him down - only to discover that he’s actually a pretty nice guy. Things get heated when even more gangster show up, and in the ensuing chaos, Mazikeen swoops in to kick some butt and help Chloe and Lucifer out of a sticky situation.

After a false start of thinking that Yellow Viper is the fashion show shooter, Lucifer and Chloe quickly realize their mistake - the gentle gangster-turned-art teacher was framed by Designer Benny! Using his horrific demonic visage, Lucifer manages to reel him in, just in time for Chloe to arrest him. Back at the station, their happy boss is promoted to chief of police, and Lucifer snags a role for himself as “official civilian consultant.” Hey, now he has a reason to be hanging around the police department! Lucifer is thrilled, but still can’t manage to close the deal with Chloe. And in the midst of his euphoria, Mazikeen has to remind him: she’ll be around to protect him... even if he turns mortal. Ominous, much? (Savannah)

The Flash 2x15: King Shark

This week brings Diggle and Lyla to Central City as A.R.G.U.S. looks for an escaped metahuman prisoner, King Shark. We saw him for just a few moments earlier in the season, but now he's back to find the Flash and fill out his mission for Zoom.

Barry, Caitlin, and the others are struggling to find their new normal now that all of the breaches to Earth-2 are closed. Cisco is keeping a wary eye on Caitlin, unable to get the image of Killer Frost out of his head. Caitlin has been acting icy and standoffish since seeing Jay Garrick impaled before her eyes, and when Cisco confronts her, she says if she lets herself give into her feelings, she might never stop crying.

Barry is also consumed by his emotions, wracked with guilt and grief over what happened to Joe and Iris on Earth-2. He attempts to bond with Wally, but he's dealing with so much already that it doesn't go well. Barry decides to concentrate on finding and stopping King Shark, but the metahuman makes it easy for him by showing up to Joe's house and ripping. the. roof. off. Dude is big and angry.

STAR Labs and A.R.G.U.S. team up to track and set out bait for King Shark, who shows up, still on the hunt for Flash. Barry stops King Shark with his lightning and A.R.G.U.S. takes him back into custody.

Barry calls Team Flash for a meeting, having made up his mind that he's not willing to leave Earth-2 in Zoom's clutches. They will find a way to open a breach and defeat him once and for all.

Back on Earth-2, Zoom drops Jay's body on the floor, and pulls off his mask for the first time to reveal... Jay Garrick. TWIST!

Agent Carter 2x08: The Edge of Mystery

Jarvis is beside himself with worry; Ana has survived her operation after being shot by Frost, but she still hasn't woken up. Never have I seen a man so put together come so completely undone (well done, Mr. D'Arcy) and it was DEVASTATING. When Ana finally does wake up, Jarvis decides that his need for vengeance precedes staying by his wife's side, and the doctor's news that Ana will never be able to conceive only stokes those flames.

Team Peggy is off to rescue Wilkes, but they're too late; Frost manages to open up the Zero Matter Gap in the desert, only to find herself having a BIT of a temper tantrum when Wilkes is the only one "chosen" to go through. Howard Stark "faxed" designs for a Gamma Cannon to stop zero matter, and Samberley (who's really the Jerry Girgich of the SSR, only less likable) manages to whip up a prototype with just one shot/chance to stop zero matter. And it does, spitting out Dr. Wilkes who's writhing in pain and looking a bit...off. Peggy manages to rescue him by making a swap with fake uranium rods, but he pulls a gun on her (GASP!) because he wants to go back, believing that only Frost can help him. Oh yes - and Jarvis shot Frost at point blank range... and NOTHING HAPPENED. She absorbed that bullet like it was just another day. Sousa, Thompson and Samberley are still back at the Gamma Cannon and don't see Frost pile Jarvis and Peggy into her van.

Meanwhile Thompson has been sent on a fool's errand to the UK where he buddies up with an old uni pal. He convinces him to get a file on Peggy's supposed work during the war, and it's mostly blacked out. We know it's pile of trash, PEGGY tells him it's a pile of trash when he confronts her, and when Thompson realizes he's nothing but Vernon's pawn things start to get very interesting.

Also, the chemistry between Sousa and Peggy is so intense that I may have needed a handkerchief to mop my brow. This build-up is TOO MUCH! (Amanda R.)

Agent Carter 2x09: A Little Song and Dance

Musical number! I'm sure this opening dream sequence was hit or miss with most of us; I confess that as much as I liked seeing our cast sing and dance it was a bit jarring, perhaps due to the fact that I couldn't tell if they were actually singing or if they were voiced over by other actors. At any rate - Jarvis in tails! Ana, Whitney and Dottie as showgirls! And Angie! I hope we see more of you again, girl!

Peggy manages to untie herself and Jarvis from the back of Frost's van and they tumble out into the California desert. Things get HEATED and Jarvis unloads all of his anger on Peggy, and Peggy gives it right back to him because he's not the only one who's suffered loss; he needs to realize that this isn't a Penny Dreadful novel, this work that she does is risky, and people get hurt and die. Peggy and Jarvis's (pardon me - Miss Carter and Mr. Jarvis's) friendship is the real MVP in this episode. They come out of it at the other end, still friends and still having each other's back, ALWAYS.

Peggy pretends to be passed out when Manfredi's goons double back to get her and Jarvis, and as always, men underestimating her ends up being in her favor.

Thompson double and triple crosses everyone this week, and in the end it turns out he's only looking out for himself. Vernon wants everyone to trust him and no one does, and at this point the episode got a bit messy and I think I may have zoned out. I definitely woke up when Peggy stormed into the SSR and PUNCHED VERNON IN THE FACE. It was magnificent.

Whitney Frost solidifies her place in The Supervillains Hall of Fame as she takes a giant syringe and plunges it into Jason's chest. YOW. She really wants ALL of the zero matter. Jack makes a deal with her, offering her the Gamma Cannon AND Vernon, in exchange for a seat on the council. Thompson is SO AWFUL, you guys. He lies to Peggy and she's instantly suspicious. Samberley slips and tells them that Jack had them turn the Gamma Cannon into a BOMB but he thought Peg and Sousa knew that already. WAY TO GO, SAMBERLEY.

Ana finally pulls the truth out of Jarvis; about what's happening with Peggy, and eventually, what has happened to Ana as a result of her being shot. Ana tells Jarvis that he must help Peggy, because who else will if he does not?

Peggy drags Jason from where's he's being kept by Frost, even though he pleads with her not to because his entire self is now basically a bomb. Peggy doesn't want Jack to detonate the bomb so he pulls a gun on Samberley, forcing him to, except then Peggy pulls HER gun on Jack. The credits roll just as Whitney fails to kill Vernon and Jason walks in, ready to literally explode. (Amanda R.)

Arrow 4x15: Taken

Darhk tells Oliver to drop out of the mayoral race and endorse Ruve if he ever wants to see William again. Felicity is shocked Ollie has a son and even more shocked at the long list of people who knew before her.

Ollie brings in Vixen for the rescue, hoping she can fight magic with magic! Short version? She can’t. But after getting her butt kicked, she does have a bright idea. Since her necklace gives her power, perhaps Darhk has a similar item? Captain Lance confirms that Darhk’s always surreptitiously playing with some sculpture. Team Arrow attacks his compound and Vixen steals the totem, breaking it just before Darhk magically chokes the life out of all present. His powers fail and Ollie cold-cocks him, rescuing William.

Earlier in the episode, Malcolm tried to gaslight Thea, accusing her of being heartless when she said she was pretty sure he’d helped Darhk take William. After the boy fingers Malcolm as his captor, Thea tells him, for once and all, to go screw himself. Malcolm responds by calling her a selfish brat and taking credit for all her accomplishments. Woo. This show has daddy issues.

Speaking of, after listening to some pretty terrible advice from Vixen (who asserted it was better to grow up in foster care than face the truth about her magical heritage), Ollie decides not only not to tell William the truth about his parentage, but to actually send him away entirely. With the crisis over, Felicity tells Oliver she can’t handle his lies anymore, and Curtis’s spine-device thing kicks in just in time to allow her to stand up out of her wheelchair and walk out on him. (Amanda K.)

Legends of Tomorrow 1x06: Star City 2046

Team Legends ends up in Star City in the year 2046 after being tossed about in the time-stream by Kronos the Mercenary Plot Device. Star City looks like your local community theatre decided to adapt Mad Max. Garbage fires! Destitution! And a man in a green hood! Except this green-hooded vigilante isn't Oliver Queen, it's John Diggle, Jr. who goes by the name Connor Hawke. He refuses to use his father's name, blaming himself for John Sr's death. (Sounds like he's taken more than just fashion advice from Oliver Queen because that is some seriously misplaced guilt.)

While Sara is off looking for a part from Smoak Industries that can get the Wave Rider up and running, Cold and Mick run into some local goons. They don't have the tech that Cold and Mick do, and so their leader writes a check his butt can't cash and Mick takes his (hideous) Fur Coat of Leadership. Mick wants to stay, Cold wants to leave, they fight, Cold knocks out Mick and drags him back to the ship and, honestly, couldn't you just have left Mick there? He's a grown-ass man, let him do what he wants!

Dr. Stein meddles in Jax's personal life by "helping" Ray realize that dating Kendra wouldn't be in the interest of the team - only Ray never saw Kendra like that until Stein mentioned it. Thank GOD Kendra shut it down; she's not trying to be anyone's girlfriend right now. (And we all know that no one can hold a candle to Cisco.)

Smoak Industry's tech is being stored in the old Team Arrow Lair, which is now as run down and decrepit as, OH WAIT, Oliver Queen! He's not dead, which is what everyone in Star City believes, but he IS missing an arm, sporting a beard, and feeling VERY sorry for himself. Sara starts to feel responsible for the state of Star City, and when Connor gets himself kidnapped by Grant Wilson, son of SLADE Wilson (the new Big Cheese) she tells an adamant Rip to stuff it and launches her own rescue mission. Rip finally realizes that his "rules" about what can and can't be altered, and what timelines are finite or flexible are sort of ridiculous. He sends in the rest of the Legends to take down Wilson and rescue Connor. Teamwork! (Amanda R.)

Hero of the Week: Vixen, Arrow

Mari McCabe, AKA Vixen, doesn't disappoint in her live-action debut. Well, she does dispense some sketchy advice to Oliver, but other than that she is a character I'd love to see on my TV every week. She's fearless and kicks butt, even without the magical help of her necklace.

Honorable mentions: Barry Allen, The Flash, Peggy Carter, Agent Carter, Sara Lance, Legends of Tomorrow

Villain of the Week: King Shark, The Flash

He's a shaaaaaaaarrrrrrk! Not only is this guy big and bad, King Shark's appearance on The Flash this week felt like a huge step forward in the effects department. He gnawed on some dudes, ripped the roof off Joe's house, and even had a short conversation or two. What a time to be a comic book fan, guys!

Honorable mentions: Whitney Frost, Agent Carter, Damien Darhk, Arrow, Siobhan Smythe, Supergirl

Comic Relief

They're dressed as FLAMINGOS, GUYS

Biff! Bam! Pow!

set via http://dailydcheroes.tumblr.com/

Pull List

Top Titles

Chaos Arena: Crystal Fighters #1 by Tyler and Jen Bartel

A free new comics app, Stēla, released this week, and along with it came several new intriguing titles. The first one to catch my eye was Chaos Arena: Crystal Fighters, a unique take on the magical girl genre. In a nutshell, it's a magical girl fight club. Stella's parents give her a new VR game to play with, and at first she's dismayed with its sugary sweet look and characters. But she stumbles into an underground arena where there are no tiaras barred, and she's (literally) dragged into their world. Stēla offers the first chapter for free and the rest (along with all other titles) can be read with a monthly subscription. An ongoing comic filled with Jen Bartel's glowing art every month? Tempting! (Kelly)

X-Men: Worst X-Man Ever #1 by Max Bemis, with art by Michael Walsh

Bailey is a high school kid who spends his lunch times scrolling through Facebook with his gay BFF, Steve, trying to find a prom date. He's not goth enough for hardcore Jennifer, not cool enough for it-girl Amanda, and not "cool" enough for hipster Kate. In fact, Bailey can't think of a single personality trait that might make him attractive to the opposite sex and tries a slew of new hobbies  to find a way to connect before settling back - defeated - into video games. Enter his parents, who have some news to share: they're mutants and he might be carrying the X-Gene. Um, awesome *high five*. Problem solved. Sort of. Bailey makes his way to Xaiver's School for Mutants, where Beast tests him. Bailey's wish has come true...He's a human firework! Like, he can totally explode. Once. And die. Worst X-Men brings us an out of continuity humorous story, complete with a ton of fan favorite X-Men. Can't wait to see what kind of trouble they get into in future issues. Bonus: if you're wondering why the name Max Bemis sounds familiar, he's the lead singer of punk alternative band, Say Anything, and Marvel is already courting him for future projects! (Christy)

Jacked #4 by Eric Kripke, with art by John Higgins

We've seen Josh transform from middle-aged, balding regular-ol-Joe to butt-kicking (but still balding) superhuman thanks to Jacked, a pill that promises to enhance the human experience. In this week's issue, we see how this metamorphosis has impacted his wife and children, who genuinely miss their husband and father as he's gone on a mission to save his attractive, young neighbor from her abusive boyfriend. "Turns out kicking a** isn't like the movies," Josh ponders after reflecting on the murders he's committed (duh). Along the way, Josh runs out of Jacked and goes on an adventure to find the creator, who is in prison for violating FDA rules. Turns out 1. Josh is the only person who's ever had the intended effects and 2. The limited supply of Jacked has dried up so Josh has to bail inmate #454 out to cook up some more. Very ethical guy, you see; I'm sure he has great intentions. You're making great decisions, Josh. Thinking just like a superhero. What could go wrong? *snicker* (Christy)

Pick of the Week

We Are Robin #9 by Lee Bermejo with art by Jorge Corona

Every day, some things end...and others begin. The Robins are all over the place, splintered after the Robin War, and this issue is a glimpse into how everyone is fairing after disbanding. Duke, Izzy, Riko (shout out to those of you who remember her from Gotham Academy; hopefully we see her back some day!), Dax, and Dre feel like failures while trying to return to teenage "normalcy". Of course, just because the Robins aren’t actively being pursued by the GCPD doesn’t mean they get a break. Instead, Affluenza-affected, makeup-wearing Joker-fanboy villain, Smiley, is wreaking havoc on Gotham. We got a glimpse into Smiley's modus operandi - a complete lack of regard for everyone - when he murdered his parents in the last issue. Will the Robins be able to turn that frown upside down and put a stop to Smiley and his band of clowns (literal clowns) or will Gotham be once again warned to stay indoors after dark? (Christy)

As Seen in the Daily Planet

News

Zack Snyder posted a behind-the-scenes photo of Justice League with a few hints hidden in the background.

Finn Jones (Loras Tyrell in Game of Thrones) has been cast as Netflix's Iron Fist.

Y'all, The CW's Archie is FOINE and Josie (of The Pussycats) will be played by a black actress in Riverdale.

Upcoming DC Comics show Powerless has added Vanessa Hudgens, Danny Pudi, and Alan Tudyk to the cast.

Commander Riker is playing Star-Lord's dad in the Guardians of the Galaxy animated series.

Stephen Amell wants to do a Supergirl crossover (oh I bet you do with the way your show is seriously slipping this season).

Everything you need to know about Harley Quinn before Suicide Squad in one handy place.

Host your own Doctor Who comic book event. Allons-y!

Catch a glimpse of Trajectory in a new extended The Flash teaser.

A Supernatural actress moves to Star City to star on Arrow.

Grab your crayons (I know you have some) and unleash your creativity on these Marvel Women of Power coloring books.

A $100 ultimate Batman v Superman ticket allows you to see the movie as many times as you want. 

All the Punisher comics you need to read before you see him on Daredevil.

There's some serious desparity in the number of women writing comics released this week.

What is Marvel's Most Wanted?

Get to know Vixen as part of Black History Month. Bonus: black comic book artists you should know.

Trailers

Our best look yet at the new season of Daredevil:

What did you think of Vixen? Could this be Agent Carter's last season? (Nooooo!) Let's chat in the comments below!

In case you missed the announcement, over the next few months, we’ll be running a Between Two Lockers special series featuring your fave FYA writers and contributors.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

What’s your name?

Meredith

Where are you from/located?

Houston

What do you do when you’re not writing for FYA?

I'm the managing editor of FYA's brother site Birth.Movies.Death. and its magazine, as well as the Alamo Drafthouse's film festival Fantastic Fest.

What do you look like?

Where can you be found on social media?

Twitter, Instagram

THE ACTUAL YA-RELATED QUESTIONS

How long have you been writing for FYA, and how did you start writing for the site?

My first post was in October of 2010. I wanted to gush over my strange and inappropriate childhood hero, Christopher Pike. I've also written about R.L. Stine on the site—I used to only read scary YA as a kid (well, that and Anne Shirley or Judy Blume books), but I've evolved as an adult.

How did you come to read YA as an adult?

Like, I suspect, many people, Harry Potter was my gateway, but FYA had a big hand in that, as well. Years ago, Posh loaned me two books: The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks and King Dork. After that, I was hooked.

Why do you think YA is an important genre, for both actual Ys and those of us who are more A?

It's certainly a more woman-friendly genre than much fiction, with a stronger voice for female characters and authors than many other genres offer. And great, or even mediocre, YA is responsible for shaping many a young bookworm, who will then grow into big bookworms and shape other little bookworms.

What are five of your favorite YA books?

The Harry Potter series, the His Dark Materials series, the Anne of Green Gables series, the Chaos Walking series (I am such a cheater) and Jellicoe Road.

Do you have a favorite YA character or couple? If so, who are they, and why are they The Best?

My favorite YA character is Hermione Granger, because she is bossy, brilliant and uncompromising in her principles. Also: frizzy-haired girls unite.

THE YA QUESTIONS

If your real life adolescence was a YA book ... What would you, the main character, be like?

I was a weird and grumpy kid who thought she was too cool for everything even though I was remarkably uncool. I was obsessed with Phantom of the Opera and Gone With the Wind and The Cure, and I had a pretty debilitating yen for Joseph Fiennes as Shakespeare.

Who is your secret crush?

Pacey Witter. Also Joseph Fiennes as Shakespeare.

What is your number #1 source of angst?

Typical small town/big dreams business.

At what point would the reader pump his/her fist in victory?

When I finally broke up with the boy who'd broken up with me SEVEN TIMES previously. I had a scathing speech and everything, and a much cuter boy lined up. It was very YA.

And who would play you in the film adaptation?

Mae Whitman, Perks of Being a Wallflower edition.

THE SLUMBER PARTY QUESTIONS

What is your #1 favorite food?

BURGERS.

Tell me about your area of expertise.

Vic Lit and late '90s to early 2000s WB teen dramas

If you could assemble your own Ocean's 11 of fictional characters, who would you pick?

1) Hermione Granger
2) Leslie Knope
3) Anne Shirley
4) Roland Deschain
5) Samwise Gamgee
6) Elinor Dashwood
7) Chloe Sullivan
8) Flavia de Luce
9) Jonathan Strange
10) Joe Kavalier
11) Buffy Summers

What is your best karaoke song?

"Fancy" by Reba McEntire.

What is your favorite adult beverage?

Champagne with a couple shakes of bitters.

What is the most crucial snack food and/or movie/or anything you'd bring to an FYA slumber party?

I bake a lot of mini-muffins, because they are delicious and adorable. I often bring the 2009 Emma miniseries or 2006 Jane Eyre miniseries to slumber parties, because I believe they are criminally underseen.

What book have you read the most number of times?

Gone With the Wind or The Stand. I used to read both every summer vacation.

YA authors are so cool. Who would you give a BFF charm to?

Judy Blume, no doubt.

Out of all of the characters you’ve read, which one do you most wish you could be?

Frodo. I want a quest, dammit! And I want to take periodic breaks from that quest with lots of wonderfully described food.

AND NOW, MASH

Meredith made three picks for each category, and I added a fourth. The magic number (chosen by a random number generator) was 6.

M A S H

SPOUSE

Neville Longbottom
Pacey Witter
Joseph Fiennes as Shakespeare
Atticus Finch

HONEYMOON

The Shire
District 13
Prince Edward Island
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

# OF KIDS

0
1
2
3

JOB

Playwright
Glamorous spy/assassin
Intrepid detective
YA book blogger

INCOME

Paid in wishes
Paid in champagne
Paid in books
Paid in movies (I've got that one down already!)

HOMETOWN

Whatever town Pemberley's in
Colby, North Carolina
Whatever town Donwell Abbey's in
Hobbiton

PET

A snowy white magical owl
A pudu
A magical talking cat
A miniature donkey

VEHICLE

Gladys, Flavia de Luce's bicycle
Elphaba's flying broom
Dean Winchester's Impala
The Pig from The Raven Cycle

Do you have additional questions for Meredith? Or maybe just want to comment on something particularly awesome that she said? Head to the comments!

The Road So Far

Welcome back, superfans! After last week’s big reveal that Sam came back from Hell short one soul, this week explores precisely what that means for his character. And by “explore,” I mean highlight his hilarious new lack of empathy by way of a Pinocchio-themed X-files parody. This. This is precisely why the show deserves to continue (even if the natural storyline would have been better served by ending at Season 5). Shizz is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, darlings, and I’m here for every surreal second of it.

THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME:

Take a drink every time:

•  There’s a corpse

•  A demon possesses/de-possesses and/or makes a deal with some hapless schmuck

•  Someone on the show takes a drink

•  Dean crams his face full of junk food

•  Anyone is tied up

•  Either brother picks a lock

•  Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias

•  The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty

6x9: Clap Your Hands if You Believe

Monster of the Week: Leprechaun

Strange things are happening in a small Midwestern town—crop circles, missing teens, fairy sightings, seemingly sentient timepieces. The Winchesters roll into town to check it out. Dean gets promptly gets abducted by aliens. He’s mysteriously released only hours later and finds his brother in flagrante with a UFO enthusiast instead of out trying to find him. Not cool, bro.

Dean’s abduction story is pretty par for the course, except for the fact that he was armed with a revolver and fired it wildly into the crowd of aliens before they could probe him. Later, he’s attacked by a Tinkerbell-shaped ball of light to Bowie’s “Major Tom,” before he traps her in a microwave and nukes her until she explodes. Did I mention that this episode is delightful?

Sam theorizes that fairies are behind the attacks! Dean seemingly confirms this when he stumbles across a bunch of tiny little elves running the town watchmaker’s business for him! Sam confronts the guy and learns that he has Parkinson’s, leaving him without the fine motor skills his business requires. After he used a summoning spell, a leprechaun appeared and made him a deal—industrious elves that would do all his work in exchange for the “fruit and fat of the land. Which turned out to be the town’s first-born children. Tricksy leprechaun!

When Dean gets arrested for attacking a little person he thinks might be a fairy, Sam has to face the creature alone. The leprechaun tells him he could get his soul back for him for a price. Sam thinks about it for precisely a half second before shooting him with iron and sending him back to fairyland.

Heaven and Hell of it All: Sam’s lack of a soul/empathy manifests itself pretty hilariously this week, for example, when he remains blithely unconcerned when Dean’s abducted, advising him to watch out for the “fourth encounter,” i.e. “butt stuff,” while simultaneously checking out a pretty waitress. Later, Dean tries to convince Sam that he should have felt torn up when he went missing, leading our ginormous friend to the conclusion that having a soul = suffering, which also = totes lame.

Drink Count: 4, for dranks drunk onscreen.

The Quotable Winchesters: “If you want to add glitter to that glue you’re sniffing, that’s fine, but don’t dump your wackadoo all over us. We’d rather not step in it.” –Sam, once again proving soulless Sam is way more fun than standard Sam.

Most GIF-able moment:

So many contenders this week (seriously, watch this episode), but Dean's crazy-eyed rant against fairies while being arrested pulls ahead by a nose.  

Notable Cameos: None

6x10: Caged Heat

Monster of the Week: Crowley

The Winchsters are ambused! By who you might ask. Sigh. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, darlings. Meg. It was Meg. Meg is back. Give me a moment.

*curses a few times* *sighs* *gathers self*

Pressing on!

The demon who will not stay dead no matter how much we wish it (and who is also still loyal to Lucifer) agrees to Sam’s proposal of an alliance against Crowley. Sam plans on double-crossing her of course, and also calls Castiel for backup, promising to hunt him down if he doesn’t deliver. Damn, Moose. Take it down a notch.

Crowley has built himself a Guantanamo for alpha monsters and is torturing them to find the location of Purgatory. The boys try to get the location out of Grandpa Samuel, but he won’t help because Crowley promised to bring Mary back if he plays the good little lackey. Dean has harsh words for him that appear to mean something because he later shows up and tells the boys where the prison is.

After Sam recovers Ruby’s demon-slaying knife from Meg, she, her demons, Castiel and the boys head out to storm Crowley’s hideout. Too bad Grandpa Samuel told Crowley to expect them. For inexplicable reasons, Meg and Cas share a steamy kiss and then she throws herself to hellhounds so the Winchesters can get a shot at Crowley. They are, of course, almost immediately captured. After a little torture and a few stray vampires, everyone gets free and they manage to capture Crowley in a demon’s trap. Meg, being the worst, allows him to get escape. Luckily, Cas shows up with Crowley’s bones and sets them aflame, seemingly killing him. Meg disappears before anyone gets any ideas and Cas heads off to clean out the monster prison.

Heaven and Hell of it All: Dean is starting to think Sam doesn’t even want his soul back. Castiel tells Dean he’s not sure it’s even a good idea. Sam’s soul has been locked up with two very angry angels for a long time—he thinks putting it back into his body will result in Sam turning into at best, a catatonic mess and at worst, a monster. Before he gets torched, Crowley says that he can’t bring Sam’s soul out. Cas promises to find another way. But Sam prefers to keep whatever life he has to the chance of losing it entirely.

Drink Count: 9 for corpses, people tied, and a demon deal.

The Quotable Winchesters: “If this pizza man truly loves this babysitter, why does he keep slapping her rear?” –Castiel, watching porn in the motel du Winchester and not really understanding how it works.

Most GIF-able moment:

He learned that from the pizza man.

Notable Cameos: None

Next Week: Death is back!

Frostblood, Elly Blake’s debut novel, is a fantasy adventure set in a world where flame and ice are mortal enemies.

In writing this book, Blake, who has always loved elemental magic, wanted to explore what happens when opposing forces are drawn to one another, and the conflict that follows. Fire and frost, light and darkness, freedom and imprisonment, violence and restraint—all are themes in the book.

The cover certainly gets the violent part across—but what’s inside the cover also sounds quite intriguing.

Here’s the official word:

Seventeen-year-old Ruby is a fireblood who must hide her powers of heat and flame from the cruel frostblood ruling class that wants to destroy all that are left of her kind. So when her mother is killed for protecting her and rebel frostbloods demand her help to kill their rampaging king, she agrees. But Ruby's powers are unpredictable, and she's not sure she's willing to let the rebels and an infuriating (yet irresistible) young man called Arcus use her as their weapon. All she wants is revenge, but before they can take action, Ruby is captured and forced to take part in the king's tournaments that pit fireblood prisoners against frostblood champions. Now she has only one chance to destroy the maniacal ruler who has taken everything from her and from the icy young man she has come to love.

Fast-paced and compelling, Frostblood is the first in a page-turning new young adult three-book series about a world where flame and ice are mortal enemies—but together create a power that could change everything.

Frostblood will be released in January 2017.