Alexis and Rosemary here, barely keeping up with all the new LiarLogic flying our way!

AWARDS

#5YEARSFORWARD: BIGGEST SHOCK/BEST SURPRISE

Hanna didn't order any breakfast???

Runner-up: that Ezra admitted to SOME personal wrongdoing.

#5YEARSFORWARD: BIGGEST NO-DUH

An anonymous malicious crazy person did something anonymous, evil and crazy, and Emily is the one feeling guilty about it.

Runner-up: that we're supposed to forgive Ezra for admitting to some personal wrongdoing.

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A girl can dream, Em.

MOST UPVOTED NEW COMMENT ON TRIPADVISOR: ROSEWOOD

I have no idea who the nice young man was who heard us complaining about the 2-hour wait outside the Rosewood Grille and stepped in to recommend the Two Crows, but whoever he was, we wish him good karma as we pay it forward with this tip to everyone else planning a vacation to Rosewood! The Two Crows was *exactly* what we were looking for for our anniversary dinner, small and dim and so quiet, just perfectly romantic. And the roast fowl! I don’t know what the chef’s secret is, but that bird just sung in our mouths. 5 stars, highly recommend! - Julie and John, Bethlehem, PA, 2016

MOST LIT ALLUSION

“Sealed like something in a Poe story…,” from Spencer’s lips to our ears!

Obviously the story she’s referring to is the eminently creepy “The Cask of Amontillado,” which:

“I continued, as was my in to smile in his face, and he did not perceive that my to smile now was at the thought of his immolation.”

and

“It was in vain that Fortunato, uplifting his dull torch, endeavoured to pry into the depth of the recess. Its termination the feeble light did not enable us to see.”

But “The Murders in the Rue Morgue” offers up some other good advice for our Liars #5YearsForward, which Aria herself seems to be taking to heart:

“In investigations such as we are now pursuing, it should not be so much asked ‘what has occurred,’ as ‘what has occurred that has never occurred before.’” 

In other words, new A, new gAme, new rules.

THAT'S SO #FREEFORM

Sexin' and textin'!

*bloop* *bloop* *bloop* #FREEFORM

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

Spencer stole Yvonne’s phone for Caleb to hack and Mona totally busted her for it. Emily donated her eggs for money, which ~*~DUH~*~ emoji-A stole in an act of immaculate interception. All signs hinted at the likelihood that Ali has a quasi-inappropriate sorta-relationship going on with Charlotte’s “doctor,” Elliot, Please Rollins. The Liars accused Ezra of killing Charlotte because he refused to tell a single one of them where he was the night she was killed and he had such an outsized (so, normal) old-money white boy tantrum over it he skipped town for two whole, glorious episodes. Team Sparia leapt balconies to break into Shower Harvey’s room at The Radley to steal the golf club that emoji-A/maybe-Sara was using to try and frame Aria’s dad for Charlotte’s murder, but no golf club was to be found. What they DID find: 1) blueprints suggesting that it ALSO used to be Charlotte’s room at Radley Sanitarium, and 2) a hidey-hole bashed into the back of the closet with a ladder leading down to Murder Narnia. Which, naturally, Aria immediately climbed down without warning one to Spencer.

THIS WEEK

Hanna Summits Jordan

Ah, remember the days when each episode would open with the Liars summitting and LiarLogicking their way through a second recap of the previous week’s shenanigans? Hanna does! And she wants NONE of it, which is why she spent the last half of last week’s episode fleeing her life as quickly as she could, and starts this week’s episode holed up with Jordan in Pennsylvania’s most romantic (and probably isolated) life-sized Hallmark card.

Jordan’s a good egg (foreshadowing pun!) and knows that between losing her designer’s assistant gig in NYC and losing her g-d calm in the aftermath of Charlotte’s murder, Hanna needs to do some major processing, but we’ve still got 57 minutes left in the episode, so Hanna shuts that business down by distracting him with the reminder that “Shhh….we’re #Freeform now. We can have as much sex as we want.” 

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Pretty Little Liars Lingerie collection, coming soon to an Aeropostale near you!

And they do, with a creepy bronzed Cupid watching from the ceiling, texting emoji-A from his invisible Cupid-phone.

The Liar, The Bitch, and Aria’s Wardrobe

Meanwhile, Spencer has reacted to Aria’s silent disappearance down into Murder Narnia NOT by calling Caleb, or Emily, or Radley’s historically most resourceful ex-resident, MonA, or even The Radley’s wine&secrets cellar expert, Ashley, but by just straight up following the little Liar into the black.

Good news and bad news await Spencer when she reaches Murder Narnia. The good? She finds Aria whole and (sorry/not sorry) hale at the bottom of the ladder. The bad? She is frozen in front of a dusty, rusty old electroshock doo-dad like the one ChArlotte tortured them with in the dollhouse. “Guess we know where she learned all her fun tricks,” Spencer deadpans, which seems cold but we suspect is the only way any of them can get through a day in Rosewood without screaming themselves hoarse.

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Rosewood: Guiness World Record holder for "Most Torture Devices per Square Mile"

Across from the dusty torture table is a dusty door with a suspiciously un-dusty handle. Naturally, they open it, and naturally, it reveals a secret hallway that Spencer deduces was formed when Radley constructed a false basement wall to hide all their torturous equipment before handing the keys over to THE Radley. Man, if anyone needed convincing that Radley Sanitarium’s administration team was a bit short on smarts, here’s proof on a silver platter: they constructed an entirely new wall presumably spanning the whole footprint of the building, rather than deconstructing and removing in pieces the few pieces of medically unsound equipment they wanted to hide. “It’s like something out of a Poe story,” Spencer observes. Like a complex, high-stakes plan undertaken by a person driven mad by abstract forces? Yep! Exactly!

Anyway, Team Sparia and their Flashlight apps make their way to the end of the narrow hall, hoping to find more clues but ultimately hitting a dead end filled with naught but a single filing cabinet. Spencer—who you might recall broke into Radley and/or its basement *multiple times* in search of secret files—is remarkably unexcited by this find, and turns to make her way back. Aria’s sleuthing brain will not be dissuaded, though, and she quickly notes that the filing cabinet is ALSO completely free of dust…and when pushed aside, reveals a huge hole in the side of the building that leads to a stairwell that leads to a gigantic exterior door that has, evidently, gone unnoticed by all landscapers, renovation crews, maintenance people, guests, Radley Hotel staffers, and Detective Inspector Gadget Lorenzo and his fellow RPD officers over the last however many months.

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Is that.....Toby? With....goat legs?

So, TADA! This is apparently how Sara “No Hands” Harvey has been getting out of the hotel undetected. By bashing in walls and climbing ladders and moving filing cabinets and opening doors, among other hand-y activities. And if Sara’s using her hands for all that, who’s to say she hasn’t ALSO been using her hands for other things? Like, nimbly switching back and forth from the QWERTY to the emoji keyboard on her tiny smartphone, for one example? Or like injecting Emily with mystery medicine and holding her wrists against a hospital bed, for another? The possibilities are endless, now that Sara’s no longer handless!

LiarLogic, Assemble!

In a very entertaining pivot on the Teen!Liar habit of withholding all new info until the last possible moment, Spencer races back to the Hastings Barn and reports her and Aria’s find with such enthusiasm that she is barely through the door before half of it is out of her mouth. Caleb SHOULD find this revelation compelling, but his hacking around in Yvonne’s cyberspace has uncovered some secrets more personally relevant to his newest lady love, so Spencer has to wait until the next morning when she and Aria can loop Emily into the scheming.

At Brewz-a-Palooza the next day, then, the three Liars left in Rosewood discuss their options. Or rather, Emily lays them out for the other two: 1) Tell Ashley, and 2) Tell Alison.

Aria lets out a resounding nope! to the first, arguing that if they tell “Mrs. Marin” (see, Em, you’re not the only one too shy to jump Hanna’s train to using parents’ first names!) she’ll just kick Sara out of the hotel, and THEN where would the Liars be??? (Safe in their beds back in their homes outside of Rosewood, because Ashley would also have to call the cops, and they would have reason to re-question Sara, and possibly arrest her, and probably put a stop to the new emoji-A game, is where.)

As for the second option, if they *do* tell the Alison (“She was at the clinic with me when I thought I saw Sara, and Charlotte was her sister—she deserves to know,” Em points out), Spencer notes that they will have to be prepared for Ali to turn right back around and tell the cops. Aria, in a stroke of commendable maturity, is like, maybe we should! Secrets are getting toxic, and we ARE adults! But Spencer has an ingrained aversion to the phrase “tell the cops,” so hearing Aria support it so wholeheartedly it sends her flying to her feet and bolting for the door. “Just…just keeping trying to get in touch with Hanna!” she says on her way out.

Aria, Thy Name is Doctorow

Aria and Emily are interrupted from continuing their discussion about the wisdom of involving the RPD at this, or any, stage of the new A-game, by the sudden appearance of Liam, who traveled all the way to Rosewood and thought he’d grab some coffee before so much as texting his girlfriend to let her know he was coming. But he figured this would be the best way to get the next pages of Ezra’s book which, if you remember dear readers, ARIA IS WRITING FOR EZRA BECAUSE HE SUCKS SO HARD.

The rest of Liam’s visit unfolds slowly in short scenes over the course of the rest of the episode, but let’s just get it done with now, because as much as we are growing to love Liam and his role in Aria’s life, this arc is inextricably tangled up with Ezra and just, UGH. So:

Later that afternoon, Aria brings Liam home to a mercifully Byron-free Montgomery living room, where she watches him nervously as he finishes the chapters “Ezra” “wrote.” And he loves them! Phew! Well…except for the occasional “conflicting voices,” and also the way Ezra’s pages give him the same feelings he feels when reading Aria’s writing. Because it is her writing. She wrote this. 

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Liam, you are a tiny infant angel (Rosemary's highest term of endearment!) and we love you already.

We love that he recognizes her voice immediately (it says SO MUCH about him vs. Ezra), and he handles the situation calmly, asking all the right questions. “Is Ezra here? Is he drunk? Did he coerce you into this?” Aria being Aria, of course, refuses to badmouth Ezra one bit, because she is worried that Ezra will get in trouble, but Liam is only worried about Aria’s wellbeing in all of this. Liam, stay forever. Here, let us refill your Heifer.org mug.

Later, Aria is at the Brew still writing Ezra’s damn book (Liam’s advice having been, “finish this chapter, and when/if Ezra returns, we will figure out how to move forward then”) when he shows up on the literal night breeze, somehow looking even more pedo than before. She follows him up to his apartment (blech) apologizes (BLECH) for thinking he killed someone, and he gives her shit about it because he is a piece of shit. Turns out, he ran into Byron and Ella and they asked him not to tell Aria that they were getting back together. So he didn’t tell her. And he was so angry when she thought he killed someone, he left town. But he didn’t get far before he remembered ALL THE TIMES HE LIED TO HER.

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So…somehow all this shit-giving is him…apologizing? Ugh fine, Ezra.

Oh, also, while he was in Albany, he wrote the next three chapters of his book, and he wants her to read it before she sends it to publisher. UGHHHHH FIIIIIIINE EZRAAAAAA.

Okay, back to the rest of the episode.

Speak The Devil’s Name Three Times…

So thanks to Spencer, Aria, and Emily each having mentioned going to the police, World’s Best* Detective Tanner just *appears* in Ali's living room in a flash of campy 90s goth lights. "I didn't know the state police were involved now, too," Ali hedges, with much greater implied faith in Detective Inspector Gadget Lorenzo than she really ought to have. "Well, your sister committed as many or more crimes outside of the bounds of Rosewood as she did within, so maybe just be glad it's JUST the state police who have been called in to help, hm?" Tanner says, warming up her condescension for the long day yet ahead.

After establishing the reason for her presence, Tanner proceeds to tell Ali and Elliot, Please that the autopsy revealed that Charlotte was struck along the cervical (?) spine with a long, hollow piece of metal with a rectangular hole in the end that made a vivid cut in her neck. Also, the night she was murdered, someone from the Two Crows restaurant called Ali’s landline and spoke on the phone with someone for three minutes, and if Ali was already in bed and the good "Dr." Rollins wasn't there overnight, wink wink?, then, well, it MUST have been Charlotte who answered…

Ali and Elliot, Please exchange a heavily loaded glance, and Tanner, pleased to see that her insidious work there is done, saunters off to find new young women to coolly not threaten.

Later, following their own advice, Emily and Spencer show up at Ali’s house to tell her everything that’s been happening while she’s been sampling Amish cheeses with her inappropriate new beau. They don’t think this new emoji-A is the same person who killed Charlotte—they think it’s someone who wants revenge for her murder. Ali is with them, mostly, until the point that they reveal the murder weapon emoji-A has been taunting them with. "But the murder weapon was a long hollow metal stick, with a rectangular notch cut out of one end," Ali interrupts, brow furrowed. "Detecetive Tanner, who has never once been wrong about any aspect of a case involving any of us, and who has certainly never been hoodwinked by our very own schemes, she TOLD me so! Anyway, have either of you heard of this restaurant, the Two Crows??" 

"A restaurant in Rosewood that isn't the Grille, Lucky Leon's, or Brewbarella? IDK, sounds fake," Em says. "But also OMG are we getting Punk'd™??" Maybe! But that would be the first time anyone in the whole of Rosewood but Mona had a sense of humor, so, maybe let's not hold our breaths, Liars.

Later, Tanner creeps up on Emily at the Brew and thanks her for sticking around Rosewood in that aggravatingly passive-aggressive way she has (we told you she'd just been warming her engines up earlier with Ali and Elliot, Please).

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"You know, I kissed a girl once. It was the seventies!"

The moment she has Emily on the defensive, she’s like “Oh and bee-tee-dubs, what happened to Charlotte was the first homicide we’ve had in Rosewood in five years. When your gang gets together THE MURDERS, THEY GET A'HAPPENING.” And then she threatens to keep them in Rosewood, like, legally, unless Emily and the rest agree to stay there of their own volition. Emily gulps and agrees.

*nope

Good Egg, Bad Egg, Missing Egg(s)

Outside the wackadoo murder world of Rosewood, Hanna wakes up the same way she fell asleep: to banging (bah dum CHING). Also to a million SOS texts, which, duh, so she throws on another piece from her crazy lingerie collection and opens the door, which is where the banging noise is coming from. Jordan appears with breakfast that Hanna didn’t order (scandal), and when she points this out, rather than saying, "huh, that sure sounds like any of the dozens of things that A plagued you with over the years, maybe I should check and see if it is a platter of grave dirt and worms!" he just shrugs like “I’m a rich white guy, this sort of thing just happens to me” and hands the tray in question over. Hanna knows better though, and a quick check uncovers the handwritten note that years of being stalked has taught her to expect: THE HONEYMOON IS OVER, accompanied by a sunnyside egg face with a fork stuck in one yolky eye and POOR JORDIE scrawled in ketchup along the top of the plate.

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Poor Jordie's about to get covered and smothered.

Hanna does not, it is important to note here, show Jordan any of this. Instead she explodes at the fact that he hasn't read her mind and doesn't just *know* that they need to get back to Rosewood ASAP, and then we guess sends him out for groceries while she gets the skinny from Em on each of the thousand and three things that went down in the 23 hours Hanna was gone.

The top of the list? The fact that Emily, after turning down Aria’s repeated offer of company (and confusing us as to when Em told the rest of the Liars about her egg-sitch in general, and why neither Aria nor Spencer paid an inch of attention to it until now), discovered that the Hollis Medical Center was hit by a freak accident overnight, in which a freezer unit—along with all of its backup systems AND the clinic’s alarms—failed, and the clinic lost everything: not just Emily’s eggs, but like 30 other people’s. 

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PLL Season 23: Emily's Biological Daughter Seeks Revenge and Steals the Game

Cuddled together on the window seat at Lucas Loft, Emily and Hanna try to work out why this new A wants them to lead him to Charlotte’s killer. Maybe someone did it because they thought it’s what *they* wanted? Like, in tribute to the Liars? But what kind of nut would do that??

::pushing our glasses up our noses:: WHY, LET US MAKE YOU A LIST OF ALL THE NUTS YOU ARE AFFILIATED WITH.

After Emily leaves to meet Spencer for the Ali Summit, Jordan asks Hanna if Emily honestly believes what the clinic said about the unit malfunction, and Hanna immediately picks a fight with him. “Oh, you think she’s just some skittish, worried girl, because hormones???” ??? is right, Han. We don't know WHAT you're about. And neither does Jordan: "No, I think she's someone who was tortured extensively when she was growing up, who probably has some reason to see the worst in—" "Oh so she's PARANOID now, is that it?!?!?" …yes?

Honestly, we thought Jordan was on the side of cAution, but it isn't like Hanna *showed* him the yolky threat on his life, so maybe not. Because what he eventually claps back with (and what should probably be the blurb on the back of the PLL DVD box set) is: “Bad things happen all the time! Conspiracies are harder to come by. But if you keep looking in the shadows, you're bound to find something.” He wants Hanna to get out of Rosewood and come back to NYC—not because he is telling her (thank God), but because he firmly believes she needs to take care of herself, which we can’t really blame and probably love him for—but Hanna refuses to leave her friends, which, we can't really blame and DEFINITELY love her for.

FMK: Spencer, Hanna, Mona Edition

On Rosewood Street, Spencer ducks into a store where Mona is trying on bedazzled earrings and ice-pick stilettos, and confronts her straight up: Did Mona tell Yvonne to leave her phone at lunch to prove to Yvonne that she shouldn’t trust Spencer? Mona’s like “Well…yeah, BUT! I am Your Holy Mona, and I knew that you’d find important intel on that phone, and this way it didn’t look like I was just handing you the intel, ya dig?” Mona thought that what the Philips campaign had planned to do was wrong, and she wanted to put a stop to it in the most Mona way possible: complicated subterfuge.

Caleb can’t believe that Spencer would take Mona on her word re: Yvonne’s phone, but before he can do deal with that on his own terms (jeeeeeeeez can one of this crew please just give Mona, legit ex-crazy and tortured for five times as long as the rest of girls, a dang BREAK??) he swings by the Radley bar to have a drink with Hanna. She looks at him like she wants to jump his bones, then retreats and tries to talk about beer instead. "We're friends," they establish, loudly and a lot, "friends."

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Remember? On Spencer's nana's couch?

As Caleb rises to leave, she touches his arm—which the camera has to ZOOM in on To Make A Point—then remembers a not-so-stellar time toward the end of their relationship. In soft flashback, we and Hanna both find him sitting in a dark alley hanging with a stray cat outside one of her Fashion Events. He feels uncomfortable around her boss Sybil. “It’s Celeste,” Hanna corrects, gently. Caleb’s like, whatever, they’re all basically Sybils and he didn’t come here to be around them. "What do you want?" Hanna asks. "What do YOU want?" he echoes. "I want to go back to when we didn't want to know what the other wanted, because we already knew," Hanna says, less confusingly than that sounds. They’re weird and distant and it’s a truly painful scene to watch. Caleb leaves, and as he walks away, sadly calls back, “…just don’t turn into a Sybil.” Ouch baby. Ouch.

From the bar, Caleb somehow makes his way straight to an elevator Mona is getting in, stopping the door with his giant man arm like he's some sort of local menace. “I have a message for you,” he growls, not reducing his image as a manly menace one bit, “If I find out you’re messing with Spencer in any way, I will personally take you apart.” HE IS SCARY! And again, JEEZ GUY, MAYBE GIVE MONA A BREAK. But it doesn't really matter because Mona! Is! Scarier!

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: : waits impatiently for answer : :

Stop Trying to Make Secrets Happen

Ali heads over to House of Hastings and opens up to Spencer about Elliot, Please. Her shit father bolted, Jason holed up in the vaults of gold at the Carissimi Group, and Ali was left to take care of Charlotte on her own, until Dr. Rollins stepped in. Surprise of surprises, they fell in love! It was mutual, but also inappropriate, Spencer points out. We love that they’re calling out inappropriate relationships NOW. But Ali—ALI—is “tired of secrets” (um, LOL) and she doesn’t want to keep Elliot, Please a secret anymore, so Spencer encourages her to talk to him about it.

Ali goes to Elliot, Please and tells him she told Spencer about him. He gets up and paces the room, all squirrely again, saying, “Things are moving quickly - maybe we keep it the way it is for now.” To which, Ali purses her lips. “I mean….we could," she responds with what appears to be a truckload of patience, "but then we will just have to have this conversation again in a month.”

Elliot, Please: “What do you want, Allison?”
Rosemary’s Husband: “Are they trying to decide where to go to eat?”
Ali: “I want something very complicated.”
Rosemary’s Husband: “Oooh, like Indian!"

Indian food must be his favorite, because Elliot, Please grabs her and kisses her.

Murder Narnia, Take Two

Now that Hanna is back on board the emoji-A murder train, she jumps at the chance to do some sleuthing with Aria (#Haria! our new favorite snoopers), and the two of them head back to Murder Narnia, where they are shocked but also maybe a little too excited to hear some thumping around deeper in the tunnels. Thinking it’s Sara, they legit wrestle Emily to nearly the ground before realizing it’s her. 

Back upstairs in the Radley's swank bar, Emily explains that she wanted to see Murder Narnia for herself—and she wanted to do it alone, in case she found someone down there, like Sara, whom possibly she might need to kill in total secrecy. 

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Speak for yourself, Han.

“Sorry about grabbing your boob, Em,” Hanna says. Emily feels terrible about her eggs being stolen, but Aria’s like babe, you have the money* now! Enjoy life! Treat yo’self! It’s not your fault! “Yeah,” Hanna says, “We will all have babies! It’s ok! They’ll be super hot and probably wear stupid earrings and they'll be bluesnarfing before they can walk! CHILLAX.”

*?

VeroniCarpe Diem

So what was the big secret Caleb uncovered via Yvonne’s phone, way back at the beginning of the episode? That the Phillips campaign somehow got their hands on Veronica’s private medical records, revealing that she is possibly Very Sick with Vague Illness that might obstruct her ability to participate fully in any future senatorial role, and they probably plan to release this to the public.

Spencer knew years ago that her mom had been sick, but had not been aware that the illness had reemerged. So sometime after the Brewbies summit with Aria and Emily, but *before* both the Suburban Chic summit with Emily and Ali and the Evil Genius summit with Mona in the hippie consignment shop, she headed over to Hastings HQ to confront her mother about this mystery illness. She was barely through the door, though, before she was stopped by Gil Suit Campaign Manager, who politically lectured her about how Melissa can’t have her flight reimbursed unless she provides him with a flight number or luggage tag. Presumably Melissa has been too absorbed in staring angstily at blank walls in dark rooms to answer his calls, so now Spencer has to play her sister’s keeper? Ugh. Go away, Gil Suit! Spencer and Veronica have years of healthy mother-daughter bonding to catch up on!

Unfortunately, Veronica is so aglow with the joy of running a cutthroat state senate campaign, er, we mean, the prospect of finally serving the good of the public rather than serving stinging defeat in a courtroom that Spencer doesn’t have it in her then, or later at home, to bring up the medical records at all. And for her trouble? Veronica plays Gil Suit’s messenger and lectures Spencer *again* about being responsible for getting Melissa’s missing luggage tag turned in for reimbursement. Being a Hastings is FUN. At least they tell each other they love each other, continuing to shock us at the warmth that’s developed between these two here, #5YearsForward.

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"I know about my nana's couch."

"I know you know."

When Caleb returns to the barn after his long afternoon comforting and menacing his former smooching buddies in turn, he finds Spencer sitting sexily by a roaring fire drinking wine. There’s some face stroking, then more sexy hand-holding, then Spencer lamenting how sad it is that his girlfriend is drinking alone (it comes off very sweetly, despite how that summary makes it sound). They go to the kitchen for wine, where Spencer nearly trips over Melissa’s suitcase and remembers her promise to bot Gil Suit and Veronica to collect the luggage tag. When she grabs the telescoping handle, though, it flies up into her face, completely broken. And not JUST broken—missing one of the telescoping rods. A rod which ismetal…and hollow…and has a rectangular shape on the end…

For the Love of God, Emoji-A!

A totally normal old-timey recording of “Whistle While You Work” plays while emoji-A (OR IS IT) spit-polishes up the old electroshock doo-dad down in Murder Narnia.

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Gotta get it shiny for some torturing!

Did we say totally normal? Whoops, we meant TOO CREEPY TO EXIST. WALL IT UP WITH ALL THE AMONTILLADO AND ABANDON IT TO TIME. 

NEXT TIME

Ali probably knows more than she’s letting on ~*~bEcUz ShE’s aLi duH~*~ and she’s playing on Emily’s fear of being run over by a car/drowned/strangled/etc. FUN. Until then!

KISSES,

A(lexis and Rosemary)

<-- Pretty Little Liars 6x15: Do Not Disturb

Pretty Little Liars 6x 17: We've All Got Baggage -->

Previously: Clary retrieves a mysterious box from the Fray/Fairchild loft; the Shadowhunters get tangled up with werewolves, who now have a new alpha in Hot Luke, but not before he gets gravely injured; and the Seelies consider switching their allegiance from the Clave to the Circle.

What Happened: 

Clary, Jace, and Simon take Hot Luke to Magnus' to heal him of the lethal alpha bite poison that he sustained, which also causes him to hallucinate and undergo random werewolf transformations. To cure him, Magnus needs some obscure Shadow World ingredients that UGH OF COURSE Simon insists on tagging along with Jace for. Which leads to them calling out the unrequited feelings that each are ignoring -- Jace with Alec's, Simon with his own for Clary -- as well as someone FINALLY asking Simon what happened at the vampire hotel, even if he isn't 'fessing up. CLUE IN, DONUTS.

Back at the Institute, the rest of the Lightwood fam has arrived: precocious Max and patriarch Robert, both of whom are way less tough on Izzy than Maryse is. But, of course, Maryse is only that way with Izzy because of how similar they both were at that age. (Casting really did nail the familial resemblance between mother and daughter, though.) With all the recent unsanctioned missions on Clary's behalf, the Lightwood name has been tarnished in the eyes of the Clave -- and restoring it requires marrying off one of kids in a political alliance. Naturally, Alec is Maryse's choice, much to his chagrin that following the rules has gotten him dick all (but, um, not literally), and to Izzy's that she's being overlooked yet again. In a sibling role reversal, Alec is the defiant one, eschewing duty to help out Clary and Magnus (and get his flirt on with the warlock), and Izzy is the responsible one, making herself over as Maryse's Mini-Me and putting family first.

Magnus succeeds in saving Luke's life, with an assist from Alec (swoooon, although they did look a little constipated). Between Magnus and Luke, Clary learns about her parents' pasts. Valentine and Jocelyn were both well-respected Shadowhunters, until Valentine became obsessed with ensuring blood purity (oh, yuck): experimenting with Downworlder blood, killing warlocks, and using the Mortal Cup to create more Shadowhunters for killing warlocks. Valentine was also convinced that Jocelyn was having an affair with his parabatai, Luke, who he then trapped and left to die in a den of werewolves, DAAAAANG. It's only when Jocelyn LITERALLY stabs Valentine in the back and runs off with the Mortal Cup that he and the Circle were defeated.

None of this is jogging Clary's memory any, but she learns that 1) the "JC" engraved on the mystery box is actually Jonathan Christopher, her brother who had died in a fire that Valentine had set, 2) she inherited an Angelic Power from Jocelyn, of being able to put real objects into drawings and vice versa, and 3) she knows where Jocelyn hid the Mortal Cup!

Shadowwinner of the Week:

Malec was beyond cute, both separately and together, but hooray for the most screentime Hot Luke has had so far! It's about time that he was brought into the loop.

Shadowloser of the Week:

I'm going to resist the temptation to give this to Simon always and pick poor Izzy instead. But, for once, it's not because the show's doing her a disservice! After constantly being undermined by her mother, Izzy has decided to prove to her that Alec isn't the only Lightwood sib capable of handling responsibility... which means dressing more sensibly and cutting ties with Seelies, incl. her Fey With Benefits, Meliorn. So wishing Izzy didn't have to sacrifice so much for the cause!

Say What?:

"I don't do mundane driving." - Finally something that Jace isn't good at! (... although motorcycles, he's cool with.)

"Magnus? Why does Magnus need me?" - Alec, throwing a morsel to the shippers.

"We need to have [the potion] ready before your boy toys get back." "What if they don't get back in time?" "You can't think like that, biscuit." - Magnus and Clary, please be friends forever.

"I'm an art student. All my adventures are supposed to be two-dimensional." - GROAN, this line from Clary.

"I was so proud when you broke his nose." - Maryse Lightwood, who values childrens' accomplishments a little differently than we mundanes do.

"We're Lightwoods. We break noses and accept the consequences." - Alec, with an interesting family motto.

"You don't really need compassion when you can get by on charm and good looks." - Jace, with some trufax that also makes him sound like a sociopath. 

"Are you my -- " "No, no, we never -- " "Slept together?" "Yeah. I mean, no!" - Clary and Luke, with a fun exchange. LOL Clary asking if Luke is her father. I mean, genetics can do crazy things, but GIRL.

"Drink break?" - Magnus, who can even make cleaning fun.

"I'm not being cryptic; I'm being coy." - Magnus, with the vocabulary lesson.

Swimfan Says...:

Here's Shadowhunter Chronicles expert, Meredith (@legallyblonde), with her take!

•  I loved that we got more background with Alec. The whole arranged/forced marriage thing is definitely a non-book twist, though.

•  Having Magnus give most of the backstory gave it a more objective perspective than what was in the books, with Hodge and Luke telling it. Magnus' "Valentine is a crazy madman" view is definitely closer to the book than Luke's "Valentine did this in the name of love!" view.  I also liked that they included Valentine and Luke being parabatai before Valentine got him turned into a werewolf.

•  The scene with Magnus and Alec ("I need your strength." "Take what you need.") was a well-done paraphrase of a Malec scene from the second book, and I want more moments of those two.

Burning Questions:

•  Wheeeeeere can I find a GIF of Magnus' magic hands hovering over Luke's body?

•  Speaking of Hot Luke, are werewolves allowed to be Shadowhunters? I'm guessing since Jocelyn had been keeping herself and Clary hidden, Luke hadn't been in touch with the Clave, either.

•  Speaking of hot adults, where was Young Hot Hodge in the flashbacks? I know that might have been excessive exposition to squeeze him in as well, but he was conspicuously absent for being Jocelyn's BFF and also someone who's still being severely punished for associating with Valentine.

•  UGHHHH the Lightwoods want to marry their kids off to restore family honour? WTF century is this?

•  Does anyone miss Chernobyl? LOL JK.

•  Does anyone want to stand up for Simon? He didn't annoy me anywhere as much in the book or movie, but I find myself increasingly wishing those vampires would have just eaten TV Simon. Even if him licking his Luke-bloodied hands was delightfully unexpected and creepy.

Next episode: "Major Arcana"

Title: Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce (Season 1)
Year: 2014
Fix: Female Friendships, The Indignities of Dating, Fabulous Wardrobes

Netflix Summary:

When her love life falls apart, both her public persona and business model need a major makeover.

FYA Summary:

Abby is a self-help writer in LA who has made a nice living from selling her Girlfriends' Guide series, tackling topics from marriage to child rearing. On the surface, she's got it all, but behind the scenes, her marriage is falling apart. Somehow, with the help of some new friends at her childrens' school, she's got to navigate a pending divorce, the small (or big) humiliations of dating after marriage, and repair her tattered reputation.

Along for the ride are Lyla, a brusque attorney who only likes her own children, Phoebe, a former model whose ex-husband still wants to sleep with her, Delia, an unmarried lawyer and Lyla's work rival, and Jo, a bakery owner with a mouth bigger than she is tall.

It totally works for this YA-loving audience, though, because even though almost every character has a kid and a career, they're still suffering through the same high school crap that dogs us all.

Familiar Faces:

Lisa Edelstein as Abby

Anyone here watch House? Dr. Cuddy is a far cry from Abby.

Janeane Garafolo as Lyla

Paul Adelstein as Jake

Did you know this Private Practice/Scandal alum is married to Paris, aka Liza Weil? I did not! Thanks, IMDB.

Couch-Sharing Capability: Grab Your Bestie

My mom actually got me started on this show, and I can attest that it does make for some good shared TV time (especially with champagne). I had brushed it off during commercials as silly, thinking it was an "omg shoes and yogurt, amirite girlfriend?!" sort of deal, but when I sat down with her to actually watch it, I was hooked. It's funny, sometimes poignant, sometimes sexy, and the dating/friendship situations ring true at any age or marital status. Plus, I'm all for women in their forties and beyond being shown as career women and objects of desire. It reminds me of Younger in that sexy wish-fulfillment sort of way, although with a distinctly West Coast feeling and far less deception.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: Medium

It seems like the ladies of this show are constantly at some sort of fancy party (they're all basically rich and have enviable closets, too), so I see no reason for you to abstain.

Use of Your Netflix Subscription: Do It!

Netflix exists for you to take a chance on shows like this -- and then binge watch if you end up liking it. With only 13 episodes in the first season, and the second currently airing, it's low-commitment. Every character has their chance at being horrible and annoying, but they always redeem themselves eventually, and the relationship issues are never presented as one-sided. Go on now, your couch is singing its siren song...

When I picked up The Royal We, I wasn't expecting to love it. I have a very mild interest in the contemporary monarchy (basically, what Kate Middleton is wearing, because SERIOUSLY, to have that wardrobe and figure!). And yet, I found myself at the airport absolutely unable to put the book down, despite never being able to focus on reading at the airport. When I got to New York City for BEA, all I could think about--aside from "where the hell is our AirBNB"--was "I NEED MORE." I was reading in bed every morning, despite my usual MO of getting up at the buttcrack of dawn and going out to explore. It was fun and charming, with plenty of emotional depth. So when we decided it should be February's FYA BC pick, well, I thought it deserved a cocktail!

This cocktail is basically a French 75 with a couple of twists. First, you infuse the gin with earl grey tea, then add lemon juice and an orange-vanilla simple syrup that adds sweetness as well as brings out the orange notes of the tea. If you prefer a drier cocktail, I'd use half of the recommended simple syrup to start.

THE ROYAL TEA

1 oz earl grey infused gin (method follows)
.75 oz fresh lemon juice
.5 oz orange vanilla simple syrup (recipe here), less if you prefer a drier cocktail
Champagne (Brut!)

Rosebuds (from rosebud tea) or orange twist to garnish

Add gin, lemon juice, and simple syrup to a champagne flute. Top with champagne and garnish.

For best results, chill your ingredients ahead of time.

Earl Grey Infused Gin

For every one cup of gin, add two earl grey teabags (I used Stash) and let infuse for two hours.  It will turn a deep amber brown (read: the color of regular tea), and the bottom near the tea bags will be the darkest. Don't worry: when you strain into a clean bottle, it will all even out.

This cocktail goes best with a "tea party" with your FYA book club. Don't have one? Join or start your own! 

BOOK REPORT for Morning Star (Red Rising #3) by Pierce Brown

Cover Story: Rising Golden Star
BFF Charm: O Captain! My Captain!
Swoonworthy Scale: 5
Talky Talk: Battle Tactics
Trigger Warning: War Brutality
Bonus Factors: Fitting Ending, Valkyries
Relationship Status: Veteran Friends

Danger, Will Robinson! Morning Star is the third book in the Red Rising trilogy. If you have not read the series’ other books—Red Rising and Golden Son—turn away now. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. If you have read the first two books, however, feel free to continue below. I will refrain from major spoilers in my review, but there might be hints at plot points and details about the story.

Cover Story: Rising Golden Star

For a seemingly simple cover, there’s a lot going on here. The scythe/sickle has multiple connections to the story: Darrow’s nickname of The Reaper, the curved slingBlades many characters use, etc. The gleam on the tool’s edge could also be a number of things: a rising sun/star, a nod at a “new day,” a hint of how sharp the weapon is, etc. I applaud the cover designer at once again creating a cover that’s minimal yet meaningful.

The Deal:

Darrow rose from the lowest of the lows to the highest of the highs, and, in doing so, made waves that rippled across the entirety of the solar system. But when you’re at the top, there’s often nowhere to go but down—and Darrow found this out the hard way, at the hands of people he once called friend.

But Darrow’s not willing or able to give up the fight—and neither are the people who got caught up in his waves. Instead of petering out, their ripples are only getting larger and more powerful. And they’re headed straight for the Sovereign of Luna and The Jackal.

BFF Charm: O Captain! My Captain!

Even at his lowest, Darrow’s a powerful presence, and a person that inspires loyalty and allegiance. He doesn’t always make the right decisions, and he’s not infallible, but that’s part of what makes him such an excellent leader—he not only is willing to admit his mistakes, but also he learns from them. From the very start of Red Rising, through in Golden Son, and until the end of Morning Star, I remained solidly convinced that, were I a member of his society, I’d follow him into battle without pause.

Swoonworthy Scale: 5

When you’re in the middle of a war that spans across the solar system, it can be hard to find/make time for romance. However, love finds a way. It’s not a focus of the novel, but there are a few surprisingly sweet moments amidst the chaos.

Talky Talk: Battle Tactics

Morning Star continues to ramp up the action that started in Red Rising and continued in Golden Son, and eventually reaches a climax that feels wholly authentic to all that came before. The story pulls no punches, and nothing is ever easy for Darrow and friends, but war shouldn’t ever be easy, even when it’s a fictional one fought in space by genetically modified individuals.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Pierce Brown knows how to craft a tale. From the very start of Red Rising, this series has been intense and engaging. Brown didn’t make it easy, and I’m glad for that—even though I cringed at some scenes, they never felt inauthentic; in fact, had they not been so visceral, I don’t think I would have connected as much with the series as I did. He also created characters who couldn’t be more removed from my life, yet felt like old friends by the time all was said and done.

Trigger Warning: War Brutality

I wouldn’t say that Morning Star is more brutal than Red Rising or Golden Son, but there are a lot of horrible things that happen in the novel, to people both bad and good. It is a war story, after all, and one that involves a lot of people who were bred for fighting, enjoy fighting, or are just really, really good at it when there are no other options.

Bonus Factor: Fitting Ending

I don’t want to give anything about how Morning Star ends away, because reading the twists and turns of the book more than half of the fun. I will say, however, that I’m super satisfied with the way the series wraps up.

Bonus Factor: Valkyries

No spoilers, but we get to meet Ragnar’s family in Morning Star. And they are awesome in all senses of the word (i.e., extremely impressive, fear-inspiring, and super cool).

Casting Call:

I cast Darrow in my review of the first book in this series, and Mustang and Sevro in my review of the second. To them I’ll add:

Adam Copeland (a.k.a. WWE’s Edge) as Ragnar

Don’t let the sweet face fool you, he’s definitely able to pull off the terror-inducing Obsidian.

Relationship Status: Veteran Friends

We’ve been through a lot, Book, in our time together. We’ve made startling discoveries about the truth of our existence, we’ve made many friends and even more enemies, we’ve been revolutionaries and visionaries and losers and victors and everything in between. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m thankful for the time we had together, and won’t easily forget it.

FTC Full Disclosure: I bought a copy of this book with my own money, and got neither a private dance party with Tom Hiddleston nor money in exchange for this review. Morning Star is available now.

Apparently the universe is just answering direct requests now?? I mean, last week I ended my recap with the lament, "Friendship and comedy and fighting in the sunshine, that's what I want back!" And what did we get this week but friendship and comedy and (relatively) so much sunshine! AND Coach Finstock! 

So, okay, universe, here's what I *really* want: Isaac. And I guess, if you're really feeling generous, Mason getting dating tips from Danny. But if you can't swing the second one, just Isaac will do! K, cool. Frvr yrs.

AWARDS

THIS WEEK'S WOLF PACK PUPPY

Preppy natural born-wolf Brett's lil' sis, Lori Talbot!

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Is Brett The Beast, Y/N

She's not *technically* a member of Scott's pack, sure, but after risking her own neck to check for blood on the soles of all the lacrosse games' spectators, and pursuing and single-handedly fighting back Kira's returned homicidal fox spirit, all to be rewarded with BARELY escaping the Beast's violent arrival? Well, if that doesn't earn her honorary membership, idek.

BEST REACTION TO SOMETHING SUPERNATURALLY RIDICULOUS

Let's call it a tie between Scott and Kira jumping into sexy times, like, immediately after the bus massacre, and the town's every news organization jumping into passionate fervor over the charity lacrosse game, like, immediately after dozens of teens’ insides were torn out on the exact school property where said lacrosse game is set to happen.

WEEKLY REMINDER THAT BEACON HILLS IS ON A HELLMOUTH

I'd gif that gut-dripping torso falling from the back of the bus while the kid belonging to it stares at us, but I have some vested interest in my ability to keep sleeping at night, so.

REIGNING PRESIDENT OF THE SCOTT MCCALL FAN CLUB

Hayden! Welcome to the pack, zombie wolf girl!

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Is Hayden somehow The Beast, Y/N

BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT

O hai, Samsung. UR back. Way to help Mason and Corey make out rule out the prep school players one by one?

PREVIOUSLY ON TEEN WOLF

Everyone risked their lives and also their beautiful hair and skin to rescue a trepanned Lydia from the electrified fortress that is the grim and yellowed Eichen House, and now we have seen literally everything Eichen House had to offer us and now we will never ever ever ever see it again, so help me Isaac (honestly, help me!). Scott brought his whole pack back together after that brief blip in time during which Theo managed to break them apart/kill him. Liam and Hayden <3 each other's mouths a whole lot but *gasp* the two crazy kids as star-crossed as a pair of Montagues and Capulets/McCalls and Argents, and Hayden can't decide whether she will stick with Theo, or join up with Liam and Scott. Kira let a murderous ancient fox spirit take up residence in her soul ages ago, but didn't stay in the desert long enough to let the Skinwalkers work their 100-year magic to evict it, and also Malia started a hunt to the death with her mom, another murderous canid, which didn't end so much as fizzle, so now ::shrug emoji:: hope neither of those things cause any problems until AFTER The Beast is defeated, I guess! 

Stiles, at least, got over his accidental homicide grumps and fell back into his well-worn role as smartass comic relief. Thank Parrish (i.e., the mythological guard dog of Hell, prophesied to be the only creature able to eventually beat The Beast).

THIS WEEK

Scary Movie MCMXVII

DID YOU KNOW: human beings have a lot of gross stuff all smushed together up inside their body trunk? Did you ever want to SEE it all, just to prove that all those science class rumors were true? Well, you're in luck! The Beast is on its nightly mayhem spree, and dropped his latest victims off at the local school for tomorrow's AP Bio lesson on exactly that!

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Is the AP Bio teacher The Beast ,Y/N

So cool news, all! The Beast is shifting more and more often, and killing more and more people in the process! And you know what THAT means, right? I didn't, but Argent lore is here to help: it means the beastly part is getting smarter and stronger, and the innocent teen soul inside part is getting more and more indistinct. Just in case the end of life as the poor, self-delusional residents of Beacon Hills have always known it wasn't bad enough—now there's a time limit on it!

There's No Limit on a Teenage Libido Though

There's really not! Neither the stress of knowing all of your friends (or at least, all of your secret boyfriend's friends) are probably going to be fried to death inside a supernatural nut house nor the legit body horror-inducing nightmare of seeing a dozen teens ripped from neck to navel is enough to quell a teenager's urge to bone their bae. Which seems like a joke anyone not watching MTV would make about shows on MTV, but also—this is literally life in Beacon Hills. If you don't bone your bae the *moment* literal blood isn't dripping in your eyes, when WILL you? LIFE IS SHORT.

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Is unexpected teen wolf pregnancy The Beast, Y/N

Also short, Kira's memory of her dad's wise injunction against her wielding any kind blade, for fear it might trigger that fox spirit inside her before she gets the chance to master her own soul's strength over it. Kira! You had one job!

Braeden! You Had ONE. JOB.

For real: what is the point of the next scene we're treated to, of *Scott's* mom watching out for Malia's safety by basically grounding her with Braeden as a shotgunned watchdog and a thick pile of mountain ash lining the windows and doors? Like…Malia goes to school five minutes later? Without Braeden? And also, Theo and his chimaeras can step across the mountain ash, and we already know where Theo stands vis à vis helping the Desert Wolf for a little quid pro quo?

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Is Derek Hale The Beast, Y/N

Honestly, this scene is just one of a half dozen this episode that felt like literally nothing more than a gift to longtime viewers for putting up with Lydia being nearly braindead in Eichen House for the better part of two half-seasons. Why is Melissa here? No idea! But Teen Wolf is richer anytime she's around, so, we'll take it. Why is half the town congregating in the parking lot of BHHS the morning after The Beast lays waste to half the freshman class? No idea! But it is SUNSHINE and LACROSSE, so, hell YES we will take it. How is it possible that Lydia is so completely recovered that she's not just back at school, but back to banter+banshee bully mode with the pack AND the Argents? NO IDEA. But she looks *great* and any amount of Lydia's skeptical sass is skeptical sass we all need.

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Is Greenberg The Beast, Y/N

I mean, basicaly zero percent of the plots in season 1-3 made sense, but we watched them and we loved them because at the end of every hour of this gloriously bonkers show, the plots are never the point. Dumb teens loving each other and making us laugh and playing lacrosse and tripping all over each other in amateur sleuthing pratfalls while looking sexier than any teen ever has IRL while overserious adult men glower smolderingly and moms prove themselves to be boss bitches with hearts of platinum, THAT is the point. Incoherent supernatural villainy plots? ::shrug emoji:: 

So, yeah, nothing about Melissa protecting Malia by locking her up for five hot seconds with Braeden made an ounce of sense. But I don't even care! Hi, show. I missed you.

Boy, Howdy

Okay, see, here, this, exactly: half of Invisi-Corey's skin is burnt off, and the sight is played for its sex appeal while two dudes argue endearingly and tell each other how great and necessary they are to the world. THIS is our show!

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Is Corey's beautiful sweater The Beast, Y/N

Also, Mason continues to totally live up to his Stiles 2.0 promise, putting the pieces of chaotic villainy all together and coming up with the solution that the Dread Doctors must be controlling The Beast's shifting somehow, and that every time they've encountered the thing, it has been around some sort of electrical/radio signal source. I have no idea if that is true, but Mason is very convincing, and those sure are a lot of television broadcasting trucks gathering outside the field in preparation for the big charity lacrosse game that very evening, and even Corey is willing to put off running away long enough to see Mason's theory through, so we may as well tag along for the logic-leaping ride!

Unfortunately, the charity lacrosse game is a Really Big Deal for Beacon Hills, and not one member of the pack can think of a good enough reason for any adult with a modicum of power to shut the thing down before it starts. Not even Stilinski! Although he at least makes the decent point that the last bomb threat that shut something in Beacon Hills down just garnered *more* press, which would, in the case of a creature summoned by broadcast frequencies, rather be exacerbating the problem.

O Coach, My Coach

That leaves Scott and Stiles with one last option: Coach Finstock. Who has been on sobriety leave from the school and team for ~somehow~ six months. Has this much time passed in-show since we last saw him? Don't worry about it. Not important.

What is important is that the man hasn't changed one bit. He needed a break from reality as much as Lydia did, but Coach? He figured out which facility in Beacon Hills really was the golden ticket—rehab! Soft pants day in and day out, and what's more, the place is basically deserted. I mean, do you really think anyone in Beacon Hills is trying to stay SOBER?? So no, Coach WON'T be breaking his solid relapse streak just ot brave the streets of Beacon Hills for one lousy lacrosse game, thank you very much! And a lacrosse game for CHARITY?? Please. Boys. Puh-leez.

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Is Coach Finst…ahhahahah, ah, sorry, I couldn't even finish the thought. No. He's not.

Naturally, the thing that does tempt Coach enough to check himself out is the fact that the boys want him to forefeit the game, in the name of whatever. And just as naturally, once they get to the field and are all suited up, Coach refuses to do anything of the sort. Are you kidding, boys? He has NEVER forfeited a game!

Sigh. Kiddos, I mean, truly what did you expect differently with this plan.

Parrish is Dead, Long Live Parrish

Lydia might have expected differently, but her school day was cut short when her banshee senses stopped her before she even left the library lacrosse confab, and she turned and found a slashed and bloody Jordan bleeding in the stacks. After that, it was goodbye, normal lens filter, hello again old Eichen House yellow. This time, at least, it was the Argents working with laugh out loud mad scientist machines, and Lydia in charge of it all. Small favors!

So Chris and Grandpa Argent have determined that the thing that is holding Jordan/the Hellhound back from beating The Beast is the fact that the two sides of his personality haven't met and accepted one another. And their solution is to lock him into a cryochamber so that he gets so cold his supernatural powers HAVE to kick in to keep him alive! Sure, makes sense.

What also makes perfect sense, but made me gasp aloud when he said it? The Hellhound telling Lydia that Jordan Parrish is already dead. Dun dun DUNNNN of course he is! But also, that is so scary and sad! 

And when did he die? our unflappable banshee demands.

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IS ISAAC THE BEAST, Y/N, I MEAN C'MON, HIS ARM IS **RIGHT THERE**

Oh, you know, just back in Afghanistan when a bomb blew him up at the same moment that Scott, Stiles, and Allison buried themselves in ice water to trigger the—ohhhhhhhh okay yeah! The cryochamber DOES make sense!! Huh. Would you look at that. (I mean, after you look at ISAAC'S ARM, IT IS RIGHT THERE, IN THEIR OWN ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE.)

Despite all the Hellhound's protestations to the contrary, Parrish does seem to return to his senses after Lydia badgers the creature into understanding that the humans of Beacon Hills—herself in particular—need Jordan Parrish, himself, and not just the animal inside. So who knows where this is going!

(To Isaac. Universe willing, to Isaac.)

Everyone, Lacrosse!

So, the lacrosse game is back on. And just like all lacrosse games in the history of Teen Wolf, it sets all our players up for hijinks, high comedy, and high stakes. 

Hijinks: Mason and Corey sneak onto the prep school team's bus to painstakingly search through all the bags for a pair of size 10 civilian shoes with blood caked on the bottom, because ICYMI the new trend is for all teenagers to own precisely one pair of shoes which they never ever wash or replace when they get soiled, not even with blood. They are nearly caught by one of the players come back for something forgotten, but Corey thinks fast and envelops Mason in his field of invisibility! And then, once the interloping player has again left the scene, envelops him with his mouth. Oh la la! It is very sweet. 

High comedy: Lori Talbot (Brett's sister) is tasked with furtively scanning the soles of every bystander, to the same end, which she does visually and not with her keen, innate werewolf supersniffer. Does it matter that this makes no sense? No! Because then it leaves the task open for Stiles the Human to finish after Lori is distracted by fighting Kira tooth and claw in the locker room, which in turns leaves the opportunity open for Stiles to bonk his head while manhandling Hayden's friend's ankle and trip around behind the bleachers all dazed and generally just remind us of where our original favorite doof is.

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Can NONE of the supernatural teens' supersniffers really pick out the scent of Parrish's blood where it shouldn't belong?? N/N

High stakes: Well, there's one! Yep, as Melissa and Braeden both totally called in, the Desert Wolf had no plans to wait until a full moon to seek Malia out. Good thing Braeden and her shot gun stayed on the case! 

Anyway, Malia's Plan B job *was* to disconnect all the TV van's broadcasting systems, so they couldn't be appropriated by the Dread Doctors for Beastly purposes. Alas, Bitch/Mom yanks Malia from the job, menacing, mocking, and trying to corrupt her good motives in turn. Man, the worst villains really are the people who don't have the imagination to understand what it might be like to want to do good for more than just themselves, you know?

The other high stakes issue that comes into play is, obviously, Kira's murderous fox spirit, which sees a katana in every lacrosse stick and proceeds to demolish every player on the field in her drive to WIN. Eventually, Scott and Liam rope Brett in to helping them boot her from the game (by mocking her to the point that she pummels him so hard his helmet flies off his head), and she mutters gloriously contemptuous Japanese as she stalks off the field.

Lori, for reasons that are unclear but again do! not! matter! abandons her shoe checking duties to follow Kira inside, where she breaks out her OWN Japanese (execrable, in Fox!Kira's estimation) and then her own claws, as she and Kira proceed to battle for the rest of the episode until Scott races in and battles Fox!Kira into submission, and then all three of them are forced to take cover as The Beast tears down the school hall.

Burn The School Down, Srsly

Yep: the pack's very well thought-out plan to get their egomaniacal coach to cancel a charity lacrosse game to keep the Dread Doctors from having a crowd to sic The Beast on totally backfired. Who'd have guessed! And now The Beast is loose (again) on campus (AGAIN), and Liam has unthinkingly thrown himself into one-on-one combat…

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Mason is The Beast, Y/Y

Oh MAN this SHOW.

NEXT TIME

Nevermind about that cliffhanger—we're going back in time. With the return of Crystal Reed!

<-- Teen Wolf 5x16: Lie Ability

Teen Wolf 5x18: The Maid of Gévaudan -->

Previously: Lexa speared the Ice Queen, and Pike and Bellamy lead a crew of assholes on a mission to massacre the Grounder army that was protecting Arkadia. NICE ONE, GUYS.

THIS WEEK ON THE 100

Pike and his crew of g-d idiots return from slaughtering the Grounder army, whose bodies Clarke and Lexa discover with horror. Thankfully, Indra is still alive, but only because Bellamy convinced Pike to let her deliver a message: "Skaikru rejects the coalition. This is their land now. We can leave or we can die." DIPLOMACY! Lexa calls on her armies, but Clarke asks for a chance to fix it. Unfortunately, she's not aware of Pike's Third Reich new reign, which involves kicking Grounders out of the medical ward and imprisoning Lincoln. Indra sets up a meeting with Kane, who sends Octavia, who then smuggles Clarke into Arkadia to meet with Bellamy, who TAKES HER PRISONER BECAUSE WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS. But oh snap, Clarke tazes Bellamy, and she and Octavia escape back to the Grounder camp, where Clarke begs Lexa to end the cycle of violence... and she agrees?

Meanwhile in the storyline that no one cares about, Jaha, ALL-E and Emori's brother arrive at Arkadia, but due to the No Grounder Policy, the latter gets stabbed to death. Them's the breaks! Jaha officially becomes Arkadia's first and only Street Preacher, and his main target is, of course, the most vulnerable: Raven, who's in mega pain thanks to her leg. She eventually takes the blue pill, and suddenly, her leg is healed and she sees... ALL-E. Well, shizz.

At least Malfoy is still alive! He and his girl Emori are running a nice Robin Hood-style racket on the roads that involves Malfoy playing dead. But a crew of particularly nasty Grounders doesn't fall for it, and they take him hostage in order to find out how that magic blue pill with the "sacred symbol" came into his possession.

MOMENTS

- Bellamy putting on that jacket, flexing those guns. WERK.

- Malfoy and Emori K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

- RAVEN YOU'RE BACK! (Let's just ignore the fact that your arc is looking reeeeeal victim-y.)

- Bellamy and Clarke. Alone in a room. Sharing lots of feels. AND GRASPING HANDS. (Let's just ignore the fact that Bellamy handcuffed Clarke a second later. And not in a hot sexual way.)

Via bellamyblako

HOLY SH*T X 100

- BELLAMY HANDCUFFED CLARKE. OH NO HE DIDN'T.

- CLARKE TAZED BELLAMY. OH YES SHE DID.

- That field of dead Grounders. Yikes.

ARKADIAN OF THE WEEK

I don't want to say that Octavia won by default, because she was awesome and totally on the right side of things, but there was a serious lack of competition this week because EVERYONE ELSE SUCKED.

SAY WHAT

"I was born for this." - Octavia, as she heads into an underground tunnel. That's what we call ON THE NOSE.

"We went too far." - Bellamy to Pike. YA THINK?

"You can still be useful." - Abby, not displaying her best bedside manner to Raven. OUCH.

"Everything's different." - Octavia, a.k.a the official mouthpiece of the writers' room.

"This isn't who you are." - Clarke. "You're wrong. This is who I've always been." - Bellamy, serving up an unwelcome reminder of Season 1.

"I need the guy who wouldn't let me pull that lever in Mt. Weather by myself." - Clarke, totally rom-coming a horrible act.

"May we meet again." - Abbey, quoting her daughter to her daughter. It's like, Mom, seriously, that's so one season ago.

"Blood must not have blood" - Lexa, CHANGING IT UP.

BURNING QUESTIONS

- At the risk of engulfing the comments section in flames, does Pike remind anyone else of... Donald Trump?

- So Clarke asks Indra to use the radio to signal Kane, but she's like, dying? RUDE.

- Why is everyone like, "Oh, hey! Jaha! You're back! That's cool! NBD!" and not like, "DUDE, HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?"

- What did Miller give to Lincoln in jail?

- What is Bellamy thinking, re: handcuffing Clarke? Like, what does he think he's accomplishing? I'm asking in all seriousness because I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

- Is anyone else worried about Raven's storyline? I really don't want her to end up like the star of an after school special.

Bring your answers--and your rants and raves--to the comments so we can CONVO!

Shameless Self-Promotion: Check out our The 100 themed t-shirts!

Book Related Things

YALLWest has released their official lineup, and there are tons of FYA faves! Are you going? (I am!)

Maybe bookstores aren't dying. 60 new indies opened in 2015.

Here's how some indie bookstores merchandise their diverse YA/children's sections.

This guy used his family's cellphones to recreate the Weasley clock.

These bookmarks are the legs of literary characters (much cuter than they sound!).

1910 book ads.

Movie Related Things

Here's some Star Wars: Episode VIII casting news.

Emily Blunt is the new Mary Poppins.

Disney princesses singing in their native languages.

Saoirse Ronan will star in another Ian McEwan adaptation.

TV Related Things

Cameron Crowe's Roadies series looks right up my alley (and maybe yours, too?).

Paul Anka (the dog) is returning to Gilmore Girls. (Tell me I'm not the only person who immediately thought, "wow, the dog is still alive?")

Katie Holmes doesn't see a Dawson's Creek revival working.

Watch Adele prank some very patient and polite kids at a Jamba Juice.

The Canadian military made a bunch of people think The OC was coming back. (It's not.) (Mandy W., what do you have to say for your fellow countrymen?!)

Miscellaneous Things

How's this for nostalgia? All of Sassy's Cute Band Alerts, from 1990-94.

That's it for this week! Did we miss anything? To the comments!

BOOK REPORT for Monsters (Ashes #3) by Ilsa J. Bick

Cover Story: Foggy
BFF Charm: Platinum
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: Intensity in Ten Cities
Bonus Factor: Satisfying Conclusion
Relationship Status: Til Death Do Us Part

Cover Story: Foggy

What's with all the green smoke? Is Alex a Marvel villain?

The Deal:

This is the final book in the Ashes trilogy, so if you haven't read the previous two novels, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. Seriously, check yourself before you wreck yourself, because you do NOT want to ruin this incredible series by continuing on with this post.

If you have read the first and second books, just know that I will be super vague so as not to spoil anything. Although this book's been out since 2013 so... you're probably sitting there thinking, "Posh, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?" And I'm like, "I KNOW. I'M AN IDIOT." Because holy effing shizz, you guys. HOLY EFFING SHIZZ. I CAN'T EVEN.

Monsters begins immediately where Shadows left off (and if you're like me and you waited a stupid amount of time to pick up Monsters, you can get a quick and dirty refresher on the end of Shadows here). Honestly, I don't want to tell you much beyond that, but I will say that Alex continues to be a badass, the action continues to be insane (and disgusting), and Ilsa J. Bick deftly manages to bring all of her storylines together in one epic finale.

BFF Charm: Platinum

If you combined Katniss Everdeen, Jessica Jones and Clarke Griffin, you still wouldn't have enough fierceness to rival the strength and grit of Alex Adair.* This girl is a tough as nails SURVIVOR, but what's truly remarkable is her enduring humanity. In spite of facing incessant violence, starvation and imminent death, Alex loves as ferociously as she fights, and it is truly a privilege to accompany her on this last literary leg of her journey.

*That might sound hyperbolic but talk to me after you've read the scene where Alex eats [spoiler redacted].

Swoonworthy Scale: 6

While I miss the days of Ashes, when Alex had time, albeit limited, for romance, I was content with the way certain relationships played out in this book. Tom is still noble and handsome, Chris is still earnest and compelling, and Wolf is... yeah, I'm gonna say it. WOLF IS SEXY, YOU GUYS. I know he eats people and probably has the worst stinkbreath in the history of stinkbreath but c'mon, no one smells good at this point in the apocalypse, amiright?

I do have one minor complaint in this department to direct at Ilsa J. Bick, and it's in regards to one character actually saying, "This isn't a dumb love triangle from a book or something." Stop trying to be clever, Bick, and GIVE US SOME KISSING.

Talky Talk: Intensity in Ten Cities

Oh, were you planning to sleep tonight? Because this book has other plans for you. The pacing is relentless, the plot twists are jaw-dropping and the nasty bits are REAL NASTY. With brutal yet delicate precision, Bick delivers a heart-pounding, mind-blowing ride that rocked me, socked me and left me for dead. (No joke, I think I have a fatal case of TEABS.)

Sincere apologies to my husband, Henri, who had the unfortunate experience of sharing a room with me when I read a particularly harrowing scene and totally LOST MY SHIZZ like a crazy person. But Henri, you should know that saying, "It's just a book," is never, ever helpful.

Bonus Factor: Satisfying Conclusion

Over the course of three books, Bick introduced a dizzying number of characters and storylines, and she expertly brings them together in an exhilarating climax that proves she knew what she was doing all along. I hated to say good-bye to these characters with whom I've grown so close, but I'm happy to report that they got the ending they deserved.*

*Okay, well, most of them. This is still Ilsa J. Bick we're talking about, so don't expect everyone to live.

Casting Call:

It's been a while since Meghan reviewed the first book, so I'm going to take this opportunity to do some recasting.

Eliza Taylor as Alex

Eliza has had to bust some extreme moves in the role of Clarke on The 100, and I think she could handle taking it to the next level of kickassery. (Eliza, how do you feel about running barefoot through the snow?)

Bob Morley as Tom

See what I did there?

Dylan O'Brien as Chris

Relationship Status: Til Death Do Us Part

Book, we've been through hell and high water together, and every challenge, be it a cannibal assault or a fiery explosion, only brought us closer. You've taken me on an unparalleled adventure that I will never forget (and not just because it's hard to get the image of human entrails out of my mind). Electric and earth-shattering, you've got my heart in your hands, and the possibility that you might devour it only makes our relationship that much more exciting.

Monsters is available now, and has been for over two years, so READ IT ALREADY. Then join me in the comments because I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS.

It's Friday! And I don't think you really want to work, do you? 

Instead, let us play one of my favorite games: Would You Rather? For example:

Would you rather...

- Never read The Raven King (or know how it ends), or get to read everything but the last 50 pages (and still don't know how it ends)?
- Watch Magic Mike XXL forever, or your least favorite Harry Potter movie?
- Strangle Jessica or Elizabeth?
- Be stuck in an attic with your creepily amorous brother or find out that your parents tried to erase the entire first few years of your existence?

Make up your own, answer the above, or talk about anything else you want!

(And for the record, my answer to the above image is "fart glitter." OBVIOUSLY.) 

Previously on The Originals: Prophecy of Mikaelson DOOOM. Marcel became the leader of the Strix, and Aya promised Davina the spell to revive Kol, in exchange for her help with Strix business. Aurora acquired the means to kills off the original family.

The Original Dysfunctional Family Drama

Klaus even has the New Orleans police force looking for Aurora, to no avail. Freya has also been searching for the cloaked Aurora night and day, without much luck. This isn’t good enough for Klaus, of course. Then the incredibly tiresome Aurora further wears out her welcome by kidnapping and then shooting Freya and burying her alive, in an obvious attempt to trap Freya’s brothers.

Klaus talks Hayley into helping keep Aurora away from Cami, since his guardianship is no longer welcome. Hayley takes Cami to Marcel’s gym for some good old-fashioned sparring out her anger issues.

Davina negotiates for Kol’s resurrection, in order to help her with the spell to unlink the sire line. Aya lets Davina use a hand of glory to temporarily bring Kol 1.0 back, for assistance with the spell. Kol tries to talk her out helping the Strix because she won’t like what’s required. She finally realizes they need more than blood, but also the heart of an unsired vampire. Due to the fact that Hayley was turned by her own child’s blood, not by a bite, means that Hayley’s death is necessary to break the spell. Davina calls to warn her that Aya’s witches are on the way, but it’s too late. Cami has some of her dark objects on hand, but ends up getting knocked out for her trouble Davina melding with ghostly Kol helps to knock out the witches. In an effort to avoid a Strix/Mikaelson war, Marcel digs up Jackson’s dead heart, since it shares the same unsired properties as Hayley’s, for use in the unlinking spell.

Holy Fang

“It’s easy to speak well of Jackson. He was a good man.” The moment Klaus killed me.

Cami and Hayley bonded! All the heart-eyes for lady friendships.

Aya called Hayley “werewolf trash” and now she has to die a gruesome death.

Aya and Aurora have now teamed up to take down the Mikaelsons! I really hate them both.

Winners and Losers

Winner: Aurora. That heinous she-monster is STILL alive. I can’t even, you guys. Obviously, Klaus is all talk with his numerous threats of murder.

Loser: Hayley. As if she hasn’t been through enough lately. Now the Strix are after her, AND her dead husband’s heart was stolen to use for witchcraft that will endanger her family.

Original Snark

“Niklaus, why don’t we reserve any malevolent intentions for ex-girlfriends.” Nobody has a better way with words than my Elijah.

“I keep forgetting to compel the shady landlord to fix it.” Cami has very nearly mastered the proper usage of compulsion.

“You don’t need a lecture, but I am going to take your ass to school.” QUEEN HAYLEY.

“There’s a fight coming, Cami. That’s what the prophecy says. And you’re not going to be much use to the home team, if you’re just standing around, waving a bunch of antiques.” PRAISE.

“Tend to Freya. I have to murder my ex.” If only, Klaus.

“It seems there’s no shortage of those who would stand against our family. Let’s kill them all.” This is how I plan to end all my toasts from now on. Cheers, y’all!

Haunting Questions

- OMG, when is Cami going to stop complaining about living forever? These are not real problems, girl.

- How much do you love how Klaus and Hayley’s relationship has evolved? It’s one of my favorite things.

- Do we really think the Strix are going to help Davina bring Kol back from the dead? Do we even want them to?

- Can someone PLEASE kill the du Martells already?

Next: “A Streetcar Named Desire”

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Surrogate Caroline is being slowly killed by her siphoning in utero twins, Damon is spiraling because he thinks he killed Elena, Stefan is SUPER cheesed that Damon killed Elena, Enzo's hair is amazing, and Valerie is being kind of the best. Oh, and there's a Huntress hell bent on killing all of the Heretics, and she kinda looks like Elena...? Weird.

What Went Down

WELL DAMN! I am not yet recovered, fellow fans! Let me get a drink before I delve in.

*blender noises from the kitchen*

Ok, let's do this! Damon drinks all the bourbon ever but kicks out his sidepiece before Bonnie can catch him. She waxes crazy with exposition about what happened in that hospital in Ohio with Nora and Mary Louise, and Damon's eyebrows are all like, "Whaaa?" Enzo calls Damon because Bonnie is ignoring him (hehe) and Enzo informs Damon that if they don't get him Rayna's sword he's going to tell Bonnie that Damon killed Elena. Damon Salvatore cares what VERY few people think of him, but Bon-Bon is at the top of that list, so off they go to bring Enzo the sword.

Except it's a trap! Because of course it is, because Rayna has Buffy-like strength and busted out of her glass cage. She's got Enzo tied up (purrrrrrr) with vervane-laced ropes and turns her crossbow on Damon and Bonnie. She wants her sword so she can finish the unfinished business she has with The Heretics; her sword can find someone once it's stabbed them. Beau is in danger (I lay all of this at Julian's feet) since Rayna stabbed him through the throat in 1903, and the Heretics (who were helping Caroline survive her magical C-section) have to leave the hospital to get away from Rayna. Nora and Mary Louise leave with Beau, who is killed by Rayna, and Valerie stays to help Caroline and also, I think, get some a bit of closure for her baby that was taken by Julian's violence.

Stefan is right by Caroline's side as she's under anesthesia and he enters her mind to keep her company while she's afraid. This scene was so sweet and just so "Stefan" that it makes the ending that much more bitter to swallow.

Damon corners Rayna in the hospital (because he's a fearless BEAST) and Stefan puts his anger aside long enough to help his brother. Except he gets stabbed by Rayna and has to leave town (and Caroline's side) because he's been marked by her sword. I REALLY hope he's on his way to New Orleans. Damon calls and informs him that Elena isn't dead! Enzo knew all along it was an empty coffin and that Damon was just hallucinating, and he finally told Damon the truth.

Caroline's C-section is a success and Ric gets there in time to see his daughters be born. He names them Josie and Elizabeth after Jo and Liz Forbes. Oh my heart..! Flash forward three years later and Caroline is in the car with her girls. She's on the phone with Ric and tells her girls that they're going to NEW ORLEANS. Steroline and Klaroline both hold places in my heart and I am TORN. 

Holy CRAP

-Rayna has multiple lives!

-Elena is still alive! (Yay...?)

-That fight sequence between Damon and Rayna was NO JOKE. I winced when I heard her break his leg!

-Julian made Rayna kill her own father so that he wouldn't fall victim to The Hunter's Curse. Julian is just odious.

-NEW ORLEANS!

Vamp of the Week: Beau

Y'all, Beau doesn't even have a surname listed on IMDB. This picture of him sipping tea is a perfect representation of how I feel about this character's lack of development and/or purpose on our show. And he had such potential! Finding out this week that his voicebox never healed because of Rayna's Magical Hunter Sword was like WHOA, but now he's DEAD and I'm just super irritated. All I can do is make you Vamp of the Week, sir. You deserved so much more.

Hero Hair/Nefarious Grin

Hero Hair: There was so much heroic hair going on this week that I was WIGGLING with nerves because I had no idea who I was going to pick! Aaaaand then Ric named one of his daughters after Caroline's mom and I may possibly still be crying. 

Nefarious Grin: Rayna, I don't hate you. In fact, you are a hell of a compelling villain with rich backstory tied into The Hunters' mythology, and even if the show did make a questionable choice with using Indians as a magical plot device, I love that you're basically a cat with nine lives. But now you're after Stefan, and you're tearing him apart from Caroline right after she had a very traumatizing C-section. My girl is full of hormones and breast milk and you're trying to kill her man! I have a feeling we're going to see you tangle with some Originals so you best bring your A-game!

Sound Bites

Damon: Go ahead. Let it all out, Bonnie. I’m a vile cheater. I couldn’t even wait a year.
Bonnie: Are you kidding me? The last thing anyone wants to deal with for the next six decades is a cranky, bitter, sexless Damon Salvatore, okay? I volunteer as tribute!

Bonnie: What’d you do? Couldn’t be worse than whatever was wearing that jean skirt. Krystal-with-a-K should thank Damon for making her scooch before Bonnie got there. LOL.

Stefan: This is the only way I could stop her.
Caroline: I know. I just wish it didn’t always have to be you. DAMMIT, SHOW! *fights the air*

Burning Questions

Where are Nora and Mary Louise?

Is Damon going to follow Rayna who's following Stefan to New Orleans? PARTY WITH KLAUS!

Is Rayna looking like Elena a casting coincidence OR does it hold some significance in the show's mythology?

Where are Officers Matt Donovan and Penny? Canoodling, perhaps? (God I hope so.)

WOW, y'all. That ending was an emotional one-two sucker punch! Come convo with me in the comments!

Who's ready to chat about this week's superhero goodness?

Small Screen Supes

Speedy Synopses

Lucifer 1x4: Manly Whatnots

In what has to be my favorite episode title ever (“Manly Whatnots”), Lucifer breaks into Chloe’s house to make her truffle omelets and bacon. Naturally, she kicks him out; but Lucifer Morningstar isn’t used to being rejected by women. A quick sesh with his favorite (ahem) therapist convinces him that all he needs to do to feel better about this whole Chloe-rejection-thing and bring her down from her power pedestal is … sleep with her! Right?!

Meanwhile, Chloe’s on the case of a missing girl, sweet Lindsey from out of town—vanished with some kind of connection to a mysterious Player’s Club, where men learn to be “players” in hot shot nightclubs. This is bad news for Chloe, because it turns out that Lucifer, as a hot shot nightclub owner, is on the guest list to one of these Player’s Club events. I smell a partnership!

A sneaky visit to the Player’s After-Hours Party reveals that sleazy Player’s Club front-man Cruz—previously prime suspect in the disappearance of Lindsey—is actually the missing girl’s boyfriend, and just wants her back from the bad people who’ve kidnapped her. Handily, immortally persuasive Lucifer brokers a deal to rescue Linsey from the evil kidnappers - his powers of seduction seem to work just fine over the phone. Luckily for the kidnappers, when you make a deal with the Devil, the Devil takes it pretty seriously—so when he promises no cop involvement in the ransom exchange, Chloe finds herself locked out and left out.

That also means that when said kidnappers want to play the player, Lucifer isn’t too happy about it. As it turns out, sweet innocent Lindsey actually kidnapped herself to get back at boyfriend Cruz—who doesn’t even remember their first passionate encounter, when Lindsey was a virgin and Cruz was still just playin’ the field. Turnabout’s fair play, but when Lindsey wants to shoot Cruz right there, the Devil isn’t having it. Murder for sliminess doesn’t really fit Lucifer’s sense of appropriate punishment, and he steps in with his real face to stop Lindsey—and Chloe, who rushes in just in time to catch his horrific reflection—in her tracks.

Stunned into thinking that maybe, there might just be a possibility that Lucifer’s been telling the truth all along, Chloe is talked into firing a shot at the supposedly impenetrable Ruler of Hell. And to everyone’s—well, Lucifer’s—surprise, it hurts. A LOT. And it bleeds. The case wraps up successfully, and everyone goes home safe—but both Lucifer and demon pal Maze are troubled by the blood. What’s the Ruler of the Underworld to do? (Savannah)

The Flash 2x14: Escape From Earth-2

Barry is still trapped in Zoom’s jail cell, along with Jesse and a mysterious stranger in a mask. Wells and Cisco don’t know where Zoom’s lair is, so they recruit the help of Detective Iris West and a reluctant Earth-2 Barry. (Iris takes their story in stride rather well, considering she just made out with a man who was not her husband.)

Using Barry’s algorithm that tracks metahumans, they find the likely location for Killer Frost. She agrees to take them to Zoom’s lair after Cisco convinces her that the supervillain doesn’t deserve her loyalty after what he did to Deathstorm.

Back in the jail, Jesse and Barry decode the message that the masked man has been tapping on the glass: J.A.Y. Before they can learn more, Zoom reappears just to mess with everyone. He gives Barry a clue that he could phase through the cell wall to escape. (Why didn’t you think of that before, genius dude?) But with Earth-2 being on a different frequency than Earth-1, Barry can’t figure out how to pass through.

Cisco and the others arrive, free Jesse with Killer Frost’s help, and Earth-2 Barry delivers a pep talk that gets our Barry to phase through the wall. Zoom speeds in and thanks Killer Frost for bringing Wells to him. (Let’s all sing it together, col-col-col-coldhearted, SNAKE.) But as Killer Frost watches Zoom about to kill Jesse in front of her father, she has a change of heart, and puts the evil speedster on ice long enough for everyone to get away.

Everyone makes it through the portal back to Earth-1, including Wells and Jesse, who have nowhere else to hide. As the portal closes, Zoom’s and reaches out and impales Jay, pulling him back to Earth-2. Gasp! (Kelly)

Agent Carter 2x06: Life of the Party

Since dark matter seems to stabilize Dr. Wilkes, Team Peggy decides to obtain another sample in order to keep him from completely disappearing. The problem is that the only known source of dark matter is Whitney Frost, and she'll see anyone from Team Peggy coming a mile away.

ENTER DOTTIE UNDERWOOD. Madcap, undercover, ballroom dancing shenanigans with Dottie and Jarvis. This episode is probably my favorite this season so far. (Dottie steals every scene she's in, and she's up against some pretty heavy hitters!) Peggy disguises herself as an American psychiatrist in order to visit/break out Dottie. She and Jarvis go to the Council of Nine's, aka Old White Men Who Drink Scotch's formal shindig (Jack Thompson is there—ugh—because of course he is), and Dottie manages to get the sample from Whitney by stumbling into her in the ladies room.

Sousa and Peggy have a VERY heated, close conversation as they're stationed in a van nearby, and Sousa confesses that Violet broke up with him because she believes him to still be in love with our Peggy. SWOON.

Of course Dottie's not going to do as she's told, and she sniffs a much BIGGER game afoot, so she stores away in a closet in the boardroom and is privy to seeing Whitney Frost KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES. And by that I mean that she absorb-kills all who would stand against her INCLUDING her codfish of a husband. Bye Chadwick! (Is it wrong that I kind of love her?) Dottie gets recaptured by Thompson, and this puts Red from That 70's Show hot on Peggy's trail. Luckily, Jarvis manages to retrieve the sample that Dottie made sure to leave behind as a clue that she's been taken. Later, Jack visits Peggy at Chez Stark and she feigns ignorance of any goings-on of the night before. (I can't quite figure out if Thompson is going to go Full Asshole this season, or if he'll have Peggy's back in the end but I am INVESTED.)

We're left with Dottie Underwood being shoved into the trunk of Frost's car; the showdown between these two is going to be EPIC. (Amanda R.)

Agent Carter 2x07: Monsters

Whitney Frost and Dottie Underwood have much in common, but one thing that really connects them is the entire world's willingness to constantly underestimate them. Dottie makes that same mistake when she smiles smugly at Whitney while being interrogated. A little bit of dark matter wipes the smug smile right off her face and we now know what Dottie looks like when she's terrified. All I can do is wince watching this Black Widow be broken.

The dark matter works on Jason and he's so excited that he leans in and kisses Peggy. HELLA AWKWARD. Jarvis finally gets her to talk about her two suitors and Peggy is truly at a loss with how to move forward with either (or neither) of them. (Sidenote: Jarvis Is The Best.)

Peggy feels responsible for Dottie's disappearance and insists on a rescue mission, which turns out to be a trap, except that it's not Jarvis and Peggy who are the prize—it's Dr. Wilkes. Dottie spilled the beans about him still being alive and full of dark matter, and Frost LOVES her some dark matter. While Peggy and Jarvis are off rescuing Dottie, Frost and her goons are at Chez Stark kidnapping Jason. Ana Jarvis wheels a rifle at Frost and her courage just makes my heart ache because what happens next is so predictable. Ana is shot and Jarvis's world is turned upside down. He and Peggy arrive in time to take her to the hospital but we won't know about her condition until next week! (Amanda R.)

Arrow 4x14: Code of Silence

Ruve Adams (Darhk’s wife) and Oliver prepare to face off in a mayoral debate! But when they find out HIVE has wired the building to blow, they pause to kick a little henchmen butt first. The show spares us the actual debate, but Star City news declares Oliver the winner.

Meanwhile, Darhk’s teamed up with Malcolm Merlyn and is plotting against Captain Lance, who narrowly survives when HIVE rigs a building to fall down around him. Lance follows this to its logical conclusion by telling Donna he owes money to some gangsters, and that they should take a short break while he works it out. Wait, what? This sets off her finely tuned BS detector and she ends things with him entirely, saying she’d rather be alone than with another liar. Later, Felicity tries to convince her that she should give Lance the benefit of the doubt, that his lies are meant to protect, and that she’s being the problem by not trusting him implicitly. I just…wow. That’s some interesting feminism you got there, Felicity. Relatedly, Thea discovers Oliver’s been keeping his love child a secret, and gives him the permission he needs to keep Felicity in the dark about it, and I just can’t with this plotline.

Felicity and Ollie have an engagement party during which Lance starts truth telling and Donna forgives him on the spot. Also, Curtis shows up with a gift—tech that will possibly allow Felicity to walk again. Damn. The rest of the guests better up their gift game, stat. But it’s not all good news. Unbeknownst to our heroes, Darhk has kidnapped Oliver’s secret son. (Amanda K.)

Legends of Tomorrow 1x05: Fail-Safe

Prison break! This inside joke will never get old. Sara and Cold are sent to retrieve Stein, Ray and Mick from the gulag while Kendra and Jax are benched to keep them safe from Savage. Rip Hunter is still super annoying and I need the writers to fix this post haste kthxbye.

Ray is a human golden retriever and tries to make nice with the other men in the gulag. Oh Ray. You naive, sweet little cinnamon roll. Mick tries to tell him to keep his trap shut and ultimately leaves Ray in a battered heap in the yard after Ivan Drago beats seven colors of shite out of him.

Savage tortures Ray and Mick in order to get Stein to give up the Firestorm formula, and he finally caves. Ray distracts the guard hell bent on beating Mick with the classic "That's what your mom said last night" taunt, resulting in Ray taking a beating for Mick—because Ray Palmer is a REAL MAN.

Valentina manages to figure out that Stein is part of Firestorm after she sees the message carved into his arm via Jax. He tries to talk her down with talk of how the USSR crumbles in 1991 but this woman is drunk with power. She ignores his pleas of needing a quantum splicer and makes him merge with her as Firestorm. Gross.

Jax and Kendra convince Rip that they're better used in the game, and so Rip and Kendra distract Savage long enough for Jax to shut the power off at the prison. He then rescues Stein from Valentina with the power of an I Believe In You-pep talk and she goes cold nuclear. Cold rescues Mick and Mick rescues Ray. Aww. They all manage to escape and time warp their way out of Russia only to have Kronos (seriously, didn't that guy die in the last episode?) get all up in their business. They manage to shake him but his missile still blasts them into 2046—Star City to be exact (Smoak Industries WHAT IS UP), and they come face to face with … Connor Hawke?? (Amanda R.)

Hero of the Week: Heat Wave/Mick Rory, Legends of Tomorrow

This week’s Legends provided us the first opportunity to see Mick as something more than a beefcake (though we got a little of that, too—see Ab-tastic, below), when he put some feels into saving Ray from himself. In typical Ray-fashion, he fails to woo a lady and the pair land themselves in a Russian gulag. We see a little twinkle of affection when Mick tells Ray to cool it with trying to play nice  with other alpha inmates; Mick later tells Ray they’re not on the same team so there’s clearly still some conflict. Not one to let down his team, Ray takes a beating for Mick and the icy(?) parts of Mick’s heart start to melt. In their latest prison break, Snart admonishes Mick for rushing out of the gulag with Ray on his back and “risking his life for this idiot.” Aw, bromance! (Christy)

Honorary mentions: Earth-2 Barry and Killer Frost, The Flash; Ana Jarvis, Agent Carter; Curtis Holt, Arrow

Villain of the Week: Whitney Frost, Agent Carter

Is it wrong to cheer for a villain when she makes mincemeat out of those who would underestimate her? Use her and dispose of her? Good, because I did so much cheering for Whitney Frost this week. Don't get me wrong—she's as mad as a box of frogs but her misandry is so DELIGHTFUL. However, whoever breaks my Jarvis's heart is a bad, bad person indeed, and very deserving of Villain of the Week. (Amanda R.)

Honorary mentions: Dottie Underwood, Agent Carter; Ruve Adams (Darhk), Arrow; Zoom, The Flash; Valentina Vostock, Legends of Tomorrow

Comic Relief of the Week

GIF via harrisnwells.tumblr.com

Ab-tastic

Although the situation these abs find themselves in isn’t the nicest, we’ll take what we can get.

Biff! Bam! Pow!

GIFset via trish-jessica.tumblr.com

Pull List

Top Titles

Avengers Standoff: Welcome to Pleasant Hill #1 by Nick Spencer, with art by Mark Bagley

If you’re looking for an easy entry point to the Marvel Universe, this opening to their big spring event is your ticket in. Pleasant Hill is this year’s Pleasantville, where people take in strangers they found in the woods, everyone waves hello, and neighbors all know each other by name. But what do you really know about your neighbors? Full of twists, the two main characters will have you guessing till the end. (Christy)

Secret Six #11 by Gail Simone, with art by Dale Eaglesham

It's hard to pick a favorite out of the Secret Six (and Catman will always have a special place in my heart/pants) but I find myself drawn to Strix again and again. Honed as a weapon and treated as a machine her entire life she has the emotional reach of a child. She's deadly, yet innocent. And she's in danger. Batgirl tracks Catman (in a very hilarious sequence) to let them know that Strix is in danger. Meanwhile Strix is learning to love her whole self, scars and all, during a makeover with Porcelain. This series continues to hit all the right beats. (Amanda R.)

Superman: American Alien #4 by Max Landis, with art by Jae Lee

College-aged Clark is on a mission to make a name for himself and starts out by interviewing Lex Luthor before Lex Luthor is the man we know today. What Clark did not count on is running into so-to-be-Robin, Dick Grayson, who honed in on Superman while hanging out at Lexcorp Kidz-Zone and stirs up a bit of trouble for the burgeoning reporter. After spending the previous issue pretending to be Bruce Wayne, he runs into a familiar face and sets a precedent for the future world of superheroes we all know and love. If you’re not reading this miniseries chronicling life before Superman, head on down to your LCS and catch up. Next issue will surely keep us on our toes with Lois Lane on the trail! (Christy)

Honorable Mentions: Bitch Planet #7, Lumberjanes #23, Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10x24

Pick of the Week

Power Man and Iron Fist #1 by David Walker, with art by Sanford Greene

This is my first experience reading Danny Rand (Iron Fist) OR Luke Cage (Power Man) as a main character. Their dynamic is, frankly, adorable: Luke is the stoic, brawny, no nonsense-taking bulldog to Danny's excitable, yappy chihuahua. Luke promises Jessica that they're not "getting the band back together", they just need to do a favor for an old friend, but we all know how that goes. I like my comics with a lot of humor and heart, so this series is going straight to the top of my pull list! (Amanda R.)

As Seen in the Daily Planet

News

- Natalie Cordova-Buckley will join Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. as Slingshot.

- Turns out, the speedster in The Flash trailer from last week Trajectory.

- A DC relaunch is happening this summer.

- There will also be a DC Super League crossover event this spring.

- Vixen makes her debut on Arrow next week!

- Here’s a first look at Italia Ricci as Silver Banshee on Supergirl.

- Candice Patton dishes on the future of #WestAllen.

- Azreal will appear on Gotham, and the actor portraying the character is somewhat surprising.

- 2046’s Green Arrow rocks the Golden Goatee on next week’s Legends of Tomorrow.

- You might have caught some Easter eggs in Deadpool, but did you see all 100?

- Related: Wolverine 3 might be rated R after the success of Deadpool.

- DC has released a Suggested Reading Guide to prepare you for Suicide Squad.

Trailers/Clips

Daredevil, season 2

Gotham

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

There’s much to discuss! Let’s take it to the comments.

In case you missed the announcement, over the next few months, we’ll be running a Between Two Lockers special series featuring your fave FYA writers and contributors.

Brian has already done a B2L—in fact, his interview started the whole series! But since that post was more about him as an author, we wanted to give him another go as a member of the FYA crew.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

What’s your name?

Brian Katcher

Where are you from/located?

Missouri

What do you do when you’re not writing for FYA?

I write the occasional young adult book myself. My first book, Playing with Matches, won the 2011 North Carolina Young Adult Book Award. My second book, Almost Perfect, won the ALA's Stonewall Book Award for Young Adult Literature in 2011. My fourth book, The Improbable Theory of Ana and Zak, has been released in five languages. My third book, Everyone Dies in the End, still lives at home and plays video games all day.

When I'm not writing, I work as an elementary school librarian. I sometimes spend time with my wife, Sandy, and my daughter, Sophie, who is a budding evil genius.

What do you look like?

Where can you be found on the web?

Website, email, Twitter

THE ACTUAL YA-RELATED QUESTIONS

How long have you been writing for FYA, and how did you start writing for the site?

Since around 2012. They were one of the first to review Almost Perfect. Later, my family and I were lucky enough to meet Sarah and Jenny (who's no longer with FYA) when we visited Austin.

How did you come to read YA as an adult?

Pure necessity. When I was growing up, teenagers were not considered young adults but older children. The YA books of the time were either very fluffy or very preachy. Now I'm trying to make up for the great books I missed out on as a teen.

Why do you think YA is an important genre, for both actual Ys and those of us who are more A?

As a former junior high librarian, I know that teens are some of the pickiest readers in the world, and that's a good thing. No one should waste time on a book they don't enjoy. As for us older folk, it's nice to remember what it was like to be young, headstrong, and utterly clueless.

What are five of your favorite YA books?

Five Flavors of Dumb by Antony John
Geography Club by Brent Hartinger
A Blue So Dark by Holly Schindler
Love Drugged by James Klise
The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Do you have a favorite YA character or couple? If so, who are they, and why are they The Best?

Katniss and Peeta forever! Sometimes the girl does go for the shy, awkward guy.

THE YA QUESTIONS

If your real life adolescence was a YA book ... What would you, the main character, be like?

Exactly like Leon in Playing with Matches. I was funny, awkward, and terrified of girls.

Who is your secret crush?

Janine Melnitz, the Ghostbusters' secretary, especially the cartoon version.

What is your number #1 source of angst?

That Hollywood has never optioned any of my books, but paid good money to produce Dumb and Dumber To.

At what point would the reader pump his/her fist in victory?

When I was fifteen and got up the nerve to kiss that girl at the Key Club dance.

And who would play you in the film adaptation?

According to every single high school class that I've talked to ever, Zach Galifianakis.

THE SLUMBER PARTY QUESTIONS

What is your #1 favorite food?

Real Mexican tacos. The kind you can only get in Mexico, complete with the huge hunk of fly-covered beef hanging over an open flame.

Tell me about your area of expertise.

I can fix the computers at work, so I cannot be fired.

If you could assemble your own Ocean's 11 of fictional characters, who would you pick?

1. Lt. Milo Minderbinder (Catch-22) as the Money: The guy ran a trans-European business out of the mess office. He could could set us up with the cash/equipment.

2. Ex-PFC Wintergreen (Catch-22) as the Computer Guy: wrong era, but the guy secretly ran an airbase by diverting the mail. I think he could handle modern technology.

3. Chief Brombden (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) as the Inside Guy: Last guy you'd suspect. And nothing goes unnoticed like a seven-foot-tall Native American schizophrenic.

4. Katniss (The Hunger Games) as the Kid: When things fall apart, she'd be the one to keep her head.

5. The Terrible Old Man (The Terrible Old Man, H.P. Lovecraft) as the Decoy: Sure, he's 105 years old, but the last guys who crossed him ended up stomped to death by ghosts.

6. Dave Lister (Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers) as the Wheel Man: The guy drove a stolen taxi for months, I think he could drive the getaway car.

7. Colonel Aureliano Buendia (One Hundred Years of Solitude) as the Muscle: No one crosses the colonel.

8. Long Tom Roberts (Doc Savage adventures) as the Safecracker: Sure, this tech experience is 70 years out of date, but the man was the greatest electronics expert of the 1930s, he'll figure it out.

9. Shadow (American Gods) 10. and Julia (1984) as the Leaders: two of the most street savvy characters I've ever read.

11. Johnny (Johnny Got His Gun) as the acrobat. Sure, he's deaf, blind, mute and has not arms or legs, but I think he can handle it.

What is your best karaoke song?

“Indiana Wants Me”

Tell me something scandalous!

When I lived in Mexico, I lived platonically with two beautiful women, a la Three's Company. It's a lot more frustrating than you'd think.

What is your favorite adult beverage?

Coffee with whiskey in it.

What is the most crucial snack food and/or movie/or anything you'd bring to an FYA slumber party?

A book to read. I was always that guy.

What book have you read the most number of times?

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller.

YA authors are so cool. Who would you give a BFF charm to?

Gentlemen do not give BFF charms. A macho bump of the fist to my friend Antony John.

Out of all of the characters you’ve read, which one do you most wish you could be?

One of the Weasley twins.

AND NOW, MASH

Brian made three picks for each category, and I added a fourth. The magic number (chosen by a random number generator) was 3.

M A S H

SPOUSE

Neville Longbottom
Sandra Katcher
Moaning Myrtle
Molly Ringwald

HONEYMOON

Pachuca, Mexico
District 13
Arkham, MA
Detroit, MI

# OF KIDS

1
3
2
4

JOB

YA Author
School Librarian
Travel Writer
YA book blogger

INCOME

Paid in wishes
One dollar a book (wait a minute ...)
$40,000/yr, plus summers off
$19.95, and if you act now ...

HOMETOWN

St. Peters, MO
Colby, North Carolina
Innsmouth, MA
Bloom County

PET

A worthless, fat cat named Abby
A beagle named Snoopy, a mutt named Cocoa, and a three-legged Irish setter named Red (miss you friends)
A magical talking cat
A dead parrot

VEHICLE

An '85 Buick (my first car)
A 2002 Saturn (my current car)
A '69 VW Microbus
The Pig from The Raven Cycle

Do you have additional questions for Brian? Or maybe just want to comment on something particularly awesome that he said? Head to the comments!

The Road So Far

Hiya, superfans! Welcome back to the Supernatural rewatch project. This week we find out why Sam’s been acting so strangely all season and also discover that the show’s writers are definitely cat people.

THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME:

Take a drink every time:

•  There’s a corpse

•  A demon possesses/de-possesses and/or makes a deal with some hapless schmuck

•  Someone on the show takes a drink

•  Dean crams his face full of junk food

•  Anyone is tied up

•  Either brother picks a lock

•  Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias

•  The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty

6x7: Family Matters

Monster of the Week: Vampires/Crowley

Grandpa Samuel has a lead on the Alpha Vampire! He reluctantly allows Dean to help with the hunt, though it’s clear the two don’t trust each other. When it comes time for the job, Samuel leads Sam and a team of other hunters toward the big prize, leaving Dean to guard the rear. But our boy Dean can’t stay away from carnage and so he sneaks up on the main party, discovering Samuel captured the Alpha Vampire instead of killing it. Both Sam and Samuel lie to Dean, saying it’s dead.

Dean confronts Sam, saying that Gramps can’t be trusted and Sam has to choose between following the old man’s lead, or following his. Sam seemingly picks the former, saying he wants in on the interrogation of the captured Alphas. But Samuel’s not willing to let Sammy play with his toys. Good instincts on his part too, as Sam was acting under Dean’s orders.

The boys track Samuel to a warehouse where he’s interrogating the Alpha Vampire, who is delightfully deadpan and unbothered by any torture efforts. Samuel storms off and the monster calls to Dean and Sam, revealing 1) he was the very first vampire; 2) when monsters die, they go to Purgatory; and 3) Samuel is interrogating him to find Purgatory’s location at the behest of someone. Before he can say who, Samuel interrupts them. The Alpha escapes shortly thereafter, planning to turn Sam. But before he can, Crowley’s demons (who inhabit the bodies of the Campbell cousins) dose him with some dead man’s blood. As it turns out, Samuel has been working for Crowley, who wants to add “King of Pugatory” to his list of titles. Sam wants to put a bullet through his grandpa’s head, but Dean lets him go.

Heaven and Hell of it All: Dean brings Cas in to give Sam a (painful) physical exam to find out what the hell his deal is anyway. Sam reveals he no longer sleeps at all, and feels no emotion. Cas’s diagnosis? Sam’s soul is gone, and likely still trapped with Michael and Lucifer.

Later, Crowley reveals that he’s the one who pulled Sam out of hell and the only one who can get him his soul back. Unless they start working for him, he’ll put Sam back inside. The boys conference and decide they’ll play the demon’s game until they find just the right moment to stab him in the back.

Drink Count: 8 for corpses, Sam tied up, and a demon deal.

The Quotable Winchesters: “So what's so important that you're the king of Hell's cabana boy, huh? What'd he offer you? Girls, money? Hair?” –Dean, to poor, bald Samuel.

Most GIF-able moment:

Cas has learned sarcasm? *wipes tear* Our little angel’s growing up so fast!

Notable Cameos:

Rick Worthy, character actor extraordinaire, of properties like Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica and The Vampire Diaries plays the Alpha Vampire.

6x8: All Dogs Go to Heaven

Monster of the Week:  Skinwalkers

Crowley shows up to interrupt the Winchesters’ delicious BBQ lunch and orders them to bring him a werewolf that’s been terrorizing a nearby town. The cad! Still, he says if they do bag him an alpha, he’ll return Sam’s soul.

The boys zero in on their suspect pretty quickly—a man whose brother and landlord ended up dead. But that theory goes out the window when he gets mauled to death by a German shepherd. Things get even weirder when the dog turns into a human. He’s a skinwalker! After changing back into a dog, the skinwalker heads to the dead man’s home, snuggling up with his girlfriend, Mandy, and watching her take a shower. Making us doubt the loyalty of our faithful mutts? Too far, show. Too far.

Sam thinks Mandy is the baddie and almost convinces Dean to deliver her to Crowley, until he sees the family dog shapeshift into a scruffy looking man! The boys capture him and get him to spill—skin walkers are recruiting down-on-their-luck people, then ordering them to find families, and wait for the signal, at which point they’ll attack, turning them to more skinwalkers. The guy feels super guilty about all this, truly seeming to love his newfound family, and Dean uses this to get him on their side. The man arranges a meeting with the head skinwalker! Dean and Sam show up and murderize everyone.

Heaven and Hell of it All: Dean is pissed about Sam’s ambivalence about working for Crowley, and still doesn’t seem to trust him. Later, they argue when Dean wants to take down the bad guy to prevent a bunch of families from being turned into skinwalkers, and Sam would rather obey Crowley’s orders. Finally, Sam admits that he doesn’t care about anyone, including Dean, except for the fact that he needs his help. He’s not who he used to be, but he does want to be that person again. Dean says it’s a step.

Drink Count: 6 for as many corpses.

The Quotable Winchesters: “You need to stop thinking of this as some kind of deal. This is a hostage situation, you arrogant little thug. I own your brother! Do you understand me?” –Crowley, laying down the law.

Most GIF-able moment:

Soulless Sam finds the suspect’s dog nature oddly hilarious.

Notable Cameos:

Janet Kidder of Arrow and Continuum plays Mandy Duren

Aleks Paunovic of The 100, Continuum, and iZombie plays one of the skinwalkers

Next Week: Faith and beggorah! It’s feckin’ leprechauns.

BOOK REPORT for In the Fields and the Trenches: The Famous and Forgotten on the Battlefields of World War I

Cover Story: I've Had Worse...
Drinking Buddy: Whiskey, Straight Up
Testosterone/Estrogen Level: Lost Generation
Talky Talk: And We Won't Come Back 'Till It's Over Over There!
Bonus Factors: History
Bromance Status: In Flanders Field, The Poppies Blow

Cover Story: I've Had Worse

So that guy apparently took a bullet through his tin hat and is grinning about it. I wish they'd included his story here, though I'm sure his children ended up hearing it a thousand times.

The portraits are of Ernest Hemmingway, Eleanor Butler Roosevelt (daughter-in-law of Teddy), and...Buster Keaton?

The Deal:

Short biographies of World War I veterans: field medic Irene Curie (Marie's daughter), author J.R.R. Tolkien, comedian Buster Keaton, Teddy Roosevelt's children, writer Ernest Hemmingway, future president Harry Truman, baseball player Christy Mathewson, entertainer Elsie Jain, pilots Fredy Libby and Katherine Stinson, and a couple of nobodies named Henry Lincoln Johnson and Walter Koessler who found their glory during the war.

Drinking Buddy: Whiskey, Straight Up

For millions of young Englishmen, Americans, Germans, etc, participation in the war was not only mandatory, but a jolly good patriotic duty. It was only when they were fending off rats in the trenches and experiencing mustard gas first hand, did they realize that the recruiters might have exaggerated the glory of war just a smidge.

And this was truly a war that crossed the social lines. There were poor farm boys like Harry Truman, wealthy academics like J.R.R. Tolkien, and the four sons of Teddy Roosevelt (his beloved son Quentin died in war when his plane was shot down).

It was nice to see the human side of the war, through the eyes of the not yet famous. Except for Hemmingway. He was kind of a dick.

Testosterone/Estrogen Level: Lost Generation

I was shamed by the pure hairy-chested, beer can crushing, hard drinking ultra-macho stories of these heroes...and that was just the women. Seriously. While they were barred from combat roles (my, how times have changed), they still managed to impress. Like Irene Curie, who trucked a clunky, old timey X-ray machine to field hospitals, saving countless lives. Or barnstorming aviatrix Katherine Stinson, who raised money for the war effort with her death-defying flying stunts (less than fifteen years after the Wright Brothers first flew).

And then there's Henry Lincoln Johnson, who killed or wounded over twenty Germans when they attacked his trench in the dark (but still had to sit at the back of the bus in the US). Or Christy Mathewson, who went from the baseball diamond to working with chemical weapons. The Roosevelt boys, who all fought in the Great War, and the survivors who fought in the next one. Cowboy Freddy Libby who went from the Wester oil fields to being a gunner in the RAF. Walter Koessler, who died in obscurity, but whose photographs of the war live on.

Talky Talk: And We Won't Come Back 'Till It's Over Over There!

World War I is kind of a forgotten war. All the veterans are gone and the justification was strained, at best. Along with the War of 1812, it's kind of gotten swept into the dustbin of history.

But this was the first modern war. The first war fought with airplanes, tanks, and poison gas. The first time radio and telephone technology played a role. The last war with horses.

This book does a good job of explaining the causes of the war, as well as putting a human face on those who fought in it. It's simple enough for young people to not feel overwhelmed, but interesting enough to keep a wider audience interested.

Bonus Factors: History

So why did this war happen? Yes, some archduke was shot, but what of it? This book does a good job of explaining things:

Archduke Ferdinan was assassinated by a Serbian nationalist. Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia. Russia declared war on Austria-Hungary to defend their ally, Serbia. Germany declared war on Russia, to defend their ally, Austria-Hungary, as well as on Russia's ally, France. While attacking France, the Germans rolled through neutral Belgium, brining their ally, The British Empire (including Australia, Canada, New Zealand, South Africa, Ireland and India), into the fray. Japan, eager to expand their influence in China, allied with the British. Italy, allied with Germany, secretly formed an alliance with England while invading neautral Greece, who in turned invaded Albania. Bulgaria threw in with Germany, as did The Ottoman Empire (Turkey), eager to recoup territory lost to Russia, spreading the war into the Middle East. Romania joined the allies in an attempt to seize Translyvania back from Austria-Hungary. Portugal clashed with Germany in their African colonies. Later, Germany's unrestricted submarine warfare, along with their attempt to form an alliance with Mexico, caused The United States to join the allies.

Thanks for nothing, Gavrilo Princip.

Bromance Status: In Flanders Field, The Poppies Blow

The war has been over for nearly a century, and we lost the last vererans a few years ago. But we won't forget the millions of dead, and we won't make these mistakes again.

Oh, wait...

Full disclosure: I received a free copy of this book from Chicago Review Press. No money liberty cabbage, though.

This month, members of the FYA Book Club are feeling like queens for a day thanks to The Royal We. Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan, the architects of this fabulous romp, met us in the hallway of FYA HQ to share some insight on their novel and indulge in some scintillating girl talk.

THE ACTUALLY RELATED TO THE BOOK QUESTIONS:

Even though life in the spotlight can be rough, Bex gets to experience some things that made us waaaaay jealous. What were your favorite scenes to write in terms of living vicariously through your heroine? And were there any real-life events or scenarios that you knew you had to include, because they're just too fabulous?

JESSICA: I think, for us, we were really lucky in that William and Kate's actual romance had a lot of fun signposts that we could borrow for The Royal We. But for me, it wasn't as much events as it was PLACES that I really wanted to write about. (For so much of the book, Bex isn't a public part of Nick's life, so we didn't get to do anything like send them to Trooping the Colour, or any of the really classic Royals Events, which would certainly be fun to write about.) There were so many settings in the UK that we wanted to include, from Oxford, where they met and fall and love, to Windsor Castle, to Buckingham Palace, all of which we visited. It was really hard not to set basically every scene in a different royal residence, just because it's so fun for me to imagine and research those interiors. And we did a lot of research -- I have books with blueprints of basically every palace we use in the book because we wanted to make sure we got all the details right, and so we could check the notes we took after our research trip. But in terms of scenarios I love to write, I love all the fight scenes, the angst-y breakups and make-ups -- all the emotional stuff. Which, of course, is all made up, because...as we say in the book, who can truly know the truth of a relationship beyond the two people who are in it?

HEATHER: I also enjoy all the dramatic stuff -- I love to twist the knife. And the whole Oxford section was fun, because we got to immerse ourselves in this really pure affection and attraction as it grew into something unexpected. That part was just the story of two people finding each other, and it was the foundation for all the rest of it, so getting it down and finishing it and feeling like I was TOTALLY rooting for them was satisfying. It's like building a house, and being kind of stressy until that foundation is laid and you can sit back and think, "Okay, this is good, I like this house, it's going to work." And I know this from my extensive experience doing absolutely no house-building.

Your portrayal of the press, while delivered with a sense of humor, is a pretty unflinching look at how the media scrutinizes celebrities and sells gossip. As fashion critics and members of the online media, how do you balance your goal to entertain with a respect for the people you're discussing?

JESSICA: Yes, someone else writing about the book noted that it was, in many ways, as if we had made ourselves the villains of the piece. I liked that assessment of it. I think it’s a fine line, and I’m sure I’ve crossed it before and I will do again, unintentionally. For us, it’s not as difficult as it might be for others, because our beat is people’s clothing, not their personal lives. (In general, I think celebrities are probably less irked by people critiquing their pants, than they are by people trying to ferret out the intimate details of their marriage, for example. Although Bex isn’t wild about the blogs that critique her clothing, either -- and I think that’s only human of her, too.) I think, for us... you know, we try to be fair. We try to focus on the clothes, and what the clothes are saying about the celebrity who is wearing them, because so many celebrities (including the royal family) use public appearances to brand themselves, and those decisions are often made with a whole team of people. We try to ask, “What’s the celebrity trying to tell the public, and did they do it successfully?” (But sometimes, we just ask, “Dude, what are you thinking?!”) I think GFY in general tries to be a place that’s respectful and thoughtful, even if it’s not always positive, it that makes sense?

HEATHER: GFY does talk about all that other stuff, too, though. We're an informally gossipy site. Our beat is the clothes, but as Jess said, a celebrity’s image is just as much a part of their brand as their outfits; sometimes those things are curated carefully together, and sometimes life gets in the way and intrudes on what they’re trying to sell, and that's often a relevant-feeling discussion too. Of course, sometimes it's just frivolous, like whether Josh Jackson and Diane Kruger were together or apart. Seeing pictures of them was a popular thing on GFY, and so addressing the rumors felt relevant to our collective interpretation of their narrative. But sometimes, like with Gwen Stefani's or Miranda Lambert's post-divorce wardrobes, it's on-topic to project a little intent (and feelings) onto what they're wearing. Likewise, we’ll chat about how famous people are promoting a given project -- absently, overexcitedly, boredly -- and what that might mean. We also like to imagine dialogues sometimes. That’s all just fanciful, as are the affectionate digressions in the royals posts. We do TRY to pin them to the topic at hand; maybe we don’t always succeed, though, or maybe we even say, “This is gratuitous but can we please talk about the rumors that XYZ”? Honestly, in most cases, I don’t feel too bad discussing the public image stuff because the longer you study Hollywood, the more you realize just how many strings are being pulled even when it seems insane that it would be happening. But we do try to be respectful. We’ve tried to cut down on pregnancy speculation, for example, because even though our INTENTIONS are good -- we love babies, pregnancy is a happy thing for most couples, we like it when hot people procreate -- it is a very personal thing, and even good intentions can yield a bad result. You just don’t know what’s going on with a person or their body. Most women get those 12 weeks of privacy before they pass that particular miscarriage milestone, and of course celebrities should get that, too. And I also understand why a famous woman would think, “Dude, can I not just eat a cheeseburger without everyone telling me I look knocked up?!?” Bodies get bloated for a hundred reasons you cannot control. As Jess said, we’re going to mess up and cross the line, but we do our best. We sincerely do.

Okay, but seriously, are Josh and Diane really broken up because I CAN'T.

Many of the royals in this book seem to be inspired by the British monarchy, which you have followed and written about for years. When crafting your characters, were there certain traits you knew you wanted to include, i.e. specific characteristics that make the royals so compelling in real life?

JESSICA: Not as much as you might think -- I mean, for one thing, those characteristics are, to a certain extent, things we the public have projected onto the Royal Family, because we DON’T actually know them. But we did want to have, obviously, the charming rogue of a young brother -- we’d have invented Freddie, if there hadn’t been a Prince Harry to base him on (roughly). And I think that the Charles and Diana story -- the fairytale wedding that wasn’t a fairytale marriage -- makes people feel invested in and sympathetic towards Wills and Harry’s happiness, and it’s also very soap operatic. As you know, we didn’t handle that as it unfurled in real life, but obviously that was highly influential in how we created Nick’s and Freddie’s nuclear family, or lack thereof. 

HEATHER: We can’t escape that this book is based on the courtship and marriage of two real people. But it was essential that we get readers to believe in, and invest in, our two fictional versions of them. So if we threw in a bunch of cutesy, winky replicas of the actual royal family, it would take readers out of the story too often. We didn’t want people to be putting down the book every ten seconds and going, “Ooh, is that the Fergie character?” Or, “Oooh, is that Cressida Bonas?” The more you take people out, the less engaged they naturally are. We wanted people, by the end, to think of Will and Kate as being sorta like Bex and Nick rather than the other way around. That said, we did borrow a couple traits. Prince Edwin encompasses both Andrew’s and Edward’s pasts or traits at times, for example. Mostly the dumb stuff. Because that’s the fun stuff.

As her relationship with the prince becomes more public, Bex faces some harsh fashion judgement from the press. Looking back at your own college style, what do you think the paparazzi would say about your wardrobe and hair choices?

JESSICA: They would have been perfectly horrified by everything I ever did. The mid-90s were a dark time for fashion.

HEATHER: Right? I’m sure the paps NOW would be like, “What a lazy fool -- did she even OWN any accessories? Why are those jeans so shapeless?” But the paps then would have been like, “Just another girl in a flannel shirt in a midwestern winter.” I tend to think, within reason, everyone gets a pass for what they did the first time around. But Jess and I were just discussing how velvet chokers are starting to come back, and it’s like, “No. I did that once. Never again.” If I started copying right NOW everything I did in the 90s, THEN I think it’s super worthy of a side-eye, but looking back at those pictures I think, “Well, I was a teenager, and it was The Time, and I didn’t know any better.” Having said that, there is no excuse for all these damned naked dresses. I don’t care if it’s the first time you’ve done that, Young Celebrity. You should ALWAYS know better than a naked dress.

I am so with you on banning velvet chokers from EVER happening again.

Please tell us that Kate Middleton has read this book and somehow, she passed along word to you (via fancy royal stationary?) that she loved it.

JESSICA: IF ONLY! This is clearly our great dream. Wait, no. Our actual great dream is for her to go outside holding the book, with the title clearly visible. PLEASE DO THAT, KATE.

HEATHER: I feel like she would never publicly admit that, nor privately admit it in print. I’ve decided if she ever were to read it and want to tell us she liked it, we’d get a message someday from a dude in a trench and sunglasses who just said something like, “The gryphon only drinks blood when it rains,” and then leave, and we’d have to figure out that it was a coded message from Kate that meant, “Loved the book, and you’re right, Harry IS in love with me.”

Photo Credit: Kim Fox

THE YA QUESTIONS:

If your real life adolescence was a YA book…

What would you, the main character, be like?

JESSICA:  I would be the somewhat controlling co-president of the drama club.

HEATHER: I would be the insecure one who was too shy to be herself in front of anyone -- especially boys -- except her closest friends and/or guys to whom she was not attracted.

Who is your secret crush?

JESSICA: I went to an all girls school, so my adolescence was tragically widely secret crush-less (although I often tagged along with my best friend to her church group, despite being not particularly religious, to meet boys and had a secret crush on a different one of them every six weeks or so). I was also madly in love with Special Agent Dale Cooper, but that was no secret.

HEATHER: I’m sure it’s the jock who doesn’t know I’m alive, to whom I have never said more than one or two words. Both of which were lame.

What is your number #1 source of angst?

JESSICA: Sometimes, when you go to an all girls school, you spend a lot of time worrying about who the hell you’re going to go to prom with. (I ended up going with an awesome dude who I met at my BBF’s church group, and had a great time. Thanks, God!)

HEATHER: Said inability to form complete sentences in front of cute boys, and thus, never properly conveying my personality. Worrying that the day Cute Boy realizes I’m actually funny and worth hanging out with is never going to come because I am TOO LAME FOR WORDS. Etc.

At what point would the reader pump his/her fist in victory?

JESSICA: I don’t know about the reader, but I personally pumped my own fist in victory when I played the role of Dylan McKay in my senior skit day play, in a Beverly Hills, 90212 parody I wrote with a friend. And I did so because I literally wrote in a fist pump of victory for McKay (it was part of a very lengthy high-five routine with the girl who played Brandon). It counts!

HEATHER: Hopefully the part where I relax and successfully inhabit my own skin. Also the kissing.

Definitely the kissing.

And who would play you in the film adaptation?

JESSICA: When Juno was in theaters, I had a real estate agent tell me that I look like “Ellen Page, except with way more gray hair.”

HEATHER: Back in the day, I would have hoped for Reese Witherspoon. Five years ago, I would have said Emma Stone. Now... well, actually, I would hope for a time machine to make Emma Stone or Shailene Woodley do it, because I don’t think we have an up and coming age-appropriate new version of them yet.

THE SLUMBER PARTY Qs:

What is your secret power?

JESSICA: I can fit my fist into my mouth. But I don’t do that in public anymore.

HEATHER: I can flare my nostrils very very quickly. I am also an excellent recorder player. Neither of these are as secret as they probably should be.

Plz send video.

What is your #1 favorite food?

JESSICA: I really love food, so this is a difficult question for me. I think I’m going to have to go with the mighty burrito, though. I love Mexican food.

HEATHER: Sandwiches made from Thanksgiving dinner leftovers. Yes, I put stuffing and mashed potatoes on bread (which, in the case of my biscuit stuffing, is essentially bread-on-bread). Don’t knock it until you try it, because it’s transportive.

Tell me about your area of expertise.

JESSICA: I’m pretty good at identifying random C-list celebrities when I see them in the wild, which is actually a skill that’s useful for my job. I also know a lot about royal logistics, and the OJ Simpson trial. I’m also great at enabling other people’s purchases.

HEATHER: I’m a very good mimic of people’s voices and accents. I’m not an impressionist -- I don’t like to do it on cue, because there is nothing worse than, “DO YOUR JOAN RIVERS IMITATION COME ON IT’S SO GOOD DO IT,” and then you open your mouth and it’s not right -- but if I’m doing it in the flow of a story or a conversation, it tends to come out pretty correctly. I am an accomplished speller, too, I guess. Most of the time. And I’m useful with a Nintendo Wii.

If you could assemble your own Ocean’s 11 of fictional characters, who would you pick and why?

JESSICA: Is this to actually pull off a heist? Or just to hang out with? Because those are two different skill sets! I’m going to answer this for a heist: Elizabeth Bennet, because she’d be fun to strategize with. Hermione Granger, of course, because she’ll be useful, if also possibly disapproving (depending on what we’re stealing). Neville Longbottom, because he grew up so hot AND he’s brave, which is a good combo. Gatsby, to bankroll our scheme (he can’t get mad at us for pulling a con; look at your own life, Jay!).  Blair Waldorf, because I am dying to see how she and Lizzy Bennet get along. Laurie from Little Women, because I plan to steal him from Amy freaking March once and for all (SHE DESERVES IT). Mark Darcy from Bridget Jones, because he’s hot and sensible, and I think Bennet will (clearly) like him. Trixie Belden, because she’s spunky and can save me if I get bit by a snake somehow during this heist. Empire’s Cookie Lyon, because I feel like that woman can teach me a lot about a variety of things, primarily among them general awesomeness. And, finally, Brad Pitt’s actual Ocean’s 11 character, because he knows his way around a heist, and he’ll have snacks.

HEATHER: I am confident I cannot answer that question any better than Jessica did. Maybe I’ll pick a Dirty Dozen-style gang of evils. Papa Pope and Sally Langston from Scandal.  He would annoy everyone with his CONSTANT NEVERENDING SPEECHES, and she would entertain us all with her insane over-the-top rants, but a) they’re also both decent evil strategists, b) the constant yammering will help get the group riled up, and c) they can just turn on each other when we’re sick of them yapping. The Six-Fingered Man from The Princess Bride. Dottie Underwood from TV’s Agent Carter, because she is ruthless and competent but also has great taste in clothes and lipstick, and I could learn from that. The White Witch, from the Narnia series, who was played by Tilda Swinton in the movie and I just want an excuse to roll with her. Miss Hannigan, because she knows how to make bathtub gin and is my path to Carol Burnett. Acheron and Aornis Hades from Jasper Fforde’s Thursday Next series, for their supernatural abilities and also how they’re real petty, which is handy for any group of villains. Hans Gruber, so that Alan Rickman can be with us always. Ursula the Sea Witch, because obviously. And Voldemort, because REALLY obviously, and he and Ursula might make a cute couple.

What is your best karaoke song?

JESSICA: I used to do an excellent “I Got You, Babe,” but I really REALLY really should never sing in public.

HEATHER: In high school it was “Eternal Flame,” by the Bangles.

Tell me something scandalous!

JESSICA: I sincerely have no scandals to tell!

HEATHER: I have never seen an episode of “The Brady Bunch.”

What is your favorite adult beverage?

JESSICA: Champagne

HEATHER: Diet Coke. I count this because kids, you should not be drinking Diet Coke. It’s real bad for you. (I love you Diet Coke. Never leave me.)

Jessica, I think you're my soul twin.

What book have you read the most number of times?

JESSICA: Probably Harry Potters 4-7.

HEATHER: Either the HP books or The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde. Which someone just asked me to describe, as a recommendation, and I did THE ABSOLUTE WORST JOB, so I obviously need to read it again.

Who is your “freebie”?

JESSICA: As a single woman, EVERYONE IS MY FREEBIE. It’s great! (If I have to pick just one, though, I think Chris Evans?)

HEATHER: Roger Federer. (This is news to my husband, though, as we have never had this conversation.)

YA authors are so cool. Who would you give a BFF charm to?

JESSICA: It’s hard to choose! I know so many wonderful YA authors. THE ROYAL WE is an adult book, but given that Heather and I have written two YA books together, I obviously am going to give a BFF charm to her.

HEATHER: Yes, I can’t be giving away pieces of my heart to anyone else.

Out of all of the characters you’ve written, which one do you most wish you could be?

JESSICA: I thought about this a lot, and I think I want to be Cilla, from The Royal We.  She has a loving and extremely interesting family, she’s best friends with (and works for) Bex and so she gets a front row seat to all the royal events and shenanigans, but none of the criticism, and she has a spouse who is crazy in love with her, and she didn’t have to go through hell and back to make their relationship work.

HEATHER: I might want to be Molly from Spoiled and Messy, just because it’d be fun to go back and do high school with a crazy-ass half-sister who is the equivalent of a fraternal twin, and a great boyfriend. But right now, sitting in a hotel room in the middle of a week of travel in which I have eaten terribly AND having just polished off a massive bagel and cream cheese, I might pick Bex. I will take that criticism in exchange for a chef and personal trainer.

If you were invited to the FYA slumber party (and obvs, you ARE), what pajamas would you wear, and what is the most crucial snack food and/or movie you’d bring?

JESSICA: It’s not a slumber party without Doritos, is my most dearly held principle, so I will bring a VARIETY of them. As for jammies, if it’s a slumber party, I want to do it up right, so my retro, monogrammed J Crew men’s style ones.

HEATHER: I’d be in plaid PJ pants and a Notre Dame t-shirt and my Ugg boots, which are basically my slippers. I would bring a copy of Soapdish and When Harry Met Sally and Center Stage, and chips and dip.

And now, a lively round of MASH!
As always, our subjects have supplied three responses for each category, to which we've added a fourth... less optimal option.

Jessica: MASH

Heather: MASH

SPOUSE

Jessica: Michel from Gilmore Girls, Chris Evans, Stephen Colbert, Prince Harry

Heather: Kirk from Gilmore Girls, Roger Federer, Stephen Colbert, Lin-Manuel Miranda

HONEYMOON

Jessica: Molasses Swamp, Paris, Hawaii, the moon (I always like to throw a wacky one into a game of MASH)

Heather: Fire Swamp, Iceland, Easter Island (my sister went there on hers and it looks AWESOME), Italy

# OF KIDS

Jessica: 10, 1, 3, 15

Heather: Triplets, 1, 2, 3 (I have but one birth canal and I refuse to go any higher)

JOB

Jessica: Skymall model, tightrope walker, President of the United States, candy inventor

Heather: Perm chemist, Creator of paint names, travel writer, opera singer

INCOME

Jessica: 100 lbs of glitter, $0, $10,000,000, paid only in candy

Heather: A thousand Mardi Gras beads, A million, a trillion, a bajillion (I am going to be REALLY GOOD at naming paint you guys)

HOMETOWN

Jessica: Roswell, London, Los Angeles, the bottom of the ocean

Heather: Area 51, London, New York, that place in Wales that’s impossible to pronounce

PET

Jessica: 101 dalmations, dog, tiger, a herd of goats

Heather: gargoyle, elephant who is being properly cared for in a sanctuary but whom I get to bathe occasionally on visits; rock; none

CAR

Jessica: Wienermobile, A Prius, a time-traveling DeLorean, a covered wagon

Heather: minivan, police cruiser, English taxi cab, Ghostbusters car

Welcome back to YA Onscreen! Let's hop to. 

Katie Cotugno's juicy YA romance 99 Days is going to be a half-hour comedy on MTV, produced by Gossip Girl's Alloy Entertainment. Alloy's Lila Feinberg will write the adaptation and Leslie Morgenstein and Gina Girolamo will produce. Here's a little more about 99 Days, which makes for a very fun read: 

The book centers on Molly Barlow, who’s facing one long, hot summer – 99 days — with the boy whose heart she broke and the boy she broke it for … his brother.

And you can read the FYA review here.

The Gilmore Girls news just keeps on coming, and coming, and coming! Here's a roundup of everything we knew as of last week, but we have a little more scoop now:

Paul Anka returns! Oldest dog in the world.

Jackson will be involved, which is especially weird considering the Sookie absence. Is she on a chef foreign exchange program of some sort?

Maybe in England? This Vulture roundup has all sorts of new details, including lots of townies we're happy to hear are involved! Guys, I'm starting to think Luke and Lorelai aren't together...

Follow the FYA Gilmore Girls Rewatch Project here.

Emily Blunt may be Mary Poppins in a new live-action film! That is PERFECT.

Pete's Dragon has released its first teaser: 

American Crime's Taylor John Smith will play the lead, Bash Casey, in the Cruel Intentions sequel series.

And Mulder and Scully are going YA in a new X-Files book series.

That's it for this week! Hit us up with your thoughts downstairs.

We made it to the end, my Phellow X-Philes! Unfortunately, we now have even more questions than we started with, and a significant lack of Mulder-Scully makeout scenes. Time to dust off that old fanfic, friends.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES

Last week, we were introduced to Einstein and Miller, a couple of youngester FBI agents with striking resemblances to our beloved Scully and Mulder. They were called in to help Scully and Mulder solve a case in which a couple of Muslim men blew up an art gallery (cringe), so Mulder decided to drop acid (double cringe) to communicate with one of the comatose suspects. Read the whole recap here. Before that, though, the X-Files were reopened after 14 years when a talking head conspiracy theorist named Tad O'Malley took them to meet Sveta, an abductee who claimed that a group of government men impregnated her then took her babies. Mulder formulates a theory that all nine seasons of The X-Files were for naught, and that it wasn't aliens who were instigating a global takeover, but rather a group of One Percenter government types who planned to kill literally everyone except a chosen few. Read more about that here.

THIS WEEK'S CASE FILE

(Ouch That's) Cold Open

This week’s cold open mimics that of My Struggle, only this time it’s Scully who tells us her background with the X-Files. She was assigned to debunk Spooky Mulder’s sci-fi fantasies, but quickly realized that maybe Spooky wasn’t so cuckoo after all. What they thought were forces from outer space turned out to be forces from within the bureau, and her work threatened to expose them, so they in turn threatened her. She was abducted and returned, given a mysterious life-threatening disease then given its equally mysterious cure. She suspects that all of this was at the hands of a group of government men, and she wants to know who they are and what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks they did to her DNA.

X-Files: This is the end.

Viewers: Awwwww.

X-Files: ....Or is it?

Viewers: Oooohhhh!

This is Definitely How DNA Works

Scully arrives to a Mulder-less office and finds Tad O’Malley's Click Bait Truth Squad back on the air. He was pulled off the air against his will but now he's back, AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! Turns out virtually every America citizen has alien DNA all up in them. As Scully watches, Tad calls her and tells her to get to Mulder's apartment ASAP. He and Tad were supposed to have a man-date to talk about alien stuff, but when Tad showed up, all he found was a totally wrecked, empty apartment. Scully calls the cops, then meets Einstein at Our Lady of the Sorrows hospital. The place is swarming with sick people already, including a military man covered in gross pustules. Scully decides to draw some of Einstein's blood to see if she has the same anomaly that Scully does, despite Einstein's insistance that she is alien DNA-free. "Have you sequenced your genome lately?" Scully asks. "Yeah, I didn't think so, now shut up and give me yo bloods." Scully believes Tad, and fears that the alien DNA was given to each of them when they received their smallpox vaccine. 

"Well, I think you're a lil bitch."

Tad's on TV again (How many hours a day do they broadcast this guy?) saying that whatever contagion is going around, the idea is to kill off our immune systems, then we all end up dying of random viral illnesses like bird flu or West Nile or ebola or whatever. Scully remembers the military man she saw earlier, and tells Einstein he needs doses of intravenous something something, because Anthrax! And the Military! And Global Contagion! (There was a lot of nonsense fast talking, just go with it.) While Scully and Einstein argue about all of this, Scully gets a call from a woman who says she has information that may help.

The Chosen One (Percent)

Scully meets the mystery woman in the park and WHALE HELLO THERE, it's Monica Reyes. Reyes flashes back to ten years ago when she was still with the FBI. She was summoned by none other than the Cigarette Smoking Man a.k.a. C.G.B. Spender, known most affectionately around these parts as DNGAF Spender. He'd been burned all to hell and was basically a gooey, disgusting mess of a person, but he was coherent enough to make Reyes an offer she couldn't refuse. 

That's cool bro, just, like, don't touch me.

If she helps him, he'll spare her life and make her one of the Chosen Ones. If she doesn't help him, well, he'll kill everyone on earth! And so, we see DNGAF sitting on his couch back in the first episode of the season, and the hand that gives him a cigarette belongs to none other than Reyes. She might've taken him up on his offer but she is NOT happy about it. She tells him he will die a lonely old man, and DNGAF just laughs. "Not anymore, baby. Not while I have you to light my smokes." ::shudder:: And so, Reyes gives Scully the intel she needs: Scully's alien DNA isn't what's killing everyone on earth, it's what the chosen ones have that will KEEP them from dying with everyone on earth. Scully is one of the chosen ones. 

But what about Mulder? WELL. DNGAF actually sent a man to fetch Mulder, to offer him some of this life-saving alien DNA, but when the guy showed up at Mulder's apartment, Mulder assumed he was there to kill him. And really, can we blame him at this point? Mulder fought the guy until he was able to get a gun in his face and ask, "Who sent you?"

The viewers vs. Chris Carter: Round One

Throughout the episode, we've seen glimpses of Mulder driving somewhere, face punched to oblivion and shady-buttoning calls from Skinner and Scully. And now, we see where he was heading, because he appears in DNGAF's living room and holds a gun to his head. "You sent for me. I'm here," he says. DNGAF is like "Dude, I've literally always controlled you so just chillax. Are we killing humans? Yes. But haven't humans always been killing themselves? Think about it: global warming, wildlife dying off. Watch the History Channel a minute. We're not doing anything humans weren't already doing to themselves. We're just speeding the process up a bit." Mulder is looking hella feverish, and DNGAF offers to give him the alien DNA and make him one of those Chosen Ones, but Mulder knows he couldn't live with himself if he let that happen. He collapses on the floor, and DNGAF takes his mask off to reveal HIS HORRIBLE NO-NOSED FACE. Mulder's like, "LOL I wish Scully was here to see that ugly mug," then passes out. 

Scully's Easy Bake DNA Oven

With the intel from Reyes, Scully rushes back to Our Lady of the Sorrows to find Einstein and use her own alien DNA to create a vaccine for what they're calling the Spartan virus. Yes, I accept, inject me with Scully's DNA so I too can be a hot 50-year-old. She draws some of her blood and two minutes later, she's pulling a DNA cake out of the oven. But alas! No alien DNA to be found! Her nurse shows up looking haggard and says that now, even the doctors are getting sick. Einstein has the idea to take a bigger sample - the Chosen One Percent must've known someone would try to find a cure, so they made it difficult to detect. Another blood sample, another DNA cake and BAM: there it is. Like a little blue plus sign. Congrats Scully! It's Alien DNA! Unfortunately, Einstein doesn't feel like celebrating and collapses from her own illness.

Miller, who has been mostly useless this episode, pokes around on Mulder's computer and finds one of those Find Your Phone apps right there on the desktop, so he's able to track Mulder's phone to Spartanburg, S.C. He appears in DNGAF's house and wakes Mulder up, getting him out of there and back to Scully in record speed. He calls Scully to let her know they're on their way, but Mulder doesn't have much time. Scully hooks Einstein up to this miracle cure IV and heads out of town to meet Miller and Mulder with the cure.

Us, when we realize there are only three minutes left of this episode.

People are rioting in the streets, lines of communication are being cut, and Scully has to manuever her Totally Rad Ford SUV around cars stopped in the streets. She's finally able to get out of town and meet Miller on a bridge, but Mulder's sick. Like, more sick than even the miracle cure can save. He needs stem cells. Scully tells Miller than she and Mulder have an alien DNA-positive child together, so Miller's like "Sweet, I'll fetch him? Where to?" Heavy with sadness, Scully explains that they don't know where he is. 

Suddenly, they're captured in a green beam of light! A ship hovers over them! The camera zooms in closer and closer on Scully's face as she looks up at it.

AND SCENE.

BIGGEST COVERUP

THAT ENDING THO. Now what? Did Scully get abducted? Will it blow them all up? Did any of you think they would leave us with an insane cliffhanger like that???

WORST KEPT SECRET

Of course Fox "TrustNo1" Mulder would keep a Find My Phone app on his desktop. What a dad thing to do.

MONSTER OF THE WEEK

DNGAF, please put your fake face back on. We have company.

THIS WEEK'S TOP RANKING AGENT

Props to Scully's ability to just whip up quick batches of DNA cookies for all the world to eat. This episode pretty much hinged on her being able to do some fancy lab work in an unbelievably short amount of time.

THIS WEEK'S LOSER-HUMAN HYBRID

Poor one out for Monica "Whale Song" Reyes, whose feminine phalanges have spent the last ten years with the undesirable job of inserting cigarettes into DNGAF's stoma.

FROM THE BUREAU SURVAILLANCE FILES

Einstein: “No one has the right to tamper with your DNA.”
Scully: “Unless we gave them that ability.”

Mulder: “I don’t believe you.”
DNGAF: “You don’t want to believe.”

UNSOLVED CASES

- UM ALL OF THEM? Literally. All. Of. Them.

- I guess the most important lingering question, however, is will we get a season 11? Will it be longer the six episodes? And Lord help us, will it star Scully and Mulder isntead of Einstein and Miller? Discuss.

All GIFs via Giphy. 

BOOK REPORT for Revenge and the Wild by Michelle Modesto

Cover Story: Picture to Burn
BFF Charm: Platinum Edition
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: Worlds Colliding
Bonus Factors: Cannibals, Prostheses
Relationship Status: Dating Outside of Comfort Zone -- and Succeeding

Y'all, there is A LOT going on in this book -- Cannibals! Inventions! Monsters! -- and yet it all works really well together. Read the full book report over at our series on Kirkus!