It's FINALLY feeling like fall here in Texas*, and I'm basking in the ability to wear boots, scarves, and sweatshirts. What are your favorite things about fall?

As always, feel free to chat about anything you like!

*For, like, three days ...

When I reviewed Rebecca Serle's book Famous in Love back in 2014, I wrote the following about the book's swoon:

Glory be, this book made me perspire with its hotness! Serle excellently balances the slow burn and the quick burn, giving us both tantalizing tension and heart-racing action (and I mean action).

And there was one scene in particular, involving Paige, Jordan and a beach cabana in the rain, that particularly contributed to my heart palpitations. So when Rebecca contacted me and asked if we wanted to publish that scene, rewritten from Jordan's perspective, I was like HELL to the YES GIRL LIKE YOU HAD TO ASK.

I know it's November, but your Friday is about to heat up, y'all! Enjooooooy:

I see her down the beach, her bright blue windbreaker like a neon lighthouse. “Paige!” I call. She doesn’t hear me. Between the crashing of the waves and the wind, I’m not surprised. I start towards her, and then stop. I want to see her. My whole body pulsates with that want. When we’re together, it’s torturous, which is why I try and avoid her when we’re not working. But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes, like now, the sheer pull of her is too strong. The want is so big I can’t handle it. To talk to her, make her laugh. And, yeah, touch her. I would give my right arm to be able to just hold her for five fucking minutes.

But I can’t. She’s with him. Rainer. I remind myself of this like it’s my mantra.

But he’s not here now. He’s not even on this island. It’s just the two of us on this big, giant deserted beach. The words leave my lips before I can stop them. “Paige! Hey!”

She turns around and watches me jogging to catch up with her. “Jesus,” I say. “I’ve been calling you for five minutes.”

Her head is covered in a hood but I see her eyes—bright and open. Her lips are ripe, tinged blue from the cold. They look like berries. God, I want to kiss her.

“I didn’t hear,” she says.

Is it my imagination or does she look nervous? Some days I’m convinced there is something going on between us, that she feels it too, how could she not? But other times, when I see her with Rainer, I think maybe my desperation is playing tricks on me.

I see her eyes dart from my face to my chest. I’m getting soaked. It’s pouring out here.

“Come on.” I grab her hand—tiny and chilly in mine. At first just her wrist but then I let my fingers thread through hers. The pleasure of it, our fingers entwined, it’s exquisite. She’s not yours, I remind myself. Rainer.

I take her over to a row of cabanas on the beach. I unclip the rope holding the canvas cover down and motion for her to crawl inside. She doesn’t move.

“It’s hotel property,” she says. Always the rule follower.

I look at her like she’s crazy, and she relents. She dives inside and I follow, closing us in there.

I turn back to her and see that she’s shivering. I want to put my arms around her, hold her close and let my body heat radiate right through her, but instead I toss her a towel. Fuck my life.

I’m soaked, and I take off my sweatshirt and hang it over the back of the chair and then dry off with the other towel in there. I can see Paige watching me. Stop, I want to warn her, even as I play into it. I lift my arms overhead and my t-shirt rides up. I see her stare at my abdomen. I want her to feel even a fraction of what I do when she’s near me.

“Are you okay?” I ask her. Tease her.

She blinks and looks away. “Yeah…” she mumbles.

She’s still shaking, now without her wet windbreaker, and I take a folded -up towel from the foot of our chaise lounge and open it. I reach over and drape it around her shoulders and when I do my arm brushes hers. I feel her skin respond under my touch. Goosebumps prick up on her arm. It’s enough to make my line of vision get foggy. She looks up at me, her eyes brimming. God, I want her. I drop the towel and retreat to my chair, mantra in mind.

She’s fussing with the towel, tucking it all around her so she looks like a caterpillar. I laugh. “Snug as a bug.” This makes her laugh too, and I feel my chest tug at being the one to make her smile. I want to record that laugh and listen to it on a loop. Get a grip, Jordan.

She’s talking now, rambling a little. She tells me how much she likes being in the editing room, and how she likes that I’m showing her that. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said. About art not existing in a vacuum.”

“Oh yeah?” I ask.

She rolls on her side to face me, and I turn my head. Big mistake. From here, just inches away from her, I can see every beautiful detail of her face. Her tiny nose freckles. Her bright eyes. The soft pucker of her pink lips. I’m going to go crazy not touching her.

“Yeah,” she says.

I don’t even know what we’re talking about anymore, just that our voices have dropped to a whisper. Something is happening. We’re getting close. Not just psychically, although this is the closest I’ve been to her as us, not as August and Ed. I think about what it felt like to hold her and kiss her and touch her when we were acting. I want that again. I want that now.

She’s asking me about my family. “What happened?” she says. There have been tons of tabloid rumors. That I divorced my rents for the cash, that I’m this money-hungry bad-boy. Let them talk. I don’t care what they think.

But I care what she thinks. I need her to know the truth. I need her to know I am not who people think I am.

“My dad isn’t a great guy,” I tell her. “He tried to take everything, and then when I wouldn’t give it, he turned on my mom.”

I study her. She’s looking at me with the most pained expression. It makes my heart feel like fresh concrete with a chisel. “What did you do then?” she asks.

I tell her about how I had to get away from him, how I emancipated myself so I could protect my mom and sister. I never tell anyone this. No one really knows. No one except a few close friends. Alexis, and Rainer.

“I did what I had to do,” I tell her.

Her mouth opens but she doesn’t say anything. And then she reaches out and touches my scar, the one my father gave me. Her fingers are light and cool but the effect they have is the opposite. Inside, I’m burning. “Did he do this to you?” she whispers.

I nod, letting my eyes close, letting myself revel in her touch. I want to live or die here, I’m not sure which.

“Don’t you ever want to tell people the truth?” she asks me.

I put a hand on the towel between us. “The people who I really care about know,” I say, hoping she understands the implication of my words. Hoping she gets it, what she means to me. How important she is. How she’s becoming everything. “That’s good enough for me.”

“How come you’re telling me?” she says. “I could tell anyone.”

She’s inching closer to me. I can feel her breath now, warm in this cold little tent. My muscles are shaking from the amount of self control it’s taking to not just grab her and pin her under me.

“You could,” I say. “But I don’t think you will.”

“Why?” she asks.

She parts her lips and looks at me with eyes so wide I have no choice but to fall into them. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t hold it back. Because there is only one answer to her question, and it doesn’t have words. I put both my hands on either side of her cheeks. Her skin is hot there. I feel her suck in her breath. I drop my lips down to hers and linger, for one second. If you want me to stop, Paige, I think, this is it. But she doesn’t. She lifts her face and then I’m bringing her chin up to meet mine and we’re kissing.

Everything I’ve wanted since the moment we met bubbles up to the surface. I can’t be close enough to her, I can’t touch enough of her.

She responds to me so quickly, her hands impatient on my shoulders, her mouth opening wider to mine. I sweep my lips over hers and then find her neck, trailing kisses across her collarbone. I feel her fingers dig into my shoulders and she cries out. “Jordan,” she says, and my name on her lips is enough to make me completely lose control.

I press my mouth hard over hers and roll her on top of me. I fit out bodies together so I can feel all of her. The indent of her hips, the curve of her breasts pressing against my chest. She’s breathless, her fingers kneading my shoulders, down my arms, whatever skin she can find. I want to make her feel this good. I want her to know what her body is doing to mine.

I don’t let my lips leave hers as I run my hands over her back. I slip them under her shirt and trail my fingers against the warm skin there. She exhales sharply against me and I lock my arms around her. I try to hold both she and I in place, to keep myself from ripping her clothes off right here in this tent. It scares me that I don’t think she’d stop me.

I trace my fingers up and down her side with one hand and with the other I brush some hair out of her face. I feel the hot skin of her cheek. I leave my knuckles there.

I take my lips off hers and she whimpers and tries to pull me back down closer. I tuck some hair behind her ear. I cup her face in my hands. Her eyes look into mine—big, wild, free, and I know she’s seeing me there, too. All of what’s between us.

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” I tell her. I hate myself for it.

Jane may be back in the swing of things, but I'm obviously not. Apologies for the two-week delay; let's chat quick about what we (I) missed, before the show is back tonight!

AWARDS

THESE WEEKS' MVP(arent)S

In Chapter Sixty-Seven, somehow all four of these adult humans, at one time:

Somehow, there are no easily found gifs of this entire storyline available anywhere on tumblr! I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY.

What utter weirdos.

In Chapter Sixty-Eight, ALSO Rogelio, Darcy, Esteban, and Xo (they named the baby after Michael! and are working so hard to get along!), but to not double-up, let's also give a big award to Alba for her not-quite-in-law parenting of Rafael:

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Whoa. Heavy. #Owlba FTW.

BEST TELENOVELA TWISTS

Nobody died!!! At least, not in Chapter Sixty-Seven. But Rafael's swing at honesty with Katherine at the end of Chapter Sixty-Eight, well, that possible death remains to be seen… (He is obviously, definitely not dead.)

BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENTS

In Chapter Sixty-Seven, obviously WONDER WOMANNNNNNNNNNNN and the crumbling of the male suprehero patriarchy, as Matelio pulls her name from the ether when to compare his newfound superpowers to.

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NICE PARENTING, JANE AND RAF! You're transmitting all the correct pop culture preferences.

In Chapter Sixty-Eight? Two words: BALL. PITS.

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PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN

Jane's true love/husband, Michael, died; three years (and one time jump) later, she was ready to start dating again. And then fate ran her straight into Adam, her FIRST love and ALMOST husband, and they fell straight into pretty serious dating! Jane's son's dad, Raf, meanwhile, got over his unrequited love for her, then became her BFF, then fell back into his old, bad rich boy habits after his (ex-doctor) sister Luisa blackmailed him out of his share of their hotel & fortune, and his ex/other baby momma/renewed love, Petra, broke things off with him again. Now he is living with Jane and Alba and Mateo, and is "dating" cougar hotel scion Katherine in a bid to get her to front a secret deal to buy the Marbella back from Luisa, without Luisa knowing he is behind it. Oh, and Petra? She was almost killed by her twin Czech sister, who is back and working with Luisa and their con-artist, murderer mother, to prevent Petra and Rafael from succeeding at any of their schemes! Outside of the Marbella, meanwhile, Rogelio and Xo finally got married, even though Xo doesn't want more kids and Ro really had, but then surprise! Ro's ex-lover and current lady nemesis, Darci Factor, turned up pregnant! With his kid! And THEN she fell in love with his telenovela dude nemesis, Esteban! And it is all just so very much, and so, so very great.

THIS THE LAST TWO WEEKS

CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN: The One Where Adam Meets Mateo('s Little Fist)

The broad strokes:

1.) Petra's criminal mom, Magda—she of the criminally good caftans and matching eyepatches—came back to the Marbella to support Aneka and Luisa in their bid to ruin Petra and Rafael's lives, and to insinuate herself into the lives of Petra and Raf's adorbale and perfect twin daughters.

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Despite the threat with which the show introduced her reappearance in Petra's life, thus far all Magda has managed to accomplish is give Anna and Elsa a mini-fetish fo seaglass-colored piratewear in the form of child-sized eyepatches and fake hooks, and eat all of the pickles in the Marbella's kitchen. What she has not accomplished is actually threatening Petra into retreat, or even verifying that Anezka had the correct currency exchange rates in her head when she made her accomplice deal with Luisa: they are now only on the line to get a couple tens of thousands of dollars, and Luisa spent too much time with Rose for even Magda to be able to intimidate her into renegotiating.

2.) Fabian was fired, so now the show has hired a brand new co-lead to vie with Rogelio's miniature avatar for the affections of his telenovela's still-unseen lady scientist—and it is Esteban!

Rogelio? Not. Happy. But then Darci falls in love with Esteban, and Xo talks Ro off the ledge of blowing it all up, for the future baby's sake.

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3.) Adam! What a great guy. While he and Jane make a plan for Adam to meet Mateo after eight more weeks of dating (they even get down to the nuts and bolts of how Adam will win over Mateo's affections with a bag of gummy candy that Jane will "forbid" him to have, before giving in), Adam does start sneaking over to Jane's when Mateo goes to school, and one day Mateo has to double back to get something he forgot, and catches Jane and Adam in the midst of making out. And he punches him!

So now the tatted-up cat is out of the bag, and Jane's carefully outlined 8-week plan is shot. Time for Adam to meet everyone in Jane's family/life, *including* a very dismissive Rafael, who has absorbed Alba's every negative opinion of Adam before even meeting him. So Jane sets up a lunch for the two dudes to meet/Raf to see how mature and responsible Adam, the guy who lives with roommates and let Jane break her leg, actually is.

This is how mature Adam actually is:

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LOOK AT HOW PROUD OF HIMSELF HE IS

Yo, Adam! I feel you. All bills and no banana peels, that's me.

Raf isn't buying it (especially after he catches Jane and Adam busting the tension of their awkward lunch by making fun of Raf's seriousness behind his back), but after a few weeks of nothing else warming Raf up to Adam, Jane convinces him to do a dude's day at a baseball game, just the two of them and Mateo. And Adam is actually really great with him, convincing him he has superpowers and getting him cotton candy, the works. But…Raf sees texts from another woman on Adam's phone while Adam's getting said cotton candy, along with a phot preview of some heaving cleavage, and he naturally thinks the worst. But psych! Whether you believe me or not, I totally called it: what Adam was working on was his own version of cover art for Jane's novel, which awful art she had been fighting with her publisher with throughout the episode. He is so sweet and great! And Jane finally wears Raf down to accept him existing—well, that, and the fact that a day finally arrives when no one else is available to babysit Mateo, and Raf has to agree to give Adam the shot.

It goes great, of course! Adam and Mateo get along really well, and even choreograph a dance to Rocky Horror Picture Show's "Time Warp."

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Portrait of Jane, Jane's Small Son, and Jane's Large Adult Son

It is all very sweet and fun, but then…Mateo asks Adam to sit with him on the Porch Swing of Important Conversations, and tells Adam point-blank that Jane was sad about Michael dying for so long, that Adam can't make her sad, or die. And Adam promises him.

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…and then goes to bed that night with Jane, finally ready to admit what he had been denying to himself, Jane, and his roommates all episode: he is panicking.

4.) The baby! Rogelio works really hard all episode to not blow up over Esteban and Darci having loud pregnancy sex in the neighboring dressing room, or over Esteban making extensive plot and dialogue notes on what used to be the Rogelio show, but when Esteban talks Darci into a homebirth, that is a step too far, and Rogelio tries to forbid it. Obviously this is the exact wrong move, both because Darci is a fierce momma dragon, and because even as the dad, he doesn't get a say over Darci's bodily decisions. XO, even, backs her up on this.

But while she was on Darci's side re: her pregnancy, her choice, she can tell hRogelio is having trouble with everything, and finally gets him to open up: he's freaked out that Esteban will end up taking over all the moments with the new baby that Rogelio missed with Jane in the first place, and he doesn't want to burn any bridges that might push him even further to the sidelines than Darci and Esteban are already doing just by being so into each other.

Xo's advice? Stick it out, and don't let them bully him into giving in. They agree to Darci's one-upping declaration that she will do the home birth and Xo and Ro's house, and Xo makes sure that Rogelio doesn't get bullied out of the room, or out of supporting Darci when she is finally in the bath, pushing. At Xo's nudge (well, in extreme response to Xo's nudge), when it gets down to the birthing wire, Rogelio whips off his shirt and pants and gets right in the tub with her, and, with Esteban shirtless at Darci's back, the three of them help bring Jane's new baby sister into the world.

CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT: The One Where Adam and Jane Take a Week to (Not) Panic, and Rafael Gets Real With Katherine

Yes, we'll get to the drama of the adults in a second, but first, a baby sister(s) photo shoot:

Lololololol forever.

Okay, broad strokes again!

1) When Jane asks Petra to set her up on a business lunch with Petra's hot literary agent pal and Petra just straight up agrees, the two frenemies, evidently new BFFs, realize that without Raf in between them, they can just…get along. They are both so relieved to hear it!

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2.) Unfortunately, their relief is cut incredibly short as a ship's wheel chandelier crashes down in the Marbella dining room alongside them, raining termites down behind it. Evacuation time!!!!!

Luisa, of course, is behind it—part of her own scheme with the sketchy dude "Rose" "sent" "to help" Luisa get the money Rose needs to effect her escape, by burning the hotel down to collect the insurance money—but Petra has no idea. She is still trying to operate the hotel with Luisa, the two of them at an uneasy detente, and thus while she doesn't expect Luisa to be necessarily forthcoming, she is surprised at home friendly and on-top-of-things Luisa seems when she goes to confirm fumigation details with her later.

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Little does Petra know, Luisa's friendliness was a ruse! (Duh.) A ruse to keep Petra out of the office, since she can't see Luisa's sketchy friend. Literally, his words verbatim, "she can't see me." And, spoiler! She can't. Literally no one else but Luisa can, because Luisa is hallucinating him. She's gone back over to the crazy side, and is letting an imaginary sketchball hide her own arson-y inclinations from herself! Anezka, thankfully, figures it out, when she comes upon Luisa later that night as she is about to start the fire, and lo and behold, the Czech Doofuses finally have something with which to leverage something from someone. They choose Petra, and reveal their secret, for the price of Petra cutting them in on the final deal. Petra agrees, for the price of them leaving the country when the deal is cut, and never, ever coming back.

3.) Wait, nevermind, Jane and Petra aren't BFFs anymore, because Jane discovers that Raf, after all his high-horsing with Adam just the episode before, went behind her back and introduced Mateo to Katherine without telling her—and not because he actually is planning a future with Katherine like Jane is with Adam, but in order to use his kids as pawns to convince Katherine he is for real, so that she will stay on long enough for their Marbella buy-back to go through. But Katherine is a legit terrible influence, giving Mateo a tablet when Jane has a no-screen rule, threatening Jane's job as her future boss, just generally being the worst. But every time Raf has the opportunity to come clean and try to make the deal without being a sleaze, he just doubles down—both because he genuinely thinks it is the best play, and because he is tired of Jane's judgmentalness about his socioeconomic character/preferences.

So, Jane turns to Petra. They're new BFFs! Petra will totally be on her side! Only, Petra isn't. She wants/needs the deal to go through as much as Raf does, and so she not only forbids Jane from meddling (or else she won't set up the lunch meeting with the agent friend), but forbids her from delivering the letter Jane writes when she can't help herself from meddling just a bit. And, when Raf misses their first family brunch ever because he is on a yacht with Katherine, Jane and Petra finally have it out.

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Petra wins the ball pit fight and shreds the letter, but Jane has it memorized and races to the dock to just say everything she has to say about how Raf is a better person than all of this, in person. But joke's on her: he is unmoved, and ultimately triples down on his ruse with Katherine, telling her he's falling in love with her. It isn't until Alba finally steps in and counters Raf's complaints about Jane not understanding what it is like to have money and lose it, explaining how her husband left a wealthy life and inheritance to be with her and move to America, and never lost sense of himself and his honor, that he finally comes to his senses and goes to be honest with Katherine before the deal is made.

She runs him over with her car, and leaves him bleeding on the pavement.

4.) Rogelio and Darci are working SO HARD to get along…and they are succeeding! The biggest issue they face right now (well, other than Xo keeping her distance, which it turns out is just self-preservation so she doesn't lose her new career and independence to having a baby in her life, which Rogelio reacts to perfectly and immediately)? Naming the baby. They spend al episode trying out name after name—Rogelio working especially hard to find something he might like better than Amada, which is very good, but was also Esteban's contribution, along with being the name of one of Ryan Gosling's daughters—but ultimately they can't find anything they like better than, just, Baby. It's weird, but sure! And Darci is willing to let Rogelio pick the middle name, if he goes along with her on this. So at long last, they present their baby to the family: Baby Michaelina De La Vega Factor. YEP. Michaelina! After Michael, who was, Rogelio reminds us all with genuine emotion, Rogelio's best friend. It is very lovely.

5.) Adam! Jane and Adam spend the majority of this episode on a week-long break, which they decided they both needed to give Adam time to wrap his head around his panic, and Jane time to think about what their future could look like relative to her own needs. They make it almost the whole week, but when Jane is distracted writing her letter to Rafael, Mateo takes her phone and videochats Adam, and invites himself over to see all of Adam's comics. Jane tries to squash it, but Adam says yes!

So they go over, and…Mateo immediately starts knocking things down, then throws a fit when Jane pulls the mom card. Later, when she and Adam are on the phone discussing it, Adam exclaims over how that experience was actually great, because he had been worried about what having a kid around would mean, but now he knows "I could put up with it." DING DING DING. ADAM. Wrong choice of words, my dude! Jane immediately tries to shut things down, using his poor choice of words as an excuse to break things off. Well, she would say "valid reason," but when she talks with her mom about it later, she is made wise to the fact that it really was an excuse: inviting Adam in for real and good would be a serious move, and maybe Jane was pulling what Raf was in doubling down on his Katherine plan: using "for my family" as an excuse to cover for what about herself she didn't want to get hurt. And Alba points out that Adam taking the week to think showed maturity, and that reacting to Mateo's tantrum in the way he did wasn't rude or an indication that he will "just be putting up with" anything—it was a reasonable reaction to having a kid, from a non-kid-having perspective.

So Jane and Adam talk, and Jane admits that she was still kind of hung up on how he left her back when they were 19, and got a flash of something like that happening again, if Mateo ended up being "too much to put up with." Adam assures her it won't, and reminds her that he is very very bad with words, and voila! They are back together.

NEXT TIME

Lina is BACK. And about to get married. And Jane? She's ready to meddle! BBF shenanigans 5ever, please and thank you.

<-- Jane the Virgin 4x02: Chapter Sixty-Six

Jane the Virgin 4x05: Chapter Sixty-Nine -->

FYA resident dude Brian here. I'll be blunt. People aren't buying as many of my books as they're supposed to. I blame this on the general decline of society in general and the current president in specific. No matter. I forgive you.

In fact, I'm willing to bribe you. I'm going to give away not one, but two copies of my most recent book Deacon Locke Went to Prom. It's the story of how a kid named Deacon Locke goes to prom. Exciting, huh? And get this! He goes with his grandmother!

You want to read this, I can tell. But how can you get a hold of this book? Aside from going to your local library, I mean. Fear not, gentle readers. We're going to have us a contest.

In honor of Deacon's awkward dance experience, I invite you to share an interesting (and preferably embarassing) personal story of a school dance. Maybe it's something you can laugh at now. Maybe it's taken years of therapy to repress the memory. No matter. I want to hear about it. Simply type your best school dance story in the comments section. I'll pick my favorite and and FYA ladies will pick one as well. Please have your stories posted by November 17th.

Both winners will receive an autographed copy of Deacon personalized to you, or at least to someone. And I'm no namby pamby author who only ships to the US. I'll send it anywhere in the world! Why? Because I love you. The other authors don't love you, but Brian does. Remember that. They don't care. Brian cares. Brian isn't plotting against you. You can trust Brian.

Oh, and I wouldn't think of asking you to do something I wouldn't. Check out this golden oldie where I discuss my own junior prom, 1992.

I had a date, I swear.

Previously on Outlander: Claire found out Jamie was also married to Laoghaire, and now he has to pay her alimony. They send Young Ian swimming to Selkie Island after Prince Charlie’s treasure, but he’s captured by pirates. Claire is unsure if she and Jamie still belong together.

We join the Frasers ready to board the Artemis, in search of Ian. Uncle Jared helped them secure passage with the agreement that Jamie serve as Supercargo, which shouldn't interfere too much with him retching his guts out. They believe Ian was abducted by the Portuguese ship, Bruja, which is headed for Jamaica.

Jamie vows to not set foot in Scotland again without Young Ian. Which is for the best, since Jenny would probably kill him on sight. After the ship has set sail, Fergus appears on deck with Laoghaire’s oldest daughter Marsali, who claims they’re married (actually just handfast, and not yet consummated). Jamie is insistent that Marsali be put ashore and escorted home at their next port, but she says she’ll just lie and claim Fergus bedded her. So, Laoghaire will likely kill Jamie on sight as well. To make sure the marriage isn’t consummated, Jamie insists she and Fergus stay in separate cabins, and therefore he and Claire will have to sleep apart as well.

Jamie’s seasickness makes him pretty pathetic and convinced he’ll be dying at sea. Claire gets started treating injured seamen, but is frustrated by their many superstitions. The Frasers are invited to dine with Captain Raines, but Jamie is too busy puking, so Claire goes alone. Raines tries to explain the sailors’ superstitions to Claire, and why it’s important that they not be questioned, which mainly comes down to keeping things running smoothly on the trip, whether one believes in them or not. Mr. Willoughby has been administering acupuncture to cure Jamie’s seasickness, but they were keeping it a secret, in order to spare Claire’s pride, since her ginger tea wasn’t doing the trick.

Jamie lectures Fergus about his impetuous marriage. Fergus claims to have told Marsali the truth about his past, although maybe left out some previous dalliances. Jamie wishes he hadn’t lied about their courtship, and even after Fergus tells Marsali about the lassies he’s been with, which she’s fine with, Jamie still won’t give his blessing.

The ship loses wind and they quit moving for weeks, which of course, the sailors blame on bad luck. They’re running short on water and rations. The sailors decide to figure out who didn’t touch the lucky horseshoe at the start of the voyage, and they’ll just toss that person overboard. Raines thinks he’ll have to let them do it, or there’ll be mutiny. Jamie says he won’t allow any of his men tossed, but the sailors are sure that Jamie’s man, Jonah, from the Ardsmuir days (who IMDb identifies as Hayes?), is the responsible party. Jamie barely saves Jonah from going overboard. There’s about to be a fight, when Mr. Willoughby launches into his life story, which successfully distracts the crew. Right after Willoughby dramatically tosses his written story into the ocean, the wind picks up, and the voyage continues.

The Artemis then encounters a British man o’war that is signaling they want to board. Raines believes the ship is shorthanded and will try to press into service any British subjects. Captain Thomas Leonard, of the Porpoise, appears to be about 17 years-old. His ship has suffered a devastating plague outbreak. Claire thinks she knows what it is and can help, but Jamie doesn’t want her to go to the ship. But she’s been inoculated against typhoid and insists on going. The conditions the sick are being kept in are miserable and revolting. Claire gives Leonard instructions on how to care for them and contain the outbreak. She agrees to help get them started, but Leonard absconds with her, so she can continue to help them. But it’s fine, because he sent word to Raines, that they’ll provide accommodation for her until she can rejoin the Artemis.

Kilt Drops: 1

A ship full of sailors cannot be an easy place to get it on, but Jamie and Claire manage to find a way.

Wit and Wordplay

“A woman’s bare breasts calm an angry sea.”
‘I beg your pardon?”

“Daddy may think you’re a wise woman, but I still think you’re a whore.”

“What’s a eunuch?”
“I’ll tell you later.”

Sasse-WHAT?

- How about those fun new drums in the title theme? I think I need an umbrella drink!

- The show seems to be choosing to exclude some of the racist incidents that Mr. Willoughby is subject to in the book, as well as having Claire always address him by his given name. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t wish to watch anyone being subjected to that, but does it seem a bit dishonest on the part of the show?

- Fergus and Marsala brought a trunk of clothes from Lallybroch, including Claire’s clothes from when they lived in Paris. Apparently, Jamie couldn’t part with those memories of her. How useful do we think Parisienne fashions will be on the high seas?

Next week: Shockingly, Jamie is not chill about his wife being kidnapped. Claire faces obstruction aboard the Porpoise.

Back again for another week of YA Onscreen! Here's what is new:

There were some rumors that Gal Gadot refused to return for Wonder Woman 2 if Brett Ratner was still going to be an investor, but apparently it was just that: rumors. The premiere date has been moved up to November 2019 (still two years away, gah) so there's less competition for that movie-watcher money.

Speaking of Amazonian women, check out this regressive choice the Justice League movie made to change the Amazons' attractive yet practical armor into what are basically leather bikinis.

And speaking of Justice League (how long can I keep this going?), here are some of the first reactions from the critics.

Michael B. Jordan will make his directorial debut by adapting David Barclay Moore's YA novel, The Stars Beneath Our Feet. 

Have you seen the trailer for the upcoming comedy, Game Night, with people like Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams? It looks promising! 

With The Black Panther coming out soon, The Root has created a guide to fantasy and science fiction made for black people, by black people. 

More stars are coming forward and speaking out against the sexual assault they've experienced in Hollywood. Ellen Page wrote a thoughtful and heartbreaking post on Facebook about being outed as a teenager by Brett Ratner, and a producer for multiple CW shows like Arrow and Supergirl has been suspended after some of the cast and crew reported inappropriate behavior. The cast and crew of One Tree Hill wrote an open letter citing past instances of verbal and physcial abuse from showrunned Mark Schwahn. Ed Westwick of Gossip Girl fame is also facing rape allegations and has been dropped from multiple projects, including an Agatha Christie miniseries from the BBC. 

Well, those rumors about Amazon and LOTR didn't simmer for very long: it's true, though supposedly the series and/or spin-offs will cover previously unexplored stories of Middle Earth. 

The first trailer for Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s new season is out.

Fans of the Captain America comic books are excited that it looks as if Infinity War will have Steve Rogers adopting the Nomad identity. 

A new trailer for The Greatest Showman is showing off Hugh Jackman's singing and dancing prowess. 

The promotions for Deadpool are always amusing, and the latest images cooked up for the sequel are just as silly as those for Valentine's Day. 

Is Millie Bobby Brown going to be in the next Narnia movie?

That's it for the week! Let us know what you've heard or your thoughts on the links above in the comments!

BOOK REPORT for The Afterlife of Holly Chase by Cynthia Hand

Cover Story: Bah, Humbug
BFF Charm: Eventually Sassy Gay Friend
Swoonworthy Scale: 4
Talky Talk: Easy Breezy Ebenez-y 
Bonus Factor: A Christmas Carol
Anti-Bonus Factor: Workplace Misconduct
Relationship Status: Holiday Hookup

Normally, I try to avoid all things Christmas until December, but I can make an exception for a fun retelling. Read the full book report over at our series on Kirkus!

BOOK REPORT for Renegades (Renegades #1) by Marissa Meyer

Cover Story: Graphic Novel
BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 4
Talky Talk: Both Sides
Bonus Factors: Superheroes, Two Dads, Surprise!
Anti-Bonus Factor: Secrets
Relationship Status: Fangirl

Cover Story: Graphic Novel

This cover is a little deceptive; upon first glance, I feel like this could be a graphic novel. However, this works very well considering that the novel is about superheroes and villains. There just aren’t any pictures inside.

The Deal:

Gatlon City has seen its fair share of difficulties. When prodigies—people with superhuman abilities—decided that they’d had enough of rules and regulations, they rose up. The city fell into disrepair; although the Anarchists, led by Ace Anarchy, had (mostly) honorable ideas of freeing the people, humans are notorious for not doing well when they have no one leading them in the right direction.

Ace’s “Age of Anarchy” came to an end when a group of superheroes called the Renegades took control, and they’ve been in power for nearly a decade. They’re leading the people, but they’re heroes, not government officials.

Nova, Ace’s niece, has mostly been content to live her life with the other remaining Anarchists, under the watchful eye of the Renegades. But the need for vengeance festers in her heart, and she’s willing to do almost anything to get back on the path her uncle wanted for the world.

BFF Charm: Yay

From the very start, it’s obvious that Nova’s supposed to be an anti-hero. She’s a member of the villains, after all, and wants to rid the world of the Renegades—the good guys. But Nova’s not really a bad person. Instead, she sees that the Renegades maybe bit off more than they could chew with trying to right the wrongs the Age of Anarchy created. She believes strongly that the world would be a better place if everyone was completely free. Which is sadly naive, but I give her props for believing so strongly in an ideal.

Swoonworthy Scale: 4

Nova’s definitely interested in Adrian, a young prodigy she meets on her path toward Renegade destruction. But there’s a time and place for young love, and it’s not clear if Nova can make room for a relationship while she’s thirsting for revenge. (The two also have some serious issues standing in their way, but those aren’t resolved in this first book.)

Talky Talk: Both Sides

Renegades is filled with characters who are more three-dimensional than your standard superheroes and supervillains. They walk the gray area between “always good,” and “always bad,” which makes them all the more compelling. Of course, there are a few characters who are total stereotypes, but they fit nicely into the story because they’re more familiar to this sort of tale.

Also, I’m a big fan of Meyer’s world-building, and the world she creates for Renegades is definitely up to her normal standards. Gatlon City is a colorful place filled with colorful people; it fits right in with fictional cities like Metropolis and Gotham. My only nitpick is that there’s little history as to where the prodigies came from, but as someone who’s watched/read a lot of superhero stories, it wasn’t hard to just roll with it.

Bonus Factor: Superheroes

Just when you think you’ve seen all the superpowers there are to see, Meyer comes up with some new ones* that are really dang cool/creepy. Not all of the powers in Renegades are new, mind you, but there are enough that it doesn’t feel like Meyer just trolled through some comics grabbing the ones she liked best.

*New to me. There could be characters in comics with all of these powers, but I’m not familiar with them if there are.

Bonus Factor: Two Dads

One of the characters in the book has two dads, and it’s awesome how normal this is in the world of Renegades. It’s also awesome who these two dads are, but I don’t want to spoil that reveal for you. (We can take it to the comments if you want to chat.)

Bonus Factor: Surprise!

There’s a great twist at the end of the book that I totally didn’t see coming.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Secrets

It’s natural for characters in a comics-inspired book to have secrets—secret identities, secret family histories, secret lairs, etc.—but the secrets in Renegades are going to come back to bite these characters SO HARD in Book 2.

Relationship Status: Fangirl

I’d buy merch for both Nova and the Renegades, Book, if I were able to. Superheroes in general are totally my jam, and I can’t resist the draw of a complicated villain. At this point, I don’t know who’s side I’m on, but I am willing to stick around to figure it out.

FTC Full Disclosure: I bought a copy of this book with my own money, and received neither a private dance party with Tom Hiddleston nor money in exchange for this review. Renegades is available now.

Title: Ali Wong: Baby Cobra
Year: 2016
Fix: Doin' It for the LULZ
Platforms: Netflix

Netflix Summary:

Ali Wong's stand up special delves into her sexual adventures, hoarding, the rocky road to pregnancy, and why feminism is terrible.

FYA Summary:

WAIT, COME BAAAAACK...! Just trust* that I wouldn't recommend something with a description that includes "why feminism is terrible" without good reason. Anyway, this is Ali Wong, and she's got jokes!

*Or don't. I have no power over your actions.

Familiar Faces:

Ali Wong as herself

I wasn't familiar with Ali's onscreen work, but she's a writer on Fresh Off the Boat, aka one of the few shows that I keep up with as it's airing. Although wholesome family fun time, her personal brand of comedy is nooooooooot. (The dichotomy reminds me of Danny Tanner Bob Saget and Bob Saget the Comic, that type of unexpected filthy humour from someone who's mostly known for a family show.) And as you can see, Ali's also stylish af. (Heart-eyes that whole LEWK.)

Couch-Sharing Capability: High

Um, who doesn't like to laugh? Probably people who don't share the same sense of humour as you, but I'm going to take the leap that since you're reading these words on this here website, ours at least align somewhat and I found this hilarious. So watch it with a bunch of like-minded friends, or just use the live audience to pretend that you're doing so à la this classic tweet.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: With Caution

As with any funny business, the snortworthy potential becomes a concern. A little strategy might be necessary if you're imbibing.

Use of Your Streaming Subscription: Good

In the hellscape that is our current reality, laughter is a treasured commodity -- and Ali Wong is dishing it out in spades. There were a few things that didn't land with me (incl. one at the beginning, so I'm glad that I stuck with it anyway), but on the whole, this lady is CRUSHING IT. Not just with jokes, but physical comedy, too.** So why not spend an hour getting to know Ali Wong? Baby Cobra will get you hooked and tide you over until her next comedy special, due 2018. (Word choice extremely deliberate, as it's currently in production and Ali's pregnant again.)

**Spoiler in the link, but one particular impression was laughing-until-crying WAY TOO REAL.

Previously, on Riverdale: The Black Hood convinced Betty to alienate just about everyone she knows (except Archie, because he is obvs her real fave, inexplicably). Veronica's old friend comes to town and he's a privileged sexual assaulter that the Pussycats beat to hell after he attacks both Veronica and Cheryl. And after being dumped by Betty, Juggie finds comfort in Toni Topaz's arms. (BIG THANKS to Kandis for doing such a great job covering for me last week!)

The Rundown

Oh man, I'm so relieved everyone's made up. I don't like it when friends fight! (Well, Archie and Juggie made up until Archie ruined everything again, but that's just par for the course). Everyone's still reeling from the attacks perpetrated by Nick St. Clair last week, and Juggie's doing his best to fix a broken town. 

The Teens

Toni and Juggie have a morning after post-mortem, admit it was just a "PG-13 grope fest" and Toni reminds him that he's still in love with Betty and she's "more into girls anyway." Toni Topaz is a TREASURE and I will love her till the day I die.

Betty comes clean about how the Black Hood's been forcing her to be mean to everyone, and I'm so happy to see Jughead and Veronica forgive her with open hearts. Juggie organizes a race to settle the beef between the Ghoulies and the Serpents, and Archie completely fucks it up because that's what he does. Cheryl finally makes some progress with her coldhearted mom, and Nick gets what's coming to him.

Oh and Betty? Betty's done messing with the Black Hood. "You’re next, Black Hood. I’m breathing down your neck. Can you feel it?"

The Grownups

Good lord, Penelope Blossom suuuuuuucks. So do the Lodges. So does Alice Cooper even though I adore her. Mayor McCoy actually used the words "raze to the ground" when talking about the Southside, so she should maybe not be a mayor. Fred's okay, though he barely exists these days. FP can stay. 

The Clues

Black Hood's got Betty on the case, because he understands Betty Cooper is the only person in Riverdale who can ever solve anything. Sure enough, she discovers (well, she inspires Cheryl to discover, and GO CHERYL) the identity of the new Sugar Man, a Dread Pirate Roberts-type title that refers to any number of Jingle Jangle suppliers over the years, including once Clifford Blossom. The newest Sugar Man is a Southside teacher who was kinda nice to poor Jughead once, because all grown-ups are some degree of trash in Riverdale. (Except Pop Tate.)

Outfit MVP

While I was tempted to go with Cheryl's Cha Cha from Grease racing outfit, my heart melts for Betty in coveralls, fixing Juggie's engine. HEART EYES!

A Fine Line

Oh, Alice Cooper, you magnificent drama queen: "When I heard what happened at Nick’s party, I decided that we should come together to deal with this motley crew of liars, dope fiends and fornicators. Except for my Betty, who was smart enough to leave the party before it descended into a bacchanalia free-for-all."

The Truest Thing Anybody Said This Week

Cheryl Blossom Is Every Woman In 2017

Bughead's Back, Baby! 

After Betty tells Jughead that she never stopped loving him - nay, she cannot - and then says, "Also, remember, don’t ride the clutch and don’t let it slip between gear shifts, okay?" Jughead gives her the look we're all giving her, because she is the best.

What's Coming

In two weeks! 

Shameless Self-Promotion!

Check out our Riverdale-themed merch!

BOOK REPORT for Lady Knight (Protector of the Small #4) by Tamora Pierce

Careful, Sweetie: spoilers! This is the fourth book in the Protector of the Small series, so if you haven’t read First Test, Page, or Squire, you should probably hop back in the TARDIS and go curl up in the library by the pool with the first book before continuing.

Cover Story: So Shiny
BFF Charm: Single White Female
Swoonworthy Scale: 1
Talky Talk: Real As It Gets
Bonus Factors: Leadership, Cameos, Found Family
Relationship Status: My Knight In Shining Armor

Cover Story: So Shiny

It’s fitting to end on Kel and her persnickety horse, Peachblossom. Look how fancy they are in their full armor! Looking at them outdoors must blind you. Story time: I was just at The Museum of Art in Philly this past weekend and took a stroll through the Arms and Armor section, and as I did I was thinking of Kel (and also Heath Ledger in A Knight’s Tale, because…Heath Ledger), and how anyone had enough range of motion to fight in those things is beyond me.

The Deal:

All hail the lady knight! Kel survived the Chamber of Ordeal in Squire, but she can hardly enjoy her new official knight status with the threat of an all-out war with Scanra looming just beyond the first thaw, never mind all these horrible nightmares she’s been having every night about children being murdered. There’s a mage hiding in the Scanran mountains stealing away the sons and daughters of commoners and gleaning their souls to run his killing machines, and the Chamber has selected Kel to put an end to this horror. This suits Kel fine…except she has no idea where to start looking for such a person.

Things get even more complicated when she and her fellow knights get their marching orders to the Scanran-Tortall border, and Kel gets an unexpected—and unwelcome—command: protect a recently-built refugee camp of about five hundred displaced commoners. It’s a rare honor to get a command at such a young age, but despite the promise that she will see some battle, Kel is disheartened to land what she feels is merely a babysitting job, something that will tie her down when she should really be searching for this murderous mystery mage.

Taking control of tired and belligerent refugees with only a few squadrons of soldiers and conscripted convicts is going to take all of the eight years of knight training that Kel has under her belt, plus a little of that Yamani resolve, too.

BFF Charm: Single White Female

So maybe I don’t want to actually be in Kel’s shoes because a) she has to wear all that armor and, as we already discussed, that shit is heavy, and b) she’s fighting a literal war and I can’t wield a pen-knife, but damn if she isn’t someone I’d like to be when I grow up. Girl can fight like a boss, lead like a boss, and inspires loyalty in almost everyone around her because she deals in honesty and integrity. If I could only accomplish one of those things I’d be a lucky lady. 

Swoonworthy Scale: 1

This series was never really about kissing, and while Kel did have some romantic notions throughout her teenage years, right now she is in command and has zero, I repeat, zero time for pants-feelings. Neal’s cousin, Dom, one of the men in Lord Raoul’s squad when she was a squire, is around a fair bit and has wicked blue eyes, so when things calm down the time might be right…but that’s not going to be in this book, unfortunately. 

Talky Talk: Real As It Gets

This book—this entire series, really—feels so unique compared to many female-centered fantasies. There’s nary a love triangle in sight and there doesn’t have to be, because instead there are life-and-death stakes every moment of Kel’s day. Tamora Pierce isn’t afraid to get technical about the intricacies of leadership and what it takes to keep five hundred people alive and fed. It’s a lot of work, a lot of thankless work, and the author doesn’t shy away from the minutiae, but yet it never feels boring or unnecessary. Kel isn’t there to be a prop for a cause, and nothing comes easy because her talents and “specialness” don’t come simply from being The Chosen One, but from getting her hands dirty. There’s also plenty of realistic heartbreak, because, yeah, there is a war going on, and the consequences can be devastating. I bow down to Pierce’s deft and distinct writing.

Bonus Factor: Leadership

Being a true leader is a delicate balance between doing what’s right, doing what’s necessary, and somehow, in between all that, keeping the respect of your followers. It’s messy and irritating but also rewarding and fulfilling. It was a treat to see Kel navigating this role after spending so much time trying to earn respect as a would-be knight.

Bonus Factor: Cameos

My Tortall/Pierce faves, Numair and Daine, spent a lot of time with Kel in this book, and please feel free to ignore the fangirl squeals coming from my couch.

Bonus Factor: Found Family

Early on, Kel rescues someone from a troubling situation (you don’t earn the moniker "Protector of the Small" from just one act) and essentially becomes an adoptive mama. I loved their relationship.

Relationship Status: My Knight In Shining Armor

Book, please accept this handkerchief as a token of my undying affection. You’re the real deal and I want everyone to know that I am yours.

FTC Full Disclosure: I purchased my own copy of this book. I received neither money nor peanut butter cups in exchange for this review. Lady Knight is available now.

Did anyone else's week feel like a million years long, or was it just me? Either way, THANK FRICK IT'S FRIDAY.

Book Related Things

Cassandra Clare revealed the cover and release date of the next book of The Dark Artifices trillogy.

Excerpt from Tomi Adeyemi's buzzworthy epic fantasy, Children of Blood and Bone.

Daniel José Older is writing a Star Wars novel.

Emily Henry and Brittany Cavallaro are teaming up to pen a YA Thelma & Louise, plus other new book acquistions.

Catch these Kindle deals before they're gone:

•  Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl (review)

•  Dash and Lily's Book of Dares (review), Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List (movie review), and Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist (review) by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan

•  Entwined by Heather Dixon (review)

•  Gabi, A Girl in Pieces by Isabel Quintero (review)

•  The Girl from Everywhere by Heidi Heilig (review)

•  Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurst (review)

•  Tortall and Other Lands: A Collection of Tales, Trickster's Choice, and Trickster's Queen by Tamora Pierce

Please note: FYA collects a small percentage of sales from these affiliate links. Thanks for your support!

YA Onscreen Things

This week in YA Onscreen: sooooo many superheroes and also sexual harassment stories. And more!

New teaser for Deadpool 2 (NSFW language).

The next Fantastic Beasts installment has a name: The Crimes of Grindelwald. Oh, so it's about spousal abuse?

And here's a 'teaser'. (Seriously, his involvement is even putting a damper on the OMG ZOE KRAVITZ I'd otherwise feel.)

;

Renée Ahdieh's The Wrath and the Dawn has been optioned for a movie. POCs ON BOTH SIDES OF THE CAMERA, PLEASE.

Stephen Chbosky to write and direct Disney's Prince Charming.

UMMMM, 1) how dare you and 2) who are you, Grazia UK, to photoshop Lupita Nyong'o's hair on your cover?

Good reminder for all facets of life, really: "Instead of mourning great art tainted by awful men, mourn the work we lost from their victims".

Social Media Things

Celeste Ng and other writers spilling tea in this thread.

Since I'm apparently in a snarky mood this morning: Writers, what's the worst Q you've ever been asked at a reading? And what's the best?

— Celeste Ng (@pronounced_ing) November 16, 2017

Another installment of Latinas Who Lunch!

Lovely Latinas! Once again we got together in a room and my heart filled with joy. These are women I admire and I look up to and women I support. I got ya back boos! Where they go, I go! #FiercelyLatina #Latinas #LatinasWhoLunch pic.twitter.com/s20uAvPktz

— Eva Longoria Baston (@EvaLongoria) November 13, 2017

Compton Clovers, still reigning supreme.

I know you don't think a white girl made that shit up ������ #ItsAlreadyBeenBrought https://t.co/BhaSrYPjPW

— Gabrielle Union (@itsgabrielleu) November 16, 2017

Of all the stories that I've come across for this quote-tweet exercise (do we have a name for this yet?), this might be my fave.

my first impression of sebastian stan in real life was him communicating with a deaf child through sign language. you should’ve seen this kid’s face when the realization hit that the winter soldier understood him. https://t.co/pBmBMfrXqq

— korg’s #1 fan (@jasperskaikru) November 12, 2017

Omggggg the love for this kitty is so pure.

Guys I just found out that super chill cat was from a neighborhood in Istanbul and when she passed away in 2015 the residents missed her so much they made a statue of her sitting in the same spot and I am now dead my ghost is typing this pic.twitter.com/PJle1OJ5Yi

— August J. Pollak (@AugustJPollak) November 15, 2017

THIS WEEK NEEDED THIS.

I’m trust falling into a a group of sexiness. @people @MatthewDaddario @isaiahmustafa @DomSherwood1 @arosende pic.twitter.com/GoCT40gfAI

— Harry Shum Jr (@HarryShumJr) November 15, 2017

Miscellaneous Things

Refinery29 compiled a pretty comprehensive glossary on gender and sexuality terms.

Remember when someone discovered that KFC follows 11 Herbs and Spices on Twitter? They just sent that dude a giant painting of the Colonel giving him a piggyback.

An animal shelter in Greater Orlando sorted dogs into Hogwarts -- er, Pawgwarts houses.

Related: sorry, wallets, but Torrid has new Harry Potter merch.

Also in merch: an *NSYNC merchandise line to celebrate their 20th anniversary OMG WE'RE ALL SO OLD.

The first hijab-wearing Barbie is modeled after badass American Olympic medalist, Ibtihaj Muhammad.

Get your free unicorn graphics download at Creative Market this week.

Pink prosecco cheese? It looks like a giant Mini Babybel to me. (And I love Mini Babybel!)

Cards Against Humanity are also Cards Against Mexican Border Walls.

This story is WILD, so I'll let the headline do all the talking: "Teen Girl Posed For 8 Years As Married Man To Write About Baseball And Harass Women".

Technically an old link, but too good not to share and also requires no additional commentary: "One of the Backstreet Boys farted while recording “The Call,” and it made the final cut".

That's it for this week. Feel free to share your thoughts on these or any links we may have missed in the comments below!

Happy Friday, peeps! I'm off to clean my house because I'm hosting Friendsgiving tomorrow night! Do you attend or host a Friendsgiving? Are you excited about Thanksgiving or do you avoid interacting with extended family at all costs? Most importantly, sweet potatoes with or without marshmallows? (Without is the only proper way to go, you heathens.)

As always, feel free to chat about this and more in the comments! Literally...go nuts!

BOOK REPORT for Turtles All The Way Down by John Green

Cover Story: Ugly Hazard
BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: John Greentastic
Bonus Factor: Eccentric Billionaires
Bonus Factor: Star Wars Fan Fic
Anti-Bonus Factor: Patty Chase Award for Awful Parenting
Relationship Status: Committed 2 U

Cover Story: Ugly Hazard

While I appreciate any YA book cover that steers clear of stock photos and Big Faces, this feels lazy, IMHO. The spiral is a reference to the titular "turtles all the way down" anecdote, but, like, not a very good one? There were a lot - A LOT - of places to take inspiration from, and I'm not sure how they landed on an orange spiral. The color combo is quite possibly my least favorite of all available color combos and looks like a hideous traffic cone. Also, with turtles in the title and a tuatara lizard as a supporting character and, you know, the freaking author...why not go with green?

The Deal:

Billionaire Russell Pickett has gone missing in Indianapolis, and a $100,000 reward has been posted for anyone with information leading to his whereabouts. Aza Holmes' best friend Daisy could use some cash, and she knows that Aza lived next door to the Picketts and was childhood friends with Russell's son Davis. She convinces Aza to rekindle her friendship with Davis in an attempt to glean information that might help them get the reward money. But when Aza and Davis start spending time together, their shared bond of having lost a parent, and feeling lost and unsure of who they are, pulls them back into each other's lives, and Aza has to decide if Davis is worth giving up her chance at the reward money. What begins as a Grisham-style murder mystery (for teens!) becomes a complex story about mental illness, the power of friendships, and figuring out who you are when huge parts of your life are chosen for you.

BFF Charm: Yay

Aza Holmes ranks very high on my John Green protagonist scale. Just under Hazel and above pretty much all the boy narrators. This was the case despite the fact that Aza is, quite possibly, one of the hardest characters I've ever read. Aza suffers from anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder, something that Green also suffers from, which makes his portrayal of the illness heart-wrenching in its accuracy. Aza's particular brand of OCD manifests itself as an obsession with a bacterial infection called clostridium difficile colitis or C. Diff. She constantly presses her thumbnail into the pad of her middle finger, causing the skin to break, then heal, only for her to open it up again to drain it of what she perceives to be infection. She can't stop thinking about the bacteria that live inside her, that are a part of her, and frequently wonders if she even exists, or if she's little more than the microbes that she's made of. She knows that these thoughts are unreasonable, but she can't stop thinking them, despite seeing a therapist and occasionally taking her prescribed medication.

Being inside Aza's head was like being in a civil war battle, and unlike The Fault in Our Stars, Green did not feel the need to interrupt Aza's constant anxieties with a lot of humor. That said, Aza still made me smile. I rooted for her. I felt for her. I sympathized for and with her. She comes with her fair share of challenges, but she's also clever, complex, and caring.

Swoonworthy Scale: 6

Aza likes Davis. Davis likes Aza. Witnessing these two people realize and act on these feelings was sweet in and of itself, but throw Green's signature witty banter into the mix, and I found myself grinning - large and goofy - during many of their scenes together. BUT, this isn't a kissing book. Kissing involves saliva which contains microbes, so try as she might, Aza doesn't magically overcome her crippling mental illness so she can make out with the boy next door. But her bond with Davis still managed to produce some stomach butterflies, especially when he would point out constellations to her. *Be still my heart.*

Talky Talk: John Greentastic

John Green is part of a very elite group of authors that FYA has dubbed worthy of their own Talky Talk. His characters are always brilliant, and his prose is always clever. But be warned: Turtles All The Way Down is, without a doubt, his darkest work to date. This book is not an easy read, but then again, neither was The Fault In Our Stars. The magic of John Green is that he can take a premise that should, for all intents and purposes, bum you the HELL out, and still deliver a heartwarming book that you can't wait to read again and again.

Bonus Factor: Eccentric Billionaires

Russell Pickett is freaking loaded, which makes for some hella fun reading whenever scenes would take place at his insane castle mansion. Bookshelf that opens to a secret passage way/movie theater? Check. Getting taken around the property on golf carts by the butler? Check. Entire building to house his tuatara? Check. As a matter of fact, Pickett's obsession with his tuatara lizard was, at times, my favorite part of the book, simply for its random ridiculousness.

Bonus Factor: Star Wars Fan Fic

Aza's best friend Daisy is a tornado of teen energy, which can be both endearing and annoying. Her motto is "Break hearts, not promises," which I honestly want to get tattooed on my person, but my favorite Daisy detail is that she is a moderately successful internet writer of Wookie/Human romantic fan fiction.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Patty Chase Award for Awful Parenting

Unfortunately, all that money doesn't make Pickett a good father. I won't get too spoilery, since part of the fun of this book was uncovering Pickett's secrets, but I will say that Davis and his little brother deserved better.

Relationship Status: Committed 2 U

Book, my feelings for you are too strong to pretend that I'm not 100% serious about us. I know things won't always be easy between us - you'll challenge me and make me feel things I don't always want to feel. But in the end, I'll be better for it, and so, I'm committing to you for the long haul, baby.

FTC Full Disclosure: I did not receive money or Girl Scout cookies of any kind (not even the lame cranberry ones) for writing this review. Turtles All The Way Down is available now.

Welcome to the Not Now, Not Ever Blog Tour!

Lily Anderson’s new book is a retelling of The Importance of Being Earnest featuring an MC who loves science fiction so much that she’s willing to go against her parents’ wishes to do what she wants to do during summer vacation. *fist pump*

THE OFFICIAL WORD

Elliot Gabaroche is very clear on what she isn't going to do this summer.

1. She isn't going to stay home in Sacramento, where she'd have to sit through her stepmother's sixth community theater production of The Importance of Being Earnest.
2. She isn't going to mock trial camp at UCLA.
3. And she certainly isn't going to the Air Force summer program on her mother's base in Colorado Springs. As cool as it would be to live-action-role-play Ender's Game, Ellie's seen three generations of her family go through USAF boot camp up close, and she knows that it's much less Luke/Yoda/"feel the force," and much more one hundred push-ups on three days of no sleep. And that just isn't appealing, no matter how many Xenomorphs from Alien she'd be able to defeat afterwards.

What she is going to do is pack up her attitude, her favorite Octavia Butler novels, and her Jordans, and go to summer camp. Specifically, a cutthroat academic-decathlon-like competition for a full scholarship to Rayevich College, the only college with a Science Fiction Literature program. And she's going to start over as Ever Lawrence, on her own terms, without the shadow of all her family’s expectations. Because why do what’s expected of you when you can fight other genius nerds to the death for a shot at the dream you’re sure your family will consider a complete waste of time?

This summer's going to be great.

THE TOUR

The book comes out tomorrow (I’ll be reviewing the book later this week) but hopefully this Q&A with Anderson herself tides you over until you can get thee to a bookstore!

What about The Importance of Being Earnest inspired you to write a retelling?

I love farce. Farce gets used on stage (Noises Off, The Man Who Came To Dinner, Comedy Of Errors) and movies (Clue, The Birdcage, Soapdish) and sitcoms (hello, all of Arrested Development!), but rarely in literature. So, when my editor asked me to write a companion book to The Only Thing Worse Than Me is You, I wanted to try writing a farcical YA. The Only Thing was already pretty packed with hijinks, so I turned to the silliest text I could think of, The Importance Of Being Earnest. Earnest, while being a play about mistaken identities and babies being left in handbags, is also really about a group of characters who don’t yet know who they want to be. And what’s more YA than that?

Did you include any personal experiences in Not Now, Not Ever (i.e., did you ever go to summer camp)?

I never went to summer camp but I did grow up doing youth theater, which is the most competitive, blood-thirsty hobby and totally shaped me as a person. The long nights and high stakes of Camp Onward are definitely informed by my theater days. (Fun fact, Rayevich College in Not Now, Not Ever is named after one of my youth theater directors, LeRoy Rayevich, who tragically passed away in his early thirties. Without LeRoy’s tutelage, I would never have learned the rules of comedy and certainly couldn’t have started writing comedic novels.)

One of the things I loved about The Only Thing Worse Than Me is You was all of the nerdy elements. Not Now, Not Ever looks to include them as well. Why do you include nerdy elements in your books?

Well, I’m a nerd. I’m fluent in nerd. And when I was in high school, fandom was how my friends and I communicated. We role played Harry Potter characters and hung out in comic book stores and dressed up for midnight releases. As an adult, I still love fandom and there’s way more stuff to be passionate about! In my day job as a school librarian, my students wanted to talk about geeky things, too. Knowing that kids from kindergarten to eighth grade were as into Star Wars, Marvel, Potter, and Doctor Who as I was felt like permission to put references into my books because I knew these kids would grow up and get the jokes! So in both The Only Thing and Not Now, the characters are into things that I know teens like and also some deep cut references to things that they would like if they tried them.

Who's your favorite character in Not Now, Not Ever?

Definitely Elliot. She’s so different than me—she’s sporty where I’m slothy and brave where I’m scared and into Sci-Fi where I’m into romance novels and musicals. I loved being in her head for the year I was writing the book.

What is your writing process? Are you a pantser? (That would be especially interesting given the literary conversation with the plays). Outliner?

I’m an outliner and my outlines get more serious with every book. With Not Now, I outlined a three act structure which was basically “Elliot runs away. Elliot is at camp. Camp is really hard.” If I were outlining the same story now, it would have a chapter by chapter breakdown with character beats.

Please give the elevator pitch for Not Now, Not Ever.

Using The Importance Of Being Earnest as a guide, Elliot Gabaroche runs away from home to compete for a college scholarship.

Without spoilers, what was your favorite scene to write?

Any scene that happens in the Mo-Lo library. As a librarian, I took particular joy in creating a giant fantastical library of my dreams (and putting some swoon inside).

What do you most hope that readers take away from your novels (either or both)?

I want all my readers to take away a sense of happiness. Not Now, Not Ever and its predecessor, The Only Thing Worse Than Me is You, are fluff. Hopefully well crafted, artisanal and organic fluff but fluff nonetheless. Not Now is very much a story about choosing a path, but also realizing that the paths don’t close behind you. I want my readers to have hope for Elliot’s path and their own.

What is next?

My next book, Undead Girl Gang, comes out from Penguin Razorbill on May 8, 2018! It’s Veronica Mars meets The Craft in the fat Wiccan Latina book I’ve always wanted to write.

Do you have a dream cast for if there was ever a movie version of Not Now, Not Ever?

In four or five years, I think that Marsai Martin (Diane from Blackish) and Finn Wolfhard (Mike from Stranger Things) would be a perfect Elliot and Brandon. Wendell Cheeseman, the professor in charge of Camp Onward, was written with Paul Scheer (from my all-time favorite podcast, How Did This Get Made, and TV shows like Fresh Off The Boat and The League) in mind.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Photo by Chris Duffey

Lily Anderson is an elementary school librarian and Melvil Dewey fangirl with an ever-growing collection of musical theater tattoos and Harry Potter ephemera. She lives in Northern California.

Previously on Outlander: Young Ian was kidnapped by pirates. Fergus and Marsali showed up “married” on the Ian rescue voyage. Jamie was less than thrilled. An English ship plague ship kidnapped Claire so she could treat their sick.

Aboard the Artemis, Captain Raines reveals that he was informed that the Porpoise would be leaving with Claire, and making haste for Jamaica. He countermands Jamie’s order to chase them, and has him restrained belowdecks. Jamie is seasick again, in his cell, and crazy with worry over Claire. He tries to talk Fergus into stealing the keys, so he can take over the ship, and go after Claire. Fergus thinks mutiny is maybe not the best plan, but Jamie promises his blessing to marry Marsali, if Fergus will help him. When Fergus doesn’t bring him the keys, Jamie lectures Fergus. you know, the man who’s been by his and his family’s side for the last 20 years, about not knowing what love is.

Claire has the men of the Porpoise swabbing the decks, bathing their hands in booze, and trying in vain the decontaminate the ship. But Claire’s knowledge of germs doesn’t seem to be getting through to 18th century sensibilities. She requisitions some grog to be distilled into pure alcohol, and generally bosses everyone around, with the help of her teenage assistant, Elias Pound. The Porpoise’s cook really hates Claire and her useless water boiling and hand-washing, while men are still dying.

While snooping around, she discovers in Captain Leonard’s journal, that someone on the ship had informed him that Jamie is a wanted seditionist. She tracks down Harry Tompkins, the source of the information, who turns out to be the one-eyed man, who found Jamie’s treasonous pamphlets at the print shop when it burned down. He’s pretty pissed about losing out on his cushy job, and being pressed into service aboard a plague ship. He does inform her that Jamie is wanted for murder, due to the body found in a cask of créme de menthe. The plan is for Jamie to be captured and hanged, once they he comes to fetch her in Jamaica. She has Tomkins imprisoned, by claiming he’s a source of the disease.

When Claire goes to return Elias’ lucky rabbit foot, she finds the poor kid dying from the fever. She helps sew up his death shroud herself, before he’s buried at sea. The next day, the ship anchors at Grand Turk Island to collect water, and allow the milking goats to get some grass. Annekje, the goat mistress, tries to help Claire escape, but Capt. Leonard heads her off. And he’s sorry, but he’s duty-bound to report Jamie to the authorities. Little putz. Later, Annekje talks Claire into jumping off the ship in the middle of the night, convincing her that the current will carry her to land.

Marsali gets Capt. Raines to release Jamie, to help get the ship safely to Jamaica, and he’s at least appropriately grateful, and gives those crazy kids (Just kidding! Fergus is 30.) his blessing to get married.

Kilt Drops: 0

That was a close call with Marsali and Fergus. I mean, her (his?) stepfather is a 6’5" Scottish criminal.

Wit and Wordplay

“I’m sorry, Mr. Pound. I did not mean to offend your tender ears.”
“I’ve heard many such things before, ma’am, but not from a gentlewoman.”
“I’m not a gentlewoman, Mr. Pound.”

Sasse-WHAT?

- How could the Porpoise possibly still have enough flags to bury with their sailors, when they’ve already lost a couple hundred men?

- I have to admit, I’m pretty bummed that the show decided to leave out one of my favorite scenes from the book, when Claire meets the new Governor of Jamaica aboard the Porpoise.

- On a scale of 1 to ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME, how mad are you that we have to deal with Jamie and Claire being separated again?

Next week: Claire wakes up in a strange man’s house, on an island that is not Jamaica.

Let's discuss in the comments!

BOOK REPORT for All Rights Reserved by Gregory Scott Katsoulis

Cover Story: ($5.98)
Drinking Buddy: ($8.50)
Testosterone Estrogen Level: ($.99)
Talky Talk: $50
Bonus Factor: Urban Guerrillas
Bromance Status: $19.95

Cover Story: ($5.98)

The faceless figure and the copyrighted words in the background do a good job of showing the corporate nature of the book's society. It doesn't exactly catch the eye, though.

The Deal:

In the future, every method of communication, from words, to gestures, to hugs, is rigidly copyrighted. Every time you communicate in any way, you owe the rights holder a fee, tallied through the mandatory cuff you begin to wear when you turn fifteen. Fall too far in debt and you become indentured for life. All literature, music, and innovation is censored.

Speth Jime is about to turn fifteen, where she's expected to give her mandatory speech agreeing to the terms and conditions (and maybe pick up a little cash by doing some product name dropping). She's been a ward of the state since her parents were arrested because some great-great aunt bootlegged a Beatles CD decades ago. Speth (don't laugh, the name was on sale) lives in poverty with her brother and sister, with no hope of earning enough to buy her parents' freedom.

On her birthday, Speth is accosted by an acquaintance who unexpectedly kisses her (and received a violent shock to his eyeballs, the penalty for communicating while broke). He then jumps off a bridge into heavy traffic.

Horrified at this event, Speth decides to stop talking. To stop communicating. As long as she doesn't speak, doesn't gesture, doesn't express herself, then she'll owe no one anything. She'll be debt free. She'll be her own person.

Of course, the powers that be don't care for this silent rebellion and decide to make Speth talk. By any means necessary.

Drinking Buddy: ($8.50)

In Speth's world, poor people barely make enough to eat, they are constantly bombarded by advertising, and the schools are nothing more than tools of the government (Fiction. This is fiction). For Speth to make a stand is a noble gesture, but someone futile, one that endangers both her and her family.

Still, you have to admire Speth's fortitude. When even doing something as simple as shrugging one's shoulders (more than 5 centimeters) would count as communication, it takes a lot of willpower to do nothing.

Testosterone Estrogen Level: ($.99)

The thing about rebelling by being silent is that our heroine never talks. This is novel at first, but when other people go silent and they expect Speth to be the vanguard of the revolution, all she can do is just stand there. She can't work, go to school, or leave the city. At times, this silent personality grows a bit dull. It's exciting when Speth is assaulted by a random street thug and she refuses to call for help. It's a little more disturbing when it's her brother who's being attacked and she still maintains her silence.

Talky Talk: $50

This was a good, original dystopia in an already glutted market. Rather than the military or dictators holding power, it's the corporations and the lawyers. No one makes a pretense that this is fair and good for society, people just try to make the best of their lot.

And it's a little frightening to think that it could happen. You feel like you have free speech, but does that matter to the police who gas your pipeline protest? Can you be kicked out of school for wearing the wrong clothes? Will some soulless lawyer start harassing some book review website over the copyrighted picture of a celebrity?

Naw...

Bonus Factor: Urban Guerrillas

Speth's antics cause everyone in her family to lose their jobs and the state to abandon them. Fortunately, Speth falls in with some Product Placers. These are corporate ninjas who sneak into the homes of the rich to leave the hot new products to pique the interest of potential wealthy consumers. The placers allow Speth to start working with them (not like she's going to make a lot of noise). The thing is, they have a lot of leeway (such as being exempt from the constant ads and the ability to turn off their monitoring). Could Speth use this to get revenge on the state?

Bromance Status: $19.95

While I wouldn't spend too many words in your praise, you were a fun read and a nice new twist on the dystopia trope.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received neither money nor a Blissberry (TM) smoothie for writing this review.

This review (C) Forever Young Adult (TM) and Brian Katcher. All Right Reserved.

Happy Tuesday (at least for me, since holiday vacation starts at 5:01pm) and thanks for joining me for this week's YA Onscreen! Are my fellow US citizens preparing their Thanksgiving pants for Thursday? Here are some links to peruse while you begin your cooking marathon:

Justice League is out and no one seems to care as the first week numbers are in at a mere $94 million domestically, falling short of all other benchmarks from movies like Wonder Woman and even Suicide Squad. What's next for the struggling DC Universe?

Everything leaving and joining Netflix in December, so you can plan out your Christmas break viewing ahead of time.

As we pointed out in Pro-Tips last Friday, we're less than thrilled with the fact that Johnny Depp is being featured prominently in the Fantastic Beasts sequel and this article perfectly sums up why.

Has everyone been watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend lately? These last few episodes have been a real rollercoaster of emotion (I dare you to watch Rachel Bloom's acting in November 10's episode and not tear up). Exec producer Aline Brosh McKenna discusses Rachel's diagnosis, Nathaniel, and what's next for Josh.

For some behind the scene bits on Ex-Girlfriend, read up on the creation stories of 5 songs from the show and find out which songs the cast used during their auditions. (Let's Generalize About Men is such a hilarious bop.) 

Check out the teaser trailer for Incredibles 2:

21 movies to watch with your friends during Friendsgiving, or with your family, or just while you're chilling out alone during the holiday because your family drives you crazy.

New trailer for the giant CW superhero Crisis on Earth-X crossover:

Two Time Lords in a Tardis: The Doctor Who Christmas special first look.

The full-length trailer for A Wrinkle in Time. Man, I need to reread that book.

How To Train Your Dragon 3 has found their villian with F. Murray Abraham. 

Kat Dennings is heading to Hulu to star in a new show called Dollface about a young woman coming off a breakup trying to rekindle her female friendships. 

Wonder is doing well in the box office. Have you seen it?

New Regency has acquired the movie rights to an April 2018 YA book by debut author Emma Berquist, called Devils Unto Dust. The synopsis says it's a cross between True Grit and 28 Days Later (side note: Westerns in YA sort of snuck up on me, but I'm realizing--is this now the new trend after werewolves, vampires, mermaids, and kidnapping books? Discuss.) and is set in 1870's West Texas where a virus is turning people into "Shakes". *slinks off to Goodreads to add to never-ending TBR list*

That's it for the week! Chat about what we missed or what you read below.

BOOK REPORT for The Big Lie by Julie Mayhew

Cover Story: The Big Font/Face
BFF Charm: Nein
Swoonworthy Scale: 3
Talky Talk: Unreliable Narrator
Bonus Factor: Alt-History
Relationship Status: Die Wahrheit Wird Dich Frei Machen

The truth will set you free: read all about The Big Lie at our series on Kirkus!

Welcome to the first of our recaps for Hulu’s new show, Runaways, a.k.a Marvel’s latest attempt to create a live-action version of every single one of their comic superheroes. This one features actual YAs, however, so it has promise ...

On the two-year anniversary of the death of a friend, Alex Wilder goes to school with the hopes of bringing his old group of friends back together. But they’ve all gone their separate ways, and none of them who aren’t related hang out any longer. Karolina Dean, the daughter of a Scientology-like religious leader, is the “millennial face” of the church, all smiles and #blessed selfies. Chase Stein hangs out with the popular crowd, and acts like a horrible stereotype. Gert Yorkes is a social justice warrior who’s sneered at by the rest of the kids in their posh private school. Nico Minoru wears dark clothes, dark makeup, and maybe practices the dark arts. Molly Hernandez, the youngest of the crowd and Gert’s adopted sister, wants to fit in, but might have some very special abilities. And then there’s Alex himself, who hangs out with no one and watches from the sidelines.

GIFs via marvelsrunaways

When Alex asks them to all hang out that night while their parents hold an annual meeting of their PRIDE charity—like old times—they all turn him down. But fate (or the writers) has different plans, and they all end up over at Alex’s. Tensions are high, and they all agree to talk about Amy and the things that caused them to fracture, but first they go looking for alcohol. However, Alex’s attempt at keeping his dad’s study clean and water ring free leads them to discover some sort of ancient building under his house, where their parents are involved in a seriously creepy ritual.

Kapow!

- I wish my period cramps gave me super strength like Molly’s do.

- Brie-making hippies keep dinosaurs in their basements!

Runaways and Runanays

Winner: Alex. Way to get the band back together!

Losers: Chase’s so-called bros. Them trying to take advantage of Karolina while she was unconscious is FUCKED UP. They are the lowest of the low. (And also, do we really need more of that crap in pop culture? I have a feeling that it’ll never be mentioned again, and that’s utter bullshirt.)

Speech Bubbles

“I like hanging out with myself. How many people can say that?”—Alex

“If you were really afraid of me, you’d be getting an A.”—Victor

“And if that doesn’t work, go to the bathroom and give yourself an orgasm.”—Stacey
“Mom, seriously?”—Gert
“The oxytocins are a natural pain reliever.”—Stacey

“Holy shit, what just happened?”—Chase
“You mean other than a secret passage opening?”—Alex

Find Out Next Time ...

- Who or what is that gross thing wearing the Mad Max-style respirator?

- What happened to Amy?

- Do all of the kids have powers like Molly’s and Karolina’s? (And what, exactly, are their powers?)

- What are the parents up to, and what, really, is PRIDE?

Did you watch this first episode? Are you planning on checking out the rest? Let’s discuss in the comments!

Next episode: “Rewind”