Follow along the whole rewatch here!

Previously, on Veronica Mars...

I'mma be honest with y'all: I'm already looking ahead to next week's episodes. I mean, these ones are good, and there's a lot of investigation progress. But how could anything compare to what happens next week!? Anyway.

THE OFFICIAL FYA VERONICA MARS DRINKING GAME

Take a drink every time:

•  Someone says "Veronica Mars", even when they know full well who she is and there's no other Veronica in all of Neptune

•  Veronica uses her camera

•  Mars family members hug (Backup counts!)

•  Backup appears (take an extra drink when Backup gets recast)

•  Someone mentions the 90909 zip code or '09ers

•  Someone uses a disguise/alias/fake voice

•  A character, initially introduced as good, turns out to be a baddie (or vice versa)

•  Fisticuffs occur

•  Veronica has a meeting in a bathroom

•  Logan's voicemail greeting is heard

•  A Taser is used

•   Veronica mentions ponies or unicorns

• Season 1 specific: Lilly appears in a flashback (pour one out when it's her corpse)

Onto the episodes!

MARS INVESTIGATIONS, CASE 1x14: "Mars vs. Mars"

Beloved history teacher Mr. Rooks has been accused of having an affair with gossip girl Carrie Bishop. While the students of Neptune High have been supportive of Mr. Rooks, Carrie has been vilified. But really, what do we really expect from a place where the Sheriff tells a rape victim to grow some backbone? Neptune kind of sucks, y'all.

Among the Rooks supporters is Veronica, who believes Carrie's a vindictive student out to ruin a great teacher. And that complicates matters at Casa Mars, since Keith has been hired by Carrie's parents to investigate Rooks. Ergo: Mars vs. Mars! Which has none of the explosives of Spy vs. Spy. And the wrong kind of predator for Alien vs. Predator.

Although there's mounting evidence of Rooks, well, mounting Carrie, there are also inconsistencies. But Veronica reconsiders Rooks' innocence when she notices parts of Carrie's story that couldn't have been falsified. Carrie had actually been passing her bestie Susan's story off as her own, to get justice for what Rooks did. And hate to break it to you, Carrie, but your schemes only get more outlandish and unsuccessful when you move to Manhattan. Though your wardrobe vastly improves.

Meanwhile! Veronica and Logan follow leads in Lynn's disappearance, to no avail. The investigation takes a big hit, when they discover video footage of a bridge jumper that was likely Lynn. But then Veronica gets an alert that Lynn's missing credit card has just been used...

How many Trips to the Dentist did I take? (drink count) 8

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends:

Veronica remembers overhearing Carrie totally trash her relationship with Duncan. Carrie also throws in a rumour about Duncan being legit cray cray.

File Under Lilly Kane's Murder:

Veronica finds Abel Koontz's records when she's looking into Duncan's medical history. She pays Koontz a visit, to let him know that she's onto him: Abel knew that he was dying when he confessed to the murder. He's just a willing scapegoat.

Life on Mars:

Speaking of those doctor files, Duncan's mystery illness turns out to be type IV epilepsy, which includes symptoms of uncontrollable fits and blackout memory loss. And Veronica's not-so-mysterious illness is her tenacious pursuit of the truth, which motivates all sorts of unethical behaviour, including using (and then falling) for Leo. To which the deputy replied:

HOW COULD WE NOT?!

MVP (Most Marshmallow's Valuable Player): Keith

Veronica may have sarcastically referred to giving Keith a Father of the Year trophy, but he really does deserve one -- esp. since he seems to be the only good father in all of Neptune. Try as Keith did to persuade Veronica to drop the case, he also knows that there's no stopping her when she puts her mind to do something. (Though pretty much everyone knows that by this point.) So he let her make her own mistake, and he didn't rub it in her face afterwards. Which must be really tempting to do as a parent, since kids do SUPER dumb things.

And extra pants to Keith for appealing to my dorky sensibilities. When Veronica blue herself: "Honey, you don't have to get all blue in the face." And then when she accuses him of being patronizing: "To be fair, I am your patron."

Best Reminder That It's 2005 (That Hasn't Been Replaced by Something a Smartphone Can Do):

It's cellphone related, but naivety of the school board regarding texts. Oooh, just you wait until whatever people use Snapchat for.

And the Snark Award Goes To...: Veronica

Discussing Weevil's proficiency in auto shop:

Neptune Cameos:

Adam Scott as Mr. Rooks

The answer is NO, we are not having fun yet with your TERRIBLE HAIR. And also character toolishness. But mostly the hair.

Leighton Meester as Carrie Bishop

Song for a Spy's Soundtrack: "Tulips" by Bloc Party

MARS INVESTIGATIONS, CASE 1x15: "Ruskie Business"

So many cases this week! First, Veronica and Logan trace the alert on Lynn's credit card to a hotel room in L.A. When the guest finally emerges, it's only Logan's awful sister Trina, who raided her stepmother's belongings to go on a spending spree. Like seriously, based on who we met in the pilot, who could have predicted that Logan would be the most well-adjusted person in his family? Also: scary.

Veronica's also helping Meg track down her secret admirer. Meg has narrowed it down to two guys on the assumed-basketball-because-they're-Wallace's-teammates team: Caz, a total dudebro, and Martin, a shy guy that she's not attracted to. (But Caz, she'd be fine with, because they'd look good together? GREAT JUDGMENT, MEG. I'm totally biased by future-hate. Spoiler alert.) Meg also happens to be a terrible detective -- the show ain't called Meg Manning for a reason -- because her secret admirer is really Duncan, who's supposedly got imagination with picking out floral arrangments. (So THAT'S where he's been hiding that personality!)

And finally, over at Mars Investigations, Veronica's conducting a routine search for a Russian lady's lost love. When she fails to find him due to the unfortunate combo of his name and profession (actor Tom Cruz), Veronica persists because it feels nice to do something good for change. If only actor Tom Cruz wasn't in Witness Protection because Russian Lady's mob family has a hit out on him. OH DANG. Luckily, Keith and Leo lure the mobsters into a trap. Mission totally possible!

How many Trips to the Dentist did I take? (drink count) 7

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends:

Just very brief ones -- Veronica and Duncan at a previous spring dance, and Meg on the bus. (FORESHADOWING. But not really.)

File Under Lilly Kane's Murder:

No new clues!

Life on Mars:

Once again, Wallace proves himself to be the best FF ever, because when is he ever not? (Hint: JACKIE.) This time around, he's the best for rummaging through gyms bags for Veronica. Also featured on the friend front is not Mac Meg, at least until Duncan comes along to ruin everything. Plus: Duncan was just teasing his friend and Meg's ex about how chaste she is. And yet still not the worst romantic decision Duncan has ever made.

When Meg and Duncan get together at the '80s dance, Veronica is all sadfaced. A sadfaced Manila Whore Barbie, but still sadfaced. Which is when Leo arrives to cheer her up! As a 20-year-old at a high school dance, but it's still sweet. And he rocks the '80s gear much better than Duncan does, because EWWWW Duncan's everything. (P.s. Stop looking at Duncan wistfully, V. Don't you realize who you're with?!)

And also: Veronica finally realizes who's been calling her without saying anything -- her mother. She rushes off to find Lianne in a bar, insistent that they can't be together for Veronica's safety... just as Clarence Wiedman leaves the bar.

MVP (Most Marshmallow's Valuable Player): Logan

It's not Logan at his best, but certainly his most vulnerable to date. This also marks the first time that Veronica hears of Aaron abusing Logan. (Between this, Veronica's rape, and Carrie's albeit wrongful allegations, this town sure has a victim-blaming mentality. And are there no social workers in all of Neptune?)

Logan also tries to drink until his tears taste like love. (Yes, that was double deliberate.) Trina has to take his inebriated self home, but not before he wang chungs tonight.

And honourable mention for Keith, who totally studied up on a Russian word to use during the bust.

Best Reminder That It's 2005 (That Hasn't Been Replaced by Something a Smartphone Can Do):

Veronica refers to Ashton Kutcher and Teen People in one fell swoop. One no longer produces content; the other, you only wish would follow suit.

And the Snark Award Goes To...: Wallace

When Veronica laments the difficulty in finding the missing actor: "Tom Cruise? Not as good a private eye as I thought."

Neptune Cameos:

Alyson Hannigan as Trina

Uhh, I guess it's nice that she got to play against type. But WILLOWWWW, why must you be so unpleasant?

Zachery Ty Bryan as Caz

He isn't even the fictional Tim Allen son you want to see. NEXT WEEK, Y'ALL.

Song for a Spy's Soundtrack: "True" by Spandau Ballet

ARGH I actually love pretty much any incarnation of "Time After Time", but it was playing during DUNCAN AS DUCKIE. Bleh.

MARS INVESTIGATIONS, CASE 1x16: "Betty and Veronica"

Neptune High's mascot Polly the parrot has been stolen, and Vice Principal Clemmons turns to our girl detective for help. Veronica goes undercover at rival school Pan High, posing as Betty from Riverdale. (SRSLY!? No one at Pan High caught that?!) The rivalry escalates when Pan High's goat mascot gets stolen in retribution. (Why do both schools have a livestock allowance? Because mine only had a poor schlub in a mascot costume.)

The Polly theft turns out to be an inside job. With the avian hostage situation forcing Wallace to sit out the game, backup point guard Jack would be able to manipulate the game and make a killing off of his bet against his own heavily-favoured Neptune team. Also, this mystery seems much sillier in print. And it was already pretty silly to begin with.

How many Trips to the Dentist did I take? (drink count) 2 -- abysmally low but also appropriate, given Lianne's trubs with the drink.

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends:

Flashbacks -- but not the fun kind, since they're all of Veronica's recent reunion with Lianne. Look, I know that alcoholism is a serious problem and all that, but it's not like Lianne is addicted to shitty parenting. Though you wouldn't know it from her actions. (Again: future-hate. Getting ahead of self.)

Anyway. Lianne was actually with Jake at (what's thought to be) the time of Lilly's murder. And in a room at the Neptune Grand, no less. Thankfully for our vom reflexes, Lianne only wanted Jake to stop Celeste from contacting Veronica. By threatening to conduct a paternity test. The results of which Lianne is unsure of herself.

Before she heads back to Neptune, Veronica empties her college savings to pay for Lianne's rehab. Ugh, and this is where I can't help but know the future, which makes it all so much sadder.

File Under Lilly Kane's Murder:

Veronica sweet talks Leo into getting her the interrogation tapes from murder investigation. (Y'know, Leo might not be that great at his job, given how easily persuaded he is.) Jake and Celeste both claimed that they were at the Neptune Grand together, but some v. awkward interrogation from Keith (including the phrase "making love" -- shudder) shows that their stories don't quite match up. And now it appears that Celeste may have been blackmailing Lianne not only to keep Veronica's paternity a secret, but also to preserve her and Jake's alibis.

And since it couldn't have been a coincidence that Clarence Wiedman found Lianne at the same time that she did, Veronica searches her room for his bug. Instead of obeying her initial instinct to destroy it, she turns the bug against Wiedman (using a bug of her own) and learns the identity of Abel Koontz's beneficiary for being a patsy: his daughter, Amelia DeLongpre.

Life on Mars:

Ummm, see everything else that's already been mentioned? But also, Veronica has Weevil's phone number memorized -- besties! As for her real bestie, Veronica is smelling like teen spirit for Wallace's sake. And she moved her locker to be closer to his! SUCH A MARSHMALLOW. Oh, and a perfectly good date with Leo gets ruined by Duncan and Meg on a double date with Celeste and Jake. (And they just went to the dance together! Slow down, Crazy. SLOW DOWN.)

And Meg's still all confused why they just can't allllll get along. Even without being privy to the sordid paternity uncertainty, Meg should still know that 1) Veronica dated Duncan, and 2) Veronica's dad suspected Duncan's of killing Lilly. Plus -- Meg, you just started dating Duncan. At least give Veronica a little time, yeah? This comes off harsher than how I feel about Meg (at this point in time, anyway), but the more I think about it, the worse it sits with me. Furthermore: MAAAAC, where are you!?

MVP (Most Marshmallow's Valuable Player): Wallace

Lots of much-deserved love for Wallace in this episode! And for Percy Daggs III, for the very brief bit of basketballing that he did. But I also kind of liked Pan High. (And Richie! Much like Lilly Kane, I apparently love all the guys on this show.)

Best Reminder That It's 2005 (That Hasn't Been Replaced by Something a Smartphone Can Do):

Veronica booked her flight to Barstow over the phone. How quaint. Next thing you know, she'll be going to some sort of agent that specializes in travel.

And the Snark Award Goes To...: Wallace

In response to Veronica needing a weird favour, without any questions asked: "Isn’t that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?"

Neptune Cameo:

No one new! But here's another photo of Deputy Leo. I know my constituents.

Song for a Spy's Soundtrack: "Fall Behind Me" by The Donnas

I was undecided for a song, until I saw this video and was like, "YES. For Megan."

That's it for this week, Marshmallows! Come back next week to talk "Kanes and Abel's", "Weapons of Class Destruction", and "Hot Dogs". NO BIG DEAL.

Welcome back to the YA Movie News Roundup, where a whole messa stuff has been happening. Let's get to it!

Shailene Woodley is having a big news week! True Blood's Sam Trammell (Sam Merlotte on the show) is playing Woodley's dad in Josh Boone's adaptation of the John Green novel The Fault in Our Stars. Joining Trammell and Woodley are Laura Dern as Mrs. Lancaster and Ansel Elgort as Gus. 

Below is a handy graphic detailing Woodley's domination in the YA book adaptation field. 

Also, she cut off all her hair! In honor of Hazel from The Fault in Our Stars, she donated it to the Children With Hair Loss foundation and wrote a long, lovely post about why she did it. And I'm happy to report that, naturally, she looks fantastic. 

Finally, Woodley and Miles Teller of The Spectacular Now filmed a Don't Talk PSA for my place of business, the Alamo Drafthouse. It's 100000x cuter and more charming than it has any right to be. Watch it!

In non-Shailene Woodley news (yes, we have some!), Sally Draper will play Catherine Dollanganger in Lifetime's Flowers in the Attic remake! While I think Kiernan Shipka can do much, much better, this casting has assured my viewership (which was already trainwreck-assured, but now it's Kiernan Shipka Rules-assured). 

New Katniss photo!

Lauren Graham's book Someday, Someday Maybe (FYA review here) has been picked up by The CW as a new series, and that makes sense because Graham's show Gilmore Girls (read our rewatch here) is part of what helped The CW thrive in its younger days. 

Behold: the new Twilight complete Blu-ray box set, which...looks expensive.

Fallen, from Lauren Kate's bestselling YA series, has been picked up by Lotus and Mayhem for an upcoming film adaptation.

Speaking of YA film adaptations (I mean, this whole column has been speaking of them. That is the point.), here's a list of YA books that haven't yet been adapted but should. I've heard of exactly one of those titles. I bet you can guess which one. 

Matthew Quick, the author of Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock, fantasy casts his own book now that the Weinsteins have nabbed the rights. I haven't read this book, but I support Dane DeHaan in literally every movie. 

And finally! The trailer for Vampire Academy. It looks, you know, high-energy. 

BOOK REPORT for The Boy on the Bridge by Natalie Standiford

Cover Story: From Russia With Frostbite

BFF Charm: Roger Murtaugh

Swoonworthy Scale: 5

Talky Talk: Let's Get Personal
Bonus Factors: Study Abroad, Leningrad

Relationship Status: Foreign Fling

Read the rest of the review at our series on Kirkus for a reminder of why we heart Natalie Standiford so much.

Follow along the whole rewatch here!

Last week, on Gilmore Girls...

We've arrived at Week 17 of our Gilmore Girls Rewatch Project, and that means we've reached one of the single greatest episodes of this show or any other: "They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?" In fact, all three of these eps are all-timers, so let's hop to it, shall we?

But first! A reminder of our drinking game rules: 

The Gilmore Girls Drinking Game Rules

Drink once every time:

Lorelai or Rory drinks coffee.

Emily gets flustered by Lorelai's bizarre sense of humor.

Sookie is controlling about food.

Paris is controlling about anything.

Michel snubs a customer.

Luke is crotchety.

Taylor has an absurd scheme for Stars Hollow.

The girls acquire massive amounts of food and then fail to take even one bite.

Drink twice every time:

Kirk has a new job.

You see a town troubadour.

Emily gets a new maid.

You see a moment from the credits.

On to the episodes!

3.07 "They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?"

It's the annual 24 Hour Dance Marathon For Charity To Buy A Tarp To Cover The Bridge in Stars Hollow Festival! You know, I love when we hear in later seasons that all of these seemingly random fests are annual, meaning that we simply didn't see the past few marathons when Lorelai came so close to besting repeat champion Kirk. It makes me feel like Stars Hollow is always bustling with activity, even when we're not here to witness it. Lorelai has been searching for a partner all over town, but when her latest conquest's wife sees a picture of her and decides that Lorelai is too pretty to partner with her husband (and seriously, Lorelai is SO PRETTY in this episode, she and Rory both are - the 40s hair and dresses and false eyelashes really suit them), Rory agrees, under duress, to be her dancemate.

The dance marathon is a big deal, and it seems as if everyone in town is participating in one way or another, all decked out in full USO attire.

Lane and Mrs. Kim are making eggless egg sandwiches on bone-dry bread (and passing out pamphlets warning that dancing leads to eternal damnation). Taylor and Miss Patty are emceeing and judging. Luke is providing coffee, also under duress, but once he sees how KNOCKOUT GORGEOUS Lorelai looks, he doesn't seem to mind so much. In fact, he sneaks Lorelai and Rory their very own thermos after they make these faces when they hear the coffee isn't ready upon their 6am arrival.

As Lane is serving the Jesus-approved but godforsaken sandwiches, who walks in but Dave Rygalski? He tells Lane he's missed her and she and I both die a little, and then Mrs. Kim walks over, entirely prepared to disapprove when Dave instantly disarms him with his wholesome charm. He compliments her on the eggless sandwiches and casually drops that his parents are at bible study, and Mrs. Kim is a goner. Lane can see what he's doing for her, and she melts. We all melt.

Sookie and Jackson are also there (Sookie looks gorgeous, herself), and Sookie confides to Lorelai that Jackson told her last night he wants "four in four" - four kids in four years. Lorelai wisely declares that this is insane, because IT IS, and Luke weighs in that having even one kid is insane. Sookie tells Jackson, who acts like the hugest crybaby about it. I can't even stand Jackson in this episode. He whines and pouts and yells and acts like Sookie's feelings about children are totally irrelevant. Apparently offscreen he calms down and behaves like a gentleman, but since we don't actually see it, I choose to continue being annoyed with him. 

I'm taking too long to get to the good part, aren't I? Sorry.

Dean is sitting in the stands to cheer on Rory and Lorelai, and Jess is sitting in the stands to stare at Rory in between making out with Tree Floozy. Rory is becoming increasingly jealous, although she pretends it's something other than jealousy she's feeling, and Dean can't help but notice, although he's doing his best to ignore it. In Hour 23 (with Kirk and his tiny partner still hanging in there like champs), the heel of Lorelai's shoe breaks, and she takes one of her emergency time-outs to ask Luke to fix it. As he glues it back on, he brings up Sookie and Jackson and says - and it's very clear here that he wants to make sure Lorelai knows this - that he wouldn't mind having kids with the right person. Lorelai, still looking like the most incredible babe I've ever seen, gives him some eyes, and I LOVE IT. Gif of the hotness downstairs. 

But while Dean holds the weary Rory up in Lorelai's absence, she begins to behave even more thoughtlessly. She's really awful here, guys. I give her a pass: she's 17, and she hasn't slept in 24 hours, she's slap-happy from dancing for a full day on only eggless egg salad, and did I mention that she's 17? It's not a great age for being considerate to boys. She is so blatantly obsessing over Jess to Dean, and then she and Jess start yelling at each other as if Dean and Tree Floozy aren't even there. Dean finally, FINALLY mans up, and dumps Rory in front of everyone. It's not a nice way to do it, but she certainly deserves it.

She runs off to the bridge, and Jess meets her there. I really like this scene between them - any time Jess drops the act, I'm into it. Watch it below, because I fear my words won't do it justice.

"I have to go take care of something then." Pretty great. (Though granted, not for Tree Floozy.)

Finally, Lorelai returns from her break to discover that Kirk has won the competition once again. As she starts to wail and gnash, she sees Rory crying her way across the dance floor. The episode ends with Kirk's victory lap and Rory sobbing in her mother's arms.

How many times do I have to drink?

9.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

4.

Flirtation quota:

Lane and Paris both get their own little sections here, as Dave is so incredibly sweet to Lane and her mom, and Jamie arrives at Chilton to tell Paris he hasn't been able to stop thinking about her since their date in D.C. Rory's two besties are finally getting their own gentlemen admirers, and those hot, smart ladies completely deserve it.

As for Rory and Lorelai? Only gifs can adequately express the planet-erupting impact of their flirtations this week:

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

I love this whole exchange regarding Lorelai's original dance partner, Stanley. Lorelai: "Apparently, Miss Patty showed his wife a picture of me, and she thinks I look like Elizabeth Taylor, which makes her Debbie Reynolds, and Stanley Eddie Fisher." Rory: "That's crazy!" Lorelai: "Especially if you’ve seen Stanley. He’s no Eddie Fisher, trust me. Fisher Stevens, maybe."

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

We hear that this whole baby discussion started while Sookie was cooking coq au vin. 

Also? BEAUTIFUL.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

No sartorial madness this week, since she spends most of the episode in the prettiest dress I've ever seen, so let's just take another minute to reflect on how lovely she is. 

Kirk insanity:

Every year that Kirk wins, he takes an exhausted victory lap around the dance floor to the theme song from Rocky. Also, I repeat: 

Michel madness:

No Michel this week, which is too bad because we all know Michel loves to dance. Why hasn't Lorelai ever asked him to be her partner? He's in such great shape, too. I'm confident he has the stamina for it. (dirty!)

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

Lorelai, worried that Jackson's going to kill her over this four-in-four thing: "Sookie, he’s a produce man. They’ll never find the body, but the squash will be especially chatty that year."

Random observation:

So why is this episode so good? Of course, there's all the swoony boy stuff: Luke and Jess and Dave and Jamie all proving themselves to be duly in love with the remarkable women of Gilmore Girls. But beyond that, it's really just a perfect episode of television, striking a singular balance between quirky fun and emotional depth. The ep boasts fantastic costumes and makeup and set design, it's filmed almost entirely in one location and it's the perfect Stars Hollow townie scenario, filled with moments of hilarity from Babette and Morey, Miss Patty, Taylor, Mrs. Kim, Kirk and Andrew, all alongside our principal players. Dean finally stands up for himself, and it feels good to witness it. Also it's the first episode directed by Xanadu, Dirty Dancing, Ferris Bueller and Newsies choreographer Kenny Ortega! He clearly proved his mettle with this episode and went on to direct a dozen more.

And finally, this: 

"They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?" is pretty clearly the Internet's favorite episode of Gilmore Girls, as well, because there are straight up hundreds of gifs available. I could do this all day, but alas, we must move on. 

3.08 "Let The Games Begin"

Rory and Jess are awkwardly trying to kick off their relationship under the watchful eyes of Lorelai and Luke. Luke is SO excited about those two getting together, and while Lorelai is obviously less so, she's trying to be supportive. "Rory's seventeen. It's probably about time for a Jess." She knows what's up, and Luke is pretty cute about making sure that Jess doesn't get Rory into any trouble, letting him know that he'll always be watching. As they're upstairs in his apartment, finally thawing the ice and about to kiss, Luke proves his point by storming in before their lips land. Snogblocker!

At Friday night dinner, Richard takes Rory aside and invites her to Yale for his Whiffenpoofs reunion. Lorelai is incensed that Rory's being manipulated into visiting Yale, but Rory tells her that she's joining him of her own accord. At first the four Gilmores have a lovely time together, as the elder two take an unbelievably precious walk down memory lane (we learn that Richard was a lothario and Emily a homewrecker), but it soon becomes clear that Richard does, indeed, have an ulterior motive. He springs an appointment with the admissions officer on Rory, and all three Gilmore gals are mad. Lorelai's furious for all the usual reasons. Rory's furious that Richard surprised her instead of giving her ample time to prepare. Emily's furious that Richard ruined a perfectly good day with their daughter and granddaughter. Lorelai and Rory leave Yale in a taxi for Stars Hollow after a particularly brutal argument between Lorelai and Richard - although Lorelai takes a second to flinch when Emily points out the proximity of Yale to Stars Hollow.

They head to Luke's afterwards, and Rory and Jess both leave the diner under different pretenses. Luke assures Lorelai that he's all over this situation, until Lorelai points out that Rory and Jess are certainly making out somewhere at that very moment. Luke is stymied - and Lorelai's not wrong. 

Jess is pretty cute after what looks like an entirely great kiss: "Well, whatever else happens between us, at least we know that part works." Rory admits that it was wonderful, but then runs off - straight to Dean's, where she climbs up the tree and knocks on his window like a lunatic. She apologizes very sincerely, but it still bothers me (although I think it's a realistic way for a 17-year-old girl to behave). She wants his forgiveness right away when he needs and deserves space. She can't stand the idea that Dean's mad at her, even though moments ago she was making out with Jess. Dean continues to impress me by standing his ground, and when she tells him she hopes that one day he won't hate her anymore, he replies, "I hope so too," and closes the window. Go Dean!

After Rory promises a needy Lorelai that she'll give her all the details tomorrow - and I like that Lorelai wants Rory to know that even though she prefers Dean to Jess, she doesn't want Rory to feel like she has to keep Jess a secret - they both get in their separate beds, and in separate rooms, each start browsing Yale brochures. 

How many times do I have to drink?

12.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

6.

Flirtation quota:

Well, Richard and Emily are awfully cute as they reflect back on their Yale days: "I did not steal your grandfather, I simply gave him a choice." "When you showed up at my fraternity party in that blue dress, I had no choice." aww. 

And I kind of love how shy and uncomfortable Rory and Jess are around each other at first:

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

Once she learns that Emily "stole" Richard from Pennilyn Lott, his first fiancee, Lorelai calls her "the Helena Bonham Carter of the society set."

Sookie's best dish of the episode/Michel madness:

No Sookie. No Michel. 

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

Of course she wears her most obnoxious shirt to Yale to show her parents who's boss. 

Kirk insanity:

After behaving in an insufferably smug manner about his big dance marathon trophy, someone steals it. Or as Kirk puts it, "Someone took her!"

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

When Rory's trying to ascertain whether Lorelai's going to be nice to Jess now that they're dating, she asks: "Now, let’s say he’s in the house and there’s a fire, and you can either save him or your shoes - which is it?" Lorelai: "That depends - did he start the fire?" hah!

Random observation:

I think Richard was in the wrong, but mostly for the reasons Rory listed - of course she would have agreed to it if he'd asked her to do it, and she would have been prepared and would have prepared Lorelai, as well. (And I'm proud of Rory for standing up for herself the way she did.) And Richard says some terrible things to Lorelai during this fight - but Lorelai is being far too stubborn about Yale. She's so clearly bucking against it simply because it's what her parents wanted for her, and that's an unreasonable and immature way to behave when it comes to her daughter's future. And, oh, that scene with Rory and Richard on the bench, as he fondly reflects on the time little Lorelai stole his Yale diploma and pretended it was hers - I just wish he'd been upfront so the entire day could have been that sweet, instead of ending with everyone angry and hurt. And, as always, Edward Herrmann is magnificent in this episode. He elevates every episode he's in.

3.09 "A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving"

It's Thanksgiving! Lorelai and Rory are already planning to squeeze in three celebrations when Emily drops by the inn and masterfully manipulates Lorelai - who's been avoiding her parents since the Yale incident - into attending her party. That's right - FOUR Thanksgivings. How will the Gilmore gals ever eat that much food? If that is a question you asked yourself while watching, I welcome you to your very first episode of Gilmore Girls. "This is what we've been training for our whole lives," Lorelai tells Rory.

While shopping for supplies, Lorelai runs into Dean at Doose's. It's awkward at first, but she's really sweet to him, telling him how much she appreciates what a great boyfriend he was to Rory, and that she wants to remain pals. "Just because you and Rory broke up doesn’t mean we did." Dean's really pleased to hear it, and the whole exchange warms my heart. 

On to the Thanksgivings! 

Thanksgiving One: at Kim's Antiques. Dave Rygalski - a proper Christian boy who just happens to play hymn guitar accompaniment when he's not studying, as far as the approving Mrs. Kim knows - is there to slowly (sloooowly) set the foundation for a relationship with Lane that they won't have to hide from Mrs. Kim. The girls eat tofurkey and sing songs, while Dave sneaks in the first few chords of "The Man Who Sold The World." Afterward, Lane chases him to "return" "his" bible that he "accidentally" left behind (a bible with the inscription "This bible belongs to God, but is being used by Dave Rygalski." Oh, how Mrs. Kim loves him), and she expects him to be annoyed with the charade. Dave isn't annoyed. Dave is wonderful. And Lane? Lane has her first kiss!!

DAVE RYGALSKI!!!

Thanksgiving Two: at Sookie and Jackson's house. Sookie is VERY unhappy to discover that Jackson is about to deep-fry the turkey. Sookie maintains that one does not deep-fry a turkey - that's for donuts and fries and fish. But all of the random rednecks Jackson has for some reason assembled for the occasion don't agree. (These rednecks include Badger from Breaking Bad, by the way! His first IMDB credit.) They're chanting his name as he storms out, all triumphant, and Lorelai's not wrong when she says "It's like Thunderdome in here."

When Lorelai and Rory stop back by later, Sookie has learned to deal with the deep-fried turkey - and deep-fried vegetables, and deep-fried mashed potatoes and butter and pickles and salt and napkin, as well as her broken salad bowl that she brought back from Belgium - by partaking of a liquid Thanksgiving. 

Drunk Sookie is my spirit animal.

Thanksgiving Three: at Luke's. This is the best Thanksgiving. At first Lorelai and Rory try to bow out of Luke's celebration after they're roped into Emily's, but when Luke shows the tiniest, cutest bit of disappointment, they immediately change their minds. They're so touched! He makes everyone wait for their arrival, which is so precious, and Lorelai and Rory get the table of honor next to Luke and Jess. Lorelai tells Luke his dinner is the main event, and even though she says the same thing later to Richard, I'm more inclined to believe her here. 

Rory's being quite reserved around Jess, afraid of flaunting their kisses in front of Stars Hollow and everybody (namely Dean). Jess, while certainly less concerned, seems cool enough with her decision - but Lorelai and Babette both give Rory crap for the lame little pecks she's giving Jess. Rory's just not sure how to deal with this whole second boyfriend thing, but she'll figure it out. 

Thanksgiving Four: at Richard and Emily's. This is the worst Thanksgiving. (Although John Aniston, father to Jennifer and Days of Our Life's Victor Kiriakis, is there!) Richard's being a little chilly, but Emily's making up for it and everything seems like it's going to be fine when an unsuspecting guest asks Rory where she applied other than Harvard. Lorelai is shocked (stupidly so) to discover that Rory wasn't arrogant enough to ONLY apply to Harvard, and of course she completely wigs out like an utter child when Rory admits that she also applied to Yale, among other schools. Lorelai throws a fit in front of everyone and storms out, and at first Emily tries to smooth things over with her until she tears up and says, "You can’t even let Rory have one piece of our lives, even if it’s her choice. You hate us that much." It's really sad, and I am so exhausted with Lorelai here. GET OVER IT. 

She admits later, as she and Rory walk back to Luke's for coffee, that she knows she's being unreasonable, so at least that's something. But jeezy chreezy, there's unreasonable, and then there's Lorelai.

At Luke's, Lorelai does a little light flirting while Rory follows Jess outside to give him a REAL kiss. She lays a pretty hot one on him then runs off, as is The Rory Gilmore Way, when Jess turns around to discover Dean, looking stricken. But not for long - Dean follows Jess and tries to pick a fight with him, which Jess wisely avoids because he knows Rory would hate it. I give Jess full credit here, but I also don't blame Dean, who's had to put up with Jess' taunting for months. "This is my town. I’m not hiding. And I don’t have be remotely calm around you anymore, and I like that feeling. I like it a lot. Happy Thanksgiving, Jess." 

I hate to say it, but I kind of love Stone Cold Dean. 

How many times do I have to drink?

12.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

4.

Flirtation quota:

Rory and Jess are still in that early-relationship cuteness, but I most love Luke and Lorelai here. He just really, really wants her at his Thanksgiving celebration, and she adores him for it.

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

The girls open the episode by watching the documentary Grey Gardens. I think their insights are pretty telling. 

Lorelai: "Something beautiful about them though. They’re cool, they’re free."

Rory: "Yeah, and they’re memorable. Most people are very forgettable. And they’re happy."

Lorelai: "They had their cats."

Rory: "And their raccoons."

Lorelai: "And their pretty house."

Rory: "And each other."

Lorelai: "Add a few years and they’re us."

Rory: "Yeah...yeah."

Lorelai: "Yeah."

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

Guys, we've been in a real Sookie Deliciousness draught. It's freaking THANKSGIVING and she doesn't cook anything. Is she depressed? Should we get her some help?

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

I super hate the shirt she wears to all the Thanksgivings. It's this brown, sheer, sparkly, embroidered, one-button thing, and the sleeves are tight until the elbows when they open up into breezy forearm wings. UGH.

Kirk insanity:

Aww, Kirk got a new cat. His name is Kirk. (Cat Kirk. As opposed to Human Kirk. So it doesn't get confusing.) Cat Kirk hates Human Kirk. Cat Kirk derives greater power from water. Cat Kirk likes Human Kirk to announce his presence before entering a room. Cat Kirk has covered 60% of Human Kirk's body in scratches. Cat Kirk drives Human Kirk to sleep in the safety of the gazebo. 

Michel madness:

He most gleefully witnesses Sookie's meltdown ("like butter on a skillet") as she has to leave the Independence Inn's kitchen in her assistant's hands for Thanksgiving. 

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

Rory, going over the Thanksgiving grocery checklist with Lorelai: "Tums?" Lorelai: "You mean amateur pills?"

Random observation:

Oh, I've already made it. GET OVER IT, LORELAI. I mean, I know she will soon, but her behavior at Emily and Richard's is just appalling. Do you actually want to make your daughter feel guilty for applying to several Ivy League schools to cover her bases? She already felt like she had to keep it from you because she knew you'd flip your lid over it. And honestly, Emily said it best: do you really hate your parents that much? 

-- 

So there we have it! Three fantastic episodes this week, my friends. Next week we've got "That'll Do, Pig," "I Solemnly Swear" and "Lorelai Out of Water," so meet me back here next Wednesday morning!

And I leave you with a question, dear FYA readers: Dave Rygalski or Seth Cohen? DAVE RYGALSKI OR SETH COHEN??? And another: am I the only one who likes Dean better this week, now that he's not being such a wimp?

Hey everyone! It’s me, Caroline. Let's get this PLL party started!

Hanna

Man, I really hope that the storyline with Hanna’s mom resolves itself soon, because it’s totally in character and accurate that Hanna would just be screaming at everyone, but it’s not really enjoyable to watch. Anyway, the Liars are trying to figure out if it was, in fact, CeCe who was sleeping in the crawl space before the topic switches to Hanna, who tells the girls that her mom has met with a bunch of other lawyers and they’re all terrible. She yells at Spencer to make her mom take the case again and Spencer has to explain that her mom doesn’t want to compromise Ashley’s defense. Lt. Tanner interrupts them to tell them that they found a muddy shoe in the wreckage at Emily’s place that matches the prints at Wilden’s crime scene and says that she knows the shoe isn’t Emily’s mom’s. Hanna leaves to go throw up lunch or breakfast or whatever meal they were just having.

We all need to take a minute to appreciate what is going on with Aria’s torso.

Spencer tells Hanna not to freak out, but freaking out is Hanna’s thing this season. Spencer says that A is acting out because Mona screwed up the plan to have Ashley framed. They need to put CeCe on Lt. Tanner’s radar, so Emily, Aria and Spencer will investigate the crawl space while Hanna goes shopping with Mrs. DiLaurentis in preparation for the hoedown that Rosewood High is having.

Hanna has herself a little cry by her locker and sees a guy watching her. After Caleb tells her that her mom ordered him to take her to the dance, she opens up her locker and sees an envelope full of money from Diva Dash with a note saying that the money might help her mom. She sees the same guy watching her and she confronts him later after she sees him again at the Brew.

His name is Travis, and he asks her to dance at the hoedown. Hanna resists until Travis explains that Wilden had called him to tow his car out of the lake on the night he was shot. He saw Ashley drive away and then heard the gunshots and saw a girl running through the woods. He panicked and ran and his truck showed up later at his dad’s garage with the envelope full of money, probably to keep him quiet. Hanna tells him he has to go to the police, but apparently his dad and Wilden had bad blood between them (Is there anyone Wilden got along with?) and he’s worried about making his dad look guilty. Hanna eventually convinces him to give a statement to Tanner, but she seems pretty skeptical.

Emily

Emily’s printing out her recommendation from Rumer Willis when Paige comes in. Paige can tell immediately from the recommendation that Rumer was into her and Emily insists that she wasn’t, continuing Emily’s theme this season of missing blindingly obvious signals about people being into her. They talk about the dance and Emily says she’ll let Paige know if she’s going. She goes to see Fitz to ask if the recommendation is TOO glowing and he snaps at her about how some people have real problems. Uh, yeah, like how Emily has no chance of getting a swimming scholarship and a car broke her house? He apologizes and tells her that Maggie left with Malcolm and asks her not to tell Aria, because he wants to tell her first. Oh, Fitz, that is not how best friends work, especially in high school.

She and Aria are hangin’ out under the DiLaurentis house, and Aria is grumbling about Spencer being late because she has the best flashlight. Emily mentions that Aria should call Ezra because he’s going through some stuff. They hear a noise that turns out to be Spencer and find a button.

She really does have the best flashlight.

The girls hear another noise and get confirmation from Hanna that Mrs. DiLaurentis is with her. Someone jabs the world’s longest knitting needle into the holes that Emily really should have told Mrs. DiLaurentis about. Em decides she can’t stay in the house, so Spencer is helping her pack when a bottle of nail polish sends Emily into what might be the first ever flashback of Ali being a good friend. Ali’s telling her to dump her boyfriend because she can do better. When Emily says she doesn’t want to hurt him Ali tells her to stop taking care of everyone but herself. Ali offers to break up with him for her and mentions she’s done it for lots of people, including a friend whose boyfriend ended up pulling a gun on her. Emily tells Spencer about the flashback and wonders if maybe the guy was Wilden and Ali was breaking up with him for CeCe.

The next scene is CeCe, in her very own lair! She’s on the phone asking someone where they are and saying she’s not waiting there forever. Her lair has a red coat, pictures of everyone, but mostly of Ali, along with a bunch of different kinds of tape and some ribbon. She’s the Martha Stewart of blackmail!

Em goes to the hoedown with Spencer and Toby and sees Paige there with some other people. A little later on, Em asks Aria if she’s spoken to Ezra. She starts in with her blah blah blah Jake moving on business and Em tells her that Ezra is losing Malcolm. Aria goes off to talk to Fitz and Em looks for Paige and sees Red Coat instead. She gets Spencer and they run outside after Red Coat. They steal the hayride truck and Spencer’s having trouble driving it when Em sees something rustling in the hay. They get out of the truck and she grabs a hoe and goes to town on the hay. They only find the red coat.

Sometime later, she’s back inside when she sees Paige and tells her she wants to dance with her. They win the award for Line Dance that High School Kids Are Most Likely to Know How to Do.

As close as Emily gets to hat hair.

Spencer

Spencer gets the best lines of the episode, probably as restitution for being trapped in the Toby storyline. A stuck a CD of Toby’s mom singing Any Time in his truck. He wants to call Dr. Palmer and Spencer insists that Palmer isn’t a reliable source. He still says he’s going to visit Palmer and Spencer tells him she’s going snooping with Emily and Aria and not coming with him. A sends Toby a text with an address and a picture of Palmer’s old car. The Liars confront Spencer about her weird behavior and she finally tells them about Toby’s plotline. At the hoedown, she lets it slip to Toby that she told the girls about his mom. He’s furious and says that the text will be the last helpful text he ever gets. Spencer thinks that might be for the best and says that keeping his secret meant that she had to choose between him and her friends. Toby says that she chose them and storms off. Yeah, sorry, Toby. You tend to choose your lifelong besties over your high-school boyfriend who was sneaking around and blackmailing you for a few months.

I just thought you guys should know that skinny-jeans overalls are a thing that exists.

She finds Caleb and asks him to follow Toby because she’s worried that A’s setting him up. Caleb finds Toby trying to break into Palmer’s car and a police car drives up, because of course A was setting him up. The guys seem to get away. And will hopefully now listen to Spencer.

Aria

Jake sort of pops up out of nowhere in the school parking lot to ask if Aria needs a ride home and to offer her the name of a lawyer for Hanna’s mom. She says Ashley already found a lawyer, for some reason, even though she didn’t, and then invites Jake to the dance.

He’s got that unstable chipmunk look.

Aria runs into Crazy-Eyed Ezra at the Brew and he’s about to tell her about Malcolm when Jake shows up. Aria introduces them and Ezra gets gone fast. Jake has some savant’s ability to guess shoe sizes and bought Aria cowboy boots, which he helps her try on right in the middle of the place where people eat their food.

Let’s not pretend Aria wouldn’t wear this on a regular day.

Aria and Jake have the world’s longest dance break at the hoedown, which I guess you have to do when Jake was in one of the Step Up movies (Or more than one of them? I haven’t seen them). Jake sees Ezra watching them and goes up to speak to him about their teenaged girlfriend, 20-something man to 20-something man. He tells Ezra to give Aria some space so she can move on.

After Emily tells Aria Fitz’s situation she finds him and apologizes for not answering his calls. Ezra says he has no right to be invading her life with his problems. Aria LOVES being involved in other people’s problems, so she shows up at Ezra’s apartment. He again insists that he doesn’t want to drag her into his mess but she says she isn’t leaving. Ugh, so this is happening again. CeCe is peering in the keyhole and listening in.

In the tag, A is knitting a tiny sweater for a voodoo doll. There’s one for each of the Liars and Mona and A stabs an unseen doll with a knitting needle.

What’d you guys think of this episode? Was an entire high school being expert line dancers more or less realistic than the Tippi the Bird storyline? Is CeCe trying to cause trouble or maybe trying to solve Ali’s murder? Has Lt. Tanner had it up to here with the shenanigans in Rosewood?

BOOK REPORT for Kindness for Weakness by Shawn Goodman

Cover Story: Why Even Bother?
Drinking Buddy: Break Out the Pruno
Testosterone Level: What Are You Lookin' At?
Talky Talk: Hopelessness
Bonus Factors: Diversity (unfortunately), LGBTQ
Bromance Status: When You Say Bromance...

Cover Story: Why Even Bother?

Seriously. Now we're not even doing the huge teen faces, but the back of a teen's head. Hell, I can't even tell if that's a teen. Is he morose because his girlfriend left him? Worried about the future? On the run? Hell if I know. Cover designers aren't even trying anymore.

The Deal:

Fifteen-year-old James has a shitty home life (how many YA reviews start off with that sentence?). He idolizes Louis, his body-building older brother and wants to help him with his business. His 'business' of 'delivering' 'goods' to his 'customers.'

On his second day on the job, James is arrested with several large packages of meth and thousands of dollars in cash. When Louis sees what's going down, he pulls a Sir Robin and leaves James to his fate. While the cops realize James is just a patsy, he refuses to name names, and ends up sentenced to a year in the roughest juvie facility in the state.

James is not cut out for prison. While he's not a great kid, he's not a bad kid either. He reads, he has dreams, he wants a better life. So how is he supposed to survive in a world where only strength is respected, and kindness is often mistaken for weakness?

Still, he does manage to make friends. Tony, the tough guy who's about to get out. Freddie, the shoplifting clothes horse. Mr. Sampson and Mr. Eboue, the guards who actually see something in the kids.

But this is prison. There are bullies, cruel guards, and a system that doesn't care. Can James survive his twelve months in this hell?

Drinking Buddy: Break Out the Pruno

(pruno is alcohol they make out of ketchup and stuff in prisons)

James is a likeable guy who is in way, way over his head. The only guidance in his life comes from his idiot brother, and Mr. Pfeffer, his kindly English teacher who is not allowed to visit. James now must make some difficult decisions: does he stand up to a prison bully and risk getting in trouble, or toe the line and risk getting beaten? Does he befriend Freddie, whom the thuggish guards hate? Does he join a gang for protection? And how closely do you follow the prison code of silence?

James will do a lot of growing up this year. Maybe he'll finally decide what he wants out of life, which sure as hell isn't this.

Testosterone Level: What Are You Lookin' At?

In James's new world, people (and this includes most of the guards) respect only one thing: brute strength. Any sign of weakness, any sign of being submissive, and you're dead. Only the strong survive here. Life in the prison is brutish and cruel.

And yet, there's beauty there too. When James earns extra privileges, he asks Mr. Sampson, the guard, to teach him weightlifting. Mr. Pfeffer has not forgotten about his old student (unlike his brother) and sends frequent letters.

But James also is at the mercy of the sadistic guards, gangs and bureaucrats who hold absolute sway over James's fate. It's entirely possible he won't survive this hitch.

Talky Talk: Hopelessness

Even though James comes to realize what a jackass his brother is, he never blames him for his incarceration, or tries to excuse what he did. But like most of his other fellow inmates, James doesn't have a lot to hope for. Once he gets out, will he just go back to his alcoholic mother and her junkie live-in boyfriend?

Most of the prisoners have utterly given up hope. It's not a question of if they'll come back to jail, but when. Privileges are hard won and easily lost. The guards take pleasure in punishing kids for minor infractions, and beating them if they protest. After all, who's going to believe a claim of brutality from a junior criminal? No one is escaping to Mexico via the sewer system in this novel.

This book is such a downer, Goodman actually apologizes for this in the author's note. Unfortunately, a lot of young readers will be able to relate to this sort of life.

Bonus Factor: Diversity (Unfortunately)

Well, we were complaining about a lack of diversity in YA, weren't we? While this book does do a good job of reflecting the broad racial spectrum of the US penal system, it's kind of a bummer.

Still, this was actually one of the more colorblind YA books I've read. I honestly had no idea what James's race was until Freddie refers to him as 'white brother' around page fifty. And race is not the only diverse thing about the prisoners. There are the urban gang bangers, the angry young poor kids, the addicts, the good kids, the head cases who belong in a mental ward, and everyone else that slipped through the system.

But they all do have one thing in common: they're poor. Rich kids don't go to places like this, even if they're criminals.

Bonus Factor:  LGBTQ

Freddie, the kid who was busted for stealing an expensive suit, is more or less openly homosexual. He's also the first friend James makes in jail. While Freddie's sexuality is pretty much a non issue with James, it's not so with some of the other inmates. A lot of them do not like gays, and if James keeps hanging around with him, then that's going to paint him pink. Worse, some of the guards have it out for Freddie because of his sexual orientation, and have already started making cracks about him and James.

So what's friendship worth in a place where kindness counts for jack? James has to decide whether to stand up for a buddy or to just do his own time.

Bromance Status: When You Say Bromance...

While I never want to experience this book again, but I'll never forget the lessons I learned. I won't go back. You can't make me.

Disclosure: Delacorte sent me a free copy of this book, but neglected to include a file or any cash.

Title: Safety Not Guaranteed
Year: 2012
Fix: Indie Comedy With A Scifi Twist

Netflix Summary:

A team of journalists are dispatched to find out who's behind a classified advertisement seeking a companion for time travel, with payment on return. After tracking down their oddball prey, the team has to decide how best to approach their subject.

FYA Summary:

Darius is a woman who’s never fit in, not in high school, not in college, and especially not in the “real” world. When she takes an internship at Seattle Magazine, she’s conscripted into an investigation of the author of a classified ad looking for time travel partners with Jeff, a self-centered writer and Arnau, a meek fellow intern. What the three discover—about the author and themselves—is much more than they could have ever anticipated.

Familiar Faces:

Aubrey Plaza as Darius

Darius is a misfit, a lost soul and totally snarky. Aubrey, as illustrated by her previous roles (such as April on Parks and Recreation and Julie in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World), does extremely well at playing this type of character.

Jeff Garlin as Mr. Britt

Jeff has a minor role in the movie as Darius’ dad, but is definitely one of the most recognizable faces of the cast, from his having acted in shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm and Arrested Development.

Mary Lynn Rajskub as Bridget

Bridget is the snooty editor of the magazine … and that’s about it. Mary Lynn’s talents, as showcased most notably by her role as Chloe on 24, definitely weren’t put to the test in this role, but she pulled her few scenes off with aplomb.

Nick Miller Jake Johnson as Jeff

I found myself swinging between wanting to make googly eyes at Jeff and wanting to punch him in the face. That’s not a bad thing, however. In the few things I’ve seen Jake in (New Girl, Drunk History, this movie) he plays a very similar character. So much so that I’m now pretty sure that he basically plays himself at all times. And I love it.

Mark Duplass as Kenneth

Kenneth is the nutty (or just misunderstood?) author of the classified ad. His earnest belief in his ability to time travel is endearing, and Mark’s portrayal of a man who’s both completely paranoid and yet trusting is spot-on. You might recognize Mark from The Mindy Project or The League.

Jenica Bergere as Liz

Liz was Jeff’s high school girlfriend, and even though Jeff initially sees the way she’s changed as for the worse, she’s actually pretty dang awesome. I want to be Liz’s friend, and I’m hoping that Jenica is equally as sweet. Previously, Jenica had roles in The Faculty and The Drew Carey Show.

There’s another very familiar face who has a bit role in the movie, but I loved the moment of “Ha!” that happened for me when she appeared, so I’m going to stay mum on who it is. Let's just say ... we used to be friends.

Couch-Sharing Capability: Medium

This one could go either way. I watched it with my husband, and we enjoyed it together. But I could see it being a perfect movie to watch by yourself on a rainy day, while curled up underneath a cozy blanket.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: Low

As with many independent comedies, this movie takes a higher level of concentration than most. I am a light weight, so even one glass of wine might have made me miss something important.

Use of Your Netflix Subscription: Very Good

Safety Not Guaranteed is sweet without being cloying, funny without being idiotic, smart without being over my head and an all-around enjoyable film.

Guys. I tried. I REALLY did. I thought my love for Dance Academy could overcome all of Camp's flaws, because seeing Sammy and Abigail's beautiful faces was enough.

And then the show went and got rid of Abigail.

Even if it's just temporary, this is a transgression I can never forgive. Especially because I just lost half of my motivation for watching. And also, WHY WOULD YOU GET RID OF ABIGAIL? YOU FOOLS!!!!!

So I hope you enjoy (?) my final analysis of a Camp episode, and I humbly ask all of you to triple your prayers to the Netflix Gods so we can get Dance Academy Season 3 in the States, thereby giving me another (and far, FAR better) excuse to talk about Sammy and Abigail.

Camp Awesome

- Sammy's cute little opening sequence.

- Buzz actually saying something not awful and even funny! "But his hats make me angry. Did he bring a suitcase full of hats to camp? Because it's different every time." And then later, "Hey, is that your hiking fedora?"

- Sammy refusing to slut-shame Abigail. Because Sammy is the best person in the world.

- Grace as The Wedding Planner. Girl can be fierce, and I like it.

- Christian acting extra douchey. Like, I'm not sure what that heart fist bump peace sign thing was but YES.

- Christian dancing at the wedding. FINALLY!!!! Marina, you couldn't wait TWO MINUTES for him to finish those sweet moves? UGH.

 - No Miguel in this episode!

- Sammy and Marina kissing!! Yay! I'm glad that was my final moment with the show.*

Camp Terrible

- Everyone slut-shaming Abigail. SHUT YOUR PIE HOLES, BISHES.

- The gay bacholer party. When Raffi said, "I feel like I should be offended, but this is everything I've ever wanted," I was like, NOPE, you should just be offended.

- Camp trying to teach us all a lesson about the validity of gay marriage and then cutting away right when the gay kiss happened. REALLY, SHOW? Another reason that I am DONE WITH YOU.

- As I already mentioned, ABIGAIL IS LEAVING?!!!!!!

Camp WTF

- So Cole is considered for a job as an assistant baseball coach for a COLLEGE TEAM after years of hanging out as the camp handyman? Seriously? At least the show didn't expect us to suspend our disbelief enough for him to actually get it.

- Casey the Blonde Bartender. I mean, what was that? Because it certainly wasn't acting.

- Why is Roger the lead singer of the wedding band?

And thaaaaat about wraps it up. Feel free to leave your comments/rants/WTFs in the comments section so we may bitch discuss further.

For those of you who will continue to watch the show, godspeed. I'll see you when Abigail is back in pointe shoes.

*I'm pretending that I didn't watch the trailer for next week, which tries to scare us into thinking that Marina is preggo.

BOOK REPORT for Scorched by Mari Mancusi

Cover Story: Hot Mess
BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk: He Said, She Said, He Said
Bonus Factor: Dragons, Superpowers
Anti-bonus Factor: Love Triangle
Relationship Status: Bonded Pair

Cover Story: Hot Mess

Someone please alert that woman that while she's standing there looking fierce, her dragon seems to be destroying things behind her

The Deal:

Trinity Foxx is a pretty typical teenager, at least on the surface. Look a little deeper and you'll see an orphan who struggles daily to keep her grandfather and herself afloat, whether it be paying the bills with money from after school jobs or taking over the managerial duties of her grandfather's (failing) fossil museum.

When her grandfather gets involved in yet another crazy scheme—this time, spending the money that was supposed to go to save the museum on the world's last surviving dragon egg—Trinity is about to give up. Until the military men in the big black SUV and the strange, pale guy with futuristic gadgets show up, that is, and Trinity realizes that her grandfather's crazy might not be so crazy after all.

Prefer a visual explanation? Check out the Scorched book trailer, below:

(Dun-dun-DUN!)

BFF Charm: Yay

Even with the ridiculous name, Trinity is an awesome girl. She's dedicated and loyal, and keeps her wits about her when she's forced into situations that drastically change her life and her view of reality. Plus, she's "fire kissed," which means she's been chosen by a dragon to become paired with, and dragons are freaking sweet. I'd hope that by being BFFs, I'd get to ride it on occasion.

Swoonworthy Scale: 6

Being on the run from a sketchy military organization, "protected by" (i.e. being held prisoner) by a cult-like organization and often not being able to figure out which one of a pair of twin brothers you're talking to would take a toll on anyone's love life, but Trinity is a teenage girl, so she makes a valiant attempt at engaging in swoonage.

Connor and Caleb, the twin brothers who are both, at different times, savior and captor, are similar in that they're both dedicated to their respective causes but are able to make adjustments when certain truths are revealed, but different in the manner in which they carry out their tasks, at least at the beginning of the book when Connor is more pragmatic and Caleb is more volatile. They're both sweet, genuine guys (plus they're hot, natch) and by the end of the book, their personalities kind of meet in the middle. I don't envy Trinity at the eventuality of having to choose between the two. (I'm not entirely sure that this is the start of a series, but it has the feel of one.)

Talky Talk: He Said, She Said, He Said

In Scorched, we hear the thoughts of and see through the eyes of all three of the main characters (Trinity, Connor and Caleb.) Mari Mancusi does a great job of differentiating between the boys and Trinity, but as the twins' characters progress, it gets a bit harder to tell who's who by the end unless we're specifically told. On the flip side, I do appreciate an author who can create a new lexicon (slang, curses, etc.) without it feeling completely foreign and confusing.

Bonus Factor: Dragons

Seriously, guys. There are not many creatures, fantastical or real, that are cooler than dragons, and the dragons in Scorched are some of the best I've read about. They're intelligent, loyal, playful and gorgeous (massive) creatures who can breathe fire and fly—and will sometimes take you on rides. Sure, they can be dangerous, but the pros totally outweighs the cons in this case.

Bonus Factor: Superpowers

None of the characters can fly (without the aid of dragons) or Hulk-out when they get angry, but certain individuals in Scorched have something called the "spark," which gives them some pretty awesome mind powers. And on occasion, those are more helpful than the ability to punch through walls.

Anti-bonus Factor: Love Triangle

The Trinity/Connor/Caleb business is not the worst example of a love triangle I've ever read, but there's serious foreshadowing of a situation that could end badly, depending upon which twin's team you're on.

Casting Call:

Isabelle Fuhrman as Trinity

My initial thought was to cast Anna Kendrick as Trinity, since the girl on the cover sort of looks like her, and Anna would rock the role (I might just have Anna on the brain), but I should really try to get away from casting people in their late 20s as 16-year-olds. So, I went with Isabelle Fuhrman, who actually is 16, and a pretty fierce actress in her own right.

Graham Phillips as Connor and Caleb

The only real physical difference between Connor and Caleb is the color of their eyes, which could easily be changed by using contacts, and we all know (or should know) how well one person can play different characters, so I'm choosing Graham Phillips to play both twins. I can’t remember ever seeing him in anything, but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that he could play both personalities, plus, with his coloring, he'd look good in Connor/Caleb's typical attire of dark T-shirts and jeans.

Christopher Lloyd as Grandpa Foxx

Grandpa is an absent-minded professor sort with an inner fire that comes out when necessary. I think Christopher would be perfect in the role. (I mean, he’s done it before ...) Plus, he's kind of adorable, in a grandpa sort of way.

Relationship Status: Bonded Pair

Dragons, mind powers, kickass heroine and hot twins? Book, you had me at hello. Regardless of how many times I complain about series, I'm actually really hoping you turn into one so that we can have more adventures together. Plus, I still want that dragon ride.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a free review copy from Sourcebooks Fire. I received neither snickerdoodles nor money for this review (dammit!). Scorched will be available Sept. 3.

Adorable and thoroughly depressing illustration by Tina Kugler

Earlier this year, the Cooperative Children's Book Center (CCBC) released its annual statistics on multicultural children's books. And as you can see from above, the news is not good -- and sadly, not suprising in the least. (I mean, hellooo -- that's why we're having a whole series on diversity in YA.)

But even more distressing is the lack of progress, as highlighted by Lee & Low Books in a must-read post. Over the past eighteen years, multicultural content has only comprised around 10 percent of the total children's books being published each year. EIGHTEEN YEARS. 

Keep in mind that this is only since the CCBC started keeping stats. There are literally generations of readers whose reading options haven't improved from a diversity standpoint. And guess what! 2013 is shaping up to be more of the same. 

In fact, the CCBC breakdown by race is even showing a decline of diversity in children's books! Here it is in visual form (and with a rather unfortunate automatically assigned colour scheme):

I don't expect the exact same numbers from year to year (that'd be another problem altogether) -- which is far different from what I want to see, i.e. upward trends -- but really!? We're going backwards now? Was anyone honestly feeling that white, middle-class, non-denominational, heterosexual characters without disabilities were being underrepresented?* 

*Yes, the statistics say nothing about income, religion, sexuality, or disability. But somehow, this is one assumption I'm OK with making.

So why the heck is this still happening? This very topic has already been eloquently and expertly addressed in that Lee & Low post (seriously, just read it.*), and a lot of the theories relate back to acquiescing to the status quo. 

*Or finish reading this, and then read that. I don't know your priorities.

One group that definitely refuses to settle is First Book, a nonprofit organization that launched The Stories for All Project to "dramatically expanding the market for diversity in children’s literature". And efforts from diversity advocates like First Book and Lee & Low can only help to lessen the disparity between fiction and reality. But then again, how much worse can it get? (On second thought, don't answer that.)

2010 CCBC data was used in order to match the last U.S. Census, because I'm a stickler for statistical accuracy.

Now, the comparison above may be a bit misleading; I don't mean to imply that there should be target quotas, or that people only want to read about characters that share their own heritage. But even ignoring all human and empathic rationale -- isn't this just bad business sense? Are publishers that susceptible to the myth that multicultural books don't sell? When deciding between books of similar quality, would they rather oversaturate the market than stand out with something different? Everyone's always trying to find the Next Big Thing. Instead, how about they look for That First Big Thing that everyone else is trying to emulate?

Another problem that's mentioned in the Lee & Low post is the lack of writers of colour, for which the CCBC has also kept statistics.

So, good news: the numbers are generally pretty steady, save for the recent dip in books by African-American authors. But bad news: everything else! While the percentages aren't decreasing, they're not increasing, either. And books by writers of colour have comprised no more than 7.4% of the books reviewed by the CCBC in any of the years shown above.

While the path for writers of colour aren't always the easiest, as pointed out in that oft-cited Lee & Low article (as well as in author May-lee Chai's contribution to this here series), I also wondered about what's being done to encourage more writers of colour. And I'm not talking about the trying-to-get-published writers, although Lee & Low holds annual contests for them, too. 

This is about to veer dangerously into generalization zone, but it's something I've observed to be true in the very small sample size of my life. Not a single one of my Asian friends or high school classmates majored in English. And despite English having been one of my favourite subjects* and me clearly loving to read, I chose a degree that barely had an English requirement. 

*Though to be fair, I was/am an all-around nerd that liked every subject. LEARNING IS FUN, YOU GUYS. Well, at least outside of university, it is.

Heck -- even when I had the temporary life goal of being a journalist, I still thought it was impractical as an eleven-year-old. OK, maybe given the state of print media today, Tween Me had a point. But the overall theme here is that writing was never considered as a feasible career in my upbringing. (Which: obviously untrue, since there are many phenomenal writers of colour -- some of whom we've featured on this site.)

Would I have chosen differently if it had? Uh, probably not. (But for a litany of reasons, with the most persuasive being that I would not be a phenomenal writer of colour. Writing -- writing well -- is hard, y'all.)

But every child, regardless of circumstance, should at least feel like they can work towards being anything they want. And when those young readers and writers see someone just like them who's been able to make it... well, it gives them hope that they will, too. 

Is that so much to ask for?

For even more opinions on CCBC's findings, check out what Book Riot, Jezebel, The Mary Sue, NPR, and author Tanita Davis had to say.

Time Magazine once described Lisi Harrison's writing as, "Like Sartre with lip gloss." (Which is pretty much one of the coolest compliments ever.) Harrison, as many of y'all know, is the author of The Clique series, and she's back with a new series, Pretenders!

Here's the official blurb:

It’s the first day at Noble High, and the freshmen are assigned to keep a journal throughout the year.  No one will read these journals.  It is a private place for them to record their feelings.   But big secrets are revealed when the journal entries of the five most popular students, also known as the Phoenix Five, are exposed by an unknown source:

I’m not exposing them because I’m jealous or want revenge.  I am doing this because I am tired and I know you are too.  The success bar is too high, and pretending has become the only way to reach it.  Instagrams are filtered, Facebook profiles are embellished, photos are shopped, reality TV is scripted, burgers are stuffed with pink goo, body parts get upgraded like software, and even professional athletes are cheating.  The things we believe in aren’t real. Everyone is a pretender.
The proof is in these pages.

What secrets could Sheridan, Lily, Vanessa, Duffy, and Jagger be hiding within the pages of their journal?  With Lisi Harrison’s trademark wit and pitch perfect dialogue,  Pretenders transports readers to the highly sensitive microcosm of high school.

And you can dive straight into those journals right now with our exclusive reveal of the first few chapters! Because you weren't planning on doing any real work on a Friday, were you?

Pretenders will be released on October 1st!

Happiest of Fridays!  The week is nearly over and we have plenty of internet to tide us over.  Onward!

Book Related Things

40 trashy books totally worth reading!

Awesome and unique bookshelves that are making me jealous.

Teenreads.com has put together an ultimate reading list, as a resourse for schools and for anyone just looking to expand their TBR.

Movie Related Things

MOST IMPORTANT THING ON THE INTERNET.  THE BOOK THIEF MOVIE TRAILER.

What is UP with that awful voice over?  At least the rest of it looks good so far.

Wait, WHAT?  Ben Affleck as BATMAN?!

Check out this interesting piece on “strong” female characters.

Some interesting things you may not have known about The Princess Bride.

The images for the Hunger Games Cover Girl line are gorgeous, buuuuut yeah.  (The actual themes from the book just seem to be lost these days, don’t they?)  Oh, well.  Here’s Johanna Mason looking amazing.  And looks like Natalie Dormer will be joining the cast for Mockingjay.

Remember Cher’s virtual reality closet in Clueless?  It only took twenty years, but it might finally become a reality.

And YA author Matthew Quick might see his novel Sorta Like a Rock Star turned into a movie.

TV Related Things

September 13th!  Mark your calendars!  The Legend of Korra Book 2 releases!  Also, new trailer!

Congratulations to The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, which picked up an Emmy!

And in the works at the CW: a Fame-like drama (produced by Debbie Allen!), an adaptation of Lauren Graham’s book, and something called Ladyballs.

Orange Is The New Black paper dolls!

Miscellaneous Things

This week, the internet let us believe that *N Sync would be reuniting.  And then Lance Bass crushed our hopes and dreams.

Have you ever wondered what men would look like with fancy hair?  Well, the answer seems to be...good yet bizarre.

Want to support the development of a role-playing game about women’s access to choice in Texas?  Well, now you can!  (And bonus.  One of its creators is an FYAer friend!)

And that’s all for this week.  Be sure to share your finds in the comments below.

A few weeks ago, marketing and publicity manager Hannah Ehrlich stopped by our diversity series to talk about publisher LEE & LOW's book cover decision process. And since we were on the topic, I just had to ask Hannah about some popular cover trends (looking at you, Big Face!). We're also joined by Stacy Whitman, editorial director of LEE & LOW's speculative fiction imprint, TU BOOKS. 

OK, so as grownups who often have to brandish terrible book covers in public, we at FYA feel very strongly about some of these cover trends [shown above]. Can you enlighten us on the possible publisher motivation behind these? And since there's a trend, that must mean they work, right? Are we all just Roger Murtaughs, i.e. too old for this shizz?

HANNAH EHRLICH: As a YA-reading adult ("adult") myself, I too have felt the judging eyes of fellow subway riders staring at my reading choices. I do think age makes a difference, especially in one big way: adults almost always prefer abstract covers while many teens like photographic covers. Since teens hate being told what to do, it is surprising that most don't mind photo covers that tell them exactly what characters look like, but then again, since that's what's trending right now, maybe they just put up with it, same as adults.

HANNAH: A lot of the trends you mentioned tend to have a very dramatic, cinematic look - many capture a particular moment when something is about to happen or in the middle of happening - and maybe that has something to do with their success.

STACY WHITMAN: As far as covers go, publishers are always looking for what will catch a teen reader's eye, the fresh look. So when the trend was headless bodies back in about 2006, when we were putting together the covers of the Hallowmere series by Tiffany Trent at Mirrorstone, close-ups of faces felt fresh because they stood out on the bookshelves next to all those cut-off body parts.

I do think that in some ways, adults *are* too old for some covers--i.e., we're not the target audience--but also, covers, like all art, are also subjective. And trends happen--we were ahead of the curve on the just-faces thing (at least this time around) when I was at Mirrorstone, but designers and editors also look to other books and other art out there to see what looks fresh and to take inspiration from them, so we also tend to see certain ideas trending over time.

HANNAH: I can't speak much on each particular trend as our covers tend to be a little different, but I will say that there is no magic formula for publishers for creating a cover that sells books. There's usually a general pull in one direction (like right now photographic covers are big) but beyond that, basically what it usually comes down to is: what other books are like this one? What do they look like, and how did they sell? It also has to do with what booksellers, especially from big chains like Barnes & Noble, are asking for. They see what leaves their shelves, and they ask for more books that look like those.

Ultimately what I'd say about these trends is that yes, they work, and the books often sell, but it's not obvious whether they work because readers are actually responding to the designs ("oh! I LOVE books with floating bodies on the cover") or if they're picking books up because they look like other books they've liked ("oh, I loved Imaginary Girls so maybe I'll like this other book with a girl creepily floating in the abyss").

STACY: As far as specific trends go, it's hard to say. There are conventions within the book world that say "this book looks like a YA book" as opposed to something for adults or younger readers, and it's a fine line to walk to be sure that book buyers, particularly those who work at bookstores and know what their customers expect to see, will be willing to order a particular book. I've had several excellent design proposals from designers in the past that I've ended up having to turn down because it didn't make the book look *enough* like a "YA book." The book has to look different enough to stand out, but not so different that it won't look like it's a part of the age range or genre it's meant to be a part of. Otherwise, readers will pass by a book, thinking, "That's not for me."

The dress trend, though, I think is a pretty simple explanation: many teen girls LOVE pretty dresses. Think of what the highlight of your high school years is supposed to be--the prom. Think of all the girls who have been dressing up as princesses ever since they discovered Disney, and the romanticizing of the fairy tale, including all the pretty things to wear. It's a very common teenage girl thing to love pretty dresses. Certainly not all teen girls do, but there is an audience that will see a girl in a gorgeous dress on the cover and think, "Wow, I want to read about that!" I have to admit, I would have been one of those girls, had I been a teen when this trend was happening. It promises a fairy tale in the pages of the book (though as your commenter on a previous post with Hannah said, sometimes what the cover promises and what the book delivers aren't quite the same thing). But covers are a marketing piece, and if they get the reader to pick up the book and want to know more about what's inside, they've done their job, at least in one sense.

STACY: Of course, that doesn't address diversity issues as far as covers go--especially if a whitewashed cover sends a certain message that alienates readers of color or doesn't advertise to readers of color that herein is a story that reflects them--but in general, the cover is a piece of marketing art, the same as a billboard or an ad in the subway. The cover's purpose is to say to a reader, "This book is for you." That some covers succeed more than others is the great challenge for publishers. It's a never-ending process as tastes and fashions change.

Thanks for stopping by, Hannah and Stacy! Check out the websites for LEE & LOW and TU BOOKS, or find them on Twitter (@LEEandLOW and @tubooks). You can also find Stacy on her writing and publishing blog.

Fellow colleagues-- did any of you see The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones this weekend? If so, step into the FYA lab and join me for an academic discussion of Hollywood's latest attempt to recapture that Twilight box office magic. (Spoiler alert: EPIC FAIL.)

In the spirit of honest research, I have to admit something to you before we begin our analysis. I'm not a fan of The Mortal Instruments books. The premise is intriguing, to be sure, but I didn't enjoy Cassandra Clare's writing style, and the whole potential incest thing was so ridiculous, it was like the Renesmee of the series.

But hey, I didn't like the Twilight books either, and I enjoyed the shizz out of those (admittedly terrible) movies. So at the onset of this experiment, I had low expectations, but I also had an open mind, which is essential for scientific inquiry.

I've organized this analysis into a few key sections so that we may thoroughly dissect the film. Let's begin with:

The Cast

Lily Collins as Clary

Lily Collins is SO PRETTY YOU GUYS. Years ago, I cast her as Frankie Landau-Banks, which is pretty much the highest compliment I could give to an actress. She's turned out to be even more beautiful than I hoped BUT not nearly as charming. The good news is that Clary doesn't need to be anything but pretty and good at drawing runes, and Collins is a master at both. She's also able to act without running her fingers through her hair or biting her lip, so overall, I consider her performance to be solid.

Jamie Campbell Bower as Jace

Jamie Campbell Bower has what I like to call a Cillian Murphy Face. His features seem otherworldly, almost alien, and he's beautiful but in kind of a creepy way. He's like one of those optical illusions where the picture could be two faces or a glass of wine. In certain scenes, I'd look at him and see hotness, but other times, I'd look at his face and see something freaky and decidedly unattractive.

Let's engage in a quick experiment. Look at these photos and try to deduce whether or not JCB is actually hot.

HOT!

CREEPY!

GOD NO. (But please take a moment, in the name of science, to note Simon's six-pack.)

Aside from his shifting attractiveness, JCB is not a terrible actor. I mean, he's a hell of a lot better than RPatz, although I realize that's not saying much. I think his main downfall in this film is his inability to be funny. Dude tries really hard to pull off a dry sense of humor and it just... doesn't work. He's too serious for Jace's swagger, and as a result, his character is kind of a bore.

Robert Sheehan as Simon

I seem to recall liking Simon when I read the books, so perhaps I'm biased, but I thought Robert Sheehan was a good choice. He's cute, but it's easy to understand why Clary only sees him as a friend, and unlike JCB, Robert Sheehan can actually tell a joke.

Jemima West as Isabelle

Holy shizz, y'all, Jemima West is FIERCE!!!!!! I mean, do you see those biceps? Sure, her character didn't have any depth, but who needs depth when you've got a gun show? Her screen time during the fight scenes was abysmally low, but it was enough to prove to me that she would totally win The Hunger Games. I smell crossover potential...

As for the rest of the cast:

Jonathan Rhys Meyers as Valentine: Okay, what was up with his hair? When did evil Shadowhunters become Jedis? Anyway, Meyers chewed the crap out of the scenery, and for this film, that was definitely the right acting choice. Also, the idea that he could be the father of a teenager is just wrong.

Godfrey Gao as Magnus Bane: I'm guessing the director cast Godfrey Gao for his looks because it certainly wasn't for his acting ability.

Cersei Lannister Lena Headey as Jocelyn: She mostly just lies still in this movie, but it was nice to see Lena Heady NOT playing a mega bitch.

Jared Harris as Hodge: Jared Harris, how did you end up here?! Well, with apologies to your acting career, I want to thank you for classing up this joint.

Adaptation of the Book

It's been a while since I read these books, so I have no idea what was omitted or changed in the translation to film. Nor do I care.

But, just like with Twilight, the more ridiculous elements of the novel felt even more ridiculous when amplified on the silver screen. Like, I cringed throughout the entirety of the "Bach was a Shadowhunter" explanation. Seriously, WTF. And that roof garden scene with the flowers blooming at midnight and the cheesy-ass song playing made me sink into my seat like I was watching movie sex with my parents. 1-800-AWKWARD.

Moreover, there were some aspects of the plot that the film didn't successfully develop or explain. The whole Hodge curse thing confused me, and I kept wondering what the hell happened to Isabelle and Alec's parents and did they know Jace as a kid and if so, how could they not realize that Valenine isn't his dad and blah blah blah. Then I remembered that I don't care.

Oh, and fellow scientists, remind me-- in the books, you don't know for sure that Jace and Clary aren't brother and sister until the end, right? I mean, obviously, you know, because it's such a lame plot device, but in the movie, they make it clear from the onset that it's all a lie. Which is a smart move, actually, because otherwise, this film would be even more uncomfortable to watch.

Throwing a Bone to Husbands of Mundie Moms

The filmmakers obviously knew that lots of women would be hauling their reluctant husbands to this movie, and thankfully, they tossed in some elements for the dudes*. The fight scenes are actually pretty freaking awesome, and the demons are absolutely DISGUSTING in the best way possible. When it comes to action, City of Bones far surpasses Twilight (minus that last battle scene in Breaking Dawn Part 2, obvs).

*And by dudes, I mean the majority of the world's population.

On a scale of the first Twilight to The Hunger Games, how enjoyable was this movie?

To me, this movie was felt like one big hot mess. The pacing was off, the acting was sub-par, and the romantic lead kept shifting from an Instrument of Hotness to an Instrument of Creepy. Overall, it was better than the first Twilight movie, but it still took itself way too seriously for a film of such low quality. If Mortal Instruments had embraced the camp, it could have been a fun, fantastical escape, but instead, it tried to support too much weight and ended up sinking as a result.

So, fellow scientists, what was your intellectual conclusion? Please leave your lab work in the comments for further scientific discussion.

Although the first love of most FYAers is the written word, from time to time we all enjoy letting our imaginations take a little siesta and vegging out the good ol’ fashioned way: with a TV show.

The start of every new TV season, however, brings with it more shows than one can feasibly watch in a week—if they need to work, sleep or read, that is—and it can be hard to decide which show(s) to devote precious DVR hard drive space to recording. Don’t fret, though! We’re here to help.

I’m excited to be joined in this mini-series by new FYA contributor Emily, a pop-culture fiend who you’ll certainly be seeing more from soon. But as a brief intro: Emily is thankful she grew up in small town Texas or she might never have had the time to read every The Baby-sitters Club, Sweet Valley High and Judy Blume book published during her childhood. Now, she lives in Austin (oh, big city life), where she watches a lot of television (that mostly revolves around high school students), still makes mixtapes (full of sappy love songs and boy bands), and fantasizes about falling in love with a vampire (with a soul … not a sparkly one).

We hope the following info will help you decide which new shows you’ll make friends with this year—and which shows you might want to avoid when you pass them in the halls.

Name: Sleepy Hollow

Rap Sheet: While on a military mission in 1790, during which he cuts off the head of the dreaded Headless Horseman, Ichabod Crane “dies”—but then wakes up very alive in Sleepy Hollow ... in 2014. Unluckily for him, the Headless Horseman has traveled forward in time, too, and has picked up his nefarious deeds where he left off. In order to stop him, Ichabod partners with new Sleepy Hollow sheriff Abbie Mills.

First Class Starts: Monday, Sept. 16 on Fox

Clique: Tom Mison (Lost in Austen’s Mr. Bingley!) as Ichabod Crane, Nicole Beharie (42) as Abbie Mills, Clancy Brown (Carnivàle, a billion cartoons) as Sheriff August Corbin, John Cho (Star Trek Into Darkness, Harold & Kumar) as Andy Dunn and Orlando Jones (MADtv, Drumline) as Captain Frank Irving.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Bang. It’s a new spin on the same police, detective, law enforcement duos we’ve seen over and over and over again. I, however, enjoy those shows. A little banter, a little time travel, a villain without a head. I think it’ll be entertaining enough to keep my attention, just probably not (intellectually) stimulating in a way that makes a fulfilling relationship.

Mandy—Bang. I, too, love cop dramas, and I would love for this show to stick around for a while—I enjoy the supernatural vibe and the fish-out-of-water premise—but I have a feeling the U.S. viewing audience isn’t really going to connect with it. I do think the tag-team producer duo of Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci (The Proposal, Watchmen, Star Trek) is promising. And John Cho is in it! John Cho is the best.

Name: Hostages

Rap Sheet: Dr. Ellen Sanders is a dedicated surgeon and mom. When she and her family are taken hostage by a group of men who want her to take part in a plot to assassinate the president, she is forced to make a decision that will have dire consequences either way. All might not be what it seems, however, as the head kidnapper is also an FBI agent.

First Class Starts: Monday, Sept. 23 on CBS

Clique: Toni Collette (United States of Tara, Little Miss Sunshine) as Ellen Sanders, Dylan McDermott (American Horror Story, The Practice) as Agent Duncan Carlisle, Tate Donovan (Damages, The O.C.) as Brian Sanders and Rhys Coiro (Entourage, 24) as Kramer Daly.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Marry.  Edge. Of. My. Seat. Love the cast, love the concept, love the trailer. Plus, I have an inside source that says it’s amazing, and that the whole “hostage” situation is just the beginning (which relieved my only fear of this being a one season hit).

Mandy—Kill. I think the trailer looks fantastic … if the show was a movie. Although there might be something more to the premise than the hostage situation and the assassination attempt, I’m just not sure if I want to sit through a whole season to find out what.

Name: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Rap Sheet: After the Battle of New York, the world is no longer in the dark about the existence of aliens and supervillains, and it’s up to the agents of the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division (S.H.I.E.L.D.), led by Agent Phil Coulson (COULSON LIVES!), to keep the peace while the big name superheroes are busy with their own problems.

First Class Starts: Tuesday, Sept. 24 on ABC

Clique: Clark Gregg (the Marvel universe, The New Adventures of Old Christine) as Phil Coulson, Ming-Na Wen (SGU Stargate Universe, ER) as Melinda May, Brett Dalton (Killing Lincoln) as Grant Ward, Chloe Bennet (Nashville) as Skye, Iain De Caestecker (The Fades) as Leo Fitz and Elizabeth Henstridge (The Thompsons—“Twilight meets Tarantino”?) as Jemma Simmons.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Marry. I will follow Joss Whedon to the end of the world (or the hellmouth) and back, just to do it all again. Plus, The Avengers was freakin’ fantastic. What more proof of a good show do you need?

Mandy—Marry. HIS NAME IS PHIL. I left The Avengers not believing for one second that Coulson was actually dead. (I feel very vindicated in my belief now.) I cannot wait to get to watch him on my TV every week. Even though Ming-Na is in the show—she tends to ruin shows for me—I’m super excited about this ensemble and the action that fills in the spaces between Marvel movies.

Name: The Crazy Ones

Rap Sheet: The advertising agency of Roberts & Roberts is run by Simon Roberts and his daughter Sydney. The father-daughter duo have very different ideas on how best to run the business, but often fall back on the elder Roberts’ crazy ways.

First Class Starts: Thursday, Sept. 26 on NBC

Clique: Robin Williams (so many things) as Simon Roberts, Sarah Michelle Gellar (Ringer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) as Sydney Roberts, James Wolk (Mad Men, Lone Star) as Zach Cropper, Hamish Linklater (The Newsroom, The New Adventures of Old Christine) as Andrew and Amanda Setton (The Mindy Project, Gossip Girl) as Lauren Slotsky.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Staying together for the children. Yes, I made up a new category. I want with my entire being for this show to work. I want SMG to finally do something great post-Buffy, and Robin Williams to be in my life weekly for the unforeseeable future.  But I also see that it’s a probably unrealistic dream. Also, I’ve never been on the Kelly Clarkson bandwagon, so there are a few more strikes there.

Mandy—Bang. Some things about this show make me wary, namely the facts that Robin Williams’ tendency to go over-the-top might have gotten to be too much for TV and that Sarah Michelle Gellar really hasn’t done anything good since Buffy. But perhaps two wrongs can make a right in this case?

Name: Betrayal

Rap Sheet: The beleaguered photographer wife of a douchey high-powered lawyer finds herself attracted to another man—who just so happens to be her husband’s rival attorney in a murder case involving a powerful family.

First Class Starts: Sunday, Sept. 29 on ABC

Clique: Hannah Ware (Shame) as Sara Hadley, Stuart Townsend (The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, Queen of the Damned) as Jack McAllister, Chris J. Johnson (Against the Wall, The Vampire Diaries) as Drew Hadley, James Cromwell (American Horror Story, Star Trek: First Contact, loads of other things) as Thatcher Karsten and Henry Thomas (E.T.!) as T.J. Karsten.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Kill. I’ve already got Olivia Pope and Emily Thorne as the current bad asses in my life. I don’t have room for a pushover housewife that’s just going to annoy me even more with every bad decision she makes.

Mandy—Bang. I’m not usually one for this type of show, but something about the trailer has me wanting more. (Perhaps it’s just the Stuart Townsend effect? I tend to enjoy him in things, regardless of how bad they are on the whole.) I’m not planning on giving this a series order on my DVR, but I’ll check it out On Demand while I’m doing my weekend work.

Name: Super Fun Night

Rap Sheet: Three misfit friends, who’ve spent every Friday night in for the last 13 years, decide to take their Friday Fun Night out—and hijinks ensue.

First Class Starts: Wednesday, Oct. 2 on ABC

Clique: Rebel Wilson (Pitch Perfect, Bridesmaids) as Kimmie, Lauren Ash (The Ron James Show) as Marika, Liza Lapira (Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23, Dollhouse) as Helen-Alice and Kevin Bishop (Muppet Treasure Island) as Richard.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Bang. I bless the day Rebel Wilson was brought into my life. Just can’t tell, yet, if she’s that friend I want to follow around every week on the edge of my seat for what she’s going to do next, or if she’ll drive me crazy with too much togetherness. Fingers crossed for a rockin’ good time every Wednesday night.

Mandy—Bang (with a high possibility of morning-after regret). The fact that a show about Friday nights airs on Wednesday bothers me. The fact that Rebel Wilson has an American accent bothers me. The fact that the probability of this show being horribly, horribly awkward bothers me. And yet—Rebel Wilson. I have to check it out.

Name: The Originals

Rap Sheet: A spin-off of The Vampire Diaries (TVD), The Originals centers on Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah, the original vampires, and Klaus’ return to New Orleans, a city which he helped build. The city is not “his” city anymore, however—it’s being run by Klaus’ protégé Marcel—and Klaus must fight to get back his position of power.

First Class Starts: Thursday, Oct. 3 on The CW

Clique: Joseph Morgan (TVD, Immortals) as Klaus, Daniel Gillies (Saving Hope, TVD) as Elijah, Charles Michael Davis (Grey’s Anatomy, Switched at Birth) as Marcel, Claire Holt (TVD, Pretty Little Liars) as Rebekah, Phoebe Tonkin (TVD, The Secret Circle) as Hayley and Callard Harris (Dallas) as Thierry.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Bang. Who doesn’t love a sexy vampire, or wolf, or hybrid (what the heck is a hybrid again?), but I was over most of these characters by the end of this past season of TVD. Yet, my hesitation on the “kill” lies in the fact that I didn’t hate the backdoor pilot they aired this spring. I just want to make sure we’ve all learned that a hot love triangle can only sustain a show for so long … unless it’s REALLY hot.

Mandy—Kill. My opinion’s not really that qualified, seeing as I fell off the TVD bandwagon a couple of seasons ago at the very beginning of the Originals storyline. (DVR issues + getting a bit bored with the show.) But I know that the smarmyness of both Klaus and Elijah was a total turnoff from the get-go.

Name: The Tomorrow People

Rap Sheet: Stephen has long struggled with a sleep disorder and auditory hallucinations that make him feel like—and be treated like—a freak. Until one day when he finds out that he isn’t anything of the sort; in fact, he’s a member of the next level of human evolution, super-humans with special powers who call themselves the Tomorrow People. As such, Stephen must keep under the radar, however, because people like him are being hunted down and killed by a shadowy arm of the U.S. government—led by Stephen’s uncle.

First Class Starts: Wednesday, Oct.9 on The CW

Clique: Robbie Amell (Revenge, cousin of Arrow’s Stephen Amell) as Stephen, Sarah Clarke (The Twilight Saga, 24) as Marla, Peyton List (Mad Men, 90210) as Cara, Luke Mitchell (Home and Away, Neighbours) as John Young, Mark Pellegrino (the US version of Being Human, Supernatural) as Dr. Jedikiah Price, Jeffrey Pierce (Cult, Alcatraz) as Jack, Madeline Mantock (Casualty) as Julie and Aaron Yoo (Friday the 13th, Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist) as Russell.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Bang. Hot young adults with superpowers? Yes, please. Just seems to be missing that spark that’s going to keep me excited week to week, feels a little “been done before.” A little too X-Men-ish, maybe?

Mandy—Bang. I agree that this sounds utterly familiar (and I’m not talking about the 1970s UK version of the show, which I’ve never seen), but I’m still really intrigued. I’m excited to see Mark Pellegrino in it—he plays such deliciously evil bad guys—and I’m always down for a “good (but misunderstood) guys against the government”-style plot.

Name: Once Upon a Time in Wonderland

Rap Sheet: A spin-off of Once Upon a Time (OUAT), Once Upon a Time in Wonderland focuses on some of the other individuals of the magical realms, namely Alice (of In Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass fame). Alice’s stories of her many adventures in Wonderland have landed her in an insane asylum, but she is broken out by her magical mates to adventure another day—and find her lost love.

First Class Starts: Thursday, Oct. 10 on ABC

Clique: Sophie Lowe (The Slap) as Alice, Peter Gadiot (Hot Mess) as Cyrus, Michael Socha (the UK version of Being Human, brother of Misfits’ Lauren Socha) as the Knave of Hearts, Naveen Andrews (Sinbad, Lost) as Jafar, John Lithgow (Dexter, Third Rock From the Sun) as the voice of the White Rabbit and Emma Rigby (Prisoners Wives, Hollyoaks) as the Red Queen.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Bang. Yes, I can be wooed by an amazing trailer, and this one makes me want to live in this world. OUAT has never captured me the way I wanted it to, but this feels like it has a twist that has the potential to suck me in and take me to a new happy place I may want to stay in for a while.

Mandy—Marry. I’ve always wanted to see more of the magical realms in OUAT, so this being set mostly in the other worlds makes me very happy. The Disney lover in me also gets a total kick out the fact that the showrunners (for both this show and OUAT) are mixing classic story characters with Disney ones. Plus, if Michael Socha is half as sassy as his sister, I’m going to have a very hard time rooting for the actual love interest of the show.

Name: Reign

Rap Sheet: Mary, the queen of the Scots, is sent to France to meet and become betrothed to Francis, the future king of France. She soon finds that he's not really that interested in a real relationship with her—and she feels much the same way about him. And, of course, intrigue, secrets and betrayal are the order of the day.

First Class Starts: Thursday, Oct. 17 on The CW

Clique: Adelaide Kane (Teen Wolf) as Mary, Toby Regbo (Treasure Island, young Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1) as Francis, Torrance Coombs (Heartland, The Tudors) as Sebastian, Megan Follows (Heartland, Anne of Green Gables) as Catherine de' Medici, Alan Van Sprang (King, The Tudors) as King Henry II, Rossif Sutherland (King, ER) as Nostradamus, Anna Popplewell (The Chronicles of Narnia) as Lola and Caitlin Stasey (Neighbours) as Kenna.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Bang. Accents, tortured love, royalty. I can only imagine how the story will be butchered, but I don’t watch TV for a history lesson. I watch it for the teen angst.

Mandy—Kill. I’m not typically a stickler for historical accuracies, but this just looks like something out of a poorly researched fanfic. Plus—if you’ll allow me to be superficial for a moment—when the only guys in the main cast I find in any way attractive are the dad and Nostradamus, I’m pretty sure I no longer fit in the show’s target audience.

Name: Dracula

Rap Sheet: The king of vampires heads to the U.S. disguised as Alexander Grayson, an American entrepreneur. While he works his way into the aristocracy with his worldly ways and new ideas, he keeps his true goal—vengeance upon those who have wronged him—always in mind. When he meets Mina Murray, who is the spitting image of his former wife, however, his plans change.

First Class Starts: Friday, Oct. 25 on NBC

Clique: Jonathan Rhys Meyers (The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, The Tudors, Bend it Like Beckham) as Dracula/Alexander Grayson, Jessica De Gouw (Arrow) as Mina Murray, Oliver Jackson-Cohen (Mr. Selfridge, Will & Kate: Before Happily Ever After) as Jonathan Harker, Katie McGrath (Merlin) as Lucy Westenra, Nonso Anozie (Game of Thrones) as R.M. Renfield, Victoria Smurfit (The Clinic) as Lady Jane and Thomas Kretschmann (Dracula (2012)) as Abraham Van Helsing.

Marry/Bang/Kill:

Emily—Kill. In a world full of a new vampire mythology being born every day, if you’re going to do the King of Kings, you gotta do it right. And I just can’t get behind this. What even is this?

Mandy—Bang. Jonathan Rhys Meyers can, at times, overact (*cough*The Mortal Instruments*cough*), but he’s got a way with the smolder that makes my knees weak. I’m intrigued by how this version of the myth will change things, and I tend to overlook the cheese when there’s good chemistry involved—and the trailer hinted at good things to come between Jonathan and Jessica.

Which of these shows are you most pumped to see? Did we leave off any that you’re excited to check out? Let us know in the comments!

We’ll be back next week with our thoughts on some returning favorites.

BOOK REPORT for Starry Nights by Daisy Whitney

Cover Story: Un Livre avec les Bisous, Mais J'adore
BFF Charm: Stuart Smalley
Swoonworthy Scale: 5
Talky Talk: C'est Daisy Whitney
Bonus Factors: Art, Museums, Paris
Relationship Status: Favourite Museum Guide

Cover Story: Un Livre avec les Bisous, Mais J'adore

I don't know if y'all have noticed -- though when you read this book, everyone around you certainly will -- but this is a kissing book and it takes place in Paris. Despite looking suuuuper chick lit-y (even though it's not actually chick lit), I kind of love this cover, cheesy heart and all.

The Deal:

For seventeen-year-old Julien Garnier, the Musée d'Orsay is practically his second home: he leads tours there, and he has all-hours access. But Julien's Ben Stillers, i.e. nights at the museum start getting a little strange when a peach falls out of a Cézanne. (OK, a lot strange.) And this phenomenon isn't just limited to fruit, either: cats, ballerinas -- and a beautiful girl named Clio.

But while some paintings are coming to life, others are, well, dying. They're fading away, and it's not the kind of damage that a restorer can fix. And it's up to Julien and Clio to save the world's greatest art.

BFF Charm: Stuart Smalley

Julien knows all the cool hangouts in Paris, so obvs I'd want to be his friend! He's also fluent in English -- and he does flawless accents, too -- which would come in handy, since the only French I use on a regular basis anymore is macaron or poutine. Plus, Julien has great taste in friends, like the carefree Simon and the eccentric Bonheur.

However, Julien's also pretty down on himself. He's nursing a broken heart, he's struggling at school, and he's feeling like he sucks as an artist, too. Julien's so tough on himself; he's in serious need of hearing that he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggone it -- people like him!

Swoonworthy Scale: 5

Renoir's much sought after (and fictious) The Girl in the Garden arrives at the Musée d'Orsay, and as does the girl in the garden herself, Clio. And y'all, it took me a while to warm up to this romance. I just couldn't get over the whole girl from a painting thing. Which is RIDONCK, since I have no trubs with vampires, ghosts or aliens. And yet people from paintings trip me up? Anyway.

Reservations aside, Julien and Clio are super cute together. They're a bit too lovey-dovey for my liking, but they def. bring le swoon.

Talky Talk: C'est Daisy Whitney

There were only two things I knew before I picked up this book: 1) Daisy Whitney, and 2) Paris (and kissing). But really, the first reason was the only one I needed. Starry Nights is a departure from Whitney's previous books, in both genre and style. And the lighter, happier subject matter is also a much better match with the sunny disposition in her author photo. Plus, author genre-hopping is like one of my favourite book things EVER, and Whitney is just as skillful with modern fantasy as she is with realistic fiction. She breathes magic into every page -- and I'm not just talking about the fantasy element.

Bonus Factor: Art

Julien's love of art deserves a bonus factor all on its own. I'm always envious of people with that kind of passion, because I'm not sure if I feel like that with anything. (Though if last night's tweets are any indication, my passion may very well be the music of my youth.)

Bonus Factor: Museums

Two words: MUSEUM MAGIC. And a few more: A lot of the story takes place inside the Musée d'Orsay, and I always love behind-the-scenes glimpses that the general public isn't privy to. I blame-thank Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Bonus Factor: Paris

Once again, Daisy Whitney proves that she'd be the ultimate travel buddy. I've never been to Paris; while I'd like to go some day, it's actually pretty low on my wish list. But this book has the same effect on me that the opening scene of Midnight in Paris does. As in: NEVER MIND, I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

And how much do I love that this is a book about a French protag set in France!? (Hint: A LOT.) I can learn about the Eiffel Tower and the Champs-Élysée from everyone and anyone, but it's the local experience that I find to be the most appealing.

Casting Call:

So this was a fun Google Image Search exercise. Not a particularly helpful one, since it was mostly populated with Gaspard Ulliel. But like I said: fun.

Pierre Boulanger as Julian

I've only ever seen this guy in the Selena Gomez vehicle Monte Carlo, so he probably knows how to feel sorry for himself. (In the interest of full disclosure, I saw that movie in a theatre, so I too know the feeling.)

AnnaSophia Robb as Clio

Relationship Status: Favourite Museum Guide

You know how some people are so good at conveying their love of something, that they make you love it too? THAT. I could listen to its stories long after the tour ends. This book doesn't need magic to make the paintings come to life; it does that all on its own with its words.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received my free review copy from Bloomsbury. I received neither money nor froyo for writing this review (dammit!). Starry Nights will be available on September 3rd.

Follow along the whole rewatch here!

Previously, on Veronica Mars...

So. What does everybody want to talk about today?

THE OFFICIAL FYA VERONICA MARS DRINKING GAME

Take a drink every time:

•  Someone says "Veronica Mars", even when they know full well who she is and there's no other Veronica in all of Neptune

•  Veronica uses her camera

•  Mars family members hug (Backup counts!)

•  Backup appears (take an extra drink when Backup gets recast)

•  Someone mentions the 90909 zip code or '09ers

•  Someone uses a disguise/alias/fake voice

•  A character, initially introduced as good, turns out to be a baddie (or vice versa)

•  Fisticuffs occur

•  Veronica has a meeting in a bathroom

•  Logan's voicemail greeting is heard

•  A Taser is used

•   Veronica mentions ponies or unicorns

• Season 1 specific: Lilly appears in a flashback (pour one out when it's her corpse)

Onto the episodes!

MARS INVESTIGATIONS, CASE 1x17: "Kanes and Abel's"

It's midterm time at Neptune High, and someone's messing with valedictorian hopeful Sabrina's studying routine. Veronica has not the two shits to give, but she's not about to turn down the cash that Sabrina's offering, either. Although Sabrina suspects her ex Caz, Veronica traces the acts of harrassment back to skeezy dick* Vinnie Van Lowe.

*What? He's a detective. ANd for once, this is not a Casablancas reference.

Vinnie's being employed by the father of Hamilton Cho, Sabrina's academic rival. By trying to provide his son with an advantage over the wealthy and well-connected Sabrina, Mr. Cho has instead cost Hamilton his only chance of attending his dream school. Because life is unfair and Celeste is a bitch. (Well, it's Sabrina's mom that's actually the bitch in this episode. But the thing about Celeste was just reflexive.)

How many Trips to the Dentist did I take? (drink count) 10

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends:

Not quite flashbacks, but Veronica imagines a motive for each of the Kanes.

File Under Lilly Kane's Murder:

Veronica has tracked down Abel Koontz's long-long daughter, Amelia DeLongpre aka the beneficiary of the big ol' murder payoff. Amelia's being stashed at a motel until the settlement papers arrive from Mama DeLongpre. But what she doesn't know is that she'd be giving up a multi-million dollar windfall for a father with only a few months to live. Once again, moral ambiguity bites Veronica in the ass, as Clarence Wiedman manages to track down Amelia and exposes the truth.

With both Amelia and the proof long gone, a dejected Veronica finally learns why Keith suspected the Kanes. While he was questioning Jake and Celeste on the night of the murder, the laundry buzzer goes off. And unlike us common folk, the Kanes do not need to do their own laundry. Except when it's Duncan's soccer uniform... (OK, sure -- Duncan did it! Now go arrest him and spare us his storylines for next season.)

Life on Mars:

I love the constant nods to Veronica's academic prowess. She's studying while staking out Sabrina's house, and she qualified for the scholastic excellence dinner.

Anyway, Logan tries to compensate Veronica for the wild goose chase that was Lynn's disappearance. Veronica, being all noble-like, rips up the cheque. When Logan finds out that Veronica is still looking into Lilly's murder, he's a bit miffed, but later discloses witnessing one of Duncan's violent outbursts. An out-of-control Duncan was trying to strangle Jake... the week that he broke up with Veronica.

MVP (Most Marshmallow's Valuable Player): Keith

Keith's kind of a BAMF, isn't he? When he catches Clarence Wiedman trying to break into the Mars apartment, he just invites the guy inside. And Keith has morals, dammit! He will not be persuaded by your seedy-yet-profitable endeavours, Vinnie Van Lowe!

Best Reminder That It's 2005 (That Hasn't Been Replaced by Something a Smartphone Can Do):

Veronica makes a reference in jest to Josh Hartnett, object of my junior high obsession.

And the Snark Award Goes To...: Veronica

To Sabrina, on what to do about Caz, who proclaims that he'd jump off the roof if she asked him to, "Ask him to jump."

Neptune Cameo:

Ken Marino as Vinnie Van Lowe

Y'all, I cannot believe it took this long for us to meet Vinnie Van Lowe! Nostalgia made me believe that he (and Lamb) appeared a lot more in Season 1 than they actually did.

Song for a Spy's Soundtrack: "Private Eyes" by Hall & Oates

You guyyyyys, I not-so-secretly love cheesy '80s music. But if you don't feel the same, try "Dragonfly" by M. Craft.

MARS INVESTIGATIONS, CASE 1x18: "Weapons of Class Destruction"

Veronica receives the thrilling journalism assignment of looking into the frequent fire drills. But she discovers that Neptune High has totally been getting bomb threats, complete with an omnimous countdown website.

Her lead suspects are potential bomb bros, Norris and Ben. But Ben turns out to be an undercover ATF agent out to get Norris, who's just an undercover connoisseur of Japanese nerdery and taut blondes. (And, like, were it not for the fact that he once hospitalized a kid and other extremely important events that occurred: Norris is kind of hot, right? Shallowly speaking, of course, which is my main form of communication. Neptune is an insanely pretty town.)

But the real culprit is Norris' neighbour and former bullying victim, Pete the tech wiz. He was totally trying to frame Norris for the bomb threats, had Agent JTT Ben not gotten to it first.

(And I'll get to that other thing in a sec, but did anyone else get suuuuper excited just at the sight of Veronica's outfit? That scarf! That jacket! Those lips won't know what hit 'em, missy.)

How many Trips to the Dentist did I take? (drink count) 9

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends:

During Veronica's post-Lilly/pre-haircut days*, Norris went against his school bully rep to turn the tables on the dumbasses who were throwing spitballs at her. (Seriously? People actually throw spitballs? It's not just a thing that movies and television tell me about? GROSS.)

*Now I kind of wish we got to see the momentous haircut. Where was that flashback!?

File Under Lilly Kane's Murder:

Well, Duncan finds out about Veronica's ongoing investigation, and that she knows about his epilepsy. She also reveals that Abel Koontz had been paid for his confession, which makes Duncan angry at what she's insinuating about his family. And you wouldn't like him when he's angry! (Or, y'know, ever.) Duncan is also at a loss when Veronica confronts him about what he really remembers from that day. He then later runs off with $10K in tow, because that's the hallmark of an innocent person.

Life on Mars:

Surely lost in the rest of this episode will be my absolute favourite Leo line -- and trust, it is a line:

This is also when Veronica and Wallace find out that their parents have been dating, and now the besties are totally weird with each other. Esp. with Veronica having decided that Keith and Alicia are just having a fling until Lianne's inevitable return. But she and Wallace make up, and they totally DTR for their BFF status.

AND FINALLY. Veronica's tailing still-at-this-point Bomb Ben, when Logan calls to give her a heads up that Duncan knows about her Lilly investigation. But when Ben makes Veronica go to the Camelot by gunpoint, Logan shows up to rescue her!

It's all a big misunderstanding, but Veronica appreciates the gesture anyway. Gee, V. -- just how much do you appreciate it?

FUCK YES. And then she promptly Rory Gilmores away, as is custom for all FYA rewatches.

MVP (Most Marshmallow's Valuable Player):  Logan

NO DOY.

Best Reminder That It's 2005 (That Hasn't Been Replaced by Something a Smartphone Can Do):

(This kind of bends the technology rule, but it's also my arbitrary rule.) Veronica breaks up Mac and Pete's philosophical debate over operating systems with a shout-out to iPod Minis.

And the Snark Award Goes To...: Logan

This is more protective than snarky, but Logan wins ALL THE CATEGORIES.

Neptune Cameos:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Ben

Bless you and your mullet, JTT, for getting punched so that this could happen:

Joey Lauren Adams as Ms. Stafford

And without her journalism assignment, JTT would never have been punched! GROUP EFFORT, Y'ALL. (I'd find a better photo of her to use, but there are Logan and Veronica GIFs to be found, dammit.)

Michael McMillian as Pete

Look, it sucks that he got bullied. But of course steve Newlin would be a shit-stirrer!

Song for a Spy's Soundtrack: "Momentary Thing" by Something Happens

UM OBVIOUSLY. (Skip to around 2:30.)

MARS INVESTIGATIONS, CASE 1x19: "Hot Dogs"

School outcast Mandy has lost her dog during a babysitting gig. (And can I just express my discontent at how the one time there's a fictional character with my name who isn't a bimbo, a stripper, or a bimbo stripper, it's a pathetic overzealous dog lover? Anyway.)

With Veronica's help (because: pathetic), a scam at the pound is exposed: dogs are being taken in order to collect the hefty rewards. Pathetic Mandy is able to recover her dog -- but not before she becomes Psycho Mandy and Tasers (drink!) the shit out of one of the scammers. Like seriously, this girl is not worthy of Mandy Moore's name.

Meanwhiles! Logan asks Veronica to track down info on Trina's lowlife abusive boyfriend, a wannabe producer who's obsessed with the word "junk". But before they even get a chance to do anything, Aaron beats the motherlovin' shizz out of Dylan (while revealing his history of being abused by his own father).

How many Trips to the Dentist did I take? (drink count) 14

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends:

Only a brief flashback, of Lilly's new spy pen (not a euphemism)...

File Under Lilly Kane's Murder:

... that Weevil gets caught stealing from her bedroom, after learning that Veronica's close to catching the real killer. So that's three main cast members in as many episodes that have found out about the investigation, BTW. Good thing Veronica doesn't have a secret identity or anything, or she'd be screwed.

After Veronica promises to find Duncan (which: noooooo, V. -- don't make promises we don't want you to make with Celeste!), the charges against Weevil are dropped. As is the suspicion around him; even though Weevil's alibi doesn't hold up with the true time of death, there's no way the Kanes would cover up a murder for his sake.

Life on Mars:

Poor Leo. First, V. goes totally MIA. Then she breaks up with him and asks for yet another favour in the same breath. You'll be missed, Leo!

Veronica finally gets a chance to confront Celeste, who's all, "I don't hate you; you just remind me of everything that ever went wrong in my life." So: hate-adjacent. Though she sure can wear a mean trench.

And now the only storyline that matters: Logan's been playing like the kiss never even happened. But it's not until the craziness with Trina subsides that he finally addresses the big kissy elephant in the room...

MVP (Most Marshmallow's Valuable Player): Logan

Logan's handling the news of Lilly and Weevil pretty well.

Best Reminder That It's 2005 (That Hasn't Been Replaced by Something a Smartphone Can Do):

None really, unless you count all those times you rewound those kissing scenes back in the day.

And the Snark Award Goes To...: Logan! And Logan!

With Logan inheriting Lynn's entire estate, Trina wastes no time in hitting up li'l bro for money.

And when Trina needs help getting her boyfriend off her back: 

Neptune Cameo:

No one new! But farewell, fine deputy. (... Or is it!?)

Song for a Spy's Soundtrack: "That's Amore" by Dean Martin

That's it for this week, Marshmallows! So did that first kiss catch you off-guard like it did me the first time I watched it? Like obvs, I knew there was something there that wasn't there once before. I just hadn't expected it to manifest like so: 

Since using the same GIF four times is fast approaching overkill, I'll see y'all back here next week to wrap up Season 1, with "M.A.D", "A Trip to the Dentist", and "Leave It to Beaver".

Welcome back to the YA Movie News Roundup, a glorious place where we can combine our love of YA literature with our passion for the silver screen - simply by clicking on a few links!

Mortal Instruments: City of Bones was released in theaters this week to resounding silence. The movie was a pretty big flop at the box office, and critical response was overwhelmingly negative. One response in particular, that of our own Posh Deluxe, is super duper hilarious. 

But all is not lost in YA adaptation land! The Divergent trailer launched this week during the MTV VMAs, and it looks great! Read Posh's analysis here and watch the trailer below. 

Also in Divergent: watch a featurette of the stars discussing the production.

This totally doesn't count as YA or movie news, but OMG BEN STILLER IS MAKING A REALITY BITES SITCOM FOR ABC AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT. Tell me how to feel about it!

This totally does count as YA movie news - The Book Thief trailer is live and gorgeous and wonderful and I wish I could watch the movie right this very second. I wrote more about it here, and you can see the trailer below.

Some casting news for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay went live this week. Natalie Dormer, of Game of Thrones and The Tudors fame, has been cast as Cressida! She looks like this:

And Stef Dawson, of nothing I've ever heard of fame (help me out in the comments!), has been cast as Annie. She looks like this: 

Blogs always like to pontificate on what does and does not make a good YA adaptation, particularly in the wake of a failure (like The Mortal Instruments) or a success (like, oh just as a for instance, HOPEFULLY Divergent). Here's a list of YA books that couldn't cut it as movies, and here's a list of rules for making a successful YA movie.

Marisha Pessl, author of the great Special Topics in Calamity Physics, has a new book out this week, Night Film. Critics are already touting it, I've already ordered my copy and the movie rights have already been nabbed by Chernin Entertainment, the studio that brought us Oblivion and, more successfully, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Read more about the book - hailed as a spiritual successor to Mark Z. Danielewski's brilliant House of Leaves, here, read a brand new interview with Pessl here and watch the super spooky book trailer below!

That's it for this week, folks! Lay it on me in the comments: how should I feel about a Reality Bites sitcom? What do you think of the Mockingjay casting? Do you like what you see in the Divergent and Book Thief trailers? Are you down for Night Film?

BOOK REPORT for Two Boys Kissing by David Levithan

Cover Story: PDAA
BFF Charm: Make It Rain
Swoonworthy Scale: 6
Talky Talk:  Whimsically Weighty
Bonus Factors: Diversity, World Record, YA Inside Joke
Relationship Status: Revolutionary

Now before you Fred Savage over the fact that this is most definitely a kissing book, allow me to remind you that this is a kissing book... by David Levithan. Now go read the rest of this review over at our series on Kirkus!

Follow along the whole rewatch here!

Last week, on Gilmore Girls...

We've reached Week 18 of our Rewatch Project, the point at which Dean and Jess switch places in the Who's Making Whom Jealous Contest. No cute boys ever fought over me when I was in high school, so join me as I live vicariously through this delicious development!

But first - a reminder of our drinking game rules.

 The Gilmore Girls Drinking Game Rules

Drink once every time:

Lorelai or Rory drinks coffee.

Emily gets flustered by Lorelai's bizarre sense of humor.

Sookie is controlling about food.

Paris is controlling about anything.

Michel snubs a customer.

Luke is crotchety.

Taylor has an absurd scheme for Stars Hollow.

The girls acquire massive amounts of food and then fail to take even one bite.

Drink twice every time:

Kirk has a new job.

You see a town troubadour.

Emily gets a new maid.

You see a moment from the credits.

On to the episodes!

3.10 "That'll Do, Pig"

Okay, here's the deal. These three episodes include one hell of a lot of Francie, the diabolical ginger who heads The Puffs and who is now making fiendish political machinations under Paris' rule as Student Body President. And I truly and wholly do not give one single rat's crap about Francie. She's a weak villain played by an irritating actress, so I'm going to skim over all of that stuff, okay?

So yadda yadda, Francie's trying to move in on Paris who is all wonderfully moony and distracted because of Jamie. (He told her he loved her over Christmas! She can't wait to go back for Easter break and continue arguing theology with his aging grandfather.) Yadda yadda, Rory sticks up for Paris and that part's great. The rest is dumb.

Dean is being smart for once! He's acting very mature around Rory, politely returning her belongings and asking if they can still be friends. He tells her he's applying to a four-year college, which of course thrills that sweet little slacker-motivator down to her overachieving soul, and he makes pleasant small talk that doesn't feel like flirting. Of course, what he's REALLY trying to do is win her back, and while I don't want him to succeed, I approve of his savvy methods.

Jess is showing glimpses of the crappy boyfriend he will always be by refusing to even entertain the thought of attending the Stars Hollow Winter Carnival with Rory, until they run into Dean and his little sister Clara, and Jess realizes that Rory will end up hanging out with them all night. So he tags along grumpily, spending the entire night saying rude things to Clara and reminding me why I don't really like him very much most of the time. Dean remains pleasant - until Jess takes him aside and says, "You don’t think I know what you’re doing? You don’t think it’s so pathetically transparent?", to which Dean coolly replies, "Rory and I are just friends, just like you and Rory were just friends. And hey, look how it turned out for you."

And even though I think Rory can do better than both of these yahoos, and they're kind of being gross and treating her like a trophy, I must admit that I thrill a little at this scene every time I watch it, because two hot dudes are fighting over Rory! Of course, she's clueless, telling Lorelai that Dean's just her friend and Jess is totally fine with it, a statement that Lorelai and I find adorably naive.

Finally, Lorelai the First drops by to surprise Richard on his birthday (and trump poor Emily's humidor gift with a better humidor), and she tells a thrilled Richard, a dismayed Emily and an amused Lorelai that she'll be moving to Connecticut permanently! Emily wigs and wigs for days, until Lorelai gives her the best advice anyone has ever given anyone in the history of mothers and mothers-in-law: she should learn to be amused by Trix's disapproval, she should even take pleasure in it, the way Lorelai has learned to do with Emily. Emily (the pupil) soon surpasses Lorelai (the master) by taking forty-five minutes to eat a green bean while Trix, who likes to eat at a brisk pace, grows increasingly enraged. Lorelai is pleased. "That'll do pig. That'll do."

How many times do I have to drink?

9.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

3.

Flirtation quota:

Even while Jess is being a jerk and summarily dismissing Rory's sweet Winter Carnival proposal, he's doing so by making out with her super hotly.

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

YOU GUYS. Korn has been leasing Trix's Hartford house. KORN!!! Apparently, "They were fine tenants. Took wonderful care of the place. They planted some lovely tulips in the front yard."

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

She goes all out for Trix's visit to the Inn, including individual chocolate amaretto mousse cakes in the shape of a G! Trix is very impressed with the food, but less so with Sookie's klutziness. I, on the other hand, will never stop laughing at this gif.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

She wears this hideous, purple, paisley, enormously-belted shirt with the distinct intention of dressing nice for Trix. I wish we'd seen Trix's reaction to her choice. 

Kirk insanity:

Kirk is apparently a frilly-aproned server at Westin's (drink!). He offers "various marzipan fruits made by a sect of cloistered nuns in Toledo" as the day's special.

Michel madness:

Michel is greeting a group of Hungarian businessmen at the Inn, and he accidentally says something very bad in Hungarian when he means to say "Welcome." The businessmen riot and pelt him with breadsticks.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

She's not intending to be funny, but I crack up so hard when Rory tells Emily and Lorelai to have a nice time with Trix at dinner, and Emily snaps, "No one appreciates your sarcasm, young lady!"

Random observation:

I always, always enjoy seeing Lorelai and Emily band together whenever Trix is around. Emily is so much more human when she's terrified of her mother-in-law, and Lorelai is always sweet to her, understanding precisely how it feels to know she can't please her own mother regardless of her efforts or accomplishments. It would be so easy for Lorelai to side with Trix, especially because Trix is always flattering Lorelai and telling her how much she admires her (mostly to annoy Emily, I believe) - but Lorelai is firmly Team Emily.

3.11 "I Solemnly Swear"

Okay, yadda yadda, Francie pulls some shit and convinces Paris that Rory betrayed her. Paris LOSES HER MIND and attacks Rory in fencing class. They are no longer friends. It's stupid.

Meanwhile, in Stories I Care About news, Emily is being sued by a former maid for wrongful termination. She asks Lorelai to give a deposition stating that Emily is a fair and generous employer, to which Lorelai replies with the exact level of disdain that hilarious statement requires. But she agrees to give the deposition after Emily essentially forces her into it, and then she pulls a Lorelai and says a bunch of inappropriate, rather rude and completely hilarious things. Emily is displeased.

Lorelai and Sookie take a hotel management class at the Radisson, and while it turns out to be totally boring and useless, they do have some fun afterward running into an old kitchen pal of Sookie's, Joe, and his friend Billy Burke. Sookie and Joe catch up with much enthusiasm while Lorelai and Billy Burke flirt damn near as enthusiastically. Sookie makes innocent plans with Joe to visit the restaurant of a mutual pal and "bust his chops," but Joe thinks it's a date. Turns out, he's been pining after Sookie for ten years, and while Sookie and Lorelai both find that very romantic ("You're his Daisy!" "I am? I'm his Daisy. I'm someone's Daisy!"), Sookie still feels guilty about Jackson. She lets Joe down gently and tries to make it up to Jackson, who of course behaves like a crybaby maniac because that's his thing lately.

Later, Billy Burke calls Lorelai and asks her out for coffee, her favorite kind of date. And that's it! When you remove all the Francie tedium, hardly anything happens in this episode.

How many times do I have to drink?

8.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

1.

Flirtation quota:

You guys, Billy Burke has THE WORST HAIR on this show. He's charming, sure, but this is his hair.

And while Sookie is a married lady, I, too, find it romantic that she's someone's Daisy.

Finally, and this is just a little thing, but I'll take whatever Luke cuteness I can get - he has to run to the market to pick up more groceries for the diner because Jess naturally forgot to place the food order, so he carefully takes down Lorelai and Rory's requests so he'll be sure to have whatever they want on hand.

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

In response to the deposition question "Please describe how your mother runs her household," Lorelai says, "Okay. Well, do you remember the rowing scene in Ben Hur?"

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

Out of guilt, she makes all of Jackson's favorite dishes: lamb chops with Sicilian olives, rosemary and garlic, a warm potato and chorizo salad, beef jerky, cornbread and fried marshmallow pie for dessert. You can cheat on me any day, Sookie!

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

It's not the worst offender, but the most frequent: I hate hate hate her jewel-toned satin oxford shirts:

Kirk insanity:

He accepted a lettuce sandwich from a grocery-desperate Luke.

Michel madness:

This is Michel's evil, amazing story of the time he was deposed: "My neighbor had this dog, a frisky little scamp that used to love to yap to his friends all night long. It was so cute. Then one day he disappeared. I told the police what I knew, but sadly the adorable little chatterbox was never found. It was tragic."

Lorelai: "You got rid of a dog?!"

Michel: "No."

Lorelai: "You got rid of a dog."

Michel: "I will gladly show you the transcript from the lawyer and the results of the lie detector test."

Lorelai: "You’re heinous."

Michel: "And very well rested."

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

Such a good exchange between Emily and Lorelai about the deposition. When Lorelai says it's none of her business, Emily: "Oh, and I’m sure the twelve rocket scientists they assemble as a jury of my peers will see it that way." Lorelai: "Honestly, Mom, I doubt they’ll be able to find twelve people in the state of Connecticut who haven’t been fired by you."

Random observation:

Man, I just really do not care about this Francie stuff. Is it just me? She gets so much screentime these episodes!

3.12 "Lorelai Out of Water"

So yadda yadda, Paris is still furious with Rory and tries unsuccessfully to have her impeached. They fight, they get in trouble with Headmaster Charleston, Rory tries to rise above it, Paris isn't having it.

Lorelai's the sweetest and lets Lane's band practice in her garage (how did Lane end up paying for that drum set, I wonder?). She and Rory clean it out and the band starts practicing there, as Lane and Dave Rygalski try to hide their relationship from the rest of the guys by virtue of Dave acting like a real jerk (with Lane's approval):

I love how pissed Rory gets until she hears it's all part of Lane's plan! Lane and Dave continue to lay the foundation for a Mrs. Kim-approved relationship. She's warming to Dave more every day, inviting him to sit on their pew at church and asking him to play the guitar at Lane's cousin's wedding (at which Lane and Rory are sweetly nostalgic about the other Korean weddings they've attended over the years of their friendship). Lane gets Mrs. Kim to agree to prom, as long as Mrs. Kim approves the escort - Lane assumes Dave will be a shoe-in. But then, in front of a crestfallen Dave, Mrs. Kim presents Lane with Young Chui, the Korean date Mrs. Kim has arranged for the prom, and Lane is SO BRAVE and immediately tells her mom that she likes Dave and wants to take him instead. Guys, this is huge. Lane's always been too chicken to admit to her mother that she likes a boy. Dave must be REALLY important to her (and to us!). Unfortunately, Mrs. Kim's response is, "He's not Korean." Lane and Dave are heartbroken.

Taylor's deep in construction on his soda shoppe, and he sends over a cute lawyer named Nicole to finalize the paperwork with Luke. Nicole looks like this:

Pretty cute, yeah? She's a little flirty with Luke, who flirts lightly back, but when Jess urges him (in a typically Jess way, but it's sweet that he cares) to ask her out, Luke blows him off.

Meanwhile, Billy Burke and his terrible hair are wooing Lorelai with lots of coffee. While making polite and meaningless chitchat, she accidentally says she likes fishing, so he invites her on a fishing date. Luke catches Lorelai and Rory trying to learn how to fish via library book, so he offers to teach Lorelai. He brings over a kiddie pool and a bunch of equipment, and they share the sweetest scene as he takes her through the lesson. Eventually it comes out that she's learning for a date, and Luke tries to hide his disappointment but Lorelai can't help but notice. She apologizes for keeping it from him, and he tries to brush it off, and the whole scene is so incredibly fraught with romantic tension and bittersweetness that I rewound it three times, okay? I admit it.

So the next day, when Luke sees Nicole working with Taylor outside the diner, he asks her out to dinner. She's very pleased. He seems fairly pleased. I, however, am crushed.

How many times do I have to drink?

7.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

16! Lorelai goes on a coffee date. They're tiny espresso cups, however. But still. SIXTEEN.

Flirtation quota:

GOOD GOD Lorelai and Luke in that fishing scene. It utterly, completely slays me. I cannot handle it. I CANNOT HANDLE IT. Figure it out, you two! Figure it out right damn now!

lol, also Zack keeps hitting on Lorelai.

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

Lorelai brings home the fish she caught and puts it in the bathtub and names her Jayne Mansfield. "Not the brightest fish in the pond, but she’s awfully pretty."

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

Dang, this cake!

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

I love how proud she is of her new fishing duds! Though I certainly can't argue with Luke when he tells her she looks ridiculous.

Kirk insanity:

Kirk's working at the beauty supply store now (drink!). He's quaintly painting the nails of a mannequin hand when Rory compliments him on his nail polish display. "It is fun, isn't it?" As he's checking them out, he adds, "I’m also including a few samples, a facial scrub and a honey mask. Very soothing, very healing. Thank you for coming, and call me and tell me how you like that mask." Gosh, I love that guy.

Michel madness:

Nope.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

Billy Burke says to Rory before he and Lorelai leave for their date, "Your mom’s never been fishing before, has she?" A sleepy Rory mumbles, "Oh, no, she’s a well-seasoned fish killer."

Random observation:

And thus begins the season of Lane Kim's liberation. She stood up to her mom! She didn't even hesitate! She told her loud and clear that she likes a boy. An AMERICAN boy. It didn't pan out for her, but it's the most courageous thing we've ever seen her do.

--

So there you have it, folks! Next week we're covering "Dear Emily and Richard," "Swan Song" and "Face-Off," so get ready for lots of jerky Jess moments next Wednesday morning!

And I leave you with a question, dear FYA readers: is Jackson getting worse, or is it just me? I think I used to like him, but he's driving me crazy lately.