BOOK REPORT for The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson

Cover Story: Shitty Beatles
BFF Charm: Let Me Love You
Swoonworthy Scale: 7
Talky Talk: Intensity in Ten Cities
Bonus Factor: Non-After School Special
Relationship Status: Serious

I've already decided that this is one of my favorite books of the year. Find out why by reading my review over at our series on Kirkus.

Follow along the whole rewatch here!

Last week, on Gilmore Girls...

Well actually, it was a couple of weeks ago, as we took a brief holiday hiatus here at the Gilmore Girls Rewatch Project. I, for one, am glad to be back! I missed these witty broads something fierce. And I missed YOU, my fellow Gilmore pals!

So let's get to it, but first! A reminder of our drinking game rules:

 The Gilmore Girls Drinking Game Rules

Drink once every time:

Lorelai or Rory drinks coffee.

Emily gets flustered by Lorelai's bizarre sense of humor.

Sookie is controlling about food.

Paris is controlling about anything.

Michel snubs a customer.

Luke is crotchety.

Taylor has an absurd scheme for Stars Hollow.

The girls acquire massive amounts of food and then fail to take even one bite.

Drink twice every time:

Kirk has a new job.

You see a town troubadour.

Emily gets a new maid.

Onto the episodes!

5.07 "You Jump, I Jump, Jack"

Rory's deeply immersed in her story on the Life and Death Brigade as Logan and company blindfold her and take her into the middle of the woods for a fancy, white-tented and candlelit party. It's worth nothing that she misses a date with Dean to attend this shindig, although she maintains (and probably believes) it's just because of her commitment to the scoop. Of course, we all know that she has a gigantic crush on Logan, but she doesn't appear to realize it yet. After a night of debauchery in which Rory casually observes rather than participates, Logan convinces her to join him for the big Life and Death stunt - jumping from a seven-story scaffolding with little more than a harness and an umbrella to protect her. At first Rory demurs, but Logan's charm - and his insistence that she needs to live in order to write - sways her. In a nice little metaphor moment, Rory drops her reporter's notebook and climbs the scaffolding ladder.

And...I actually think it's pretty great. Here's the thing: the Life and Death Brigade is stupid. Logan's friends are obnoxious elitists, and Rory will get into all sorts of trouble with them. But Logan does convince Rory to live, to take risks, to be adventurous, and that is important if she's going to be a journalist. She's good for him, certainly, but in many ways I think Logan's good for her, too. Lord knows Dean isn't exactly a boundary-breaker.

In Lorelai land, Emily and Richard have learned that she and Luke are dating, and they approach it in disparate but equally despicable ways. How have these two not reunited when they're clearly so snobbily, diabolically perfect for each other? Emily invites Luke to dinner and begins to tear him down in that discreet, polite way she has. She manages to insult his business, his divorce, his truck, his appearance, his education and his choice of beverage (beer) in a few short hours - all without ever breaking decorum. Lorelai tries to protect him, but Luke won't let her - he wants to take care of this himself. Then Richard invites him to golf, forces him to buy a set of clubs he'll never use again, gets him drunk and shanghais him with plans for a diner franchise, an art dealership and a straight razor shave. Luke is stymied, and Lorelai is MAD - but they're in it together, and it's cute. Emily just wants to get rid of Luke, but Richard seems to understand that he's here to stay, so he's trying to groom him into an appropriate partner for Lorelai. I've got news for you, Dick: he's already the perfect partner for Lorelai.

Finally, Zack approaches Lane at the diner and tells her, "I'm ready to date now." Their first date is on their couch, finishing the Talking Heads film they started the night before, as Brian dozes off in Lane's room to give them privacy. It's pretty adorable, to be honest. Zack then walks Lane to her bedroom door, slings a comatose Brian over his shoulder, and gives her a lovely kiss goodnight over Brian's corpse. Oh man. These two are happy, and I'm happy too. This first date gives us a glimpse of the weirdness that will be their relationship, but in its own way, it's kind of exactly right.

How many times do I have to drink?

Only 6!

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

ZERO.

Flirtation quota:

Rory and Logan are making all sorts of eyes at each other, even if they're trying to play it cool - but one girl in the Brigade picks up on it, as she tells Rory, "There's a line." Zack and Lane are just killing me with their sweetness this week, but I think my favorite moment is Luke's casual acceptance of the dreaded dinner with Emily. "Meeting the parents comes with the territory." Remember how he acted when he had to meet Nicole's parents? It just proves that these two are in it for the long haul, and that warms my heart.

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

As Rory and Doyle pedeconference through the newsroom, discussing her story - and she refuses to reveal her source - Doyle takes a moment to geek, "I love this. We just had a very All the President's Men moment!" Rory agrees with relish. You precious nerds.

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

No Sookie this week, so let's take a moment to gawk at the insane feast the Brigade put together for this little party. These kids have too much money. Also, I wanna go.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

There were a lot of hideous tops to choose from in this episode, but this guy takes the cake.

Outfit MVP:

How can I choose anything else? The fact that Logan bought it for her, after eyeballing her size, is a bonus.

Kirk insanity/Michel madness:

Allow me to quote Emily Gilmore here: "I called the inn looking for you, and Michel answered, but he was in the middle of some argument with the horse veterinarian. Then there was a cracking sound and the phone went dead. Then there was another man's voice saying 'hello.' [This was Bob, the gardener.] He told me something in a heavy Spanish accent, all while Michel was yelling at the vet in French. Then Kirk came on. He was there delivering something. And when I told him I was looking for you, he said you were probably at your boyfriend Luke Danes' house. Now why were you hiding it from me?"

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

A Gilmore Guy gets the honor! When Luke's trying to remember the name of Philip K. Dick, the author of the last book he read, he says, "That Dick guy, science fiction guy, Dick something, something Dick… I just read one of his." Richard, drily: "Well, I’ll bring 'Dick' up on the internet, see what comes up." Don't do it, Richard!

Random observation:

You know, after Lorelai hid her relationship with Digger from her parents, you'd think they'd take a look at their own actions to try to understand why she'd keep something like that from them. Maybe they'd realize how inhospitable they've been to her past boyfriends? But nope! Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, Gilmores gotta interfere!

5.08 "The Party's Over"

Richard And Emily Team Up To Take Down The Inferior Boyfriends Of Their Daughter And Granddaughter, Part Two. This time it's poor Dean under the microscope; after hearing that Rory's back with him, they decide to work together to throw a Yale alumni party. Of course, they only invite the Yale alumni who have sons - no daughters - and once Rory arrives, Emily rushes her upstairs where her hairdresser and makeup artist are waiting. Then Emily drapes Rory in diamonds and sends her downstairs to the meat market. Rory does look GORGEOUS, and all of the stuffy Yale fellas seem interested, but of course she's bored out of her mind - until Logan and The Idiots arrive.

I really, really hate all of Logan's friends, but I feel a little thrill as Logan pretends to be her boyfriend to get rid of some scrub. They then head out to the poolhouse for a sub-party, and Rory partakes of more than a little champagne, sitting pretty and surrounded by fellas like Scarlett O'Hara at the Wilkes' barbecue - until she remembers that she told Dean to pick her up fifteen minutes ago. He's been waiting in the driveway, and as she walks outside, laughing with the guys and looking like the prettiest debutante, it dawns on him: he doesn't belong here. He breaks up with her in front of everyone, which would bother me except that Rory barely seems to care, a couple of obligatory tears aside. Maybe because earlier in the week she and Dean shared the saddest lunch ever in the stockroom at Doose's, and maybe because when she asked him for feedback on her Brigade article he was only able to mutter "It was good," while Logan had lots of positive, specific and canny thoughts on the piece. Say what you will about Logan (and his friends - especially his godawful friends) - but he's brilliant. Anyway, bye Dean! Go be Sam Winchester, whom I like somewhat better!

Liz and TJ are back in town, and the less said about that, the better. Well, Liz is thrilled that Luke and Lorelai are together, and I like that and I like her, but UGH TJ. They buy a house in Stars Hollow for the Renaissance Festival hiatus months, and he keeps saying the word "escrow" like "escArow" and I can't quite take it. Luke has Lorelai over to make her a super-fancy, multi-course dinner, and he's lit candles and bought wine and it's SO HOT AND ROMANTIC AND I LOVE HIM. Then stupid nightmare TJ shows up after a fight with Liz and yells and cries and ruins everything. HOWEVER, Lorelai and Luke are still incredibly hot and flirty. Not even a crying TJ can throw cold water on these two!

After the date Lorelai heads back to her house and calls her parents to give them a hard time about the meat market party, telling them, "Rory will choose her own path in life and there's nothing either one of you can do about it." At that moment, she hears a noise and looks out the window, as a champagne-drunk Rory, complete with tilted tiara and messy bun, stumbles, giggling, out of a limo filled with rich white boys - and Lorelai's face falls as she realizes that Rory might be choosing a path that she never expected.

Finally, things are going swimmingly with Zack and Lane, and they both seem on Cloud 9 about it. When Mrs. Kim's foreign exchange student Kyon sees them hugging at Luke's - she's there because Lane's smuggling her fries, since it's flaxseed muffin month at the Kim household - she spills the beans to Mrs. Kim. Mrs. Kim responds by cornering Zack on the street and giving him the most hilarious rant ever, calling him a wild pig of filth and cursing him to the following: "You will swim in the sludge with Satan's hell-dogs, and feed them your innards for eternity!" IT IS AWESOME.

How many times do I have to drink?

15.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

3.

Flirtation quota:

Logan and Rory really ratchet up the flirting this week, and they're both looking pretty fine for this soiree. But Lorelai and Luke are crushing this category, with the eyes, and the kissing, and the COOKING, and the eyes.

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

par exemple: Lorelai tells Luke he's the perfect man when she sees the feast he's prepared for her, and then in response to his artichoke soup, she says, "You know, it may have choked Artie, but it ain't going to choke me. Some Little Rascals humor there for ya." Luke: "I know." Lorelai: "You know? You are the perfect man." Amen, sister!

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

No Sooks again this week, more's the pity, but Luke's got this category covered in spades: "Lamb and artichoke stew, penne with pesto and potatoes, roasted garlic with rosemary focaccia, tomatoes stuffed with bread crumbs and goat cheese, and ricotta cheesecake with amaretto cookies to go with your coffee." HOLY CRAP. My pants have melted clean off.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

She shows up to Luke's wearing this silliness because, "This is as close as you're going to get to me cleaning up tonight."

Outfit MVP:

She may be turning into a shiftless trust fund layabout, but she's doing it with style.

Kirk insanity/Michel madness:

Nope.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

After hearing that she's off the hook for Friday night dinner due to the party, Lorelai: "Wow, Friday night without my mother! I don't know if I can deal. You might have to come over and force-feed me pickled herring and tell me what a disappointment I am."

Random observation:

I think this officially marks the beginning of Rory's Dark Period, her age of becoming someone we don't quite recognize - and worse, someone completely alien to Lorelai. Most fans seem to hate this arc, and while I don't like Rory's choices, I like the show's choices. Most people go through a messy transition at college, when we kick off the shackles of childhood and try on a bunch of new personalities before growing into the person we will ultimately be for the rest of our lives. It was brave of Gilmore Girls to let their darling, naive nerd make huge mistakes and unseemly choices for a couple of seasons - but I don't, nor will I ever, blame Logan. He may be the impetus, but he's not the cause. Rory's her own person, and she makes her own choices here.

--

That's it for this week! Meet us back here next Wednesday morning as we cover "Emily Says Hello" and "But Not As Cute As Pushkin."

And I leave you with a question, dear FYA readers: am I alone in appreciating Amy Sherman-Palladino's chutzpah in sending Rory down this dark path? Anyone else go through a split personality phase in college, or was that just me and Rory?

Well, gang -- we've reached the end of our eighteen-movie Studio Ghibli journey. Fortunately, new Ghibli films are just around the corner! Even the biggest dub haters have to admit that the English cast of The Wind Rises is pretty ballin' (ALL THE NAMES). And When Marnie Was There was announced as the next Studio Ghibli project, to be directed by Hiromasa Yonebayashi. While the end (?) of the Hayao Miyazaki era might take a little -- or A LOT -- getting used to, I at least have faith in Marnie's director, Hiromasa Yonebayashi, to make a faithful adaptation (even though I'm not familiar with the source material), based on his previous film that we'll be discussing later. 

And speaking of today's slate of movies, there are highs, but daaaaaamn, there are LOWS. (Or, singular low. Singular-ish.) These films feature FYA goddesses (well, half of them do), and SWOOOON (well, two of them do -- with some really bewildering feels in the rest). As always, I watched the Disney English dub of each movie, unless otherwise stated.

Title: The Cat Returns
Year: 2002
Director: Hiroyuki Morita

In a Land of Pure Imagination:

Haru is just an ordinary high school girl -- until the day she rescues a cat from becoming roadkill. But the cat is actually the Prince of the Cat Kingdom, who shows his gratitude to Haru by offering to marry her. And by 'offering', I mean Haru's totally forced to, and now she's trapped in the Cat Kingdom. But lucky for her, Haru has a certain top hat-wearing aristocat to help her get back home.

Adorable Child Kitten Alert:

A KITTEH from Haru's childhood.

Lovable Anthropomorphic Sidekicks:

CATS.

EVERYWHERE.

SO MANY CATS.

ALL THE CATS.

MEOW. 

Wait, WTF?:

Why is the Cat King so obsessed with marrying Haru off? Sheesh, these cats sure like their matrimony. 

Famous Voices:

Anne Hathaway as Haru; Cary Elwes as the Baron; the great Peter Boyle as Muta; Elliott Gould as Toto; actually Tim Curry as the Cat King; the amazing Judy Greer as Yuki; Andy Richter as Natoru; Kristen Bell (!!!) as Hiromi; and Buffy's mom, Kristine Sutherland, as Haru's mom.

Class Superlative: Most Feline-Friendly

I don't think I can adequately prepare you for just how many cats this movie has, because there's really no way to overstate it. It's not nearly as distracting as tanuki balls, but it's still noticeable. The movie itself is a silly, fun, and original tale of how a young girl finds her inner confidence -- and the debonair talking cat that helps her do so. 

Since this goes by lightning fast:
"Baron, just for the record, I think I may have a crush on you."
"Just for the record, I admire a young woman who speaks from the heart."

Title: Howl's Moving Castle
Year: 2004
Director: Hayao Miyazaki

In a Land of Pure Imagination:

After a curse transforms young hatmaker Sophie into an old woman, she finds herself living at the aforementioned moving castle of the wizard Howl. And wouldn't you know it -- the castle just might hold the key to breaking her curse.

Adorable Child Alert:

Markl has his brekkie rountine DOWN.

Lovable Anthropomorphic Sidekicks:

Calcifer sometimes veers a little too close to annoying for my liking, but he's still way lovable.

The only thing that can match the greatness of a mouthy anthropomorphic sidekick is one that's king of the deadpan -- Heen!

And Turnip Head, OBVS.

Wait, WTF?:

Why's Howl freaking out about being a ginger!? Gingers are so hot right now.

Also: butt crack.

Famous Voices:

Emily Mortimer as Young Sophie; Jean Simmons as Old Sophie; Christian Bale as Howl; Lauren Effin' Bacall as the Witch of the Waste; Billy Crystal as Calcifer; Josh Hutcherson (whose first "Known For" credit is still Bridge to Terabithia -- suuure, IMDb) as Markl; Blythe Danner as Madame Suliman; and Jena Malone as Sophie's sister, Lettie; 

Class Superlative: Chameleon

I'm not just talking about Howl's hair styles (although that's certainly applicable as well), but how I feel about this movie. At first, I was lukewarm about it, and I didn't think it lived up to the hype. But I've grown to appreciate it more upon rewatches. Howl's still hasn't captured my heart, but it's at least memorable. Plus, that score is THE BOMB DOT COM (composed by Ghibli heavy hitter Joe Hisaishi, obvs). Like that main theme song? Anyone who's seen the movie: you can already hear it, right? SO GOOD.

Title: Tales from Earthsea
Year: 2006
Director: Gorō Miyazaki

In a Land of Pure Imagination:

(Um. I swear I've watched this movie, but I still have no idea what happened. So this is more or less pieced together from synopses and my blurry memory.) 

Soooo things are going wonky in the land of Earthsea -- like, people are seeing dragons and shit -- and it's up to master wizard Sparrowhawk to figure out what's causing all the trubs. He's joined by Arren, a prince harbouring a dark secret; Tenar, a former priestess; and Therru, a disfigured girl under Tenar's care. There's also bad guy named Cob that whisper-talks everything he says, so clearly he's evil and must be stopped. Or something. I tried, y'all.

And if you watch the Disney dub and find yourself as lost as I was, here's a simple drinking game for you: take a drink everytime someone says Sparrowhawk. That's probably a better use of your time.

Adorable Child Alert:

None! This movie lacks in anything adorable (among other things... ).

Lovable Agreeable Anthropomorphic Sidekick:

Uh, Sparrowhawk's (drink!) steed, I guess?

Wait, WTF?:

Oh, lordy -- this entire movie? It's supposed to be an adaptation (of a series I've never read), and it didn't do such a hot job of that, either. Judging from the DVD cover alone, I thought, "OOH, dragons!" But Earthsea fails to even deliver on the promise of dragons; one only appears for all of a scene. (I think. I had to watch this twice because I fell asleep.) Even the score -- something Studio Ghibli usually does so well -- fell flat for me; the music was just too overpowering (although that may have been a deliberate choice to distract from whatever story is supposed to be going on). The whole movie's pretty joyless and arduous, and it's hard for me to find anything remotely redeemable in it.

Famous Voices:

Timothy Dalton as Sparrowhawk (drink!); Mariska Hargitay as Tenar; Willem Dafoe is a shithead as Cob; and Cheech Marin as Hare.

Class Superlative: Outcast

Well, one true stinker out of eighteen ain't bad, right? 

Title: Ponyo
Year: 2008
Director: Hayao Miyazaki

In a Land of Pure Imagination:

Who lives on the cliff down by the sea? Sōsuke! Sōsuke!

Ahem, anyway. Sōsuke finds a fish-girl that he names Ponyo, who then wants to become human to be with him. So it's basically Littler Mermaid, right down to Ponyo's red hair and her overprotective dad. 

Adorable Children Alert:

OMG SO MUCH CUTE.

TOO MUCH CUTE.

TOO MUCH HAM. NOT ENOUGH HAM.

Also: best mother-son duo EVERRRR. (Or at least in Ghibli.)

Parenting! 

Lovable Anthropomorphic Sidekicks:

Well, Ponyo's sisters aren't really human, so they count!

Wait, WTF?:

Um, why didn't I have a toy boat like Sōsuke's!? And uhhhh the theme song with its lyrics about Ponyo's round tummy. (At least it's an accurate translation?) Although the worst musical offense has to be when the English version morphs into this autotune remix monstrosity.

But back to the movie: WHOA, that Ponyo sure is an Age Five Clinger, huh? And Sōsuke promises to love her forever? And his mom's just going to raise the two of them together then? What happens when those two hit their teenage years and want to date around? This can't end well. Never fall in love with fishes, you guys. 

Famous Voices:

Cyrus progeny Noah as Ponyo; Jonas progeny Frankie as Sōsuke; HRH Tina Fey as Sōsuke's mother, Lisa; Liam Neeson as Fujimoto; Matt Damon as Sōsuke's father; and the trifecta of perfection -- Lily Tomlin, Betty White, and Cloris Leachman -- as residents of the Himawari House.

Class Superlative: Cutie Pie

Omg, this movie is absolutely saturated with cuteness (of the kids anyway, not their 'romance'); I'm surprised I haven't gotten cavities from all the sweetness. But there's almost too much adorableness, that I don't think I can watch this again without a child present. Or without being super depressed beforehand to offset the adorbs.

Title: The Secret World of Arrietty
Year: 2010
Director: Hiromasa Yonebayashi

In a Land of Pure Imagination:

(For some reason, the U.S. version Anglicized some of the characters' names, but I'mma use the Japanese names.)

Arrietty and her family are tiny people who secretly live in the walls and floors of a house, and they borrow items from their human landlords in order to survive. Even though she's been taught all her life to avoid humans at all costs, Arrietty befriends the human boy named Sho. 

So yeah, this is an adaptation of The Borrowers. Which I hadn't clued into until I started watching, because ha ha I didn't see how the cover plainly says "inspired by the beloved children's novel The Borrowers."

Adorable Child Alert:

None!

Lovable Anthropomorphic Sidekick:

Sho's cat, Niya, sure knows how to relax. 

Wait, WTF?:

Errrr, did anyone else sense vibes between Arrietty and Sho? And speaking of, these beetles were totally scuttling off to mate, right?

Famous Voices: 

There are actually two English dubs of this, each with their share of stars.

U.S. version: Bridgit Mendler as Arrietty; HRH Amy Poehler as Arrietty's mom; Will Arnett as Arrietty's dad (so this was back in those days); and Carol Burnett as Hara.

U.K. version: Saoirse Ronan as Arrietty; Mark Strong as Arrietty's dad; and Geraldine McEwan (Miss Marple) as Haru.

Class Superlative: Most Familiar

While I found this to be a decent movie (and adaptation, once I realized what it was), I wouldn't consider it a good Ghibli movie. When you're at the top, you're held to a different standard, y'know? This would be a good job, good effort for a smaller animation company, but for Ghibli? Nuh-uh.

Maybe the source material is to blame, but Arrietty is missing some of the nuances and subtlety that Ghibli usually excels at -- as evident by the cartoonish villainy of Haru. Plus, I've already seen it done before (albeit in live action and with young Draco Malfoy) -- and done better, or so nostalgia tells me.

Title: From Up on Poppy Hill
Year: 2011
Director: Gorō Miyazaki

In a Land of Pure Imagination Realistic Situations:

It's 1963 in the port town of Yokohama. With their school's clubhouse, the Latin Quarter, being put up for demolition, Umi and Shun spearhead efforts to save the beloved institution. And, y'know, sparkage between Umi and Shun, plus Umi having to run the boarding house that she lives in. 

Adorable Child Delicious Dish Alert:

Y'all, Umi has COOKING SKILLS TO PAY THE BILLS. 

Seriously, so much tasty business!

Studio Ghibli's always made anime food look good, but it's like they were on a mission to include as much food as possible this time.

Lovable Anthropomorphic Latin Quarter Sidekick:

The Latin Quarter is full of quirky characters (like the Philosophy Club prez!), but none as prominent as Shirō, the student body president. Forget Shun; Shirō's where it's at! He even makes the proto-Biebs hair WERK. And just look how well he leans on things!

Wait, WTF?:

I can't reveal what this is without being super spoiler-y, but you'll know it when it happens.* TRUST.

*Even though it turns out to be just a scare (highlight for spoiler).

Famous Voices:

I actually watched the dub AND the sub! But I can only name-drop from the Disney dub, so.

Sarah Bolger (Once Upon a Time) as Umi; FYA Boyfriend Anton Yelchin as Shun; Gillian Anderson as Umi's grandma (and we thought she was too young for Miss Havisham); Jamie Lee Curtis as Umi's mom; Isabelle Fuhrman as Umi's sister; Aubrey Plaza as Hirokouji; Christina Hendricks as Miki; Chris Noth as Shun's dad; Ron Howard as the Philosophy Club president (couldn't have identified him without those Arrested Development voiceovers!); Beau Bridges as Chief Director Tokumaru; Bruce Dern as the ship captain; Jeff Dunham as Gen; Emilly Osment as Nobuko; and Fake Boyfriend candidate Ronan Farrow as the world history teacher; 

Class Superlative: Most School Spirit

I always love it when characters are just so deeply passionate towards their causes and hobbies, and Poppy Hill is no exception. The movie did lose me a little with a certain storyline, but I choose to remember it more for the enthusiasm that the kids had towards preserving their clubhouse, instead of other things.

That's a wrap on our Studio Ghibli mini-series! So have you watched all of the movies in this set? Which were your faves? Howl's has grown on me since I first saw it, and I really like Poppy Hill in spite of its... complication. 

And with the maybe-for-realsies retirement of Hayao Miyazaki, what do y'all think about the future of Studio Ghibli? The newer directors show a lot of promise, but also a lot of shakiness. I feel a lot better about the realistic films than I do about the more fantastical fare (ahem, Earthsea). I'm cautiously optimistic, although who knows if anyone could ever match Miyazaki's visual artistry in the near future?

So will you be catching his last film, The Wind Rises, when it opens in (North American) theatres on February 21st? Will you seek out the subbed print in favour of the dubbed? Will I ever stop asking so many questions? Sound off in the comments below!

BOOK REPORT for No One Else Can Have You by Kathleen Hale

Cover Story: Fair Isle Murder
BFF Charm: Meh
Swoonworthy Scale: 5
Talky Talk: First Name, Last Name
Bonus Factor: Small Town
Anti-Bonus Factor: Terribad Name
Relationship Status: Nokeydokey

Cover Story: Fair Isle Murder

This cover design would make a particularly fetching sweater for a cheeky Goth forced to be festive at a family Christmas party.

The Deal:

Kippy Bushman has spent her whole life in the tiny town of Friendship, Wisconsin, population 688. Friendship is the kind of town where everyone knows everyone and nothing interesting ever happens. Until one night when Kippy’s best friend Ruth Fried is found murdered, strung up in a cornfield and stuffed with straw like a macabre scarecrow.

When the local sheriff announces the top suspect for the murder—Ruth’s douchey but essentially harmless boyfriend, Colt Widdecombe—Kippy is unconvinced. And so, with the help of Ruth’s PTSD-afflicted older brother Davey, she starts her own investigation, one that leads them to discover the seedy underbelly of the town (and friend/sister) they thought they knew so well.

BFF Charm: Meh

Kippy, in addition to having a seriously ridiculous name, is a very quirky girl. And not entirely in a good way; in a “I had to go to anger management meetings when I was a kid because I tackled my principal and bit his ankles” kind of way. She’s also the kind of young woman who wears a utility belt unironically. If Kathleen Hale had created a stronger, more self-confident Kippy, I would have loved her for her quirks. But even when she’s going up against Friendship’s incompetent sheriff, Kippy is whiny, has eye-rollingly low self-esteem and is a bit of an idiot. I wanted to like her, I really did.

Swoonworthy Scale: 5

Until the investigation starts, Kippy hasn’t even kissed a boy. After she does, all she can think about is doing it again. It even begins to affect her investigation. I understand the all-consuming effect a good kiss can have on someone, particularly someone who’s never been kissed before, but it doesn’t make for the most appealing of reads when it’s mostly talk and little action.

Talky Talk: First Name, Last Name

In Friendship, everyone calls everyone by both their first and last name when they’re greeting each other. The residents of the town also say things like “ya’ know?”, “skedaddle,” “oof” and “okeydokey” in everyday conversation. These unusual speech patterns and jargon terms could have come across as forced and jarring, but, thankfully, Hale is from Wisconsin, and therefore knows how to make them believable.

Bonus Factor: Small Town

Although the small town-ness of Friendship can be frustratingly backwater, which adds to the believability of the story, but also makes for a sometimes annoying read, Hale has created a place that feels real and cohesive. It makes complete sense that Kippy would know who the sheriff’s daughter had been hooking up with—there are, after all, only so many teenagers in a town of 688 people—and, in turn, that the sheriff would be mistrusting of a girl (Kippy) with such a questionable history of making sound decisions.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Terribad Name

I read the premise for this book and thought to myself, “That sounds terrible. I mean, Kippy? KIPPY!? That is the worst name. I can’t read a book with a main character named Kippy. ... Or can I? It might be fun to read solely for the fact that I could make fun of the name in my review …”

Although I strive to be, I’m not an entirely non-judgemental person, you guys.

Casting Call:

Mackenzie Davis as Kippy

Josh Young as Davey

Chris Zylka as Colt

Relationship Status: Nokeydokey

I really didn’t expect much from you, Book, sad to say. Although you were better than I expected, I don’t foresee myself wanting to hang out any time soon. Even if you call me Mandy Curtis and ask me to skedaddle, okeydokey?

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a free review copy from HarperTeen. I received neither Voodoo Doughnuts nor money for this review. No One Else Can Have You is available now.

Title: The Last Keepers
Year: 2013
Fix: Magical Teen Drama

Netflix Summary:

When the teenage daughter of a reclusive family of artists falls in love with an unusual boy at school, she awakens mysterious powers and discovers ancient family secrets that will change her life forever.

FYA Summary:

Rhea has spent her whole life on the outside looking in, thanks to the reclusive life her artsy, Mother Earth-loving family leads. Most of her is OK with the lifestyle, and the stigma she finds attached to herself because of it, but part just wants to be a typical teenager. When she makes a huge discovery about herself, her family, and the roles they all might play in the future of the world, Rhea (rightfully) is a little overwhelmed and makes some questionable choices on her way to understanding.

Familiar Faces:

Zosia Mamet as Rhea Carver

Rhea is a sweet, genuine young woman who’s not afraid of being labeled strange, but at the same time just wants to be normal. She’s the kind of odd teenager who makes dresses out of plastic bags and dreams of going to art school. She reminds me a lot of my best friend in high school, and therefore I adore her. She goes through a bit of a rebellion in the film, but it’s a typical teenage thing. Zosia plays her delightfully.

Olympia Dukakis as Rosmarie Carver

Rosmarie is a total sasspot of a grandmother/family matriarch. Olympia is perfect in the role. She’s also got fantastic hair.

Aidan Quinn as John

John’s an artist-type (i.e., kind of a nutter), but he’s a wonderful father. At one point, Rhea complains about her status as a freak, and Aiden tells her that since both he and her mother are freaks, she’s a “super freak.” He kisses her on the head and then tells her “Get used to it. Fly that freak flag!” I love Aiden in this type of role.

Virginia Madsen as Abigail Carver

I’ve just finished up watching Witches of East End, in which—SPOILER ALERT—Virginia plays an evil witch, so it’s funny to see her in a good, hippie/witchy type role. Also, her daughter’s name is Rhea, which, hilariously, is pronounced like Freya minus the R.

Joshua Bowman as Taylor

Taylor is a typical popular high school guy. Joshua doesn’t say much in the role, but he looks pretty in it.

Sam Underwood as Oliver Sands

Sam, who is an attractive gent, has some horrible hair in this role. His actions are a little cringeworthy, but he’s earnest and sweet. I’ve never seen him in anything else that I can remember, but I enjoy his persistency. 

Nat Wolff as Simon

Simon is a total geek—a good thing, in my mind—which I don’t think is a stretch for Nat. (I’ve only ever seen him in short bits of The Naked Brothers Band. I’m looking forward to seeing him in The Fault in Our Stars, though.)

Couch-Sharing Capability: Low

Unless the people you’re with will also enjoy cheesy, magical movies (with a heavy emphasis on the horrible messes mankind wreaks upon the world), you might want to watch this one alone.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: Low

I think too much alcohol might make this movie tip over from being sweet to being cloying. It’s a fine line.

Use of Your Netflix Subscription: OK

The first two thirds of The Last Keepers were very different than the last two thirds. I enjoyed it as a whole, but I found myself confused by the sharp turn it took from ABC Family Movie of the Week to PSA on the dangers of being an irresponsible teenager. And then, at the very end, the movie goes back into movie of the week territory with a touch of WTF. It’s cute, but nothing you must add to your queue ASAP.

Winter is coming here, and so are the post-award bait movies! But that means a movie REALLY has to bring it to drag you out of your blanket cocoon* and into a theatre seat. And what better way to figure out what to watch than a TRAILER PARTY, W00T W00T! I've rounded up a few movies trailers for us to check out, so let's do it to it!

*What's that? You live in a warm climate and have no need for blanket forts? Whatevs, dude; you don't know what you're missing.

G.B.F.

Release Date: January 17

In Order of Appearance: Molly Tarlov, Sasha Pieterse, Natasha Lyonne, Xosha Roquemore, Andrea Bowen, Evanna Lynch, JoJo, Rebecca Gayheart, Horatio Sanz, and Megan Mullally.

Most Fist-Pump-Worthy Moment: Honestly? When the Tegan and Sara song started playing.

Bonus Factors: LGBTQ (though whether it's done well is uncertain), sticking it to the MPAA, makeover montage, prom.

Theatre, Netflix, or Sick Day: Netflix. Even though this movie feels like it's a few years behind the times ("Don't you ever think it'd be kinda neat to meet, like, a real live gay?"), I'm curious to see whether it gravitates towards satirical, offensive, or after school special-y.

Knights of Badassdom

Release Date: January 21 (limited)

In Order of Appearance: Ryan Kwanten, Steve Zahn, Peter Dinklage, Jimmi Simpson, Summer Glau, Danny Pudi, and Margarita Levieva.

Most Fist-Pump-Worthy Moment: Peter Dinklage has killer 'shrooms -- HUZZAH!

Bonus Factors: LARPing, nerd dream cast, cheesy CGI, goriness (possibly also cheesy), demons. 

Theatre, Netflix, or Sick Day: Based on the premise and the cast, I really really want to say theatre. But the finished footage has me leaning towards Netflix, unless enough reviews convince me otherwise.

Brightest Star

Release Date: January 31 (limited)

In Order of Appearance: Chris Lowell, Jessica Szohr, Rose McIver, Allison Janney, Peter Jacobson, and Clark Gregg.

Most Fist-Pump-Worthy Moment: "I hate that I'm good at the things I don't care about, and terrible at the things that I do." And the brief instances when Chris Lowell isn't sporting awful hair, i.e. not nearly enough.

Bonus Factors: Piz finally getting the girl (you would think), ASTRONOMY OMG ALLISON JANNEY IS AN ASTRONOMER.

Theatre, Netflix, or Sick Day: Theatre, if I can find it. Who could turn down an opportunity to see Piz be all swoony (probably, hopefully) on the big screen?

Cavemen

Release Date: February 7

In Order of Appearance: Skylar Astin, Chad Michael Murray, Camilla Belle, Dayo Okeniyi, Alexis Knapp, and Kenny Wormald.

Most Fist-Pump-Worthy Moment: Um, Thresh stays alive in this one? 

Bonus Factors: Shirtless Skylar Astin; Duckie; precocious child saying inappropriate things (although more likely to be an anti-bonus factor); and omg Camilla Belle is really pretty, you guys.

Theatre, Netflix, or Sick Day: Unless there's confirmation that 1) Skylar Astin sings, or 2) ChaMM gets facepunched, this is strictly Sick Day viewing (or, more likely in my case, airplane viewing).

The LEGO Movie

Release Date: February 7

In Order of Appearance: Will Arnett, Chris Pratt, Elizabeth Banks, Morgan Freeman, Will Forte, Will Ferrell, Liam Neeson, and Cobie Smulders.

Most Fist-Pump-Worthy Moment: Abraham Lincoln flying away in his rocket armchair, NO DOY.

Bonus Factors: EVERYTHING IS AWESOMEEE!, poking fun at Special Snowflake Syndrome, the generic posters (Sport! A Popular Band!), douchey Batman with Bat puns, the Xtina song sampling from A-ha.

Theatre, Netflix, or Sick Day: THEATRE OMG. I don't even care that it's in 3D. 

About Last Night

Release Date: February 14

In Order of Appearance: Michael Ealy, Kevin Hart, Regina Hall, Joy Bryant

Most Fist-Pump-Worthy Moment: Shirtless Michael Ealy, OBVS.

Bonus Factor: DOGGIES!, costume party, Michael Ealy in the rain.

Theatre, Netflix, or Sick Day: Netflix. I really want to say theatre, for my obvious Michael Ealy crush. But I feel like there are two movies here -- Joy Bryant and Michael Ealy falling in love, which I'd gladly see in a theatre; and Regina Hall and Kevin Hart involved in wacky relationship hijinks, which I would not. Still, as far as Valentine's Day theatre options go, this one has Michael Ealy, so.

Non-Stop

Release Date: February 28

In Order of Appearance: Liam Neeson, Julianne Moore, Michelle Dockery, Anson Mount, and Lupita Nyong'o.

Most Fist-Pump-Worthy Moment: When U.S. Marshal Liam grabs his gun mid-air as the plane is losing altitude. As one does.

Bonus Factors: Liam Neeson expanding his special set of skills; the award-winning and -nominated actors in this cast; omnimous music; texts as a narrative device; conspiracy framing Our Hero; turbulence.

Theatre, Netflix, or Sick Day: Whenever Liam Neeson builds on his repetoire of action hero movies, I'm always like, "YES, THAT PREMISE IS AMAZE. MUST SEE IN THEATRES", but I never actually follow through. This will probably go much the same way, so Netflix.

So, dear readers: which of these movies, if any, are you most excited to see? What other winter films are you looking forward to? (Like the previously discussed That Awkward Moment, perhaps?) Share your thoughts or trailers in the comments below!

BOOK REPORT for The Rule of Three by Eric Waters

Cover Story: Burn, Baby, Burn
Drinking Buddy: Home Brew
Testosterone Level: Love Among the Ashes
Talky Talk: I've Seen Better...But Not Many
Bonus Factors: Light Aircraft, Herb, Y2K
Bromance Status: You and Me to the End of the World, Dude!

Cover Story: Burn, Baby, Burn

Wrecked cars, mysterious aircraft, a buring city. Seriously, what else could you want?

Talky Talk:

Adam Daley's just an average kid, an aspiring pilot, and awkward with the girls. One day there's a power failure at his school, and everyone is sent home early. As he's going to pick up his younger brother and sister in his '79 Omni, he realizes that his is the only car on the road.

He realizes that anything--anything--that depends on a computer no longer works. Only very basic machines still function. Or really old ones--like Adam's '79 Omni.

It soon becomes obvious that the outage is not local, or even statewide. It's worldwide. The little things that held society together begin to collapse. Adam's father is out of town on business, and there's no way to contact him. His mother, the local police captain, is the only real authority anywhere. People begin to loot. Cars like Adam's become priceless. So do guns. Adam is desperate to protect his mother, his siblings, his buddy Todd...and Lori, the cute girl who lives on a nearby farm.

Fortunately, there's Herb, Adam's neighbor. Herb may or may not have worked for the government at one time, he's elusive about his past. But he teaches Adam about the Rule of Three: A person can last three minutes without air, three days without water, and three weeks without food. The community is running out of time. Together with Herb and his mother, Adam prepares to organize his neighborhood's last stand against the starving masses just outside.

Drinking Buddy: Home Brew

I like Adam. He's an unassuming everyman, suddenly thrust into the role of defender of the area. He's awkward around Lori, reluctant to take a leadership role, and a genuinely nice guy. At the same time, he really rises to the occasion, even to the extent of using a gun against raiders. He's relatable, and kind of bad ass.

Testosterone Level: Love Among the Ashes

Aerial combat, lynching looters, makeshift weapons, and deciding who lives and who dies. It's about what you'd expect from the cover. Also, there's the awkward first date/first kiss along the perimeter wall, hoping no one tries to breach the compound that night. Hey, I may not have a cool car like your last boyfriend but at least mine still runs. Plus I'm not dead.

Talky Talk: I've Seen Better...But Not Many

The backstory in this book was wonky we're never really told why the computers went out or what's happening in the rest of the world. I think this is the first part of a series, though I couldn't find any confirmation. Pity, I really wonder what happened to Adam's father.

At any rate, it's a quick and exciting read, a good one for boys or people who like lots of action, but nothing over the top.

Bonus Factor: Light Aircraft

So before the disaster, Adam and his father had been working on a homemade airplane in their garage. Adam was going to get his pilot's license. Just a hobby, something they do on the weekends.

Only now, the little aircraft may be what the community needs to survive. Reconnaissance, spying, looking for supplies, and taking Lori on a date she'll never forget.

Hey, is that a Cessna? Whoa...um, are they shooting at us?

Bonus Factor: Herb

Herb. Adam's mysterious neighbor. A crusty old man. Won't talk about his past.

But he knows exactly what to do when the world comes crashing down. He knows the future value of gasoline, chlorine tablets, and guns. He knows how to put down a riot. He knows that Adam's mother must be set up as the end-all authority of the neighborhood. Most importantly, he knows that the only way anyone is going to survive is if they cut themselves off completely and live by their own wits alone. Very few outsiders are allowed in. Actually, Herb was in favor of a much more 'selective' triage system, until Adam talked him out of it.

It's the end of the world, but with Herb on your side, you just might live to see tomorrow...if he likes you.

Bonus Factor: YK2

Okay, so the real Y2K resulted in some guy's Blockbuster account being overbilled. However, this book really makes you think about how much we rely on technology, and how much we'd miss our TV, internet, and safe drinking water if it were to vanish.

Bromance Status: You and Me to the End of the World, Dude!

This book really stepped up to the plate, and I'm glad it was there when things went bad. Hope to see a sequel, otherwise I'm going to be really pissed.

Disclosure: I received a free copy of this from Farrar Straus Giroux. No money, but it's not like cash will be worth anything in the coming days. The Rule of Three comes out on January 21.

We’ve got a secret. Can you keep it?

Catie and Alexis here, (temporarily) taking over FYA’s PLL recapping duties for season 4B! We have been unknowingly preparing for this day since Catie hopped on the PLL murder train last year and we started testing the limits of text delivery speed and teen angst capacity on a daily basis.

Murder TrAin, meet Murder CAbin (screencap from abcfamily.go.com).

First off, our MVP, LVP, and biggest reveals for “Who’s in the Box?”

Shocker MVP: HANNA MARIN

Season 4B’s premiere was hands down won by resident airhead Hanna Marin, despite the fact that these are actual things that came out of her mouth over the course of the hour:

“It’s kind of like a diary but more like a journal where she wrote things.”

“Gaze Bo” (said as two words that are just really good friends)

And finally, “I have a theory.”

The strength of this idiocy lies in context. That is, contextually, Hanna Marin’s last theory was that if you wanted to get rid of the gun that was planted in your mom’s closet and probably used to murder the pervy detective who has been stalking you and your friends for the last three seasons, the best way to do so would be to drive to nearest liberal arts college and use a beer glass to dig a hole to bury it in in the woods behind a raging sorority party. Thus Spencer’s face when Hanna says she has a theory:

(via http://elisabethcollins.tumblr.com/)

Non-shocker “Who’s in the Box?” LVP: ARIA MONTGOMERY

(via mayastgermains.tumblr.com)

Who was legit bewildered as to why she wasn’t insanely happy that the Worst Girl in the World who has terrorized the Liars for years even from beyond the grave is actually alive.

Who wore half an 80s prom pouf funeral dress to go to FitzShorts’ no-cell-service murder cabin.

WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO START A SECRET AFFAIR WITH HER TEACHER. AGAIN. IN A MURDER CABIN.

BIGGEST REVEAL

Jason DiLaurentis has friends. Or rather: “friends.” In “Montana.”

BIGGEST NO-DUH

Emily realizing for herself, then telling Paige, “I don’t think she [Alison] ever loved anybody; I don’t think she knew how.” Emily, you unfailingly compassionate unicorn. I’d want to slap you for taking so long to get to this point, but you’ve suffered enough already for just being your perfect, forgiving self.

Now to the goods.

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS:

Every character got killed approximately forty hundred times. Oh, and Ali’s alive. For realz.*

(*Please place all “secret evil twin” theories in the comments for consideration.)

THE PLAY BY PLAY

The Liars convene in Spencer’s room sometime after Ali conveniently teleports out of yet another Rosewood backyard. Aria is confused about her emotions, even though they make sense: she isn’t thrilled Ali is back because Ali was kind of a horrible person. Emily is actually confused about her emotions, because she was in love with Ali, who was a kind of a horrible person, but maybe secretly nice?, and then definitely dead, but now alive, and… sigh. The girls look frightened (well, Spencer looks pissed), and ask each other: who was Ali afraid of?

Time for a quick trip to the crypt, like you do. This is when Hanna becomes this episode’s MVP, laying down mad logic while wearing a muppet stole. She reminds everyone that if Ali’s still alive, someone was buried in Ali’s grave (and dug up, and lost, and packed in ice in a soda chest on a murder train, and eventually interred more permanently***** in a mausoleum…).

*****lololololololol permanent (via sy5starplaty.tumblr.com)

If they find out who’s in the box, MVP Marin says, the whole mystery will be solved. Which… okay. Baby steps, Hanna. Spencer suggests they track down Jason to see if he knows what’s up, but acknowledges—grudgingly—that Hanna has put forth an acceptable theory. They make their signature Liars Synchronized Turn and stare meaningfully at “Ali’s” crypt stone.  

(via kissthemgoodbye.net)

THEME SOOOOOONG.

One week later:

At the DiLaurentis house, Emily helps Mrs. D change the sheets on Ali’s bed, because that's normal. Mrs. D explains our first Minor Character Absence by telling Em that Jason has been driving through the middle of nowhere to deal with the stress of having been dropped down an elevator shaft. She then rips the diary-text comforter from Ali’s bed, announcing, “time for a change, don’t you think?” After Mrs. D disappears to launder away her neuroses, Emily spies a picture of the four Liars with Ali, and sadly, symbolically, places her thumb over Ali’s face.

School time. Toby and Spencer reunite to some strummy guitars outside of the school. Someone honks and speeds by, almost hitting them. Surprise! It’s Mona, in Jenna’s Mustang AND Hepburn shades. 

Who let Mona operate heavy machinery? (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

Second Minor Character Absence explanation, this time a two-fer: Shana of the Costume Shop was meeting Mona at the end of last summer to sign over Jenna’s car to Mona. Because Jenna is blind. And too sad to come back to school, we guess?

“There was a time Mona would have driven right over us…” Toby muses. “She must be making progress.” “Yeah, she’s working on her aim,” snarks Spencer.

Inside, Mona corners Hanna at her locker to gab away like a happy hen in a Pentagon of Secrets, and honestly we did not follow this conversation much because we can’t remember the current status of their relationship, but Hanna’s cold shoulder has apparently made Mona mad at Hanna. Also her dress has some mad cutouts.

“I can understand the others shutting me out, but not YOU, who I hit with a CAR and force-fed PIGGY CUPCAKES.” (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

Due to what we can only imagine is a malignant oversight, Ezra Fitz is apparently STILL allowed inside the walls of Rosewood High, so he stands at the front of a classroom lecturing to impressionable minds about how sometimes one part of a person might be nice and normal while another part is Super Evil. Hey, wait a minute… no, nevermind, they’re just reading Jekyll and Hyde.

More like Doctor A and Mr. Fitz. Show, you are not even TRYING at subtlety with your allusions this season. (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

Classes at Rosewood only last 45 seconds so the bell rings, and Ezra asks Aria to stay behind. He apologizes to her for putting her in an awkward position with his fake son (to which SHE apologizes, ugh), and then says: “I think my days are numbered here.” Aria says that hers are too, but that makes sense because she is a high school senior who will presumably graduate soon. Ezra asks if she might be interested in, y’know, starting things up again after graduation and bleechhhh noooo nope no no no.

The other Liars meanwhile gather in an empty A/V classroom, where Hanna is once again confusing Spencer by having good ideas.

“Wow, Hanna. You’re two for two.” (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

MVP Marin has tracked down another missing girl in their area, a blonde named Sara Harvey who disappeared around when Ali did, and emailed the girl’s friends asking if they might want to start a support group. Four seasons and one pair of buried Tory Burch therapist boots too late, Hanns. But as far as sleuthing goes, keep on keeping on.

Suddenly the projector starts playing an old-timey propaganda film. The camera lingers on the spliced-in image of a chalkboard, on which is scrawled…

It's a good thing that Spencer never loses at hide & seek. (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

Later, at the House of Hastings, Spencer asks her dad if he knows where Jason is. You know, because he's his father and all. “Don't be sarcastic, Spencer,” he all but laughs.

“That’s sort of like the native tongue in this house.” (via bricesander.tumblr.com)

Papa Hastings wants Spencer to stay away from Mrs. DiLaurentis, but agrees to see if he can find out if Jason is all right. Spencer goes over to Toby’s, where he tells her that he tracked down a bunch of people that used to work at Radley with Dr. Palmer. Radley is owned by a big health care company, Declodyne, and evidently they have some reason to be covering up his mother’s non-suicide. Spencer’s Crazy Idea ears perk up and she says, “Did you ever see that Mythbusters where they prove that a mouse can scare an elephant?”

This is probably the sexiest anyone has ever said the word "Mythbusters." (via sy5starplaty.tumblr.com)

Spencer and Toby stake out Declodyne, where Spencer threatens the head lawyer with libel if she doesn't provide evidence that Toby's mom did not commit suicide. Instead of being like “that’s libel,” Head Lawyer looks worried and agrees to… give Toby the evidence. Annnnnd half a season of energy-sucking Toby Mom drama is resolved in a scene.

At Rear Window Brew, Hanna tells Em and Aria that she’s made them a coffee date with their doppelgangers, the friends of Sara “Also Blonde and Missing” Harvey. But then! CALEB RETURNS. And is annoyingly evasive about what he’s been up to, and keeps saying stuff like “It’s complicated [it’s ghosts]. I am keeping multiple promises [to dead ghosts]. Under the circumstances [namely: death]. It is complicated [basically: I died].” Then he tells Hanna that he came back because he missed watching her walk barefoot across the kitchen floor (Hanna Marin wears three inches or she wears nothing), and she is overcome with lust and they leave.

Later, the Liars go out to coffee with the Alt-Liars. They describe their friend Sara, who sounds a lot like Ali.

  
Meet Doppelhanner and Doppelflannel. (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

Sara was last seen (from a distance, on her bike) the day after Labor Day. Privately, the Liars are crushed because that’s one day after the cement was poured in Ali’s Gaze-Bo, meaning Sara couldn’t be Ali’s body. Because Ali has never once even tried to pretend to look like or be someone else in public, and she has never once even gotten another blonde to pretend to look like or be her in public. Never once.

In another grievous oversight of the Rosewood PD (RIP every last one), Ezra Fitz is somehow still allowed to walk the streets of Rosewood. He is perusing a used murder-book stall (Rear Window; he is thumbing through Rear Window) when Mona accosts him right there on the corner and tells him how much she is enjoying their current reading list. When Ezra doesn’t rise to the bait, she flirt-threatens him, noting that he has revealed all of his innermost secrets in the syllabus for his class. Stupid Fitz! Fitz lays it out for Mona that fear is the number one motivator at Rosewood High, and that’s why he has set out to terrorize/sleep with teenage girls. (Okay, the last part is subtext). And she is special. “Moi??” she asks. Yes, her, special, because she has shed her fear. Which makes her vulnerable. And our Mona, oh, our Mona: she tears up. She looks down, chastened. She nervously gathers her belongings. Basically: she plays him like a creepy blind girl’s flute.

As Mona walks away, EzrA turns over his shoulder to do his best attempt at an evil sneer.

Evil sneer foiled by dumb baby face. (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

At the Marins’, Ashley tells Hanna that Mrs. DiLaurentis has hired her! You know, since she had been having trouble finding a job after getting arrested for murder. “I’ll just go grab my real estate license,” Ashley says, running over to fetch it out of a cereal box. Down the block at House of Hastings, Spencer and Toby celebrate how they broke the Declodyne lady via illegal blackmail. Papa Hastings comes home and Toby demands that he recognize how genius his daughter is, getting Decoldyne to back down like that. “Declodyne?” says Papa Hastings. “Declodyne,” says Spencer. “Declodyne??” repeats Papa Hastings. “DECLODYNE,” says Toby. Declodyne.

And Papa Hastings suddenly becomes this guy:

(via adorkabledarrencriss.tumblr.com, alisondilaurentis1.tumblr.com)

After which he tells Toby what they should really do is hit Radley (Declodyne) where it hurts and take Radley (Declodyne) down brick by brick, because presumably all of the Hastings family secrets are probably tucked deep in its sub-sub-sub-basements, right below the ghost-dancing baby crib rooms. “I always do what’s best for my family,” he explains. IS THAT SO?

Peter Hastings finally welcomes Jason DiLaurentis with open arms. (via footagenotfound.net)

Across town, Aria has for some reason called Ezra to come pick her up. He offers to take her to his creepy murder cabin, which he claims to be looking after for a friend. In Murder Cabin, Ezra says he wants to take a time machine back and start his relationship with Aria over, without the mistakes. Listen, buddy: this isn’t Ravenswood. Time only moves forward here. Aria suggests faintly that maybe their illegal relationship was a mistake itself. Instead of agreeing with her, Ezra says they should treat Murder Cabin as a secret hideaway and then NO NO NO STOP KISSING STOOOOPPPPPP.

This will probably not end well. (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

At Rear Window, Doppelhanner (Claire) knocks on the door to talk to Emily. She explains that their friend Avery wasn’t at the meeting today because they keep adjusting her meds and she was busy sleeping. (We will bet you one pawned engagement ring that Avery is in Radley.) Doppelhanner says quietly to Emily, “Seeing you today made me so jealous. That your friend is dead.” The dramatic irony is heavy in this scene. Doppelhanner also plays it impressively real. We feel for you, Doppelhanner. Deep in our cracked hearts.

At Hanna’s house, Caleb tells her he is leaving. Hanna keeps slamming the door to keep him in, but he keeps saying depressedly that he just has to go. Eventually Caleb is crying and oh geez now we are all crying. He leaves and Ashley Mama Bear ZOOMS down the stairs to comfort Hanna.

[

Poor Hanners. (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

Meanwhile, EZRA AND ARIA APPARENTLY HAD SEX IN THE MURDER CABIN and if Aria wasn’t already our LVP for this episode, she definitely just cemented the title. She gazes forlornly out the window (that bad, huh?) while Ezra looks at… A SUPER OBVIOUS MURDER TRAP DOOR. Run, Aria, run awayyyyyyy.

In the episode’s most emotionally resonant scene, Emily confesses to Paige that Ali had let Emily kiss her. “I thought it was this incredible gift. Now I know better … I realized it didn’t mean anything to her.” Emily’s heart was broken, cracked right open, and Paige hates Ali for being so cruel. “Cruel would mean she cared what she was doing,” says poor Em. “I don’t think she did.” Paige wonders if Emily is finally finding closure, saying goodbye. They grasp hands and Emily silently prepares for what will surely be an awful future revelation.

Hanna catches up to Caleb outside the Brew as he is about to get in his car and drive away to Ravenswood and his absolute certain death. Again. Not that she needed to go an extra mile to get the MVP trophy, but Hanna also wins this week at maturity in the face of the world’s vaguest break-up:

Hanna: Look, whatever happens, I’m not going to let that be the way we say goodbye. [long, pained pause; soulful, pained gazing] Goodbye.
[Caleb fights back tears, gets into the car; Hanna hands him the coffee he left on the roof]
Hanna: Hey, you’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached.
[soulful gazing]
Caleb: I’m not gonna forget anything.
[Hanna steps back, tearlessly watching him drive off. Caleb is crying, again, and so are we, again.]

Yeah, you try being that mature when the love of your 17-year-old life leaves you for a ghost… ALL WHILE WEARING BRIGHT BLUE HAMMER PANTS. (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

Finally, Hanna’s Caleb-sadness morphs into Hanna’s Funeral-sadness as the Liars return to the crypt, where they comment quietly that even though they don’t know who is in Ali’s grave, it’s still somebody’s daughter, somebody’s friend.

“Rest in peace, Jane Doe.” (via kissthemgoodbye.net)

Hanna brings out Ali’s diary, and tells her friends that she’d kept it hidden “because of what she said about us. All of us.” Spencer takes it anyway and flips it open.

Meanwhile, out at the Murder Cabin, a shadowy figure enters, and pulls open the trap door, revealing… well, nothing. It’s too dark to see.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

KISSES,

- A (lexis and Catie)

Wow, quite the week for weather, pretty much everywhere?  I think we could all use the weekend coming up.  That said, there was quite a bit in the news that wasn’t weather related.  So let’s check it out.

Book Related Things

Our very own Alix has been bullied by me into making started a blog where she will review Jane Austen retellings.  It’s a thing she’s been known to do from time to time.

Speaking of Austen, The Toast has a piece on Lizzy Bennet and Lily Bart.

Has your e-reader or tablet enabled a trashy novel addition?

Ever wonder what it would be like to hang out with George R.R. Martin?

Why it’s important to diversify your reading.

Want some book recommendations from Judy Blume and Lena Dunham?

Goodreads looks at the year 2013 with an infographic.

Comics/graphic novels 101 done in (what else?) comic form.

12 crafts that are perfect for librarians and book lovers.

Buzzfeed puts together a ranking of all the outfits on the Baby-Sitter’s Club book covers.

Why it’s important to have unlikeable female characters.

Some bookstores with great names and how they got them.  Also, book sculptures.

Movie Related Things

The Fault In Our Stars releases a photo from inside the Anne Frank house.

io9 has an extensive list of SFF movies coming out in 2014.

What books should you read before the movie version comes out?

Only two of the top 100 grossing films of 2013 had female directors.  Ouch.

Meryl Streep ripped the ghost of Walt Disney a new one the other night.  Just how accurate are some of the claims?

Who should play the movie version of you?  According to everyone taking this on facebook, it’s either SCARY ACCURATE or not even remotely close.  YMMV.

The overpriced Mean Girls jewelry line no one asked for, a decade after the movie came out.

Dean’s little sister has been cast in the Fallen movie.

The Marysue has a Sandman movie fancast.

Looks like there may be a Point Break remake.

TV Related Things

With the most recent season of Downton Abbey having hit the US this week, Downton is everywhere on the internet.  Vulture has put together a Downton version of Clue.  Want to do some needlepoint?  How much would it cost to dress like the Crawleys?  And the  PBS shop has their Downton jewelry available for purchase.

A new picture of Peter Capaldi from the set of Doctor Who.  Also, if you’re planning on getting into Classic Who, The Marysue has a guide for you.

And much like with movies, io9 has a thorough list of SFF television for 2014.

The Pretty Little Liars costume designer has created a PLL line for Aéropostale.

Ringo Starr + The Powerpuff Girls.

Lifetime is already working on a Flowers In The Attic sequel.  (Also, check out Slate’s piece on the FITA series.) 

Miscellaneous Thing

Rookie Mag has a great piece that will resonate with anyone who loves things whose primary audience are teen girls.

That’s it for now.  See you all next week!

BOOK REPORT for Alpha Goddess by Amalie Howard

Cover Story: Peek-a-boo, Goddess Style
BFF Charm: Maybe in a Few Years
Swoonworthy Scale: 4
Talky Talk: Secrets, Lies, and Betrayal
Bonus Factor: Hindu Deities
Anti-Bonus Factor: Love Triangle
Relationship Status: Better Off Friends

Cover Story: Peek-a-boo, Goddess Style

I usually don’t like Big Face covers, but I thought this one was done pretty well – Sera’s hands cover her face enough that the reader can actually imagine what she looks like.  The henna on her hands is beautiful and reinforces that she is half-Indian, while the yellow nail polish reminds us that she’s a modern sixteen-year-old. 

The Deal:

Sixteen-year-old high school student Serjana (Sera) Caelum has been waking up from nightmares of demons for awhile now.   Turns out that she’s your average high school student, but also the Hindu goddess Lakshmi reborn – surprise!  As a child born to parents from different immortal worlds, she is meant to be the balance between heaven and hell, but the Lord of Death has different plans for her – he’d like to use her to unleash hell on earth. Meanwhile, she’s torn between the attentions of her longtime best friend Kyle, a ne’er do well with a heart of gold, and Devendra (Dev), a mysterious, irresistible tattooed boy who came into her life eight months prior.  When her birthright is revealed and the Lord of Death makes his move, Sera finds herself in a world of chaos.

BFF Charm: Maybe in a Few Years

I haven’t met many people who dealt with being sixteen well – the hormones raging, the horrors of high school, and parents who just don’t understand, let alone finding out that surprise, you’re a goddess – but Sera drove me nuts for the first half of the book.  The narrative tells us that she’s kind and considerate of others, yet it seemed to me that she was a bit of a user: using her little brother for information, using Kyle and Dev for positive attention, and using her parents’ trust to sneak around.  Later in the story, she becomes more self-possessed, loyal, and less insecure, and I liked her better.  In ten years, I bet she’d look back on all this and laugh, but I can’t say I’d argue if she were grounded until then.

Swoonworthy Scale:  4

Despite referring to herself as a “gargoyle,” based on what the kids at school say, Sera has not one but two guys drooling over her, and feels attracted to both – not the worst fate in the world!  There are a few steamy moments in Sera’s journey of self-discovery, but I felt that the ones between her and Kyle seemed the most authentic, since they seem to have common interests and a friendship to build upon. 

Talky Talk: Secrets, Lies, and Betrayal

Alpha Goddess is, at its heart, a retelling of the Rama and Sita story from Hindu mythology/folklore. I found the story more understandable (as in, how could a goddess be a sixteen-year-old with a separate identity at the same time?) after I googled the story of Rama and Sita, as well as Lakshmi and Vishnu.  Since the plot was rather complicated, there’s a lot of exposition, even within the dialogue, as the author explains who is lying about what and why.  I liked what Amalie Howard was going for, but I felt like the dialogue didn’t quite hit the mark. 

Bonus Factor: Hindu Deities

This story was definitely unusual to me – first of all, a goddess in human form is like nothing I’ve read recently, if ever – and second, I loved getting to learn a bit more about Hindu deities.  Don’t get me wrong, I love vampires and witches too, but this was a fresh new angle for paranormal YA.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Love Triangle

Although we learn later in the book why there is a love triangle, and why it actually makes sense, this is one trope I would happily banish to the fires of the Dark Realms.

Casting Call:

Fagun Thakrar as Sera

Varun Dhawan as Dev

Matthew Gray Gubler as Kyle

Relationship Status: Better Off Friends

I’m glad I got to know you, book, but I think that after this crazy adventure we might be best off just hanging out at Sal’s diner and people-watching together. You were fiery and interesting, but I didn’t feel any sparks.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received my free review copy from Sky Pony Press.  I received neither money nor a pet unicorn for writing this review, despite how hard I wished for one.  Alpha Goddess will be available March 4.

Today's FYA Book Club spotlight takes us to beautiful Vancouver, WA -- where the local branch's kickass YAngelists will be holding their annual Mock Printz meeting on Sunday, January 26th. 

In their first Mock Printz back in 2012, the Vancouverites didn't make a single accurate prediction. They fared a bit better in 2013, when their winning pick (and FYA Book Club fave!), Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein, received the Printz Honor. 

So how will Vancouver, WA do in the 2014 Mock Printz? Take a look at their short list -- which includes a couple of FYA Book Club picks from last year!

Black Helicopters by Blythe Woolston

Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell

Far Far Away by Tom McNeal

Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock by Matthew Quick

Maggot Moon by Sally Gardner

Midwinterblood by Marcus Sedgwick

September Girls by Bennett Madison

The Summer Prince by Alaya Dawn Johnson

Uses for Boys by Erica Lorraine Scheidt

Winger by Andrew Smith

Do you think you spot a Printz winner on this list? Or which books would you nominate instead? Place your bets in the comments!

For more info on the Vancouver, WA book club, check out their Facebook page. And if you're in the area on Sunday, January 26th, help them pick their Mock Printz winner! (See here for more details.)

Want to join an FYA Book Club? We've got locations worldwide (and don't forget about the 'burbs)! Don't have one near you? Grab a cocktail, send us an email and start one today!

Welcome to the first of our midseason TV posts (a continuation of our fall TV series). We’re here again to discuss the best, the worst and Those Shows That Shall Not Be Named*.

*a.k.a. the ones that are just terribad.

(Warning! Possible spoilers ahead.)

Killer Women

Premiered: Jan. 7 on ABC (Watch online.)

Elevator Pitch

Sofia Vergara wanted to produce TV. She's already in a hit show, so she had to think of something that could top Modern Family. But what are those key elements that would make a new show stand out?

1. Get rid of all the other female leads. Who needs the competition when it comes time for award season?

2. Give the female lead a gun. Now that we've gotten rid of the other females, she's going to need a dependable co-star.

3. Bring back the other females, but make them the enemy so there's never any question who you're rooting for.

4. Sprinkle in a few males for eye candy, but don't give them too much depth, we don't want them thinking they're the stars (or the heroes).

And 5. Add in a cute kid and a horse. Modern Family has the cute kids, but think of what it could do with some livestock.

Familiar Faces

Tricia Helfer as Molly Parker

Michael Trucco as Billy Parker

Nadine Velazquez as Martina Alvarez

Alex Fernandez as Lt. Luis Zea

Marc Blucas as Dan Winston

Jeffrey Nordling as Jake Colton

Faces That Might Become Familiar (If You Keep Watching)

Marta Milans as Becca Parker

Siena Agudong as Lulu Parker

Redeeming Qualities

Emily: I am a fan of Tricia Helfer as Molly Parker. There has been a surprising number of badass female roles on TV these past few years, and I don't buy into all of the casting choices that are being made. But this one I'm going to get behind. She plays sexy tough way beyond my expectations. I also feel like the "only woman in a male centered field" wasn't overdone. This felt much more about the Texas Rangers vs the San Antonio PD (or the drug cartel) than woman against men.

Mandy: This first episode, at least, was filmed in our neck of the woods. The fact that the settings are familiar, if not entirely accurate—the building used for the San Antonio Police Department is actually Austin City Hall—adds to the show’s appeal. (If they keep using Austin buildings to stand in for other cities, however, it could get annoying. OR! Drinking game!) Tricia Helfer is also definitely believable as a badass who could be one of only two* women in the Texas Rangers.

*What a sad statistic.

It's Not Me, It's You

Emily: If I'm going to pick the show apart, the “case of the week" was a little weak. I like that the premise of the show is a female Texas Ranger going after all female killers, but I have a hard time buying into the fact that a Ranger and a DEA agent can drive into Mexico and save two people that the Mexican drug cartel are holding hostage just by leaking a false raid that is happening elsewhere. But then again, I definitely don't want to watch a true to life version of how that would have played out. Also, I don't know how I feel about the fact that Molly's estranged husband used to abuse her. It might not be the storyline itself, but more how we find out about it (her trying to relate to a woman forced to kill another woman to save her mother and daughter) that feels a little … forced. I feel like this is information we should have had to work to get, not just been handed.

Mandy: The show started out a bit slow. I like the idea of a different case each week, but with only eight episodes, I hope there’s an overarching plot that ties everything together. (But not an ongoing issue with the cartel ... that would seem awful formulaic.) Also, there’s supposed to be a hot and heavy relationship going on between Molly and Dan, but I’m not quite feeling the chemistry (yet).

Let's Do This Again

Emily: I actually like this show a lot more than I thought I would. I like the character of Molly Parker, I love her family (especially her niece), and then of course, you get Marc Blucas who I am always going to root for (as long as it's not against Angel or Spike). I thought the pilot was pretty clever, and I'm a Texas girl, so I have to give it bonus points for being about my home state. It's only an eight week season, so it's going to have to really turn me off for me not to at least stick it out that long.

Mandy: I’m all for action, and this show has it in spades. I like the idea of a woman being in a position of awesomeness, too, without it feeling contrived. I’m not completely sold on the show, but since it only has eight episodes, I’m willing to keep going for at least another one or two.

What did you think? Let us know in the comments!

BOOK REPORT for Why We Took the Car by Wolfgang Herrndorf, translated by Tim Mohr

Cover Story: Not Too Shabby
BFF Charm: Big Sister
Swoonworthy Scale: 1
Talky Talk: Hilariously Rambletastic
Bonus Factors: Translation, Road Trip
Relationship Status: Travelling Buddy

Cover Story: Not Too Shabby

Well, it's instantly obvious that this is a road trip book, even if the font's pretty LOUD. While this cover strikes the right youthful tone, it's just a touch too generic.

I prefer the more subdued Aussie version, which reminds me of bits and pieces from the covers for How I Live Now, Winter Town, and The Fault in Our Stars -- which are pretty dang good cover to emulate. And extra pants for featuring the light blue Lada, which is practically a character in its own right.

The Deal:

It's the summer after eighth grade, and Mike Klingenberg is being held at a police station far from his home in Berlin. How the self-proclaimed boring and friendless Mike got there is all thanks to an unforgettable road trip in a stolen car with the strange new kid named Tschick. No one's bound to call these two outcasts boring again, that's for sure.

BFF Charm: Big Sister

Grownup Me loves the delightfully off-kilter Mike, but Teen Me def. would have stayed away from him and his unironic dragon-emblazoned jacket. It'd be tough for Teen Me to look past the Psycho moniker he was once saddled with. Which is a shame, because Mike's witty and perceptive and he's going to be SO GOOD at being an adult. And although he doesn't throw himself pity parties for his lack of friends and his turbulent home life, that's still something Mike needs to hear. 

The enigmatic Andrej Tschichatschow -- or Tschick, for the phonetically challenged -- could also use better adult influence in his life. Not that I'm even qualified for being such, but I'd at least be better than Tschick's big bro and guardian, who steals cars with him and lets the kid roll into class drunk as a skunk. (At fourteen. FOURTEEN! Holy shizz, Tschick's fourteen is not the same as a sheltered suburban Canadian fourteen.)

Then again, too much grownup interference might mean that Mike and Tschick wouldn't have embarked on this wonderful adventure together. So I'm perfectly fine with being their big sister that bails them out of all the trubs they get themselves into. And frequently hides the liquor bottles from Tschick (... to save for herself and her friends).

Swoonworthy Scale: 1

I wouldn't consider this book swoony, but it so perfectly captures the awkwardness of an adolescent crush.

I don't know if it's always so embarrassing to have a crush on somebody. Apparently I'm not very good at it.

I mean, RIGHT?! That's totally me from age seven to -- uh, well, present day. (So maybe not just adolescence... )

[In] the seventh grade [Tatiana] suddenly popped up on my radar -- and that's when all my misery began. 

[...]

I could blather on about her for ages, but the surprising thing is that I actually have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't know Tatiana at all. 

And haven't we all had a Tatiana in our youth? A hopeless and desperate crush that you later realized had no freaking semblance of basis? (OK, FINE. MAYBE THESE ARE ALL JUST ME.)

Talky Talk: Hilariously Rambletastic

This is one of those books that you'll be able to tell right away if it it's for you or not. Because it starts off quite fucking ramble-y. (And there are cusses aplenty throughout the book, too.) Not as messy as stream of consciousness, but there are tons of stray thoughts, as well as some out-of-chronology snippets that you'll appreciate and understand so much more upon re-reading.

The cop shouts at the doctor. How do I even know he's a doctor? He's wearing a white coat. So I guess he could also be a baker. But in the pocket of the coat is a metal flashlight and some kind of listening device. What would a baker need something like that for -- to listen for a heartbeat in a bread roll? It's got to be a doctor.

It's not a style that's going to work for everyone, although it does calm down once the expository stuff is out of the way. Fortunately, it works for me -- as you can probably surmise from the amount of meandering in this book report alone. Plus, much like Mindy Kaling's memoir, I knew I'd love it as soon as it name-dropped my fave* basketball player, Dirk Nowitzki.

*Attention, authors! I am easily pandered to. Please inquire for a list of my interests.

Bonus Factor: Translation

YA lit is so not only an English-speaking phenomenon, and I am S-T-O-K-E-D to see more YA translations! Translate ALL TEH BOOKZ.

Bonus Factor: Road Trip

Without any sense of direction or legality to drive, Mike and Tschick first venture out in a clunky Lada to crash a party that they weren't invited to (natch). And without much to go back home to, the allure of the open road is too much to resist. 

Casting Call:

The dudes I've cast are too old, but I doubt that a North American adaptation would keep the characters as fourteen-year-olds anyway. (And I actually think this would make a great graphic novel or animated film.)

Miles Heizer as Mike

As for Tschick, I really can't justify casting Anton Yelchin in the role. And the only other Russian celebs I know are hockey players, so. 

Nail Yakupov as Tschick

Relationship Status: Travelling Buddy

I'm about to sound like a privileged brat in a sec, so please bear with me. But one of my greatest tests of any relationship is travelling together. If you can survive a vacay without killing each other, that's a success. If you emerge at the end and like each other just as much as (or even more than) before, it's a flipping triumph. So when I say that I'd go on adventures with this book again -- even if it means sleeping in cars and getting lost in the German countryside -- you know our friendship is for reals.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received my free review copy from Arthur A. Levine Books. I received neither money nor froyo for writing this review (dammit!). Why We Took the Car is available now.

Hello.  My name is Troy McClure Erin Callahan.  You may remember me from such internet blog posts as Incest Is For Drinkers and My Sweet Audrina: A Study in Batshittery.*  Today I’m here to talk to you about a silent killer: the Lifetime Made-For-TV Movie Starring Academy Award-winning Ellen Burstyn, Flowers In the Attic.  

"You're such a cute spawn of Satan!  Yes you are!  Yes you are!  I'm gonna tar your hair later on!  Yes I am!"

Please be advised, ladies and Brian, that a Flowers in the Attic movie is not something you should take lightly, for it has the potential to murder you with its incestuous poison.  You may think that I am engaging in a bit of hyperbole, but nay!  Allow me to explain the science behind this bold claim:

1)  This Movie is going to be absolutely terrible.  (T)
2) You will need to participate in Heavy, Sustained Drinking in order to survive. (D)
3) The movie clocks in at 2 hours long (I’m just guessing, though considering the book is 80% filler, maybe this movie’s only 20 minutes).  This gives us a multiplication factor of 2.

Therefore:

T(Dx2) = Liver Failure

It’s just science, people!

But never let it be said that FYA was not with you to guide you along your path of spiritual destruction.  We are essentially the same as your shadow, only we wear snazzier clothes and never disappear beneath your feet at noon.

And obviously, because you must drink** during this phenomenal movie, airing at 8pm EST, January 18 in the year of our Lord (who has likely forsaken us at this point) Two Thousand and Fourteen, we will of course aid you.  Actually, YOU will aid you, because we want y’all to come up with the rules for the drinking game!

I mean, obviously our existing rules are still in play:

• Drink anytime Grandmother lays down a rule, or anyone refers to a rule (“We can’t let Cory and Carrie share a bed!”  “We can’t make noise!”)
• Drink anytime Corrine (Heather Graham) lies.  Continue to chug until said lie is finished.
• Take a shot each time someone gets punished.  (Ha ha, JOKE IS ON YOU, for you are the one being punished!)
• Chug for any scene with incest, until such incest has been completed
• Take a shot anytime the kids leave the room/attic (including but not limited to: Roof Moon Bathing and Escape Scenarios.)
• Pour one out if the rape scene somehow turns into ONLY an incestuous love scene because these fuckers don’t know how consent works.

But!  I don’t think that’s really ENOUGH drinking.  We need more than this to get through the film, my friends.  And that’s where y’all come in.

Leave a comment with proposed ideas for drinking rules.  I’ll compile the best/funniest/most likely to get me trashed suggestions and we’ll have ourselves a nice, inclusive Drinking Game, just in time for January 18!  And yes, I will be back to review the movie.  After all, I couldn’t let those little blonde incestuous shitbags return to American television without me, could I?

"Golly whilikers, Cathy, have I told you how hot you look in your Canadian tuxedo?  Let us commence boning over the sleeping bodies of our younger siblings!"
 

*MAN.  Have y’all read the comments on that post?  There are legitimately people who think My Sweet Audrina is a good book.  Y’ALL, LOOK, I KNOW I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE BUT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

** Actually, I am on a juice fast right now, because I am deeply, deeply stupid, but wine counts as grape juice, right?

Welcome back to our series on midseason TV (a continuation of our fall TV series). We’re here again to discuss what’s worthy of coveted DVR space, what you can watch, eh, whenever, and what you don’t even need to bother watching in the first place.

(Warning! Possible spoilers ahead.)

Intelligence

Premiered: Jan. 7 on CBS (Watch online.)

Elevator Pitch

A studio executive sits in his office, surrounded by posters of his previous successful series. He leans back—dangerously far—in his chair and taps his chin with a pen.

I need to come up with the next big thing, he thinks to himself. Something with action and intrigue. Something futuristic, but not too futuristic; I don’t want to have to deal with another Fringe. He chuckles to himself. The next big thing … He leans back a bit more. Next big thing … next … big … His chair falls to the floor with a loud crash.

When he comes to, the first sight he sees is a Subway wrapper in his trash can, smelling faintly of the chicken parmesan sub he ate at lunch.

That’s it, he cries, and jumps to his feet. I’ve got to go tell Janice!

On his way out of his office, he passes by the Chuck poster hanging prominently next to his door and fistbumps the image of Zachary Levi.

Familiar Faces

Josh Holloway as Gabriel

Michael Benyaer as Badri Adani

John Billingsley as Dr. Shenendoah Cassidy

Meghan Ory as Riley Neal

Marg Helgenberger as Lillian Strand

Elden Henson as Amos Pembroke

Michael Rady as Chris Jameson

P.J. Byrne as Nelson Cassidy

Will Yun Lee as Jin Cong

Rosalind Chao as Sheng-Li Wang

Faces That Might Become Familiar (If You Keep Watching)

James Martinez as Gonzo Rodriguez

Grace Huang as Mei Chen

Redeeming Qualities

Emily: There's some great cast here. Not the main characters (though I do find Josh Holloway utterly charming), but John Billingsley, P.J. Byrne, Elden Henson always play the best side characters. These are the people I'm excited to watch (though I think 2 of the 3 are just in the pilot). I also really like how the show is shot. It feels high quality in a way that network seems to lack these days.

Mandy: I really like Josh Holloway as a Jason Bourne-style action star. He’s ruggedly handsome and can pull off (although likely with the help of a stunt double) some pretty wicked moves. I also dig secret government agencies—when they’re fictional—and Marg Helgenberger does really well at the kind of woman who can lead said secret government agency. Two of the main plot points in the pilot (the missing wife and the “other Gabriel”) point to long-running storylines that could serve to tie the season together, too, which I appreciate.

It's Not Me, It's You

Emily: Unfortunately, it does feel like a network TV show when it comes to the writing. I'm not saying it's bad writing, it's just handed to the audience on a silver platter. When I'm thrown into a world I'm not supposed to be familiar with, I want to feel like the characters are at least a little smarter than me, but these characters explain EVERYTHING in a way that a 2-year-old can understand. It might seem ironic, but I want to feel like I'm having to catch up, that way when I do finally understand what's going on, it feels earned. I also don't care for the women on the show … super unfortunate because there are some great female leads happening right now on TV.

Mandy: From the very first Intelligence promo, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was going to be Chuck minus the humor. Unfortunately, after watching the pilot, that feeling hasn’t gone away. (Don’t get me wrong, I loved most of Chuck.) It could be good on its own if it can move away from the whole “This guy is a computer! isn’t that neat?!” and focus more on the plotlines. However, I’m pretty sure we’ll be reminded of the fact that Gabriel has a computer in his head multiple (multiple) times every episode. I’m also not a fan of the forced chemistry between Gabriel and Riley. He’s obviously still hung up on his wife, and throwing a pretty girl into his path doesn’t seem to me as the most moral of choices. Note to the networks: A show with two pretty people as the leads doesn’t always need to include a romance between the two.

Let's Do This Again

Emily: Probably not. I might record a few more just in case someone tells me I'm missing out, but my DVR is full of shows that I can't wait to get home to watch at night. I'm starting to let go more quickly of the shows that feel like homework. I do want to clarify, though, that this isn't a bad show, it's just not my thing.

Mandy: I’ll admit—even with the whole Chuck issue, I enjoyed the pilot. I could use a little more intrigue and a tad more humor, but I think the show has promise. I’m not sure I’m going to give it coveted space on my DVR, but I’ll check it out On Demand on the weekend.

What did you think? Let us know in the comments!

Welcome back to the YA Movie News Roundup, where we have lots of goods for you today! 

Firstly, the Veronica Mars one-sheet (above) has debuted, and I dig it! Kind of surprising that Gia's on the poster - between that and her moment in the trailer, I'm getting the impression that Krysten Ritter has a significant role in the film. And that is great news, because I adore Krysten Ritter. That said, I bet it's going to be kind of tense between Gia and Veronica since Veronica exposed Gia's dad as a child molester who indirectly gave her chlamydia...

Well, we'll find out in March! And those of us lucky enough to attend SXSW will get to find out at the world premiere!

Lifetime must be hot for their Flowers in the Attic adaptation, because it hasn't even premiered yet and they're already developing the sequel. 

EW has an exclusive photo from The Fault in Our Stars, of Hazel (Shailene Woodley) and Gus (Ansel Elgort) embracing at Anne Frank's house.

Warner Bros. and MGM are teaming up on If I Stay, and the two companies have announced the release date for R.J. Cutler's adaptation of Gayle Forman's 2009 novel starring Chloe Grace Moretz: August 22.

Catching Fire is officially the highest grossing film of 2013, which is rad, AND that lends itself to a statistic that is both cool and disappointing: this is the first time in four decades that a female-led film has topped the year-end box office. Go Katniss! But also, really? FORTY YEARS? (The Exorcist was the last example, and calling the film "led" by Ellen Burstyn's character is kind of debatable.)

Not quite YA, not exactly a movie, but still relevant to our interests: the first trailer for Starz's Outlander series is here: 

And speaking of not quite YA but relevant to our interests - over at Badass Digest my friend Britt wrote about how watching The Craft in junior high made her think she was a witch, and if you guys are around my age and weirdness level, you will find this story both hilarious and cringe-inducingly familiar. 

That's it for this week! Give us your thoughts on the Veronica Mars poster and more below.

BOOK REPORT for The Killing Woods by Lucy Christopher

Cover Story: Ten Thirteen
BFF Charm: Meh
Swoonworthy Scale: 3
Talky Talk: Play By Play
Bonus Factor: Mystery
Relationship Status: No Hard Feelings

Find out how Posh survived her brush with danger by reading the full review over at our series on Kirkus.

Follow along the whole rewatch here!

Last week, on Gilmore Girls...

We've finally reached the coupling of one of my favorite couples in fictional couple history. Plus a bunch of other stuff, so let's hop to!

But first! A reminder of our drinking game rules:

  The Gilmore Girls Drinking Game Rules

Drink once every time:

Lorelai or Rory drinks coffee.

Emily gets flustered by Lorelai's bizarre sense of humor.

Sookie is controlling about food.

Paris is controlling about anything.

Michel snubs a customer.

Luke is crotchety.

Taylor has an absurd scheme for Stars Hollow.

The girls acquire massive amounts of food and then fail to take even one bite.

Drink twice every time:

Kirk has a new job.

You see a town troubadour.

Emily gets a new maid.

Onto the episodes!

5.09 "Emily Says Hello"

Rory is fed up with Richard and Emily's separation, and she decides that to resolve this situation, she and Lorelai must divide and conquer. At Friday night dinner, she spends the evening with Richard, and Lorelai spends it with Emily. You can imagined how pleased both of the elder Gilmore girls are at this change of plans.

Rory makes sorta-subtle references to Richard's ending the estrangement and he responds with gentle humor, while Lorelai outright asks Emily if she and Richard will get back together, to which Emily replies that she's going to start dating. She thinks Richard's shown no interest in reuniting, and men are evidently always paying attention to her at the country club. I bet they are, girl! Get yours! Lorelai's response is closer to horror, however, while poor Rory is just crushed - and very disappointed in Lorelai at failing so spectacularly at her mission.

Emily accepts a date with a handsome man from the club named Simon, and right before the date she completely panics. Lorelai comes over to rescue her from a wardrobe-induced anxiety attack (happens to the best of us), and Emily reflects fondly on the hours before her wedding to Richard. "You know, I remember the night I got married. Oh, I was panicked. I thought, 'This is it. I'll never have a chance to be with anyone else. This is it for life.' If only I'd had a crystal ball, I might have been able to eat my salad. I remember it looked delicious." God, I love that monologue. Anyway, despite the fact that it doesn't seem like she really wants to do this, she goes through with the date. And of course Simon is dashing and erudite, and he and Emily have what seems to be a wonderful date, the conversation and wine flowing with ease...until he drops her off, and she walks into her empty foyer and starts to cry. Great episode for Emily.

Meanwhile, Lorelai realizes she hasn't spoken to Christopher since Sherry ditched him and she found him steeping in his own filth, so she calls to check on him. He's all weird and cagey at first, because of his scolding from Rory, but of course Lorelai doesn't know about that so she cajoles him into lunch the following day - and then invites Rory as a surprise to them both. It's warm and easy between Chris and Lorelai - because it always is - but when Rory arrives, things take a turn for the awkward FAST. When Lorelai leaves to take care of a situation at the front desk, Rory lays into Christopher for spending time with Lorelai after she expressly asked him not to do that. Rory's being a little unfair here, but Christopher shows his immaturity quickly, saying things like, "Your mother and I have had a relationship long before you ever existed. We grew up together, we had a child together..." like YES CHRISTOPHER, WE KNOW, YOU'RE YELLING AT THAT CHILD RIGHT NOW. He storms off and Lorelai gets the scoop from Rory, and she seems surprised when she hears that Rory thinks Christopher will screw up her relationship with Luke. Rory asks how Luke took it when Lorelai told him about the lunch, and Lorelai lies to Rory when she says he didn't mind - turns out she never told him in the first place.

On a lesser show, this would turn into a big, dramatic, multi-episode conflict, but on Gilmore Girls Lorelai heads directly to Luke's to fess up. Luke takes a little time to process the information - mainly chewing on the fact that Lorelai told him afterward instead of before - but then he tells her that he's okay with it, because Luke is great. There's some other Luke stuff happening as he helps TJ do repairs on his new house with Liz, but let's just skip all that, okay? It's TJ.

And finally, at Yale, Paris is fasting and her mood is not improved by the situation. Marty and Rory are spending more time together, but it honestly could not seem more platonic on Rory's end. She tells him, in the midst of a rant about her dad and her crummy week, that she and Dean broke up, and Marty's ears perk up - but Rory's already fallen asleep, because Marty's kind of boring. (Sorry!)

Oh and also, Jackson's still Town Selectman and he still hates it. Tedious plotline, but Jackson's really cute to a very pregnant Sookie this week, so I'll let it slide.

How many times do I have to drink?

11.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

2.

Flirtation quota:

Marty's trying his darnedest but none of his attempts are really landing. Lorelai and Luke are hot and adorable as ever, "all loopholey and sockhoppy" as Rory puts it (it makes cute sense in context). And Emily's flirting her ass off on her date with Simon - and it's nice to see where Lorelai gets it, because Emily's got Simon wrapped around one pretty pinky.

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

Lorelai references one of my favorite movies (Jennifer's Body) when she's half-assedly agreeing with Emily that she's ready to date. "Absolutely. Move on dot org."

Sookie's best dish of the episode:

I have no idea what she's planning on making with this stuff, but here's her pregnancy craving grocery list: grapefruit juice, Milk Duds, Bloody Mary mix, extra-spicy turkey sausage, rappini, milk chocolate, artichoke hearts, taffy and walnuts. Okay, that's probably not her best dish: Lorelai recommends the pork chops brined in a bourbon saltwater solution to Chris.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

She's dressed with utmost reason this week.

Outfit MVP:

For instance, this sassy business suit she wears for her lunch with Chris at the Dragonfly. I love the flippy skirt, and up close you can see that her camisole has a bit of subtle sparkle to it.

Kirk insanity:

Kirk confronts Jackson in an outrage because Sally Lannigan's been selling her pine-needle sachets outside of the gazebo, and of course Kirk is allergic to pine.

Michel madness:

Remember when I said Lorelai had "a situation" at the front desk? I'll let her take it from here: "Michel has been obsessed with these guests who he swears are the notorious Bathrobe Bandits from the Independence Inn - at least the moles match – so apparently, they were checking out, and Michel stopped them and demanded they open their suitcases, and they refused, so he grabs the guy's suitcase and starts tearing through all of his stuff, which, of course, went over really well. And when I got there, the wife was calling the cops, and the husband was chasing Michel around with a golf club. It took a comped bill and two free bathrobes in addition to the ones they had stolen to get them to drop the charges. Plus, Michel ripped his pants, and his underwear is pink and shiny."

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

When Simon teases Emily that she runs with a bad crowd, she replies drily, "Oh, yes, I'm very dangerous. Ask my maids."

Random observation:

For both of these episodes, I feel like we get a bit of a reprieve from Rory's Trust Fund Passage - she's a little more like Chilton Rory here, working with naive and selfless determination to get her grandparents back together, and protecting her mom from Chris, even if it means estranging herself from her own dad. I like it. I also like that this episode features the return of something I've quite missed: some solid bestie conversations between Sookie and Lorelai.

5.10 "But Not as Cute as Pushkin"

Miss Patty's throwing a party for her 40th show biz anniversary, and when Lorelai says that she and Luke will attend, she finds out that the party falls on November 30th, Luke's "Dark Day." This is a day when Luke doesn't see anyone or speak to anyone, and Lorelai discovers in time that it's the anniversary of his dad's death. Luke is growing increasingly bad-tempered as the day approaches, but he tries to be honest and open about it with Lorelai. She appreciates the effort and seems to understand - and then she sees Luke berating a tiny old lady on a sidewalk.

Turns out this sweet old lady has been storing Luke's dad's boat for decades, but now she has to move to a nursing home. So naturally Luke yells at her. He tells her to just get rid of the boat, and then tells Lorelai he thinks it's time to stop hanging onto it - but Lorelai buys the boat and stores it in her garage. When Luke finds the boat on his Dark Day, he grows furious, shouting at her that she never listens to him - she just acted as Lorelai would instead of the way Luke would. Lorelai is chagrined, and it's their first big fight, but it ends in the best possible way. Luke finds her at Miss Patty's party, and they both apologize earnestly, and then he tells her to keep thinking like Lorelai. They hug and kiss and it's all so mature and wonderful, SO much healthier than the way we've seen either of them deal with relationship rifts in the past.

Blast from the past! Headmaster Charleston calls Rory to ask her if she'd like to host a prospective student from Chilton named Anna, and of course that little nerd Rory is THRILLED. She plans a jam-packed itinerary of libraries and benches and toe-touching, all riveting Yale traditions, and Anna dutifully takes notes on everything, although she seems more interested in boys and parties. Lucky for her, Logan walks up to Rory and Anna just as Rory's doing this (let me hear a what-what from all my fellow book-sniffers!)

Logan suggests that Rory take Anna to the pub, and everything goes a little screwy from there. Anna's lost all interest in Rory's scholastic guidance and has gone full, Red Bull-fueled boy crazy. The next day in Rory's philosophy class, Logan, Colin and Finn storm in to perform a fully obnoxious prank. I don't feel like describing it, so fortunately someone's made a comic out of the scene! (See the comic in higher res here.)

I find this scene irritating because, really, what a waste of time and how inconsiderate to the professor and other students, but I like how it all unfolds, since Rory tells Logan off with righteous indignation, and I'm proud of her for standing her ground even though she clearly likes him. She calls him a buttfaced miscreant! It's pretty great - until she loses Anna as she's scolding Logan. She and Marty look for Anna all over campus, and then Rory gets a call from Headmaster Charleston informing her that Anna was picked up by the campus police for underage drinking at a frat party. Rory feels terrible and thinks she's "going to retroactively flunk high school." BUT Rory gets Logan back by having Richard approach him and say that he heard Logan declared his feelings for Rory, so Richard is finalizing the engagement with Logan's father, Mitchum. Logan is WIGGING and Rory and Richard exchange the cutest looks afterward:

MOST IMPORTANTLY. Paris' life coach Terrence returns, and he tells Paris she needs to "get back out there" now that Asher's out of the picture. So she goes speed-dating...and speed-dates Doyle right into her bed! After one night together, they're already discussing their future with Terrence, and dammit, I love these two so much.

How many times do I have to drink?

16.

How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

2.

Flirtation quota:

Lorelai, about her ready access to pie whenever she stays over at Luke's: "One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want! You're like Willy Wonka, but hotter." And later, Luke talks about how Lorelai's hair-flip can get him to do just about anything. "Combine that with your black dress and you could probably get me to be your backup dancer." eee!

I guess Logan's little spectacle counts as flirting, as misguided as it was. And poor Marty's still giving it the old college try.

Best/most dated pop culture reference:

One of my favorites of the whole series! When Paris gets dressed up and heads out of the dorm room to put herself "out there," Rory says, "It's eleven o'clock at night. Who are you hoping to hook up with now? Spike and Drusilla?" I love the Buffyness, obviously, but I also love what a grandma this line makes Rory.

Sookie's best dish of the episode/Michel madness:

Not this week.

Lorelai's craziest outfit:

She's wearing a sleeveless vest over a short-sleeved tee over a three-quarter-sleeved shirt. I find her sleeve situation confusing.

Outfit MVP:

Both of these ladies look great for Patty's party, but I best love Sookie's pretty floral print and embellished cardigan.

Kirk insanity:

He's selling ludicrously overpriced bath and shower decals. "Yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology." (drink!)

Best Gilmore Gal witticism:

When Rory's frantically looking for Anna, she calls Lorelai: "Where would a 16-year-old girl go for a good time?" Lorelai: "Oh, how sad you had to come to me for this conversation. You were 16 a lot more recently than I was!"

Random observation:

So as Marty and Rory are looking for Anna, she complains about Logan and says he must have it out for her to have pulled that prank. Marty snaps that of course Logan likes Rory, and tells her, "Stop being so naive. It's annoying." On the one hand, yes. Wake up, Rory - wake up to the way Logan and Marty feel about you. But on the other hand, I think I've finally hit on why I've never been Team Marty. He pouts here and decides to walk home when Rory offers to get them a cab, and I realize he's acting like one of those entitled guys who always complain about being "Friend Zoned." Rory has never led Marty on. She's never treated him as anything other than a friend, and it's too bad that he likes her more than she likes him, but he certainly has no cause to be mad at her about it. He's the one who hasn't been honest about his feelings - Rory's been an open book.

--

So that's it for this week! Meet us back here next Wednesday morning as we cover "Women of Questionable Morals" and "Come Home."

And I leave you with a question, dear FYA readers: Who's Team Marty and Who's Team Not Marty, and why? Lay it on me downstairs.

Previously on The Originals: A change in leadership leads to alliances shifting – again.  Davina runs away to Cami when she finds out Agnes is dead, Hayley finds out that Marcel has had her family cursed, Rebekah once again gets the short end of the stick (no euphemism intended) when Marcel chooses saving himself over her, and Elijah chooses to be the beleaguered 50s housewife of New Orleans, trying to keep everyone from killing each other.

THEY’RE BACK. Show, I missed you so much, but in your absence I preached the Gospel of Shirtless Marcel to anyone who would listen.  Book club understands, husband does not. Noted.

"Marcel, I thought we told you: we only wear brown on Wednesdays."

The Original Dysfunctional Family Drama

I wouldn’t expect this show’s version of girl power to be any less twisted than the Casket Girls celebration.  In 1751, “young society girls imported from France with the hopes of marrying a proper New Orleans gentleman” – and, for some reason that was never quite explained, traveling with caskets –  were accosted by highway robbers on the trek to New Orleans.  In a bewigged moment of elegant mass murder, Rebekah single-handedly saves the day and says to the shaken ladies, “Us girls have got to stick together.”  That theme is repeated throughout the episode, but sadly, no one dons sparkly Union Jack booty shorts and asks Marcel if he wants to be their lover.  Something to work on, show.

(Note: the casket girls are real, but so named because their “caskets” were more like a small suitcase.) 

The girls do stick together, though – Rebekah is now in the process of forging an alliance with Davina, by showing her that she doesn’t approve of Marcel and Klaus’ shenanigans – against the “selfish men” that seek to oppress them.  That is, Klaus, Elijah, and Marcel have realized that Davina The Secret Weapon escaped the compound and they are desperately trying to get her back.  Rebekah has designs on taking New Orleans for herself, now, if only to spite Vampire Book Club and Marcel.  (If you wanna be our ruler, you gotta make witchy friends…)  Speaking of, Davina removes Cami’s compulsion (at great pain to Cami), and this newfound conscious knowledge drives Cami to assist Davina escape.  Possessed of a death wish, however, Cami marches up to Klaus and tells him she remembers everything. Threatening sociopathic vampires who can’t be killed is always an excellent idea.

Sophie isn’t sticking together with the girls, however. Sophie has been sticking her face on an attractive man’s face, and also sticking some tequila down her gullet, until Sabine approaches her about completing the Harvest.  Faced with brutally murdering teenage girls or losing her witchy powers, Sophie decides to go ahead and kill the girls.  But first, she needs to consecrate a powerful witch’s remains – this leads her to blackmailing Hayley into finding out where Elijah buried Celeste in exchange for removing the curse from Hayley’s family. (I’m giving you everything, all that joy can bring, this I swear…and all that I want from you is a promise that you’ll be there find out where a powerful dead witch was buried 200 years prior from your almost-lover’s incredibly yet conveniently detailed journals.)

Davina is sick and tired of all this crap, and so she marches into the compound to show Elijah, Klaus, and Marcel who’s boss.  With her growing power, she forces Klaus to turn into a werewolf, Elijah to choke on blood, and just as Marcel starts to win her over with his soulful eyes, Rebekah appears to stab him in the back.  (Supernaturals of the world, spice up your life! Every boy every girl, spice up your life!)  Later, Rebekah shows Davina Marcel’s garden of bricked up vampires – Marcel is every bit as bad as Klaus, she implies.

In the end, Sophie finds Celeste’s body, and Elijah puts together Davina’s tantrum-magic scribbles to discover a channeled, fragmented portrait of Celeste.  “Something sinister is coming,” he says, and I sincerely hope it’s not more flashbacks of Elijah kissing someone’s feet.

"Does this hostage go with my outfit?"

The Original Mythology

- Sophie can become powerful enough to finish the Harvest if she can consecrate the remains of (and draw power from) a powerful witch.  If this doesn’t happen, she loses all of her power.

- Sophie’s bloodline executed the curse against Hayley’s family, and so she can undo it.

The Original Body Count

- Poor Tim bites it when he drinks poisoned water meant for Davina.  Davina is also poisoned, but Elijah and Marcel made sure she was protected by enlisting Sabine’s help. RIP, adorable fiddler on the roof.

- Sabine and the witches die at Davina’s hands – a showy mid-air neck-snapping, in unison, which I sincerely hope someone sets to “Bye Bye Bye.”  (Sabine is protected by a spell and resurrects, however.)

The Original WTF

- Elijah’s journal entries are so dramatic. “She is dead. Even as the sun rises, I see only night.” Thirteen-year-old me has nothing on him.  All that’s missing is a Nine Inch Nails soundtrack, a showing of The Craft and some ill-advised vinyl attire.

- Josh, if you’re in hiding, you might consider not answering your phone.

- Elijah, looking up at Fiddler Tim sitting near the roof: “Are the maudlin theatrics really necessary, Niklaus?” Klaus: “You’re right. Timothy, play something a little more upbeat, please. That’s a good lad.”  Oh Klaus. I love you.

- Rebekah: “Ugh, am I the only smart one in the room?”  I love you too, Rebekah.

The Original Joseph Morgan Award for Tortured Hot People

This week, Elijah and Hayley continue to make eyes at each other, Elijah even going far as to grin when Hayley asks him how his day is.  Hayley’s betrayal makes me fear that we’re going to have to wait even longer to see them act on their feelings, but oh my, the zipping and the unzipping.

Are you glad the show is back? Do you need a moment to ponder the sexual tension surrounding zippers? Did I sufficiently earworm you, or are you too young to remember the garish sparkles of the late 90s?  We'll have some coffee and we'll talk.

This week was all beautiful character growth, terrible music, and fantastically awful pants.

Plus: group hang at Murder Cabin! Amenities include: a fireplace, TWO kinds of herbal tea, and a laundry room with Hollis College tees and bars on its windows.

THIS WEEK’S MVP:

Could have been Emily, with her precision post-its and take no prisoners attitude, but then she went and let Ominous GPS get them lost in the woods in the middle of a storm with nary a second thought, so. Obvs the next best choice is Spencer’s glorious trench cape, for making her seemed poised and dramatic even while spending the entirety of the episode wearing '90s painting togs underneath:

THIS WEEK’S LVP:

Caleb (RIP*), for making Hanna feel like she’s been rejected for one ghost (Miranda) and thus reminding her of how another ghost (Ali) once made her feel like the tiniest speck that ever drew breath.

*Ravenswood In Peace

BIGGEST SURPRISE:

Spencer moving out now, of all times. Not that we’re complaining. Toby’s poofy hair and puppy dog optimism is much more entertaining than the revolving door of useless/dangerous Hastings adults back home.

BIGGEST NO-DUH:

This might surprise you, but: going to Murder Cabin greatly increases one’s chance of getting murdered.

MURDER CABIN.

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS:

Peter Hastings warned everyone and their ghost to stay away from Mrs. DiLaurentis, so of course Ashley Marin is going to work for her. A quiet boy with a leather jacket and a heart of gold showed up randomly at a high school hoedown to give Hanna exactly the information she needed to get her mother out of jail. Hanna found Ali’s Journal Where She Wrote Things in A’s Ravenswood lair. EzrA brought Aria to his Murder Cabin.

THE PLAY BY PLAY:

Mausoleum: The Liars are pissed/hurt that Hanna kept Ali’s Journal Where She Wrote Things a secret since Ravenswood. Hanna explains that 1) they all know each other’s business anyway, and 2) Ali’s method of journaling involved changing everyone’s names and pertinent details, and basically making crap up left and right. It's “creative nonfiction with pseudonyms,” Spencer says.

Emily is out of heartached shits to give. They’ll take turns reading, she declares, each weeding out the stories that are about them to ultimately uncover the person who is after Ali. She also volunteers to go first: she has the least patience for Ali’s games, even if (or especially when) they are 2+ years old.

That night, because Emily has never once been stalked or harassed or murdered or nearly hit by a dozen cars or had anything at all bad happen to her in Rosewood and therefore sleeps with her windows wide open, she has an intense conversation with an interloping real-not-real Ali.

Emily is mad mad mad and calls Ali out for choosing to fake her own death. Ali, seemingly vulnerable and terrified, climbs RIGHT into Emily’s bed. She doesn’t know who’s after her, or which version of herself is real. She needs Em, who always saw the best version of her. TOO DAMN BAD. Em doesn’t see that person anymore. Ali sees her beaded bracelet on Em’s wrist, and then… Emily wakes up.

Chez Toby. Spencer swings in bearing coffee and wearing the world’s best trench cape. She tells Toby that something feels suspicious about her dad’s sudden interest in Radley, they just don’t know enough to be sure what his motives are. “There’s a lot we don’t know,” Toby counters…

Spencer looks at him like he is just the cutest thing for thinking she doesn’t know how to do any of those. Then they make out.

School. Spencer and Aria have a moment discussing the (non)existence of Aria’s “department of Romantic Literature” (no joke). Em stakes out the courtyard table and digs into the Journal Where Ali Wrote Things, right where any old pedophile/stalker might be standing around, staring creepily at her (it’s Ezra. Ezra is creepy staring). Hanna lingers in the shadows as long as possible.

Emily, it turns out, has had the most productive night: in addition to dreaming devastating ghost Ali dreams, she has also combed through Ali's stories with a pack of color-coded Post-Its.

(all via prettylittleliarsquestions.tumblr.com)

[Side note: this is evidently the PLL writers’ own system for keeping track of the Liars. Show, we love you so.]

LIke pulling off a bandage, Hanna blurts out that she and Caleb broke up. The other Liars immediately rush to comfort. Hanna dodges their embraces, and instead gets TOTALLY INTO THIS BUSY BEE POEM ALI WROTE in her diary. And guys: Ali was really bad at poetry. AND bad at hiding actual things she wanted to hide. Namely, within seconds Aria—ARIA—figures out she used an old B&B in Killingsworth (!!) as a hidey hole. They plan a road trip for that very night.

Emily spends the next act following a note left in her bag by maybe-real Ali. “I want to come home. Meet me at our spot." In interludes between the other Liars’ scenes, she leaves work early, walks sadly through the forest, waits on the kissing rock, then eventually takes off her bracelet and leaves it behind before walking back out of the forest, still alone.

Important to note: on the rock someone has spraypainted EF + AD:

(screencap via allthoseprettyliars.tumblr.com)

Back at Rosewood High, Aria finds Fitz in his classroom. She needs to cancel their sekret date that night in order to go to Busy Bee Inn/Murder Cabin. “Murder Cabin?” he echoes, “and ALL of you are going? And that’s…tonight, you say?” Then he kicks the creep up a notch and says:

It’s gross. Aria doesn’t notice. After she leaves, he returns to his laptop and puts in his earbuds and cues up his favorite song, a recording of Alison sobbing and pleading with Grunwald to help her not be Alison DiLaurentis anymore. FOR REAL. IT IS TERRIFYING.

At the Hastings Manor, Spencer walks in on her dad and Jessica DiLaurentis discussing something Jason “doesn’t need to know.” Namely, the DiLaurentises are getting divorced, and Peter was “kind enough to offer” his lawyerly advice. Because that is just what Peter is when it comes to the DiLaurentises—kind. Later, Peter tells Spencer that he canceled his meeting with Toby because he found out Marion’s death wasn’t a murder or a suicide: it was an accident. She fell off the roof, and they’ve been covering it up to protect the other patient who was up there. “Apparently they’re fragile,” he says, mildly disgusted.

Never change, terrible Rosewood fathers, never change.

Hanna time! Travis runs into her at the Brew. They are cute together. He updates us re: CeCe, who had been seen at a train station in Maryland but was gone by the time the cops showed. Also, her account showed several large deposits right before she killed Wilden so probably somebody (i.e. anyone who ever met Wilden) paid her to do it. As Hanna is about to go, Travis awkward-stops her to chat more about her life. 

It’s hard to tell if he’s just the sweet New Boy, or if there’s something creepy afoot. It’s Rosewood and he’s got a Y chromosome, so probably both.

Back at the only coffee shop in town, Spencer and her cape have a heated confrontation with Mrs. D. Spencer doesn’t know what was going on with her and her dad, but, unlike medical professionals, there is an abundance of barristers in Rosewood. "Find one you haven’t slept with and keep us out of it!” SNAP.

Act Three! It is the proverbial dark and stormy night, and the Liars are in Em’s car. They trust Ominous GPS to take them to Killingsworth because they haven’t watched their own show for the past four years. In the backseat, Spencer and Aria have moderate success identifying Ali's stories until they reach one about a girl who got with a younger dude. Maybe Ali’s OLDER boy was actually YOUNGER, they muse. In the front seat, Hanna looks uncomfortable and keeps turning up the radio. (“This isn’t spring break!” snaps Emily.) Ominous GPS diverts their car around some invisible construction, and…

…oh no, no, noooo. STOP. Ominous GPS is driving you to Murder Cabin!

Back in Rosewood, EZRA IS AT THE MARIN HOME NOOOOOO GROSS. He theatrically explains he is checking on Hanna’s schoolwork, but when Ashley is conveeeeeniently distracted by a new-work call, he slips upstairs to paw through Hanna’s bag and do a bit of light hacking on her computer, since when Caleb left he also took all of Hanna’s passwords with him.

In Emily’s car, Ominous GPS stops, because the car stops, because the car TURNS ITSELF OFF AND STOPS WORKING. Hanna texts Travis, who has a tow truck and “doesn’t know enough to ask questions.” He will be there in two hours. A storm is coming in minutes. Aria pulls up a map on her phone, where a nearby dot is conveniently labeled MURDER CABIN. "My uncle's cabin!" she exclaims.

It may be a prime spot for homicide, but it also has a roof and a bathroom, so the girls head over.

Aria darts around, picking up any sign of her and Ezra’s Special Creepy Night Together and snapping at the others not to touch anything. Spencer doesn’t like Hanna’s squirreliness, or Em’s defense of it, and accuses them of keeping new/old secrets. “Nobody’s keeping anything from anyone, all right?” Aria declares intensely, standing in the kitchen of her secret new-old boyfriend/stalker.

Finally, Hanna comes clean: the Cradle Robber story is about her…and MIKE. As in, Aria’s little brother, Mike.

In FLASHBACK, Bitch Ali says Aria would never forgive Hanna for hooking up with Mike, and then slips her hooks gently into Hanna before painfully yanking them right out again:

Present day, Aria is lovely and forgiving. The girls ask why Hanna is still so upset, and she finally explains that Caleb met someone else. Her face breaks as she fully internalizes Ali’s insidious UNtruth that she’s lost the one person who might ever love her. 

Hanna can’t deal. She heads outside to call Travis. Em follows. They hear a twig snap, but blame a wild animal. Look, we’re familiar with Occam’s Razor and all, but when you live in Rosewood it’s honestly probably more probable that a rustle in the undergrowth is a psycho stalker than a raccoon. Also, two seconds ago, EzrA (who made a pit stop at Rosewood’s 24hr Villain Outfitter before heading out to the woods), was peering through the window and spying on y'all and the Journal Where Ali Wrote Things.

Inside, Spencer barrels into the laundry room to find linens. Aria barrels past her to hide the Hollis College tee in the laundry basket, and to look incredibly guilty. Spence accuses her of looking incredibly guilty, and then: the door slams shut. And locks.

Peering through the keyhole, Spencer and Aria can see A stalking about. They are eventually saved by Hanna and Em, who had to hulk-smash their way back inside. A was there! He took the Journal Where Ali Wrote Things! Also, they are now referring to A as HE which is great.

There’s a knock on the door, and a male silhouette appears in the lightning flash. The girls grab their makeshift weapons. Aaaaaand… IT’S TRAVIS.

The girls drop their hastily grabbed weapons. All parties stare awkwardly at each other. 

(all via jeremystilinksis.tumblr.com)

Back at Hanna’s, Tow Truck Travis points out that the ride home was quiet. “Did you guys see a bear or something?” Hanna mumbles about a raccoon, and a fight to the death. She asks what she owes him. He says he’s not Hanna’s employee, he’s her friend. She tries to cover her snowballing emotions with useless little actions, but he gently takes her hands to still her. She flees to the porch, where she at last sits and cries. He follows quietly, and just lets her do her.

At the House of Hastings, Peter yells at Spencer for yelling at Mrs. DiLaurentis which makes NO SENSE. Spencer shouts back that she was just trying to protect the family. Peter gives his ultimatum, and…

Spencer and her beautiful cape show up at Toby’s. “Did you talk to your dad about Radley?” he asks. “Yeah. I did.” Pause. “Mind if I stay here for awhile?” The camera pans down to her feet… AND HER SUITCASE.

Aria calls Ezra, who's still in blAck. The call ends with him intensely saying I LOVE YOU. (Gross) Aria says she loves him too, then hangs up. Em asks if that was Jake, and Aria nods. “It’s no fun lying to them, is it?” Aria looks down. “No.”

Double text chime!

They look horrified, realizing they’d been decoding the diary for A, one colored sticky note at a time. They grab their coats and RUN.

Meanwhile, A typestypestypes on a computer: GPS RE-ROUTING COMPLETE. RESTORE DEFAULT.

FIN

Okay, that's it for 4x15. Theories in the comments! Was that really Ezra locking Spencer and Aria in the laundry room? Was that really Ali in Emily's room? Is anything really real??? Plus, find extra jokes/screencaps of diary pages on our spillover tumblr!

Next week: Kung-Fu Jake kicks his way back into our hearts!

Until then, liars,

kisses,

A (lexis and Catie)

[Hover over images for all gif and screencap sources. As always, we hail and praise the tumblr fandom power!]